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i\huaurch Wraiuiug 1Juntitutc 1J utcruatinual A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN 'Effective Counsefing PART ELEVEN Seven Basic Needs of Today's Youth Seven Basic Needs of Today's Youth That Every Parent Must Understand 1 The Need for Acceptance, Praise, and Approval ........ 3 2 The Need for Provision...

i\huaurch Wraiuiug 1Juntitutc 1J utcruatinual A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN 'Effective Counsefing PART ELEVEN Seven Basic Needs of Today's Youth Seven Basic Needs of Today's Youth That Every Parent Must Understand 1 The Need for Acceptance, Praise, and Approval ........ 3 2 The Need for Provision, Instruction, and Protection .... 6 Five Types of Fools ..................................... 6 How Age Segregation Promotes Rebellion ................. 8 3 The Need to Resolve Guilt and Have a Clear Conscience ... 9 4 The Need to Understand Pain and Forgiveness ........ 12 How Unforgiveness Produces Destructive Emotions ....... 14 5 The Need to Be a Giver vs. a Taker .................... 15 6 The Need for Energy of Moral Purity ................. 16 How a Child Is Damaged by Unprotected Curiosity ........ 17 7 The Need for Purpose in Life ......................... 19 How Life Callings Relate to Life Purpose ................. 20 Five Affirmations Parents Can Give Their Child ........... 20 Final Exam . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Effective Counseling Course Part Eleven Institute in Basic Life Principles • Box One • Oak Brook, IL 60522-3001 • 630-323-9800 2 Seven Basic Needs of Today's Youth The calamity of a nation is the disintegration of its families and the destruction of its youth. This is now taking place with epidemic divorce rates, exploding youth crime, runaway young people, drugs, gangs, venereal disease, and unwed mothers. In families that are surviving, the parents are often fearful of their teenagers and unwisely give them too much freedom. This builds insecurity in sons and daughters which is complicated by peer dependence and involvement in unwholesome activities. A restless teenager intimidates his parents by asking, "Why don't you trust me?" It is not the job of parents, however, to trust their teenager but rather to understand him. The more that parents understand their son or daughter, the more their son or daughter will trust them. The reverse is also true. A working knowledge of the following seven basic needs will help every parent to understand what is actually taking place in the heart and mind of his teenager. 1 The Need for Acceptance, Praise, and Approval Acceptance Acceptance takes place when parents delight in unchangeable features. Unchangeable Features 1. Physical characteristics-height, bone structure, hair, eyes, etc. 2. Mental capacity-intellectual aptitudes and capability 3. Gender-with characteristics that accompany a boy or a girl 4. Birth order-including tendencies of first-, second-, or third-born 5. Inherited health factors-including genetic weaknesses and physical limitations 6. National origin and race-cultural background and physical characteristics 7. Personality type-seven possible motivations influence personality 8. Timing in birth-including "inconvenience" to parents' schedule or finances 9. Birth parents-especially in cases involving adoption 10. Developmental needs-including age level limitations 3 Why Is Acceptance Needed? Most young people do not accept all of their unchangeables. Therefore, they assume that others do not accept them either. Their fears are confirmed when classmates, neighbors, or siblings mock an unchangeable. To protect themselves from further pain and rejection, they will usually withdraw or react. How Is Acceptance Communicated? Acceptance is communicated and understood by the value which is placed on an unchangeable by those the teenager admires. Since God is ultimately responsible for unchangeables, it is important to communicate the value He places on them. He uses unchangeables, including any "defects," to develop character qualities for personal maturity, acceptance of others, understanding for counseling, and humility for leadership. Praise Teenagers long for genuine praise. In fact, a young person is controlled by the ones who praise him. Praise is needed on a daily basis. Much praise must precede correction if the correction is to be effective. If adequate praise is not given by parents, their teenager concludes that he can never please them, and he gives up trying. Meanwhile, a young person who is not praised at home is drawn to those outside the family who give him any praise. Parents who do not understand the power of praise will wonder why they have lost the heart of their teenager and how others have won his loyalty. What Is Praise? Genuine praise involves three elements: calling attention to a specific character quality such as attentiveness, gratefulness, diligence, loyalty, etc.; explaining how that quality was demonstrated in a particular situation; and explaining how others were benefited because of it. Praise is not based on unchangeables because the son or daughter is not responsible for them. Thus it would be unwise to say, "You are a handsome boy," or "You are a pretty girl." Instead say, "I sure appreciated your quick obedience to my instructions. You encourage me to be more obedient to those I serve." Neither is praise based on achievement but on the qualities that produced the achievement. Rather than praising a child for mowing the lawn, praise him for the initiative in doing it without being told or the diligence in finishing the job or the thoroughness in cutting all the grass or the cheerfulness with which the job was done. How Does Praise Differ From Flattery? Flattery is exaggerated compliments that are usually given with selfish motives. For a woman to say to a man, "You are the most handsome man I have ever met," would be flattery. The wisest man who ever lived warned, "A man that flattereth his neighbour spreadeth a net for his feet"(Proverbs 29:5). He further observed that" ... a flattering mouth worketh ruin" (Proverbs 26:28). What Is the Key to Giving Praise? In order to give effective, meaningful praise, parents must learn specific character qualities and their operational definitions. Then they must look for specific situations in which these qualities are demonstrated. This takes daily concentration. 4 Approval Approval is the recognition and delight which parents communicate to a son or daughter for right choices in words, attitudes, actions, and achievements. A child who does not receive approval will become frustrated and conclude that he can never please his parents. What Should Parents Approve? Parents should delight most in the wisdom of a child since wisdom determines the choices that a child will make. A wise parent will therefore say to a son or daughter, "You will make me the happiest parent in the world by learning to make wise choices." We learn wisdom from those who are wise. The wisest man who ever lived was King Solomon. He compiled a book of wise proverbs. There are thirty-one chapters in Proverbs. By reading the chapter each day whose number corresponds with the day of the month, the entire book will be completed each month. Each time a chapter is read, the proverbs will take on new meaning for application because of new situations and experiences. Before reading a chapter, ask the child to be alert to one verse that stands out to him. After reading the chapter, have the child explain why his selected verse has special meaning to him. How to Use Approval to Avoid Arguments When a child makes an unwise request and the parent says "No," the child's next question is very predictable-"Why?" Whatever reason the parent offers will probably be challenged, and an argument will result. Instead of saying "No," parents should explain that they want their son or daughter to make wise decisions in every area. They should then explain, "We have a concern about the wisdom of this activity. Let's each think of two or three reasons why it would not be a wise choice." This approach avoids debate about the merits of an activity, and instead, puts parents and the child on the same side of the discussion. The Goal of Acceptance, Praise, and Approval The goal of accepting a child's unchangeable features, praising his character, and approving his words, actions, and attitudes is to prepare him for adulthood at age twelve. How Does the Concept of Adolescence Contribute to Juvenile Delinquency? For centuries, civilizations such as the Roman Empire considered boys twelve years of age and older as adults. Since the twentieth-century Industrial Revolution, the concept of adolescence has been applied to young people thought to be too old to be children but not old enough to be adults. In actual practice, adolescence allows teenagers to continue acting like children without adult responsibilities. Legally, a teenager is a child. Therefore, if he commits crimes, he is held not as an adult criminal but only as a juvenile delinquent. On the other hand, child protection agencies defend the right of a teenager to be independent of his parents' authority-even to having abortions without the parents' knowledge or consent. As more marriages collapse and families become unstable, a teenager looks to friends for security and is influenced by them to engage in drugs, promiscuity, and gang activity. Meanwhile, parents who fear reprisals or rejection from their teenager surrender to his wishes. 5 2 The Need for Provision, Instruction, and Protection Provision It is important for parents to distinguish hunger from appetite. Hunger is a physiological signal for food, whereas appetite is a learned mental response. A child can develop an appetite for both healthy and unhealthy food. Therefore, appetites must be evaluated and controlled. What Is a Major Cause of Sickness? Hundreds of studies have affirmed the fact that most Western diseases such as diabetes, colon cancer, heart disease, and appendicitis are the result of diets that are low in fiber and high in fa_ts, refined sugars, and white flour. Wise parents will teach their children to enjoy nutritious food and reject unhealthy eating habits. Instruction A child who is not given proper instruction in wisdom is defined in Scripture as "simple." He is then vulnerable to all kinds of destructive influences which can lead him to delinquent behavior. King Solomon identified five types of fools. Parents should know how to detect and respond to each one. What Are Five Types of Fools? Type Characteristics Treatment 1 Simple • Believes all he is told • Give him training in wisdom • Looks for a leader • Have father lead and praise him • Is ignorant of cause and effect • Teach him principles of life • Is corrupted by scorning fools • Tell him how scorners are punished • Seeks a "good time" • Train him to be a giver vs. taker • Has fun breaking rules • Inform parents of his misdeeds • Is committed to wrong friends • Break his wrong "soul ties" • Has guilt for wrongdoing • Help him to gain a clear conscience • Sneaks out with friends • Turn him over to the court system • Engages in immorality • Separate him from wrong influences • Is involved in drugs, bad habits • Conquer his three root problems • Is skilled in deception • Learn to understand vs. trust him Fool 2 Silly Fool 3 Sensual Fool 6 4 Scorning • Gets simple fools to do evil • Confine him to constant supervision • Despises rules and authorities • Publicly punish him for crimes • Creates unrest and contention • Remove him from contacts with others • Is proud of evil exploits • Require hard work and restitution 5 Committed . Has a seared conscience • Place him in solitary confinement Fool Fool • Believes it is right to do wrong • Expose him to laws of God and nature • Is skilled in argumentation • Refuse to argue; expose his folly • Seeks followers for self-gain • Warn others of his error How Does Putting Delinquents Together Increase Juvenile Crime? When two or more juvenile delinquents are placed together, an immediate bonding usually takes place that is very hard to break. They tend to reinforce each other's delinquency and share additional information on youth crimes. The wisdom of King Solomon on this point is significant, "A wise king scattereth the wicked, and bringeth the wheel over them" (Proverbs 20:26). One who does the opposite is therefore an unwise ruler. Unfortunately, juvenile detention centers are bringing together all five levels of delinquents, most of whom are in the first three categories and could be helped. As a result, the many simple, silly, and sensual fools are being encouraged and further trained in delinquent behavior. By properly separating the delinquents from each other, the first three or four categories can be worked with and significantly helped. Protection The need for young children to be protected from harmful items and dangerous situations is obvious. However, it is not so obvious to most parents that they need to separate their sons and daughters from those of their own age. How Does Age Segregation Produce Peer Dependence? Years ago a significant study was carried out to determine whether or not there were any common denominators among geniuses. Researchers who carried out the study identified three factors that were consistently experienced among geniuses. 1. Loving interaction with adult mentors 2. Protection from those their own age 3. Opportunities to problem-solve in order to be thinkers, not just learners The study concluded that in most modem schools all three factors are being ignored, which will not produce much genius (Harold G. McCurdy, "The Childhood Pattern of Genius," Journal of the Elisha Mitchell Scientific Society). Most parents are unaware of the powerful consequences of modem "socializing" between those of the same age level, nor are they aware of the stated purpose for creating grade levels in public schools. The purpose of separating children from those of the same age is explained in the Encyclopcedia Britannica. 7 How Age Segregation in School Classrooms Promotes Rebellion to Family Authority There is wisdom in the design of the family structure. Parents are able to provide instructio1 and protection to their children, and the older children are able to reinforce family goals an< standards with younger children. The effectiveness of the one-room school in early Americ, transferred this design structure to the supervision of the teacher. When public schools began t< separate students by age level, they introduced a very destructive element which is described b; educators in the Encyclopcedia Britannica. Following are excerpts from that article. "Adolescent peer groups serve very real functions in society. They provide a way in which children can learn to become independent of family authority. "In modern society maturity is equated with independence, with the ability to formulate one's own judgments, and with the capacity to take independent action and live by the consequences of that action. "Peer groups provide children with experience of egalitarian relationships not possible in the family. Through peer groups the child is exposed to values and experiences of dozens of other families, many of which may be greatly different from his own. Through these contacts the child's horizons are broadened, his perceptions widened. "In order for peer groups to serve these important functions, the child must get outside of the family and interact with children of his own age. The school is ideal for this purpose. Its corridors and classrooms, clubs and activities provide a natural and convenient setting for the young to socialize. 8 "In addition, schools provide an environment in which boy-girl relationships and understanding may develop. This mixing of the sexes in youth performs a valuable function in Western society, in which the selection of mates is based largely on personal choice. Adolescence is a time for testing relationships and forming standards of selection." Encyclopcedia Britannica, ©1981, pages 426-427 Comments: Juvenile crime begins when children "learn to become independent offamily authority." It is strengthened when children who are alienated from parents become peer-dependent and are "exposed to values and experiences" which are contrary to the moral values taught by their parents and reinforced by their own consciences. Maturity is not "the ability to formulate one's own judgments" or "the capacity to take independent action and live by the consequences of that action," as stated in the excerpt. It is to learn how to make wise choices based on universal, Biblical principles upon which America and its law system were founded. Maturity is listening to the counsel of older people so that the consequences of wrong choices do not have to be repeated. Grade levels are a subtle but powerful contributor to the delinquency of minors. 3 The Need to Resolve Guilt and Have a Clear Conscience Dealing With Guilt Guilt is more than a mental awareness of having done wrong; it is a painful perception in our innermost being that we have violated a basic law of life. The inalienable rights of a person, according to the United States Declaration of Independence, are based on the "Laws of Nature and of Nature's God." There are universal laws of right and wrong that are written on every person's conscience. On the basis of these, we accuse or excuse ourselves and others for the things that we do. The Relationship Between the Heart, Mind, and Spirit of a Person Every person begins life with a built-in set of "laws." Even an untaught child senses guilt when he lies or steals or commits an immoral act. The spirit of a person is capable of communicating with God's Spirit. This interaction reinforces the laws of the heart. The mind of a person is able to interact with his spirit and find reasons why an action which registers guilt by his spirit should be all right to do. The mind, will, and emotions are able to overrule the spirit, but the conscience continues to register guilt. This continual interaction triggers the hormonal systems in the body and produces physiological results. What Are the Universal Laws of the Conscience? Cultural practices and personal reaction to moral standards can diminish the universal awareness of the wrongness of such things as murder, lying, stealing, adultery, and dishonoring parents. However, when the Ten Commandments are explained, the heart affirms that they are correct and need to be obeyed. The Ten Commandments 1. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me. 2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, nor bow down to it. 3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain (profanity or breaking vows). 4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. 5. Honor thy father and thy mother. 6. Thou shalt not kill. 7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. 8. Thou shalt not steal. 9. Thou shalt not bear false witness. 10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house; thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's. 9 Why Must Secret Failures Be Confessed? Thousands of teenagers have been asked in various meetings if they have committed wrongdoing which their parents were not yet aware of. About 95 percent of the young people raised their hands to indicate this was true. Most young people have hidden failures on their consciences that they are too ashamed of or too fearful about to tell their parents. This condition causes the teenager to build a protective barrier between him and his parents, and it keeps him in bondage until it is confessed. The parents often sense that their son or daughter is pulling away from them and simply assume that it is a stage through which he is passing. Meanwhile, the teenager does tell his or her close friends about these failures with the agreement that they will not tell the parents or anyone else. This secrecy creates a bond between these friends that can become stronger than the bonds they have with their parents. As long as the secrecy continues, the parent-child relationship is damaged and vulnerable to major alienation. What Secret Failures Should Parents Learn About? There should be total openness between parents and their teenager. Anything that the son or daughter feels guilty about should be told to the parents, not only so the teenager's conscience will be cleared but also so the parents can protect the son or daughter from repeating failures. More specifically, parents should learn about any immoral activity (past or present) in the life of a son or daughter. This includes involvement with other children, adults, pornography, or other sensual activities or habits. The parents should learn about any involvement with drugs, smoking, liquor, or other vices. Parents should also know about any stealing, lying, vandalism, or violence that their child has committed against others. Parents should know about all friendships and associations, especially those that the child knows they would not approve of. The child should also inform the parents about his fears or involvement in occult activities and tell them if he is hearing any voices or experiencing any other strange phenomena. A child should report any past or present events which others told him never to tell his parents about. How Can Parents Learn About Secret Failures? The most effective way to learn about the secret failures of a son or daughter is to appeal to his conscience rather than his mind, will, or emotions. This is done with precise questions that the son or daughter gives the parents permission to ask. The opening question could be, "May I ask you some personal questions?" If approved, the next question would be, "You don't need to answer them, but if you do, will you be honest?" With these questions, a son or daughter should be prepared for specific questions of, "Have you ever been involved with ... ?" If a child confesses to lies, thefts, or any activities which have damaged others, Lere should be clear steps of confession to those people, and restitution. Stolen items 10 ·should be returned, vandalism paid for, and lies corrected and made right. If the damage is more than the child can afford, a program of payments should be worked out. What if Confession Involves Other People? Very often, young people commit crimes in groups. If one makes a confession, he or she will be asked to inform the police who else was involved. In such cases parents should visit with the parents of the other children and explain the need for their children to clear their consciences as well. Government officials have a tendency to show leniency when a young person initiates confession and restitution rather than being caught and forced to confess wrongdoing. In any case, a young person is duty-bound to cooperate with justice officials in every way possible. The Biblical law system upon which the American judicial system is based gives a case-law example of the personal responsibility to report wrongdoing. "And if a soul sin, and hear the voice of swearing, and is a witness, whether he hath seen or known of it; if he do not utter it, then he shall bear his iniquity" (Leviticus 5:1). Biblical law allows for even a vow to be broken if the father of a daughter releases her. (See Numbers 30:3-5.) How much more should an unwise promise be struck down by the parents! What Is the Goal of Appealing to the Conscience? The purpose of defining wrongdoing is not to embarrass the child, but to help him establish a close personal relationship with God so that he can experience a freedom from guilt. This relationship involves the understanding that there is an eternal penalty for breaking the laws of God. "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord" (Romans 6:23). God sent His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, to pay the full penalty for our sin. He is waiting for us to sincerely and openly accept His payment and receive the Lord Jesus Christ into our lives. "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed" (Romans 10:9-11). Salvation is not something we can earn with our good works, nor is it something we are born into. It is similar to a wedding ceremony. There comes a point when both people are asked to publicly state whether they are receiving the other person as their marriage partner. All those in attendance are waiting for a verbal response. God's Son has already stated that He will receive anyone who comes to Him, repents of his sin, and receives Him as his personal Savior. If the marriage partners only think to themselves, "Yes, I want to marry this person," it would not be valid. They must give verbal acceptances with their mouths. This is also true with receiving Christ as our Savior. "If thou shalt confess with thy mouth ... thou shalt be saved" (Romans 10:9). 11 4 The Need to Understand Pain and Forgiveness Understanding Pain Physical pain is feared and dreaded by most people, yet it has very beneficial functions. Pain sends a signal to the brain for immediate response and a message to every other part of the body to begin a healing process. Those who have the disease of leprosy do not feel pain. Consequently, they are not alerted to ways in which their body is being damaged, such as cutting off circulation of a hand or foot. This results in infection or gangrene which then requires the amputation of those damaged parts of the body. In a similar way, young people fear the social pain of parental discipline or rejection by friends. To avoid such pain, they are often willing to lie about matters that would bring about discipline and compromise personal moral standards with friends in order to be accepted by them. How Can Parents Discover the Unspoken Pain of Their Child? When it is too painful for a son or daughter to share with his parents the suffering he is experiencing over a particular matter, the parents will not understand the decisions and responses that a child makes in order to avoid further pain or reaction to those who are causing it. It is therefore essential that parents take whatever time is necessary to be admitted to the hurting world of their son or daughter. Simply asking if something is bothering a son or daughter will not usually be enough. The child wants to know that the parent has a listening heart as well as a listening ear and that the parent will not reject him or belittle the situation but will give wise and practical counsel and comfort. Questions such as the following should be asked during a time alone with your child. • Is there anything about your appearance that you wish could be changed? • Are there things we or others have promised you that have not been given? • Have there been times when you have been falsely accused or wrongly disciplined? • In what ways do your brothers or sisters irritate you or offend you? • Have you been hurt or offended by friends, classmates, or others? • What things about yourself, your family, or the future do you fear the most? • What has been the most painful experience you have had so far? How Does the Expectation of Fairness Produce Offenses? Children have a keen sense of fairness. If another brother or sister gets some privilege, they believe it is unfair for them not to get it as well. The fact is that life on this earth is not fair. Fairness would require that every person receive the same physical, mental, social, and financial benefits and opportunities at the same time. This, of course, does not happen. Instead, God has designed a system of compensation, character training, rewards for patience, and ultimate justice. One person may be born with riches, another in poverty, yet Scripture states," ... Hath not God chosen the poor of this world rich in faith ... ?" Games 2:5). One child may have a physical "defect" but a greater mental or spiritual capacity. 12 How Should a Child Respond to Rejection? A child should understand that rejection does not need to be a disabling experience but rather a basis for building character and maturity and ultimately benefiting those who reject him. A wise and understanding response to rejection is a key factor in achieving personal success in relationships with other people. The first step in wisely responding to rejection or offenses from other people is to carry out a personal examination. Ask the following questions. • Are there things in my personal life or behavior that are offensive to others? The best way to discover this is to ask friends directly. • Have I said or done things that have damaged or offended others? If so, they should be confessed and forsaken, and forgiveness sought. • Have I rejected others in the same way I am being rejected? Recall those who are disliked and design ways to show them acceptance. • How has rejection helped other people to experience greater achievement and success? After rejection by peanut farmers, George Washington Carver invented hundreds of uses for peanuts. After rejection in many elections, Abraham Lincoln went on to become President of the United States. Through the rejection and crucifixion of Jesus Christ, forgiveness of sin is now available to all who believe on Him. • What specific character qualities can I learn through rejection? Some would be compassion for others, kindness to those who offend, self-control in not reacting, patience in waiting for God to "write last chapters," discernment in understanding causes, and wisdom in understanding hurts. • Have I rejected or shut out God in the same way others have rejected me? This is the most important question to ask since God will often remove things and people from our lives who take our attention and loyalty away from Him. A son or daughter who experiences rejection will be particularly vulnerable to acceptance by undesirable friends and will reject appeals by parents to end these friendships. These wrong friendships will result in further rejection by wholesome young people who could have a positive influence on the teenager. How Should a Child Respond to Rejection for Doing What Is Right? The ability to stand alone for doing what is right is an essential quality that every person should learn. This ability is basic to good leadership. It overcomes the shifting trends of public opinion and is based on the timeless standards of character and morality. Children who grow up with constant exposure to those of their own age will not be likely to have the strength, ability, or wisdom to stand alone. However, children who are removed from their peers during the formative years of training and have the benefit of wise and mature adult teachers and role models will have the strength and courage to stand alone. Rejection and offenses from peers can therefore actually be a benefit to motivate the child to seek adult training and approval. 13 What Are the Consequences in the Life of a Child Who Refuses to Forgive? A child who is offended by a parent or another person will obviously experience hurt feelings. If the child is partially to blame for the offense because of something he did or said, or because of a wrong attitude, he will tend to balance his guilt with blame toward the offender. . If the guilt and blame are not quickly resolved, the guilt will turn into anger, wrath, and bitterness which will distort the thinking process of the child and lead him to damaging ideas and conclusions. The following chart illustrates this sequence. $" Principality Surrendered - - "ground" ~ I +- ·M ~'::--"1,.-;.-;.?,,::..~-r,r.;;;:::::;::::::,;--- _u__ ___ SOUL How Does Unforgiveness Produce Destructive Thoughts and Emotions? 1. Anger-If an offense causes anger, the initial emotion of anger is not wrong in itself. It is like an alarm to indicate the need for forgiveness and self-examination. However, if forgiveness is not given, the anger will usually tum into wrath and then bitterness. 2. False Ideas and Conclusions-Allowing anger to tum to wrath is surrendering a section of our soul (mind, will, and emotions) to the control of evil powers. Wrong thoughts are then generated and damaging conclusions are reached. These strongholds of the mind will affect the attitudes and actions of the child. 3. Destructive Emotions-Wrong conclusions growing out of wrath and anger will sooner or later produce a series of destructive emotions such as depression, selfrejection, fear, anxiety, insecurity, and new outbursts of anger and lust. These in tum will affect bodily functions, resulting in problems such as hormonal imbalance, a weakened immune system, high blood pressure, and other maladies. 4. Resolving the Source of the Problem-A child who displays angry behavior or who has physical or emotional problems related to anger will not experience lasting help by simply treating these outward manifestations. The initial cause of the anger must be identified and resolved. This is accomplished by helping the child see the offense from God's point of view and then give forgiveness. l':r 5 Every Child Needs the Fulfillment of Being a Giver By virtue of their needs children begin life as "takers." They are totally dependent on their parents for survival. In the process of training and maturing, it is important for a child to experience the joy and fulfillment of being a giver rather than a taker. The motivation of being a giver will influence every other attitude and action of the child and to a large extent determine the harmony and success of his future relationships. What Are the Motivations of a Giver and a Taker? There are two basic motivations that every person has: a desire for gain and a fear of loss. The stronger of these is usually a fear of loss. God has placed these two motivations within every heart since the ultimate gain is heaven and the ultimate loss is hell. When a child is told by his parents to do something, he will instinctively reason, "What will I gain if I do it, what will I lose if I do not?" The gain or loss of his parents' approval is usually sufficient motivation. However, when possible it is wise to explain the gain or loss in the very request itself, e.g., "How would you like to demonstrate gratefu1ness for the meal your mother made by helping with the dishes?" vs. "Dry the dishes." What Are the Three Levels of Giving and Taking? There are three levels of these two motivations. The first is a selfish level: "What do I gain if I do it? What do I lose if I do not?" The second level is more mature: "How will others gain if I do it or lose if I do not?" The third level is the highest: "How will God's kingdom gain if I do it, or lose if I do not do it?" It is on these second and third levels that the words of Jesus Christ apply: "It is more blessed to give than to receive" (Acts 20:35). How Does a Taker Become a Giver? God is love and love requires giving. The well-known text in John 3:16 states, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son .... " A true spirit of unselfish giving begins when a child receives the forgiveness of sin that was won by Jesus Christ's death on the cross and eternal life that God offers to each person who becomes His child through faith in Christ. How Does Being a Giver Relate to Achievement and Success? God's life within a person gives him the ability to overcome selfish motives and to give with a true spirit of love, which is expressed in sacrificial generosity. It is on this level that a child can comprehend and experience the greatness that comes through serving. History is filled with the accounts of great men and women who unselfishly sacrificed in order to benefit the lives of others. Jesus said, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). The truest expression of sacrificial serving involves giving to the basic needs of others but doing it in such a way that leaders get the credit and God gets the glory. This is the spirit of Christ's teaching to His disciples. "Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret him.self shall reward thee openly" (Matthew 6:2-4). 15 6 Every Child Needs the Energy of Moral Purity The physical drives in a person's life can either be dissipated through sensual indulgence or brought under control and transformed into creative energy. One writer made a study of the factors which were present in the lives of great people. One of those factors he listed was the capacity to rechannel sexual drives. How Does Understanding Cause and Effect Motivate Moral Purity? A simple young person has no comprehension of a cause-and-effect sequence. He simply enjoys the pleasures of the moment with no thought of future consequences. Therefore, King Solomon begins the book of Proverbs with several chapters written to simple young men about the devastating consequences of engaging in immoral behavior. • "To deliver thee from the strange woman .... None that go unto her return again, neither take they hold of the paths of life" (Proverbs 2:16, 19). • "For the lips of a strange woman drop as an honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil: But her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps take hold on hell" (Proverbs 5:3-5). • "For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life" (Proverbs 6:26). • "But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul. A wound and dishonour shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away" (Proverbs 6:32-33). • "He goeth after her straightway, as an ox goeth to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks; Till a dart strike through his liver; as a bird hasteth to the snare, and knoweth not that it is for his life .... For she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her. Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death" (Proverbs 7:22-27). These warnings are repeated in the following passage. "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting" (Galatians 6:7-8). What Are the Laws of the Harvest? • We reap what we sow. • We reap where we sow. • We reap more than we sow. • We reap in a different season than we sow. How Does a Person's Morality Dictate His Philosophy? Many parents have been shocked and bewildered when the child they trained up with moral standards suddenly renounces his upbringing and enters into a life of immorality Behind such behavior is usually secret or open promiscuity which motivates him to bring his philosophy and theology in line with his chosen way of life. 16 How Can Sex Education Courses Contribute to Juvenile Delinquency? Teaching children the details of a sexual relationship on the basis that this will satisfy their curiosity is a violation of sex and education. Sexual curiosity cannot be satisfied with detailed information about it. Those addicted to pornography understand this fact all too well. Scripture also affirms this point: "Hell and destruction are never full; so the eyes of man are never satisfied" (Proverbs 27:20). Such a course is also a violation of education since it is based on the false assumption that right information will produce right living. The nation of Israel was given the best training possible since they were taught directly by God, yet they continually corrupted themselves with immoral behavior because their nature desired to do evil. Based on these factors, sex education courses to children in public schools are actually increasing their curiosity and stirring up a desire for it. This desire is then further encouraged by providing free access to that which is used for immoral purposes. The sharp rise in teenage pregnancies ought to be proof enough that these measures do not work. When children are expected to be immoral, and given provisions for it, parents and officials should not be surprised with the results. Ten major cities in America now have illegitimate birth rates of over 50 percent. There is wisdom in protecting children from the details of immorality and perversion and only having them learn about the marriage relationship when they are ready for it. In the meantime it is vital to teach children personal purity and self-control and how to recognize and avoid evil influences. How Is a Child Damaged by Unprotected Curiosity? The following sequence is all too common among children who are not protected from pornography and other sensual exploration. Stage One-Natural Curiosity Curiosity is appropriate in every area except learning the details of immorality and perversion. This was the one limitation that God placed on Adam and Eve in the garden. They were not to know evil with their mind or by experience, but rather discern evil with their spirit and avoid it. Stage Two-Awakening of Conscience When a child comes into contact with an immoral situation his conscience is awakened. Asking the question, "Should I do this?" and then finding reasons to justify it are indications of an awakened conscience. Stage Three-Questioning Standards It was after Eve desired the forbidden fruit that Satan approached her with the temptation to partake of it. He questioned the truth of God's warning that if she ate of it she would die. Scripture states, "Every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed" (James 1:14). Stage Four-Violation of Conscience When the mind and emotions focus on an evil action and delight in the imagined pleasure or benefit that will come from it, it is not long before the will surrenders to it. It is important to remember that there is no evil activity the mind is not capable of rationalizing away. 17 Stage Five-Guilt Once the immoral action is done there is an immediate sense of guilt. Guilt is not a function of the mind but of the spirit. Guilt cuts off fellowship with God and His Spirit. It also hinders open communication with parents and others. Guilt is a powerful force within a person. If it is not quickly resolved it will damage the spirit, soul, and body. Stage Six-Religious Compensation The only way to resolve guilt is to openly confess it and sincerely turn from it. Often, however, a person seeks to cover it up. The continuing guilt will cause a person to compensate with religious activity in an attempt to appease God. Stage Seven-Personal Frustration Once sensual desires are aroused they are not brought under control with pseudoreligious activity. This creates tension and frustration within the person since he knows and wants to do what is right, but he has a stronger desire to do what is wrong. Stage Eight-Reexamining Standards In order to resolve his mental and emotional conflict between right and wrong, this person decides to challenge the standards as being too high or unrealistic. He soon finds philosophies that explain what he wants to believe and embraces these as his own beliefs. Stage Nine-Argumentation Now that the person has chosen to follow immorality he needs to convince friends and family members who continue to hold moral standards that they are wrong and he is right. This leads to arguments, debates, and condemnation of hypocrites. How Can the Bondage of Immorality Be Broken? 1. The Power of Jesus Christ-A person who tries to overcome immoral habits with his own willpower is doomed to failure. Even if he achieves a certain measure of success in one area he will then experience new conflicts with pride, self-righteousness, and condemnation of others. The only power capable of breaking this bondage is the power of the Lord Jesus Christ energizing the person from within. This power is available to all those who humble themselves before God, acknowledge that he is a sinner deserving of the eternal judgment of hell, and receive Jesus Christ as his Lord and personal Savior. 2. The Power of God's Spirit-Once a person is a believer, he is urged to dedicate his body to God so that the Spirit of God can teach him truth and guide him in all that he thinks, says, and does. "Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh" (Galatians 5:16). 3. The Power of God's Word-The weapon of the Holy Spirit to fight against immoral temptations is the Word of God. Scripture gives testimony to the power of God's Word to keep a person from sin. "Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way? by taking heed thereto according to thy word. With my whole heart have I sought thee: 0 let me not wander from thy commandments. Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee" (Psalm 119:9-11). 18 7 Every Child Needs Purpose in Life Three great questions about life are, Where did I come from? [origin], Why am I here? [purpose], and Where am I going? [destiny]. Young people who do not have clear and convincing answers to these questions will not have a mature basis upon which to establish life goals or to make wise decisions. Having a purpose in life provides the motivation that a young person needs to adopt a higher standard of behavior and the direction to choose right priorities. What Is the Definition of Success? Success is not gaining money, fame, position, or power; it is achieving the purposes for which we were created. Neither is success measured by what we have achieved, but rather by what we have achieved compared to what we could have achieved. By achieving our life purpose, we discover our identity and experience fulfillment. What Three Questions Do Young People Answer by the Age of Twelve? Most children answer the following three questions by the time they are twelve years of age. Their answers will be influenced by many factors, including the values of their parents, the rewards or consequences that happen in the lives of other people, and the commitments that they have toward clearly defined goals. 1. What type of friends will I choose to have? 2. How will I respond to the authority of my parents and others? 3. Will I be a giver or a taker? It is significant that we have only one Biblical account of the life of Jesus between his birth and his ministry at thirty years old. The account took place when He was twelve, and it explains His response to these three questions. His friends were the wise men of the nation who were in the temple. After discussion of needing to be about His Heavenly Father's business, He became subject to His earthly parents and grew in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man. On the matter of being a giver or a taker, His purpose for coming into the world was to give His life as a ransom for sin. What Factors Shape a Child's Purpose in Life? All of us tend to copy others in the things we say and do. A child will copy his parents in some ways-his friends and role models in other ways. For this reason, it is wise to expose a child to the biographies of great men and women. Select those who have had the moral courage to stand for truth, regardless of the consequences. Ask the child what factors made these men and women great. How Does Music Affect Life Goals? Music is one of the greatest influences on the formation of life goals and the achievement of them. Researchers have confirmed that the elements of order and structure inherent in the works of baroque period composers, such as Bach, Vivaldi, Handel, and Mozart, cause the left (logical) and right (creative) hemispheres of the brain to work together. This harmony results in a rise in calm, attentive behavior and an increase of long-term retention by up to 30 percent. 19 The ancient Greeks knew that music which contained excessive repetition quickly brought the listener under its control. They called it "dominating music" and outlawed it. Many young people in our day are addicted to music with a dominant rhythm and excessive repetition, allowing the negative messages of the music and the lifestyles of the musicians to strongly influence the values and goals of today's youth.* How Life Callings Relate to Life Purpose There are five terms that are helpful to young people in identifying their goals in life. They are: Life Purpose, Life Goals, Life Calling, Life Work, and Life Message. 1. Life Purpose-The ultimate purpose for everything God created is to glorify Him. The chief purpose of mankind is to know God and to glorify Him forever. Scripture states, "Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God" (I Corinthians 10:31). 2. Life Goals-The goals of a believer should be to help as many as possible become rightly related to God through His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, and to grow in Godly character. Jesus said, "Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples" (John 15:8). 3. Life Calling-The particular group of people we are best suited to serve and help. It may be to work with children, fatherless families, or teenagers. It is our calling that will give us direction in life and fulfillment in achieving it. 4. Life Work-Whatever job or jobs that will provide the best opportunity for us to fulfill our life calling. The job may change from time to time, but that does not affect our calling. 5. Life Message-The written account of how we are fulfilling our life calling and the results that are being produced because of it. Our life message should be a treasure for future generations. What Affirmations From Parents Are Important for the Life of a Child? There are five affirmations that every parent should give his sons and daughters. These affirmations are like blessings that nourish and strengthen his children. On the other hand, the lack of these affirmations is like a curse that hinders the development of the child. 1. The affirmation of being born to parents who are married Children who are born outside of marriage face an additional set of pressures during their growing-up years. First, there is the tendency for the mother to associate the child with the unhappy circumstances that brought about conception and because of guilt, communicates rejection to the child. A second factor is the stigma of being "illegitimate" that the child must carry when actually the fault was not his but that of parents who chose selfish pleasures or rebellious actions with disregard to future consequences. A third factor is the tendency of a child to repeat the attitudes and behavior of his parents as he grows up. "Taken from Music and the Mind by Michael Ballam. © & ® 1994 Phoenix Productions, 53 Canterbury ume, Logan, Utah 84321 20 2. The affirmation of being wanted while in the womb Parents who discover they are going to have a child that is either unplanned or unwanted may assume their feelings have no effect upon the unborn child. However, a growing amount of research would indicate just the opposite. Prebirth research has confirmed that a child is far more alert and sensitive to what is happening in the mother than most mothers imagine. Whether or not a child actually senses rejection in the womb, it is still logical to assume that a child who is loved and looked forward to while in the womb will tend to be a happier and more secure baby after birth. 3. The affirmation of a name with a significant meaning Names have significance in shaping a child's perception of who he is and what he will do in life. Names with good meanings can affirm a child and give direction to his life purpose. On the other hand, names or initials with negative or embarrassing meanings can cause ridicule, shame, or shyness. A book of names for babies usually gives the cultural definition of the name. For example, the name Wayne has the cultural definition of "wagon." It is therefore important to translate this meaning into a character definition. This goal can be accomplished by defining the precise purpose of a wagon and then making a character application. A wagon has the purpose of carrying a load. Therefore, the character definition of Wayne could be "a lifter of loads," or "burden bearer." 4. The affirmation of being praised and protected during early childhood Consistent praise or disapproval during early childhood training will affirm acceptable behavior. In addition to this, a child must be protected from as many negative and wrong influences as possible. Training a child to do what is right is somewhat like the treasury department training its agents to spot counterfeit money. During the course of their training they are not shown counterfeit money. Instead, they train them to be so familiar with good money, that when any unfamiliar money is encountered it is immediately rejected as counterfeit. It is vital to give the child thorough training in what is right; however, parents must also understand that each child has a tendency to want to do what is wrong. It is for this reason that the child must be removed and protected from associations and influences that will activate wrong desires. 5. The affirmation of passage to adulthood at age twelve Every child needs the affirmation of being accepted as a young adult at the age of twelve. At this age, a child should be given both appropriate responsibilities for setting wise goals and proper recognition for achieving them. A growing number of parents who understand the importance of this passage are carrying out a ceremony similar to that which is traditionally done in the Jewish community. If a parent has failed to provide these affirmations to a son or daughter it would be very important for that parent to ask forgiveness of the child and to look for ways in which to compensate for the lack of these benefits. Offenses that are covered over by parents will usually grow into a crop of rebellion. Note: The Seminar in Basic Youth Conflicts produced by the Institute in Basic Life Principles has provided practical instruction on these seven basic needs to over two million youth and adults during the past thirty years. 21 Test Your Comprehension of Seven Basic Needs of Today's Youth Unit One: Acceptance, Praise, and Approval 1. It is not the job of parents to trust their children but to _ _ _ _ _ _ _ them. 2. Every child has _ _ _ unchangeable features which parents must accept. 3. Acceptance is given by placing _ _ _ _ _ _ on unchangeable features. 4. Teenagers are controlled by the people who _ _ _ _ _ them. 5. Genuine praise involves _ _ _ _ _ _ elements. 6. Giving exaggerated complements is not praise but _ _ _ _ _ __ 7. Children can learn to love wisdom by the daily study of _ _ _ _ _ __ 8. Rather than telling your child "No" ask him for _ _ _ _ _ why it is unwise. 9. The idea of adolescence gives youth freedom without _ _ _ _ _ _ __ Extra Credit: List as many of the forty-nine character qualities as you can. Unit Two: Instruction, Protection, and Provision 1. The _ _ _ fool believes everything he is told and needs instruction. 2. The _ _ _ fool wants to have a good time which includes breaking the rules. 3. A teenager who no longer cares what his parents think is a _____ fool. 4. This type of fool rejects authority and must be turned over to the _ _ _ __ 5. The _____ fool creates contention and must be publically punished. 6. The _____ fool is determined to do evil and influence as many as he can. 7. When all these types of fools are put together, delinquent behavior _ _ __ 8. The goal of age grouping in school is to remove the child from family _ _ __ 9. A study revealed that geniuses were _ _ _ _ _ from their peers. Extra Credit: List as many character definitions as you can. Unit Three: A Clear Conscience 1. Every child is born with a _ _ _ _ _ which reveal right and wrong. 2. Guilt is not so much a function of the mind as it is of the - - - - 3. Teens who break the rules will be in bondage until they _ _ __ 4. Parents must ask their children specific questions about _ _ _ _ __ 5. Before appealing to the conscience of a child parents must ask _ _ _ __ 22 6. The goal of appealing to a child's conscience is to bring him to _ _ _ _ __ 7. A child who has stolen or damaged property should _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ 8. A child who has lied should clear his conscience by _ _ __ 9. Should a child keep a promise never to tell his parents? __ Extra Credit: Draw a diagram of the spirit, soul, and body. Unit Four: Understand Pain and Forgiveness 1. Parents can discover the unspoken pain of their children by _ _ _ _ _ __ 2. Every child wants to know that a parent has a listening _ _ __ 3. Instead of expecting fairness, children should look for God's _ _ _ _ _ __ 4. A child should first evaluate his actions and attitudes when _ _ _ _ by others. 5. Children who feel rejected will be vulnerable to _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ 6. If a child goes to bed angry, his anger will turn into _ _ __ 7. Continuing anger produces wrong _ _ _ _ and tormenting _ _ _ __ 8. A child who is taunted for doing good should _____ his offenders. Extra Credit: Draw a diagram of regaining ground. Unit Five: Being a Giver 1. Behavior is motivated by a desire for gain and a _ __ 2. The stronger of these motivations is usually a _ __ 3. When asked to do something a child usually asks, "What do I gain if I do it, or what do I _ _ _ if I don't? 4. Selfish desires are overcome by a true spirit of _ __ 5. The greatest demonstration of ____ _ _ _ _ is giving oneself for others. 6. True giving should be done _ _ _ _ __ 7. The goal of giving is to let leaders get the _ _ _ __ 8. The ultimate goal of giving is for ____ to be honored. Extra Credit: Name ten great men and women who were "givers." Unit Six: Moral Purity 1. The goal of moral purity is to transform drives into _ _ _ _ energy. 2. A key motivation for purity is understanding _ __ 3. Solomon warns young people about immorality in _ _ _ __ 4. Four laws of the harvest are: We reap _ _ _ we sow, we reap _ _ _ we sow, we reap _ _ _ than we sow, and we reap in a different that we sow. 23 5. A person's morality tends to dictate his _ _ _ _ _ _ and _ _ _ _ __ 6. Teaching details of sexual activity to children _ _ _ _ _ _ curiosity. 7. Curiosity is good in every area except knowing ____ 8. A youth who argues over _ _ _ _ _ _ usually reveals rebellion. 9. A youth who condemns ______ reveals guilt. 10. Moral bondage can only be overcome by the power of ________ Extra Credit: List the sequence from curiosity to argumentation. Unit Seven: Purpose in Life 1. There are ____ great questions about life that most people have. 2. True success is fulfilling the purpose for which we were _ _ _ __ 3. By the age of twelve most young people have determined their type of---~ response to _______, and whether they will be a _ _ _ _ or _ _ __ 4. Because children copy those they admire, it is wise to give them _ _ _ _ __ 5. Classical music from the _____ period has been shown to increase attentiveness and retention by up to 30 percent. 6. Repetitious music was _ _ _ _ _ by the ancient Greeks. 7. Our life purpose should be to _ _ _ _ _ __ 8. Our life calling is the particular _ _ __ created to serve. - - - - - - which we were 9. Our life work is whatever _ _ _ will help us fulfill our life calling. 10. Every child 11:eeds the affirmation of being born of parents who are _ _ __ " Extra Credit: List ten