Effective Counseling - Part Three PDF

Ahuaucrh Wraiuiug ]untitutr nf l\mcri.ca A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN 'Effective Counse{ing PART THREE A COMPREHENSIVE C, \URSE IN EFFECTIVE COUNSELING PARTTHREE 1 2 3 How Attitudes Are Shaped by Our Perspective ........... 3 Can We Know Why God Let It Happen? .................... 4 How to Discer...

Ahuaucrh Wraiuiug ]untitutr nf l\mcri.ca A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN 'Effective Counse{ing PART THREE A COMPREHENSIVE C, \URSE IN EFFECTIVE COUNSELING PARTTHREE 1 2 3 How Attitudes Are Shaped by Our Perspective ........... 3 Can We Know Why God Let It Happen? .................... 4 How to Discern Why God Lets Things Happen ........... 5 • How can God use this to produce humility in me? • What character can be developed through this? • Is this God's loving discipline to correct me? • Is this preparation for future leadership? • Did this happen because of the iniquities of others? 4 5 6 7 8 9 Why Did God Let Joseph Be Enslaved? ..................... 7 Why Did God Let My Parents Get Divorced? .............. 8 Why Did God Let a Loved One Die? ....................... 11 Why Does God Let Me Be Poor? ............................ 13 Why Is It Important to See From God's Perspective? .... 15 Further Topics for Your Study ............................... 15 "... All things work together for good . ... To be conformed to the image of his Son ... " (Romans 8:28-29). Institute in Basic Life Principles Box One • Oak Brook, Illinois 60522-3001 HOW ATTITUDES ARE SHAPED BY OUR PERSPECTIVE Effective counseling is based on the ability to help people view their circumstances from God's perspective. If a person interprets events from his own point of view, he will experience such emotions as discouragement, disillusionment, ungratefulness, fear, or anger. It is amazing how a person's attitudes will change to hopefulness, gratefulness, peace, and contentment when he sees the same events or circumstances through a different set of eyes. As one person put it, "Everything is different, but nothing has changed." How a Car Accident Can Be Viewed From Two Perspectives From Our Perspective Why Did God Let it Happen? • Anger that it happened • To see the frailty of earthly possessions • Guilt for being responsible • To set our affections on things above • Blame for other causes • To learn to be more alert • Sorrow over loss of money •Tobe thankful for God's daily protection • Grief over injury • To show that life is like a vapor • Regret over carelessness • To be a testimony to others involved • Worry over lack of a car • To humble us for more of God's grace • Concerns over its repair • To remind us that we are stewards • Frustration over disrupted schedule • To cry out to God in the day of trouble 3 CAN WE KNOW WHY GOD LET IT HAPPEN? The ability to see from God's perspective does not come naturally. It is a discipline that God wants us to develop in connection with other aspects of spiritual growth. Notice that in the following verses, special wisdom about the ways of God is given to those who meet specific prerequisites: D If we yield our rights "The meek will he guide in judgment: and the meek will he teach his way" (Psalm 25:9). D If we are pure in heart "Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God [as God sees]" (Matthew 5:8). D If we obey His commandments "Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you . ... I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you" (John 15:14-15). D If we develop spiritual discernment "But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned" (I Corinthians 2:14). D If we consider the opposite of our natural inclinations "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:8-9). D If we are spiritually minded "But he that is spiritual judgeth all things . ... For who hath known the mind of the Lord ... ? But we have the mind of Christ" (I Corinthians 2:15-16). D If we fear the Lord "The secret of the Lord is with them that fear him; and he will show them his covenant" (Psalm 25:14). D If we love God "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. ... To be conformed to the image of his Son" (Romans 8:28-29). 4 HOW TO DISCERN WHY GOD LETS THINGS HAPPEN Basic Questions to Ask 1 How can God use this to produce humility in me? The one negative quality that God hates the most and that Satan uses the most is pride. Pride caused Satan to be cast out of Heaven. Pride caused Adam and Eve to be cast out of the Garden. Only by pride cometh contention. A proud look is the first of seven things that God hates. (See Proverbs 6:16-17.) On the other hand, it is only by humility and the fear of the Lord that we obtain the most important things in life: "By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches, and honour, and life" (Proverbs 22:4). Because humility is so basic to our achieving God's purpose for our lives, and because He has told us to humble ourselves or He will humble us, we should evaluate how the things that happen to us are designed to be a part of God's humbling process. This is one of the first cor\siderations to make when evaluating an event or circumstance. Why did God let David be pursued by Saul? To humble David and prepare him for an effective reign as king. Why did God let Israel wander in the wilderness for forty years? The answer again is to humble them. "And thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no" (Deuteronomy 8:2). 2 What character qualities can be developed through this? Look at the situation and go through the list of specific character qualities. Ask yourself, "Which ones will be developed if I respond correctly to this circumstance?" Here are several possible answers: • • • • • Will I learn patience through what has happened? Will I be more grateful for things I take for granted? Should I be kind and forgiving toward offenders? Will it motivate me to develop endurance? Will it make me more alert and discerning? We know that character training is a major reason why God lets things happen, because "all things work together for good . ... To be conformed to the image of his Son" (Romans 8:28-29). 5 3 Is this God's loving discipline to correct me? God has established a very precise cause-and-effect sequence in the natural world and in the spiritual world. Just as the laws of nature govern what takes place in the universe, so God's spiritual laws affect what takes place in our lives and relationships. If we have been disrespectful to our parents in earlier years, and now things are not going well for us, it may be that God is giving the consequences for our violating the Fifth Commandment. The Fifth Commandment promises that if we honor our father and mother, things will go well for us. (See Ephesians 6:2-3.) The reverse is also true. If we do not honor our father and mother, things will not go well for us. If we do evil to one who has helped us, Scripture warns that evil will not depart from our house. "Whoso rewardeth evil for good, evil shall not depart from his house" (Proverbs 17:13). Because God loves us, He will chasten us as a father chastens a son. (See Hebrews 12:6.) 4 Is this preparation for future leadership? The life of Joseph is a classic example of difficult things happening to a person in order to prepare him for his future work-in this case, the second highest leader in the land of Egypt. His serving in the house of Potiphar gave him the experience to manage the realm of Egypt. His serving in the prison tested his ability to maintain cheerfulness, even in difficult times. During Joseph's imprisonment, he also learned how the mind of a criminal works, and he was able to use this understanding to bring his brothers to repentance. Jesus promised that if we suffer with Hirn, we will also reign with Him. (See II Timothy 2:12.) Suffering forces us to greater maturity, and when we suffer by those in authority, we experience firsthand how important it is for a leader to be kind and merciful to those under his jurisdiction. We are not to look at suffering as a strange occurrence, but as a necessary means for the Spirit of God and His glory to rest upon us. (See I Peter 4:12-14.) 5 Did this happen because of the iniquities of others? Because of Adam's transgression, we live in a fallen world, and the consequences of sin do affect our lives. A good name and a rich heritage from parents are blessings that should make us grateful and generous. On the contrary, parents who have offended others and passed on an evil name create a problem that needs to be dealt with by sons and daughters. David suffered from a famine for three years and finally asked God why He let it happen. God informed him that it was the consequence of his predecessor's cruel treatment of the Gibeonites. When David cleared up this matter, God restored His blessing upon the nation. (See II Samuel 21:1-14.) 6 WHY DID GOD LET JOSEPH BE ENSLAVED? If Joseph asked you why God let him become enslaved and imprisoned, what would you say? 1 D To Overcome Any Attitudes of Pride "Before God honors a person, He humbles him." (See Proverbs 15:33.) 2 D To Teach Him How to Serve "The secret of greatness is learning to serve." (See Matthew 25:11.) 3 D To Train Him How to Be Faithful "If you are faithful in little, God will give you much." (See Matthew 25:21.) 4 D To Prepare Him for Leadership "A wise leader knows the needs of those who serve him." (See II Corinthians 1:4; II Timothy 2:12.) 5 D To Test Him in Moral Purity "Enduring temptation brings a crown of life." (See James 1:12.) 6 D To Allow Him to Experience a False Accusation "Responding correctly to false accusations brings eternal rewards." (See Matthew 5:12.) 7 D To Give Him Experience in Being an "Energy-Giver" in Prison "Bearing others' burdens will open doors of opportunity." (See Galatians 6:2.) 8 D To Teach Him How the Mind of a Guilty Person Works "Those who are guilty tend to blame others." (See Romans 2:1-2.) 9 D To Prepare Him to Bring His Brothers to Repentance "Justice must be established before giving mercy." (See Proverbs 16:6.) 10 D To Learn Patience for God's Timing "After you have suffered for a while, God will establish you." (See I Peter 5:10.) 7 WHY DID GOD LET MY PARENTS GET DIVORCED? 1 It puts you in a special classification with God. Normally, the father leaves the family in a divorce, and custody of the children is given to the mother. When this happens, the children are, in a practical sense, fatherless. Several promises immediate! y become yours. God is "a father of the fatherless ... " (Psalm 68:5). God will take you up into His loving arms in a special way, according to Psalm 27:10. In this verse, the word forsake means "to leave behind": "When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." 2 It causes you to see the importance of conquering bitterness. Most marriages are destroyed by little hurts and offenses that turn into major bitterness. It is for this reason that we are instructed not to let the sun go down upon our wrath. God warns us how devastating bitterness is to relationships, especially to marriages, by giving the command, "Husbands love your wives, and be not bitter against them" (Colossians 3:19). 3 It emphasizes the importance of being under authority. Many marriages that break up never received the full blessing and approval of their parents for the marriage to start with. The resulting tension with parents and parents-in-law added new burdens to the marriage and hindered the couple from receiving the blessing of the Lord. It is wise to make the commitment that you will never marry a person without the full consent of both sets of parents. 4 It requires you to learn new responsibilities. Each parent carries major responsibilities for the ongoing success of the family. When these are not fulfilled by one of the parents, the son or daughter becomes responsible to make up the loss, where possible. This adds new responsibility to the child, but it also brings a greater measure of God's grace, which is "the desire and the power to accomplish what is right." 5 It allows you to understand more about Christ. The greatest purpose in life is to know the Lord Jesus Christ and to be conformed to His character. In order to help us do this, God will often take us through things that He experienced so we can learn to feel as He did about them. Sometime during Jesus' youth, He lost His father and became responsible for the care of His mother. 8 6 It trains you to look to your Heavenly Father and honor both parents. No matter what your parents have done to offend each other or you, it is still important to honor them as the ones whom God has chosen to bring you into the world and to provide for you in your early years. When you became a believer by putting your faith and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, God became your Heavenly Father. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He will provide for your needs. He will give you wise discipline. He will make up for any lacks in your earthly father. Even as a boy of twelve, Jesus had a very clear focus on His Heavenly Father when He said to His earthly father, "... Wist ye not that I must be about my [Heavenly] Father's business?" (Luke 2:49). 7 It motivates you to have a hatred for evil. Now that you are having to live with the consequences of sin, you should have a greater motivation to fulfill the Scriptural commands to hate evil. "Ye that love the Lord, hate evil: he preserveth the souls of his saints; he delivereth them out of the hand of the wicked" (Psalm 97:10). "The fear of the Lord is to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate" (Proverbs 8:13). To hate evil means that you would not take up offenses for one patent against the other. Neither would you set one parent against the other to get your own way. 8 It provides an opportunity for you to be a peacemaker. It may not be possible for you to bring your parents back together again, nor is this your responsibility. However, you will have many opportunities to learn how to be a peacemaker and to help restore communication between both parents. You can do this by showing gratefulness for each parent and by communicating any good statements that one has made about the other. You can also give comfort and encouragement to each parent and pray for them every day. 9 It gives a basis for comforting others from broken homes. In order give comfort and counsel to others, we must understand the pressures and problems which they have experienced. Because you have gone through the heartache of your parents' getting divorced and have experienced the hurts and difficulties which accompany a broken marriage, you will find that others from broken homes will share their problems with you and be open to your counsel. The joy and fulfillment that you receive in giving comfort and counsel to others from broken homes will be a powerful compensation for the personal loss and disappointments which you have experienced in your own family. 9 10 It develops a greater appreciation for the family. One of the tendencies in life is to not fully appreciate something until it is taken from us. This tendency is often experienced by those who grow up in a home with both parents. Now that you have lived through the consequences of a broken marriage, you will understand in a deeper way God's design for marriage and the family. In fact, your new appreciation for strong marriages and families will certainly give you a purpose to help other marriages. This ministry could become an important part of your future life work. 11 It forces you to put your security in the Lord. As we are growing up, it is only natural that we would build our security around our parents. However, true security comes by building our lives around that which can never be taken away. Now that one of your parents has left the home, you will see the importance of finding your security in the Lord and in His Word. The Scriptures will be especially comforting to you during these years as you long for the fellowship of one of your parents. 12 It helps you to understand the need for genuine forgiveness. One of the greatest hurts that a person can experience is rejection by a parent. When this occurs in a divorce, there is a need for you to understand the meaning of genuine forgiveness. True forgiveness is not just releasing my offender emotionally, but it is accepting the continuing consequences of his offenses. Forgiveness is deepened to genuine love as you sacrificially invest things of value in the lives of those who have offended you. After studying the previous material, you should be able to think of at least one more benefit that could result for a child whose parents have been divorced. Add your further insights below. 10 WHY DID GOD LET A LOVED ONE DIE? 1 It forces us to consider eternity. It is so easy for us to allow the things of this world to block out the realities of eternity. However, death brings us face to face with the life to come. We are forced to consider whether the person was a true believer and went to Heaven or rejected Christ and was sent to hell. 2 It gives us an opportunity to witness to unsaved loved ones. When a loved one dies, those who are not believers tend to be more open to thinking about eternity and willing to talk about it. Death is a fearful experience for one who is not a believer, and the loss of a loved one is a shocking reminder of the shortness of life and the certainty of death. Funerals and times of grieving provide excellent opportunities to explain how Christ died for us and how we can receive eternal life by putting our faith and trust in Him. 3 It reminds us of the brevity of life. Our life is described in the Bible as " ... a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away" (James 4:14). Without the deaths of loved ones, it is easy for us to feel that we will live indefinitely. Thus, we make plans for the future and boast about what we will accomplish, not realizing that our lives could end at any moment, and it is of God's mercies that we are not consumed every day. (See Lamentations 3:22-23.) 4 It motivates us to maintain a clear conscience. When a loved one dies, we can no longer tell him how much we appreciate him, nor ask for forgiveness for ways in which we have offended him. Many people are carrying heavy burdens of guilt because loved ones died before they could clear their consciences with them. That guilt must now be carried to the Lord directly, and we should make sure that we have a clear conscience with every other person, so the same painful experience does not recur when they die. 5 It causes us to appreciate those who are living. All the good things that we wanted to do for loved ones who died can still be done with those who are living. The times we could have spent together and the things we could have done to encourage them should now be transferred to those who are still with us. 11 6 It allows us to comfort others who are sorrowing. If you have experienced the death of a loved one, you will be qualified to help others who go through the same experience. You will know when they need words of encouragement and when they need someone just to be there. You will remember what topics you wanted to talk about and what discussion was not appropriate. As you comfort a fellow believer who has lost a loved one, you will be able to use IThessalonians 4:14-18: "... Ifwe believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him . ... Wherefore comfort one another with these words." 7 It deepens our understanding of God's love. Now that we understand the sorrow of losing a loved one, we can begin to appreciate the depth of God's love when He sent His Beloved Son to die for our sin. We might be tempted to think that God was not grieved because He knew that Christ would be raised from the dead. However, Jesus knew that He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, yet He still wept over the death of His friend. When you go to a funeral, you will often hear a family member give the reassuring words, "He passed away without pain." However, Christ experienced a death of the most excruciating pain known to man. 8 It motivates us to reevaluate our priorities. Death is a sober reminder that we have a limited time in which to accomplish the things that God has given us to do. We are told to redeem the time ''... because the days are evil" (Ephesians 5:16) and to make the best use of all of our time. As we evaluate the things that count for eternity, we will be fulfilling the instruction of Scripture, "... Teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom" (Psalm 90:12). Restudy the points on "How to Discern Why God Lets Things Happen." Then think of one more reason why a person would be benefited by experiencing sorrow over the death of a loved one. 12 WHY DOES GOD LET ME BE POOR? 1 It means you are chosen to be rich in faith. God has chosen the poor of this world to be rich in faith. (See James 2:5.) This compensation is significant, because faith can be used to obtain from God those things that we need. By faith, the great men and women of Scripture obtained the promises of God. (See Hebrews 11:33.) One of God's promises is that He will supply all our needs "... according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19). 2 It allows you to learn the disciplines of stewardship. Jesus said that if we are faithful in little, He will give us responsibility for much. (See Matthew 25:23.) The lessons we learn in managing small amounts of money are the same lessons we need to faithfully manage large amounts of money. 3 It symbolizes an inward condition that God honors. Jesus said to His disciples, "Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 5:3). The word poor means '' one who looks outside of himself for his daily sustenance." 4 It requires you to strengthen your prayer life. God delights in our daily dependence upon Him for our needs. Thus, He teaches us to pray, "Give us this day our daily bread" (Matthew 6:11). A rich man does not think about using such a prayer. He thinks in terms of looking to his company to give him this month his monthly check. 5 It allows you to identify with the Spirit of Christ. None is richer than the Lord Jesus Christ in His Heavenly Kingdom. ", .. Though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, that ye through his poverty might be rich" (II Corinthians 8:9). 6 It forces you to learn contentment. Contentment is realizing that I already have what I need for my present happiness. Contentment means that we learn how to enjoy the things we do have rather than focusing on the things we do not have. Contentment should occur if we have only food and clothing. (See I Timothy 6:8.) 13 7 It motivates you to be resourceful and creative. One basis for making money is buying items or raw materials at a low price and then selling the goods or products for a higher price and then making a profit. (See James 4:13.) Resourcefulness involves using items that others would normally discard or overlook and turning them into that which has value or benefit to a buyer. Creativity involves not only making products to meet needs, but also finding new uses for existing products. 8 It produces a spirit of gratefulness. When a poor person is content, he has few expectations. Therefore, he tends to view every additional benefit with gratefulness. In contrast to this, a rich person expects extra benefits and is not grateful for them when they are given. God delights in the grateful praise of His people. Such praise will come from the poor who recognize God's hand in every area of their lives rather than from the rich who secretly believe that their hand gained them their wealth. 9 It may be a discipline for violating Scripture. There are many causes of poverty that involve violations of Scriptural principles. Immorality will cause God to reduce a person to "a piece of bread." (See Proverbs 6:26; Job 31:9-11.) Following after vain people (Proverbs 28:19), negligence in managing our affairs (Proverbs 10:4), trying to get rich quick (Proverbs 28:22), making agreements with strangers (Proverbs 6:1-5), and borrowing money (Proverbs 22:7) are steps toward poverty. 10 It qualifies you for God's special promises to the poor. God has many special promises for the poor. He will protect the poor (Psalm 12:5), He will hear the cry of the poor (Psalm 69:33), and He thinks about the poor (Psalm 40:17). He promised that those who give to the poor are actually loaning to the Lord, and "... that which he hath given will he pay him again" (Proverbs 19:17). After thinking about the reasons that God would allow you to be poor, list one more benefit from God's point of view. 14 WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO SEE EVENTS FROM GOD'S POINT OF VIEW? The only way we can fulfill important Biblical commands and make Scriptural commitments is to see why things that happen are actually for our benefit and not for our destruction. Here are a few commands that become easy when we know why God let things happen: 1 "In all things give thanks." (I Thessalonians 5:18) It is hard to give thanks when we are looking at events from our perspective. However, if we see these same events from God's point of view and learn how they will benefit us, it is easy to give thanks. 2 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart." (Proverbs 3:5) It is hard to trust in the Lord if we do not understand why He allows things to happen to us and do not see them as benefiting us. 3 "Fear not, neither be afraid." (Isaiah 44:8) Fear is not from God, but from Satan. We tend to fear what we do not understand, and we tend to worship the things we fear. Fear is a natural response of seeing a situation from man's point of view. 4 "Rejoice in the Lord al way." (Philippians 4:4) It is hard to rejoice in events that normally produce the opposite emotions. However, if we see these same events from God's point of view and realize that they are designed for our good, it will be easy to rejoice. FURTHER TOPICS FOR YOUR STUDY: From what you have learned in this booklet, select one or more of the following topics and send us the results of your seeing it (them) from God's point of view: • Why Did God Allow Me to Have a Physical Defect? • Why Did God Allow Me to Have Enemies? • Why Did God Allow Me to Be Lonely? • Why Did God Allow Me to Be Adopted? • Why Did God Allow Me to Have a Disease? • Why Did God Allow My Parents to Be So Strict? 15 Effective Counseling Courae -Part 3 11111111111111111111111111111111111111 P01004