Effective Counseling PDF

l\huancrh Wrainin9 lfnntitutr of l\ttt.erica A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN 'Effective Counse{ing PART SEVEN HOW TO MOTIVATE YOUTH FOR SEVEN DAILY TASKS A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN EFFECTIVE COUNSELING PART SEVEN The Two Basic Motivations of Human Nature .................... 3 1 Character Inventory f...

l\huancrh Wrainin9 lfnntitutr of l\ttt.erica A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN 'Effective Counse{ing PART SEVEN HOW TO MOTIVATE YOUTH FOR SEVEN DAILY TASKS A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN EFFECTIVE COUNSELING PART SEVEN The Two Basic Motivations of Human Nature .................... 3 1 Character Inventory for Diligence ............................. 4 Get a "GREAT SLOTH" Out of Bed ........................... s Guidelines ....................................................... 6 2 Character Inventory for Orderliness ........................... 8 Teach a Messy Teen NEAT HABITS ........................... 9 Guidelines ...................................................... 10 3 Character Inventory for Wisdom .............................. 12 Help a Carnal Teen With QUIET TIMES ...................... 13 Guidelines ...................................................... 14 4 Character Inventory on Cleanliness ........................... 16 Have an Untidy Teen "SCRUB HARDER" .................... 17 Guidelines ...................................................... 18 5 Character Inventory in Attentiveness ......................... 20 Guide a Restless Teen to BE ATTENTIVE .................... 21 Guidelines ...................................................... 22 6 Character Inventory in Discernment .......................... 24 Divert a Dependent Teen to WISE FRIENDS ................. 2s Guidelines ...................................................... 26 7 Character Inventory in Obedience ............................ 28 Get a Hyper Teen to Bed Early (MEDITATE NOW) ........... 29 Guidelines ...................................................... 30 Self-Evaluation in Motivational Skills ........................... 32 The Two Basic Factors of Motivation God has placed within the heart of each person two basic motivations. These motivations influence every decision. Before you give any instruction to a person, you must understand these motivations and make sure your requests are in harmony with them. They are as follows: 1 A Desire for Gain 2 A Fear of Loss When God appeals to us in Scripture, He continually uses these two motivations. One example is given in Deuteronomy 30:15-16: "See, I have set before thee this day life and good, and death and evil; In that I command thee this day to love the Lord thy God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commandments and his statutes and his judgments, that thou mayest live and multiply .... " The greater of these two motivations is a fear of loss. The ultimate gain is Heaven and the ultimate loss is hell. Based on these two motivations, a person will instinctively have the following two questions in his mind when you ask him to do something: 1 What will I gain if I do it? 2 What will I lose if I do not do it? Example: A father asked his eighteen-year-old son to go upstairs and paint his room. The son immediately asked himself these two questions: "What will I gain if I do it? What will I lose if I don't do it?" He was planning to leave for the army the following week; thus he would not be using his room anymore. So he said to his father, "No, I don't want to paint it." An argument resulted and anger was displayed on both sides. If the father had acted wisely, he would have answered these two questions in the very request for his son to paint his room. He could have said the following: "Son, next week you will be going into the army. When you leave, I am going to miss you and will think of all the times we could have spent together. Is there something you would like to do that we could do together before you leave?" If the son cannot think of anything he would like to do, the father could then say, "Let's decorate your room together, and after you leave we will use it as a guest room. I will put a picture of you on the desk and explain to guests that you prepared the room for them, and if they would like to thank you, they could write you a letter." This request is completely different from the command to paint the room. It explains to him what he will gain if he does it and what he will lose if he does not do it. Most importantly, this request presents this information to him before he makes a decision. Frank Bettger gives profound insights and examples on how to motivate people in his best-selling book How I Raised Myself From Failure to Success in Selling. (This is available through IBLP Publication Orders.) He wisely observed that one of the most important secrets to motivating another person is to find out what he wants, then help him find the best way to get it. Remember this point as you study this booklet. 3 To be filled out by the teen Do you have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning? I Hard I I I I I I I I I Easy 12345678910 How often have you gotten up by 5:30 A.M.? Rarely I I I I I I I I I I Frequently 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How quickly do you get up after you wake up? Delayed I I I J I I I I I I Immediately 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Does energetic music motivate you to get up? No I I I I I I I I I I Yes 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How would you rate your daily energy level? Low I I I I I I I I I I High 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Do you have a motivating purpose for which to get up? No purpose I l I I l l I I I I Clear purpose 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How often do you honor a day of rest? Rarely I I l I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Regularly 10 How would you rate your level of diligence? Slothful I I I l I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Diligent How often do you decide the night before what to wear on the following day? Never I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Always 10 Total points (out of 90): _ __ 4 Daily Task Number One: Get a HGREATSLOTH" Out of Bed Get out of bed first and be an example. Realize you should have prepared the night before. Enjoy listening to motivating march music. Analyze why he is not getting out of bed. Talk to God about rebuking the principalities over him. Study How to Conquer Slothfulness and memorize verses. Learn biographies of great people who got up early. Open the drapes and let some light in. Talk about the plans that have been made for the day. Honor the Lord's Day and get extra rest for the week. 5 Guidelines to ... Getting a ''GREAT SLOTH'' Out of Bed 1 Get out of bed first and be an example. Motivating others to do what is right always requires that we be an example. Jesus Christ taught by example, and we should do the same. "For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you" (John 13:15). Similarly, Paul told his disciples to follow him in the same way in which he was following Christ. (See I Corinthians 4:16.) Observant parents have learned that if they get up before the children, the parents start off the day being in charge. However, if the children get up first, then the children are in charge of the beginning of the day. 2 Realize you should have prepared the night before. Success in getting up in the morning is largely determined by what preparations are made the night before. These preparations should include a well-thought-out schedule for the next day's activities, an agreed-upon time to get up, and what clothes to wear. Avoid as many energy-taking decisions as possible in the morning so your mind can be free to think about the Lord. Remember that God designed the day to begin in the evening-not in the morning. 3 Enjoy listening to motivating march music. March music activates the thalamus gland and produces adrenaline which, in tum, will provide energy for a lazy teenager to get out of bed. In addition to its energizing capabilities, march music brings to mind the disciplines that are required in the military and reminds us that we are to be good soldiers in a very real spiritual war. Adjust the volume of the music to achieve the desired goal of activating the lazy teen. It is vital to eliminate any rock beat from morning music, because the off-beat of rock music is counterproductive to the functions of the heart and also stirs up negative attitudes that are contrary to a spirit of obedience. 4 Analyze why the teen is not getting out of bed. Just as it is important for a teenager to trust his authorities, so it is required of his authorities to understand him. Is he not getting out of bed because he did not get enough sleep, because he does not want to face the day, because he has no motivation to get up, because he is sick, because he is demonstrating rebellion, or for some other reason? Ask why and then listen. 6 5 Talk to God about getting the teen out of bed. Remember, we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers. There is a ruler of darkness over the area in which you and the teenager live. Ask God to rebuke this ruler (and the principalities and powers) in the Name and through the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. Ask God to build a hedge of thorns around the teenager and cause every wrong influence to be driven away so that he will be open and responsive to the truth. Also ask God to give the teenager wisdom and grace. 6 Study How to Conquer Slothfulness. If a teen is in good health but does not want to get out of bed in the morning, it is likely that he is having a problem with slothfulness. God gives some vivid descriptions of slothfulness in Proverbs-especially about getting out of bed in the morning. "As the door turneth upon his hinges, so doth the slothful upon his bed" (Proverbs 26:14). Schedule a time when you can go over the Character Booklet on diligence. This booklet contains a section on slothfulness. Select four or five key verses in this booklet for memorization. 7 Learn about great people who got up early. The value of reading biographies is explained in the proverb: "He that walketh with wise men shall be wise ... " (Proverbs 13:20). Begin your study by looking in Strong's Concordance under the word early. Write out all the references to those who got up early in the morning, and read their stories in the Bible. A helpful little book that lists many great Christians who got up early in the morning was written by E. M. Bounds and is entitled Power Through Prayer. 8 Open the drapes and let some light in. At 5:30 in the morning there might not be much light, so it may be necessary to tum on a lamp. Avoid bright overhead lights, since the brightness may motivate a teenager to put his head under the pillow rather than get out of bed. 9 Talk about the plans you have made for the day. Gently explain to the teenager, "It's time to get up and get ready for the events of the day ... " Ask him how he slept during the night and how he feels. Talking leads to action. 10 Honor the Lord's Day and get extra rest. God promises to honor those who keep His day of rest. This reward is described in Isaiah 58. Just as getting up in the morning is determined by preparations the evening before, so success during the week is established by keeping the Lord's Day. 7 To be filled out by the teen Do you feel that your life is in order or disorder? Disorder I I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Order How would you rate your desire to learn to be orderly? Weak I I I I I I I I I I Strong 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How much training have you had in organizing things? Little I I I I I I I I I I Extensive 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How informed are you on the root causes of disorder? Uninformed I I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Knowledgeable How skilled are you in maintaining order? Unskilled I I I I I I I I I I Proficient 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How much do you know about the orderliness of God? Little understanding I I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Good understanding How strong is your desire to collect things? Nonexistent I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Overpowering 10 How orderly are your storage areas now? Disorderly I I I I I I I I I I Organized 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How orderly do you feel your mind and thoughts are? Scrambled I I I I I I I I I I Organized 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Total points (out of 90): _ __ 8 Daily Task Number Two: Teach a Messy Teen NEAT HABITS Never fail to make your own bed. Evaluate your thoroughness and plan for inspections. Ask yourself if you are being an energy-giver. Teach him different styles of making his bed. Have a place for everything and everything in its place. Affirm all his efforts with sincere praise. Be enthusiastic about keeping your own room neat. Inform him that filth often indicates immorality and evil. Talk about the nature of God in being orderly. Study the Character Booklet on orderliness. 9 Guidelines in ... Teaching a Messy Teen NEAT HABITS 1 Never fail to make your own bed. If you fail to make your bed, even for one morning, you will provide a rationalization in the mind of the young person for why he is not making his bed. By making your bed as soon as you get up, you also eliminate the temptation to crawl back into it, and you accomplish a necessary task for the day. This good habit should be carried out wherever you stay. The staff members of hotels have been astonished and open to the Gospel as they have walked into rooms and observed that the beds had been made by orderly young people. 2 Evaluate your thoroughness and plan for inspections. Smooth out the lumps in your bed, tuck in the sheets and blankets, and be prepared for an inspection. God designed us with the need for visible inspection and verbal evaluation of all of our work. It is on this basis that He tells us that every one of us must give an account of all our deeds, whether good or bad. If there is no expectation of an inspection, there is a temptation to listen to the thought, "No one will see if I make my bed or clean my room, so why should I bother?" Arrange for an objective inspection from a higher authority. This will put both of you on the same level of needing to do a thorough job. 3 Ask yourself if you are being an energy-giver. It takes energy to get out of bed in the morning. It takes even more energy to make the bed and clean the room. We can help to provide some of that energy by giving a cheerful smile, encouraging words, and entI:usiastic responses to menial tasks. The need to be an energy-giver is affirmed by the command to study how we might motivate one another to love and good works. (See Hebrews 10:24.) 4 Teach him different styles of making his bed. There are several styles that could be used in making a bed. Three of these are hospital style, military style, and hotel style. Learn how to do each one of these so you can teach the young person how to do them and allow him to choose which one he likes the best. There are also various ways to arrange your clothing and shoes, to brush your teeth, and to wash your face. The more information a teenager has about a task, the more important it becomes in his eyes. 5 Have a place for everything and everything in its place. It is true that an orderly room and work space directly affect the clarity of thought and degree of productivity in the tasks of the day. Therefore, it is vital to take the time to orga- 10 nize all of our belongings and evaluate each item as to whether we really need it. Ask yourself, "Is there someone else who needs this more than I do? Will I use this item in the near future? How will this item help me for eternity?" Remember that an empty drawer is a clean drawer. Once we have removed all the things we do not need, it takes less time to keep the remaining things in order. 6 Affirm all his efforts with sincere praise. Young people respond to praise more than any other form of instruction, and depending on how it is used, praise can make the difference in whether a young person will spend the extra effort to maintain habits of neatness. Phrases that would communicate praise would include, "You did a good job making your bed! Your bed ought to pass inspection with flying colors! You do such thorough work in organizing your things." 7 Be enthusiastic about keeping your own room neat. Attitude is a deciding factor in successfully motivating a young person. Be genuinely enthusiastic about each task, and help him to visualize the end result. Realize that a murmuring spirit is easily detected and highly contagious. 8 Inform him that filth often indicates immorality and evil. Moral purity is vital in the life of a young person. Therefore, we need to identify any symptoms of impurity. Dirty, filthy living conditions are usually signs of an immoral life. By keeping our room neat and clean, we are able to avoid all appearance of evil. 9 Talk about the nature of God in being orderly. God is a God of order, as revealed in the stars, the seasons, and the molecular structures of elements. Read through the Genesis account of Creation, and find further ways in which God demonstrated orderliness. Find an area of science that interests the young person, and ask God to show Himself to you through the order of that area. 10 Study the Character Booklet on orderliness. How to Develop Orderliness has key insights into this vital quality. Study this booklet and have the young person find several areas of application for his life. You can then look deeper into each area by reading a biography of a great person, studying nature, finding secrets from those who have been especially successful in that area, or by other means of exploration. 11 To be filled out by the teen How well do you know the Bible? Not at all I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 I Thoroughly 8 9 10 How skilled are you in using a concordance? Inexperienced I I I I I I I I I I Experienced 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How consistent are you in your Bible reading? Never I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Daily 10 How regular are your prayer times? Never I I I I I I I I I I Daily 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How much Scripture have you memorized? None I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Great amount 10 How hard is it to concentrate during prayer and Bible reading? Difficult I 11111111 IEasy 1 2 10 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 How often do you see answers to your prayers? Rarely I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Always 10 How often do you write out insights from the Bible? Rarely I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Frequently 10 How often do you apply what you learn from the Scripture? Rarely I I I I I I I I I I Frequently 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Total points (out of 90): _ __ 12 Daily Task Number Three: Help Carnal Teens With QUIET TIMES Quiz him on his knowledge of the Bible. Understand how to use Strong's Concordance. Introduce the concept of a Meditation Worksheet. Explain how to do a Wisdom Search. Teach him how to pray. Talk about verses that have personal application. Instill a love for Scripture by outlining Psalm 119. Make sure he has his own Bible (King James Version). Enter insights and ~pplications in a life journal. Schedule a consistent time and find a place for quiet tim 13 Guidelines in ... Helping Carnal Teens With QUIET TIMES 1 Quiz him on his knowledge of the Bible. Explain that the Bible is the inexhaustible treasure of God's wisdom. It is divinely inspired and without error. Make sure you know the books of the Bible by memory. If a teen thinks he knows the Bible, try him out on a Bible IQ test. Say, "I will name seven well-known events in the Bible. If you name the book in which it is found, you earn ten points; if you name the chapter, you earn twenty points. Here are the events: 1. Jonah and the whale (Jonah 1 or 2) 2. Noah and the ark (Genesis 7, 8, 9) 3. Samson and Delilah (Judges 14-16) 4. Stephen being stoned (Acts 7) 5. Daniel in the lion's den (Daniel 6) 6. The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20 or Deuteronomy 5) 7. David and Goliath (I Kings 17) Here are the scores (based on former IQ standards): 135 + = Genius 75-89 = EMH (Educationally/Mentally Handicapped) 125-134 = Excellent 50-74 = Moron 115-124 =Above average 25-49 = Idiot 105-114 =Average 0-24 = Imbecile 90-104 = Below Average Note: Almost all who take this test are humbled. 2 Understand how to use the Strong's Concordance. Looking up the actual meanings of the Hebrew and Greek words is essential for true Bible study. Show the teenager how to look up key words in a concordance by relating the number after the verse to the dictionaries in the back of the concordance. Further amplification of words can be found in Vine's Expository Dictionary or in a lexicon. 3 Introduce the concept of a Meditation Worksheet. Divide a worksheet into seven columns (using both sides of a page). The first column is for drawings that depict the verse, such as a stick figure bowing before his parents to illustrate, "Honour thy father and thy mother . .. " (Exodus 20:12). In the second column, write out the passage. In the third column, think of questions about the verse and the words, such as "What does honor involve?" In the fourth column, write out the meanings of the words, keeping in mind the questions you have asked. Use the fifth column for cross-references, the sixth column for a paraphrase, and the seventh column for personal application. 4 Explain how to do a Wisdom Search. Read the Psalms and Proverbs that correspond to the day of the month. For example, on the tenth day, read Psalm 10 and every thirtieth chapter thereafter (40, 70, 100, 130). Then 14 read Proverbs 10. Before reading, state the questions, decisions, or problems you have for that day, and look for principles that relate. Have each person tell which verse stood out and why. 5 Teach him how to pray. Jesus asked His sleepy disciples, "... What, could ye not watch with me one hour?" (Matthew 26:40). Fervent prayer requires disciplines which bring tremendous spiritual growth. To pray for one hour, spend five minutes on each of the following: 1. Praise (using the names of God); 2. Waiting (in worshipful silence-write down thoughts that come to mind); 3. Confession (of sins God brings to your mind); 4. Reading the Word; 5. Intercession (for leaders, family, and friends); 6. Petition (for daily needs); 7. Praying the Word (personalizing it back to God); 8. Thanksgiving; 9. Singing; 10. Memorization and meditation; 11. Listening (for God's direction); 12. End with praise. Memorize prayers in the Bible and learn types of prayer, such as regaining ground and praying a hedge of thorns and a wall of protection. Read George Mueller's book, Answers to Prayer. Memorize verses on prayer and get other books and materials on prayer 6 Talk about verses that have personal application. God will direct our path through the light of rhemas. A rhema is a verse of Scripture that stands out with special meaning. Man shall not live by bread alone but by every "rhema" that proceeds out of His mouth. Through the shield of faith and the Sword of the Spirit-which is the Word (rhema) of God-we can quench every fiery dart of the evil one. Keep a journal of rhemas. 7 Instill a love for Scripture by outlining Psalm 119. This Psalm exalts the various aspects of the Word of God. List verses under categories of precepts, statutes, commandments, judgments, testimonies, word, and law. Then make two columns. On one column write out what God expects us to do; on the other column write out what God promises to do. Usually we try to do what God said He will do and fail to do what we are supposed to do. 8 Make sure he has his own Bible (King James Version). Having a good reference Bible with study notes is essential. Learn how we got our English Bible, and understand the controversy over newer translations. Realize, for example, that the New International Version (NIV) is not a word-for-word translation but is a thought translation. 9 Enter insights and applications in a life journal. By writing out the insights that we gain from Scripture, we clarify our thoughts. One well-known author said, "You do not know what you are thinking until you write it down." Keeping a recor1 of Biblical insights will be a valuable ''book of remembrances" that you can return to for the rest of your life and discover deeper understanding and applications. 10 Schedule a consistent time and establish a place for quiet times. The disciples had a set time and place for prayer each day (the Temple). Jesus instructed us to enter into our closet for prayer. Without a definite time and place, prayer usually gets pushed out of the schedule. 15 , be filled out by the teen How often do you wash your hands before eating? Never 1 1 I 1 I I I I I I I Every time 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 9 10 How often do you shine your shoes? Never I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 I Frequently How often do you take a shower or a bath? Rarely I I I I I I I I I I Daily 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How regularly do you brush your teeth? Rarely I I I I I I I I I I After each time I eat 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How much authority have you given your parents over your dress? None I I I I I I I I I I Complete 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How influenced are you by fads and fashion trends? Controlled I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 I I I Unaffected 8 9 10 How often do you prepare your clothes the night before for the next day? Never I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Always 10 How much do you know about the growth of bacteria? Nothing I I I I I I I I I I Well informed 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How skilled are you in proper etiquette and table manners? Awkward I I 1 2 I Polished 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How capable are you at doing your own laundry? Inexperienced I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 I Experienced 8 9 10 Total points (out of 100): _ __ 16 Daily Task Number Four: Have an Untidy Teen ''SCRUB HARDER'' Start with the fact that cleanliness is a part of Godliness. Commit to loving the teen whether he washes or not. Remember that inward character is the primary goal. Understand why he neglects good grooming. Be an example (brush teeth, comb hair, shine shoes). Have an agreement to help each other in better grooming. Arrange the night befor~ which clothes to wear the next day. Remind him that "defects" are marks of ownership. Describe the effects of bacteria, parasites, and odors. Explain the messages of hairstyles and dress fads. Reinforce all progress with sincere praise. 17 Guidelines in ... Having an Untidy Teen ''SCRUB HARDER'' 1 Start with the fact that cleanliness is a part of Godliness. Read the extensive regulations on cleanliness in Leviticus 11-22. Remind the teen that God has pronounced both a promise for those who keep these laws and a curse upon those who break them. Those who obey these laws will be healthier, wealthier, and wiser than any other nation-"none of the diseases of Egypt" shall be upon them. (See Deuteronomy 7:11-15.) Those who violate the laws will receive the rebuke of the Lord and a curse upon the work of their hands. (See Deuteronomy 28:14-68.) 2 Commit to loving the teen whether he washes or not. God's love is unconditional. He does not wait until we clean ourselves up before He accepts us. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. If a teenager sees you reacting to his outward appearance, he will reject you and your message. Do not stare at his clothing, hairstyle, or outward appearance, but look into his eyes with a warm, loving smile. 3 Remember that inward character is the primary goal. Only as a person is transformed on the inside will the outward "cleanup" be genuine and lasting. Most teenagers will test the genuineness of your faith, hope, and love before they will accept what you are saying to them. The character qualities of patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control that you demonstrate to them will be copied when Christ comes into their lives and you are able to disciple them. 4 Understand why he neglects good grooming. When one teenager was informed that he carried with him a strong odor and was urged to take a bath, he replied, "I like the way I smell and my friends smell the same way. I don't want to be around those who smell pretty but don't accept me the way I am." A teenager who is negligent in hygiene has often received his habits from the iniquities of his forefathers. Evil habits in his own life will only add to the problem. Most people can become accustomed to offensive odors and are not aware of how they offend others. 5 Be an example (brush teeth, comb hair, shine shoes). The best way to influence a teenager to be clean and well groomed is to demonstrate these qualities in your own life. Explain why it is beneficial to you to do things such as brushing your teeth after each time you eat. Dr. Bruce Craswell, a retired dentist in the state of Washington, conducted a study in his own family. His children had soft teeth but were taught to brush after every time they ate. The reason for this is that bacteria begin multiplying on the teeth within twenty minutes after eating anything. This dentist's children are now adults, and not one of them has ever had a cavity. 18 6 Have an agreement to help each other in better grooming. An intimate friend is a person who is committed to your success and who has the freedom to share blind spots with you. "Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend" (Proverbs 27:17). Make sure you are tactful in the way you tell a teenager how to improve his grooming. Rather than saying, "Don't wear that shirt," explain, "You will look better and portray a better message in a different shirt." 7 Arrange the night before clothes that are to be worn the following day. It is always helpful to select before going to bed which clothes you are going to wear the next day. This gives you an opportunity to take care of any needed washing, ironing, or mending. Drastic weather changes would be a variable factor in the choice of clothes for the next day. However, it is still wise to plan ahead whenever possible. 8 Remind him that "defects" are marks of ownership. Most teenagers do not accept the unchangeable physical features which God designed to build character qualities in their lives. They are self-conscious about any "defects" and often go to awkward measures to cover them up. Find out what physical features a teenager would like to change and show him how to use them as "marks of ownership" and motivations to build Godly character. Paul said, "... I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus" (Galatians 6:17). The word marks in Greek is the word stigma and means "a mark of ownership." 9 Describe the damaging effects of bacteria, parasites, and odors. Bacteria are one-celled organisms that are too small for the eye to see. When magnified a thousand times, a bacterium is no larger than a pencil point. Disease-producing bacteria can divide and multiply every half hour. In the course of a single day this can produce over sixteen million bacteria. In forty-eight hours there will be hundreds of billions. Bacteria thrive in filth and are usually not noticed until the damage is done. 10 Explain the messages of hairstyles and dress fads. God instructed the men of Israel not to trim their beards or shave the corners of their beards. This was because that is what the heathen did, and the Israelites would then be identifying with the message of the heathen. (See Leviticus 19:27.) According to Scripture, when a man wears an earring, he is indicating that he is the willing slave of another man. (See Exodus 21:6.) It is consistent with this that an earring in a man's ear today is often a sign of sodomy, which God calls confusion and disgrace. Long hair on a girl is her glory, but on a man it is a shame. (See I Corinthians 11:14--15.) Wearing clothes that pertain to the opposite sex is an abomination to God. (See Deuteronomy 22:5.) 11 Reinforce all progress with sincere praise. A teenager will tend to dress for the one who praises him. He thrives on such praise. Whenever you see attempts to carry out good grooming, acknowledge it with genuine praise. True praise calls attention to character qualities such as neatness, discipline, diligence, and patience, and tells how the demonstration of these qualities encourages you in your walk with the Lord. 19 To be filled out by teen How often do you hear your conscience "talking to you"? Never I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Several times a day 10 How often do you stand up when an elder comes into a room? Never I I I I I I I I I I Every time 12345678910 How much eye contact do you give those who talk to you? None I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Fully adequate 10 How long can you sit and listen without restlessness? A few minutes I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Several hours 10 How often do you take notes during a sermon? Rarely I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Always 10 How hard is it for you to concentrate during a talk? Extremely difficult I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Easy 10 What posture do you normally have while sitting in a meeting? Slouched down I I 1 2345 I I I I I I I 678 I Leaning forward 910 Where do you sit when you come into a meeting? Back row I I I I I 12345 I I I 678 I I Front row 910 How often do you nod and smile at the speaker? Never I 1 I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 I Every appropriate opportunity 9 10 How often do you think on what others say before responding? Rarely I I I I I I I I I I Always 12345678910 Total points (out of 100):_ __ 20 Daily Task Number Five: Guide a Restless Teen to BE ATTENTIVE Bow in prayer to prepare your heart to learn wisdom. Encourage speakers by sitting near the front and smiling. Attack inattentiveness as a spiritual problem. Trace restlessness to causes. Teach the Attentiveness Booklet and memorize definitions. Explain signs of inattention. Notice causes of distraction and remove all you can. Tum attentiveness training into a challenging course. Jnitiate discussions about the points made in a meeting. ½sualize success by listening to God and others. £ am his respect by being attentive to him. 21 Guidelines in ... Leading a Restless Teen to BE ATTENTIVE 1 Bow in prayer to prepare your heart to learn wisdom. It is wise to begin each day by asking God for wisdom and understanding. It is also wise to bow your head in prayer before a meeting starts and ask God to give the speaker a special message for you and to give you spiritual ears to hear it. God will hear your prayer. He will also motivate others to be attentive to His voice as they see your actions. 2 Encourage speakers by sitting near the front and smiling. You have no idea how encouraging it is to speakers when people fill up the front rows and respond with nods and smiles to what is said. If you are not able to agree with or understand what a speaker is saying, your nod without a smile communicates, "I hear what you are saying, but I cannot affirm it." If a speaker says something you know is wrong, your lack of a smile and a nod will give that message to him. When he again says something that is right, your nod and smile should return. 3 Attack inattentiveness as a spiritual problem. The work of Satan is to snatch away or "crowd out" the good seed of God's Word. He will use distractions of any kind to hinder a teenager from listening to truth that will transform his life. Read about the four types of soil in Matthew 13:3-17. Ask the teenager which type of soil would represent his heart right now. Always pray a hedge of protection around the teenager before you speak the truth to him. "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places" (Ephesians 6:12). 4 Trace restlessness to causes such as drugs, anger, lust, and guilt. Inattentiveness is a symptom of deeper problems. The teen may not be able to concentrate because he is under the influence of drugs. Those addicted to drugs acknowledge that it is very difficult for them to keep their thoughts focused on what is being said. All too often, they are experiencing the following: LJ Nervousness C Irrational fear lJ Urge to fight ,- □ Questions about life □ Sudden anger ~ c__J Confusion lJ Mood swings □ Edginess at night J Hallucinations C r - Sleeplessness □ Lethargy c__J Desire to flee C Forgetfulness [1 Depression n Weird pictures 5 Teach the Attentiveness Booklet and memorize definitions. Study How to Develop Attentiveness together and search for ways to improve the areas which need work according to the "Character Inventory" on page 20 of this booklet. Committing to memory the precise definition of attentiveness is an effective way to keep these goals foremost in the teen's mind. 22 6 Explain signs of inattention. Point out to the teenager that symptoms of inattentiveness are not only distracting to the speaker but can also be contagious to others who are trying to listen. Yawning, passing notes, giggling, whispering, sleeping, squirming, and looking at one's watch are all evidences of inattentiveness. Sometimes these distracting gestures are "blind spots" which the teenager is not aware of. Ask him if he would like to learn the quality of attentiveness, and then have evaluation sessions after meetings and conversations. 7 Notice causes of distraction and remove all you can. Often, those in charge of a meeting are not able to deal with the distractions that are taking place in the audience. Therefore, it would be appropriate for you to take the initiative to remove all the ones you can. If a baby is continually crying in a meeting, realize that many mothers have learned to tolerate the voice of their own child. They need someone to gently and tactfully suggest that they take the baby out. If a teenager continues to distract a meeting, look him in the eye, give him a smile, and put your finger up to your lips. If this does not work, sit down next to him, and in a loving whisper say, "Let's listen to what this speaker is saying." If he is still inattentive, ask him to go outside the meeting with you. Then begin talking with him about himself, his family, and his goals. 8 Turn attentiveness training into a challenging course. Using How to Develop Attentiveness as a guide, explain how listening to other people is basic to all future relationships. Agree to use every conversation and meeting as an opportunity to demonstrate attentiveness. Have periodic evaluations to discuss your observations. Challenge a teen to design his own course on attentiveness using the Scriptures and the Character Booklet on attentiveness as resources. 9 Initiate discussions about the points made in a meeting. After a meeting or conversation, ask the teen what he thought about specific points made by the speaker. What ideas had special significance to him? How did God use the message in his life? Be sure also to tell him how the message was important to you. 10 Visualize success by listening to God and others. Jesus continually visualized achievement for His disciples. He told Peter and Andrew, "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men" (Matthew 4:19b). To the rich young ruler He lovingly said, " ... Give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven ... " (Mark 10:21). Picture Godly achievement for a teen by translating his needs into Biblical projects. 11 Earn his respect by being attentive to him. The most effective way to teach a teenager how to be attentive is to be fully attentive to him when he is talking to you. Set aside anything else you were doing. Lean forward and listen to every word he speaks. Maintain good eye contact without staring at him. Look down and think about what he is saying whenever you are not looking directly at him. Nod and smile when he speaks things that you know to be right, wholesome, and true. If he says something that you believe is false, stop nodding but continue to listen to him. By listening attentively, you communicate the message that he is important to you, that you value him as a friend, and that you respect his ideas. 23 To be filled out by the teen How much do you know about the five types offools? Unlearned I I I I 1 2 3 4 I 5 6 7 I I 8 9 I Knowledgeable 10 How well do your parents like your friends? Dislike them I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Recommend them 10 How would you rate the Godliness of your close friends? Ungodly I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Very Godly 10 How often do your friends' and parents' counsel conflict? Always I I I I I I I I I I Never 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How involved are your friends with evil habits? Bound I I I I I I I I I I Free 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How wise are your friends in using their free time? Foolish I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Very wise 10 How obedient are your friends to their parents? Disobedient I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Very obedient 10 How familiar are you with heroes of the faith? Not familiar I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 I I I Very familiar 8 9 10 How often do you and your friends talk about spiritual things? Never I 1 I Frequently 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How often do your friends express anger? Frequently I I I 1 2 3 I 4 5 6 7 I I I Never 8 9 10 Total points (out of 100):_ __ 24 Daily Task Number Six: Divert a Dependent Teen to WISE FRIENDS Win his confidence with sincerity and genuine love. Instruct him in God's descriptions of five types of fools. Search out strongh~lds and replace them with truth. Evaluate each friend's relationship with God and authorities. find answers to his questions and be honest with him. Reaffirm how friends determine one's morals and goals. Introduce him to the lives of great men and women of faith. Explain the need for moral purity and courtship. Never react to his verbal abuse, anger, or rejection. Deliver on any promises made. Make only wise promises. Separate from wrong friends, music, activities, etc. 25 Guidelines in ... Diverting a Dependent Teen to WISE FRIENDS 1 Win his confidence with sincerity and genuine love. When one teenager was asked what he thought about a youth director who had been placed over him, he said, "I'm sure he loves me the way he loves everyone else, but I need someone to love me as an individual. He doesn't know my needs, so he treats me like one of the group." Teenagers are very responsive to sincerity and very reactionary to insincerity. They evaluate sincerity and genuine love in the same way God does-by personal sacrifices to meet individual needs. A measure of sincerity would be demonstrated by asking the teen to point out any blind spots in your life and by humbly dealing with them when they are identified. 2 Instruct him in God's descriptions of five types of fools. Do a study of fools in Proverbs and of the various Hebrew words behind the English word fool. You will identify five types of fools, which have the following characteristics: 1. THE SIMPLE FOOL-He believes whatever he is told. He learns when the scorning fool is taken away and punished. 2. THE SILLY FOOL-He is out to have a good time. He makes a joke out of sin and needs to be punished by his parents. 3. THE SENSUAL FOOL-He is controlled by lust and is out to gratify his lower nature. He rejects parental authority and must be disciplined by civil authorities. 4. THE SCORNING FOOL-He mocks God's standards and ridicules those who follow them. He leads others to do evil and get punished, while he stays just within the law. He needs to be exposed as a scorner and expelled from the group. 5. THE COMMITTED FOOL-He is dedicated to evil and is committed to convincing others to agree with his ways. He must be publicly exposed and avoided. After this study, ask the teen which characteristics he sees in himself. 3 Search out strongholds and replace them with truth. Draw the diagram explaining how we give ground in our souls to Satan by going to bed angry, by acts of covetousness, and by immorality. (See Effective Counseling Course Booklets 1 and 2.) Guide the teen to identify areas in his soul that have been surrendered to Satan and the false ideas and tormentors which have resulted. Deal with each stronghold separately on the basis of I John 1:9 and II Corinthians 10:4-5. 4 Evaluate each friend's relationship with God and authorities. Ask the teen to tell you why he likes his friends and what qualities they have that he wants to imitate. Be a wise listener. In the course of the conversation, discuss the questions on the inventory quiz that relate to his friends and his parents and other authorities. Point out the verse, "Only by pride cometh contention ... " (Proverbs 13:10). Explain the following definition of pride: reserving for myself the right to make final decisions. 26 5 Find answers to his questions and be honest with him. Some of the richest teaching Jesus gave was not in prepared sermons but in answering questions such as Nicodemus' inquiry, which brought out the teaching on how to be born again. Remember, though, that there are three types of questions: 1. FOOLISH QUESTIONS-These have no answer and produce mocking, such as, "If God is so powerful, can He create an object too heavy for Him to move?" 2. UNLEARNED QUESTIONS-These have answers, but we cannot fully comprehend them. An example is the following: "Why did God allow evil to come into the world?" 3. LEARNED QUESTIONS-These have answers which we should search out and apply to our lives. Foolish and unlearned questions we should avoid. (See II Timothy 2:23.) 6 Reaffirm how friends determine one's morals and goals. Memorize these verses together and discuss their meaning: "Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go" (Proverbs 22:24). "He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion offools shall be destroyed" (Proverbs 13:20). 7 Introduce him to the lives of great men and women of faith. One way to walk with the wise is to read the biographies of such heroes of the faith as Hudson Taylor, George Mueller, Adoniram Judson, John Wesley, Susanna Wesley, Fanny Crosby, John Knox, David Brainerd, George Whitefield, Charles Finney, and others. 8 Explain the need for moral purity and courtship. Read the accounts of Samson and Delilah and David and Bathsheba. Discuss how these accounts confirm the warning" ... be sure your sin will find you out" (Numbers 32:23). Then study the first seven chapters of Proverbs and list the warnings to young people about the devastating consequences of immorality. Explain the importance of courting rather than dating. 9 Never react to his verbal abuse, anger, or rejection. Teens who react to authority justify their reaction when their authorities become angry or irritated. Remember that you are not wrestling against "... flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world . .. " (Ephesians 6:12). Ask God to rebuke the principalities over this person in the Name and through the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ; then show genuine love in the face of reaction. 10 Deliver on any promises made. Make only wise promises. Young people have an amazing memory when it comes to promises that were made to them. They will hold you to those promises and be disillusioned if they are not fulfilled. Periodically ask if you have not yet followed through on any previous promises. 11 Separate from or reject wrong friends, music, activities, and clothes. The only way to gain a hearing with young people is to remove them from all the sources that are contributing to their wrong thinking and actions. Follow Acts 19:19-20. 27 To be filled out by the teen How often do you listen to melodious music before bedtime? Rarely I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 I Always 10 How often do you go to bed by 9:30 P.M.? Rarely I I 1 2 3 I I I I I I I Always 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How often do you have to be t.old to go to bed? Always I I I I I I I I Never 12345678910 How often do you read Scripture before going to bed? Always I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 6 6 7 8 9 I Rarely 10 How often do you experience temptations when you go to bed? Always I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 6 6 7 8 9 I Rarely 10 How often do you have difficulty going to sleep at night? Always I I 1 2 3 4 5 I I I I I Never 6 7 8 9 10 How often do you put yourself to sleep meditating on Scripture? Never I I I I I I I I I I Nightly 12345678910 How often do you go to bed angry? Always I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 I Never 9 10 How often do you have unpleasant dreams? Always I 1 I 2 3 4 5 6 7 I Never 8 9 10 How often do you have paralyzing fear at night? Nightly I I I I I I I I I 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Never 10 Total points (out of 100):_ __ 28 Daily Task Number Seven: Get a Hyper Teen to Bed Early Make a restful atmosphere with devotional music. Explain the rewards of meditation on Scripture. Discuss the causes of dreams and distracted sleep. Identify Scripture that can be meditated on at night. Teach him how to talk to God with Scriptu~e. Anticipate and remove hindrances to going to bed. Turn the lights out after you have had a time of prayer. Establish occasional "night watches" for meditation. Never go to bed angry. Maintain a good conscience. Organize a study on God's design for day and night. Wake up in the morning with Scripture on your mind. 29 Guidelines in ... Getting a Hyper Teen to Bed Early 1 Make a restful atmosphere before going to bed. Melodious and devotional music in the evening is a marvelous way to prepare for sleep. Such music soothes the spirit and removes the pressure of the day. Music before sleep is also excellent preparation for the experience spoken by Job: " ... God my maker, who giveth songs in the night" (Job 35:10). A result of being filled with the Spirit is " ... singing and making melody in [our] hearts to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:19). 2 Explain the rewards of meditation on Scripture. God promises that if we meditate on His Word day and night, we will experience inward fulfillment. Memorize Psalm 63:5-6: "My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips: When I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches." Memorize also Joshua 1:8, Psalm 1, and I Timothy 4:15. 3 Discuss the causes of dreams and distracted sleep. Dreams are significant in the Bible in the lives of such men and women as Jacob, Joseph, Daniel, Nebuchadnezzar, Pilate's wife, Peter, and others. Explain four causes of dreams: 1. PHYSICAL CAUSES-If the room is cold, a person may dream he is in a snowstorm. If there are voices or road noises he may dream about being in a city. 2. FEAR AND WORRY-Dreams of being chased by one who will harm you or dreams of failure in assigned tasks are caused by fear and worry. "For a dream cometh through the multitude of business ... " (Ecclesiastes 5:3). 3. UNFULFILLED DESIRES-This would include such dreams as flying by yourself over people, receiving public recognition, or accomplishing spectacular feats. Sensual dreams would fall under this category. 4. FUTURE PREMONITION-Occasionally, a person will dream about an event he will experience or a place he will go in the near future. 4 Identify Scripture that can be meditated on at night. Before turning out the light, it is important to have a passage of Scripture on which you can meditate. As soon as you turn the lights out, begin to quote that Scripture to the Lord as a personal prayer. Some good passages to begin with are Psalm 1, James 1, Psalm 23, Romans 6, and Psalm 19:7-11. 5 Teach him how to talk to God with Scripture. As you meditate on a passage, picture in your mind that you are quoting it to the Lord. Each time you quote it, emphasize a different word and picture the action of that word. Let the Scripture be an expression of your mind, will, and emotions. Continue this process until the passage is thoroughly engrafted in your soul and memorize James 1:21. 30 6 Anticipate and remove hindrances to going to bed. Some of the hindrances to getting to bed are other people, distracting noises, a heavy meal, involvement in an interesting book, an unfinished responsibility, and telephone calls. Discuss solutions for each of these hindrances, such as an answering machine for phone calls, better planning to get work done, and self-discipline for ending projects on time. 7 Turn the lights out after you have had a time of prayer. Explain to the teen that our day begins in the evening-rather than in the morning. "And the evening and the morning were the first day"(Genesis 1:5). The last thoughts you have at night will be on your subconscious mind all through the night and will set your attitude for the next day. Thus, it is important to precede sleep with Scripture and prayer. David demonstrates this in Psalms 4 and 5. After getting into bed, he prays, "My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, 0 Lord; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up" (Psalm 5:3). 8 Establish occasional "night watches" for meditation. David testified that he woke up before the night watches because he looked forward to . meditating on God's Word. Explain to the teenager that in David's time, shepherds were required to get up in the middle of the night to guard the sheep. Suggest having a night watch. Set the alarm for 3 A.M. so you can get up and meditate on the Scriptures for a half hour. Then go back to bed to finish out the night of sleep. 9 Never go to bed angry. Maintain a clear conscience. The instruction of Ephesians 4:26 is very clear: "... Let not the sun go down upon your wrath." Explain that when this instruction is violated, Satan gains jurisdiction over various areas of our souls and then sends tormentors into our lives. One tormentor could well be insomnia. Others can be fear, depression, and anxiety. 10 Organize a study of God's design for day and night. God's first creative act was to divide the light from the darkness and to name the light day and the darkness night. "And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night" (Genesis 1:5). God designed the day for work and the night for sleep. Jesus said, "I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work" (John 9:4). Men with evil intent usually come out after dark-as with the men of Sodom and Gomorrah. 11 Wake up in the morning with Scripture on your mind. If we go to sleep meditating on God's Word, and if we have a song in our hearts through the night, we will be far more prone to wake up in the morning with thoughts of Scripture. Encourage the teenager to write out a passage of Scripture and carry it with him throughout the day so he can use all his spare minutes to memorize it. He will then be prepared to meditate on it day and night and experience the good success God promises to all believers who do this. 31 • ill/ 1 Do you get up early in the morning? 2 Do you get out of bed when you wake up? 3 Are you an "energy-giver" when you get up? yes □ no [J yes □ no □ yes □ no □ 4 Do you decide the night before what to wear the next day? 5 Do you consistently honor a day of rest? 6 Do you make your bed as soon as you get up? yes □ no □ yes □ no □ yes □ no □ Do you have everything in its rightful place? yes □ no □ Do you keep your room neat? Are you consistent in daily Bible reading? yes C no □ yes □ no D Do you have a regular prayer time? yes [J no D yes □ no □ yes □ no □ yes □ no~ yes Ll no C yes □ no □ yes LJ no □ yes □ no □ yes □ non yes 0 no □ yes □ no [_J 7 8 9 10 11 Do you regularly memorize Scripture? 12 Do you always wash your hands before meals? 13 Do you practice proper etiquette? 14 Do you sit near the front during a meeting? 15 Do you stand up for your elders? 16 Do you take notes during messages? 17 Do you know how to detect five types offools? 18 Do your parents approve of all your friends? 19 Do you fulfill all the promises you make? 20 Do you put yourself to sleep with meditation on Scripture? 11ii i~i!1lli l I1l1Iii ~f1t P01008 32