Effective Counseling Part 5 PDF

1\huaucrh Wraiuiug ]ustitutr lJut.emattnual A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN 'Effective Counse{ing PART FIVE A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN EFFECTIVE COUNSELING PART FIVE 1 How Attitudes Are Transformed With This Question .... 1 D Why Did God Let Me Have a Difficult Roommate? ............ 3 D Why Does Go...

1\huaucrh Wraiuiug ]ustitutr lJut.emattnual A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN 'Effective Counse{ing PART FIVE A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN EFFECTIVE COUNSELING PART FIVE 1 How Attitudes Are Transformed With This Question .... 1 D Why Did God Let Me Have a Difficult Roommate? ............ 3 D Why Does God Allow My Stepfather to Show Favoritism? .... 4 2 Why Answering This Question Brings Freedom .......... 6 3 Further Answers on "Why Did God Let It Happen?" ..... 7 D Why Did God Allow Me to Have a Handicapped Father? ..... 7 D Why Did God Place Me in a Non-Christian Home? ............ 9 □ Why Did God Let Me Lose My Job? .......................... 11 D Why Did God Allow My Parents to Be So Strict? ............. 15 D Why Does God Allow Unfair Punishment? ................... 17 D Why Does God Allow Wicked People to Prosper? ............ 19 □ Why Did God Allow Me to Be Lonely? ....................... 21 □ Why Did God Let Me Be Born With a Defect? ................ 22 4 How to Assist Others to Answer This Question .......... 24 5 Prerequisites to Be Able to Answer ......................... 25 6 Further Applications of This Question ..................... 26 7 Ten Ways to Test Your Obedience ........................... 27 HOW WRONG A1TITUDES ARE TRANSFORMED BY UNDERSTANDING "WHY GOD LET IT HAPPEN" The immediate results that come from asking and answering the question, "Why did God let it happen?" are nothing short of phenomenal. Knowing how and when to use this question is a skill that needs to be developed by each one of us. Consider the following case studies: 1 A Teenager Who Was Angry With ~er Roommate A thirteen-year-old juvenile delinquent was placed in our custody by the court. We assigned her to a roommate who was a dedicated young lady desirous of helping her resolve her conflicts. One day, the delinquent angrily said to a staff worker, "I can't stand my roommate!" The delinquent then watched the staff worker to see what response would be given to her angry outburst. Here are the possible responses that could have been given and their probable results: Our Possible Responses Teen's Probable Response D 1. "You should not feel that way. D Greater anger and a feeling Your roommate is a nice person." D 2. "Why don't you like your roommate?" D 3. "We'll see about changing your roommate." D 4. "You will learn to like her." that we don't understand her D An evil report mixed with halftruths and misunderstandings which could not be verified because the roommate was not present to defend herself D Disappointment by the roommate who will feel betrayed and sad if the delinquent gets her own way D Frustration because the reasons that caused the anger were not addressed D 5. "Why did God let you have a roommate that you cannot get along with?" D She will suddenly be confronted with the need to see her situation from God's perspective rather than from her own point of view. 1 The Actual Result of Asking This Question When the thirteen-year-old delinquent heard this question, she was startled. The anger in her face began to fade away. She did not say anything at first but was deep in thought. At this point, we suggested an assignment to her based on the instruction of Colossians 4:6, "Let your speech be alway with grace [grace is giving her the desire and power to do God's will cheerfully], seasoned with salt [salt creates thirst in the same way that curiosity creates a desire to hear what is to be said] .... " D 11 How would you like to work on a project that will give you a whole new outlook on your present situation?" With cautious interest she asked, "What is the project?" D Make a list of at least fifteen benefits that God intended for you 11 by giving you a roommate that you cannot get along with." She was thoughtful. We anticipated her feeling inadequate to develop a list by herself. D Here is another staff member who will help you think through benefits. 11 See how many you can discover in the next hour." The staff assistant was able to help this delinquent because she had worked out the same exercise with situations in her own life. She knew what questions to ask in order to prompt the delinquent to rethink her experience from God's point of view. Some of the questions that the staff member asked required explanation of Scriptural concepts. These explanations provided a marvelous opportunity for teaching God's way of life. □ 11 Are situations with your roommate giving you opportunities to humble yourself?" (yes) 11 D0 you realize how beneficial it is to humble yourself?" 11 By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches, and honour, and life." D What other character qualities does God want to build in your life through 11 the conflicts that you are experiencing with your roommate?" D What benefits might God want to give your roommate and others through 11 what you learn from this experience?" An hour later, she returned with the staff member. She had a smile on her face. Her attitude was totally transformed as she handed in the paper with her list of benefits. The paper was read with joy and excitement, and then the delinquent was asked if she still wanted a new roommate. Her immediate respo:i;ise was, "Oh, no! I want to learn these benefits from this experience!" The Response of the Angry Thirteen-Year-Old Wfw p/Jid Ood~vl!k ~ 0/ ~ UJ!uJ,nff(5wuw1; Da~ Wilk~ 1 It has motivated me to respond correctly when I am upset by others. 2 It has uncovered rights which I have not yet yielded to God. 3 It has forced me to learn more about the commandment to love my neighbor as myself. 4 It has given me the opportunity to praise her to others. 5 It has helped me to learn how to relate to others. 6 It has taught me to cooperate with others in difficult situations. 7 It has motivated me to pray more often. 8 It has made me tum to God for a friend. 9 It has drawn me closer to my family. 10 It makes me glad there are people with whom it is easier to get along. 11 It has shown me ways not to irritate others. 12 It has caused spiritual growth in me. 13 It gives me a perspective of Eternity-when everyone will be perfect. 14 It has taught me to be more gentle. 15 It has motivated me to think about the needs of others. 3 2 A Teenager Who Wanted to Run Away Another thirteen-year-old girl was very bitter toward her stepfather. She believed that he showed favoritism toward others in the family. He also displayed anger toward her on many occasions, which hurt her very deeply. One day, she decided to run away to her birth father; or if that failed, she would take her own life. She was then counseled to write as many reasons as she could on why God would allow her to be in a family with a stepfather who showed favoritism to others. On her own, she wrote out twenty-one reasons why God allowed this to happen. This project transformed her attitudes. A week later, she was invited to read and explain each of the points to a large group. In the group was her stepfather. Tears came to his eyes as he saw his stepdaughter responding to family pressures from God's point of view. Wfw PZJoe& j}otf~uffy t f ~ ~ J~ W:-aooritisrn ~ ~ p 1 To teach me to lean on God's unconditional love 2 To teach me humility by serving those who reject me 3 To teach me meekness by realizing that what I "unjustly" receive from others will always be less than the punishment I deserve 4 To help me build true sincerity in my life by looking to God for praise 5 To help me give forgiveness and love to those who reject me, in the same way Jesus loved those who rejected Him (He did not get bitter) 6 To help me begin investing my life in that which brings eternal rewards 7 To help me learn true security by structuring my life around things which will not change or be taken away from me 8 To cause me to evaluate needs and weaknesses in my character 9 To allow the Lord to become a "Father to the fatherless" in meeting emotional, spiritual, or physical needs in my life 10 To help me rejoice in all circumstances and to praise the Lord 11 To make me alert to the emotional needs of others 12 To help me realize the difference between rights and expectations 4 13 To help me understand more fully the sacrifice that Jesus made for me on the cross when I rejected Him 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 To help me experience more of God's sufficient grace To prepare me for leadership in God's Kingdom through suffering To remind me to pray for my father and other authorities To test my motives and attitudes as I obey my authorities To motivate me to cry out to God To demonstrate God's desire for me to draw closer to Him To bring me new insights from Scripture To give me an opportunity to "return good for evil" by investing in the lives of my father and siblings HOW TRAGEDY WAS TURNED INTO TRIUMPH BY ASKING WHY GOD LET IT HAPPEN A pastor and his family began making preparations to have a ministry with the people of Russia. They were invited to a nearby church to explain their proposed work. After the service, they went out to the parking lot to return home. As the three-year-old son walked toward the car, another car came around the corner, knocked him down, and ran over his head. A short time later he died. The family was stunned and grief stricken. The father said, "I know all the right words to comfort others, but I need to hear something different." The oldest son stated, "We have learned not to ask why, but to simply trust that the Lord's ways are best." We assured him that it is always good to trust the Lord, but we do have the freedom to ask, "Why?" As we asked the Lord, "Why?" we immediately remembered that the Russian people respond to tragedies. It is in their history, music, art, and literature. We have seen how much more open they are to those who have proven the value of their faith through tragedy. When we explained to this pastor that God was giving him his "credentials" to tell the Russian people with a new depth of understanding how God gave His Son for their redemption, he was immediately filled with a new peace and confidence in the midst of his sorrow. This benefit became a great comfort during the funeral an1 gave the pastor his "bearings" for further steps of action. 5 WHY DOES ANSWERING THIS QUESTION BRING NEW FREEDOM? Due to the many areas of "ground" that we have given over to Satan because of past sins, he has been able to build false conclusions in our minds, from which we make wrong decisions. These false conclusions grow out of a negative outlook on God, life, circumstances, and people. When we confess the root sins that gave Satan this "ground," we are then free to ask God to regain the "ground" and thus restore our souls. Once this is done, we have the authority to go into the former jurisdictions of Satan in our souls and "tear down" the false ideas that held our minds, wills, and emotions from right responses. By asking why God let it happen, we effectively accomplish this goal. This procedure is explained in II Corinthians 10:4-5 as " ... the weapons of our warfare . .. [which are] mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds . ... " Once we begin thinking God's thoughts after Him, He is free to remove the tormentors of discouragement, fear, doubt, etc., and allow us to walk in the freedom of His love, peace, and joy. How Answering This Question Brought Freedom A number of unusual misfortunes happened to the brothers of Joseph. First, they experienced a severe famine. When there was no relief in sight, their father sent them to Egypt in order to buy grain so they would not starve to death. Through an unexpected series of events, they found themselves in prison. Finally, they asked themselves, "Why has God let all these things happen to us?" One of the brothers gave the right answer, "These events happened to us because years ago we sold our brother into slavery." Unbeknownst to them, their brother Joseph was listening to their conversation. When he heard them answer the question correctly and sensed their repentant spirits, he then revealed himself to them, freed them from prison, and sent them on their way with many gifts and a message of joy. Bibll!ArtSe.-Je.,StandardPubl~hhlg.Clndnnati 6 FURTHERANSWERSWHICHEXPLAIN "WHY GOD LET IT HAPPEN" Several of the following answers were written by those participating in the Counseling Course who studied Counseling Booklet 3 and fulfilled the assignment of writing out a personal experience on "Why did God let it happen?" Wfw qJ«t Pod~Jl':k fff ~ a ~A,fl~~ Pft~p "Like most young people, I found fault with my parents and rejected God's design for my family. One serious problem was the fact that my father was an amputee. He had lost one leg while serving in the Navy in World War II. As a child, I sometimes envied other children whose fathers were not handicapped like mine. By thinking through the answer to this question, I have not only accepted this as God's special design for our family but have often thanked Him for the unexpected benefits it brought in my life: 1 To teach me to be thankful for a healthy body "God allowed me to be born with a healthy body that I can use for His Kingdom and for His glory. 2 To teach me not to be afraid of those with handicaps "Many people are fearful of those who are handicapped in some way. Those who are raised in homes such as ours where they can see people overcoming these difficulties daily have fewer fears about being handicapped and are more at ease with those who have handicaps. I have been able not only to be at ease with people but also to comfort others as well. My ministry has been more effective because of my father's condition. 3 To teach me to appreciate my country and those in the military "My father and mother often shared with us that we live in a great nation. Since my father was in the Navy when he lost his leg, my brother and I were motivated to honor others who served our country in the military and we were willing fr. n-r. ""rt ,-t,.... l1l--P"tAr1c::P PVPn 1n thP rHfflrnlt ViPtnam Pra. 7 4 To give me an example of personal sacrifice "One of God's greatest calls is for us to give ourselves totally to the Lord. My father gave of himself for his country, and it cost him a leg. I cannot remember a single time when he complained about his condition or expressed bitterness over it. This has been a powerful motivation for me to give myself totally to the Lord and not to fear the consequences. 5 To give me an example of overcoming physical difficulties "As a child growing up, my father did everything he put his mind to. He played ball with us, took us on walks, and went hunting and fishing with us. Much of the time, we did not think of Dad as being disabled. My friends would usually not even believe me if I told them Dad was missing one leg. This reminds me that 'I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me' (Philippians 4:13). 6 To remind me of the consequences of violating God's Word "Dad would often warn us against dangerous activities and then use his lost leg as an example of what could happen. When we violate God's Word, there are always consequences. They are not all physical. Nevertheless, they are there to warn us that the Lord is watching and that He cares about our eternal souls so much that He is willing to sacrifice our temporary happiness to develop eternal character. 7 To help me grow closer to my father and give me a basis for special, lasting memories "My father used his condition to develop a closeness with us children that remains today. We have memories of Dad chasing us around the house on crutches and how we would help him into the water at the beach. My Dad's weakness (although we never thought of it that way) was something that endeared us to him all the more. 8 To give me an object lesson on being prepared for emergencies "Whenever Dad took us fishing on a boat, he carried a sharp knife in his pocket. He shared with us that he had it in the event that the boat capsized and he would have to cut his artificial leg loose. The leg was heavier than water and would pull him down and drown him if he could not get rid of it soon enough. "It has been a real joy to be able to tell my parents with genuine appreciation how much the Lord did for me through them. I have also been able to counsel teens that the Lord did not make a mistake when he gave them their parents." -A Pastor from Nebraska 8 1tlw {ijj;,d .!JodJlllow,.,;lk to, {51Jl'/ ~ lll/ a,JY'on-C5~ ~ ; J "I came to know the Lord Jesus Christ at the age of 16. One of the first things I realized was that our home was not a Christian home. Mom and Dad did not know the Lord and did not seem to be interested in what had become the most important thing in my life. I wished I had Christian parents, and this became a source of real discontent until I could see God's purpose in allowing me to be raised in a non-Christian home: 1 To motivate me to pray for my parents "One of the first prayer requests I had as a new Christian was for the salvation of my parents. When I would begin to get too busy or preoccupied to pray, I would be reminded of my parents' need for salvation. 2 To help me with witnessing "Many times Christians struggle with sharing their faith. I came home from the meeting where I had been saved and shared the decision I made with my parents right away. Since they did not accept Christ at that time, I had other opportunities to witness to them as I grew. I had to learn many ways to communicate the Gospel message. Though I have taken a few evangelism courses since entering the ministry, I believe I learned more about witnessing by the experiences in my home growing up. 3 To give me a motivation for Godly living "When I would act rebelliously at home, I would often hear my parents say, 'Is that what that church teaches you?' I would usually respond in anger, but my parents had every right to ask the question. I came to understand that the way I lived at home was a reflection to them of the Christian life. If I wanted them to really consider Christianity, I had to be willing to let them see a clear picture of it and not a misleading and distorted substitution. 4 To reveal to me my pride "Because my parents did not know Christ, they did things that unsaved people often did. Instead of being sympathetic and praying all the more for them, I became judgmental. This attitude on my part made it very difficult for them to seriously consider Christianity. Instead of submitting to a righteous and sovereign God, they were being pressured to submit to a proud and rebellious teenager. 9 5 To teach me the importance of being under authority "God gave rne some of the most loving and self-sacrificing parents I have ever seen. However, rny rebellious attitudes often brought strife in our family. I considered this as just part of being persecuted for righteousness' sake. Then one year after I was gone from home, I learned how rny brother had graciously submitted himself to rny parents' unspoken wishes and saw the Lord motivate rny parents not just to permit rny brother to go to a church activity, but to order hirn to go. I saw through this that God was indeed bigger than rny parents, and if I had only allowed Hirn to work His way, perhaps they would have come to Christ sooner. 6 To build in me a hatred for evil "Through some problems in our family, God has shown rne the awful consequences of sin. As a young Christian, I did not need a lot of verses to prove to rne that certain so-called questionable activities were wrong. I had seen their destructive influence in rny own home. Through this, God preserved rne from being tempted in those areas. 7 To guard me against sliding back into the world "Being saved as a teenager and having unsaved parents, I had strong reminders of what life without the Lord was really like. Christianity and following the Lord are rough at times, but rny best days as an unbeliever cannot compare with rny worst experiences as a believer. 8 To teach me to patiently wait for the Lord to fulfill His promises "As a new believer, I had claimed the promise of Acts 16:31 for rny family, '... Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.' My brother came to know the Lord that same year. I prayed for rny parents' salvation for twentysix years. Last year, rny mother accepted Christ as her personal Savior. We are still praying for Dad. 9 To help me to understand how unsaved people think "I once had a non-believer tell rne that the problem he had with Christians is that they are so naive. What he meant was that the Christians he had seen were unaware of the pressures and struggles that he had in his life. This is often true of those who are raised in Christian homes, go to Christian schools, and have only Christian friendships. Christ challenged us to be innocent as doves but wise as serpents. Being raised in a non-Christian home has helped rne understand unsaved people more, which has helped rne in rny present ministry. 10 10 To teach me the importance of Godly character "I have often said that I learned more about Godly character from my unsaved father than from any Christian man I knew as a teen. This reinforced in me the appreciation for living a life that is pleasing to the Lord and honors His Word. 11 To warn me about the sin of comparing my circumstances to others "I became dissatisfied with my parents because I compared them to the parents of other young people in our church. This blinded me to most of the special blessings God had given to me, such as those included in this list. It was not until after I left home that I could finally see how the Lord had prepared just the right home environment for the ministry He had planned for me." -A Pastor from Nebraska Financial pressures often cause tremendous tensions in a marriage and family. This produces in us the tendency to blame people or circumstances or despise the promises of God which affirm that He will provide for all our needs through the riches of Christ. It is therefore essential that we understand why God would allow a man to lose his job. To help him ... 1 To learn to rely on the Lord rather than an employer for income Scripture affirms that it is God "... that giveth thee power to get wealth ... " (Deuteronomy 8:18), not an earthly employer. By God's removing my earthly source of income, He is affirming to me my need to totally depend upon Him. Dependence upon anyone or anything other than God tends to make that source an object of worship. God wants no other gods before Him. 2 To experience the fellowship of receiving "daily bread" rather than monthly paychecks The Lord taught us to pray, "Give us this day our daily bread" (Matthew 6:11), not "give us this month our monthly paycheck." Nevertheless, we tend to desire independence by storing up sufficient reserves so we do not need to live from God's hand to our mouth. God knows that I am closest to Him when I am aware of my daily dependence upon Him. 11 3 To catch up on home repairs My wife has many repairs and projects around the house that she has been waiting a long time for me to complete. Now that I am out of work, I can make it a priority to complete these tasks. Some of these projects will require money which I do not have. However, that will motivate me to learn how to get the best buy. 4 To develop frugality and resourcefulness The absence of monthly paychecks is a great motivation for me to be careful in the way I spend money and to look for ways to be frugal and resourceful. Many services that were paid for as a convenience, such as lawn mowing, car washing, maid service, house painting, and plumbing, can no longer be afforded. These will now give me an opportunity to work with my family in carrying them out. Jobs that require professional skills can be turned into "classrooms" to ask questions of the professionals in order to learn what could be done in maintenance and repair. 5 To spend more time with the children In one well-to-do neighborhood, a father was injured and was unable to work. He began spending time with his son. Soon, all the children in the neighborhood were envious because this boy had something they did not have. He had the time and attention of his father. Several have given testimonies of growing up without much money, but they cherish the memories of outings with their families that cost very little. This is what I can now do with my children. 6 To increase understanding of my wife and her responsibilities When I would leave home in the morning and be gone through the day, I was not able to see the unexpected interruptions and pressures that came upon my wife. By being home from work, I am now able to appreciate the load that she does carry and especially the little hindrances that, if eliminated, would make her job easier. 7 To detect character weaknesses in my life that were lacking on the job' I now have an opportunity to evaluate why I lost the job. Were there character deficiencies that caused my boss to form a negative opinion of me or my value to the company? Having no job gives me an opportunity to concentrate on building character and demonstrating it first of all in my home. 8 To learn humility and accept gifts from others It is much easier for me to give gifts than for me to receive them during this time of need. There is a humility that is required to receive help from others. This 12 humility opens the door for more of God's grace. Receiving gifts establishes an indebtedness that I must pay back in terms of love. 9 To consider the potential of a home industry The possibilities for establishing businesses that will meet practical needs are unlimited. If I have a mind to work and a love for people, I will be able to discover them. I can now concentrate on other projects that could result in immediate income and expand as they prove themselves worthy. One man went to the managers of office buildings and worked out a contract to wash the buildings' windows twice a year. He now has more business than he can handle and is making $80,000 to $100,000 a year. 10 To evaluate the possibility of relocating Losing my job encourages me to determine if I am in the right location. Does God want me to move closer to relatives or to be in an environment that would be better suited to raising my children? 11 To consider whether tithing has been faithfully carried out God promises to open the windows of Heaven and pour out a blessing to those who honor Him with the first fruits of all their increase. However, if proper tithes and offerings are not given, the devourer snatches away resources. If I have failed to tithe, the loss of a job is powerful motivation to start tithing with any new income and to do what I can to make up for past tithes. (See Malachi 3:10-11.) 12 To teach children to look to the Lord By their seeing how insecure "job security" is, my sons and daughters are forced to realize that we cannot put our trust in companies or uncertain riches, but in the living God Who alone is able to meet our needs. 13 To draw the family together in prayer and fasting for specific needs God promises that if we fast and pray secretly, He will reward us openly. With the loss of a job, the family has many new opportunities to bring specific needs to the Lord and to trust Him. Through times of prayer and fasting, a new closeness with the Lord and with each other can be experienced by my family. 14 To be understanding of others who have lost their jobs Only those who go through the loss of a job can fully understand the pressures and anxieties that occur as a result. As God gives me insight and understanding in my situation, I can give comfort to others who have lost their jobs. 13 15 To concentrate on being a spiritual leader in the home The most difficult place to live the Christian life is in my own home. Now I can spend more time carrying out the functions of a spiritual leader, such as reading and memorizing Scripture, asking family members for specific prayer requests, reading biographies of the heroes of the faith to my family, and helping family members study the Scriptures for themselves. 16 To cleanse the home of anything that should not be in it Evil items are so easily brought into the house. Now that I have more time, I can carefully evaluate all the things in my home and remove any that have a destructive or negative influence on my family's spiritual life-especially the TVwhich will rob me of valuable time if it is not removed. 17 To clear the home of clutter and sell unneeded items in garage sales Now is also the perfect time to clean closets, drawers, the basement, garage, and other places, removing all items that we are not using, and selling as many as possible. Needed items can be put in order. 18 To learn to enjoy what God has given It is easy for me to become dissatisfied with the things I have and to look forward to buying bigger and better items which I may not really need. Without an income, I can learn to appreciate what I do have and learn to take better care of my possessions so I can enjoy them longer. 19 To learn how to suffer need Paul explained that he learned how to abound and how to suffer need. When I had a regular income, I abounded. Now, I am learning the disciplines of suffering need. This includes learning to go without and experiencing what Pa-ql talked about when he said, "I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ" (Philippians 3:8). 20 To escape the pressure of damaging status symbols When there are ample funds, it is a temptation to spend extra money on status symbols such as certain brand names of clothing or other items that demonstrate that you are part of the "in" group. With this practice, there is a·dditional pressure to compromise standards so as not to be rejected by those we are trying to imitate. With limited funds, the concern is not for vain prestige, but for daily provisions. 14 1llw {JA«f lJodJtllow,~ ~ ~ {5/J~ J~ Jtrkb~ After studying the first booklet on "Why did God let it happen?" a participant in this Counseling Course selected the above topic from the suggested list and wrote out the following benefits. He experienced what so many others have. Before he began, he did not believe that he would be able to think of any ideas, but once he started writing them down, ideas continued to come. 1 It taught me to distinguish right from wrong. God used the strictness of my parents to teach me how to quickly discern what is right and what is wrong. Through their patient discipline, they motivated me to stand alone for what is right. They also explained to me how to apply Scriptural truth to every situation. 2 It built in me a hatred for evil. One of God's definitions of wisdom is to hate evil. (See Proverbs 9:10; 8:13.) My parents allowed me to see the consequences of evil and how damaging it is to anyone who practices it. They were quick to point out cause-and-effect sequences that resulted because people tolerated even a little evil in their lives. 3 It showed me the importance of honoring my parents' authority. Because of my parents' strict following of Scripture, it was very easy to see the connection between honoring God and honoring my parents. By following my parents' instruction, I was also following the Lord's direction and fulfilling the Scripture, "My son, keep thy father's commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother: Bind them continually upon thine heart, and tie them about thy neck. When thou goest, it shall lead thee; when thou sleepest, it shall keep thee; and when thou awakest, it shall talk with thee" (Proverbs 6:20-22). 4 It guided me to overcome anger and bitterness. Anger comes when we want to do our own way, and then the consequences cause bitterness. When I wanted to know God's way, I would not only look in Scripture, but ask myself, "What would my parents' counsel be." By following this, I avoided problems that lead to anger and bitterness. 15 5 It showed me the importance of serving my family. Because of my parents' strictness, I was kept close to home and not allowed a lot of freedom to be with my friends. I learned how to get along with brothers and sisters and how to serve my family. At first I reacted to this, but then I learned the importance of serving in love. I found that when I served my family in love, I was doing it as unto the Lord, and that gave me a special fulfillment. 6 It was used of God to reveal my blind spots. My strict parents were able to see their childrens' blind spots easier and more wisely and accurately than anyone else. They did not excuse them but clearly and fully pointed them out to me. Not only did they show me my blind spots, but they worked with me until they were corrected. 7 It showed me the importance of yielding my rights. My parents taught me that when I speak with other people, I should always have two important considerations in mind. First, I must have all my rights yielded to God so that what the other person says will not make me angry. Second, I must have the fear of the Lord when I speak with others so that I can understand what the Lord is saying through them to me. 8 It developed within me strong Biblical standards. Of all the benefits that resulted from the blessing of having strict parents, this one is probably the greatest. God used my parents to instill strong Biblical standards in me in all areas of my life. These included standards in dress, music, friends, and reading material. They assured me that "... the Spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard ... " (Isaiah 59:19), and that standard is possible only as believers are totally committed to the Lord and His ways. 9 It kept me from conforming to the standards of the world. My strict parents were very sensitive to what was of the world, and they taught me early that I was not only to dedicate my body to the Lord, but also to not be conformed to the philosophies of our day. They taught me to guard my eyes and my thoughts and to dwell only on those things that please the Lord. 10 It forced me to learn deference. There are many character qualities that I learned from my parents. One in particular was deference. I had to learn to limit my freedoms in order not to offend the wishes of my parents. The more I learned deference, the more I learned to get along with my parents and others. Doug Sondergaard, Sebastopol, California 16 1 It forces me to detect partial guilt. Unfair punishment is usually too harsh or based on inaccurate information. However, there is usually some basis of fault that prompted the discipline in the first place. Before responding to the unfairness of the punishment, it is essential that I clear up whatever small percentage of guilt I may have. 2 It reminds me of the punishment I deserve. Even though this punishment is undeserved, there are many other times that I was not punished for things I did wrong. Thus, I can sincerely say, "Whatever punishment I get is less than I deserve." 3 It helps me appreciate Christ's suffering. Christ was totally innocent; yet He, the Just One, suffered for me, the unjust one, that I might have eternal life. By suffering unjustly, I am able to appreciate what He went through because of His love for me, and I remember that He wants me to go through the same experience for others so they can be drawn to His love. 4 It reminds me that God is the final Judge. Because I have dedicated my reputation to God, He is responsible to have the truth known about my innocence. If the record is not cleared in this life, I can be confident that in the "Supreme Court" of Heaven, the truth will be known, and justice will be carried out. 5 It reveals needs in the punisher's life. . The injustice that I have received confirms there are obvious needs in the life of the one punishing me. God instructs me to repay good for evil, and in so doing to receive a special reward from the Lord. "Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for rail- ing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing" (I Peter 3:9). 6 It teaches me to be just when I lead. The pain of injustice will be a strong motivation to me to be just when I am given responsibilities of leadership. Just as Joseph learned to be a good leader by going through injustice, so God promises that if I suffer with Him, I will also reign with Him. (See II Timothy 2:12.) 17 7 It allows me to overcome evil with good. God instructs me not to be overcome with evil but to take the offensive and overcome evil with good. (See Romans 12:21.) Accepting unfair punishment and then looking for ways to do good to the one who punished me is well-pleasing to the Lord and will allow Him to work in my life and in the life of that person. 8 It prepares me to com£ ort others. During my lifetime, I will meet many people who have been unjustly punished. If I respond properly, and experience God's rewards for my unjust punishment, I will be able to give them counsel and comfort so they can wisely respond to their offenders and their hurts. 9 It encourages me to give my reputation to God. One of the greatest hurts in unfair punishment is having people think less of me because of it. However, if I give my reputation to God, unfair punishment is a reminder that it is not important what people think of me, but only that they see Christ in me. 10 It lets me discern problems in fairness. Technically speaking, it is not possible for people to be fair, because we live in a world of time. True fairness would require every person to get the same amount at the same time. Thus, only God can be fair, because He lives in eternity, and He compensates for what people do not receive. For example, He makes those who are poor rich in faith, and with faith they are able to claim what they need. 11 It lets others see Christ's attitudes in me. When I receive unfair punishment, people expect me to react in anger. This provides an excellent opportunity for me to demonstrate Christlike attitudes such as forgiveness, patience, kindness, self-control, meekness, and gentleness. 12 It is God's way of training me. I look at unfair punishment as something damaging, yet God sees it as something good. "It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. He sitteth alone and keepeth silence ... He giveth his cheek to him that smiteth him: he is filled full with reproach" (Lamentations 3:27-30). 13 It is a cause for rejoicing-more grace. When I am unfairly punished and humbly receive it, God will give me an abundant measure of grace. This grace will give me the desire and the power to do God's will and will result in eternal rewards. 18 1 It forces me to define true riches. True riches cannot be bought with money. They are such things as peace, joy, genuine love, Godly children, and eternal salvation. God gives these to those who are righteous and withholds them from the wicked. 2 It reveals the troubles of the wicked. God informs us that the riches of the wicked are accompanied by guilt for unfair business practices; unfulfillment, because money does not satisfy; fear of people exposing them; insecurity, because money could be lost; and terror, because of the coming judgment of God. For these reasons we are not to envy the wicked as the Psalmist did, "Their eyes stand out with fatness: they have more than heart could wish . ... Behold, these are the ungodly, who prosper in the world; they increase in riches . ... When I thought to know this, it was too painful for me; Until I went into the sanctuary of God; then understood I their end. Surely thou didst set them in slippery places: thou castedst them down into destruction. How are they brought into desolation, as in a moment! they are utterly consumed with terrors" (Psalm 73:7-19). 3 It exposes the dangers of riches. God warns that those who desire to be rich will fall into many foolish and hurtful lusts and pierce themselves through with many sorrows. Riches also tend to corrupt sons and daughters and make themselves wings. Those who trust in uncertain riches will also experience worry and sleepless nights. 4 It emphasizes the blessing of the Lord. When the wicked prosper, trouble and sorrow come with it, but, "The blessing of the Lord, it maketh rich, and he addeth no sorrow with it" (Proverbs 10:22). 5 It teaches me to learn contentment. When riches increase, the appetites of those who have them also increase. Therefore, a person is never really content with riches. Contentment is a character quality we all must learn. Even Adam and Eve in their innocent state did not have contentment. They had a perfect environment, but they still wanted the one thing that God said they could not have. Contentment is being satisfied with basic needs. "And having food and raiment let us be therewith content" (I Timothy 6:8); " . . . Godliness with contentment is great gain" (I Timothy 6:6). 19 6 It shows God's patience and goodness. God is a holy God. He is angry with the wicked every day, and He will one day bring them into judgment for their evil deeds. In the meantime, He patiently waits for them to repent. It is because of God's mercies that we are not consumed every day, and the goodness of God in giving us such things as health, sunshine, and rain is designed to lead us to repentance. 7 It makes me responsible to warn them. Because of all the troubles that will come to the wicked, it is certainly not wise for me to envy them, but rather to warn them. "When I say unto the wicked, Thou shalt surely die; and thou givest him not warning, nor speakest to warn the wicked from his wicked way, to save his life; the same wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood will I require at thine hand. Yet if thou warn the wicked, and he turn not from his wickedness, nor from his wicked way, he shall die in his iniquity; but thou hast delivered thy soul" (Ezekiel 3:18-19). 8 It motivates me to pray for rulers. When wicked people prosper, it is a sign that ungodly leaders are in power. "The wicked walk on every side, when the vilest men are exalted" (Psalm 12:8). This condition should be a strong reminder to me of my responsibility to pray for those who are in authority. "For kings, and for all that are in authority; that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty" (I Timothy 2:2). 9 It helps me learn principles of finance. According to God's evaluation of people of this world, "And the lord commended the unjust steward, because he had done wisely: for the children of this world are in their generation wiser than the children of light" (Luke 16:8). God wants believers to be wise in financial matters so we can be good stewards of that which He entrusts to us. If we are not faithful in money, He will not entrust to us true riches. (See Luke 16:10-12.) 10 It encourages me to have eternal riches. The wicked may live in luxury on this earth, but in eternity they will suffer continual punishment. They, like the rich man in Scripture, will then want to warn their family to realize what is really important. The righteous, on the other hand, will enjoy true riches that shall never be taken from them. 20 1 God used it to tum my attention to Himself. God used my childhood loneliness to turn my attention to Himself and to seek out his friendship first and foremost. My intimate relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ is now my most precious treasure. I am eager to spend a quiet afternoon or evening with the Lord. I delight in seeking first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness knowing that every other good thing will be added to me in God's precise timing. 2 God used it to develop skills in reaching out to others first. Solomon counseled that the one who desires to have friends must show himself friendly. (See Proverbs 18:24.) In obedience to this truth I exerted myself to be friendly to all the people I have met since about age thirteen. As a result, I now have a circle of intimate friends, but I also have many who would think of me as their good friend, and hundreds of other special acquaintances. 3 God used it to help other lonely people. The Lord developed in me a sensitivity and understanding in other lonely people so I would be able to encourage them with God's wisdom. I have noticed that lonely and hurting people seem to be attracted to me. I can also spot lonely people even if they are showing off in front of a crowd. 4 God used it to teach me how to think. Being alone so much allowed me to do a lot of thinking. I noticed that this is something that busy, social people do not always have time for. Further opportunities to meditate on God's Word came when I had what others considered to be a dull and boring job and also during times of deep spiritual disappointment. A desire to express myself in writing grew out of all these times of contemplation and soul-searching. 5 God used it to restrain frivolous talk. When I am with people whom I trust, I have a tendency to chatter without restraint. My quiet times with the Lord have given me time to think over my past failures and learn to correct certain habits. 21 6 God used it to prepare me for leadership. The phrase, "The backside of the desert" describes the extended times of being alone which God gave to Moses, Paul, and other leaders whom He prepared for service. As I have become involved in church and community projects, I have seen how my time alone with the Lord shaped my ideas and methods for the task. God's ideas and methods do not always mesh well with the world's way of doing things, but that is why it is so important to spend time alone with the Lord in order to find out His ways and His thoughts. 7 God used it to develop an understanding of families. As I work with families, I am often asked how I can understand them since I have never been married or had children of my own. The answer is that during my times of being alone, I have had much opportunity to spend time observing, studying, and praying about family relationships. This study has helped me learn how relationships work in a family and how to talk to family members who often feel alone. -A woman from Saskatchewan, Canada Wfw PIJid §od~J/k m~ liJONI/ Wit-k a PI1tfict:J 1 To help me conquer pride God has used my "defect" to remind me of my physical weakness and my total dependence upon the Lord. As I have accepted His design for my life, He has given me an added measure of His grace, in the same way He did to Paul with his thorn in the flesh. "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me" ([J Corinthians 12:9J. 2 To help me remember that my body belongs to God I have learned to accept my defect as God's "mark of ownership." It is a continual reminder to me that my body belongs to God and not to me. It is therefore easy for me to agree with Scripture: "For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's" (I Corinthians 6:20). 22 3 To force me to rely on God's approval rather than man's Because of my defect I have had to expect rejection from people. This has motivated me to look to God alone for my approval. Furthermore, I know that God's approval is based not on my outward appearance, but my inward character. Interestingly, the more I build inward character, the brighter and more attractive becomes my outward appearance. 4 To prepare me to be sensitive and kind to others I have found that most people believe that they have some physical, mental, emotional, or family defect. I know how hurtful it is for me when people react to me because of my defect. Therefore, I am highly motivated to be gentle and kind to other people, especially those with obvious defects. I try to focus on them as persons rather than pay attention to their defects. 5 To cause me to rejoice in my perfect condition in Christ I do have what people refer to as a physical defect, but this only motivates me to rejoice in the fact that I am complete and perfect in Christ. He is without spot or blemish. When God looks upon me, He sees the perfection of Christ rather than my imperfections, and when I meet Him after this life, He will give me a new body without any imperfections or defects. 6 To guide me to distinguish changeables from unchangeables The physical defect that I have cannot be changed. However, there are other things in my life that I can change. My defect motivates me to work on the things that can be changed. I can change my attitudes, my dress, my grooming, my personal appearance, and increase the brightness of my countenance. 7 To encourage me to appreciate God's compensations Since I am a member of the Body of Christ, I have an important function that I have to carry out for other believers. God compares each one of us to an organ in the body. The ear is not to say to the eye, "I have no need of you." Nor is the foot to say to the hand, "I have no need of you." (See I Corinthians 12:21.) God points out that those members of the body that are least esteemed are more necessary than the attractive parts. 8 To motivate me to concentrate on my spiritual gift God has given to me a spiritual gift for the benefit of other Christians. The more I develop and exercise this gift, the less important my physical defect will be. In fact, my spiritual gift will give purpose and meaning to my physical defect. 23 How to Assist Others to Answer: When a tragic event or disappointing circumstance occurs, the normal tendency for any person is to react in anger or frustration and to look for people to blame. It is certainly not normal for a person to ask the question, "Why did God let this happen?" There is usually the need for :;omeone else to come alongside that person and redirect his thinking in order to see the event from God's point of view. 1 Listen with patience and compassion. Before suggesting that a person answer this question, it is usually necessary to listen to him explain the event from his perspective. Show compassion just as Jesus did with Mary and Martha when they told Him about their brother's death. "Jesus wept." His response is signifi:ant, because He knew that He would raise Lazarus from the dead in just a few minutes. 2 Gently ask the question. After carefully listening to his perspective, gently ask, "Why do you suppose God let this happen?" Several moments of silence will usually follow in order for him to rearrange his thinking around God's point of view. Allow time for this. 3 Explain the benefits of answering the question. Emphasize that nothing happens in the life of a believer except that which God allows for our benefit. Jesus assured His disciples, "Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you" (John 15:15). 4 Give the procedure. Encourage him to take paper and pen and begin to write out ideas that come to his mind on possible benefits that he can experience by going through this difficult situation. Explain that at first he may not be able to think of any benefits, but as he begins to write, more will come to his mind. 5 Provide assistance in answering. Help him get started by asking such questions as: 1. "How will this situation allow you to humble yourself?" 2. "What character qualities could this build in you if you respond to it correctly?" 3. "Is this God's way of disciplining you?" 4. "What can you learn from this that will help you to encourage others?" 5. "Is God allowing you to suffer in order to show His love to someone else?" 6. "How w11l this help you understand and appreciate Christ more?" 6 Identify similar situations in Scripture. For any situation which we face in life, we can find a parallel example in the Bible of one who triumphed over difficulty. Find one that matches your circumstance, and learn from it. 11 • 24 •• The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple" (Psalm 19:7). PREREQUISITES TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER WHY GOD LET IT HAPPEN There are certain prerequisites which we must have in order to see a difficult situation from God's point of view; these include the following: □ 1 Meekness If we fail to give our rights or expectations to God, we will never understand the higher judgments or ways of God. "The meek will he guide in judgment: and the meek will he teach his way" (Psalm 25:9). By knowing the judgments and ways of God we will understand why things happen to us and others. □ 2 Purity of heart A pure heart is one that is not contaminated by evil or selfish motives. God promises that one that has a pure heart will be able to see life from His point of view. (See Matthew 5:8.) □ 3 Spiritual discernment Knowing why God lets things happen is a matter of spiritual understanding rather than intellectual reasoning. "... [These things] are spiritually discerned" (I Corinthians 2:14). The Holy Spirit is the one who gives discernment in spiritual matters. Therefore, it is essential that we do nothing to grieve Him or quench His power. □ 4 Spiritual-mindedness One who is carnally-minded can only see things from a human perspective. One who is spiritually-minded will understand why God lets things happen. A carnal mind is committed to the pleasures of this world. "For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace" (Romans 8:6). A spiritually-minded person understands that "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:9). □ 5 God-fearing The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and wisdom allows us to see life from God's point of view. The fear of the Lord is the continual awareness that God is watching and evaluating everything I think, say, and do, and He will reward me accordingly. "The secret of the LORD is with them that fear him; and he will shew them his covenant" (Psalm 25:14). □ 6 Loving the Lord Perhaps the most important prerequisite is that of loving the Lord with all of our heart and soul, and mind and strength. It is to those who love the Lord that God promises that all things work together for good. (See Romans 8:28.) 25 Further Applications to Discern Wfw §od~ w~ Based on the information in this booklet, you are encouraged to fill out benefits which God would intend for those who went through the following situation. Use this same outline for several other difficulties and problems that you or others have until it becomes a spontaneous response. Questions to ask: 1 How will this relate to humbling myself? D Allows me to see my total dependence upon God D Reveals my inadequacies 2 Is this God's way of discipline? D Taking too much responsibility D Wrong priorities 0 Failure to train and delegate D Need for more prayer and Spiritual preparation D Getting out from under authority D Wrong motives 0 Not honoring the Lord's day 3 What can I learn to help and encourage others? 0 Helping them get organized after I learn it D Guiding them to evaluate priorities D Sharing how to get God's blessing for jobs 4 In what ways has this caused you to appreciate Christ more? 0 He was always busy, but never in a hurry 0 He did only the work that His Father gave Him to do 0 He trained His disciples 5 What character qualities can this develop in me: D Diligence in my responsibilities O Truthfulness in capabilities □ Alertness to what is important □ Resourcefulness in shortcuts 0 Attentiveness to directions given O Discernment in priorities D Initiative to eliminate distractions O Wisdom in response to others D Punctuality to all deadlines O Humility in submitting to God □ Flexibility to any changes O Determination to finish jobs □ Obedience-inwardly and outwardly 26 TEN WAYS TO FIRST TEST: Do you ask for reasons when your request is turned down? OBEDIENCE IS ACCEPTING "NO" AS THE FINAL ANSWER. (No questions, no appeals, no discussion, no nothing!!!) When you make a request and are told "No," it would be an act of disobedience to discuss the matter any further. Simply thank your authority for considering the request, and drop the subject. Trust God to work out any change of heart. If you ask for reasons, you are assuming that your authority can clearly and fully explain himself. Often he will have cautions that he cannot immediately explain based on past experiences, conflicting circumstances, the concerns of others, or direction from the Lord. Any reasons he gives you are usually incomplete; thus, when you answer his objections, he still will not be convinced, and an argument will usually result. SECOND TEST: Do you stop what you are doing when given instructions? OBEDIENCE IS ACTING IMMEDIATELY ON COMMANDS. (No delays, no objections, no reasons such as "Let me finish this first.") Delayed obedience is disobedience. When your authority asks you to do something, immediately stop what you are doing and do what you were told to do. If you are working on a project that will be damaged if not finished, make your authority aware of this, and let him decide which is the greater priority. THIRD TEST: Do you smile when you are told to do something? OBEDIENCE IS CHEERFULLY RESPONDING TO REQUESTS. (No frowns, no murmurs, no groans, no rolling of your eyes.) A smile communicates that you are pleased to carry out the wishes of your authorities. The lack of a smile implies thatyou do not want to do a job. A frown or any murmuring indicates that you are inwardly rebelling against your authorities, and that you are complying only because you have no alternative. 27 FOURTil TEST: Do you ever give reasons why you cannot do a job? OBEDIENCE IS FINDING WAYS TO OVERCOME OBSTACLES. (No negative thinking, no failure to be creative, no "I can't.") When you are told to do a job, it is normal to think of obstacles that are in your way, but do not voice them. Ask yourself, "How can I overcome these obstacles?" Ask God for wisdom. A desire to obey motivates creativity. Where there is a will, there is a way. FIFTil TEST: Have you ever had to be reminded to do little tasks? OBEDIENCE IS FUUILLING UITLE COMMANDS AS WELL AS BIG ONES. (No excuses, no frustrations, no reaction, no justification.) Do you need to be reminded to wipe your feet, pick up your clothes, make your bed, brush your teeth, wash the dishes, or carry out garbage? A person who neglects little commands will usually overlook important details which make the difference between success and failure in a project or in life. He will also tend to be careless in his thinking, personal disciplines, neatness, speech, or actions. The principle that Jesus gave is true: "He tha.t is faithful in tha.t which is least is faithful also in much ... " (Luke 16:10). On the other hand, he that is unfaithful in little will be unfaithful in much. SIXTH TEST: Do you ever have to redo a job you did the wrong way? OBEDIENCE IS FOLLOWING ALL THE ORDERS THE FIRST TIME. (No assuming, no guessing, no forgetting, no self-will.) Before carrying out a task, an obedient person will make sure that he has all the information on how to do it. He will know what questions to ask in order to clarify instructions, and he will know when to check back with his authority to make sure he is doing the job correctly. Disobedience is adding your own will or ideas to a job when you are not sure they are in harmony with the precise instructions of your authority. SEVENTH TEST: Do you ever think that a job is "stupid"? OBEDIENCE IS DOING JOBS AND UNDERSTANDING THEM LATER. (No mocking, no whining, no questioning, no eva