Anger Resolution PDF

Ahuuncch Wrutntng lf nntttutc. 11 ntcrnuttnnul A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN 'Effective Counsefing ◄ PART EIGHT Anger Resolution THE URGENCY OF RESOLVING ANGER Anger is a major destroyer of relationships. Anger is one of the common denominators among juvenile delinquents. It is one of the major ca...

Ahuuncch Wrutntng lf nntttutc. 11 ntcrnuttnnul A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN 'Effective Counsefing ◄ PART EIGHT Anger Resolution THE URGENCY OF RESOLVING ANGER Anger is a major destroyer of relationships. Anger is one of the common denominators among juvenile delinquents. It is one of the major causes of broken marriages. It is a chief contributor to health problems and a major factor in loss of productivity, in accidents, and in turnover in the workplace. When a husband expresses anger to his wife, he damages the spirit of their marriage. When a father is angry with his children, he destroys their trust in him. When an employer expresses anger with employees, he decreases their desire to achieve. Anger is a "giant" that every person must conquer. Anger is not limited to one age group, culture, race, economic level, social status, educational background, or any other classification. It is a universal problem. When 10,000 men across the United States were asked if they had a problem with anger, 95 percent acknowledged that they did. Anger is not just a problem in our day, but it has been a problem since the beginning of history. Anger was the first evidence of the Fall of man and resulted in the first murder. (See Genesis 3.) Anger is a deep-rooted problem. It is no small task to help a person resolve anger. Scripture states, "A man of great wrath shall suffer punishment: for if thou deliver him, yet thou must do it again" (Proverbs 19:19). The only hope of resolving anger is to get at the roots which cause it and deal with them in a wise and effective way. That is the objective of this course on anger resolution. There is a significant relationship between anger and lust. Both are expressions of unrestrained emotions, and both focus on present fulfillment with little or no thought of future consequences. When a man sows immorality, he also exposes his children to similar temptations, and when he tries to discipline them for their actions, he often overcorrects them with destructive anger. There is also an obvious relationship between anger and violence. God affirms that a man who is angry with another is a murderer in his heart, and what is in a person's heart tends to be expressed in his actions. Effective Counseling Course Part Eight Institute in Basic Life Principles Box One• Oak Brook, IL 60522-3001 (630) 323-9800 A PRE-TEST ON ANGER RESOLUTION TEST QUESTIONS: 1 Name four legal doctrines that make employers liable for anger. 2 List four health problems that are caused by anger. (8 pts. __J (8points_) 3 Identify ten visible symptoms of anger. (10 points _) 4 What is the key to understanding anger? (8points_) 5 Name four examples in the Bible that illustrate this key. (8 points __J 6 What should be our first response when we feel anger? (8points_) 7 How does anger tum into a stronghold of wrath? (8 points_) 8 List three steps to regain II ground" lost through anger. (8 points_) 9 How do we remove the influence of inherited anger? (8points_) 10 How can we conquer anger related to personal rights? (8 points_) 11 List five ways that a tragedy can produce benefits. (10 points _) 12 How do we maintain victory over conquered anger? TOT AL: 100 points (8 points_) YOUR SCORE: _ __ 3 TABLE OF CONTENTS The Importance of Resolving Anger ................... 2 Pre-Test on Anger Resolution ............................ 3 Table of Contents ........................................... 4 Test Answers: 1 Legal Doctrines That Make Employers Liable for Anger .. 5 2 How Anger Damages a Person's Health ................... 6 3 Ten Visible Evidences of Anger ........................... 7 4 The Key to Understanding Anger ......................... 8 • Biblical Examples Which Illustrate This Key ............ 9 Ten Steps to Resolve Anger 1 Accept Personal Responsibility for Your Anger........... 11 2 See Your Anger Through Those It Damaged .............. 11 3 Recognize Anger as an Alarm" From Past Guilt ......... 12 II 4 Act Quickly in Correcting Past Offenses ................. 12 5 Acknowledge the Anger of Your Forefathers ............. 13 6 Regain Surrendered "Ground" ........................... 15 7 Fully Forgive Your Offenders ............................. 16 8 Learn How to See Benefits From Anger-Causing Events .. 16 9 Exchange Your Personal Rights for God's Control ........ 17 10 Establish a Structure of Accountability ................... 18 Character Qualities Required to Resolve Anger .... 19 4 TEST ANSWERS 1 What Four Legal Doctrines Make Employers Liable for the Anger of Employees? Maintaining a work force that is trained in anger resolution is a vital aspect to an employer's avoiding costly law suits. Violence, irritation, distraction, carelessness, harassment, and the inability to relate well with fellow co-workers are all direct results of anger. Left unresolved, these tendencies can easily result in workplace violence, harassment, or accidents that can bring massive financial losses to corporations of any size or form. The theories through which legal liability (responsibility) can be imposed on employers for the actions of their employees are discussed briefly below. 1 Respondeat Superior The legal doctrine of respondeat superior ("let the master answer") holds that an employer can be held liable for the negligent and, in some cases, the intentional wrongs of his employees if those wrongs are committed by the employee while on the job. In this situation it is not necessary that the employer do anything wrong himself or breach any legal duty. The mere existence of the employer-employee relationship makes the employer responsible for the action of his employees. (See Corpus Juris Secundum, Employer-Employee§§ 190-224.) 2 Negligent Hiring An employer has a duty to hire only competent employees. In order to carry out this duty, he must exercise diligence in learning about the previous character performance of each person seeking employment with his company. This duty requires an employer not to hire any person whom the employer should know to be violent or careless. If an employer does not fulfill this duty and an employee with an anger problem becomes angry and harms another person while on the job, a court may impose liability on the employer for failing to use diligence in hiring only safe, competent employees. The rules of negligent hiring are stated in 30 Corpus Juris Secundum, Employer-Employee and in the Restatement of Agency 2d. An employer may be liable for injuries to third person proximately resulting from incompetence or unfitness of his employee, where he was negligent in selecting an incompetent or unfit employee (C.J.S., Employer-Employee§ 186). The master (employer) has a non-delegable duty of care to select, and retain in his employ, only servants (employees) from whose conduct there is not an unreasonable risk of harm to other servants (Restatement of Agency 2d § 505). 3 Negligent Retention If character flaws are not detected during the interview but come to light in the course of employment, the employer has an immediate responsibility to discharge or retrain the employee. Corpus Juris Secundum states: Retaining in employment an employee who is, or should be, known to be incompetent, habitually negligent, or otherwise unfit, is such negligence on the part of the employer as will render him liable for injuries caused to third parties for the incompetent, or otherwise improper, actions of the employee (C.J.S., Employer-Employee§ 188). 5 4 Negligent Training In addition to being responsible for the proper hiring and supervision of employees, the employer must also provide adequate training so that employees will know ~ow to properly carry out their responsibilities without endangering fellow employees or third parties. Negligent training is a relatively new cause of action, but will likely see increasing use in our litigious society. (See Fenton, Ruud & Kimbell, Negligent Training Suits: A Recent Entry Into the Corporate Employment Negligence Arena, LABOR LAW JOURNAL, June 1991, at 351.) The Background Behind Negligent Hiring Laws The American law system was founded on the principles of Biblical law. Early courts would often use Biblical directives in cases where no law was yet written. The personal responsibility that an employer has over the conduct of his employees is clearly seen in the Biblical law of an ox and his owner. In Biblical times, oxen were used for plowing and other work-related tasks. If an owner was told that his ox was prone to "push with his horn" and he did nothing about it, the owner was liable for any damage that occurred. (See Exodus 21:29-32.) 2 How Does Anger Damage a Person's Health? Anger carries a very high price tag. It damages the health of the person who is angry, as well as those who are affected by the anger. It destroys vital relationships and results in financial loss due to disease, unwise judgment, or destructive behavior. Heart Disease Every outburst of anger kills thousands of muscle fibers in a person's heart. Over the years scars accumulate, blocking vital passages and contributing to heart failure and death. Anger also stimulates the adrenal glands to produce hormones called catecholamines, which strengthen a person during times of crisis. When these hormones are released in large quantities, the heart beats more rapidly and powerfully, some blood vessels contract while others dilate, and the liver increases the level of glucose in the blood, alerting every member of the body. However, when triggered by anger, this energy remains unused because of damaging imbalances in the bloodstream caused by that anger. If this energy is used for violent behavior, even greater damage results in property and relationships. Atherosclerosis As blood surges through the circulatory system, arteries bulge and then shrink to normal size with each beat of the heart. Blood vessels are normally quite elastic. However, anger constricts so many blood vessels at the same time that it raises systolic pressure. This increased pressure stretches arteries beyond their elastic limits and causes thousands of microscopic lesions along their interior linings. When these linings are injured, platelets in the bloodstream accumulate at the site of each lesion to heal the wound, much like bandages. As the platelets heal the wounds, they release chemicals that attract large amounts of cholesterol, which is then absorbed by the 6 endothelial lining. Each expression of anger saturates the endothelial lining with cholesterol, making the artery walls thick and inelastic. Hypertension and Kidney Damage An imbalance of hormones resulting from anger also damages key organs such as the kidneys. The individual filtering unit of the kidney contains a network of capillaries from which waste is filtered. High levels of hormones damage the walls of these capillaries so that they become clogged, causing a buildup of blood. The kidney senses the buildup and attempts to correct the problem by elevating blood pressure throughout the body by secreting excessive amounts of renin. Renin increases the heart's systolic pressure and induces hypertension. High Cholesterol Count Many people try to regulate the level of cholesterol in their blood by eating foods low in fat. However, recent studies suggest that anger and other emotional stresses contribute as much to high cholesterol as does diet. One angry outburst may elevate cholesterol levels for as long as ten days. The results of unresolved, prolonged anger probably nullify any attempts to lower cholesterol levels by means of a low-fat diet. 3 What Are Ten Visible Evidences of Anger? Many people who are angry deny that they are. Yet the following symptoms give clear evidence to others that they are truly angry. 1. Irritability A buildup of inward tension causes an angry person to become irritated with situations and circumstances that would otherwise not bother him. 2. Impatience Tolerance for the weaknesses and limitations of others is reduced by anger. An angry person will often demand an instant response to his instructions. He is further angered when his instructions are not understood. 3. Raised Voice Anger, along with impatience, will often be expressed in loudness of voice. The tone will communicate harshness and lack of love. 4. Glaring Eyes An angry look with penetrating eyes, a pronounced frown, furrowed brows, tense facial muscles, flushed complexion, prominent veins, and enlarged pupils 5. Hurtful Words A parent may express anger to a child by harsh, unkind words and statements such as, "You are good for nothing" or "You idiot" or "I wish you were never born" or "Why can't you be like others?" 6. Explosive Actions Using extra force to put down an object, slamming doors, or throwing things is clear evidence of anger. An angry person may think he is showing self-control by avoiding more serious confrontations. 7 7. Cutting Off Communication An angry person will usually close his spirit toward the one who made him angry-as evidenced by silence, poor eye contact, or avoidance. 8. Argumentation Wounded pride will motivate an angry person to challenge the opinions, ideas, or instructions of those around him, and especially those over him. 9. Clenched Teeth Anger causes the jaw muscles to tighten. This brings great pressure on the teeth when they come together. The result is the clenching or grinding of one's teeth. 10. Heavy Breathing Anger causes a more rapid heartbeat which, in tum, requires more oxygen and causes heavy breathing. 4 What Is the Key to Understanding Anger? CASE STUDIES Why Did This Father and Son Get Angry With Each Other? □ "When I was younger, my brother hit me. I had recently been told by my parents that I am not the 'parent' of my brother, so I went into the next room and told my dad that my brother hit me. I even showed him the weapon my brother used. My dad got angry and said, 'No, you hit him.' My dad then spanked me so hard he broke the wooden spoon on me. His anger and his false accusation and the spanking really hurt me." □ "I was working on a shed in the backyard with my dad. I was drilling something. My dad said, 'Stop.' I stopped. He said, 'Take the drill bit out.' I said, 'It is spinning.' He glared at me, and I decided to obey. So I started to take out the drill bit when he said something I could not hear and then said, 'Stop.' I stopped. He asked me if I had trouble obeying. I said, 'No, I did what you said to do.' He started to explain what was happening with the drill and the drill bit. I asked Dad what that had to do with obedience. He said, 'I am explaining what happened so next time you will obey better.' I held my tongue. Dad said, 'You are being wise.' I said, 'So when you are hurt, you are to forget it and not go to the person and work it out?' My dad said, 'Yes.' That hurt my pride in my dad, and now communicating with him is very hard." ANSWER The Key to Anger Is Tension. Tension Is Cumulative. In the first account, tension began within the father when his eldest son tried to be the parent for the younger son. This tension did not go away but accumulated, so that when the son complained about his brother, the built-up tension in the father exploded in anger and abusive punishment. Similarly, the son built-up tension toward the father from previous hurts. This caused anger and hindered him from showing honor to his father. 8 What Biblical Examples Illustrate This Key to Anger? • Jacob's Anger Toward His Wife Rachel Rachel t"as the favorite wife of Jacob. He had worked fourteen years to win the rightfo marry her. Thus, it is surprising that one day his anger was kindled against er. This occurred during a discussion in which Rachel begged Jacob for chil ren. Jacob became angry and asked if she thought he was God. What Accumulated Tension Caused Jacob's Anger? Children are a blessing from the Lord. In earlier years, Jacob stole his brother's blessing by deceiving his father into thinking he was Esau. Tension was created by the guilt of that theft and followed Jacob into his marriage relationship. When Rachel asked Jacob for the blessing of children, he was not free emotionally to comfort her but reacted angrily because of unresolved past tension and guilt. • Saul's Anger Against David and His Son Jonathan Jonathan was the son of King Saul. He was a courageous, skilled, and trusted warrior. His bravery had won a great victory for his father. Similarly, David's courage against Goliath had won a decisive victory for the king and the nation. After the battle, the young maidens led a victory parade and sang, "... Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands" (I Samuel 18:7). When Saul heard this saying, he became extremely angry. His anger turned to wrath, bitter1).ess, anp hatred, until he tried to kill David. When Jonathan tried to defend David, Saul became violently angry at his son. What Accumulated Tension Caused Saul's Anger? Saul was chosen by God to be king over Israel because he was little in his own estimation. Why then would he become so jealous of David for getting more praise than he received? A clue is contained in Saul's angry outburst to his son Jonathan. He exclaimed,".' .. Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman ... " (I Samuel 20:30). To refer to his wife in such harsh terms clearly indicates that long before the women praised David, Saul had had serious conflicts with his wife. The tension and guilt from these conflicts exploded in anger against David and Jonathan. • Cain's Anger Against His Brother Abel Cain and Abel were brothers. They were the first descendants of Adam and Eve. Cain was a farmer, and Abel was a shepherd. One day Cain talked with Abel. Following that conversation, an angry Cain murdered his brother in the field. What Accumulated Tension Caused Cain's Anger? Prior to that conversation, Cain had tried to present an acceptable offering to the Lord. He had given the fruit of the field, which he had worked long hours to produce. God rejected this offering because it 9 failed to fulfill the requirements of a sacrificial animal. " ... Without (Hebrews 9:22). On the other hand, Abel offered a lamb, and when Cain saw that God accepted Abel's offering, he became angry. God spoke with Cain about his anger and pointed out that there was sin and guilt in Cain's life. Rather than dealing with the sin, Cain allowed the anger to turn into wrath that exploded in murderous passion. shedding of blood is no remission" • Balaam's Anger Against His Donkey When the king of Moab saw the huge host of Israelites coming out of Egypt, he tried to hire a prophet named Balaam to curse them. As Balaam was traveling, his donkey suddenly stopped and refused to go forward. Balaam became furious and began beating his donkey with a rod. What Accumulated Tension Caused Balaam's Anger? When Balaam first asked permission to go curse Israel, God forbade him. However, when a more impressive delegation was sent by King Balak, Balaam again asked the Lord if he could go. In this case, God gave Balaam the desire of his heart but sent leanness to his soul. The leanness produced guilt, and this guilt was expressed in the beating of his donkey. • David's Anger Against the Thief One day David was sitting on his throne. Nathan the prophet came to him and told him of a wealthy man who had numerous sheep. However, when a friend came, the wealthy man took his poor neighbor's cherished lamb and killed it for the meal. When David heard this, he became angry and declared that this man must die. What Accumulated Tension Caused David's Anger? David knew the Law of God, which clearly states that if a man steals and eats a sheep, he is to pay back fourfold. (See Exodus 22.) Why then would David give such a harsh punishment for this transgression? About a year earlier David had committed sin with Bathsheba. In so doing, he stole the wife of his faithful warrior Uriah and then arranged to have Uriah killed. Tremendous tension and guilt followed this great sin and were expressed in David's harsh judgment toward the man who had stolen the lamb. Types of Guilt and Tension in These Accounts 1. Jacob-Guilt from deception and unjust gain earlier in his life 2. King Saul-Tension from bitterness against his wife transferred to others 3. Cain-Tension from a conflict over the standards of God that he rejected 4. Balaam-Tension from willfulness in demanding his own way 5. King David-Tension from the guilt of having committed the same type of sin 10 TEN STEPS TO RESOLVE ANGER When anger turns to wrath and bitterness, we are dealing with a problem that is bigger than we are. We can purpose with our minds and wills that we will not get angry, and we can feel remorseful after an outburst of anger; however, these inward struggles only prove that we must appeal to the power of God for the control that is needed to resolve anger. Here are the steps to do that. 1 Accept Personal Responsibility for Your Anger Anger will never be conquered as long as we justify it, explain it away, or blame others for it. It is true that fathers are commanded not to provoke their children to wrath; however, children are given extra ability (grace) to forgive their offenders. In the final analysis, anger is more than a problem in the mind, will, and emotions. It is a spiritual problem, and as such, it brings us face to face with God's requirements to control our thoughts, words, and actions since we must give an account to Him for each of them. Accepting personal responsibility for anger also requires that we agree with God that anger is wrong. Anger is not a good way to get our point across, nor is it the right way to establish our authority or to let people know when they offend us or to release emotional pressure. The law of God states that the wrath of man does not produce His righteousness (see James 1:20) and that we are to put away all wrath, anger, and malice. (See Ephesians 4.) PERSONAL APPLICATION • • • • • How often do you experience anger? □ At least once a day □ Once a week □ Rarely Rate the intensity of your anger: (1 = low, 10 = high; circle one) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Have you shifted blame for anger to: □ People □ Situations □ Physical problems Do you now accept full responsibility for your anger? □ Yes □ No Do you agree with God that wrathful anger is wrong? n Yes □ No 2 See Your Anger Through Those It Damaged Who are the ones in your family or among your friends whom you have damaged by anger? At first you may not think you have hurt anyone; however, it would be very important to ask those in your immediate family if they can recall times when you got angry at them and how they felt about it. As you listen to their accounts, do not justify what you did or try to explain your real intentions. Simply listen with your heart to the emotional hurts which they experienced through your raised voice, sharp words, and most of all, your spirit of rejection. If you feel this is the appropriate time, ask each one to forgive you for the hurts you brought to them because of your anger. 11 PERSONAL APPLICATION • Have you studied the ten symptoms of anger? (See page 5.) □ Yes □ No • How many people recalled times when you were angry? __ How many did you ask? _ _ 3 Recognize Anger as an II Alarm" From Past Guilt When the emotion of anger first occurs, it is not sin; it is a signal to correct a wrong response in the past. The present situation that triggered the anger is similar to the past situation or else is related to it. For example, a father might feel anger when his son does not obey him. However, that emotion may be coming from his own bitterness toward and disobedience to his fa!}ler when he was younger. By using the anger from the present situation to remind him of his past disobedience and then by going back to his father and asking forgiveness for his wrong actions and attitudes, he is turning anger into a special "alarm." However, if this father fails to see anger as an alarm of his wrong response in the past, he will either try to "control" his anger, which will still communicate reaction to his son, or he will express his anger in damaging words or actions. This new approach to anger is described in the Biblical instruction: "Be ye angry, and sin not ... " (Ephesians 4:26), which means that if you are angry over a situation, do not let the anger stir you up to do something that would be wrong. The Bible also gives a time limit to responding properly to the initial feelings of anger: "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath." No anger should be allowed to continue overnight. If it does, it will tum into wrath and give "ground," or jurisdiction, in an area of your soul to Satan. For this reason we have the triple warning: "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil" (Ephesians 4:26-27). The word place actually means an area of control or jurisdiction. When we let anger turn into wrath, Satan is given an area of influence in our minds, wills, and emotions. With this new authority, he implants wrong thoughts, emotions, and decisions such as: "Your parents are evil; they will never change. The way to treat them is to tell them off or to leave home and move in with somebody who will appreciate you." PERSONAL APPLICATION • • • • • Can you give a personal example of how anger was a special alarm? □ Yes □ No Will you now use anger to reveal the tension of past guilt and deal with it? □ Yes □ No Do you remember times of going to bed angry? □ Yes □ No Can you identify wrong thoughts and emotions that resulted? □ Yes □ No Have you gone back and asked forgiveness of those who were offended? □ Yes □ No 4 Act Quickly in Correcting Past Offenses Anger is the emotional explosion that results from a buildup of past tension. Based on the testimonies of Scripture, we experience tension whenever we do that which we know is 12 wrong. This tension is cumulative. As it builds up, it expresses itself in angry responses when similar situations are present. One of the common causes of anger is stealing by other people. If someone steals our money, our clothes, our time by keeping us waiting, or our reputation by saying things about us that are not true or that are only partially true, we get angry. Such anger is a special signal for us to ask: "Did I ever steal from anyone in the past? Have I ever borrowed something and never returned it? Have I failed to give my parents the honor and respect due them regardless of what they have done, or not done, for me? Have I given my employers a full day's work for a full day's wage? Have I cheated on my income tax? Have I robbed God of time and tithes that rightfully belong to Him?" These and other questions must be quickly acted upon when they bring to our memory past offenses. Think through how you can contact the person you wronged. Determine ahead of time what you are going to say. Be sure you confess your wrong actions and also any wrong attitudes such as selfishness, laziness, irresponsibility, resentment, jealousy, envy, greed, etc. After briefly explaining how you offended the person and the wrong attitudes or thoughts that prompted the offense, ask the person if he or she would forgive you. Then wait for their response. Example: Asking Forgiveness of Parents "When I was younger, I did not give you the respect or the honor that you deserve as my parents. I did not see you as God's protectors and instructors over me. I lied to you, stole things from you, and talked bad about you to others. I was wrong in all of this. I realize now how deeply I hurt you. Would you forgive me?" (Make sure you confess everything that you did to wrong them.) Before going to the one you offended, it would be wise to first ask God to forgive you, since whatever we do against another person, we also do against God. We have broken His commandments to not steal, to honor father and mother, to speak evil of no man, etc. When you clear your conscience of past offenses, you will experience two wonderful results. First, you will enjoy freedom from past guilt. Second, you will have a loving desire to help other people follow your example when you see them offending in a similar way. This desire will be one of the most powerful ways to dissolve anger when somebody offends you in a way that you have offended others in the past. PERSONAL APPLICATION • • • • Have you spent time recalling past offenses, especially to parents? □ Yes □ No Have you asked them to forgive you for all past wrongs? □ Yes □ No Did you receive their verbal forgiveness? C Yes D No Are you now free to tell others how you have gained a good conscience? □ Yes □ No 5 Acknowledge the Anger of Your Forefathers In order to fully resolve our anger, we must realize that some of it may be coming from the anger of our forefathers. 13 It is a proven medical fact that our parents pass on to us their tendencies toward heart attacks, diabetes, and other diseases. It is quite obvious that we inherit their physical features. They also pass on to us the tendency to do what is wrong from our first parents, Adam and Eve. It is not unusual, therefore, to expect that the particular types of character flaws that our parents had will be passed on to us as a greater tendency to fail in the same way. If our parents had a problem with immorality, we will have a greater proneness to lustful thoughts and desires. If they gave way to anger, we will experience unexplained surges of anger. This situation is described in the Biblical statement: "... For I the Lord thy God am a jeal- ous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments" (Exodus 20:5-6). "Iniquity" is an expression of self-will. It is doing things our way rather than God's way. Iniquity is a wrong desire that, if allowed to express itself, will result in sinful words, attitudes, and actions. This information is by no means an excuse to blame our parents for our anger, because if our parents have passed on a particular tendency to do wrong, God compensates by giving us a greater ability to overcome this tendency and do right. For this to work, however, we must establish personal disciplines that will act as guards and barriers against doing wrong. It is vital that we acknowledge to God that the moral failures of our parents are wrong and that we want God to free us from any and all influence that they might have passed on to our lives. It is amazing how parents tend to publically excuse the wrong actions of their children and how children tend to justify their wrong behavior because of what their parents have done. There are several examples of acknowledging the iniquity of the forefathers in the Bible. Daniel prayed, "We have sinned, and have committed iniquity, and have done wickedly, and have rebelled, even by departing from thy precepts and from thy judgments . ... Because for our sins, and for the iniquity of our fathers, Jerusalem and thy people are become a reproach . .. "(Daniel 9:5, 16; see also vv. 1-19). Nehemiah's prayer included a similar statement: " ... We have sinned against thee: Both I and my father's house have sinned. We have dealt very corruptly against thee, and have not kept the commandments, nor the statutes, nor the judgments, which thou commandedst thy servant Moses" (Nehemiah 1:6-7; see also vv. 5-11). PERSONAL APPLICATION • • • • • 14 Have either or both of your parents had a problem with anger? □ Yes □ No Have any of your grandparents had a problem with anger and temper? □ Yes Have you justified your anger because of theirs? □ Yes □ No Have you now acknowledged the iniquities of your forefathers? □ Yes □ No What special disciplines will you build in your life to offset their iniquities? □ No □ Memorize Scriptures on anger (see Commands to Keep, Pocket Guzde #6) and the Ten Tongue Tamers. □ Maintain a clear conscience at all times. □ Learn humility by confessing your faults and needs to God and others. 6 Regain Surrendered "Ground" When anger is allowed to turn into wrath, it becomes a spiritual problem. Willpower is no longer sufficient; we must engage in spiritual warfare to overcome. The same chapter that warns us not to go to bed angry also explains, "... We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places" (Ephesians 6:12). Every time we allow the sun to go down upon our wrath, we give more ground to Satan. He then has the legal right to build strongholds of false ideas on that ground and use it as a base of operation to torment our souls in other areas with destructive emotions such as unfounded fears, tension, depression, unexplained anger, lust, self-rejection, pride, habits, insomnia, etc. SOUL 1. Confess the sins that caused the anger. For this step, we must stop thinking about the reasons we got angry and stop blaming the one who caused the anger; then we must trace the anger back to the initial sins that produced the tension and guilt. It is these sins that we must confess; then we will be able to put away all anger, wrath, and malice and show kindness to one another with forgiveness. It is good to be specific because God promises, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:9). 2. Claim the power of the blood of Christ. Because we are all guilty of breaking God's commandments with anger, lust, and other sins, we are deserving of the eternal judgment of hell. However, God Who created us loved us so much that He sent His Son Jesus Christ to pay the price for our sin with His death. His sacrifice for us is effective only if we receive it. We can do that by telling God that we cannot save ourselves but that we are now receiving His Son as our full payment for our sin. (See John 3:16.) God will hear this prayer and give you eternal life. Then as a child of God, you can claim the blood of Christ for the specific sins that gave ground to Satan. The Bible states: "... They [believers] overcame him [Satan] by the blood of the Lamb [Christ], and by the word of their testimony ... " (Revelation 12:11). 3. Ask God to take back the ground that was surrendered. Once you are a believer and you claim the blood of Christ for the specific sins that gave ground to Satan, Satan has no more legal authority over that ground, but he will continue to operate on it until you ask God to take back the ground and give you the wisdom to tear 15 down the false ideas that Satan constructed on it. With such a prayer, you effectively resist Satan and God promises, "... Resist the devil, and he will flee from you" (James 4:7). It is important to remember that we cannot take back the ground, but God can. Psalm 23:3 gives the assurance that, "He restoreth my soul .... " These steps should be repeated with each area of ground that we surrendered to Satan. 7 Fully Forgive Your Offenders Now that God has forgiven you of your enormous debt against Him, it should be an easy matter for you to forgive the comparatively minor offenses of others against you. To help us do this, Jesus gave a parable about a king who, checking up on his servants, found that one of them owed him a huge debt. The king demanded payment, and when the servant could not pay, the king commanded that he and his wife and children be sold as slaves in lieu of the payment. The servant fell to his knees and worshiped the king and said, "Lord have patience with me, and I will pay thee all." The king had compassion on him and forgave him the entire debt. That same servant went out and found a fellow servant who owed him a small amount of money. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded immediate payment. His fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, "Have patience with me, and I will pay you all." The servant rejected his plea and had him thrown into prison. When the king learned what this servant had done, he called him in and reproved him for not doing to his fellow servant what the king had done for him. Then he reinstated the huge debt and sent him off to prison with instructions that the tormentors were to afflict him until he payed every last penny. Jesus concluded the parable by saying, "So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses" (Matthew 18:35; see also vv. 21-35). PERSONAL APPLICATION • Have you made a list of offenders who have caused anger? □ Yes □ No • Have you now forgiven each one as God forgave you? □ Yes □ No • In what ways can you benefit your offenders? 8 Learn How to See Benefits From Anger-Causing Events Many times anger and bitterness come because of tragedies that happen to us or other people. We secretly or openly wonder, "Why does God let innocent people suffer?" Meanwhile, God sees these events from a completely different perspective. He knows that our true happiness is not based on the value or quantity of our possessions or on our personal abilities or appearance, but on the number of positive character qualities we have in our lives. Character qualities such as gratefulness, kindness, and diligence bring true happiness. It is proper and wise, therefore, to ask the question after a tragedy, "Why did God let it happen?" In order to find an answer, we should ask the following questions. 16 1. What character qualities can this tragedy develop in my life? Tragedies have a way of helping us see the importance of people and relationships rather than temporary possessions and money. They teach us patience, kindness, understanding, endurance, contentment, and how to be grateful for what we have. Most of all, they teach us to be more humble, and this quality is essential for success and happiness. 2. Are there failures in my life that have caused this tragedy? Self-examination is vital if we are to have any measure of true happiness or success. When we fail to see the faults in our lives, other people will react to them in ways that will usually make us angry. If we find them ourselves and correct them, we remove this unnecessary cause of anger. 3. How can I help others with the lessons of this tragedy? Once we go through a tragedy, we have a new sensitivity to others who are going through similar problems. There is a joy in being able to help them in the same way that we were helped in our tragedy. When they see the gentleness and understanding that we learned through hardship, they will listen to what we have to say. PERSONAL APPLICATION • What major tragedy has most impacted your life? _________________ • What character qualities could you have learned from this? ______________ • In what way was the tragedy God's discipline? __________________ • Have you been able to help others with the lessons from this tragedy? □ Yes □ No 9 Exchange Your Personal Rights for God's Control . With the root causes of anger removed and that ground regained, we can now deal with the immediate causes of anger. These are usually related to personal rights. Our life is actually made up of many personal rights. We have the right to our possessions, to express our own opinions, to dress the way we choose, to use our free time in the way we want, and many other rights. If anyone denies or violates any of our rights, we tend to react to them in anger. The character quality of meekness is directly related to rights. Meekness is the opposite of anger, because a meek person is one who yields his rights to God. Meekness is actually defined as "our strength under God's control." It is best illustrated by a horse that has learned how to submit to the slightest direction of its master. Notice the special promises and importance that God gives to learning meekness: • God anoints messengers to proclaim the Gospel to the meek. (See Isaiah 61:1.) • Meekness and lowliness of heart are qualities that Christ uses to describe himself. (See Matthew 11:29.) • By learning meekness, we find true rest for our souls. (See Matthew 11:29.) • God will guide the meek with clear direction. (See Psalm 25:9.) 17 • Meekness increases the outward attractiveness of a person. (See I Peter 3:4.) • The meek will increase their joy in the Lord. (See Isaiah 29:19.) No one had more claim to personal rights than the Son of God. Yet He set these all aside in order to come into the world, live a life of complete obedience to His Heavenly Father, and then die a cruel death on the cross. He pleads with us to have the same mental attitude by entrusting all of our rights to Him and then purposing to thank Him for whatever happens. Then, when somebody damages our property or our reputation or violates any other right, we can remind ourselves that we gave those things to God along with the rights to them. Therefore, He is in control, and He must have some very important things to teach us by allowing this person to damage what belongs to Him. At this point it would be important to ask, "Why did God allow this offense to happen?" and then answer the three questions mentioned previously in this booklet. PERSONAL APPLICATION • • • • • Can you trace recent anger to violation of your personal rights? □ Yes □ No What other rights tend to cause anger? _____________________ Is it your desire to gain the quality and rewards of meekness? □ Yes □ No Have you now entrusted all your rights to God for His will? □ Yes □ No Are you prepared to thank God for whatever He allows to happen? □ Yes □ No 10 Establish a Structure of Accountability Someone has wisely observed, "We do not get what we expect, we get only what we inspect." If we are left alone to accomplish a goal, we will often give up in the struggle. However, if someone is there to encourage, direct, exhort and, where necessary, reprove, we can expect far greater results. If we are serious about conquering anger, we will become accountable to those around us for daily victory, and we will ask an older, wiser friend to help us achieve this important goal. One wise father asked his wife and children to let him know any time they detected symptoms of anger. Another father who could not seem to conquer anger suddenly found the ability to do it when he agreed to pay each family member $20 each time he got angry. He quickly learned that he could not afford to get angry. Whether or not we have someone holding us accountable for anger resolution now, we can be certain of one thing: God is keeping careful records of each time we get angry, and in the coming judgment, we must answer to Him for all our actions. "For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad" (II Corinthians 5:10). PERSONAL APPLICATION • Do you need to be accountable to someone for anger resolution? □ Yes □ No • Who would be the best one to hold you accountable? ________________ • Will you faithfully report your progress in these ten steps? □ Yes □ No 18 CHARACTER QUALITIES REQUIRED TO RESOLVE ANGER 1 Patience Patience is an opposite of anger. It is the reward of seeing irritations and trials from a higher point of view. In fact, the very situations that normally produce anger are designed to produce patience, according to Romans 5:3-5: " ... We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." 2 Long-Su££ ering Whereas patience is putting up with the inadequacies in others, long-suffering deals with willful or repeated hurts that others cause us. As the word implies, the longer we can suffer in a situation without becoming irritated or angry, the more long-suffering we are. To be long-suffering is to put up with a painful situation over which we have no control. 3 Mercy Mercy is withholding from an offender the punishment that he deserves. Any form of anger is a means of punishing those who have wronged us. Therefore, to understand how to show mercy is a definite way to resolve anger. The most effective way to be merciful toothers is to remind ourselves of the awesome punishment that we would be experiencing if God gave us what we deserved. 4 Kindness Kindness is doing good things to those around us regardless of their merit, or lack of it. It is treating each person with the same cheerfulness and helpfulness. Our pattern of being kind is illustrated by God Who, in kindness, gives rain and sunshine to the just and the unjust. Kindness is using offenses to see the deeper needs. It is looking for qualities to praise. 5 Gentleness Anger is harsh, insensitive, and damaging to all who are in its path. Gentleness is just the opposite. It is gracious and understanding, even when under pressure. Gentleness looks beyond the present situations and sees the true feelings of others. ) 6 Forgiveness Forgiveness is the sincere response of showing mercy to an offender. It is releasing an offender from the consequences of his transgression. It is made possible by reminding ourselves of how much we have been forgiven. 19 il1]ii1mlrni1 P02551