Conversationally Speaking: Tested New Ways To Increase Conversation Skills PDF

Copyright © 2017 by Alan Garner. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of...

Copyright © 2017 by Alan Garner. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. ISBN: 978-1-26-011728-8 MHID: 1-26-011728-6. The material in this eBook also appears in the print version of this title: ISBN: 978-1-56-565629-1, MHID: 1-56-565629-6. eBook conversion by codeMantra Version 1.0 All trademarks are trademarks of their respective owners. Rather than put a trademark symbol after every occurrence of a trademarked name, we use names in an editorial fashion only, and to the benefit of the trademark owner, with no intention of infringement of the trademark. Where such designations appear in this book, they have been printed with initial caps. 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This limitation of liability shall apply to any claim or cause whatsoever whether such claim or cause arises in contract, tort or otherwise. To my parents ACKNOWLEDGMENTS To the teachers, colleagues, and friends who have enriched both this book and my life: Gary Goldstein, Jack Curtis, Joanne Dolinar, and Elisabeth Jakab, my editors Dean George Blanc and Kris Lauderdale, Orange Coast College Dean John Wordes, Golden West College Dr. Dominic LaRusso, University of Oregon Dr. Frank Oomkes, University of Wageningen Dr. Gerald Kranzler, University of Oregon Dr. Gerald Phillips, Pennsylvania State University Dr. Jules Zentner, UCLA Dr. Manuel Selya, Dr. Doris McCoy, and Ken Zugman, M.S.W. Dr. Susan Glaser and Dr. Peter Glaser, University of Oregon Dr. Waldo Phelps, UCLA Elly, Dan, Mr. Aaron, and Sarah Wolf George Manning, Allan Pease, and Fleming Mølback Herb Dreyer, PJ Dempsey, and Nancy Sullivan Jack and Myra Moskowitz Jim and Sweety Nelson and Phillis Volpe Joel, David, Michael, and Ellen Moskowitz Mary Jane, Sandy Tompkins, and Lynn Glaser Sarah, Irwin, Roz, and Leanna Wolfe Steve Farmer, MSW, and Nicole and Catherine Farmer Dr. Doris McCoy Merrill Kaplan Thank You. Alan Garner CONTENTS Introduction to the Third Edition ONE Asking Questions That Promote Conversation TWO Delivering Honest Positives THREE Listening So Others Will Talk FOUR Taking Advantage of Free Information FIVE Letting Others Know Who You Are SIX Starting Conversations SEVEN Issuing Invitations That Are Likely to Be Accepted EIGHT Handling Criticism Constructively NINE Resisting Attempts at Manipulation TEN Requesting Change ELEVEN Conveying Meaning by Motion TWELVE Reducing Anxiety in Social Situations THIRTEEN Organizing Your Efforts The Beginning Notes Selected References Index Introduction to the Third Edition  Conversationally Speaking has become the most popular book in the world for teaching conversation skills. I have been helping people learn these skills for twenty years, and I’m always delighted to see the big, positive changes that these skills make in their lives. Most people think that some of us are born with the “gift of gab” and some of us aren’t. But the truth is that there is no “gift of gab.” People who are good at conversation just know a few simple skills that anyone can learn. These skills are like tools. Imagine trying to hammer a nail—with a screwdriver. Or cutting wood—with a shovel. Very difficult. It would take you five times as long, and you’d still end up doing a bad job. A screwdriver and a shovel simply aren’t the right tools. But, with the right tools—a hammer and a saw—you could do these jobs well and with very little effort. The same is true for conversational tools and skills. You do the best you can with what skills you have, but the skills you have often aren’t right for the job. Consequently, you don’t do nearly as well socially as you might. Researchers in the fields of communication and psychology have identified several specific skills vital for social effectiveness. Further, they have found that these skills can be learned in a relatively short time. Unfortunately, these research findings have appeared, for the most part, only in academic journals, and the skills involved are taught at only a handful of universities. I developed the Conversationally Speaking workshop and have written this book to fill in this gap and teach these skills in an interesting, straightforward, and nontechnical manner. The success of my efforts has far exceeded my expectations. Over 50,000 students have taken my workshop, and the public and professional response to this book has been continuous and growing. Further, the skills I’m about to share with you have turned out to be just as valid in other languages—foreign editions with exotic-sounding titles like Samtaleteknik and Praten met plezier have become popular throughout the world. One note of caution before we begin: Just as reading a book about skiing won’t, by itself, make you a more skillful skier and reading a book about bodybuilding won’t, by itself, improve your muscle tone, so simply reading this book won’t do much for your social skills. Improving your social skills will take both reading and lots of consistent, dedicated practice. Read no more than one chapter per sitting, and begin using each skill immediately after you learn it. The last chapter will provide you with a workable way to structure your efforts, should you require it. should you require it. I’ve enjoyed writing this book, and I think you’ll be excited to see how learning a few simple skills can produce big improvements in your social life. CHAPTER ONE Asking Questions That Promote Conversation  Scott,* a 52-year-old construction contractor, reporting on his efforts to talk to his neighbors: I tried, I really did. I asked them a question and didn’t get much of an answer. So I asked another. And then another. After a while, I felt like I was an FBI agent interrogating suspects rather than a man trying to make pleasant conversation with the people next door. Lisa, a 22-year-old saleswoman, conversing with me prior to a workshop: LISA: How long have you been teaching this class? ALAN: Oh, about ten years. LISA: Do you teach it often? ALAN: Yes. LISA: Do you teach anything else? ALAN: Yes, I teach Speech at National University. LISA: Where’s that? ALAN: In San Diego. LISA: Where did you get your education? ALAN: UCLA, and I went to Oregon for graduate school. LISA: Where do you live? ALAN: Laguna Hills. LISA: Where’s that? ALAN: I’d say it’s about seventy-five miles north of San Diego. Everyone asks questions, but few people know how to ask questions in ways that effectively promote conversation. When your questions elicit little response, the problem may not be that your conversational partners are unfriendly or uninterested or that the situation isn’t right. The fault may lie simply in the type of questions you ask or in the way you phrase them. There are two types of questions you can pose: closed-ended and open-ended. CLOSED-ENDED QUESTIONS Closed-ended questions are like true-false or multiple-choice questions in that Closed-ended questions are like true-false or multiple-choice questions in that they request only a one- or two-word reply. For example: “Where are you from?” “Do you go jogging?” “Shall we have dinner tonight at 5:30, 6:00, or 6:30?” “Do you think all atomic power plants should be shut down?” Closed-ended questions are valuable for getting others to disclose specific facts about themselves that you may wish to explore in greater detail (“I was born in Detroit, but I grew up in Huntsville, Alabama.” “Yes, I jog three miles a day.”) and for getting them to state definite positions (“Six o’clock is fine with me.” “I don’t want those we have shut down, but I don’t favor building any more either.”) While they have a definite role to play, closed-ended questions lead to dull conversations followed by awkward silences when they are used exclusively. People answering a series of closed-ended questions soon feel, as Scott said, like they’re being interrogated by the FBI. OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS You have to follow up your closed-ended questions with open-ended ones if you want to keep your conversations going and allow them to achieve greater interest and depth. Open-ended questions are like essay questions in that they promote answers of more than a word or two. They ask for explanations and elaborations, while showing your conversational partners (much to their delight!) that you are so interested in what they have said that you want to know more. For instance, once Lisa had found out that I’ve been teaching Conversationally Speaking for about ten years, instead of going on to a second, unrelated closed-ended question, she might have followed up with one of these open-ended questions: “How did you happen to develop the idea for the workshop?” “In what ways has the course changed in that time?” “What did you do to get it offered here?” “Tell me what your plans are for the course in the future.” (This is an open-ended question phrased as a request.) Having asked someone where he’s from and having found out he’s from  Having asked someone where he’s from and having found out he’s from Huntsville, you might ask him open-ended questions like: “How did you happen to move here from Huntsville?” “How’s the weather in Alabama different from what we have here?” “What was the best part of growing up in Huntsville?” Having learned that someone favors keeping existing atomic power plants operating but doesn’t want more built, you might ask her these open-ended questions: “How do you think we might deal with the waste the reactors we now have produce?” “What’s the best way for someone to help stop more plants from being built?” “If more plants aren’t built, what do you think the nation could do to secure additional power?” You can observe from these examples that open- and closed-ended questions begin, for the most part, with different words. The following lists should help you in starting off your questions: Closed-Ended Both Open-Ended Are? What? How? Do? Why? Who? In what way? When? Where? Which? You may have speculated that some people would probably answer many of the closed-ended questions you’ve read in open-ended ways. While this is true, your conversational partners are likely to answer open-ended questions at consistently greater length because they actively encourage speaking freely. When you ask open-ended questions, others can relax, knowing that you want them to get involved and express themselves fully. QUESTION-ASKING INCREASES YOUR CONTROL You need never be stuck in boring conversations because, when you ask questions, you control to a large extent what topics are discussed. Let’s suppose a friend tells you, “I just got back from France.” Here are some of the many questions you could choose to have him answer, depending upon your interests: “What was the weather like there?” “How did you manage to communicate with the French?” “Tell me the most memorable thing that happened.” “How did you manage to get hotel rooms over there?” “In what way was the food there different from what we have here?” If someone introduces herself to you as a high school counselor, you could choose from these questions to ask: “Why did you decide to become a counselor?” “What did you have to do to enter the field?” “Tell me some problems that kids often come to you with.” “What role are drugs playing on campus today?” “How does listening to troubles all day affect your outlook on life?” Or, if you don’t want to talk at all about her job, you could open-endedly ask, “What do you do for fun when you’re not counseling?” In choosing which questions to ask, keep in mind two considerations: First, only ask questions when you genuinely want to hear what the other person has to say. No matter how skillful you are, if you just go through the motions, others will eventually sense that you’re merely trying to trick them into liking you. Second, strive to maintain dual perspective. Having dual perspective means thinking not just in terms of what you want to say and hear but also in terms of the other person’s interests. The worst bores of all are oblivious to the wants and needs of others. For me, they are epitomized by a distinguished-looking gentleman I once heard telling a lady at a cocktail party, “Enough of all this talking about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?” Incidentally, you will find being sincere and maintaining dual perspective of  Incidentally, you will find being sincere and maintaining dual perspective of tremendous importance in effectively using all the other skills covered in this book as well. COMMON MISTAKES IN ASKING QUESTIONS Asking Questions That Are Too Open-Ended Midge, the wife of a university administrator, said at a recent workshop in New York that she’s becoming bored with her life. Why? “Because all day long, all I’ve got for company is a three-year-old and an infant. So when Mel comes home and I ask him, ‘How’d it go today?’ I really want to know. But what does he say? ‘Oh, the usual.’ Then he turns on the TV and that’s that.” Midge had been making several simple errors: First, her inquiry was too broad in scope. Asking questions is like turning faucets in that the more open they are, the more response you get—up to a point. Very open-ended questions like Midge’s (as well as “What’s new?” “What have you been up to lately?” and “Tell me about yourself.”) would require so much effort and time to answer that most people give up without even trying. Second, “How’d it go today?” sounds more like a cliché question intended to open the lines of communication than a genuine request for information. Cliché questions generally elicit cliché answers like “Pretty good” or “Not bad.” Finally, Midge asked the same question every day. Not only did this add to the likelihood of it being considered a cliché, but the thought of answering the same unimaginatively posed query over and over again probably bored her husband. I suggested to Midge that she read the campus newspaper and her local paper daily. Then I suggested that, after leaving her husband a little time to relax, she ask him more specific open-ended questions about interesting topics her husband was familiar with. Here’s how it went: That night, I told Mel I’d heard that the school was thinking about reinstituting the foreign language requirement for liberal arts students. I asked him what he thought about this issue. This led to our discussing whether learning a foreign language helps students better understand other peoples. We shared our own experiences, which led to a fun time trying to converse in rusty high school French. Finally, when we were all talked out and very happy, he gave me a little kiss  when we were all talked out and very happy, he gave me a little kiss and whispered, “Ah, Madame, yu arrr magnifique!” Now, how’s that for a successful experiment? How indeed! Beginning with Difficult Questions An Arizona real estate agent named Kendy once revealed to me this trick of the trade: When a new client walks in the door, I don’t ask him what he has in mind. That’s too hard a question to start out with. He’d just become nervous and withdrawn. And if I pressed him, he’d probably withdraw all the way out the door. Instead, I ask what type of place he’s living in right now. That puts him at ease, gets him feeling comfortable around me. After a while, either he or I will shift the conversation around to what he’s got in mind. Kendy’s advice applies to social occasions as well. It’s usually best to start with simple questions about topics others are likely to be interested in and familiar with. Asking Leading Questions Leading questions are the most closed-ended possible, in that they only invite agreement. For instance: “It’s already eight-thirty. Shouldn’t we stay home tonight?” “You don’t think they’re right, do you?” “Two hours of TV is enough for one evening, don’t you think?” Asking leading questions in court has earned many a lawyer a reprimand, and asking them in social situations isn’t likely to do your relationships much good either. Disagreeing Before Asking Questions When someone voices an opinion that you disagree with and you want to explore your differences, voice your disagreement after—not before—asking him his reasons for feeling as he does. For example, I once met a man in Pennsylvania who told me hunting is his favorite sport. I dislike the very thought Pennsylvania who told me hunting is his favorite sport. I dislike the very thought of hunting, but instead of saying so and letting my subsequent questions sound like an inquisition, I asked what he liked best about it. Our discussion gave me insights into the challenge he finds in the sport and the vital role he sees hunters like himself playing in the ecological cycle. Not Being Able to Think of Things to Ask If you have the opportunity to prepare some questions in advance, you may well have an easier time than if you rely solely upon your ability to think up things to ask on the spur of the moment. Consider this experience Wayne, a Los Angeles ice cream company executive, wrote me about: Friday, I took a young man named Curtis to a banquet that’s held every year to honor new Eagle Scouts. Last year’s dinner hadn’t worked out at all—the Scout and I mostly ate our food and sat there in silence. So this year I did some homework. I thought up some questions I’d have liked to have been asked when I was a Boy Scout —what I’d done to earn such and such merit badge, what practical jokes I’d played or heard about, what types of bridges I’d built and how, what my first hike had been like, what contact I’d had with Girl Scouts. It worked! We had so much to talk about, we just didn’t want to stop. This year, instead of escaping as soon as possible after the banquet, I took Curtis out for a malt. Teria, a UC San Diego sophomore, has found preparation valuable in a different way: When I used to phone someone, especially my dad in Panama, I’d almost always forget to mention important news or ask a pressing question. This left me regularly having to either phone back and sound stupid or forget the whole thing. Lately, I’ve been making lists. Now I can relax, knowing I won’t say goodbye until every item is checked off. You may also find it useful and interesting to memorize some stock questions which you can always have around to stimulate conversation. My own favorites include: “If you could be anyone in history, who would you choose?  “If you could be anyone in history, who would you choose? (Pause for answer.) Why?” “What teacher do you remember best and why?” “If you had to choose another profession (or another major), what would it be? (Pause.) Why? “If you could spend a week anywhere in the world, where would you choose and what would you do there?” One final note: It will require deliberate effort for you to begin asking open- ended questions. But as with walking and handwriting and all the other skills you’ve ever learned, after a while you’ll be doing it automatically. *Names cited in this book have frequently been changed. CHAPTER TWO Delivering Honest Positives  An old grouch lived with his wife for twenty-one years and never spoke a single word. Then one morning at breakfast, he broke the silence with “Darling, sometimes when I think how much you mean to me, it is almost more than I can do to keep from telling you.” —From Letters to Karen1 Praise him? I should congratulate that bum for passing P.E. and English? What about History and Woodshop and Math? All F’s: F! F! F!... I should say, “Wonderful son, you’re well on your way to becoming a garbage man!?” NO! I just haven’t been hard enough on him. That’s the problem! —Gill Most of us take it for granted when people around us act in ways that please us. Few mothers ever praise their children for eating or playing cooperatively. Few neighbors ever thank each other for being quiet in the evening. It’s only when others don’t act the way we want them to that we pay them special attention—and quickly! Then we criticize and explain in detail why their behavior is “bad” or “wrong” and why they really should do what we want them to do. Some people scream and threaten, and even beat others, to gain compliance. REINFORCED RESPONSES RECUR Ignoring behavior that you like and punishing behavior that you don’t like is a poor way of helping others learn how you want to be treated. According to behavioral learning theory, the way others act toward you is determined in large part by how you respond. Actions which you reward will tend to increase in frequency, while actions you ignore will tend to decrease. Actions you punish will decrease, unless the other person is seeking attention, in which case he may continue the behavior, preferring punishment to no notice at all. (Witness the joy with which many children take to swearing once they discover the enormous negative reaction certain words elicit.)  Behavioral scientists refer to this theory as the three R’s: reinforced responses recur. You may find it easier to remember it in chart form: To carry this point one step further: People are more-likely to continue acting the way you want them to if you reward them for doing so than they are if you punish them for acting differently. Let me illustrate these points by telling you about a student of mine in Oregon who would frequently spot me eating between classes and ask to join me. Shortly after we had exchanged greetings, Tim would always find some excuse to start complaining about the rain and cold, about the way his ex-wife had treated him, and about how boring and thankless his job was. I knew that Tim was in no serious emotional difficulty and so I decided to change his behavior around me by responding only to his occasional cheerful and optimistic remarks. When he mentioned that a neighbor was helping him fix his car, or that an exciting performer was coming to town, or that he had run into an old friend, I smiled and nodded and asked him open-ended questions. When he became negative, I ignored him. I’d look around at a passerby or I’d start picking apart my sandwich. In a short while, his behavior changed completely and he became good natured and upbeat around me. Every time I saw him he’d greet me with a hello and a smile and some good news. Before I returned to California, he confided that those moments with me were often the best part of his day. With everyone else, you see, he was just as grumpy and negative as ever. At a San Francisco Conversationally Speaking workshop, after I related both this story and the fact that it’s more effective to reward behavior you like than it is to punish behavior you don’t like, two women immediately burst out with the following: MERLE: That really explains a lot. You see, my children haven’t been calling as often as I’d like, so when they do call, I’ve been very cold and distant-sounding to them. Kind of like Mrs. Portnoy in that book: “Alex? Alex? Do I have a son named Alex? Oh yes, I used to have one, but I haven’t heard from him in years.” [Laughs] All this has gotten me is a big fat nothing—fewer calls than ever, in fact. Maybe it’s time to change my tune.  ABBY: I help supervise a group of Brownies. You know, take them to the county fair and to Great America. The girls seem to constantly tattle on each other to me, while leaving all the other adults alone. I’ve always wondered, why me? I certainly don’t like hearing that sort of thing. Now I realize that the way I’d been paying attention and asking questions and working out settlements for all these disputes— all that had been terrifically rewarding! From now on, I think it would be better for me to tell them to settle their own problems. Not only does it make sense to deliver honest positives in order to encourage others to continue acting the way you want them to act, but it also makes sense simply because it makes it more likely they will feel good about you. According to psychologist William James, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” If you are one of the very few people (and very likely the only person) in others’ lives who satisfies this “craving to be appreciated,” you are probably going to be greatly valued as a friend. Evidence shows that complimenting others makes it more likely that you will be seen as sympathetic, understanding, and even attractive. (In contrast, one study found that couples who stopped complimenting each other began finding each other less attractive.) And when others find you expressing your feelings toward them, they are far more likely to open up to you. Thus, with a small amount of effort, you can set up positive exchanges which will help build warmth and intimacy in your relationships. A final, and extremely important, reason for delivering positives is that they help to produce an open and supportive climate in which people around you can grow and realize their potential as human beings. Many people believe that if they express admiration for an acceptance of their children, friends, coworkers, and spouses, these people will become lazy and begin to rest on their laurels. So their way of encouraging others is to take the attitude that “enough is never enough” and to endlessly find room for improvement. For example, a close relative of mine, after slaving for years to do well at UCLA, was told by his mother, “You know, I used to think it was a big deal to make Phi Beta Kappa— until you got it.” A Seattle artist named Marie lived with parents who practiced this strategy for years: If I took out the wash, my mother would tell me it was about time I helped around the house. If I got all A’s and one B, Dad would ask what I did wrong to get the B. One time when I was little, I really  what I did wrong to get the B. One time when I was little, I really tried to keep my shoes in shape, and they lasted for a record six months. But what did my father do when I smilingly showed them to him? He brought out a pair he said he’d bought in Kansas City— twenty years ago! After that, I realized I was just never going to win with them. Considerable psychological evidence suggests that this “negative” strategy not only seldom works but is often actually harmful. Rather than continuing to strive endlessly for approval, people who receive only negative feedback generally tend to become exceedingly cautious and self-conscious and begin seeing themselves as inadequate. After a while, they may simply give up. Among those few who are stirred on to great achievement by this strategy, fewer still enjoy their success. Most, echoing critical voices from the past, find something to lament. One such person, who made $150,000 last year working sixteen-hour days, recently confided to me in all apparent seriousness that, with his brains, he really should have pulled in $300,000. HOW TO EFFECTIVELY DELIVER DIRECT POSITIVES2 The most common way to express admiration is to deliver a direct positive. This type of compliment tells people in a straightforward manner what it is you appreciate about their behavior, appearance, and possessions. When I bring up this skill in workshops, I usually begin by asking my students to compliment me or someone else in the class. Here are the first compliments I got one time in each category: BEHAVIOR: “You’re a good teacher.” APPEARANCE: “You have a nice haircut.” POSSESSIONS: “I like your shoes.” Positives like these can be improved and heightened in two ways: 1. Be specific: Your positive statements will be stronger and more believable if you tell others exactly what you like and make it evident that each remark applies uniquely to the person you are addressing and not just to anyone. For example:  BEHAVIOR: “I like the way you come around during exercises and give each of us your personal attention.” APPEARANCE: “I think that new styling really highlights your eyes.” POSSESSIONS: “Those tan loafers go well with your khaki pants.” 2. Say the person’s name: It has been recognized since Plato and Socrates that most people consider their name to be the most beautiful sound in the world and that they pay more attention to sentences in which it appears. In addition, using a person’s name is yet another way of showing that each compliment you pay is tailored uniquely to fit that person alone. For example: BEHAVIOR: “Alan, I like the way you come around during exercises and give each of us your personal attention.” APPEARANCE: “Alan, I think that new styling really highlights your eyes.” POSSESSIONS: “Alan, those tan loafers go well with your khaki pants.” HOW TO HELP OTHERS ACCEPT OUR DIRECT POSITIVES Dear Abby: My wife has a habit of down-grading sincere compliments. If I say, “Gee, Hon, you look nice in that dress,” her reply is likely to be, “Do you really think so? It’s just a rag my sister gave me.” Or if I tell her she did a great job cleaning up the house, her response might be, “Well, I guess you haven’t seen the kids’ room.” I find it hard to understand why she can’t accept a compliment without putting herself down. And it hurts me a little. How do you explain it, Abby? —Perplexed3 In all likelihood, you too have found that many people have a hard time accepting your direct compliments. Out of a sense of modesty or because they simply can’t think of other ways to reply, they often deny the validity of your simply can’t think of other ways to reply, they often deny the validity of your praise and thus discourage you from paying them more compliments in the future. BEHAVIOR: “Oh, I’m just doing my job.” APPEARANCE: “I think the stylist cut it too short, myself.” POSSESSIONS: “You like these old shoes?” Whatever the reason for this problem, there is something you can do to make compliments easier and more rewarding for you to give and for others to receive: You can follow your compliments with questions. (Open-ended questions are best, but anything is fine.) That way, when others hear your compliments, instead of having to fumble about for a response, they can simply thank you and answer your questions. Here, then, is what our original direct positives look like after they have been made specific, have had the recipient’s name added, and have been followed by a question: BEHAVIOR: “Alan, I like the way you come around during exercises and give each of us your personal attention. Tell me, what’s the single most common error that you observe?” APPEARANCE: “Alan, I think that new layered styling really highlights your eyes. How did you happen to try it?” POSSESSIONS: “Alan, those tan loafers go well with your khaki pants. What made you decide to select that style?” TURNING NEGATIVES INTO DIRECT POSITIVES When you set your mind to it, you can almost always find some way to turn destructive criticism into constructive praise. If nothing else, instead of criticizing others for failing, you can compliment them for improving in some small way or for at least trying. Consider these examples: Instead of saying You could say...... “Patty, I think it’s great you told your “Too bad you boss what you want, even if you didn’t  “Too bad you boss what you want, even if you didn’t didn’t get the get it. What do you suppose you can do raise. next to change his mind?” “Valerie, I like the paragraph where “This story you Armond is being forced to either marry wrote is or walk the plank. The adjectives you ridiculous.” used made it come alive for me. Where did you get the idea for that scene?” “It took you five “You stuck it out, Joanne. Not everyone years to graduate? could have done that. What are you doing What was your to celebrate?” problem?” “Oops! You fell down again! Guess you’ll have “Congratulations Oly! You walked a step to wait a few more farther than yesterday!” months before you can reach me.” In cases where someone is doing something you don’t like, you can most effectively encourage a change by rewarding whatever instances you see of the behavior you prefer and by ignoring the behavior you want discontinued. Instead of saying. You could say..... “You left your shirt in the “Thanks for putting your stockings in the bathroom again. hamper, Laura. Little things you do like This must be the that really help me a lot. Tell me what eleventh time this you want for dinner tonight and it’s week I’ve talked to yours.” you about this.” “I’m glad you like English, Tony. Your “What an idiot! teacher tells me you’re especially fond of  “What an idiot! teacher tells me you’re especially fond of How could you be Alexander Pope. May I see a poem of his so stupid as to fail you like?” (You could also praise three of your five whatever effort or progress he makes in subjects?” the three subjects he failed.) “What do you mean, ‘We’re going to the show.’ (On another occasion) “I’m glad you Am I some animal asked me where I want to go tonight, you drag around Don. It makes me feel that my opinion without even really counts with you.” asking what I want to do?” (On another occasion) “Veal cutlet! “Ugh! Another TV Thanks, Hon, I really go for home- dinner!” cooked food. What’s your recipe for this?” If someone never acts the way you wish, you can praise the behavior of others who do act in the desired fashion. Also, you can tell such a person what you want and, sometimes, even offer praise in advance for doing it, as illustrated by Melinda’s efforts to alter her husband’s way of giving a back rub: When my husband would push too hard or rub me the wrong way [laughs]—I mean too vigorously— I used to put up with it as long as I could and then angrily shout, “Stop it!” He would freeze and stiffen up and it totally spoiled the mood. Then I tried being positive, saying things like, “I’d love it if you’d push just a little more gently.” Or, “That’s terrific. Now just a bit lower and more to the right.... Great!” Not only did I feel good because I started getting what I wanted, but he became more confident and spontaneous because he knew he was pleasing me. It’s important that your verbal message be matched by your nonverbal message. Generally, this means using the SOFTEN behaviors outlined in the eleventh chapter. A wide variety of direct positives can be effectively delivered without words, as can be seen from this experience related by a retired engineer named Frank, whose granddaughter left him alone with her infant: named Frank, whose granddaughter left him alone with her infant: When Kim left to go shopping, the baby was sleeping. But wouldn’t you know it? Soon as she drove away, Joy started crying up a storm! I picked her up and held her close to my chest as I rocked back and forth and sang “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” over and over. I tried to really let her feel how much I loved her. After she’d quieted down, I picked her way up in the air and made a funny face. As usual, that got a laugh out of her. Then a tickle and a kiss on her big, fat tummy and we got down on all fours and started playing “Catch me if you can” when Kim walked in. Is this any way for an old man like me to act? You bet it is! HOW TO MAKE YOUR DIRECT POSITIVES BELIEVABLE It is advisable to be honest with your direct positives. If the other person suspects even once that you’re being dishonest, she is less likely to fully accept future compliments. Besides, by being dishonest, all you do is mislead people and increase the frequency of behavior you don’t really care for. Still, it’s not enough to be honest and sincere. If your compliments are to be effective (and affective), the other person has to believe that they are honest and sincere. Being specific, mentioning the other person’s name, and smiling will certainly help in this regard. In addition, positives will be more believable if you do the following: 1. Start by paying only one compliment every few days to each of your friends and then slowly increase the frequency with which you praise them. If you’ve seldom had a kind word for anyone, even one positive remark will receive a great deal of notice. 2. Phrase your compliments conservatively at first. Sudden, lavish expressions of appreciation will surely arouse suspicion. Along these lines, one study suggests that it is best to refer to new acquaintances by name only occasionally. 3. Offer positives only when you don’t want anything. If you tell a coworker how intelligent and creative you find him and then ask for $5 until payday,  it’s unlikely your praise will be prized. 4. Don’t always be positive; be negative about inconsequential matters. The comments of completely positive people are seldom accorded much credence. For example: “Thanks for lending me your calculator, Jim. It wasn’t easy to figure out how to work it, but once I did, it was a big help in drawing up my estimates. Tell me, what does the sign on this button mean?” 5. Don’t return the same compliment to others that they have expresed to you. For example: “I like your jacket.” “I like your jacket too.” Praise like this sounds perfunctory, as though it is being voiced merely in order to say something nice in return. 6. Favorably compare the person’s behavior, appearance, or possessions to others’. For example: “Annette, this is the second month running you’ve been the store’s top seller. What’s your secret?” “Don, I think you have the best build of anyone at school. What do you do to keep in shape?” Compare these for probable impact with a compliment I received last week from a young lady I met while walking on the beach: “I like you... I like everyone!” On the other hand, you can go overboard with your comparisons. I recall how a woman once detailed at such great length why she found me unique that I began feeling like a freak. OTHER POSITIVES YOU CAN USE Third-Person Positives. These are compliments intended to ultimately reach someone other than the person you are addressing. You can deliver a third person positive by telling it to someone within earshot of the person to whom it is intended. Or, you can tell it to someone (like a best friend) who is likely to pass it on. Praise delivered publicly in this manner is even more believable and even more valuable than praise delivered privately. Last Thursday, I experienced the more valuable than praise delivered privately. Last Thursday, I experienced the power of a third-person positive when I told the brother of an old friend named Ira that I was delighted that Ira still finds time to drop by now and then, despite his burgeoning success as an actor. Ira phoned that night to tell me how tremendously pleased he was with what I had said about him and to invite me to a dinner party. Relayed Positives: This compliment involves someone mentioning that he likes the behavior, appearance, or possessions of another and your passing on the message. As with direct positives, it’s a good idea to follow these up with a question. Indirect Positives: In this type of compliment, your words or actions signal admiration, although that admiration is not expressed directly. For example, when you ask a woman for advice, you are indirectly telling her that you value her judgment. When you ask a man for his name, or refer to him by name, you are indirectly signaling that he is significant to you. According to Robert Saudek, who worked with him on the TV series Profiles in Courage, President Kennedy’s manner indirectly conveyed respect: He made you think he had nothing else to do except ask you questions and listen—with extraordinary concentration—to your answers. You knew that for the time being he had blotted out both the past and the future. Here are some examples of indirect compliments, supplied to me by students: JOYCE: Last Saturday, my husband told me, “I want to spend the weekend just with you.” We brought the kids to my aunt and took a long, leisurely drive up the coast to Monterey. Every couple of hours, we stopped to walk along the beach hand-in-hand or to eat at some little roadside restaurant—and sometimes just to kiss. ART: Steve, a friend from high school, calls to wish me a happy birthday every year. For the past couple of years, he’s been the only one who’s remembered—and boy, am I glad! VIRGINIA: My son brought me flowers one time—and it wasn’t even my birthday! CAROL: One smoggy day while I was sitting around coughing, my big brother wheeled up in his sports car, said, “Get in,” and whisked me  away to Skyline Park on the top of Mt. Wilson. Now I know how Cinderella felt! MONA: Sandy, a friend from—oh, let’s just say from when I was young —would take out this lovely shawl and start knitting it whenever I was over. I asked her who it was for, but she just said she didn’t know. Then, one day she handed it to me and said, “This is for you because I love you.” Well, I started to cry and we hugged each other and, oh, I’ll just never forget it. ALAN (your author): On the morning of a difficult and important seminar I was teaching for government employees, a friend named Bob Badal came over especially to prepare my breakfast. It was no ordinary breakfast! He brought New York steaks, brown eggs, several types of imported cheese, strawberries, and fresh-squeezed orange juice! I was overwhelmed and feel, to this day, that his gesture told me more about how much he values me and our friendship than he could ever have expressed with words. HOW TO EFFECTIVELY RECEIVE POSITIVES When you start paying others more compliments, you will in all probability start receiving more yourself. If you want these positive exchanges to continue, it’s important that you help those who compliment you to feel good about speaking openly. If you turn away, deny their compliments, or change the subject, it’s unlikely that will happen. On the other hand, if you look a man in the eye and respond positively, he is likely to feel gratified. Now, if he has skillfully followed his compliment with a question, all you need do is smile, thank him, and answer. If he hasn’t, you can smile, thank him—and perhaps even tell him how you feel about the compliment. Here are some sample responses contributed by students: JAMES: When my wife told me what a good father I am for taking so much time to play with the girls, I hugged her and said, “I’m glad you see how hard I’m trying. My dad never spent much time with me and I’m making a special effort not to make that mistake.” CARLA: A neighbor told me, “Your car looks nice,” and I replied, “Thanks, Ann. I washed and waxed it all morning and your noticing makes me feel great!” BEVERLY: My sister said something like, “I love this room. It seems like it would be such a cheerful place to wake up in.” And I said, “Thanks, Eve. I designed it with exactly that thought in mind!” CHAPTER THREE Listening So Others Will Talk ACTIVE LISTENING Active listening is a remarkable way of responding that encourages others to continue speaking while enabling you to be certain that you understand what they are saying. To effectively use this skill, you need first to grasp what happens when someone speaks to you. Interpersonal communication begins intrapersonally. Someone has a feeling or idea to express to you. In order to convey his message, he must first put it into verbal and nonverbal codes that you will understand. What codes he selects, what words and gestures and tone of voice he uses to convey his meaning, will be determined by his purpose, the situation, and his relationship with you, as well as by such factors as his age, status, education, cultural background and emotional state. The process of translating mental ideas and feelings into messages is called encoding. Suppose, for example, that you are playing a Barbra Streisand tape for a friend. He’s enjoying the music, but wants it softer. You can’t read his mind, so to let you know, he encodes his feelings and shouts above the tape, “TURN IT DOWN!” Once delivered, the message passes through a channel (normally the airspace between you or a telephone wire). Other sounds in the channel will often distort the message. In this example, Barbra Streisand’s loud singing may produce quite a bit of distortion, and the message your ears pick up may be very different from what was sent.  Further distortion inevitably occurs when you decode the message, assigning meaning to the verbal and nonverbal signs you have received. Out of the approximately 40,000 impulses your toes, ears, eyes, hands, and the rest of you receive each second, you can only pick out a few to focus your attention on. What you pick is heavily influenced by such factors as your expectations, needs, beliefs, interests, attitudes, experience, and knowledge. According to Sathré, Olson, and Whitney, in Let’s Talk, “It has been said that we hear half of what is said, we listen to half of that, and we remember half of that.”4 We all tend to hear what we want to hear and see what we want to see. As Fritz Perls, the founder of the Gestalt therapy movement, put it: The pictures of the world do not enter us automatically, but selectively. We don’t see, we look for, search, scan for something. We don’t hear all the sounds of the world, we listen.5 For this reason, the message intended by the sender is often far different from the one you create from the available signs. Your impression often doesn’t come close to equaling the other person’s intention. In our example, if you correctly interpreted the sender’s message, you would conclude only that he wanted the music turned lower. But if you interpreted it to mean, “I’m angry at you,” you might well respond inappropriately. Message are often decoded incorrectly, with neither party ever knowing there has been a misunderstanding. This is why active listening is so important. Instead of assuming that your impressions are correct and responding accordingly, with this skill you will be able to make certain that you have decoded accurately.  “You’re angry at me,” you might say in this example. “Is that right?” “No,” the sender would probably reply. “I just want the music turned lower.” Active listening, then, is telling the sender what his message means to you. It enables the sender to know that you are listening while enabling you to have your impression either confirmed or clarified. Here are some other examples of active listening: 1. CLOE: never get a transfer. MARIE: You’re feeling really frustrated. (Active Listening.) CLOE: Yeah. Everyplace I go they tell me to leave a resume. And then they never call. MARIE: You think you’re getting the runaround. (Active Listening.) CLOE: Exactly. If they haven’t got any jobs, why don’t they just say so? 2. HUSBAND: I don’t want you to play cards tonight WIFE: You don’t like me having fun without you. (Active Listening.) HUSBAND: It’s not that. It’s just that I don’t want to be alone tonight. 3. SUE ELLEN: I want to go home. BURT: You’re not enjoying yourself. (Active Listening.) SUE ELLEN: Right. Maybe if the tour guide quit pushing us around every five minutes, it would be better. BURT: You’d rather he gave us more free time. SUE ELLEN: Yes. I think I’ll tell him so right now. 4. DONNA: We never go anyplace. JOE: You’re bored and want us to take a trip. (Active Listening.) DONNA: Yeah. For years we’ve said we’d go see the country when we retired. Now let’s go do it! 5. Active listening once saved my relationship with a female friend. The third time we got together, while strolling hand-in-hand, I told her how much I looked forward to taking her skiing come winter. She looked away and replied, “Well, maybe we won’t still know each other by then.” I decoded her message to mean that she didn’t want to go on seeing me. But rather than accepting that impression as fact and turning cold toward her (in which case she might have concluded that I was rejecting her), I used active listening: “Are you saying you don’t want to see me anymore?” I asked. Her reply was a smile and a hug and, “No, silly. That’s just my roundabout way of saying that I want you to spend more time with me!” WHEN AND HOW TO USE ACTIVE LISTENING Active listening is especially useful in two general situations: 1. When you are not certain you understand what the other person means. 2. When an important or emotionally charged message is being sent. Senders will often cue you to the fact that they are saying something particularly significant by: a. directly referring to it as worthy of notice (“The first thing you need to do is....” “It’s vital for you to understand that....”) b. repeating a message several times. c. placing a point first or last. d. pausing or waiting for eye contact before speaking. e. preceding the message with “ahhh” f. speaking more loudly or softly than usual. g. speaking more slowly than usual. When you employ active listening, concentrate on reflecting the feelings others express, the content, or both, depending upon what you think you may have misunderstood and what you consider most important. To arrive at your statement, silently ask yourself: “What is he feeling?” “What message is she trying to convey?” In feeding back your tentative conclusion, you will usually begin with the word “you” and you may wish to prompt a direct reply by adding at the end, “Am I right?” That way, if your conclusion was right, you’ll know it and if it wasn’t, the sender’s response will usually speak directly to the misunderstanding. ACTIVE LISTENING DEMONSTRATES YOUR ACCEPTANCE If you were to find yourself in each of these problem situations, which of these three responses do you think would be most helpful: 1. A child you know cuts her finger and begins to cry. a. “That’s not such a very big cut.” b. “Stop crying! It doesn’t hurt that bad.” c. “Your finger really hurts a lot.” 2. A close friend confides, “My boss said I’m not working fast enough and he’ll fire me if I don’t shape up.” a. “I guess you’d better put your nose to the grindstone.” b. “You shouldn’t let him get you down. You can always get another job.” c. “Sounds like your job means a lot to you and you’d hate to lose it.” 3. A neighbor laments, “Well, it looks like I’ve exhausted all my alternatives. I’m going to have to invite my mother to move in with me.” a. “Just look at it this way: your mom raised you and now you’re paying her back.” b. “I’ll bet you’re secretly pleased to be living with her again.” c. “You’re worried about the effect this is going to have on your life.” The first two responses to each example tell others how they should feel or what they should do, or they express approval or disapproval, sympathy, or reassurance. Responses like these seldom help or satisfy those who confide in you. Instead, they generally lead them to conclude that you don’t want to get involved, that you don’t take their feelings seriously, or that you have little faith in their ability to solve their own problems. The third response, the active listening response, would probably have quite another result. Being encouraged to express fully and freely their emotional reactions helps others to become more relaxed and calm around you. Having their problems understood and reflected—but left with them—shows them that you have faith in their ability to arrive at their own solutions. Also, being heard, understood and accepted without criticism by you will inevitably lead others to feel more positive about themselves, warmer toward you, and more interested in hearing what you have to say. Many men and women who read Conversationally Speaking report major improvements in their relationships once they stop judging and begin active listening. A Santa Monica clothing salesman named Aaron related this experience: When my son used to tell me he had received a bad grade, I’d ask, “Why didn’t you study harder?” When my wife would say she’d been late for work, I’d reply, “You should have left earlier.” Once, I recall, my baby girl told me with tears in her eyes that she was afraid of the dark. I replied, “You shouldn’t be. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” My advice was obvious, and all the criticizing and moralizing was causing my family to confide in me less and less. Last week, my wife mentioned that she had gotten into an argument with her sister. Normally, I would have given her advice like, “You’ve only got one sister, so you’d better apologize.” Instead I replied, “Sounds like you’re upset.” Each time she spoke I made it a point to only “active listen”—even though I was dying to give her advice. I was thrilled! She shared thoughts and feelings with me that I never knew she had. I almost felt like I was learning about a stranger. And she seemed delighted by the chance to express herself without being cut off by some glib comment from me. ACTIVE LISTENING KEEPS YOUR CONVERSATION GOING Active listening is an excellent way of encouraging others to talk to you. The interest you show will frequently lead people to expand upon their comments. The fact that you aren’t critical of their thoughts and feelings will help them to feel comfortable and to self-disclose more and in greater depth than they otherwise might. Active listening also helps you solve the age-old problem of not having anything to say. If you’re frequently tongue-tied, you’re probably trying to pay attention to two conversations at once: the one you’re having with the other person and the one you’re having with yourself. (The latter typically consists mostly of worries about your performance. Paradoxically, the more you listen to those worries, the less able you are to do well.) those worries, the less able you are to do well.) Active listening encourages you to set aside this troublesome self-talk, to get involved with what the others are relating, and to experience deeply what they are feeling. You’ll be surprised to find that when you concentrate on your conversational partners rather than on yourself, it will be far easier for you to think of things to say. And, since you’ve paid them such close attention, it will be still more likely that they’ll want to hear it! COMMON MISTAKES IN ACTIVE LISTENING Parroting Many men and women new to active listening find themselves merely rewording the remarks of others. For example: LARRY: I’m having a great time. TED: You’re enjoying yourself. LARRY: The roller coaster is my favorite ride. TED: You like the roller coaster best. LARRY: I hope we don’t have to go now. TED: You want to stay longer. Parroting responses like these give the illusion of understanding. Real active listening involves stating your conclusions as to the meaning behind what the other person has said. Ignoring or Downplaying Feelings 1. WIFE: I feel like I’m on an endless treadmill, taking care of the kids all day. HUSBAND: Those kids certainly keep you busy. 2. MARGARET: I’m depressed. JANET: You’re a little under the weather. Many people ignore or lessen the intensity of the emotions they hear when they use active listening. It’s as though they think feelings that they don’t acknowledge will go away. Exactly the opposite is correct. Failing to acknowledge the validity and intensity of the emotions of others tends to increase their intensity, while demonstrating understanding by active listening increase their intensity, while demonstrating understanding by active listening tends to have a cathartic effect. ACTIVE LISTENING TO NONVERBAL MESSAGES Nonverbal messages are often even more difficult than verbal messages to interpret correctly. This is because the same nonverbal expression (such as a smile or crossed arms) can be indicative of several widely differing emotions. For this reason, it is often helpful to check out your interpretations through this three-step process: 1. Tell the other person what you saw her do and heard her say that leads you to your conclusion. 2. Tell her what meaning you have tentatively attached to her actions. 3. Ask her if your conclusion is correct. For example: 1. “When I asked you to go with me to my macramé class, you quietly said, ‘Sounds like fun,’ and then changed the topic. I don’t think you really want to go. Am I right?” 2. “You just said you like your job, but you frowned. Would it be right to say there are pluses and minuses to what you’re doing?” 3. “You keep yawning, and I wonder if you wouldn’t rather go home.” If you’ve drawn no conclusion, you might simply want to state what you have observed and then ask the other person for an explanation. For instance: “Ever since I met you last month, you’ve only wanted to get together for lunch—never for dinner or a show. I’m curious to know why that is.” “When I mentioned skiing in Vermont just now, a little grin came over your face. I’d love to know what you were thinking.” One of many occasions on which I have found active listening to nonverbal messages particularly important was when a college friend named Angie suddenly stopped returning my hellos. After this went on for almost a week, I said to her, “Angie, I’ve been smiling and saying hello to you for five days straight and you haven’t responded at all. I think I’ve done something to offend straight and you haven’t responded at all. I think I’ve done something to offend you. Am I right?” Angie replied, “No, not at all, Alan. It’s just that I’ve been going nuts getting ready to defend my Ph.D. thesis and haven’t been able to think about anything else.” GETTING OTHERS TO PARAPHRASE YOUR REMARKS If you want to be certain that someone understands your messages, ask her to use active listening by saying, “I just want you to listen and tell me what you hear me say. Don’t give me your opinion or try to solve my problem. I just want to know that you understand me.” In the emotionally charged atmosphere of arguments, it’s easy to misinterpret messages and so active listening is especially valuable. Tell the other person, “So we’ll be certain we understand each other, let’s do something new. After each time you speak, I’ll tell you what I heard you say before replying. If I haven’t gotten what you said right, you’ll try again until I do. And you do the same for me. OK?” Then begin the process by speaking and asking the other person what he heard you say or by paying attention, active-listening, and then asking if you were accurate. CHAPTER FOUR Taking Advantage of Free Information  I’ll go by Janey’s, oh, two or three times a week, or she’ll come by to see me. We usually talk about our jobs or our kids or some bit of news. I try hard to follow the thread of the conversation, but after awhile, it’s like we’ve said it all —just plowed that subject right into the dirt! Then she and I—we’ll stare at each other or laugh or what have you. It sometimes gets kind of embarrassing. Finally, one of us will just make up some excuse to go. —Charlene Charlene’s experience is quite common—and quite unnecessary. There’s no reason for her, or you, to be at a loss for words. During the course of a conversation, others will almost always be giving you plenty of free information, data beyond that which you requested or expected. If you take advantage of this free information by making statements or asking questions related to it, you’ll find plenty of opportunities for channeling your conversations in interesting directions. Consider the following exchanges (with the free information in italics), which are drawn from my interactions over just the past two days: 1. ALAN: You certainly dance well, Gloria. Have you had many lessons? GLORIA: Actually, this is my first one here at Earl Manning’s, but I used to go out dancing every night when I was living in Manhattan. 2. ALAN: Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. LOU: Yeah, well, my baby’s been sick, so I’ve had to spend more time at home. 3. ALAN: I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who gets most of their news from looking through the plastic at newsstands. SHARON: too busy with schoolwork to read much more. 4. ALAN: Hi, Margret. Is Laurie around? MARGRET: No, she’s out buying ingredients for a birthday cake we’re going to bake. 5. ALAN: When is the airport transit bus due?  MAN: It was supposed to be here ten minutes ago... It’s usually pretty much on time. (Note: This sentence, and particularly the word “usually,” is valuable free information because it indicates that the man has frequently taken this bus and that he probably flies often.) 6. ALAN: That’s a colorful print. Where’d you get it? PAT: I saw it at an art shop on Main Street and it immediately caught my eye. Look how the artist painted it all with dots of color. 7. ALAN: The ocean’s certainly acting up today. AMY: Yeah. Kinda reminds me of Lake Michigan during a storm. HOW TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF FREE INFORMATION When you listen closely, you will note that your conversational partners are often dropping little pieces of free information like those above. If you think this free information might be stimulating or useful, that’s the time to follow up on it. Not only is it OK to do so, it’s the norm to use free information to switch to other topics now and then without worrying in the least whether you ever return to the original topic. In fact, very few social conversations stay on any one topic for more than a few minutes. To take advantage of free information, all you do is make a comment or ask a question about it. As usual, open-ended questions will do the best job of promoting an in-depth response. (Glen: “You have a nice tan, Billy.” Billy: “Thanks, Glen. I got it camping this weekend with Doreen.” Glen: “I’ve never been camping and I’m curious to know what you enjoy most about it.”) You may even go back and bring up free information which you passed up previously. (“You mentioned earlier that you and Gina were in Venezuela last summer. What difficulties did you have traveling with the baby?”) Free information also consists of things like the other person’s clothing, physical features, behavior, and location. All these can be used as take-off points for conversation. (“I noticed you have a Phillies T-shirt on. Are you from Philadelphia?” Sometimes, your free information will consist only of a general impression: (“You seem well versed in Chaucer. How do you happen to know so much?” “You seem more relaxed than when we last met. What’s happened?” “You look like you really enjoy dancing!”) CHAPTER FIVE Letting Others Know Who You Are SELF-DISCLOSING Asking open-ended questions, delivering positives, paraphrasing, and using the SOFTEN behaviors you’ll learn in chapter 11 will help others to like you and encourage them to let you enter their world. But using these skills will do little to let them see what your world is like. The people you meet want to know about you too: your attitudes, interests, and values; where you live; what you do for a living; what you do for fun; where you’ve been and where you’re going; and how available you are for future contact. The information you share provides them with a framework for deciding what type of relationship they might be able to have with you. If you find that your relationships often die before they really get going, it may well be that you aren’t telling others enough about who you are. It’s unrealistic to expect strangers to care about you. People only care about those with whom they are involved. And self-disclosure plays a vital role in helping to get them involved. At best, if you fail to self-disclose, your conversational partners will for a time consider you mysterious and be intrigued. But before long, they’ll probably become frustrated by your lack of reciprocity and will conclude that you really aren’t interested in getting to know them, have little going for you, or are a member of the Mafia. THE PROCESS OF UNVEILING Self-disclosure can be a delightful process of mutual self-revelation. The first discloser reveals himself little by little in the hope that when the other person begins seeing him as he is, that person will be encouraged both to learn more and to join in the unveiling. Self-disclosure is typically symmetrical, meaning that people normally self- disclose at about the same rate. Outside of counseling sessions, it’s rare for one partner to reveal much more than the other. You can promote self-disclosure in your relationships by promoting symmetry. Ask questions, show interest in the responses you receive, and then attempt to link those responses to your own knowledge and experiences. If the other person is not rude or self-centered, she will probably soon begin asking other person is not rude or self-centered, she will probably soon begin asking you questions about your disclosures too. Here is an example of how this usually works: GARY: Hi! Say, aren’t you new to this church? JEAN: Why yes, this is only the second time I’ve been here. I just moved into town. GARY: I’m pretty new here myself. What brought you to Houston? JEAN: Well, my company moved here from New York and I’m their chief accountant. GARY: I have to admire you if you can make a living balancing a company’s books. I’m a photographer for the Chronicle and I sometimes have trouble just balancing my own records. JEAN: A photographer, eh? How’d you get involved in that? You can also promote the process of self-disclosure by modeling the responses you want. For instance, if you want to find out someone’s first name, you are most likely to get it by saying, “By the way, my name’s ____________. What’s yours?” (If you want his full name, reveal your full name.) The same is true for addresses, telephone numbers, and any other facts, as well as for opinions and feelings. By being the first to make a revelation, you make it clear that an exchange of information is taking place rather than an interview, and you let him know exactly how you want him to answer. Modeling makes it easy for others to reveal themselves. As self-disclosure proceeds symmetrically and as trust builds, the content of the disclosures typically deepens. Within the course of a conversation (and indeed, within the course of a relationship), interaction normally becomes more significant and meaningful as it proceeds. There are four progressively deepening levels through which communication generally passes: clichés, facts, opinions, and feelings. 1. Clichés: When one person encounters another, the two will almost always begin by exchanging clichés. This ritual serves sometimes to simply acknowledge the presence of another and sometimes to make it clear that each party is receptive to opening the channels of communication to more substantive exchanges. Typical ritual openings include: “Hi.” “How do you do?”  “How do you do?” “Hello. Good to see you.” Since these ritual openings are not designed to exchange information, a simple “Hi,” or “Good to see you too,” in return is all that’s expected. If you and the other person are heading in the same direction and you aren’t interested in discussing anything of substance, you may want to use up the time by responding at somewhat greater length to her ritual opening or by bringing up an insignificant cliché topic such as: “How do you like this weather?” “How are things at the store?” “How are the kids?” “Say, what’s happening with your dancing lessons?” “What did you think of last night’s game?” 2. Facts: Having exchanged clichés, people generally proceed to exchanging facts. In new relationships, these will usually be the basic facts of your life; in existing relationships, these will typically be recent developments: “I’m a carpenter in Fayetteville.” “I go roller skating every Sunday.” “My aunt’s in town and I’m showing her around.” “Standard Oil has decided to send me to Ohio for two weeks to get advanced training.” Early exchanges of facts are very much like job interviews. Each person tries to find out whether there is enough to share to make a relationship worthwhile. This below-the-surface purpose of preliminary conversations became all too apparent to me last week when a new neighbor dropped by for a chat: NEIGHBOR: Say Al, do you like baseball? A group of us go to Angel stadium every week or so. ME: No, I really don’t care much for baseball. Do you jog? NEIGHBOR: No, but I work out with weights. ME: Well, I’d like to do that sometime, but I’m afraid it might not go well with yoga. You don’t practice yoga, do you? NEIGHBOR: No. And so forth. After a while, we smiled and parted with a ritual “See you soon.” And so forth. After a while, we smiled and parted with a ritual “See you soon.” Having found so little to exchange, it’s little wonder that neither of us has made any effort to see the other again. 3. Opinions: “I prefer living in a small town where I know everybody.” “You should invest in silver if you’re really interested in making money.” “I want to date a lot before I get serious about anyone.” Opinions give others a more personal view of you than do facts or clichés. Someone who wants to know what you’re really like will come a lot closer knowing your views on politics, money, and love than merely knowing you grew up in Florida and are a librarian. If you express them in a somewhat open-minded manner, your opinions can also provide others with material on which to base interesting conversation. On the other hand, if you express your opinions as fact, you will not, as Will Rogers said, “be leaving a doubt to hang a conversation on.” Everyone approaches reality from a slightly different perspective, and exploring those differences can be both enlightening and exciting. 4. Feelings: Feelings differ from facts and opinions in that they go beyond describing what happened and how you view what happened and convey your emotional reaction to what happened. For that reason, your expressions of feeling will generally be considered to give the closest possible insight into who you are. The following examples will help make the distinction clear: a. FACT: Women are discriminated against in hiring. OPINION: Women should be hired on the same basis as men. FEELING: I felt angry and frustrated when Jake Roberts got hired instead of me. b. FACT: I’ve been asking at least five open-ended questions a day. OPINION: Asking open-ended questions has been worth the effort. FEELING: I’m thrilled by the way people have been turning on to me since I’ve been asking open-ended questions. Disclosing facts and opinions is important, but if you don’t disclose your feelings, people will probably begin considering you cold and shallow and feelings, people will probably begin considering you cold and shallow and uninterested in getting close to them. Also, if you keep your emotions bottled up inside of you, you are far more likely to develop a wide variety of physical and emotional illnesses. Everyone has experienced the sorrow of losing a friend, the excitement of winning, the exhaustion that comes from wrestling with a difficult problem, the soothing warmth of a summer’s day, and the pain of being alone in a crowd. Everyone hopes to find love, joy, and acceptance in her or his life. When you disclose feelings like these to others, you encourage them to identify with you and to share their feelings in turn. Further, by self-disclosing, you avoid the frustrating and self-defeating strategy of hoping others will be considerate of your feelings even though you have never told them what your feelings are. HOW TO INTEREST OTHERS IN YOUR SELF- DISCLOSURE Sharing yourself interestingly requires not only that you list facts but that you tell how you relate to those facts. Max, a mid-town Los Angeles banker in his late forties, complained to me before one workshop that no one seemed to be very attentive to anything he had to say about himself. I suggested we role-play a simple situation and see what might be the problem. “What,” I asked him, “did you do on your last vacation?” He replied, “My wife and I drove to Vegas and stayed at the Union Plaza and spent a full day gambling. We lost $50 or so between us and had a good time.” I suggested to Max that although he had indeed recited the facts of his trip, he hadn’t done a good job of self-disclosing. He had talked about the situation, but hadn’t talked about himself in the situation. And that’s where personal contact comes in! Max tried again, this time in writing, with this result: Grace and I drove to Vegas for a taste of big-time gambling. I started out on the nickel slot machines, figuring I’d lose $2—$3 and then quit. After a few minutes, I pulled the lever and became a star! The buzzer went off, red lights flashed, and everyone looked at me and smiled. I got so excited, I started clapping my hands and calling out to my wife. I was a winner! Granted, it was only $7.50, but I was so thrilled it might as well have been a million bucks! I liked the feeling so much that I spent five hours and $32 making it happen again!  An older woman named Matty in Houston also had difficulty interesting others in what she had to disclose. Here is how she originally described her job: “I’m a bookkeeper for several small companies. I put all their records in order and make sure they pay their taxes correctly.” After putting herself in the situation, she came up with this description: I’m a bookkeeper for several small companies. Sometimes when I’m casually writing down figures, I’ll start thinking about the thousands of dollars they represent and I’ll get nervous, afraid I’ve made a mistake. When I start feeling like that I go over it one more time, just to make sure. Sometimes the books I get are totally confused—numbers all over the place. Though I grumble a lot, I like the challenge of straightening it all out and getting the final figures to match. COMMON PROBLEMS WITH SELF-DISCLOSURE Projecting a False Image If you exaggerate your virtues, conceal your faults, or try to portray your idea of what the other person wants, you may think you wisely increase your chances for social success. But in reality, you only cause yourself more problems. Your actions will have one of two results: 1. The other person will reject you because he or she is not attracted to the “perfect” self you are portraying (leading you to wish you had tried to find acceptance as yourself). 2. The other person will be attracted to your loveable act. If this occurs, you won’t be able to really experience as your own the warmth and acceptance that will be given. The character you’re portraying will be receiving it, not you. What’s more, you will never be able to just relax and be yourself for fear of having the charade uncovered. Almost certainly, the best that can come from this is that you will have to undo your lies. Consider, for example, Charlene and Zach’s experiences: CHARLENE: Shortly after I met Donny, we talked about children. He said he really got off on kids and wanted to have a whole slew of  them. I agreed, just because I thought that’s what he wanted to hear, but the truth is that there’s no way I’d put up with some little brat for twenty years. I’m just not the motherly type. We got really close and the next thing I knew, he wanted me to marry him and become the mother of his children. Well, at that point, I just had to set him straight. He started crying terribly and ran away. I felt miserable about the whole thing and I still do. I see Donny now and then at Safeway, but he won’t talk to me. ZACHARY: I challenged George to a game of tennis and introduced myself as a lawyer—it sounds crummy to say I collect money from candy machines for a living. We exchanged phone numbers and got together to hit a few quite often over the next several weeks. He even said he was going to introduce me to a gorgeous secretary at the office where he worked. One day, George called from jail to say he needed a lawyer and that I was the one he wanted. What could I do? And that, as they say, was that. I’ve never heard from him again. When I meet new people socially, I consider it wise to be honest and accurate. If a man or woman prefers to be friends with someone richer or more conservative or more interested in stamps or antique cars than I am, that’s fine. It’s certainly not my fault that I don’t fill their bill. Think of some people you admire and would like to talk to if you could: Perhaps Samantha Bee, Kathy Griffin, Bill Maher, Hillary Clinton, Mark Cuban, Sarah Silverman, Sean Hannity, Joy Behar, or Whoopi Goldberg. They are among the most popular men and women in America, yet none of them comes even remotely close to achieving unanimous approval. Now, if none of them can do it, how can you expect everyone to like you? You can’t. In my judgment, it’s far wiser to express who you are honestly and let those people who like you become your friends. Not Being Believed Self-disclosure will usually help you to have rewarding and intimate relationships but only if the people you disclose to believe you are being truthful. There are several ways you can increase the chances of having that happen: Be specific: Add names, dates, and places to your disclosures. For example the statement, “I worked in Europe in 1994,” is less likely to be believed than is the more specific, “I taught English in Malmö, Sweden, during the summer of 1994.” Instead of describing yourself using general terms like “fired,” “happy,” and “upset,” show how you were feeling by painting word pictures. For example, “My hands were shaking, my knees were knocking. I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing came out,” is a lot more believable (and a lot more interesting) than, “I was afraid.” Reveal Some Negatives: If you present a balanced picture of yourself, you are more likely to be believed than if you portray yourself in a completely positive light. Your triumphs at work or on the tennis court, for example, will become more plausible if you also relate one or two problems you’ve encountered. Not Owning Your Statements Many people camouflage their expressions of opinion. For example, a student of mine once disclosed to me after class, “You go through day after day at work feeling miserable and you wonder, ‘Why should you break your back when a big fat nothing is all it gets you?’ So before long, you find yourself not really trying. And then they can you.” It was hard responding to what he had said. He appeared to be talking about himself, but his “you” statements made it seem that he was talking about me. See how much clearer he would have been had he owned his statements by beginning each with “I”: “I went through day after day at work feeling miserable and I wondered, ‘Why should I break my back when a big fat nothing is all it gets me.’ So before long, I found myself not really trying. And then they canned me.” Another related problem of ownership which is particularly common among females is expressing opinions or feelings as questions. If you disguise your beliefs and feelings in questions like, “Don’t you think it’s getting a little late?” and “Isn’t that awfully expensive?” it’s easy for others to dismiss them with such answers as, “No, we haven’t begun to party yet!” and “We can afford it.” If you want to be taken seriously, make direct statements and show that you own those statements by using the pronoun “I,” as in “I’m tired and I want to go now” and “I don’t think we can afford that.” Holding Back for Fear of Boring the Other Person If someone is just interested in being amused, kitty videos on YouTube or a Jimmy Fallon monologue will do. If someone only wants suspense, a Stephen King novel will do. If someone just wants to hear heartwarming stories, James Herriot’s All Things Bright and Beautiful will do. But people want more than that, and you have a gift to bestow which is far more valuable to them than anything they can get from kitty videos, Jimmy Fallon, Stephen King, or James Herriot. You can give them the gift of personal contact. Almost everyone in modern society is troubled by the lack of personal contact. Most people have few close friends and many have none at all. Lots of people feel as if they’re just being processed all day by teachers or employers, fellow students or workers, gas station attendants or supermarket clerks—often even by the people they live with. In light of this, if you can make an honest attempt to establish contact on a personal one-to-one basis, to really touch the other person, your efforts are very likely to be welcomed. CHAPTER SIX Starting Conversations... I decided to marry her. Courtship would be a mere formality. But what to say to begin the courtship? “Would you like some of my gum?” seemed too low-class. “Hello,” was too trite a greeting for my future bride. “I love you! I am hot with passion!” was too forward. “I want to make you the mother of my children,” seemed a bit premature. Nothing. That’s right, I said nothing, And after a while, the bus reached her stop, she got off, and I never saw her again. End of story. —Alan (your author) Many a friendship is lost for lack of speaking. —Aristotle Starting conversations with strangers is easy—if you know how to go about it. Here are a few simple strategies which have been found useful: First, seek out people who are likely to be open to talking with you. Most people are delighted to have the opportunity to meet someone new, and you may consider anyone who’s alone and not heavily engrossed in activity to be a good prospect. Especially good prospects may display their interest by smiling at you, looking at you more than once, or having their arms and legs uncrossed or their legs crossed toward you. Members of the opposite sex who are attracted to you may show you in several additional ways, such as combing their hair, straightening their clothes, rubbing some part of their bodies or an object like a cup or a chair, or letting you catch them looking at you and then holding their gaze an extra second before shifting it away. Once you’ve decided who you’re going to meet, the next step is to smile, make eye contact, and speak. (If you are especially anxious meeting strangers, turn to chapter 12 on reducing anxiety at this point.) Although many people sit around groping for the “perfect” opener, research has shown that what you say is relatively insignificant. (Negative openers, has shown that what you say is relatively insignificant. (Negative openers, however, won’t generally encourage others to talk to you and will probably set a depressed tone for the relationship. I remember once coming up to a woman in a nightclub in Wheeling, West Virginia, and saying by way of introduction, “Boy, I can’t stand all this loud music.” She replied “Well then, why don’t you get out.”) What you say doesn’t have to be wonderfully clever or dripping with meaning; ordinary comments are just fine. What is important is that you take advantage of opportunities to make contact and get things going. If the other person is interested, he’ll probably give you some free information which will help the two of you to find common interests and get more personal. Thinking up openers is simple. You basically have only three topics to choose from: the situation the other person yourself and only three ways to begin: asking a question voicing an opinion stating a fact Your major goal in the beginning is just to show interest or involve the other person, so the best way to start is usually by asking a question. (Closed-ended questions are fine, so long as you don’t pose too many of them in a row.) Stating an opinion also works well, and certainly works better than just stating a fact. When you recite facts like, “The bus is late today,” or “Apples went up 5 cents a pound,” you haven’t involved the other person and so she is left to try to involve you by asking a question or voicing an opinion—which she may well not do. TALKING ABOUT THE SITUATION Starting a conversation by talking about the situation you are both in is usually the best of your three options. It’s less likely to provoke anxiety than is talking about the other person and more likely to promote involvement than is talking about yourself. To begin a conversation about the situation, look around and find things that interest or puzzle you. Use dual perspective: find something to say that the other interest or puzzle you. Use dual perspective: find something to say that the other person is also likely to want to talk about. This is especially easy to do if you’re together in class, on the job, or in a special-interest group such as Parents Without Partners, the PTA, the Sierra Club, or the Young Democrats or Republicans. After you have asked your question or make your statement, listen carefully for the response, especially noting any free information you may want to follow up. Here are some examples of openers. Bear in mind that they are no better than anything you are likely to come up with and that saying anything is better than saying nothing: In a classroom: “What do you know about the teacher?” “I was absent yesterday. What did we talk about?” “What do you think will be on the exam?” In a sauna: “Boy, they really stirred up the coals in here! Tell me, what good is this supposed to do?” At a horse race: “Who do you think will win? Why do you say that?” At an art museum: “What do you suppose the artist wanted to say?” (I once spent an hour asking this question in front of a Picasso and go so involved in so many discussions that I accidentally asked someone who came back for a second look the same question. His second reply: “To tell you the truth, I don’t think Picasso has had a whole lot new to say in the past twenty-five minutes.” In line for a movie: “What have you heard about this movie?” “What made you decide to see it?” At a market: “I notice you’re buying artichokes. I’ve always been curious... how do you prepare them?” To a neighbor: “Your lawn is so green. What’s your secret?” “What’s that you’re working on?” At a laundromat: “Where do I put the detergent in?” (The woman I asked this of hilariously described the time she added too much and returned later to find an avalanche of suds all over the place! We then discussed how many people assume that more is better when it comes to vitamins, which led to our discussing our own experiences with vitamins.) “Excuse me, where do I put the detergent in?” TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON Most people like to talk about themselves and will be pleased to respond to your questions or comments. Before you begin, observe what the other person is doing, wearing, saying, and reading, and think of something you’d like to know more about. For example: “That’s an interesting jacket. Tell me, what does the insignia stand for?” “You’re the best archer here. What do you do to train?” “That was a fascinating comment you made to the board. Tell me, why do you think solar energy isn’t being developed more quickly?” To a policeman: “I’d like to join the force. How do I go about doing it?” “You look lost. Can I help?” “Say, haven’t I seen you at an Amway meeting? My name’s__________. How did you happen to get involved in Amway?” While jogging: “What kind of running shoes are those? Why did you choose that brand?” At a restaurant: “Mind if I join you? (Author Henry Miller never liked eating alone and often used this opener. Just imagine the hundreds of new people he got to know, people he never would have met had he gone to the nearest vacant table. It’s my experience that 20 percent of the people you ask will decline, and they will usually apologize, saying they’re expecting a friend or have lots of work to do.) At a party: “How do you happen to be at this party?” (Australian communications expert Allan Pease once tried out the old cliché, “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?” His most memorable answer: “Probably, I work at the zoo.” Some psychologists favor opening remarks which directly convey your interest in the other person. For example, “Hi, you look nice and I’d like to meet you,” or “Hi. I’ve noticed you here several times and thought I’d come over and introduce myself.” They contend that this method has far more impact on others than do more subtle openers, and that with so many people and stimuli around, it’s vital to have impact. it’s vital to have impact. TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF Common though they are, especially among lonely people, openers about yourself rarely stimulate conversation. Dale Carnegie once noted that strangers are far more interested in talking about themselves than in talking about you. I agree, though I can’t help but enjoy Dr. Art Lange’s funniest opener: “Hi! I’m Art! How do you like me so far?!” CHAPTER SEVEN Issuing Invitations That Are Likely to Be Accepted  THERAPIST: If you wrote the story of your life, what would you title it? CLIENT: I don’t know.... How about... Nothing Happened? THERAPIST: Kind of like that book, Something Happened? CLIENT: Yeah. Only Nothing Happened.... Most of the time, I feel like a bank guard must feel... like I’m watching everyone, but I’m not really a part of it all—I don’t really help shape it... I don’t matter to anyone.... THERAPIST: You feel like a spectator watching life go by. CLIENT: Yeah. Just a spectator.... And even when a miracle occurs and I do meet somebody, nothing ever seems to work out. THERAPIST: You mean you often get rejected? CLIENT: No. We just talk, then we say goodbye, and that’s it. THERAPIST: You don’t invite them to see you again? CLIENT: No. I think that if they really liked me, they’d do the inviting. Most people respond to others in reactive ways. They wait for others to make eye contact first, to smile first, to talk first, to issue invitations first. Since most of the people they encounter are also waiting, all too often everybody ends up frustrated. Listen to people who typically respond reactively and you’ll often hear them passively grumbling about how “things never seem to work out,” when it would be more accurate for them to say, “I never even try.” Most men and women who are socially successful actively work to bring others into their lives. Two of the most important ways they do this are by starting conversations with people they want to meet and by issuing invitations to those they want to get to know better. Chapter 6 taught you some strategies for starting conversations, and here are some pointers which will greatly increase your chances of having your invitations accepted: USE DUAL PERSPECTIVE Different people have different interests. Your invitations are vastly more likely to be well received and the other person is far more likely to have a good time if you think not only in terms of what you’d like to do but also in terms of the other you think not only in terms of what you’d like to do but also in terms of the other pe