How to Talk to Anyone PDF

ebook_copyright 6x9.qxd 10/7/03 3:27 PM Page 1 Copyright © 2003 by Leil Lowndes. All rights reserved. Manufactured in the United States of America. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be...

ebook_copyright 6x9.qxd 10/7/03 3:27 PM Page 1 Copyright © 2003 by Leil Lowndes. All rights reserved. Manufactured in the United States of America. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, with- out the prior written permission of the publisher. 0-07-143334-1 The material in this eBook also appears in the print version of this title: 0-07-141858-X All trademarks are trademarks of their respective owners. Rather than put a trademark symbol after every occurrence of a trademarked name, we use names in an editorial fashion only, and to the benefit of the trademark owner, with no intention of infringement of the trademark. Where such designations appear in this book, they have been printed with initial caps. McGraw-Hill eBooks are available at special quantity discounts to use as premiums and sales pro- motions, or for use in corporate training programs. For more information, please contact George Hoare, Special Sales, at [email protected] or (212) 904-4069. TERMS OF USE This is a copyrighted work and The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. (“McGraw-Hill”) and its licensors reserve all rights in and to the work. Use of this work is subject to these terms. Except as permitted under the Copyright Act of 1976 and the right to store and retrieve one copy of the work, you may not decompile, disassemble, reverse engineer, reproduce, modify, create derivative works based upon, transmit, distribute, disseminate, sell, publish or sublicense the work or any part of it without McGraw-Hill’s prior consent. You may use the work for your own noncommercial and personal use; any other use of the work is strictly prohibited. Your right to use the work may be terminated if you fail to comply with these terms. THE WORK IS PROVIDED “AS IS”. McGRAW-HILL AND ITS LICENSORS MAKE NO GUAR- ANTEES OR WARRANTIES AS TO THE ACCURACY, ADEQUACY OR COMPLETENESS OF OR RESULTS TO BE OBTAINED FROM USING THE WORK, INCLUDING ANY INFORMA- TION THAT CAN BE ACCESSED THROUGH THE WORK VIA HYPERLINK OR OTHERWISE, AND EXPRESSLY DISCLAIM ANY WARRANTY, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. McGraw-Hill and its licensors do not warrant or guarantee that the func- tions contained in the work will meet your requirements or that its operation will be uninterrupted or error free. Neither McGraw-Hill nor its licensors shall be liable to you or anyone else for any inac- curacy, error or omission, regardless of cause, in the work or for any damages resulting therefrom. McGraw-Hill has no responsibility for the content of any information accessed through the work. Under no circumstances shall McGraw-Hill and/or its licensors be liable for any indirect, incidental, special, punitive, consequential or similar damages that result from the use of or inability to use the work, even if any of them has been advised of the possibility of such damages. This limitation of lia- bility shall apply to any claim or cause whatsoever whether such claim or cause arises in contract, tort or otherwise. DOI: 10.1036/0071433341 DOI Page 6x9 10/2/02 1:33 PM Page 1 Want to learn more? , We hope you enjoy this McGraw-Hill eBook! If you d like more information about this book, its author, or related books and websites, please click here. 00 (i-xviB) front matter 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page iii There are two kinds of people in this life: Those who walk into a room and say, “Well, here I am!” And those who walk in and say, “Ahh, there you are.” This page intentionally left blank. 00 (i-xviB) front matter 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page v For more information about this title, click here. ✰ Contents Introduction: How to Get Anything You Want from Anybody (Well, at Least Have the Best Crack at It!).............. xi Part One: How to Intrigue Everyone Without Saying a Word: You Only Have Ten Seconds to Show You’re a Somebody..... 1 1 How to Make Your Smile Magically Different......... 5 2 How to Strike Everyone as Intelligent and Insightful by Using Your Eyes.................. 9 3 How to Use Your Eyes to Make Someone Fall in Love with You............................ 14 4 How to Look Like a Big Winner Wherever You Go.... 17 5 How to Win Their Heart by Responding to Their “Inner Infant”............................ 21 6 How to Make Someone Feel Like an Old Friend at Once................................. 27 7 How to Come Across as 100 Percent Credible to Everyone.............................. 31 8 How to Read People Like You Have ESP........... 35 9 How to Make Sure You Don’t Miss a Single Beat..... 39 v Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 00 (i-xviB) front matter 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page vi Part Two: How to Know What to Say After You Say “Hi”........................ 43 10 How to Start Great Small Talk.................. 47 11 How to Sound Like You’ve Got a Super Personality (No Matter What You’re Saying!)...... 51 12 How to Make People Want to Start a Conversation with You...................... 56 13 How to Meet the People You Want to Meet......... 59 14 How to Break into a Tight Crowd............... 61 15 How to Make “Where Are You From?” Sound Exciting............................ 63 16 How to Come Out a Winner Every Time They Ask, “And What Do You Do?”............ 68 17 How to Introduce People Like the Host(ess) with the Most(est)......................... 71 18 How to Resuscitate a Dying Conversation.......... 73 19 How to Enthrall ’Em with Your Choice of Topic—Them!............................ 76 20 How to Never Need to Wonder, “What Do I Say Next?”............................... 78 21 How to Get ’Em Happily Chatting (So You Can Slip Away if You Want To!)................... 82 22 How to Come Across as a Positive Person.......... 87 23 How to Always Have Something Interesting to Say.................................. 89 Part Three: How to Talk Like a VIP.............. 93 24 How to Find Out What They Do (Without Even Asking!)................................. 95 25 How to Know What to Say When They Ask, “What Do You Do?”........................ 98 26 How to Sound Even Smarter Than You Are........ 103 00 (i-xviB) front matter 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page vii 27 How to Not Sound Anxious (Let Them Discover Your Similarity).......................... 107 28 How to Be a “You-Firstie” to Gain Their Respect and Affection............................ 110 29 How to Make Them Feel You “Don’t Smile at Just Anybody”............................ 115 30 How to Avoid Sounding Like a Jerk.............. 119 31 How to Use Motivational Speakers’ Techniques to Enhance Your Conversation.................. 121 32 How to Banter Like the Big Shots Do (Big Winners Tell It Like It Is)................... 127 33 How to Avoid the World’s Worst Conversational Habit.................................. 129 34 How to Give Them the Bad News (and Have Them Like You All the More)................. 131 35 How to Respond When You Don’t Want to Answer (and Wish They’d Shut the Heck Up)..... 134 36 How to Talk to a Celebrity.................... 136 37 How to Make Them Want to Thank You......... 140 Part Four: How to Be an Insider in Any Crowd: What Are They All Talking About?.... 143 38 How to Be a Modern-Day Renaissance Man or Woman.............................. 145 39 How to Sound Like You Know All About Their Job or Hobby............................ 150 40 How to Bare Their Hot Button (Elementary Doc-Talk)............................... 154 41 How to Secretly Learn About Their Lives......... 157 42 How to Talk When You’re in Other Countries...... 161 43 How to Talk Them into Getting the “Insider’s Price” (on Practically Anything You Buy)........ 165 00 (i-xviB) front matter 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page viii Part Five: How to Sound Like You’re Peas in a Pod: “Why, We’re Just Alike!”........ 171 44 How to Make Them Feel You’re of the Same “Class”. 173 45 How to Make Them Feel That You’re Like “Family”.. 176 46 How to Really Make It Clear to Them........... 182 47 How to Make Them Feel You Empathize (Without Just Saying “Yep, Uh Huh, Yeah”)............. 186 48 How to Make Them Think You See/Hear/Feel It Just the Way They Do...................... 188 49 How to Make ’Em Think We (Instead of You vs. Me)................................. 192 50 How to Create a Friendly “Private Joke” with Them.. 195 Part Six: How to Differentiate the Power of Praise from the Folly of Flattery...... 199 51 How to Compliment Someone (Without Sounding Like You’re Brownnosing)................... 202 52 How to Be a “Carrier Pigeon” of Good Feelings.... 204 53 How to Make ’Em Feel Your Admiration “Just Slipped Out”............................ 207 54 How to Win Their Hearts by Being an “Undercover Complimenter”........................... 209 55 How to Make ’Em Never Forget You with a “Killer Compliment”............................ 211 56 How to Make ’Em Smile with “Itty-Bitty Boosters”.. 214 57 How to Praise with Perfect Timing.............. 217 58 How to Make ’Em Want to Compliment You...... 220 59 How to Make a Loved One Feel You Are THE Partner for Life.......................... 224 Part Seven: How to Direct Dial Their Hearts.... 229 60 How to Sound More Exciting on the Phone....... 231 61 How to Sound Close (Even if You’re Hundreds of Miles Away)........................... 234 00 (i-xviB) front matter 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page ix 62 How to Make ’Em Happy They Called You........ 236 63 How to Sneak Past the Gatekeeper.............. 240 64 How to Get What You Want on the Phone from Big Shots............................... 242 65 How to Get What You Want—by Timing!........ 245 66 How to Impress Everyone with Your Outgoing Voicemail Message........................ 248 67 How to Get Them to Call You Back............. 252 68 How to Make the Gatekeeper Think You’re Buddy-Buddy with the VIP.................. 255 69 How to Make Them Say You Have Super Sensitivity. 257 70 How to “Listen Between the Lines” on the Phone... 259 Part Eight: How to Work a Party Like a Politician Works a Room: The Politician’s Six- Point Party Checklist.............. 265 71 How to Avoid the Most Common Party Blooper.... 270 72 How to Make an Unforgettable Entrance......... 272 73 How to Meet the People YOU Want to Meet...... 274 74 How to Subliminally Lure People to You at a Gathering............................. 278 75 How to Make ’Em Feel Like a Movie Star......... 281 76 How to Amaze Them with What You Remember About Them............................. 285 77 How to Make the Sale with Your Eyeballs......... 288 Part Nine: How to Break the Most Treacherous Glass Ceiling of All: Sometimes People Are Tigers........................ 293 78 How to Win Their Affection by Overlooking Their Bloopers........................... 296 79 How to Win Their Heart When Their Tongue Is Faltering.............................. 300 80 How to Let ’Em Know “What’s in It” for Them.... 303 00 (i-xviB) front matter 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page x 81 How to Make Them Want to Do Favors for You.... 306 82 How to Ask for Favors (and Get Them!).......... 309 83 How to Know What Not to Say at Parties......... 311 84 How to Know What Not to Say at Dinner........ 314 85 How to Know What Not to Say in a Chance Meeting................................ 317 86 How to Prepare Them to Listen to You........... 319 87 How to Turn Their Anger Around (in Three Sentences or Less)......................... 322 88 How to Make ’Em Like You (Even When You’ve Messed Up)........................ 325 89 How to Trap a Rat with Class................. 327 90 How to Get Whatever You Want from Service Personnel............................... 330 91 How to Be a Leader in a Crowd, Not a Follower.... 333 92 How to Make All the Right Moves.............. 336 Notes................................... 343 00 (i-xviB) front matter 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page xi ✰ Introduction How to Get Anything You Want from Anybody (Well, at Least Have the Best Crack at It!) Have you ever admired those successful people who seem to“have it all”? You see them chatting confidently at business meetings or comfortably at social parties. They’re the ones with the best jobs, the nicest spouses, the finest friends, the biggest bank accounts, or the most fashionable zip codes. But wait a minute! A lot of them aren’t smarter than you. They’re not more educated than you. They’re not even better look- ing! So what is it? (Some people suspect they inherited it. Others say they married it or were just plain lucky. Tell them to think again.) What it boils down to is their more skillful way of deal- ing with fellow human beings. You see, nobody gets to the top alone. Over the years, people who seem to “have it all” have captured the hearts and conquered the minds of hundreds of others who helped boost them, rung by rung, to the top of whatever corporate or social ladder they chose. Wanna-bes wandering around at the foot of the ladder often gaze up and grouse that the big boys and big girls at the top are snobs. When big players don’t give them their friendship, love, or business, they call them “cliquish” or accuse them of belonging to an “old-boy network.” Some grumble they hit their heads against a “glass ceiling.” The complaining Little Leaguers never realize the rejection was their own fault. They’ll never know they blew the affair, the xi Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 00 (i-xviB) front matter 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page xii xii Introduction friendship, or the deal because of their own communications fum- bles. It’s as though well-liked people have a bag of tricks, a magic, or a Midas touch that turns everything they do into success. What’s in their bag of tricks? You’ll find a lot of things: a sub- stance that solidifies friendships, a wizardry that wins minds, and a magic that makes people fall in love with them. They also pos- sess a quality that makes bosses hire and then promote, a charac- teristic that keeps clients coming back, and an asset that makes customers buy from them and not the competition. We all have a few of those tricks in our bags, some more than others. Those with a whole lot of them are big winners in life. How to Talk to Anyone gives you ninety-two of these little tricks they use every day so you, too, can play the game to perfection and get whatever you want in life. How the “Little Tricks” Were Unveiled Many years ago, a drama teacher, exasperated at my bad acting in a college play, shouted, “No! No! Your body is belying your words. Every tiny movement, every body position,” he howled, “divulges your private thoughts. Your face can make seven thousand differ- ent expressions, and each exposes precisely who you are and what you are thinking at any particular moment.” Then he said some- thing I’ll never forget: “And your body! The way you move is your autobiography in motion.” How right he was! On the stage of real life, every physical move you make subliminally tells everyone in eyeshot the story of your life. Dogs hear sounds our ears can’t detect. Bats see shapes in the darkness that elude our eyes. And people make moves that are beneath human consciousness but have tremendous power to attract or repel. Every smile, every frown, every syllable you utter, or every arbitrary choice of word that passes between your lips can draw others toward you or make them want to run away. Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 00 (i-xviB) front matter 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page xiii Introduction xiii Men—did your gut feeling ever tell you to jump ship on a deal? Women—did your women’s intuition make you accept or reject an offer? On a conscious level, we may not be aware of what the hunch is. But like the ear of the dog or the eye of the bat, the elements that make up subliminal sentiments are very real. Imagine, please, two humans in a complex box wired with cir- cuits to record all the signals flowing between the two. As many as ten thousand units of information flow per second. “Probably the lifetime efforts of roughly half the adult population of the United States would be required to sort the units in one hour’s interaction between two subjects,” a University of Pennsylvania communications authority estimates.1 With the zillions of subtle actions and reactions zapping back and forth between two human beings, can we come up with con- crete techniques to make our every communication clear, confi- dent, credible, and charismatic? Determined to find the answer, I read practically every book written on communications skills, charisma, and chemistry between people. I explored hundreds of studies conducted around the world on what qualities made up leadership and credibility. Intrepid social scientists left no stone unturned in their quest to find the formula. For example, optimistic Chinese researchers, hoping charisma might be in the diet, went so far as to compare the relationship of personality type to the catecholamine level in subjects’ urine.2 Needless to say, their thesis was soon shelved. Dale Carnegie Was GREAT for the Twentieth Century, but This Is the Twenty-First Most of the studies simply confirmed Dale Carnegie’s 1936 classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People.3 His wisdom for the ages said success lay in smiling, showing interest in other people, and Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 00 (i-xviB) front matter 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page xiv xiv Introduction making them feel good about themselves. “That’s no surprise,” I thought. It’s as true today as it was more than sixty years ago. So if Dale Carnegie and hundreds of others since offer the same astute advice, why do we need another book telling us how to win friends and influence people? Two mammoth reasons. Reason One: Suppose a sage told you, “When in China, speak Chinese,” but gave you no language lessons? Dale Carnegie and many communications experts are like that sage. They tell us what to do but not how to do it. In today’s sophisticated world, it’s not enough to say “smile” or “give sincere compliments.” Cyn- ical businesspeople today see more subtleties in your smile, more complexities in your compliment. Accomplished or attractive peo- ple are surrounded by smiling sycophants feigning interest and fawning all over them. Prospects are tired of salespeople who say, “The suit looks great on you,” when their fingers are caressing cash register keys. Women are wary of suitors who say, “You are beau- tiful,” when the bedroom door is in view. Reason Two: The world is a very different place than it was in 1936, and we need a new formula for success. To find it, I observed the superstars of today. I explored techniques used by top salespeople to close the sale, speakers to convince, clergy to convert, performers to engross, sex symbols to seduce, and ath- letes to win. I found concrete building blocks to the elusive qualities that lead to their success. Then I broke them down into easily digestible, news-you-can-use techniques. I gave each a name that will quickly come to mind when you find yourself in a communications conun- drum. As I developed the techniques, I began sharing them with audiences around the country. Participants in my communications seminars gave me their ideas. My clients, many of them CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, enthusiastically offered their observations. When I was in the presence of the most successful and beloved leaders, I analyzed their body language and their facial 00 (i-xviB) front matter 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page xv Introduction xv expressions. I listened carefully to their casual conversations, their timing, and their choice of words. I watched as they dealt with their families, friends, associates, and adversaries. Every time I detected a little nip of magic in their communicating, I asked them to pluck it out with tweezers and expose it to the bright light of consciousness. We analyzed it together, and I then turned it into an easy-to-do “little trick” others could duplicate and profit from. My findings and the strokes of some of those very effective folks are in this book. Some are subtle. Some are surprising. But all are achievable. When you master them, everyone from new acquaintances to family, friends, and business associates will hap- pily open their hearts, homes, companies, and even wallets to give you whatever they can. There’s a bonus. As you sail through life with your new com- munications skills, you’ll look back and see some very happy givers smiling in your wake. This page intentionally left blank. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 1 ✰ PART ONE How to Intrigue Everyone Without Saying a Word You Only Have Ten Seconds to Show You’re a Somebody The exact moment that two humans lay eyes on each other has awesome potency. The first sight of you is a brilliant holograph. It burns its way into your new acquaintance’s eyes and can stay emblazoned in his or her memory forever. Artists are sometimes able to capture this quicksilver, fleeting emotional response. My friend Robert Grossman is an accom- plished caricature artist who draws regularly for Forbes, Newsweek, Sports Illustrated, Rolling Stone, and other popular publications. Bob has a unique gift for capturing not only the physical appear- ance of his subjects, but for zeroing in on the essence of their per- sonalities. The bodies and souls of hundreds of luminaries radiate from his sketch pad. One glance at his caricatures of famous peo- ple and you can actually “see” their personalities. 1 Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 2 2 How to Talk to Anyone Sometimes at a party, Bob will do a quick sketch on a cock- tail napkin of a guest. Hovering over Bob’s shoulder, the onlook- ers gasp as they watch their friend’s image and essence materialize before their eyes. When he’s finished drawing, he puts his pen down and hands the napkin to the subject. Often a puzzled look comes over the subject’s face. He or she usually mumbles some politeness like, “Well, er, that’s great. But it really isn’t me.” The crowd’s convincing crescendo of “Oh yes it is!” drowns the subject out and squelches any lingering doubt. The confused subject is left to stare back at the world’s view of himself or her- self in the napkin. Once when I was visiting Bob’s studio, I asked him how he could capture people’s personalities so well. He said, “It’s simple. I just look at them.” “No,” I asked, “How do you capture their personalities? Don’t you have to do a lot of research about their lifestyle, their history?” “No, I told you, Leil, I just look at them.” “Huh?” He went on to explain, “Almost every facet of people’s per- sonalities is evident from their appearance, their posture, the way they move. For instance...” he said, calling me over to a file where he kept his caricatures of political figures. “See,” Bob said, pointing to angles on various presidential body parts, “here’s the boyishness of Clinton,” showing me his half smile; “the awkwardness of the elder George Bush,” pointing to his shoul- der angle; “the charm of Reagan,” noting the ex-president’s smiling eyes; “the shiftiness of Nixon,” pointing to the furtive tilt of his head. Digging a little deeper into his file, he pulled out Franklin Delano Roosevelt and, pointing to the nose high in the air, “Here’s the pride of FDR.” It’s all in the face and the body. First impressions are indelible. Why? Because in our fast- paced, information-overload world of multiple stimuli bombard- ing us every second, people’s heads are spinning. They must form 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 3 How to Intrigue Everyone Without Saying a Word 3 quick judgments to make sense of the world and get on with what they have to do. So, whenever people meet you, they take an instant mental snapshot. That image of you becomes the data they deal with for a very long time. Your Body Shrieks Before Your Lips Can Speak Are their data accurate? Amazingly enough, yes. Even before your lips part and the first syllable escapes, the essence of YOU has already axed its way into their brains. The way you look and the way you move is more than 80 percent of someone’s first impres- sion of you. Not one word need be spoken. I’ve lived and worked in countries where I didn’t speak the native language. Yet, without one understandable syllable spoken between us, the years proved my first impressions were on target. Whenever I met new colleagues, I could tell instantly how friendly they felt toward me, how confident they were, and approximately how much stature they had in the company. I could sense, just from seeing them move, who the heavyweights were and who were the welterweights. I have no extrasensory skill. You’d know, too. How? Because before you have had time to process a rational thought, you get a sixth sense about someone. Studies have shown emotional reac- tions occur even before the brain has had time to register what’s causing that reaction.4 Thus the moment someone looks at you, he or she experiences a massive hit, the impact of which lays the groundwork for the entire relationship. Bob told me he captures that first hit in creating his caricatures. Deciding to pursue my own agenda for How to Talk to Any- one, I asked, “Bob, if you wanted to portray somebody really cool—you know, intelligent, strong, charismatic, principled, fas- cinating, caring, interested in other people....” 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 4 4 How to Talk to Anyone “Easy,” Bob interrupted. He knew precisely what I was get- ting at. “Just give ’em great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze.” It’s the ideal image for somebody who’s a Somebody. How to Look Like a Somebody My friend Karen is a highly respected professional in the home- furnishings business. Her husband is an equally big name in the communications field. They have two small sons. Whenever Karen is at a home-furnishings industry event, everyone pays deference to her. She’s a very important person in that world. Her colleagues at conventions jostle for position just to be seen casually chatting with her and, they hope, be pho- tographed rubbing elbows with her for industry bibles like Home Furnishings Executive and Furniture World. Yet, Karen complains, when she accompanies her husband to communications functions, she might as well be a nobody. When she takes her kids to school functions, she’s just another mom. She once asked me, “Leil, how can I stand out from the crowd so peo- ple who don’t know me will approach me and at least assume I’m an interesting person?” The techniques in this section accomplish precisely that. When you use the next nine techniques, you will come across as a special person to everyone you meet. You will stand out as a Somebody in whatever crowd you find yourself in, even if it’s not your crowd. Let’s start with your smile. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 5 ✰1 How to Make Your Smile Magically Different In 1936, one of Dale Carnegie’s six musts in How to Win Friends and Influence People was SMILE! His edict has been echoed each decade by practically every communications guru who ever put pen to paper or mouth to microphone. However, at the turn of the millennium, it’s high time we reexamine the role of the smile in high-level human relations. When you dig deeper into Dale’s dictum, you’ll find a 1936 quick smile doesn’t always work. Espe- cially nowadays. The old-fashioned instant grin carries no weight with today’s sophisticated crowd. Look at world leaders, negotiators, and cor- porate giants. Not a smiling sycophant among them. Key players in all walks of life enrich their smile so, when it does erupt, it has more potency and the world smiles with them. Researchers have catalogued dozens of different types of smiles. They range from the tight rubber band of a trapped liar to the soft squishy smile of a tickled infant. Some smiles are warm while others are cold. There are real smiles and fake smiles. (You’ve seen plenty of those plastered on the faces of friends who say they’re “delighted you decided to drop by,” and presidential candidates vis- iting your city who say they’re “thrilled to be in, uh... uh....”) 5 Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 6 6 How to Talk to Anyone Big winners know their smile is one of their most powerful weapons, so they’ve fine-tuned it for maximum impact. How to Fine-Tune Your Smile Just last year, my old college friend Missy took over her family business, a Midwestern company supplying corrugated boxes to manufacturers. One day she called saying she was coming to New York to court new clients and she invited me to dinner with sev- eral of her prospects. I was looking forward to once again seeing my friend’s quicksilver smile and hearing her contagious laugh. Missy was an incurable giggler, and that was part of her charm. When her Dad passed away last year, she told me she was tak- ing over the business. I thought Missy’s personality was a little bubbly to be a CEO in a tough business. But, hey, what do I know about the corrugated box biz? She, three of her potential clients, and I met in the cocktail lounge of a midtown restaurant and, as we led them into the din- ing room, Missy whispered in my ear, “Please call me Melissa tonight.” “Of course,” I winked back, “not many company presidents are called Missy!” Soon after the maître d’ seated us, I began notic- ing Melissa was a very different woman from the giggling girl I’d known in college. She was just as charming; she smiled as much as ever. Yet something was different. I couldn’t quite put my fin- ger on it. Although she was still effervescent, I had the distinct impres- sion everything Melissa said was more insightful and sincere. She was responding with genuine warmth to her prospective clients, and I could tell they liked her, too. I was thrilled because my friend was scoring a knockout that night. By the end of the eve- ning, Melissa had three big new clients. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 7 How to Make Your Smile Magically Different 7 Afterward, alone with her in the cab, I said, “Missy, you’ve really come a long way since you took over the company. Your whole personality has developed, well, a really cool, sharp corpo- rate edge.” “Uh uh, only one thing has changed,” she said. “What’s that?” “My smile,” she said. “Your what?” I asked incredulously. “My smile,” she repeated as though I hadn’t heard her. “You see,” she said, with a distant look coming into her eyes, “when Dad got sick and knew in a few years I’d have to take over the business, he sat me down and had a life-changing conversation with me. I’ll never forget his words. Dad said, ‘Missy, Honey, remember that old song, “I Loves Ya, Honey, But Yer Feet’s Too Big”? Well, if you’re going to make it big in the box business, let me say, “I loves ya, Honey, but your smile’s too quick.” ’ “He then brought out a yellowed newspaper article quoting a study he’d been saving to show me when the time was right. It con- cerned women in business. The study showed women who were slower to smile in corporate life were perceived as more credible.” As Missy talked, I began to think about history-making women like Margaret Thatcher, Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir, Madeleine Albright, and other powerful women of their ilk. Not one was known for her quick smile. Missy continued, “The study went on to say a big, warm smile is an asset. But only when it comes a little slower, because then it has more credibility.” From that moment on, Missy explained, she gave clients and business associates her big smile. However, she trained her lips to erupt more slowly. Thus her smile appeared more sincere and personalized for the recipient. That was it! Missy’s slower smile gave her personality a richer, deeper, more sincere cachet. Though the delay was less than a sec- 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 8 8 How to Talk to Anyone ond, the recipients of her beautiful big smile felt it was special and just for them. I decided to do more research on the smile. When you’re in the market for shoes, you begin to look at everyone’s feet. When you decide to change your hairstyle, you look at everyone’s hair- cut. Well, for several months, I became a steady smile watcher. I watched smiles on the street. I watched smiles on TV. I watched the smiles of politicians, the clergy, corporate giants, and world leaders. My findings? Amid the sea of flashing teeth and parting lips, I discovered the people perceived to have the most credibil- ity and integrity were just ever so slower to smile. Then, when they did, their smiles seemed to seep into every crevice of their faces and envelop them like a slow flood. Thus I call the following tech- nique “The Flooding Smile.” Technique #1 The Flooding Smile Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other person’s face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes. It will engulf the recipient like a warm wave. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them. Let us now travel but a few inches north to two of the most powerful communications tools you possess, your eyes. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 9 ✰2 How to Strike Everyone as Intelligent and Insightful by Using Your Eyes It’s only a slight exaggeration to say Helen of Troy could launch ships with her eyes and Davy Crockett could stare down a bear. Your eyes are personal grenades that have the power to detonate people’s emotions. Just as martial arts masters register their fists as lethal weapons, you can register your eyes as psychological lethal weapons when you master the following eye-contact techniques. Beloved people in the game of life look beyond the conven- tional wisdom that teaches “Keep good eye contact.” For one, they understand that to certain suspicious or insecure people, intense eye contact can be a virulent intrusion. When I was growing up, my family had a Haitian house- keeper whose fantasies were filled with witches, warlocks, and black magic. Zola refused to be left alone in a room with Louie, my Siamese cat. “Louie looks right through me—sees my soul,” she’d whisper to me fearfully. In some cultures, intense eye contact is sorcery. In others, star- ing at someone can be threatening or disrespectful. Realizing this, big players in the international scene prefer to pack a book on cul- tural body-language differences in their carry-on rather than a Berlitz phrase book. In our culture, however, big winners know exaggerated eye contact can be extremely advantageous, especially 9 Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 10 10 How to Talk to Anyone between the sexes. In business, even when romance is not in the picture, strong eye contact packs a powerful wallop between men and women. A Boston center conducted a study to learn the precise effect.5 The researchers asked opposite-sex individuals to have a two- minute casual conversation. They tricked half their subjects into maintaining intense eye contact by directing them to count the number of times their partner blinked. They gave the other half of the subjects no special eye-contact directions for the chat. When they questioned the subjects afterward, the unsuspect- ing blinkers reported significantly higher feelings of respect and fondness for their colleagues who, unbeknownst to them, had sim- ply been counting their blinks. I’ve experienced the closeness intense eye contact engenders with a stranger firsthand. Once, when giving a seminar to several hundred people, one woman’s face in the crowd caught my atten- tion. The participant’s appearance was not particularly unique. Yet she became the focus of my attention throughout my talk. Why? Because not for one moment did she take her eyes off my face. Even when I finished making a point and was silent, her eyes stayed hungrily on my face. I sensed she couldn’t wait to savor the next insight to spout from my lips. I loved it! Her concentration and obvious fascination inspired me to remember stories and make important points I’d long forgotten. Right after my talk, I resolved to seek out this new friend who was so enthralled by my speech. As people were leaving the hall, I quickly sidled up behind my big fan. “Excuse me,” I said. My fan kept walking. “Excuse me,” I repeated a tad louder. My admirer didn’t vary her pace as she continued out the door. I fol- lowed her into the corridor and tapped her shoulder gently. This time she whirled around with a surprised look on her face. I mum- bled some excuse about my appreciating her concentration on my talk and wanting to ask her a few questions. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 11 How to Strike Everyone as Intelligent and Insightful by Using Your Eyes 11 “Did you, uh, get much out of the seminar?” I ventured. “Well, not really,” she answered candidly. “I had difficulty understanding what you were saying because you were walking around on the platform facing different directions.” In a heartbeat, I understood. The woman was hearing impaired. I did not captivate her as I had suspected. She was not intrigued by my talk as I had hoped. The only reason she kept her eyes glued on my face was because she was struggling to read my lips! Nevertheless, her eye contact had given me such pleasure and inspiration during my talk that, tired as I was, I asked her to join me for coffee. I spent the next hour recapping my entire seminar just for her. Powerful stuff this eye contact. Make Your Eyes Look Even More Intelligent There is yet another argument for intense eye contact. In addition to awakening feelings of respect and affection, maintaining strong eye contact gives you the impression of being an intelligent and abstract thinker. Because abstract thinkers integrate incoming data more easily than concrete thinkers, they can continue looking into someone’s eyes even during the silences. Their thought processes are not distracted by peering into their partner’s peepers.6 Back to our valiant psychologists. Yale researchers, thinking they had the unswerving truth about eye contact, conducted another study that, they assumed, would confirm “the more eye contact, the more positive feelings.” This time, they directed sub- jects to deliver a personally revealing monologue. They asked the listeners to react with a sliding scale of eye contact while their part- ners talked. The results? All went as expected when women told their per- sonal stories to women. Increased eye contact encouraged feelings 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 12 12 How to Talk to Anyone of intimacy. But, whoops, it wasn’t so with the men. Some men felt hostile when stared at too long by another man. Other men felt threatened. Some few even suspected their partner was more interested than he should be and wanted to slug him. Your partner’s emotional reaction to your profound gaze has a biological base. When you look intently at someone, it increases their heartbeat and shoots an adrenalinelike substance gushing through their veins.7 This is the same physical reaction people have when they start to fall in love. And when you consciously increase your eye contact, even during normal business or social interac- tion, people will feel they have captivated you. Men talking to women and women talking to men or women: use the following technique, which I call “Sticky Eyes,” for the joy of the recipient—and for your own advantage. (Guys, I’ll have a man-to-man modification of this technique for you in a moment.) Technique #2 Sticky Eyes Pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation partner’s with sticky warm taffy. Don’t break eye contact even after he or she has finished speaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly, stretching the gooey taffy until the tiny string finally breaks. What About Guys’ Eyes? Now gentlemen: when talking to men, you, too, can use Sticky Eyes. Just make them a little less sticky when discussing personal matters with other men, lest your listener feel threatened or mis- interpret your intentions. But do increase your eye contact slightly 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 13 How to Strike Everyone as Intelligent and Insightful by Using Your Eyes 13 more than normal with men on day-to-day communications— and a lot more when talking to women. It broadcasts a visceral message of comprehension and respect. I have a friend, Sammy, a salesman who unwittingly comes across as an arrogant chap. He doesn’t mean to, but sometimes his brusque manner makes it look like he’s running roughshod over people’s feelings. Once while we were having dinner together in a restaurant, I told him about the Sticky Eyes technique. I guess he took it to heart. When the waiter came over, Sammy, uncharacteristically, instead of bluntly blurting out his order with his nose in the menu, looked at the waiter. He smiled, gave his order for the appetizer, and kept his eyes on the waiter’s for an extra second before look- ing down again at the menu to choose the main dish. I can’t tell you how different Sammy seemed to me just then! He came across as a sensitive and caring man, and all it took was two extra sec- onds of eye contact. I saw the effect it had on the waiter, too. We received exceptionally gracious service the rest of the evening. A week later Sammy called me and said, “Leil, Sticky Eyes has changed my life. I’ve been following it to a T. With women, I make my eyes real sticky and with men slightly sticky. And now everybody’s treating me with such deference. I think it’s part of the reason I’ve made more sales this week than all last month!” If you deal with customers or clients in your professional life, Sticky Eyes is a definite boon to your bottom line. To most peo- ple in our culture, profound eye contact signals trust, knowledge, an “I’m here for you” attitude. Let’s carry Sticky Eyes one step further. Like a potent medi- cine that has the power to kill or cure, the next eye-contact tech- nique has the potential to captivate or annihilate. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 14 ✰3 How to Use Your Eyes to Make Someone Fall in Love with You Now we haul in the heavy eyeball artillery: very sticky eyes or superglue eyes. Let’s call them “Epoxy Eyes.” Big bosses use Epoxy Eyes to evaluate employees. Police investigators use Epoxy Eyes to intimidate suspected criminals. And clever Romeos use Epoxy Eyes to make women fall in love with them. (If romance is your goal, Epoxy Eyes is a proven aphrodisiac.) The Epoxy Eyes technique takes at least three people to pull off—you, your target, and one other person. Here’s how it works. Usually, when you’re chatting with two or more people, you gaze at the person who is speaking. However, the Epoxy Eyes technique suggests you concentrate on the listener—your target—rather than the speaker. This slightly disorients the target and he or she silently asks, “Why is this person looking at me instead of the speaker?” Your target senses you are extremely interested in his or her reac- tions. This can be beneficial in certain business situations when it is appropriate that you judge the listener. Human resources professionals often use Epoxy Eyes, not as a technique, but because they are sincerely interested in a pro- spective employee’s reaction to certain ideas being presented. Attorneys, bosses, police investigators, psychologists, and others 14 Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 15 How to Use Your Eyes to Make Someone Fall in Love with You 15 who must examine subjects’ reactions also use Epoxy Eyes for ana- lytical purposes. When you use Epoxy Eyes, it sends out signals of interest blended with complete confidence in yourself. But because Epoxy Eyes puts you in a position of evaluating or judging someone else, you must be careful. Don’t overdo it or you could come across as arrogant and brazen. Technique #3 Epoxy Eyes This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch your target person even when someone else is talking. No matter who is speaking, keep looking at the man or woman you want to impact. Sometimes using full Epoxy Eyes is too potent, so here is a gentler, yet effective, form. Watch the speaker but let your glance bounce to your target each time the speaker finishes a point. This way Mr. or Ms. Target still feels you are intrigued by his or her reactions, yet there is relief from the intensity. Use Epoxy Eyes to Push Their Erotic Button If romance is on the horizon, Epoxy Eyes transmits yet another message. It says, “I can’t take my eyes off you” or “I only have eyes for you.” Anthropologists have dubbed eyes “the initial organ of romance” because studies show intense eye contact plays havoc with our heartbeat.8 It also releases a druglike substance into our 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 16 16 How to Talk to Anyone nervous system called phenylethylamine. Since this is the hormone detected in the human body during erotic excitement, intense eye contact can be a turn-on. Men, Epoxy Eyes is extremely effective on women—if they find you attractive. The lady interprets her nervous reaction to your untoward gaze as budding infatuation. If she does not like you, however, your Epoxy Eyes is downright obnoxious. (Never use Epoxy Eyes on strangers in public settings or you could get arrested!) 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 17 ✰4 How to Look Like a Big Winner Wherever You Go Do you remember the lyrics to the old Shirley Bassey song? “The minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of dis- tinction—a real big spender. Good looking, so refined. Say wouldn’t you like to know what’s going on in my mind?” The goal of this first section is not to make you look like a real big spender. Rather it is to give you the cachet of a real big Somebody the moment people lay eyes on you. To that end, we now explore the most important technique to make you look like a very important person. When the doctor smacks your knee with that nasty little ham- mer, your foot jerks forward. Thus the phrase knee-jerk reaction. Your body has another instinctive reaction. When a big jolt of hap- piness hits your heart and you feel like a winner, your head jerks up automatically and you throw your shoulders back. A smile frames your lips and softens your eyes. This is the look winners have constantly. They stand with assurance. They move with confidence. They smile softly with pride. No doubt about it—good posture symbolizes that you are a man or woman who is used to being on top. 17 Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 18 18 How to Talk to Anyone Obviously millions of mothers sticking their knuckles be- tween their kids’ shoulder blades, and trillions of teachers telling students, “Stand up straight!” hasn’t done the trick. We are a nation of slouchers. We need a technique more stern than teach- ers and more persuasive than parents to make us stand like a Somebody. In one profession, perfect posture, perfect equilibrium, per- fect balance is not only desirable—it’s a matter of life and death. One false move, one slump of the shoulders, one hangdog look, can mean curtains for the high-wire acrobat. I’ll never forget the first time Mama took me to the circus. When seven men and women raced into the center ring, the crowd rose as though they were all joined at the hips. They cheered with one thunderous voice. Mama pressed her lips against my ear and reverently whispered these were the Great Wallen- das, the only troupe in the world to perform the seven-person pyramid without a net. In an instant, the crowd became hushed. Not a cough or a soda slurp was heard in the big top as Karl and Herman Wallenda shouted cues in German to their trusting relatives. The family meticulously and majestically ascended into the position of a human pyramid. They then balanced precariously on a thin wire hundreds of feet above the hard dirt with no net between them and sudden death. The vision was unforgettable. To me, equally unforgettable was the beauty and grace of the seven Wallendas racing into the center of the big top to take their bows. Each perfectly aligned—head high, shoulders back—stand- ing so tall it still didn’t seem like their feet were touching the ground. Every muscle in their bodies defined pride, success, and their joy of being alive. (Still!) Here is a visualization technique to get your body looking like a winner who is in the habit of feeling that pride, success, and joy of being alive. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 19 How to Look Like a Big Winner Wherever You Go 19 Your Posture Is Your Biggest Success Barometer Imagine you are a world-renowned acrobat, master of the iron-jaw act waiting in the wings of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bai- ley Circus. Soon you will dart into the center ring to captivate the crowd with the precision and balance of your body. Before walking through any door—the door to your office, a party, a meeting, even your kitchen—picture a leather bit hang- ing by a cable from the frame. It is swinging just an inch higher than your head. As you pass through the door, throw your head back and chomp on the imaginary dental grip that first pulls your cheeks back into a smile and then lifts you up. As you ascend high above the gasping crowd, your body is stretched into perfect align- ment—head high, shoulders back, torso out of hips, feet weight- less. At the zenith of the tent, you spin like a graceful top to the amazement and admiration of the crowd craning their necks to watch you. Now you look like a Somebody. One day, to test Hang by Your Teeth, I decided to count how many times I walked through a doorway: sixty times, even at home. You calculate: twice out your front door, twice in, six times to the bathroom, eight times to the kitchen, and through count- less doors at your office. It adds up. Visualize anything sixty times a day and it becomes a habit! Habitual good posture is the first mark of a big winner. You are now ready to float into the room to captivate the crowd or close the sale (or maybe just settle for looking like the most important Somebody in the room). You now have all the basics Bob the artist needs to portray you as a big winner. Like he said, “great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze.” The ideal image for some- body who’s a Somebody. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 20 20 How to Talk to Anyone Technique #4 Hang by Your Teeth Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door you walk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth, let it swoop you to the peak of the big top. When you hang by your teeth, every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position. Now let’s put the whole act into motion. It’s time to turn your attention outward to your conversation partner. Use the next two techniques to make him or her feel like a million. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 21 ✰5 How to Win Their Heart by Responding to Their “Inner Infant” Remember the old joke? The comic comes onstage and the first words out of his mouth are, “Well, how do you like me so far?” The audience always cracks up. Why? Because we all silently ask that question. Whenever we meet someone, we know, consciously or subconsciously, how they’re reacting to us. Do they look at us? Do they smile? Do they lean toward us? Do they somehow recognize how wonderful and special we are? We like those people. They have good taste. Or do they turn away, obviously unimpressed by our magnificence. The cretins! Two people getting to know each other are like little puppies sniffing each other out. We don’t have tails that wag or hair that bristles. But we do have eyes that narrow or widen. And hands that flash knuckles or subconsciously soften in the palms-up “I submit” position. We have dozens of other involuntary reactions that take place in the first few moments of togetherness. Attorneys conducting voir dire are exquisitely aware of this. They pay close attention to your instinctive body reactions. They watch to see how fully you are facing them and just how far for- ward or back you’re leaning while answering their questions. They check out your hands. Are they softly open, palms up, signifying acceptance of the ideas they’re expressing? Or are you making a slight fist, knuckles out, signaling rejection? They scrutinize your 21 Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 22 22 How to Talk to Anyone face for the split seconds you break eye contact when discussing relevant subjects like your feelings on big awards for damages or the death penalty. Sometimes attorneys bring along a legal assis- tant whose sole job is to sit on the sidelines and take precise note of your every fidget. An interesting aside: trial lawyers often choose women to do this twitch-and-turn spying job because, traditionally, females are sharper observers of subtle body cues than males. Women, more sensitive to emotions than men, often ask their husbands, “Is something bothering you, Honey?” (These supersensitive women accuse their husbands of being so insensitive to emotions that they wouldn’t notice anything is wrong until their neckties are drenched in her tears.) The attorney and the assistant then review your “score” on the dozens of subconscious signals you flashed. Depending on their tally, you could find yourself on jury duty or twiddling your thumbs back in the juror’s waiting room. Trial lawyers are so conscious of body language that, in the 1960s during the famous trial of the Chicago Seven, defense attor- ney William Kuntsler actually made a legal objection to Judge Julius Hoffman’s posture. During the summation by the prosecu- tion, Judge Hoffman leaned forward, which, accused Kuntsler, sent a message to the jury of attention and interest. During his defense summation, complained Kuntsler, Judge Hoffman leaned back, sending the jury a subliminal message of disinterest. You’re on Trial—and You Only Have Ten Seconds Like attorneys deciding whether they want you on their case, everybody you meet makes a subconscious judgment on whether they want you in their lives. They base their verdict greatly on the same signals, your body-language answer to their unspoken ques- tion, “Well, how do you like me so far?” 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 23 How to Win Their Heart by Responding to Their “Inner Infant” 23 The first few moments of your reactions set the stage upon which the entire relationship will be played out. If you ever want anything from the new acquaintance, your unspoken answer to their unspoken question, “How do you like me so far?” must be, “Wow! I really like you.” When a little four year old feels bashful, he slumps, puts his arms up in front of his chest, steps back, and hides behind Mommy’s skirt. However, when little Johnny sees Daddy come home, he runs up to him, he smiles, his eyes get wide, and he opens his arms for a hug. A loving child’s body is like a tiny flower bud unfolding to the sunshine. Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years of life on earth make little dif- ference. When forty-year-old Johnny is feeling timid, he slumps and folds his arms in front of his chest. When he wants to reject a salesman or business colleague, he turns away and closes him off with a myriad of body signals. However, when welcoming his loved one home after an absence, big Johnny opens his body to her like a giant daffodil spreading its petals to the sun after a rainstorm. Treat People Like Big Babies Once I was at a corporate star-studded party with an attractive, recently divorced friend of mine. Carla had been a copywriter with one of the leading advertising agencies which, like so many companies then, had downsized. My girlfriend was both out of work and out of a relationship. At this particular party, the pickings for Carla were good, both personally and professionally. Several times as Carla and I stood talking, one good-looking corporate male beast or another would find himself within a few feet of us. More often than not, one of these desirable males would flash his teeth at Carla. She sometimes graced the tentatively courting male with a quick smile over her shoulder. But then she’d turn back to our mundane conversation 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 24 24 How to Talk to Anyone as though she were hanging on my every word. I knew she was trying not to look anxious, but inside Carla was crying out, “Why doesn’t he come speak to us?” Right after one prize corporate Big Cat smiled but, because of Carla’s minimal reaction, wandered back into the social jungle, I had to say, “Carla, do you know who that was? He’s the head of the Young & Rubicam in Paris. They’re looking for copywriters willing to relocate. And he’s single!” Carla moaned. Just then we heard a little voice down by Carla’s left knee. “Hello!” We looked down simultaneously. Little five-year-old Willie, the hostess’s adorable young son, was tugging on Carla’s skirt, obviously craving attention. “Well, well, well,” Carla cried out, a big smile erupting all over her face. Carla turned toward him. Carla kneeled down, touched little Willie’s elbow, and crooned, “Well, hello there, Willie. How are you enjoying Mommy’s nice party?” Little Willie beamed. When little Willie finally trundled off to tug on the garments of the next group of potential attention givers, Carla and I returned to our grown-up conversing. During our chat, corporate beasts continued to stalk Carla with their eyes and she continued casting half smiles at them. She was obviously disappointed none of them was making a further approach. I had to bite my tongue. Finally, when I felt it was going to bleed from the pressure of my teeth, I said, “Carla, have you been noticing that four or five men have come over and smiled at you.” “Yes,” Carla whispered, her eyes darting nervously around the room lest anyone overhear us. “And you’ve been giving them little half smiles,” I continued. “Yes,” she murmured, now confused at my question. “Remember when little Willie came up and tugged on your skirt? Do you recall how you smiled that beautiful big smile of yours, turned toward him, and welcomed him into our grown-up conversation?” 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 25 How to Win Their Heart by Responding to Their “Inner Infant” 25 “Yee-es,” she answered haltingly. “Well, I have a request, Carla. I want you to give the next man who smiles at you that same big smile you gave Willie. I want you to turn toward him just like you did then. Maybe even reach out and touch his arm like you did Willie’s, and then welcome him into our conversation.” “Oh Leil, I couldn’t do that.” “Carla, do it!” Sure enough, within a few minutes, another attractive man wandered our way and smiled. Carla played her role to perfection. She flashed her beautiful teeth, turned fully toward him, and said, “Hello, come join us.” He wasted no time accept- ing Carla’s invitation. After a few moments, I excused myself. Neither noticed my departure because they were in animated conversation. The last glimpse I had of my friend at the party was her floating out the door on the arm of her new friend. Just then the technique I call “The Big-Baby Pivot” was born. It is a skill that will help you win whatever your heart desires from whatever type of beasts you encounter in the social or corporate jungle. Technique #5 The Big-Baby Pivot Give everyone you meet The Big-Baby Pivot. The instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin. Pivoting 100 percent toward the new person shouts “I think you are very, very special.” 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 26 26 How to Talk to Anyone Remember, buried deep inside everyone is a big baby who is rattling the crib, wailing out for recognition of how very special he or she is. The following technique reinforces the big baby’s suspicion that he or she is, indeed, the center of the universe. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 27 ✰6 How to Make Someone Feel Like an Old Friend at Once A very wise man with the funny name of Zig9 once told me, “Peo- ple don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care... about them.” Zig Ziglar is right. The secret to mak- ing people like you is showing how much you like them! Your body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station reveal- ing to anyone within eyeshot precisely how you feel at any given moment. Even if your Hang by Your Teeth posture is gaining their respect, your Flooding Smile and The Big-Baby Pivot are making them feel special, and your Sticky Eyes are capturing their hearts and minds, the rest of your body can reveal any incongruence. Every inch—from the crinkle of your forehead to the position of your feet—must give a command performance if you want to effectively present an “I care about you” attitude. Unfortunately, when meeting someone, our brains are in over- drive. Remember Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar? He said of Cassius, he “has a lean and hungry look... he thinks too much... such men are dangerous.” So it is with our brains when conversing with a new acquaintance. Our brains become lean. (Some of us are fighting off shyness. Others are frantically sizing up the situation.) And hungry. (We’re deciding what, if anything, we want from this potential relationship.) So we think too much instead of respond- 27 Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 28 28 How to Talk to Anyone ing with candid, unself-conscious friendliness. Such actions are dangerous to impending friendship, love, or commerce. When our bodies are shooting off ten thousand bullets of stimuli every second, a few shots are apt to misfire and reveal shy- ness or hidden hostility. We need a technique to ensure every shot aims right at the heart of our subject. We need to trick our bod- ies into reacting perfectly. To find it, let’s explore the only time we don’t need to worry about any shyness or negativity slipping out through our body lan- guage. It’s when we feel none. That happens when we’re chatting with close friends. When we see someone we love or feel com- pletely comfortable with, we respond warmly from head to toe without a thought. Our lips part happily. We step closer. Our arms reach out. Our eyes become soft and wide. Even our palms turn up and our bodies turn fully toward our dear friend. How to Trick Your Body into Doing Everything Right Here’s a visualization technique that accomplishes all that. It guar- antees that everyone you encounter will feel your warmth. I call it “Hello Old Friend.” When meeting someone, play a mental trick on yourself. In your mind’s eye, see him or her as an old friend, someone you had a wonderful relationship with years ago. But somehow you lost track of your friend. You tried so hard to find your good buddy, but there was no listing in the phone book. No information online. None of your mutual friends had a clue. Suddenly, WOW! What a surprise! After all those years, the two of you are reunited. You are so happy. That’s where the pretending stops. Obviously, you are not going to try to convince the new person that the two of you are really old friends. You are not going to hug and kiss and say, “Great to see you again!” or “How have you been all these years?” You 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 29 How to Make Someone Feel Like an Old Friend at Once 29 merely say, “Hello,” “How do you do,” “I am pleased to meet you.” But, inside, it’s a very different story. You will amaze yourself. The delight of rediscovery fills your face and buoys up your body language. I sometimes jokingly say if you were a light, you’d beam on the other person. If you were a dog, you’d be wagging your tail. You make this new person feel very special indeed. Technique #6 Hello Old Friend When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicis- situdes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mack- erel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost old friend! The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes—and everything between. In my seminars, I first have people introduce themselves to another participant before they’ve learned the Hello Old Friend technique. The group chats as though at a pleasant semiformal gathering. Later I ask them to introduce themselves to another stranger, imagining they are old friends. The difference is extraor- dinary. When they’re using Hello Old Friend, the room comes alive. The atmosphere is charged with good feeling. The air sparkles with happier, high-energy people. They are standing closer, laughing more sincerely, and reaching out to one another. I feel like I’m attending a terrific bash that’s been going on for hours. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 30 30 How to Talk to Anyone Not a Word Need Be Spoken The Hello Old Friend technique even supersedes language. When- ever you’re traveling in countries where you don’t speak the native tongue, be sure to use it. If you find yourself with a group of peo- ple who are all speaking a language unknown to you, just imag- ine them to be a group of your old friends. Everything is fine except they momentarily forgot how to speak English. In spite of the fact you won’t understand a word, your whole body still responds with congeniality and acceptance. I’ve used the Hello Old Friend technique while traveling in Europe. Sometimes my English-speaking friends who live there tell me their European colleagues say I am the friendliest Ameri- can they’ve ever met. Yet, we’d never spoken a word between us! A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy An added benefit to the Hello Old Friend technique is it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you act as though you like someone, you start to really like them. An Adelphi University study called, appropriately, “Believing Another Likes or Dislikes You: Behaviors Making the Beliefs Come True” proved it.10 Researchers told vol- unteers to treat unsuspecting subjects as though they liked them. When surveyed later, the results showed the volunteers wound up genuinely liking the subjects. The unsuspecting subjects were also surveyed. These respondents expressed much higher respect and affection for the volunteers who pretended they liked them. What it boils down to is love begets love, like begets like, respect begets respect. Use the Hello Old Friend technique and you will soon have many new “old friends” who wind up genuinely liking you. You now have all the basics to come across to everyone you meet as a Somebody, a friendly Somebody. But your job isn’t over yet. In addition to being liked, you want to appear credible, intel- ligent, and sure of yourself. Each of the next three techniques accomplishes one of those goals. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 31 ✰7 How to Come Across as 100 Percent Credible to Everyone My friend Helen is a highly respected headhunter. She makes ter- rific hires for her clients and I once asked her the secret of her suc- cess. Helen replied, “Probably because I can almost always tell when an applicant is lying.” “How can you tell?” She said, “Well, just last week, I was interviewing a young woman for a position as marketing director for a small firm. Throughout the interview, the applicant had been sitting with her left leg crossed over her right. Her hands were comfortably rest- ing in her lap and she was looking directly at me. “I asked her salary. Without swerving her eyes from mine, she told me. I asked if she enjoyed her work. Still looking directly at me, she said, ‘yes.’ Then I asked her why she left her previous job. “At that point, her eyes fleetingly darted away before regain- ing eye contact with me.” Helen continued. “Then, while answer- ing my question, she shifted in her seat and crossed her right leg over her left. At one point, she put her hands up to her mouth.” Helen said, “That’s all I needed. With her words she was telling me she felt her ‘growth opportunities were limited at her previous firm.’ But her body told me she was not being entirely forthright.” 31 Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 32 32 How to Talk to Anyone Helen went on to explain the young woman’s fidgeting alone wouldn’t prove she was lying. Nevertheless, it was enough, she said, that she wanted to pursue the subject further. “So I tested it.” Helen explained. “I changed the subject and went back to more neutral territory. I asked her about her goals for the future. Again, the girl stopped fidgeting. She folded her hands in her lap as she told me how she’d always wanted to work in a small company in order to have hands-on experience with more than one project. “Then I repeated my earlier question. I asked again if it was only the lack of growth opportunity that made her leave her pre- vious position. Sure enough, once again, the woman shifted in her seat and momentarily broke eye contact. As she continued talking about her last job, she started rubbing her forearm.” Helen continued to probe until she finally uncovered the truth. The applicant had been fired because of a nasty disagree- ment with the marketing director for whom she worked. Human resources professionals who interview applicants and police officers who interrogate suspected criminals are trained to detect lies. They know specifically what signals to look for. The rest of us, although not knowledgeable about specific clues to deceit, have a sixth sense when someone is not telling us the truth. Just recently a colleague of mine was considering hiring an in- house booking agent. After interviewing one fellow she said to me, “I don’t know. I don’t really think he has the success he claims.” “You think he’s lying to you?” I asked. “Absolutely. And the funny thing is I can’t tell why. He looked right at me. He answered all my questions directly. There was just something that didn’t seem right.” Employers often feel this way. They have a gut feeling about someone but they can’t put their finger on it. Because of that, many large companies turn to the polygraph, or lie detector, a mechanical apparatus designed to detect if someone is lying. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 33 How to Come Across as 100 Percent Credible to Everyone 33 Banks, drugstores, and grocery stores rely heavily on it for pre- employment screening. The FBI, Justice Department, and most police departments have used the polygraph on suspects. Interest- ingly, the polygraph is not a lie detector at all! All the machine can do is detect fluctuations in our autonomic nervous system— changes in breathing patterns, sweating, flushing, heart rate, blood pressure, and other signs of emotional arousal. So is it accurate? Well, yes, often it is. Why? Because when the average person tells a lie, he or she is emotionally aroused and bodily changes do take place. When that happens, the individual might fidget. Experienced or trained liars, however, can fool the polygraph. Beware of the Appearance of Lying— Even When You’re Telling the Truth Problems arise for us when we are not lying but are feeling emo- tional or intimidated by the person with whom we are talking. A young man telling an attractive woman about his business success might shift his weight. A woman talking about her company’s track record to an important client could rub her neck. More problems arise out of the atmosphere. A businessman who doesn’t feel nervous at all could loosen his collar because the room is hot. A politician giving a speech outdoors could blink excessively because the air is dusty. Even though erroneous, these fidgety movements give the listeners the sense something just isn’t right or a gut feeling that the speaker is lying. Professional communicators, alert to this hazard, consciously squelch any signs anyone could mistake for shiftiness. They fix a constant gaze on the listener. They never put their hands on their faces. They don’t massage their arm when it tingles or rub their nose when it itches. They don’t loosen their collar when it’s hot or blink because it’s sandy. They don’t wipe away tiny perspiration 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 34 34 How to Talk to Anyone beads in public or shield their eyes from the sun. They suffer because they know fidgeting undermines credibility. Consider the infamous September 25, 1960, televised presidential debate between Richard Milhous Nixon and John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Political pundits speculate Nixon’s lack of makeup, his fidgeting, and mopping his brow on camera lost him the election. If you want to come across as an entirely credible Somebody, try to squelch all extraneous movement when your communica- tion counts. I call the technique “Limit the Fidget.” Technique #7 Limit the Fidget Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your puss. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing. Now let’s tackle intelligence. “What?” you ask. “Can people come across as more intelligent than they really are?” Well, did you ever hear of Hans, the counting horse? Hans was considered the most intelligent horse in history, and he used the technique I’m about to suggest. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 35 ✰8 How to Read People Like You Have ESP Hans, a very clever horse, inspires this next technique. Hans was owned by Herr von Osten, a Berliner, who had trained Hans to do simple arithmetic by tapping his right front hoof. So prodigious was Hans’s ability that the horse’s fame quickly spread throughout Europe in the early 1900s. He became known as Clever Hans, the counting horse. Herr von Osten taught Hans to do more than just add. Soon the horse could subtract and divide. In time, Clever Hans even mastered the multiplication tables. The horse became quite a phe- nomenon. Without his owner uttering a single word, Hans could count out the size of his audience, tap the number wearing glasses, or respond to any counting question they asked him. Finally, Hans achieved the ultimate ability that separates man from animal—language. Hans “learned” the alphabet. By tapping out hoof beats for each letter, he answered any question about any- thing humans had read in a newspaper or heard on the radio. He could even answer common questions about history, geography, and human biology. Hans made headlines and was the main topic of discussion at dinner parties throughout Europe. The “human horse” quickly attracted the attention of scientists, psychology professors, veteri- 35 Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 36 36 How to Talk to Anyone narians, even cavalry officers. Naturally they were skeptical, so they established an official commission to decide whether the horse was a case of clever trickery or equine genius. Whatever their sus- picions, it was obvious to all, Hans was a very smart horse. Com- pared to other horses, Hans was a Somebody. Cut to today. Why is it when you talk with certain individu- als you just know they are smarter than other people—that they are a Somebody? Often they’re not discussing highfalutin subjects or using two-dollar words. Nevertheless, everybody knows. Peo- ple say, “She’s smart as a whip,” “He doesn’t miss a trick,” “She picks up on everything,” “He’s got the right stuff,” “She’s got horse sense.” Which brings us back to Hans. The day of the big test arrived. Everyone was convinced it must be a trick orchestrated by Herr von Osten, Hans’s owner. It was standing room only in the auditorium filled with scientists, reporters, clairvoyants, psychics, and horse lovers who eagerly awaited the answer. The canny commission members were con- fident this was the day they would expose Hans as chicanery because they, too, had a trick up their sleeves. They were going to bar von Osten from the hall and put his horse to the test all alone. When the crowd was assembled, they told von Osten he must leave the auditorium. The surprised owner departed, and Hans was stranded in an auditorium with a suspicious and anxious audience. The confident commission leader asked Hans the first math- ematical question. He tapped out the right answer! A second. He got it right! Then a third. Then the language questions followed. He got them all right! The commission was befuddled. The critics were silenced. However, the public wasn’t. With a great outcry, they insisted on a new commission. The world waited while, once again, the authorities gathered scientists, professors, veterinarians, cavalry officers, and reporters from around the world. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 37 How to Read People Like You Have ESP 37 Only after this second commission put Hans to the test did the truth about the clever horse come out. Commission number two started the enquiry perfunctorily with a simple addition prob- lem. This time, however, instead of asking the question out loud for all to hear, one researcher whispered a number in Hans’s ear, and a second researcher whispered another. Everyone expected Hans to quickly tap out the sum. But Hans remained dumb! Aha! The researchers revealed the truth to the waiting world. Can you guess what that was? Here’s a hint: when the audience or researcher knew the answer, Hans did, too. Now can you guess? People gave off very subtle body-language signals the moment Hans’s hoof gave the right number of taps. When Hans started tapping the answer to a question, the audience would show sub- tle signs of tension. Then, when Hans reached the right number, they responded by an expulsion of breath or slight relaxation of muscles. Von Osten had trained Hans to stop tapping at that point and therefore appear to give the right answer.