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Ahuaurth Wratutug 1Justttutt 1Juteruattnual A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN 'Effective Counsefing PARTTWELVE The Basis of a Covenant Marriage ............................. 3 Six Tests to Confirm True Love ................................ 4 1 The Test of Full Parental Consent..............................

Ahuaurth Wratutug 1Justttutt 1Juteruattnual A COMPREHENSIVE COURSE IN 'Effective Counsefing PARTTWELVE The Basis of a Covenant Marriage ............................. 3 Six Tests to Confirm True Love ................................ 4 1 The Test of Full Parental Consent.............................. 4 2 The Test of Compatibility of Faith and Life ................... 5 3 The Test of How Long You Can Wait to Marry ............... 10 Reasons to Postpone Marriage ...................•........... 11 4 The Test of Mature Character .............................. 12 5 The Test of Financial Responsibility ........................ 13 6 The Test of Realistic Expectations .......................... 15 Operational Definitions of Character Qualities ................ 17 Evaluation Accountability . .................................. 19 Effective Counseling Course Part Twelve Institute in Basic Life Principles • Box One • Oak Brook, IL 60522-3001 • 630-323-9800 2 The Basis of a Covenant Marriage In 1997 the legislature of the state of Louisiana passed a covenant marriage act. In 1998 the state of Arizona followed their example. This legislation was designed to protect and strengthen marriages and families and thereby reduce the tragic consequences that are occurring as a result of broken marriages and scattered families. One of the requirements of a covenant marriage is that the couple receives premarital counseling. Such counseling is wise for any individual before taking the serious step of courtship, engagement, or marriage. • Marriage was designed by God as a covenant Fortunately for our world, marriage was not man's idea. It was designed by God to fulfill the needs that He created within a person and to accomplish His will in the world. It was the first and most important act of God following Creation. Therefore, He designed marriage as a covenant rather than a contract. A covenant is based on complete trust, whereas a contract is actually based on distrust. A covenant calls for unlimited responsibility for its fulfillment, but a contract provides for limited liability. Most important, a covenant cannot be broken no matter what circumstances occur, whereas a contract can be voided either by mutual consent or by a breach on the part of one person. A marriage covenant was designed to reflect both the unchanging and unconditional love that Jesus Christ has for each one of us and the unchanging, unconditional love that each of us by His Spirit can have for our life partner. • A covenant is with God; a contract is between people Any person who asks about the possibility of divorce should be reminded of the vows that were made. These vows were actually made to God with witnesses present. Traditional vows include the statement, "For better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, till death do us part." The seriousness of vows is explained in the Bible. "When thou vowest a vow unto God, defer not to pay it; for he hath no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed. Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay. Suffer not thy mouth to cause thy flesh to sin; neither say thou before the angel, that it was an error: wherefore should God be angry at thy voice, and destroy the work of thine hands?" (Ecclesiastes 5:4-6). Jesus Christ confirmed the importance of promises when He said, " ... by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned" (Matthew 12:37). • God'~ Law continues to regulate all marriages Whether or not a person or government chooses to promote covenant marriages does not alter the consequences that come to the marriage partners, their children, and all segments of the community when marriage vows are broken. God established the concept of nations, but He chose Israel to be a prototype of the benefits or curses that would come to any group who followed or violated His laws, statutes, and judgments. Thus God states, "Keep therefore and do them [His laws]; for this is your wisdom and your understanding in the sight of the nations, which shall hear all these statutes, and say, Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people" (Deuteronomy 4:6). It is God's desire that each person and nation honor Him by keeping and protecting the marriage covenant. 3 Six Tests to Confirm True Love The single greatest reason most couples give for getting married is that they love each other. Unfortunately, many of these same couples later lose their "love" and seek a divorce. This action only confirms that they never comprehended the nature of true love. The love that holds marriages together is described in the famous Biblical passage of I Corinthians 13. Love "beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity [Love] never faileth ... "(vv. 7-8). Genuine love is vital for a marriage; however, it is just as important to base a marriage on doing the will of God, which is actually part of genuine love. Love "rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth" (I Corinthians 13:6). Before a person communicates any special interest to a potential marriage partner, he should be prepared for marriage and discern that this individual is God's marriage partner for him. Our emotions are very unpredictable, but carrying out the will of God based on a serious commitment will provide proper motivations. The will of God can be confirmed by the following tests. 1 The Test of Full Parental Consent The blessing of the father and mother for a marriage is essential to the success of the marriage and the well-being of each partner. This fact is affirmed by the fifth commandment: "Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth" (Ephesians 6:2-3). The reverse of this promise is also true. If a son or daughter dishonors parents by disregarding their marriage counsel, things will not go well in their marriage or with their children. Very often children repeat the same dishonor to their parents that their parents demonstrated to their grandparents. • The father of the girl must give his permission first Before a young man takes any steps to win the admiration or affections of a girl, he should fully determine whether he is ready for marriage and whether this is the girl that God wants him to marry. His parents and rhemas from Scripture can give him counsel. If he is sure that this is the right timing and person, then he should go to the father of the girl and ask him for permission to court his daughter. God is quite clear in giving to the father of the girl the authority to make this decision. (See I Corinthians 7:38 and Exodus 22:17.) Until the father gives his permission, a young man is out of place to show special attention to a girl, and if he does win her heart, he is actually stealing it since it does not belong to him. Actually, both sets of parents should be entirely enthusiastic about the marriage. God often gives the mother of a young person special insight as well. If either the father or mother of the young man or young woman is not in agreement with the relationship, you can be sure this is God's direction not to proceed. • The daughter has the final word Once the father and mother give permission to the young man to court their daughter, he must still win the heart of the girl. If she sees flaws or character deficiencies in him that she does not want in a life partner, or if she does not sense God's leading, she has the authority and responsibility to say no to marriage. 4 The Biblical pattern for this is in the story of Rebekah and Isaac. Isaac's father sent his trusted servant to select a bride for Isaac. The servant asked God for a supernatural sign to determine the right girl. Rebekah passed the test, and her father was also convinced that this was God's will. However, Rebekah was then asked what her wishes were, and she agreed to go. (See Genesis 24.) • Will you be finished with school before marriage? It is normal for parents to want their children to be finished with their education before beginning a marriage. They know by experience or common sense that there will be many extra and unnecessary pressures on the marriage if one or both marriage partners are trying to finish school while they are married. Often a husband will ask his wife to go to work in order to support him in school. This is extremely unwise. It is opposite to what God designed for a marriage. Many divorces can be traced to the wife's being in the workplace and being turned against her husband by the cynicism of those around her in unhappy marriages, or by being attracted to men who show her the attention she was hoping to get from her husband. Many marriage conflicts can be traced back to the unfulfilled expectations or the hurts that occurred in the first year of marriage. For this reason, God established a policy for the success and happiness of marriage. This policy involves excusing the husband from going to war or experiencing serious business pressures in order to spend his first year of marriage with his wife. "When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken" (Deuteronomy 24:5). • Do all parents know all important facts about you? All parties should know about all moral failures in your past. The importance of this is emphasized by the provisions God established in the Law for a girl to be able to prove her purity before marriage. (See Deuteronomy 22:13-21.) Any debts, health problems, or other information that would affect the marriage should be shared openly, honestly, and appropriately. 2 The Test of Compatibility of Faith and Life True fulfillment in a marriage does not come from the physical relationship but from the spiritual intimacy that both share with God, Who created them. If this compatibility is not present, the marriage will be seriously damaged. • Do you both have a firm belief in God? The Ten Commandments are foundational to all people. The first and most important commandment is, "Thou shalt have no other gods before me" (Exodus 20:3). Man is prone to create his own idea of God by expecting from things or people what only God can give. If, for example, we expect to get security from money, we make a god of money; for only God provides security. We also sometimes expect from our mate what only God can give us. For example, genuine love, joy, and peace are only produced by God's Spirit in us. To know God, we call upon His Son Jesus Christ for salvation. "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved" (Romans 10:13). 5 • Do you both have a personal faith in Jesus Christ? It is impossible for a fallible, finite creature to understand or have intimate fellowship with an eternal, holy, and all-knowing God. God understood this when He created man for the purpose of having fellowship with Him. God walked and talked with Adam and Eve in the cool of the day; however, it was not long before they willfully disobeyed God's clear instruction and thereby brought sin into the world, which passed to all their descendants. In love and mercy, God sent His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, to pay the eternal price for man's sin and to establish an eternal fellowship between God and us . The Bible explains how we can personally receive this gift of forgiveness of our sins and eternal life. "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved" (Romans 10:9). • Do you both accept the Bible as your final authority? When disagreements occur in a marriage, it is essential that both parties have a higher authority to whom they can appeal. There can be no higher or better authority than the infallible Word of God. The Bible is God's manual for life. It is the most vital resource for marriage and for the training of children. There is no situation in life that does not have a parallel experience in the Bible that will provide counsel and direction. The Bible has one interpretation but many applications. For example, the command, "Thou shalt not steal" (Exodus 20:15), is to be interpreted, "Do not take what does not belong to you." However, there are many applications of this command, such as, "Do not steal money," "Do not steal time from your employer," and "Do not steal the affections of your neighbor's wife." The Bible is God's blueprint for success. It is a moral compass for knowing what is right and what is wrong. Its law is like a schoolmaster to bring us to Christ and to His work of genuine love in our hearts. When a person becomes a believer, God gives the Holy Spirit as a guide to make accurate interpretations and applications of Scripture. • Do you have agreement on major doctrines? Life would be much simpler if we were only dealing with God. The fact is that we must also be aware of a very deceptive enemy called Satan. His purpose in the world is to create distrust, division, dissension, rebellion, and all the evil works that go with them. One of his primary targets is the Bible. He will prompt sincere people to misinterpret or misapply truth. He will also encourage rebellious people to distort or deny truth to justify their evil ways. There are primary doctrines in the Bible. Do you and the one you want to marry believe them? These include the deity of the Lord Jesus Christ, the nature and work of the Trinity, the importance of the blood of Jesus Christ to cleanse us from all our sin, the physical resurrection of Christ from the dead, and the inspiration and authority of the Bible. Also, do both of you truly understand and believe in the permanence of the marriage covenant as outlined in Scripture? In order to have true fellowship in a marriage, both partners must have full agreement on the major doctrines of Scripture. When sincere believers disagree over a doctrine, it is often like different people looking at the facets of a huge diamond. A person on one side of the diamond exclaims, "I see the light!" and another who looks from a different side states, 6 I I "You're wrong because I see the light!" Meanwhile, a third person says, "You are both wrong, because I see the light." The goal must be to understand the basic principle within that doctrine and then to see how it reflects light in many directions. • Are you both active members of a local church? Every believer needs the support of other believers, along with regular teaching, instruction, and counsel from wise and more mature believers. To meet this need, God established the concept of the local church. It is important for a husband and wife to be in complete agreement as to the church they will attend. • Is the man ready to become a spiritual leader? I When frustrated wives are asked what they really want from their husbands, their answers can always be traced to important aspects of spiritual leadership that are lacking in the husband. Some of the ways a man may show leadership in serving his wife are as follows. A spiritual leader makes wise and prayerful decisions but first listens to the cautions and counsel of his wife. He has high standards and Biblically sound convictions that he will not compromise. He knows how to sensitively explain to his wife vital needs she is meeting in his life that no other woman can meet. A spiritual leader makes sure his surroundings are clean and organized. He schedules times to be together with his wife and always has an attentive ear. He resolves the root cause of anger and knows how to protect his wife. He humbly helps her prioritize her daily goals and makes investments to help her develop her skills and interests. He seeks to understand and honor her at all times. He will focus on how Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for Her, and by God's Spirit, he will love his wife in that way. He will cleave to (make every effort to be one with) her and will put her interests before his own, as Christ did with him. He will be an example of Christ to her. • Is the woman ready to be a wise helpmeet? t A wife will find her identity and fulfillment by achieving the purposes for which God designed her. The description of a wise and capable wife is contained in the last chapter of Proverbs. She is devoted to helping her husband. Her husband trusts her. She is skilled in making her husband successful and in guiding her children. She has a meaningful outreach in the community. Some of the ways a woman can love and honor her husband are as follows. A wise wife will respectfully motivate her husband to be a courageous man. She will explain to him how he can protect her. She will know how to wisely appeal to him when he is getting ready to make a wrong decision and, if he is seriously erring, will carefully go to him with others (after she has gone to him herself) in accordance with Matthew 18:15-17 or, if necessary, will appeal to higher authorities if he insists on doing something that will physically or morally damage the children or others. She will know how to praise her husband and to discreetly direct him to God when he is under pressure. A wise wife will work to keep her home neat and organized and will teach the children how to honor and obey their father. She will manage her home and her personal appearance in order to be efficient and bring honor and respect to her husband. She will develop a spirit of gratefulness and contentment by God's Spirit in her. She will also urge 7 her husband to spend time alone with the Lord. In all these things she will place her trust in the Lord and, by His Spirit in her, will learn to submit to and honor her husband, even as Christ submitted to and honored His Father in Heaven. • Do both of you understand your areas of jurisdiction? God designed the wife to be a "home executive." She is to be in charge of five important and very fulfilling jurisdictions. First is teaching her children under the direction of Christ and her husband. Second is supervising nutrition and health care. Third is designing home industries according to her interests and skills. Fourth is providing hospitality to guests who will be challenged by what they see in her home, and fifth is teaching other women what she has learned. In order for a husband to fulfill his God-given responsibilities in the marriage and home, he must lay aside his own personal hobbies and pleasures and look for practical ways to "lay down his life" for his wife and children in the same way Christ laid down His life for the Church. He must assume the primary responsibility of providing for, protecting, and encouraging his family. Most of all, he must keep himself spiritually strong by memorizing and meditating upon passages of the Bible, along with praying fervently each day for himself, his family, and others, and by walking in Christ's Spirit. • Is there a plan to bring disagreements to a third party? There will be times when a husband and wife will have opposing viewpoints about important decisions or situations. These are times to earnestly seek the will of the Lord through a study of His Word and times of prayer and fasting. If there is still disagreement, a wise and respected person or authority should be available for counsel. Normally, this could be the parents, the pastor, or some other wise counselor. • Is there agreement on ways of child discipline? If parents are not in total agreement on how they will discipline their children, the children will become insecure and will begin to get what they want by pitting one parent against the other. Parents must agree on the standards they want their children to uphold and then design wise guidelines for them to follow in order to keep those standards. Parents should give loving discipline if the children break the rules, but the father definitely must be the one to step in if the children challenge the right of parents to make the rules. Both parents must be living examples of the behavior they want in their children and realize that discipline is not a periodic action but a growing relationship. • Does each of you have a regular time of prayer? One of the dangers to a marriage is an over-dependence upon the marriage partner to meet basic needs. When these needs are not met, resentment or bitterness often develops, which ruins the spirit of giving in the marriage. When each partner has a strong and consistent prayer life with their Heavenly Father, they will avoid this danger. One of the strongest bondings in a marriage will come through intimate times of prayer. Those who do not have an effective prayer life before marriage will tend to neglect this vital part of their relationship after marriage. • Does each of you have a daily time of reading the Bible? There is much wisdom in the words that Jesus spoke," ... Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4). The actual Greek term used for "word" is rhema. A rhema is a verse or passage of Scripture that has particular application to your life. God especially speaks to our hearts through rhemas. Many believers follow the wise practice of regularly reading a chapter of Proverbs that corresponds with the day of the month, since there are thirty-one chapters in Proverbs. Before reading the chapter, it is good to ask God for wisdom and direction for the day. Often a verse will stand out with special meaning as we read. The same procedure can be used for other books of the Bible. • How much Scripture has each of you memorized? Success in life is directly related to the wisdom we have in making decisions. The more Scripture we memorize, the greater resource we will have in dealing with the multitude of situations and challenges we face in life. It is for this reason that God promises success to those who memorize and meditate on His Word. "This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success" Goshua 1:8). • Have you agreed on standards for activities and music? If we want to fulfill the first commandment of loving the Lord with all our heart and soul and mind and strength (see Mark 12:30), then we must avoid any activity that will displease Him. Usually our consciences will convict us that a particular activity or type of music is not appropriate. If we override this caution, we will grieve the Holy Spirit and become less sensitive to further direction from the Lord. It is also important to realize that what parents allow in moderation, their children justify in excess. Scripture and life experience will also bear this out. • Are you agreed on areas of self-control in marriage? Self-control is a key factor for marriage harmony. Many young men have the mistaken idea that all their physical desires will be fulfilled in their marriage. If this were true, married men would not be tempted by other women. The fact is that God never designed marriage to satisfy abnormal or perverted drives. There is always a need for self-control. Self-control is a part of genuine love. Love " ... suffereth long ... Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own ... Beareth all things ... " (I Corinthians 13:4-5, 7). The statement, "Anything goes in marriage," is not only inaccurate but also very destructive. A husband must know when to abstain from physical relationships and how to express love and tenderness to his wife in nonphysical ways. There are certain activities that may be approved in our society but are physically, mentally, and spiritually damaging to each marriage partner and their marriage relationship. • Do both of you love and desire to have children? A wrong view of children results in an inaccurate view of marriage and what constitutes marriage happiness. Today, children are usually viewed as a burden and hindrance to 9 There is a strong relationship between anger and lust. A man who has a problem with one will often have a problem with the other. This is true because of the buildup of guilt and tension and the lack of restraint in satisfying personal passions. Quite often a person has unresolved anger or bitterness toward a parent which will only be vented against one's partner, thereby allowing that bitterness to defile them. A man's attitude toward his wife will usually reflect the attitude he has toward his mother. In the same way, a woman's attitude toward her husband will reflect the attitude she has toward her father. Thus it is critical to resolve these root issues before entering marriage. Lust is another critical issue to resolve with God and others before marriage, or you can be assured of resulting struggles. Wise counsel, fasting, and meditation on applicable Scriptures can help in the area of moral freedom. By being accountable to Christ and receiving wise counsel in these ways, a person can grow from faith to faith and glory to glory, making all things new in Christ, developing and maintaining moral purity. D The finding of a life purpose The truest fulfillment of a wife comes from the praise of her husband and children as she uses her skills and abilities to help them be successful. This presupposes that the husband has a clearly defined purpose for his life, marriage, and family. The more significant this purpose is, the more enthusiastic his family can be in fulfilling it. For this, Jesus gives wise counsel: "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" (Matthew 6:33). To be effective, a goal should be definable, achievable, and measurable. Long-range goals should be broken down into short-range steps. D The learning of life skills for marriage A marriage is strengthened as both partners bring to it valuable life skills. A few of these would certainly include skills in money management, communication, household maintenance and repair, cooking nutritionally, and child care. Do you and the one you want to marry have these necessary skills? 4 The Test of Mature Character The truest test of marriage readiness is the maturity of character that each party has. All marriage conflicts result from the lack of or violation of specific character qualities. The tensions and pressures of marriage can become a crash course in character building if both parties learn how to turn conflicts into "character classrooms." In the process, however, there are usually hurts and wounds that diminish the potential of joy and fulfillment of the marriage. It is far better to learn character before marriage. Character is so essential for marriage, family, and business that it should be thoroughly checked out by both sets of parents and both potential marriage partners prior to agreeing to a marriage or following through with it. • How to evaluate a potential partner's character Today there are several happily married individuals who are grateful for the following method of evaluation. Each individual had planned to marry somebody else, but after going through this procedure, they realized that person's lack of character and broke off the friendship. Looking back now, they realize the tragedies that would have occurred had they married the other person. 12 Take the page included in this booklet that lists forty-nine character qualities. Review in your mind all that you know or have heard about the one you intend to marry. Be prayerful and honest in your assessment. Cut the cards apart on the appropriate lines. Take each card and study the quality and its definition. Then put it in one of three piles. The first pile is for qualities that your potential marriage partner actually has. The second pile is for qualities that you know this person does not have at this time. The third pile is for qualities that you are not sure about. Next, take the qualities that your potential partner does not have and picture the conflicts that will result in your marriage because the qualities are not present. If you need help, ask your parents or other married people for examples and counsel. The final step in this evaluation is to count the number of cards in the third pile. If there are more than ten, ask yourself the question, "Do I really know this person well enough to make a commitment to live with him or her the rest of my life?" • What character qualities would your parents say you lack? Nobody knows you better than your parents. It would be wise to ask them to evaluate your character, using the same method with which you evaluated your potential partner's character. Encourage your parents to be completely open and honest. Sometimes parents overlook negative qualities; other times they have given up on developing certain ones in you. If this is the case, they may welcome a marriage in order to pass on the training to your life partner. You should talk with them about this. If this is in their minds, it would be wise to resolve these issues in advance of marriage or for your parents to fully explain to your potential partner the qualities that you are lacking. 5 The Test of Financial Responsibility Because of the importance of finances to a marriage, it is wise to make this a test all its own. A wife should have involvement in the finances of a marriage through wise buying and home industry, as in the case of the Proverbs 31 woman. However, God's design for marriage is that the husband assume the primary responsibility of supporting his family. God goes so far as to call a man who does not provide adequate support for his family "worse than an infidel." (See I Timothy 5:8.) • Are both of you out of debt? Debts should be taken care of before marriage, especially major debts. Bringing debts into the marriage will not only add tensions to it but will also prompt the unwise decision to postpone the blessing of having children. All too often, couples are married with outstanding school loans and interest payments on cars and other possessions. Their lives become entangled and continually revolve around these debts. • Have you purposed to live free of debt? It is certainly true that the debtor becomes the servant of the lender. It is therefore wise to keep out of debt altogether. Three times in the New Testament God uses financial debt as an illustration of a burden of sin. (See Luke 7:36-50; Matthew 6:12; Matthew 18:21-35.) 13 There is a just basis for this comparison since the person who voluntarily enters into debt is often confirming several negative character qualities such as impatience (not being able to wait until he earns the money), a form of greed (wanting to acquire possessions he cannot afford), presumption (assuming he can pay for it later), pride (needing expensive status symbols), and poor judgment (buying things that lose their value). • What salable skills and experience do you have? In order to get married, a husband-to-be should have sufficient funds on hand for anticipated expenses. He should also have a job that produces sufficient income to support the marriage and a family. Even more important, he should have skills that would allow him to get a job if his present employment did not last. • Do you have extravagant items that should be sold? Financial wisdom involves an understanding of comparative values. Jesus spoke about the man who found a treasure in a field and sold everything he had to buy the field. In this parable and in a similar one about finding a good price (see Matthew 13:44-46), the buyer did not go into debt or mortgage what he had. He sold something of lesser value in order to gain something of greater value. By selling extravagant items and eliminating expensive hobbies, a husband is saying to his wife, "You are more valuable to me than these things." • Do you know how to negotiate for the best buy? A key to financial success is knowing how to negotiate purchases. For inexpensive items it is appropriate to pay the asking price, but for more expensive items it is essential to take the time to check out competing sources and to find out what it cost to make. Negotiate with the seller on what you have budgeted for the item. Business is based on buying raw materials or products at a lower cost and selling them at a higher price. It would be wise to learn negotiating skills before marriage. An indication of your negotiating ability is how much you reduced the price of the last car you bought. • Have you received funds in answer to prayer? God is the One Who created gold and silver as a measurement for value; however, He also gave us the warning not to love money or to heap up riches for ourselves. He will often allow us to experience unexpected needs that will force us to depend upon Him for provision. It is important to have experiences of God's providing for needs in answer to prayer before you get married so that you can understand reliance on God in these ways. • Have you given generously, and do you tithe regularly? Two requirements for receiving funds in answer to prayer are that we tithe our income to the work of the Lord and that we give generously to the needs of others. God compares financial prosperity to the laws of the harvest. If we sow generously, we will reap much; if we sow little, we will reap little. (See II Corinthians 9:6.) If we fail to tithe, God will not rebuke the devourer for our sakes, and we will experience the loss of our income and assets through accidents, illness, and other ways. (See Malachi 3:10-11.) 14 A person may accumulate wealth, but if it was not gathered according to God's princ ples, it will be accompanied by troubles and sorrows. On the other hand, the blessing of th Lord brings riches with no sorrow. One requirement for God to bless our finances is that w have a clear conscience regarding past financial dealings. If you have cheated someone c stolen things in the past, the owner should be contacted, the wrong should be confessec and restitution made. 6 The Test of Realistic Expectations The dreams and expectations that many marriage partners have built up over the yeai come crashing down the first night or week of marriage. Others overlook disappointmen1 and hope things will get better, but they often get worse because these marriage partne1 had unrealistic expectations of what marriage was all about. There are several importar factors to be considered in having accurate expectations. • Is your decision to marry based on changeable factors? A young man will usually be attracted to a girl because of her physical appearance c her enjoyable personality. If these become the primary motivations for marriage, he will 1: disillusioned when they change after marriage. In fact, he must anticipate that they wi change and ask himself whether that will make a difference in his decision to marry. Th real motivations to marry must be a genuine love for the inner person of the other indivic ual and knowing that the marriage is in the will of God rather than just his or her own wil Outward changes or circumstances then will only deepen genuine love and appreciation. • Does God have one chosen person or many possibilities? Most people who answer this question assume that God has one chosen marriage partnE for each individual. However, there is Scriptural evidence that God's choice of a marria~ partner is directly related to our level of spiritual maturity. Samson was not very spiritui when he went down to the heathen camp and saw a Philistine woman. The Israelites we1 commanded not to marry heathen women, and Samson's parents were against it. Ye Scripture says it was of the Lord. God did use this relationship to discipline Samson and tr nation. (See Judges 14-16.) Based on this fact, it would be wise for you to become as spiritually mature as you ca be before thinking about marriage. What you look for when you are immature will rn attract you when you are mature. • Name the six "people" getting married at your wedding Unrealistic expectations for marriage are all too common because there are actually s "people" at the altar when a marriage takes place. On the groom's side, the first person the man he thinks he is. The second person is the man she thinks he is. The third person is tl man he really is. The fourth person is the person the bride thinks she is. The fifth person the woman he thinks she is, and the sixth person is the person she really is. After marriag four of these people fade away, and the real people come into clear focus. Someone h, 1.d after marriage trade the~ in for magnifying glasses. Just th; reverse order ought to take place. Have you been involved in pornography or romance novels? Nothing distorts marriage more than pornography and romance novels. Any man who as been involved in pornography will have perverted and unrealistic expectations of marage. He will be disappointed if she does not live up to the false images he has in his mind. he same is true of a girl who has been absorbed in romance novels. The "Prince Charming" 1.e is expecting will suddenly not appear after marriage. The effect of these things must be eansed from the heart and mind before marriage. Is there a clear conscience from previous friendships? When a wrong relationship has occurred with some other person, a part of your heart as been given to that other person. Several wrong relationships mean that multiple parts of your eart have been given away to other people. The result is that you have less to give to your tarriage partner. The guilt of immoral or improper actions toward previous friends will ave a detrimental effect upon your marriage. Therefore, it would be important to discreetly )ntact these individuals (preferably by phone) and ask for their forgiveness for selfish :tions toward them and to have complete repentance concerning all wrongdoing on your part. Has every wrong friendship with others been broken? In addition to clearing your conscience over past relationships, it is important to break 1e emotional ties that will continue to bind you with those individuals. Where possible, tere should be a verbal release of each other from all promises and expectations. Where tis is not possible or appropriate, it is important to ask God to break all emotional and spirual ties with these individuals and then to avoid any further socializing with them. What are you prepared to give to the one you marry? Since genuine love involves giving, in what specific ways are you prepared to give to te one you want to marry? Your list should include giving your whole heart to God, Who 'ill then enable you to give all to your partner. Any achievements that were accomplished >r the Lord are further "trophies" that you can bring to the marriage. You should be able to ve your partner your good name and the gratefulness of people you have helped over the years. Can both of you emotionally leave your parents? Marriage requires that a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. leaving means to make every effort to be one with your wife. This means that if his mother 1.d his wife both make demands on his time, he must give priority to his wife and, if necestry, lovingly explain this to his mother. Leaving parents does not require a geographical ·location to another city. It does require an emotional leaving. This is facilitated by the par1.ts' blessing upon the marriage. However, if there are continuing hurts or bitternesses ,ward parents, then the son or daughter is not able to leave emotionally. It is essential that 1of these offenses and hurts be cleared up before marriage. (as found in the Character Bookshelf Series game, Character Clues) Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts Ephesians 4:25 WISDOM vs. Natural inclinations SELF-CONTROL vs. Self-indulgence ALERTNESS vs. Unawareness Being aware of that which is taking place around me so I can have the right response to it Mark 14:38 TRUTHFULNESS vs. Deception RESOURCEFULNESS vs. Wastefulness Seeing and responding to Instant obedience to the initial promptings of God's life's situations from God's Spirit ' frame of reference Wise use of that which others would normally overlook or discard I I I I I Galatians 5:24-25 I Proverbs 910 ' I Luke 16:10 1 I ORDERLINESS vs. Disorganization Preparing myself and my surroundings so I will achieve the greatest efficiency I Corinthians 14 40 ATTENTIVENESS vs. Unconcern Showing the worth of a person by giving undivided attention to his words and emotions Hebrews2:1 -------------------~-------------------~-------------------~--------------------1--------------------~-------------------~------------------I I I I OBEDIENCE vs. Willfulness , : _ : Freedom to be cr_eat1ve , under the protection of , . . . , divinely appointed authority : HOSPITALITY vs. Loneliness Cheerfully sharing food, shelter and spiritual refresh'. h th h G d men1 wI1 ose w om o brings into my life REVERENCE vs. Disrespect Awareness of how God is worlling through the people and . . d evens 1 111 my 1I1e 1o pro uce the character of Christ in me I DISCERNMENT : vs. Judgment : . .. , The God-given ab1l1ty to • understand why things , : happen I THRIFTINESS : vs. Extravagance : . , Not letting mys~lf o~ oth• ers spend that which Is not , : necessary INITIATIVE vs. Unresponsiveness . . _ Recognizing and doing what needs to be done . before I am asked to do 11 I SENSITIVITY : vs. Callousness : Exercising my senses so I , can perceive the true spirit , d . f th , an emo 1ions o ose : around me 11 Corinthians 10:5 : ___________________ Hebrews 13.2 Proverbs 23:17-18 I Samuel 16:7 :,____________________ Luke 16:11 Romans 12:21 : __________________ Romans 12:15 ___________________ L l ___________________ J: ____________________ L ___________________ L _ SINCERITY vs. Hypocrisy : GENEROSITY : vs. Stinginess . , . _ Eagerness to do what Is I Realizing that all I have . ht ·th , b 1 God d . . 0 1 1 rig 1. WI ransparen I f e H~gs 1O an using 11 mo Ives : or 1s purposes JPeter1:22 : 11Corinthians9'.6 : : , , , 1 1 I : DILIGENCE vs. Slothfulness Visualizing each task as a . . special assignment from the Lord and using all my energies to accomplish it Colossians3:23 : : , , , : , : I CONTENTMENT : vs. Covetousness Visualizing what God , . . . . . . , Realizing that God has intends to do 111 a given situ- , .d6d th· d ation and acting in harmony ' pf rovi evetryh in~ 1 nee with it : or my presen appmess FAITH vs. Presumption Hebrews11:1 : ITimothy6:8 I RESPONSIBILITY : JUSTICE , vs. Unreliability , vs. Fairness , . , Knowing and doing what , ... , b 0 th G0 d d th Personal respons1b11ity to I ' . fan ers are I God's unchanging laws 1 : expec1mg rom me ° : Romans14:12 i Micah6:8 -------------------~-------------------i-------------------,----------------------------------------r-------------------r------------------VffiTUE vs. Impurity The moral excellence and purity of spirit that radiate from my life as I obey God's Word 11Peter1:3 JOYFULNESS vs. Self-pity The spontaneous enthusiasm of my spirit when my soul is in fellowship with the Lord Psalm16:11 THOROUGHNESS vs. Incompleteness Knowing what factors will diminish the effectiveness of my work or words if neglected Proverbs18:15 : : : , : : : DISCRETION vs. Simplemindedness The ability to avoid words, actions, and attitudes which could result in undesirable consequences Proverbs22:3 PUNCTUALITY vs. Tardiness HUMILITY : COMPASSION vs. Pride I vs. Indifference Recognizing that it is actuInvesting whatever is necally God and others who are essary to heal the hurts of responsible for the achieveothers ments in my life James46 : IJohn3:17 Showing high esteem for other people and their time Ecclesiastes3:1 -------------------~-------------------~-------------------~--------------------1 -------------------~-------------------~------------------1 I I FLEXIBILITY vs. Resistance DEPENDABILITY vs. Inconsistency LOVE TOLERANCE vs. Prejudice DECISIVENESS GENTLENESS vs. Double-mindedness , vs. Harshness BOLDNESS vs. Fearfulness , Confidence 1h ~1 what 1 ~ave 10 ~y or_do is true and nght and Just m the sight of God : Not setting affection~ , on ideas or P ans whic , could be changed by God or : others : Fulfilling what I consented : Giving to others' basic , to do even if it means unex- , needs without having as my , led 'f I r d : pee sacn ice : mo 1ve personaI rewar : ~cceptance of 01h ~rs as : The ability to finalize diffi- : Showing personal care • u~ique expressions O spe- 1 cult decisions based on the I and concern in meeting the , cIfIc character qualities In , .11 d fG d , d f th : varying degrees of maturity : w1 an ways o o : nee s o o ers : : : Acts 4'.29 mt Colossians 3:2 ; Psalm 15:4 1 ; : vs. I Selfishness I Corinthians 13:3 , Philippians 2:2 I , : James 1:5 : I Thessalonians 2:7 _____________ ______ I ___________________ I ___________________ I __________________ - - : - - _____________ _____ I ___________________ I __________________ . FORGIVENESS vs. Reiection Clearing 1h6 reco rd of 1h0 Se who ~ave wronged me and allowing God to love them through me Ephesians 4 32 AVAILABILITY vs. Self-centeredness SECURITY vs. Anxiety CREATIVITY vs. Underachievement : CAUTIOUSNESS : vs. Rashness Making _my own schedule a nd P'.Ionties seco nd ary 10 the _wishes of those I am serving Philippians 2:20-21 Structuring my life around what is eternal and cannot be destroyed or taken away Approaching a need, a : Knowing how important task, or an idea from a new : right timing is in accomplishperspective ' ing right actions DETERMINATION vs. Faintheartedness DEFERENCE vs. Rudeness Purposing to accomplish God's goals in God's limeregardless of the opposition Limiting my freedom in 0rd er not to offe nd 1h e tastes of those whom God has called me to serve Romans 14:21 I John 6 27 Romans 12:2 I Proverbs 19:2 II Timothy 4.7-8 -------------------r-------------------~-------------------~------------------- --------------------~-------------------r------------------· PERSUASIVENESS vs. Contentiousness ENDURANCE vs. Giving up Guiding vital truths around another's mental roadblocks The inward strength to withstand stress to accomplish God's best : PATIENCE I vs. Restlessness I ENTHUSIASM vs. Apathy GRATEFULNESS vs. Unthankfulness Expressing with my soul the joy of my spirit Making known to God and others in what ways they have benefited my life I II Timothy 2.24 Galatians 6:9 I Accepting a difficult situation from God without giving Him a deadline to remove it Romans 5:3-4 I Thessalonians 5:16,19 I Corinthians 4:7 LOYALTY vs. Unfaithfulness Using difficult times to demonstrate my commitment to God and to those whom He has called me to serve John 15:13 MEEKNESS vs. Anger Yielding my personal rights and expectations to God Psalm 62:5 Evaluation Accountability If this manual is being studied by one who is contemplating marriage, that person is encouraged to go over the following questions with parents or other knowledgeable and wise advisors who would be able to objectively evaluate the responses. Marriage Covenant Versus Marriage Contract 1. In what three ways does a covenant marriage differ from a contract marriage? Covenant Marriage Contract Marriage 2. Based on Malachi 2:13-16, God designed a _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ marriage. 3. Are you committed to establishing a covenant marriage? D Yes D No The Test of Parental Consent 4. How do these Scriptures affirm the father's authority in a daughter's marriage? I Corinthians 7:38 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ Exodus 22:17 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ 5. If a man wins the heart of a girl before getting permission from her father for marriage, he is actually guilty of _ _ _ _ _ __ 6. Will you get parents' wholehearted consent before marriage? D Yes D No 7. How will you apply the principle in Deuteronomy 24:5 to your first year of marriage? 8. Name three facts about yourself or your past that may cause parents concern. The Test of Compatibility 9. What were the events that led up to the time you became a born-again believer? 10. How do you know for sure that the one you want to marry is a true believer? 19 11. Is the Bible your final authority for all decisions in life? D Yes D No 12. What basic teachings of the Bible would you want your future partner to believe? 13. Are you an active member of a church that honors God's Word? D Yes D No 14. Name three factors that describe a man who is a spiritual leader. 15. Name four qualities of a wise wife. 16. List the areas of jurisdiction which the husband and wife each have. Wife _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.Husband _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ 17. If you have a disagreement in your marriage, who would you go to for further counsel? 18. When you get married, who will be in charge of child discipline? _ _ _ _ _ __ 19. List two specific answers to prayer that you have experienced in your life. 20. Do you plan a time of Bible reading each morning? 0 Yes O No 21. List several passages of Scripture that you have memorized so far in your life. 22. Do you believe that music is good or evil rather than amoral? 0 Yes O No 23. Explain how your music is in harmony with the nature of God. 24. In what practical ways could self-control be demonstrated in marriage? 25. What is God's attitude about children in the following passages? Genesis 1:27-28 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ Psalm 127:3-5 20 --------------------------- 26. Will you consult with your spouse before making major purchases? D Yes D No 27. What message would you communicate to your spouse if you bought major items without approval? _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ The Test of Patience 28. Being willing to wait for marriage is an evidence of _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ 29. On the other hand, demands for an earlier marriage indicate _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ 30. List five reasons for postponing marriage. 31. Are you committed to postponing marriage for any of these reasons? D Yes D No The Test of Character 32. Review the list of forty-nine character qualities, and list which ones are vital for you to have and for your spouse to have. Wife Husband 33. Have you evaluated the one you plan to marry by placing the forty-nine character qualities in three stacks? D Yes D No What number of qualities are you sure the person has? _ __ What number of qualities are you sure the person does not have? _ _ __ How many qualities are you unsure if they have? _ _ __ Based on this, can you be confident that the person has the character required for a good marriage? D Yes D No 34. Have your parents similarly evaluated your character? D Yes D No 35. List the next character quality you plan to develop. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ 21 The Test of Financial Responsibility 36. Are you completely out of debt? D Yes D No 37. Have you purposed to live free of debt? D Yes D No 38. What salable skills or job experience do you have? _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ 39. How much did you spend last year above basic living expenses? 40. Name three purchases that you negotiated to a lower price. Item._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Asking price _ _ _ _ Final price._ _ _ __ Item,_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Asking price. _ _ _ _ Final price_ _ _ __ Item Asking price Final price. _ _ _ __ 41. List two or three items that you have received as direct answers to prayer. 42. Do you give tithes of your income? D Yes D No The Test of Expectations 43. List three inward qualities that have attracted you to the one you plan to marry. 44. How have you overcome distorted mental pictures of marriage? 45. Do you have a clear conscience from previous friendships? D Yes D No 46. Have you received a verbal and emotional release from each one? D Yes D No 47. What "treasures" are you prepared to give to the one you marry? 48. What assurance do you have that you can emotionally leave your parents? Based on your sincere and honest answers to these questions, do you feel that you are ready for marriage? D Yes D No 22 "' • . i■ffliffi' P 1 0 1 3 • , (· ..