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· 13 · Confronting the Need to Belong c0'What is really happening in a society when twelve- and thirteen- year-old girls get pregnant? Stop to consider the situation for a moment. The young girl is looking for one main thing when she has sex with...

· 13 · Confronting the Need to Belong c0'What is really happening in a society when twelve- and thirteen- year-old girls get pregnant? Stop to consider the situation for a moment. The young girl is looking for one main thing when she has sex with a boy-love, and by love I mean acceptance, worthiness, value, approval, unconditional favor. She is looking for something the boy can never provide for her, however-not fully and not forever. In some cases, the girls are hoping to get pregnant because they think a baby will give them what they are looking for-love, acceptance, wor- thiness, value. They are looking for something a baby can never pro- vide-again, not fully and not forever. And what about the twelve- or thirteen-year-old boy who joins a gang and seems intent upon proving his manhood through acts of violence and treachery, even to the taking ofanother person's life? He is trying so hard to prove that he is somebody. What is that boy craving in his heart? The love of the gang-the acceptance, worthiness, value, approval, and unconditional love of others. He is looking for something the gang can never provide for him-not fully and not forever. Young teenage girls and boys aren't the only ones who are caught up in this search for love. That same search is to be found in virtually every- one you meet, of every age, in every walk of life. It is found in the person who joins committee after committee and becomes active to the point of neglec~ing his family and his personal devotional time with the Lord. 191 192 Our Unmet Needs It is found in the person who feels driven to attend party after party, moving from one to the next until the wee hours of every morning. The need to belong and to feel the love, value, and acceptance of a group is basic to our human experience. Every person I know has spent a great deal of time and energy looking for love, value, worthiness, acceptance, unconditional favor, and lasting approval from somebody, at least in some area oflife. OUR NEED TO BELONG Where do we acquire this core inner need to belong? Often it arises because we have experienced rejection. When a child grows up in a home in which Dad and Mom are too busy for personal attention and too self-absorbed to give personal affec- tion, the child feels alienated from the family unit. It doesn't matter how much the parents claim to love the child or to be acting in the child's best interests. When attention and affection are withheld, the child feels adrift, alone, and alienated. These feelings are translated into feelings of being unloved and unwanted, and therefore unlovable and unworthy. The need to belong, however, is so basic to our identity as human beings that we will continually seek to find someplace where we belong, and someone who will count us as lovable, desirable, and worthy. We will be restless in our hearts until we find that place for our hearts to call home. A teen may look to the gang to be his family. A young adult may seek friendship in parties and peer activities in an attempt to be accepted or to gain a reputation as being one of the group. An adult may turn to group or club affiliations, even to an overactive church membership. As a pastor, I rarely have the difficulty of a person desiring to do too much in support of the church, but it does occur. And what are my cri- teria for determining that a person is overly active? When a person tells me that he is too busy with church work to spend time with a spouse or children, or he is too busy for prayer, reading the Bible, or spending time in quiet meditation before the Lord, that person is too active! The Lord never calls us to church activity or ministry to the extent that our rela- tionship with Him is neglected or our families are ignored.  Confronting the Need to Belong 193 When a child is wrapped up in the love, affection, and attention of the mother and the father, the child has a feeling of belonging. The child rarely turns to gangs or becomes overly concerned with peer approval. Certainly some concern with peer approval is going to be prevalent in each ofus, but being overly concerned with what peers think or value is never healthy, for a teen or an adult. Again, children perceive love and worthiness in two ways: attention and affection. There's an old saying that children spell love T-I-M-E. Attention translates not only into quality time but also into quantity of time. Children need for parents to be available when the children need the parents, not only when the parents think the children need them. A child who grows up believing that Mom or Dad is available at all times rarely has difficulty in grasping the concept that God is available at all times to hear the child's cries, to respond to the child's concerns, and to participate in the child's laughter. Children also need lots of hugs and kisses and closeness with their par- ents. Pure expressions of love-not marred by a parent's desire for manipulation or desire for control, and not rooted in the parent's need for physical touch-are extremely important to a child's development of self-worth. The child who believes that Mom or Dad considers him untouchable is going to conclude, "Something is wrong with me. Mom and Dad don't want to be around me or be close to me. Something about me is unlovable." Not only do children need physical expressions of affection, but they need to hear words of praise and encouragement that are translated by the children as terms of affection. They need to hear Mom and Dad speak well of them-both in the presence of others and in private moments-and to hear the words, "I love you." The child who grows up experiencing affection from a parent has little difficulty believing that God loves him, God desires to be with him, and God takes pleasure in the fact of the child's very existence. This truly is the definition of unconditional love-regardless of a person's behavior, we love solely because the person has been created by God, and out of our love, we always desire God's best to be manifested in the person's life. The person who has an adequate supply of attention and affection from parents, and who later receives this supply of attention and affec- tion from the Lord, truly has a sense of belonging. 194 Our Unmet Needs You may ask, "But, Dr. Stanley, are you talking about spiritual or emo- tional well-being?" The two cannot be separated. We are emotional and spiritual beings simultaneously. Our spiritual well-being is expressed through our emo- tions. For example, when we feel deeply moved in our spirits, we often cry. When we feel God's great presence an_d power at work in our lives, we often find ourselves with a smile on our faces. Especially in the life of a child, the things of God and the things of the family are inseparable. How a child feels about a parent and what a child feels from a parent nearly always translate 100 percent into how the child feels about God and what the child is capable offeeling from God. To a young child, Mom and Dad are such strong sources of love and such strong figures of authority that it is difficult for the child to distinguish between God and parent. People have said to me, "Well, I wasn't able to spend that much time with my child when he was a baby, but he'll get over that separation we had between us in his early life." No, he won't. That separation is a part of that child's inner emotional life. That feeling of not belonging, of being in some way unloved and unwanted, is going to lie at the core of that child's being until that need is fully met by God and wholeness is restored. I know this not only from what people have told me to be true in their lives, but also from my personal experience. Before I left home for college, I moved seventeen times. I was a child without the roots of a neighborhood community. My mother and I were on our own, without frequent or close family contact, after the death of my father when I was only nine months old until the time my mother married my stepfather a number of years later. My mother worked long hours, leaving me at home by myself and giving me the responsibility of fending for myself. I dressed myself, combed my hair, and fixed my breakfast before I left for school from the age of six onward. I know what it means to feel shortchanged in both attention and affection as a child. I knew in my mind that my mother loved me and that she was doing her best to provide for me. But in my heart, I also knew that there were times when I ached for my mother's presence and she was not available; there were times when I needed her comfort and her hugs and she was not at home; there were times when I needed for her to tell me that she  Confronting the Need to Belong 195 loved me and she did not speak those words, not because of the way she felt in her heart toward me but because she was too preoccupied with other concerns to express to me fully how she felt. I had a strong need to belong that was not met when I was a child, and I carried that need with me for many years, even decades, before I finally found that full sense of belonging in the Lord. I came to this recognition of my need for belonging and received God's provision for this need long after I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior-in fact, several decades after I accepted Christ. Coming to Christ is not the only step necessary for receiving the healing and wholeness that only Christ can give. Accepting the fact that one belongs to Christ and is fully loved and appreciated, valued, and counted as worthy by our heavenly Father is an act of faith and an act of receiving quite separate from accepting Christ. WHAT MIGHT A NEGLECTFUL PARENT DO? "What can I do now as a parent?" you may ask if you have been a neglectful parent. You can always begin to show unqualified, unconditional love to your child. It is never too late to start expressing your unconditional love. You can seek ways of expressing approval, praise, and affection to your child, as well as ways of acknowledging the value and worthiness of your child before God. You can seek to spend more time with your child and to be available to your child when your child needs you, not when you need your child. And perhaps most important, you can express to your child your sorrow that you were not a wiser, more attentive, and more affection- ate parent in your child's earlier years. You can ask your child's forgive- ness for your neglect or your lack of expressed affection. You can pray for and with your child that God will heal this hurt and provide fully for this inner emotional need in your child. All of these things can be highly beneficial, but only if you are con- sistent in doing these things in your child's life. You cannot do this once and consider that all of the past hurts are healed. You must remain faith- ful and enduring in your ongoing expressions of attention and affection. You do well to continue to intercede for your child in a focused and consistent way, praying that your child will come to rely upon the Lord Jesus Christ for all of his sense of belonging and self-worth. Ultimately 196 Our Unmet Needs this need will be met in Christ Jesus. Through Him and His Jove, mercy, and forgiveness, a person becomes truly whole. Begin to trust God with all of your heart to do in your child's life what needs to be done to bring your child to this point of full acceptance of God's love. WHY DID Goo CREATE IN Us THIS NEED TO BELONG7 Why did God create in us the need for acceptance? So we would desire to belong to Him and to be part of the family of God. God knew before you were born that there would be times when you would be rejected by the world. He knew that there would be times when you might give an opinion in a classroom that revealed your faith in Christ and subsequently be jeered by your classmates and even ridiculed by your teacher. He knew that there would be times when a colleague at work might put you down in the presence of others for your moral uprightness or the fact that you refuse to work overtime on Sundays. God knew that there would be times when even a close mem- ber of your family might rebel against the commandments of God that you ·seek to keep and might reject your faith in Christ as being out ofit or extremist in light of what the culture as a whole proclaims as accept- able and right. Furthermore, Jesus knows how rejection feels. Jesus knows what it means to be accepted by the Father. He also knows what it means not to feel acceptance. At Jesus' arrest in Gethsemane, His followers rejected Him and fled. One of His closest and dearest disciples, Peter, denied knowing Him three times. As Jesus hung on the cross and cried out to His Father, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" He was responding to feelings of not being accepted. (See Matt. 27:46.) As the full weight of the sins of all mankind fell upon Jesus, His taking on of those sins put Jesus for the first time in His entire existence apart from the Father. God the Father can- not coexist with sin. He does not remain in the presence of sin. Jesus had never known a moment of separation from the Father, nor had He ever known a moment of feeling unacceptable to His Father. He had always experienced the full approval and presence of the Father until that moment on the cross.  Confronting the Need to Belong 197 To feel a lack of acceptance was agony for Jesus. And it is agony for us. No need cuts quite as deep as our need to belong, especially our need to belong to our Creator, our heavenly Father. How ARE WE TO RESPOND TO REJECTION? How, then, are you to respond when you experience times of rejec- tion? Are you to curl up in a dark corner someplace and engage in self-pity? Are you tC? withdraw from life and decide within yourself that you are never going to have friends or people who love you and accept you in Christ? No! You are to do three very specific things when you feel an intense need to belong. t. BELIEVE WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT YOU Down through the years, I have met a number of divorced or wid- owed people who have said to me, "I feel like a nobody." My response to them is, "That's not what God says about you." God says that you are a somebody. You are a somebody who is so spe- cial and valuable to Him that He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die for your sins, and He made it possible for the Holy Spirit to come and dwell within you to remind you on a daily basis that you are a somebody in His eyes. You are valuable beyond measure to God! "But I feel so all alone in the world," someone may say. You aren't really alone. God is with you. He has promised to stay right by your side regardless of what happens to you, and even if everybody you know, and have ever known in the past, has rejected you, abandoned you, or left you, God will not leave you. That's a sure promise of God's Word! God has fashioned our relationship with Him so that we can know, through our acceptance of Jesus' death on the cross and our belief in Him as our Savior, that we are forgiven of our sin nature and made a full member of God's immediate family. We can know that we belong to God:We are His children, never to be denied, rejected, or turned away from His presence. In Romans 8:14-17 we read, 198 Our Unmet Needs For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not recei-ve the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you recei-ved the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, «Abba, Father.» The Spirit Himselfbears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also beglorified together. Regardless of the circumstances of your birth or the experiences of your childhood; regardless of your human parents or your social status; regardless of your race, sex, cultural background, or physical appearance; regardless of what others say about you or how they treat you; regard- less of anything external or historical about you; you can know that you belong fully to God's family. You are His child! In Ephesians 1 :5-6, Paul wrote that we have been predestined to "adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.,, I want you to note three things in these two verses of Scripture: First, as a believer in Christ Jesus, you are an adopted child of God. In the time that Paul was writing, adoption of a child was a very serious step. A parent might disown a natural-born child, but a parent could never disown or disavow an adopted child for any reason. A parent might cut a natural-born child out of his will, but an adopted child could never be refused part of the adoptive parent's estate. To be adopted meant that a child had full legal and financial rights related to the parent, and that those rights could not be denied. When you and I accept Jesus Christ as our Savior, we are adopted as children of God and are heirs to all of God's provision. We are heirs with Christ of all that God the Father has made available to His Son. Second, God adopts you solely on the basis of the "good pleasure of His will." Your part involves believing in and accepting Jesus Christ as Savior. No other works need to be performed. No other good deeds must be accrued. Jesus has paid the price in full for your salvation and your adoption as a child of God. You are accepted on the basis of what Jesus did and on the fact that the heavenly Father desires and takes plea- sure in your acceptance of Christ. Nothing that you ever do can undo the good pleasure of God's will in this matter. Just as you cannot earn your  Confronting the Need to Belong 199 salvation or your adoption, neither can you lose your salvation or your adoption through your actions. Third, God fully accepts you in the Beloved. You do not need to do anything to earn the status of accepted or included in the body of Christ. Regardless of what human beings may say or do, God requires nothing but your belief for you to be fully accepted. We human beings often have long lists of works that must be performed, accomplishments that must be earned, or rituals that must be completed before we accept one another into our clubs and organizations. Even on an informal basis, we often set up certain criteria for those we will accept into our clique group or social set. Not so with God! You are fully accepted in the Beloved the moment you accept Jesus Christ as your Savior. Acceptance is a step beyond adoption when it comes to how we feel. Adoption can be perceived as a cold, hard, legal fact. But acceptance is a warm, intimate fact of the heart. Adoption can be regarded as some- thing objective and outward. But acceptance is totally subjective and inward. God not only adopts you; He also accepts you. He guarantees you all of the privileges of being His child, and He extends to you the genuine fellowship of His presence and invites you to enter into a deep and intimate relationship with Him. What good news this is! We do not have to do anything to win our way into the arms of our heavenly Father. We do not have to achieve any- thing before we enter His presence. He makes Himself totally and com- pletely available to us. In recent years, I have noted the vast number of contests that seem to have provision for instant winners. While our faith is certainly not a con- test or something to be trivialized, we are instant winners of the fullness of God's love and presence the very moment we believe in Jesus Christ as providing our atonement for sin. 2. SEEK GOD'S ACCEPTANCE FIRST A woman who had recently been divorced by her husband confessed to me, "I feel as if I have been torn from my roots. My life has been ripped apart. I don't feel as ifl belong anyplace anymore." This woman felt the deep separation from her husband, to whom she had given her life and with whom she had built a life, and she felt sep- arated from everything that she knew·as a routine, a relationship, an 200 Our Unmet Needs association. She felt disjointed because she no longer had the responsi- bilities and daily chores that she once had. She felt that all of her friend- ships were out of harmony because her friendships had always included her former husband or were friendships she and her former husband had established togethei:. Even her relationships with her children and other members of the family were affected. She no longer had the same feeling of relationship with her form~r in-laws. She felt herself a stranger in the church she had attended with her husband, even though church mem- bers were loving toward her and continued to include her in their invi- tations. Church services just didn't seem the same to her since she had faithfully attended the same church with her husband for most of the years of their marriage. Divorce is devastating because it destroys a person's sense of belong- ing. It creates an even greater need to belong, a need that isn't felt as keenly or as deeply when a person is happi~y married. "What can I do?" this woman asked me. "Go to Christ," I said. "He has promised to be a husband to the widow, and as far as you are concerned before the Lord, you are just as a woman whose husband has died. He has left you just as completely as if he had died. Trust the Lord to be the One who provides for you, who gives you your identity, and who comforts you in your loneliness. Trust Him to direct your paths and to give you the responsibilities and daily chores that He desires for you to do in service to Him. Trust God to be the One who shelters you from evil, who teaches you and upholds you, who guides you on a daily basis. Trust Him with the whole of your life and surrender yourself completely to Him." Have you accepted God's acceptance? Are you counting His accep- tance of you as being far more important than the acceptance by any other person or group? Or are you still setting up obsta,cles to this accep- tance in your heart? "But what about... ?" "Except perhaps... " "As soon as... " "Ifyou only knew about... " Are you still trying to come up with excuses for why God can't accept you fully into the Beloved? Are you still downgrading God's acceptance? Give it up! If God chooses to adopt you and to accept you fully jnto  Confronting the Need to Belong 201 the Beloved as the result of the good pleasure of His will, then that is God's choice, and there is absolutely nothing that you can do to undo God's plan and God's acceptance. You can balk against it, refuse to accept God's acceptance, and resist the warmth of His spiritual embrace, but you cannot negate or change His acceptance and adoption of you. I watched a young child stand in obstinate rebellion against the out- stretched arms of her father. Her father wanted his little daughter to come to him and receive his hug, and she had decided that she wanted to be by herself and ignore her father. The father waited patiently, his arms outstretched as he gently called her name. She did everything in her power to ignore her father. She tried very hard to preoccupy herself with other things and to go about her business of playing with various toys. But eventually she looked at her daddy. And when she saw the love in his eyes, she forgot all about her agenda. She raced to him and allowed him to scoop her up and hug and kiss her. She not only giggled in delight at his embrace but also genuinely hugged him back. It was a tender moment. Oh, how our heavenly Father longs to have you run to His arms, to accept His acceptance, and to enjoy His presence. You have been given the ability and prerogative to ignore Him, continue on your own way, and rebel against His desire for your close presence. But why not look at Him fully and see the love He has for you? Why not give in and yield to His tender and compassionate embrace? Why not receive all that the Father longs to give you? Why not choose to be the recipient of His love and to accept His acceptance? 3. RECOGNIZE THAT GOD WILL NEVER REJECT YOU Perhaps you are reluctant to believe God accepts you fully because you are afraid that you might one day lose His acceptance and love. Nothing, my friend-absolutely nothing-can destroy your acceptance by God or diminish His love extended to you. Not now, not ever. When my grandson was very young, the first thing he would do when he came to my house was to demand that he be brought to me, and then once in my P.resence, he would demand that I pick hill?- up and hold him on my lap. On more than one occasion, I was at my computer working on a sermon or notes for a Bible study when my grandson came to visit. Even so, he was content to sit on my lap and watch me push the keys on 202 Our Unmet Needs the keyboard and see the words appear on the screen. Nothing needed to be said between us. The truth is, at his young age he wasn't exactly speaking my language yet. The only message that he truly understood, and the only message that was truly important that he understand, was that his grandfather loved him, wanted to be close to him, and delighted in his physical presence. He understood through my holding him on my lap that I loved him. I can tell you precisely what was attractive to my grandson about sit- ting on my lap. It was the warmth of my presence, the acceptance of my touch, and the fact that I loved my grandson for just who he is and I was delighted to have him on my lap. He intuitively and emotion~ly felt my acceptance and love, which fulfilled part of his need for belonging. When he was with me, he had a sense-rightly so-that there was no other per- son I would rather have been with in that moment. ' Friend, that's the way God feels about you and me. When we come to Him, whether we are aware ofit or not, He picks us up, holds us on His divine lap, and lov~s us. He delights in being with us. He enjoys watch- ing us enjoy the world around us. He holds us tenderly. And there is no other person in the world He would rather be with. The amazing truth about our infinite God is that He is capable of holding you and me at the same time and expressing to us all of His love and attention so that each of us is the sole object of His concern. In our finite minds we cannot grasp that, and we cannot do what God alone can do. But in God's great and infinite love, He can meet all of my need for belonging just as surely as He can meet all ofyour need for belonging, and He satisfies our need with His loving presence. The greatest intimacy occurs when two people are deeply in love, and they don't need to say anything to each other. Each knows that the other is 100 percent contented, comfortable, and adored. Such silence is rich and meaningful, soothing and healing. And very often, our need for belonging is met fully when we come to sit in the Lord's presence in silence, not saying anything to God but absorbing in our spirits all that God desires to give to us of His love, compassion, and tender con- cern. When you come to the Lord to have Him meet your need for intimate bdonging, come to Him with a heart open to receive all that He gives you. Come with a desire to just sit for a while in the close presence of the  Confronting the Need to Belong 203 Lord. Come with a willingness to be held tenderly in His everlasting arms. Allow yourself to relax in His presence. If a sin comes to your mind, confess it to Him and receive His for- giveness. If a thought comes to your mind, express it to Him. If a word of praise fills your heart, voice it softly as if whispering it into His ear. This is not a time for you to attempt to justify yourself, apologize for your actions or feelings, or feel guilty for your lack of responsiveness to God in the past. This is a time for you to accept the fact that Jesus has justified you before the Father, Jesus has freed you to receive the Father's fa"rgiveness and love, and Jesus has taken away all guilt from your life. This is a time for experiencing the gentle warmth of God's Holy Spirit as it flows around you, in you, and through you. As my grandson, Jonathan felt he belonged in my lap. As a child of God, a person who has received Jesus Christ as your Savior, you belong in God's presence. You are 100 percent welcome there. You are desired there. He longs for you to be there. THE FAMILY AND THE CHURCH ARE TO BE PLACES OF BELONGING God intends for us to have places on this earth where we feel com- pletely secure and accepted. That is the Lord's desire for us in our fam- ilies. He desires for each person in a family to have a sense of belonging, regardless of personality quirks or unusual traits. The Lord also desires for each person who is part of a church to have a sense of belonging. The church is to be a place where people of many spiritual gifts and practical talents can find opportunities to be of service to Christ and can work together to bring about the furtherance of God's kingdom on this earth. The church is to be a place of loving accep· tance--not acceptance of sin, but certainly acceptance of sinners. It is to be a place where a person can be appreciated for being a child of God and a special creation of God. Belonging to a church should run far deeper than simply signing a membership roll or attending regularly. Belonging should be a feeling of caring and of serving and of acceptance. CONFRONTING THE INSTIGATORS OF A NEED TO BELONG God does not hate divorced people, but God does hate divorce because it so completely devastates the people He loves. God does not hate children who rebel and run away, physically or 204 Our Unmet Needs emotionally, from their parents, but God does hate rebellion because rebellion inevitably produces forms of hatred and rejection. God hates all of the causes that deepen our need to belong because the deeper the need, the greater the healing that must take place in our lives. The things and the people that cause us to feel a greater need to belong are not of God. They act as el).emies and as countermeasures to God's purposes. There are times when we need to take a firm stand and say no to those who would attempt to destroy us. We must say no to those who sin against us. We must say, "No, you will not destroy me." "No, you will not influence my life for evil." "No, you will not cause me to move away from my commitment to the Lord Jesus Christ." "No, you will not abuse me any longer." At the same time we say no to things that alienate, estrange, and pro- duce rejection, we must say yes to things that unite, bridge, and bring us together as genuine believers in Christ Jesus. "Yes, I will let you help me." "Yes, I will join hands with you." "Yes, you may join my group." God calls His children to be one in the Spirit. As we unite with other believers for the purposes of praise, worship, ministry, and evangelism, God's kingdom on this earth is advanced. The body of Christ is expanded. And the body to which we belong becomes ever more acces- sible to us. Gl~ING A SENSE OF BELONGING TO OTHERS Part of what allows us to accept God's acceptance of us is for others to accept us. As Christians, we grow in our ability to accept ourselves when other Christians accept us. What are some practical ways we might show our acceptance of others? First, I encourage you to greet others in the name of the Lord with a hearty handshake, a clasp on the shoulder, or even a hug if that is appro- priate to your relationship with the person. Men in the church should feel free to hug other men in the church-don't let the world's warped  Confronting the Need to Belong 205 views influence you in this. Ifyour love is pure, you can hug folks and have that hug be pure! Acceptance is felt by children and adults alike through physical touch. We should be sensitive about how others might perceive and receive physical touch. If you sense at all that another person is uncomfortable with your physical closeness or a hug, don't force your presence on that person. Too often, however, we err at the opposite end of the spectrum. People are starving for expressions of physical concern and closeness, and we withhold our touch. Second, tell other believers that you love them in the Lord. Don't let the world's continual overtones of sex confuse the issue or keep you from saying that you love others. Nothing is finer than an expression of pure and godly love between two followers of our Lord Jesus Christ. To say to a Christian friend, "I love you," is to say to that person, "You belong and I belong. I accept you; I value you; I care about you as God cares about you." Third, be free in your compliments and praise of others. Build up oth- ers. Not in a fake or artificial way. Not with a fawning attitude or a manipulative undercurrent. False flattery can always be detected. Be gen- uine. Something can be praised or complimented in every person. Find it. Be generous in saying to a person, "Your smile always brightens my day," or "The sight of you always warms my heart." An expression of praise for God's gifts in another person's life is always welcome. It is a reminder to that person that he is, indeed, special to God and that he is God's unique and beloved creation. Fourth, when you hear of a need and there is something practical that you can do to meet that need, get involved. Visit the hospital. Go to the funeral. Take a gift of food or flowers to the home of the person who is experiencing a hard time. Stop by to visit and say a prayer with the per- son who is struggling. When you extend a gift of your time, presence, talents, and resources, you say to another person, "I'm in this with you. You and I are part of the same body of Christ." "But," you may say, "I have this need for acceptance in my life. How can I get my need for acceptance met?" The very same way! Greet others in a loving way, just as you would like to be greeted. As you greet them, you will receive their greeting in return. 206 Our Unmet Needs Be free and bold in telling others you love them. You'll hear loving words in return. Accept them! Give genuine compliments to others. Their thanksgiving and appre- ciation will form a bond between you. Be quick to serve others. In giving, you will receive. There's an old but true phrase, "To make a friend, be a friend." To give acceptance to others is to receive acceptance. To widen your circle of friends to include others is to be included in the broader circles of their lives. Jesus taught; "Give, and it will be given to you" (Luke 6:38). When you give to others a sense of belonging, you feel a greater sense of belonging.  · 14 · Confronting the Need to Feel Competent CJS3'"What do you do?" How many times have you been asked that question by a stranger? So often the first thing we ask about a person we meet, after we have exchanged names, is a question related to a job or a position in a company. Our sense of work is tied to the deep need we have to feel com- petent. We have a deep inner need to feel that we are capable of doing something that contributes and that matters. I have met a number of people through the years who have been told from their childhood, "You'll never amount to anything." What a terri- ble message regarding a person's worthiness or value. The truth of God is what that person needs to hear! God says you do amount to something. You are so valuable that God desires to live with you forever. He desires to transform your sin nature into the very nature of Christ Jesus. He has a plan and purpose for your life, and He desires to help you fulfill that plan and purpose by giving you the Holy Spirit to help you in every way that you need help. Paul wrote these encouraging words to the Ephesians: "We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God pre- pared beforehand that we should walk in them" (Eph. 2: 10). God created you to be competent. He created you to be able to do good works. Furthermore, God already had the good works in mind for you to do before He created you. Think for a moment about a carpenter who is getting ready to build a 207 208 Our Unmet Needs house. He has the blueprints in hand. He has acquired all of the m~te- rials necessary, including all of the lumber. He looks at his tools and says, "For this particular job, I need a hammer." And he pulls out a hammer and begins to use it. In a similar fashion, God had a job in mind that needed to be done this year, in your particular area of the world. He cre- ated you to be His tool, His instrument, His vessel in getting that job done. He made you from your birth to be fully equipped, fashioned, and prepared for doing the job He had planned. All of your life He has been developing in you the competency required so that as you yield yourself to His Spirit-placing yourself in His hands as the Master Craftsman of the ages-His purposes can and will be accomplished. It is up to you, then, to discover what you were created to do, to develop your talents to the highest performance level possible, and then to employ your talents in a way that will bring glory to God. Suppose someone asks you, "Why did God make me? Why am I here?" You can answer that person with wisdom: "God made you to be here. He gave you specific talents and abilities for you to use in fulfill- ing His plan and purposes for the ages. He made you to bring glory to 0 Himself. He made you to have fellowship with Him and to be in a close, intimate relationship with Him." I can think of no higher purpose than for a person to be a close per- sonal friend of God and to use the talents that God has given him to the best of his ability all the days of his life. It is.to this life we are called. It is for this purpose that-the Holy Spirit helps and guides us on a daily basis. A SENSE OF COMPETENCE Competence is a feeling that we are capable of doing something that matters or that makes a difference in our lives and in the lives of others. Competence is knowing how and then actually doing something that renders a service to mankind. Competence is the development of God- given talents and abilities through study, practice, and experience. It is the acquisition of skill and ability. Every person has a built-in need to feel that he is good at something. It is an "I can" and "I'm capable" attitude. I overheard a father say to his son in a sporting goods store, "I'm not  Confronting the Need to Feel Competent 209 going to buy you a tennis racket. You can't play tennis." My question for that father was, "How do you know? He doesn't have a racket, so how can you know if he can play tennis!" Never tell another person, especially a child, that he can 1t do some- thing. It is far better to say, "Let's see what you can do." Set up your child for success at tasks, not failure. Give him a mind-set of trying and exploring as he discovers and develops God-given talents. A mother was so totally convinced that neither of her children could sing that she bypassed an opportunity to enroll her children in a chil- dren's choir at church. She based her understanding of her children's ability on the fact that she had very little musical talent and couldn't carry a tune. A wise Sunday school teacher overheard the two children singing choruses in a Sunday school class and told the children's choir director about them. He called them to his office at the church for an audition and discovered that both of them were exceptionally talented. They became part of their local church choir and eventually part of a citywide choir. One of the children then went on to sing in a national boys' choir. Let your child experiment with his talents in a positive way. Not every experience is good for a child to have, but experiences that allow a child to discover his talents are generally good ones. One can usually find a group situation in which a child can explore his talents, such as a school band, orchestra, or choir; a cooperative team activity in sports, such as soccer; a school club that focuses on a particular interest or skill, a group ballet or gymnastics class, and so forth. Let your child know in advance that you are not requiring him to become the best in the world at his choice of activity, but you do want your child to try his best, all in the perspective of discovery. If your child finds that he has little or no apti- tude for the activity, don't belittle his efforts. Help your child conclude, "This just isn't my thing. It's nice to know that early in life. Let's see what else I might enjoy." Don't give up too soon, however, in conclud- ing that your child has no ability in a certain area. One or two lessons are not going to reveal virtuosity. Also recognize that some activities are fun even if a person is not highly skilled at the activity or does not have great talent in it. Many people enjoy playing sports or singing even if they are never going to have careers in sports or music. Competence is not exclusive to those 210 Our Unmet Needs who are experts at a task or skill. It also includes those who are good enough at a task or skill to enjoy the activity. COMPETENCY VS. COMPETITION Never push your child to be'number one. Encourage your child's best, but your child's best may not be the best in a group. To push a child to be number one is to move beyond competence into competition. A fiercely competitive spirit can kill many godly traits. It can also lead to frustration, anxiety, and poor interpersonal skills. Competition is inevitable in our society without a parent having to push a child to be competitive. DISCOVER ALL YOUR GIFTS God has gifted each ofus in one or more areas oflife. Every person ever born has had at least one talent. We all have the ability to be good at something, and often at two or more things. Most people I know have the ability to do more than they presently are doing. Most children I meet have abilities that neither they nor their parents have yet uncov- ered. Furthermore, God always encourages the development and use of the gifts He has given us. In truth, He has given us our gifts so that we will develop and use them. God, however, has not gifted'any person to be able to do everything. Experts in this area have estimated that most people have two to five strong gifts or talents, and that very few people have five or more talents. Most people have two or three prominent areas of giftedness, and these areas have been resident in them from birth. Competence lies in knowing not only what you are good at doing, but also what you are not good at doing. If someone required me to teach a calculus class tomorrow morning, I'd probably choose to call in sick. And I would be sick because I have absolutely no aptitude for calculus and never have had any aptitude for that subject. I did not excel in math in school, and had no interest in math, and God did not call me to a career that involves extensive math. Math is not my gift. I know that, and I trust others to be the mathematicians in our world. My gifts lie else- where.  Confronting the Need to Feel Competent 211 I am not the least bit embarrassed to admit to you that I would be a failure as a calculus teacher or as a mathematician. Neither should you be embarrassed about an area fhat is not your gift, even if you are in the presence of someone who has that gift. Each of us has been crafted uniquely and specifically by God for His divine plan. To each ofus, He has given talents and gifts that are important to the accomplishment of His purposes, and no one, area of talent or giftedness is superior to oth- ers when the talent is developed to the highest level possible and is used for the glory of God. Neither should you be ashamed of your talents and gifts. Embrace them. Develop them. Become an expert at what you are innately good at doing. And above all, do what God has gifted you to do with good, consistent effort. As you work at your skill, you will develop your skill. As you apply your skills to help others, you will be a success in God's eyes, and in all likelihood, you will also experience success in the practi- cal and material areas of life. ENCOURAGE THE TALENTS OF OTHERS Be an encourager of the gifts of others. There is plenty of opportunity for every person to become excellent in his use of his gifts. One person excelling in one area does not mean that another person might not excel in the same. area or a different area. Can you imagine how the disciples must have felt when they saw Jesus at work? They no doubt thought, I'd love to be like Jesus, but I could never do the things He does. Jesus didn't share that opinion. Read what Jesus said to His disciples on the night of the Last Supper: "Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father" (John 14:12). Many people I know have a strong desire to be better than others, and they resent those who are equally talented or who seem to have superior talent. They are jealous of people who do more or better work than they do. Jesus didn't suffer from that complex. He wanted His disciples to accomplish even greater things than He had accomplished in His three years of active ministry. Certainly none of the disciples were going to be required to be the definitive sacrifice for the sins of all mankind-none 212 Our Unmet Needs of them had been chosen from before their birth for that task. The apos- tles were not called to be the Savior. But they didn't have to be! Jesus filled that role. Each of the apostles was called to give his life in the ser- vice of the Lord in a different way. Jesus affirmed that when He met with the disciples after His resur- rection. Jesus said to Peter, "Most assuredly, I say to you, when you were younger, you girded yourself and walked where you wished; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will gird you and carry you where you do not wish" (John 21:18). Jesus was telling Peter how Peter would die for the glory of God, and then He said to Peter one more time, "Follow Me." Peter then asked Jesus, "What about this man?"-referring to the apostle John. And Jesus replied, "If! will that he remain till I come, what is that to you? You follow Me." (See John 21 :21-22.) John went on to say in his Gospel account that Jesus said that not because John would remain alive until Jesus returned, but that what Jesus did in John's life was the business only ofJesus and John. It was to be none of Peter's concern. We must have that attitude. The Lord has a plan for each of us, and it is our responsibility to live out that plan in obedience and faithfulness. What the Lord plans for another person's life-and how that other per- son lives out God's plan- is the business only of the Lord and that per- son. It is not our responsibility. We are to encourage and help others as they fulfill God's plan in their lives, but we are not the creator, origina- tor, manipulator, or policeman of that plan and purpose. God is fully capable of dealing with each person individually, and our role is to trust Him completely with our lives and with the lives of those we love. Parents so often desire to instill talents and traits into their children that God has not placed there. They attempt to play God in the lives of their children. We all have heard parents say, "My son is going to be a doctor," or "My daughter is going to be the first female president of the United States." Maybe so, maybe not. That is up to God and the son or daughter in question. He has a plan for each life, and His plan may not be remotely what the parent desires or attempts to manipulate. More often than not, parents seem to be the last to know what God has called their children to be and do. They are so intent on seeing that their children fulfill their own desires for them, they fail to see objectively  Confronting the Need to Feel Competent 213 the unique talents and gifts that.God has placed in their children, or be aware of the unique calling that God has placed on the use of those tal- ents and gifts. Choose to see your children as God sees them. Choose to encourage in your children the development of the talents God has given them. WE CANNOT LIVE IN OUR OWN STRENGTH We are not equipped to fulfill God's plan for our lives in our own strength. God has given us talents and abilities, and He has given us the Holy Spirit to enable and empower us to use our talents and abilities effectively. The Holy Spirit is the One who guides us into all truth (John 16:12). He is our Helper in all things (John 15:26). AF, competent as we may become in our own strength, we are never as fully competent by ourselves as we can be if we will allow the Holy Spirit to work in us and through us to accomplish God's will for us. Our com- petency may be great, but it is never complete until we allow the Holy Spirit to enlarge, enhance, multiply, and bless our efforts. Indeed, there are some things in which we seem to fail, but God works the failures for a good purpose. This is one of the messages of Romans 8:28: "We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." There have been times when I have not seen an immediate result from my preaching or teaching of God's Word. I knew in my spirit that hearts should have responded but had not responded as God desired in a par- ticular congregation of people to whom I preached. Did I consider my efforts in preaching to be a failure? No. I knew that God had given me the message I preached, that I had done my best in delivering the mes- sage. Therefore, I felt confident that i:he consequences of my preaching were up to God. He is the One who moves on the heart to respond to the gospel of Jesus Christ. My sermon was, at the very least, one more Christ-honoring seed in the life of the person God was calling to Himself. Anytime we engage in ministry efforts, we are likely to conclude that we have been incompetent if others do not respond in the way we think they should respond. That may not be the case at all. A deep inner work may be put into motion in the life of another person without any visible, 214 Our Unmet Needs outward sign. The results ofwhat we do are in God's hands. He can take anything that we do or give in love, with a right motive, and turn it into something effective and purposeful in the lives of others. In 2 Corinthians 3:5-6, Paul wrote about our proper attitude toward competency: "Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God, who also made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant." What good news that God is the One who makes us competent and that He is the One who makes all of our ministry efforts "sufficient." Can you fail in witnessing to others about Christ? Not if you give your witness to the best of your ability and with a heart motivated by love. Can you fail in praying for others in the name of Jesus? Not if you pray the way God leads you to pray and with a heart motivated by love. Can you fail in doing a work of ministry that is designed to help oth- ers? Nat if you are acting as God has led you to act and you offer your services with a heart motivated by love. Certainly we benefit.at all times by receiving wise instruction from human mentors and the wise counsel of the Holy Spirit. Certainly we benefit from practice and from life experiences that make us more humanly competent. But in the end, God is the One who is responsible for bringing about the consequences of our eff~rts. TRUST Goo WITH THE CONSEQUENCES Consider the doctor who prescribes medications or performs surgery. He does what he is skilled to do, to the best of his ability, and with a desire to see a person made well physically. But can that doctor heal a person? Can he make the medicines work? Can he force the healing of the tissues that have undergone surgery? No. God heals. Consider the preacher who prays for a person's healing. He does what he is trained to do, to the best of his ability, and with a heart filled with faith and love. But can that preacher cause healing to occur? No. God heals. We do what we do-with as much human competency as possible- and then we must trust God to do what only He can do in our lives and in the lives of others. Paul wrote to the Philippians, "I can do all things through Christ who  Confronting the Need to Feet Competent 215 strengthens me" (Phil. 4: 13 ). Does that mean that Paul could do all things? Was he talented in every area of life? No. Paul was the first to admit his weaknesses and failures. But Paul could do all things through Christ who strengthened him. Paul could do whatever the Lord empow- ered and enabled him to do. He was completely reliant upon the Lord to do the Lord's work in him and through him. You, too, can do whatever the Lord leads you to do if you trust in the Lord to give you the ability and the power to do it. Nothing is beyond the realm of possibility if you trust God to he! p you fulfill His plan for your life. When God gives us a destination point, He gives us the road to travel. When God orders something done, He gives the provision to accomplish the job. WE GROW IN COMPETENCY Competency is developed over time. As we develop our God-given skills and traits, the Holy Spirit enhances the abilities at every stage of development. The Holy Spirit, however, never skips a developmental stage or allows us to become an expert overnight. The Holy Spirit could do that since the Spirit of truth knows all things. But for us to have instant success or to become an instant expert would not be in our best interests because we would not have developed the patience, discipline, and other character traits necessary for us to know how to use and apply our skills in the best ways. Competency can be a dangerous thing ifit is separated from wisdom, which is the ability to know when and where to act so that God's full purposes are realized. A highly skilled or knowledgeable person can miss God's perfect timing or fail to apply skills and knowledge when and how they are needed, and the results can be devastating, even though the competency is evident. So often we desire too much too soon. This is true in our desire to become highly competent and in our desire for material success, career success, and family success. Competency takes time for full development. The acquisition of wisdom happens over time. Character is built slowly. David knew about the development of competency over time. David was anointed to be the king ofisrael fairly early in his life, probably when he was a teenager. Yet David did not automatically become king. 216 Our Unmet Needs In the military realm, few people experienced as much success as David did. We must remember, however, that David slew a bear and a lion long before he encountered Goliath. God was working in David while he was a shepherd, giving him experiences that would instill courage in him. David, for his part, no doubt spent countless hours prac- ticing with a slingshot while tending his father's flocks. He also grew in his reliance upon God. When David recalled his shepherding experiences for King Saul, he was quick to say, "The LORD, who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear, He will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine" (1 Sam. 17:37). David's faith was balied upon the Lord's presence in his life during past experiences. And so it is with our competency. The Lord works through our competency, at whatever stage we have developed cei:tain skills, and the Lord makes us effective and successful. When King Saul tried to give young David his armor, including his helmet and his coat of mail, David could not even walk in the king's armor. David said to Saul, "I cannot walk with these, for I have not tested them" ( 1 Sam. 17:39). David was not competent as a soldier when fully armed in the armor of Saul. His skills were with a sling and a hand- ful of stones. Very often we attempt to rely upon certain equipment or possessions to give us the competency we otherwise lack. Equipment can enhance competency, but it never makes up for an absence of competency. I enjoy taking photographs, and over the years, I have learned a great deal about photographs and have taken literally thousands of photographs around the world in all kinds of conditions. A fine camera is a wonderful tool to have as a photographer. I know that having the right gear, and having top-quality gear, can make a significant difference in the quality of the photographs I take. And yet I also know that a good photographer can take a good photograph with an old box camera. The eye that is neces- sary for a photographer to have-the ability to see a good shot and to capture it well-is a skill that can and must be developed quite apart from having state-of-the-art equipment. The very best equipment in the hands of a person who doesn't know how to use it or who hasn't devel- oped the skills necessary to compose a good shot is equipment wasted. So it is with all skills and abilities. Good equipment can be of help, but only if you know how to use that equipment to full advantage.  Confronting the Need to Feel Competent 217 David did not go from being a favorite person in the king's court to being king. The Lord allowed David to be in exile for more than a decade, all the while refining certain leadership skills in him. In exile, David wrote many of the psalms that we have in our Bibles today. In exile, David learned to trust God-in all circumstances, regardless of his personal feelings. Those years of being on the run from Saul, often fear- ful for his very life, were years that the Lord used to refine certain com- petencies in David-to make him an excellent statesman and military commander as well as a compassionate leader and provider for his fol- lowers. ASK Goo TO REVEAL YOUR TALENTS TO You If you are not fully aware today of the unique talents and gifts that God has given to you-and that have been present in you from your birth-ask God to reveal those gifts to you. Once God reveals your unique talents, ask Him to help you develop them. Be sensitive to ways in which you might receive further training in your area of talent. Avail yourself of learning opportunities. Discipline yourself to practice regularly your craft, skill, or ability. As you develop your talents, ask God to reveal ways in which you can use your talents for His glory. Don't wait until you are an expert. Part of the way to become an expert is to start using your talents for God's pur- poses when your talents are at the beginner stage. God will use you to the degree and in the capacity that are right for your stage of develop- ment. And always praise God for your giftedness. God has given talents to you. What you do with the talents becomes your gift to God!..  · 15 · Confronting the Need to Feel Worthy CJS3'-While our most b~sic spiritual need is to receive forgiveness from God, our most basic emotional need is to have self-worth. We have a great need for worthiness. We have a built-in need to be able to say, "I'm worth something." "I'm worth having around." "I'm worthy to be noticed and appreciated." "I'm worth having as a friend." "I'm worthy of this job." By self-worth, I am not referring to a cocky, self-centered attitude that cries, "Hey, look at me. I'm special." Such an attitude is nearly always a mask for deeper feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-worth. Neither am I referring to a pride born of years of bad teaching that conveys the attitude, "I'm worthy because I'm born into this special family, nation, tribe, or race." Such an attitude is rooted in bigotry, and deep within, a person who makes such a claim often has serious doubts about the truth of his claim. No, I'm talking about a genuine, heartfelt feeling of value and self-worth. THE NEED TO FEEL WE ARE WORTHY Self-worth is simply what it says. A person has a feeling that he is worth something-worth knowing, worth having around, worth conversing 219 220 Our Unmet Needs with, worth touching, worth calling a friend, worth dating, worth laugh- ing with, worth loving. Self-worth is having a feeling of being valuable. What is the source of self-worth? How do we acquire self-worth? The opinions of value that are offered by parents who love uncondi- tionally do a great deal to create in a child a feeling of self-worth, and often this feeling forms a foundation of self-value that lasts a lifetime, long after the parents have died. The opinions of grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, pastors, and other valued adults and friends can contribute immeasurably to self- worth. The greatest source for building up self-worth in a person is God Himself. His is the foremost opinion that we must come to believe. We must see that God considers us to be valuable and worthy-that He delights in having created us and that He loves us unconditionally. In the end, it is love-and especially the infinite, unconditional, for- giving love of.God our heavenly Father-that creates in us a feeling of value and worth. If Jesus, God's Son, went to the cross for us, surely we are worthy. If Christ died so that we mig~t live with God forever in a heavenly home, surely we have value. If God created us, redeemed us, and desires to call us His children forever, surely w_e are of great impor- tance to Him. The answer to feelings of unworthiness is love. An always-and-forever kind oflove. A love that is based not upon what a person does, but upon who a person is-a beloved child of almighty God. Ultimately, however, the person must believe inside himself, I am wor- thy. I am valuable. The person must come to believe what others have said and are saying about him. The person must agree with those who say, "You are a likable, lovable, cherished person who has tremendous value and worth on this earth." And the person must come to accept with assurance, I am loved by God. I am counted as worthy and valuable in God)s eyes. I am God)s child. A PERVASIVE LACK OF SELF-WORTHINESS On the surface, you may have concluded that just about everybody in our society today has a tremendous sense of self-worth. So much bravado and self-confident behavior are shown on television and voiced on radio  Confronting the Need to Feel Worthy 221 that you may think, Pm the only person who feels lowly and unworthy in this entire nation. Not so. In my experience, the majority of people have low self-worth. 'How do I know that? Because I have the opportunity to meet a lot of people and to shake hands with many of those I meet. It is the rare exception, not the rule, for me to meet a person who will look me right in the eye and carry on a conversation. It is the exception, not the rule, for me to meet a person who will give me a hearty, firm handshake instead of a limp, dishrag handshake. "But," you may be saying, "that's because you're Dr. Stanley, and they are nervous about meeting you because they have seen you on tele- vision or they know you are a preacher." Perhaps to a degree that is the reason. But the real reasQn, I believe, goes far deeper than that. The real reason lies in the fact that they do not feel worthy in God's presence. When I meet a person who looks me in the eye and gives me a firm handshake, I nearly always discover in the course of our conversation that the person has a sure, ongoing, and growing relationship with the Lord. The person knows that he has been forgiven, has a daily walking- and-talking relationship with the Holy Spirit, and truly feels loved by God and by others. I have met millionaires and heads of corporations and founders of highly successful businesses who could not look me in the eye when the talk turned to anything personal, emotional, or spiritual. I have met people who have been happily married for several decades yet could not look me in the eye when the subject of our conversation turned to their early childhood or their relationship with God. I have met people who have earned significant awards or achieved major accomplishments but suddenly seemed to go limp inside when the conversation turned to per- sonal relationships or issues that involved emotions. It is not possible to project and to sustain a projection of self-value if a person's worthiness is not derived from knowing the forgiveness and love of God. And in my experience, the majority of people, including a high percentage of Christians I meet, have not truly received God's for- giveness and love. They believe God has forgiven them. They know in their minds that God loves them because the Bible says so, but they have not received in their souls the forgiveness and love of God. 222 Our Unmet Needs I can relate to them. I've been there. I lived for years believing in, and even preaching, the forgiveness and love of God without having a per- sonal emotional experience related to God's love. It was not until I opened myself fully to God's love and allowed myself to receive His heal- ing for the wounded part of me suffering from rejection and loneliness early in life that I truly became able to feel worthy in God's presence. THREE ROOT CAUSES OF Low SELF- WORTH I believe three primary reasons are at the root oflow self-worth: ( 1) abusive neglect, (2) repeated failures, and (3) sin. t.ABUSIVE NEGLECT LEADS TO FEELING UNIMPORTANT Perhaps the foremost reason for low self-worth is some form of abu- sive neglect that a person experienced as a child. That abuse is not nec- essarily the type associated with abandonment and physical neglect. When it comes to neediness of the inner person, one of the worst forms of abuse occurs when a child is made to feel unwanted. Consider the child who comes into a room wanting to ask Dad or Mom a question or to spend time with Dad or Mom, but the parent says, "I'm too busy now." The message is perceived by the child, To Dad, Fm not as important as the newspaper he is reading. To Mom, I'm not worth as much as her soap opera on television. Children rarely want to spend much time in conversation. They ask questions, get answers, and then move on to the next thing that captures their attention. They sit close a while, perhaps give or receive a hug, and then they are off. If you are a parent, I encourage you to take time for your child when your child needs a moment. Most chores can be post- poned for a few seconds or minutes. Most activities can be interrupted without your suffering harm or losing out on important information. If you must delay your response to your child for a minute or two, call your child to your side and put your arm around him so that you convey the message, I want you close to me. I like being with you. I'm not rejecting you, · merely delaying my response to your question for a few moments. Other forms of abuse also send a message to children that might be summed up, What I want is vastly more important than whatever pain I cause you. Again, the message is internalized as a lack of self-worth.  Confronting the Need to Feel Worthy 223 Although I do not believe that home-schooling is necessarily right for every child or every parent) I see one great benefit in it-a benefit that is rarely the reason that parents decide to home-school their chil- dren. Children who are home-schooled always seem to convey to me a very strong sense of self-identity and self-worth. I believe that is directly linked to the hours that the child's parents spend with him. The child has an intuitive sense) I am important to my parents. I am so important that they want the very best for me, inclu!i,ing the very best edu- cation they believe they can give to me. I am so important that they are willing to give their time and energies to be with me. My parents believe I have the ability to learn this material, and therefore, I must be able to learn it. I have little doubt that the high achievement scores that are attributed to many home-schooled students are directly related to the home- schooled child's self-confidence and feelings of self-worth. A cycle is cre- ated: the child feels worthy, the child gives an even better effort to learning as a result of the feelings of self-worth, the child achieves more and learns more, the child has an enhanced feeling of self-worth through his accomplishments and the resulting praise from the parents, and the cycle goes round again. Many people tell me that the quantity of time spent with a child doesn't matter as long as it is quality time. I heartily disagree. Children who do not feel they have access to their parents when they need access feel ignored, shunned, and of diminished worth. Such children inevitably have problems with their self-worth later in life. 2. REPEATED FAILURES SABOTAGE SUCCESS A second key reason for low self-worth is related to failure. If you take an objective look at people who have succeeded greatly in their careers or their talents) you likely are going to find people who have also failed on a number of occasions. Babe Ruth, for example, was the home-run king. He was also the strikeout king. Thomas Edison made a number ofimportant discoveries and inventions. He also had thousands of failures in the course of his career, including thousands of failures related only to the inventing of the electric lightbulb. Michael Jordan is perhaps the most outstanding basketball player ever to have played the game to date. Jordan did not make his high school varsity basketball 224 Our Unmet Needs team the first year he tried out for it. More than a few people we consider to be stars had numerous flops in their early endeavors. This is not only true in our world today. It was also true in Bible times. Some of the greatest heroes of the Bible experience~ times of failure. Moses, for example, had a speech problem. He was not an Egyptian, although he lived in the home of one of Pharaoh's daughters. As a young adult, Moses killed an abusive Egyptian and ran from the consequences. He began living among a foreign people in a distant place to hide out from Pharaoh, who sought his life in retribution. He had been a shepherd in Midian for nearly forty years when God called him to deliver the Israelite people from Egyptian slavery. From a human standpoint, Moses was per- haps the least likely person to be chosen as a spokesman for his people in the court of Pharaoh. His life was largely a failure up to that point.. The difference between those who have succeeded in spite of their failures and those who have allowed their failures to create low self- worth is this: those who have succeeded have not internalized their fail- ures. They have not thought less of themselves personally for having failed. They have refused to think of themselves as failures or worthless. Failure is something they have done but not something they are. This is a huge difference. In some cases, failures have spurred them on to try harder or to explore new avenues. Those who allow failure to be inter- nalized often give up in their failures and refuse to take the risk of failing again. One of the most important lessons you can ever learn is this: failure is something you do, not something you are. If you did not learn that les- son as a child, begin to learn it now! 3. UNFORGIVEN SIN LEADS TO GUILT A third root cause oflow self-worth is sin. Sin operates in our lives like termites. It erodes or eats away at our sense of value deep inside. A person cannot help having a de~ree of guilt over sin, and guilt eats away at self-worth. The person who has unconfessed sin and an unforgiven sin nature will find it very difficult to forgive others freely or to accept admiration, love, or forgiveness from others. Those who marry with deep guilt feelings have a need for love that no spouse can ever fill in their lives, no matter what the spouse may do or say.  Confronting the Need to Feel Worthy 225 Something that often happens in the lives of those with unconfessed sins is that they destroy or sabotage their successes. In part, this happens because they do not feel worthy of what they seemingly have achieved. They undermine their efforts. At times the actions they take seem bizarre or even laughable-it's as if they are lashing out to destroy the very thing they have worked so hard to create. They do not feel they deserve the reputation that goes with achievement. I have seen businessmen get to a high level in their businesses and then make an unwise decision that sets them back significantly. That can happen to anyone, but these businessmen generally manage to rise to that high level again, only to make a similar unwise decision that sets them back again. The cycle is repeated several times. It's as if something in them cries out, "You don't deserve what you have accomplished." That failure to maintain success may be rooted in a parent saying to a child early in life, "You'll never amount to anything. You'll never suc- ceed." But it also is rooted at times in a person having unconfessed sin, and the guilt of the sin cries out, "Those who sin as you have sinned do not deserve this kind of reward in life." At times the sin is not a person's sin but the sin of others. A child may be the true victim of a parent's sin, yet the child assumes guilt related to that sin. At times the guilt associated with the sin of a sibling or a close relative other than a parent can be guilt that a person transfers to him- self. Ev'en though such guilt is false guilt-guilt that is not deserved and should never b~ internalized-the result is the same: a demeaning, self- deprecating spirit of unworthiness. At times the sin is a person's own sin. The person might have com- mitted the sin years ago, even decades ago, but the sin has never been confessed and released to God. The person has never received in his spirit the forgiveness of God. And thus, the guilt remains and continues to fes- ter deep within. Guilt does not evaporate over time. It does not disappear through denial. It does not go away when a person becomes an adult. It does not stop gnawing at a person just because the person says, "I'm not going to think about that any longer," or "I'm not going to let that bother me." Rather, guilt continues to bore a hole in the soul of a person and even- tually comes roaring to the surface where it results in behavior that is always harmful to the person and sometimes harmful to others. 226 Our Unmet Needs If a person does not deal with past sin and guilt, the person will be reluctant to believe that others genuinely love him or forgive him. It is nearly impossible to perceive that others can love deeply without having an ulterior motive. The only way to deal definitively with guilt is to confess the sin asso- ciated with it. A person must go to God and say, "I acknowledge this sin, and I own up to it before You, God. I ask You to forgive me for my sin and to wash this sin from my conscience and from my soul." If you have uneasy, needy feelings in your life, I encourage you to examine your past and to face any unconfessed sin. Allow God to forgive you and to free you. In receiving God's forgiveness, you are also receiv- ing God's love, which declares you to be worthy of His forgiveness and love. Only in Christ Jesus can genuine worthiness be found. THREE TRAPS THAT BESET PEOPLE WITH Low SELF- WORTH The feelings associated with low self-worth are pervasive. The person feels rejected, discouraged, and at times invisible, as if he is truly a nobody. When a person does not have a healthy sense of self-worth, he will always have an inner feeling of something lacking. He will have an abiding feeling of neediness, of feeling on the outside, of feeling like an observer, of feeling hungry and dissatisfied for something more in life. It won't matter how much money, property, or rewards the person acquires. It won't matter how great the title or the status achieved. It won't matter how many or what types of relationships the person has. If the inner feeling of being valuable and worthy is not intact, the person will have a pervasive and a prevailing sense of neediness deep within. When a person has such feelings oflow self-worth, he is much more inclined to fall into one of three traps that often beset those with low self-worth. These traps are enticements to take action to overcome the feelings of unworthiness. They are traps that create an aura of worthi- ness: ( 1) the trap ofappearance, (2) the trap of perfect performance, and (3) the trap of status.  Confronting the Need to Feel Worthy 227 t. THE TRAP OF APPEARANCE Very often people who are completely wrapped up in their appearance feel unworthy deep in their spirits. They hold to the conviction that they must look their best at all times in order to have others think well of them. What a trap this is! Eventually everybody has a day when he does not look great. What happens then? The person becomes depressed and feels even more unworthy. Of even greater consequences is the aging process. What happens when the person wakes up one day and discovers that he no longer looks as handsome as he did in the past? The realiza- tion can be devastating to a person oflow self-worth. I have met women, and a few men, who are so devastated at their loss of beauty that they do not desire to be around people they once consid- ered close friends. This happens especially if they become ill with any type of degenerative or wasting disease. They don't want anybody to see them in their condition, and they turn their backs on those who would like to visit them and bring them words of encouragement, pray for them, or help them in practical ways. God does not desire that we create any form of false security. That can mean putting trust in things. It also can mean putting trust in appear- ance or in one's reputation with others. I once heard about a woman who had worked for years to meet the need for approval in her life. She had changed virtually everything about her physical body. She had gone through more than a dozen surgeries to have various features of her physical self altered, lifted, augmented, diminished, or straightened. She went through twenty-three years of professional counseling from therapists who didn't know Jesus Christ as their Savior and Lord. She read hundreds of books in an attempt to improve herself, and along the way, she earned a doctorate and took cooking lessons at one of the finest chef schools in the world. She did everything she knew to do to make herself more intellectually stimulating and therefore appealing to oth- ers. She tried meditation, travel to distant monasteries, self-deprivatio~ for inner enlightenment to make herself more emotionally appealing to oth- ers. She got involved in all sorts of good works and charitable efforts to 228 Our Unmet Needs win approval from others. She worked her way to the top of a corporation to win the praise of those she counted as important. And in the end, she still felt a need deep within for validation and worthiness and self-iden- tity. It was only when she confessed her sinful nature to God and accepted the death ofJesus Christ on the cross as being the full atonement for her sin that she experienced the approval of God. She was completely and gloriously immersed in His forgiveness and love. And everything else she had attempted to do on her own paled in comparison. None of it truly mattered. God had loved her all along, just the way she was. God had valued her as His beloved child from the moment she was conceived in her mother's womb-and even before. He had allowed her to go through many self-improvement attempts, but none of the attempts had increased or decreased His opinion of her, His love for her, or His com- passion for her. And she knew it. The woman did not allow herself to degrade herself or condemn her- self for the false paths she had followed. Rather, she focused on what God said about her, what God had done for her through Jesus Christ, and what God desired to do in her and through her by the power of the Holy Spirit. She is on the path today of trusting God with more and more of her life, and she is becoming a truly outstanding witness to God's love-not through anything she is doing to win approval, but through what she is allowing God to do in her heart and mind. Does she have the approval of God? She does! Having His approval is all that matters to her. Does she have the approval of other people? To a very great extent, she does-not because she is seeking it, but because others are experi- encing the love she pours out to them, others are being led to Christ through her friendship, and others are being helped through her gen- erosity toward them. They are approving the right things in her-the God-produced character, the godly traits, the God-centered focus. Does she feel approval? Yes. And she is humbled by it. She delights in the awesome fact that God loves her and has forgiven her and is prepar- ing her to live with Him forever. She also feels the acceptance and appre- ciation of others, but she doesn't rely on them. She is grateful for their acts oflove and kindness toward her, but people are no longer her source for approval. God is.  Confronting the Need to Feel Worthy 229 The good news I hold out to you today is this: what God has done and is doing in this woman's life, He desires to do in your life. He longs for you to accept His approval through accepting His Son's death and desir- ing the Holy Spirit's presence in you. He longs for you to look to Him for approval rather than to others. And when you do, He will give you vastly more than you have ever imagined or hoped. Material possessions never satisfy. Consider the young woman who grows up being taught repeatedly by her mother that appearance is everything-it's the key to being liked, to getting married, to being con- sidered acceptable in society, to getting a good grade in a class or a good job. This young woman does everything possible to make herself pre- sentable and attractive. And yet her efforts don't seem to be enough. She still doesn't seem to have many friends. She still isn't married. She still doesn't get invited to what she perceives to be the "best" parties. She concludes that she must have more expensive clothing and jewelry and accessories. She decides that she must go to the most expensive salons, and once there, she opts for the most thorough makeovers. When these efforts don't produce the results she desires, she buys st~ll more expen- sive possessions to give her the appearance she believes is so vital. Eventually she is deeply in debt. What is this woman's need? Well, from the surface it may seem to be debt because she has far exceeded her means in obtaining all of the pos- sessions and beauty-related services she has desired. Others might say, "This woman is materialistic and superficially hooked on things." Others might say, "She suffers from vanity and pride." But what is truly at the root of this woman's feelings of neediness? An unfilled need to feel worthy enough to be loved or liked. Her mother couldn't accept her just as she was. This woman, as a young girl, inter- nalized the belief that she had to look a certain way and present a certain appearance to others in order for her mommy to love her. Love was con- ditionally granted based on appearance. And the little girl has been searching for that love ever since. Material things will never satisfy this young woman. They will never lead her to what she truly desires. The more material possessions she acquires in her quest for acceptance based upon physical beauty and appearance, the more her material possessions will disappoint her. Furthermore, her preoccupation with her physical appearance is very 230 Our Unmet Needs likely to consume her time, energy, and talents to the point that she turns away from the Lord and the establishment of a relationship with Him. The person who is obsessed with what others will think very often tries to keep his relationship with Christ a secret from peers, colleagues, and even family members who do not follow Christ. Such a person is afraid that being perceived as a Christian could cause him to be seen in a negative light, and thus, a Christian witness becomes counterproductive to the quest for acceptance. Jesus taught very plainly that we cannot pursue the material things of this world and at the same time pursue the things of the Spirit (Matt. 6:24). 2. THE TRAP OF PERFECT PERFORMANCE Those with low self-worth also attempt to perform with perfection. They cannot oear for others to see them slip up or fail to any degree in any task or skill. Anything less than an A+ grade is a cause to hide their faces. A trip on a stair is a devastating embarrassment. A burned slice of toast is counted as a failure. Perfect performance isn't possible in this life. God most certainly does not require it. When self-worth is based upon performance, anxiety and frustration are nearly always present. A sad reality is that those who associate perfect performance with wor- thiness often expect perfect performance from their children. I have heard parents belittle their children for making a B on a test. Any person overhearing their remarks would have thought the children had failed the test, committed a major crime in the process, and brought shame upon the family for the next several generations. I have had parents tell me later, "He could have done better. He just didn't try. He has to try if he's going to succeed as an adult. I am criticizing him for his own good to encourage him to try harder." One look at the child's face tells me that isn't so. In the first place, the child isn't encouraged to do better. He may be afraid to do the same or worse, but he isn't genuinely encouraged to do better. In the second place, the child is injured by the parent's public belittling far more than the child is helped in any way. And in the third place, the child might have given the test his best effort. What happens when a best effort isn't good enough? In most cases, the issue is not the child's performance at  Confronting the Need to Feel Worthy 231 all, but the way the parent feels about the performance. The child hasn't performed to perfection, and the parent feels that the child must be per- fect so that perfection can reflect upon the parent. I heard a parent at a Little League game shout with great anger and frustration at his son for not making a hit. The young man was a very fine ballplayer. He had one of the highest batting averages on the team. But on that one occasion he struck out. From listening to the parent, you would have thought that the child had never made a hit in his entire life and that he had absolutely no talent for the game. Who was the failure in this instance? Why, the parent, of course. That father very likely has his reputation and self-image totally wrapped up in his son's perfor- mance. When the son fails to be perfect, the father internalizes that fail- ure as his own. What a sad trap! Sooner or later, we all fall short of our own best. We all come in sec- ond, third, or even last place. We all have moments when we don't achieve to the level we would like to achieve, when we fail to prepare as thoroughly as we could, or when we don't perform as well as we have at other times. That's part of being human. God does not require perfect performance from us at all times, and we are unwise to require it of our- selves or our children. I have also met a few people who require perfection of their spouses- men who believe their wives must always look perfectly dressed and keep a perfectly clean and beautiful home, women who believe their husbands must always look perfectly groomed and drive a spotless vehicle and win the top awards at work every month. Such people are likely suffering from personal feelings of unworthiness. Deep inside, they believe their only hope for being considered worthy of the praise of others, and ulti- mately the praise of God, is that the spouse is perfect and that perfection reflects upon them. 3. THE TRAP OF SOCIAL STATUS Many people feel they must rate in the eyes of others in order to have worth. They ascribe to others the defining opinion that belongs to God alone. If a neighbor buys a new car, they must buy one. If a colleague at work gets a raise, they feel the need to demand a raise for themselves. 232 Our Unmet Needs If a friend gets a date with a pretty girl, they feel compelled to find an even prettier girl to date. The trouble with status is that no person ever has enough ofit. The bar keeps raising as the competition gets greater. The person who is in hot pursuit of status will move to a new and more expensive neighbor- hood, only to find that he must have more and more signs of personal wealth in order to feel worthy in that neighborhood. Once he has achieved a sense of being accepted in that neighborhood, he finds rea- son to move on to an even more expensive lifestyle. When is enough status acquired? Never, to the person who is caught in this trap. The opinion of an even more important person will always be required and desired. In the end, the only opinion that truly counts is God's opinion. THESE TRAPS REQUIRE CONSTANT EFFORT Continual, sustained effort is required from a person who is caught in any of these three traps. If the trap is status, the person must continually strive to maintain status or achieve higher status. If the trap is perfor- mance, the person must continually maintain perfect performance or strive to improve performance to the perfection level. If the trap is appearance, the person must continually work at looking good. A great deal of money is required, which also is almost always related to effort. Usually one must work even harder to afford the material things that have become associated with status. One must spend con- siderable sums on clothing, jewelry, spa treatments, plastic surgery, and so forth if appearance is to remain at a perfection level. One must spend countless overtime hours and engage in. countless community service activities if one is to be perceived as perfect in performance at all times. God never intended for us to spend all of our time, energy, and mate- rial substance on these things in an effort to feel worthy of the respect and admiration of others, and ultimately His respect and admiration. To strive for these things is to be totally caught up in the doing of works in an effort to please God and even to impress God. Works don't cut it with God. God responds to humility, faith, and expressions of thanksgiving and praise. God isn't impressed with what you accomplish, earn, or acquire, be it money, things, fame, or beauty. God wants a relationship with you, and in order for that relationship to  Confronting the Need to Feel Worthy 233 be established and to grow, you must come to Him in humility and ask Him to forgive your past sin nature, to change your nature so that you will no longer desire to sin, and to help you live the life He desires for you, not the life you map out for yourself. God wants a walking-and-talking relationship with you. Your appear- ance, your status before others, and your performance matter little to God. He is concerned about the state of your heart and your innermost desires for eternal things. You can wear yourself ouf trying to achieve an external appearance of worthiness. You also are likely to wear out others as well, including your spouse or your children. And for what end? THE FUTILITY OF SELF-STRIVING Your striving to live in your own strength to achieve a semblance of worthiness based upon the opinions of others is futile for several reasons: First, it is a life that cannot be sustained by any person for all ofthat per- son's life. No matter how high you fly, how much you achieve, how excel- lently you perform, and how perfect you may be in performance, the day will come when you will not be able to sustain that level. Second, people are fickle and standards change. The very people you are trying to impress may still not like you or think well of you. Or if they like you one day, they may not like you the next. No person, no matter how fine a performer, how beautiful, or how famous, sustains admiration in the public eye for long periods of time. Our cultural definitions of beauty change. Those who won beauty contests fifty years ago may not even be in the race today. Our cultural definitions regarding the things that are "in" change rapidly. Today's fashions last for today; the "in" looks are likely to be very different a year from now. Our cultural defin- itions regarding performance also change. Records are broken every sea- son. The times that won races fifteen years ago may not even be qualifying times in today's races. Those who made $50,000 a year were considered wealthy fifty years ago, but today the standard has moved much higher. Third, most people eventually see through the efforts ofa person to achieve status and beauty as a means ofgaining self-worth. People as a whole don't admire status, performance, or appearance nearly as much as they 234 Our Unmet Needs admire character and heroic acts of service to others. Your reputation is not the result of how good you looked at the last party, what car you drove to the party, or how hard and how smart you worked in order to be able to buy that car. Your reputation is going to be based on the way in which you treated other people once you were in their presence, the quality of topics you discussed and the ideas you expressed, the manners and the kindness you extended, and the way in which you spoke with honesty, integrity, and morality. Fourth, God does not accept us, love us, or for.give us on the basis ofper- formance criteria. He does not love the beautiful more than the ugly. He does not love the high achiever more than the low achiever. He does not love the rich, famous, and others of high social status more than the poor, unknown, and those of low social status. Nothing you can do regarding status, performance, or appearance will elevate you one inch in God's eyes. He accepts you because you come to Him believing in Jesus Christ as the One who has taken upon Himself the full conse- quences of your sin. He loves you because He created you and has cho- sen to love you from the moment He first thought of you. He forgives you because you have faced up to your sin nature and have opened your heart to receive His forgiveness. A STRIVING FOR PERFECTION Striving for perfection is the ultimate form of self-striving. It can occur in striving for appearance, performance, or status, but it generally is more pervasive to cover all areas of one's life. Anytime you show me a person who is consumed with having everything in his life ho.n ed to absolute, down-to-the-detail perfection, I will show you a person with a very deep-seated lack of self-worthiness. I'm not talking here about a person who tries to do his best or encour- ages the best from others. I'm talking about a person who will not settle for anything other than being the best in any given group ofpeople, con- tinually is obsessed with having the best, performing the best, and accom- plishing the best regardless of the task. He will require that every.person with whom he is associated perform at 100 percent output without error. At the root of perfectionism is not a desire to do one's best, as a per- fectionist often claims. Rather, it is a desire to be acceptable and ulti- mately to prove oneself acceptable to God.  Confronting the Need to Feel Worthy 235 One of the easiest ways to determine whether a person is a perfec- tionist is this: Can the person laugh at his foibles and innocent mistakes? I'm not talking about deliberate or rebellious errors, but innocent human "goofs" that we all make from time to time and that are a part of being human. Can a person laugh at those things and go on, or does he seem to withdraw into himself in embarrassment or even express anger at himself or others? Is the laughter genuine and lighthearted, or is it cover-up laughter that is really a sign of embarrassment and shame? The perfectionist will tend to internalize every mistake and to think about his mistakes repeatedly, each time with a sense of shame. The non- perfectionist will be able to leave the incident behind. During the early years· of my ministry as a pastor, I was a perfection- ist. I drove myself to do everything I knew to do as a young pastor, and then I sought to do more. No effort was ever quite good enough. I always had a feeling that I could preach better, counsel better, have things in bet- ter order, study the Bible more, pray more. I spent every waking hour improving my performance so that I might be pleasing to those whom I pastored. In truth, I was striving very hard to please God because I was never really sure that He was 100 percent happy with me or my efforts. At the same time I drove myself toward perfection, I drove those who worked with me toward perfection. I expected everything to be in tip-top order at every moment, and I had a very low tolerance for error. I covered my perfectionism, as most perfectionists do, by stating that I simply wanted to do my very best and that God deserved my best. Now there is nothing wrong with doing one's best, and certainly God deserves our best effort, but there was a very big problem in the way I defined best. Best was being better than anybody else. Best was being better than anyone with whom I might be compared. Best was coming out number one. God