Confronting the Need to Belong PDF

• 13 • Confronting the Need to Belong c .i ..NWhat is really happening in a society when twelve- and thirteenyear-old girls get pregnant? Stop to consider the situation for a moment. The young girl is looking for one main thing when she has sex with a boy—love, and by love I mean acceptance, wort...

• 13 • Confronting the Need to Belong c .i ..NWhat is really happening in a society when twelve- and thirteenyear-old girls get pregnant? Stop to consider the situation for a moment. The young girl is looking for one main thing when she has sex with a boy—love, and by love I mean acceptance, worthiness, value, approval, unconditional favor. She is looking for something the boy can never provide for her, however—not fully and not forever. In some cases, the girls are hoping to get pregnant because they think a baby will give them what they are looking for—love, acceptance, worthiness, value. They are looking for something a baby can never provide—again, not fully and not forever. And what about the twelve- or thirteen-year-old boy who joins a gang and seems intent upon proving his manhood through acts of violence and treachery, even to the taking of another person's life? He is trying so hard to prove that he is somebody. What is that boy craving in his heart? The love of the gang—the acceptance, worthiness, value, approval, and unconditional love of others. He is looking for something the gang can never provide for him—not fully and not forever. Young teenage girls and boys aren't the only ones who are caught up in this search for love. That same search is to be found in virtually everyone you meet, of every age, in every walk of life. It is found in the person who joins committee after committee and becomes active to the point of neglecting his family and his personal devotional time with the Lord. 191 192 • Our Unmet Needs It is found in the person who feels driven to attend party after party, moving from one to the next until the wee hours of every morning. The need to belong and to feel the love, value, and acceptance of a group is basic to our human experience. Every person I know has spent a great deal of time and energy looking for love, value, worthiness, acceptance, unconditional favor, and lasting approval from somebody, at least in some area of life. OUR NEED TO BELONG Where do we acquire this core inner need to belong? Often it arises because we have experienced rejection. When a child grows up in a home in which Dad and Mom are too busy for personal attention and too self-absorbed to give personal affection, the child feels alienated from the family unit. It doesn't matter how much the parents claim to love the child or to be acting in the child's best interests. When attention and affection are withheld, the child feels adrift, alone, and alienated. These feelings are translated into feelings of being unloved and unwanted, and therefore unlovable and unworthy. The need to belong, however, is so basic to our identity as human beings that we will continually seek to find someplace where we belong, and someone who will count us as lovable, desirable, and worthy. We will be restless in our hearts until we find that place for our hearts to call home. A teen may look to the gang to be his family. A young adult may seek friendship in parties and peer activities in an attempt to be accepted or to gain a reputation as being one of the group. An adult may turn to group or club affiliations, even to an overactive church membership. As a pastor, I rarely have the difficulty of a person desiring to do too much in support of the church, but it does occur. And what are my criteria for determining that a person is overly active? When a person tells me that he is too busy with church work to spend time with a spouse or children, or he is too busy for prayer, reading the Bible, or spending time in quiet meditation before the Lord, that person is too active! The Lord never calls us to church activity or ministry to the extent that our relationship with Him is neglected or our families are ignored. Confronting the Need to Belong • 193 When a child is wrapped up in the love, affection, and attention of the mother and the father, the child has a feeling of belonging. The child rarely turns to gangs or becomes overly concerned with peer approval. Certainly some concern with peer approval is going to be prevalent in each of us, but being overly concerned with what peers think or value is never healthy, for a teen or an adult. Again, children perceive love and worthiness in two ways: attention and affection. There's an old saying that children spell love T-I-M-E. Attention translates not only into quality time but also into quantity of time. Children need for parents to be available when the children need the parents, not only when the parents think the children need them. A child who grows up believing that Mom or Dad is available at all times rarely has difficulty in grasping the concept that God is available at all times to hear the child's cries, to respond to the child's concerns, and to participate in the child's laughter. Children also need lots of hugs and kisses and closeness with their parents. Pure expressions of love—not marred by a parent's desire for manipulation or desire for control, and not rooted in the parent's need for physical touch—are extremely important to a child's development of self-worth. The child who believes that Mom or Dad considers him untouchable is going to conclude, "Something is wrong with me. Mom and Dad don't want to be around me or be close to me. Something about me is unlovable." Not only do children need physical expressions of affection, but they need to hear words of praise and encouragement that are translated by the children as terms of affection. They need to hear Mom and Dad speak well of them—both in the presence of others and in private moments—and to hear the words, "I love you." The child who grows up experiencing affection from a parent has little difficulty believing that God loves him, God desires to be with him, and God takes pleasure in the fact of the child's very existence. This truly is the definition of unconditional love—regardless of a person's behavior, we love solely because the person has been created by God, and out of our love, we always desire God's best to be manifested in the person's life. The person who has an adequate supply of attention and affection from parents, and who later receives this supply of attention and affection from the Lord, truly has a sense of belonging. 194 • Our Unmet Needs You may ask, "But, Dr. Stanley, are you talking about spiritual or emotional well- being?" The two cannot be separated. We are emotional and spiritual beings simultaneously. Our spiritual well-being is expressed through our emodons. For example, when we feel deeply moved in our spirits, we often cry. When we feel God's great presence and power at work in our lives, we often find ourselves with a smile on our faces. Especially in the life of a child, the things of God and the things of the family are inseparable. How a child feels about a parent and what a child feels from a parent nearly always translate 100 percent into how the child feels about God and what the child is capable of feeling from God. To a young child, Mom and Dad are such strong sources of love and such strong figures of authority that it is difficult for the child to distinguish between God and parent. People have said to me, "Well, I wasn't able to spend that much time with my child when he was a baby, but he'll get over that separation we had between us in his early life." No, he won't. That separation is a part of that child's inner emotional life. That feeling of not belonging, of being in some way unloved and unwanted, is going to lie at the core of that child's being until that need is fully met by God and wholeness is restored. I know this not only from what people have told me to be true in their lives, but also from my personal experience. Before I left home for college, I moved seventeen times. I was a child without the roots of a neighborhood community. My mother and I were on our own, without frequent or close family contact, after the death of my father when I was only nine months old until the time my mother married my stepfather a number of years later. My mother worked long hours, leaving me at home by myself and giving me the responsibility of fending for myself. I dressed myself, combed my hair, and fixed my breakfast before I left for school from the age of six onward. I know what it means to feel shortchanged in both attention and affection as a child. I knew in my mind that my mother loved me and that she was doing her best to provide for me. But in my heart, I also knew that there were times when I ached for my mother's presence and she was not available; there were times when I needed her comfort and her hugs and she was not at home; there were times when I needed for her to tell me that she Confronting the Need to Belong • 195 loved me and she did not speak those words, not because of the way she felt in her heart toward me but because she was too' oo preoccupied with other concerns to express to me fully how she felt. I had a strong need to belong that was not met when I was a child, and I carried that need with me for many years, even decades, before I finally found that full sense of belonging in the Lord. I came to this recognition of my need for belonging and received God's provision for this need long after I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior—in fact, several decades after I accepted Christ. Coming to Christ is not the only step necessary for receiving the healing and wholeness that only Christ can give. Accepting the fact that one belongs to Christ and is fully loved and appreciated, valued, and counted as worthy by our heavenly Father is an act of faith and an act of receiving quite separate from accepting Christ. WHAT MIGHT A NEGLECTFUL PARENT DO? "What can I do now as a parent?" you may ask if you have been a neglectful parent. You can always begin to show unqualified, unconditional love to your child. It is never too late to start expressing your unconditional love. You can seek ways of expressing approval, praise, and affection to your child, as well as ways of acknowledging the value and worthiness of your child before God. You can seek to spend more time with your child and to be available to your child when your child needs you, not when you need your child. And perhaps most important, you can express to your child your sorrow that you were not a wiser, more attentive, and more affectionate parent in your child's earlier years. You can ask your child's forgiveness for your neglect or your lack of expressed affection. You can pray for and with your child that God will heal this hurt and provide fully for this inner emotional need in your child. All of these things can be highly beneficial, but only if you are consistent in doing these things in your child's life. You cannot do this once and consider that all of the past hurts are healed. You must remain faithful and enduring in your ongoing expressions of attention and affection. You do well to continue to intercede for your child in a focused and consistent way, praying that your child will come to rely upon the Lord Jesus Christ for all of his sense of belonging and self-worth. Ultimately 196 • Our Unmet Needs this need will be met in Christ Jesus. Through Him and His love, mercy, and forgiveness, a person becomes truly whole. Begin to trust God with all of your heart to do in your child's life what needs to be done to bring your child to this point of full acceptance of God's love. WHY DID GOD CREATE IN US THIS NEED TO BELONG? Why did God create in us the need for acceptance? So we would desire to belong to Him and to be part of the family of God. God knew before you were born that there would be times when you would be rejected by the world. He knew that there would be times when you might give an opinion in a classroom that revealed your faith in Christ and subsequently be jeered by your classmates and even ridiculed by your teacher. He knew that there would be times when a colleague at work might put you down in the presence of others for your moral uprightness or the fact that you refuse to work overtime on Sundays. God knew that there would be times when even a close member of your family might rebel against the commandments of God that you seek to keep and might reject your faith in Christ as being out of it or extremist in light of what the culture as a whole proclaims as acceptable and right. Furthermore, Jesus knows how rejection feels. Jesus knows what it means to be accepted by the Father. He also knows what it means not to feel acceptance. At Jesus' arrest in Gethsemane, His followers rejected Him and fled. One of His closest and dearest disciples, Peter, denied knowing Him three times. As Jesus hung on the cross and cried out to His Father, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" He was responding to feelings of not being accepted. (See Matt. 27:46.) As the full weight of the sins of all mankind fell upon Jesus, His taking on of those sins put Jesus for the first time in His entire existence apart from the Father. God the Father cannot coexist with sin. He does not remain in the presence of sin. Jesus had never known a moment of separation from the Father, nor had He ever known a moment of feeling unacceptable to His Father. He had always experienced the full approval and presence of the Father until that moment on the cross. Confronting the Need to Belong • 197 To feel a lack of acceptance was agony for Jesus. And it is agony for us. No need cuts quite as deep as our need to belong, especially our need to belong to our Creator, our heavenly Father. How ARE WE TO RESPOND TO REJECTION? How, then, are you to respond when you experience times of rejection? Are you to curl up in a dark corner someplace and engage in self-pity? Are you to withdraw from life and decide within yourself that you are never going to have friends or people who love you and accept you in Christ? No! You are to do three very specific things when you feel an intense need to belong. 1. BELIEVE WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT YOU Down through the years, I have met a number of divorced or widowed people who have said to me, "I feel like a nobody." My response to them is, "That's not what God says about you." God says that you are a somebody. You are a somebody who is so special and valuable to Him that He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die for your sins, and He made it possible for the Holy Spirit to come and dwell within you to remind you on a daily basis that you are a somebody in His eyes. You are valuable beyond measure to God! "But I feel so all alone in the world," someone may say. You aren't really alone. God is with you. He has promised to stay right by your side regardless of what happens to you, and even if everybody you know, and have ever known in the past, has rejected you, abandoned you, or left you, God will not leave you. That's a sure promise of God's Word! God has fashioned our relationship with Him so that we can know, through our acceptance of Jesus' death on the cross and our belief in Him as our Savior, that we are forgiven of our sin nature and made a full member of God's immediate family. We can know that we belong to God. We are His children, never to be denied, rejected, or turned away from His presence. In Romans 8:14-17 we read, 198 • Our Unmet Needs For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, 'Abba, Father" The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together. Regardless of the circumstances of your birth or the experiences of your childhood; regardless of your human parents or your social status; regardless of your race, sex, cultural background, or physical appearance; regardless of what others say about you or how they treat you; regardless of anything external or historical about you; you can know that you belong fully to God's family. You are His child! In Ephesians 1:5-6, Paul wrote that we have been predestined to "adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved." I want you to note three things in these two verses of Scripture: First, as a believer in Christ Jesus, you are an adopted child of God. In the time that Paul was writing, adoption of a child was a very serious step. A parent might disown a natural-born child, but a parent could never disown or disavow an adopted child for any reason. A parent might cut a natural-born child out of his will, but an adopted child could never be refused part of the adoptive parent's estate. To be adopted meant that a child had full legal and financial rights related to the parent, and that those rights could not be denied. When you and I accept Jesus Christ as our Savior, we are adopted as children of God and are heirs to all of God's provision. We are heirs with Christ of all that God the Father has made available to His Son. Second, God adopts you solely on the basis of the "good pleasure of His will." Your part involves believing in and accepting Jesus Christ as Savior. No other works need to be performed. No other good deeds must be accrued. Jesus has paid the price in full for your salvation and your adoption as a child of God. You are accepted on the basis of what Jesus did and on the fact that the heavenly Father desires and takes pleasure in your acceptance of Christ. Nothing that you ever do can undo the good pleasure of God's will in this matter. Just as you cannot earn your Confronting the Need to Belong • 199 salvation or your adoption, neither can you lose your salvation or your adoption through your actions. Third, God fully accepts you in the Beloved. You do not need to do anything to earn the status of accepted or included in the body of Christ. Regardless of what human beings may say or do, God requires nothing but your belief for you to be fully accepted. We human beings often have long lists of works that must be performed, accomplishments that must be earned, or rituals that must be completed before we accept one another into our clubs and organizations. Even on an informal basis, we often set up certain criteria for those we will accept into our clique group or social set. Not so with God! You are fully accepted in the Beloved the moment you accept Jesus Christ as your Savior. Acceptance is a step beyond adoption when it comes to how we feel. Adoption can be perceived as a cold, hard, legal fact. But acceptance is a warm, intimate fact of the heart. Adoption can be regarded as something objective and outward. But acceptance is totally subjective and inward. God not only adopts you; He also accepts you. He guarantees you all of the privileges of being His child, and He extends to you the genuine fellowship of His presence and invites you to enter into a deep and intimate relationship with Him. What good news this is! We do not have to do anything to win our way into the arms of our heavenly Father. We do not have to achieve anything before we enter His presence. He makes Himself totally and completely available to us. In recent years, I have noted the vast number of contests that seem to have provision for instant winners. While our faith is certainly not a contest or something to be trivialized, we are instant winners of the fullness of God's love and presence the very moment we believe in Jesus Christ as providing our atonement for sin. 2. SEEK GOD'S ACCEPTANCE FIRST A woman who had recently been divorced by her husband confessed to me, "I feel as if I have been torn from my roots. My life has been ripped apart. I don't feel as if I belong anyplace anymore." This woman felt the deep separation from her husband, to whom she had given her life and with whom she had built a life, and she felt separated from everything that she knew .as a routine, a relationship, an 200 • Our Unmet Needs association. She felt disjointed because she no longer had the responsibilities and daily chores that she once had. She felt that all of her friendships were out of harmony because her friendships had always included her former husband or were friendships she and her former husband had established together. Even her relationships with her children and other members of the family were affected. She no longer had the same feeling of relationship with her former in-laws. She felt herself a stranger in the church she had attended with her husband, even though church members were loving toward her and continued to include her in their invitations. Church services just didn't seem the same to her since she had faithfully attended the same church with her husband for most of the years of their marriage. Divorce is devastating because it destroys a person's sense of belonging. It creates an even greater need to belong, a need that isn't felt as keenly or as deeply when a person is happily married. "What can I do?" this woman asked me. "Go to Christ," I said. "He has promised to be a husband to the widow, and as far as you are concerned before the Lord, you are just as a woman whose husband has died. He has left you just as completely as if he had died. Trust the Lord to be the One who provides for you, who gives you your identity, and who comforts you in your loneliness. Trust Him to direct your paths and to give you the responsibilities and daily chores that He desires for you to do in service to Him. Trust God to be the One who shelters you from evil, who teaches you and upholds you, who guides you on a daily basis. Trust Him with the whole of your life and surrender yourself completely to Him." Have you accepted God's acceptance? Are you counting His acceptance of you as being far more important than the acceptance by any other person or group? Or are you still setting up obstacles to this acceptance in your heart? "But what about . . . ?" "Except perhaps . ." "As soon as . . ." "Ifyou only knew about . . ." Are you still trying to come up with excuses for why God can't accept you fully into the Beloved? Are you still downgrading God's acceptance? Give it up! If God chooses to adopt you and to accept you fully into Confronting the Need to Belong • 201 the Beloved as the result of the good pleasure of His will, then that is God's choice, and there is absolutely nothing that you can do to undo God's plan and God's acceptance. You can balk against it, refuse to accept God's acceptance, and resist the warmth of His spiritual embrace, but you cannot negate or change His acceptance and adoption of you. I watched a young child stand in obstinate rebellion against the outstretched arms of her father. Her father wanted his little daughter to come to him and receive his hug, and she had decided that she wanted to be by herself and ignore her father. The father waited patiently, his arms outstretched as he gently called her name. She did everything in her power to ignore her father. She tried very hard to preoccupy herself with other things and to go about her business of playing with various toys. But eventually she looked at her daddy. And when she saw the love in his eyes, she forgot all about her agenda. She raced to him and allowed him to scoop her up and hug and kiss her. She not only giggled in delight at his embrace but also genuinely hugged him back. It was a tender moment. Oh, how our heavenly Father longs to have you run to His arms, to accept His acceptance, and to enjoy His presence. You have been given the ability and prerogative to ignore Him, continue on your own way, and rebel against His desire for your close presence. But why not look at Him fully and see the love He has for you? Why not give in and yield to His tender and compassionate embrace? Why not receive all that the Father longs to give you? Why not choose to be the recipient of His love and to accept His acceptance? 3. RECOGNIZE THAT GOD WILL NEVER REJECT YOU Perhaps you are reluctant to believe God accepts you fully because you are afraid that you might one day lose His acceptance and love. Nothing, my friend—absolutely nothing—can destroy your acceptance by God or diminish His love extended to you. Not now, not ever. When my grandson was very young, the first thing he would do when he came to my house was to demand that he be brought to me, and then once in my presence, he would demand that I pick him up and hold him on my lap. On more than one occasion, I was at my computer working on a sermon or notes for a Bible study when my grandson came to visit. Even so, he was content to sit on my lap and watch me push the keys on 202 • Our Unmet Needs the keyboard and see the words appear on the screen. Nothing needed to be said between us. The truth is, at his young age he wasn't exactly speaking my language yet. The only message that he truly understood, and the only message that was truly important that he understand, was that his grandfather loved him, wanted to be close to him, and delighted in his physical presence. He understood through my holding him on my lap that I loved him. I can tell you precisely what was attractive to my grandson about sitting on my lap. It was the warmth of my presence, the acceptance of my touch, and the fact that I loved my grandson for just who he is and I was delighted to have him on my lap. He intuitively and emotionally felt my acceptance and love, which fulfilled part of his need for belonging. When he was with me, he had a sense—rightly so—that there was no other person I would rather have been with in that moment. Friend, that's the way God feels about you and me. When we come to Him, whether we are aware of it or not, He picks us up, holds us on His divine lap, and loves us. He delights in being with us. He enjoys watching us enjoy the world around us. He holds us tenderly. And there is no other person in the world He would rather be with. The amazing truth about our infinite God is that He is capable of holding you and me at the same time and expressing to us all of His love and attention so that each of us is the sole object of His concern. In our finite minds we cannot grasp that, and we cannot do what God alone can do. But in God's great and infinite love, He can meet all of my need for belonging just as surely as He can meet all of your need for belonging, and He satisfies our need with His loving presence. The greatest intimacy occurs when two people are deeply in love, and they don't need to say anything to each other. Each knows that the other is 100 percent contented, comfortable, and adored. Such silence is rich and meaningful, soothing and healing. And very often, our need for belonging is met fully when we come to sit in the Lord's presence in silence, not saying anything to God but absorbing in our spirits all that God desires to give to us of His love, compassion, and tender concern. When you come to the Lord to have Him meet your need for intimate belonging, come to Him with a heart open to receive all that He gives you. Come with a desire to just sit for a while in the close presence of the Confronting the Need to Belong • 203 Lord. Come with a willingness to be held tenderly in His everlasting arms. Allow yourself to relax in His presence. If a sin comes to your mind, confess it to Him and receive His forgiveness. If a thought comes to your mind, express it to Him. If a word of praise fills your heart, voice it softly as if whispering it into His ear. This is not a time for you to attempt to justify yourself, apologize for your actions or feelings, or feel guilty for your lack of responsiveness to God in the past. This is a time for you to accept the fact that Jesus has justified you before the Father, Jesus has freed you to receive the Father's forgiveness and love, and Jesus has taken away all guilt from your life. This is a time for experiencing the gentle warmth of God's Holy Spirit as it flows around you, in you, and through you. As my grandson, Jonathan felt he belonged in my lap. As a child of God, a person who has received Jesus Christ as your Savior, you belong in God's presence. You are 100 percent welcome there. You are desired there. He longs for you to be there. THE FAMILY AND THE CHURCH ARE TO BE PLACES OF BELONGING God intends for us to have places on this earth where we feel completely secure and accepted. That is the Lord's desire for us in our families. He desires for each person in a family to have a sense of belonging, regardless of personality quirks or unusual traits. The Lord also desires for each person who is part of a church to have a sense of belonging. The church is to be a place where people of many spiritual gifts and practical talents can find opportunities to be of service to Christ and can work together to bring about the furtherance of God's kingdom on this earth. The church is to be a place of loving acceptance—not acceptance of sin, but certainly acceptance of sinners. It is to be a place where a person can be appreciated for being a child of God and a special creation of God. Belonging to a church should run far deeper than simply signing a membership roll or attending regularly. Belonging should be a feeling of caring and of serving and of acceptance. CONFRONTING THE INSTIGATORS OF A NEED TO BELONG God does not hate divorced people, but God does hate divorce because it so completely devastates the people He loves. God does not hate children who rebel and run away, physically or 204 • Our Unmet Needs emotionally, from their parents, but God does hate rebellion because rebellion inevitably produces forms of hatred and rejection. God hates all of the causes that deepen our need to belong because the deeper the need, the greater the healing that must take place in our lives. The things and the people that cause us to feel a greater need to belong are not of God. They act as enemies and as countermeasures to God's purposes. There are times when we need to take a firm stand and say no to those who would attempt to destroy us. We must say no to those who sin against us. We must say, "No, you will not destroy me." "No, you will not influence my life for evil." "No, you will not cause me to move away from my commitment to the Lord Jesus Christ." "No, you will not abuse me any longer." At the same time we say no to things that alienate, estrange, and produce rejection, we must say yes to things that unite, bridge, and bring us together as genuine believers in Christ Jesus. "Yes, I will let you help me." "Yes, I will join hands with you." "Yes, you may join my group." God calls His children to be one in the Spirit. As we unite with other believers for the purposes of praise, worship, ministry, and evangelism, God's kingdom on this earth is advanced. The body of Christ is expanded. And the body to which we belong becomes ever more accessible to us. GIVING A SENSE OF BELONGING TO OTHERS Part of what allows us to accept God's acceptance of us is for others to accept us. As Christians, we grow in our ability to accept ourselves when other Christians accept us. What are some practical ways we might show our acceptance of others? First, I encourage you to greet others in the name of the Lord with a hearty handshake, a clasp on the shoulder, or even a hug if that is appropriate to your relationship with the person. Men in the church should feel free to hug other men in the church—don't let the world's warped Confronting the Need to Belong • 205 views influence you in this. If your love is pure, you can hug folks and have that hug be pure! Acceptance is felt by children and adults alike through physical touch. We should be sensitive about how others might perceive and receive physical touch. If you sense at all that another person is uncomfortable with your physical closeness or a hug, don't force your presence on that person. Too often, however, we err at the opposite end of the spectrum. People are starving for expressions of physical concern and closeness, and we withhold our touch. Second, tell other believers that you love them in the Lord. Don't let the world's continual overtones of sex confuse the issue or keep you from saying that you love others. Nothing is finer than an expression of pure and godly love between two followers of our Lord Jesus Christ. To say to a Christian friend, "I love you," is to say to that person, "You belong and I belong. I accept you; I value you; I care about you as God cares about you." Third, be free in your compliments and praise of others. Build up others. Not in a fake or artificial way. Not with a fawning attitude or a manipulative undercurrent. False flattery can always be detected. Be genuine. Something can be praised or complimented in every person. Find it. Be generous in saying to a person, "Your smile always brightens my day," or "The sight of you always warms my heart." An expression of praise for God's gifts in another person's life is always welcome. It is a reminder to that person that he is, indeed, special to God and that he is God's unique and beloved creation. Fourth, when you hear of a need and there is something practical that you can do to meet that need, get involved. Visit the hospital. Go to the funeral. Take a gift of food or flowers to the home of the person who is experiencing a hard time. Stop by to visit and say a prayer with the person who is struggling. When you extend a gift of your time, presence, talents, and resources, you say to another person, "I'm in this with you. You and I are part of the same body of Christ." "But," you may say, "I have this need for acceptance in my life. How can I get my need for acceptance met?" The very same way! Greet others in a loving way, just as you would like to be greeted. As you greet them, you will receive their greeting in return. 206 • Our Unmet Needs Be free and bold in telling others you love them. You'll hear loving words in return. Accept them! Give genuine compliments to others. Their thanksgiving and appreciation will form a bond between you. Be quick to serve others. In giving, you will receive. There's an old but true phrase, "To make a friend, be a friend." To give acceptance to others is to receive acceptance. To widen your circle of friends to include others is to be included in the broader circles of their lives. Jesus taught, "Give, and it will be given to you" (Luke 6:38). When you give to others a sense of belonging, you feel a greater sense of belonging. •14• Confronting the Need to Feel Competent c ...,\"What do you do?" How many times have you been asked that question by a stranger? So often the first thing we ask about a person we meet, after we have exchanged names, is a question related to a job or a position in a company. Our sense of work is tied to the deep need we have to feel competent. We have a deep inner need to feel that we are capable of doing something that contributes and that matters. I have met a number of people through the years who have been told from their childhood, "You'll never amount to anything." What a terrible message regarding a person's worthiness or value. The truth of God is what that person needs to hear! God says you do amount to something. You are so valuable that God desires to live with you forever. He desires to transform your sin nature into the very nature of Christ Jesus. He has a plan and purpose for your life, and He desires to help you fulfill that plan and purpose by giving you the Holy Spirit to help you in every way that you need help. Paul wrote these encouraging words to the Ephesians: "We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them" (Eph. 2:10). God created you to be competent. He created you to be able to do good works. Furthermore, God already had the good works in mind for you to do before He created you. Think for a moment about a carpenter who is getting ready to build a 207 208 • Our Unmet Needs house. He has the blueprints in hand. He has acquired all of the materials necessary, including all of the lumber. He looks at his tools and says, "For this particular job, I need a hammer." And he pulls out a hammer and begins to use it. In a similar fashion, God had a job in mind that needed to be done this year, in your particular area of the world. He created you to be His tool, His instrument, His vessel in getting that job done. He made you from your birth to be fully equipped, fashioned, and prepared for doing the job He had planned. All of your life He has been developing in you the competency required so that as you yield yourself to His Spirit—placing yourself in His hands as the Master Craftsman of the ages—His purposes can and will be accomplished. It is up to you, then, to discover what you were created to do, to develop your talents to the highest performance level possible, and then to employ your talents in a way that will bring glory to God. Suppose someone asks you, "Why did God make me? Why am I here?" You can answer that person with wisdom: "God made you to be here. He gave you specific talents and abilities for you to use in fulfilling His plan and purposes for the ages. He made you to bring glory to Himself. He made you to have fellowship with Him and to be in a close, intimate relationship with Him." I can think of no higher purpose than for a person to be a close personal friend of God and to use the talents that God has given him to the best of his ability all the days of his life. It is,to this life we are called. It is for this purpose that the Holy Spirit helps and guides us on a daily basis. A SENSE OF COMPETENCE Competence is a feeling that we are capable of doing something that matters or that makes a difference in our lives and in the lives of others. Competence is knowing how and then actually doing something that renders a service to mankind. Competence is the development of Godgiven talents and abilities through study, practice, and experience. It is the acquisition of skill and ability. Every person has a built-in need to feel that he is good at something. It is an "I can" and "I'm capable" attitude. I overheard a father say to his son in a sporting goods store, "I'm not Confronting the Need to Feel Competent • 209 going to buy you a tennis racket. You can't play tennis." My question for that father was, "How do you know? He doesn't have a racket, so how can you know if he can play tennis?" Never tell another person, especially a child, that he can't do something. It is far better to say, "Let's see what you can do." Set up your child for success at tasks, not failure. Give him a mind-set of trying and exploring as he discovers and develops God-given talents. A mother was so totally convinced that neither of her children could sing that she bypassed an opportunity to enroll her children in a children's choir at church. She based her understanding of her children's ability on the fact that she had very little musical talent and couldn't carry a tune. A wise Sunday school teacher overheard the two children singing choruses in a Sunday school class and told the children's choir director about them. He called them to his office at the church for an audition and discovered that both of them were exceptionally talented. They became part of their local church choir and eventually part of a citywide choir. One of the children then went on to sing in a national boys' choir. Let your child experiment with his talents in a positive way. Not every experience is good for a child to have, but experiences that allow a child to discover his talents are generally good ones. One can usually find a group situation in which a child can explore his talents, such as a school band, orchestra, or choir; a cooperative team activity in sports, such as soccer; a school club that focuses on a particular interest or skill, a group ballet or gymnastics class, and so forth. Let your child know in advance that you are not requiring him to become the best in the world at his choice of activity, but you do want your child to try his best, all in the perspective of discovery. If your child finds that he has little or no aptitude for the activity, don't belittle his efforts. Help your child conclude, "This just isn't my thing. It's nice to know that early in life. Let's see what else I might enjoy." Don't give up too soon, however, in concluding that your child has no ability in a certain area. One or two lessons are not going to reveal virtuosity. Also recognize that some activities are fun even if a person is not highly skilled at the activity or does not have great talent in it. Many people enjoy playing sports or singing even if they are never going to have careers in sports or music. Competence is not exclusive to those 210 • Our Unmet Needs who are experts at a task or skill. It also includes those who are good enough at a task or skill to enjoy the activity. COMPETENCY VS. COMPETITION Never push your child to be'number one. Encourage your child's best, but your child's best may not be the best in a group. To push a child to be number one is to move beyond competence into competition. A fiercely competitive spirit can kill many godly traits. It can also lead to frustration, anxiety, and poor interpersonal skills. Competition is inevitable in our society without a parent having to push a child to be competitive. DISCOVER ALL YOUR GIFTS God has gifted each of us in one or more areas of life. Every person ever born has had at least one talent. We all have the ability to be good at something, and often at two or more things. Most people I know have the ability to do more than they presently are doing. Most children I meet have abilities that neither they nor their parents have yet uncovered. Furthermore, God always encourages the development and use of the gifts He has given us. In truth, He has given us our gifts so that we will develop and use them. God, however, has not gifted'any person to be able to do everything. Experts in this area have estimated that most people have two to five strong gifts or talents, and that very few people have five or more talents. Most people have two or three prominent areas of giftedness, and these areas have been resident in them from birth. Competence lies in knowing not only what you are good at doing, but also what you are not good at doing. If someone required me to teach a calculus class tomorrow morning, I'd probably choose to call in sick. And I would be sick because I have absolutely no aptitude for calculus and never have had any aptitude for that subject. I did not excel in math in school, and had no interest in math, and God did not call me to a career that involves extensive math. Math is not my gift. I know that, and I trust others to be the mathematicians in our world. My gifts lie elsewhere. Confronting the Need to Feel Competent • 211 I am not the least bit embarrassed to admit to you that I would be a failure as a calculus teacher or as a mathematician. Neither should you be embarrassed about an area that is not your gift, even if you are in the presence of someone who has that gift. Each of us has been crafted uniquely and specifically by God for His divine plan. To each of us, He has given talents and gifts that are important to the accomplishment of His purposes, and no one area of talent or giftedness is superior to others when the talent is developed to the highest level possible and is used for the glory of God. Neither should you be ashamed of your talents and gifts. Embrace them. Develop them. Become an expert at what you are innately good at doing. And above all, do what God has gifted you to do with good, consistent effort. As you work at your skill, you will develop your skill. As you apply your skills to help others, you will be a success in God's eyes, and in all likelihood, you will also experience success in the practical and material areas of life. ENCOURAGE THE TALENTS OF OTHERS Be an encourager of the gifts of others. There is plenty of opportunity for every person to become excellent in his use of his gifts. One person excelling in one area does not mean that another person might not excel in the same, area or a different area. Can you imagine how the disciples must have felt when they saw Jesus at work? They no doubt thought, I'd love to be like Jesus, but I could never do the things He does. Jesus didn't share that opinion. Read what Jesus said to His disciples on the night of the Last Supper: "Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father" (John 14:12). Many people I know have a strong desire to be better than others, and they resent those who are equally talented or who seem to have superior talent. They are jealous of people who do more or better work than they do. Jesus didn't suffer from that complex. He wanted His disciples to accomplish even greater things than He had accomplished in His three years of active ministry. Certainly none of the disciples were going to be required to be the definitive sacrifice for the sins of all mankind—none 212 • Our Unmet Needs of them had been chosen from before their birth for that task. The apostles were not called to be the Savior. But they didn't have to be! Jesus filled that role. Each of the apostles was called to give his life in the service of the Lord in a different way. Jesus affirmed that when He met with the disciples after His resurrection. Jesus said to Peter, "Most assuredly, I say to you, when you were younger, you girded yourself and walked where you wished; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will gird you and carry you where you do not wish" (John 21:18). Jesus was telling Peter how Peter would die for the glory of God, and then He said to Peter one more time, "Follow Me." Peter then asked Jesus, "What about this man?"—referring to the apostle John. And Jesus replied, "If I will that he remain till I come, what is that to you? You follow Me." (See John 21:21-22.) John went on to say in his Gospel account that Jesus said that not because John would remain alive until Jesus returned, but that what Jesus did in John's life was the business only of Jesus and John. It was to be none of Peter's concern. We must have that attitude. The Lord has a plan for each of us, and it is our responsibility to live out that plan in obedience and faithfulness. What the Lord plans for another person's life—and how that other person lives out God's plan—is the business only of the Lord and that person. It is not our responsibility. We are to encourage and help others as they fulfill God's plan in their lives, but we are not the creator, originator, manipulator, or policeman of that plan and purpose. God is fully capable of dealing with each person individually, and our role is to trust Him completely with our lives and with the lives of those we love. Parents so often desire to instill talents and traits into their children that God has not placed there. They attempt to play God in the lives of their children. We all have heard parents say, "My son is going to be a doctor," or "My daughter is going to be the first female president of the United States." Maybe so, maybe not. That is up to God and the son or daughter in question. He has a plan for each life, and His plan may not be remotely what the parent desires or attempts to manipulate. More often than not, parents seem to be the last to know what God has called their children to be and do. They are so intent on seeing that their children fulfill their own desires for them, they fail to see objectively Confronting the Need to Feel Competent • 213 the unique talents and gifts that God has placed in their children, or be aware of the unique calling that God has placed on the use of those talents and gifts. Choose to see your children as God sees them. Choose to encourage in your children the development of the talents God has given them. WE CANNOT LIVE IN OUR OWN STRENGTH We are not equipped to fulfill God's plan for our lives in our own strength. God has given us talents and abilities, and He has given us the Holy Spirit to enable and empower us to use our talents and abilities effectively. The Holy Spirit is the One who guides us into all truth (John 16:12). He is our Helper in all things (John 15:26). As competent as we may become in our own strength, we are never as fully competent by ourselves as we can be if we will allow the Holy Spirit to work in us and through us to accomplish God's will for us. Our competency may be great, but it is never complete until we allow the Holy Spirit to enlarge, enhance, multiply, and bless our efforts. Indeed, there are some things in which we seem to fail, but God works the failures for a good purpose. This is one of the messages of Romans 8:28: "We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." There have been times when I have not seen an immediate result from my preaching or teaching of God's Word. I knew in my spirit that hearts should have responded but had not responded as God desired in a particular congregation of people to whom I preached. Did I consider my efforts in preaching to be a failure? No. I knew that God had given me the message I preached, that I had done my best in delivering the message. Therefore, I felt confident that the consequences of my preaching were up to God. He is the One who moves on the heart to respond to the gospel of Jesus Christ. My sermon was, at the very least, one more Christ-honoring seed in the life of the person God was calling to Himself. Anytime we engage in ministry efforts, we are likely to conclude that we have been incompetent if others do not respond in the way we think they should respond. That may not be the case at all. A deep inner work may be put into motion in the life of another person without any visible, 214 • Our Unmet Needs outward sign. The results of what we do are in God's hands. He can take anything that we do or give in love, with a right motive, and turn it into something effective and purposeful in the lives of others. In 2 Corinthians 3:5-6, Paul wrote about our proper attitude toward competency: "Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God, who also made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant." What good news that God is the One who makes us competent and that He is the One who makes all of our ministry efforts "sufficient." Can you fail in witnessing to others about Christ? Not if you give your witness to the best of your ability and with a heart motivated by love. Can you fail in praying for others in the name of Jesus? Not if you pray the way God leads you to pray and with a heart motivated by love. Can you fail in doing a work of ministry that is designed to help others? Not if you are acting as God has led you to act and you offer your services with a heart motivated by love. Certainly we benefit at all times by receiving wise instruction from human mentors and the wise counsel of the Holy Spirit. Certainly we benefit from practice and from life experiences that make us more humanly competent. But in the end, God is the One who is responsible for bringing about the consequences of our efforts. TRUST GOD WITH THE CONSEQUENCES Consider the doctor who prescribes medications or performs surgery. He does what he is skilled to do, to the best of his ability, and with a desire to see a person made well physically. But can that doctor heal a person? Can he make the medicines work? Can he force the healing of the tissues that have undergone surgery? No. God heals. Consider the preacher who prays for a person's healing. He does what he is trained to do, to the best of his ability, and with a heart filled with faith and love. But can that preacher cause healing to occur? No. God heals. We do what we do—with as much human competency as possible— and then we must trust God to do what only He can do in our lives and in the lives of others. Paul wrote to the Philippians, "I can do all things through Christ who Confronting the Need to Feel Competent • 215 strengthens me" (Phil. 4:13). Does that mean that Paul could do all things? Was he talented in every area of life? No. Paul was the first to admit his weaknesses and failures. But Paul could do all things through Christ who strengthened him. Paul could do whatever the Lord empowered and enabled him to do. He was completely reliant upon the Lord to do the Lord's work in him and through him. You, too, can do whatever the Lord leads you to do if you trust in the Lord to give you the ability and the power to do it. Nothing is beyond the realm of possibility if you trust God to help you fulfill His plan for your life. When God gives us a destination point, He gives us the road to travel. When God orders something done, He gives the provision to accomplish the job. WE GROW IN COMPETENCY Competency is developed over time. As we develop our God-given skills and traits, the Holy Spirit enhances the abilities at every stage of development. The Holy Spirit, however, never skips a developmental stage or allows us to become an expert overnight. The Holy Spirit could do that since the Spirit of truth knows all things. But for us to have instant success or to become an instant expert would not be in our best interests because we would not have developed the patience, discipline, and other character traits necessary for us to know how to use and apply our skills in the best ways. Competency can be a dangerous thing if it is separated from wisdom, which is the ability to know when and where to act so that God's full purposes are realized. A highly skilled or knowledgeable person can miss God's perfect timing or fail to apply skills and knowledge when and how they are needed, and the results can be devastating, even though the competency is evident. So often we desire too much too soon. This is true in our desire to become highly competent and in our desire for material success, career success, and family success. Competency takes time for full development. The acquisition of wisdom happens over time. Character is built slowly. David knew about the development of competency over time. David was anointed to be the king of Israel fairly early in his life, probably when he was a teenager. Yet David did not automatically become king. 216 • Our Unmet Needs In the military realm, few people experienced as much success as David did. We must remember, however, that David slew a bear and a lion long before he encountered Goliath. God was working in David while he was a shepherd, giving him experiences that would instill courage in him. David, for his part, no doubt spent countless hours practicing with a slingshot while tending his father's flocks. He also grew in his reliance upon God. When David recalled his shepherding experiences for King Saul, he was quick to say, "The LORD, who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear, He will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine" (1 Sam. 17:37). David's faith was based upon the Lord's presence in his life during past experiences. And so it is with our competency. The Lord works through our competency, at whatever stage we have developed certain skills, and the Lord makes us effective and successful. When King Saul tried to give young David his armor, including his helmet and his coat of mail, David could not even walk in the king's armor. David said to Saul, "I cannot walk with these, for I have not tested them" (1 Sam. 17:39). David was not competent as a soldier when fully armed in the armor of Saul. His skills were with a sling and a handful of stones. Very often we attempt to rely upon certain equipment or possessions to give us the competency we otherwise lack. Equipment can enhance competency, but it never makes up for an absence of competency. I enjoy taking photographs, and over the years, I have learned a great deal about photographs and have taken literally thousands of photographs around the world in all kinds of conditions. A fine camera is a wonderful tool to have as a photographer. I know that having the right gear, and having top-quality gear, can make a significant difference in the quality of the photographs I take. And yet I also know that a good photographer can take a good photograph with an old box camera. The eye that is necessary for a photographer to have—the ability to see a good shot and to capture it well—is a skill that can and must be developed quite apart from having state-of-the-art equipment. The very best equipment in the hands of a person who doesn't know how to use it or who hasn't developed the skills necessary to compose a good shot is equipment wasted. So it is with all skills and abilities. Good equipment can be of help, but only if you know how to use that equipment to full advantage. Confronting the Need to Feel Competent • 217 David did not go from being a favorite person in the king's court to being king. The Lord allowed David to be in exile for more than a decade, all the while refining certain leadership skills in him. In exile, David wrote many of the psalms that we have in our Bibles today. In exile, David learned to trust God,in all circumstances, regardless of his personal feelings. Those years of being on the run from Saul, often fearful for his very life, were years that the Lord used to refine certain competencies in David—to make him an excellent statesman and military commander as well as a compassionate leader and provider for his followers. ASK GOD TO REVEAL YOUR TALENTS TO YOU If you are not fully aware today of the unique talents and gifts that God has given to you—and that have been present in you from your birth—ask God to reveal those gifts to you. Once God reveals your unique talents, ask Him to help you develop them. Be sensitive to ways in which you might receive further training in your area of talent. Avail yourself of learning opportunities. Discipline yourself to practice regularly your craft, skill, or ability. As you develop your talents, ask God to reveal ways in which you can use your talents for His glory. Don't wait until you are an expert. Part of the way to become an expert is to start using your talents for God's purposes when your talents are at the beginner stage. God will use you to the degree and in the capacity that are right for your stage of development. And always praise God for your giftedness. God has given talents to you. What you do with the talents becomes your gift to God! •15 • Confronting the Need to Feel Worthy cl ..\While our most basic spiritual need is to receive forgiveness from God, our most basic emotional need is to have self-worth. We have a great need for worthiness. We have a built-in need to be able to say, "I'm worth something." "I'm worth having around." "I'm worthy to be noticed and appreciated." "I'm worth having as a friend." "I'm worthy of this job." By self-worth, I am not referring to a cocky, self-centered attitude that cries, "Hey, look at me. I'm special." Such an attitude is nearly always a mask for deeper feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-worth. Neither am I referring to a pride born of years of bad teaching that conveys the attitude, "I'm worthy because I'm born into this special family, nation, tribe, or race." Such an attitude is rooted in bigotry, and deep within, a person who makes such a claim often has serious doubts about the truth of his claim. No, I'm talking about a genuine, heartfelt