1 - Intro -4 s.pdf

•Introduction . The Cry of the World c ...-\Do you have unmet needs in your life? You are not alone! Neediness is a major part of the human condition in our world today. You can look at any part of the globe, from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe, and you will find unmet needs. People of every social stratu...

•Introduction . The Cry of the World c ...-\Do you have unmet needs in your life? You are not alone! Neediness is a major part of the human condition in our world today. You can look at any part of the globe, from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe, and you will find unmet needs. People of every social stratum, political persuasion, nation, race, culture, economic condition—and yes, religious affiliation—have unmet needs. The needs that we face are not only those we find on the external surface of life—economic, social, informational, and political. They are not limited to a prosperity that is defined in economic terms, a satisfaction that is marked by material or physical comfort, or a peace that is externally manifested between individuals, tribes, or nations. The needs that drive, fuel, and shape all of our external needs are the emotional and spiritual needs that cause us to experience a lack of inner peace with God, others, and ourselves. They are the real needs we face as human beings. The deeper, unseen, and vastly more important needs are pervasive in our world, even among those who seem to have no external needs. They are not only unmet needs, but needs that are growing ever deeper and broader. The condition of our lives grows out of the condition of our hearts. It is in the soul and spirit of man that needs are more frequently undefined, unaddressed, and unmet. And this book confronts these emotional and spiritual needs. vii viii • Introduction If we were able to unravel any of the dire problems that exist in our world today, we would find ourselves arriving at the doorsteps of individual hearts and the unresolved, unmet needs that reside within them. The basic condition of man's heart is one of neediness. Name just about any problem that plagues our world today and I will point you toward an underlying emotional or spiritual need in the heart of man. Drug abuse. Child abuse. Spouse abuse. Poverty. War. Violence. Crime. Every one of these areas grows out of emotional and spiritual needs that are first manifested in the heart of one man, one woman, somewhere on this earth. The ripple effect begins with an unmet need in the heart of one person. That person reacts to the circumstances that he believes are related to his unmet need in a way that is unhealthy, ungodly, and ultimately unsatisfactory—perhaps with an outburst of angry words, a drink or use of a drug to attempt to escape the need, a retaliatory measure to the person or situation regarded as responsible for the need, or a grasping for things in a hope of resolving the need. At that point, a trigger has been pulled. What the person does in response to an unmet need causes another person to feel pressure to respond to the behavior at hand. Inevitably unmet needs in that secondary person's life influence attitudes, decisions, and behavior, and so the problem expands and intensifies from person to person until an entire family, neighborhood, community, city, or nation is involved. Are you willing to face your needs? Can you define or name at least one need? If you don't believe you have any needs, this book is not likely to be of much benefit to you because you will fail to see the ways in which God's Word might apply to you. However, if you are willing to define or name at least one need that you know you have, then you have a place to begin in your quest to have that need met. Be honest with yourself. That's the only way the full truth of God's Word can make you whole and, in turn, make you a blessing. Does God know about your needs? Yes. Does God care about your needs being met? Yes. Does God have a provision for meeting your needs? Yes. The Cry of the World • ix How can you identify your real needs and experience God's total provision for your neediness? That is the foremost question we will explore in this book. •1 • What Is Your Need and What Are You Willing to Do About It? c —-\Do you have a nagging, gnawing feeling that something isn't quite right in your life? Do you feel overwhelmed by a need you can't meet, a problem you can't solve, or a question you can't answer? Are you able to identify the real need that underlies your feelings of uneasiness, fear, worry, or restlessness? As I have asked people about their needs, they often have laughed and responded, "Oh, I have lots of needs!" But when I have pressed for specifics, many have hesitated. They have not been able to pinpoint precisely the true needs in their lives. They have a general feeling of neediness, but they are unable to define their needs or they are unwilling to name their needs. Is that how you feel about your needs today? If so, I encourage you to take a look at the following list. These are the top twenty needs that I have routinely encountered in my work as a pastor. Some of these needs overlap and several are Flosely related to other needs, but this is the way the needs have been expressed to me: 1. Companionship 2. Achievement or success 3. Employment 1 2 • Our Unmet Needs 4. Love 5. Health 6. Sexual relationship 7. Security 8. Harmony in relationship(s) 9. Finances 10. Basic needs (food, clothing, shelter) 11. The need to feel needed 12.Acceptance 13.Marriage 14. Forgiveness 15. Control 16. Intimacy 17. Healing past emotions 18.Victory over sin 19. Inner peace 20. Relationship with God I invite you to review*this list and identify the areas in your life in which you feel that something is missing or something might be better. In all likelihood, you will find several areas in which you have an emotional response or a sense of, "I could use more of that." For most people, "I could use more of that" is a good working definition of need. But is that the definition that God gives to human need? NEEDS VS. DESIRES As we begin our discussion about need, we must recognize that need is not the same as desire. All of us have at some point brought to God something that we believed was a need when it truly was only a desire. A need is something that is essential to the fulfillment of God's plan for a person's life. It may be something as simple as the basics of water, food, and shelter. It may be education or training that is required for a person to fulfill God's plans and purposes. It may be a sense of direction so that a person will know more fully what God desires for him. It may be a financial need to meet the expenses that are associated with the work and the family life that God has given to the person. What Is Your Need? • 3 A desire tends to be something that is not essential but is enjoyable. It can be something for which we have a hunger, yearning, wish, hope, or dream. Just because a desire is not essential does not mean that it has no importance to God. Although a desire may not be a requirement for our lives, it is something that is associated with pleasure or joy in our lives. And the truth is that God is in favor of our experiencing pleasure, joy, and yes, even fun in our lives. Paul wrote to the Romans, "He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?" (Rom. 8:32). The good things that God the Father has for Jesus, He has for us! The idea of desire is not wrong. Too many Christians seem to believe that life should be a tedious, long-faced journey—no laughter, no fun, no pleasure. Their thinking is, The holier the person, the more serious the person. What a boring, uncreative, unjoyful way to live! A person who is walking in obedience to God should have abundant reasons to enjoy life. God desires for His children to have a life overflowing with all things that are good, and certainly laughter, joy, beauty, comfort, creative expression, blessing, love, health, friendships, and adventures can be very good things in our lives. We cannot conclude in Scripture that God is for meeting our needs and against meeting our desires. What we can conclude in Scripture is that God promises to meet all of our needs. God does not, however, promise to meet all of our desires. THE ERROR OF TURNING DESIRES INTO NEEDS Many people have tricked themselves into turning a desire into a need. Let me give you an example. A person might see something that captures his interest, and he says, "Now that's something I'd really like to have." And then he begins to justify the purchase of that item with reasoning such as this: "Well, I don't drink and I don't gamble and I don't smoke and I don't have any real vices in my life, and after all, the Lord wants me to have some fun and enjoyment in life." And even though the person cannot afford the item, he goes ahead and puts the purchase on a credit card. He ends up in debt, which is not something God desires for us. Over time, the person might have increasing difficulty paying the 4 • Our Unmet Needs minimum payment for the item, and when the struggle gets intense enough, that person might turn to Philippians 4:19 and say to God, "Your Word says that You will supply all my need so, Lord, You see the financial need that I have in my life right now. I ask You to meet that need, and I have faith that You are going to meet it. Now, Lord, I know You don't want my Christian witness to be damaged by my not being able to pay my bills," and on and on the person goes trying to justify to God what he previously had justified to himself. Such a person has turned a desire into a need in his thinking and in his prayers, but in truth, the problem is with the person's desire. God is never obligated to meet a desire that we turn into a need. Take a look at your needs right now Are they genuine needs, or are they needs that have resulted from your foolish pursuit of desires? God is not responsible for answering any prayer request or meeting any need that does not further His plans and purposes for you on this earth. Is IT WRONG TO HAVE DESIRES? There is nothing wrong with our having desires as long as they are within the confines of the purpose and will of God for our lives. At times, we have wonderful and genuine desires that God is eager to meet because they are things or relationships that will enhance God's plan for us. Psalm 34:10 tells us: The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those who seek the LORD shall not lack any good thing. Note especially that phrase "any good thing." What is a good thing? Something is good if it meets these criteria: • It is regarded as good in God's eyes. • It produces a beneficial, helpful, enriching, genuinely satisfying, and eternal benefit in our lives. Many times we take it upon ourselves to define what is good for us. But do we really know what that is? Only God can see the beginning What Is Your Need? • 5 from the ending. Only God can see the big picture of our lives. Only God can look around all the corners in the road and see what is coming. Only God knows how things will turn out for us. We must rely on God's definition ofgood before we declare something to be good. GOD'S PERSPECTIVE ON OUR NEEDINESS A need, from the scriptural standpoint, is anything that keeps a person from being whole or from fulfilling God's purpose for his life. Wholeness is a vital concept for us to understand regarding the work of God in our lives. So often we get bogged down in our grappling with this problem, that symptom, this situation, that difficulty, this obstacle, that concern. God sees the big picture of our need. He sees us in our perfection--who we can be, what we might do and become, how we should live in order to receive the maximum amount of His blessing. God sees us as whole men and women. Therefore, when God compares what we were created to be and what we are destined to become with who we are right now, the difference is our need. It is the sum of all that keeps us from wholeness. Time and again we find Jesus saying as He healed various people, "Be made whole." Jesus always had a person's wholeness as His goal. GOD SEES YOUR LIFE AS A WHOLE God sees your whole life, and He sees your life as a whole. You cannot divide your life into compartments and say, "This is my spiritual life and this is my material life and this is my home life and this is my financial life." Your life functions as a whole. And the whole of you is in Christ when you become a Christian. Christ is involved in every area of your life. He makes you whole; He does not divide you or separate the areas of your life one from another. This means, of course, that Christ Jesus is involved in every aspect of your neediness. He is concerned not only with your spiritual neediness, but also with your financial, material, physical, relational, and emotional needs. In every circumstance, situation, place, time, or incident you are in union with Christ because you cannot separate yourself from Him once you have accepted Him as your Savior. He is involved with you every moment 6 • Our Unmet Needs ofyour life. You cannot shut Him out or turn Him away. There is not a single moment or situation with which He is unfamiliar or uninvolved. Does God care that you just bounced a check and are in need of cash? Does God care that the air-conditioning in your car no longer works? Does God care about your tendency to oversleep and arrive at work late every day? Does God care that your feelings were hurt in an argument that you had with your stepmother? Yes! God is aware of, concerned about, and involved in every area of need you have, great or small. Too often, however, we want to face and deal with only our external needs. We want God to provide a quick answer for us only in the tangible, material realm of life. To dig deeper into our neediness is something we perceive as painful, unnecessary, or too spiritual. God doesn't agree with that approach. While He is concerned about the needs we face in the practical and natural realm of life, He is even more concerned about the needs that impact our very identity and our potential as huMan beings. Rarely are the obvious external needs separate from deeper and more pervasive internal needs. ALL NEEDS ARE INTERRELATED All of the needs in your life are interrelated. Imagine for a moment a three-legged stool. If you take away or break one leg, the stool is going to collapse. It cannot stand. If one leg is weakened or splintered, the stool is likely to give way if any pressure is exerted upon it. So it is with the basic needs in your life, be they physical, spiritual, or emotional. Soundness in each area of life is required for wholeness, and strength in each area is necessary for you to withstand the pressures, trials, and traumas that come to you at some point. Furthermore, each area of your life must exist in balance. If a threelegged stool has one leg that is longer or shorter than the others, the stool is out of balance. It is unstable. God's desire for you is that you be emotionally stable, consistent, reliable, and even in your temperament. He desires for your physical needs to be satisfied. He desires for your spiritual life to be balanced and growing. His will is never for one of His children to be on an emotional, physical, or spiritual roller coaster of What Is Your Need? • 7 extreme highs and lows. Rather, He desires that you be in balance and that you be able to confront both positive and negative situations with a consistency of joy, love, and peace. The person who is filled with God's Spirit is not a person who experiences love one day and no love the next, joy one day and no joy the next, peace one moment and no peace the next. God's Spirit is not a come-and-go presence in someone's life. God's character does not change; He is without "shadow of turning" or variation in His personality. (See James 1:17.) So, too, with the genuinely Spirit-filled person. Such a person has a consistency of character, an even temperament, a reputation for steadiness. We can seem whole in one or two of these areas, but that is not sufficient for us truly to be whole in God's eyes. Wholeness from God's perspective is to be complete; to know with deep assurance that we are beloved by God with an everlasting, infinite, and unconditional love; to be able to move forward with boldness and confidence that we are God's children; to claim God's promises that we are victors through Christ Jesus over every negative situation and circumstance; and to be able to stand up to the enemy of our souls regardless of what the devil may throw at us. Wholeness is more than feeling peace and harmony within. It is a prerequisite for being productive and effective in the kingdom of God and a prerequisite for bringing the maximum amount of glory to God. Wholeness is not just a nice idea or a nice goal to have for our lives. It is absolutely essential to experiencing joy, witnessing for Christ, and receiving eternal rewards. Wholeness is an inner work that God does in our lives. But we are never the sole beneficiaries of our wholeness. God makes us whole so that we might help and bless others. Wholeness is the work that God does in us with a twofold purpose: that we might be sound in spirit, mind, and emotions, and that we might influence others to accept God's love, forgiveness, and help. OBVIOUS EXTERNAL NEEDS VS. HIDDEN NEEDS In my work.as a pastor, I have discovered that very often what the person thought was the foremost need in his life did not turn out to be the real need or the only need. 8 • Our Unmet Needs The woman who was having disturbing nightmares and an ongoing inability to sleep thought she had a need for sleep and for inner peace. The real need was to confront the incest that had occurred in her childhood and the deep feelings of unworthiness that had developed in her as a result of that abuse. The young man who had a fight with his father thought his need was for a place of his own. The real need was his need to develop a new relationship with his father and to come to grips with the feelings of incompetence that had developed from years of belittling criticism in his father's home. Throughout the Gospels we find a number of people who came to Jesus asking for one thing only, to be healed of all that truly kept them from wholeness. Consider these examples: In healing a woman who had suffered for twelve years with a flow of blood, Jesus not only met her physical need, but in the very act of touching her, He also restored her to the greater community in which she lived. Her friends and neighbors had not associated with her for years because she was "unclean." Jesus said to her, "Daughter, be of good cheer; your faith has made you well. Go in peace" (Luke 8:48). To live in peace meant to be at peace in her body, free of her affliction, and to be at peace with all those around her. Her need had not only been an uncontrolled hemorrhage and a lack of financial resources as she went from physician to physician seeking a cure. Her need had also been to have fellowship with other people and to be part of a community of friends. When Jesus healed a paralyzed man who had been lowered by his friends through a rooftop, the first thing He said to the man was, "Son, your sins are forgiven you." Jesus was soundly criticized by some of the scribes for blasphemy—for claiming to have the power to forgive sins. Jesus asked them, "Why do you reason about these things in your hearts? Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven you,' or to say, 'Arise, take up your bed and walk'? But that you may know that the Son of Man has power on earth to forgive sins." He said to the paralyzed man, "I say to you, arise, take up your bed, and go to your house" (Mark 2:8-11). Jesus apparently recognized that the root cause of the man's paralysis had something to do with sin in his life. The greater issue related to the healing of the man had to do with a forgive- What Is Your Need? • 9 ness of sin—he was in need of a spiritual healing as well as a physical healing. The healing work of Jesus was first and foremost a spiritual or inner work of healing because Jesus knew that first and foremost, we must be well on the inside if we are truly to become whole. Because all of our needs are connected, every need we face is related to God and in some way, to some degree, is connected to our spiritual relationship with our heavenly Father. All external needs are to some degree a reflection of inner needs. GOD'S DEFINITION OF WELL IS NOT THAT OF THE WORLD Spiritual health cannot be defined by the world because the world cannot bring about that health. Why not? In the first place, you must understand what it truly means to be healthy in order to create that state. If you do not know all that is required for a person truly to be healthy, how can you create health or engineer the circumstances that will create health? We see many conflicts in the medical community when it comes to physical health. One scientific report will tell us that a certain product or substance will promote health, and a few months later, another scientific report will tell us that this product or substance is of little or no effect and that a different product or substance is required. Highly knowledgeable people disagree about what substances are needed in which quantities and at what times of life to promote or produce physical health. The bottom line is that the world does not have an absolute, or even a very solid, consistent definition about what it means to be healthy physically, much less healthy emotionally, spiritually, or psychologically. Only God knows fully what is required for wholeness because only God knows fully what it means to be whole, perfect, and complete. Only God knows what is missing in our lives because only God sees the total picture. Furthermore, only God knows how to bring into our lives the missing elements, and only God can cause a person to be made whole. Only God can extend our perfection into the realm of eternity. Only God can heal us fully and cause us to live forever in complete perfection. 10 • Our Unmet Needs Are you willing to face up to your neediness today? Are you willing to face the fact that everything in your inner life isn't as whole, complete, and sound as God would desire for it to be? Are you willing to admit your sinfulness to God? Are you willing to humble yourself and admit that you can't do it all or be it all by yourself and in your own strength? If you are willing to say yes to these questions, then Jesus is waiting for you to turn to Him and allow Him to heal you, restore you, and make you whole. He wants to be your Savior. He wants to forgive you, to cleanse you of the guilt you have been carrying, and to restore you to a full and right relationship with God the Father. Jesus wants to begin a work in you that will result in your wholeness. Jesus wants to send the Holy Spirit to dwell within you so that you might have the divine Helper, Comforter, and Spirit of truth available and working in you at all times. GOD'S EXTENDED OPPORTUNITY FOR GENUINE WHOLENESS I have a strong belief that God gives every person an opportunity— indeed, repeated opportunities—to experience genuine wholeness. I believe that God confronts every person with his neediness and that He offers Himself as the solution for the neediness. He extends an opportunity for healing and wholeness to every person. When do many people seem to hear this message from God? I have spoken to a number of people in the last decade about the emotional healing process they have experienced in their personal lives, and I have asked many of them, "When did you first feel the restlessness in your soul that drove you to seek wise counsel and help?" In virtually all cases, they have responded, "Oh, somewhere in my forties." I don't know why this is the case, but it seems to be part of our human experience to feel this need in our lives when we are forty-something. Perhaps it is that we are so driven to get the external factors of our lives in place prior to that time—we choose a career and work in it, we choose a mate and develop a marriage and perhaps have children, and then we spend a couple of decades working hard at building good associations, good patterns, good habits, raising good families, and achieving successful careers. It seems that once all of these external things are in place, the Lord says, "Now, about those internal things . . ." What Is Your Need? • 11 Or perhaps it is that at forty, some of the external things that we have so diligently tried to create and produce begin to show cracks. The perfect girlfriend didn't turn out to be a perfect wife, and conversely her perfect boyfriend didn't turn out to be a perfect husband. The children who seemed so perfect lying in their infant cribs suddenly seem to have problems. A career that seemed on the rise takes a nosedive or becomes dissatisfying. In our forties, we often are forced to reappraise and reevaluate our priorities, the success of our past efforts, and the validity of our future goals. As part of our reevaluation, we are confronted with our inner state of being. Regardless of why the forties may be a major time for facing emotional wounds, the fact is that every person I know comes to the point—sooner or later—of saying, Is this all there is to life? Is this truly why I was created? Am I truly fulfilling God's intended plan and purpose for my life? And if not, why not? When these questions are asked and the answers are not immediate, satisfying, and in keeping with God's Word, the person is forced to ask, What's wrong? In all likelihood, some inner healing needs to be done. God has a work that He desires to do that may be revolutionary and that will also be a work of refinement. The good news is that God does not leave us where we are, no matter how excellent or how whole we may become. He is always in the process of producing in us more and more of the likeness of Jesus Christ. Surely none of us would be so presumptuous to say, "I am 100 percent like Jesus in all ways." Hardly. God still has a work to do in us. And He continually seeks to do that work. He will not let us remain in our current state without challenging us to greater growth. The good news is also that once we have developed an intimate relationship with the Lord, the process required for the healing of our old wounds becomes less and less painful. The most painful part of the healing process is nearly always the initial breaking of our stubborn pride, the breaking up of the crusty emotional soul of denial, the breakthrough into the territory of past pain, and the first instances of our "breaking down" and weeping as we face old memories that cloud our ability to see things clearly. The more we desire to be in close fellowship with the Lord, the more we rely upon Him to do His healing work within us, and the more we trust Him to produce in us the nature and character of 12 • Our Unmet Needs Christ Jesus, the faster and the less painful the emotional healing process becomes. The layers of wounds are peeled from us like the layers of an onion. The layers in the soul become more and more tender, and they give way more readily to God's loving and forgiving presence. •2 • What Doesn't Work in the Meeting of Our Needs? Are you aware that Jesus did not heal every sick person in the land of Palestine when He walked the earth? Jesus healed every sick person who was brought to Him or who came to Him. Jesus taught: "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick . . . For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance" (Matt. 9:12-13). What does this mean? It means that Jesus made Himself available to all those who knew they were in need and who came to Jesus to be their Great Physician. If you don't think you are sick, you probably aren't going to seek out a doctor. If you don't think you are a sinner, you aren't going to ask God for forgiveness. People who recognize that they are sick seek help. Those who recognize that they need forgiveness confess their sins and repent of their sinful lives. Even though God confronts every person with his neediness at some point in his life, God never forces anyone to accept the healing and wholeness He offers. He does not move beyond the boundaries of human will. "But," you may say, "God can do anything." Yes, He can do anything. It is not a matter of God's ability but a matter related to the freedom that God has given to mankind. God willfully 13 14 • Our Unmet Needs has chosen not to deny the freedom He gave us as individuals to accept or reject His presence and power in our lives. Most of this book will deal with what does work in meeting our needs, but I believe it is important at the outset of our discussion to address several things that don't work. SUPPRESSION DOESN'T WORK The typical initial response to a need is to cry, "Help!" Most people when faced with a need feel a sense of inner urgency that may be coupled with frustration, anxiety, or a general feeling of unrest, uneasiness, or even fear. A person is likely to say to others and to God, "Can't you see my need? Meet my need! I want this need to be met—and the sooner, the better!" If a need is not met, it may take on even greater urgency with the passage of time, compelling a person to take action lest the pain or distress continue. A person who has an immediate need for air, for example, is going to take quick action because without oxygen, death is imminent. The longer the person goes without air, the greater the sense of urgency to the point of panic! A person who is drowning or who is freezing doesn't hesitate to cry out and to do everything possible to stay afloat or move to safety. All effort is focused on meeting the urgent need. Inner emotional and spiritual needs, however, sometimes are not voiced. We may feel the urgency of the need, but we don't display urgent actions or responses. A number of reasons may be given for this. A person may be embarrassed to admit he has an inner need or to seek help from others. A person may be in rebellion against God and may choose to blame God for the need and lack of provision. Still others feel the need but don't know how to define it or express it; they have an unlabeled frustration or sense of anxiety that they don't understand and, therefore, can't articulate. Over time, these unmet needs tend to take on a "state of being" status. The needs may grow stronger, leading to aberrant behavior, deep depression, or sickness. In those cases, the needs erupt from the spirit and soul of man into the physical, natural, or material world where the symptoms are often addressed, even if the underlying need is not addressed. What Doesn't Work? • 15 In other cases, unmet emotional and spiritual needs merely smolder. They continue to exist, to gnaw, nag, and fester within, but they do not disappear. Some people seem to have become discouraged, thinking that a particular need in their lives will never go away. Therefore, they conclude, "I just have to learn to live with this." Others perhaps hope that the need will disappear if they ignore it long enough. That is rarely the case, however. I have talked to people who are in their sixties and seventies and feel a sense of restlessness and anxiety deep within, and they still don't know the reason for their feelings of neediness. Time alone doesn't automatically bring about either an awareness or an understanding of our neediness. Don't err by making the assumption, "All of this will become clear someday," or by concluding, "These feelings will pass eventually." In most cases, our neediness does not dissipate with time, and neither does it disappear unless we truly address the root problem of the neediness and allow God to heal or resolve the problem. DENYING THE NEED DOESN'T WORK In some cases, a person hears from others, "You don't really have a need." Without a sympathetic ear, he simply stops talking about the need. It exists nonetheless. And in other cases, a person may move into self-denial, claiming to himself and others, "I don't have a need," when in reality, the need exists and has only been buried deeper into the person's soul, psyche, or spirit. For many years, I lived in a state of denial regarding my father, who died when I was nine months old. If a person asked me about my father, I replied, "I never had a dad. He died when I was a baby. I never knew him." If a person asked me what impact my father had on me, I replied, "No impact. I never knew him, so he had no effect on my life." Then one day when I was in my forties a secretary in our church brought her nine-month-old baby girl into the office for me to meet. As I held that baby and talked to her, telling her how wonderful she was, she responded with big grins and a real sense of understanding in her eyes. After the mother and child left my office, the thought struck me, 16 • Our Unmet Needs That baby knew me! She responded to me. She felt my words and my touch. That's how old I was when my father died. I did know my father! The following Saturday afternoon as I was praying in the prayer room at church, I had a strong mental picture of my grandfather and my father. They were talking and laughing while they were sitting on a log in some woods. 'Suddenly I had a deep ache in my heart to be with them. I wanted to be in the middle of their conversation, share their laughter, and feel their close presence. The more I thought about my grandfather and my father, the angrier I became at God. "Why did You take my dad from me?" I prayed. And that was the beginning of a breakthrough for me. In that moment, nearly twenty years ago, the hard shell of denial was cracked. I had a father. I had a relationship with him. I had feelings about my relationship with my dad. And I could no longer stuff those feelings away and deny their existence. I had to examine them and deal with them. Denial manifests itself in numerous ways. A person may say, for example, "I certainly don't have an emotional or spiritual problem. What I have is a financial need! I need more money." On closer examination, however, one might ask the person: • Why do you need more money? • How did you come to the place in your life where you have a financial need? • What is your understanding of money and its purpose in your life? These questions eventually compel an emotional and spiritual response. A person may say that he needs more money because he is in debt and has unpaid bills. On closer examination, a pattern of indebtedness and overspending is uncovered. What causes that person to overextend his resources? Is it presumption that God will provide? Is it a feeling of inferiority that the person hopes will be met through the accumulation and display of Material possessions? Is it a lack of discipline? The underlying issue is not truly a financial one, although the external surface symptom of the problem is financial. The underlying need is in the emotions and in the spirit. It is related to the person's understanding about God and His commands and desires related to stewardship of resources. What Doesn't Work? • 17 Let me give you another example of denial at work. A woman whom I will call Sarah recently told me this story. A friend of Sarah's was experiencing serious marital difficulties, and as she confided them to Sarah, Sarah asked, "What do you think you might have done to contribute to these problems in your marriage?" Sarah's friend said, "Not a thing. Even my counselor said that this problem is all his fault." Sarah related this incident to me, then asked, "Will a counselor ever place total blame on one person in a relationship?" My answer: "It's not likely." What was at work? A denial about the root need underlying the external surface problem. If this woman remains unwilling to face her emotional and spiritual needs, she will never come to an understanding about how the needs drive and define behavior, including her behavior toward her spouse. When another person doesn't treat us the way we desire, we must ask, Why is this person responding to me in this way? What is it about my behavior that brings out this response? An honest look at ourselves is likely to reveal an unmet emotional or spiritual need. AVOIDING CONFRONTATION DOESN'T WORK At times we adopt a number of behaviors to avoid confrontation and thus avoid the rejection that is a possible consequence of confrontation. These behaviors become "structures" that we build—they serve as walls or barriers in our relationships. We may think we are protecting ourselves with these structures, but in the greater reality of God's purposes, these structures close us off from other people and from God's presence. DISTANCE We may not want to get too close to another person, even someone we love dearly, out of fear that he may "see through us" or discover something in us that he will not like. PROJECTION Perhaps we say to another person, "You have a problem." In truth, the very problem we identify in that person is our problem. A person may 18 • Our Unmet Needs say, for example, "You are always so selfish." The truth is that the person saying this is the self-centered one. A truly selfless, other-focused person rarely sees others as selfish! Why do we project our faults onto others? In hopes of deflecting blame or fault away from ourselves. We want to appear faultless so that others will love us. LYING At times, people cover their bad behavior with a self-justifying lie, such as, "If you were in my position, you'd do the same thing." Or we say, "Everybody does this. Everybody feels this way." We think that if we can hide our guilt under a cover of excuse, we'll be more acceptable and lovable. ACQUIESCENCE Do you know a person who always gives in to what others desire in order to avoid conflict? Many a spouse has said, "Whatever you want, dear," to avoid an argument. Many a person has said, "Whatever you say," to avoid facing the truth of an attitude, feeling, or behavior that may be painful to face. CONFORMITY Often, we try to blend in with others with a hope that if we are like others, others will accept and love us. We become like putty in a mold so that we won't risk rejection for standing out in some way. We lay down our unique identity and our strength in a desire for acceptance. When you find yourself engaging in these behaviors, you need to stop what you are doing and ask, Why am I so afraid to be myself? Why am I afraid to have an opinion, to face the truth, to get close to someone, to open up and reveal who I am? Why am I lying or projecting my faults onto others? What do I think I will gain, or lose, by this? When we build these structures into our relationships with others— and with God—we cut off the flow of God's power in our lives. We damage our communication, we stifle our creativity, and we fail to reach the full potential of any relationship. These structures are walls that keep us from the very intimacy we desire so intensely. What Doesn't Work? • 19 RELYING O44 ANOTHER PERSON DOESN'T WORK When I learned a little bit more about this situation, I could see clearly some of the needs that existed. The woman was what we used to call a clinging vine. She relied heavily upon her husband to make her happy; she expected him te meet her every need, including every emotional need. No man is capable of doing that, of course. Only God can meet all of our needs with 4is infinite power, love, and wisdom. The more the woman clung to het husband, demanding that he meet all of her emotional needs, the more he withdrew. He couldn't stand the pressure. He spent more time alone and away from their home. He was less likely to engage in conversation and to express himself to his wife. He had moved into a self-preservation mode that the woman couldn't begin to understand because she didn't see her neediness as influencing his behavior. In a number of cases a person will turn to another person or to an institution for the total provision of need in his life. That person may be a spouse, a parent, a child, or an employer. It may be the welfare office, the government agelncy, the law, the system. Let me assure you of two things: no one person, and no one agency or system, can meet all of the needs in your life, and certainly not the deep inner needs that are vital to wholeness. A knight in shining armor who rides in to resciethe needy person and save the day so that everybody lives happily ever after is a character in a fairy tale. People can help people, but no one person can completely resolve all of the needs in another person's life. Husbands and wives get along so much better when both realize they cannot fully meet all needs of the other person. Parents and children get along better when both realize that all of their needs cannot be met through a parent-child relationship, no matter how good that relationship might be. Friendships are improved when both friends realize that they cannot provide all the emotional support they require as individuals. Employers and employees get along better when each realizes that the other side is not the end-all and be-all for meeting needs. Yes, even pastors and churches get along better when neither looks solely to the other to supply all of the inner needs. 20 • Our Unmet Needs Furthermore, if you are looking to people to resolve all of your needs—and factoring out God—you are going to be sorely disappointed. If you had all of the people in the world working in a concerted manner on your particular need, you still would not experience a full provision for your need. People, individually and collectively, will eventually let you down, especially when it comes to what you need for inner emotional and spiritual health. As quickly as you hear the praises of other people, just as quickly you are likely to hear their cutting remarks and criticism. One moment the world may clamor for you and call you great, fabulous, the best, a star, the most desirable of all people. The next moment the world, in its fickleness, is likely to drag your name through the mud and despise all that you do, say, and stand for. You cannot count on other people to be your source of self-worth and value. If you do, you eventually will be disappointed. STRIVING TO MEET THE NEED ON YOUR OWN DOESN'T WORK In a number of cases, when a person discovers that another person or a group of people has let him down, he will conclude, "I'm just going to have to do this for myself." Each of us seems to have a strong drive for self, self, self. We all try at some time in our lives to meet our inner needs through our own efforts. And ultimately we fail in our efforts because no amount of self-effort or self-supply can satisfy a deep emotional or spiritual need. In fact, attempting to do it on our own will make matters worse. Anytime we try to meet our needs in our own way, bypassing God and acting on our own will and impulses, we dig an even deeper hole in our emotional structure. We simply cannot make ourselves whole. Self-striving—the seeking to accomplish things totally on your own strength, effort, and creativity—produces two very negative results in you. First, it nearly always generates anxiety, which may manifest itself as worry, frustration, or an inner agitation. These feelings come because deep down inside, you know that your striving is in vain and that you cannot be and do all that you desire in your own strength. Even so, you refuse to turn over the reins of your life to God; you keep pushing for- What Doesn't Work? • 21 ward, trying to do what you know you cannot do. You push and strain and groan against needs, all the while with a churning in your stomach or a headache born of stress and worry. In Matthew 6, we find Jesus speaking to people who were in need. Many of the people who heard Jesus give what we now call the Sermon on the Mount were simple people who had very basic needs for food, clothing, shelter. They lived from day to day in the material meeting of their needs. They also had the same emotional and spiritual needs that all human beings have had in every generation. Many of these people apparently were guilty of striving to meet their needs without seeking God's help, and they were frustrated, anxious, and filled with worry in the process. Jesus said to them, Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not lift more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all hisglory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, 0 you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or 'What shall we drink?" or 'What shall we wear?" For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. (Matt. 6:25-34) How do you get beyond a spirit of striving and instead have a spirit of total trust in and dependency upon God? Jesus gave the answer in this passage. He said that you must turn your mind away from a preoccupation with acquiring things and focus upon God and His kingdom. You must shift your priorities when it comes to the things you think about, dream about, and desire. 22 • Our Unmet Needs What do you think about the most today? Is it that new red sports car in the car dealer's showroom? Is it remodeling your kitchen? Is it about what you will fix for tomorrow's dinner? Is it where you will get your next drink or your next fix of drugs? Is it how you can manipulate that troublesome or weak person at work to do your bidding? Most of us don't like to admit to such thoughts as being our predominant thoughts, but so often they are! Stop to consider your last thought before you go to sleep at night. To what does your mind turn when you find yourself in heavy stop-and-go traffic? What do you think about when you engage in routine chores that require little concentration? What do you dream about doing, being, or having? The anxiety that comes from self-striving is nearly always related to the fact that you are spending way too much time thinking about the wrong things. You are so concerned about self and self-defined priorities and needs that you fail to focus your heart and mind on the very things that will bring you peace and a solution for your needs. The second great negative result of self-striving is this: depression and frustration that arise from a sense of failure. When you focus on the things that you want, you will always reach a point at which you realize— perhaps not consciously but certainly in your deep subconscious being— that you cannot have all that you desire to have, and neither can you control or manipulate other people in the ways that you desire. Stop to consider the truth of these statements: You cannot make another person love you. You cannot always have your way in every situation. You cannot own everything you want to own right now. You cannot achieve anything totally in your own strength and ability. You cannot do anything to absolute perfection. You cannot persuade everybody to think the way you think. If we are truly honest with ourselves, we will admit that we don't like the fact that we can't control these things. Yet no one is capable ofdoing anything that exists as an absolute. In other words, you cannot control anything all the time, every time, totally, for all people. Only God is absolute. He alone is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. He alone governs and rules the universe according to His laws, which are unchanging, He alone is the Father who is without "variation or shadow of turning" (James 1:17). What Doesn't Work? • 23 When we come face-to-face with our inadequacies, failures, and limitations, we are prone to frustration, worry, and anxiety. We don't like recognizing that we cannot control all that we desire to control or that the world does not spin around us. Jesus said, in effect, "Rather than focus on what you desire, which will always lead to the realization of what you cannot do and be in your own strength, turn your attention to what God desires! Focus instead on what He can enable you to do and be. Concentrate on what He has prepared for you and desires for you. He will provide!" No method and no relationship we can ever devise is going to work when it comes to our emotional and spiritual healing. Why? Because God did not make us to go through life on our own. He made us for Himself. He created us to be in fellowship with Him, first and foremost. Certainly God wants us to have good relationships with other people, but the number one relationship for each of us is a relationship with Him. When we try to get our needs met apart from God, our efforts lead only to disappointment, discouragement, disillusionment, and despair. Only God can fill the emptiness of the human heart. Only God is sufficient to meet our deepest needs for acceptance, love, and worthiness. And only as these needs are met can we truly experience wholeness. ARE You WILLING TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP? Are you willing to admit that you have inner emotional needs? Are you willing to stop suppressing or denying your needs in hopes they will go away or resolve themselves without action on your part? Are you willing to turn to Jesus and trust Him to be your Great Physician? The way to move beyond neediness is to be active. If you truly want to experience wholeness in your life, God requires something of you. And even as He requires something of you, He offers you all of Himself to help you do what He has required. I invite you to go to your heavenly Father today and say, Here is my need, Father. I admit that I've been suppressing my neediness. I have been living in denial. I admit that I have tried to meet this need 24 • Our Unmet Needs in my own way or by my own method, and what I have done hasn't worked. I turn to You fully and ask You to meet my need in Your way and in Your timing. If there is a need in my life that I haven't faced, I ask You to help me discover it. I trust You to meet my need, and I thank You in advance for meeting it. I ask this in Jesus' name. Amen. Make a decision today to become a whole person and to live in wholeness, trusting God to meet all of your needs. •3 The Most Basic Need of Your Life Have you dealt with the bottom-line need of your life? Have you resolved the number one need that you share in common with every other person? Have you resolved the one need that you must resolve during your lifetime on this earth? Every human being ever born and every human being alive today has had one need in common. This need is the most basic one of life, and ultimately it is the only essential need. It is the need to be forgiven of one's sin nature and come into right relationship with God so that one might experience an abundant life now and in eternity hereafter. One of the great truths is this: all other needs are secondary to this need to be born again spiritually. It is equally true that once this need is met in a person's life, all other needs can be met, and until this need is met, most other needs cannot be met. Try as you might . . . • you can love a person, but you'll never fully know what love is until you begin to receive God's love. • you can communicate well with a person, but you'll never fully know what it means to communicate completely until you can communicate freely with God. • you can establish a relationship with a person and be committed to 25 26 • Our Unmet Needs it, but you'll never know the full power and comfort of what it means to be in a relationship until you establish a relationship with God. All of the things that we so much desire as human beings flow from and are enriched greatly by the establishment of an intimate, loving relationship with our Creator, almighty God, our heavenly Father. Emotional and spiritual health does not arise and cannot arise from anything that a person does in his own strength or in relationship with other people. Genuine emotional and spiritual health must flow from the relationship with God. WHAT IS YOUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD? Ask yourself today, Do I have an intimate relationship with God? Some people must admit, "I don't have any relationship with Him." Others nearly always must admit, "I don't have as intimate a relationship with God as I would like to have." Begin at that point. Deal first with your relationship with God. Move toward God. He most certainly is moving toward you already. Tell the Lord how you feel, what you desire, where you hurt, why you think you are hurting. Read God's Word with your eyes wide open to the many possible ways that the Lord wants to speak to you personally, through His Word. You are likely to discover valuable nuggets of wise counsel that you had no idea were buried in God's Word. Spend more time with the Lord, talking to Him and listening to Him. Spend more time in His Word, reading with your heart open to the work that God desires to do in you. Build a relationship with God. As the Lord reveals areas of hurt and pain to you, ask Him to heal you of that pain. Be willing to weep in the Lord's presence. Allow Him to use your tears to cleanse from your inner soul the impurities and bitter memories that keep you from being emotionally whole. Ask the Lord to reveal whether you need the wise counsel of a pastor or Christian psychologist. Avail yourself of the help that the Lord makes available to you. Be willing to talk to Christ-following, godly men and women and to seek their insights into God's Word and God's healing process. The Most Basic Need of Your Life • 27 Don't begin at the symptom level. Begin at the root level—your need for an intimate, loving, and healing relationship with God. EVERY PERSON NEEDS A SPIRITUAL REBIRTH Nicodemus came to Jesus at night. He didn't want anybody to see him consulting the man named Jesus, who was considered by many of Nicodemus's peers to be nothing more than a low-class, itinerant carpenter who claimed to be a prophet. Nicodemus said, "Rabbi, we know that You are a teacher come from God; for no one can do these signs that You do unless God is with him" (John 3:2). Nicodemus came to Jesus with what he thought was an intellectual need—a question that he hoped Jesus might be able to answer, a problem that he hoped Jesus might be able to resolve for him so that he would know what and how to think. Nicodemus had seen and heard many things, but he hadn't been able to put it all together. He sought clarifithion, enlightenment, and a rational, understandable, definitive answer from Jesus. Jesus, however, perceived more than an intellectual need. He answered Nicodemus's question by addressing the underlying spiritual root: "Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God" (John 3:3). Jesus further said, "Unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God . . . You must be born again" (John 3:5, 7). Jesus didn't try to prove His divine nature; rather, He went to the core of Nicodemus's need, which was to have a spiritual rebirth. • Every person needs to be cleansed from sin. Every person needs to be released from the burden of guilt, filled with the Holy Spirit, and made whole spiritually. So many falsehoods are circulating today about how a person comes to be a Christian. Let me state it very plainly for you: Salvation isn't gained by being good. Salvation isn't gained by doing good. Salvation isn't gained by thinking good thoughts and having good attitudes. Salvation isn't gained by joining a good church or by being baptized in a good baptismal service. 28 • Our Unmet Needs Salvation isn't gained by having someone else state that you are good. Salvation isn't gained by thinking good things about Jesus. Salvation is gained by your receiving Christ into your life and dwelling in Him even as Ile dwells in you. Some time ago I was at an In Touch (the name of our ministry) dinner in Chicago, and I happened to sit at a table with people who were from a denomination other than mine. I asked them how they happened to start listening to the In Touch programs. One of the women told me that she had always believed in Jesus. She had seen statues and paintings of Him all her life. She said, "When I heard you say, 'Receive Jesus into your life with your faith,' suddenly it was as if a light was turned on inside me. I thought, Now I know what to do with Jesus." Up to that point she had known about Jesus, but she hadn't known what kind of relationship with Jesus she might have. He had been "out there" on the walls and in the stained glass windows and in the words of her church ritual, but He had never been "in there" in her heart. She said, "I am nearly seventy years old, and for more than sixty years Jesus was someone I called the Savior. But now I know Him as my Savior." Salvation is a union with Jesus Christ that is initiated and implemented by God the Father when you believe that Jesus Christ is God's provision for your eternal salvation from sin's death consequences. As the apostle Paul wrote so clearly: "For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast" (Eph. 2:8-9). What is our position when we are in Christ? We are fully adopted into God's immediate family! We are joint heirs with Christ Jesus. We are God's sons and daughters. We have an eternal relationship with God. You are in union with Christ Jesus. The Holy Spirit of almighty God is living His life in you and through you. A SPIRITUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST JESUS IS FOREVER Once this relationship is established, it can never be taken away from you or even destroyed by you. Why? Because of the way you entered the relationship. The Most Basic Need of Your Life • 29 Who initiated the relationship? God the Father. Who made the relationship possible? Jesus Christ on the cross, and in an ongoing daily way, the Holy Spirit who brings us to a full knowledge of what Jesus Christ did on the cross. God Himself, in His fullness, brought about the union we have with Him by Christ Jesus, and nothing that any human being does can undo what God has done. You don't have that power, and neither do I. God's work in saving us is just as definitive as Christ's death on the cross. We can cause ourselves not to feel the union we have with Christ. We can lose some of our joy about being in union with God. We can sin and become estranged from our heavenly Father. But we can never break or destroy the union that is forged with God when we are genuinely saved. Those who have been spiritually birthed cannot be "unbirthed." Just as after a baby is born, he can never be returned to his mother's womb, so the person who has been born again spiritually cannot be returned to his previous state. "But what about when I sin?" you may ask. God sees your sin, grieves your sin, and moves immediately to convict you of your sin so that you will confess it to Him, receive His forgiveness for it, and then not sin again. "But what about when I sin repeatedly?" you may say. "Eventually God is going to get tired of my sinning since I have experienced His grace and kn