COMMUNICATING IN CRITICAL SITUATIONS.docx

COMMUNICATING IN CRITICAL SITUATIONS 1. Introduction =============== What's a critical situation? Critical: from greek "crino" = judge (we don't want to stay there) and then change. Analyse: Does the person use more verbs or nouns? Does the person put the adjective before or after the nouns? Does the person use short or long phrases? 1° exercise: let's define a critical situation: short description: context, matter, actors why the situation is/was critical: problem, impediment, constraints solution: how it is/was managed (solved or ???) lesson learned: what you and we can learn by this experience. [Example]: Due to the strike, my train was cancelled, and I had to go to university for an exam. I had to take my car, drive to Milan. I learn to check the strike the day before. Definition: a critical situation is when you have a problem that in first time you don't think can be solved easily, but then, if you hardly think, you come to a solution. Communication is the kingdom of the **think positive philosophy**. When we think of communication, we usually \"think positive\": how to launch a product, how to make a brand more distinctive, or build a stronger reputation, how to organize an event, how to engage people. That\'s ok. But communication is much more than that. Sometimes we must lead our counterparts to a change. Sometimes we have to manage their resistance. Sometimes we have to say NO. Sometimes we must break the bad news to a colleague, an important client, a key partner, or even the boss himself. Sometimes we have to manage a mistake: a mistake we made, a colleagues of ours made, or the boss himself, and this is probably our point of view, not his/hers. How can we manage these critical situations? To solve problems and to save the relationship, we need specific strategies ex. allowing everyone to preserve harmony in a meeting when we see the risk of a disagreement or, at worst, a conflict, and constructively express our point of view without being aggressive or passive. Knowing these strategies is not enough: we must understand how to use them practically. This is why every lesson in this course will consist of little theory and a lot of practice, cases, role-playing, and discussions about the different applications of the same technique. 2. listening ============ You may know this quote: \"We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.\" It is attributed to Epictetus, a Greek philosopher... or Zeno, or Talete, all wise thinkers, but it doesn\'t matter who. It matters what. Listening is the first action in a communication setting. Especially when the setting is critical. It\'s the first essential skill to improve. Listening is a very challenging task: to listen, you need to focus, to put effort into it. That\'s the meaning of these quick tips: to help you listen more deeply than usual. And looking at the dots in the word L.I.S.T.E.N., maybe you can guess that we\'re going to create a pun from it: an acronym, rapidly becoming an acrostic. Six tips for listening more efficiently. ###### **L**isten. Nothing else. «You don\'t listen to me!» «No, it\'s you not listening!» «No, you» «No, you» And so on. An escalation that, seen from the outside, is absurd, but from the inside, it seems unstoppable. It\'s everyone\'s experience. Yet, the gods have given us two ears and only one mouth: there must be a reason. At school, we are given a mix of exercises and homework to improve our written and oral communication. Then, the communication techniques are studied at work as well. But it\'s almost all about the output: the input is taken for granted. But the problem is that listening is difficult. Even in contexts where it is crucial. An English research published in the British Medical Journal shows how difficult for doctors is listening to their patients without being distracted by other information, background noise, or interferences. Only the first 22 seconds would be pure listening. The data is shocking. 22 seconds: nothing. **William Ury**, master of negotiation, asks himself in his T.E.D. The Power of Listening: what would happen if we passed from the era of communication to the era of listening? If at school we taught children to listen in addition to reading? And listening just aimed to listen, not to reply or judge. What does it mean? We usually listen very little, just for the time we need to put a label on a sentence, some behavior, or somebody. Otherwise, we listen for the time we need to reply. Think about a business meeting: one speaks, then another person speaks, then a third person participates, at a certain point, I flip out and start preparing my answer, I don\'t listen to the others anymore. Or at a conference, when they say \"There will be time for questions later\": I prepare my question and I don\'t listen to what they say. Listening to listen is the first exercise. An ancient philosophical riddle asks, \"if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound?\" Similarly, if a person speaks but no one listens, is it truly communication? Listening is the often overlooked but essential half of communication. In the modern age, with constant interruptions and distractions, real listening is rare. For over 30 years, the author has helped people in tough negotiations, finding that successful negotiators listen more than they talk. Listening is key for three reasons: it helps understand the other side, builds trust and connection, and makes the other person more likely to listen to us. Stories from negotiations with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and a Brazilian entrepreneur illustrate how listening can transform conflicts. Listening is challenging due to mental and emotional noise. To truly listen to others, we must first listen to ourselves and clear our minds. The author dreams of a \"listening revolution\" where listening is taught in schools and practiced in families, leading to better relationships and a more peaceful world. Listening can be a powerful, transformative gift in communication. ###### **I**ntention Listening is a voluntary act. Very different from hearing, from a general feeling, from being there without saying a word. In listening there is conscious, univocal, totally dedicated attention. You need to prepare, concentrate, rise, and move to listen. Be willing to change. In English, the difference between hearing and listening is clearly marked. **Roland Barthes** defines **hearing** as an involuntary psychological act. We don\'t choose when to hear, it\'s an automatic act of the brain. On the other hand, **listening** is voluntary when we put our minds and hearts into what we have chosen to listen to. Tiring. A lot of brain and heart work is required. ###### **S**yntax It is the order of words and phrases to form proper sentences and, first, to allow us to understand and explain to others what we mean. The basic syntax is the \"**SVO syntax**\", subject + verb + direct object. Obvious: \"Mary eats the apple\" is very different from \"The apple eats Mary\". But the matter is more profound than this. One day, at a convent, a novice asked his prior: «Father, can I smoke while I pray?», and he got scolded, punished as the worst of sinners. One minute later, another novice asked the same prior: «Father, can I pray while I smoke?» He was praised for his devotion. A silly story, smoking while praying and praying while smoking is the same thing; the difference lies in the other person\'s perception. Some people have to make premises before telling you something. Ex. those who say «I have something to tell you. But I need to give you a little bit of context before» -- no context please, just tell me what you have to say! Or vice versa: those who call a spade a spade, and you needed to know the causes of that effect. If a doctor says to the patient: «The situation is pretty serious, but luckily we caught it in time and we are optimistic for the future», or they say: «Luckily we caught the situation in time and we are optimistic, but it is pretty serious», what a huge difference! Not in reality, that is precisely the same: what changes is the perception. So, the logical sequences - cause and effect; effect and cause; past, present, future; future, past, present - are meaning that people give to what they have to say. Let\'s listen to them without judging, recognize them, and appreciate them. ###### **T**rans-lation The \"T\" stands for \"**Trans**\", a latin word meaning \"beyond\". \"Translation\" is the process of bringing words and sentences from one language into another and, generally speaking, moving something from one place to another. Also from one brain into another brain. But \"T\" stands for \"**through**\" as well. To go through and beyond the words. Hard task. Mothers are exceptionally good at this, they are black belts when reading between, through, beneath and beyond the words. «How was school today?», «Mmm...». So, from that «Mmm...», Mum starts digging up. Does «Mmm» mean you failed, skipped it, and the teacher wasn\'t there? But mothers are moved by love in carrying out an investigation. Detectives do it too, but with police systems and slightly more coercive methods. Psychoanalysts do it too, asking good questions to help you. Ex. «I\'m scared»: «What scares you? How long have you been scared? How are you scared? In which way? Where did you feel you were scared?». A better question than **Why?**, that is not always a good question: «I don\'t want to go out with you», «Why?», «Because I said no». The question Why? Very often generates a closure; instead, by navigating around it and facing the issue less directly, we can go under, inside, around our interlocutors\' words and extrapolate something more significant. ###### **E**mpathy \"E\" stands for Empathy, but it also stands for Emotions, Embrace, Empowerment, and also Empty mind. "Listen" is the anagram of "silent", it is much more than a linguistic game: it\'s a fact. We live in a constant buzz: in the chaos of contacts at work, at dinner, in the gym, traveling, in Instagram stories, in Facebook states, in Whatsapp chats. We have forgotten how to listen. When you listen, you have to be silent. And do nothing else. Be there in that moment. You must know how to wait and give others time to express their thoughts without pressing or urging them. We also listen with our eyes, hands, and whole body. In face-to-face communication, and even more so in remote communication, which characterizes our odd years (will it be different after the pandemic?). Posture is crucial in listening. A physical and mental posture favors emptiness and fills us with the speaker\'s words, gestures, and tones. ###### **N**arrative And the last point: the \"N\" of \"Narrative, or the ability to tell stories. \"Once upon a time\". \"C\'era una volta\", \"Il était une fois\", \"Había una vez\": in a lot of modern languages, almost all fairy tales start with this formula. Fairy tales are stories par excellence, and people love to tell stories. We should listen carefully to people\'s stories, which aren\'t only facts; they\'re the value they attribute to facts. If I had to tell you something about my pen, I would tell you that it\'s made of plastic, with a bit of metal, and this is a fact. If I told you what it represents or means to me, you could develop an idea from the fact that I keep it here on my heart, and not in my pencil case: it\'s the value, it\'s the person who gave it to me, it\'s the meaning I give to it. People don\'t make love or war for facts; they make love or war for the meaning they give to facts, and thus there are people who tell you about their medical exams, or about the film or T.E.D. they\'ve watched, and people who tell you about the stories that they will like to live in the future. \"I have a dream\": Martin Luther King spoke about his goal in the form of a dream, namely a story in the past. The value of narration is moving between the past and the future. Let\'s listen to people\'s stories with love because it is the most significant act of love we can address to them: listening to their stories. Understanding the communicative message is related to the ability to decode the message; for this reason it seems particularly important to dedicate ample space to the ability to **listen**. We often listen to ourselves through filters that operate within us, even unconsciously, and which threaten the success of listening. Some of these filters are: memories, images of the past and future, expectations, attitudes, physical environment, beliefs, values, interests, assumptions, feelings, past experiences and prejudices. Other psychological barriers to listening are closed-mindedness, the belief that speaking confers power, the disposition to hear only what one wants, having opinions on the level and value of what will be said, certain stimulating terms or emotions. There are also physical barriers such as fatigue or time lag. The speaker speaks approximately 200 words per minute, while the listener can process 300 to 500. Finally, there are semantic barriers: the average adult uses around 500 words, each of which has 20/25 meanings, so that two people can use 500 words with the possibility of 12,500 different meanings. ##### Hearing vs listening **Listening** is the complex and voluntary action of those who actively participate in a conversation and consciously choose to capture the information in question. On the contrary, **hearing** is an involuntary action that our brain does (reading a book in front of the TV, or listening to music in the office). Non-verbal signs are extremely significant in the listening process, in fact we are often conditioned, when listening, by the way they look at us. It therefore becomes strategic to be able to read body language: facial expression, posture, gestures, looks\... The emotional tone of the voice and its variations can also provide some information. To ensure a good level of listening, it may be useful to ask the interlocutor for an explanation regarding behavior that we do not understand or that appears discrepant to us; asking what, how, where, when, who and why can reduce misunderstandings. A good listener tends to keep an open mind and a genuine interest with a little curiosity towards people; tends to use time lag to mentally summarize the message heard, formulate clarification questions and observe non-verbal signs. Listening empathically means placing oneself in a positive relationship with the interlocutor, thinking that the subjects in communication are in the I am position ok, you are ok: it is an attitude of openness and trust that facilitates the understanding and collaboration of the interlocutors and the desire to identify areas of common interest and the possibility of expressing oneself with greater freedom in the certainty that one will not be judged or censored, the empathetic listener has a spirit of cooperation and acts as a sounding board, a mirror of ideas and emotions that the interlocutor expresses; maintains the flow of communication by encouraging the other to talk about their problems or to express their ideas and also communicates attention with non-verbal signs. repeat, summarize. Counteract one\'s preconceptions that erect walls in communication in the event of a negative impact, suspend judgment and act as an \"angel\'s advocate\": \"what do I like about this person?\" make use of a common code with attention to the cultural context of the person interlocutor listen to any feedback, even non-verbal, be available to modify the message if we understand that we have not been clear, reflect on our attitudes and the corresponding linguistic forms that can facilitate communication: ask open questions, avoid peremptory statements, use sentences of understanding rather than evaluation\... be aware of being conditioned by defense mechanisms and those of perception, therefore try to be more listening, more observant**.** **Passive listening** = hearing Passive listening does not help communication and does not improve the relationship between the two interlocutors. - Having a distracted, absent or fleeting look - Perform other actions while listening - Comment with your own opinions and disconnected from the speech - To be in a hurry to offer solutions to the problem - Press the speaker to get to the point ##### Active Listening It is a more complex and conscious activity, which requires a proactive attitude on the part of those who receive the message and is a set of voluntary actions such as: - silence - contact signals - suspension of the judgment - give verbal and non-verbal attention signals - reformulations (mirroring, clarification) - open questions - propose synthesis - repeat what the other person said (do not paraphrase) - body language ex. look in the eyes, eye contact - not interrupting - less me - nodding - empathy (empatia) and sympathy (comprensione) - be on the point - repeat the last words ex. If you are a doctor and the patient says "I have headache", you can say "okay headache and...?" you stimulate the conversation it is so hard to listen because it needs a lot of energy, focus, it's emotional consuming. It's very difficult to listen and just listen, without responding, without judging, without measuring yourself against or with what you are listening. Multitasking is impossible. It's not doing more things at the same time, but it's putting attention and that's not possible. The brain works in one topic, then it closes it and starts with another one. It can help us to remember that we spend 40% of our time listening, 35% speaking, 16% reading and 9% writing. While we are taught to write and read since primary school, no one teaches us to listen. In communicating with the patient and his family we will be more useful and we will experience a more rewarding relationship for both of us if we are able to achieve active listening. When you show attention to the interlocutor, stress and tension are reduced and a positive and mutually rewarding process is activated: empathic listening promotes understanding and a sense of security. Listening: - key to effective communication - a voluntary act - hearing vs listening - high level of concentration and energy - conscious, univocal and totally dedicated attention Listening: voluntary action, takes a lot of effort to do (ex. you are in class and you listen to what the professor is saying) Listen to understand or counter attack also to judge, but you should put it aside (should just listen and not how you feel) Hearing: happens by chance, involuntary action easier, don\'t put a lot of effort (ex. you are in class and you are listening to the professor, but you hear people chatting) 2.1 5 ways to listen better -- Julian Treasure ---------------------------------------------- We are losing our listening. We spend roughly 60 percent of our communication time listening, but we\'re not very good at it, we retain just 25 percent of what we hear. Now, not you, not this talk, but that is generally true. Let\'s define listening as making meaning from sound: it\'s a mental process, and it\'s a process of extraction. We use some pretty cool techniques to do this, one of them is pattern recognition, so in a cocktail party like this, if I say, \"David, Sara, pay attention\", some of you just sat up. We recognize patterns to distinguish noise from signal, and especially our name. Differencing is another technique we use: if I left this pink noise on for more than a couple of minutes, you would literally cease to hear it. We listen to differences, we discount sounds that remain the same. And then there is a whole range of filters that take us from all sound down to what we pay attention to. Most people are entirely unconscious of these filters, but they actually create our reality in a way, because they tell us what we\'re paying attention to right now. I\'ll give you one [example] of that intention is very important in sound, in listening. When I married my wife, I promised her I would listen to her every day as if for the first time. Now that\'s something I fall short of on a daily basis. But it\'s a great intention to have in a relationship. But that\'s not all. sound places us in space and in time. If you close your eyes right now in this room, you\'re aware of the size of the room from the reverberation and the bouncing of the sound off the surfaces; you\'re aware of how many people are around you, because of the micro-noises you\'re receiving. And sound places us in time as well, because sound always has time embedded in it. In fact, I would suggest that our listening is the main way that we experience the flow of time from past to future. So, \"Sonority is time and meaning\" \-- a great quote. I said at the beginning, we\'re losing our listening. Why did I say that? Well, there are a lot of reasons for this: 1. we invented ways of recording: first writing, then audio recording and now video recording as well. The premium on accurate and careful listening has simply disappeared 2. the world is now so noisy, with this cacophony going on visually and auditorily, it\'s just hard to listen; it\'s tiring to listen. Many people take refuge in headphones, but they turn big, public spaces like this, shared soundscapes, into millions of tiny, little personal sound bubbles. In this scenario, nobody\'s listening to anybody. We\'re becoming impatient. We don\'t want oratory anymore; we want sound bites. And the art of conversation is being replaced by personal broadcasting. I don\'t know how much listening there is in this conversation, which is sadly very common, especially in the UK. We\'re becoming desensitized, our media have to scream at us with these kinds of headlines in order to get our attention. And that means it\'s harder for us to pay attention to the quiet, the subtle, the understated. This is a serious problem that we\'re losing our listening. This is not trivial, because listening is our access to understanding. Conscious listening always creates understanding, and only without conscious listening can these things happen. A world where we don\'t listen to each other at all is a very scary place indeed. So, I\'d like to share with you five simple exercises, tools, you can take away with you, to improve your own conscious listening: 1. the first one is silence. Just three minutes a day of silence is a wonderful exercise to reset your ears and to recalibrate, so that you can hear the quiet again. If you can\'t get absolute silence, go for quiet, that\'s absolutely fine 2. second, I call this \"the mixer.\" So even if you\'re in a noisy environment, listen in the coffee bar to how many channels of sound can I hear? How many individual channels in that mix am I listening to? You can do it in a beautiful place as well, like in a lake. How many birds am I hearing? Where are they? Where are those ripples? It\'s a great exercise for improving the quality of your listening 3. third, this exercise I call \"savoring,\" and this is a beautiful exercise. It\'s about enjoying mundane sounds. This, for [example], is my tumble dryer. It\'s a waltz \-- one, two, three; one, two, three; one, two, three. Mundane sounds can be really interesting \-- if you pay attention. I call that the \"hidden choir\" \-- it\'s around us all the time 4. the next exercise is probably the most important of all of these, if you just take one thing away. This is listening positions, the idea that you can move your listening position to what\'s appropriate to what you\'re listening to. Some of the listening positions, or scales of listening positions, that you can use are active/passive, reductive/expansive, critical/empathetic 5. finally, an acronym, you can use this in listening, in communication. The acronym is RASA, which is the Sanskrit word for \"juice\" or \"essence.\" RASA stands for \- \"Receive\": pay attention to the person \- \"Appreciate\": making little noises like \"hmm,\" \"oh,\" \"OK\" \- \"Summarize\": the word \"so\" is very important in communication \- \"Ask\": ask questions afterwards. I believe that every human being needs to listen consciously in order to live fully, connected in space and in time to the physical world around us, connected in understanding to each other, not to mention spiritually connected, because every spiritual path I know of has listening and contemplation at its heart. That\'s why we need to teach listening in our schools as a skill. Why is it not taught? It\'s crazy. And if we can teach listening in our schools, we can take our listening off that slippery slope to that dangerous, scary world that I talked about, and move it to a place where everybody is consciously listening all the time, or at least capable of doing it. 2.2 7 allenamenti per ascoltare in modo efficace -- Alessandro Lucchini ----------------------------------------------------------------------- \"How many ears must a man have before he hears others cry?\" I always stopped on this verse, singing \"Blowin\' in the Wind\". I think he stopped well too when he sang it. How many ears do we have, how many ears must we have? \"If the gods gave us two ears\", said a philosopher, \"and only one mouth, perhaps they had a reason\". And instead we think that yes, we train to speak, to write, and instead we think that to listen we just need to be there. \"Listening\" is a demanding word, it is a difficult word. To listen you have to concentrate, commit, lift yourself up, move, go somewhere else, want to change. Since \'listening\' (ascolto) is a 7-letter word, I\'m about to make a play on words. 7 suggestions that I want to offer you marked by the 7 letters of this word to listen effectively: 1\) A: Listen to listen and not to respond or judge. Think about the Bob Dylan event, did anyone ask him what his position is? Why did he behave like this? No, after the first moments of inaction, we were very ready to attach a label to ourselves: overbearing, arrogant, who does he think he is? Then, when he declared: \"Thank you, sorry, very kind, I\'m busy that day\", controversy broke out: \"I\'m busy\" is what they say when they invite you to a gathering of your high school classmates, right? I said: \"I\'m busy\...\" You don\'t do it that way. Maybe he feels inadequate, I don\'t know, but we didn\'t ask him, and this is what we usually do: we listen very little, we listen just enough to put a label on it. I think you are doing it too, we all do it. Or, we listen just enough to respond. Think about a work meeting. One speaks, the other speaks, the other speaks; at a certain point I get a blood clot and I start preparing my response, I no longer listen to the others. Listening to listen and that\'s it, it\'s the first training. 2\) S: do we only listen to words? There are a lot of other elements that can help us listen. There are three channels through which we express what we have inside: 1. words: subjunctives, verbs, nouns and adjectives 2. the phonetic, prosodic part: the sounds, the timbre of the voice, the tone of the voice 3. the physical part: the dress, the smile, the posture, the gestures. Second training: we listen to the words and listen to a lot of other elements that are around 3\) C: \'Certain\' words. It is appropriate to listen to certain words in particular: what are they? We have an infinite number of words in our languages. There are approximately 185,000 words in dictionaries; 465,000, the richest dictionary that contains these, plus the words of the so-called DIS, special Italian dictionaries, those of the sector. Of this infinite amount of words, we have around 250, which are called our \"hot words\", the words that warm our hearts. Of these, about fifty are called our \"key words\", those that open or close our heart. Ex. if there is any of you who is called Alessandro like me, when we introduce ourselves, you will have heard: \"Alessandro. Me too!\" But the first stuff that comes to your head is you, or like your children, like the people you love. It is useful when I listen to a person to recognize the words that give energy, vigor, the words on which people place emphasis: let\'s recognize them and treat them with the utmost care. 4\) O: disjunctive conjunctions. \"Or\" is a word that generates a crossroads. Are we sure that when we listen to someone\'s story, we listen to the story? Or do we hear it in our perception, in our prejudices, in our representation? There are the facts of former life ex. a football match, a war, an act of love; then there is my perception; finally what I go around saying on the topic. There are people who confuse these three levels, who think they always think the truth, that they have the truth in their pocket, people who think they tell the truth and people who think they always say what they think. So, let\'s distinguish reality from thinking about reality, from linguistic representation. 5\) L: logic, logical structures. Logical analysis is the analysis of the sequences of words within a sentence. Ex. one day, in a convent, a novice asked his prior: \"Father, can I smoke while I pray?\" And he was rebuked, punished as the worst of sinners. A minute later, another novice asked the same prior: \"Father, can I pray while I smoke?\" And he was praised for his devotion. The story may seem silly to you, but smoking while I pray and praying while I smoke are the same stuff, it\'s the same thing; the difference lies in the perception of the other. Ex. if a doctor says to a patient: \"Sir, the situation is quite serious, but fortunately we caught it in time and we are optimistic for the future.\" Or he says: \"Luckily we caught it in time and we are optimistic, but the situation is quite serious.\" It\'s the same reality; what changes is perception. Logical sequences (cause and effect, effect and cause, past-present-future, future-past-present) are the meaning that people give to what they have to say. 6\) T: tra (between the words) and trans (beyond the words). Ex. mothers: \"How did school go today?\" \"Mh\...\" Well, from that \"Mh\...\" the mother begins to dig: in the sense that she wanked you? meaning you skipped it? in the sense that the teacher wasn\'t there? But mothers are moved by love, in carrying out an investigation; investigators also do it, with slightly more coercive systems, psychoanalysts do it. Go between and under the words, to listen, helping the person speaking, perhaps asking good questions. Ex. "I\'m scared": what are you scared of? Since when are you scared? How scared are you? How? Where did you hear that you were scared? The question \"why?\" It\'s not always a good question. Ex. \"I don\'t want to go out with you\" \"Why?\" \"Why not!\" The question \"why?\" it often generates a closure, however, by going around it, you manage to go underneath, inside, around the words and bring out something more significant. 7\) O: \"Once upon a time\" = \"Once upon a time\". It is the formula of narratives. Ex. If I were to tell you something about this pen, I would tell you that it is made of plastic, it has a bit of metal, but I would tell you the fact. If I told you what it represents for me, from the fact that I keep it here and not in my pencil case, an idea might come to you. It\'s the value, the person who gave it to me, the meaning I attribute to it. People do not make love or war for the facts, but for the meaning they attribute to the facts. Knowing how to move between past and future is the value of narratives. We listen to people\'s stories with love, because it is truly the greatest act of love we can show to a person, listening to their stories. 3. Expressive Channels (V-PV-NV) ================================ Do you know which is the influence of words in interpersonal communications? We communicate globally with one another through language, gestures, signs and pictograms, and it is almost impossible not to communicate. To better understand communication, professor of psychology **Albert Mehrabian** studied the importance of nonverbal communication. As a result, the influence of nonverbal communication is stronger than was first assumed. Albert Mehrabian studied the effects of conflicting messages. Why does someone stamping their feet while yelling «I\'m not angry» not come across as credible? Only 7% of what we communicate consists of the literal content of the message. The use of one\'s voice, such as tone, intonation and volume, takes up to 38% and as much as 55% of communication consists of body language. Not a single day in our lives can pass without communication and this is something different from others human beings. We can share our thoughts, believes, values, judgments with other people, but what the others understand depends on our communication skills. The communication process is made by 3 expressive channels: 1. **verbal** (7%) 2. **non-verbal** (55%) 3. **paraverbal** (38%) In order to have an effective communication, we must use all three components to do 2 main things: 1. send clear, concise messages 2. hear and correctly understand messages someone is sending to us. ##### Verbal channel What is literally being said. The spoken word is part of the verbal communication and the intonation and body language are both part of the non-verbal communication. Key elements: - choice of words, phrases, expressions - sign language or other codes language - the written word Effective verbal messages: 1. are brief, succinct and organized 2. are free of jargon 3. do not create resistance in the listener. ##### Paraverbal It\'s not what you say that makes me angry, it\'s how you say it. It's not what we say but how we say it: - tone - pitch - pace of our voice - pauses - rhythm - silence Angry or excited rapid and higher pitched Bored or sad slow and monotone quality Defensive abrupt ##### NON-VERBAL Body language \> visual perception Posture, gesture, proxemics, facial muscles vitality, smiles, eye contact, etc. The non-verbal elements in the communication model show a person\'s feelings and opinions. When someone says something, their body language and intonation could be dominant, as a result, there might be no agreement between what they say and what they radiate. Communication is about the fact that the verbal and non-verbal elements support one another and that these are congruent. What someone says will then be more powerful and convincing if gestures and intonation are coherent. The message will absolutely be more unconvincing when there is no congruence, and the receiver could be set on the wrong track. Our body speaks without us; these signals are sent unconsciously by one person and felt by another. This can happen intentionally or unintentionally and we have to pay attention on that. 4 key elements: - kinesics: based on the science related to behavior (gesture, posture, facial expression) - proxemics: it's the science that study the distance between two people in a communicating process - iconology: it's the science of images because it consists of conveying the message to the use of icons and images - non-communication: even if you don't speak, you're saying something. Non-verbal communication: - placing your hand on your cheek: shows that you're thinking and carefully evaluating the information you're receiving - rubbing or touching your nose: you appear dishonest; if you see someone else rubbing their nose, it's a good indication that you need to be careful not to believe everything they tell you automatically - pulling your ear: shows that you're trying to make a decision but just haven't gotten there yet - tilting your head on one side: it usually means you're listening intently and deeply interested in finding out the information you're being told. It can also mean you're concentrating very hard - arm crossed across the chest: is nearly always seen as defensive body language; person can be insecure, annoyed or closed off; see someone with their arm and legs crossed for a long period of time, remember that it could indicate that the temperature where you are is too cold. It could also mean they're tired or simply supporting their shoulders in an armless chair. \- 7% spoken words (verbal) - 38% voice, tone (paraverbal) - 55% body language: we can put the use of emoji here (non-verbal) Tips for the successful conversation: - lean gently towards the speaker - facing the other person squarely - maintaining an open posture with arm and legs uncrossed - maintaining an appropriate distance between us and the speaker - moving our bodies in response to the speaker, appropriate head nodding, facial expressions - give to the interlocutor the feeling that they are listened Verbal (7%): words what you actually say? Paraverbal (38%): voice and tone how you address it? Non-verbal (55%): body language, emojis What if your body language doesn\'t match your verbal? people perceive more the body language (as it is the biggest portion 55%) We can lie through our body language, but it is really hard Thank you for smoking video: Paraverbal/non-verbal: - he raises his hand to get attention - he shacked his hands (like if he was praying) saying "please listen to me" to intimate - he moves his finger and hand to attack his opponent - he shacked the man of the boy - he was posing to the public - about his voice, he's calm What you put after the "but" is seen as more important from who listens **«NICK -** Joan, how on earth would "Big Tobacco" profit off of the loss of this young man? I hate to think in such callous terms, but if anything, we'd be losing a customer. It's not only our hope but it's in our best interests to keep Robin alive and smoking. **RON -** That's ludicrous! **NICK -** Let me tell you something, Joan, and please, let me share something with the fine and concerned people in the audience today. The Ron Goodes of this world want the Robin Willigers to die. **RON -** What?! **NICK -** You know why? So that their budgets will go up. This is nothing less than trafficking in human misery, and you, sir, ought to be ashamed of yourself. **RON -** Oh, I have to be ashamed of myself??? **NICK -** As a matter of fact, we're about to launch\... a fifty-million dollar campaign aimed at persuading kids not to smoke. Because I think that we can all agree that there's nothing more important than America's children. **JOAN -** And with that, there's something more we wanna know about it, but I have to take a short break. Hang on, a lot more coming.» At the end he uses a political tone of voice. But for example in Italy saying "Italian children" is less effective than saying "American children" in America; maybe in Italy it's better to say "our children" because Italian are less patriotic then americans. 4. R-RR-RRR \> RRR-RR-R: Reality and representation =================================================== I draw a chair. I ask you: «What is it?». «A chair», you reply. «So, can you sit down on it?». We do this often, in our courses. It looks like a little joke, but it helps to reflect on the sense of reality and representation. **Reality** is one thing (**R**): the house, the car, the company, the passing of time. It is unique, objective, and outside of us, it\'s the same for everyone. Another thing is the **mental representation of reality** (**R.R.**), that is the significance, the subjective meaning, and that is variable over time (I certainly have the right to change my idea on everything, haven\'t I?). It is the importance we attribute to reality, the value that those some aspects of reality have for us, our perception. One more thing is the **linguistic representation of the mental representation of reality** (**R.R.R.**): that\'s the signifier, the language we use to express our meanings: the real chair (R) \> my idea of a chair (R.R.) \> the word I use to define it (R.R.R. = chair in English, chaise in French, sedia in Italian). And what happens on my interlocutors\' side? When I talk to them, does my language really represent my meaning? They receive my words (R.R.R.), decode them according to their own representation of reality (R.R.) and get a subjective (variable, different...) idea of the reality (R) I\'m talking about. How many possibilities are there that the two realities match? Very few. There are a lot of distortions between what reality is and what, thanks to our way of communicating, our stakeholders perceive. And when someone else is talking, do I get a sense of their thinking? Do I know how to lower the volume of my prejudices, emotions, subjective interpretations? Will I be able to listen without misinterpreting/manipulating everything through my filters related to my culture, values, senses? People don\'t make war, or love, for reality, but for what reality represents for them. The Gaza Strip is a small, unfortunate strip of land, poor even in water, yet for decades soldiers, terrorists and peaceful people have ruined their lives because of it. An hour, sixty minutes spent in the arms of those we love, or in the dentist\'s chair, or in the waiting room of a hospital, gnawing at our souls for a shred of news, have a very different meaning. R \> RR \> RRR RRR \> RR \> R The most difficult part is to communicate our representation and to translate the other's representation. Ex. Milan is unique, is real. In our mind there are infinite representation of reality. The RRR is the linguistic representation. What I feel about Milan (R=reality), how I see in my mind the representation of Milan (RR=representation of reality) and the language I use to express it (RRR=linguistic representation of representation of reality). Ex. Time: 1 hour = 60 minutes; what are you doing in this time?; how can you describe that time. When I start to speak/write to someone, my communication form go on the other side: what do they receive? They receive my words, and they have to translate it in their representation of reality. The reality is the same, but there are a lot of representations. R= my own reality RR = representation of reality RRR = linguistic representation of the representation of reality - how I say my representation of my reality 5. Hot / Key words ================== We have about 250 words named **hot words**. They are words that warm up our heart and brain and give us energy. They can be positive hot words that describe our passions, ambitions, and values, or they can be negative hot words: our fears, anguish, people and things that we consider enemies. In these 250, there are about 50 words that we can call **keywords**. Words that, as keys actually do, can open or close our hearts. Ex. the names of our beloved relatives, brothers and sisters, or friends; the places we love to go to, our heroes in sport or music, the best or the most terrible year in our life, our founding values, the ones we can fight or even die for. They are keys that open the relationship, if we hear them pronounced the way we do, respectfully. Instead, they become hard locks if someone makes fun of them. It\'s very useful to check the hot and the keywords of any speaker we talk with. When our time comes, we can use them. That\'s why it\'s always beneficial to train to listen. Key words create connection (they can open or close a conversation) Hot words: emotionally relevant words 6. Representational Systems: Visual, Auditory, Kinaesthetic (vak) ================================================================= In every single moment of our life, we filter reality through our sensory channels, the five senses, and unconsciously reprocess it. We can see, hear/listen, smell, taste, touch. And feel natural, because we all have the sixth sense (intuition, instinct, emotional perception). The senses are the entry channel of all our knowledge, the door to reach our brain and heart. In this way, we create our own subjective representation of the world, made of images, sounds, smells, tastes, sensations and moods. We use all our representational systems, but we usually tend to favour one. **Visual**, **auditory** and **kinaesthetic** are our representational systems: they indicate the sensory organ primarily used for gathering and processing information: sight, hearing, smell-taste-touch-mood (kinaesthesia). The choice of a system also implies the selection of the necessary words to encode the experience itself, which is then reflected in language and physical behavior, thus revealing the dominant system of a person. How do you really connect with someone with your language? Does it really matter what words you use to create rapport and connection? Find out now. What this really means is we\'re talking about how a person constructs their reality and how a person conveys that and that\'s normally in representational systems and they are what you probably heard of a cog. Visual, auditory, kinesthetic or factory and gustatory talk about a mouthful but typically the main three visual, auditory and kinesthetic, this is how people will internalize what\'s being said, this is how people will verbalize, how they understand. People will not only construct different representations in their mind depends on what their preference is, what are their sensory preferences, but we also communicate in no styles as well. This is why they\'re on occasion you can be speaking with someone and it just feels like you\'re not talking the same language, you\'re just not connecting, you\'re just not seeing where the other person is coming from. This is why it is vitally important you really begin to grasp representational systems in communication. It really can enhance any line of communication not only for you to understand where another person is coming from, more importantly to make sure that they fully understand you. We\'re all human, we\'re all odd, we\'re all completely different. So by understanding it really does give you the edge to fully understand and to communicate at the best of your ability what it is that you want to convey, but you can also begin to deconstruct what another person is saying so you fully understand the message as well. You\'ve heard of the film "Lost in translation": even if you speak the same language sometimes we just get lost. Let\'s look at an [example]: I\'ve put one on the blog about a wedding planner. Now let\'s say that the couple call the wedding planner and they leave a vet message on the wedding planner's voicemail and they say «hey wedding planner we\'ve seen your website and we\'ve seen some great recommendations for your work and we\'re really struggling to get a clear idea of what we want to create an hour big day. We know who want to see something special so that when everyone arrives they just get the impression that they\'re being wowed by this stunning Ness. Can you help us out?» And then when the wedding planner might call back having not noticed the sensory preference is used or the representational systems used, perhaps the wedding planner would say «of course I can help, we can put a plan together, we can knock it all into place and make sure it\'s exactly the shape of a wedding that you want. Because some people like big tall grandiose ornaments; other people like delicate ornaments; people like something that they can sit on that\'s very plush. Whatever makes you feel right I\'m here to help». And the couple could look perplexed because they\'re not talking in the same representational system. Whenever you\'re dealing with a person describing something that you want, that you desire, that you like, for example we can get very passionate and then that\'s when our real internal representational systems can come out. So when the couple call the wedding planner and talk in terms of being visual, being glitzy, it needs to look right we need to get a clear picture of what this is going to look like for us. And the wedding planner replies saying «no problem I understand how you feel let\'s *knock* this together to make sure we have a plan that works» we\'re talking in very functional kinesthetic type feeling. That connection can be lost, so it\'s vitally important that you not only understand your language but you understand other people\'s language too, so you can make a better connection. What happens when you\'re talking to more than one person? What happens when you start that line of communication perhaps in a text message and email, in a letter, in a conversation, where do you start? Because you don\'t know. Let\'s take groups for [example]: if you\'re talking to a large group of people you can\'t possibly begin to grab each person\'s representational system and speak to them fluidly. So you simply be varied in your approach. If you\'re speaking to a large group you\'ll talk about those things that you can see, you can see the big picture and get that vision of what it\'s going to be like when we all achieve that. So just imagine how that\'s going to feel when people are saying "wow guys you\'ve done an amazing job". This is something that really touches the heart when a person is able to see a vision and work towards it, imagine how good that feels. Not only to people outside recognize and say how amazing that work is. That little voice inside says "well done you\'ve achieved". You can be very broad with your language and use those three main representational systems to cover it off when you\'re in large groups and the same works for emails, the same works in written word as well. Just be varied in your approach initially until you get some feedback then you can adjust. So when you have nothing to go from just make sure you enrich in the conversation the communication or the discussion with any way you can using these main sensory preferences. Representational systems are there to be used, there to be noticed and there to make a difference and not only to your connection and communication but to those that you\'re trying to convey something to. What comes after communication? What else can you bolt on and understand representational systems? Let\'s take the event or the wedding for [example] and it is perhaps you\'ve got something close to you that you would like to create an event that people do feel special they do want to - and that you don\'t get any criticism; how do you do that? The quick answer is you can\'t please everyone, but what you can do is make sure that the seating is comfortable for those people **kinesthetics**; you can make sure it does look beautiful and well presented for those **visual** people; you can make sure that the PA system and that the sound system is a good quality so those people who are predominantly **auditory** get the real high quality sound that they\'re looking for. You can make sure that your Toastmaster speaks eloquently not only does he look the part, but he sounds the part. Then you can add in if the Toastmaster all people doing the speech can create a level of emotion for those kinesthetics again. Representational systems are everywhere around us, so it\'s just time to stop and think for a moment: how can you begin to implement and use them? Now remember: with all NLP there\'s no way to learn it by watching, by listening or reading. NLP or learning any anything needs to be done experientially. So how are you going to apply this? How are you going to practically take this and start to implement it to notice it in your life? What are representational systems in NLP? Representational systems are basically your five senses: your ability to see, to hear, to touch, to smell and taste. We don\'t get too much into the smell and taste in NLP because we don\'t normally try to solve problems using our sense of smell and our sense of taste unless you are a sommelier, a professional wine judge, or a chef. In NLP, we say the map is not the territory. We don\'t interact with or respond to reality directly; we respond from an internal map. We take in information through our five senses and represent internally a map of the world around us. We take in way too much information to be able to process it all, so through distortion, deletion, and generalization, we create an internal representation. Like a map, which only has the necessary details to navigate the territory, our internal representation has the necessary details to navigate our reality. How do we represent that map? We represent it through sensory-based information. In NLP, we focus on the structure, not necessarily the content. What is the structure of your map? Is it primarily visual, primarily kinesthetic (touch and proprioception), or primarily auditory? When people first start studying NLP, they often try to determine which representational system they primarily use. They might say, \"I think I\'m visual because I see lots of images,\" or \"I think I\'m auditory because I really like music and sounds,\" or \"I think I\'m kinesthetic because I feel everything before I make a choice.\" They might also try to figure out other people's primary systems. The truth is that everyone uses every representational system. People often tell me they can\'t visualize, and I assure them that they do visualize---they just may not be conscious of it. We use all representational systems to create our internal map. We might lean on one system more than others, but this is often contextual. For [example], an athlete might rely on kinesthetic and proprioceptive senses to solve problems in their sport, but they also use visual and auditory senses. Understanding how you and others process reality can improve communication. For [example], visual people often speak quickly and look up or ahead, auditory people are sensitive to the tone and pitch of sounds, and kinesthetic people often look down and speak more slowly and deeply. Recognizing these patterns helps in adjusting your communication to match their processing style. A common myth in NLP is that people who make decisions based on feelings are highly kinesthetic. However, everyone uses emotional evaluative kinesthetic senses to make decisions. True kinesthetic senses involve touch and proprioception. Visual people tend to be slender and appearance-conscious, auditory people gravitate towards music and pleasant sounds, and kinesthetic people might be more tactile and aware of their physical sensations. Most people are quite balanced in using their representational systems, though they might favor one system in certain contexts. If you find that you heavily rely on one system, it can be beneficial to develop the others to access more resources and solutions. Understanding representational systems in NLP helps you understand yourself and others better. If you feel you don\'t visualize well, work on developing that skill because the visual system allows you to access a lot of information simultaneously. By balancing and enhancing all your representational systems, you can improve your problem-solving abilities and overall communication. ##### VISUAL REPRESENTATIONAL SYSTEM Visual people have a strong imagination, attention to colors, sizes, and distances. They love photography, painting, sculpture, and visual arts. They learn and memorize above all what they see. Visual memory, physiognomists. When they cross a road, and see a face, they walk on and keep looking at that face, asking themselves: where did I see him/her? They remember faces, but rarely remember names. The same goes for city streets. When visual people indicate you a direction, they gesture a lot and say something like: there\'s the petrol station over there, then there is a bar, that yellow banner, that turn on the right. In that case be careful, visual people confuse right with left very often; trust the gesture, which is much more credible than their words. How do visual people speak? Since they are visual in perception, they are mainly visual in language also. They use words that refer to sight. **Verbs** such as see, observe, clarify, focus, outline, depict, schematize, and frame. Nouns such as picture, painting, scenario, perspective, dimension, distance, panorama, overview. **Adjectives** such as light, dark, sharp, dusky, hazy, limpid, turbid. **Typical phrases:** in a long-term perspective, the bigger picture looks rosier than expected, here is the draft for the renewal. Can you have a look at it to see if it\'s fine? About **para-verbal and non-verbal parts**: high volume and tone of voice, few breaks, fast breathing, upright posture and upward glance; wide and descriptive gestures, hands moving outwards, open palms facing downwards. ##### AUDITORY REPRESENTATIONAL SYSTEM Auditory people usually have a harmonic and linear (sometimes monotonous) tone of voice; gestures in time with words; hands close to mouth and ears; head inclined towards the source of the sound. They record how the information sounds. They love music much more than painting, remember voices more than faces, remember people\'s names. The most exciting thing they say in front of an artwork is «nice». But if they hear music, a song, or a voice, they get excited about this. How do auditory people speak? Since they are auditory in perception, they are mainly auditory in language also. They use **words** such as listen, hear, talk, say, explain, sound/play, acute, deaf, shrill, loud, soft, harmony, tuning, dissonance, alarm bell. They don\'t tell you, \"Sorry, it\'s not clear to me\", like visual people do; they say, \"I can\'t hear\". It doesn\'t sound good to me. There\'s something that screeches. Could you repeat it? **Typical phrases**: I inform you of the expiration of the guarantees to be released to the X.Y.Z. society. Tell me if you can provide quick answers. ##### KINAESTHETIC REPRESENTATIONAL SYSTEM (olfactory, gustatory, tactile) Kinesthetic people are governed by the other three senses: smell, taste and touch. And the whole sphere of emotions. They usually have a low volume and tone of voice, long breaks (to savor every sensation); relaxed shoulders, downward glance, deep breathing; gestures moving from the outside towards the body, and palms often facing upwards, as in a propitiatory mode. They organize their perceptions around the olfactory, gustatory and tactile sensations. How do kinesthetic people speak? Since they are kinesthetic in perception, they are mainly kinesthetic also in language, which is characterized by **words** relating to physicality and emotionality: feel, try, taste, smell, touch; hot, cold, heavy, concrete, rough, tasty; scent, contact, tangible, flavor, sensation, attraction. ![Immagine che contiene testo, schermata, Carattere, numero Descrizione generata automaticamente](media/image2.png) Representational systems are effective tools in interpersonal communication. We can experiment with them and let them change our way of listening and speaking with people daily. **The sound of silence** V=green A=blue K=pink Hello darkness, my old friend I\'ve come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence In restless dreams I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone \'Neath the halo of a street lamp I turned my collar to the cold and damp When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night And touched the sound of silence And in the naked light I saw Ten thousand people, maybe more People talking without speaking People hearing without listening People writing songs that voices never share No one dared Disturb the sound of silence \"Fools\" said I, \"You do not know Silence like a cancer grows Hear my words that I might teach you Take my arms that I might reach you\" But my words like silent raindrops fell And echoed in the wells of silence And the people bowed and prayed To the neon god they made And the sign flashed out its warning In the words that it was forming And the sign said, \"The words of the prophets Are written on the subway walls And tenement halls And whispered in the sounds of silence\" Representational systems: people unconsciously reprocess reality after filtering it via our 5 senses: 1. sight 2. smell 3. hear 4. taste 5. touch \+ 6° sense: intuition, emotional perception. All of the information enters into our senses that are a gateway to our brain and heart. By combining vision, sound, emotions, perception, we all create our personal interpretation of the outside worlds. There are 3 categories of people: 1. **visual** people: have a great imagination, awareness of sizes, distances, colours. They prefer vision art which includes paintings, sculptures, photography. They remember faces better than names 2. **auditory** people: have a linear and harmonic voice. They tent to remember names better than faces. They often hold their hands close to mouth and hears and turn their head in the direction of the sound 3. **kinaesthetic** people: they are ruled by touch, smell, taste and the entire sphere of emotions. They often speak softly and take breaks to enjoy the moment, to appreciate each feeling. Visual: express itself through visual verbs, nouns or expressions (what\'s your pox, how do you feel about it) Auditory: expresses itself through auditory words (sounds good, tell, listen) Kinaesthetic: feeling, touching (how do you feel about something) 7. CML Method ============= Let's analyze the dialogue in the movie Chocolat: **Customers Merchant** \- Don't trouble yourself \> It's no trouble \- Silly answer \> There are no silly answers \- You've obviously never met my husband \> You've obviously never tried these It is an excellent example of what in neurolinguistics is called the CML Method, **Calibration-Mirroring-Leading**, which is used to create a feeling, a shared mood, a mutual comfort zone, and a trusting relationship with the interlocutor. In some cases, this type of positive relationship, technically defined rapport, is established naturally, as a spontaneous harmony. When this doesn\'t happen, the CML method can help us. 3 steps: Calibration and Mirroring are the tools to build a positive interpersonal relationship. Without a careful calibration, we can\'t understand what and how to mirror. And without Mirroring, we will hardly be able to reach the rapport, and therefore switch to the Leading step. ##### CALIBRATION It is the study of the recipients, their models of knowledge, and the models they use to represent the world to themselves and others. It\'s carried out through observing and listening to the interlocutor: the images and the words they use, their physical and emotional manifestations. For [example], learning to calibrate our interlocutors\' representational system helps us understand how they receive, select and process information and how they think, make decisions, and act. Calibration is also essential in deciding what to mirror. It\'s the first step, the most important, and the most difficult one, precisely because it requires suspending judgment, which is almost unnatural. And this is, in fact, another crucial function it has: by requiring careful analysis, calibration teaches us to observe and listen, to check a lot of elements of other persons\' communication style (verbal, para-verbal, non-verbal), all without judging (or, more pragmatically, delaying the moment of judgment). Therefore, calibration helps us detect certain communication aspects of our interlocutors, before moving on to the mirroring step. ##### MIRRORING Once our interlocutor has been thoroughly calibrated, we can move on to the mirroring phase. It's not miming, but a technique to create a sense of belonging, of trust, of being on the same page, level, mood. Mirroring someone means entering their communicational sphere, seeing things from their point of view, knowing their feelings (not mandatory and often not useful to share them) and using their language, not only the verbal one (tone of voice, volume, speed, posture, gesture etc.). The Mirroring step - also called tuning, or pacing - is the \"reflecting\" step, by which we can reproduce the behavior of our interlocutors to help us connect with them more strongly. Being an attestation of similarity and sharing, it produces a sense of belonging and safety, a comfortable state of mind and soul. One of Mirroring\'s basic steps is, for example, the use of first names in a sentence or in a question. ( a) Do you like this pen? \> b) Sarah, do you like this pen?) Let's go back to the movie Chocolat. **Customers Merchant** \- Don't trouble yourself \> It's no trouble \- Silly answer \> There are no silly answers \- You've obviously never met my husband \> You've obviously never tried these The merchant offers us three mirroring gems. To the aseptic and quite rude Don\'t trouble yourself, for example, she answers with a sweet, gentle, empathetic It\'s no trouble. She could have thrown in a traditional \"Don\'t worry\". Instead, she goes beyond. The answer: It\'s no trouble is much more powerful because it reframes the situation more kindly, relocates it in another light, and changes the point of view. By using the exact wording of the clients, she puts herself on their side, creating Empathy and opening up toward leading. The same with the other two lines. In fact, once our interlocutor has been calibrated and mirrored, it\'s time to move on to leading. ##### LEADING It is the moment when we stop reproducing the interlocutors\' style and -- with sweetness, not all of a sudden - we start guiding them towards our goal. We can do it by gradually introducing a slightly different point of view in the conversation, bypassing resistances, and inviting the interlocutor to another level. The move to leading can be evident, managed on the verbal aspect, or subtler: a minor alteration of breathing, of the glance, of the tone of voice or of the behavior. The transition from mirroring to leading is fundamental and delicate. We must always remember that leading means guiding, bringing, walking together, pacing. Not pushing, not forcing, not compelling. It means moving together towards a common goal. we want to lead someone. The people that accept to be led by someone else: - respect - experience - trust - knowledge - age (we think + age = + knowledge) and gender can influence (stereotypes). Essentially, the CML Method is copy and paste and changing something to reverse the situation: **Calibration** is \"I study you\", **Mirroring** is \"I copy and paste a part of your style\", **Leading** is \"I change something\". Sometimes we do it naturally, beyond words. We can work on posture: if our interlocutors are a bit nestled, we can relax and convey trust by showing that we can stay like this. Or, if they talk slowly and we usually talk faster, it\'s better to slow down a bit; if they talk loudly and we whisper, better to turn up the volume in the first part and then bring it down. All of us, generally speaking, as we communicate (parents, doctors, nurses, managers, teachers, priests, politicians...) aim to lead our stakeholders (clients, students, employees, bosses, and so on). To apply our leadership, we must have already gained the trust of our interlocutors. The matter is always the sum of authority, prestige, reputation, Empathy and the ability to put ourselves in others\' shoes to engage them in ours. Mirroring and leading are 2 alternatives steps: or one or the other. Calibrate is to understand what to mirror; calibrate is always on: when I switch to the leading part, I'm still calibrate. When you are leading is very difficult to calibrate because ex. if you're speaking in public, it's not easy to understand if those people are really listening to you. You can calibrate by asking question ex. if you're the professor, you could ask some question to the class about what you're teaching. Immagine che contiene testo, Carattere, schermata, linea Descrizione generata automaticamente 8. The narrative model & resistances - Six characters for every tale ==================================================================== The **king** is desperate. Her daughter, the **princess**, was kidnapped by the villain. He is old, sick, tired, and unable to go and free her, and he doesn\'t have the energy or military strength to do so. Then he calls the **prince** of the near kingdom and makes this proposal to him: «Son, if, at the head of your troops and mine, you free my daughter, on your return, you\'ll be rewarded with my favorite horse, my golden sword, and the princess will be your wife and, when I die, you\'ll be king of my kingdom as well». The prince accepts immediately because he already **loves** the princess. He is, therefore, willing to do anything to free her: cross the desert, face the storm, beat the dragon, capture the villain, and eventually obtain a greater kingdom. In doing all this, the prince will meet some **allies** (people, things, conditions...) and also some **resistances** (same: people, things, conditions). ![](media/image4.png)The story is interesting if there's someone who help the prince and a resistance. Our task isn't to destroy the resistance, but to free the princess. 1. **King**: that one that gives you a task ex. parents, boos, client 2. **Prince**: accept the task; the more skilled he is, the easier he can solve the task 3. **Princess**: objective 4. **Love**: motivation 5. **Allies**: someone or some situation that can help the prince ex. his tasks, calibrations 6. **Resistances** 8.1 Studying our counterpart: human resistances to change --------------------------------------------------------- At work, during a negotiation, or a presentation, or around the meeting table, it\'s helpful to study the interlocutors in front of us and know how they\'ll be disposed towards what we are proposing: a change in the processes, in the business unit organization, in the role of some colleagues, or in the location of the workplace. How can we recognize resistance when we ask someone to change? How can we classify the types of resistance we are facing so that we can manage them with the appropriate logic and language? Identify/classify the behavior, not the person! 4 types of resistances: 1\) **collaborative**: this person seems to have all the resources, both rational and emotional, to collaborate. "I don't have the skills to do this job", "I've never done this before", "If I could just see it done once...": are the most frequently phrases. Often this resistance is manifested by people at the very start of their professional careers. They simply need information or explanations, of a rational-demonstrative communication, or just to be led by hand. They ask a lot of question, they are curious, insecure, they want to know a lot of things, new colleagues. They have the mental to participate and to help 2\) **I'd like but I can't**: rationally, these resistant people agree that change is necessary, but is unable to do it, even in small steps, usually due to emotional-behavioral obstacles. The resistance forms when, despite a sincere interest or desire to do something, they can't, or think they can't do a given thing, due to inadequacy, lack of self-confidence, fear, or a kind of inhibition. When they receive a task, they use excuses, they reject but not in an aggressive way. They would like to collaborate with you, but they don't have capacity. If you help them, they can become collaborative or allies 3\) **oppositional**: they disqualify, oppose directly, generally clearly, directly, blatantly, do not follow instructions or rules. Those who adopt this type of resistance don't listen at all, and can turn into an obstinate resistance, sometimes without rational justification. Reject in an aggressive way, they are the competitor that try to contrast your strategy. They say no, they are your enemy 4\) **neither collaborative nor opposition**: these people are mentally rigid and can't consider alternative realities. They may avoid a confrontation, because generally they have more power than we do, or know more about the topic in question (or think they do, but if they have more power, it's almost the same). Or they have situational power. And they find it impossible to alter their mindset and engage the other. They are evasive: in a group, when it's time to continue, they may not show up, justifying themselves incontestably, for apparently excellent motives. They rely on a solid logical structure, an ideological base. They don't collaborate, they don't ask, express their curiosity, but neither are aggressive, oppose to you. Sometimes I can receive a task from the king that I don't believe in I become the resistance We are not talking about people, but about behaviours. In a daily critical situation, calibrate, study your interlocutor: how they behave? If they're insecure, they aren't so strong, help them, without forcing them. ###### Six narrative functions even in corporate stories My boss (king) gave me (prince) the task of reaching a specific goal or solving a problem (princess), with respect for the reasons (economic and professional) that pushed me here. While doing this, I will apply my strategy, which is going through a series of phases and actions to achieve the goal or solve the problem. In doing this, I will count on colleagues, resources, skills, environment (allies) and I will have to face competitors, difficulties, crises, conflicts, troubles in production or in distribution or in pricing (resistances). Will everything go as planned? Very difficult. Just think of the two most common mistakes we can run into organizations: 1\) bring the wrong princess to the king (the king and the prince don\'t understand each other, or they don\'t agree) 2\) forget about the princess, focusing on numberless other aspects we meet along the way or consider more important. We waste time in conflicts or in avoiding conflicts\... and nobody cares about the princess anymore. It\'s a sad story, but it often happens. 8.2 The Negotiator ------------------ ![](media/image6.png) prince emotional mirroring moment. Omar is furious with his wife and intends to shoot his daughter; evidently, people's lives don't matter a lot to him Leading moment: it implies that yes, sometimes I love animals more, but sometimes I love human beings more. The negotiator is leading towards positive feelings 2° mirroring moment. there's a dog in the room, and who owns a dog often takes refuge in this love, in contrast to the disaffection for human beings social mirroring moment: dogs seem very happy when their owner reappears, even if his absence was brief. The negotiator wants to convince Omar to open the door, but he's using an hidden way: he tells a story about his happy family, he doesn't say it in a directly way he starts the sentence with a conduction. He doesn't use "but" or "no". He must match, join, not disjoin Danny tries to induce Omar to reduce the resistance, but something goes wrong allies: the dog because he helps to cover the sound of the officers when they come in mirroring resistance: type 1 at the end because he asks questions, type 3 the dialogue enters a negative semantic field: hate. In such a situation, hate can block the negotiation. Therefore, Danny makes a turnaround: he uses the world's most beautiful sentence and from there begins to reverse the situation it's an attempt to change Omar's mood: I can understand you because it happened to me too. Because after all, I'm like you love/hate. Danny takes a "mirroring-leading step". He builds the story, mitigating the pitbull's aggressiveness with the puddle's sweetness, mirrors the verb (hated) and, lastly, breaks the horizon with the leading step towards love Omar opposes the "mirroring process". He feels the drop in tension, abruptly interrupts it, raises his voice and orders the negotiator to stop. Did you check Omar's representational system? Danny did and immediately mirrors it princess Omar's sentence is characterized by a lot of violence, amplified by the gestures (he keeps a rifle pointed at his daughter!). Danny doesn't oppose this but, on the opposite, follows Omar and answers coherently ![](media/image8.png) resistance: I'd like but I can't resistance: oppositional The shot changes: the police officer, via radio, deems the negotiation failed; it's time to enter. Frost, the policeman who coordinates the operation, gives the OK to the colleagues who are ready to burst into. But Danny refuses and tries something else once again: he enters. Unarmed. ![](media/image10.png) Danny demonstrates his motivation, perfectly connecting words, tone of voice and a non-verbal message, and conveys his confidence to the others: he leads the situation. He disobeys and gives orders. The colleagues perceive his charisma. ![](media/image12.png) leading say yes in order to say no "just got word": it's not true that the wife is there, he's not part of the problem, he's not responsible of this truth/lie, they just told him that the wife is here, the wife is the key word leading without using the same word, it's a natural circle of sentence Danny uses the word but: he introduces a condition and changes the representational system from auditory to visual. Omar replies with an agreement. ![](media/image14.png) When Omar accepts the condition and opens the door, the movie director takes a close-up of the negotiator. Here's what we see: **Omar** **Danny** ------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------- white, Caucasian black is armed: carries a rifle is unarmed and with raised arms is dressed in a scruffy, untidy way wears a bulletproof vest; cured and clean face; smooth skin There are all sorts of differences, but Danny's paraverbal message shows cordiality: even if Danny knows Omar's wife isn't there and Omar will be shot as soon as possible, he looks at him with a smile that carries this sort of relaxing message. As soon as he enters, Danny looks around, searching for some elements he can mirror. One by one, the movie director shows us the dog, the house, the girl. It's a "situational mirroring". Danny uses this sentence, which is so trivially true, to reduce the resistance. Applying a principle of Milton H. Erickson's hypnotic technique, the negotiator tries to reach an agreement with Omar on one topic at least: if his barriers will loosen, the man will move towards the window and he will be shot Mirroring. Danny doesn't say: "No, I haven't finished", or "Wrong, I miss that room over there..." Passing in front of the TV, which is on, he notices the football match, and takes another situational "mirroring step". With football and Marines - called the Corps, par excellence - Danny hooks Omar, who, in fact, evokes a common context Danny mirrors the pride of Marines ![](media/image16.png) here Danny doesn't want to mirror: for this reason, he uses the word NO and the auditory representational system. He doesn't want to stimulate Omar's visual element: he could notice the shooters or the hints the negotiator gives them. Therefore, he begins to tell a joke, in order to keep his mind busy he's head and telling a story but in the same moment he's leading, mirroring and calibrate (to understand when is the moment for his colleagues to shoot). The last scene is a riot of paraverbal and nonverbal communication. Danny points the rifle at Omar, who finds himself lying on the floor, wounded. His nostrils are dilated, his jaw is stiff: he's grinding his teeth. Nate arrives, kneels. He needs to prevent Danny from shooting. With the left hand, he tries to take the rifle, but reconsiders it: he still hasn't a calm relation with Danny. He touches his back with the right arm, leans towards him, enters his visual field and only then reaches out for the rifle to make sure it gets lowered 9. Logical Levels \> World of Being, World of Doing =================================================== The big khauna The 1° closing keyword was "Jesus" who raised...? Why...? Logical level: skills -- behaviour -- environment why -- who -- whom words of doing beyond -- identity -- values what -- when -- where words of being It's different to say "you failed" and "you're a failure" With logical level I can understand where I'm with my counterpart and see if I have to adjust something. Why does «How do you do this?» sounds like an easy, respectful, harmless question, and «Why do you do this? Who are you to do this?» are potentially judging questions and therefore, uncomfortable and dangerous questions? What is the difference between «You\'ve done a stupid thing» and «You\'re stupid»? What significantly different feedback can we get saying, «Yesterday you\'ve acted superficially» instead of saying, «You\'re superficial»? To answer these questions, let\'s go and study a very effective tool to communicate in critical situations: the logical levels of thinking, learning and change. As described by the linguist Robert Dilts, this tool has its roots in the work of the anthropologist Gregory Bateson on learning and change. And, even before that, in the logical types of Bertrand Russell. ##### Logical Levels of learning & change + impact of trauma ![Immagine che contiene testo, linea, Carattere, diagramma Descrizione generata automaticamente](media/image18.png) Different Levels is actually inspired by the work of **Gregory Bateson** who was an anthropologist but also one of the major founders of modern systems theory. He had a concept of different levels of learning that were quite large, it was quite difficult to keep track of, so what I was doing was saying \"well what do you mean by learning what I\'m learning\". Basically what he was saying is that we know that we actually live in an environment, we are in this room, with these constraints and then all the activities that take place in our environment. So let\'s say it refers to where and when represents the most concrete part of our experience, the reason why you can see it in the video is that we are in a concrete environment. But when we learn to do something in that environment or to change our behavior in that environment, our environment shapes what we do. Let\'s say this is the level of this behavior. Our behavior is not just shaped by our behavior: the reason we are having this conversation is not simply to react to this environment, but it is because there is something inside us that we want to share and comment on. This has to do with the kind of skill levels and capabilities. Another way to describe it would be some kind of mental model that we\'re working on. We are bringing it through our behavior in this environment, so in this moment we are acting and interacting, but we know this because there is some kind of understanding, of ability that is not just cognitive. There is also an emotional and somatic process. There is a whole neural part that the whole body is connected to and that is shaped partly by what happens in our current environment, but also by memories of our past. So this level (how) begins to incorporate memory and what we have learned from our history. The next level is the values and joys that are part of our inner programming, but it is a different level than how we do something or what we have learned, it is a level of motivation, it is about why and this is what is important to us and what that we believe in. This is very different from having some sort of cognitive understanding, it\'s more than just thinking there\'s an emotion. There\'s a sense that it\'s a whole level of feeling and it\'s related to a different part of the brain than our higher kind of understanding. Values and beliefs: It\'s all about what is important to us, whether our beliefs are linked to our values. Then there is the level of identity which is who believes, who knows, who does, who experiences and this is something that goes beyond our belief. We often say that, given our sense of identity, certainly our beliefs can shape our identity, but our identity also shapes our beliefs: if I believe I am a strong, healthy, resilient person, then I will believe I can overcome certain things. I can transform things, I will learn some things easier than others. This type of identity level is critical in shaping what our beliefs end up being, what beliefs we hold, what beliefs we form, etc. We say there\'s a level beyond identity and it\'s very deep because this is this idea that we are also part of something bigger than ourselves. I know I am myself, that I am an independent person but I am part of a family: it is a very important place, something bigger than me where I belong. Some people have a strong sense of being part of something beyond their own identity. This is the foundation of what people would call spiritual experience, and by spiritual we don\'t necessarily mean religion, although religions tend to be based on spiritual experiences. Religions actually tend to be more about belief systems. Our reality is made up of all different levels. We find that by being able to get that sense, each of these levels can be both a resource, I can get support from my environment, I can do things that give me a greater sense of resourcefulness; or be a limitation so you can have a limiting environment, limiting behaviors. These will often also be linked to the way of thinking, my way of thinking can be resourceful and creative or it can be limiting, I can hold back, I can hold myself back. Each level is less concrete in a way, I can\'t see it, I can\'t touch my beliefs, it\'s not as concrete as my environment but it actually has a bigger impact on my behavior than even my environment does, and we know this is because two people can be in exactly the same environment and react completely differently. What happens is that when we say if I have a negative identity, I\'m going to be much more inclined to hold certain types of limiting beliefs. What happens when trauma impacts logical levels? Trauma starts in the environment and then that begins to shake, that makes an impact on how I look at the world (skills & cap.). That impacts what I believe that will even make an impact all the way up to who I am (identity), what's my place in the world. As child, you're forming a lot of "basic programming" that determinates what's possible to add, etc. This is what they call the operating system. So as a young child, you're not born with beliefs, you're not born with a lot of capabilities. Most of this is being shaped the first 4-6 years of your life. That's developing a lot of identity/values & beliefs levels stuff. Very often you're going to have these belief and identity-forming experiences and it's a bit like writing the operating system. I can learn ex. to add and subtract, speak a language, etc., but the deeper stuff which determinates how I feel that I am, what's meaningful, what's important, what I should do, that's all very much already in place (identity and values & beliefs). In that level is where the transformation happens and if you change here, it will transform everything lese (skill & cap., behaviour, environment). Our thoughts, and therefore our language, are structured in 6 levels, related to different areas of our personality: the world of doing and the world of being. Scrolling them from bottom to top, we find all our visible world in the area of doing. There is the where and when we act. There is what we do and how we do it. In the area of being there are our values, the reasons why we do things, there are our whys. There is our identity, the \"who we are\" and the beyond identity level, which is a kind of \"mission\" (in a social/spiritual way): for whom else what we do is helpful. According to Dilts, there is an elevator between the various levels, by which people move from one level to another. Upwards and downwards. At first sight, that\'s easy to understand: for [example], when we wear a suit and tie, we behave differently than when we wear jeans and a t-shirt. But let\'s go deeper: let\'s analyse the 6 levels, starting from the bottom and going up to the top. 1\) Basically, we know that we live in an environment with some constraints: the light, the sound, the limit of space and time; with all the activities that happen here and now, in our environment, which relates to where and when we do something. It\'s the most authentic part of our experience. 2\) But when we learn something new, we have a new behavior in that environment. So, our environment shapes what we do. That\'s what we do in a specific moment and place. 3\) Our behavior is not only shaped by the environment, but vice versa as well. And we don\'t have a conversation only because we\'re reacting to the environment; it\'s because there\'s something inside we want to share. So that has to do with the level of skills and capabilities: it\'s our knowledge, our expertise, the mental map from which we are taking the resources to behave in a certain way in a particular environment. This is how we do what we do. It\'s because there\'s some understanding, some skill. And the skills are not only cognitive; there\'s also an important emotional and somatic process, which is shaped partially by what happens in our ongoing environment, but also by the memories of our past. So, this level incorporates memory and what we\'ve learned from our history (family, friends, school, job...). 4\) The next level is made of values and beliefs, which are part of our inner personality, but it\'s different from how we do something or what we\'ve learned. It\'s a level of motivation, it\'s about why: what\'s important to us, what we believe and, if something happens in our environment here, what we do believe is its origin, what we do believe that\'s going to lead us to, what we do believe it means. This is very different from having some most profound understanding, and it\'s more than just thinking: there\'s emotion with it, it\'s a whole feeling level and it\'s literally related to different parts of the brain and our higher understanding. It\'s all about what\'s important to us: beliefs and values are strictly connected. 5\) Then there\'s this level of identity, which is who believes, who knows, who does, who experiences, and that is beyond our belief -- it\'s a very profound and delicate level: who I am, what I am about in this world. Given the sense of identity, our beliefs can certainly shape our identity, but our identity also shapes our beliefs: if I believe I am a strong, healthy, resilient person, then I\'m going to believe I can get through certain troubles (values/beliefs), I can transform things (values/beliefs), I\'m going to learn some things more easily than others (skills), I\'m going to do certain things (behavior). It is not very much so if I believe that, on an identity level, I\'m a victim, I\'m helpless, I\'m bad, I\'m guilty, I don\'t deserve things. So this identity level is the key to shaping our beliefs, which beliefs we keep, which ones we form, etc. Let\'s think of ourselves as computers: when we were children, a big part of our basic mental map was being shaped, and that early map would eventually influence whatever comes next. So we may call it our \"operating system\". We\'re not born with beliefs, we\'re not born with a lot of capabilities. We have some inborn things, but most of this is being shaped, especially in the first four to six years of our life (identity, values, beliefs) 6\) Finally, there is a beyond identity level, and this is the most profound level: the idea that we are also part of something bigger than ourselves. I know that I am me, I\'m an independent person, but I\'m part of a family, something bigger than me, to which I belong. I can also be part of a community, professional order, company, university, party, or sports team. Some people have this solid sense of being part of something beyond their own identity: I\'m part of a planet, I\'m part of the human race, I\'m part of something much bigger. This is often the foundation of what people call a spiritual experience, and by spiritual, we don\'t necessarily mean religion (even though religions tend to be perceived as spiritual experiences, they are more part of values and belief systems). ![Immagine che contiene testo, schermata, Carattere Descrizione generata automaticamente](media/image20.png) Now, watch the red and green arrow in the figure again: what do they show us? How to go up and down through the logical levels? Why and how and when to go upstairs, and why and how and when to go downstairs? Immagine che contiene testo, Carattere, schermata, linea Descrizione generata automaticamente If we aim to motivate people, the identity level is where the magic happens. If we can make a change at an identity level or at a values and beliefs level, then the skills and behaviors will follow coherently from there. If we can\'t, trying to change the skills and behaviors would be like trying to save the Titanic by rearranging the chairs on the deck. It\'s the wrong level of change. But if we aim to negotiate - that is what, in general, we should do in a critical situation - better to protect the world of being, in which it is straightforward to be perceived as rude, invasive, unrespectful, and therefore start an escalation. Better to stay in the world of doing, and insert the opportune change in environment, behaviors and skills. The Logical Levels are essential tools when training on negotiation. Mission, identity, values and beliefs are very intimate, something we have inside us and tend not to share. Companies do share it, making the mission explicit, with the vision, the values statement: but when we think of people, these are things that are inside us and, usually, very few people are allowed to enter our world of being, so much so that if someone unauthorized enters it, we run away, or we attack, we fight if there\'s no way out. It\'s an entirely different matter, instead, in the world of doing, that is exposed, visible: I\'m visible where and when I do something. The virtual line we can see between the two worlds becomes very important because it marks the boundary between a territory where we can dialogue and discuss about tangible things with others - doing, indeed - and a world, instead, that is invisible, where we need to move, among others, paying extreme attention. Therefore, we invite you, especially in certain situations, to cool things down, to bring the confrontation, the dialogue, into a territory that is easier to manage, which is connected to doing, remaining as far away as possible from the world of being, a pretty dangerous land. Maximum caution every time we approach someone\'s world of being, even with people very close to us. And also warning about the risk of generalizations. In the language of the agreement, one of the most important things that we need to pay attention to is, in fact, the difference between specific and general, between contextual and generic. In two words, between doing and being. ###### Exercise: Negotiate with your friend WHERE ON HOLIDAY? [Friend 1]: You are meeting with a friend of yours to decide where to go on holiday. You have to leave in 3 weeks so the time you narrow and options are shrinking. You arrived so late at the decision because you were undecided whether to break up with your partner or not and so you asked your friend to wait for you so you won't go on holiday alone. You broke up 2 days ago and feel really bad. All you want to do is to lose yourself in the Mountainside and take long walks and hike to relax and find yourself. You do not need crowded places or movida. [Friend 2]: You are meeting with a friend of yours to decide where to go on holiday. You have to leave in 3 weeks so the time you narrow and options are shrinking. You arrived so late at the decision because your friend was undecided whether to break up with his/her partner or not and so asked you to wait. Now he/she is free. You waited long for this well-deserved holiday. You had a terrible and intense working year with almost no time for yourself and your life. All you want to do is to spend a couple of weeks at the seaside in a location with a lot of movida and people to meet. You need to be light and free, meeting new people and enjoying the life you have no opportunity to enjoy during the year because of your hated work. They mirror each other. The conflict could be an opportunity to get to know another person better. Instead of "but" we can say "even if", "let\'s try something different", "let\'s see it from a different point of view". The problem wasn\'t asking questions about the person, asking \"why\" about things. If you believe in something, it\'s not sure if the person is really thinking about it, it\'s just your opinion. This can be a prison for our ability to negotiate. We tend to hide information fear of something. It is better to go down, reach the ambient level ex. "I\'m sad" instead of asking "why?" we can say "when did you start to be sad?" and then "why are you sad?". Disqualifying their culling is going beyond the lesson. Things to pay attention to when you listen to someone: - don't' judge - pay attention to no-verbal and paraverbal part - R\>RR\>RRR RRR\>RR\>R - hot words and key words - if they're most visual, auditory or kinaesthetic people don't categorize the person in general, but in a particular moment - CML tool - meaning of but: it's a dangerous word, it must be use very carefully. Instead of but we can use even though", "in my opinion", "on the other hand", "if we look it from another side" - narrative model - resistances - logical levels: we have to stay "downstairs" in a negotiation; we have to go "upstairs" when you have to show your level of conversation, but you have to be careful because it's a dangerous move 10. Resistances/Objections to Change ==================================== Why change is difficult? Why falling in love is a simple change? Because of sex, libido, hormones. we have to go out of our comfort zone we don't know how it's going to be fear of future we resist ourself we have to transform this in alliance importance of it Understanding the communicative message is closely related to the ability to decode the message; for this reason it seems particularly important to dedicate ample space to listening skills. ##### Barriers to listening We often listen through filters that operate within us, even unconsciously, and which threaten the success of listening. Some of these filters are: memories, images of the past and future, expectations, attitudes, physical environment, beliefs, values, interests, assumptions, feelings, past experiences and prejudices. Other **psychological barriers** to listening are closed-mindedness, the belief that speaking confers power, the disposition to listen only to what one wants, having opinions on the level

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