Communication in Relationships PDF

The Role of Communication in the Formation & Maintenance of Relationships Communication is one of most important factors for a well-functioning relationship, enabling us to share experiences, come to know ourselves and others, and form connections. If there is no communication, there is no relation...

The Role of Communication in the Formation & Maintenance of Relationships Communication is one of most important factors for a well-functioning relationship, enabling us to share experiences, come to know ourselves and others, and form connections. If there is no communication, there is no relationship. Communication can be seen as a centripetal force that maintains relationships-this suggests that relationships are destined to be pulled apart by centrifugal forces, unless they are maintained. Various communication factors influence the quality of a relationship. We will focus on how self-disclosure and communication styles influence relationship quality. Self Disclosure: For relationships to develop there must be an exchange of information. One of the most important processes in the formation of a close relationship is that of self-disclosure: the revealing of private and personal information about yourself with another person. Self-disclosure is a gradual process - people do not typically reveal their innermost thoughts and feelings at a first encounter. It is also a mutual process - both parties exchange intimate facts and feelings to each other. Altman & Taylor (1973) discuss this process of self-disclosure in their social penetration theory. The theory is so named because it describes the ways in which relationships grow increasingly more intimate by going more and more deeply into the private and personal life of a person. The general trend as relationships develop is for self-disclosure to become less superficial and more intimate – i.e. they increase in breadth by covering more areas, and in depth by covering more sensitive and important/personal details. Self‐disclosure usually moves in small steps and passes through a number of phases as an interpersonal relationship progresses: In the 1st stage people share only superficial information about themselves. (For eg, on a first date, most people and are unlikely to share their greatest fears and most damaging secrets or to reveal anything negative about themselves). In the 2nd stage, people share more than just superficial information and at this stage the personal opinions on moderate topics begin to emerge. In the 3rd stage people reveal some information about the private self or more intimate information. This stage reflects further commitment and a level of comfort. In the final stage, the most intimate information regarding deep personal thoughts, beliefs and values are disclosed. The onion model is a useful metaphor for describing how social penetration theory operates: Social penetration is seen as a process through which people “peel back” layers of personal information through interpersonal interaction to reach the core. The public image is the outer layer of a person that is visible to many others. The private self is the innermost layers of a person that are only revealed to significant others over time through disclosure. It takes time to reach a person’s “core self,” the most intimate details about another person. Self-disclosure builds trust and deepens mutual understanding. It also helps to take a relationship to the next level, and is usually done with the expectation of reciprocation, meaning that the partner will self-disclose also. While sharing too much too soon may overwhelm, gradual self-disclosure is essential for advancing a relationship. Collins and Miller (1994) carried out a meta-analysis of studies into self-disclosure and its role in maintaining relationships, particularly with reference to liking (and thereby attraction). The meta- analysis revealed the following: Those who disclose more are more liked than those who do not; People share more with those they already like; If people disclose information to someone, they tend to like that person more; Depth of disclosure impacts liking more than breadth of disclosure In addition, when Collins & Miller examined studies that had manipulated the intimacy of disclosure at low, medium and high levels, they found that the level of disclosure had a significant effect on liking: people who engage in intimate disclosures tend to be liked more than people who disclose at lower levels. Overall, their research highlighted the idea that people tend to prefer those who disclose more about their thoughts and feelings than those who disclose little about themselves. This supports the idea that disclosure could be important when it comes to establishing and maintaining a relationship. The meta-analysis by Collins & Miller included studies in which questionnaires were used as well as laboratory experiments. The triangulation of data and methods in this meta-analysis can enhance the validity of their findings as it allowed for the synthesis of a range of findings on self-disclosure and liking. However, a meta-analysis can only reveal broad patterns in self-disclosure rather than provide a cause-effect relationship. There are also well documented gender differences in self-disclosure: women self-disclose more than men, and women also disclose more to other women than men do to other men. Communication Styles: Research shows that communication style significantly impacts relationship stability and satisfaction. The Gottman Institute was founded by a husband-wife team who offer research-based relationship advice. They have studied married couples for over 30 years in what they call “The Love Lab” trying to understand patterns of communication between couples and the effects this has on their marriage. Gottman argues that it is not what we say, but how we say it. In addition, our facial expressions communicate how we really feel about our partners. From longitudinal analysis of thousands of couples through observation, questionnaires and interviews, they claim that they can predict relationship outcomes with up to 90% accuracy. Their predictions center around negative communication styles that they believe are the most destructive and biggest predictors of divorce and separation. Gottman has couples come into his lab and observes them as they discuss a non-threatening topic and then a controversial topic. He measures their physiological responses (heart rate and galvanic skin response) and also codes their facial expressions. He identified what he called the Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse that can be useful to predict if a relationship will end. Gottman states that it is not the presence of one or more of the four Horsemen but rather the frequency with which they are present in a relationship that is important. The Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse: 1. Criticism: Attacks on a partner's character, often phrased with 'you always' or 'you never,'. Criticism most commonly leads to defensiveness 2. Contempt: A sense of superiority shown through sarcasm, mocking, or disrespect. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless. It is the strongest predictor of divorce. 3. Defensiveness: A response to criticism, where the accused partner deflects blame and plays the victim so that their partner will back off. Sometimes, the partner not only responds defensively, but they reverse blame in an attempt to make it the other partner’s fault. 4. The fourth horseman is stonewalling, often as a response to contempt, where one partner shuts down and disengages. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, silent treatment, monosyllabic responses, changing the subject. Other research has supported Gottman’s idea that contempt and withdrawal patterns of communication, in particular, lead to marital dissatisfaction and can have negative consequences for a marriage. Gottman states that if couples argue and fight it might not necessarily be a bad thing, provided they can work and communicate to overcome their sources of conflict. What is worse than arguing and fighting is one partner withdrawing from the conflict and the issue never being resolved. Gottman’s Love Lab studies involve observations in a controlled setting which allowed for behavior to be observed and measured carefully. Even though it was conducted in a controlled environment, the lab was designed to be like a real-life retreat to allow couples to interact naturally. It has a benefit over self-report data and confirms the idea that studying what people say cannot be a replacement for studying how they behave with one another. An issue with Gottman’s research though is that most of the couples that come to him for help are already in severe crisis. This may mean that the high predictive validity of his research could have more to do with the fact that at least one of the partners may have already decided to end the relationship. There is also the problem of bidirectional ambiguity - we cannot tell if the communication style leads to the quality of the relationship or vice versa. It could be that there is a correlation, but no causation can be established. Finally, it is important to keep in mind that the way we communicate is only one facet of a relationship: it is reductionist to attribute the health of a relationship only on communication styles. Concluding Comments: Communication plays an important role in all types of relationships. It plays a role in what attracts us to someone, how we maintain a relationship, and is often cited as one of the key reasons that a relationship may change over time or even fall apart. Communication is not just what people communicate, but how and when they communicate it. The importance of self-disclosure in any relationship should not be underestimated. When we share intimate information about ourselves to others, we are showing that we trust them and that we are committed to the relationship. The study of communication has led to successful strategies in marriage counseling that have helped people to become more aware of how and what they say (or don't say).