Chapter 4 CCRT: Toxic Relationships PDF

CHAPTER 4 CCRT Toxic Relationships ''Refuse to be average. Let your heart soar as high as it will." by A. W. {Aiden Wilson) Tozer God commanded Adam and Eve, "but from the tree ofthe knowledge ofgo...

CHAPTER 4 CCRT Toxic Relationships ''Refuse to be average. Let your heart soar as high as it will." by A. W. {Aiden Wilson) Tozer God commanded Adam and Eve, "but from the tree ofthe knowledge ofgood and evil you shall not eat, for on the day, you eatfrom it you will surely die." Genesis 2:17 The garden was never intended to have control or dominion over man. Man was and is given power and control over the Earth. "When the woman saw, the tree was goodfor food, and it was a delight to the eyes, and the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her hus- band with her, and he ate." Genesis 3:6 Eve understood the fruit would become contaminated and toxic if she ate it but picked the fruit and ate it willingly. Next, she gave the toxic fruit to her husband, and he ate it willingly. Then and only then were their eyes opened. Together they completed the circle of a toxic relationship. Adam knew exactly what he was eating when Eve handed the fruit to him. All toxic relationships and events are self-evident. A drunk never walked into a bar and left surprised he was drunk. 41 CHRIST CENTERED REALITY THERAPY FOR THE 21 ST CENTURY Adam and Eve were the only couple who ever lived in absolute perfection in a rela- tionship. The loss of ultimate relationship perfection was devastating and deadly to man- kind. The first toxic relationship was born; it all started with their choice to be toxic. The dictionary defines "toxicity" as the degree to which a substance can damage an organism. The word "toxicity" may be also used metaphorically to describe toxic effects on a larger and more complex group, such as the family or the human race. A good definition of physical toxicity is the term sepsis, "Sepsis is the body's overwhelm- ing and life-threatening response to infection can lead to tissue damage, organfailure, and death." Toxicity always has very specific patterns of behavior. Utilizing Christ Centered Reality Therapy (CCRT) as the diagnostic tool for understanding toxic behaviors begins with the understanding each behavior has a RATE and FREQUENCY. All behavior, good or bad, in all humans universally have a RATE and FREQUENCY. The RATE is the quantity, size, accumulation, or amount. The FREQUENCY is the number of times a person does anything or how often it is done. Example: The rate is how much alcohol a person drinks and the frequency is how often the person drinks the alcohol. Toxic Rate and Frequency in Relationships: The rate is the amount of toxicity injected into the system (relationship). The frequency is how often the toxicity is injected into the system (relationship). The more concentrated a toxic behavior, and the more often the behavior occurs, the more venomous it is to the relationship. Toxic relationships are always septic and emotionally fatal. Real lty Key: Why you cannotfix a toxic person: 42  CHAPTER 4 CCRT Why? Ihere is a God, and you are not Him! You cannot fix anyone! The FIX is toxic thinking adapted by a normal victim! Over the course of 30 years of counseling, I have collected an abundance of individual statements exemplifying toxic thinking: ''If I was good enough, he/she would love me." ''If I were thinner/ smarterlfimnier, he/she would love me. " ''Ifmy children are always clean, neat and well behaved, everyone will believe I am a superior parent and will respect me." "If we pretend the abuse isn't happening, things will work out okay andpeople will see how great my family is. It is important to keep up appearanc- es." ''IfI avoid saying anything confrontational when my wife is drunk, then everything will be ok." "Ihe children need theirfather, so I just live with the abuse." One ofmy personalfavorites is, 'Tam waitingfar her to get out ofprison. It's not like she murdered anyone. She just embezzled $200,000from her employer. Besides, the children need their mother." Reality Key: Toxic people know they are toxic. The toxic person, man or woman first and foremost has a distorted self-image. They are unable to accept the truth about their flaws or faults. The toxic man or woman will always be nasty and dismissive; nothing is ever their fault. If they do accept any blame, it is always redirected back at you! Toxic People twist, manipulate, lie and bully their way through life and the closer you are to them the more the toxic effect. The toxic person listens in vain when you try to share your thoughts or feelings. You feel you are to blame for their lack of understanding. "If they only understood, surely they would change." The game the toxic person plays is to chronically and constantly change the topic of discussion. If the argument is over dirty dishes in the sink, it could end up about your wedding 30 years earlier and your mother too. They camouflage and conceal the real motives. Redirecting so it is always your fault, and they are always the victim. The toxic person's self-centeredness causes the person to be dead set against any or all change. Toxic abusers suffer from emotional injuries, and environmental control is one 43 CHRIST CENTERED REALITY THERAPY FOR THE 21 ST CENTURY of their abnormal compensations. Whatever the cause, the toxic person knows exactly how he or she behaves. They give themselves permission to abuse others. Toxic predators always announce who they are and why, 'My dad was an abusive A-hole, and I am too; it's just the way I am, and I don't plan to change." "She is just black and white, she was never loving, every decision is only logical after all,just the way she is!" "I am sure Reality Key: Relationship toxicity is as equally real as any substance addiction. Until you stop allowing a toxic person to hurt you, they will continue to do so. Why not? It's how they get their "FIX."The rate and frequency will intensify, and the abnormal will become normal to you the victim. You never outgrow being poisoned. "My father was a chronic and pervasive alcoholic. He was drunk every day. I can count the times on one hand he was sober in my childhood." Abnormal becomes normal and when the toxic predator acts normal in this case sober everyone notices. Toxic people are exceptionally skilled at training others to feel guilt and shame. Control is the prime motivation of a toxic person. When victims do not do what the toxic predator wants, emotional blackmail by guilt is one of the first tactics employed. They have a toolbox of toxic manipulation ready to employ. This strategy makes it particularly hard to set and maintain firm emotional and personal boundaries. Toxic pred- ators love relationships with people pleasers. At all costs they avoid other toxic people unless desperate, or it suits their purpose. The victim must be a willing recipient of the guilt for the toxic predator to be successful. Toxic people use normal common logic, or at least their version of logic. Their sub- jective, immature dialogue persists like a hammer; they are relentless. The toxic predator's personal attacks and immature exchange of ideas are designed to control. A principal tool they use is relentless raving. The verbal assault is like a smoke alarm going off in the house you cannot shut off. More than anything you just want the assault to stop so you can have peace, but it will never stop no matter how many times you tell the smoke detector to quit. 44  CHAPTER 4 CCRT The buzzing gets louder and louder. Even if the power is out the battery backup keeps it buzzing. The toxic predator will never engage in a logical rationale, intelligent dialog or debate. Why? They are abnormal and would lose every time. The toxic person is arguing their point from abnormality, NOT logic. They have no plan to be reasonable now or ever. Abnormality helps the toxic person get what they want. They utilize twisted emotional tactics until the victim has been emotionally raped. Trying to make the toxic person un- derstand by using reason and common sense, while defending yourself and your actions, is like arguing with a rock. "So why do I keep trying to argue and defend myself time after time and fall into the same emotional rape trap"? (Rule of 52) One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle goes on inside all people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all "One is Evil It is anger, envy,jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, se!f-pity, guilt, re- sentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. " "1he other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, em- pathy, generosity, truth, compassion andfaith." 1he grandson thought about itfor a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?" 1he old Cherokee simply replied, "1he one you feed." (Unknown) Reality Key: 1he characteristics ofthe toxic rape, emotionally unstable, abnormal relation- ship affect more than just interpersonal emotions and feelings. A severely unstable rela- tionship can distribute many affects and effects in the mind, body and spirit. The physical, mental, and spiritual trauma a physical rape victim experiences and the effects of the toxic rape on the relationship victim are virtually identical. Rape victims experience hurt, anger, shame, guilt, and fear long after the actual rape. The hurt stems from the inability to understand what would motivate someone to commit 45 CHRIST CENTERED REALITY THERAPY FOR THE 21 ST CENTURY such a violating, vicious attack. Rape victims ask, "What did I do? What would make the monster want to hurt me?"The anger, guilt and fear turn the pain inward, toward abnor- mal reality, instead of outward. Reality Key Question: Why do we keep arguing with the toxic person and doing the same thing over and over again? Reality Key Answer: We do it because we are infected with toxins. Now imagine if the victim was brutally raped over and over each and every day! This assault is what toxic victims experience. They are emotionally devastated repeatedly. The abnormal is a cancer infecting the victim and warps the mind into a false state of reality. All physical rape is toxic abusive. The perpetrator injects toxic venom into the victim changing the victim's life forever. The most toxic vile and vicious rape is between individ- uals who are in an ongoing relationship i.e., parent child. The results of the toxic actions are pervasive and chronic. For all victims, fear is the most caustic feeling experienced, closely followed by shame and guilt. The victim's emotional devastation and toxic effect is evidenced by the reality of the experience. The closer the victim knows the assailant (rapist), the greater the victim's dev- astat~on. A well-documented fact is when a victim is raped by a friend, relative or acquain- tance this will destroy trust and the ability to form mindful future relationships. Real lty Key: Do not confuse normal family and life conflicts with those which are toxic. There is a real and distinct difference between healthy interpersonal relationships which deal with life's difficulties and toxic abnormal relationships. All abnormal relationships are in a constant state of chaos, crisis and drama. Normal people cannot control or manage abnormal relationships. It is like trying to herd cats. A 46  CHAPTER 4 CCRT normal interpersonal relationship is complicated at best. Normal relationships become a vigorous healthy relationship despite the normal course of ups and downs faced by each person. The abnormal, toxic, unhealthy relationship goes way beyond being complex and cannot become healthy. CCRT Reality Key: Abnormal reality lacks the ability to maintain a stable emotional envi- ronment. (To identify a toxic relationship as normal would be like calling rape a healthy sexual relationship.) The following is a true story from my counseling files. The names, dates and story have been altered to protect the victim! '1 had known him for a few months before we got married Looking back now, I wish there was something I could do to turn back time. One month after we were married, he beat me for the first time, and later that night, he raped me. This abusive behavior continued for months, even after we discovered I was preg- nant. During my fourth month, the rape and beating were so violent the baby was miscarried I know he did it on purpose because he did not want to share me with a baby. I was in surgery for 14 hours. My abdomen and vagina are a total loss. Only reconstructive surgery allows me to function. I made up my mind that night to leave. I knew that he would kill me eventually. Three months after losing the baby, with the help of my church Sunday school class and my counselor, I packed up a truck while he was at work and drove away without telling him. I left divorce pa- pers on the table. It's now six months later, and I'm living 2000 milesfrom him, but I still sleep with a night light and television on. I still have nightmares about him, but I know I am safe." From my.file notes: the man (toxic abuser) is now on his fourth marriage and according to him all 3 women who left him were BITCHES and got what they deserved! The RATE is the quantity, size, accumulation, or amount. The FREQUENCY is the number of times you do anything or how often it is done. A miracle is a onetime supernatural event such as Moses parting the Red Sea. A pat- tern is an event repeated and can always be measured. Then all patterns can be measured by the Rate and Frequency. 47 CHRIST CENTERED REALITY THERAPY FOR THE 21 ST CENTURY In psychobabble we call these things habits. Habits are broken into two groups: 1st human need (going to the bathroom is both a habit and a need.) Most people have regular bathroom times and places thus a rate and a frequency. 2nd Habits can be composed of choices such as smoking, drinking, sex, dancing, drugs or when to lie, cheat and steal. Choice habits are not all bad and always begin as needs. 48  CHAPTER 4 CCRT CHAPTER 4 CCRT - THE TOXIC PREDATOR Study guide questions: In a formal written format answer the following questions in one to three paragraphs. Write in complete thoughts and ideas. Each and every question must be answered in complete sentences with supportive inductive logic. 1. Qyestion: List 5-10 long term habits you individually consider positive. 2. Qyestion: List 5-10 long term habits you individually consider negative. 3. Qyestion: List 5-10 long term habits you constantly have to make excuses for or hide or justify. (Biting your nails, telling people to shut up, being grumpy all the time, sarcasm, overworked and underpaid) we have a tendency to ignore the details in life which comprise most of our life events. Habits are forged by need and end up as long­ term habits. Make a list of both good and bad habits. 4. Qyestion: Is fixing a toxic person possible? Do not just argue your question theolog­ ically!! What practical steps would you have to take to heal a toxic person? 5. Q,!lestion: Do Toxic people know they are toxic and why? 6. Question: What are the characteristics of the toxic rape? Research and discuss in detail the construct of rape victims including the stigma, psychological impact, and long-term effect of rape. Does age make a difference in the victim? Research the rela­ tionship of the victim to the rapist to include in your discussion. 7. The primary question: Is raping a good definition for the toxic effects of a toxic rela­ tionship? (Define and explain your position clearly) 49