Why Men Love Bitches PDF

Praise for Sherry Argov’s OceanofPDF.com WHY MEN LOVE Bitches® “No one’s ever written a relationship book like this one. This book takes satire to a whole new level. It’s not only funny, it’s very real. It is ful of ‘slice of life humor’ that covers everything that frustrates women about men.” —BELINDA FOSTER, producer of the Girls of the Comedy Store at the World Famous Comedy Store “Her sassy book is fil ed with scenarios and advice aimed at making women subtly stronger and self-empowered. The book, which has already been featured on The View and The O’Reilly Factor, should make waves with its controversial view of relationships.” — Publishers Weekly “Wow! I am impressed... the information is clear and necessary My hat is off...” —RAYE HOLLITT, actress and star of American Gladiators; also appeared on Baywatch and JAG “Hysterical y funny, irresistible, and very saucy!!!” —LORIN ROCHE, Ph.D., author, Meditation Made Easy “There is so much insightful information for women presented in a way that real y feels good so women can ‘get it.’ The humor real y sets this book apart because it makes the message palatable. It’s the spoonful of sugar that makes the medicine go down.” —PEGGY G. MILLER, MFT, psychotherapist “Smart, witty, and right on. A must-read for any woman who wants to capture her man’s interest.” —Judy Mazel, author of the #1 New York Times bestseler The Beverly Hills Diet WHY MEN LOVE Bitches® OceanofPDF.com Sherry Argov Copyright ©2004, 2002, 2000, Sherry Argov. Al rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews. Why Men Love Bitches is a registered trademark of Sherry Argov. Published by Adams Media, an F+W Publications Company 57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322 U.S.A. www.adamsmedia.com ISBN 13: 978-1-58062-756-6 ISBN 10: 1-58062-756-0 Printed in the United States. TSR Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Argov, Sherry. Why men love bitches / Sherry Argov. p. cm. ISBN 1-58062-756-0 1. Mate selection. 2. Single women—Life skil s guides. 3. Self-esteem in women. 4. Dating (Social customs) 5. Man-woman relationships. I. Title. HQ801.A724 2002 646.7'7--dc21 2002009981 This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought. —From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations Many of the designations used by manufacturers and selers to distinguish their products are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed in initial capital letters. This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases. For information, call 1-800-289-0963. Dedication I dedicate this book to my mother and father. CONTENTS Acknowledgments xi Introduction xiii 1 FROM DOORMAT TO Dreamgirl Act Like a Prize and You’ll Turn Him into a Believer 1 Meet the Nice Girl 2 She Has That “Je Ne Sais Quoi” 18 Meet the “New and Improved” Bitch 20 2 WHY MEN Prefer BITCHES Cracking the Code: What Every Nice Girl Needs to Know 25 The Thril of the Chase 26 The Mama/Ho Complex 37 The No Cage Rule 42 The Power of Choice 47 3 THE Candy STORE How to Make the Most of Your Feminine and Sexual Powers 53 One Jujube at a Time 54 A Sweeter Victory 58 The Jujube Instal ment Plan 64 The Sweet Spot 68 4 Dumb LIKE A FOX How to Convince Him He’s in Control While You Run the Show 75 The Dumb Fox Handles His Ego with Kid Gloves 76 The Dumb Fox Is a Clever Negotiator 89 The Dumb Fox Is More Mysterious 95 The Dumb Fox Is True To Herself 97 5 JUMPING THROUGH Hoops LIKE A CIRCUS POODLE When Women Give Themselves Away and Become Needy 101 A New School: Who Is the Boss of You? 102 From Sappy to Sassy 111 Basic Bitch 101 116 6 NAGGING No MORE What to Do When He Takes You for Granted and Nagging Doesn’t Work 125 A Lover or a Mother? 126 Rx: Treat Him Like a Friend 132 “Show” Is Better Than “Tel ” 144 7 THE OTHER TEAM’S Secret “PLAYBOOK” Things You Suspected but Never Heard Him Say 149 What Men Think about How Women Communicate 150 The Top... Fifteen Signs That a Woman Is Needy 152 Fifteen Reasons Men “Play It Cool” 156 Fifteen Male Views on Keeping the Romance Alive 160 Fifteen Things That Turn Men Off 163 Fifteen Reasons Men Prefer a Feisty Woman 166 Ten Ways to Tel Whether a Man Is in Love 169 8 KEEPING YOUR Pink SLIP The Reasons That Holding Your Own Financially Gives You Power 173 Financial Independence: Who Has the Title on You? 174 Dol ars and No Sense 185 9 HOW TO Renew THE MENTAL CHALLENGE How to Regain That “Spark” 195 Step #1: Instead of Asking Him to Focus on You, Focus on Yourself 196 Step #2: Alter the Routine 199 Step #3: Regain Your Sense of Humor 209 10 THE New AND Improved BITCH The Survival Guide For Women Who Are Too Nice 213 The Bitch Stands Her Ground 214 The Bitch Is Never Ful y Conquered 217 The Bitch Is Defined from Within 221 The Bitch Has a Strong Wil and Faith in Herself 226 Appendix SHERRY'S Attraction PRINCIPLES 229 INDEX 249 Acknowledgements First and foremost, I’d like to thank and acknowledge my parents, Aby and Judy Argov, the two most special people in my life. Special thanks to Gary M. Krebs, Publishing Director at Adams Media Corporation, for his immediate and continued support of this project and invaluable creative direction. It is an honor working with him. I would also like to thank Bob Adams for having a publishing house with such a great team. A special thanks goes out to Publicity Director Carrie (Lewis) McGraw, Assistant Editor Kate Epstein, Copy Chief Laura MacLaughlin, and Art Director Paul Beatrice, for his creative vision and beautiful cover design. I would realy like to thank Daria Perreault, Manager of Design and Technology, for her creative talent and for truly going the extra mile. Special thanks to Elen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, coauthors of The Rules, for their endorsement, vote of confidence, and for cohosting “Dating Dilemmas” with me. I would also like to thank the other people who offered their endorsements: Belinda Foster, Don Gibb, Wings Hauser, Raye Holitt, Peggy G. Miler, Lorin Roche, and Lynn Sterba. I would like to thank everyone at KRLA and KLSX for the opportunity to be on the air. I’d like to thank Senior Editor of the Palisadian-Post, Bil Bruns, who gave me the opportunity to write for the paper, and for the time he spent mentoring me. I’d like to thank my photographer Jeff Hyman for his kindness, which wil always be remembered; Daniel Dydzak, for being a great attorney and a great friend; Judy Mazel and Mike Cohn for helping me get started in the publishing business; and Joel and Charlotte Parker of Parker PR for believing in this book since the conception of the idea. Thanks also to Christopher Napolitano, Senior Editor of Playboy Enterprises, for giving me my first interview and the opportunity to have the book featured in the magazine. Special thanks to everyone who contributed stories and shared their experiences for this book. A special thanks to my close friend Susanne Nissen, who listened and laughed through each chapter while running up her long-distance phone bil. Would also like to mention Ben and Bryn Argov and congratulate them on their new arrival, as wel as a little thank you to my cat Tigger. Last but not least, I’d like to thank the special man in my life for his continued support, and for always making me smile. Introduction Why Men Love Bitches is a relationship guide for women who are “too nice.” The word bitch in the title does not take itself too seriously— I’m using the word in a tongue-in-cheek way representative of the humorous tone of this book. The title and the content address what many women think, but don’t say. Every woman has felt embarrassed by appearing too needy with a man. Every woman has had a man pursue her, only to lose interest the minute she gave in. Every woman knows what it feels like to be taken for granted. These problems are common to most women, married and single alike. So why do men love bitches? An important distinction should be made between the pejorative way the word is usualy used, and the way it is used here. Certainly, I’m not recommending that a woman have an abrasive disposition. The bitch I’m talking about is not the “bitch on wheels” or the mean-spirited character that Joan Colins played on Dynasty. Nor is it the classic “office bitch” who is hated by everyone at work. The woman I’m describing is kind yet strong. She has a strength that is ever so subtle. She doesn’t give up her life, and she won’t chase a man. She won’t let a man think he has a 100 percent “hold” on her. And she’l stand up for herself when he steps over the line. She knows what she wants but won’t compromise herself to get it. But she’s feminine, like a “Steel Magnolia”—flowery on the outside and steel on the inside. She uses this very femininity to her own advantage. It isn’t that she takes undue advantage of men, because she plays fair. She has one thing the nice girl doesn’t: a presence of mind because she isn’t swept away by a romantic fantasy. This presence of mind enables her to wield her power when it is necessary. In addition, she has the ability to remain cool under pressure. Whereas a woman who is “too nice” gives and gives until she is depleted, the woman with presence of mind knows when to pul back. Among the hundreds of interviews I conducted with men for the book, over 90 percent laughed and agreed with the title within the first thirty seconds. Some men chuckled as though their best-kept secret had just been revealed. “Men need a mental chalenge,” they said. Time and time again, this was the recurrent theme. The men I interviewed al phrased it slightly differently, but the message didn’t change. “Men like it when a woman has a bit of an edge to her,” they said. Two things became clear across the board: First, they would regularly use the phrase mental challenge to describe a woman who didn’t appear needy. And second, the word bitch was synonymous with their concept of mental challenge. And this characteristic, above al, they found attractive. When I used the phrase mental challenge with men, it was immediately clear to them the quality I meant. On the other hand, when I interviewed hundreds of women, rarely did they understand the same phrase. They often related the phrase to inteligence, rather than to neediness. It wasn’t just that my hunch was confirmed by these interviews; they also strengthened my sense of purpose. I thought that anything this obvious to men should not be kept a secret from women. This book addresses the very issues that men won’t. He won’t say, “Look, don’t be a doormat,” “Don’t always say yes,” “Don’t revolve your whole world around me.” This book is necessary because these are things a man will not spell out for his partner. In the chapters that folow, you’l find one message coming through loud and clear: Success in love isn’t about looks; it’s about attitude. The media would have us believe differently. A teenage girl picks up a magazine and reads: “Get that boy’s attention” with an item of clothing, or a certain look. “This nail color or lipstick wil wow him,” the magazine assures her. And what does the girl learn? How to obsess over someone else’s approval. Then there is the issue of how the media treats aging. The teenage woman evolves into a twenty-something woman with confidence, and the media bombards her with negative images of aging. The message here is: Two wrinkles and a stretch mark, and she’s “marked down” like last season’s merchandise that’s sold at half price. And what does she learn? How to obsess over someone else’s disapproval. So what’s the message of this book? It’s that a bit of irreverence is necessary to have any self-esteem at al. Not irreverence for people, but rather, for what other people think. The bitch is an empowered woman who derives tremendous strength from the ability to be an independent thinker, particularly in a world that stil teaches women how to be self-abnegating. This woman doesn’t live someone else’s standards, only her own. This is the woman who plays by her own rules, who has a feeling of confidence, freedom, and empowerment. And it’s this feeling that I hope women wil glean from reading this book. The woman who has a positive experience with men possesses the ever-so- subtle qualities I discuss in this book: a sense of humor and an aura that conveys, “I’m driving the train here. I’l tel you where we get on and where we get off.” This woman has that presence of mind to do what is in her best interest and an attitude that says she doesn’t need to be there. She is there by choice. The bitchy women who are so loved by men give off a devil-may-care quality and, yes, have that “edge.” This is that same edge, coincidentaly, that men say they find so magnetic. The difference is this woman isn’t looking for it outside herself; it is a special quality she carries within. Note: Throughout this book, some names have been changed at the request of those interviewed. 1 FROM DOORMAT TO Dreamgirl Act Like a Prize and You’ll Turn OceanofPDF.com Him into a Believer “Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got, and 50% what people think you’ve got.” —SOPHIA LOREN OceanofPDF.com Meet the Nice Girl Everyone has known a “nice girl.” She is the woman who wil overcompensate, giving everything to a man she barely knows, without him having to invest much in the relationship. She’s the woman who gives blindly because she wants so much for her attentions to be reciprocated. She’s the woman who goes along with what she thinks her man wil like or want because she wants to keep the relationship at al costs. Every woman, at some point, has been there. Certainly, the average fashion magazine gives women ridiculous relationship advice that makes it easy to understand why women are so eager to overcompensate: “Play hard to get, then cook him a four-course meal... bake him Valentine’s cookies with exotic sprinkles shipped from Malaysia (just like Martha Stewart). Don’t forget the little doilies and the organic strawberries that you drove two hours to get. Then serve it al to him on the second date, wearing a black lace nightie.” And what is this a recipe for? Disaster. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #1 Anything a person chases in life runs away. Especialy when it comes to dealing with a man. With one caveat: If you chase him in a black nightie, first he’l have sex with you... and then he’l run. Why does a man run from a situation like this one? He runs because the woman’s behavior doesn’t suggest that she places a high value on herself. The relationship is new, and the bond between them is relatively shalow. Yet she’s already dealt him her best card. The fact that she is wiling to overcompensate to a virtual stranger immediately suggests one of two things. He’l either assume she is desperate, or he’l assume she is wiling to sleep with al men right away. Or both. What gets lost is his appreciation for her extra effort. Once a man begins to lose respect for a woman because she is wiling to subtly devalue herself, he wil also lose the desire to get closer to her. Nightie or no nightie. A dreamgirl, on the other hand, won’t kil herself to impress anyone. This is why the woman he realy fals in love with doesn’t serve a four-course meal. And you won’t see her breaking out the fancy china, either. She’l start out cooking him a one-course meal. (Popcorn.) No fancy doilies. A Tupperware bowl does the trick. She simply asks her guest, “Hey, do you want the bag or the bowl?” Six months later, the same woman throws together a meal and puts down a hot plate in front of him. And what does he say to himself? “Man! I’m special!” It doesn’t matter if it is pasta with Ragu topped by a meat-bal you picked up at the corner deli. He’l say, “This is the best pasta I have ever had in my life!” Now he feels like a king. And the only difference is the amount of time and effort he had to invest, first. He didn’t get it al right up front and he appreciated it more. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #2 The women who have the men climbing the walls for them aren’t always exceptional. Often, they are the ones who don’t OceanofPDF.com appear to care that much. This isn’t about how to play a game or how to manipulate someone. This is about whether you are genuinely needy, or whether you can genuinely show him that you’l be an equal partner in the relationship. It’s about whether you are capable of holding your own in a relationship. What would happen if you let him know from day one that you are wiling to bend over backward? He’d think you’re desperate, and he’d want to see just how far you’d be wiling to bend. It is human nature. He’d immediately start to test the waters. The more maleable you’d become, the more he’d expect you to bend. He’l instantly perceive you as a Duracel battery, as in, “Just how far wil she go? How much can I get out of her?” Nice girls need to know what a bitch understands. Overcompensating or being too eager to please wil lessen a man’s respect; it wil give the kiss of death to his attraction, and it wil put a time limit on the relationship. Most men don’t perceive a woman who jumps through hoops as someone who offers a mental chalenge. Inteligent women make the mistake of assuming that if they hold a higher degree, they can hold their own in a political debate, and they have a good understanding of mid-caps, they offer a man mental stimulation during dinner. But the mental chalenge has little to do with conversation. (Granted, if she thinks that Al Green and Alan Greenspan are the same person, then Houston? We have a problem.) In general, the mental chalenge has to do with whether you expect to be respected. It has to do with how you relate to him. It has to do with whether he knows that you aren’t afraid to be without him. The nice girl makes the mistake of being available al the time. “I don’t want to play games,” she says. So, she lets him see how afraid she is to be without him and he soon comes to feel as though he has a 100 percent hold on her. This is often the point when women begin to complain: “He doesn’t make enough time for me. He isn’t as romantic as he used to be.” A bitch is more selective about her availability. She’s available sometimes; other times she’s not. But she’s nice. Nice enough, that is, to consider his preferences for when he’d like to see her so that she can sometimes accommodate them. Translation? No 100 percent hold. What about the woman who wil drop everything and drive to see a man? The man also knows he has a 100 percent hold on her. After a couple of dates, he goes out with the boys, comes in at midnight, cals her, and off she goes to see him. When a woman drives to see a man in the middle of the night, the only thing missing is a neon sign on the roof of her car that says WE DELIVER. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #3 A woman is perceived as offering a mental challenge to the degree that a man doesn’t feel he has a 100 percent hold on her. Your time with him is teling. The nice girl sits in a chair after a week of knowing the guy, bored out of her mind as he does something that interests him. He may be watching sports on TV, cleaning his fishing gear, strumming his guitar, or working on his car. She is miserable but doesn’t say a peep. Instead, she tries to make the best of it and twiddles her thumbs politely, just so she can be in his company. The bitch, on the other hand, makes plenty of peeps. In fact, she is bitching the whole way through. This is not a bad thing, because then he knows he can’t walk al over her. But remember, a mental chalenge has little to do with being verbaly combative. It has to do with your actions and how much of yourself you are wiling to give up. For example, he says he likes blondes. You have dark skin, dark eyes, and black hair. The next time he sees you, you’ve bleached your hair and dyed your eyebrows to match. Translation? He’l sense he has a 100 percent hold on you. “A man’s love comes from his stomach,” they say. That’s true, but no one said to slave for six hours to feed him. Whether he eats out or you order take-out, the stomach is ful, and there is plenty of love to go around. Rule of thumb: If it is warm, he’l eat it. The rest is wasted effort. Women are conditioned to give themselves away. I have yet to see a men’s magazine with an article on how to cook a woman a four-course meal. The closest they ever come to a recipe is in the bodybuilder section, when they tel guys to mix up a few egg whites with some wheat germ. I raise the issue of cooking because it’s one of many ways that women overcompensate. This doesn’t mean you should forgo cooking altogether. Perhaps it’s your anniversary, and you’ve been together a whole year. Perhaps it is his birthday, and you want to do something special for him. On a special occasion, and after he has earned it, cooking him a meal is a nice “treat.” But it isn’t a treat if you give it to him right off the bat. Since this is a book for women, I would be remiss if I didn’t include some recipes for those first weeks in a relationship. And, unlike Martha Stewart’s recipes, the folowing are easy to remember. You don’t even need recipe cards. OceanofPDF.com Appetizer Popcorn à la Carte I recommend popcorn for its convenience and quick preparation time. First, place the bag in the microwave. When al the kernels have popped, remove the popcorn from the microwave carefuly, because it wil be very hot. Be sure to wear a cooking mitt, an apron, and a spatula to assist in the removal of the popcorn from the microwave. This wil not only impress your guest, it wil also make it look like you realy know what you’re doing. If you find that the popcorn is burned, notice where it is burned. If it’s black at the top, dump out the black part and salvage the rest by pouring it into a bowl. Serve the yelow part to your guest, and then adjust the time when you make a new bag for yourself. Serves: one and a half. (Good enough.) Main Course OceanofPDF.com Gourmet Delicate Dippings Bring a pot of water to a boil, and plop in two wieners. Cook them for five minutes so the wieners are tough or slightly al dente. Pour your guest a refreshing beverage (Kool-Aid). Then send him onto your balcony so he can enjoy the lovely view—as ambience is everything. When he isn’t looking, slice and dice the little wieners and stick a toothpick into each piece. Like Martha, you can truly express your creativity with a wide assortment of different colored toothpicks. Now serve the little weiners with two “delicate dipping” sauces, served side by side: ketchup and mustard. And never refer to them as weiner slices, always refer to them as “Gourmet Delicate Dippings.” Now for dessert: a jely rol (Hostess) served with coffee (instant). And an after-dinner mint always makes a classy finishing touch. I recommend peppermint, spearmint, or Trident. You’l know dinner was a smashing success when he insists on taking you out to eat next time. Never again wil you hear him utter the words, “Hey, what’s for dinner?” If, after some time, he ever slips and asks you to cook, simply offer to make your specialty: popcorn, wieners, and a jely rol, with coffee and Kool-Aid to help wash it down. Then start getting ready because you’l have reservations within the hour. The bitch is not the woman who wil sit at home and work overtime to refine her “man-catching” skils. Al she feels she has to do in the beginning is focus on being good company. This is more than enough until he earns the “cat-bird seat” at the top of the yacht. In the beginning, pay close attention and take note of the folowing: If he’s unwiling to lift a finger during the courtship, he is showing you right up front that he has nothing to offer you in the future. This behavior has nothing to do with your worth. It has everything to do with what he has to offer. And it also has to do with how you present yourself. Are you working overtime? If he has a lot to offer but you don’t alow him to come your way, he’l have no other option but to back off. When a nice girl overcompensates, her behavior says, “What I have to offer isn’t enough, and who I am isn’t enough.” The bitch, on the other hand, gives a very different message. “Who I am is enough. Take it or leave it.” And now, a comparison: “I'M ENOUGH. “I AM NOT ENOUGH.” VS. OceanofPDF.com TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.” She cal s him often and says, She gets back to him when “Please return my cal.” she’s free. She is on cal like a rookie She sees him when it is flight attendant. convenient for her. She goes out to have fun She makes it obvious a and doesn’t make relationship is her goal before promises to a virtual she knows much about him. stranger. When he cal s her, he is When he does cal her, she is curious where she is, and mad he didn’t cal sooner. why she’s not there. He’l pick her up or happily She often drives. go out of his way. He has no clue where the She asks, “Where’s our relationship is going, and relationship going?” she leaves it like that. She talks about having She can’t remember his babies. last name. He brings up the ex; she She asks him about the “ex.” looks at her watch. ONE = DOORMAT THE OTHER = DREAMGIRL The foundation is laid from day one. From the very beginning, he consciously (yes, consciously) tries to figure out what the parameters are and how much he can get away with. Phone etiquette is also teling. Do you wait to hear from him before you make plans? Do you get bent out of shape if he doesn’t cal, check in, or show up as expected? If so, you are not giving him a lesson in punctuality. What you are doing is showing him he has a 100 percent hold on you, which isn’t a good message to give someone you’ve just met. It’s a fact that most men deliberately don’t cal, just to see how you’ll respond. When a woman is upset, she is easy to read. And a man can easily gauge how much a woman wants or needs the relationship by simply puling back a little bit. So forget al those other theories from magazines about why men don’t cal. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #4 Sometimes a man deliberately won’t call, just to see how you’ll respond. It is human nature for a man to test the waters to see how much he can get away with. You see it in the behavior of children and even in the behavior of pets. It’s par for the course. Puling back is also something men do to gain reassurance. No man is going to say, “Honey, I need reassurance about where I stand with you.” Instead he’l pul back to see how you’l react. When you react emotionaly, it gives him a feeling of control. And if you react emotionaly frequently, over time he wil come to see you as less of a mental chalenge. If he can’t predict how you’l always react, you remain a chalenge. It also gives him something he absolutely needs: the freedom to breathe. If you don’t hear from him for a little longer than usual, show him that you have absolutely no “attitude” about it. This behavior wil make him a little unsure about whether you miss him (i.e., “need him”) when he isn’t around. It gives him a reason to come your way because he won’t perceive you as needy. Try not to say things such as “Why haven’t you caled me?” or “Why haven’t I heard from you in a week?” If you act as though you haven’t even noticed (because time flies when you’re having fun), he wil come your way. Why? Because he doesn’t feel as though he has a 100 percent hold on you. A top teen magazine recently gave women the folowing bad advice. They said to slip notes in unexpected places like his backpack or locker, or to “write a poem and slip it under his windshield wiper.” As if this wasn’t enough to give his attraction the kiss of death... Wait, it gets better. In addition, they advised catching him off guard by “having a pizza delivered.” Okay. Put it al together and what do you get? A magic recipe for convincing him you are a stalker. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #5 If you start out dependent, it turns him off. But if it is something he can’t have, it becomes more of a challenge for him to get it. Again, it isn’t about learning how to play a game. It’s about understanding human nature and behaving accordingly A man wil always want what he can’t have. When a man meets a woman and she seems nonchalant, it becomes a chalenge for him to win her affections. Or, if he tries to get a woman to react in an insecure way but she holds herself with a level of dignity and pride, suddenly the dynamic changes. The same guy who was gunshy of relationships becomes a believer. Now he begins to fantasize about getting the so-caled bitch to cook him a meal, fold his socks, or chase him around. But if you start out dependent on him, he simply doesn’t value it the same. Another mistake that a woman can make is to put herself down. When you’re on a date, you should never talk about the plastic surgery you want to have or the weight you want to lose. Don’t talk him out of a compliment. This is the time to be sure of who you are. So, what’s the right attitude? “This is me, in al of my splendor... and it doesn’t get any better than this.” Don’t spend a fortune on a therapist. Just say it to yourself until you believe it. Eventualy you will believe it, and so wil he. Humility? Don’t worry. It’s a treatable affliction, a mental glitch. If you catch yourself being modest or humble or any of that nonsense, correct the problem immediately. Go directly back to believing you are “a catch.” Period. End of story. Case closed. If someone else doesn’t like your confidence, that’s their problem. Why? You always come before they do, that’s why. Case in point: Ever hear a man say that al the guys wanted his exgirlfriend? He’l build her up so much that when you finaly see a picture, you are dumbfounded. What you realy want to say is, “Honey, she looks like she had the starring role in Lassie Comes Home.” Don’t bother because he’l rush to her defense: “She looked better in real life.” No sale... try again. “She looked better back then? (Pause.) It was a realy bad picture, no, realy.” (Stil, no sale.) What women need to understand is that when a man considers a woman to be a prize, looks have very little to do with it. In the above example, it was a simple mind trick that goes like this: She acted like a prize, and then a funny thing happened. He completely forgot who he was looking at. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #6 It is your attitude about yourself OceanofPDF.com that a man will adopt. The same works in reverse. A beautiful woman can make herself look ugly in the eyes of a man if she is very insecure. He pursued you; therefore, he finds you attractive. An understated demeanor and a confident attitude wil convince him you’re gorgeous. Never assume you are not attractive enough, and therefore you have to overcompensate or chase a man. Taste is subjective. One man’s “ugly” is another man’s “beautiful.” The first date is about looks. When he fals in love, it’s about your attitude. It’s about whether you can hold your own. Which is al about how you hold yourself. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #7 OceanofPDF.com Act like a prize and you’ll turn him into a believer. A woman also demeans herself when she compares herself to another woman. So, don’t let on when you feel threatened by another attractive woman who walks into the room. If you want to make a woman who is a 6 on a scale of 10 look like a 12, what do you need to do? Simple. Act threatened by her. If you pretend not to notice her, he’l see your confidence in yourself and then he’l become intrigued with you. Then another curious thing wil happen. Suddenly she won’t look so good. She only has as much power as you give her. A girlfriend of mine named Samantha went on a first date with a man who took her to a local boxing match. In between rounds, as always, there was a sexy, barely dressed stripper who came out holding the round number. Her date looked at the woman and then, in an effort to be a gentleman, turned to look at Samantha. She acted as though she was oblivious as to why he had turned to look at her. When the woman came out again in the folowing round in a see-through lace nightie, my friend leaned down under the seat and nonchalantly asked her date if she could drink some of the water in his water bottle. He said, “Sure.” At no time did she behave as if she was threatened. Instead, she remained very composed as though the other woman didn’t even exist. By the end of the third round, he no longer noticed the woman in the boxing ring. The end result was that he was completely enamored with Samantha. And while driving home, he kept saying how incredibly beautiful he thought she was. The proof was in the pudding. He continued to pursue her, not the stripper who overcompensated, to get the kind of attention that is often very short-lived. While my friend’s behavior was exemplary, his wasn’t al that romantic. It should not go unnoticed that a man is wiling to take you somewhere unromantic on the first date. If a man takes you to a boxing match, a strip joint, or a place he might typicaly hang out with a bunch of guys, he’s teling you by the choices he is making that he doesn’t plan to have you around that long. If this is where he takes you on a first date, don’t go out with him a second time. If you are in an uncomfortable situation, don’t feel compeled to compete with another woman. In addition, you don’t need to expose a lot of skin or feel as if you have to work harder to earn a man’s sexual attention. I know a woman who takes off layers of clothes based on how the other women in the room are dressed. The issue again is overcompensation. No need. Wearing your sexuality on your sleeve isn’t advantageous in luring a man. The issue is not about whether you are successful in turning him on; this is no big achievement. He can get aroused from riding a motorcycle or from sleeping. The issue is not whether you turn him on; it’s whether he stays turned on after he has been satisfied. This is the key. Quality men are attracted by less, not more. If he sees a pretty secretary wearing her hair in a bun, right there in broad daylight he’s going to start wondering what she looks like with her hair down. If he sees a woman dressed in a way that shows there is something moving behind a sweater that he can’t see, his desire to see is greater than if she’s showing it right off the bat. When you show your shape, but don’t expose every inch, the “unwrapping of the gift” becomes much more stimulating. If he has to unbutton an item of clothing to get to what he wants to see, it turns him on more. Not less. You often hear a man say of a provocatively dressed woman, “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers.” This is true until he’s had “his way” with her and then crackers or no crackers, he moves on. The difficult part isn’t getting a man’s interest. The trick is knowing how to sustain it. Much of holding your own in a relationship begins with how you hold yourself. Overcompensating is overcompensating, and it includes everything from caling a man too much to cooking a four-course meal to dressing too provocatively. Remember the saying: The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. If, at a later date, you dress provocatively, that’s another story. Then he knows you are doing it just for him, so it becomes a treat. This is why you often hear men say they want a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom. It’s what you don’t show that keeps him intrigued. Don’t let the advertisements on TV be your guide. The woman who sustains a man’s interest is not the one who feels confident because of a particular miniskirt, a bely ring, or a black dress with a plunging neckline. A bitch doesn’t rely on these things to feel good about herself. She relies on who she is as a woman. “He should accept me as I am!” says the woman who is too nice. Accept you? Oh no, sister. Slap yourself. He should want you madly. Acceptance has nothing to do with it. He accepts a doormat. But he desires his dreamgirl. If you want acceptance, go to a self- help group. We’re talking about what he craves. It started when he was a kid. When he received a toy for Christmas that he didn’t even ask for, he played with it for a whole five minutes. The toy he cherished was the one he bought with two months’ alowance that sat on the top shelf in the toy store. He couldn’t reach it but went in to look at it al the time. He got up every morning at the crack of dawn to toss papers on a paper route to get that toy. It’s the one toy he wil always remember because he had to earn it. IN HER MIND OceanofPDF.com IN HIS MIND “She is trying too hard. She’s “I am going the extra mile.” desperate.” “I don’t want to play “She talks too much.” games.” “I am nurturing.” “She is mothering.” “I am giving 100 percent “She is really nice, but there so I can make it work.” just isn’t any chemistry” But with the bitch? There’s no lack of sexual chemistry. She Has That “Je Ne Sais Quoi” Je ne sais quoi is a French expression that translates to “I don’t know what.” It implies “that something special” that there aren’t words for. It is that elusive charming quality you just cannot put your finger on. What does this quality boil down to? A woman who is comfortable in her own skin and cannot be made to feel bad about herself. It isn’t about looks; gorgeous women get dumped every day. It isn’t about inteligence. Women of al types, from briliant women to women with the IQ equivalent of plant life, pul it off every day. It’s about mystery and learning how to create intrigue. When you lose your edge, the relationship loses its fire. Think of him as the match. You are the striking board on the back of the match cover. When the rough edge or sand wears off and starts to become dul, it is much harder to get that spark. For example, the man may say. “Maybe I need a little time to think things over.” The woman who is too nice responds, “Please don’t leave me.” Not the bitch. She offers to help him pack. Why (choose A, B, or C)? A. She is helpful. B. He can’t pack. C. She loves herself. Hint: The correct answer is C. Because she loves herself, the bitch doesn’t want anyone who doesn’t want her. She doesn’t grab his ankles and beg for mercy. She keeps that edge. And, in doing so, she prevents him from wanting to go. Her aura says she doesn’t want him desperately enough, need him desperately enough, or let him get under her skin enough. She is driving that train. Effortlessly. And it is that very ease that translates into charm. Je ne sais quoi is a sexy devil-may-care attitude. Not only isn’t the bitch needy of him, she often isn’t focused on him. Ever notice that when you are on the phone ignoring the man you are with, suddenly he’l kiss your neck and try to get your attention? Ignore him and he is intrigued. Make him the center of attention al the time and he runs. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #8 The biggest variable between a bitch and a woman who is too nice is fear. The bitch shows that she’s not afraid to be without him. Margaret Atwood said, “Fear has a smel, as love does.” It is said that excitement and fear come from the same part of the brain. When a man is slightly afraid of losing a woman, his excitement is piqued. His psyche is like a plant. It needs water but also air to breathe. To give a man too much reassurance too soon is the same as overwatering a plant. It kils it. One of the things women have to get out of their mindset is the notion of what a bitch is. A bitch is nice. She’s sweet as a Georgia peach. She smiles and she is feminine. She just doesn’t make decisions based on the fear of losing a man. The difference between the bitch and the nice girl is not so much in their personalities or in their demeanor. It has nothing to do with how abrasive a woman is. A bitch is a bitch with her actions, because she isn’t wiling to give herself up. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #9 If the choice is between her dignity and having a relationship, the bitch will prioritize her dignity above all else. The bitch remains the person she is throughout her relationship with a man. She doesn’t lose her friends. She doesn’t give up her career or her hobbies. She doesn’t give up al of her time or bend over backward. And, unlike the nice girl, she is not too tolerant of disrespect. She also keeps her edge and has enormous self-respect; she holds the conviction that her self-worth governs her decisions. Because she is not afraid, ironicaly he becomes afraid to lose her. Because she is not needy, he starts to need her. Because she isn’t dependent on him, he begins to depend on her. It’s like a reverse magnet. The person who is least dependent on the outcome of the relationship wil automaticaly draw the other person in. Meet the “New and Improved” Bitch Let us conclude this chapter by redefining the word bitch. Think of it as a “term of endearment.” A bitch is not a woman who speaks in a harsh tone of voice. It is not a woman who is abrasive or rude. She is polite but clear. She communicates directly with a man, in much the same way men communicate with one another. In this way, it’s easier for a man to deal with her than with a woman who waffles or appears too emotional, because the emotionaly sensitive type of woman confuses him. The bitch knows what she likes and has an easier time expressing it directly. As a result, she usualy gets what she wants. Here are the ten characteristics that define her. 1. She maintains her independence. It doesn’t matter if she is the CEO of a company or a waitress at Denny’s. She earns an honest living. She has honor, and she isn’t standing there with her hand out. 2. She doesn’t pursue him. The moon and the sun and the stars don’t revolve around him. She doesn’t make her dates with him when her horoscope advises that his big Mercury is about to retrograde in her little Venus. She doesn’t chase him or keep tabs on him. He is not the center of the world. 3. She is mysterious. There is a difference between honesty and disclosure. She is honest but does not reveal everything. She isn’t verbaly putting her cards on the table. Familiarity breeds contempt and predictability breeds boredom. 4. She leaves him wanting. She doesn’t see him every night or leave long messages on his machine. She isn’t on a first-name basis with his secretary in one week. Men equate longing with love. Longing is good. 5. She doesn’t let him see her sweat. She keeps communication from getting messy and avoids communicating when upset. When she clears her head, she is succinct and speaks in a “bottom line” way. 6. She remains in control of her time. She takes it slowly, especially when he wants to hurry. She moves to her rhythm, not his, preventing him from taking control of her. 7. She maintains a sense of humor. A sense of humor lets him know she is detached. However, she doesn’t treat disrespect as a laughing matter. 8. She places a high value on herself. When he gives her a compliment, she says thank you. She doesn’t talk him out of it. She doesn’t ask what the ex looked like and doesn’t compete with other women. 9. She is passionate about something other than him. When he feels he isn’t the “be al and end al” of her existence, it makes her more desirable. Staying busy ensures she isn’t resentful if he is unavailable. He doesn’t have a monopoly on the rent space in her head. He doesn’t get Park Place, and he doesn’t get Boardwalk. He gets one of those little purple properties next to Go. 10. She treats her body like a finely tuned machine. She maintains her appearance and health. A person’s self-respect is reflected in how he or she maintains physical appearance. If he tels her he doesn’t like red lipstick, she wears it anyway, if it makes her feel good. 2 WHY MEN OceanofPDF.com Prefer BITCHES Cracking the Code: What Every Nice Girl Needs to Know “Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar, and a good woman—or a bad woman. It depends on how much happiness you can handle.” —GEORGE BURNS The Thrill of the Chase Women need to understand that men love the “thril of the chase” and are highly competitive. They like racing cars, engaging in athletics, and hunting. They like to fix things, to figure things out, to pursue. The cat-and-mouse game that women find maddening is actualy very exciting to men. This is a very basic difference between the sexes. For a woman, the objective is often a committed relationship, also known as the destination. For a man, the road trip on the way to the destination is often the most fun. The bitch understands that when a man wants something he’l go after it, and going after it makes him want it even more. If he doesn’t succeed right away, he starts to crave it. It captures his interest and excites his imagination. A woman who is too nice throws cold water on this process. A man is more likely to get bored when he hasn’t realy invested much of himself. No one respects a freebie or a handout in any facet of life. When a woman sleeps with a man right away, it doesn’t pul him in. The men I interviewed often admitted that if the sex was too easy to get, it was not that great. It’s like blackjack. If he wins big right up front, he’s done for the night. But with the slow win, things develop differently He wins a few hands and then loses a couple. At this point, wild horses couldn’t pul him away, because he feels so close to winning again. He can almost taste it. His inborn, competitive male nature kicks in and makes him stay there and fight. And if he’s losing, he’l fight even harder. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #10 When a woman doesn’t give in easily and doesn’t appear docile or submissive, it becomes more stimulating to obtain her. Another example is when he goes on a hunting trip with “the boys.” They go out for a whole week. He sleeps in a grungy sleeping bag and gets chewed up by mosquitoes. He eats food that prison inmates wouldn’t touch. For what? The hunt. Then if he actualy kils a moose, he comes home prouder than a peacock and wants to hang the moose head on the wal in the den. (Look out— the hunter is now a decorator.) Let’s notice something, because it is significant. If you were to drop a dead moose on his doorstep, he’d want nothing to do with it. It could be the very same moose he had hunted, and yet it could have a totaly different effect on him. This is how the pursuit affects his interest in a woman. When a woman chases a man, it has the same effect as if she were to deliver a dead moose to his front door. The objective while dating is not to be mean. It’s to give him the thril of the chase by taking it slowly and letting him be a man. It’s easy to understand his nature because it is our human nature, too. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE # 11 Being right on the verge of getting something generates a desire that has to be satisfied. Men often admit, “You always want what you can’t have.” The bitch never lets him feel that he has her under his thumb. Since he never quite has her, he never stops pursuing her. So when he thinks he’s making progress and he has you right where he wants you, sometimes it’s appropriate to gently remind him that you aren’t under his thumb. Here are just a few comparisons between the nice girl and the bitch. SCENARIO #1: HE CALLS YOU AND EXPECTS YOU TO BE AT HOME. If the nice girl leaves, she The bitch lets him think cal s first to tel him where about where she is every she’l be and what time she’l now and then. be back. She lets him wonder if she’s Often she’l assure him that outside his reach by not her cel phone’s on, should always reporting her he want to get ahold of her. whereabouts. SCENARIO #2: HE SAYS HE'LL CALL AT AROUND A CERTAIN TIME AFTER HE GETS IN. THE CALL IS FOUR HOURS LATE. The nice girl yel s at The bitch isn’t so easily upset, so him and says she she isn’t so easy to read. She may was worried. “You or may not pick up the phone, which should have cal ed!” makes him miss her. SCENARIO #3: HE SEEMS A LITTLE WITHDRAWN, PENSIVE, AND NOT PARTICULARLY TALKATIVE. The nice girl continual y pries The bitch is in her own and asks, “What are you thoughts. She doesn’t thinking about?” She worries panic, which makes him that he is pul ing away. come her way. SCENARIO #4: HE IS VERY LATE FOR A DATE AND KEEPS HER WAITING. The nice girl waits, cal s him on his The bitch waits a cel phone four times, and tel s him halfhour and then he should “value her more.” makes other plans. The difference in these situations isn’t as much how you treat him as how you treat yourself. The bitch’s behavior lets him know without any words that she wil not pul the plug on her life to accommodate him. Are You Too Nice? OceanofPDF.com A Pop Quiz 1. Do you feel guilty when you say no, or do you say no and then second- guess yourself? Yes No 2. Do you often try to tel your partner that you want to be treated with respect? Yes No 3. Do you find yourself bartering or negotiating for what you want or need? Yes No 4. Do you often pass up sleep or the need for personal time to meet his needs? Yes No 5. Do you regularly see him on short notice or when it is convenient for him? Yes No 6. Do you find that you repeat what you’ve asked for as though he didn’t hear it the first time? Yes No 7. After a fight, are you always the first one to contact him or apologize? Yes No 8. Do you find you are much more doting and affectionate than he is? Yes No 9. Do you often feel depleted after he has been with you? Yes No 10. Do you constantly want more attention or reassurance? Yes No If you’ve answered yes to five or more of these ten questions, you are giving far more than you are receiving. Let’s explore why giving yourself up is never in your best interests. Women understand the concept of balance between work and play. They balance time with family and time with friends. They balance a job with getting an education. But when it comes to a man, the nice girl abandons al sense of balance and immediately makes the man the whole pie. But with a bitch, he is just a piece of it. She keeps the other pieces intact. It al starts out subtly. “What are you doing right now?” he asks when he cals her from his cel phone. “Wel, I was going to catch a movie with a girlfriend,” she answers. The operative word is was (past tense). Then he asks, “Want to hook up?” She pauses for two seconds. “Okay.” A man wil try to get you to be very accessible because it’s natural that he’l want to make things more convenient for himself. And he’l do so by saying the folowing to pressure you to accommodate him: “I don’t like to plan things.” “I like to be spontaneous.” “I like to fly by the seat of my pants.” Another key factor that distinguishes the nice girl from the bitch is how much of herself she’l give up. Once you’re in a relationship and he’s shown a pattern of being interested over time, then it’s okay to be a little more spontaneous. In the beginning, however, don’t make yourself so accessible. If you do, the relationship wil always be on his terms. The nice girl wil often cancel plans with a girlfriend if she gets a last- minute date. The bitch wil hold her own simply by keeping her previously set plans. I know one bitchy woman whose partner absolutely adores her. If she’s painting her toenails when he cals, she’l stil say, “Thank you so much, but I’m a little busy right now.” ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #12 OceanofPDF.com A man knows which woman will give in to last-minute requests. Sometimes a man wil get tickets to something at the last minute. Or he’l plan a romantic surprise. He is spontaneous, but clearly you’re his first priority—so this is harmless. You’re in good shape if he’s caling you al the time and wants to see a lot of you. What you want to guard against is going on last-minute dates or getting those last-minute cals to do something because he didn’t have anything better planned. Sometimes when a woman has feelings for a man, she can’t distinguish between the two. THE THE SPONTANEOUS GUY WHO SPONTANEOUS IS TREATING YOU LIKE A VS. OceanofPDF.com GUY WHO ADORES GUY WHO ADORES BACKUP OceanofPDF.com YOU You don’t hear from him for He makes dates ahead of two weeks at a time and time, and he also wants to then al of a sudden you get see you spontaneously in a phone cal. between. His buddies complain that He prioritizes social he fel off the face of the engagements with his earth. They hassle him but drinking buddies. he doesn’t seem to care. He makes travel He’s constantly asking you arrangements with friends to take time off from work so and never asks you to you can get away together. accompany him. He’s happy to be in your He’s irritable when he’s company. His friends and around you and frequently family al think he looks complains of not having happier than he’s ever more time to himself. looked. If he has to cancel, he feels He cal s you to cancel plans badly about it. He cal s you for that evening. Later that when he gets in from night, you cal right back and wherever he is because he it goes directly to voice mail. has nothing to hide and he Then he cal s the fol owing wants you to know he’s day with a good excuse. being total y “on the level.” He won’t ever take you out or spend much money. He may ask you for a loan. He’l do anything just to see Before you know it, you’re you smile. supporting the guy through col ege. You make it known that He almost always sees you you’re available on a whenever you have time, weekend night. And even unless he has a professional though he works during the commitment or there’s an week, he doesn’t make important extenuating himself available to see you. circumstance. A common example is the typical “booty cal.” First, the guy waits to hear back from someone else before confirming whether he can see you. He’l cal at 5:00 and say he hasn’t showered yet and he’s on the way At 7:00 he cals again and puls the plug: “My friend Troy stopped by” Then he says he’l make it an early night with Troy and tels you he wants to get together afterward. He gets in late, and that’s when he offers to see you, providing you drive to his place. No matter how much you want to see him, don’t go. At this point, you want to seriously consider not ever seeing him again. If you do go, you won’t be more appealing to him; you’l be turning the dimmer switch down on his attraction for you. A friend of mine named Crystal was in this exact situation and handled it perfectly. A man named Brett caled her on a Saturday night; it was wel after midnight and raining, and he asked her in a seductive tone of voice to drive to his place. A classic booty cal. Crystal hadn’t heard from Brett in two weeks, since he’d indicated he wanted to “see other people.” He also lived 35 miles away from her at the time. Crystal said, “Okay, sweetie. I’m on my way. Give me five minutes to put on a garter belt under my raincoat. I’l be there in forty minutes.” She also asked Brett to wait downstairs for her in the rain with an umbrela, so she wouldn’t get drenched walking to the front of his apartment complex. He waited and waited and waited. Three hours later, it occurred to him like a stunning revelation: No booty cometh. In the morning Crystal awoke to several messages from Brett. In one of them, he mentioned that he had come down with a severe case of the flu from standing in the rain. (Not her fault. He should have gotten his flu shot.) Again, the bitch is very nice. She is as sweet as a Georgia peach. But inside every sweet peach is a strong pit. And this means she won’t explain the obvious when a man is disrespectful. There is no way to hold your own in a relationship and simultaneously accept rude behavior. A quality man doesn’t want a woman he can trot al over. There is nothing wrong with having a little self-respect— and a few conditions. Condition #1. OceanofPDF.com He books in advance. The message? Your time and attention are valuable. If you treat yourself as a valuable commodity, he wil naturaly put more stock in you. For example, he cals and says, “When can I see you?” Don’t say, “I’m wide open around the clock. Pick a time. Anytime!” He suggests Friday. “Okay!” He suggests Tuesday. “Okay!” He suggests three weeks from next Sunday. “Okay!” Instead, politely tel him you have two nights that are good for you. Then let him choose one. He’l probably choose both. Here’s a similar circumstance. A doctor I know started a private practice. He didn’t want his receptionist to say, “Sure, we have tons of openings. Drop in any time.” Instead, he instructed her to say, “We can get you in at 2:15 or at 4:15. Which would work for you?” Most people would tend to value an appointment more with a doctor who appears to be fairly busy but is willing to accommodate them than with one who is always open like an alnight convenience store. OceanofPDF.com Condition #2. Don’t see him when you are “running on empty.” The message? He does not come before basic necessities (i.e., rest). He says he’d like to see you at 9:00 P.M., and you don’t want to be out too late? Tel him, “I’d prefer to get together earlier.” If he can’t because he is working late, make no issue of it. Simply suggest getting together another night. OceanofPDF.com Condition #3. If you aren’t having fun or he isn’t good company, end the date immediately, and give a OceanofPDF.com superficial explanation as to why. The message? You have a standard of how you expect to be treated. For example, you are on a first date. He gets drunk and behaves badly. For starters, never get into a car with someone who is drinking. Always keep a credit card in your back pocket or a $20 bil in your bra. Tel him you are going home early. Excuse yourself, go to the little girl’s room, and cal a cab. Another friend named Kely snagged a guy whom a lot of women wanted by setting the tone from the very beginning. She did so simply by being reticent. The man was extremely successful, very attractive, and charismatic. He first saw Kely when he was eating his lunch at a cafeteria where she often eats. He had that confident vibe and was used to women hitting on him. Kely was the exception to the rule. He was trying to get her attention while she remained absolutely riveted by her BLT sandwich. She knew that he was watching her, but she pretended not to notice. He came back Tuesday. And Wednesday. And Thursday. When he finaly asked her out, she paused before she answered, “I don’t know you, so I can’t look at you in a romantic way. We could start as friends and see where it leads.” Here’s a guy who was used to women clamoring to be with him, but with Kely, he was presented with a chalenge to pursue a woman who let him know she won’t be so easily won over. In this way, she held her own. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #13 Whether you have terms and conditions OceanofPDF.com indicates whether you have options. Almost immediately, you present yourself as a doormat or a dreamgirl. “Terms and conditions” are a novel idea for the woman who is too nice. (And you shouldn’t leave home without them.) Don’t get me wrong: Unconditional love is a beautiful thing. Just be sure to give it after your conditions have been met. OceanofPDF.com The Mamal Ho Complex In the field of psychoanalysis, there’s a male hang-up caled the Madonna/Whore Syndrome. Let’s forget al the fancy psychobabble and refer to the informal Mama/Ho version to better understand our male counterparts. The Mama/Ho theory holds that a man wil either see you as his “mama” or his “ho.” The word ho is a derivative of the word whore. It is not a garden tool. A ho is any woman he is having sex with, any woman he wants to have sex with, or any woman he has had sex with. The antonym for ho is mama. A man wil feel affectionate toward a woman who is realy sweet and nice, much like the affection he has for his mother. Because she doesn’t present a chalenge and she’s always there, he begins to take her for granted. This is when you hear men say, “She’s realy nice, but there just wasn’t any chemistry.” Therefore: SAFE + BORING + MAMA = NO SPARK & UNPREDICTABLE + NOT MONOTONOUS + HO = OceanofPDF.com FIREWORKS Even though a man is turned on by the independent woman he can’t have, he’l stil try to get you to be like his mama. He’l want you to cook, clean, and do his laundry. One woman I know nipped the issue of laundry in the very beginning. Early in her marriage, she threw a red sweat-shirt in with al of her husband’s white cotton underwear. Then she turned the water on hot to seal the deal. The only underwear he had left was the pair he was wearing. No self- respecting, heterosexual male would ever be caught dead wearing pink underwear. On seeing the ruined garments, her husband threatened her with the very words she wanted to hear, “You wil never, ever, ever do my laundry again!” What a nice girl should know is that even if you make every effort to be an exemplary housekeeper, he’l stil want a ho behind closed doors. The two are related. Why? Constant mothering wil eventualy turn a man off. Yes, they say that every man is looking for his mother. This is a nice theory, but it doesn’t mean you should run out and do his laundry or treat him as though you are his keeper. There are four things that make a man feel suffocated or mothered, that often turn him off, and that make him distance himself from you like a rebelious teenager. These are the major Mommy no-no’s: Do not appear to check up on him or ask him to check in with you. Do not expect him (without asking first) to spend al his free time with you. Do not ask him to account for the time that he isn’t with you. Do not be overly doting, leaving him no room to come your way. Never give the appearance that you are closing in on him. For example, suppose he gets off the phone with his long-lost Auntie Mae. If you immediately start questioning him or you jump down his throat and demand to know who was on the phone, it has the same effect as throwing on an apron and assuming the role of mama. Like a teenager, he’l rebel. There are many things women inadvertently say that sound very motherly: “Get some rest,” “Don’t stay out late,” “Cal me when you get in,” or “Eat something before you go out.” You wil make him feel emasculated. It’s no different than teling a two-year-old, “After naptime we’l have a little cookie.” Asking a man to explain himself or check in with you is mothering. Maybe he ran a half-hour late coming home. Perhaps he was having a friend help him fix his lawnmower, or maybe he was having a beer under the hood of his friend’s car. The very second he thinks he has to explain himself to you, he’l feel as though he is losing his freedom. Then he’l make up a story to conceal something that didn’t need to be concealed, just to protect his “territory” or his “turf.” And he’l feel cornered. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #14 If you smother him, he’ll go into defense mode and look for an escape route OceanofPDF.com to protect his freedom. Don’t make him feel as though he has to ask permission for the day-to-day things he wants to do. It’s smothering to him when you watch him too closely. Don’t give him the feeling he’s under a microscope. He’l feel controled and wil instantly want to get away. When he’s shaving and he’s late for work, don’t push your way into the bathroom to watch him. Don’t look in his car’s glove compartment as though there’s something suspicious in there. Don’t appear to eavesdrop on his phone conversations. Don’t try to take over his kitchen or leave girlie things in his bathroom as though you’re marking your turf. Don’t ask him to spend al his time with you, and don’t say. “I miss you” when he hasn’t seen you in two hours. If you do these things, you are subtly doing the chasing. Don’t say things like, “Tuck in your shirt,” “Go wash your hands,” or “Go brush your hair.” Don’t ask him if he’s hungry three times in a row, and don’t wait on him hand and foot—unless he has a cold. (One little sniffle and you can treat it like a terminal ilness.) Don’t plan al of your weekends together so he has to ask permission to go fishing. Let him catch a couple of fish. Otherwise, he’l start to break dates. Why? Because he’s acting like a rebelious teenager who’s been given a curfew by mama. He’l do it deliberately so you don’t get used to dic-tating how his time is spent. When you treat your time together as something he has to do, you’ve taken something that was a pleasure and made it a chore. If you are nice, but you give of yourself with strings attached, the demand for reciprocity wil send him several steps backward. Whenever you make him feel as though he has to see you, it wil feel like work. When it’s not an obligation to see you, the very same thing wil feel like pleasure. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #15 Whenever a woman requires too many things from a man, he’ll resent it. Let him give what he wants to give freely; then observe who he is. Men like things that are difficult. They like to drive stick-shift automobiles. They like to jump out of airplanes, and they like to climb mountains. They like to do the impossible. Therefore, when he has to go out of his way to see you, he is actualy happier. It wil not feel like work to him. This theory applies to anything—a phone cal, time together, sex, or whether he checks in at the end of the day. If you always make him feel he has plenty of space to do his own thing, he’l always feel that lust. You’l be like a lover not like his mother. He’l perceive you as a privilege rather than an obligation, and he’l come your way. OceanofPDF.com The No Cage Rule The minute a man feels vulnerable, he fears being devastated emotionaly. When he meets a nice girl, she could potentialy represent “forever.” Heaven forbid she lets the word relationship trip off her tongue a couple of times? Cal 911. He immediately thinks she wants to latch onto him and have babies. Heaven forbid you get excited to see a cute baby? Trauma. He has nightmares and sees it as a sign that he’s in dire need of a backup form of birth control. Sometimes you hear men say, “I want to leave my options open” or “I don’t want to get tied down.” Or they use catch phrases like ball and chain or henpecked. My favorite is a hyphenated term that begins with a female body part and is folowed by the word whipped. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #16 A bitch gives a man plenty of space so he doesn’t fear being trapped in a cage. Then... he sets out to trap her in his. Clearly, men are scared to death of losing control of their freedom. The thought of being stuck with one woman frightens them. If a woman immediately acts as if she expects a man to behave like a serious boyfriend without much effort on his part, he’l get scared and run off. With the nice girl, it only takes a few dates for him to feel trapped. And then “lock-down mode” begins. WHAT SHE SAYS... OceanofPDF.com WHAT HE HEARS Limited supervised “I’d love it if you’d let me know outings folowed by where you are at night. It’s just checkin time with the common courtesy” warden. The ringing of the keys “I get upset when you don’t cal that are attached to his me when we aren’t together.” bal and chain. “We should be together. Why “Lights out and lockdown” do you need the boys if you in fifteen minutes! have me?” “I’d like to get married and Nothing. (Inmate on the have kids within a year.” loose.) Suddenly, poof! The magic is gone. He panics about being an inmate crammed into a cel. By contrast, the bitchier woman is a little more aloof, so it appears as if she has far less interest in taking away his freedom or locking him down. This is one of the major qualities that attract a man to a bitch. Ask yourself the folowing... Ever have a pil ow fight and notice that you and your partner are more turned on? Ever notice that when you play-wrestle with a man, he gets al fired up? Ever notice when a man steps over the line and you put him in his place, he gets turned on? Ever wonder why the men you aren’t interested in won’t stop chasing you? When you’re dating someone and you don’t pay attention to him, does he seem more intrigued and chase you even more? Have you ever played with your pet and noticed that your man seems jealous? To fuly understand these occurrences, we must focus our attention on where the true answer lies: The Animal Channel. Men are hunters, and like any hunting animal, they are more intrigued by conquering prey when it resists the predator. Most men are turned on by a bitch because it’s a thril to take down a powerful woman. Let’s look at how this has practical applications. A grad student named Nancy was taking an evening class, and she had an interest in a male classmate. He kept sitting closer and closer until finaly he asked her out. She said, “Okay, I’d love to. But while we are in this class, I just want you to know that I’d like to keep it professional.” There was clearly an undeniable amount of chemistry between them, so her comment was hardly a deterrent. It became: Operation Get That Girl. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #17 If you tell him you are not interested in jumping into a relationship with both feet, he will set out to try to change your mind. The way to quel his fears is to say you aren’t interested in anything “too serious.” As long as you appear interested in him, he’l keep coming your way. In his mind, you’l always be able to be convinced otherwise because men are so conditioned to meeting women who want commitment. By not appearing to want commitment, you throw a monkey wrench in the lockdown program. He no longer knows what to expect. This is how you get in the conductor’s seat of the train, and this is when he wants to stay on board. When he’s driving, there is no “thril” and no “chase.” But when you’re driving, suddenly it’s a fun ride because he can’t anticipate what wil happen next. (I submit to you, my felow sisters, it’s very selfish not to indulge him in so much fun.) Things You Can Say to Avoid the Cage When you go on a first date, tel him you “don’t want to be in a serious relationship, for the time being.” (Of course, things may change.) When you work together, say, “I don’t know if it’s a good idea for us to mix business with pleasure.” (You need a little convincing.) When it’s a long-distance relationship, say, “I’m not sure long-distance relationships can work.” (Tentative is good.) The opposite is also true. If, for example, you don’t like him and wish he’d stop caling, try, “Babies? I love babies! I want at least a half a dozen of them, maybe more. My clock is ticking so I’d like to have them soon. Real soon. Perhaps six of them in the next four years...” Keep talking about those babies. This is the perfect approach for that friendly guy you aren’t interested in and you don’t want to hurt. It’s a perfect way to get rid of him. “Diapers? It’s easy to get the hang of it. And, don’t worry... you’l get used to the smel of the poop! It won’t last too long, just until they get potty trained....” Just make sure you’re on the ground floor when you tel him, so he doesn’t get hurt when he jumps off the balcony. (Open windows and high altitudes should also be avoided.) If you don’t make him feel locked down, he’l come your way. Think of him as a frightened stray dog. Eventualy, he’l drop his guard and come around. But if you charge at him or try to corner him, he’l bolt. This also relates to why men prefer bitches. When he meets a woman who is unavailable or a little bitchy, he has a built-in excuse for why he isn’t going to get too close. “She’s a bitch, so I won’t get too serious. I’l just have a little fun,” he says to himself. Fun equals freedom. That is, until he gets attached and then it’s checkmate. Men don’t choose to be in love. It happens by accident. That’s why they coined the phrase to fall in love. As in “Oops!” He fell. He had a plan... but it went terribly awry. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #18 OceanofPDF.com Always give the appearance that he has plenty of space. It gets him to drop his guard. The more relaxed he is, the less guarded he’l be; and then it’s only a matter of time before he reaches the point of no return. When he’s in madly in love, you won’t need to say things like “Where are you going?” or “What are you doing?” He’l tel you everything you ever wanted to know because he wants to, not because you had to ask. And, if and when he does go out with the boys, he won’t be able to wait to get home to you. OceanofPDF.com The Power of Choice Who can forget the scene in Coming to America in which Eddie Murphy, as the prince, stands before the altar prepared to wed his beautiful bride in a prearranged marriage? Before the ceremony, he takes the bride into a back room and asks her, “What do you like?” She responds, “Whatever you like.” Then he asks her what she likes to eat. “Whatever you like.” Her answers become more and more subservient. Then he tels her to bark like a dog and hop on one leg. When she does, he realizes he can’t go through with the wedding. A man wants a woman who has a mind of her own. An opinion. The way you assert yourself lets him know whether you have self- confidence. It lets him know you can hold up your end of the bargain. When he gives you a “little crap,” you can give him a “little crap” right back. He respects a woman who can “trade blows” with him and hold her own. You don’t have to always agree with everything he believes. A man fals in love with a woman when he feels he has “met his match.” If you feel strongly about something, don’t be afraid to say so. When he asks, “What movie do you want to see?” don’t always tel him to choose. How about saying, “Hey, I sat through two of your ‘shoot-’em-up-bang-bang’ movies, so we’re seeing a ‘chick-flick’ tonight.” Men are attracted to a woman who can speak her mind. As one married man described, “Sometimes, get dressed to go out and tel him to stay home with the kids. Don’t ask him. Tell him.” Another said something even more poignant. “I don’t think most men would mind if a woman was the one in control at home. Just as long as no one else knew about it.” So begin your dating relationship with a voice. Don’t give the impression you are spineless. Remember the scene in When Harry Met Sally when Meg Ryan’s character takes an hour to order her sandwich? Have an opinion. State a preference. Be polite, but don’t be afraid to express yourself. For example, suppose you’re at the video store deciding between two movies to rent. Don’t get the one that you’ve already seen. “I’l see it again if you haven’t seen it.” Slap yourself. “There are a lot of good movies. How about we get one neither one of us has seen?” If he suggests Indian food and you absolutely hate it, say, “Hey, I heard there’s a realy good new restaurant right next door.” Show him that you aren’t afraid to make a suggestion or take the initiative. Assume that a man wants to be a gentleman. And if he wants to be a gentleman, he wants to please you. The bitch requires an equivocal situation, whereas the nice girl does not. If the guy insists on picking the movie or restaurant al the time and has no regard for what she likes, the bitch wil not have any contact with him. It isn’t about Italian or Chinese. It isn’t about one movie over another. It’s about whether he shows her he is selfish. This is a character flaw the bitch won’t tolerate. This is a sily example, but I’l offer it because evidently it worked. A Swedish girlfriend of mine named Anna recently had dinner with a man, and he ordered two lobsters. The waiter brought the two live lobsters to the table and asked, “Wil this be okay, sir?” My friend is not a vegetarian, but she grew up with a couple of pet frogs in Sweden and was alarmed to see the lobsters’ little legs kicking. She said, “I just couldn’t sit through the next five minutes knowing these two things would be boiled alive,” and she insisted that he change the order. Anna would have bet her life savings that this guy would never cal her again, but he did. He caled almost every day that week. He wanted to please her more than he wanted lobster. That’s a gentleman. I’m not saying the lobster example is a trick you should try at home, but it’s far better than the Eddie Murphy bride who said, “Whatever you like.” ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #19 More than anything else, he watches to see if you’ll be too emotionally dependent on him. It isn’t that a man wants a woman who is “bitching” al the time or complaining about everything that’s wrong in her life. He wants a woman who isn’t afraid to disagree or express an opinion. When he asks on the first date, “What do you like to do?” don’t shrug and say, “Um. You know. Stuff” You don’t need to say you’l bungee jump, climb mountains, and then come home and have sex al night. But show him that you have an “appetite for life.” Your life. It’s al in how you describe things. “Occasionaly, (yawn) I pick up a book.” This not the same as “There is this amazing book I’m reading by Susan Faludi, and it’s so intriguing. She’s such an incredible writer.” To better understand why men are put off by needy women, keep this example in mind. Ever had a girlfriend who always comes around when she is upset over some guy? In between relationships, she is nowhere to be found. After not hearing from her for two months, she cries on your shoulder when the guy blows her off. Then you don’t see her again until the next guy dumps her. Eventualy you won’t want to be around her because you won’t feel as though she is contributing to your friendship. That’s how a guy feels when you are too dependent on him. It becomes a burden if you lean on him too much. He is only human, and he has his own problems. Show him that you’l be an equal partner, which means that you also have something to contribute. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #20 He must feel that you choose to be with him, not that you need to be with him. Only then will he perceive you as an equal partner. The mere fact that the bitch can throw a little weight around or put him in his place once in a while gives him the impression she doesn’t need to be with him. She can stand on her own two feet. So, instead of feeling as if he’s lost his freedom, he feels as though he’s gained a strong woman. The relationship is a contributing force, rather than an obligation he’s stuck with. This is also why giving him space is so important. It makes you look proud rather than desperate. It enables you to remain a chalenge indefinitely. Why? You chose to be with him. You didn’t need to be. As a person, you feel you are complete with him or without him. This is the most important thing you can convey: independence rather than dependence. This is what gives him the perception you can hold your own. 3 THE OceanofPDF.com Candy STORE How to Make the Most of OceanofPDF.com Your Feminine and Sexual Powers “Sex is like a smal business. Ya’ gotta watch over it.” —MAE WEST OceanofPDF.com One Jujube at a Time If you look at the run-of-the-mil survey of what men find attractive in a woman, you’l get the basic, boring, predictable answers: “Studies have concluded that what men look for is... appearance, chemistry, and the way a woman carries herself.” What a shocker! Then you turn the page. “Buy a new lip gloss... pluck out al your eyebrows and draw them back in... stick three vials of colagen in your glossed-up lips...” And this wil get him eating out of your hand, right? Not in this life. You’l be right back where you started but with no eyebrows. Ever wonder why you see a gorgeous guy marry the girl-nextdoor? To your eye she looks plain, but to his eye she’s a “natural beauty.” It doesn’t matter if her most glamorous moment was winning the Miss Pumpkin Patch contest on a farm at age six. When he goes to bed with her, he’s happier than a fat rat in a cheese factory. In general, there are two things a woman does to encourage a man to fal madly in love after he is attracted to her. First, she appeals to his imagination, sexualy. Second, she waits a little while before consummating the relationship, sexualy. This brings us to the “candy store” theory: Don’t give up the candy store at once. Give it one jujube at a time. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #21 If a man has to wait before he sleeps with a woman, he’ll not only perceive her as more beautiful, he’ll also take time OceanofPDF.com to appreciate who she is. What men don’t want women to know is that, almost immediately, they put women into one of two categories: “good time only” or “worthwhile.” And the minute he slides you into that “good time only” category, you’l almost never come back out. It’s not that the bitch is slutty or more conservative—it’s that she demands that he treat her as though she is “worth-while.” And, more often than not, it means revealing her sexuality a little at a time. With her demeanor, the bitch is subtly “driving that train.” Because he perceives her as slightly standoffish, he knows a lot of other men can’t get to her. In fact, he’s not even sure if he can have her. So he’l rarely get the luxury of being able to assume that she’s a “good time only” companion. The doormat is more likely to be perceived as a pushover sexualy because she’s more likely to sleep with a man for the wrong reasons—and much too soon. It has nothing to do with whether she appears conservative. Whether her style is long skirts and a ponytail and she attends napkin-folding class— or she wears sexy clothes and seems like a party girl—the out-come can be the same. In either scenario, if she has sex with a man because she feels she needs to do so in order to win him, he’l sense it and begin to lose respect for her. A man named Brad described this distinction: “There are two types of sexy. The woman who is obviously trying to be sexy. Then there is the woman who isn’t trying to be sexy—she just is. Most guys find the second one to be much sexier. It may not seem like that, because the woman who is trying hard wil get you to do a double-take because she’s more obvious about it. But the woman who isn’t trying is sexier. And that’s the girl you’l take seriously.” What is more interesting is that Brad is just out of colege. And if a guy in his early twenties saw this with 20/20 vision, rest assured— so wil most men you meet. The folowing table shows how a man can quickly make these observations with relatively little information. Note that both types of women exude sexiness, yet one appears needy and the other doesn’t. A “GOOD TIME ONLY” WOMAN VS. A “WORTHWHILE” WOMAN She talks a lot about sex on She flirts more subtly and the first date or in the first uses body language to phone conversation. convey her sensuality. She wears an outfit that is She shows one physical very short, showing leg, attribute. Or she wears cleavage, and back. Her something that’s slightly sexuality is overstated. She sheer. Her sexuality seems fol ows the pattern of what like it’s a part of who she is. he sees al the time. It doesn’t seem forced. She keeps him interested She compliments him by giving him compliments incessantly or hangs al over when he’s hoping to have him. sex, so he feels he’s “in the game.” She hangs the same nightie on the back of her bathroom She wears a black lace door, so he sees it when he teddy for him on the third uses her bathroom. Then his date, leaving nothing for him eyes almost burn a hole to imagine. through her clothes as he imagines seeing her in it. On the second date she invites him in. He promised They kiss passionately at they’d “just cuddle.” They the door. She’d love to invite end up sleeping together; him in, but she controls her but she ends up feeling own urges and tel s him insecure about it. He has insecure about it. He has good night on her porch. then had the whole candy store. The spark doesn’t fizzle... The spark fizzles. it ignites. How long should you wait before having sex? As long as you can. At the very least, keep it platonic for the first month. This tactic gives you time to learn about him. You don’t want to wait until after you sleep with him to learn he’s married. Or that he has an ex-girlfriend who has chronic car problems and regularly needs a lift. Or that his first cousin recently dumped him when he cheated on her with her older sister. Giving up the candy store one jujube at a time isn’t about being celibate or virginal. It is about ensuring that you look out for number one. It ensures that the man develops a habit of putting forth effort so that you are treated the way you want to be treated. Not having sex right away is about playing your cards right so that smal things matter. This is when he’l get a chil down his spine because you gently hold his hand in a public place. Or he’l cal you several times just to get a glimpse of you. And in his mind, you are the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. It’s al about having that magic spark. And men live for that spark. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #22 Sex and the “spark” are not one and the same. OceanofPDF.com A Sweeter Victory If a man feels as though he has to win you over first—sexualy with his manliness, wit, or charm—he wil place a higher value on you. Men are possessive. He likes knowing that other men cannot easily get to where he is trying to go. Like he’s Captain Kirk and Christopher Columbus al wrapped up in one, he wants to explore new terrain not trampled on by too many men before him. And he judges whether you make “the rounds” by one thing and one thing only: how quickly you give it up to him. It is true that there are those rare “chance” liaisons between two people who are generaly not promiscuous, and it ends up working out wel. But this is the exception, not the rule. One of my closest girlfriends, Brittany, is a pharmacist and a beautiful “worthwhile” woman with a lot going for her. Almost always, she sleeps with a man on the first couple of dates. Recently she slept with a guy she realy liked. Right after they had sex, he appeared to be in his own thoughts. Then he looked at her and asked, “Do you do this with al the guys?” She recaled how it made her feel: “I was mildly insulted!” If you have sex immediately with a man, he’l say to himself, for a short while, “She just couldn’t resist me!” But then he’l begin to scratch his head and wonder how many other men you also couldn’t resist. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #23 Before sex, a man isn’t thinking clearly and a woman is thinking clearly. After sex, it reverses. The man is thinking clearly and the woman isn’t. When sex happens at lightning speed, the man has achieved what he wanted. The reason he thinks more clearly after sex is that he’s relieved and has already attained his goal. Meanwhile, the woman is just starting to pursue her goal. She has unfinished business. Then she chases him... and he runs. Like it or not, in the beginning you’re subtly negotiating the terms of your relationship. And if you strike a deal too soon, you give up al your bargaining power. The bitch takes her time deciding whether the man is someone she wants to strike a deal with in the first place. And she won’t be a pit stop or a notch on a belt. At first, he wants to sleep with you. He doesn’t care what you do for a living. He doesn’t care what kind of car you drive. He doesn’t care that you like a doughnut and coffee in the morning with Equal and nonfat milk. So you have to turn it into something else. When you make him wait, he begins to notice that you are “different.” And that’s when he begins to care that you like nonfat milk, not cream, in your coffee. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #24 Every man wants to have sex first; whether he wants a girlfriend is something he thinks about later. By not giving him what he wants up front, you become his girlfriend without him realizing it. Men like the game that women find maddening. Picture the folowing scenario: A red-blooded American male is watching a Super Bowl game in which the score is 47 to 3. That’s not very exciting, right? But if he’s watching a Super Bowl game that goes into overtime—now he’s on the edge of his seat for three hours. His team triumphs and he starts screaming: “Yes! Yes!” His favorite sports idol on TV is now spanking everyone else on the rear while he’s breaking out the drinks for a celebration. Ten years later, if you were to ask him about that game-winning final play, he’d describe it as though it happened yesterday. The same thing happens when a woman gives herself over slowly. He becomes much more excited about it. This may sound “old school,” but rest assured it is advice based on countless interviews I conducted with men, both young and old. A perfect example is Nathan. He just turned twenty-five, and he does pretty wel with the ladies. Here’s what he had to say, word-for-word: If she gives it up too soon, we stop with the romance and we stop working at it. And truthfully, we’d rather be working hard at it. We enjoy playing the game, and if it ends too soon, we’re disappointed. We even struggle inside, subconsciously. We know we want to get it, but we know we want the girl to make us wait. Otherwise, it’s a one- or a two-time thing. And then you move on. Granted, there are some men who don’t want to invest any effort. These are the men who subscribe to the “three-date rule.” This rule holds that if a woman doesn’t put out by the third date, the man should stop pursuing her altogether. There are men who truly want to find a woman they can spend time with. However, the “three-date rule” is for men who have ruled out this option entirely; they just want to hit and run. If a man leaves because he didn’t score by the third date, it’s a clear signal he would have left after getting it anyway. The nice girl is more likely to feel obligated, pressured, or manipulated to sleep with a man early on. She sleeps with him and then believes she’l hook him with great sex, as though what she has to offer sexualy is “golden.” The bitch understands that the sex only becomes “golden” when he doesn’t get it right away. Don’t be misled by the fact that men want it quick and they are accustomed to having it be easy. If given the option, most men would love to know how much it would take—the bottom-line dolar figure—to get a woman into bed. It’s almost as if there is an unspoken transaction between the guy and the nice girl, in which a bartered transaction takes place: “Lookie, here. I’m wiling to spend the equivalent of two dinners, a bouquet of flowers, and a movie— for a grand total of $255.92. And not a penny more.” He budgets how much he can spend and wants to know how much it wil cost. The bitch is smarter. She knows that if he’s not pursuing her, he’l pursue someone else. So whatever his budget is, large or smal, she makes sure it is spent on her and on no one else. In her mind, she’s the best investment he’l ever make. The “three-date rule” wil fal on deaf ears with the bitch. She’l let the guy walk—and she won’t barter. He wil end up marrying the woman who doesn’t play by his rules; she plays by her own. Since she has no problem alowing the words See ya later to trip lightly off her tongue, he usualy doesn’t feel as if he can get away with disrespecting her. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #25 A man intuitively senses whether sexuality comes from a place of security or from a place of neediness. He knows when a woman is having sex to appease him. Unlike the nice girl, the bitch believes that she has much more to offer than just her sexuality. So she has sex when the feeling strikes her—if and when she’s comfortable with the relationship. She is plenty sexy, which is precisely why she doesn’t throw it out there as if it’s al she has. After they consummate the relationship, this doesn’t change. He is stil unable to predict when he wil make love to her. He doesn’t know if it wil happen Tuesday or Wednesday. Or Saturday or Sunday. So the mystery and the chase never go away, and he never quite feels he has fuly conquered her. And that is because when she has sex with him it’s on her terms. When sex happens early on because the nice girl wants desperately to hold on to a man, his behavior changes completely The dinners, the candlelight, the flowers—it al comes to a screeching halt. Instead of taking her out to dinner and a movie, now he’s dropping by unannounced with a video because he already knows what’s going to happen. However, when a woman makes him wait and he’s romantic over time, the dinners and the flowers keep on coming. Why? Because he formed the habit of treating her with respect before he got what he wanted. ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #26 Bad habits are easier to form than good ones, because good habits require conscious effort. OceanofPDF.com Waiting encourages this effort. A quality guy wil stick around as long as he is being reassured in two areas: He wants to know that he is sexualy desirable to you, and he wants to see signs that he is stil in “the game.” As long as he can see the light at the end of the tunnel, he’l continue to make his way down the tunnel. However, it won’t take much for him to get a mixed message or to feel he’s being teased. Therefore, the next section wil help you with the delicate balancing act you’l need to perform so he does not feel as though you are teasing him. OceanofPDF.com The Jujube Installment Plan As you’re making a concerted effort to keep the relationship out of the bedroom, remember his objective wil be different than yours. You want your feet on the floor; he wants them in the air. It’s not necessarily helpful that you absolutely dig the guy and that you are just as turned on as he is. Giving him a mixed message wil be easy, because he’s ever so sexy and he’s trying to seduce you. And he’l be on the lookout for any signal whatsoever that you’ve given him a green light. So it’s important to keep the signals very clear: Red means no. Green means go. Yel ow means you’re a tease, which wil piss him off. For example, perhaps your top comes off, or there’s a little bit of grinding action while you’re kissing on the couch. A few minutes later, he’l think you’re ready to rol. This is not the time to say, “No, I’m just not ready.” Teling him this is like taking candy away from a child after you’ve already let him taste it. You can’t titilate him to the point of no return and then say, “No, I just don’t feel right about it.” He’l be thinking, “How do you not feel right about it when you’re topless, you’ve been grinding me for an hour, and your pants are unbuttoned?” ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #27 If you pull the sexual plug at the last minute, he’ll label you a tease. This is where we get the term hot and bothered. After he’s no longer hot, he wil be pissed off and “bothered.” He’l have far less desire to engage in the game because you’ve taken al the fun out of it. He no longer thinks you are playing fair, and his feelings wil change from lust to resentment. If he feels he’s being teased, he may stop pursuing you altogether. Think about it. You can’t show a dog a T-bone steak for an hour and then throw him a celery stick. If you want a man to respect you, you have to play fair. The folowing guidelines wil alow you to delay the time before you have sex without being perceived as a tease: In the beginning, try not to be alone at his place or at yours, especial y very late at night. Do things social y that require that you to meet somewhere in public. Or have him pick you up and then have somewhere to go. Do fun things during the daylight hours. If you go biking, it wil seem like a red light. But if you’re

Why Men Love Bitches PDF

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