Ch.10 - Attraction & Intamacy (1).pdf

3 applied topics related to intimacy and attraction; 1. Online or video dating 2. The dissolution of relationships (divorce) 3. Loneliness Online Dating Services - Services; Tinder, plenty of fish in the se, Hinge, Bumble, EHarmony, Grinder, Speedating - There are common ones and speciality ones t...

3 applied topics related to intimacy and attraction; 1. Online or video dating 2. The dissolution of relationships (divorce) 3. Loneliness Online Dating Services - Services; Tinder, plenty of fish in the se, Hinge, Bumble, EHarmony, Grinder, Speedating - There are common ones and speciality ones that relate to age, religion, etc. Why use them? - Efficiency - Relatively anxiety free - Rational method - Not many are actually rational because they don't do a personal assessment of you Why not use them? - People misrepresent themselves - Not many of these cites are personalised - No methodology to them, no “matchmaking” - They just aren't very rational How can you use the research and see what factors are that affect interpersonal attraction? Ex; Great Expectations Video Service in LA Steps; 1. Pay 495$ US 2. Complete questionnaire and attach a photo to the back (we will call these protocols), and do a 5 minute video interview 3. Look at other’s protocols and select a few people whose video you want to view (the video selection phase) 4. When you see someone you like, Great Expectations sends them a notice, they then come in and view your profile and video. If they like you, it's a date! - Not very common to collect info ahead of time. WHY NOT? Demographics 1. Who I am? 2. What I like to do? 3. What am I looking for? - How would you study these protocols/factors? - What are the factors influencing behaviour in these applied settings? - What does the textbook say about factors influencing interpersonal attraction? Woll Phase 1 - Factors influencing videotape selection - Physical attractiveness? Maybe not. - Why not; 1. Amount of information at Great Expectations 2. 3. 4. 5. Motivation; payed money, want other things The clientele; older The GE clients did not mention attractiveness as a quality they were looking for The “Matching Principle” - Despite what ever aspiration we may have for a partner, we generally end up with someone at the same level of desirability, attractiveness, etc. as ourselves Methodology of Woll’s Study - Ss were 40 male and 40 female GE clients - He used “think aloud” protocol; people went through the book of protocols and asked to speak out loud the things they were considering while viewing the profiles Results of Phase 1; - Age and attractiveness were mentioned by 85-90% of GE clients - 37 out of 80 people said that they looked at the photo first, didnt read their information until after they saw the picture at the back of the protocol - This tendency to mention age and physical attractiveness was the same for both genders - The only evidence of the matching principle was a preference for age similarity EXCEPT that men were a bit more likely to want a younger woman AND women were more likely to want an older man. WHY? - Stereotypes i.e. maturity, financials Phase 2 - Factors influencing date selection - From the videotapes; - Measures of “personality” = IV; 1. Self monitoring skill in monitoring and controlling behaviour in social interactions M.Synder 2. Nonverbal, emotional expressiveness - Measures of behaviour in the videotaped interviews = IV 1. Nonverbal behaviours (smiles, head movements, eye contact) 2. Physica; attractiveness as rated by raters 3. Overall likeability as rated by trained raters The Dependant Variables; 1. Measures of popularity - Times selected per month - Ratio of dates asked to dates received 2. Activity Level - How many dates did each client ask for? Results from Phase 2; - Popularity was primarily related to; - Physical attractiveness - Overall likeability - People aspired upwards; - those with the highest activity levels were those who are less attractive, less likeable, and engaged in less smiling - This is contrary to the matching principle Gender differences; - Characteristics of popular women; Less extroverted, less expressive (less eye contact and less smiling, shy and demure) - Characteristics of popular men; More expressive and outgoing (more smiles, eye contact, head movements, etc.) Question: does GE do a disservice to women? Self monitoring did not predict any of the dependent variables. WHY NOT? Methodological considerations; - Ss quickly forgot they were being observed - Led to mundane realism - Woll used trained raters for these measures, and we must consider the issue of inter rater reliability - This is a correlational study Divorce Cultural Influence on Divorce Rates - Understanding a culture's values is crucial for predicting divorce rates. - It distinguishes between individualistic and communal cultures, highlighting how their views on love and obligation affect divorce rates. - Individualistic cultures prioritise personal fulfilment and passion in marriage, leading to higher pressure on the relationship. - A comparison between American and Japanese women's views on keeping romance alive in marriage is provided. Changing Dynamics of Marriage: - Recent times have seen a shift in marriage dynamics, with couples expecting more fulfilment but investing fewer resources. - Eli Finkel and colleagues argue that this creates a challenging equation for marriage in individualistic societies. The Role of Commitment: - It highlights that long-lasting, stable relationships are rooted in enduring love, satisfaction, and commitment. - Factors such as fear of being single and the desire to avoid growing old alone drive people to persist in unsatisfying relationships. The Success Factors of Marriage: - a combination of these factors greatly increases the likelihood of a long-lasting marriage - Married after the age of 20 - Both grew up in stable 2 parent homes - Dated for a long while before marriage - Similarly educated - Stable income from good job - Live in small town or farm - Did not cohabitate - Did not conceive pregnancy before marriage - Religiously committed - Similar in age, faith, and religion - Have children Divorce Effects On Children - Studies usually compare children of divorced and not divorced families which don't account for other variables - Should instead compare to families where the marriage is not working out (there is hostility and tension) but they stay married => this impact could be even worse - People get divorced to improve the situation, just need to ensure it improves the situation for children Historical Perspective: - the historical perspective that values stable friendship, compatible backgrounds, interests, habits, and values over the fleeting passion of love as a basis for marriage. The Detachment Process The Emotional Impact of Relationship Endings: - close relationships play a crucial role in shaping our self-concept and social identity. - parallels between the joy of beginning relationships, such as having a baby or falling in love, and the distress of ending relationships, whether due to death or a broken bond. - concept of emotional detachment as a vital part of the process of moving on from a lost relationship. The Evolutionary Aspect of Detaching from Relationships: - the "mate rejection module" proposed by evolutionary psychologists, highlighting the existence of psychological mechanisms for detaching from relationships. - deep and long-standing attachments do not break quickly, emphasising that detaching is a gradual process, not an abrupt event. The Pain of Breakups and Relationship Costs: - impact of breakups on dating couples, where the closer and longer the relationship, and the fewer available alternatives, the more painful the breakup. - People often recall more pain from rejecting someone's love than from being rejected themselves, attributing this to feelings of guilt, sadness over the lover's persistence, and uncertainty. - In the context of married couples, the breakup carries additional costs, including the shock of parents and friends, guilt over broken vows, reduced household income, and potential effects on children. Coping with Failing Relationships: - three ways of coping with failing relationships: 1. loyalty (waiting for conditions to improve) - - 2. neglect (allowing the relationship to deteriorate) 3. addressing issues and actively seeking improvements. Studies show that unhappy couples tend to engage in disagreement, criticism, and negative interactions, while happy couples more often agree, approve, and have positive interactions. Effective communication, conflict resolution, and positive behaviors are essential in maintaining a healthy relationship. The Power of Actions in Stirring Feelings: - actions and behaviors can influence feelings in relationships. - eye gazing between unacquainted individuals resulted in feelings of attraction and affection, suggesting that intimate actions can stir emotions. - Enacting and expressing love is believed to be transformative in evolving initial passion into enduring love. Loneliness - Not related to number of friends you have - It is a difference between your perceived and desired level of relationships - Has a lot to do with the quality of these relationships - Scale of loneliness; PEPLAU 2 things about lonely people; 1. Overly sensitive to signs of friendliness 2. Overly sensitive to signs of rejection - Can create positive feedback loop; - Loneliness => makes a friend but comes on too strong => friend says “back off” b/c you're coming on too strong => perceived rejection => creates more loneliness - Can spiral into depression Proximity - Geographical nearness. Proximity (more precisely, “functional distance”) powerfully predicts liking Proximity in Forming Friendships: - proximity is a powerful predictor of whether two people will become friends. - study where students were randomly assigned to seats in their first class, and a year later, they reported greater friendship with those who were seated next to or near them during that initial class meeting. - This illustrates how even simple physical proximity can foster liking and friendship among individuals. Proximity and Hostility: - While proximity can lead to positive relationships, the text acknowledges that it can also breed hostility. - It mentions that many assaults and murders involve people who live close to each other, suggesting that close proximity can sometimes lead to negative outcomes. Proximity in Romantic Relationships: - Most people marry someone who shares their proximity, such as living in the same neighbourhood, working at the same company, or attending the same school. - A significant percentage of people who are married or in long-term relationships met at work, school, or other places where their paths naturally crossed. The Prevalence of Proximity in Relationships: - In a survey of people in relationships, 38 percent met at work or at school, while others met through shared experiences in their neighbourhood, church, gym, or during their upbringing. - the chances are high that one's future spouse will have lived, worked, or studied within walking distance, highlighting the pervasive influence of proximity in relationship formation. Interaction - frequent interaction and exposure to others play a significant role in developing liking and affection, even when there may be potential for both friendship and animosity in close proximity. - Even more significant than geographical distance is functional distance Functional Distance: - how often people's paths cross, is often more significant than geographical distance in shaping relationships. Common Spaces: - People tend to become friends with individuals who use the same entrances, parking lots, and recreational areas, indicating that shared spaces promote interactions and relationships. University Roommates: - Randomly assigned university roommates, who have frequent interactions, are more likely to become good friends than enemies, emphasizing the impact of functional distance on relationships. Cross-Sex Friendships: - changes in living arrangements, such as men and women occupying different areas of the same dormitories and sharing common spaces, can lead to more frequent cross-sex friendships. Interaction and Exploration: - Frequent interaction allows people to explore their similarities, sense each other's liking, and perceive themselves as a social unit. Effect of Time Spent Together: - Research shows that strangers tend to like each other more the longer they talk, highlighting the positive impact of repeated interactions. Imprinting and Romantic Love: - Romantic love can be similar to ducklings' imprinting, where individuals bond with those who are near. - Repeated exposure to someone can lead to infatuation with anyone who shares similar characteristics and reciprocates affection. Proximity and Liking: - Proximity promotes liking because of the increased availability and ease of getting to know someone nearby. - People tend to like their roommates or those in close proximity better than those farther away. Anticipation of interaction - not only does physical proximity enable people to discover commonalities and exchange rewards, but simply anticipating interaction with someone can boost liking. Studies: - Studies by John Darley and Ellen Berscheid found that people tend to prefer individuals they anticipate having intimate or dating interactions with. - Even in situations where people may not have chosen each other, such as roommates, siblings, or coworkers, anticipating liking can enhance the quality of the relationship. Adaptive Phenomenon: - The phenomenon of anticipatory liking is considered adaptive because it increases the likelihood of forming rewarding and positive relationships, contributing to better interactions and, consequently, happier and more productive living. Mere Exposure Effects - the tendency for novel stimuli to be liked more or rated more positively after the rater has been repeatedly exposed to them - More than 200 experiments have revealed that familiarity and repeated exposure do not breed contempt but instead foster fondness. - This phenomenon is known as the mere exposure effect. - The mere exposure effect suggests that familiarity and repeated exposure can increase liking, and it has a significant impact on various aspects of human perception, preferences, and decision-making, from personal choices to political strategies and advertising. Novel Stimuli and Mere Exposure: - Simply being repeatedly exposed to various novel stimuli, including nonsense syllables, Chinese characters, musical selections, and faces, leads people to rate them more positively. Examples of Mere Exposure: - Exposure to stimuli, even when they are novel or meaningless, can increase liking. - Students preferred words they had seen most frequently, regardless of their meaning. - Hurricanes with frequently mentioned names influenced baby names. Personal Preferences: - People tend to have preferences for letters and numbers that are related to their names or birthdates, demonstrating that mere exposure influences personal preferences. Adaptive Significance: - The mere exposure effect is considered to have "enormous adaptive significance" as it predisposes human attractions and attachments. - It helps categorise things and people as familiar and safe or unfamiliar and possibly dangerous. Negative Side of Mere Exposure: - While the mere exposure effect promotes liking for the familiar, it can also lead to wariness of the unfamiliar, potentially explaining automatic prejudice against those who are different. Effect on Self-Perception: - People tend to like their mirror image more than their true image when given a choice, and close friends prefer the true image. - Frequent selfies may impact this perception. Exploitation in Advertising and Politics: - Advertisers and politicians exploit the mere exposure effect by using repetition to increase sales or votes, even when people have no strong feelings about a product or candidate. - Candidates with more media exposure tend to win in politics. Attractiveness and Dating - physical attractiveness is a significant factor in dating, but other qualities and emotional connections can also play a vital role in forming relationships. - The importance of physical attractiveness may vary by gender and context, and it can influence not only dating but also political and employment decisions. - Physical attractiveness plays a significant role in dating and mate selection. - Studies have shown that a person's physical attractiveness can predict how frequently they date. - Men tend to value attractiveness in a mate more than women. Gender Differences: - Women tend to prefer a mate who is homely and warm over one who is attractive but cold. - Men tend to rank attractiveness as more important in a mate. - The wife's physical attractiveness predicts the husband's marital satisfaction more than the husband's attractiveness predicts the wife's satisfaction. Importance of Physical Attractiveness: - Research on speed-dating has found that physical attractiveness is important to both men and women when deciding whom to date. - A meta-analysis of 97 studies indicates that both men and women place a fairly high importance on physical attractiveness in dating. Impact of Time and Friendship: - Over time, in friendships and relationships that develop through jobs or friendships, the importance of physical attractiveness diminishes as people focus more on each other's unique qualities. Falling in Love with Initial Attraction: - A significant percentage of women and men report falling in love with someone they were not initially attracted to. - This suggests that emotional connection and personality can play a role in attraction. Looks in Politics and Employment: - Physical attractiveness also influences voting, as voters tend to prefer candidates who look competent. - Heterosexual individuals may display a positive bias toward attractive job candidates and university applicants of the opposite sex. The Matching Phenomenon - The tendency for men and women to choose partners who are a “good match” in attractiveness and other traits - people tend to pair off with individuals who are similar in attractiveness to themselves. - This pattern is observed in married couples, dating partners, and even within fraternities. - People tend to select friends and partners who are a "good match" not only in attractiveness but also in terms of intelligence, popularity, and self-worth. - Experiments confirm that individuals approach and invest more in pursuing someone whose attractiveness is roughly similar to their own. - Good physical matches, where partners are similar in attractiveness, tend to lead to deeper love in relationships. - On the other hand, couples who are dissimilar in attractiveness are more likely to consider leaving the relationship for someone else. - In cases where partners differ in perceived "hotness," the less attractive person often possesses compensating qualities that create an equitable match. - Each partner brings different assets to the relationship. - Personal advertisements and online dating profiles often exhibit an exchange of assets. - Men tend to offer wealth or status and seek youth and attractiveness, while women may seek attributes like wealth, education, or status. - The asset-matching process helps explain why younger and more attractive women may marry older men with higher social status, as the man's wealth and status compensate for the age difference. The physical-attractiveness stereotype - The presumption that physically attractive people possess other socially desirable traits as well: What is beautiful is good. - Physical attractiveness has a significant impact on how people are perceived, beyond just sexual attractiveness. - Studies have shown that individuals with facial disfigurements or scars are often perceived as less intelligent, emotionally stable, and trustworthy. - Both adults and young children exhibit a bias towards attractive individuals. - Even three-month-old infants prefer to gaze at attractive faces, and teachers tend to perceive attractive children as more intelligent and successful in school. - People tend to assume that beautiful individuals possess certain desirable traits. These traits may include being happier, sexually warmer, more outgoing, intelligent, and successful. However, attractiveness does not necessarily correlate with honesty. The findings collectively define a "physical-attractiveness stereotype," suggesting that people tend to believe that what is beautiful is good. This stereotype is often learned early, including through stories and media portrayals. Studies have shown that people judged individuals as kinder, more sensitive, sexually warm, and likeable after cosmetic surgery Physical attractiveness has a profound impact on how individuals are perceived, and these perceptions often extend beyond mere aesthetics, influencing judgments about personality traits and other characteristics. First Impressions - attractiveness can have a profound impact on first impressions, influencing judgments in various aspects of life, including employment and product preferences, often yielding economic benefits to those perceived as more attractive. - Attractiveness plays a significant role in making first impressions and influencing judgments, particularly when evaluating superficial aspects. - First impressions matter, especially in societies that are mobile and urbanised where fleeting interactions are common. - Attractiveness has a stronger effect on first impressions and can significantly affect initial judgments. - Attractiveness and grooming can affect first impressions during job interviews, with attractiveness being particularly influential, especially when the evaluator is of another sex. - This impact is often denied but still plays a role. - New products are rated more favourably when they are associated with attractive inventors, showing how attractiveness can influence people's perceptions and preferences. - Attractive people and taller individuals tend to have more prestigious jobs and earn higher incomes. - Research demonstrates that even modest differences in rated attractiveness can lead to significant variations in earnings. - First impressions are formed rapidly, sometimes within fractions of a second, and they influence cognitive processes. - Attractive faces can influence how words are categorised, promoting more positive processing. The "Beautiful is Good" Stereotype: - Historically, the "beautiful is good" stereotype has been prevalent, suggesting that attractive people possess desirable personality traits. - However, research has shown that this stereotype is not entirely accurate. - - - Physically attractive individuals do not significantly differ from others in basic personality traits such as agreeableness, openness, extroversion, ambition, or emotional stability. There are some small differences between attractive and unattractive individuals. Attractive children and young adults tend to be somewhat more relaxed, outgoing, and socially polished. These slight differences may result from self-fulfilling prophecies, where attractive individuals are treated more favourably, leading to increased social self-confidence. The "beautiful is good" stereotype extends to online contexts. For example, women rated the text of attractive men's dating website profiles as more desirable and confident, even without seeing their photos. The small differences in social behaviour among attractive individuals are likely a result of being valued and favoured, which may lead to the development of greater social self-confidence. How people treat you and how you feel about yourself play a crucial role in your social skills. While there are some small differences in social behaviour between attractive and unattractive individuals, these differences likely result from societal treatment and self-fulfilling prophecies rather than intrinsic personality traits associated with physical attractiveness. Who is attractive? - Attractiveness is not an objective quality but rather varies depending on the cultural, societal, and individual preferences of any given place and time. - Different cultures have distinct beauty standards and may value characteristics such as nose piercings, body shape, or skin colour differently. - Despite these variations, there is still strong agreement both within and across cultures about who is considered attractive. - Ironically, perfectly average faces tend to be perceived as highly attractive. - Researchers have created composite faces by averaging multiple faces using a computer, and people generally find these composite faces more appealing than individual faces - Attractive individuals tend to have symmetrical features. - Creating a perfectly symmetrical face by merging both halves can enhance one's attractiveness. - Averaging the features of several attractive, symmetrical faces can result in an even more appealing appearance. Evolution and attraction Evolutionary Perspective on Attractiveness: - Psychologists from an evolutionary perspective suggest that humans have a preference for attractive partners because attractiveness signals biologically important information such as health, youth, and fertility. Biological Significance of Attractiveness: - Men with attractive faces tend to have higher-quality sperm, and women with hourglass figures often have more regular menstrual cycles and higher fertility. Evolutionary Factors in Mate Preferences: - Evolution may predispose women to seek traits in men that signify the ability to provide and protect resources, while men may prioritise physical attractiveness in women. - Both sexes value kindness and intelligence in potential mates. Cues to Reproductive Success: - Men are generally attracted to women with waist-to-hip ratios indicating peak fertility, while women tend to prefer men with attributes that suggest health and vigour. - Muscularity in men is often considered attractive. Changes in Behavior During Ovulation: - Women may show increased accuracy in judging male sexual orientation and increased wariness of out-group men during ovulation. - Ovulating women may also dress more provocatively and engage in more financially rewarding activities, such as lap dancing. Primal Attractions: - Evolutionary psychologists suggest that our preferences in attraction and mating are driven by innate, primal factors that are too important to be solely influenced by culture. Social Comparison - Attraction is influenced by social comparison standards. - Exposure to idealised and unrealistic depictions of attractiveness in media, including pornography, can lead individuals to find their own partners less appealing. - Viewing very attractive individuals can make people rate themselves as less attractive. - Exposure to more dominant and successful individuals can deflate men's self-rated desirability. - The constant exposure to attractive and successful individuals in modern media, far more than our ancestors experienced, can negatively impact self-esteem and satisfaction with partners. - Unrealistic comparison standards can lead to devaluing potential mates, lower self-esteem, and significant expenditures on cosmetic procedures. The Attractiveness of Those We Love - A 17-year-old's facial attractiveness is a weak predictor of their attractiveness at ages 30 and 50. - Average-looking adolescents can become quite attractive middle-aged adults. - We perceive attractive people as likeable, and conversely, we perceive likeable people as attractive. - As we grow to like someone, their physical imperfections become less noticeable. - Discovering similarities with someone makes them seem more attractive. The more in love a person is with someone, the more physically attractive they find them. In contrast, they find all others of the opposite sex less attractive. This effect is particularly pronounced in people in more committed relationships. Beauty is to some extent in the eye of the beholder, influenced by personal perceptions and emotions. Liking Begets Liking - Similarity Leads to Liking - Numerous studies have demonstrated that the more similar someone's attitudes are to your own, the more you will like that person. - Babies as young as eleven months are more likely to choose stuffed animals that pretend to eat the same food or wear the same colour mittens that they do, indicating a preference for similar others. - People not only like those who think similarly but also those who act similarly. - Subtle mimicry increases rapport and fondness, contributing to the principle of similarity attracting people. - In cultures as diverse as China, Israel, and California, similar attitudes, traits, and values help bring couples together and predict their satisfaction. - Online dating sites often use the principle of similarity to match users with similar others, expanding their potential pool of dates, although the actual outcomes are unpredictable. Dissimilarity Breeds Dislike - False Consensus Bias: - We tend to assume that others share our attitudes, and we see people we like as more similar to us. - Discovering that someone is dissimilar to us tends to decrease our liking for them, particularly if these dissimilarities relate to strong moral convictions. - People often have a stronger negative reaction towards those with dissimilar attitudes, especially within their own groups. - Close relationships often involve partners becoming more similar in their emotional responses to events and attitudes, which helps sustain these relationships. - Whether people perceive others of a different race as similar or dissimilar greatly affects their racial attitudes. - Similarity of mindset often plays a more significant role in attraction than similarity of race. - Cultural differences exist and can lead to conflict when one group perceives another as fundamentally different. - Cultural diversity is a growing challenge in multicultural societies, and respecting and appreciating differences is vital for coexistence and progress. Do Opposites attract? - People are attracted to individuals whose scent suggests dissimilar genes, which helps prevent inbreeding. - When it comes to physical traits and attributes, similarity is often the prevailing factor. - Research on friends' and spouses' attitudes, beliefs, age, religion, race, and many other aspects consistently shows that similarity tends to be the norm. - Even when people are feeling down, they tend to prefer the company of happy individuals over those with contrasting personalities. - The contrast between moods can be agitating for people who are feeling blue. - While some complementarity may evolve in a relationship over time, the general trend suggests that similarities attract, rather than differences. Complementarity Myth: - The idea that people are attracted to those whose needs and personalities complement their own is not well-supported by research. - While it seems logical, studies show that people generally prefer individuals who are similar to themselves in terms of needs and personalities. Complementarity The popularly supposed tendency, in a relationship between two people, for each to complete what is missing in the other Liking Those Who Like Us Reciprocal Liking: - Liking is often mutual. - When one person likes another, it tends to lead to the other person liking them in return. - People's reports of how they fall in love support this idea, and experiments have confirmed it. - Discovering that someone likes you can awaken romantic feelings, and a hint of uncertainty can also increase attraction. Positive Information: - People are sensitive to the smallest hint of criticism and tend to be influenced more by negative information because it grabs more attention. - Bad information is often more powerful than good information, both in self-judgment and when judging others. Attribution Flattery and Praise: - Flattery can be effective, but its impact depends on whether it aligns with what we know to be true. - If flattery clearly contradicts the facts, it may lead to a loss of respect for the flatterer and raise suspicions about their motives. - Criticism is often perceived as more sincere than praise. Attributions Matter: - Our reactions to flattery and praise are influenced by the attributions we make. - If we believe the flattery is driven by ulterior motives like self-serving strategies, the effect can be negative. - However, when flattery appears genuine and free of hidden agendas, it is received warmly. Individual Differences: - People with low self-esteem tend to interpret compliments more narrowly, focusing on the literal meaning. - In contrast, those with high self-esteem attribute more abstract significance to compliments, understanding them as signs of attention, value, and care, which makes them feel more secure in their relationships. - People with low self-esteem can also benefit from compliments if they are encouraged to interpret them in a broader, relationship-affirming context. Ingratiation The use of strategies, such as flattery, by which people seek to gain another’s favour Gaining Another’s Esteem Changing Opinions and Liking: - Gaining someone's esteem after initial disapproval can lead to increased liking. - In an experiment, when people experienced a gradual change from negative to positive evaluations, they were well-liked. - This suggests that nice words, especially after criticism, may be more credible or gratifying. Constant Approval and Impact: - Constant approval may lose its impact, while honest, authentic relationships that express both positive and negative feelings tend to offer lasting rewards. - Relationships that allow for honest communication tend to be more satisfying and exciting over time. Self-Censorship and Correction: - In social interactions, people often self-censor negative feelings. - True friends and loved ones should provide honest feedback when needed, even if it's not always pleasant. - People who are in love tend to find those they love both physically and socially attractive. Idealisation in Relationships: - The happiest couples tend to have an idealised view of each other. - Newlyweds who see each other positively and approach problems without immediate criticism tend to have more satisfying marriages. - Honesty is important, but so is assuming the other person's basic goodness in a relationship. Relationship Rewards Attraction and Reward Theory: - Attraction is not only about the qualities of the other person but also about how we feel when we're with them. - The reward theory of attraction suggests that we like people who reward us or associate with good feelings. - When a relationship provides more rewards than costs, we tend to like it and want it to continue. Conditioning and Association: - Conditioning can create positive feelings toward people linked with rewarding events. - For example, we associate good feelings with those we spend relaxing and enjoyable moments with, leading to increased liking. - Experiments confirm the phenomenon of liking and disliking by association. Influences on Attraction: - The reward theory helps explain why people are attracted to those who are warm, trustworthy, and responsive. - Proximity is rewarding because it saves time and effort, and attractive people are perceived as offering desirable traits. - Shared opinions and being liked and loved are rewarding factors in attraction. Mutual Liking: - Liking is typically mutual. - We tend to like those who like us, which reinforces the reciprocity of attraction Reward theory of attraction the theory that we like those whose behaviour is rewarding to us or whole we associate with rewarding events Passionate Love - A state of intense longing for union with another. Passionate lovers are absorbed in one another; they feel ecstatic at attaining their partner’s love, and they are disconsolate on losing it. - Passionate love, a component of romantic love, is characterised by intense emotions, excitement, and longing for union with another person. - When reciprocated, it leads to feelings of fulfilment and joy, but when unrequited, it can result in emptiness and despair. - Passionate love includes a mix of elation and gloom, creating a preoccupation with thoughts of the loved one. Components of Love: - Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed a triangular model of love, consisting of three components: 1. Passion, 2. Intimacy 3. Commitment. - Passionate love primarily focuses on the intense emotional and physical aspects of love, such as infatuation and sexual attraction. Measuring Passionate Love: - Some observable signs of passionate love include prolonged eye contact, natural smiles, nodding, and leaning forward when talking to the loved one. In essence, passionate love is what people experience when they are "in love" with someone, characterised by a deep emotional and physical connection. A theory of passionate love - Passionate love, as described by Elaine Hatfield, can be understood through the theory that any intense state of arousal can be directed toward different emotions based on how we interpret it. - Passionate love involves both physiological arousal and the mental attribution of that arousal to a romantic stimulus. - It is essentially the psychological experience of being biologically aroused by someone we find attractive. - In experiments, men who experienced sexual arousal from erotic materials showed increased levels of passionate love when describing their girlfriends. - This suggests that the state of arousal intensifies feelings of love. - This phenomenon aligns with the two-factor theory of emotion, which suggests that people may misattribute their heightened arousal to a romantic context. - Passionate love is not solely a psychological experience but also has biological aspects. - Research indicates that it engages dopamine-rich brain areas associated with reward. - Love is a combination of lust and attachment, with passionate love being the result of sexual desire combined with a deepening friendship. Two-factor theory of emotion Arousal X its label = emotion Variations in Love: Culture and Gender - Most cultures have a concept of romantic love, but in some cultures, such as those with arranged marriages, love often follows rather than precedes marriage. Gender Differences in Passionate Love: - Studies show that men tend to fall in love more readily than women. - Men tend to fall out of love more slowly and are less likely to break up in premarital romances. - Surprisingly, in heterosexual relationships, men are often the first to say "I love you." - Women, once in love, are equally or more emotionally involved than men. - Women tend to feel euphoric, giddy, and focused on intimacy, while men tend to focus more on playful and physical aspects of the relationship Companionate Love - The affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined - Passionate love, which is intense and passionate, eventually fades. - After a few months to a couple of years, the intense emotions of romantic love tend to cool down. - Companionate love is a deep, affectionate attachment that follows passionate love. - It is more steady and less intense, characterised by affection and trust. The flow of romantic love is similar to addictions, where the initial thrill fades, and tolerance develops. In arranged marriages, people often report growing love over time, while love-based marriages may see diminishing feelings of love. The cooling of intense romantic love can lead to a period of disillusionment, especially for those who believe it's essential for a marriage to continue. In the long run, companionate love can deepen and strengthen a relationship, especially after children have left the family home. If the relationship has been intimate, mutually rewarding, and rooted in a shared life history, companionate love deepens. Attachment Styles - Secure attachment attachment rooted in trust and marked by intimacy - About 70% of infants and adults have secure attachment, characterised by trust and a blueprint for intimate relationships. - Secure adults are comfortable getting close to others and have satisfying and enduring relationships. - Avoidant attachment Attachments are marked by discomfort over, or resistance to, being close to others. An insecure attachment style. - Approximately 20% of infants and adults have avoidant attachment, with tendencies to avoid closeness and uncommitted hookups. - Approximately 20% of infants and adults have avoidant attachment, with tendencies to avoid closeness and uncommitted hookups. - Avoidant individuals may be either fearful or dismissive in their attachment style. - Anxious Attachment Attachment marked by anxiety or ambivalence. An insecure attachment style - Around 10% of infants and adults exhibit anxious attachment, marked by possessiveness, jealousy, and emotional reactions. - Anxious-ambivalent individuals are less trusting, possessive, and may experience fluctuating self-esteem. - Attachment styles may be attributed to parental responsiveness and early attachment experiences. - Attachment styles can last a lifetime and impact adult relationships, leading to more or less satisfaction and support. - Ideal pairings consist of at least one securely attached partner, while combinations of anxious and avoidant individuals may have more issues. - Early attachment styles lay foundations for future relationships. Equity in Relationships: - A condition in which the outcomes people receive from a relationship are proportional to what they contribute to it. - Equitable outcomes needn’t always be equal outcomes - The equity principle of attraction suggests that what each partner receives from a relationship should be proportional to what they contribute. Maintaining equity is essential for relationship satisfaction and fairness. Exchange of benefits helps maintain equity in relationships, but it becomes less rigid and more about mutual support in enduring relationships. A sense of equity is crucial in long-term partnerships and influences deal breakers like attentiveness, care, and respect. Long-Term Equity in Relationships: - Long-term relationships focus less on immediate equity and more on mutual support and understanding. - In deep friendships and enduring marriages, people don't expect instant repayment for their support or favours. - True friends and happily married individuals often avoid keeping track of who owes what, focusing on trust and selflessness instead - Keeping a tally or specifying expected reciprocation can undermine love and friendship, as voluntary, positive behaviours are more genuine. - In romantic relationships, equity is often found in the balance of total assets rather than individual characteristics like attractiveness or status. Perceived Equity and Satisfaction in Relationships: - Sharing household chores is considered crucial in successful marriages. - Those in equitable relationships are generally content. - Inequity in relationships can lead to discomfort, with both overbenefited and underbenefited partners experiencing negative emotions. - Perceived inequity can cause distress and depression, particularly during the child-rearing years. - Honeymoon and empty-nest stages are more likely to foster equity and satisfaction in marriages. - Freely giving and receiving, and making joint decisions, promote sustained and satisfying love in relationships. - Marital distress and perceived inequity can exacerbate each other, creating a negative cycle. Self-Disclosure in Relationships: - Self disclosure Revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others - Deep, companionate relationships are characterised by self-disclosure, where partners feel free to open up without fear of rejection. - As relationships grow, self-disclosing partners reveal more about themselves, and their knowledge of each other deepens. - Self-disclosure in relationships often involves sharing successes, triumphs, and mutual delight over good happenings. - Being singled out for another's disclosure is gratifying, as it signifies trust and intimacy People enjoy sharing with those they like, and self-disclosing to someone often leads to increased liking for that person. Deep and substantive discussions contribute to happiness and are associated with happier days Intimate self-disclosure nurtures love and is a vital component of deep, satisfying relationships. Disclosure reciprocity The tendency for one person's intimacy of self-disclosure to match that of a conversational partner Self-disclosure reciprocity is common in building intimacy. Women tend to be more willing to disclose their fears and weaknesses than men. Mutually understanding each other's perspective contributes to relationship satisfaction. Cultivating closeness through escalating self-disclosure can lead to increased feelings of closeness. Experiments have shown that couples who engage in self-disclosure tend to feel closer to each other. Writing about one's deepest thoughts and feelings regarding a relationship can lead to increased emotional expression and stronger relationships. Loneliness - Not related to number of friends you have - It is a difference between you perceived and desired level of relationships - Has a lot to do with the quality of these relationships - Scale of loneliness; PEPLAU 2 things about lonely people; 1. Overly sensitive to signs of friendliness 2. Overly sensitive to signs of rejection - Can create positive feedback loop; - Loneliness => Makes a friend and comes on too strong => friend says “back off” => perceived rejection => creates more loneliness - Can spiral into depression Chapter Summary What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? - The best predictor of whether any two people are friends is their sheer proximity to one another. - Proximity is conducive to repeated exposure and interaction, which enables us to discover similarities and to feel each other's liking. - A second determinant of initial attraction is physical attractiveness. - Both in laboratory studies and in field experiments involving blind dates, university students tend to prefer attractive people. - - In everyday life, however, people tend to choose and marry someone whose attractiveness roughly matches their own (or someone who, if less attractive, has other compensating qualities). Positive attributions about attractive people define a physical-attractiveness stereotype-an assumption that what is beautiful is good. Liking is greatly aided by similarity of attitudes, beliefs, and values Likeness leads to liking; opposites rarely attract. We are also likely to develop friendships with people who like us. According to the reward theory of attraction, we like people whose behaviour we find rewarding or whom we have associated with rewarding events. What Is Love? - Researchers have characterised love as having components of intimacy, passion, and commitment. - Passionate love is experienced as a bewildering confusion of ecstasy and anxiety, elation and pain. - The two-factor theory of emotion suggests that in a romantic context, arousal from any source, even painful experiences, can be steered into passion. - In the best of relationships, the initial romantic high settles to a steadier, more affectionate relationship called companionate love. What Enables Close Relationships? - From infancy to old age, attachments are central to human life. - Secure attachments, as in an enduring marriage, mark happy lives. - Companionate love is most likely to endure when both partners feel the partnership is equitable, with both perceiving themselves receiving from the relationship in proportion to what they contribute to it. - One reward of companionate love is the opportunity for intimate self-disclosure, a state achieved gradually as each partner reciprocates the other's increasing openness (disclosure reciprocity). How Do Relationships End? - Often love does not endure. - As divorce rates rose in the twentieth century, researchers discerned predictors of marital dissolution. - One predictor is an individualistic culture that values feelings over commitment; other factors include the couple's age, education, values, and similarity. - Researchers are also identifying the process through which couples either detach or rebuild their relationships, and they are identifying the positive and non defensive communication styles that mark healthy, stable marriages.