Forgiveness Is a Choice PDF

FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope ROBERT D. ENRIGHT, PhD APA LifeTools AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION Washington, DC FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE Forgiveness Is a Choice ISBN: 978-1-4338-0480-9 (Electronic edition) Copyright© 2008 by the Amer...

FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope ROBERT D. ENRIGHT, PhD APA LifeTools AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION Washington, DC FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE Forgiveness Is a Choice ISBN: 978-1-4338-0480-9 (Electronic edition) Copyright© 2008 by the American Psychological Association. All rights reserved. Electronic edition published 2010. Forgiveness Is a Choice ISBN: 978-1-55798-757-0 Copyright © 2008 by the American Psychological Association. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, including, but not limited to, the process of scanning and digitization, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. CONTENTS Acknowledgments PART I FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE Chapter 1 Forgiveness: A Path to Freedom Chapter 2 What Forgiveness Is…and What It Is Not Chapter 3 Why Forgive…and the Consequences of Not Forgiving PART II THE PROCESS OF FORGIVENESS Chapter 4 A Map and Tools for Your Journey Chapter 5 Acknowledging Your Anger Chapter 6 Confronting the Depth of Your Anger Chapter 7 Committing to Forgive Chapter 8 Gaining Perspectives Chapter 9 Building Positive Feelings, Thoughts, and Behaviors Chapter 10 Experiencing Discovery and Release From Emotional Prison Chapter 11 Saying “I Forgive You” PART III GOING DEEPER Chapter 12 More Questions to Help You Forgive Chapter 13 Helping Children Forgive Chapter 14 Wanting to Be Forgiven Chapter 15 Reconciling References About The Author ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Thank you, James McManus of Beachside Capital Partners for the generous funding that made this book possible. I am indebted to Margaret and Nancy Enright for their careful reading of various drafts of the manuscript and to Dale O’Leary for helping me shape the words and set the right tone for the book. Thank you, Mary Lynn Skutley of APA Books, who saw the importance of forgiveness within psychology before it became popular in the field, and to Marilyn Abraham, whose editorial skills transformed the book. To Barb Lienau of the Department of Educational Psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, thank you for all of the help in making the manuscript look far more professional than my homespun word-processing efforts could accomplish. I am indebted to Dan Lapsley and Darcia Narvaez for help with the galley proofs; thanks Dan and Darcia. Finally, I am indebted to my family, Nancy, Shawn, and Kevin, for the loving support and encouragement that always seem to accompany a forgiving family. Part I FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE CHAPTER 1 FORGIVENESS: A PATH TO FREEDOM Mary Ann, a 38-year-old mother of three children who suffered a turbulent marriage, sat in a tiny office staring across the desk at the unsmiling counselor. Dr. Malaki had come highly recommended—“one of the best counselors in the community.” She had waited a month for this appointment and driven over an hour to the office hidden in the woods of western Connecticut to ask his advice. She wanted to vent her frustrations about her mother. At the same time, she was trying to save her marriage, protect her children, and drag herself out of a hole of despondency. She had expected comfort and consolation, which she received, but Mary Ann was not ready for this question near the session’s end: “Have you considered the possibility of forgiving your mother?” That was impossible. She went through it all again: how night after night her mother had made her endure hours of biting criticism and punished her if she answered back or even had a “sassy look on her face”; how every birthday and every holiday had culminated in a knock-down-drag-out fight; how even after she had married and moved away every visit had ended in a shouting match; and how finally her mother and her husband Brendan had gotten into a drunken brawl while she was in the hospital having her third baby. Dr. Malaki listened and said sympathetically, “It may seem like too much right now, but I would like you to consider the various options open to you regarding your mother. Forgiveness may be one of those options.” Mary Ann had not come to Dr. Malaki to hear that. The bout between her husband and mother had severed their relationship and, frankly, she was relieved, wasn’t she? Yet, recently she had been feeling guilty. Will she ever have a relationship with her mother again? She hoped that the counselor would assure her that severing the relationship was a good idea. She definitely had not expected to consider forgiveness. Waves of anger and fear swept over her. How could she possibly forgive? Dr. Malaki ended with, “It’s your decision. Let’s meet again next week.” Four weeks and four sessions followed, with Mary Ann alternating among anger, ambivalence, and confusion at the idea of forgiveness. In the fifth session, without feeling or conviction, through clenched teeth, and as a simple act of the will, she said to the counselor, “I forgive my mother.” With that she began a journey into freedom. Mary Ann had no idea what to expect; she didn’t have any guideposts. She stumbled along with the help of the therapist, discovering that forgiveness was far deeper, far richer than she had imagined. Looking back, she realizes that her statement “I forgive my mother” was merely the first step, in many ways no more than an intention to begin the process of forgiveness. It would take time before that process was complete, and for Mary Ann, as for most of us, the work of forgiveness is ongoing. What Mary Ann did not know at the time was how much her decision to forgive would change her life for the better. When Mary Ann went to Dr. Malaki, the problem she brought to the table was only the tip of the iceberg. Although she didn’t realize it, Mary Ann was suffering from depression. Her husband Brendan had a serious drinking problem. After work, he would stop at the local tavern, rarely making it home before midnight. She was left alone with three small children. She spent her days escaping into fantasy or watching TV, her nights in rage watching the clock. Hopelessness and anger drained her energy. She neglected the children and then turned on them with harsh words when they misbehaved. When she begged her husband to come home earlier or to help with the children, he accused her of being a bad wife and mother. Their fights were in many ways replays of the confrontations between Mary Ann and her mother. Mary Ann was being pulled down into a whirlpool of resentment and self-pity from which there seemed no escape. Some nights she sat for hours on the staircase, looking out the window down the road leading to town, watching for Brendan’s car and thinking, “Why is he doing this to me?” She would alternate between rage at Brendan and self-recrimination. “Tomorrow I’ll change, tomorrow I’ll pull myself together.” But then her anger would return, and she’d remember the times when she had cleaned the house and cooked a beautiful dinner and Brendan hadn’t come home. Eventually, Brendan would arrive, too drunk to stand up, and Mary Ann would swallow her anger and put him to bed. In the morning he would be too hung over to endure conversation, and she would be too exhausted to cope with three recalcitrant children. She would leave them to their own devices and then scream at them because they had made a mess or had gotten into a fight. And so it went. Occasionally, Mary Ann blew up. She and Brendan would have a real fight, and he would walk out. Mary Ann, terrified, would back down and apologize. Not only was Mary Ann’s life a disaster, but also she was afraid that if things proceeded on this track, the pattern would be repeated in the next generation. Forgiveness Is a Choice is a self-help book for people like Mary Ann who are caught in a vortex of anger, resentment, and seemingly endless destructive patterns and who are looking for a way out. In 1985, the Human Development Study Group at the University of Wisconsin-Madison began an intensive investigation into forgiveness. I was part of that group, and this book is a product of our investigation. Our work was so fruitful that in 1994 we expanded our group and founded the International Forgiveness Institute, a nonprofit organization that helps people understand forgiveness so they can make their own decisions about the topic.1 In the following pages you will be introduced to a scientifically tested program for forgiveness. Its purpose is to benefit you, the forgiver. If you are willing to use the forgiveness process, I believe that you may be able to find freedom from anger, resentment, bitterness, and the self-destructive behavior patterns that accompany them. You may have inherited a family tradition of anger and bitterness, but you don’t have to pass it on to your children and grandchildren. I can’t, of course, promise that the forgiveness process will work for every person and every problem. Such a claim would be absurd. There are no panaceas, but I have seen amazing changes in people’s lives. Martha had not seen her grandchildren in years because of a rift with her daughter-in-law Agnes. Finally, Martha swallowed her pride, picked up the telephone, forgave Agnes, and reconciled with her. She was then able to resume a joyous relationship with her grandchildren. Gary’s constant travel in his job led to a separation from his wife Barbara, until they both realized that bitterness had destroyed the family. Forgiveness and the building of trust restored the relationship and the family. Alexandra was pursuing a college degree until she had a serious argument with an instructor over a grade. She was so aggravated at the teacher that she dropped out of school. Only upon struggling to forgive was she able to return to school and pursue her dreams, instead of pursuing her rage. Our research group has conducted scientific tests using forgiveness as a form of therapy and education. We have researched the world’s great religious traditions, read works of philosophy, and held discussions with therapists and counselors. Our work is by no means completed but, after 15 years of research, I feel that we have found sufficient evidence of the power of forgiveness so that I can offer our knowledge to those who want to be free from the bondage of anger and resentment. If the prospect of forgiving those who have injured you is as terrifying to you as it was to Mary Ann, this book will serve as a guide to light your way through that fear to a place of peace and relief. I will try to answer your questions and help you through the phases of the forgiveness process. One of the questions I am most frequently asked is “How did you begin studying forgiveness in the first place?” I am almost embarrassed to say that my interest was not the result of some incredible childhood trauma or a tragic relationship in adulthood but instead grew out of my deep curiosity about the “wisdom of the ages.” People almost expect that if you dedicate your life to the study of forgiveness, then, of course, you were probably chained to a basement wall for a while during those formative years or at least you married the world’s most insensitive partner. I am happy to say that none of this is true in my own case, people’s expectations notwithstanding. I came to study, write about, and speak about forgiveness because I grew enormously dissatisfied with my own area of research—moral development. Those in university settings asking the questions about morals were not exciting the general public, as far as I could see, and they were not asking the kinds of questions that might change people’s lives. I thought that forgiveness, as one aspect of moral development, just might change people’s lives for the good. My many years exploring how people forgive, and the results obtained after people forgave, have not disappointed me. In fact, I am more impressed today with the power of forgiveness than when I first began. It is a bit ironic that, since beginning the scientific study of forgiveness, I’ve had to practice the art of forgiveness far more than before. Many of my colleagues in the social sciences, quite frankly, thought that I had lost my mind studying such a “soft” or “inappropriate” topic as forgiveness. “Leave the examination of forgiveness to the clergy,” I was told. “You’ll never get a job working in academia if you stick with Enright,” my graduate students were counseled. “This topic has nothing to do with social science,” I heard whispered more than once. I’ve battled through misunderstanding, indifference, and anger from others as I’ve tried to bring some perspective and depth to the questions What is forgiveness? How do people go about forgiving? What happens when people forgive? Yes, those who’ve criticized me and what I study at times have made me angry. Encountering a growing anger led me to the need to forgive. I also know from experience that forgiving is not for wimps but is instead hard work. Yet, as you stick with it, forgiveness offers untold rewards. ARE YOU ANGRY? Had they been asked, Mary Ann’s acquaintances probably would not have picked the word “angry” to describe her. Most people saw her as vaguely “out-of-it” or eccentric. Her anger at her mother manifested itself by a rebellion against every social convention. Her rage at her husband Brendan was concealed with rationalizations about his poor health and business obligations. Her verbal attacks on her children never took place in public. She never mentioned Brendan’s excessive drinking, and because their social friends were his friends, drinking to excess as he did, no one ever suggested that Brendan was an alcoholic. Occasionally, Mary Ann would pour out her pain to a friend, and she had, on several occasions, sought counseling, but nothing had come of it. Everyone agreed that she had been mistreated, but none of the good advice she had received had really addressed her problem. The black clouds of longstanding resentments could not be dispelled by a decision to “Cheer up,” or “Just don’t think about it,” or even by the insight that what happened to her was unfair. There must be more. The first step in forgiving is recognizing that you are angry and, surprisingly, for some people this may be the hardest step. Mary Ann knew that she was angry at her mother. She believed that her anger was completely justified. On the other hand, she felt guilty for being angry at her husband and vacillated between blaming herself and blaming him. She refused to admit that she was angry with her children, because she rightly believed that being angry at small children was irrational. Mary Ann would eventually have to face the full extent of her anger. ARE YOU LOOKING FOR CONDITIONAL FORGIVENESS? Some people are willing to forgive only if they can be assured that the people they forgive will change. Mary Ann would have been happy to forgive mother, husband, children, everyone, if only they would come to her on bended knee begging for her forgiveness and promising to never hurt her again. She did not think that she wanted revenge; she just wanted everyone to change. She would learn that the first person that forgiveness changes is the person doing the forgiving. Very often those trapped in an abusive situation are afraid to forgive, especially if they have given the abuser forgiveness in the past, only to have the abuser respond with more abuse. Mary Ann feared that forgiving her mother would require her to allow her mother’s continued abuse. She would learn that forgiving gives her the freedom to deal with her mother without internalizing her mother’s anger. Many people confuse forgiveness with trust. They are not the same. In the following chapters we will see how going through the forgiveness process does not require accepting continued abuse and, in fact, helps people learn how to remove themselves from abusive situations. Forgiveness is not a bargain or negotiation. Forgiveness is not a magic trick that allows us to control other people. A wife cannot say “I will forgive my husband and then he must change.” Forgiveness is a risk, because we don’t always know what the results of our forgiveness will be. Sometimes the person we forgive is transformed; sometimes there is no change. Sometimes the forgiver is changed and discovers that the offenses that seemed so terrible are easily tolerated. Other times, forgiveness gives forgivers the courage to extricate themselves from a destructive relationship. For those of you who are in a codependent relationship, forgiveness is often an essential step in the process of healing. Mary Ann had cut her mother out of her life, but anger toward her mother still controlled her. Resentments and anger don’t just disappear. An angry woman can divorce her husband. She can take the children, withdraw every penny of the joint assets, leave town, marry again, and start a new life, but if she doesn’t forgive she may suffer recurring resentment-related problems, and her children may be infected by recurring resentments, which will affect their future relationships and emotional life for decades. I have seen men and women in their 80s who are still angry over injustices they endured as children. Although their childhood tormentors are long dead, they still see themselves as “victims.” The therapist Judith Wallerstein interviewed family members decades after divorce and found that they were still suffering from the emotional pain related to the divorce. Incredibly one-half of the women and one-third of the men are still intensely angry at their former spouses, despite the passage of ten or more years. Because their feelings have not changed, anger has become an ongoing, and sometimes dominant, presence in their children’s lives as well.2 FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS Professor of theology, Lewis Smedes, long an observer of the forgiveness process, puts a few qualifiers on the benefits I discuss here. He cautions that forgiveness is for imperfect people, those of us who are not necessarily the saints of the world. We less-than-saintly types sometimes find that the release from resentment is less than complete months or even years after we forgave. Sometimes we awaken with a sense of anger that surprises, especially when we thought that our bitterness was on a speeding train south. Sometimes we get discouraged about the injustices that we experienced in our distant past.3 Forgiveness is a process. Our research group discovered that simply saying “I forgive you” is usually not enough. Although the words are said, the angry feelings often return. People need to go through a process to understand their feelings. They also need to take concrete action. Sometimes forgiveness involves facing not a single incident but a long series of hurts. Sometimes we forgive one person only to discover that there are others whom we need to forgive. Mary Ann began by forgiving her mother but later realized that she also had to forgive her father. She recognized her need to forgive her husband but found it difficult to face her anger toward her children, certainly not for the times they acted up when she was neglecting them, but for the times when they truly were unruly. Indeed, as she worked through the process of forgiveness, she discovered that the list of people against whom she held resentment was long, and it was easy to add new names to the list. Many people have shared their stories with us. Except in cases where the story has already been published, we have changed the names and the details because each has a right to privacy. Those who have walked its path are the best witnesses of the benefits of forgiveness. They admit that forgiveness does not remove all the pain, but that after forgiveness, the remaining pain is bearable. After forgiving, they realized that anger and bitterness had made bad situations worse. Through anecdotal evidence and scientific studies on forgiveness, by comparing groups who were instructed in forgiveness with groups who were not, we believe that we have found substantial and credible evidence that forgiveness produces benefits for those who forgive. We are not alone in our assessment of the benefits to forgiveness. Consider a few observations by therapists who work with people on forgiving others. THERAPISTS OBSERVE THE BENEFITS OF CHOOSING TO FORGIVE Therapists are in an excellent position to observe the forgiveness process. Their reports provide documentary evidence of the benefits of forgiveness and how the process works. When working with a client who wishes to forgive, the therapist is able to track the process and observe the effects. The therapist can observe changes in the client’s mood, physical well-being, basic outlook on life, relationships, and work habits. Not everyone who is experiencing anger and resentment seeks the help of a therapist or even needs to. Anger doesn’t necessarily drive you to utter distraction, but it can cause psychological problems and exacerbate existing ones. Some very angry people are able to lead reasonably normal lives. Some are able to compartmentalize their anger or push their feelings out of sight. American society allows people to manifest a substantial amount of anger. Not forgiving is socially acceptable. Talk shows are full of people exhibiting pathological levels of anger who are treated as though their rages were completely normal and acceptable. On the other hand, some people with serious psychological and emotional problems are extremely angry and resentful. Their problems provoke mistreatment, their psychological condition causes them to misinterpret the motives and actions of others, and their mental condition robs them of the ability to deal with their anger. Their anger needs to be taken seriously. Although forgiving won’t cure psychosis, many therapists report that even clients with serious psychological problems often benefit from forgiving. R. C. Hunter, a Canadian psychiatrist, was one of the first therapists to report on the benefits of forgiveness. He reported that people who have a wide variety of psychological symptoms can experience healing through forgiving. He found that those who are anxious can experience an increased inner peace through forgiveness. Those who are depressed, intensely angry, or even paranoid have shown a significant reduction in their symptoms. Dr. Hunter observed significant improvement in clients who forgave. Their feelings of bitterness and resentment toward people who had hurt them were reduced. He reported on a 25-year-old woman—let’s call her Harriet— with acute emotional distress who was excessively demanding and tended to lash out at others when she was angry. She seemed to create barriers between herself and others, which trapped her in a kind of agitated loneliness. She had few friends and still lived at home, and her relationship with her parents was quite strained. In therapy, Harriet learned that her mother was a captive of her own anger, condemning her daughter for the slightest deviation from her unreasonable standards. Growing up with condemnation, Harriet learned to condemn. Her anger toward her own mother turned Harriet into a highly critical, caustic person with symptoms of anxiety and depression. Having been on the receiving end of unjust criticism, she learned how to dish out unjust criticism and was now giving better than she had been given. By examining her mother’s background, Harriet was able to see that her mother, like everyone else, is “inevitably caught up in the effects of their experiences and possessed both good and bad qualities.”4 She was able to see that she, too, was a product, at least in part, of family upbringing and that she was capable, like everyone else, of both positive and negative behavior. With Dr. Hunter’s help, Harriet came to understand how she had reacted to her own victimization by victimizing others. When she was ready to forgive both parents for their failings, she did so, according to the psychiatrist, “with tenderness and some ruefulness.”5 Forgiving allowed Harriet to see that she was responsible for her own behavior. She didn’t have to criticize and belittle others. Once she had forgiven her parents, she experienced greater self-acceptance and was able to establish meaningful friendships. She learned how to express and receive love. Shortly after her therapy ended, she married. Harriet’s transformation required two important steps: first, a readiness to forgive and second, an openness to love.6 Morton Kaufman, an Israeli psychiatrist, found that genuine acts of forgiveness lead to an overall improvement in a person’s emotional maturity. Dr. Kaufman believes that as one forgives, one grows as a person capable of courage, nurturance of others, and love. In one of Dr. Kaufman’s case studies, Uri, an army officer in his 40s, came to therapy because of his inability to establish positive relationships with women. Through therapy, Uri realized how much he hated his father, who died when he was young, and his mother, whom he blamed for the family’s subsequent poverty. His anger was the cause of his intense anxiety and poor relationships with women. Uri had grown older, but he had not grown up. He frequently indulged in immature behaviors more appropriate to a rebellious adolescent than a 40-something army officer. Forgiving his father for dying allowed Uri symbolically to bury his father. Forgiving his mother for not providing a higher standard of living allowed Uri to leave behind the debilitating anxiety that had plagued him since childhood. As a result, Uri grew in courage and was able to accept adult responsibility. He married and was also able to love and provide for his mother, eventually mourning her death.7 You may be surprised that someone can be angry at a person for dying, but it is common. On an intellectual level, Uri knew that his anger was irrational, but on an emotional level he experienced the death as a betrayal. Not only are some children angry at their parents for dying, but also widows and widowers can be furious at their spouses for leaving them. Richard Fitzgibbons, a Pennsylvania psychiatrist, has done pioneering work in the use of forgiveness in therapy. He observed that when a person forgives, fear is reduced. He traces this reduction in fear to a reduction of guilt. Many people who are angry at a loved one who hurt them feel guilty for their unconscious violent impulses. Forgiveness puts a stop to the impulses. Dr. Fitzgibbons finds that as a client forgives, he or she begins to express anger in more appropriate ways. This conclusion is consistent with Dr. Kaufman’s theory that a forgiver gains in emotional maturity. Dr. Fitzgibbons speculates that anger may cause physical symptoms, and forgiving may improve health and perhaps even lower blood pressure. This speculation is backed up by several studies that have found that hypertension may be affected by anger. Of course, most cases of hypertension are not caused by unforgiveness, but there is evidence that even in cases where the hypertension has a physical cause, anger can make it worse.8 SCIENTISTS EVALUATE THE EFFECTS OF CHOOSING TO FORGIVE We could fill volumes with case histories and first-person accounts of how forgiveness has set people free. One of our goals at the University of Wisconsin-Madison was to scientifically test the effects of forgiveness. Therapists provide detailed case histories, but their observations can be influenced by their commitment to the therapeutic process. They are not conducting controlled research. The scientist’s observations differ from the therapist’s in this way: The scientist collects data in such a way that his or her own impressions in forming conclusions are minimized. In contrast, the therapist’s impressions are part of the therapeutic process and cannot be put aside for the sake of objectivity. To test a thesis scientifically researchers have to set up a controlled situation. We set up tests in which we recruited people experiencing specific kinds of anger and divided them into two groups. We educated only one group on forgiveness and encouraged them to forgive. We tested these groups before and after the study and compared the results. Then to confirm the findings we educated the control group on forgiveness and tested them again. Our results were strong. We were able to demonstrate that those who take the time to go through the forgiveness process become psychologically healthier. Our scientific tests support what we saw in the case histories and first-person accounts: Forgiveness works. Consider two examples from our research. Forgiveness and Incest Survivors Suzanne Freedman and I studied 12 women ages 24 to 54 who were incest survivors. Three were married, four were divorced, and five were single. Four of them had full-time careers, one worked part-time, two were full-time college students, and the rest combined schooling and a career. All were anxious, depressed, and suffering from low self-esteem when they entered our program. None had forgiven the perpetrator. Dr. Freedman randomly assigned six of the women to a group where for over one year they worked on forgiving the perpetrator, and she assigned the other six to a group that received no instruction on forgiveness. The forgiveness group was led by an educator trained in the forgiveness process. Each participant received a manual that described the process involved in forgiving and met individually and weekly with the educator. All 12 participants were given a battery of psychological tests before and after the program. Those in the forgiveness group improved significantly. Before therapy they had been, on average, moderately psychologically depressed. After forgiveness therapy they were, on average, not depressed at all. Their anxiety decreased, and their sense of hopefulness toward their own futures increased. All six were able to forgive the perpetrator. One visited her father’s grave for the first time. Another visited her father in the hospital and helped with his care. When he died, she grieved, and she was convinced that she would have been devastated if he had died before she had been able to forgive him. During the first year, the control group showed no measurable psychological improvement. To further test the benefits of forgiveness, we introduced this group to the forgiveness process. Following 14 months of one-to-one forgiveness instruction, these women also showed evidence of major improvements in their psychological health. When we reassessed the original forgiveness group one year after they stopped the program, they had retained good psychological health. All 12 women showed substantial psychological improvements. No other treatment program for incest survivors has, to our knowledge, produced such positive results.9 Forgiveness and Men and Abortion The Freedman study dealt only with women. We wondered if men would also benefit from forgiveness therapy, Cathy Coyle, now a lecturer in psychology, chose 10 men ages 21 to 43 who stated that they felt unjustly hurt by the abortion decision of their partner. All were single at the beginning of the program, although one married during the program. Eight were employed full-time, and two attended college and worked part-time. Dr. Coyle enrolled the men in a one-to-one educational program that was similar to Dr. Freedman’s. Both groups were tested before and after the program. As with the study of incest survivors, the five men who received forgiveness education showed evidence of decreased anger and anxiety as well as increased self-esteem and hope relative to the control group. The men in the control group were then given forgiveness education, and they also were able to forgive and showed evidence of substantial psychological healing.10 ARE YOU SEEKING LIBERATION FROM THE EMOTIONAL PRISON? People who talk with me about forgiveness often say that their resentment was a way of keeping the one who hurt them in a kind of emotional prison. As long as they held onto the anger and bitterness, the other stayed in the jail cell. Over time they began to realize that it was they, themselves, who were imprisoned by the hatred and not the other person. Our hatred affects us emotionally more than it affects the one who hurt us. Forgiveness is one of the keys to unlocking the door. There is not some automatic “click” that sets you free; the knowledge that you have the option to decide to turn the key can set you free. You must courageously choose to walk out of that cell. Some have lived with the label of “victim” for so long that it’s become part of them, They’d rather live in the cell because at least they know what to expect there. Forgiveness beckons you outside and into the future. Perhaps forgiveness is our best hope for genuine peace between individuals, within families, and among peoples. I agree with the South African religious leader Bishop Desmond Tutu, who faced the most terrible forms of injustice and yet is able to say, “Without forgiveness there is no future.”11 A POSTSCRIPT ON MARY ANN I am happy to report that Mary Ann’s life is very much on track. As she learned to forgive, she learned to communicate more effectively with Brendan, who began his own journey toward greater maturity. The marriage is intact, and the children are grown, leading responsible lives with spouses and children of their own. In Mary Ann’s words, The children, now adults, are healthy and mature. They are great kids. I’d like to say perfect kids, but that would be seeing them through the eyes of a mom. They could have borne tremendous scars, but we entered into forgiveness soon enough for all of us to get our lives back. To say that forgiveness is life-giving is absolutely true. Our family is evidence of that. Certainly she still gets angry. She even has occasions when all the old difficulties come knocking on the door of her mind. She does not let them in for long. She is in control of the anger. Knowing the power of forgiveness, Mary Ann has been able to informally counsel friends and other family members as they work through times of bitterness and unfairness. Mary Ann is giving forgiveness away, in- between her busy schedule volunteering for civic organizations and giving talks and writing articles on the topic of adolescent health and well-being. She now has the energy, which before was being depleted, to help others. ENDNOTES 1. The International Forgiveness Institute’s web site address is www. ForgivenessInstitute.org. 2. J. S. Walierstein and S. Blakeslee, Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children: A Decade After Divorce (New York: Tichnor & Fields, 1996), 29; J. S. Walierstein, J. Lewis, and J. Blakeslee, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000). 3. L. B. Smedes, Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve (San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1984). 4. R. C. A. Hunter, “Forgiveness, Retaliation, and Paranoid Reactions,” Canadian Psychiatric Association Journal 23 (1978): 169. 5. Ibid. 6. Hunter, “Forgiveness, Retaliation, and Paranoid Reactions.” 7. M. E. Kaufman, “The Courage to Forgive,” Israeli Journal of Psychiatry and Related Sciences 21 (1984), 177–187. 8. R. P. Fitzgibbons, “The Cognitive and Emotional Uses of Forgiveness in the Treatment of Anger,” Psychotherapy 23 (1986), 629–633; for a review of anger and blood pressure, see S. T. Huang, “Cross-Cultural and Real-Life Validations of the Theory of Forgiveness in Taiwan, the Republic of China” (Madison, University of Wisconsin, 1990). 9. See S. R. Freedman, “Forgiveness as an Educational Goal With Incest Survivors” (Madison, University of Wisconsin 1994); S. R. Freedman and R. D. Enright, “Forgiveness as a Therapeutic Goal With Incest Survivors” (paper presented at the annual convention of the American Psychological Association, New York, 1995); R. D. Enright, S. R. Freedman, and J. Rique, “The Psychology of Interpersonal Forgive-ness,” in Exploring Forgiveness, eds. R. Enright and J. North (Madison: University of Wisconsin Press, 1998), 46–62. 10. C. T. Coyle and R. D. Enright, “Forgiveness Intervention With PostAbortion Men,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 65 (1997), 1042–1046. 11. D. Tutu, “Foreword,” in Exploring Forgiveness, eds. R. D. Enright and J. North (Madison: University of Wisconsin Press, 1998), xiii. CHAPTER 2 WHAT FORGIVENESS IS… AND WHAT IT IS NOT Some of you may be impatient. You are suffering and want to deal with your problem immediately, in which case you can turn to Chapter 4, “A Map and Tools for Your Journey,” which will guide you through the forgiveness process. On the other hand, you may have questions about forgiveness. You may not be convinced that the forgiveness process is for you. In this case, let me try to answer some of your questions. Some people are apprehensive about forgiveness because they don’t understand what it is. Maybe forgiveness is the Limburger cheese of human affairs; at first it seems offensive, so offensive that we dare not try it. People are afraid that forgiveness means pretending that nothing happened to them. They are afraid that if they forgive they are opening themselves up to being hurt again. They are afraid that forgiving means letting people get away with it. Many people feel that forgiving requires that they forget the offense, which they rightly see as impossible. Many people can’t imagine that their feelings toward the offender can ever change. Although these concerns are understandable, they are not justified because they are a misunderstanding of what forgiveness is. Forgiving begins with acknowledging that we are people who have a right to be treated with respect. Forgiving does not require denying that we have been hurt. On the contrary, to forgive we have to admit that we have been hurt and that we have a right to feel hurt, angry, or resentful. Forgiving does not require denying our feelings. In fact, as we will see, unwillingness to admit that we have been hurt is one of the major impediments to forgiving. We don’t have to forget in order to forgive. The forgiveness process will not produce amnesia. We can’t will our feelings to change. Saying “I will not be angry” 100 times may produce exactly the opposite result. But we can take certain actions that will change our patterns of thinking. We might be surprised to discover that our feelings change in response to our actions. FORGIVENESS DEFINED Although people considering forgiveness have personal concerns, philosophers and scientists try to examine forgiveness objectively, seeking to explain what it is. Philosophers ask questions such as When we forgive, what exactly are we doing? Are there times when forgiving is the right thing to do? Are there times when forgiving is the wrong thing to do? During the initial stages of our research, we reviewed ancient and modern writings for a definition of forgiveness. As we scoured the ancient writings, we found stories of blessings of forgiveness or tragedies caused by the refusal to forgive, but few definitions. For example, in the Hebrew Bible, Joseph was left for dead by his jealous brothers, yet he rose to power in Egypt. Having the opportunity to punish those same brothers years later, he instead showed unconditional love, embracing and helping them before they ever repented. Islam’s Koran has a somewhat similar story using the same names. In the Christian New Testament, there is the story of the prodigal son, squandering his father’s inheritance and then crawling back to the family. To his surprise, his father unconditionally accepts and loves him despite his moral failings. Buddhism has a story of a hermit who is savagely beaten by a jealous king and yet unconditionally accepts the king. I have yet to encounter a story from ancient texts that portrays forgiveness as inappropriate or immoral. Definitions of forgiveness can be found in modern philosophy. The philosopher Joanna North of Great Britain has written one of the best definitions of forgiveness, and we have chosen to use her ideas as a guide in our work. In my words, her definition of forgiveness is When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts.1 Dr. North’s definition makes it clear that forgiving begins with pain and that we have a right to our feelings. First, we are acknowledging that the offense was unfair and will always continue to be unfair. Second, we have a moral right to anger; it is fair to cling to our view that people do not have a right to hurt us. We have a right to respect. Third, forgiveness requires giving up something to which we have a right—namely our anger or resentment. Forgiving is an act of mercy toward an offender, someone who does not necessarily deserve our mercy. It is a gift to our offender for the purpose of changing the relationship between ourselves and those who have hurt us. Even if the offender is a stranger, we change our relationship because we are no longer controlled by angry feelings toward this person. In spite of everything that the offender has done, we are willing to treat him or her as a member of the human community. That person is worthy of the respect due to every being who shares our common humanity. Forgiveness is a paradox, something that may sound illogical but still works. For example, take the statement “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” It sounds silly. After all, getting means having more, which should be better. Giving means having less, which should be worse. In fact, the person who gives usually comes out of the transaction feeling enriched, while the person who receives feels in some way indebted. The forgiveness process is full of such paradoxes. For example, it may seem absurd to tell a person “If you want to be free of anger and resentment, give the person who hurt you a gift,” but it works. FORGIVING IS MORE THAN… Accepting What Happened When the Buddhist ascetic was lying in pain on the ground, did he simply say “Oh well, I am being severely beaten. I guess it’s time for me to move on with my life”? The wise man did have a certain transcendent indifference toward his own situation, but also he forthrightly reached out to his torturer, the king. The sage was interested in the king as a person. The same was true for Joseph and his brothers and the father of the prodigal son. There was acceptance, but there was also more. Forgiving goes beyond simply accepting. “Moving on” is not a moral act. One can “move on” with cold indifference. Ceasing to Be Angry Ceasing to be angry is a by-product of the forgiveness process. We expect that anger will diminish and resentment will vanish, but cessation of anger is only one part of the process. Focusing exclusively on the cessation of anger as the goal can distort the process. Over time, the forgiver should have a real change of attitude toward the offender. Suppose a person is hit by a car. The result is brain damage, with no recollection of the injustice and no anger. Has this unfortunate person forgiven the driver? Of course not, because forgiving involves more than accidental anger reduction. Some people believe that they can simply stop thinking angry thoughts and tell themselves “I will not feel angry.” However, there is ample evidence that this technique works only for the mildest of problems. Being Neutral Toward the Other Although some believe that freedom from resentment is all there is to forgiveness, I don’t agree. I feel that the ultimate goal of the forgiveness process is that the forgiver experience positive feelings and thoughts toward the offender. Of course, I recognize that this may take time. Neutrality may be a step in the process, but it is not the final goal. The Buddhist holy man, who suffered tremendously, was not neutral toward the king. He genuinely wished the king well. Joseph was not neutral toward his brothers; he embraced them with deep love and much emotion. The father of the prodigal son ordered a celebration in honor of the son’s return. Making Oneself Feel Good There is nothing wrong with feeling good. Forgiving, properly understood and practiced with patience, will increase the forgiver’s well-being and emotional health, very dramatically in some cases. Many people start the forgiveness process because they are tired of feeling bad and want to feel better. Although this is a typical attitude, in most cases this is not the final response. Somewhere along the path, the forgiver decides to give the gift of forgiveness to the offender. At that point, the forgiver moves from a focus on self to a focus on the other, and I have seen over and over that when this happens healing begins. FORGIVING IS NOT… Condoning or Excusing When we condone, we put up with the abuse by suffering in silence, or we convince ourselves that we deserved the abuse. When we excuse, we are saying that the offense is not worth a quarrel, or we pretend that we weren’t injured or that the offender didn’t really mean to hurt us. Codependent family members and enablers frequently substitute condoning and excusing for real forgiveness. The wife of the alcoholic says she forgives him for coming home drunk and then lies to his supervisor to cover up his hangover. The battered woman excuses her husband’s violence by blaming herself for irritating him. Such actions give forgiveness a bad name, because people come to think that forgiving means allowing yourself to be hit again or to be used or abused again, and this is not true. Forgiving means admitting that what was done was wrong and should not be repeated. Forgetting Our brains appear to be designed to remember painful experiences. By remembering the pain and associating it with particular experiences, we hope that we will avoid painful activities in the future. We can forgive, but we should not expect to forget. The forgiveness process will not produce amnesia. Trying to forget is unhealthy. The forgiveness process will, however, change the way you remember the past. Justifying Sometimes we realize that we were not wronged, that the person we thought offended us was acting justly. For example, suppose someone stole a car to drive an injured child to the hospital. Upon receiving the car again, the owner recognizes that the “thief” was justified in taking the car. The owner in this case may say “I forgive you,” but real forgiveness as I understand it is not necessary. Calming Down Some people react to minor offenses with major displays of anger and afterward realize that they had overreacted. Calming down is not the same as forgiving. In some cases, outrage diminishes over time. The incident that seemed so important at the time becomes less important. Although calming down is certainly beneficial, it is not forgiving. Forgiveness does not lessen what happened; it alters how we view the person in spite of what he or she did. Pseudo-forgiving Some people find it easy to say the words “I forgive you.” They may do so when they mean that no injury was done. In these cases, the Spanish “de nada”—it was nothing—captures the true intention. Some people use the words “I forgive you” when they have not forgiven at all as a way to control others or to demonstrate their moral superiority. “I forgive you” in these cases means “You are a terrible person who should feel appropriately guilty and don’t think I am going to let you forget it for one minute.” The psychiatrist R. C. Hunter regards pseudo-forgiveness as a ploy used by manipulative people to gain control of others. He points out that pseudoforgivers can be identified by their smug attitude toward the offender, which has nothing in common with real compassion. Dr. Hunter describes a prominent woman who continually and publicly forgave her husband for various offenses, while it was clear to those around her that she was filled with anger and the desire for revenge. Sometimes people will say “I forgive you” when what they mean is “Don’t think you can hurt me.” The need to deny that one can be hurt by others is, according to Robert Cunningham, author of The Will to Forgive, a symptom of narcissistic tendencies.2 A few people use forgiveness as a psychological defense mechanism. These people suffer from emotional difficulties that prevent them from dealing constructively with their own inadequacies. Because they are afraid of being seen as less than perfect, they look for imperfections in others, imagine offenses where there are none, and then insist that they have to forgive. The entire process is designed to keep the attention off their faults. These people will appear to be forgiving, but they will be back next week to forgive someone else.3 Forgiveness Is Related to But Different Than Reconciliation Forgiving is one step in the process toward reconciliation. Reconciliation without forgiveness is often no more than an armed truce in which each side patrols the demilitarized zone looking for incursions by the other and waiting to resume hostilities. Real reconciliation might require forgiveness by both parties, because in many cases there are injuries on both sides. Reconciliation also requires a renewal of trust, and sometimes that is not possible. Reconciliation requires that both parties be ready to resume the relationship, and sometimes only one party is ready to make the effort. Reconciliation is the act of two people coming together following separation. Forgiving, on the other hand, is the moral action of one individual that starts as a private act, an unseen decision within the human heart. Only as the forgiveness grows does it stream outward toward the offender. One may forgive and not reconcile, but one never truly reconciles without some form of forgiving taking place. If the offender remains unrepentant and unchanged, then reconciliation is impossible. The gift of compassion, benevolence, and love can be offered, and the forgiver can wait in the hope that the other person will change. The gift may be scorned, but the gift retains its inherent value. ANSWERING SOME QUESTIONS Let us take a closer look at forgiveness. The deeper your understanding of forgiveness, the more profound your experience of forgiving someone will be. Some of the questions posed below are typical of the ones I get whenever I speak on the topic. Must I Choose Between Justice and Mercy? Some people have a problem with forgiveness because they see forgiveness as opposed to justice. We in Western societies have a high regard for the concept of justice. The ancient Greek philosophers, particularly Plato, taught that if a person wanted to live a moral life, he or she had to act justly. The desire for justice is natural. Even small children believe that wrongs should be punished and that good should be rewarded. The legal system enforces justice through laws, courts, penalties, and prisons. In our personal and social lives we are also obliged to treat others with justice, to refrain from causing emotional harm, to respect others’ dignity and rights, to keep our word, and to live up to our responsibilities. Thus, a divorced father who fails to pay child support violates the law and is subject to legal penalties. A divorced father who breaks his promise to visit his child fails to live up to his moral responsibility. In both cases, the father has failed to act with justice. The child has a right to be angry. But justice is not the only option. There are times when mercy is the appropriate response. Offenses can be forgiven, wrongs pardoned, and gifts given to those who don’t deserve them. For example, the child who has been deprived of paternal financial and emotional support has a right to justice, but if the father disappears, dies, or refuses to acknowledge the wrong he has done his son, justice is denied. If the child continues to demand justice, he or she will be trapped in anger and bitterness. Even if the father grudgingly pays the financial debt, the child may refuse to forgive the emotional debt and remain trapped in anger. The child has another option: forgive the father. Legal justice may not satisfy the angry heart, but mercy can set a person free even if the offender remains unrepentant. There is often a tension between justice and mercy, and the decision to forgive does not necessarily resolve this tension. A man who was sexually molested as a child may decide to forgive the man who molested him and still decide to testify against him to protect other children. To say “I have forgiven” and then allow another child to suffer would be to deny the rights of future victims. On the other hand, the legal system may decide that the circumstances surrounding a crime call for mercy rather than for strict justice. A first-time offender or a young person may be given mercy rather than punishment to the full extent of the law for his or her crime. Parents often find themselves torn between the demands of justice and mercy. Each offense must be judged, and parents must daily exercise both justice and mercy. For example, if a teenager asks permission to stay out on a school night until 10:00 p.m. and then stays out until 1:00 a.m., a parent may enforce justice by denying the teenager the right to go out at all for a month, but at the same time the parent extends mercy by expressing love toward the child and forgiving the offense. The teenager learns that justice and mercy are compatible. Another parent may choose not to punish the teenager but instead to bring up the disobedience over and over. This teenager receives neither justice nor mercy and will probably fall into sulky resentment and smoldering bitterness, which will lead to additional offenses. Do Anger and Resentment Differ? Anger is the primary and in many ways proper response to injury. Anger has a moral quality. For example, in the Old Testament, God is frequently described as angry. In the New Testament, Jesus showed righteous anger on a number of occasions. Resentment, on the other hand, involves re-feeling the original anger. We remember the injury and re-feel the emotions surrounding the hurt. Anger is like a flame, resentment like a hot coal. Those who build campfires in forests are reminded by Smokey the Bear that before they leave their campsite they should stir the coals even if they appear cold, drown them with water, and then stir them again. Apparently, dead coals can be hot enough to start a fire that will burn down an entire forest. No matter how hot the fire, the coals will eventually become cold, but human memory is capable of keeping an injury alive indefinitely. It is common to find people in nursing homes still seething over offenses that occurred while they were children. It takes direct action to extinguish resentments. The forgiveness process may require us to stir up the coals of resentment, drown them with specific actions, and then stir them again to prove to ourselves that the resentment is no longer a danger to us or to others. What, Then, Is Involved in Forgiveness Beyond Reducing Resentment? My study has found that when people successfully complete the forgiveness process, they have reduced or eliminated • negative feelings toward the offender • negative thoughts toward the offender • negative behaviors toward the offender. Negative feelings can range from continual annoyance and frustration to hatred and rage. Negative thoughts can include ascribing evil motives to the offender or thinking of the offender as a wicked and horrible person or as insensitive and uncaring. Negative behaviors toward the offender can include purposefully avoiding the offender, refusing to talk to him or her, plotting revenge, or badmouthing the offender to others. In addition, those who forgive develop • positive feelings toward the offender • positive thoughts toward the offender • positive behaviors toward the offender. Positive feelings can range from a very mild sense of liking, respecting, or similar emotion to loving and caring for the person. Positive thoughts can range from just barely wishing the person well to understanding that he or she is a human being who should be respected for that reason alone. Positive behaviors can be something as simple as a smile or as complex as aiding in the offender’s character transformation, where this is appropriate. What Exactly Must I Do If I Decide to Forgive? If forgiveness involves offering the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love, what is involved? At the appropriate time, the forgiver chooses an appropriate response. You don’t have to be afraid that you will have to do something that will put you at risk or invite additional injury. If you are really angry, have been nursing a resentment for several decades, or have been the victim of a terrible injustice, the very thought of offering your persecutor compassion, benevolence, and love will seem absurd. That is why forgiveness is a process. You can start small—very small. And you don’t necessarily have to make personal contact with the person you are forgiving. For example, you might make a deliberate decision to refrain from disparaging remarks about him or her to others. If you are religious, you can offer benevolence by saying a prayer for the offender. If not, you can try to think about him or her in a context broader than the one in which he or she inflicted hurt on you. Isn’t the person more than that one act or series of acts against you? Why Do I Have to Give Compassion, Benevolence, and Love? Not everyone agrees that forgiveness requires giving the offender an unmerited gift. Howard McGary, a philosopher at Rutgers University,4 believes that the intention to abandon resentment is all that is required for forgiving. This, according to Dr. McGary, must not be done for selfish reasons, but it can be done for self-pertaining reasons. In other words, although forgiveness must be given unselfishly, the forgiver can recognize that he or she will benefit from forgiving. Besides helping the self, the forgiver can also foresee benefits flowing to others. For example, suppose a man who is continually angry with his supervisor brings that anger home so that it affects his wife and children. If he forgives his boss, his wife and children will indirectly benefit. It often happens that those who will not forgive for themselves or for the sake of the offender will be motivated to forgive because they see that they hurt others by deciding to hold on to resentment. Dr. McGary does not believe that compassion, benevolence, and love directed toward an offending person are necessary parts of the forgiveness process. I humbly disagree. If all that is required is the intentional cessation of resentment, then what are we left with when resentment is conquered? Detached indifference? “Writing off” that offender as morally incompetent? Moving from an attitude of resentment to one of casual dismissal of the offender as not worthy of our time? Although these situations might work for some people and might be all that some are initially able to accomplish, I believe, along with Joanna North, Margaret Holmgren, Keith Yandell, and other philosophers, that the forgiven