Read People Like a Book PDF 2021 (Patrick King)

Patrick King Read People Like a Book: How to Analyze, Understand, and Predict People’s Emotions, Thoughts, Intentions, and Behaviors Read People Like a Book: How to Analyze Understand, and Predict People’s Emotions, Thoughts, Intentions, and Behaviors By Patrick King Social Interaction and Conversation Coach at www.PatrickKingConsulting.com < < CLICK HERE for your FREE 25-PAGE MINIBOOK: Conversation Tactics, Worksheets, and Exercises. > > --9 proven techniques to avoid awkward silence --How to be scientiﬁcally funnier and more likable --How to be wittier and quicker instantly --Making a great impression with anyone Table of Contents Read People Like a Book: How to Analyze Understand, and Predict People’s Emotions, Thoughts, Intentions, and Behaviors Table of Contents Introduction Why You’re Probably Doing it Wrong The Problem of Objectivity Chapter 1. Motivation as a Behavioral Predictor Motivation as an Expression of the Shadow Our Inner Child Still Lives The Motivation Factor—Pleasure or Pain The Pyramid of Needs Defense of the Ego Chapter 2. The Body, the Face, and Clusters Look at my Face Body Talk Putting it All Together The Human Body is a Whole—Read It that Way Thinking in Terms of Message Clusters Chapter 3. Personality Science and Typology Test Your Personality The Big Five Jung and the MBTI Keirsey’s Temperaments The Enneagram Chapter 4. Lie Detection 101 (and Caveats) The Problem: Uncertainty It’s All About the Conversation Use the Element of Surprise How to Increase Cognitive Load General Tips for Better-than-Average Lie-Detecting Chapter 5. Using the Power of Observation How to Use “Thin Slicing” Making Smart Observations Read People like Sherlock Holmes Reads a Crime Scene Observation can be Active: How to Use Questions Indirect Questions; Direct Information Summary Guide Introduction Have you ever met someone who seemed to just have a natural gift for getting other people? They appear to be blessed with an instinctive understanding of how other people tick and why they behave as they do, to such an extent that they can often predict what they’ll say or feel. These are the people who know how to talk so that others really hear them, or the people who can quickly detect when someone is lying or trying to manipulate them. Sometimes, such a person may perceive someone else’s emotions and understand their motivations to a degree that even exceeds that person’s insight into themselves. It can seem like a superpower. How do they do it? The truth is that this ability is not really anything mystical, but a skill like any other that can actually be learned and mastered. While some might call it emotional intelligence or simple social awareness, others may see it as more akin to what a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist may do when they conduct an intake interview with a new patient. On the other hand, you may see this skill as something that a seasoned FBI agent, private detective, or police oﬃcer may develop with experience. In this book, we’re going to be looking closely at all the ways we can develop these skills in ourselves, without needing a psychology degree or any experience as a trained CIA interrogator. Reading and analyzing people is no doubt a valuable skill to have. We encounter and interact with other people constantly and need to cooperate with them if we hope to have successful, harmonious lives. When we know how to quickly and accurately analyze someone’s character, behavior, and unspoken intentions, we can communicate more eﬀectively and, to put it bluntly, get what we want. We can adjust the way we communicate to make sure we’re really reaching our intended audience; we can spot when we are being deceived or inﬂuenced. We can also more easily comprehend even those people who are very diﬀerent from us, and who work from very diﬀerent values. Whether you’re trying to learn a little more about a person you’ve just met by snooping in their social media history, or interviewing a new employee, or trying to understand whether the mechanic is telling the truth about your car, reading people well is a priceless skill to have. It’s crazy when you really think about it: every person you ever meet is essentially a mystery to you. How can we really know what is going on inside their minds? What they’re thinking, feeling, planning? How can we ever really understand what their behavior means, why they are motivated as they are, and even how they see and understand Another person’s world is like a black box to us. All we have to go on are things outside of that black box—the words they say, their facial expressions and body language, their actions, our past history with them, their physical appearance, the tone and quality of their voice, and so on. Before we go much further in our book, it’s worth acknowledging this undeniable fact—human beings are complex, living, changing organisms whose inner experience is essentially closed oﬀ inside of them. Though some might make claims otherwise, nobody can really state with any certainty that they know who somebody is completely. That said, we can certainly become better at reading the observable signs. “Theory of mind” is the term we use to describe the ability to think about other people’s cognitive and emotional realities. It’s the (perfectly human) desire to make a model about someone else’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. And like any model, it’s a simpliﬁcation of the depth and complexity of the real person in front of us. Like any model, it has limitations and doesn’t always perfectly explain reality. Our goal in learning to ﬁne-tune our capacity to analyze people is to make best guesses. What we learn to do is gather as much high-quality data about a person as we can, and analyze it intelligently. If we can input these small pieces of data into a robust and accurate model of human nature (or more than one model) the output we can obtain is a deeper understanding of the person. In the same way as an engineer can look at a complicated machine and infer its operation and intended function, we can learn to look at living, breathing human beings and analyze them to better understand the what, why, and how of their behavior. In the chapters that follow, we’ll be looking at many diﬀerent models—these are not competing theories, but rather diﬀerent ways of looking at a human being. When used all together, we gain a fresh understanding of the people around us. What we do with this understanding is up to us. We could use it to foster a richer and more compassionate attitude to those we care about. We could take our knowledge and apply it in the workspace or anywhere we need to cooperate and collaborate with a wide variety of diﬀerent individuals. We can use it to become better parents or better romantic partners. We can use it to improve our small talk, to spot liars or those with an agenda, or to reconcile eﬀectively with people during conﬂicts. The moment we encounter someone new for the very ﬁrst time is the moment we most need to have well-honed powers of perception and analysis. Even the least emotionally and socially intelligent people can learn something about other people if they engage with them long enough. But what we’re focused on in this book is primarily those skills that can allow you to gather genuinely useful information about near-strangers, preferably after just a single conversation. We’ll dig a little deeper into mastering the art of a snap decision that is actually accurate, how to make appraisals of people’s personalities and values from their speech, their behavior, and even their personal possessions, how to read body language, and even how to detect a lie as it’s happening. Another caveat before we dive in: analyzing and reading people is about much, much more than simply having hunches or knee-jerk emotional reactions about them. Though instinct and gut feeling may play a role, we are focused here on methods and models that have sound theoretical evidence and seek to go beyond simple bias or prejudice. After all, we actually want our analyses to be accurate if they’re to be any use to us! When we analyze others, we take a methodical, logical approach. What are the origins or causes of what we see in front of us, i.e., what is the historical element? What are the psychological, social, and physiological mechanisms that sustain the behavior you’re witnessing? What is the outcome or eﬀect of this phenomenon in front of you? In other words, how does what you’re seeing play out in the rest of the environment? How is the behavior you’re witnessing triggered by particular events, the behavior of others, or even as a response to you yourself? In the chapters that follow, we’ll look at smart ways to structure your rational, data-driven analysis of the complex and fascinating people who cross your path. You may start to appreciate how this kind of analysis is at the root of so many other competencies. For example, knowing how to read people may improve your capacity for compassion, boost your communication skills, improve your negotiation abilities, help you set better boundaries, and the unexpected side eﬀect: help you understand yourself better. Why You’re Probably Doing it Wrong Many people believe they’re “good with people.” It’s very easy to boldly claim that you understand another person’s motivations, without ever really stopping to check if you’re correct. Conﬁrmation bias, unfortunately, is a more likely explanation—i.e., you remember all those times your assessments were correct and ignore or downplay the times you clearly got it wrong. That, or you simply never ask if you’re right in the ﬁrst place. How many times have you heard, “I used to think so-and-so was such-and- such kind of person, but once I got to know them, I realized I was completely wrong about them”? The fact is that people are often far less accurate judges of character than they like to believe. If you are reading this book, chances are you know that there are a few things you could probably learn. It never hurts to start a new endeavor on a blank slate. After all, nothing can get in the way of learning truly eﬀective techniques like the conviction that you know everything already and don’t need to learn! So, with that in mind, what are the obstacles to becoming brilliant at reading people? Firstly, the biggest thing to remember is the eﬀect of Maybe you’ve seen a listicle online to the eﬀect of “5 Telltale Signs Someone is Lying,” and went on to see if you could spot any in real life. The trouble with this is obvious: is the person looking up and to the left because they’re telling a lie, or has their attention simply been caught by something on the roof? In the same way, a person making an interesting “Freudian slip” in conversation could be telling you a juicy secret about themselves—or they could simply be sleep deprived and literally just made a mistake. Context matters. In the same vein, we cannot take a single statement, facial expression, behavior, or moment to tell us something deﬁnitive about the whole person. Have you not already done something today that, if analyzed alone, would lead to some completely nonsensical conclusions about your character? Analysis can only happen with data—not a single datum—and it can only happen when we are able to see broader trends. These broader trends also need to be situated in the cultural context that the person you’re analyzing comes from. Some signs are universal, whereas others can vary. For example, talking while your hands are in your pockets is looked down upon in most cultures. Eye contact, on the other hand, can be a tricky aﬀair. In America, eye contact is generally encouraged because it is considered a sign of honesty and intelligence. However, in places like Japan, eye contact is discouraged because it’s thought to be disrespectful. Similarly, a set of cues may mean one thing in your own culture, and something entirely diﬀerent in another. It can be slightly diﬃcult to remember these diﬀerent models of interpretation initially, but as you practice the art, it’ll start coming to you naturally. If a person does the same unusual thing ﬁve times in a single short conversation, then that’s something to pay attention to. If someone simply claims, “I know that woman. She’s an introvert. I saw her reading a book once,” you wouldn’t exactly call them a master at unraveling the human psyche! So, it’s worth remembering another important principle: in our analysis, we look for Another way that smart people can come to not-so-smart conclusions about others is if they fail to establish a baseline. The guy in front of you may be making lots of eye contact, smiling often, complimenting you, nodding, even touching your arm occasionally. You could conclude that this guy must really like you, until you realize that this is how he is with every person he meets. He in fact is showing you no interest above his normal baseline, so all your observations don’t quite lead where they ordinarily would. Finally, there’s something to consider when you’re studying other human beings, and it’s often a real bind spot: yourself. You might decide that someone is trying to deceive you, but completely fail to take into account your own paranoid and cautious nature, and the fact that you were recently lied to and are not quite over it yet. This ﬁnal point may ironically be the real key to unlocking other people—making sure we understand ourselves at a bare minimum before we turn our analytical gaze outward. If you’re unaware of how you may be projecting your own needs, fears, assumptions, and biases onto others, your observations and conclusions about others will not amount to much. In fact, you may have simply discovered a roundabout way of learning about yourself and the cognitive and emotional baggage you’re bringing to the table. Let’s see some of these principles in action. Let’s say you’re interviewing someone your company intends to hire. You have only a short time to determine whether she’d ﬁt in with the rest of the team. You notice that she’s talking quite quickly and occasionally stumbling on her words. She’s sitting literally on the edge of her seat, hands clasped tightly together. Could she be a very nervous and insecure person? You suspend judgment, knowing that everyone is nervous in interviews (i.e., you respect context). You notice the candidate mention more than once about how her previous employer was very demanding with time, whereas she prefers to work independently and manage her time herself. You wonder if this means she’s poor at taking direction from management, or if she genuinely is a more independent and proactive type. You have no baseline, so you ask her about her university days and what she studied. She tells you about research projects she conducted independently, and how closely she worked with her old supervisor. This tells you that she can work under management... if the project is something she cares about. If you had only focused on her nervousness, you wouldn’t have gotten very far. Many recruiters will tell you that speaking ill of a previous employer is hands down a red ﬂag, but in the interview, you look for not single events. You may even consider that she may be acting nervously because you are making her nervous. You might know that by being a tall and physically dominating person with a deep voice and a serious expression, what you are witnessing is not the woman herself, but the woman as she appears in your company. By remembering a few simple principles, we can ensure that our analysis is always contextual, well-considered, and three dimensional. It’s about synthesizing the information we have in front of us into a coherent working theory, rather than simply spotting a few stereotypical behaviors and coming to easy conclusions. The Problem of Objectivity “Your cousin was really upset when you made that joke about politics last night.” “Upset? No, he wasn’t upset; he thought it was funny. I remember!” “No way! He was frowning. I thought he was totally mad at you...” Have you ever been in a conversation with a group of people, only to later ﬁnd out that diﬀerent members of the group had a completely diﬀerent assessment of what happened? Sometimes, people disagree entirely on whether someone was ﬂirting, whether someone was uncomfortable or oﬀended, whether someone was feeling oﬀ or being rude. It can feel like you were living in two separate realities! Some studies show that only about seven percent of our communication comes from actual spoken word, whereas a whopping ﬁfty-ﬁve percent of it stems from body language. This means that what people say is often the worst indicator of what they actually want to convey. Even their tone of voice only tells you about thirty-eight percent of the actual story. One can now see why people often leave group conversations with contrasting opinions on what really took place in that interaction—they’re using the wrong factors to arrive at their judgments. To grasp the real, non-verbal conversation or dialogue that someone is engaging in with you, you need to consider both their verbal as well as non-verbal cues. We’ve already seen that simply claiming you’re a “people person” is not really proof that you are factually any better at reading them. But it turns out there may be a scientiﬁc way of actually measuring this quality in people. Simon Baron Cohen (yes, there is a relation to comedian Sascha Baron Cohen—they’re cousins) has devised what he calls a social intelligence test. The test is scored out of thirty-six, with results lower than twenty-two observed in those with autism, and the average score being around twenty-six. The test essentially asks you to infer other people’s emotions by simply looking at their i.e., it tests how empathic they are. The person may be smiling, but are they actually feeling really uncomfortable? Knowing how to read other people’s emotions has been linked to overall higher social intelligence, which then links to better cooperation on teams, empathic understanding, and better people-reading skills. If you’re curious, you can do this test yourself on a desktop computer by following the following link: You’ll be asked to look at pictures showing just people’s eyes and to choose from four emotions to describe what you think the person is feeling. But be prepared to be surprised by your results—or the results of your friends and family. Of course, this is a test that has ﬂaws and limitations like any other test of this kind. If you’re a social genius but have poor vocabulary or are not culturally Western or an English speaker, for example, your results should be interpreted with caution. This test shows you how good you may be at reading people’s emotions from very little information—i.e., from nothing more than a single glance at their eyes. But this is only a small piece of the puzzle. What this test tells us is that we do not all possess the same range of social skills, and perhaps that we may be less adept than we ﬁrst thought. This in turn shows us that it’s not always enough to go on hunches or intuition—you may easily make the wrong assessments of people. When dealing with things like the murky, hidden inner depths of other people’s hearts and minds, we need to make eﬀorts to remain as objective as possible. We cannot always trust our ﬁrst impulse. If you did the test above and scored only twenty-six out of thirty-six, then you could reasonably conclude that ten out of every thirty-six encounters would have you incorrectly interpreting someone’s facial expression. If that’s the case, what else are you missing? On the other hand, the look in someone’s eyes is just a tiny portion of the information you have to work with in any social situation. You have their posture and body language, what they say (and what they don’t say!), their tone of voice, their attitude, the context in which you are both having a conversation... If you didn’t score very high on the test, don’t worry, it doesn’t mean that you’re autistic or completely socially unaware. In real life, we encounter much more in a passing moment than just a single frame image of someone’s eyes alone. You may actually be better at piecing together this and all the other information at your disposal than you think. What you might like to try, however, is to deliberately work to improve your people reading skills in the ways discussed in this book, and come back a month or two later to re-take the test. You may discover something fascinating—that our empathic and social skills are not ﬁxed but can be developed and improved upon. Once you’ve got your baseline for your own people-reading skills, we’re ready to move on to the theories and models that will help you reﬁne your skills to Sherlock levels. Takeaways Most of the communication that takes place between people is non-verbal in nature. What people say is often a poor indicator of what they want to convey, which makes people-reading a valuable life skill with almost endless beneﬁts. Although we’re all blessed with diﬀerent aptitudes, it’s possible to develop this skill in ourselves, as long as we can be honest about where we’re starting from. No matter which theory of model we use to help us analyze and interpret our observations, we need to consider context and how it factors in. One sign in isolation rarely leads to accurate judgments; you need to consider them in clusters. The culture people come from is another important factor that helps contextualize your analysis appropriately. Behavior is meaningless in a void; we need to establish a baseline so that we know how to interpret what we see. This means that you need to ascertain what someone is normally like to detect deviances from that to draw accurate interpretations of when they’re happy, excited, upset, etc. Finally, we become great people-readers when we understand ourselves. We need to know what biases, expectations, values, and unconscious drives we bring to the table so we are able to see things as neutrally and objectively as possible. We must refrain from letting pessimism cloud our judgments because its often easier to arrive at the more negative conclusion when an alternate, more positive one is equally likely. To gain better insight into the progress you make as you read through this book, you need to know your proﬁciency at analyzing people as you start out. Simon Baron Cohen has come up with a test available on http://socialintelligence.labinthewild.org/ that’ll help you gauge how good you are at reading people’s emotions right now. It is also a good way to come to the realization that we are perhaps not as good at reading people as we think we are. Chapter 1. Motivation as a Behavioral Predictor Why bother to understand people at all? Why go to the trouble of learning about how people operate and why? If you think back to any situation in which you were desperately trying to get a read on someone, it might have been because you were very invested in how they would else, trying to understand why they had already acted as they did. To understand why people behave as they do, we need to examine the causes and drivers of that behavior: their motivations. Everyone (including you) is driven to act for some reason or other. You may not always see or understand that reason, but there is one. Only insanity has a person acting for no reason at all! So, to get a grip on any behavior, to understand it, predict it, or even inﬂuence it somehow, you need to understand what is fueling i.e., you need to understand what motivates a person. Why did you pick up this book? Why did you get up this morning? Why have you done any of the no doubt hundreds of things you’ve already done today? You had your reasons, conscious or unconscious, and another person might gain considerable insight into who you are by knowing what those motivations were. In this chapter, we’re going to look at everything that inspires human beings to act: desire, hate, like and dislike, pleasure and pain, fear, obligation, habit, force, and so on. Once you know what motivates someone, you can start to see their behavior as a natural and logical extension of who they are as a person. You can work backward from their actions to their motivations, and ﬁnally to them and who they are as individuals. People are motivated by psychological, social, ﬁnancial, even biological and evolutionary factors, all of which could interact with one another in interesting ways. What do people care about? Asking about interests, values, goals, and fears is more or less asking about motivations. Once you know where a person is coming from in this sense, you can start to understand them and their world in their own In this chapter, we’ll explore the many diﬀerent motivators behind human behavior. Think of these as explanatory models through which you can observe the behavior of others and use to understand what you’re seeing, on a deep level. Let’s start with the deepest level of all: the unconscious. Motivation as an Expression of the Shadow It’s an old cliché: a bald and overweight middle-aged man zooms by in an expensive, noisy red sports car, and people on the sidewalk remark, “Gee, I wonder what he’s compensating for?” It’s just a coarse joke, but it speaks to a common understanding of the fact that sometimes people are driven by unconscious, inner forces that they may not necessarily see themselves. You may be familiar with Swiss psychologist Carl Jung’s concept of the shadow. To put it very simply, the shadow contains all those aspects of our nature that we have disowned, ignored, or turned away from. These are the parts of our being we hide from others —and even from ourselves. Our pettiness, our fear, our rage, our vanity. The idea is that when we integrate our shadow, we cultivate a deeper feeling of wholeness and can live as authentic, complete human beings. You see, Jung didn’t care about “positivity” and self-improvement in the sense that’s popular today. He thought that psychological health and wellness came from acknowledging and accepting of yourself—rather than in pushing the unwanted parts of yourself further and further away. It can be enormously gratifying to do “shadow work,” i.e., to consciously attempt to reclaim those disinherited parts of yourself. But how can we use this concept to help us better understand those around us, who also possess shadows? The thing about the shadow is that even though it’s pressed out of conscious awareness, it still very much exists. In fact, it may make itself known in more subtle ways, manifesting itself in behavior, thoughts, and feelings, or appearing in dreams or unguarded moments. If we can observe and understand these outward signs in others, we can gain a deep insight into their character. We live in a world of duality—dark exists because of light, we only understand up because of down, and what is high energy must eventually slow and stop. Simply understanding this principle can help us understand people, too. We are all a blend of complementary, connected, and interdependent forces. Like the yin yang, each gives rise to and balances the other. Imagine someone who was raised in a strict household and pushed to do well academically. No late nights, no drinking, no friends over, only study all day every day. You could look at such a person and notice how profoundly unbalanced or polarized their being is. Their conscious mind is focused on only one aspect of their being. But what happens to their impulse to be free, to rebel, to play, to be a bit wild? Where does it go? You probably know a few people who lived childhoods exactly like this. And the way the story goes may seem very familiar: in early adulthood, such a person ﬁnally succumbs to the long-repressed and hidden needs for freedom, expression, and rebelliousness, and “goes wild,” abandoning their studies and living it up almost as though they were making up for lost time. We can understand this phenomenon by using the principle of the shadow. Even if we encounter a perfectly well-behaved and disciplined student, we know that their shadow contains everything that is unacceptable to them, to others, and to their environment. In the same way that it takes energy to constantly keep a beach ball submerged underwater, it takes energy to deny the shadow. But eventually, the ball pops up. Living with a shadow that is unknown to us can cause us psychological discomfort. The mind, body, and spirit seeks to be whole, and if this wholeness is only achieved through an explosion of repressed material to the surface of conscious awareness, then so be it. By using Jung’s theory of the shadow, you can achieve a few key insights when it comes to understanding people. First, you can develop a deeper understanding of why they are as they are, and this inevitably leads to heightened feelings of compassion. If you know that the bully at school learned in childhood to suppress out of awareness all his own feelings of inferiority, weakness and fear, you can see his behavior with a measure of understanding. You are able to engage with him beyond a superﬁcial level—you are dealing with all of him and not just the carefully curated conscious self that he is portraying on the surface. Second, by using the shadow model, you allow yourself to reach out to and communicate with people far more eﬀectively. Although every one of us is a divided being, there is nevertheless an impulse toward wholeness and authenticity. If you can speak directly to those unacknowledged parts of a person’s psyche, you are able to communicate more deeply. For example, an arrogant, narcissistic person may have a shadow ﬁlled with self-hate. In that shadow is everything they cannot bear to acknowledge about themselves, so much so that they deny that it’s even a part of them. The common reaction to narcissistic people is to want to tear them down, to laugh at them, or to resist their claims of grandiosity. But this only strengthens the feelings of shame that created the split in the ﬁrst place. If you can see a person’s grandiosity as essentially a defense, you can adjust your communication accordingly. Granted, you cannot get someone else to acknowledge parts of their own shadow simply because you think they should, but it can certainly give you an insight into how to deal with them in the future. A ﬁnal way of using this theory to understand others is to see how the shadow is projected to the outside world. The shadow is ﬁlled with painful, uncomfortable feelings. We relieve this pain and discomfort by ignoring or denying the feelings, and what better way to disown them than to claim they belong to someone else entirely? Shadow projection is when a person unconsciously attributes his own shadow traits to another person. For example, someone who feels intellectually inferior may ﬁnd themselves calling everyone and everything “stupid” or haughtily criticizing the eﬀorts of others. Though on the surface they may have styled themselves an intellectual, you can see what’s really going on: the mask of cleverness is there to protect real feelings of inferiority. If you happen to be called stupid by such a person, you know that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. You could use this understanding to be very persuasive or even manipulative—for example, complimenting the person’s intelligence when you want to ﬂatter them. You could also use your insight to generate deep, compassionate understanding. For example, you could try communicating to this person that there is nothing shameful about being “stupid” and that you accept and love them whether they’re intelligent or not. This helps integrate the shadow—if the repressed material is not felt as shameful and uncomfortable, there’s no need to push it away anymore. It’s like relaxing the pressure on the beach ball and allowing it to ﬂoat gently to the surface. None of this is to say that we need to go into intense psychotherapist mode every time we meet someone new. Integrating the shadow is long, diﬃcult work that cannot be done on anyone else’s behalf. The best thing we can do for ourselves is work hard on our own shadows while we use it to help us acknowledge and understand the workings of other people’s shadows. You might even start to look at your own culture a little diﬀerently—groups can have their own collective shadow. What are the things that your family, community, or even nation refuse to acknowledge as a group about themselves? And how does this help you understand their resulting behavior a little more? In the Jungian spirit, the most helpful and healing attitude to adopt when it comes to the shadow is one of love and acceptance. Be curious but be kind. Your goal in identifying someone’s (possible) shadow is not to catch them out, to get a one up on them, or to ﬁgure out a button you can push for your own gain. Instead, it’s about seeing wholes in a world that is often split, broken, divided, and unconscious. If you can see the shadow in operation in someone else, it’s also an invitation to look honestly inside ourselves. Once we can look at another person’s shame, fear, doubt, and rage with acceptance and understanding, we can do the same for ourselves. Not only will we become more astute students of human nature, we’ll become more sensitive and emotionally intelligent friends, partners, or parents. In fact, the things we each push into our respective shadows are often not so diﬀerent. None of us want to admit that we sometimes feel small and weak, unlovable, confused, lazy, selﬁsh, lustful, jealous, mean, or cowardly. A great way to consider yours and the other person’s shadow is to watch what feelings their behavior triggers in you. For example, you might be having a conversation with the boastful intellectual from the earlier example. You share an idea that they laugh at and quickly denounce as “stupid.” What’s your response? If you’re like most people, you may prickle with anger, embarrassment, or shame, and suddenly feel the need to defend yourself. Maybe you retort with something you think sounds extra intelligent to prove him wrong... or you simply laugh back and insult him directly. What’s happened is that his shadow has triggered yours. To have this reaction, somewhere inside you was the unwanted feeling of being stupid and inferior. If you have the presence of mind to remain conscious in such an interaction, however, you could pause and notice your own response and become curious about it. This person, in insulting you this way, has told you something very important about themselves, if you know how to listen. Very astute and observant people know that what a person insults you with is often nothing more than the label they can’t acknowledge they actually give themselves. If you realize this, you can keep your cool in such a conversation. If not, you may get hooked into a mutual ego-defense session—i.e., an argument— with the person, unknowingly accepting their invitation to play a particular shadow game with them. The shadow expresses itself in people’s motivations. The middle- aged man in the stereotypical story has suppressed out of consciousness his grief at the loss of his youth and sexual vigor. But it’s out there for all to see in the form of his sexy new sports car. The next time you meet someone, quickly run through the following questions to help you see them on a deeper level: What is this person actively and consciously portraying to me right now? What might this person be unwilling to acknowledge about themselves? How might this unacknowledged part of themselves be unconsciously driving the behavior I see on the surface? How is this person making me feel right now? Do I feel like they are projecting onto me or triggering my own shadow? How can I communicate compassion and understanding for what’s in their shadow, right now? When you speak to someone, the shadow model helps you to speak to all of even the parts they don’t show. It’s a way of “reading between the lines” where people are concerned! Our Inner Child Still Lives Another related way of looking to people’s deeper motivations is to recognize and acknowledge their “inner child.” We can understand the inner child as that unconscious part of ourselves that represents the little children we once were. After all, it’s usually in childhood where we learn which parts of us are acceptable and which aren’t, and hence it’s the time we start to build up our shadow and shape our conscious personality. Doing “inner child work” sounds a little out there, but it’s really not that diﬀerent from gently acknowledging and embracing the shadow aspect. If you were doing inner child work on your own or with a therapist, you might engage in a playful dialogue with your inner child, journal, draw and paint, and get into the mindset of a compassionate adult who then “re-parents” the younger version of yourself, giving yourself everything you needed back then but didn’t receive. How can we use the theory of the inner child to help us become better at reading people? In the same way we can learn to identify when someone is operating from their shadow, we can see if someone is motivated particularly from their inner child. If you’re having an argument with a partner, and they’re angry and defensive, you may suddenly see their behavior much more clearly if you understand it as a scared child essentially throwing a tantrum. You’ve probably felt once or twice before as though you were dealing with a child who simply happened to be in the shape of a grown adult. If you notice someone suddenly acting with what seems like disproportionate emotion, pay attention. Feeling suddenly angry, hurt, defensive, or oﬀended could be a clue that some nerve has been touched. The unconscious—whether that’s the shadow or the inner child, or both—has been activated somehow. A good indication that you’re dealing with someone who is wholly identiﬁed with their child self is that you feel yourself positioned as a “parent.” When we are adults, we are expected to take responsibility, show self-restraint, and behave with reason and respect for others. But a person in child mode may be (psychologically speaking) a child, which pushes you to respond as a parent would, i.e., with soothing, reprimanding, or taking responsibility for them. Let’s say you’re asked to work with someone new at your job. This person ﬂakes on meetings with you and then doesn’t pitch in with their share of the work, leaving you to pick up the mess. When you confront them, they pout and deny it and sulk. You realize that this person is wholly identiﬁed with their inner child— who happens to be a naughty and rebellious child. Knowing this, you refrain from going into parent mode. You don’t take on the responsibility of chastising them and trying to ﬁnd a way to bribe them to do their job. Perhaps this person learned early in life that this was the way to respond to authority, responsibilities, or things you didn’t really want to do. By deliberately engaging with your colleague’s adult aspect, however, you change the dynamic. You make it impossible for them to stay in child mode. What could have been a worse conﬂict ends up resolving eventually. It’s a subtle but powerful shift—we don’t look only at the behavior in front of us, but where the behavior is coming from and True, we may not open up any additional avenues of choice by doing so, but we always enrich our understanding of the situation, which is intrinsically valuable. One of psychology’s lasting contributions to popular thought is the idea that we can interpret situations and events not just in terms of their practical features, but in terms of the people involved and their human needs and motivations. We’ll look more closely at this theory in the following section. The Motivation Factor—Pleasure or Pain If you can zoom in and really grasp a person’s true motivations, you can understand them so much better, perhaps even to the point of being able to predict how they might act in the future. Using this psychological approach gives you the opportunity to get into the perspective of other people, ﬁnding clarity on exactly what they gain by thinking and behaving as they do. With this knowledge, your interactions with people are instantly enriched. Again, these intertwine neatly with emotions and values because they are often seeking the same ends. It’s just another perspective on why someone will act the way they do and what we can understand of them from that. Out of all the speculations about the sources of motivation, none is more famous than the pleasure The reason it’s so renowned is because it’s also the easiest to understand. The pleasure principle was ﬁrst raised in public consciousness by the father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, though researchers as far back as Aristotle in ancient Greece noted how easily we could be manipulated and motivated by pleasure and pain. The pleasure principle asserts that the human mind does everything it can to seek out pleasure and avoid pain. It doesn’t get simpler than that. In that simplicity, we ﬁnd some of life’s most universal and predictable motivators. The pleasure principle is employed by our reptile brain, which can be said to house our natural drives and desires. It doesn’t have any sense of restraint. It is primal and unﬁltered. It goes after whatever it can to meet our body’s urges for happiness and fulﬁllment. Anything that causes pleasure is felt by the brain the same way, whether it’s a tasty meal or a drug. An apt comparison, in fact, is a drug addict who will stop at nothing to get another taste of narcotics. There are a few rules that govern the pleasure principle, which also make us fairly predictable. Every decision we make is based on gaining pleasure or avoiding pain. This is the common motivation for every person on earth. No matter what we do in the course of our day, it all gets down to the pleasure principle. You raid the refrigerator for snacks because you crave the taste and feel of certain food. You get a haircut because you think it will make you more attractive to someone else, which will make you happy, which is pleasure. Conversely, you wear a protective mask while you’re using a blowtorch because you want to avoid sparks ﬂying into your face and eyes, because that will be painful. If you trace all of our decisions back, whether short term or long term, you’ll ﬁnd that they all stem from a small set of pleasures or pains. People work harder to avoid pain than to get pleasure. While everyone wants pleasure as much as they can get it, their motivation to avoid pain is actually far stronger. The instinct to survive a threatening situation is more immediate than eating your favorite candy bar, for instance. So when faced with the prospect of pain, the brain will work harder than it would to gain access to pleasure. For example, imagine you’re standing in the middle of a desert road. In front of you is a treasure chest ﬁlled with money and outlandishly expensive jewelry that could set you up ﬁnancially for the rest of your life. But there’s also an out-of-control semi careening toward it. You’re probably going to make the decision to jump away from the truck rather than grab the treasure chest, because your instinct to avoid pain—in this case, certain death— outweighed your desire to gain pleasure. If you’ve hit rock bottom and faced a massive amount of pain or displeasure, then you simply must start acting to avoid that in the future. A wounded animal is more motivated than a slightly uncomfortable one. Our perceptions of pleasure and pain are more powerful drivers than the actual things. When our brain is judging between what will be a pleasant or painful experience, it’s working from scenarios that we think could result if we took a course of action. In other words, our perceptions of pleasure and pain are really what’s driving the cart. And sometimes those perceptions can be ﬂawed. In fact, they are mostly ﬂawed, which explains our tendency to work against our own best interests. I can think of no better example of this rule than jalapeño chapulines. They’re a spicy, traditional Mexican snack that’s tasty and low in carbs. By the way, “chapulines” means “grasshoppers.” We’re talking chili-ﬂavored grasshoppers. The insects. Now, you may have no ﬁrsthand knowledge of how grasshoppers taste. Maybe you’ve never tried them. But the thought of eating grasshoppers may give you pause. You imagine they’ll be repellent to the tongue. You imagine if you take a bite of a grasshopper, you’ll get grossed out. You might accidentally bite down on an internal grasshopper organ. The perception of eating a grasshopper is driving you quickly away from the act of eating one. But the fact remains that you haven’t actually tried it You’re working from your idea of the repulsion that eating a grasshopper will bring about. Somebody who’s actually tried grasshopper-based cuisine may insist to you that they’re really good when prepared properly. Still, you might not be able to get over your innate perception of what eating an insect would be like. Pleasure and pain are changed by time. In general, we focus on the here and now: what can I get very soon that will bring me happiness? Also, what is coming up very soon that could be intensely painful that I’ll have to avoid? When considering the attainment of comfort, we’re more tuned into what might happen immediately. The pleasure and pain that might happen months or years from now don’t really register with us—what’s most important is whatever’s right at our doorstep. Of course, this is another way in which our perceptions are ﬂawed and why we procrastinate so frequently, for example. Suppose a smoker needs a cigarette. It’s the main focus of their current situation. It brings them a certain relief or pleasure. And in about ﬁfteen minutes, they’ll be on break so they can enjoy that cigarette. It’s the focus of their daily ritual. They’re not thinking how smoking a cigarette every time they “need” one could cause painful health problems down the road. That’s a distant reality that’s not driving them at all. Right now, they need a smoke because they crave one, and they might get a headache immediately if they don’t get one. Emotion beats logic. When it comes to the pleasure principle, your feelings tend to overshadow rational thought. You might know that doing something will be good or bad for you. You’ll understand all the reasons why it will be good or bad. You’ll get all that. But if your illogical id is so intent on satisfying a certain craving, then it’s probably going to win out. And if your id drives you to think that doing something useful will cause too much stress or temporary dissatisfaction, it’s going to win there too. Going back to our smoker, without a doubt they know why cigarettes are bad for one’s health. They’ve read those warnings on the packages. Maybe in school they saw a picture of a corroded lung that resulted from years of smoking. They know all the risks they’re about to court. But there’s that pack right in front of them. And all reason be damned, they’re going to have that cigarette. Their emotions oriented toward pleasure win out. Survival overrides everything. When our survival instinct gets activated, everything else in our psychological and emotional makeup turns oﬀ. If a life-threatening situation (or a perceived life- threatening situation) arises in our existence, the brain closes down everything else and turns us into a machine whose thoughts and actions are all oriented toward the will to survive. This shouldn’t be surprising when it comes to avoiding painful outcomes. Of course you’re going to try to jump away from that oncoming semi truck; if you don’t, you won’t survive. Your system won’t let you make that choice—it’s going to do everything it can to get you the hell out of the way of that truck. However, survival can also come into play when we’re seeking pleasure—even if it means we might slip into harm’s way. The most obvious example of this is food. Say you’re at a bar and somebody orders a giant plate of nachos loaded with cheese, sour cream, fatty meat, and a bunch of other things that might not be the best dietary choices for you. You might be able to resist it. Some people can. But you might not. In fact, you could ﬁnd yourself eating half the plate before you even know what you’ve done. Why? Because you need food to survive. And your brain is telling you there’s food in the vicinity, so perhaps you should eat it. Never mind that it’s not the best kind of food, nutritionally speaking, that you could opt for at the moment. Your survival instinct is telling you it’s time to have those nachos. Your life depends on it. The pleasure principle is related to an idea that comes from economics and the attempt to predict markets and human buying behavior: the rational choice embodied by the jokingly named Homo This states that all of our choices and decisions spring entirely from self-interest and the desire to bring as much pleasure to our lives as possible. It may not always hold up (otherwise market and stock prices would be one hundred percent predictable), but it provides more support for the simple nature of many of our motivations. The next time you meet someone new or are trying to get a read on someone, consider looking at their actions in terms of the motivation of pleasure or pain. Ask yourself what good thing they gain by behaving as they do, or what bad thing they avoid—or both. For example, if you have a tired ﬁve-year-old who doesn’t want to clean up their room, you might consider pleasure and pain and ask how they perceive your request: probably as painful! When you realize that they are simply behaving to avoid pain and maximize their own pleasure, you can reframe your request. If you can turn tidying up into a fun game, or if you can link tidying up to the anticipation of a reward, you’ve communicated eﬀectively and gotten the result you want. Of course, you’re probably wondering if this theory always applies —the answer is no. People are able to exercise discipline, restraint, and self-control, and they are able to genuinely desire and derive pleasure from doing things that only pay oﬀ in the future, or only help others and not themselves. Though the pleasure/pain principle may work well with dog training, you probably like to think of yourself as a little more complex, morally speaking. For example, there are countless stories of prisoners held in concentration camps during the holocaust, who were starving to death and yet chose to share what little food they had with those around them. Naturally, a human being is driven to act by many more things than simple pleasure seeking or pain avoidance. This is why learning to read people requires us to consider so many diﬀerent models and theories—none of them are suﬃcient on their own. In the following section, we’ll look at another needs-based theory that can help us better make sense of people who act outside of the normal pleasure/pain dynamics, and why. The Pyramid of Needs Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is one of the most famous models in the history of psychology. It employs a pyramid to show how certain human “needs”—like food, sleep, and warmth—are necessary to resolve before more aspirational needs like love, accomplishment, and vocation. Maslow’s pyramid can be viewed as a visual example of how motivation changes and increases after we get what we need at each stage in our lives, which typically coincides with where we are on the hierarchy itself. When psychology professor Abraham Maslow came along in the 1940s, his theory boiled everything down to one revolutionary idea: human beings are a product of a set of basic human needs, the deprivation of which is the primary cause of most psychological problems. Fulﬁlling these needs is what drives us on a daily basis. The hierarchy, now named for him, maps out basic human needs and desires and how they evolve throughout life. It functions like a ladder—if you aren’t able to satisfy your more basic foundational human needs and desires, it is extremely diﬃcult to move forward without stress and dissatisfaction in life. It means your motivations change depending on where you are in the hierarchy. To illustrate, let’s take a look at how our needs and associated motivations change from infancy to adulthood. As infants, we don’t feel any need for a career or life satisfaction. We simply need to rest, be fed, and have shelter over our heads. Feeding and survival are our only real needs and desires (as parents of newborns will tell you). As we grow from infants into teenagers, simply staying alive and healthy doesn’t bring satisfaction. We hunger for interpersonal relationships and friendships. What drives us is to ﬁnd a feeling of belonging and community. Then, as we mature into young adults, simply having a great group of friends is no longer enough to satisfy us. It feels empty, actually, without an overall sense of purpose. If, as young adults, we are fortunate enough to be able to provide ﬁnancial security and stability for ourselves and our families, then our desires and needs can turn outward rather than inward. It’s the same reason that people like Warren Buﬀett and Bill Gates start participating in philanthropy to make as big an impact as they can on the world. The stages of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs determine exactly what you’re motivated by depending on where you are in the hierarchy. The ﬁrst stage is physiological fulﬁllment. This is easily seen in the daily life of an infant. All that matters to them is that their basic needs for survival are met (i.e., food, water, and shelter). Without security in these aspects, it is diﬃcult for anyone to focus on satisfaction in anything else—it would actually be harmful to them to seek other forms of satisfaction. So this is the baseline level of fulﬁllment that must ﬁrst be met. The second stage is safety. If someone’s belly is full, they have clothes on their back, and they have a roof over their head, they need to ﬁnd a way to ensure that those things keep on coming. They need to have a secure source of income or resources to increase the certainty and longevity of their safety. The ﬁrst two stages are designed to ensure overall survival. Unfortunately, many people never make it out of these ﬁrst two stages due to unfortunate circumstances, and you can plainly see why they aren’t concerned with fulﬁlling their potential. The third stage is love and belonging. Now that your survival is ensured, you’ll ﬁnd that it is relatively empty without sharing it with people you care about. Humans are social creatures, and case studies have shown that living in isolation will literally cause insanity and mental instability, no matter how well fed or secure you are. This includes relationships with your friends and family and socializing enough so you don’t feel that you are failing in your social life. Of course, this stage is a major sticking point for many people— they are unable to be fulﬁlled or focus on higher desires because they lack the relationships that create a healthy lifestyle. Isn’t it easy to imagine someone who is stuck at a low level of happiness because they don’t have any friends? The fourth stage is self-esteem. You can have relationships, but are they healthy ones that make you feel conﬁdent and supported? This stage is all about how your interactions with others impact your relationship with yourself. This is a very interesting level of maturity in terms of needs because it boils down to self- acceptance. You know you have a healthy level of self-esteem when you can accept yourself even if you are misunderstood or outright disliked by others. For you to get to this stage and have a healthy level of self-esteem, you have to have accumulated certain achievements or earned the respect of others. There is a strong interplay between how you get along with others and help others and how you feel about yourself. The ﬁnal stage is self-actualization. The highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy is self-actualization. This is when you are able to live for something higher than yourself and your needs. You feel that you need to connect with principles that require you to step beyond what is convenient and what is comfortable. This is the plane of morality, creativity, spontaneity, lack of prejudice, and acceptance of reality. Self-actualization is placed at the top of the pyramid because this is the highest (and last) need people have. All the lower levels have to be met ﬁrst before a person can reach this last level. You know you are working with somebody who operates at a truly high level when they do not focus so much on what is important to them, their self-esteem, or how other people perceive them. This is the stage people are at when they say they want to ﬁnd their calling and purpose in life. Maslow’s theory may not accurately describe all of our daily desires, but it does provide an inventory for the broad strokes of what we want in life. We can observe people to understand which stage of life they are in, what is currently important to them, and what they require to get to the next level in the hierarchy. Consider a counselor who works at a women’s shelter. She can use the pyramid of needs to help her decide how to approach and communicate with the women who come there for help. She knows that when a woman ﬁrst turns up, she is primarily concerned with her physical safety. If she is ﬂeeing domestic violence, trying to secure funds, or is worried about the well-being of her children, she’s not going to be in a position to sit down and work through a cheesy self-love workbook with the counselor. At the same time, a woman who has been at the shelter for a few months has her physical needs largely fulﬁlled, but may be in the mindset of needing to feel companionship and belonging. The counselor knows that she needs to befriend and support such a woman. It would be utterly useless to try to talk to either of these women about high-level concepts like compassionately forgiving your abuser or going on to make meaning of your story. On the other hand, a woman who survived domestic abuse and was recovering well might have needs higher up on the hierarchy, and will seek more for herself. A good counselor would use this knowledge to frame how she spoke to each one, and tailor her advice and support to match each woman’s deeper motivation. Such a counselor would no doubt be described as a person who understood others. But let’s say the counselor encounters a woman one day who is beaten black and blue by her partner, but nevertheless denies that she’s being abused, and simply changes the topic when anyone mentions it. What’s going on here? Our next section explores one key way in which people seek pleasure, avoid pain, and try to address their needs—that is, through defense mechanisms. Defense of the Ego Protecting yourself from others is a frequent reason for our behaviors, and we are highly motivated to shield the ego for many reasons. The ego’s instinct to protect itself can be reality-bending and can cause mass intellectual dishonesty and self-deception. As such, this is another highly predictable indicator we can use to analyze people’s behavior. Someone who’s underperforming at work might feel the need to protect their perceived skills and talent by deﬂecting responsibility to: “The boss has always had it in for me. And who trained me? Him! It’s all his fault one way or another.” Someone who trips and falls yet fancies themselves graceful will blame the fact that it rained six days ago, their shoes have no grip, and who put that rock there, Someone who fails to make the school basketball team will grumble that the coach hated them, they weren’t used to that particular style of play, and they didn’t really want to make the team, anyway. This is what it sounds like when the ego steps in to protect itself. There’s so much justiﬁcation and deﬂecting going on that it’s diﬃcult to know what is real and what is not. This all stems from the universal truth that nobody likes to be wrong or to fail. It’s embarrassing and conﬁrms all of our worst anxieties about ourselves. Instead of accepting being wrong as a teachable moment or lesson, our ﬁrst instinct is to run from our shame and cower in the corner. This is the same reason we will persist in an argument to the death, even if we know we are one hundred percent wrong. If the ego had a physical manifestation, it would be sizable, sensitive, and heavily armored (to the point of going on the oﬀensive)—essentially a giant porcupine. When the ego senses danger, it has no interest or time to consider the facts. Instead, it seeks to alleviate discomfort in the quickest way possible. And that means you lie to yourself so you can keep the ego safe and sound. We try to cover up the truth, deﬂect attention from it, or develop an alternative version that makes the actual truth seem less hurtful. And it’s right in that moment that intellectual dishonesty is born. Are any of those convoluted theories likely to withstand any amount of scrutiny? Probably not, but the problem is that the ego doesn’t allow for acknowledgment and analysis of what really happened. It blinds you. Let’s be clear: these aren’t lies that you dream up or concoct in advance. You do not intend to lie to yourself. You don’t even feel they’re lies. You may not even know you’re doing it, as sometimes these defense mechanisms can occur unconsciously. They’re not explicitly intellectually dishonest because you want to delude yourself. Rather, they’re automatic strategies that the constantly neurotic ego puts into action because it’s terriﬁed of looking foolish or wrong. Unfortunately, that’s the worst zone to be in, as it means you don’t know what you don’t Over time, these ego-driven errors in thinking inform your entire belief system and give you rationalized justiﬁcations for almost everything. You never make any sports team because the coaches always hate you, and you keep failing the driving test because your hand-eye coordination is uniquely These lies become your entire reality, and you rely on them to get yourself through problematic situations or to dismiss eﬀorts to ﬁnd the truth. We’re not talking about just giving excuses for why you aren’t a violin virtuoso; this manner of thinking can become the factors that drive your decisions, thinking, and evaluations of anything and anyone. So if you’re struggling to understand someone who doesn’t appear to be able to utter the words “I’m wrong,” now you know exactly what’s going on in their head. They may not know, but at least you are able to analyze them more deeply. Let’s take Fred. Fred was an ardent fan of a pop star his whole life. He grew up listening to his music and formed a lot of his identity around his admiration for him. We’re talking an entire bedroom wall ﬁlled with posters of this star and outﬁts that were replicas of this star’s clothes hanging in his closet. Late in his career, this pop star was put on trial for a serious crime. Fred steadfastly stood by his pop star idol, even as lurid details of his case were reported by courtroom reporters to the press. “Nobody I admire this way would ever be guilty of this,” Fred said. “It’s all just a conspiracy put together by the people who resent him for whatever reason.” The pop star was ultimately found guilty and sentenced to multiple years in prison. Fred had shown up outside the courthouse bearing a sign that protested his star’s innocence. Even as compelling evidence was eventually released to the press, Fred maintained that the pop star was absolutely innocent, dismissing all of the victims’ claims by protesting that they were “jealous” and “just trying to get into the spotlight themselves.” Why would Fred continue to insist, against all reasonable and provable evidence, that his idol was innocent? Because his ego was so wrapped up in his worship of the pop star that it was predisposed to consider him blameless. For him to believe the truth would have meant a devastating blow to almost everything he believed in worship a What does that say about me?), and the ego wasn’t going to let that happen for a minute—even if it meant making him deny compelling and unshakable proof that the star was guilty. In your pursuit of truth and clear thought, your ego will rear its ugly head like the enraged porcupine. It has set up a series of tactical barriers to keep you from learning something that might upset your belief system, and it is only after you can rein in your ego that you are open to learning. After all, you can’t defend yourself and listen at the same time. Defense mechanisms are the speciﬁc ways we protect our ego, pride, and self-esteem. These methods keep us whole when times are tough. The origin of the term comes from Sigmund Freud. These so-called defense mechanisms are also a powerful predictor of behavior and will give you a deep insight into why people do what they do. Defense mechanisms can take many varied and colorful forms, but there are a few common patterns that you’ll see in others (and hopefully yourself!). These psychological shields rear up when the ego senses something it doesn’t agree with, can’t face, or wishes wasn’t true. Loss, rejection, uncertainty, discomfort, humiliation, loneliness, failure, panic... all of these can be defended against using certain mental tricks. These mechanisms are there to protect us from experiencing negative emotions. They work in the moment, but in the long run, they are ineﬀective since they rob us of the opportunity to face, accept, and digest inevitably negative emotions as they crop up. Naturally, if you can observe somebody using a defense mechanism, you can instantly infer a lot about them and their world, particularly about the things they ﬁnd themselves unable to deal with. This in turn tells you a lot about how they see themselves, their strengths and weaknesses, and what they value. Let’s look at some defense mechanisms with concrete examples. You just might recognize these two defense mechanisms put forth by his daughter, Anna Freud: denial and rationalization. Denial is one of the most classic defense mechanisms because it is easy to use. Suppose you discovered that you were performing poorly at your job. “No, I don’t believe that report ranking all the employees. There’s no way I can be last. Not in this world. The computer added up the scores incorrectly.” What is true is simply claimed to be false, as if that makes everything go away. You are acting as if a negative fact doesn’t exist. Sometimes we don’t realize when we do this, especially in situations that are so dire they actually appear fantastical to us. All you have to do is say “no” often enough and you might begin to believe yourself, and that’s where the appeal of denial lies. You are actually changing your reality, where other defense mechanisms merely spin it to be more acceptable. This is actually the most dangerous defense mechanism, because even if there is a dire problem, it is ignored and never ﬁxed. If someone continued to persist in the belief they were an excellent driver, despite a string of accidents in the past year, it’s unlikely they would ever seek to practice their driving skills. Rationalization is when you explain away something negative. It is the art of making excuses. The bad behavior or fact still remains, but it is turned into something unavoidable because of circumstances out of your control. The bottom line is that anything negative is not your fault and you shouldn’t be held accountable for it. It’s never a besmirching of your abilities. It’s extremely convenient, and you are only limited by your imagination. Building on the same prior example of poor job performance, this is easily explained away by the following: your boss secretly hating you, your coworkers plotting against you, the computer being biased against your soft skills, unpredictable traﬃc aﬀecting your commute, and having two jobs at once. These ﬂimsy excuses are what your ego needs to protect itself. Rationalization is the embodiment of the sour grapes A fox wanted to reach some grapes at the top of a bush, but he couldn’t leap high enough. To make himself feel better about his lack of leaping ability, and to comfort himself about his lack of grapes, he told himself the grapes looked sour, anyway, so he wasn’t missing out on anything. He was still hungry, but he’d rather be hungry than admit his failure. Rationalization can also help us feel at peace with poor decisions we’ve made, with phrases such as, “It was going to happen at some point, anyway.” Rationalization ensures you never have to face failure, rejection, or negativity. It’s always someone else’s fault! While comforting, where do reality and truth go amidst all of this? Out the window, mostly. Intellectual honesty requires you to ﬁrst defeat your natural tendencies to be dishonest. Thoughts dictated by self-protection don’t overlap with clear, objective thoughts. Closely associated is Whereas in denial the reality is refused or downright rejected, repression is where a person pushes the thought or feeling so far out of consciousness, they “forget” it. It’s as though the threatening emotion never existed in the ﬁrst place. An example might be a child who experiences abuse. Because it is so painful, and because they had no way of helping themselves, they might push the memory so far away that they never have to deal with it. Sometimes, the overpowering emotion is unwelcome, but what is really unacceptable to the ego is where it comes from. In such a case, displacement might occur as a protection against unpleasant truths. A woman might work at a job she hates but cannot realistically leave. Simply, she cannot express or even acknowledge that she resents her job because this draws a threatening attention to her ﬁnancial bind. What she might do, though, is take that resentment and put it elsewhere. She might come home every day and kick the dog or yell at her children, convinced that they are the ones making her angry. It is easier and less risky to confront her feelings of anger when they are directed to her pets or children. Projection is a defense mechanism that can cause considerable damage and chaos if not understood for what it is. In this case, we place unwanted and unclaimed feelings onto someone or something else rather than seeing that they are a part of ourselves. We do not recognize our own “dark side” and project it onto others, blaming them for our shortcomings or seeing our ﬂaws in their actions. An example is a man who is cheating on his wife. He ﬁnds his own behavior unacceptable, but rather than allow himself to condemn his own actions, he projects that shame onto his (bewildered) partner and is suddenly suspicious of her behavior, accusing her of keeping something from The example of a blatantly homophobic man who is revealed to later be gay is so common by now it’s almost comical. Reaction formation just might be behind it. Whereas denial simply says, “This isn’t happening,” reaction formation goes a step further and claims, “Not only is that not happening, but the exact opposite is the case. Look!” A woman might be terriﬁed of her new cancer diagnosis and, rather than admit her fear, puts on a show to everyone of being courageous, preaching to others about how death is nothing to fear. In times of extreme emotional distress, you might ﬁnd yourself regressing to a simpler time (i.e., childhood). When you were young, life was easier and less demanding—to cope with threatening emotions, many of us return there, acting “childish” as a way to cope. A man might be facing some legal troubles over misﬁled taxes. Rather than face the situation, he gets into a screaming match with his accountant, banging his ﬁsts on the table in a “tantrum” and then pouting when people try to reason with him. Finally, we come to In the same way that projection and displacement take the negative emotions and place them elsewhere, sublimation takes that emotion and channels it through a diﬀerent, more acceptable outlet. A single man might ﬁnd the loneliness at home unbearable and channels that unmet need into doing charity work four nights a week. A woman may receive some bad news, but rather than get upset, she goes home and proceeds to do a massive spring clean of her home. A person might routinely turn panic and anxiety into a dedication to prayer, and so on. Defense of the ego is a nasty habit, but it’s easy to recognize when you know of its insidious presence. Sometimes we can’t help it; we’re all human. But we can use this to our advantage by using it as a clear quantity to analyze people with. Takeaways We’ve talked about analyzing and predicting behavior based on people’s emotions and values, but what about motivation? It turns out there are a few prominent and fairly universal models of motivation that can give you a helpful framework to understand people with. When you can pinpoint what people are motivated by, you can see how everything leads back to it either directly or indirectly. Any discussion on motivation must begin with the pleasure principle, which generally states that we move toward pleasure and move away from pain. If you think about it, this is omnipresent in our daily lives in both minuscule and huge ways. As such, this actually makes people more predictable to understand. What is the pleasure people are seeking, and what is the pain they are avoiding? It’s always there in some way. Next, we move to the pyramid of needs, otherwise known as Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. It states that we are all seeking various types of needs in various points in our lives; when you can observe which level other people are in, you can understand what they are seeking out and motivated by. The levels of the hierarchy are as follows: physiological fulﬁllment, safety, love and belonging, self-esteem, and self-actualization. Of course, this model, as well as the next one, also functions based on the pleasure principle. Finally, we come to defense of the ego. This is one of our most powerful motivators, but it is mostly unconscious. Simply put, we act to guard our ego from anything that would make us feel psychologically In doing so, it is so powerful that it allows us to bend reality and lie to ourselves and others—all outside of our conscious awareness. Defense mechanisms are the ways that we avoid responsibility and negative feelings, and they include denial, rationalization, projection, sublimation, regression, displacement, repression, and reaction formation, to name a few. When you know the ego is in play, it often takes front stage over other motivations. Chapter 2. The Body, the Face, and Clusters The idea that people cannot help but reveal their true intentions and feelings one way or another is an appealing one. People can say whatever they like, but it’s always been understood that “actions speak louder than words” and that people’s facial expressions or body language can inadvertently reveal their deepest selves. We are in eﬀect communicating all the time, sending out information about our intentions and feelings—but only a small fraction of this is verbal. Observing people’s actions and behavior in real time is what we most commonly understand to be analyzing people. It might seem natural to look to people’s physical bodies in space to intuit what’s going on in their heads, and there’s plenty of scientiﬁc evidence to support these claims. Physical appearance can tell you a lot about a person’s feelings, motivations, and fears, even if they’re actively trying to conceal these. In other words, the body doesn’t lie! Nevertheless, this approach to understanding people’s motivations is not foolproof. When we’re interacting with others and trying to understand what makes them tick, it’s important to be cautious in making assumptions. We’re all individuals, and context is very important. Though we can use various methods to read facial expressions and body language, it pays to remember that no single piece of information is enough to “prove” anything, and that the art of reading people this way comes down to taking a holistic view of the full scenario as it unfolds in front of you. Look at my Face Let’s begin with Haggard and Isaacs in the 1960s. They ﬁlmed couples’ faces during therapy and noticed little expressions that could only be caught when the ﬁlm was slowed down. Later on, Paul Ekman expanded on his own theory on microexpressions and published a book, Telling We all know how to read facial movements that last up to four seconds in duration—but there are quicker, more ﬂeeting expressions that are so fast, they could easily be missed by the untrained eye. According to Ekman, facial expressions are actually physiological reactions. These expressions occur even when you’re not around anyone who could see them. He found that across cultures, people used microexpressions to display their emotions on their faces in very predictable ways—even when they were attempting to conceal them or even when they themselves were unaware of the emotion. His research led him to believe that microexpressions are spontaneous, tiny contractions of certain muscle groups that are predictably related to emotions and are the same in all people, regardless of upbringing, background, or cultural expectation. They can be as quick as one-thirtieth of a second long. But catching them and understanding what they mean is a way to cut through what is merely said to get to the deeper truth of what people feel and believe. Macroexpressions can be, to some extent, forced or exaggerated, but microexpressions are understood to be more genuine and diﬃcult to fake or else suggestive of concealed or rapidly changing emotions. Within the brain, there are two neural pathways related to facial expressions. The ﬁrst is the pyramidal responsible for voluntary expressions (i.e., most macroexpressions), and the extrapyramidal responsible for involuntary emotional facial expressions (i.e., microexpressions). Researchers have discovered that individuals who experience intense emotional situations but also external pressure to control or hide that expression will show activity in both these brain pathways. This suggests that they’re working against one another, with the more conscious and voluntary expressions dominating the involuntary ones. Nevertheless, some tiny expressions of the real emotion may “leak” out—this is what you’re looking for when you attempt to read a person in this way. So just exactly how does one learn to read these expressions? Can you really decode a person’s deepest feelings just by looking at a twitch of their nose or a wrinkle in their brow? According to Ekman, there are six universal human emotions, all with corresponding minuscule facial expressions. Happiness is seen in lifted cheeks, with the corners of the mouth raised up and back. Wrinkles appear under the eyes, between the upper lip and nose, and in the outside corner of the eyes. In other words, the movements we’re all familiar with in an ordinary smile are there on a micro level too. Microexpressions suggesting sadness are also what you’d expect. The outer corner of the eyes droops down, along with the corners of the lips. The lower lip may even tremble. Eyebrows may form a telltale triangle shape. For the emotion of disgust, the upper lip lifts and may be accompanied by wrinkles above it and wrinkles on the forehead. The eyes may narrow slightly as the cheeks are raised. For anger, eyebrows lower and tense up, often at a downward angle. Eyes tighten, too, and the lips may be pursed or held stiﬄy open. The eyes are staring and piercing. Fear, on the other hand, entails similar contractions but upward. Whether open or closed, the mouth is tense, and both upper and lower eyelids are lifted. Finally, surprise or shock will show itself in elevated brows— rounded rather than triangular, like with sadness. The upper eyelids lift up and the lower eyelids stretch downward, opening the eyes wide. Sometimes, the jaw can hang loosely open. As you can see, microexpressions are not very diﬀerent from macroexpressions in the muscles that are involved; the main diﬀerence is in their speed. Ekman demonstrated, however, that these quick ﬂashes of muscle contraction are so fast that people miss them: ninety-nine percent of people were unable to perceive them. Nevertheless, he also claims that people can be trained to look for microexpressions and in particular learn to detect liars, a classic example of saying one thing and feeling another. Ekman claims to be able to teach his technique within thirty-two hours, but for those of us who are curious about using the principles in our own lives, it’s easy to start. Firstly, look for discrepancies between what is said and what is actually demonstrated through facial expressions. For example, someone might be assuring you verbally and making promises but showing quick expressions of fear that betray their real position. Other classic indicators that you are being lied to include lifting the shoulders slightly while someone is vehemently conﬁrming the truth of what they’re saying. Scratching the nose, moving the head to the side, avoiding eye contact, uncertainty in speaking, and general ﬁdgeting also indicate someone’s internal reality is not exactly lining up with the external—i.e., they might be lying. Again, it’s worth mentioning here that this is not a foolproof method and that research has mostly failed to ﬁnd a strong relationship between body language, facial expression, and deceitfulness. No single gesture alone indicates anything. Many psychologists have since pointed out that discrepancies in microexpressions can actually indicate discomfort, nervousness, stress, or tension, without deception being involved. Nevertheless, when used as a tool along with other tools, and when taken in context, microexpression analysis can be powerful. Granted, you’ll need to stare quite intently at the person and observe them in a way that’s uncomfortable and too obvious for normal social situations. You’ll also have to weed out tons of irrelevant data and decide what gestures count as “noise” or meaningless idiosyncrasies. At any rate, people who lack the required training have been shown to be astoundingly bad at spotting liars—despite feeling as though their gut intuitions about others’ deceit is reliable. This means that even a slight increase in accuracy you might gain from understanding and implementing the microexpression theory may make all the diﬀerence. A microexpression may be small, but it’s still a data point. All this talk of unmasking liars may make this technique seem rather combative and underhanded, but Ekman is careful to point out that “lies” and “deceit,” as he frames them, can also indicate the hiding of an emotion and not necessarily any malicious intent. There is certainly an allure in playing detective and uncovering people’s secret feelings, but in reality, the use of microexpression analysis is a bit like CSI: it always looks a bit more impressive on TV than it is in real life. Furthermore, the goal in developing the skill of microexpression analysis is not to play “gotcha!” to our friends and colleagues, but rather to enhance our own empathy and emotional intelligence and foster a richer understanding of the people around us. If you’re not convinced about using microexpressions to detect deception, another perspective is not to look for lies or classify expressions according to their duration, but rather to look at what an expression typically conveys. Then, depending on context and how the expression compares to what’s said you can come to your own conclusions. Nervousness is typically behind things like tightening the lips or twitching the corners of the mouth very quickly toward the ear and back. Quivering lips or chin, a furrowed brow, narrowed eyes, and pulled-in lips may also indicate the person is feeling tense. If a person you know is normally calm and composed but you suddenly notice plenty of these little signs while they tell you a tale you don’t quite believe, you might infer that, for some reason, they’re nervous about telling it to you. Whether this is because they’re lying or because their story is simply uncomfortable to tell—only you can decide from context. A person feeling dislike or disagreement might purse their lips tightly, roll their eyes, ﬂutter their eyelids brieﬂy, or crinkle their nose. They may also squint a little or narrow their eyes like a cartoon villain staring down the hero, close their eyes, or “sneer” a little in a slight expression of disdain. If a person opens the Christmas present you gave them and immediately proceeds to do all of the above, you might want to assume they don’t really like their gift, despite what they say to the contrary. Those dealing with stress may ﬁnd tiny ways to release that stress, giving themselves away even though for the most part they appear quite calm. Uncontrollable, fast blinking and making repetitive motions like twitching the cheek, biting the tongue, or touching parts of the face with their ﬁngers can all indicate someone who’s ﬁnding a particular situation stressful. This might make sense when someone’s in a job interview or being questioned in connection with a crime but may be more noteworthy if you spot it in seemingly calm situations. This discrepancy gives you a clue that all might not be as it appears. Pay attention also to asymmetry in facial expressions. Natural, spontaneous, and genuine expressions of emotion tend to be symmetrical. Forced, fake, or conﬂicting expressions tend not to be. And again, try to interpret what you see in context, and consider the whole person, including other body language. Remember that analyzing facial expressions is a powerful method of understanding others that’s more than “skin-deep,” but it’s not foolproof. Every observation you make is simply a data point and doesn’t prove anything either way. The skill comes in gathering as much data as you can and interpreting the whole, emerging pattern before you, rather than just one or two signs. For this reason, it’s best to use what you know about microexpressions as a supplement to other methods and tools. Body Talk Body language, for instance, may be just as powerful a language to learn to read and comprehend as facial expressions. After all, the face is simply a part of the body. Why focus on just one part when people’s postures and general movements can speak just as eloquently? Ex-FBI agent Joe Navarro is generally considered an authority in this ﬁeld and has used his experience to teach others about the wealth of information people share without ever opening their mouths (i.e., what he calls “nonverbal communication”). Originally from Cuba and having to learn English after moving to the U.S. when he was eight years old, Navarro quickly came to appreciate how the human body was “a kind of billboard that advertised what a person was thinking.” During his career he spoke at length about learning to spot people’s “tells”—those little movements that suggest that someone is uncomfortable, hostile, relaxed, or fearful. As with facial expressions, these tells may hint at deceit or lies but primarily indicate that someone is uncomfortable or that there is a discrepancy between what’s felt and what’s expressed. Armed with an understanding of how body language works, we can not only open up new channels on which to communicate with others, but pay attention to our own bodies and the messages we may be unwittingly sending to others. Firstly, it’s important to understand that nonverbal communication is inbuilt, biological, and the result of evolution. Our emotional responses to certain things are lightning-fast, and they happen spontaneously, whether we want them to or not. Importantly, they express themselves physically in the way we hold and move our bodies in space, potentially resulting in the transmission of thousands of nonverbal messages. It’s the more primitive, emotional, and perhaps honest part of our brain, the limbic brain, that’s responsible for these automatic responses. While the prefrontal cortex (the more intellectual and abstract part) is a little removed from the body, and more under conscious control, it’s also the part that’s capable of lying. But even though a person can say one thing, their bodies will always speak the truth. If you can tune into the gestures, movements, postures, patterns of touching, and even the clothing a person wears, you give yourself a more direct channel into what they really think and feel. Navarro claims that the majority of communication is nonverbal anyway—meaning you’re actively missing out on the bulk of the message by not considering body language. Consider that communication started out nonverbally. In our earliest histories, before the development of language, humankind most likely communicated by gestures, simple sounds, and facial expressions. In fact, from the moment a baby is born it instinctively makes faces to communicate that it’s cold, hungry, or frightened. We never need to be taught how to read basic gestures or understand tones of voice—this is because nonverbal communication was our ﬁrst communication and may still be our preferred form. Think of all the ways you already take nonverbal communication for granted—in the way you show love or demonstrate your anger. Even if you aren’t aware of it, we are all still processing vast amounts of information on nonverbal channels. Learn how to read this information and you can determine if someone is trying to deceive you or perhaps if someone is trying to conceal their feelings and true intentions from you. You’ve probably heard of the “ﬁght-or-ﬂight” response before, but there’s a third possibility: freeze. What’s more, these responses to danger may be quite subtle, but nevertheless, they speak to discomfort and fear. Our ancestors might have shown ﬁght-or-ﬂight when running from predators or enemy tribes, but those instincts might have followed us into the boardroom or classroom. The limbic brain is again responsible for these fear responses. Someone who is asked a diﬃcult question or put on the spot may look like a deer caught in headlights. They may lock their legs around a chair and stay ﬁxed tight in that position (this is the freeze response). Another possibility is physically moving the body away from what is perceived as threatening. A person may put an object on their lap or position their limbs toward the exit (the ﬂight response). Finally, a third person may “ﬁght.” This aggressive response to fear can show itself in picking arguments, verbally “sparring,” or adopting threatening gestures. In fact, the more competent you become at reading nonverbal signals, the more you may come to appreciate how fundamentally physical they are and how much they speak to our shared evolutionary history. In the past we might have literally fended oﬀ an attack with certain gestures or indeed set out to attack another with very obvious movements and expressions. These days, our world is very abstract and the things that threaten us are more verbal and conceptual—but the old machinery for expression, fear, aggression, curiosity, etc. is all still there, only perhaps expressed a little more subtly. Let’s consider what are called “pacifying behaviors.” These can oﬀer a key insight into someone who is feeling stressed, unsure, or threatened. Essentially, a pacifying behavior is what it sounds like—the (unconscious) attempt to self-soothe in the face of some perceived threat. When we feel stressed, our limbic brain may compel us to make little gestures designed to calm us: touching the forehead, rubbing the neck, ﬁddling with hair, or wringing the hands are all behaviors intended to soothe stress. The neck is a vulnerable area of the body, but one that is relatively exposed. Consider how aggressive people “go for the jugular” and you understand how the throat and neck can be unconsciously felt to be an area open for fatal attack. It makes sense then that someone unconsciously covering or stroking this area is expressing their struggle, emotional discomfort, or insecurity. Men may use this gesture more often than women; men may ﬁdget with their ties or squeeze the top of the neck, while women may put the ﬁngers to the suprasternal notch (the indent between the collarbones) or play nervously with a necklace. Pay attention to this behavior and you’ll notice how it reveals someone’s fears and insecurities in real-time. Someone might say something a little aggressive and another person responds by leaning back slightly, crossing the arms, and putting one hand up to the throat. Notice this in real-time and you can infer that this particular statement has aroused some fear and uncertainty. Similarly, rubbing or touching the forehead or temples can signal emotional distress or overwhelm. A quick tap with the ﬁngers may reveal a momentary feeling of stress, whereas a prolonged cradling of the head in both hands can spell extreme distress. In fact, you can consider any cradling, stroking, or rubbing movement as the physical clue of a person’s need to self-pacify. This could mean touching cheeks when the person feels nervous or frightened, rubbing or licking the lips, massaging the earlobes, or running the ﬁngers through the hair or beard. Pacifying behaviors are not just things liked stroking or rubbing, though. Puﬃng out the cheeks and exhaling loudly is also a gesture that releases considerable stress. Have you ever noticed how many people will do this after hearing bad news or narrowly escaping an accident? An unexpected stress release response is yawning—rather than indicating boredom, the body’s sudden attempt to draw in more oxygen during stressful times is even seen in other animals. “Leg cleansing” is another, and it entails wiping down the legs as though to wash them or brush oﬀ dust. This can be missed if it’s hidden under a table, but if you can notice it, it is a strong indication of an attempt to self-soothe during stressful moments. “Ventilating” is another behavior you may not pay much attention to. Notice someone pulling their shirt collar away from their neck or tossing the hair away from the shoulders as though to cool oﬀ. They’re likely experiencing discomfort or tension. Though this might be literally because of an uncomfortable environment, it’s more likely a response to inner tension and stress that needs “cooling oﬀ.” One of the most obvious forms of pacifying behavior looks exactly like what a mother might do to a young child to soothe them: cradling and hugging one’s own body or rubbing the shoulders as though to ward oﬀ a chill all suggest a person who feels under threat, worried, or overwhelmed—these gestures are an unconscious way to protect the body. This is an important underlying principle across all of body language theory: that limbs and gestures may signal unconscious attempts to protect and defend the body. When you consider that the torso contains all the body’s vital organs, you can understand why the limbic brain has reﬂex responses to shield this area when threats are perceived—even emotional threats. Someone who is highly unresponsive to a request or who feels attacked or criticized may cross their arms as if to say, “Back oﬀ.” Raising the arms to the chest during an argument is a classic blocking gesture, almost as if the words being exchanged were literally thrown, causing an unconscious reﬂex to fend them oﬀ. On a similar note, slumping, loose arms can indicate defeat, disappointment, or despair. It’s as though the body is physically broadcasting the nonphysical sentiment of “I can’t do this. I don’t know what to do. I give up.” Let’s take it further. Imagine someone standing over a desk, arms spread wide. Aren’t you immediately reminded of an animal claiming territory? Wide, expansive gestures signal conﬁdence, assertiveness, and even dominance. If a person is standing with arms akimbo, they leave their torso exposed. This is a powerful way to communicate that they are conﬁdent in taking up room and don’t feel threatened or unsure in the least. Other gestures of conﬁdence and assertiveness include that favorite of politicians and businessmen the world over: “hand steepling.” The ﬁngertips are pressed together so they form a little steeple. It’s the classic negotiating gesture, signaling conﬁdence, poise, and certainty about your power and position, as though the hands were merely resting and calmly contemplating their next move. On the other hand (pun intended) wringing and rubbing the hands is more likely to demonstrate a lack of feeling in control or doubt in one’s own abilities. Again, this is a pacifying gesture designed to release tension. Hands are our tools to eﬀect change in the world and bring about our actions. When we ﬁdget, wring our hands, or clench our ﬁsts, we are demonstrating a lack of ease and conﬁdence in our abilities or ﬁnd it diﬃcult to act conﬁdently. What about the legs? These are often overlooked since they might be concealed under a desk, but legs and feet are powerful indicators too. “Happy feet” can bounce and jiggle—on the other hand, bouncy legs paired with other nervous or pacifying gestures may indicate an excess of nervous tension and energy or impatience... or too much coﬀee, you decide. Toes that point upward can be thought of as “smiling” feet and indicate positive, optimistic feelings

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