Non-violent_Communication.pdf

Nonviolent Communication Aman S. Elemo Activity What is violent communication; What is not non-violent communication? Nonviolent Communication Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a unique and powerful process for inspiring compassionate connection and action. It is an approac...

Nonviolent Communication Aman S. Elemo Activity What is violent communication; What is not non-violent communication? Nonviolent Communication Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a unique and powerful process for inspiring compassionate connection and action. It is an approach that focuses on individual human needs and how leaving them unfulfilled can trigger conflicts within ourselves and between ourselves and others. The purpose of NVC is to help all involved to sharpen their awareness of language so that they can express what really matters to them, and also hear what really matters to others. It involves empathic communication whereby we can attune ourselves to both our own and other people’s real needs. What is Violent Communication? Violent communication involves threatening, judging, dehumanizing, blaming, or coercing others in order to get our way in a situation. Violent communication creates misunderstanding and frustration, pain and disagreements. What violent communication is, in everyday desired relationship terms, is a way of thinking and speaking that gets in the way of the quality of connection for which we are looking. It can also lead to anger, shame, guilt, depression and, in extreme cases, emotional or physical violence.  Nonviolence does not mean being passive. Communication It is a courageous, active, and engaged way of life. Nonviolent Nonviolent Communication encourages us to identify what’s most important to us (our “needs,” or deeper values and objectives) and to advocate passionately for them. The difference is in how we go about this advocacy.  NVC helps you to create a high quality of connection out of which people spontaneously enjoy contributing to one another’s well-being. Communication NVC uses consciousness, language, and communication skills to create a framework from which individuals can: Nonviolent express their feelings and needs with clarity and self- responsibility; listen to others’ feelings and needs with compassion and empathy; facilitate mutually beneficial outcomes for all parties involved.  Nonviolent Communication Nonviolent Communication is a way of being in the world that has the purpose is to serve life and to create connection in such a way that everyone’s needs can be met through natural care. NVC evolved from concepts used in person-centered therapy and was developed by clinical psychologist Marshall Rosenberg beginning in the 1960s and 1970s. NVC is a communication tool with the goal of firstly creating empathy in the conversation. Everyone has certain needs and listening with empathy can have surprisingly positive effects, such as preventing or stopping cycles of violence, because it allows us to see others not as “monster[s]”, but as human-beings of equal worth who deserve to be treated with dignity. The idea is that once there is empathy between the parties in the conversation, it will be much easier to talk about a solution which satisfies all parties' fundamental needs. Components of Nonviolent Communication Nonviolent means to bring out the best in yourself by letting the way you communicate be led by love, respect, understanding, appreciation, compassion and care, instead of letting it be led by egocentrics, greed, prejudices and aggression. Nonviolent communication consists of two parts: to express yourself honestly and to listen honestly. Both parts include using the four elements of nonviolent communication: observing a situation, expressing the feelings that are triggered by it, identifying the underlying needs and finally formulating a wish or request. NVC is a linguistic method of conflict transformation that helps communicating in a more compassionate and authentic way in four steps: observation, feelings, needs and requests.  Components of NVC NVC is expressed through four components: Observations (as opposed to evaluations), Feelings (as opposed to thoughts), Needs (as opposed to interpretations) and Requests (as opposed to demands). The practice also has a strong emphasis on empathy, including self- empathy. Components to practice nonviolent communication Observation: These are facts (what we are seeing, hearing, or touching) as distinct from our evaluation of meaning and significance. NVC discourages static generalizations. The first step is to observe the situation and that includes the trait to perceive without judging. "When we combine observation with evaluation, others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying." Feelings: These are emotions or sensations, free of thought and story. Feelings are said to reflect whether we are experiencing our needs as met or unmet. Identifying feelings is said to allow us to more easily connect with one another. Showing empathy to others will also reduce negative feelings you might have. When you feel annoyed in traffic because the person in front of you is driving slowly, try to put yourself in his or her situation. Components to practice nonviolent communication Needs: These are universal human needs, as distinct from particular strategies for meeting needs. It is posited that "Everything we do is in service of our needs." Requests: Requests are distinguished from demands in that one is open to hearing a response of "no" without this triggering an attempt to force the matter. If one makes a request and receives a "no" it is not recommended that one gives up, but that one empathizes with what is preventing the other person from saying "yes," before deciding how to continue the conversation. It is recommended that requests use clear, positive, concrete action language.  Components to practice nonviolent communication It is important to differentiate pure feelings and what are actually interpretations and judgments. Sentences like: ´I feel you do not love me´ are not describing a feeling at all but are actually a hidden attack on the other person. The following words are examples of words that fall in the category of interpretation and judgement: deceived, manipulated, unheard, pressured and neglected. All of these words are a hidden attack on the other person, because they insinuate that they are the cause of your feeling, for which we learned that can never really be the cause. Better examples of words that describe feelings which result unmet needs are: powerless, alone, jealous, cranky and depressed. These words put the individual itself more in focus, without suggesting the other person has fault. Positive feelings that can be used to describe certain needs being fulfilled are: relaxed, proud, satisfied, feeling happy or touched.  Components to practice nonviolent communication Rosenberg explains the importance of taking responsibility for your own choices, which do influence your emotions. The trick is to REPLACE ´MUST´ WITH ´CHOOSE´ which can be done in three steps: Step 1: make a list of all the things you think that you must do. These are the activities that you do not enjoy doing, but you do them anyway because you believe that you have no choice. Step 2: rewrite all the point on the list from step 1 but start every sentence with: ´I choose to…´ This step usually generates some internal resistance. Step 3: replace the full stop of the second sentence with a comma and add a sentence which starts with ´because I would like to…´. Writing in this way helps to clarify what needs you are trying to fulfill with the stuff you do not really enjoy doing. Nonviolent Communication The following are a way of practicing nonviolent communication: Speak from I statements (I messages) Avoid making generalizations Listen to understand Connect with and identify your feelings Communicate compassionately  I and You Messages (non-violent communication) When communicating emotions, individuals need to have awareness of their emotions, non-blameful description of behavior found unacceptable, and the concrete effect of the unacceptable behavior. ‘I’ messages and ‘you’ messages were coined by Thomas Gordon, a student of Carl Rogers (Johnson, 2012). “I” messages, when used correctly, can enable individuals to speak up for themselves while respecting the right of others. “I” messages can help foster positive communication in relationships and may help share feelings and thoughts in an honest and open manner. I and You Messages For example, if you say, "You broke your promise," the answer is You-messages suggest blame, and encourage the likely to be, "No, I didn't," which sets you up for a lengthy recipient to deny wrong-doing or to blame back. argument, or, "Well, you did, too," which also continues the conflict. I-messages simply state a problem, without blaming someone for it. This makes it easier for the other side to help solve the problem, without having to admit that they were wrong ‘You’ messages begin with the pronoun “you” and imply that the listener is personally responsible for the feelings experienced by the speaking. Blaming wouldn’t let the speaker transfer messages clearly. And it is less likely to result in positive communication and fail to bridge mentalities. What an “I” Message does An “I” message can help reduce blaming, accusations, and defensiveness. An “I” message can help you communicate your concerns, feelings, and needs without blaming others or sounding threatening. It helps you get your point across without causing the listener to shut down. An “I” message says “this is how it looks from my side of things.”  What an “I” Message doesn’t do An “I” message is not about being polite. It’s about being clear. An “I” messages is not concerned with how the other person might respond. An “I” message is not intended to force another person to “fix the problem.” It is clear statement that says “this is how it looks from my perspective.” Even though “I” messages let you explain and how you would like things to be, it is free of expectations. If you expect the other person to respond as you want them to immediately, you probably have unrealistic expectations. An “I” Message is intended only to open up healthy conversation. Using it alone will not resolve the conflict. If you expect an “I” Message to fix the conflict, you probably have unrealistic expectations.  Four parts of an “I” Message “When you____________________________________________________________” state observation (Unwanted behavior) “I feel ________________________________________________________________” state feeling “Because ______________________________________________________________” state need “I would prefer that______________________________________________________” state preference (how you want it done)  Exercise A. “I feel frustrated (annoyed)…” B. “when my speech is interrupted…” C. “because I am not expressing my ideas uninterruptedly....” D. “I would like you to allow me finish what I wanted to say.”  Which of the above conditions state observation, feelings, need, and preferences of the person speaking  Translate the following into an “I” message “You never listen to anyone, and you’re not really listening to me now” I message: “I hate when you yell at the kids.” I message: “It’s rude of you to be late all the time. You screw up everyone’s schedule.” I message: “The salaries in this department are totally inequitable and discriminatory.” I message: “I feel disappointed by the salary structure in this department. The pay I receive makes me feel terribly underappreciated. I want to understand more about how salaries are calculated, and if raising my salary is possible in the next budget cycle.”