The Weight of Kindness PDF

***"The Weight of Kindness"*** ***A.M. Godines*** It is raining hard and the sky is painted black. Not even a single star dared to pierce the gloom, leaving me no choice but to shut my window against the storm and bury myself in my wooden chair. The room is lit up by the old lamp my mother got me...

***"The Weight of Kindness"*** ***A.M. Godines*** It is raining hard and the sky is painted black. Not even a single star dared to pierce the gloom, leaving me no choice but to shut my window against the storm and bury myself in my wooden chair. The room is lit up by the old lamp my mother got me when I turned 16. Time moves so quickly, it's almost unbearable to think about how long ago that day was. The rain is still pouring hard. I haven't heard any sounds aside from the cry of the night sky. I was about to turn my lamp off when my eyes shifted their gaze to my old shelf and saw the black notebook. I picked it up and blew the dust off. Looks like a diary. What could I have written here? I opened it and to my surprise, I didn't see any letter but rather evidence of something that was torn off. I wondered and pondered. What could have been written in there? Was I the one who tore it? Why, then? Questions are popping into my mind. However, I had no strength left in me to think beyond nor to answer all the questions. I decided to put it back when I took notice of a small piece of paper stuck in between the notebook. I took it and read the words\... *"Sorry, but you're not the only one who's hurting. Start moving on."* A flash of lightning illuminates the room, followed by the sharp crack of thunder. I leaned on my chair and took a deep sigh. The words left a heavy blow on me. I shut my eyes tightly, but my heart raced wildly, betraying my attempts at calm. *"Calm down. Calm down. Calm down."* I whispered to myself. It was early March 2014, the first week, and the familiar rumble of activity in the kitchen stirred me from my slumber. I blinked, momentarily blinded by the bright sunlight streaming through my Hello Kitty curtains. Groggy, I fumbled for my phone and saw that it was already 8 a.m. Reluctantly, I sat up, craving the sweet comfort of sleep just a little longer. My mom had just returned from our store, busy preparing yet another dish, and I knew we had a lot of customers. *"Gel! Don't make me repeat myself! The store is empty! Go there! And bring your brother with you!"* Her impatience echoed through the house. *"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"* I let out a muffled scream. *"So early in the morning..."* I whispered, half-heartedly. But eventually, I found myself walking to the store, my brother trailing behind. He had that familiar, grumpy look on his face---the one I knew too well from countless mornings like this. In our little carinderia, I witnessed how children mind their own business, completely absorbed in their play. They took over the road, turning it into their playground, joyfully engaged in every variety of "*Larong Pinoy."* Their laughter rang out like music, echoing through the neighborhood. Though, sometimes, their joyful exuberance would pierce the tranquility of a well-earned siesta, breaking the peaceful lull with bursts of playful chaos. However, I cannot hide the fact that it reminded me of simpler times when I used to be like them, knowing nothing but playing outside and with anyone, creating a vibrant tapestry of friendship and innocence. I glanced at my phone and saw it was already 10 o'clock. I told my brother to prepare for school, and I did the same. We both had afternoon classes, so I needed to take him to school first before making my way to my own. After dropping my brother off at his school, I turn to continue my journey, the familiar path stretching ahead of me. With each step, I can feel the sun's unforgiving rays beating down, a reminder of the sweltering heat that envelops me. The air is thick with humidity, making it feel like I'm wading through a heavy blanket. My umbrella, held high, provides a semblance of shade, but the fabric feels flimsy against the intensity of the sun. It casts a small shadow, barely enough to shield me from the relentless heat that seeps through, leaving my skin prickling with discomfort. The sound of my footsteps echoes softly on the street, a rhythmic reminder of the distance I still need to cover. As I approach the school gates, anticipation mingles with the fatigue weighing on me. The building looms ahead, a place of learning and connection, and despite the heat and the smell, I can't help but feel a flicker of excitement for the day ahead. I finally arrived at our classroom, the door swinging open to reveal a lively atmosphere buzzing with energy. As soon as I stepped inside, my friends rushed over, their faces lighting up with joy. They greeted me as if we hadn't seen each other in years, wrapping me in warm embraces and excited chatter. *"Gel, did he message you?"* Jelene asked. She was one of my closest friends---tall with a mane of wavy hair that framed her face perfectly. A talented guitarist, she had a natural gift for making friends, and above all, she excelled in Science, which was her true passion. *"Who?"* I asked, curiosity piqued about whom she was referring to. *"Best friend,"* she replied simply, her tone casual. *"Ah*!" I responded, a hint of realization dawnping on me. *"No, it's been a week since we last spoke on the phone. He mentioned he'd be away for a while, attending to something important. He said he'd message me when he got back."* *"I figured as much,"* she said, a knowing look in her eyes. *"He told me the same thing. I just wanted to check if he'd reached out to you. Anyway, let's get back to our seats. Ma'am should be here any minute."* With that, she turned and walked away, leaving me standing by the entrance. Throughout the class, my mind kept replaying the earlier conversation with Jelene. Something felt off, a nagging sensation I couldn't shake. I struggled to concentrate on the lecture, my thoughts drifting like leaves in the wind. It was as if the very atmosphere had shifted, wrapping around me in an unsettling embrace. The bell rang, slicing through the chatter of the classroom and signaling the end of another long period. I stood up, scanning the room for Jelene. When our eyes finally met, she quickly averted her gaze. Grabbing her bag, she strode purposefully toward the door, leaving a charged silence in her wake. *"What the hell is wrong with her?"* I whispered to myself, a mix of confusion and concern swirling in my gut. I grabbed my bag and went to Pinky, one of my closest friends. With her long, glossy black hair, fair skin, and easy-going vibe, she radiated an infectious energy that always drew people in. I slipped my arms around her shoulders and greeted her with a question. *"Did he message you?"* *"OMG! You startled me!"* I locked eyes with her, the urgency in my tone cutting through her surprise. *"What?"* she replied, her brow furrowing in confusion. *"I asked if he messaged you."* *"Who?"* Her brow furrowed, skepticism creeping into her voice. *"My cousin?"* *"Yes,"* I confirmed, my heart racing slightly. *"Girl, he's busy, remember? He hasn't messaged me. I don't have any updates, either. His family hasn't reached out at all."* Her tone was a mix of frustration and disappointment, and I could sense her worry beneath the surface. *"I see."* I replied, the weight of the conversation hanging in the air. *"Look, Jelene asked me if your cousin had messaged me,"* I continued as we walked toward the door. *"I told her he hadn't. Didn't your cousin say he'd be away for a while? So why would she ask that?"* I turned to face Pinky, my tone sharp and demanding. Our eyes locked for a moment, but she quickly shifted her gaze, a flicker of unease passing across her face. *"What the---"* The voice in my head uttered. A sudden unease washed over me; I sensed they were hiding something. But then Pinky looked at me, her smile bright yet unsettling. *"She's probably just missing him,"* she said lightly. *"We both know how close they are."* Her words felt like a veil over the truth, and I couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to the story. We parted ways as soon as we reached the gate. She told me not to worry, insisting that everything was okay. Her words puzzled me; it felt as if she were trying to reassure me about a storm I hadn't even noticed. Why did she say that, as if all had never truly been good before? The moon gleamed softly across my bedroom, casting shadows that danced on the walls. I lay there, staring at the ceiling for so long that I felt I could pierce through the roof itself. Anxiety gnawed at me, making it impossible to fall asleep. I finally reached for my phone and messaged him. *"Hey! You're okay, right? I hope so. Jelene seemed really worried about you. She asked me about you. If you're done with your work, better message me, okay? Take care."* I hesitated before hitting send, remembering he'd said he had work to do, but the unease in my gut pushed me to reach out anyway. As expected, no reply. Another day dawned, and this time, Jelene seemed to have returned to her old self. As soon as I stepped into the classroom, she greeted me with a bright smile. Without hesitation, she brought up what had happened yesterday, explaining that her concern had simply stemmed from worry. *"I just wanted to know if he had reached you,"* she said, her eyes reflecting a mix of relief and sincerity. It was comforting to see her back to her usual self, the weight of yesterday lifting ever so slightly. The second week of March 2014. Just one week remained before we could dive into summer vacation. It had been two weeks since he told us he wouldn't be in touch, citing something important he needed to take care of. Neither Jelene nor Pinky had mentioned him since, which only deepened my curiosity. I couldn\'t shake the feeling that he might have gone out of town---or even out of the country. Every time I tried to call, he was always out of reach, leaving me to wonder what he was up to and if he was truly okay. The rain fell in a steady rhythm, yet the sun shone fiercely, creating an oppressive humidity that clung to the students as they wandered through the school, searching for their names and discovering their sections. June 2013 has been finally displayed on everyone's calendar, reminding both primary and secondary students that the school year 2013-2014 has begun. Almost an hour passed before I spotted my name on a list pinned to the door of the farthest classroom in the single-story building. We had been informed that the classroom of III-Rizal was still under construction, prompting the principal to merge our section with the others. This unexpected twist led me to the Luna section, marking the beginning of a year filled with new experiences and possibilities. I found myself in the company of Jelene and Pinky, who quickly became my closest friends. After class, we often hung out together, forging a bond that would define my year. Sometimes we gathered at my house, where we played Scrabble, and other times we ventured to Jelene's place to savor delicious street food. But more often than not, we flocked to Pinky's house, as she spent a lot of time alone. She lived with her grandfather, who, due to his commitments to the church, had begun to spend extended periods away, leaving Pinky to navigate the quiet of their home on her own. One day, we decided to hang out at Pinky\'s house since we didn\'t have any classes. We sprawled out on the couch, basking in the lazy afternoon when Pinky grabbed her phone and made a call. The voice on the other end was unmistakably male. Who could it be? It turned out to be Kuya Benj, Pinky's cousin. A second-year engineering student, he lived in Antipolo with his brother, Rain. The two were like night and day---Benj exuded maturity and responsibility, while Rain, a third-year high schooler like us, was more carefree and impulsive. Despite the stark contrast in their personalities, I found myself drawn to Rain. We clicked instantly, bonding over shared interests and laughter, even though we had yet to meet face-to-face. Our connection deepened over countless phone calls and texts, and we developed our own little endearment for each other. It felt surreal, and even without a meeting, we had each other\'s backs. It was as if the distance didn't matter; our friendship was already solid, built on trust and understanding, waiting for the day we would finally hang out in person. Last week of February 2014, Thursday. When I got back from class, the first thing I did was check my phone. I still couldn\'t wrap my head around the school\'s rule against bringing phones; it felt so unnecessary. I grabbed my device and noticed a notification from Rain*. "Espren,"* he had messaged---our little endearment, short for \"best friend.\" The message was sent three hours earlier. *"What's wrong? I just got back from school,"* I quickly typed back. His response came almost instantly. *"Did Pinky inform you? My brother and I will be in Bulacan this coming Saturday. See you soon, Espren!"* A surge of excitement coursed through me. I hadn't expected to see them so soon! I grabbed my calendar and circled the date. A wide grin spread across my face as I stared at the bright circle, the anticipation bubbling inside me. I could hardly believe it---I was finally going to meet Rain and Kuya Benj! The thought sent a rush of excitement coursing through me, and I felt a flutter of nerves mixed with joy. This was the moment I had been waiting for, and I couldn't wait to see how our connection would transform in person. The next day, Jelene greeted me with a warm embrace, her excitement palpable. As she pulled back, her eyes sparkled with enthusiasm as she began to tell me all about Kuya Benj and Rain. I had almost forgotten that Rain and Jelene were friends too. Best friends, to be exact. They also had an endearment, *"Best friend".* It perfectly encapsulated the warmth and affection they shared, a testament to their deep connection. Her eyes glittered as she recounted stories, her voice animated and filled with joy. *"I can't believe it's actually happening! My prayers were heard!"* she exclaimed; her happiness infectious. It was a reminder of just how much this moment meant to both of us, and I couldn\'t help but share in her excitement. Saturday. The day had finally arrived. Jelene and I set off for Pinky's house, our hearts racing with anticipation. We wanted to surprise Rain and Kuya Benj, so we put a lot of thought into our preparations, even picking out thoughtful gifts to share. As we made our way, the excitement was palpable, radiating between us. We exchanged gleeful glances, each of us aware of the joy that this moment would bring. It was evident how much this reunion meant to us, and we couldn't wait to see the looks on their faces when we finally revealed ourselves. The air was charged with a sense of happiness, and I knew this day would be one to remember. Our plans took an unexpected turn. Just as we were buzzing with excitement, Pinky received a message from Kuya Benj: they couldn't make it due to an emergency. The message was vague, leaving us hanging, full of unanswered questions. We anxiously checked our phones, hoping for a message from Rain, but our hearts sank as we saw nothing. A wave of disappointment washed over us, silencing the excitement that had filled the air just moments before. It felt like the universe had conspired against our long-awaited reunion, leaving us in a state of uncertainty. Later in the evening, I received a message from Rain. He expressed his apologies, explaining that his mother had been rushed to the hospital due to difficulty breathing. As much as he wanted to come and see us, he couldn't leave her side at such a critical moment. I assured him that everything would be okay, holding onto the hope that his mother would recover. When I didn't hear back, my concern only deepened. I decided to reach out once more, sending a message filled with warmth and support. Hours passed in anxious anticipation, and just as fatigue began to settle in, I drifted off to sleep, still worrying about him. The next day, Sunday, I woke up, realizing that I had fallen asleep last night without checking my messages. My heart raced as I grabbed my phone, feeling a mixture of excitement and anxiety. I quickly scanned my inbox, hoping for a response from him, and I was relieved to see that there was a new message. It was from Rain. *\"Thank you, Gel. My mother was finally discharged from the hospital. Don't worry about me or my mom. We're all doing fine. I hope you and your family are too. Anyway, I'll be away for a while since I have some things to take care of. I can't say when I'll be back, but I'll message you once I'm done. Take care always.\"* I read the message over and over again. The weight of his words brought a fleeting sense of comfort, but there was an underlying sadness too. He was going away, but he'd promised to reach out when he could. I didn't think much of it then. I believed in him. Ten years have passed since then, yet I still haven't heard from him. Not a single word, not a single message. And despite the years that have gone by, I'm still waiting. But how could he reply? He's dead. I trembled as the truth hit me. The reality of the silence, the empty space he left behind, flooded over me like a relentless wave. My heart pounded painfully in my chest, and before I could stop them, the tears fell---hot and uncontrollable. I've never truly gotten over you, Espren. You left me hanging in a way I'll never understand. I hate you for that. And\... I hate them too. I bow my head, burying my face in my hands as sobs wracked my body. The pain is still sharp, and fresh, even though it had been so many years. It was the second week of April 2014, and my anxiety had grown unbearable. A month had passed since that last message. I couldn't stand it any longer. I needed to reach out. I needed to do something. So, I sent him another message, hoping against hope for a reply, even though I knew it was a hopeless gesture. *\"Hi, Espren. How are you? Are you okay? I hope so. Hey, it's been a month! When will you get back? I miss you. I miss our banter, and our late-night talks. Please, reply. Please!\"* I stared at the screen, my thumb hovering over the send button for longer than I should have. But I hit send, feeling both desperate and foolish. And then\... I waited. Seconds stretched into minutes. Minutes into hours. My phone suddenly buzzed, breaking the silence. My heart leaped into my throat as I looked at the screen. It was a message. From Espren? I opened it quickly, my pulse quickening. But then my heart froze. It wasn\'t from him. It was from Kuya Benj. *\"Hi, Gel. Thank you for not forgetting my brother. I know it's really hard to accept his death, and even I, still send messages hoping for his reply sometimes. I understand you, and I appreciate you for holding on like this. So, please, look after yourself. Okay? I can't afford to lose one of my brother's precious friends. I hope we'll meet someday.\"* The words on the screen blurred as tears filled my eyes. Wait--- Did I read that right? *"It's hard to accept his death"?* What death? Who's dead? My mind reeled, struggling to make sense of the words on the screen. My heart pounded, a heavy weight pressing down on my chest. Nothing in the message added up. I kept staring at the words, the reality not quite sinking in. I needed answers. Now. I immediately dialed Pinky's number, my hands shaking as I pressed the phone to my ear. *"Who's dead?"* I asked, my voice tight with disbelief. There was a pause on the other end before Pinky's voice came through, fragile and unsure*. \"You knew? Who told you?\"* I couldn't take it anymore. *"It doesn't matter. Just answer the damn question. Who is dead?"* I gripped the phone harder, my breath quickening. There was a long silence, and then Pinky's voice broke. *"Sorry, Gel..."* She choked on the words. "I should've told you already, but---" *"But what?"* My heart felt like it was about to stop. *"Don't I have the right to know the truth, huh? Pinky, I'm your friend. I'm his friend, too!"* I was shaking with frustration, my voice rising in desperation. But all I could hear from Pinky was the soft, guttural sound of her crying. My chest tightened. *\"Rain died from leukemia,\"* she whispered, her voice breaking as the weight of the words seemed to crush both of us. Her sobs trembled in the silence that followed, and I could hardly breathe. *\"The day we were supposed to meet them\... it wasn't Auntie who was rushed to the hospital,\"* she continued, her words slow and jagged, like she was reliving the moment over again. *\"It was him. That day\... he was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer.\"* Her voice faltered; each syllable heavier than the last. *\"Jelene told me not to tell you, Gel. She said it was better if you didn't know. That we should carry this burden alone. She said it was kinder, that you didn't need to suffer with us, that you'd be better off not knowing.\"* There was a long pause, thick with the grief we both shared but had never voiced before. *\"That\'s why\...\"* she trailed off, her voice lost in the aching silence*.* I froze. The world around me seemed to stop moving, and the air turned heavy, suffocating. Jelene knew? She knew and hadn't said a word. She kept it from me. The realization crashed over me, and I felt my knees give out beneath me. I ended the call with a dull click, the phone slipping from my hand as I collapsed to the floor. Tears flooded my face. I didn't know how to process it, how to understand why no one told me, why they kept it a secret. Why? I cried. I cried for him, for the times that had passed in silence, for the messages I had sent into the void. But most of all, I cried for the betrayal that felt like a knife twisting in my heart. I wanted to scream, to demand answers, but no words would come. There was only the emptiness---the suffocating realization that I had lost him, and no one had been brave enough to tell me. My mind was racing, overwhelmed by so many questions, but all I could do was weep. The tears fell freely, as if they were the only way my heart knew to release the crushing weight of betrayal. After what felt like an eternity, I summoned just enough strength to sit up. My hands trembled as I reached for my phone, my fingers shaking with anger and sorrow. With a deep breath, I typed something on my phone and sent it to all. I don't dare to message them directly. I'm hurt, afraid, and betrayed. *"If you truly consider yourselves friends, then you wouldn't lie to each other. I thought we had something real, something we could stand by, together, for better or for worse. But I was wrong. You've shown me who you really are. You're not my friends. You're bad. I hate you."* Jelene replied. *"Gel. I'm sorry. I understand your frustration but you need not post on Facebook. If you still have questions, then ask me. I'm willing to answer all your questions. Please understand that we didn't mean to do that. We just really wanted you not to suffer. Call us selfish, but we just did that for your sake. If you want to cut us off in your life, then we won't stop you. But please know that we are truly sorry."* I did not reply. I sent again another group message. *"At the end of the day, I still deserve to know the truth. End of conversation."* She replied again. *"Could you please stop? Sorry, but you're not the only one who's hurting. We're grieving too. We are all feeling sorry for what we did. Please accept our apology already. We're both trying our best to get over the death of our best friend. I hope you will too. Start moving on."* I didn't know how to move forward. I cannot move forward. 10 years have passed, and I still hate them. I still believe I deserve to know the truth. The rain is still pouring relentlessly. I still sit here, in my room, overthinking. What is it again? *"Sorry, but you're not the only one who's hurting?"* Those words from the note echoed in my mind, and I felt the sting all over again. Why the hell did I write that? My coping mechanism? But how dare they say that? How selfish! How could they pretend that my pain was any less real than theirs? *\"Start moving on?\"* How could I when the truth is this crushing?