Emotional Intelligence in Action PDF

 Contents On the Web Acknowledgments Introduction Part One: Using Emotional Intelligence to Create Real Change Chapter 1: The Case for Emotional Intelligence Emotions: What are They? Emotions and Identity Emotional Power Chapter 2: How Ever...

 Contents On the Web Acknowledgments Introduction Part One: Using Emotional Intelligence to Create Real Change Chapter 1: The Case for Emotional Intelligence Emotions: What are They? Emotions and Identity Emotional Power Chapter 2: How Everyone Can Use the Exercises Emotional Quotient Inventory (EQ-I2.0 and EQ360) ® Team Emotional and Social Intelligence Survey (TESI ) ® ® The Msceit™ Emotional Intelligence Skills Assessment Cross-Reference Matrix Part Two: Exploring Emotional Intelligence and Well-Being Skills Skill 1: Self-Regard What Is It? Why Should We Care About Self-Regard? How Can We Build Self-Regard? Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 2: Self-Actualization What Is It? Why Should We Care About Self-Actualization? How Can We Build Self-Actualization? Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 3: Emotional Self-Awareness What Is It? Why Should We Care About Emotional Self-Awareness? How Can We Build Emotional Self-Awareness? Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 4: Emotional Expression What Is It? Why Should I Care About Emotional Expressiveness? How Can We Build Emotional Expressiveness? Care To Express Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 5: Assertiveness What Is It? Why Should I Care About Assertiveness? How Can We Build Assertiveness? Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 6: Independence What Is It?  Why Should We Care About Independence? How Can We Build Independence? Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 7: Interpersonal Relationships What Are They? Why Should We Care About Interpersonal Relationships? How Can We Build Interpersonal Relationships? Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 8: Empathy What Is It? Why Should We Care About Empathy? How Can We Build Empathy? Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 9: Social Responsibility What Is It? Why Should We Care About Social Responsibility? How Can We Build Social Responsibility? Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 10: Problem Solving What Is It? Why Should We Care About Problem Solving? How Can We Build Our Problem Solving Competencies? Transformational Benefits  Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 11: Reality Testing What Is It? Why Should We Care About Reality Testing? How Can We Build Reality Testing? Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 12: Impulse Control What Is It? Why Should We Care About Impulse Control? How Can We Build Impulse Control? Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 13: Flexibility What Is It? Why Should We Care About Flexibility? How Can We Build Flexibility? Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 14: Stress Tolerance What Is It? Why Should We Care About Stress Tolerance? How Can We Build Stress Tolerance? Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 15: Optimism What Is It? Why Should We Care About Optimism? How Can We Build Optimism? Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Skill 16: Happiness/Well-Being What Is It? Why Should We Care About Happiness? How Can We Build Happiness? Transformational Benefits Star Performer Reel Performer Part Three: Emotional Intelligence Exercises to Build Effective Skills Exercise 1.1 Lighten Up With Self-Compassion Handout Exercise 1.2 Of Thine Own Self Be Aware Handout Exercise 1.3 Reconciliation Handout Exercise 1.4 Aspect and Roles Handout Exercise 2.1 Leverage Your Time With A 2% Solution Handout Your 2% Solution Handout Exercise 2.2 The Scavenger Hunt Handout Exercise 2.3 Becoming All That You Can Be Handout Exercise 2.4 Applying Inspiration Handout Exercise 3.1 Expanding Your Uncommon Awareness Handout Exercise 3.2 Are You In Touch? Handout Exercise 3.3 It Just Bubbles Up Handout Exercise 3.4 Moving Toward and Moving Away Handout Exercise 4.1 Expressing Resistance Handout Exercise 4.2 Say It Nonverbally! Handout Exercise 4.3 Exercise 4.4 Expressing Emotions in Social Media Handout Exercise 5.1 Developing Appropriate Assertiveness Within Your Team Handout Exercise 5.2 Role-Play Template Ramp It Up Handout Exercise 5.3 Dial It Back Handout Exercise 5.4 Getting Your Point Across Handout Exercise 6.1 Virtual Decision Making Handout Exercise 6.2 Cut The Apron Strings Handout Exercise 6.3 Solitary Effort Handout Exercise 6.4 Going Along With The Group—Or Not—Handout Exercise 7.1 Exercise 7.2 You’Ve Got Good News Handout Exercise 7.3 Making New Friends Handout Exercise 7.4 Exercise 8.1 Exercise 8.2 Exercise 8.3 Mixed Emotions Handout Exercise 8.4 Do As The Empathic Do Handout Exercise 9.1 Exercise 9.2 Reflect The Best Handout Exercise 9.3 Who Do I Work For? Handout Exercise 9.4 Exercise 10.1 When Problems Become Conflicts Handout Exercise 10.2 Emotions Affect Decision Making Handout Exercise 10.3 Purpose Sample Scenario: Cozy Coffee vs. National Biggie Mastersolve Model For Teams Handout Exercise 10.4 Win-Win Negotiating Handout Exercise 10.5 Let’s Cover Our Bases Handout Exercise 11.1 Exercise 11.2 Feel, Hear, See—Is It Reality? Handout Exercise 11.3 Visit Their Reality Handout Exercise 11.4 Using All Three of Your Minds Handout Exercise 12.1 Putting On The Brakes Handout Exercise 12.2 King Lear, Act 1, Scene 1, Handout To Impulse Or Not To Impulse Handout Exercise 12.3 The Urge To Splurge Handout Exercise 12.4 Hot Buttons Handout Exercise 13.1 The Highly Flexible Team Handout Exercise 13.2 No More Shutdowns Handout Exercise 13.3 Yes, No, Maybe So Handout Exercise 13.4 Exercise 14.1 EZ Stress Buster Handout Exercise 14.2 Personality Quiz Handout Scoring Sheet ’Cause You’ve Got Personality Handout Exercise 14.3 Exercise 14.4 Deep Center Breathing Handout Exercise 15.1 Optimistic Self-Talk and Behavior Handout Exercise 15.2 Be Solution-Focused Handout Exercise 15.3 Exercise 15.4 The Optimistic Explanation Handout Exercise 16.1 Beyond Personal Silos Handout Exercise 16.2 Growing My Happiness Handout Exercise 16.3 Exercise 16.4 Resources References About the Authors Index  About This Book Why is this topic important? Exploring and developing emotional intelligence not only makes us happier and more successful, but it helps us motivate ourselves, manage stress more effectively, and resolve conflict with others. It gives us the skills to be able to encourage, comfort, discipline, and confront different kinds of people appropriately in different situations. It determines how effectively we express our emotions within the cultural contexts of our families, our workplace, and our community. It determines how well people listen to us and how well we are heard. What can you achieve with this book? As an easy-to-use informational reference to the key components of emotional intelligence, this book is unsurpassed. The sixty-five cross-referenced exercises serve as an invaluable resource for trainers, coaches, facilitators, HR professionals, managers, and anyone who needs to build emotional intelligence competencies in their work with individuals, teams, or groups. Several books are available that discuss this topic, but very few provide exercises and learning scenarios to help build emotional intelligence skills. This book breaks new ground in providing a cross-reference matrix that maps the exercises to four of the leading emotional intelligence models—the EQ-i2.0® or EQ360®, TESI® and TESI® Short, the MSCEIT™, and EISA—making it easy to use with all the models. How is this book organized? This book is organized into three parts. Part One provides an overview of using emotional intelligence to create real change. It includes sections on why emotional intelligence is important and how to best use this book. It also contains the cross- reference table that maps the exercises to four leading emotional intelligence models. Last, it discusses the integral connection between thinking and emotions. Part Two gives a synopsis of sixteen components of emotional intelligence. Part Three features sixty-five exercises to help build effective emotional skills. Each exercise includes a purpose statement, summary, description of the outcome/desired results, estimated time, intended audience, skill level needed by facilitator, step-by-step instructions, and reproducible handout sheets for participants where applicable.  About Pfeiffer Pfeiffer serves the professional development and hands-on resource needs of training and human resource practitioners and gives them products to do their jobs better. We deliver proven ideas and solutions from experts in HR development and HR management, and we offer effective and customizable tools to improve workplace performance. From novice to seasoned professional, Pfeiffer is the source you can trust to make yourself and your organization more successful. Essential Knowledge Pfeiffer produces insightful, practical, and comprehensive materials on topics that matter the most to training and HR professionals. Our Essential Knowledge resources translate the expertise of seasoned professionals into practical, how-to guidance on critical workplace issues and problems. These resources are supported by case studies, worksheets, and job aids and are frequently supplemented with CD-ROMs, websites, and other means of making the content easier to read, understand, and use. Essential Tools Pfeiffer’s Essential Tools resources save time and expense by offering proven, ready-to-use materials—including exercises, activities, games, instruments, and assessments—for use during a training or team-learning event. These resources are frequently offered in looseleaf or CD-ROM format to facilitate copying and customization of the material. Pfeiffer also recognizes the remarkable power of new technologies in expanding the reach and effectiveness of training. 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If this book refers to media such as a CD or DVD that is not included in the version you purchased, you may download this material at http://booksupport.wiley.com. For more information about Wiley products, visit www.wiley.com. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Hughes, Marcia. Emotional intelligence in action : training and coaching activities for leaders, managers, and teams / Marcia Hughes, James Bradford Terrell.—2nd ed. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-1-118-12804-6 (pbk.); 978-1-118-17126-4 (ebk.); 978-1-118-17127-1 (ebk.); 978-1-118-17128-8 (ebk.) 1. Executives—Training of—Handbooks, manuals, etc. 2. Leadership—Study and teaching—Handbooks, manuals, etc. 3. Executive coaching—Handbooks, manuals, etc. 4. Counselors—Training of—Handbooks, manuals, etc. 5. Group facilitation— Handbooks, manuals, etc. 6. Personnel departments—Employees—Training of— Handbooks, manuals, etc. 7. Emotional intelligence—Handbooks, manuals, etc. 8. Active learning— Handbooks, manuals, etc. I. Terrell, James Bradford, 1951- II. Title. HD30.4.H824 2012 658.4’071245—dc23 2011041420 Acquiring Editor: Holly Allen Director of Development: Kathleen Dolan Davies Developmental Editor: Susan Rachmeler Production Editor: Michael Kay Editor: Rebecca Taff Editorial Assistant: Michael Zelenko Manufacturing Supervisor: Becky Morgan  This book is dedicated to all those who help others enhance the quality of life by developing deeper, more profound business and personal relationships. Their actions, which add richness, strength, and meaning to life, resonate throughout the world and transform our lives.  On the Web From the Internet, you can download for free the handouts that are part of the various exercises. To obtain these handouts electronically, please access the following web address: www.pfeiffer.com/go/EIAction2 password: training Below is a list of the handouts posted on the website. Self-Regard Lighten Up with Self-Compassion Of Thine Own Self Be Aware Reconciliation Aspect and Roles Self-Actualization Leverage Your Time with a 2% Solution Your 2% Solution The Scavenger Hunt Becoming All That You Can Be Applying Inspiration Emotional Self-Awareness Expanding Your Uncommon Awareness Are You in Touch? It Just Bubbles Up Moving Toward and Moving Away Emotional Expression Expressing Resistance Say It Nonverbally! Expressing Emotions in Social Media Assertiveness Developing Appropriate Assertiveness Within Your Team Ramp It Up Dial It Back Getting Your Point Across Independence Virtual Decision Making Cut the Apron Strings Solitary Effort Going Along with the Group—Or Not Interpersonal Relationships You’ve Got Good News Making New Friends Empathy Mixed Emotions Do as the Empathic Do Social Responsibility Reflect the Best Who Do I Work for? Problem Solving When Problems Become Conflicts Emotions Affect Decision Making MasterSolve Model© for Teams Win-Win Negotiating Let’s Cover Our Bases Reality Testing Feel, Hear, See—Is it Reality? Visit Their Reality Using All Three of Your Minds Impulse Control Putting on the Brakes King Lear, Act 1, Scene 1 To Impulse or Not to Impulse The Urge to Splurge Hot Buttons Flexibility The Highly Flexible Team No More Shutdowns Yes, No, Maybe So Stress Tolerance EZ Stress Buster Personality Quiz ‘Cause You’ve Got Personality Deep Center Breathing Optimism Optimistic Self-Talk and Behavior Be Solution-Focused The Optimistic Explanation Happiness/Well-Being Beyond Personal Silos Growing My Happiness  Acknowledgments The authors wish to acknowledge and thank: Steve Stein, James Buchanan, Derek Mann, and the MHS team; Diana Durek, for her astute leadership and guidance in working with EI; Reuven Bar-On, Peter Salovey, John D. Mayer, David R. Caruso, Daniel Goleman, Richard E. Boyatzis, Cary Cherniss, and Marilyn K. Gowing, for their pioneering emotional intelligence work; Robert Carkhuff for his substantial contribution to the field of interpersonal communication. Martin Delahoussaye, editor of the first edition, for being there to welcome us in and guide us with such good cheer; and current editor Holly Allen, Susan Rachmeler, Kathleen Dolan Davies, Michael Zelenko, Rebecca Taff, Michael Kay, Denise Sullivan, and Tolu Babalola at Pfeiffer and Wiley for guiding us with gentle insistence to the quality we most desired to achieve. A big thanks to L. Bonita Patterson for all her excellent work on the first edition of this book. Michael Snell, our agent, for creating an excellent interface with our publisher, orchestrating a win-win process, and continuing down the publishing path with us. All of our parents, families, teachers, mentors, clients, and adversaries, and the grace and pluck that have gotten us each this far along the crazy paths we call our lives.  Introduction Getting the Most from This Resource PURPOSE Emotional intelligence research and experience validate its importance as a critical factor in personal and business success. The Consortium for Research on Emotional Intelligence in Organizations provides a business case for emotional intelligence that lists success stories that resulted from developing or expanding emotional intelligence skills. They note: “Optimism is an emotional competence that leads to increased productivity. New salesmen at Met Life who scored high on a test of ‘learned optimism’ sold 37 percent more life insurance in their first two years than did pessimists.” (www.eiconsortium.org) The need for emotional intelligence increases with higher levels of responsibility, such as management or parenthood, and becomes even more important with groups, such as work teams. Recognizing the importance of emotional intelligence is a great starting place, but how do we develop competencies in the actual skills that empower us to function more effectively at work, at home, and in the community? The Guidelines for Best Practices for training and development in EI created by the EI Consortium emphasize the critical need for experiential practice to learn and enhance EI competencies. This book addresses that need by providing experiential learning scenarios drawn from real life to enhance emotional intelligence skills and competencies. AUDIENCE This book is designed for coaches, trainers, facilitators, HR professionals, managers, and anyone who wants to help others improve their emotional intelligence. The in-depth description of key elements of emotional intelligence is supported by easy, practical, and impactful exercises. For individual coaching, the primary audiences are leaders, managers, supervisors, and employees whose job success requires improved interpersonal skills. The exercises will also be useful in clinical applications with clients who need to develop emotional intelligence to achieve therapeutic goals. For group development, the primary audiences are management teams, intact teams at any level, and cross-functional teams. The exercises will also be an important resource for those providing public workshops for people interested in developing competencies in social and emotional intelligence, improving relationships, and expanding their career development opportunities. ASSESSMENTS The exercises contained in Part Three of this book may be used with or without assessments. For those who use assessments, we urge you to consider using multiple assessments whenever possible. No one measure can tell everything about a person or a team. Multiple data sets provide the opportunity to corroborate results, to better understand the feedback, and to understand the interrelationships among multiple factors. Dr. Cary Cherniss, professor, author of pivotal books on EI, and co-founder of the EI Consortium, stated in his presentation at Collaborative Growth’s EQ Symposium that many organizations are increasingly requesting the use of multiple assessment tools and finding more validity in results when they do so. Assessments one might consider using in accompaniment with any of the four EQ measures discussed in this book include the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI), Emergenetics®, FIRO-B®, the Center for Creative Leadership’s Benchmarks, the DiSC®, and the Campbell Interest and Skills Inventory. One interesting explanation of the combination of assessment benefits is found in Pearman (2009), where he discusses MBTI and emotional intelligence. HOW THIS BOOK IS ORGANIZED This book is organized into three parts. Part One, Using Emotional Intelligence to Create Real Change, explains the rationale for developing emotional intelligence (EI) and highlights four key EI measures. The first section outlines the case for emotional intelligence. It explains why EI has such a powerful impact on personal effectiveness. The next section introduces the four most significant emotional intelligence measures and presents a matrix for cross-referencing the individual exercises in this book with the specific competencies for which each measure provides instruction. If you are working with one of the four EI measures—the EQ-i2.0® or EQ360®, TESI®, the MSCEIT™, or EISA—you can look up your measure of choice in the cross-reference matrix and find the exercises that apply. These exercises will help you develop the competencies important to you for whichever measure you use. Perhaps the best part is that you don’t have to be working with a measure at all! You can use these exercises independently to strengthen any competency that is needed. For example, if you wanted to work with a team or individual to help him or her develop flexibility, you would look in Part Two for the in-depth description of the competency and then go to Part Three, where, under the heading Flexibility, you would find four choices—Exercises 13.1, 13.2, 13.3, and 13.4. Just choose the one that is best suited to your situation.  Part Two, Exploring Emotional Intelligence and Well-Being Skills, provides an in- depth description of each of sixteen emotional skills to help you and your clients become thoroughly familiar with the dimensions of each skill. Part Three, Emotional Intelligence Exercises to Build Effective Skills, contains exercises, all framed as experiential learning scenarios. The first three sections of each exercise—Purpose, Thumbnail, and Outcome—explain the following: Purpose answers WHY you would have the people do this exercise; Thumbnail tells you HOW participants will engage with the instructional material to generate the learning experience; and Outcome explains WHAT your target is—the desired results that can be achieved. The exercises contain reproducible handouts (also available at www.pfeiffer.com/go/Hughes/EIAction2) that you may copy for your participants. The book closes with a list of resources for finding additional useful information. Note to coaches and facilitators: Most of the exercises can be used in individual coaching situations as well as with intact teams and groups. The thumbnail summaries and instructions usually are written for the team and group experience. If you are coaching an individual, simply reframe the instructions for the one-on-one environment and the exercises will be effective for you and your client. KEY TERMS EI is an acronym for emotional intelligence. EQ (emotional quotient) is a measure of the degree of emotional intelligence development, similar to IQ. The term was coined by Dr. Reuven Bar-On. ICONS We have developed a set of icons to highlight specific parts of each chapter to which you may want to give special attention. They are meant to be fun and informative landmarks that help you navigate the material efficiently and make the best use of it. The treasure chest icon is the first one you will encounter. It appears in the in- depth description of each specific competency, where it highlights a helpful tip or insight about that skill, how to develop it, qualities that make it important, or how applying it effectively can make a difference in the quality of your life. The star performer icon indicates a biographical note about someone in real life who is an excellent model of that specific competency. Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Maya Angelo, and Meryl Streep are among the examples you will find. There are many excellent examples of emotionally intelligent behavior in the movies, so we have done our best to utilize some of the more popular films to illustrate each of the competencies. You will find The King’s Speech, The Hurt Locker, Jack Goes Boating, Precious, Lilies of the Field, Remember the Titans, and The Wizard of Oz among our favorites. The purpose of the thumbnail is to let the coach or trainer quickly know how long he or she will need to allow for the exercise and what sort of an experience he or she will be facilitating. The website for the book has easily downloadable copies of all handouts associated with the exercises. These can be printed out, which supports you in your preparation for using each exercise in coaching or training. FACILITATOR COMPETENCIES This section is designed to show the coach or trainer how skillful he or she will have to be in order to successfully conduct each exercise. There is generally also a significant relationship with how sophisticated the learning experience will be for the participants. If participants’ skills tend to be less developed in an area, then starting with an easier exercise will provide better results. Three levels of facilitator skills are identified as: EASY MODERATE ADVANCED FACILITATOR GUIDELINES Preparation Review this section, “Introduction: Getting the Most from This Resource,” section to familiarize yourself with the icons used in this book. Review the appropriate section in “Part Two—Exploring Emotional Intelligence and Well-Being Skills” to better understand the emotional intelligence aspect on which you will be working. Read applicable material from the Resources list and the References at the back of the book if you are seeking supplemental information. Ensure the room size and table arrangements are conducive to the type of exercise you will be leading. Make sufficient copies of the reproducible participant handouts that are included in the exercises (and available on the website) and gather other needed materials. Consider playing music during the reflective phases of the exercises when participants are asked to think about their behaviors and responses. We recommend  calming instrumental music that is played at a soft volume. (If you do use music, be sure to abide by any copyright restrictions.) Materials The “Materials” section of each exercise contains a list of materials you will need. Reproducible participant handouts are included in most exercises. Full-size printable versions of the handouts are available at www.pfeiffer.com/go/Hughes/EIAction2. Debriefing and Reflection Debriefing is one of the most important phases of each exercise. It gives participants a chance to reflect on and synthesize their experiences and to share what they have learned. It provides one of the best opportunities for introverts to be heard. Ask questions that help the participants uncover what they learned and surface any “a-ha’s.” Your mission is to lead them on a journey of self-discovery. The learning is more powerful when they recognize for themselves how they benefited from the exercise, versus having you tell them what they learned. Selection Refer to the cross-reference matrix in Chapter 2 of this book to identify the exercise(s) you want to use. Look up the potential exercises you identified from the cross-reference matrix, and refer to the purpose, thumbnail, outcome, audience, estimated time, and facilitator competency information to help you identify the best exercise(s) for your situation.  PART ONE Using Emotional Intelligence to Create Real Change In Part One we explain the rationale for developing emotional intelligence (EI) and highlight four key EQ measures. In the first section we outline the case for emotional intelligence and explain why EI has such a powerful impact on effectiveness. In the next section we introduce four of the most significant emotional intelligence measures and present a matrix for cross-referencing the individual exercises in this book with the specific skills in which each measure provides instruction. If you are working with one of these four major measures—the EQ-i2.0 or EQ360, TESI®, the MSCEIT®, or EISA—you can look up your measure of choice in the cross- reference matrix and find the exercises that apply. These exercises will help you develop the competencies important to you for whichever measure you use. Perhaps the best part is that you don’t have to be working with a measure at all! You can use these exercises independently to strengthen any competency that is needed. For example, if empathy is your focus, go to Exercises, 8.1, 8.2, 8.3, and 8.4 and choose the one that is best suited to your situation.  CHAPTER 1 The Case for Emotional Intelligence Would you like to be more effective in your work and in your personal life? Would you like to be able to better understand what you are feeling and why? Would you like to be able to participate more consciously in what you feel and how you respond, rather than just reacting in the same old patterns that you always have? Would you like to have more friends or be able to be closer and more open with the friends you have now? Would you like to be able to better monitor and motivate your progress toward your short- and long-term goals? Then you’ll love exploring the world of emotional intelligence! Exploring and developing our emotional intelligence not only makes us happier, but it makes us able to motivate ourselves, manage stress in our lives, and resolve conflict with others. It gives us the skills to be able to encourage, comfort, discipline, and confront different kinds of people appropriately in different situations. It determines how effectively we express our emotions within the cultural contexts of our family, our workplace, and our community. It determines how well people listen to us and how well we are heard. EMOTIONS: WHAT ARE THEY? To effectively introduce the topic of emotional intelligence we need to start by talking a little bit about emotions and what they are. We like to say that emotions are about what we touch... not just what we touch with our fingers or our skin, but what we touch with our eyes and ears, what we touch with our taste buds and the olfactory nerves in our noses. Emotions are how we feel about what we touch with our imagination, from the dread of a loud scary noise in the dark to those fifteen minutes of fame when you know you’re at the top of your game and everyone else gets to see. Emotions are what move us and motivate us. All three of these words—emotion, move, and motivate— share the Latin root emovare, which means to move. Emotions are what sustain us through our struggles and crown us in our victories. In fact, when you really think about why we do anything that we do, there is always a feeling involved—something that we are avoiding and moving away from or something that we want and are moving toward. Fear and desire are two of our strongest emotions and have long been considered the most powerful motivators in the animal kingdom. Research at the National Institute of Mental Health by Candace Pert has shown that emotions are very closely associated with neuropeptides, long chain protein molecules that circulate throughout the organs of the body and act like “messenger molecules,” conveying information about what is happening in one part of the body throughout the entire system. In her book, Molecules of Emotion (1997), Pert considers emotions to be a transformative link between mind and body, the mysterious quantum mechanical interface where information turns into matter and our bodies synthesize the chemicals of consciousness. Recognizing that our feeling responses are grounded in our biochemistry is an important understanding. Emotional states such as anger, sorrow, depression, and joy can be influenced and even directed by us, but this does not mean they can be turned on and off like a light bulb. It takes our body time to metabolize these chemical components—such as the adrenaline that is released when we feel frightened. The chemistry of emotions can help us change our viewpoint and see the world through different attitudinal lenses depending on how we are feeling. When we create and maintain positive thoughts about ourselves and our world through our self-talk, we support positive emotional states such as resourcefulness, optimism, and motivation. A good way to imagine emotions is as an invisible link that connects people with each other and to some extent with all living creatures—they constitute a field of specific information that we sense and decode using the ancient instinctual languages of facial expression, smell, body posture, and the whole realm of nonverbal language. On top of all that, human beings are able to add another layer of sophisticated interpretation. Through our use of cognitive intelligence and semantic language, we are able to label our feelings and give them a wide variety of symbolic meanings with subtle degrees of texture and nuance. Intelligence Early in the 20th century psychologists began to devise tests for measuring cognitive ability and intellect in human beings. The eventual result was what we know today as the standardized IQ test. As research into human intelligence continued along these lines, it began to appear as if it was an inherited capacity and was not greatly influenced by any amount of educational effort. Adults did not necessarily have higher IQ scores than children, and over the course of their lifetimes they didn’t seem to develop more. The view that intelligence was what was measured by IQ tests and that it was controlled by genetics generally prevailed into the 1970s. Yet when Weschler developed the IQ measure, he stated that there are other forms of intelligence besides the IQ he addressed. Other scientists agreed with Weschler and were not satisfied with a static, one- dimensional definition of intelligence or the way in which it was measured. In the 1980s Howard Gardner published research that validated his work on “multiple intelligences,” demonstrating the importance of expanding that definition, and Reuven Bar-On coined the term “emotional quotient” in an attempt to differentiate emotional competencies from intellect. Leading research by John Mayer and Peter Salovey was instrumental in developing a theory of emotional intelligence that consists of four domains: perceiving emotions, facilitating thought, understanding emotions, and managing emotions. They were joined in their efforts by David Caruso and together developed the MSCEIT (Mayer-Salovey-Caruso Emotional Intelligence Test), a reliable, valid, ability-based assessment of emotional intelligence with a normative database of five thousand people. Their definition of emotional intelligence emphasizes “intelligence” and differs significantly enough from others that we will include it here: “‘Emotions’ refer to the feelings a person has in a relationship. For example, if a person has a good relationship with someone else, that individual is happy; if the person is threatened, he or she is afraid. Intelligence, on the other hand, refers to the ability to reason with or about something. For example, one reasons with language in the case of verbal intelligence, or reasons about how objects fit together in the case of spatial intelligence. In the case of emotional intelligence, one reasons with emotions, or emotions assist one’s thinking. That is, emotional intelligence, as measured by the MSCEIT™, refers to the capacity to reason with emotions and emotional signals, and to the capacity of emotion to enhance thought.” (Mayer, Salovey, & Caruso, 2001, p. 2) For more information on their description of intelligence within the concept of emotional intelligence, see the discussion of the “concept of an intelligence that processes and benefits from emotions” in Mayer, Salovey, and Caruso (2000, p. 105). The idea of having an ability-based emotional intelligence test with right and wrong answers may seem foreign to those who think emotions are too subjective to be quantified, but here is a simple explanation of how it works: “Emotional skills can also be measured in an objective way through the use of ability, performance, or knowledge tests. Such tests would ask a series of questions like these: What is the cause of sadness? What is an effective strategy for calming an angry customer? The MSCEIT™ (pronounced mess-keet) asks people to solve emotional problems, and the correctness of the answers is evaluated. In turn, a person’s scores are compared to a large, normative database to compute a sort of emotional intelligence quotient, or EI score” (Caruso & Salovey, 2004, p. 75). The Brain Processing emotion is a non-conscious event. It is something we do intuitively that allows us to anticipate others’ behaviors in a more direct, immediate fashion than language can. Emotional intelligence is all about immediacy. The circuitry in our brains is set up to process emotional responses without having to consider them rationally. How am I feeling right now? How are you feeling right now? How are our feelings affecting each other and the actions we are choosing to take in this moment? These are the kind of critical comparisons that the limbic system, or emotional brain, is making for us constantly, most of it below the threshold of conscious awareness.  When sensory input enters our brain, it first is processed in the thalamus, which scans information for familiar patterns that may have been especially significant to us in the past. Such patterns are then forwarded to the hippocampus, which further screens them for threatening content before the amygdala’s final decision as to whether it should trigger the fight-or-flight response. If it turns out there is no precedent for fear, the information is then passed along to the neocortex, which is able to analyze it for meaning in a rational process. The emotional circuits in the brain also regulate the balance of two critical hormones throughout the body, cortisol and DHEA. Cortisol plays many positive roles in bodily functions; however, it is often known as the “stress hormone” because stressful situations cause it to be secreted in excess, and then it can have very negative effects on many aspects of our health. DHEA, on the other hand, is sometimes known as the “anti- aging hormone” because it counteracts the negative effects of cortisol that tend to wear the body out and cause it to age. The Heart But the brain is not alone in governing our emotional intelligence. In fact, recent research at the Institute of HeartMath (Childre & Martin, 1999) has revealed the heart to be a major player in the process of understanding and responding to our world. Our heart communicates chemically to the rest of our body by producing mood-enhancing hormones. Perhaps even more remarkably, the electromagnetic signal it sends to the brain (and every other cell as well) is the most powerful signal in the entire body! It produces an electromagnetic field that can be detected several feet away from the body in all directions. The heart also communicates mechanically with the rest of the body through pressure waves that are conducted through the vascular system. What is it sending in all these different channels of communication? It is giving the entire body feedback about how the whole system is functioning. Research by Antonio Damasio (2003) has determined that human beings cannot make any cognitive decisions without also processing emotional information that incorporates how we feel about the situation. It turns out that emotional intelligence is actually the synthesis of both heart and brain functions, weaving together thought and feeling into the marvelously rich fabric of human experience. EMOTIONS AND IDENTITY Emotional intelligence also plays a critical role in conflict resolution. In their fundamental book, Getting to Yes, Fisher and Ury (1981) characterize the process of resolving conflict as one of helping people move from “No” to “Yes.” What makes this difficult is that we tend to identify with our positions, so in order for us to change them there has to be a change in our identity. In other words, if we think that we are the ones who deserve the promotion and the corner office because of our length and quality of service, we will have to change our sense of who we are and what those rewards mean to us symbolically in order to be able to accept another (equally good) solution. That change in identity may also come from the process of working through a deep disappointment and discovering that our competencies in flexibility and reality testing can truly help us transform. Emotions play a critical role in identifying ourselves—in knowing who we are in the world and distinguishing “self” from “other.” In addition to governing the fight-or-flight process, the limbic system also manages our immune system. The critical task of the immune system is to be able to distinguish what is part of us and what is foreign. Even the process of understanding who we are once again turns out to be grounded in our biochemistry. Our cells have self-receptors that are “read” by immune cells to determine whether or not they are part of the self or invaders that pose a threat to the health, wholeness, and integrity of our systems. My very sense of “I-ness” comes from recognizing familiar sensory patterns in the environment and experiencing the same emotional responses that were originally generated throughout my body/mind and recorded in my memory. After enough memories have been stored (generally around age two), this sense of familiarity undergoes a profound transformation. The billions of bits of data crystallize and initiate the advent of self, the recognition that it is “I” who is having this experience—“I” who is hungry and wants to eat; “I” who feel safe, or threatened, or curious; “I” who is powerful and can make things happen in the world! Over time, sophisticated menus of preference and aversion come to be developed through this same process of associational memory. “I” discover that I know what I like and dislike and, depending on my level of confidence, am able to express that effectively to the people whom I depend on for survival. If I have lived in a cooperative environment, family, or culture that requires me to obtain the approval of others for my decisions and actions at every level, then my need for interdependence will tend to overshadow my need for independence. If I have lived in a competitive environment in which I am only able to satisfy my desires through continuously creating and asserting new behavioral strategies which satisfy but the letter of the law, my need for independence will tend to overshadow my need for interdependence. My ability to remodel, update, and even upgrade my identity, to resolve problems and conflicts, and consequently my ability to move myself and others from “No” to “Yes,” will be dependent on how consciously or unconsciously I process my emotions. If I am unconsciously embedded in the automatic sequence of stimulus-response conditioning, I will tend to be a creature of habit and be liable to perceive myself as a victim of the world. If, through self-reflective processes, I have been able to lengthen the amount of time between stimulus and response, in other words to make myself more conscious of the processes that determine my behavior, then I will be more flexible and tolerant and have available to me a more robust repertoire of behaviors and be able to generate better decisions and more creative solutions to the problems I encounter in my daily life. This is perhaps the truest measure of our emotional intelligence.  EMOTIONAL POWER So as you begin the adventure of exploring new ways to develop your own emotional competence, as well as that of your clients, through the “exercises” in this book, we urge you to learn the distinctions and relationships among the skills defined in the EQ- i2.0. They combine to provide a tremendously powerful lens through which human behavior and motivation can be seen and understood as never before. Significant examples of this can be found in the work of Geetu Orme (2001), who exposes some of the popular myths about emotional intelligence and then develops the three strategic components that are critical for building quality in our relationships: tuning in, understanding, and taking action. It is because our culture has conditioned us to perceive the world and measure the quality of life in terms of objective acquisition that we misunderstand our interpersonal relationships and fail to value them appropriately. Consequently, we need all the help we can get in learning how to develop, enhance, and care for our connectedness in ways that counteract this fragmentation. Fortunately, the methods for developing emotional intelligence have arrived on the scene in the nick of time and begun to re-weave the fraying strands of postmodern civilization. Whether we avail ourselves of such healing or not, the world will continue to grow more and more complex, and the quality of our lives will be impacted more deeply on a daily basis by the feelings and decisions of people we have never met or even seen before. In a way, we each live at our own center of the World Wide Web, and in order to make all the connections in our network as secure and beneficial as possible, we have to be very skillful in the way we generate and broadcast our emotional power—too much and people avoid us or set up defenses that block communication; too little and they take advantage of us or we never break through the barriers to intimacy or develop enough energy to achieve the very dreams that give our lives their meaning.  CHAPTER 2 How Everyone Can Use the Exercises Cross-Reference Matrix Emotional intelligence is well established as a critical aspect of successful leadership. The greater the leadership responsibility, the more important our emotional intelligence competencies. Of the many emotional intelligence models and assessment instruments, four that have risen to prominence because of their validity, reliability, and market acceptance are reviewed here—each uses a different approach, but all seek to foster skill development along the lines addressed by the exercises in this book. The four are EQ-i2.0 and EQ360 Team Emotional and Social Intelligence Survey® (TESI®) MSCEIT™ Emotional Intelligence Skills Assessment (EISA) In this chapter we discuss each model’s unique approach to emotional intelligence and present a matrix that cross-references the exercises to all four models. The matrix enables you to quickly identify exercises relevant to the model you are using. It helps increase your awareness of the emotional intelligence field by providing a perspective on the interrelationships among the different models. The bottom-line positive intention of the authors for each of the four models was to create a useful instrument for facilitating greater awareness, thus leading to positive change. The exercises in this book were developed to provide specific learning experiences for each of the basic emotional skills and can be used to support whichever instruments you are using to assist your clients in developing their emotional intelligence. It can also be very helpful, even if no assessments are given. The following discussions are brief overviews of the models. We strongly encourage you to gain even more information about any specific model you are using by reviewing the materials distributed by the publisher of the model and its authors. EMOTIONAL QUOTIENT INVENTORY (EQ- ® I AND EQ360) 2.0 The EQ-i2.0 is a well-researched self-report measure of social and emotional intelligence capabilities developed over the course of over twenty years. The EQ-i was originally developed by Dr. Reuven Bar-On and has recently been updated and supported by development of a new comprehensive normative data base by MHS. The updated report is known as the EQ-i2.0. The EQ360® is a multi-rater format, also supported by the new normative research. The EQ-i2.0 and EQ360 utilize a 1 –5 –15 method of scoring in which there is a single overall emotional intelligence score called the “Total EQ.” This is broken down into the five composite scales: Self-Perception, Self-Expression, Interpersonal, Decision Making, Stress Management. These five scales are each made up of three specific skills, for a total of fifteen competencies. Additionally a Happiness score is reflected as a part of a Well-Being Indicator and is treated as the sixteenth skill in this book. It is these sixteen skills that give the user the real “meat.” Following are the five scales, fifteen skills, and the happiness/well-being indicator: Self-Perception Self-Regard Self-Actualization Emotional Self-Awareness Figure 1.2.1. EQ-I Model Copyright © 2011 Multi-Health Systems Inc. All rights reserved. Based on the Bar-On EQ-i model by Reuven Bar- On. Copyright 1997. Self-Expression Emotional Expression Assertiveness Independence Interpersonal Interpersonal Relations Empathy Social Responsibility Decision Making Problem Solving Reality Testing Impulse Control Stress Management  Flexibility Stress Tolerance Optimism Happiness/Well-Being Each individual who completes the measure receives a report showing how strong his or her scores are in each of the subscales and usually receives a debriefing with someone who is certified to administer the measure. A skilled interpreter of the EQ-i2.0 and EQ360 helps the client understand the relative meaning of each score, as well as providing insight into the relationships between the scores. For instance, it might turn out that a person with a very high score in reality testing and a significantly low score in optimism might want to explore how his or her perspective on life might change if he or she did not automatically devote so much attention to making critical evaluations. Might the person feel more optimistic? Similarly, can you imagine what might happen if someone is high in assertiveness and low in impulse control? The Self-Perception composite includes the following subscales: Self-Regard, Self- Actualization, and Emotional Self-Awareness. These are the capabilities that are necessary to develop, maintain, and understand one’s self effectively. The Self-Expression composite includes Emotional Expression, Assertiveness, and Independence, all of which contribute to the ability to express one’s self so that others have better understanding and will facilitate interaction. The Interpersonal scale looks at how effectively we interface and engage within the social milieu. It is composed of Interpersonal Relationships, Empathy, and Social Responsibility. The Decision Making composite includes Problem Solving, Reality Testing, and Impulse Control. These help us integrate our emotional responses and awareness with the ways we engage and make decisions. The Stress Management scale measures how well we feel we do at coping with the tension, disappointment, and pain that come from living in a less-than-perfect world. It is that discrepancy between what we desire and what we are able to obtain that constitutes the essence of stress. Stress Management includes Flexibility, Stress Tolerance, and Optimism. Optimism shows us how hopeful we are about the quality of the future we expect, and Flexibility and Stress Tolerance help us act in accord with our hopefulness. Happiness/Well-Being, which is listed as a separate piece of information, shows how satisfied we feel in the present moment and is tied to the relevant skills of Self-Regard, Optimism, Interpersonal Relationships, and Self-Actualization as these particularly influence our experience of being happy. Our descriptions of these skills are merely summaries; we suggest you refer to The EQ Edge (Stein & Book, 2011) and the reports themselves for more detailed information. The elegance of the EQ-i2.0 and EQ360 is that the simple, straightforward presentation belies the rigor of its design. Developmental strategies for improving results are included in the individual report. After six months, the assessment can be retaken to assess progress in specific areas and the overall development of emotional intelligence. TEAM EMOTIONAL AND SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE SURVEY (TESI ) ® ® The Team Emotional and Social Intelligence (TESI) assessment, developed in 2006 by Marcia Hughes and James Terrell, identifies and measures seven competencies most critical for effective team functioning: Team Identity, Motivation, Emotional Awareness, Communication, Stress Tolerance, Conflict Resolution, and Positive Mood. It also specifies the four results that teams will enjoy as they build these competencies —Empathy, Trust, Loyalty, and Better Decisions—which lead to the two benefits of long-term success, Sustainable Productivity and Emotional and Social Well-Being for the team (Hughes & Terrell, 2007, 2009). Each of the seven skills for team success influences the others; skills in one area flow into and build an influence in each of the others. In addition, synergistic results are achieved when a team strengthens competencies in most or all of these core areas. Their success becomes greater than the simple combination of each independent skill, building what Hughes and Terrell term Collaborative Intelligence™ (Hughes & Terrell, 2009). Figure 1.2.2. The TESI Model Copyright © 2007, Collaborative Growth® LLC. All Rights Reserved.  There are two assessment formats available. The TESI Short is an abbreviated, twenty-one-item version of this assessment and is published by Pfeiffer. The short version works well when teams want to take a quick look at their functioning. It’s available in a self-scoring format that creates the flexibility of not having to administer it in advance of a team engagement or workshop. A longer version of the TESI with demographic and other breakouts is available from Collaborative Growth®. Each team member is asked to rate the team’s skills—from his or her individual perspective—in the seven team behaviors of success. An individual report is created, as well as a full team report and many optional demographic reports can be assessed. This serves to create a team 360-degree assessment of all team members’ views on team functioning. From this report, participants better understand the team’s functioning and take steps to build upon their strengths and develop areas needing enhancement. More information about each of the skills is provided in Part Two of this book. In addition, the TESI Facilitator’s Guide (Hughes & Terrell, 2009) is a valuable resource for more information on this assessment. THE MSCEIT™ The Mayer-Salovey-Caruso Emotional Intelligence Test, known as the MSCEIT (mes- keet), is unique in that it undertakes to measure actual intelligence rather than the behavioral competencies and social skills that are associated with individual workplace success. The authors define emotional intelligence as the “ability to perceive emotions, to access and generate emotions so as to assist thought, to understand emotions and emotional knowledge, and to regulate emotions so as to promote emotional and intellectual growth” (Mayer, Salovey, & Caruso, 2002, p. 17). Their test is designed as an ability measure with objective “right and wrong” answers, in contrast with the more subjective competency measures that rely on self-report. Some examples of the abilities that the MSCEIT undertakes to measure include the ability to label emotions and understand the relationships between words and feelings, the ability to distinguish between authentic emotional expressions and those that are inauthentic or feigned, and the ability to manage emotions by strengthening positive ones and reducing negative ones. Although not all the abilities they seek to measure correspond with specific emotional skills, one can easily see that those listed above have significant correlations with such competencies as emotional self-awareness, empathy, optimism, and impulse control. As shown in Figure 1.2.1, the authors group these abilities in a 1 – 2 – 4 – 8 hierarchy so the individual taking the test receives fifteen different scores in the report. The first score is a total emotional intelligence score and is composed of two area scores for Experiential and Strategic emotional intelligence. Experiential refers to the basic human ability to respond emotionally—feeling, processing, recognizing, and classifying emotions. Strategic refers to the higher-level, more conscious processing of emotions, reasoning about them, understanding how they originate and develop over time, and how human beings can manage them to enhance social relationships. Figure 1.2.3. Abilities Hierarchy Source: MSCEIT™ User’s Manual, page 8. Copyright © 2002 Multi-Health Systems Inc. All rights reserved. 3770 Victoria Park Ave., Toronto, ON M2H 3M6. Reproduced with permission. Each of the area scores is composed of two branch scores. Experiential includes the scores of Perceiving Emotion and Facilitating Thought. Perceiving Emotion measures the ability to recognize what you and others are feeling. This entails accurately detecting, decoding, and responding to the emotional signals of our own internal states, as well as our nonverbal communication, most of which is unconscious. Facilitating Thought is the ability to engage the feeling content of our experience on behalf of improved reasoning, decision making, and problem solving. This is the ability to emotionally activate cognitive processes and creatively utilize the variety of viewpoints that we experience as our moods change. The Strategic score is also composed of two branch scores, Understanding Emotion and Managing Emotions. Understanding Emotion measures the ability to label emotions appropriately and reason with them in an understandable and effective manner. This includes our ability to recognize how our emotions combine and change over time and how well we are able to symbolically represent this complex process. Managing Emotions is the ability to remain open to emotional information when it will enhance our experience and the ability to limit and control that information when it might cause us to react impulsively. Managing emotions is the ability to appropriately balance their significance in our intellectual outlook and behavior, our general ability to cope with life in an emotionally effective manner. Each of these four branch scores is composed of two task scores that measure eight specific emotional intelligence abilities, such as reading emotion accurately in faces and pictures, understanding how basic emotions combine to produce more complex feelings, and understanding the sequence that emotions go through as they change from one to another. These scores are to be used more hypothetically than predicatively (that is, for developmental suggestions), inasmuch as the reliability for some of the eight task scores is lower than that of the composite scores to which they give rise (Mayer, Salovey, & Caruso, 2002). EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE SKILLS ASSESSMENT The Emotional Intelligence Skills Assessment (EISA), developed by Steven Stein, Derek Mann, and Peter Papadogiannis (2009), identifies and measures five core factors of emotional intelligence in adults: Perceiving, Managing, Decision Making, Achieving, and Influencing. While all five factors are important, the first two— Perceiving and Managing—are considered foundational to emotional intelligence, as without the ability to accurately perceive and manage one’s own emotions, it is more difficult to respond appropriately to situations requiring effective Decision Making, Achieving, and Influencing. Figure 1.2.4. EISA Model  The EISA asks each individual to respond to fifty emotional and behavioral statements; both self and 360 versions of the assessment are available. Individuals receive detailed information about each of the five factors and an indication of their areas of emotional strength and opportunities for growth. Respondents are also encouraged to create a plan that will help them further develop those emotional and social skills needed for improved success. More information about each of the five factors, Perceiving, Managing, Decision Making, Achieving, and Influencing, is provided in Part Two of this book. In addition, the EISA Facilitator’s Guide (Stein, Mann, & Papadogiannis, 2010) is a valuable resource for more information on this assessment. CROSS-REFERENCE MATRIX The following matrix has been designed for easily cross-referencing the exercises found in Part Three of this book to the relevant content areas for each of the four assessments. Table 1.2.1. Cross-Reference Matrix  PART TWO Exploring Emotional Intelligence and Well- Being Skills Part Two provides a description of each of the sixteen emotional skills that combine to make up social and emotional intelligence according to the EQ-i2.0 model (the other models have similarities in their depiction of emotional intelligence, and their list of skills can be found in the Cross-Reference Matrix in Chapter 2). The descriptions of each skill begin with a section entitled What Is It?, in which we define the skill. Following that is a section called Why Should We Care About It? Here we point out both the advantages that strength in this skill gives and the disadvantages we may experience if it is a weaker area. Next we provide a section called How Can We Build It? This starts with a tip to help develop the skill or appreciate what makes it valuable and provides the specific instruction necessary for increasing skillfulness in this area. In the section called Transformational Benefits, we discuss how building this particular competency into a strength can transform one’s experience of life, increasing the level of satisfaction and effectiveness. STARS AND MOVIES One of the best ways to learn is by looking for role models who practice a skill, so for each skill, we have a section naming a Star Performer and a section labeled Reel Performer, in which we list a movie that demonstrates the concept. All are listed in Table 2.1. Have fun and think of your own stars and movies! Table 2.1. Stars and Movies EI SKILL STAR MOVIE Self-Regard Doris Lessing The Good Girl Self-Actualization Viktor Frankl It’s a Wonderful Life Emotional Self-Awareness Maya Angelou Frost/Nixon Emotional Expression T.S. Eliot Jack Goes Boating Assertiveness Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 12 Angry Men Independence Mahatma Ghandi The Matrix; Norma Rae Interpersonal Relations Dalai Lama Something’s Got to Give Empathy Mother Teresa Terms of Endearment Social Responsibility Jimmy Carter Remember the Titans Problem Solving William Ury The King’s Speech Reality Testing Hillary Rodham Clinton The Hurt Locker Impulse Control Georgia O’Keefe To Kill a Mockingbird Flexibility Meryl Streep Lilies of the Field Stress Tolerance Tom Hanks Precious Optimism Nelson Mandela The Wizard of Oz EI SKILL STAR MOVIE Happiness/Well-Being Dame Julia Elizabeth Andrews Happythankyoumoreplease  SKILL 1 Self-Regard WHAT IS IT? Simply defined, self-regard indicates how good we feel about ourselves. It also reflects our ability to accept ourselves warts and all. Webster’s (1993) dictionary defines self- regard as “consideration of oneself or one’s own interests.” In contrast, it defines self- esteem as “a confidence and satisfaction in one’s self: self-respect.” Self-regard is demonstrated when we like ourselves, can accept our good parts and more challenging parts, and present ourselves with dignity. “Feeling sure of oneself is dependent on self-respect and self-esteem, which are based on a fairly well developed sense of identity. A person with good self-regard feels fulfilled and satisfied with himself/herself. At the opposite end of the continuum are feelings of personal inadequacy and inferiority” (Bar-On, 2002, p. 15). WHY SHOULD WE CARE ABOUT SELF- REGARD? This is obviously a bit like asking, “Why should I care about myself?” Self-regard is a critical competency because, without a well-integrated identity that allows you to know and respect yourself, there is no way you can ever participate authentically in life, be truly reliable in work or love, or fully express all the gifts you have to give. A lack of self-regard often indicates feelings of uncertainty and insecurity, an unwillingness to venture out into one’s own world and explore it with appropriate reality testing. In his research, Bar-On (2000, p. 374) found that self-regard emerged “as one of the most powerful predictors of competent behavior.” HOW CAN WE BUILD SELF-REGARD? Stand in front of the mirror. Look deep in your eyes. Call your name out loud with authority three times, then be silent and feel yourself show up! Now clap wildly and bow. How worthy or unworthy you feel about receiving good in your life results from a blend of ingredients that includes your experiences, values, attitudes, behaviors, and expectations. You will perceive these conditions more or less accurately, depending on how honest and self-aware you are. Where emotional self-awareness reflects how well you know your feelings, think of self-regard as how well you know, and like, the whole constellation of features that combine to make up who you are. This is determined to a large degree by how congruently you express your values and desires through your external behavior. Because much of your motivation to move toward some things and away from others is unconscious, building healthy self-regard must include a process of ongoing self- exploration so that you can continue to discover more of your full self and give more complete expression to the whole you. The overlap with emotional self-awareness demonstrates the deep integration of all sixteen factors of the EQ-i2.0®. Other examples that illustrate this deep interconnectedness between skills include the way in which self-regard relates to problem solving and assertiveness. It is not possible to hold oneself in the highest regard if one is unsuccessful in solving problems in one’s life or unable to assert one’s desires with sufficient strength to satisfy them. Reciprocally, as one strengthens his or her self-regard, his or her problem-solving and assertiveness skills may also strengthen. TRANSFORMATIONAL BENEFITS As self-regard is one of the most powerful predictors of competent behavior, then the benefits of its development will include an expanding knowledge of identity that is richer, more flexible, more confident, and more secure. As we continue to build increasingly positive self-regard, we expand our capacity to enjoy our lives and be of service to others. STAR PERFORMER Doris Lessing is a self-educated writer who was born to British parents in what is now Iran. She was raised in colonial Rhodesia, now Zimbabwe, and lives in London. She is a writer extraordinaire and winner of the Nobel Prize for literature in 2007 as well as numerous other prizes. She’s considered an African writer, a women’s writer, and has been described by Irving Howe as “the archaeologist of human relations.” In announcing the award in Stockholm in October 2007, the Swedish Academy called her an “epicist of the female experience, who with skepticism, fire, and visionary power has subjected a divided civilization to scrutiny.” She is highly regarded as one of the most important English-language post-World War II writers. Her novels, short stories, and essays have focused on a wide range of issues, from the politics of race that she confronted in her early novels set in Africa, to the politics of gender, which has led to her adoption by the feminist movement, especially for her novel The Golden Notebook, to the role of the family and the individual in society, explored in her space fiction of the late 1970s and early 1980s. Lessing helps us take a look at ourselves both as individuals and in relationship with one another. Her unflinching willingness to observe and report often cost her in many ways, including as a woman writer when that frankness was often disapproved. Yet, her powerful courage and commitment to tell the truth as she saw it has made us better people. Her healthy self-regard is at the core of her ability to share her skills and we are grateful. REEL PERFORMER Jennifer Aniston in The Good Girl presents a remarkable example of the development of self-regard. As a young high school graduate, she’s married and working in a chain discount store. Her life is predictable and boring. She undertakes self-exploration in part by developing a relationship with a young man who is very “out there” for this conservative small town. Through challenges, including her pregnancy and the young man’s suicide, she begins to come into herself, becoming much more alive and whole. She becomes more aware and accepting of herself.  SKILL 2 Self-Actualization WHAT IS IT? Bar-On presents the following definition: “Self-actualization is the process of striving to actualize one’s potential capacity, abilities, and talents. It requires the ability and drive to set and achieve goals. It is characterized by being involved in and feeling committed to various interests and pursuits. Self-actualization is a life-long effort leading to the enrichment of life” (2001, p. 89). Psychologist Abraham Maslow was probably the first to identify the skill of self- actualization. Remember his hierarchy of needs? Writing in the middle of the 20th century, Maslow (1970) identified a hierarchy of core needs, each of which must be adequately addressed before the next step can be fully taken. The hierarchy proceeds from physiological (food, shelter, water) to safety (security, order, law) to belongingness and love needs (giving and receiving affection) to esteem needs (self- respect and the esteem of others) and finally to self-actualization. Maslow emphasized that we must live up to our potential or we will feel dissatisfied. Self-actualization is the process of being true to our own nature and fully committed to developing our capabilities. It includes the concepts of growth, motivation, and meeting our “being” needs. Maslow later redefined self-actualization as a function of peak experiences, and it is from this aspect of the definition that some people associate self- actualization with mystical experiences. While those fortunate ones who do have mystical experiences surely are on the track of self-actualization, there are many other more common expressions of this skill to be found in daily life. In accord with Maslow, Bar-On (2001) writes that self-actualization “is most likely the next and ultimate step after EI in the complex process of personal development. While emotional intelligence relates to being effective, self-actualization relates to doing the best you can possibly do. Or, put another way, when we are self-actualized, we have gone beyond EI to achieve a higher level of human effectiveness” (p. 85). In this 2001 article, Bar-On reports that “the best predictors of self-actualization are the following eight EI factors, listed in order of importance: Happiness Optimism Self-regard Independence Problem solving Social responsibility  Assertiveness Emotional self-awareness” (p. 92) What a profound example of the importance of building all parts of our emotional intelligence! Self-actualization reflects how successful we feel at achieving the goals that make life meaningful for us individually. This ability to construct meaning from the challenging and even violent aspects of human experience demonstrate the amazing resilience of the human spirit. Inspiring stories of people who were able to demonstrate this skill under the very worst of conditions can be found in Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. In this work, we are focusing on the aspects of self-motivation, which, when combined with strengths in happiness and optimism as well as the other six skills, helps us live an energized and fully engaged life. Self-actualization is a journey, not a destination. It is the place where our “doing” and our “being” modes can be joined. Thus the key questions are How am I doing on this journey? How am I being on this journey? Am I happy about where am I now? Am I pacing myself on this journey? Am I motivated to be the best I can be? WHY SHOULD WE CARE ABOUT SELF- ACTUALIZATION? We all have a deep inner calling to be all that we can be. For some of us this is a loud and insistent holler, while for others it may be a quiet whisper. Our current state of happiness, optimism, and the other six factors that are the underpinnings of self- actualization will influence our desire to grow this skill and our sense that it is possible. If we are inclined to be pessimistic, we limit our sense of possibility and miss many opportunities. Perhaps even the pessimist can say to him- or herself, “Well, IF it were possible, I would like to be.... ” This is the path to actualizing our dreams, what makes our lives meaningful—one day at a time. Self-actualization is critical for today’s successful businesses. Millions of dollars are spent annually in working with teams and in developing employees to help grow their motivation to be the best they can be. In this very practical sense, self-actualization is at the heart of organizational success. In fact, when Stein and Book (2011) wrote The EQ Edge, they conducted research using the EQ-i on nearly five thousand working people in many different occupations. They found that the first of the top five factors of overall success is self-actualization. Thus, it is one of the most important factors for organizations to highlight for employee development.  HOW CAN WE BUILD SELF- ACTUALIZATION? Remember that self-actualization is an evolutionary journey. Be motivated to be the best you can be today. Don’t get depressed that you haven’t accomplished everything by today, and watch success unfold! Pay attention to your longings and the deep messages you give yourself. Are you longing to be an artist, but you’re a banker—or vice versa? This EI skill builds on eight other skills, so it’s not an area of solo perfection. It’s an integrated part of who one is. Use the exercises in Part Three of this book to identify your own or your client’s capacities in the eight identified skill areas. It is important to notice which skills support us the most and which can be improved to help increase our self-actualization. Pace yourself and teach your client(s) to do the same! This isn’t a race; it’s evolutionary. If you will intentionally move forward on a regular basis, one step at a time, keeping the vision as a possibility, you’ll be able to listen to the wisdom within and enjoy much more growth than if you are always feeling bad because you “should do more.” After all, the “should’s” are out—they went with the last century. This is the time of possibility. TRANSFORMATIONAL BENEFITS Are you kidding? This is it, baby! Self-actualization can rocket a person right off the planet! The potential as one grows this skill is unlimited. Welcome the surprises. Individually, we are much more comfortable, resilient, and fun to be with when we know we are on the right path. For most organizations, motivating employees is a key goal. Developing self-actualization is central to inspiring employees and helps everyone clarify which motivational strategies are most effective for him or her. STAR PERFORMER Viktor Frankl, M.D., Ph.D., the author of Man’s Search for Meaning (2000) was a highly inspirational psychiatrist and a professor of neurology and psychiatry at the University of Vienna Medical School. He was interned for three years at Auschwitz, Dachau, and other concentration camps. During that time he began his study of what guides us as humans. He noticed that the same horrendous conditions affected all the prisoners in the camps, yet a few were able to survive. His answer to why that occurred focused on people’s individual attitudes. His teachings that no one else can ever control one’s attitude, and that this is a great personal resource, have been recited across the world to inspire people in all walks of life.  REEL PERFORMER In It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart) struggles with wondering whether his hardworking life in Bedford Falls has been worth anything. He gave up travel and other personal desires to save the small town from being taken over by a rich skinflint, Mr. Potter. But his work looks like a failure when his uncle loses $8,000 on Christmas Eve, resulting in Bailey thinking he’ll lose the business and go to jail. When wondering whether suicide is a good option, prayers and an angel help him realize how valuable he is to so many. George is able to appreciate the value of his life and his many contributions.  SKILL 3 Emotional Self-Awareness WHAT IS IT? Understanding what you’re feeling and why you are feeling that way is perhaps one of the most critical components of emotionally effective living. It is intimately associated with how well we use our empathy by understanding what other people are feeling and why they feel the way they do. Together these two skills of emotional awareness and empthy are what enable us to motivate and influence the thoughts and actions of ourselves and others—in short, the skills most necessary to succeed in life. Consider for a moment the fact that emotions are deeply connected with sensation; in fact, our emotional life begins when we explore our physical world as newborns and infants. Until we are strong enough to at least turn over in bed, we are pretty much subject to the conditions in our environment. If something is poking or constraining us, we can’t really locate it and change it. Nonetheless, our bodies reflexively express aversion by contracting their muscles—initially at the point of discomfort, then throughout the limb or trunk, and eventually throughout the whole body if the discomfort is great enough. If all this still provides no relief and we are uncomfortable enough, we cry for help! If, on the other hand, something pleases us, like a warm bottle or someone rocking us in his or her arms, our muscles tend to generally relax so we can enjoy the experience. Obviously, feeding involves some muscular engagement (also largely reflexive), but more interesting perhaps is the fact that enjoyment itself actually requires a kind of “effort” called awareness. Consciously noticing the sensations we are feeling is rather like pushing the “record” button on our life recorders and making the memories of that sensory experience conscious. In contrast, the sensations of feeding may be recorded unconsciously because of their reflexive nature or consciously if the baby is alert and attending to the sensory experience. WHY SHOULD WE CARE ABOUT EMOTIONAL SELF-AWARENESS? Here’s the point. Emotions begin as the values we learn to place on our sensory experience, our likes and our dislikes. The conditions surrounding our pleasant and unpleasant sensations give rise to our ability to recognize and express our emotional preferences. All of our sensory life is recorded in us (perhaps even as us if Candace Pert (2000) is correct in the thesis of her work The Body Is Your Subconscious Mind) and the way in which we recall those emotions—either more consciously and intentionally or more unconsciously and reactively—has everything to do with the level of our emotional self-awareness. The next stage of development after sensory awareness and emotional awareness is symbolic awareness—we begin to translate our experience into the words and ideas of our native language. This is a hugely rewarding and exciting time in our lives! By now we are also developing the muscular strength and coordination that free us to explore our world (more or less) at the whim of our own interest... and we can tell people what we want and need much more specifically. Unfortunately, the ability to objectify our world through language and operate on it as “other than ourselves” is often overly emphasized and reinforced as we start thinking ahead about our children’s future in terms of the goals they will need to accomplish to be successful in our technologically driven postmodern society. As parents, we are busy, our own attention is split in a dozen directions, we are trying to achieve our own measures of success, we are tired. If we do not know how to take the time to consciously model how the emotional world integrates with the symbolic world, our children may end up reacting out of their conditioned emotional preferences rather than responding with emotional intentionality, that is, emotional intelligence. HOW CAN WE BUILD EMOTIONAL SELF- AWARENESS? To develop the ability to consciously express emotional self-awareness in our children and in ourselves, we need to connect to parts of our experience—what we’re feeling and why we are feeling that way. In a very simple language pattern that Robert Carkhuff introduced in his human relations training in the 1970s, we can discover and share our internal experience by filling in the blanks to: “I feel _____________, because _____________.” “I feel worried because I can’t reach my daughter.” “I feel mad because you misled me.” “I feel really excited because I’ve never seen a roller coaster that big before.” We have to regularly check in and take our own emotional pulse and then, when appropriate, we may want or need to share what we have discovered with the other people around us. TRANSFORMATIONAL BENEFITS Without emotional self-awareness, we will live a life of reaction rather than initiation. It will seem to us as if we are at the effect of life rather than able to influence it effectively on our own behalf and on behalf of those we care for. Reconnecting with our sensory and emotional awareness and using that awareness consciously not only helps us achieve what we want in life, but also enables us to enjoy it much more fully when we do.  STAR PERFORMER With pride in sharing our humanity with her, we nominate Maya Angelou as the star performer for emotional self-awareness. She’s an American author and poet who was active in the Civil Rights movement and supported the work of Martin Luther King. She read one of her powerful poems at the inauguration of President William Jefferson Clinton. Ms. Angelou is well known for her series of autobiographical volumes that focus on her childhood and early adult experiences. The first and most highly recognized is I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (1969). She has been awarded numerous honorary degrees and was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize for her 1971 volume of poetry, Just Give Me a Cool Drink of Water ‘Fore I Diiie. We quote one powerful stanza from her poem “Still I Rise” from her volume of poetry And Still I Rise (1978): “You may write me down in history With your bitter, twisted lies, You may trod me in the very dirt But still, like dust, I’ll rise.” President Barack Obama presented Angelou with the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2011. REEL PERFORMER For this example, we select Michael Sheen playing David Frost in the movie Frost/Nixon. This is the story of an amazing game of wits in which the historical stakes are as high as they have ever been. David Frost must get keenly in touch and stay in touch with his emotional self-awareness or be publicly manipulated and stonewalled by former President Richard Nixon; this manipulation would allow Nixon to rewrite history and rehabilitate his reputation while effectively destroying that of the former talk show host. While his research team is working diligently and trying to school him on the facts, Frost is often preoccupied, traveling to try to raise the $600,000 he needs to pay Nixon. The first three interviews do not go well. Nixon is able to parry the planned questions and successfully indulges in long self-justifying monologues. Four days before the last interview, in a weird twist of fate, a drunken Nixon calls Frost at his hotel and points out that it will be matter of winner take all. This conversation galvanizes Frost’s awareness of what he needs to do. He sends one of his researchers to follow up a lead he had previously discounted, and his colleague comes back with gold. Rejuvenated by this positive turn of events, Frost works tirelessly for the next three days and meets Nixon with a new confidence and determination. He can no longer be misled and distracted, but the former president is still a wily adversary until confronted by new evidence from a recording of the conversation with Chuck Colson. Frost is now the master, here pushing hard, then backing up quickly and letting Nixon implicate himself with his self-serving explanations. Without his skillful use of emotional self-awareness, the truth behind the Watergate scandal and Nixon’s involvement in it might have remained mired forever in denial and dispute. It was David Frost’s ability to adjust to the moment-by-moment shifts in emotional nuance that enabled him to outmaneuver Nixon, who was relying instead on a powerful, presidential rehearsal of the past as he perceived it.  SKILL 4 Emotional Expression WHAT IS IT? In the earlier version of the EQ-i, the questions that guide exploration of the level of effectiveness in emotional expression were included in the skill of emotional-self awareness. However, they are in fact significantly different skills, and are much better represented in the 2.0 version. Whereas emotional awareness is about how sensitive we are to our emotional energy and how well we can recognize our emotions, emotional expression is a measure of how accurately and effectively we can communicate our feelings to others. In addition to being about as different as listening is from talking, there is also the need for a well-diversified emotional vocabulary that allows us to translate our experience from sensory data into verbal expression. For instance, when team members rate their team’s emotional awareness with the TESI, part of what they are capturing is how well the individuals notice team communication behavior relative to expressing feelings. In order to do this effectively, people need to have enough feeling words at their disposal to be able to accurately differentiate the wide variety of emotional states that constitute team climate. This includes not only major differences such as enthusiasm versus discouragement, but degrees of intensity within a specific feeling as well. Are the people happy to be there or passionately committed to succeed? Are they worried that the beta test might need to be finished a little later, or concerned that the product will never perform as promised? WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT EMOTIONAL EXPRESSIVENESS? Emotions express values. Our bodies don’t go to the trouble of producing an emotional response unless there’s something valuable in the environment we need to be aware of. It could be a negative value to be avoided at all costs or a positive value that we really want to take advantage of. It could be something that is blocking us from a goal we are deeply committed to achieve, indicating that we need to supercharge our efforts to overcome the obstruction. It could be an opportunity to give, to help another person or group meet significant challenges they face but are unable to achieve alone.  HOW CAN WE BUILD EMOTIONAL EXPRESSIVENESS? Increasing our emotional vocabulary is certainly one of the most important steps to increasing our emotional expressiveness. If we lack the words that are able to communicate the nuances of what we are feeling, it will be hard for others to consciously understand specifically what we are feeling. It is critical to recognize, however, that our nonverbal communication is telling them at every level whether we are happy or unhappy, whether we feel threatened or are threatening. Increasing our emotional expressiveness requires the confidence that comes from self-regard and the courage that is fundamental to assertiveness, so improving those two skills may also be necessary if we are going to express our feelings more openly and authentically. Expressing emotions effectively also depends on using our nonverbal expressions more intentionally. Our posture, tonality, facial expression, gestures, the volume and rhythm of our voice, and other nonverbals communicate over 90 percent of the messages we send. Words account for only about 7 percent. Because our nonverbal communication is predominantly unconscious, we may unintentionally communicate our own fear, anger, or judgment in ways that make us less influential instead of more effectively engaging the attention and cooperation of those around us. CARE TO EXPRESS When something matters to your clients, suggest they express it with respect rather than stuffing the emotions. Suggest that they: Notice how they are feeling and why and silently tell themselves. Take a deep breath and become calm. Tell others “I feel ___________ because ___________.” For a stretch goal, they can then reciprocate and explore how the others involved are feeling and why. TRANSFORMATIONAL BENEFITS Desire, fear, anger, and altruism are the four main types of motivations available to us as humans. They are what move us to action. We move toward what we desire in order to get it; we move away from what we fear or dislike; we move against the objects, policies, and people who obstruct us from obtaining what we desire. When we are motivated by our altruistic emotions, we move toward the people and situations that we care about in order to give the emotional and physical resources we have and wish to share with others. Understanding the relationship between emotions and motivation can help us read others more accurately and send more intentional messages that are more easily understood. STAR PERFORMER Although any number of poets could easily have been chosen as star performers in expressing emotion, we chose T.S. Eliot for his eloquent use of emotional expression to communicate vast insight about life’s most subtle mysteries through mere words. His artistry in stringing their cognitive, practical, rational meanings together in ways that reveal far more than words were ever commissioned to do is breathtaking. But as he himself ranted in East Coker from the Four Quartets (1943/1971) it is never easy. But in addition to that patience and determined perseverance, he also knew how to apply the most rigorous self-discipline, also called impulse control in the language of emotional intelligence. Later, from East Coker he writes of the need to wait without hope or love as they would be for the wrong thing, but rather to have faith “so the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.” REEL PERFORMER Movies show lives of other people that we get to try on if we are brave enough to do so. They give us a front row seat on how others weave fate, relationships, choices, and consequences into the most successful and meaningful lives they can create. We get to peer into them in a voyeuristic manner that is impossible in “real life.” Often, it is just sensational, but in Jack Goes Boating, it is as healing as it is encouraging and instructive. This is a brilliant fear-defying smorgasbord of lessons in emotional expressiveness. In it, two sensitive adults who deeply long to connect, to know and be known, to love and be loved by another give it their very best shot—even though they have almost none of the skills necessary to do so. Jack (Philip Seymour Hoffman) and Connie (Amy Ryan) are both the kind of introverts who make us wonder how such socially unskillful people could ever manage to live, let alone stake claim to space on life’s canvas and slowly begin filling it with beauty until the boundaries are pushed back to reveal robust and heroic lives. Although awkward and clumsy and plagued with bad timing, they are refreshingly faithful to that fragile spark of love that might, on a very long shot, flame up for them. And in being faithful, they provi