Helping Mothers and Children PDF

11 Helping Mothers and Children For thus says the LORD: "Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream; and you s...

11 Helping Mothers and Children For thus says the LORD: "Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream; and you shall nurse, you shall be carried upon her hip, and bounced upon her knees. As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem. (Isa. 66:12-13) Katie and Susie were bubbly little girls; they seemed to skip and giggle through their days. Their mother, Jane, did her best to fill their afternoons with after-school activities that kept them out of the house. But at night, when she thought the girls were asleep, her husband would frequently erupt into abusive tirades. Jane did not believe that her children knew about them; they appeared happy and adjusted. Then Susie's kindergarten teacher called to say that Susie was struggling in school, failing to grasp key concepts, and not interacting with her peers. The teacher mentioned that Susie had said something like "I'm just so tired because I'm afraid to fall asleep." Jane started making connections. She already knew that her other daughter, Katie, had been struggling to fall asleep, crying every morning when she was dropped off for school, and wetting her bed. When Jane talked to her children, she learned that they were terrified. They would sneak into each other's rooms at night, once the screaming began, in order to comfort each other and keep watch. We need to be alert to where a victim's children are and what they are doing when abuse is taking place in their home. More than that, we need to recognize that abuse always has an impact on children. Melissa was a mother of three grade-school children. Her husband, Mike, was physically intimidating and quick to rage at her with ugly words about almost anything. I had been counseling Melissa for quite some time, and she was still struggling to see that Mike was oppressive. Helping her to notice how his abuse was affecting her children provided her with greater clarity. Melissa described a day when she was packing school lunches and Mike's criticisms of her were brutal. "Where were your kids when this went down?" I asked her. She said that her daughter stayed with her and refused to leave the room while her sons scattered and hid. What was most telling to me was when she mentioned that her dog had been cowering. A big chocolate lab cowering-that spoke volumes to me. But Melissa really saw the extent of the abuse she was enduring only when her oldest son started treating her in the exact same way that her husband did. When he was frustrated at school, he would come home and destroy his room -just as he had seen his dad do. When he did not like the limits his mom placed on him, he would either ignore her for days or scream at her-just as he had seen his dad do. When he did not like what she had made for dinner, he would yell about what an inept cook she was while slamming the cabinets -just as he had seen his dad do. Seeing her son imitate his father made Melissa feel sick. One day she made a painful connection between the damage Mike had done to her and the damage he had done to their children. Initially, this new clarity paralyzed her. How could she talk to her son about not being like his father? Fortunately, we were able to slowly unpack her realization and help her to shepherd her children. Abuse is a learned behavior 1-but it is important to note that not all children will replicate the abuse that they see in their homes. Since some of them do, however, the very possibility that this might happen should grab our attention. Another woman's story has a tragic ending. I knew Joyce as a coworker before I even began studying domestic violence; she was a kind and gentle woman. One day I was sitting next to her at our computer stations-the next day I was reading the unbelievable. Joyce had wanted to go to the beach with friends but discovered that her car had four flat tires. An argument ensued, and her husband chased her with a shotgun. The 911 call that she placed documented the horror of her son having to shoot his father to keep himself and his siblings alive after his dad gunned down his mother. To this day, our local police say it is the worst call they have ever answered. Far too many stories of oppression end in death, 2 and children can be witnesses to this horror-or even victims of it themselves. Children may also choose to become involved in a dangerous or potentially lethal situation, as many times they will intervene during a violent episode to protect their mothers. Almost half of children who witness domestic violence try to intervene in some way. 3 Just as no two cases of abuse are the same, there is also no one way that abuse plays out in the lives of the children whom it touches. I have sat with mothers who were in anguish over the many ways in which their children were fearful, trapped, hurting, doubting God, becoming aggressive, riddled with anxiety, used in custody wars, abused, and mocked. Having walked with some victims for over a decade, I have been able to trace with them the legacy of abuse that their children have carried with them into adulthood- into their dating experiences, into their marriages, and into their struggles to trust God and others. I have also counseled many adults who are still struggling with the effects of growing up in homes that were filled with fear and even terror. This has had a traumatic impact on some of these adults. Others are fighting an ongoing, but successful, battle with the effects of the abuse they witnessed as children. What Is Childhood Domestic Abuse? Many adults whom I counsel are survivors of childhood domestic abuse. They benefit from putting a name to their experience and understanding that growing up in a home in which oppression was present has had a unique influence on their development. We see many warnings in Scripture that a father's behavior will greatly influence and impact his children. For instance, "These nations feared the LORD and also served their carved images. Their children did likewise, and their children's children-as their fathers did, so they do to this day" (2 Kings 17:41). Oppressors worship themselves, and their idolatry goes on to impact what and how their children worship. Consider this warning as well: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4). If we unpack that word provoke, we see it can mean to abuse authority, to be too severe, to be unjust, to be unreasonable, or to exasperate or embitter another. These are things we have learned that oppressors do. This word of caution reminds fathers that their sin can detrimentally impact their children's behavior. Later in this chapter, we will look at the wide range of effects that oppression has on children. As we consider childhood domestic abuse, we should keep in mind three distinct categories that it falls under. First, there are children who are exposed to abuse-they hear yelling through the wall or see their mothers' injuries the day after an incident. Second, there are children who directly witness abuse- they are in the room while it is happening and see violence or emotional abuse take place. Third, there are children who are themselves victims of abuse-an oppressor is beating them, verbally abusing them, or not providing them with medical care or enough food. It is possible for a child to fit into one, two, or all three of these categories. Know that when oppression occurs within children's homes, it makes them much more vulnerable to abuses themselves-both inside and outside their homes. From 45 to 60 percent of children who are exposed to domestic abuse in their homes are also victims themselves of physical abuse by the abusive parent 4-a rate fifteen times higher than the national average. 5 Children who experience domestic violence in their homes are also at a significantly greater risk of being victims of sexual assault 6-sexual assault that includes the threat of falling victim to sexual perpetrators outside their homes. Research is just emerging in this field, and more work needs to be done to help us hone in on the ways in which domestic abuse harms children. But I believe it is in part the "skills" and values that children see playing out in oppressive homes that place them at a higher risk of becoming victims of abuse, and in the next section I will explore the values that children learn from growing up around domestic abuse. If you are working with a victim who has children at home, you should do your best to determine which of the three categories above her children fall under. You can do this by asking her where her children are when abuse takes place, what she thinks they know, and whether her oppressor is also hurting them. And it is not just the oppressive parent who might be abusing them- children who live with domestic abuse are also more likely to be victims of abuse from people outside their immediate families. So be aware of the potential abuse that children face from people both within and outside their homes. If need be, take time to research the signs and symptoms of a child who is being abused. Each state has different laws about when child abuse must be reported. In some states, a report must be made even if a child only witnesses domestic abuse; in other states, a report of child abuse is required only if children themselves are victims of abuse. Become acquainted with your state's laws. Do not hesitate to reach out to local authorities or social workers or to call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline. 7 You might hear a disclosure of abuse that leads you to make a report, but it is more likely that you will become increasingly concerned for a child as you gradually learn about abuse in his or her home. If that is the case, work with counselors and professionals who are trained to screen for child abuse. Be aware that reporting child abuse can pose challenges both to the confidentiality that you maintain with a victim and to her safety. You will probably need help with navigating all the implications of making a report. Tell the victim that you will have to report child abuse, and enlist the help of experts so that she and her child can be kept safe as you (and ideally she) make the child abuse report. 8 There are so many important nuances regarding how to screen for and report child abuse that I cannot address them all here. I just want to make you aware of some of what you might encounter by doing so and encourage you to seek help. Keep in mind that mothers are not always aware that their children have witnessed their abuse or are also being abused by their oppressors. The Childhood Domestic Violence Association reports that the majority of parents who are currently living with an abusive partner believe that their children are not aware of what is occurring. But when asked, roughly 90 percent of these children said that they were very aware. 9 Children see, hear, and sense the abuses. They are frightened but often pretend not to be. You will most likely have to help a mother to become aware of what her children know and to guide her about how to speak to them regarding her abuse. REFLECT 1. 1. Who in your community could you ask to guide you through a situation in which you would need to report child abuse? Who could help you to plan for the safety of the mother and children? 2. 2. "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged" (Col. 3:21). Considering what you have learned about their attitudes, how might oppressors provoke their children? Think about how they might parent and relate to their children or misuse their authority. 3. 3. It is important to find out what children in an abusive home know and are exposed to. How might you bring up this delicate topic with an oppressed wife? How the Dynamics of Domestic Abuse Shape Children It is in our homes that we learn how the world works. When my children spilled milk, their response was to get a rag and clean it up, because that is what my parents taught me to do and what I have taught my children to do in turn. One day we were visiting another family, and their son spilled milk. His parents spent the next five minutes lecturing and shaming him over his clumsy accident. He was learning that when mistakes are made-such as, for instance, when milk is spilled-it is a time for tirades and tears. I left their house wondering how much harder it would be for him to ask for help when he found himself in trouble or made other, more significant mistakes. We teach our children all sorts of things-not just through our words but in the way we live out our lives in front of them. This is why, when Paul wrote to the Philippians about what they had learned, received, heard, and seen from him, he went on to exhort them to practice these same things (see Phil. 4:9). When we consider how the dynamics of abuse affect children, the first question we should ask is what children learn from witnessing abuse and from being in an environment that is characterized by coercive control. Before we consider these things, though, I want to offer you hope. Know that there are ways we can help children to grasp vital, life-giving truths. We as the body of Christ can address wrong messages and help children to unlearn them. Spouses of oppressors, as well as others who are involved in the children's care, can shepherd children so that the lies they hear do not crowd out the truth (see Eph. 4:25). Children who witness abuse may learn certain "skills" from the abuser- such as how to manipulate, disrespect, and dehumanize others, how to make excuses and shift blame, and how to intimidate and threaten people who get in the way of what they want. Their methods of coping with abuse may include learning to lie in order to stay safe, keeping silent rather than exposing darkness and evil, and finding ways to numb themselves to the tremendous stress and conflict that surround them. In addition to learning these behaviors, children who witness abuse may inherit a system of destructive values. The behaviors and attitudes that they witness in their homes are not morally neutral-just as in the example of the spilled milk, the actions and words of oppressors communicate values. Here are some of the messages that oppressors might passively communicate to children: Violence solves problems and accomplishes goals. Men and women do not have the same value. Violence is normal and is a valid way to express frustration and anger. Leadership looks like domination and pride (not like leading and serving).  Shaming another person is an effective means of getting your way. People are not to be trusted. Nonconsensual sexual contact is acceptable. Sex is a tool for negotiating safety and solving problems. Destroying the property of another is an acceptable way of expressing yourself and controlling that person. Appeasement helps you to survive and stay safe. In earlier chapters, we looked at how an oppressor's heart and actions lead to the oppression of others. As we consider how the dynamics of oppression shape children, take this time to think about how it impacts their hearts and actions in turn. REFLECT 1. 1. Proverbs 22:6 gives us encouragement regarding our parenting: "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." How does this verse also serve as a warning when parenting involves oppression? 2. 2. Consider how children could carry the "lessons" on the list above forward with them into adulthood. Which of the "lessons" increase their risk of being abused by others outside their homes, by the people they date, and by their future spouses? Which "lessons" and "values" might foster children's sense of entitlement and create an oppressive mentality in them? Which messages do you see as being particularly challenging for children's spiritual development? The Impacts of Childhood Domestic Abuse The impacts that childhood domestic abuse causes vary significantly from child to child-even within the same household. For instance, firstborn children often act to protect their younger siblings from it and, as a result, tend to be more affected by it. Abuse leaves a more lasting impact on a child the more intense it is, the longer the child is exposed to it, and the younger the child is. If a child is a direct victim of abuse, this is also a predictor that the abuse will have a severe impact on him or her. It should be noted that children recover most successfully when abuse is eliminated from their lives. 10 It should naturally be our goal, as Christians, to stop the sin that these children are witnessing, to protect the vulnerable, and to seek genuine repentance from offenders. Little bodies have limited capacity to handle the trauma that they witness and endure. This should be of great concern to us who are in the body of Christ. As a body, we are tasked with the care of God's children. Have you ever been at a baptism, a dedication, or a reception of new church members at which the question "Do you as a congregation undertake the responsibility of assisting the parents in the Christian nurture of this child" was asked? Have you ever made this kind of pledge? I have-and I take it seriously. The children of the victims whom I work with are always on my heart and in my prayers. I want to look for ways to provide them with or connect them to care and protection. Jesus himself provides us with a stern warning. Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea. (Matt. 18:5-6) As you become aware of the many impacts that oppression can potentially have on children, consider these forceful words about what awaits those who cause harm to vulnerable children. I share this passage with you in order to emphasize the gravity of childhood domestic abuse. Yet I also want you to hear this: outcomes vary greatly. Some children experience lifelong trauma. Others grow up to be well adjusted and to live fulfilled lives (whether they accomplish this with or without counseling). It is possible to heal from childhood domestic abuse. In fact, nearly 37 percent of people who are exposed to domestic violence do not report experiencing a long-term negative impact from it. 11 So I do not want you to read the following list as a definitive predictor of certain doom but as a list of things we should be alert to. The pressures of living in abusive homes, however, do impact children's development, increase their risk of participating in detrimental behaviors, and make their bodies more vulnerable. This list should give us guidance as we shepherd children and should motivate us to protect them from abuse. 12 Here are the potential impacts of domestic abuse on children. 13  delayed cognitive development depression behavior problems fear; anxiety concentration issues suicidality lack of verbal and motor development guilt; asking "is it my fault" problems at school numbness; detachment aggression difficulty forming relationships regressive bed-wetting headaches; stomachaches destructive rage nightmares antisocial behavior drug and alcohol use promiscuity; teen pregnancy eating disorders Long-term Impacts And the list of impacts does not stop there. Someone who has experienced domestic violence in his or her childhood home will most likely experience one or more other major adversities in that home as well. When domestic violence is present in a home, one or more of the following things are likely to occur in addition to it: physical, sexual, or emotional abuse; neglect; divorced parents; parental substance abuse; a mentally ill parent; or the incarceration of a parent. 14 Tragically, a girl who grows up in a home in which her father abuses her mother is more than six times as likely to be sexually abused as a girl who grows up in a non-abusive home. 15 Children who live with domestic violence are also at higher risk for problems during adulthood. These can include mental health conditions, such as depression and anxiety, and physical health conditions, such as diabetes, obesity, and heart disease-to name a few. 16 What should also grab our attention is that children who live with domestic violence are at a higher risk of repeating the cycle of violence as adults by entering into abusive relationships or becoming abusers themselves. 17 If you have made it this far in the book, you are already feeling the weight of the many evils that victims face and are beginning to appreciate the importance of helping victims. But it is also important to state that 70 percent of boys from oppressive homes will not grow up to be violent. 18 I have shared the more startling statistics with you in order to draw your attention to the immense damage that abuse does to children. Even as we focus on helping oppressed wives, we must remember the importance of giving their children resources and help as well. The care of children is a good motivator on its own for why we should enlist the help of other trained helpers. Further, as we work to prevent abuse within the families who are in our churches, being aware of trends can help us to break the cycle that abuse causes. Impacts That Occur during Separation Since childhood domestic abuse has been shown to do so much harm to children, we need wisdom as we seek to minister to those who are impacted by its ongoing effects. How are we to think about the prospect of a victim's separation from her oppressor when children are involved? The solution is not always as simple as when a wife is fleeing abuse on her own. Children remain at risk even during a separation or after a divorce. Many abusive fathers have custody of their children and continue to parent them with an oppressive disposition. As their marriages are threatened by separation, their desire for control often increases. Hence, during a separation an oppressor's abusive behavior typically increases. Harming his children can become a means for him to hurt their mother. Even after an abuser concedes that his marriage has ended, he is likely to respond to this in increasingly punitive ways that can include harming his children to get at their mother. An oppressor might also make threats that involve the children. For example, he might threaten to report their mother for child abuse if she does not rescind her request for economic support. Or he might scare her by threatening to kidnap the children if she does not return home. Some oppressors view their children as possessions-and custody battles become a way for them to exert their rights or to punish the children's mother rather than to do what is in the best interests of the children. Since an oppressor often conceptualizes himself as being the victim in his situation, he may continue to damage his children's relationship with their mother by speaking poorly of or undermining her. Sadly, children can become a means for him to control and punish their mother long after the marriage has ended. 19 One reason that many women choose to stay in abusive marriages is because they hope to limit the harm that the abuse directly does to their children. If a victim you are working with separates from her husband, continue to check in with her children and plan for their safety. Spiritual Impacts To my mind, the most profound damage that childhood domestic abuse causes is spiritual damage. When children have a father who pretends to be pious but abuses them or their mother spiritually or with Scripture, the damage that is done to these children's faith can be formidable. It is grievous when children's hearts are immersed in an environment that provides a distorted representation of God, Scripture, and spiritual leadership. I have seen this happen with wives who have chosen to remain married for the sake of their children. Many of those children have turned away from their faith as adults, and it is heartbreaking. Here are women who felt that, as Christians, they would help things to be better for their children if they stayed in their marriages. But now the effect that abuse has had on their children's faith has left them deeply grieved, and they wonder if it might have been better if they had left after all. Leaving, however, does not always produce good outcomes-nor does staying in an oppressive home mean that children are guaranteed to fall away from the faith. I have seen churches and elders tend lovingly to children who live with domestic abuse, and their words can go a long way toward representing the true gospel for these children who have seen God and his Word being distorted. They usually say something like "We are discipling or disciplining your dad, because what we are observing concerns us and is not representative of a Christian whose walk is in step with the Lord. We want you to know that we love him and are pursuing him-and we love you. The things he is doing stand counter to God-a God who loves you." When someone other than the children's parents-and preferably another male authority-does this, he or she can help to restore an understanding of the genuine gospel for children who have seen it being misrepresented. These conversations and deliberate shepherding moments make a huge impact. REFLECT  1. 1. God refers to himself as our Father to impress upon us the way he protects us and the affection and care he has for us. In this regard, our earthly Christian fathers are meant to represent-albeit dimly-what God the Father is truly like. What happens when you are terrified of your earthly father? How might this fear translate into your relationship with God? How can you go to God without fear when you are scared to go to your own dad? How much harder is it to understand God's love and faithfulness when your father is cruel and punishing? Abusive fathers present a distorted picture of God to their children. What are some ways that oppressive men who identify as Christians distort God's character? 2. 2. Abuse is a private reality; oppressors tend to behave very differently in public than they do behind closed doors-and can even seem to be honorable and godly. Their children, however, witness the oppressors' true character. What impact will it have on children's affinity for the church when they witness their own churches adoring their oppressive fathers? 3. 3. Consider cases when churches become aware of abuse that is happening within a family but choose to protect the marriage's reputation rather than to help the wife and children. How do you think this might affect these children's faith and their desire to be part of a Christian community? In other words, what do children take away when a church knows of abuse but fails to help or gets abuse care wrong? Helping Oppressed Mothers and Children Even after considering all the potential damage that can result from oppression, we have great reason for hope. Our God redeems. And we know that the most powerful shaping influence a life can experience is Jesus. So be encouraged-there are many ways in which God can be at work and ways in which we can be a means of his care for the vulnerable. I have written the rest of this chapter directly to the mother in an oppressive household, because her role in her children's care is vital. She is the one who can implement many of the support strategies for her children that I will mention next, and I do not want her to believe that she is helpless. It is very easy for someone to feel powerless and hopeless when she is oppressed. But there are many things that a mother can do to help her children and hopefully to minimize the many negative impacts that childhood domestic abuse can have on them. Invite the mother you are working with into this conversation and to read these pages with you, since she will be her children's chief helper. Jesus invites children to come to him in Luke 18:15-17: Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it." With these words, he shows how much he values and cares for the most vulnerable. He demonstrates that we need to tend to children, be a blessing for them, and be willing to be interrupted by them and their needs. And he also warns those who hinder children from coming to him. Thankfully, growing up in an abusive home does not prevent a child from coming to Jesus! But the painful reality is that abusers, by definition, do indeed hinder their children from coming to him. When domestic violence takes place in a Christian home, it is a grave danger to the emotional, physical, and spiritual development of a child in that home. However, there are ways that we can help. It is important to note that in any case of domestic abuse, any action that a mother takes to improve her circumstances will involve risks for her children and herself. Some mothers choose to leave their oppressors in order to protect themselves from abuse (we will talk more about this in the next chapter). Know that if they leave an abuser, this can sometimes make conditions worse, rather than better, for their children. Although a separation may be the safest choice in some situations, this is not always the case-and therefore many women choose to stay. Often parents share custody of their children after a separation. Many mothers and children remain in relationship with their oppressors. Therefore, in the rest of this chapter we will look at how to support children who are still living in abusive homes. Research reveals that children want to be educated about domestic abuse and that they like being involved with finding solutions for it. Abuse takes away agency, and children, like adults, do better when their agency is restored. This makes sense when we look at Scripture. God calls each of us to take action by making the choice to be obedient. Children's hearts are active interpreters of what goes on around them, and the choices they make about following the Lord's rules are a significant part of the formation of those hearts. While a child's choices and understanding might be limited-and particularly so in an abusive home-they still need to be fostered. Just as we would do for children in non-abusive homes, we want to encourage them to think biblically about sin and suffering and about their response to it. We often think that we shouldn't tell kids about the abuse or say negative things about their parents; but we need to help them to be truthful interpreters of what they see. Seek to be honest and accurate with them; don't overstate things, but be clear and factual as you identify both sinful behaviors and godly behaviors. We want to provide children with a biblical understanding of what they are witnessing-to teach them that they are not responsible for abuse and that God sees their trouble, that it grieves him, and that he offers help. Emerging research points to three factors that are key in reducing the impacts that growing up with domestic abuse will have on children going forward: protection, support, and overcoming feelings of powerlessness. 20 I have considered each of these as well as the ways that a mother can be actively involved in the shepherding of her children. The following suggestions for mothers seek to address some of the impacts that childhood domestic abuse causes. Remember that eliminating the abuse is the best option for children. Tend to the Mother-Child Relationship Often the relationship between an abused mother and her children is weak. Typically this is because of an oppressor who attacks this relationship or speaks poorly of the mother. Try to determine if your husband is creating a rift between you and your children in order to use them to accomplish his ends-and, no matter the situation, work to foster your relationship with them. Initiate small moments of bonding with them by reading, cooking, or going for a walk together. Ask and Answer Questions Ask your children questions. Ask about how they're feeling and what they know about the abuse in your home, and try to listen to and understand them. Allow them to share both the positive and the negative feelings that they have about the abusive parent. It is important not to focus entirely on the bad. Take in what they are saying, and seek to support them. Listening well to your children can help you to connect with their hearts. Let them share hard things with you. And be ready to listen even when they share hard things about you. Then invite them to ask you questions. This will be harder. Seek to be honest- in an age-appropriate way-while keeping in mind that the simpler the answer, the better. Your children's imagination is likely filling in gaps about the things they see or hear that are important for you to address and, likely, correct. For instance, they might overhear an argument and believe that you had an affair or hear loud thumps and assume that you were being thrown into a wall. Inviting them to share their concerns helps them to have an accurate understanding of the abuse. Your child might ask you questions such as "Will Daddy ever stop?," "Are you ever going to leave him?," or "Will we have enough money if he leaves?" It is perfectly acceptable to say, "I do not know how to answer that" or, depending on the question, "I do not know, but I will go and ask someone to help me figure that out." Remember not to make promises that you cannot keep. You can't promise safety; but you can say, "I will do everything in my power to keep you safe." Accept that your children may not be willing or able to talk about these things right away, but keep attempting to draw them out. Here are some things you might say during a conversation with your children: I care about you, and I will listen to you. What have you seen and heard? What do you think about what is happening in our home? It's okay to feel hurt and still love your dad. He is more than the bad things he does. When Daddy [punched the wall], it was not okay-violence is not okay. It's not your fault. It's not my fault. People are responsible for their sins, even if they say that we make them mad. It is never okay to use anger to punish or to be violent when you are mad. I love you and want to keep you safe. It's okay to love your dad and to want to spend time with him. It's okay to be scared. What is something you can do or say when you are afraid? It is not your job to fix what is wrong in the family. What things do you like about your dad? Do you get upset with me when something terrible happens?  What do you think I should be doing differently? How are you praying? How can I pray for you? Do you have any questions for me? Lead Shepherding your children through this situation is your parental calling. It is the God-given role you have as their parent-and it is not an easy one. You will need help and lots of wisdom. Ask the Lord to lead you. You will need his help most of all. You need to be very intentional as you seek to be a guide for your children. When a rock climber scales a rock, he plans ahead. Where will the next hold be? Where should he place his feet when he moves his hands? You are scaling steep terrain when you parent amid oppression. You need to plan- and will probably need others to help you to do so. When you face trouble, remember what the psalmist said: "You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip" (Ps. 18:36). Pray confidently, asking the Lord to reveal and guide your steps. Think about how to foster your children's spiritual development and how to support their relationship with Christ. Emphasize That the Abuse Is Not Your Children's Fault Your children are not to blame for the abuse that is happening around them. This is a truth that is larger and more important than the abuse itself. No one can cause another person to sin. Start with your own heart-explain that times when you have lost your temper with them were not their fault. You have choices, and you did not have to handle your frustration or disappointment in a sinful way. Reinforce this as you talk to them about their own behavior and sibling relationships. Jesus provides a concrete object lesson about where our behaviors come from. For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. (Luke 6:43-45) This simple but clear truth will help you to teach your children that the sinful behaviors they see are not their fault or your fault. As you talk to your children about this, make sure that you remain focused on the bad actions they are aware of, and refrain from commenting on the abusive parent's character. I want to encourage you as you seek to do this by reminding you that Scripture does not hold back from labeling sin as sin. Children need to know what is right and wrong and that they are not to blame for others' choices. Acknowledge that what they are seeing might be hard or scary for them and that it's okay for them to feel angry, sad, or scared. Sometimes we try to fix things that are not our responsibility. Your children need to know what you are learning yourself: that the only person who can solve oppression is an oppressor, when he chooses to stop controlling and punishing others. If your children think the oppression is their fault, ask them why they think this. Maybe they heard someone blaming them, or perhaps they just feel responsible because the fights that they hear are about money and they know that they ask for things. Find out why they feel guilt, and address their specific concerns. Cultivate Calm Cultivate calm in two directions: for yourself and for your children. Parent them with presence of mind. You must always be nonthreatening and nonviolent toward your children. This may mean that you need to work on extinguishing your own expressions of anger. Think about how you discipline them-what do your actions and words communicate? I would make the case that in oppressive homes, it is wiser not to use physical discipline. There are just too many blurry lines and potential mixed messages that can result. Ask someone whom you trust for help with implementing other effective and consistent nonphysical means of discipline. And if you are unsure about my caution in this area, talk over your situation with another wise Christian. Work to eliminate any sense of shame you might cause in your children. Be mindful of what you say to them. You want your words to be a stark contrast to your oppressor's-to be words that display God's grace and love, even when you have to have hard conversations with your children. Foster your own peace. Learn how to cultivate your own calm. Look for ways you can manage your own stress by instituting healthy habits. And then be open with your children about this-show them how you deal with the stress in your own life. I am not saying that you should share with them what your burdens are, but I am encouraging you to set an example for them of what healthy perseverance looks like while you are suffering. Talk to them about how you pray, exercise, read your Bible, and engage in counseling, fellowship, or journaling. Talk about your actual strategies-not about the reason you have to use them. (Your children do not need a commentary on the oppressor.) Showcase the ways that you rest in and seek peace from the Lord, even if you are only just developing them. Invite your children to see how you steward your God-given gifts and limitations. Help your children to be calm. One of the responsibilities all parents have is to help their children to manage and correctly express their emotions. Do this, again, by modeling appropriate expressions of your own. But also give your children a language that allows them to express their feelings appropriately. Look for ways that you can help them to learn healthy methods of dealing with anger, fear, and other emotions. Another way to help your children to foster calm is to maintain consistent rules for them. Children need to know what to expect. Make things predictable whenever you can. Children who are exposed to abuse may continuously scan their surroundings for potential threats. Seek to create a quieter and calmer environment for them. Think about the spaces in your home-dim the lights, add blankets, and reduce clutter. Routines and structures can help children to know what to expect. Many victims I have walked with have enrolled their kids in outside activities, kept to a weekly schedule, and set a routine for chores. Predictability will help a child's heart to settle. Unburden Your Children Unburden your children by linking them with things that they love. Make efforts to make their world bigger. Ask your child, "What has helped you to feel better?" You might ask if certain activities help, such as playing sports, creating art, writing in a journal, exercising, or spending time with a pet. Make sure you are developing their whole person and that the time you spend with them does not simply focus on the abuse. Jesus, while speaking about those who seek to do harm, reminds his people that "the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly" (John 10:10). It is good to live out of the abundance of God's grace. The Lord desires us to see that he is good and that he has good things for us-even in the midst of the suffering we experience (see Ps. 34:8). Protect Your Children Children who are protected from witnessing abuse do better than those who are not. So if you remain with your abuser, think about ways that you can limit your children's exposure to arguments, and create a plan for protecting them when an abusive event takes place. How might they get away from an argument that arises? A safety plan should involve this consideration. 21 Note that sharing a safety plan with children can be tricky, because a child might share this information with the abusive parent (for example, "Mommy told me to do such and such when you are mad"). Instead, tell your children that you want to protect them and want everyone to be safe, and so you have come up with a plan to use in case of emergencies. When you talk about these plans with a child, say things such as "We're practicing what to do in an emergency"-not "Here is what you can do when Daddy gets violent." It is wise to work with an expert in order to accomplish this, since experts can anticipate any complexities that may be particular to you because of your situation. You can also teach your children how to call 911. Again, do not say, "If Daddy beats me, you should call 911." You can say, "If I got hurt, like if I broke my leg, or if I needed help, this is how you could call 911." Empower them to make the call so that they know it's an option. Because of the elevated risks of being abused that children who live with domestic violence face, train your children to recognize sexual and physical abuse. By educating them proactively, you can teach your children personal safety-without any need to tell them that they are uniquely at risk. Give them tools to speak about abuse, as well. Build Support Many people can offer support to children: grandparents, church friends, and counselors. Be prayerful as you seek a wise Christian who can come alongside your child. This may be someone whom they can confide in and process their experience with. And think about bringing in people who can offer different types of support. Support does not always have to be about their abuse; it can also be something that gives them a reprieve: a sleepover at Grandma's or a trip to the movies. Different children and situations require different levels of support. Continually assess and adjust the level of support your children receive as their needs change over time. Consider getting them personal counseling. Reflecting on all these ways you can support your children at the same time can make them feel impossible-especially if you live under constant stress and anxiety. Many of the women I work with are overwhelmed and exhausted. Pick one thing at a time that you can improve. Which strategy will initially be the least work and have the most significant impact? Start small and add layers. If you are still uncomfortable with talking to your children about domestic violence, remember that it is okay for you to ask for help. This is not something you have to do alone. REFLECT 1. 1. What is one simple step you can start implementing now? What steps can you take toward making it happen? 2. 2. As you look at the list of suggestions for shepherding your children, which do you believe you should prioritize? Write down one or two goals for each child and begin praying about how you can work toward them. Who might help you to make progress in these areas? 3. 3. Who are people whom you can enlist to support your children?  Self-Assessment for Mothers Little in your life is more precious to you than your children are. That's not to say that parenting is easy. It is as demanding as it is rewarding. Everyday stress, such as demanding schedules and the never-ending nature of housework, affects all parents' ability to engage well with the many challenges that they face. And when you're in an oppressive marriage, the attacks on your personhood are pervasive and unrelenting. On any given day, you hear controlling or cutting criticisms from your spouse-crushing words that may cause self-doubt or create unbearable tension. The stresses that you deal with in your marriage are intense. It is likely that you don't have help from your spouse; even worse, he may be working against you and your parenting goals. All these factors can compound and can affect your parenting in ways that you might not even be aware of. It will be helpful for you to identify the ways that your relationship with your children has been impacted by oppression. As you read these questions, I am hoping they will help you to reflect on your experience and see it clearly. It would be good to go through them slowly. If you answer "yes" to any questions, go back to them and think about how you might address what they have uncovered. Sometimes the answer will be "I do not know what to do," and that is understandable. Pray and seek guidance from someone who might be able to help you. Here is a basic assessment to give you insight into how living under oppression is affecting you and your parenting abilities. Which of the Following Feels True of You? I am stressed out and worried all the time. I struggle with depression and feel that I do not have energy for my children. I feel isolated and like I am lacking support. I am physically exhausted and drained of energy. I have no confidence in my abilities as a parent. I am afraid for my and my children's safety. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away from life and my responsibilities. I use alcohol or drugs to cope. I do not know how to talk to my children about the abuse that they see. I have trouble concentrating or solving problems. I do not know how to address the problems that my children bring me about their dad. How Does the Abuse Affect Your Parenting? My husband's treatment of me influences the way that my children think of me. I find that my children do not listen to me as a parent or obey my rules. My husband tells me that I am a bad mother. He spoils the children, so I must be the one to set limits and say no. He threatens to take the children from me or call Child Protective Services. He does not give me enough money to take care of the family. He is jealous of the attention I give to my children. I am worn out, so I am quick to get frustrated with my children. My husband says that if I don't do what he wants, he will hit or harm the children. I put pressure on my children to behave better so that they do not make their father upset. I find that my children speak to me in the same degrading way that my husband does. I share adult issues with my children, using them as emotional support. I feel the need to protect my children. I will punish them so that their dad does not unjustly discipline them. I schedule activities / play dates for my children to get them out of the house. My children believe that they need to protect me. Do You Observe the Following Behaviors in Your Oppressor's Parenting? He applies rules unfairly or inconsistently. He uses harsh discipline-sometimes even harsh physical punishment. He expects the children to act or understand things as if they were  adults. He takes his frustrations out on them. He does not seem to know or care for his children. He engages with his children only when he is "in the mood." He is either too lax or too strict. He refuses to listen to my advice about how to be a better father. He prevents me from tending to our children's needs. He intimidates the children. He pumps the children for information about me. He treats the children as servants. He calls them names or belittles them. He undermines my parenting or shames me in front of my children. He uses Scripture in an oppressive and punitive way. He tries to alienate me from my children. REFLECT 1. 1. Being aware of how oppression has impacted your ability to parent is an essential step toward gaining wisdom. What have you learned from these questions? Ask the Lord to help guide your next steps. 2. 2. In what ways is your heart heavy for your children? Who can you ask for help? 3. 3. Reflect on Psalm 145:18-20: The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them. The LORD preserves all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy. The Lord's love for your children is even greater than yours is-let that be an encouragement to you.