Uncovering Emotional Abuse - A Guide PDF

8 Uncovering Emotional Abuse A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love...

8 Uncovering Emotional Abuse A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. (John 13:34-35) I first met Emma because she was struggling with intense anxiety. She was a young mother who had four small children under the age of seven and had been having low-grade panic attacks for about a year. She felt tense most of the time and was worried about her children, since she was snapping at them. Every week during counseling, she would confess her anger and the many ways she had failed as a mother and a wife. Nothing in our initial conversations would have suggested that she was being oppressed-except the abnormal amount of guilt that she carried. She did not report that Phil, her husband, would verbally attack her, that he would often ignore her for days, or that he would scream at their babies and toddlers when they needed to have their diapers changed. She failed to mention that if she asked him for help with household maintenance, Phil would lecture her about her ineptitude and nagging ways for hours. Instead she talked about her anger and her belief that she was dishonoring the Lord because she felt so anxious. I have seen this again and again in my work. Often oppressed women do not share with me the information that I believe to be most relevant. While shame may contribute to the fact that they don't speak about the horrible ways they are treated, I think there is something else keeping them from talking about what they endure. They often believe that the way they are being treated is reasonable. Emma did not tell me about the cruel and manipulative ways in which Phil punished and controlled her because she felt that he was right to be frustrated with her. Sure, sometimes she thought he got carried away in his anger-but who wouldn't, if they had to put up with her all the time? Emma's understanding of herself was formed by the words that Phil sneered at her: worthless, stupid, inept, weak, worrywart, lousy mother, ungodly, judgmental, self-righteous, crybaby. After ten years of marriage, Emma's perceptions of herself had been shaped by these words. And those perceptions were difficult to challenge. She no longer saw herself as being worthy of Phil's love and care-she was a disappointment and a failure on every level. And that is what she was communicating to me: her belief that she was faithless and incompetent. How do we help wives like Emma, who cannot see that oppression is the underlying cause of most of their distress? It takes tender patience to uproot the false narratives that these women believe. There are many women like Emma who need us to help them to slowly identify the lies that are shaping their reality. Is It Emotional Abuse? Emotional abuse, which can also be categorized as mental, verbal, or psychological abuse, 1 is a pattern of behavior that promotes a destructive sense of fear, obligation, shame, or guilt in a victim. Emotionally oppressive people seek to dominate their spouses, and they do so by employing a variety of tactics. They may neglect, frighten, isolate, belittle, exploit, play mind games with, lie to, blame, shame, or threaten their spouses. Their behavior is driven by the same root of self-worship and entitlement that drives other forms of abuse. Oppressors seek to control others for their own gain and comfort; emotionally abusive behavior says, "You do not matter to me-you are something for me to use." It demands. It mocks. It does not love. As is true of all abuse, emotional abuse is not a relational problem-not a symptom of an unhealthy marriage (although it causes an unhealthy marriage). It is a heart problem-one that stems from an abusive person's un- Christlike drive to attain and maintain dominance. Emotional abuse is a broad category that encapsulates many forms of non- physical control. But we do not want to wrongly expand this label or overapply it. There are many good marriages in which cruel words are sometimes exchanged, and many bad but non-abusive marriages in which couples fight in detrimental ways. When we are seeking to determine whether emotional abuse is happening, we cannot solely rely on the presence of behaviors like name-calling, blame- shifting, and cruelty. We should all be relieved that the occurrence of things like this does not automatically mean that abuse is happening, because we have all done them. We have all sinned against our spouses-but most of us are broken by our sin. We are moved by the pain we have caused another, and eventually we are convicted. We repent, seek to change our behavior, and desire to love our spouses better. Not everyone's sin patterns are characterized by unrepentant coercive control. Remember that control is key to the presence of abuse-we are looking for ways in which the mistreatment of a wife is about dominance. We must link sinful patterns of punishing behaviors to what they accomplish for the oppressor. REFLECT 1. 1. Have you encountered victims like Emma, who fail to see their abuse? What has struck you about the way they struggle to properly understand their marital dynamics? 2. 2. Why is it essential that we use the label emotional abuse correctly? Why do victims need us to get it right? 3. 3. We are going to explore some ways that we can assess a marriage for the presence of coercive control-but after reading the definition of emotional abuse above, what would you instinctively look for? The Dynamics of Emotional Abuse Emotional abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognize. Many of the forms of control it involves are subtle. We will look at typical tactics that emotional abusers use in a minute-but the key to identifying behaviors as abusive is to see the purposefulness behind the actions. As is the case with physical abusers, emotional abusers are not out of control but instead are using their words to gain power. Their entitlement and desire for preferential treatment fuel their behaviors. They believe that they have a special status- that their rights matter most. This goes beyond selfishness. They have such an enlarged view of themselves that they are capable of seeing only their own needs and wants. They are blind or indifferent to how their demands affect others and don't treat other people's needs and desires as if they are important. Phil believed that on his day off from work, he was entitled to play video games all day-and became full of rage when Emma or the children intruded on his downtime. He did not have the vision to see Emma struggling seven days a week with their little ones-her exhaustion and need for a break. He did not enjoy spending time with Emma's family; so after her parents came to visit, he would give Emma the silent treatment to remind her how miserable they had made him. Eventually Emma learned not to ask Phil for help or have her family over, because the cost to her of doing so was too high. Tactics of Emotional Abusers Some types of emotional abuse are more evident than others-such as those that involve verbal attacks. This type of abuser rages with words, even if he says them quietly. You are ugly. You are stupid. You are a cheater. You are a burden. Other types of emotional abuse involve accusations that lie beneath the surface-that are not spoken but implied. Emotional abuse can also be quiet-characterized by profound indifference and neglect. Other manifestations of it are even more sinister. Oppressors distort reality. Some are irrationally jealous of their spouses or monitor their every move. Some lie about what they themselves have done and said. Their distortions of reality make a victim feel crazy and doubt her own perceptions. Whichever way the abuse manifests itself, victims come to distrust their own experiences and interpretations. This fundamentally alters their confidence, leaving them feeling off-balance and unsure. They say things like the following: "I am pretty sure he said he wasn't coming home for my birthday, but then he did-so maybe I heard him wrong." "He is certain that he told me not to use our credit card, but I can't remember him saying anything. I must be forgetting things." "He said that I was mean and mocking. I thought I was speaking carefully." Oppressors use their words to ensnare their own wives for their personal gain. The Lord takes our words very seriously, because they point to the condition of our hearts (see Eph. 4:29; James 3:1-12). We should be alarmed by what oppressors are seeking to accomplish when they use words that reject-such as by refusing to acknowledge a victim's presence, value, or worth. An oppressor can also do this to a victim by communicating that she is useless or inferior or by devaluing her thoughts and feelings. degrade-by diminishing her dignity. This happens when an oppressor attacks her as an image bearer by insulting her, ridiculing her, calling her names, or mocking her person. terrorize-by inducing extreme fear as a result of threatening her or coercing her using verbal intimidation. isolate-by restricting her contact with others or limiting her social activities.  exploit-by enslaving, forcing, or manipulating her to meet his interests. accuse-by alleging that she has been disloyal or had affairs, unjustly accusing her of sin and failure, or wrongly assigning sinister motives to her. oppose-by arguing against anything that she says, challenging her perceptions of reality, and treating her as an adversary. deflect-by switching topics, interrupting, refusing to talk about issues, or accusing her of doing the same things that he does. belittle-by minimizing her feelings or thoughts so that she is conditioned to believe that she does not matter or is wrong. There is no limit to the sin we can do with our tongues. The harm that abusers can cause through just the use of words-or the failure to utter them -is always astounding to me. An oppressor may only employ the tactics described in this section during a conflict, or they may be a constant in the relationship. Be mindful of how and when these tactics are used-and also of how they shift over time. It has been my experience that once a victim learns how to resist one type of abuse, her oppressor changes his strategy. A final chief tactic of emotional abusers that we will discuss is blame- shifting. Oppressors want to obscure what they are doing, so they work to create confusion in the minds of their victims. If oppressors can create uncertainty in their victims about what is happening and who to blame for it, they will be able to maintain control. Almost everyone who is oppressed struggles with confusion, because oppressors need their victims to be off- balance and disoriented. So how do we help victims to cut through the clutter? We have to remember that no one can cause another person to sin. When my husband loads the dishwasher in a way that I do not prefer (I like the glasses to be arranged a certain way), it is up to me how I respond: I can talk to him about it, rearrange the glasses myself, or even overlook it (imagine that!!). His "failure" to do what I want does not cause me to yell at him or throw a glass at him. I cannot blame him for how I respond. That is solely on me. Oppressors are masters at acting like victims and making their spouses believe that it is their fault the oppressor is angry or hurt. They will use verbal attacks that place blame on their victims: "If you weren't so inept, I wouldn't have to yell!" "Just look at you-you are a crying mess!" "Stop with all the emotional drama!" These attacks are sophisticated means of blame-shifting that oppressors use to excuse their sin. I have provided questions to help you to unearth blame-shifting at the end of this chapter. REFLECT 1. 1. Can you recall a time when someone hurt you with their words? How did this affect you and shape your relationship with them? 2. 2. How were you tempted to respond to the person who hurt you? What would it be like to live with hurtful words coming at you every day? 3. 3. How do we, in the Christian culture, often minimize the impact of marital emotional abuse? Can you think of any verses that we use to dismiss the pain and damage that words do to victims? Key Forms of Emotional Abuse There are two forms of emotional abuse that I need to highlight in particular, because they are often the most difficult to detect. Extreme neglect. The exact opposite of love is not hatred or even anger; it is indifference. Indifference says, "You don't matter to me." Many oppressors are passive and disengaged from their wives, but some oppressors conduct their entire marriage relationship in a way that is characterized by indifference. The best way I can describe this type of marriage is to say that such a husband treats his wife as if she is a nonperson and fails to acknowledge her. Extreme neglect is tricky to identify, because it is often not observed through overt behaviors but through what is not happening in a marriage. I have learned to listen for it. Take Meg-a woman I was counseling for depression. She would often say things like the following: "I feel alone and abandoned." "My husband is no longer my friend." "The only time he pays attention to me is when he wants sex." "He is never there for me when I need him the most." "He lives his life as if we weren't married. We're like ships passing in the night-he goes his way, and I go mine." "He doesn't show any interest in me or what I do." At first I attributed many of these statements to Meg's melancholy disposition. It was not until I asked her what a typical evening looked like at her home that I understood the degree of the neglect she was enduring. Her husband rarely spoke to her-not even to communicate what time he expected to be home. He watched TV during dinner, and after dinner he spent hours playing video games. If there was a problem with their finances, he would email her. He did not treat her with the courtesy that you would extend to a roommate. After Meg had gallbladder surgery, he refused to help her inside and up the flight of stairs to her bed. He ordered himself takeout but got nothing for her. Even her pain did not move him to see or care for her. She was utterly on her own. Meg's husband was grossly indifferent to her-no wonder she was depressed. Every day she faced rejection and dismissal. Any husband who is this disengaged from his wife is sinning against her. Indifference is the polar opposite of what the Lord wants us to display in our relationships. We do not merely commit sins by what we do; we also sin when we fail to do the things that God calls us to do. These are called sins of omission-"so whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin" (James 4:17). The Bible tells us many ways in which we are to love one another, and all of them require us to know, care for, and sacrifice for others. Extreme neglect is the true opposite of biblical love. Gaslighting. The term gaslighting comes from the 1944 movie Gaslight. It tells the story of Paula, played by Ingrid Bergman, whose husband, Gregory, manipulates her into thinking she is going insane. He needs to control her so that he can gain access to a fortune in their home, and so throughout the movie, Gregory plays mind games with her-making her doubt her own perception of reality. In one scene, he takes a picture down from the wall and implies that Paula has stolen it. She can't remember doing it, but Gregory seems convinced that she did-so she starts to think that she's losing her mind. In order to seal his control of Paula, Gregory convinces their servants that she is mentally ill. Gaslight is a brilliant film, and I strongly recommend that you view it, because it illustrates many of the aspects of emotional control that are discussed in this chapter. Gaslighting someone means using insidious techniques to make that person doubt their perceptions, memory, and even sanity. It occurs when a husband attempts to convince his wife that her feelings, beliefs, thoughts, and opinions are invalid, inaccurate, or untrue. This is usually a gradual process-but one that intensifies over time. These are the most common tactics it involves:  withholding-pretending not to understand what a victim says or refusing to listen to her countering-questioning the victim's memory of events diverting-challenging the victim's thought process or repeatedly changing the subject trivializing-minimizing a victim's needs or feelings love-bombing-showering a victim with compliments, affection, and intimacy in order to learn her insecurities and innermost desires so that they can later be exploited for the purpose of tearing her down denying-pretending to have forgotten things that have happened or refusing to remember things that the victim says An abuser can also use gaslighting techniques on other people in order to give them the perception that his spouse is crazy. Many husbands have tried to convince me, or a pastor whom I was working with-sometimes with great success at first-that something is deeply wrong with their wives. "My wife was sexually abused as a child and is a fragmented person." "She's so mean. She must be borderline." "You will never get her to tell the truth." "She's so filled with rage that she can't reason." We must be careful and slow as we untangle these reports-because they might be true. We have to be very discerning. Many well-meaning husbands genuinely care for their wives and express concern for their welfare. I have found that when husbands are genuinely concerned for their wives, they are broken over their suffering, are tender with them, and are looking to help. When they are trying to manipulate the perception that other people or I have of their wives, they often use their wives' mental state as a shield to defend or excuse their own actions and attitudes. REFLECT 1. 1. What would it be like to live with someone who did not acknowledge you? What might you begin to believe about yourself and God's care of you? 2. 2. Why do you think an oppressor thrives on creating confusion and deflecting blame?  3. 3. Psalm 10:7-8 shows us that deceptive speech is purposeful and effective. It reads, His mouth is filled with cursing and deceit and oppression; under his tongue are mischief and iniquity. He sits in ambush in the villages; in hiding places he murders the innocent. His eyes stealthily watch for the helpless. Why do you think deceptive words that are spoken to or about victims can be so convincing? Have you ever believed the deceptions of an oppressor? Why do you think oppressors are so effective at promoting their take on their victims and at masking their sin and contributions to their marriage problems? The Impact of Emotional Abuse Enduring persistent attacks on one's personhood and challenges to one's perception of reality does a tremendous amount of damage. Emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse-and when we slow down and think about it, that should not surprise us. Emotional abuse is more pervasive, because it typically occurs more frequently than physical abuse does. While physical abuse is marked by violent incidents, emotional abuse bleeds through an entire relationship. It invades almost every conflict in the marriage and distorts the sufferer's perception of herself and of reality. But more than that, it shapes how a victim thinks about herself. As we will see, this and other aspects of emotional abuse can deeply impact victims in a variety of ways. Victims Don't Realize They Are Enduring Abuse Since victims of emotional abuse don't see the oppression that they are enduring, they usually seek help for the symptoms this oppression causes in them and don't realize what type of support they really need. Very few women whom I have counseled have come right out and said, "My husband is emotionally abusive." In fact, most women whom I counsel come to me for help with their anxiety, depression, or anger. Some believe that they are failing and that their husbands are correct to be dissatisfied with them. They cannot see that their inner turmoil is linked to the harsh and unloving ways in which they have been perpetually mistreated. Victims Blame Their Own Sin for the Abuse No matter the shape that these abuses take, they seep into a humble Christian heart and create tremendous doubt. If a person knows that she is inherently sinful, her heart will interact earnestly with the feedback that her abuser gives her. "Was I mean?" "Did I forget that?" She will search her heart and ask the Lord if there is anything evil in it (see Ps. 139:23-24). Often oppressors, just like Satan, use just a little bit of truth in order to make their accusations stick. This begins to fundamentally distort what victims think they are responsible for. Victims Experience Physical, Emotional, and Mental Damage Repeated personal attacks and manipulations usually cause a victim to experience increased fear, volatility, depression, or even a spectrum of anxiety disorders. The human body crumbles when it is under constant attack. Refer to chapter 4 to review the list of potential damages that abuse causes. Victims Struggle with Shame A person who experiences attacks on her personhood may begin to believe that she is worthless-or even that she deserves mistreatment. Or she may find it too humiliating to share with anyone the vile things that her husband is saying about her. Be very alert for shame when emotional abuse is present, and look for ways to counter it. Victims Begin to Ask Faith Questions Due to the deluge of blame and shame that victims have heaped on them, they often feel that God is displeased with them. They tend to conceptualize the abuse they are experiencing as punishments from God for their past and present sins. When victims no longer see God as someone who forgives sins but as someone who holds them over them, we need to be attentive to other ways in which their hearts have distorted God's character. Remember that the oppressed live with constant fear. Think about the many desperate pleas and distorted statements about God that we see coming out of the mouths of people in Scripture who are filled with fear (see Matt. 8:25; 26:69-75; Mark 8:38). And when abuse takes the shape of extreme neglect, victims often come to believe that God too has neglected and left them. Victims Become Doubtful and Hypervigilant Victims of emotional abuse wonder two things: (1) Do you believe me? and (2) Is it really that bad? This will make it hard for you to navigate your relationships with them. There were days when Emma worried that I would dismiss her stories and other days when she herself minimized them. It took many months not only for her to trust me and my assessments but also for her to see the gravity of her own situation. Victims Question What Is Real Ed Welch has said, "We can't do much about our problems until we can accurately identify them." 2 When victims can't make sense of their reality, they become so disoriented that they can't even articulate what is happening in their marriages. And even when they do, the oppressors insert doubt again in order to twist the victims and shut them up. This is why gaslighting is so sinister and effective. I cannot tell you how many victims come to me with scraps of paper that are filled with notes they have written saying things like, "I wrote this down because I am not sure I remember things right" or "My husband says that this didn't happen, but I think it did-I don't know what to believe." They often lead with their own uncertainty about what transpires in their relationships. It is heartbreaking. Victims May Be Angry On the opposite end of the spectrum from Emma are women like Kate, who react to their abuse in ways that may make them look like the problem. Kate was furious with her husband for failing to pay the bills on time, and she did not shy away from talking about her husband's pornography problem and how her son was exposed to dozens of disgusting images. She was exhausted from having to account for her whereabouts and thought it was ridiculous that her husband believed she was cheating on him. Kate was expressive and animated when she talked about her husband's failings. She was no longer willing to be isolated, so she visited her friends and family whenever she wanted-often leaving her husband behind. A victim like this does not have a problem with perception. Kate saw the injustices she was facing clearly. And while she may not have always been responding correctly to all the ways in which her husband attacked her and used his power to control her, she was right to be angry with his oppressive injustices against her. To be clear, it is not that we should overlook sinful anger without ever addressing it. We have to remember that a victim like Kate is oppressed and in a place of danger. Therefore, our ministerial priority is her protection. We take action first and seek to rescue her-and, if her anger persists, we help her to shape it into cries of lament that honor God. Now you know several things to be attentive for when you are working with victims of abuse-but remember that abuse impacts each heart differently. Some victims are able to tolerate abuses or detect lies better than others are. While the types of impacts above are ones that I have observed, you should be careful not to make assumptions about whether they are present in a particular victim's struggle. Learn how each victim's heart is processing what is happening in her home. As you assess the damage that a victim has sustained, look out for four things: 1. 1. what she thinks about herself 2. 2. how her body and heart are holding up under her abuse 3. 3. why she thinks her husband is mistreating her 4. 4. her view of the relationship God has to her and to her suffering If you can answer these questions about her, you will have a good sense of the person who is in front of you. Helping the Emotionally Oppressed The oppressed need us to help them not only to sort out what is true but also to see the ways that their abuse distorts their perceptions-and sometimes even makes them feel crazy. We can do several things to help them to overcome the disorientation they are experiencing and to begin making steps that lead to healing. Document What Is Occurring Assist victims with sorting through their confusion by helping them to record events. There are several ways you can do this. You can encourage victims to keep a journal or ask them to email you a play-by-play of arguments they experience. For a season, you may have to keep notes yourself after they share stories with you, because they may be too overwhelmed to write everything down. It may be unsafe for them to keep notes that their abusers have the potential to discover, so brainstorm ways around this. Some of my counselees create secret files on their phones or ask friends to hide their journals. Find a system that works with what a victim is currently able to do and that keeps her safe. Not everything has to be documented-you need only enough to help her to see patterns. Correctly Identify the Problem The oppressed need us to introduce them to new categories of thinking that accurately highlight what is happening to them. Victims usually do not have the language to capture their own experiences. Use the list of tactics of emotional abusers, from earlier in this chapter, as categories that can help a victim to organize what she is reporting and can enable the two of you to see patterns emerge together. I use the analogy of sorting laundry with victims. As they share stories with me, I help them to create from three to five sorting baskets for emotionally abusive tactics and encourage them to sort things into the most obvious categories first. I will say to victims that a certain story goes in the isolating or exploitation basket. This helps them to see patterns and purposefulness. Later they will be better prepared to engage with these tactics as they begin to identify what is happening to them in real time. As we label certain behaviors as wrong, it is beneficial for us to turn to the Bible. For instance, when a wife shares that her husband is harsh and cruel with her, I remind her that God's Word has instructed him to live with her in an understanding way (see 1 Peter 3:7). If she discloses that he is indifferent to her pain, I might share 1 Corinthians 12:26, "If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together," to call to her mind the fact that God tells us to show tenderness to one another when we are suffering. We do not want to leave victims thinking that it is only our opinion that these things are wrong. We want them to see the way that Scripture speaks about such behaviors. Assess the Severity of the Abuse As you discover more about a victim's story, you should assess the severity of her abuse so that she becomes more clear about and connected to her own story. Gathering details about her abuse will both reduce her ability to minimize or justify what is happening to her and also help you to understand the intensity of what she is experiencing day in and day out. The more you understand a victim's world, the easier it will be for you to bring Scripture to bear upon it. When we are seeking to determine the severity of the abuse that a victim endures, we have to take two things into account: the seriousness of the abusive behavior and the impact that it has on the victim. The severity of the abusive behavior. I have developed the following spectrum to help you to conceptualize the intensity of the emotional abuse that a victim endures. Consider making a copy of it and having the victim highlight the things that occur in her relationship. This will give both of you a picture of the intensity of the tactics her oppressor uses. Criticism Harsh words Silent treatment Contemptuous facial expressions Blame-shifting Refusing to help you Defensiveness Dismissiveness Dishonesty Withholding affection from you Interrupting you Controlling your appearance Devaluing your feelings Outbursts of anger Humiliating you at home Refusing to listen to you Sarcasm Insults Mocking you Refusing to respond to you Distorting what you say Acting like the victim Yelling Shaming you Disparaging names Falsely accusing you Attacking your feelings Inducing guilt Humiliating you in public Threatening to leave you Isolating you Withholding resources from you Coercing you Spreading lies Excessive jealousy Controlling where you go Aggressive arguing Mind games Gaslighting you Monitoring you Raging Invoking fear Prolonged ignoring Verbal intimidation Threatening to harm your pets Threatening suicide Vicious words Threatening to physically harm you or your kids Their impact on the victim. Domestic abuse is not quantifiable, predictable, or consistent. So in order to determine its severity, we have to assess how a victim is impacted by it. This is equally as important as, if not more important than, keeping a record of what has happened to her. We need to know what the effects of abuse on a particular victim are. In order for you to assess this, I suggest that you revisit the seven effects from chapter 4 together with a victim. You will want to create a detailed list of the ways that the victim is suffering in the following areas: physical anguish, shame, faith struggles, hypervigilance, intrusions, avoidance, and overwhelmed emotions. Look for the Source of a Victim's Anger If a victim is expressing hurt and rage, we need to probe to see what is at the root of these feelings. This may mean that it takes us more time to be sure whether abuse is occurring, but that is okay. It is good for us to go slow and get it right. When Kate was able to share what was happening in her home, a tragic story emerged. Her husband had been emotionally abusing her for fourteen years. It was not wrong for her to react to the injustices that she was facing. Her expressions of anger needed to be addressed one day-but first they needed to be unpacked and identified as the deep cries for help that they were. To cut through the confusion you feel when you are working with angry victims, look for imbalances of power in their marriages and ask questions about the marriages' early history. Keep track of the content of their complaints and ask yourself, "Would these infractions upset God too?" True victims are usually able to see their own contributions to their marital problems, are aware of their anger, and struggle with guilt-unlike most oppressors. They also express some level of fear or dread about making their spouses unhappy. Find out if they live with an anticipation of punishments. It is good to take the time to sort out what you are seeing while you note indicators such as these. They should help you to better discern whether individuals are being abused. God does not shy away from calling sin what it is. We too should properly name the abuses that are at the root of what victims are experiencing. When we are able to join victims in condemning what they experience, we help women like Kate to tell their stories in such a way that people will understand the gravity of the sin and domination that they face. Reorient Victims to Biblical Truths  Emma thought that her role as a wife involved serving her husband and that she was failing. But what Phil wanted went well beyond being served. He made it clear that Emma was not to impose on his comfort and happiness, and thus she thought it was ungodly for her to desire help and care from him. Reminding Emma that God also asks husbands to sacrificially love their wives was helpful to her. "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Eph. 5:25). We need to learn what a victim thinks about her role as a wife so that we can unearth distortions, bad teaching, or ways in which she is misapplying the Bible to her situation. Help Victims to Make the Right Connections Very few women whom I have counseled can initially see that what they are enduring is abuse. We want victims to understand how their abusers function. But in order for this to happen, we need to slow their stories down and help them to discover key details. Ask questions like "What did that behavior accomplish for your husband?" or "What benefit did he receive by using that tactic?" Help victims to understand entitlement and the ways that it manifests in their spouses. Husbands are called to love selflessly. That meant that loving Emma would come at a cost to Phil and would involve changing diapers, visiting with her family, and helping around the home. Because he was unwilling to make these sacrifices, he chose to wound his wife so that she would not dare remind him of what God had called him to do. Phil demanded that life follow his rules instead of the Lord's, and he punished Emma when she failed to meet his demands for ease and comfort. It took time, but Emma was able to see that Phil's punishing behaviors were purposeful and that they kept her from asking him for help. When she made this connection, she could see that she was not responsible for Phil's anger- that it was coming from his own entitled and controlling heart. Help Victims to Know Who They Are in Christ One of the greatest dangers of emotional abuse is that it shapes the way the oppressed think about themselves and ultimately about their personhood before God. Emma thought there was something wrong with her heart, since she did not delight in serving Phil. She believed it was sinful for her to be needy, hurt, or tired. Yes, God delights when wives serve their husbands tenderly, sacrificially, and humbly-but his love is not conditional upon our performance. When Emma failed to meet the unobtainable standards that Phil had set, she felt as if she had failed God. I pointed her to Psalm 40 and how it gave her the freedom to be needy, tired, and broken and to cry for the Lord's help. Over time, we focused on how much Jesus loves her and on how she could rest in what Christ has done for her. Eventually John 15:13 became special to Emma: "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." The more she understood how Jesus's love led him to extend friendship to her, the more she was able to talk to him-and about her burdens. Address Victims' Guilt Victims carry a great deal of misplaced guilt, because they have to withstand many accusations. Help a victim to understand that her oppressive husband will not always be an honest gauge of her guilt. When God convicts us of sin, he does not accuse us-that is the way that Satan works. Remind her that if God wants to bring her sin and failings to her attention, he will use other people to do it who are godly and are wiser than her husband. He loves her so much that he will use others to pursue her heart. She will gain great freedom by learning not to overvalue the voice of the person who is attacking her. When Emma stopped using Phil's happiness as a gauge of whether she was sinning, she was able to see the areas that God did want her to work on and was freed from the intense guilt that had put a wedge in her relationship with the Lord. She no longer felt unworthy of the Lord's help but realized that she had access to it. Learn Victims' Stories A vital part of a victim's healing is her ability to share her story. We need to draw out this story in its entirety. Here are some thoughts on how we can gently encourage victims to share more deeply what is said and done in their homes. Be patient as they share their interpretations of events and behaviors. When you begin to collect the details of victims' stories, you will hear the many ways in which they are rejected, degraded, isolated, exploited, and even terrorized. However, it not uncommon for victims to make excuses for their husbands or to minimize what is happening to them. This is normal. Resist your temptation to try to make them see immediately that what is happening to them is wrong. Go slowly. It often involves a long process for victims to come to terms with the level of abuse that is occurring in their marriages. Stay with them and be patient with them. Be prepared to offer counsel that is repetitive-let truths seep in over time. Keep circling back to the mistreatment that they are disclosing, but do so gently. Often I would say to Emma, "I know that you feel like I'm making a big deal about nothing, but do you remember what happened last month when Phil got angry? Do you remember the names that he called you? I do-and they were powerful and cruel words that crushed you. How have his words hurt you and your marriage?" Many women feel uncomfortable about having shared only the bad things about their husbands and will want to share the ways in which their husbands are "good." Make room for this. Feel free to ask what they admire about their husbands or the ways in which their husbands care well for them. This is the reality of their experience. Their husbands are not one-dimensional. Phil was a provider-he managed money well and took Emma out on lavish dates- and he did lots of charity work at their church. Emma needed me to see all of Phil-not just his sins and weaknesses. For her to be able to trust my counsel, I could not come across as being biased by looking only at his faults. Help them to make accurate assessments over time. It took Emma time to make sense of what she was enduring and to see how pervasive it was. While she can now see the emotional abuse that takes place in her marriage, she often still wonders, "Am I exaggerating? Is it really that bad?" The oppressed need you to be patient and tender as they go through the process of recognition. They need you to help them to remember what happened and how it was hurtful and wrong. Keep in mind that many women who are physically and sexually abused are also emotionally abused and are dealing with the wounds that this inflicts on them as well. There is so much for them to sort through. After I spent months drawing out detailed stories from her, Emma saw the seriousness of what Phil was doing as well as the damage he was causing to her and the children. She began to voluntarily bring up the ways that Phil hurt her. When a shift like this happens in your conversations with an oppressed person, she has likely started to make a fundamental change in the way that she thinks about her marriage. This shift gives victims the ability to engage God and others differently. Since they see the real problem, they can now ask God and others for help. Seeing the reality will be just as painful, if not more painful, for a victim- after all, if the problem is with you, you can do something about it. If it is bigger than you, it is out of your control. If your spouse is someone who torments you, that is a devastating reality to face. REFLECT 1. 1. When we witness abuse, it is difficult for us to go slowly. We want to act. Yet we need to be gentle and patient as we invite victims to see what we see. Why might waiting for victims to see their abuse be difficult for you? 2. 2. What are some ways you can pray for victims as well as for God to work during their reorienting process?  Emotional Abuse Inventory Entitled hearts that resort to coercive control manifest themselves in different ways. To help the oppressed to take an inventory of what is happening in their marriages, we need to use precise questions that draw out the underlying themes of entitlement and mistreatment that they are enduring. Since we are looking for patterns, it is helpful for us to group questions together in a way that highlights the core beliefs of an emotionally abusive spouse. As you ask the oppressed to work through the following questions, be sure to get a sense of the frequency at which the things they describe happen, and look for detailed examples of particular instances. These details help the oppressed to gain insight and help you to care for their specific wounds. Emotionally Abusive People Have Unrealistic Expectations For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. (Mark 10:45) 1. 1. Does your husband make unreasonable demands of you? 2. 2. Does he expect you to put everything aside and meet his needs? 3. 3. Does he demand that you spend all your time with him? 4. 4. Is he dissatisfied no matter how hard you try or work to please him? 5. 5. Does he criticize you for not doing things to his standards? Emotionally Abusive People Devalue You Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Phil. 2:3-4) 1. 1. Does your husband undermine, dismiss, or distort your perceptions or observations? Does he say things like "You are blowing this out of proportion" or "You are exaggerating"? 2. 2. When you are recounting events, does he demand that you name exact dates and times? Does he challenge your perceptions and memory? 3. 3. Does he dismiss your feelings? Or does he require you to explain  how you feel or accuse you of being "too sensitive," "too emotional," or "crazy"? 4. 4. Does he dismiss your requests, wants, and needs as being ridiculous or unmerited? 5. 5. If you make a request, does he accuse you of being selfish, needy, or materialistic? 6. 6. Is he unwilling to spend money and resources on things that you value or need? Emotionally Abusive People Create Confusion For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. (1 Cor. 14:33) 1. 1. Does your husband make confusing or contradictory statements- insisting that something happened when it didn't happen or denying something that actually occurred? 2. 2. Does he have drastic or sudden changes in mood? 3. 3. Does he lie to you, withhold information, or make misleading statements? 4. 4. Do you feel as though you are walking on eggshells around him? Do you find yourself fearing his reaction to things? 5. 5. Does he start arguments over nothing? Or blow things out of proportion? 6. 6. Does he deny that an event took place or lie about it? 7. 7. Does he blame you for his mistakes? Or avoid taking responsibility for his choices? 8. 8. Does he criticize you, your clothes, your body, your work, your parenting, or your housekeeping? Emotionally Abusive People Play on Your Emotions Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear........ Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Eph. 4:29, 32) 1. 1. Does your husband make you feel guilty? 2. 2. Does he make you feel stupid? 3. 3. Does he humiliate you in public or in private? In front of your children? 4. 4. Does he use your fears, values, or compassion against you? 5. 5. Does he focus on or exaggerate your flaws? 6. 6. Does he complain that your apologies are insufficient? 7. 7. Does he withhold affection from you? Emotionally Abusive People Act Superior God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. (James 4:6) 1. 1. Does your husband blame you for his mistakes? 2. 2. Does he treat you like you are inferior? Make jokes at your expense or belittle your way of thinking? 3. 3. Does he doubt what you say or try to prove you wrong? 4. 4. Does he tell you that your thoughts, beliefs, and opinions are illogical or stupid? 5. 5. Does he speak to you in a condescending way? Use sarcasm? 6. 6. Does he believe that he is always right or knows what is best? Emotionally Abusive People Attempt to Isolate and Control You For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. (James 3:16) 1. 1. Does your husband place limitations on or complain about whom you see or spend time with-including your friends and family? 2. 2. Does he criticize or make fun of your friends, family, or coworkers? 3. 3. Are your phone calls, text messages, social media, or email monitored? 4. 4. Has he accused you of cheating? Is he jealous of your other relationships? 5. 5. Does he demand to know where you are at all times? Has he followed you or used GPS or your odometer to monitor your whereabouts? 6. 6. Does he limit your access to money or resources? 7. 7. Does he implore you to spend all your free time with him? Or act upset when you have other plans? 8. 8. Does he take or hide your car keys? Prevent you from leaving home?  Emotionally Abusive Tactics Inventory Gaslighting and blame-shifting are difficult for a victim to detect, because by their very nature they redefine reality for the victim. How will she know what is true if her mind is clouded by doubt and uncertainty? If she is made to believe that she is responsible for the way she is being treated, how is she to know otherwise? One way to unearth these types of emotional abuse is to screen for the effects they have on a victim. Here are some questions that will help you to uncover how a victim's mind is being targeted and the impact that this is having on her. Gaslighting Which of the following statements would you identify with? I am constantly second-guessing myself. I wonder if I am too sensitive. I often feel confused about things that have happened or been said. I apologize for things that I am not even sure happened. I withhold information because I do not want to start a debate about things that have happened. Something feels off, but I do not know how to express it. I have trouble making everyday decisions. I feel like I have lost my confidence. I wonder why I cannot remember things accurately. I think twice before bringing up certain, seemingly innocent topics of conversation. Blame-Shifting Do you feel responsible when your spouse is angry? What does he say that makes you feel this way? When he is angry or disappointed, what does he say? What does he do to let you know he is upset with you? When you try to confront him about doing something, does he accuse you of doing the same thing yourself? Does he bring up-or make up-something unrelated from the past when you are talking about how he has hurt you? After bringing up a concern, do you find yourself comforting him? When you challenge his behavior, does he hurl unfounded accusations at you? Does he tell stories about his past hurts in order to excuse his behavior? Does he accuse you of being too sensitive or emotional?  Helping Victims to Communicate with Church Leaders Many victims I work with want their churches to be involved with shepherding them. Some desire that the church will pursue their husbands' repentance. Others need help with fleeing. And many victims wish for support as they sort out how to respond to their oppression. Since abuse is a hidden reality that is complex and painful for victims to talk about, thinking through the church engagement process ahead of time is helpful. Having engaged dozens of churches, I want to share with you some key elements that have made initial conversations with them fruitful. Get the Lay of the Land Before you have the victim share her story of abuse, seek to assess whether her church has experience with caring for the oppressed. You want to be aware of the church's strengths and weaknesses so that you can both guide the victim wisely and assist the church with responding well. If they do have previous experience, ask the following questions: Who in the church has provided abuse care previously? Does the church have a domestic abuse policy? What is their process for when a woman comes forward? As they have cared for victims, what have they learned along the way? If they do not (or if you are unsure), then anticipate that you will have to educate the church about abuse. Using language that builds understanding, be prepared to speak about why oppression is not a marriage problem, how coercive control enslaves victims, the fact that victims need guidance and protection, and how to spot true repentance from abuse. This usually takes several conversations. In my experience, these exchanges go best when I start with questions. I want to learn about how the leaders of a church think first. I do not want to overload them but want to share the information that they need. Feel free to use other resources to help church leaders to gain insight into the insidious nature of abuse (see appendix B and the recommended resources section). They will learn best when they feel understood and cared for; it is harder for people to be open when they feel defensive, so model the gentleness that you hope they will have for victims. While this is best done before a victim shares her story, it does not always work out that way. Pray, and Prepare the Victim to Share Her Story After praying and seeking the Lord's help, I often have the oppressed wife write things down so that she can be comprehensive and focused. 3 Abuse can be as difficult to reveal as it is to endure. Things that you will want a wife to include as she writes are a list of detailed oppressive behaviors and patterns that you uncovered (I prefer to present mine in a timeline); 4 Scripture that she believes speaks to her heart and situation; an awareness that she is a sinner-but that she is not in any way responsible for the abuse (churches respond better when they sense that they are dealing with a humble heart); her spiritual concerns for her husband; why she is asking for support. It is helpful if victims can be ready to articulate the practical ways that the church might bless them-such as through counseling, making phone calls asking for prayer, mentoring her children, providing her with financial help, giving her assistance with fleeing, confronting her husband's sin, or helping her to build community. Meet When it comes time for you to meet, you will want to make sure that there is a female presence in the room. The victim has already been harmed by a man who is in authority over her; be sensitive to this. It will be challenging for her to face several male leaders alone. As a counselor, I like to be present at these initial meetings, but it is also helpful to have another woman from the church there who might be part of the care process-an elder's wife, someone on a women's ministry team, an advocate, or one of her trusted friends. Many times, leaders are in shock and do not know how to respond. I have found it helpful to prompt them to share how they are reacting to what they have heard. I often ask them, "What is heavy on your heart right now?" Most initial meetings do not end with a ministry plan in place. You are inviting prayerful people in who will need a little bit of time to think through what should happen next. I suggest that you set a follow-up date at the time of the initial meeting. This will help the victim to feel cared for. The information that is shared in a meeting is often disorienting for both victims and leaders. Victims wonder if they have said enough or too much- were they clear? And leaders, as they wrestle with what they hear, ask questions-some of which will be interpreted as hurtful or confusing. I always plan time to debrief and pray alone with the victim after the meeting. Remember that communicating about oppression is a process, and your initial conversation is just one of many that will occur over the coming weeks. We ourselves know what it is like for the victim only because we have chosen to love, listen to, walk with, and pray for her. Invite the church to do the same, so that their burden for, desire to protect, and prayers for the sufferer will increase. We want her earthly shepherds to take the same kind of posture toward her that the Lord describes when he talks about the kind of shepherd he is in Ezekiel 34:15-16-to seek her out and tend to her wounds while offering her rest and protection. And in order to offer the help that she needs, they will likely need to know what we know about oppression and about the victim's own story.  A Note to Pastors and Elders Victims of abuse are looking for you to guide and help them. Whether they are from my own church or from another church, most victims whom I work with place a high value on the role that the church plays in their lives. They want my help with talking to their church leaders about what they are enduring-yet, even so, they fear not being believed. They often say, "It is just my word against his-who will believe me?" and so they fear reaching out for help. I encourage you to take a posture with a victim that will invite her to tell her story. The more you seek to actively learn about her and her situation, the clearer things will become. You will have to work to verify the information that you are hearing. If you are able to safely follow up with her oppressor, try to gain clarity by listening for the presence of entitlement in his words and attitude. Is he concerned about his own sin, or is he fixated on his wife's? As someone who has authority, you need to use it wisely and justly. You have a serious responsibility, and this should give you all the more incentive to properly understand the situation and the people before you. The churches I have seen that have done a great job of caring for the abused have taken the time to understand oppressors' mentality and engaged in a process of protecting victims while pursuing oppressors' deep-seated self-worship problem. They understand that they are called by God to protect his sheep. As Jesus warns, "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves" (Matt. 7:15). And Ezekiel speaks of the watchman who is appointed by God and is responsible for the safety of the lives that are entrusted to him. "But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet, so that the people are not warned, and the sword comes and takes any one of them, that person is taken away in his iniquity, but his blood I will require at the watchman's hand" (Ezek. 33:6). This is a high and difficult calling, and I have watched pastors wrestle with what it means. I am inviting you to wrestle with it as well. Be involved. Seek to know and protect your sheep. One simple step you can take to help victims right out of the gate is to name the evil that they are enduring. The Bible does not shy away from calling sin sin. You do not need to make a definitive declaration that something is abuse in order to call out destructive and recurring sin and to weep for the extensive damage it has done to a person. Victims need to know that what they are enduring goes against God's design and that they are right to be in agony because of what has happened to them. So, while it is okay to wait before labeling something as abuse until you are sure that it truly is, be active to engage sins and suffering that are clear to you. In time, you might become involved in a confrontation with an oppressor or in implementing a plan to protect his victim while pursuing his repentance. 5 As you engage the oppressor, you will want to lay out concrete ways for him to do battle with an entrenched sin pattern (such as by going to counseling, attending an abusive men's group, reading, confessing, praying with overseers, or putting on humble and servant-like behaviors). The more detail you provide regarding what is required of him, the more it can be used later on to assess firsthand how teachable, broken, and earnest he is becoming. So be sure to create specific benchmarks that will help you to measure his progress. Following this, schedule regular dates to check in with both the oppressor and the victim in order to assess the steps the oppressor is taking, the progress he is making, and the types of coercive control he is still using. One counselee of mine was greatly blessed by her church when she came forward to disclose her abuse. Initially, she set up a meeting with her pastor, an elder, and myself so that she could disclose the oppression. The elder called her every few weeks to check in with her, see how she was doing, and pray with her. After a few months, she grew to trust that her church leaders saw the extent of her abuse and were concerned by it. She asked the pastor if he would speak to her husband. Two elders and the pastor met with the oppressor and shared two main areas of concern with him. They closed the meeting by affirming their desire for him to be in the right place with the Lord and providing him with concrete ways to work on specific sins. As they continued to connect with the husband and his wife, it became clear that he was not interested in pursuing change, so they began to help her to think through how she would respond to his commitment to being oppressive. Their yearlong pursuit of her husband blessed the wife in many ways-but I want to highlight two of them. First, she knew that she was not alone in her assessment of what was happening to her and had overseers to help her when her husband failed her. And second, when the church pursued her husband to help him to be reconciled to Christ, it helped her to feel that she had done everything she could do to restore his relationship with God.  9 Uncovering Spiritual Abuse Because you push with side and shoulder, and thrust at all the weak with your horns, till you have scattered them abroad, I will rescue my flock; they shall no longer be a prey. And I will judge between sheep and sheep. (Ezek. 34:21-22) When I asked Beth how her husband, Joe, prayed for her, she shared the most recent example that had taken place. "Last week he prayed over me and asked God to help me not to be so selfish and greedy and for Jesus to deliver me from the evils that plague me. He pleaded with God to watch over me because I can't be trusted." Through her tears, she continued to describe his prayer. "He said that my inability to control myself means that I hate God and that God would be right to cast me out of his kingdom." Beth went on to say that Joe had drawn from Matthew 6:24 to pray, "No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." And, if that were not bad enough, she finished by saying, "He pleaded with God to grant him the ability to tolerate what God himself barely can." Why had Beth's husband, an elder at their church, prayed this way? After some unpacking, I learned that this had been his response to Beth's overspending on the groceries she had bought, for their family of nine, by six dollars. After years of having Scripture prayed over her in this way, Beth found it nearly impossible to open her Bible without believing that God was condemning her-just as her husband had insinuated. She was wrecked by this. Praying had become nearly impossible for her. Worse, she began to confuse the words of her abuser for what God said about her. She had come to believe she was unworthy of the Lord and his care. Is It Spiritual Abuse? Spiritual abuse occurs when an oppressor establishes control and domination by using Scripture, doctrine, or his "leadership role" as weapons. This form of abuse can be subtle, because it can mask itself as religious practice. If a husband exhibits control-oriented leadership over his wife, lords his power over her, demands submission from her, or uses Scripture in her daily life or their conflicts together in shaming and punishing ways, these are signs of spiritual abuse. When a spiritual abuser twists Scripture and uses it to attack, his abuse can feel as though it comes from God himself. Even though he is taking Scripture out of context, distorting it, and weaponizing it, the oppressor is using God's words-so it can seem as if God is the one doing the shaming. Spiritual abuse is a close cousin to emotional abuse-except it is more profoundly wounding-as it often leaves victims isolated from God. Since it uses God and his Word to dominate and scold, victims can find it hard to separate the abuse from their understanding of who God is or of how he sees them. When husbands use Scripture to control and criticize, however, they are using it in the exact opposite way from what God intends. Ephesians 5 tells husbands that they are to use Scripture in a sanctifying way that lifts shame. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. (vv. 25-27) A husband should bring his wife to the Word in a way that helps her to know that she is cherished by Jesus as his radiant bride-one whom he loves and sacrifices for. When oppressors use religious teachings to shame victims and to highlight their failure and guilt, they leave their victims cut off from the knowledge of how Jesus's sacrifice makes them worthy and unites them to him. People who are degraded by harsh teaching are left without hope and grace. They come to believe that they are worthless, because their oppressors' focus remains on them and not on what Jesus has done. This sets into motion all types of distortions about who God is and who they are before him. The Dynamics of Spiritual Abuse The Spiritual Abuses of the Pharisees Jesus condemns those who preach things that they do not practice themselves-those who place heavy, difficult loads on others' shoulders and do not lift a finger to help them. In Matthew 23, he pronounces seven denunciations against those who add oppressive burdens. His words are harsh -because there is so much at stake. Those who followed the Pharisees and scribes were burdened with the wrong things, and this kept them from following God. As in Beth's case, so much of what was spoken to them was in direct contradiction to God's actual Word. Jesus desires for people to come to know God and be reconciled with him. The Pharisees created a barrier to doing so. Jesus's denunciations make it clear that he stands against what they did. To help you better understand the wounds of marital spiritual abuse, focus on the serious harm Jesus pinpoints the Pharisees and scribes doing to those whom they were called to care for. He accuses them of doing the following things: shutting up the kingdom (v. 13) stealing from the vulnerable (v. 14) leading their converts on the wrong path (v. 15) making them children of hell-converting them to an untrue religion that preached performance over relationship with the Lord (v. 15) promoting technicalities that could be used to get out of oaths that had been made (vv. 16-22) being obsessed with trivialities while neglecting the more important matters of the law, such as justice, mercy, and faithfulness-which left people vulnerable (vv. 23-24) being full of greed and self-indulgence (v. 25) persecuting those whom they were called to shepherd (v. 34) These eight deep griefs that Jesus proclaims often breathe life into sufferers when they see him rebuking the treatment that they have experienced. He is clear in the way he calls out what is wrong. The Pharisees, like spiritually abusive husbands, were leading others away from God. Their guilt-inducing and shaming words inflicted tremendous damage. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees so strongly because his heart was broken over the damage they were doing. We too should be broken when we encounter such damage. Spiritual Abuse in Marriage Husbands who use Scripture to oppress their wives tend to be control- oriented-they use guilt, fear, and intimidation to manipulate them for their own comfort and glory. They attack the personhood or character of their wives by using Scripture as a lance. Spiritually oppressive husbands exhibit the following characteristics: They overemphasize their authority. They may elevate their points of view above those of their pastors, above those of teachers, and even above the Bible itself. Husbands in a spiritually abusive marriage often require unconditional submission. They are image-conscious. They work hard to maintain an image of righteousness when they are in public. They deny or cover up their own sins and flaws. And they are good at performing acts that appear righteous and at bringing attention to their "holiness." They are paranoid. Their thinly veiled, performance-based spirituality is threatened by exposure. If others saw what they were really like, they would be quickly rejected-and so they work to isolate their victims and limit other influences on them. They cannot afford to be recognized for who they really are, so they often cut off people who pose any threat to them. They suppress criticism. They will not allow questions, dissent, or open discussions about issues. Their theology is unbalanced. They tend to focus on minor or peripheral theological matters. They have lower standards for themselves than for others. They require others to have a high standard of righteousness while excusing their own failings. They are not teachable. They keep company only with like-minded people. They are legalistic. They make and enforce extrabiblical rules. They often do not submit to authority. They tend to flee church discipline and fail to submit to church leadership and secular authorities. They use fear as motivation. They use fear and coercion to persuade others to obey them or share their point of view. REFLECT 1. 1. What would it be like to be married to someone who cared more about appearance than about true righteousness? 2. 2. If the Bible was used in a twisted way to condemn and control you,  how would that challenge your faith, your view of God, and your desire to be in the Word and with God's people? 3. 3. Spiritually abusive people believe that they are right and that they have nothing to learn from others, and they suppress criticism. If you had concerns about how your husband was leading you but could not raise them to him, how would that affect you? How would you come to view your spouse? Given what the Bible teaches about marriage, would you feel guilty for feeling that way? The Impact of Spiritual Abuse A young wife, Logan, sees her husband, Nate, being harsh and acting unloving toward their children. Logan is concerned, so she approaches her husband later that night. Nate calmly tells her that she is not to challenge him and that he is doing what the Bible says to do. She pushes back and brings to his attention the ways that he invoked fear in their children. Nate responds by questioning her interpretation of Scripture, her understanding of grace, her inability to trust his authority, and ultimately her faith-and he artfully uses passages of Scripture to do it. Logan is left disoriented and littered with guilt and shame. She is questioning not just what she witnessed but also her own heart before the Lord. Spiritual abuse does tremendous damage. Below are some of the distortions that take place within spiritual abuse and that you should be alert to. It is important to know how a victim has internalized the abuse she has endured, the effects it is having on her faith, and how prevalent it is in her world. God's Word Is Used Abusively When abusive control is combined with Bible verses, oppressed people do not always know that what they are being told is wrong. This makes it very challenging for victims to identify the damage and for helpers to untangle them from the lies. Criticisms can be so closely tied to verses that wives do not question their husbands' condemnations. Since victims do not always recognize that Scripture has been weaponized in order to control them, they see only their guilt and their need to obey better. Redeeming the minds of these victims with the truth of the actual gospel is quite a challenge. Susan's husband was constantly telling her that she failed to respect him. She sensed that his perpetual unemployment was contributing to the fact that she felt this way. And she knew what the Bible says about respecting your husband-of which Frank often reminded her (see Eph. 5:33; 1 Peter 3:1-6). Frank took advantage of her guilt and made sure that she met all his preferences regarding food, fun, and family. Her "lack of respect" meant that her preferences and voice could not be trusted and had to be silenced. Susan thought that Frank was right to foster her respect for him in this way. Faith Questions Flourish When abusers take the Bible out of context and use it to control, the truth that it contains often comes into question. Many wives struggle to know what to believe and to see God as someone who loves them, and some of them struggle to uphold their belief that the Bible's teaching is true. Abusers inundate their wives with so much wrong teaching that they become spiritually ensnared and vulnerable. We have to go slowly with these victims and unpack what they are wrestling with. As we move in to help them, they will be left wondering what is right and whose interpretation-ours or their spouses'-is correct. It is easy for helpers to unknowingly cause victims more disorientation. Until victims can see the ways they are being manipulated, the sheer amount of faith questions that they are wrestling with will continue to grow. This creates tremendous stress for them, which causes some to turn away from their faith. We want to be sure we have identified the questions that they have and that we are slowly addressing them, as well as to make sure they are tracking with us. Carly's husband would present her with long lists of her shortcomings and would claim that they were sins against God. There was not an evening during which he did not scrutinize her cooking, parenting, appearance, or housekeeping. She began to question whether she was a believer. She believed she had failed at so many things, and she was left with many questions. If her heart manufactured only bad fruit, should she even lead her children in devotions? She questioned why God would not help her. Were her prayers wrong? Why else wouldn't God grant her desire to be pleasing to him? Could the Bible be wrong about what was required of her? It felt like too much for anyone to get right. God Seems to Be Complicit When Scripture is twisted and used to attack, oppressed wives can experience the condemnation and abuse of their husbands as if it comes from God himself. Oppressors reinterpret and poison the Bible that their victims read. Scripture ceases being comforting to them. When this happens, a person can become isolated from God. A helper will wonder a few things about a victim who is in this situation (and may even ask her about them). Where does she go for help or comfort? Whom does she pray to? Who is available to help her? A victim may cease being able to see the true, loving God and may potentially see only an evil, twisted view of him and of herself, through the distorted lens of Scripture that has been used to oppress her. Sometimes she can't peel the two apart. The abuses that she faces in her earthly relationships will inform her view of who God is and of how he relates to her. For wives who are in this situation, we will need to slow down, take time to build their trust, and learn about how they view God and others. Carly, for example, came to believe that God was a cruel taskmaster-one who, like her husband, could never be pleased. As she read through the Bible, she failed to see the grace that it offers, and her heart was choked out by the law that her husband so readily highlighted in order to control her. Carly felt that God was disappointed in her and had removed his blessings from her. The promises in the Bible, which she had once clung to, she no longer believed were for her. She stopped reading Scripture, then stopped praying- thinking that she had been abandoned in her sin. Hypocrisy Challenges Trust in One's Christian Community Living with an abusive spouse who spews hatred and rage but portrays himself as being pious can turn a wife off not only to the Bible but also to others in her faith community who buy into her husband's deceptions and performance. Stan was the model elder who always showed up at people's homes to pray with them in their times of need. When Melissa and Stan's baby died at birth, Stan was cold and cruel. He blamed Melissa's lack of faith for their baby's death and, instead of comforting her, lectured her for having a weak spirit and crying. As she watched him continue to care for others, Melissa's interest in church faded, and she isolated herself from the community that adored him. Church Culture May Promote Spiritual Abuse Sometimes a husband is following the teachings of his church by being spiritually abusive-he is abusive because that is what he has been taught. Some abusers believe, promote, and practice detrimental lies that they too believe to be true. Jim's church taught him that people who were obedient would not face suffering and that wives had to display this obedience to not just God but also their husbands. When his son had a high fever, he instructed his wife to focus on repentance and forbade her from taking the child to a doctor. Julie became frantic as his temperature kept rising. She pleaded with their pastor to talk to her husband about going to a doctor. The pastor told her, "You must obey your husband. Your child will be healed only if you obey him. God will judge your obedience-and if your child dies, it will be because you failed to honor your husband." The way that her husband and this pastor applied 1 Peter 3:1 was out of balance and distorted. But since this distortion was part of the culture of their church, it was even harder for Julie to see it-let alone stand against it. Thankfully, she did go to a doctor and get her child the medication he needed-but she was almost excommunicated for doing so. REFLECT 1. 1. Are there times that you struggle with aspects of God's character? What has helped you to see the heart he has for you? 2. 2. Jesus's submission to his father was voluntary and was characterized by humility and righteousness. Abusers often misuse passages to force victims to submit in unrighteous ways. Do you have clarity on passages that speak about the submission of wives, such as Ephesians 5:22-23; 1 Timothy 2:11-12; and 1 Peter 3? I do not have the space I would need in order to discuss all the nuances regarding what submission is and is not. But I encourage you to find a mentor or a pastor who can help to prepare you for having necessary discussions about these passages. 3. 3. Since victims are controlled by false guilt, use passages such as Romans 3:23-24 to remind them that God's relationship with us is based on his grace and not on our failures. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. What other passages might you share with a spiritually ensnared wife to show her that she is God's beloved daughter?  4. How might you get a sense that a victim believes that God is complicit in her abuse? Victims do not often verbalize this fear, since it feels wrong to them to say it out loud. What are other ways that you might pick up on it? Helping the Spiritually Oppressed When the Word of God or spiritual speech is used to control and shame someone, we cannot even imagine the distortions, injuries, lies, and exploitations that result. We need to ask thoughtful questions in order to discover what parts of the Bible abusers have referenced, what they have said, and what victims now believe. We need to be aware of the damage that has been done to a victim-and especially aware of the specific harm that has been done to her relationship with the Lord. We need to be aware of and sensitive to the wounds that victims carry so that we do not do more harm as we move in to help them. Think about a child who has a skinned knee. He often tries to resist help: "Don't touch! Don't touch it! It's gonna hurt, Mommy. No!" He would rather conceal the wound and cry than present it for mending, because he knows it will hurt if you touch it. Or consider a burn victim. You do not even have to touch her wounds in order to cause her more pain; you need only walk too close to her in order to create a painful breeze. Spiritual wounds are similar. When we get close to someone, when we poke around in her story, and even when we use Scripture, it can cause her more pain. Even our good intentions and words of faith can hurt victims deeply. This means that you must understand victims' wounds before you speak to them. Focus on bringing them healing in a way that causes them the least pain possible. The spiritually oppressed carry profound injuries with them, so we must slow down and understand their situations and experiences. Gather Your Information Knowing a victim's story, her context, her particular wounds, and how she engages with her community and with Scripture will help us as we seek to care for her. We must understand how she will hear and experience us. There is a spiritual abuse inventory at the end of this chapter that will help you to discern the extent of her damage and how it occurred. Keep in mind that a victim's damage can be so great that it might lead her to doubt her salvation -and it is possible that her faith questions have caused her so much doubt that she is struggling to believe at all. As you begin working with her, seek to learn the specific teachings or passages that have been used to harm or control the victim, what it is like for her to carry the wounds she has suffered, and how these wounds have shaped her perceptions of Christians, the church, marriage, people in authority, the Bible, and God. Victims do not always see the damage that has been done to them, so you don't want to ask them, "How was Scripture used to shame you?" They may not attribute their suffering to the things they have been told. Ask broader questions that seek to find out what has been said to them-and, since their Christian community can also shape the way they hear Scripture, by whom as well-such as "How do you think the Bible addresses our shame?" It is usually not wise to label behaviors as abuse that you have heard about or observed-at least not initially. Doing so will likely shut down a victim's disclosure of the misuses of Scripture that she is enduring. Find out how much of the victim's community voices the distortions that she is hearing. Distorted beliefs may be embedded within an entire church culture or family structure. Learn how her community thinks. The who and the how are really important-but is it also imperative that you unearth which words or verses were used in wounding ways. Know What Not to Say The goal of using the questions at the end of this chapter is to uncover a victim's major wounds before you step in with Scripture. In the ER, workers triage and treat the most urgent and severe wounds first. But even ER workers cannot see everything-such as internal bleeding, for example-so they run tests, because making assumptions can be deadly. The same is true with an abused spouse. Take the time to know the actual extent of the damage that has been done to her, as you keep in mind your goal for her to share with you the exact words and verses that have perforated her heart and stuck with her. That way, you will not make the mistake of using those same verses and concepts to try to help her. I remember talking with a young woman and appealing to the shepherd analogy as I talked about God's care of her-only to learn that her husband had used to text her messages about all the ways that she was destroying her flock. I had no idea that he referred to her children as sheep that she was leading to the slaughter. Discern What the Victim Hears  When you are speaking with a wife who has been spiritually abused, be aware of the way in which she hears or interprets certain words and terms. Sufferers are prone to hear what they have been conditioned to believe, and thus they will import all the distortions that they have been hearing into whatever Scripture passage we have open before them. It is the twisting and corruption of true things into untrue things that make working with spiritual abuse victims complex. Satan did this in the garden-he twisted and corrupted true things into lies. He did the same thing when he tempted Jesus -using God's good words and obscuring the truth. We need to know how victims are hearing us-so check in with them to see what they hear you saying. Pay particular attention to how they are hearing any theological terminology. Consider another counselee of mine. I would talk about the grace that God had for her when she was obsessing over her failings. I thought I was encouraging her until I learned she had been told that "grace" described the way that God tolerated what he hated about her. For her, the idea did not carry any notion of God's love for her. The word had been so corrupted that I had to find other ways to speak of God's mercy and love. Remember that a wife who has been spiritually abused has lived under distorted teaching. She cannot always grasp what we are actually saying, so before we speak it is imperative that we learn how she will hear us. Listen in Order to Learn The less we speak during a victim's initial disclosure of abuse, the more we will learn about what she has been told and believes. It will be tempting for us to jump into her story and start rectifying what she believes with what Scripture actually says, but a victim needs to tell her whole story and to give us a picture of what has hurt her. Slow down and learn what she believes to be true or which lies have shaped her thinking. When we unearth the abuses that a victim has endured, we will quickly realize the distortions that have taken place and grasp how passages were misapplied by her oppressor. We will have clarity about what is wrong with what he has told her, because it was not our minds and our consciences that were targeted. We are removed from the situation-we have a different perspective on it. This will not be the same for the targeted person. She will be in the fog of it and not always able to share our clarity. She may know that something is off, or she may wholeheartedly believe what she has been told about herself and the Lord. Please keep in mind that at this juncture, appealing to the Bible may make things temporarily worse for her. It is better to ask broader questions such as "What attributes of God give you comfort?" "What attributes give you distress?" or "Is there a time you can remember being confident in your faith?" Do Not Debate What has happened to victims is wrong; and while we can use the Bible to get at the truth, we need to be mindful that what we are doing is so much more than a battle over what is true. We do not need to debate the person in front of us, because our interactions with her are not simply about correct interpretations of Scripture. They are about the pursuit of a heart-and when Jesus pursues hearts, he is gentle and patient. Doing this will take us time and careful application. We cannot go at her heart like we would approach a theological debate-we will only wound her further. We must do the careful work of unpacking, patiently pursuing, and drawing out her story and her interpretations of Scripture. It is not enough for us to point out the lies that she has heard. She needs to encounter our compassionate Savior. Eventually we will help her to interpret Scripture correctly, but first we must care for the person in front of us. Expect to See Distress As we begin to ask questions that reveal what has happened to a victim, know that she will express a range of emotions. As she realizes the wrong that has been done to her, she will feel anger, grief, guilt, hurt, and loss. Just as in the case of the death of a loved one, her experience of wrestling through this will be circular, complex, and packed with wide swings of emotion. She will need time to process this unique hurt. It is okay that it will be messy. It is critical for a victim to express her heart as she goes through this. The things she has been told are not just intellectual words that have stayed at a theoretical level. These words have deeply embedded themselves in her heart -and we need to hear the full cries of that heart. How has what she has experienced affected her? What has it done deep within her? The Invitation That You Offer As we move in to help victims, our ultimate goal is to help them to see Jesus accurately and to repair their relationship with him. In order for them to reach this goal, we need to restore their relationship with Scripture so they can believe and trust God's love for them anew. But the process of reaching this goal needs to be just as redemptive as the goal itself. As we care for tender people, we need to do so in a way that represents Jesus's heart for them. Victims have already been told what to think and shown ways in which they do not measure up, so we have to very careful about how we proceed with them. How do we do this well? We must act in a way that redeems a victim's perception of Jesus and that helps her to understand what God's Word actually says-the way Jesus really views her and what he actually requires of her. Jesus's own words in Matthew 11 are an invitation to broken and overburdened souls. They are spoken to the same people who sat under the Pharisees whom Jesus rebuked in Matthew 23. He says, Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (vv. 28-30 NIV) Jesus invites the weary and burdened to come to him. His invitation recalls Jeremiah 31:25-"For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish"-in which we see the Lord offering his people rest under the new covenant. The weary whom this verse mentions are those who have struggled long and toiled hard. And the heavy- laden whom Matthew mentions are those who stagger under excessive burdens. Jesus is speaking in this passage from Matthew to a people who are suffering under the overburdening words of Israel's leaders and their misapplication of the law and of Scripture-just like wives who are suffering in spiritually oppressive marriages. Jesus invites them to find rest in him, because he is different-he is the one who replenishes souls by fulfilling the law so that they can be unburdened and at peace with God and find rest that is based solely on what Jesus has done. Jesus then invites them to take on his yoke. This is not the yoke of the Mosaic law but the yoke of learning about Jesus (or, as Colossians 2, says, "walking in him"-see v. 6) and being built or grafted into him-the one who has done all the work. Jesus is the one who fully knows the fallen state of our hearts and chooses to lift our guilt rather than to shame us. He does not threaten us (except those of us who misuse their authority-see Matt. 23:13-38; Luke 11:37-54). He does not oppress us-he sets us free. His yoke is light, because he bears our burdens with us-and bore our sins for us. By his choice and for his delight, he woos us to himself. It is out of love that he moves toward us-and he does so gently. The wounded and weak were drawn to Jesus because he affirmed their personhood-by listening to them, empathizing with them, and advocating for them. He loved them tenderly-and so should we. Over time, and with gentleness, we need to help connect wives who have been wounded by Scripture to Jesus anew by highlighting his gentleness for them. This cannot be done through a formula; it has to be done with consideration for each person's particular story and wounds-and thus each interaction will look different. Painting an accurate portrait of their Savior will take time, but it is vital for victims' healing. How can we capture the surprising gentleness of Jesus for those who do not see it? In order for us to do this, we ourselves have to read Scripture with his gentleness in mind. We must collect stories from the Bible that illustrate his tenderness and must pray about ways we can capture this for the wounded wives whom we care for. But we will first express it to them through our person. It is not enough for us to teach the wounded about Jesus's gentleness. We invite Christ to shape us when we help tender souls. The teachings of Paul capture his pleas for us to be gentle as we work to represent Jesus (see 1 Cor. 4:21; 2 Cor. 10:1; Gal. 6:1). Be on the lookout for ways to point to and display his gentleness for victims so that you give them a taste of the gentle healer. Invite victims to speak about the ways that you hurt them. Victims need the contrast between us and their oppressors to be clear. Oppressors do not allow correction-and so we should routinely invite them to share how we have hurt them or how we and others have missed their hearts. Paul tells Timothy to gently instruct even those who oppose him (see 2 Tim. 2:25). We are called to exude gentleness-and when we fail to do so (which we will), we have additional chances to be gentle when we let victims tell us that we have hurt them, inadvertently shamed them, moved too fast, pushed too hard, or sounded preachy. This is hard for us-but critical! These wives have been hurt by oppressive people who lack gentleness. We, like Paul, need to lead our discussions with them by acknowledging our own need for Jesus and the fact that we are with them-not above them-in the need we both have for a gentle Savior. We know what our goal is: to help victims to see Jesus accurately-and in order to do that, we need to help them to read Scripture in a way that blesses them, because Scripture is a vital part of the Christian walk. But we must have so much more than that goal in mind-we must seek to restore the heart a victim has for God and his Word. This takes time. Be patient, and seek to put Jesus's gentleness on display. REFLECT 1. 1. Spend some time reflecting on Paul's pleas for us to be gentle in the way that we represent Jesus-see 1 Corinthians 4:21; 2 Corinthians 10:1; and Galatians 6:1 2. 2. Think about your words, facial expressions, body language, and approach to ministry-in which of these areas do you show gentleness well? 3. 3. In what areas or circumstances do you see yourself struggling with being gentle? 4. 4. If you are like me, you will fail-so be comforted by these words: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (2 Cor. 12:9). What weaknesses can you identify in yourself that you need to ask the Lord for help with refining?  Spiritual Abuse Inventory The presence of spiritual abuse in a marriage introduces complexities to our attempts to open the Bible and offer Christian counsel to a victim. So our goal for ministering to this type of abuse is twofold. First, we need to learn the ways in which victims have been spiritually abused. They might not recognize that what has been done to them is abusive, so we need to learn how Scripture and doctrine have been used on their hearts and in their homes. We need to be diligent in our attempts to discover this, because victims rarely report it. Second, we need to learn which truths have been twisted in a victim's relationship or how the Bible has been misused. Take time to learn how the victim will interpret portions of Scripture or receive your counsel. As you ask the questions below, pay careful attention to what the victim currently believes about herself, about God, and about his Word. Note any distortions of these things that she believes, and tuck away what you learn to use as a guide for the beautiful truths you will need to redeem to her over time. Reflecting on the Marriage How does your husband use Scripture in daily life and in conflict? How does he pray for you? Does he demand submission and unquestioning loyalty and obedience? Does your husband exhibit control-oriented leadership-in effect lording his role over you? Does he use guilt, fear, and intimidation to control and manipulate you? Does he claim that questioning him is akin to questioning God? Unearthing Community Beliefs How have people spoken into your life or suffering? Have you spoken to people in your church about your marriage? If so, how have they guided you? Are there verses or biblical principles that leave you feeling responsible for how you are being treated or condemned before God or others? Which ones? What or who has shaped your thinking about the role or responsibility that a wife has in a marriage? Learning about the Sufferer's Heart What do you believe God thinks about you or your situation? Are you left feeling guilty, fearful, and/or encouraged when you pray or hear Scripture? What goes through your mind, or what do you feel, when you try to read Scripture? What is like for you to listen to a sermon? What is it like for you to interact with church leadership? Have any verses caused you hurt or confusion? Which ones? Do some Christians feel safer to you than others do? Why? Have you struggled to pray? What is that like for you?  Jesus's Gentleness Jesus deals gently with his overburdened people, and he himself is burdened by his people's suffering. He deals gently with the weak, as we see throughout the Gospels-in fact, he states outright, "I am gentle" (Matt. 11:29). He shows that he is a different sort of master-one who is not demanding or disappointed. He is a burden lifter. 1 Leading victims of spiritual abuse to see the gentleness of Jesus helps to restore their understanding of him. Chances are, they have a distorted view of Jesus and the heart he has for them. Showing them the gentleness of Jesus will encourage them to have a foundationally different encounter with the Lord than they have had before-one that will encapsulate the gospel correctly and beautifully and put the heart that the Lord has for them on clear display. Here is a glimpse of Jesus's gentleness: as he is on the cross in his darkest hour-facing death, prolonged physical pain, and separation from God-his focus is on the people around him. He sees his mother and asks John to care for her. He shows concern for those who are responsible for his death, uttering, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Spend some time examining Jesus's behavior in the following passages: He tenderly embraces the children in Matthew 19:13-15. He weeps over the death of his friend in John 11:35 as he tends to Mary. Matthew 12:20 states that he will not break a bruised reed. He draws the Samaritan woman out in John 4:1-42 and gently offers her the gift of life. The Gospels offer these moments that show us a gentle Savior, if we