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1 Is It Abuse? Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. (Luke 12:2) Addison was a regular at women's Bible studies and social gatherings. God gifted her with hospi...

1 Is It Abuse? Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. (Luke 12:2) Addison was a regular at women's Bible studies and social gatherings. God gifted her with hospitality, and she possessed a deep hunger for Jesus and his Word. Yet after her first child was born, her involvement in women's ministry activities dwindled-then came to a complete halt. One Sunday morning, I managed to catch Addison for a few minutes and asked her how she was adjusting to motherhood. When I said that I had missed seeing her, she made a joke about how long it would be before she returned to Bible study. Although I could have put this down to the side effects of the normal feelings of a new mother, something struck me about what she said. I asked her if she was saying that because she was overwhelmed or if someone had hurt her. Her eyes filled with tears. "Things are just hard at home, and I have to make my marriage my priority." That statement could have meant anything. But Addison's tear-filled eyes betrayed the intensity of her emotion. Her husband came up to her, and they quickly left the building. Seeing Addison's heartache, I naturally wanted to check in with her again; but in the weeks that followed, her family always left as soon as the church service was over, leaving me no opportunity to connect with her. I asked if we could meet up to chat, but Addison said that things were tight financially and that she couldn't make it out. Many months passed during which we exchanged only simple greetings. About a year later, Addison came up to me and asked if she could ask me a personal question. Was my husband ever jealous of our children? A few years earlier, I might have said no-and made a joke about my husband liking the cleaner version of the house that we'd had pre-kids. But my previous interactions with oppressed women led me to respond much more carefully. I have learned that abused women tend to ask somewhat veiled questions as they try to figure out if what they are experiencing is normal and if you are a safe person to talk to. My ears perked up at her question. "Why are you asking?" I said. "Do you think your husband is jealous? What does he do to make you think that?"  And the stories began to flow. Addison shared with me how her husband would get angry with her if she tended to her crying child when they were having a conversation. He would be silent for days if she showed her child affection. He would often say, "Ever since the baby was born, you have a heart of stone for me! You only married me because you wanted children." He became so upset with how much time it took her to tend to a small child that he did not allow her to come to our Bible study or see her family. If she had extra energy or time, it was his. She owed him, and he made it clear what he wanted her to do. Addison's theory was that he was jealous of her delight in their child-but she could not understand why. She questioned whether she loved her husband enough. Why would loving their child make him so angry? Was this normal? What was she doing wrong? But I was left wondering, "Is it abuse?" God's Design for Marriage The opening pages of Scripture tell us that God knew it was not good for man to be alone, so he created Eve to have spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy with Adam. This tells us that companionship was integral to God's design for marriage from the start. He created marriage to be a means for a husband and wife to help each other become the people God designed them to be. And what's more, our covenants with our spouses are intended to be a glorious reflection of Christ's covenant with his bride-the church (see Eph. 5). In order to understand how God calls spouses to relate to each other, we look at how Christ loves the church. His love for his church is self-sacrificial, faithful, purifying, honest, and sanctifying. He treats her with honor and has served her at a high personal cost. In fact, his love for her is characterized by humility and service. Paul says that we are to have that same kind of humble, sacrificial mindset. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant. (Phil. 2:3-7) Tim Keller reminds spouses that "we are not to live for ourselves but for the other. And that is the hardest yet single most important function of being a husband or a wife." 1 God calls us to love our spouses for their good and God's glory. After all, that is the way that Jesus loved us-his bride. This is difficult to do. Even with the sanctifying help of the Holy Spirit, we act selfishly. Yet we are sanctified in our marriages as we seek to highlight Jesus's sacrificial love for our spouses. Much could be said here about how to help and fortify good marriages-and even lousy ones. But there is already a sea of valuable resources that are available to Christians. What I want to focus on here is how abuse in particular corrupts the covenant of marriage. Certainly we all need to be continually reminded that marriage is not a place where we look to fulfill our own desires (whether emotional, physical, or spiritual) but a relationship in which we are called to love and serve our spouses so that they and we both help each other to better love and image God. But oppressors, we will learn, specialize in breaking the marriage covenant along these self-serving dimensions, which does a tremendous amount of damage to their marriages and their victims. REFLECT 1. 1. Motivated and fueled by his sacrificial love for us, Jesus died to his own interests and looked to our needs and interests (see Rom. 15:1-3). Consider how this has deepened your intimacy with him. 2. 2. How have you seen your relationships deepen when you have acted sacrificially and for the benefit of the sanctification of others? 3. 3. Our sin always distorts God's good design. How have you seen your selfishness harm people whom you love? What Is Domestic Abuse? Knowing God's intention for marriage allows us to see just how much it has been corrupted when oppression is present. Oppression is the opposite of God's design for marriage. Abuse occurs in a marriage when one spouse pursues their own self-interests by seeking to control and dominate the other through a pattern of coercive, controlling, and punishing behaviors. This controlling pattern of behavior is commonly called domestic abuse or domestic violence. I like to use the term oppression, since it provides a framework for this behavior that is addressed in Scripture and captures the domination that it involves. No matter what form oppression takes, its intended outcome is the same: to punish and wound a victim so that an oppressor gets their world the way they want it. An oppressor's behavior says, "Serve me or suffer the consequences!" We will look at the biblical roots for this type of brutal idolatry in chapter 3, but for now we are already getting a sense that oppression stands in stark contrast to Jesus's self- sacrificing love. Abuse exists on a spectrum. While the underlying attitude of all oppressors is the same, no two cases of oppression are the same. Some oppressors delight in bringing harm, while some remain unaware of their life-choking entitlements. 2 All oppression is a grave sin-some abusive tactics may be more or less severe than others, but they are all destructive and dishonoring to victims and to God. There is no place for oppression in a marriage. Assessing for Abuse Assessing for abuse involves many layers of complexity. Our goal is to identify whether entire marriages are abusive, based on whether coercive control is the ruling force within them. This is not as simple as breaking them down to individual behaviors and labeling each one by saying "This is abuse" or "This isn't abuse"-the process is much more complicated than that! Let's contrast two ways of thinking about abuse. Labeling Behaviors as Abusive or Non-Abusive Sometimes focusing on behaviors can be an effective way to assess extreme or brutal instances of abuse. If someone is choking or beating his spouse, does it really matter how many times he does it or why? Certain behaviors, such as rape or strangulation, cross a line that allows us to easily identify them as evil and abusive. They get our attention right away. We know that we need to do something about them. However, people differ on whether some specific actions should be classified as abusive or not. For example, is it abusive to drive recklessly with your spouse in the car? Some of us may chalk reckless driving up to an attitude of impatience or immaturity-others to a controlling tirade. To discern whether behavior like this is abuse, we would have to know more about both the incident and the context of the relationship in which it took place. Was it done in order to frighten and control? Did scaring the passenger accomplish something, such as getting out of a trip to the in-laws'? Does this behavior fit into a larger pattern of intimidation or cruelty? We cannot detach behaviors from the heart that perpetrates them. Realizing this usually leads us to make judgments using the second method. Assessing for Coercive Control Most often, when we encounter abuse, it is subtle. Any one instance or occurrence of most behaviors can be explained away or dismissed. To answer the question "Is it abuse?" we need to determine whether such an event is part of a much broader system of oppression. The chapters ahead will teach you to be alert for patterns of coercion so that you can assess for oppression with the whole context of a relationship in mind. Say, for example, that a woman reports that her husband has been ignoring her. To determine whether the husband is being inattentive or abusive, you need to consider many things. Was this a punishment? If so, for what? How often does this occur? For how long? Does it accomplish something for the husband? What is its effect on the wife? How does it change the wife's future behavior? Can the wife express how this is hurting her without receiving further punishment? Who repairs the relationship after this happens, and why? Does the husband display true repentance and a recognition that this this behavior is wrong? Do you see how we must go deeper-must look at the heart of the husband and the impact of his behavior on the wife? In the chapters that follow, you will learn not just how to discern instances of abuse but how to identify marriages in which coercive control is the ruling force. In chapter 3, we will learn about the heart that seeks domination and control. In chapter 4, we will see the effects that enslaving and dominating behaviors have on the life and heart of the oppressed. In the second half of the book, we will get into the specifics of the various types of abuse and consider the different behaviors and punishments that abusers of each type employ in order to get their way. As we assess marriages for abuse, we must be accurate and careful. Labeling something as abuse when it is not will do damage of a different kind -not only to the people involved but also to the women we encounter after them who truly are being abused. If I were to mistakenly label a lousy marriage between a couple in a church as an abusive one, the next time I had to help an oppressed woman come forward in that church, it would take more time for others to believe her-time that she might not have. Further, potential helpers might treat her more suspiciously when she desperately needs their support. Much is at stake, so I urge you to take great care before labeling something as abuse. It is wise to go slow and compile stories and examples of power and control. I designed this book not just to help you to grow in discernment but also to provide you with questions that will extract the critical information you need in order to make careful and accurate assessments. You will serve both a victim and her church well when you can communicate a clear, full, and accurate picture of her marriage. The Oppressed Are in Our Churches Consider whom God has placed in your life. Who is sitting next to you in your small group or nervously quiet beside you at a women's Bible study? God has placed particular people in your path because he wants you to be his hands and feet. He wants you to represent the heart he has for their tender, wounded souls. God calls us to see specific sufferers. Whom is he drawing you to? We may be overwhelmed by or detached from statistics that show the pervasive nature of this problem. Or perhaps you are reading this book because you are concerned for a particular person. If your interest in this topic is more general, however, I suggest asking God to help you to see whom he is directing you toward as you keep reading. We are called to help particular people-and that is a grounding reality. Shock of Statistics There are many-too many-domestic abuse victims sitting in our pews. The statistics are alarming. Research from the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control's Division of Violence Prevention shows that one in four women experience severe physical violence from an intimate partner. 3 While men can be victims of abuse as well, the majority of victims-85 percent-are women. 4 And sadly, that statistic does not change within the walls of the church-even the evangelical church. Religious leaders who were surveyed in one study believed that one in five of the couples in their congregations were violent, and 9.3 percent of the surveyed pastors had counseled five or more abused women during the previous year alone. 5 Since the statistics are the same inside our churches as outside them, we can figure that in a church that has a hundred and sixty women, forty women will have experienced some sort of physical abuse in their lives and twenty women will currently be experiencing physical abuse. If we consider emotional abuse, the number of victims climbs. This means that most likely each of us has perpetrators and victims in our midst. 6 While these statistics are hard to believe, they are essential for us to acknowledge. When I first considered the statistics, they shocked me. Then I thought about the cases in my own church that I am aware of, and sadly the numbers rang very true. Even if we cut these statistics in half to accommodate our disbelief, the numbers would remain staggering-even disturbing-and our call to help would remain unchanged. Scripture's Call God asks his people repeatedly in Scripture to work for justice and righteousness. Psalm 82 is one such instance. Notice how God urgently challenges his people by asking them how long they will continue to rule in favor of the wicked: "How long will you judge unjustly and show partiality to the wicked?" (v. 2). This is quite an indictment. In order to work for justice and judge justly and impartially, we first must notice the transgressors. Abuse is often hidden from our sight, so part of acting justly means learning to fine- tune our perception of who is doing wicked things. But God is not merely concerned with accurate judgement for those who do wrong. His interest in justice goes beyond judging perpetrators. He asks us to intervene on behalf of the afflicted as well. Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked. (vv. 3-4) God imparts to us clear and direct commands: give justice, maintain rights, rescue, and deliver. These are not small things he is asking us to do. He is imploring us, as his people, to help rescue the weak and oppressed. The chapters ahead will help you to answer that call.  Do you desire, as the Lord does, to see the church become a refuge for the abused-a place where they can confidently seek help and get wise and protective counsel? Victims should not be left without help and hope because we fail to see the unseen or do not know what to do. God calls us not only to confront oppression but also to provide protection and care for the vulnerable. We see Jesus doing these things. He identifies with the powerless, takes up their cause, and stands against those who do harm to the vulnerable. As the body of Christ, we simply cannot allow abuse to go unaddressed in our midst. We must be deliverers and protectors. Scriptural Wisdom and Soul Shaping This book is needed not merely because of the prevalence of abuse but because of its complexity. Abuse is overwhelming-not just for the victim but also for the helper. There is so much to consider regarding how to assess it and how to provide care and safety, and we tend to fear getting involved in another person's marriage, encountering evil, feeling helpless, or being out of our depth. I can almost guarantee that all this will happen when you enter the life of the oppressed, and I want you to be able to love well and to enter with confidence while carrying the precious truths of Scripture to guide you (see Heb. 4:16)-so this book draws wisdom directly from Scripture and seeks to make it actionable. Abuse ministry is also soul shaping. My specific prayer has been that the coming chapters will not just give you information about abuse and what to do but will go even further by shaping your heart to better reflect Jesus as you minister to the oppressed. REFLECT 1. 1. Think about the size of your church. For every hundred people in your church, there are likely to be five women who are experiencing physical abuse and twenty who are emotionally abused. How many cases may there be in your church? 2. 2. How many stories of abuse in your own church are you aware of or do you suspect? 3. 3. How do you feel the Lord tugging at your heart as you think about his heart for the vulnerable and his call to justice? An Overview of Those Who Are Involved  In this book, we will examine the different roles that God, helpers, oppressors, and the oppressed play in situations of abuse. I want to introduce these key players to you as we get started. God The Bible has much to say about God's heart for victims of oppression. Early on, he introduces himself to his enslaved people as their deliverer and protector (see Ex. 3:7-10). Their oppression moves him to orchestrate their rescue from harsh slavery in Egypt. God continues to denounce oppression all throughout Scripture, such as when he says, "Woe to those who devise wickedness and work evil on their beds! When the morning dawns, they perform it, because it is in the power of their hand" (Mic. 2:1). God stands against all forms of oppression (see Pss. 12:5; 34:21; Prov. 6:12-16; Isa. 10:1- 3; Jer. 50:33-34)-and we will see that he is particularly concerned when oppression occurs within the covenant of marriage. As God incarnate, Jesus identifies with the powerless and takes up their cause, as well as standing against those who harm the vulnerable. Describing his calling, Jesus says, "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed" (Luke 4:18). God has also gifted us the Holy Spirit to be our helper. He is a source of wisdom and power, and he will guide us to truth. We can pray for him to convict oppressors and can be confident that he will comfort the oppressed. We rely on him for much as we seek to help victims. God is a protector of the vulnerable. He delivers us not only from our own brokenness and sin but also from injustice-from the sins of others. He knows our suffering, and he is moved to act. REFLECT Jesus's words in Luke 4:18 come at the beginning of his public ministry. Consider the individuals who were on his heart. This should be a deep encouragement-not just for you, as you enter this ministry, but also for the oppressed. The Helpers  God calls us to see the broken and the vulnerable among us. Even more than that, he calls us to tend to them and protect them, just as he sent his Son to do. If you are drawn to this book, it is most likely because someone whom you love is suffering. Your heart is burdened for hers. You might be a friend or a family member whose concern for her is deeply personal. Perhaps you are a pastor or a counselor or you work in women's ministry, and you want to know how you and your church can support the oppressed in their suffering. God uses many different people who are in various roles to care for his vulnerable sheep. No matter your role, you want to help-but you feel the weightiness of getting it right. You might even feel overwhelmed when you think about where to start or feel uncertain regarding how to think about an abusive marriage biblically. You are entering a critical role, and the stakes are high. I want to help you to navigate the deep and turbulent waters ahead. If you serve in a more formal capacity, you will be able to provide direct care or formal counseling. Chances are that a victim will rely on your understanding of abuse and will trust your counsel, so it is vital for you to gain expertise. Victims also greatly benefit from the involvement of their churches, informed friends, and family members who know how to support them. I cannot say enough about the vital role that wise friends play as they help the oppressed to understand and organize their stories. When sufferers share their stories with you, you support the emergence of their personhood. This is a glorious role to play in their lives. Friends can also serve as conduits that lead victims to others who can provide more formal help or that, when needed, urge them to connect with trained people who can work toward establishing their safety. As friends love well, they reinforce the work of pastors and counselors. The time that a counselee spends in my office is significantly reduced when her church community wisely cares for her. Each helper role is critical, and many different types of helpers can make use of the material in this book-and can even share it with one another to help develop a unified community of care for a victim. Different types of helpers might even come together to form a care team. A care team works toward one main goal: protecting a victim. There are people with specialized abuse training who can be enlisted for this team, such as shelter workers, victim advocates, counselors, and batterer intervention specialists (see appendix F for more information on this). While the team's main goal will be to focus on a victim's care, as we said above, it should also help the perpetrator to turn from his sin and cease doing harm, as a dimension of fulfilling that goal. It would be natural for a church to be involved in the building of this team, since a church should easily be able to align itself with the team's goals as part of its commitment to care for the vulnerable and stand against sin. Churches also have resources that can help with victims' practical needs as well as rich biblical truths that they need. One fundamental truth we as helpers need to know is that we cannot solve oppression, and we cannot make it stop. But we can be used by a powerful God-a God who loves his people and is always on the side of the oppressed. As we enter the lives of the oppressed, we must faithfully pray-must seek the Lord's wisdom and ask him to reveal what we need to know and see in order to help. Things are rarely the way that they outwardly appear. But we need not fear, because the Lord promises to be our guide and our help. Amid this challenging ministry, I encourage you to slow down and see the things that God brings to your attention. REFLECT Begin asking for God to grow your wisdom and your dependence on him. Pray that he would prepare your heart to be changed so that you can love the oppressed the way that Jesus loves them. The Oppressor It is essential to understand up front that oppressors are deceptive and are usually masters at disguising what they are doing. Often their own spouses fail to recognize that what is being done to them is abusive. And not only do abusers deceive others, but they also deceive themselves-which makes it difficult to know how to weigh their words (see Prov. 21:2; Jer. 17:9-10). This is disorienting for everyone. When we are trying to detect abuse, we cannot rely upon outward appearances or what think we know about someone. We also need to be aware of how prideful an oppressor's heart is. Psalm 10 zeros in on the heart of one who seeks to do wicked things. His pride causes him to speak as one who does not believe that the Lord will hold him accountable. He says in his heart, "I shall not be moved; throughout all generations I shall not meet adversity." His mouth is filled with cursing and deceit and oppression; under his tongue are mischief and iniquity. (vv. 6--7) The description of how this man spews vile words, lies, threats, and destruction shows us how prideful and unruly oppressors are. What complicates matters is that our culture has bought into varying myths about why men abuse. We cannot rely on what we think we know about abuse. Here are some common excuses that you may have heard for why a man might abuse: He was abused as a child. It's just the liquor talking. He can't control his anger. He can't communicate and express emotions. He was hurt by his last girlfriend and now fears intimacy. He's so in love that he's afraid he will lose her. Each of these excuses casts the abuser as being helpless. They imply that his abusive behaviors are reactive-that he is out of control. Nothing can be further from the truth. Oppressors are not out of control; they seek control. Oppressors are driven by their selfishness and their desire to dominate their spouses. What they do always accomplishes something for them. Their bad behaviors benefit them. If a wife is abused when she asks for help around the house, she learns to stop asking for help. Oppressors do not oppress because they are wounded or weak; they wound so that they can make their world the way that they want it. As we will see in chapter 3, understanding an abuser's entitled mentality is essential if we are to provide wise care and counsel. REFLECT Are you aware of your own presuppositions about abuse? Now is a good time to write them down. 1. 1. Why do you think that men abuse their wives? 2. 2. Have you had any experiences with abusive men? What do you believe motivated their behavior? The Oppressed When you are abused by your spouse, you know that something is terribly wrong but may be unsure what it is-just as Addison was. You've done everything you can, and read every book on marriage you can find, in an attempt to understand how you can fix your relationship. But things keep getting worse. Nothing helps. You live in constant tension, fearful of your spouse's anger and wondering what you are doing wrong. You have tried so many ways to maintain the peace that you are exhausted; yet you don't stop attempting to please your spouse. Nothing works. No one around you sees what is happening. You aren't even sure what is happening. You cannot put into words what it is like to live in your home. Nothing seems to capture it. You sit with many unanswered questions: Why can't I fix this? Is it really that bad? Am I just oversensitive? Am I overreacting? Is it my fault? What did I do to deserve this? Why hasn't God helped me? Nothing stops the self- condemnation. Your perception of reality becomes disoriented. Your constant uncertainty feeds your growing confusion and fear. Your heart and body ache, and you long for clarity and guidance. Where can you turn for help? Who would even believe you? Others look at you and see a depressed, anxious person. No one sees what is really happening. When you go to others for marital advice or prayer support, their advice does not solve the problem-and what's more, it leaves you feeling broken and exposed. Chances are that those you have reached out to for help have not understood the extent of your suffering and have wounded you further with judgment or misguided advice. You do not know who to trust. You fear that people will bring you more harm than help. No one feels safe to you. If you could disappear, you would. You feel trapped and hopeless-not to mention guilty for feeling this way about your marriage. After all you have read, you believe that godly women have good marriages and that they respect and delight in their husbands. Nothing could be less true of you. REFLECT 1. David describes an experience that is similar to what oppressed spouses feel when he recounts the deliverance he received from his  enemies: For the waves of death encompassed me, the torrents of destruction assailed me; the cords of Sheol entangled me; the snares of death confronted me. (2 Sam. 22:5-6) Meditate on this imagery of being relentlessly trapped under waves and torrents of water-ensnared and strangled. Consider what it would be like to live like this day after day. 2. If this were your reality, how would you seek to identify a trustworthy helper? Patient and Prayerful Pursuit During the conversations that I had with Addison, which we saw at the start of this chapter, my experience with other abused women led me to pick up on the subtle cues that she was displaying. Addison was increasingly isolated and anxious and was working overtime to be a good wife. By simply slowing down and asking her a well-placed question-"Why are you asking that?"-I gave Addison the space and support to tell me more about what was occurring in her home. I would have missed what was happening in her life if I had not asked for more information before I answered her initial question. Many victims, like Addison, know that something is not right. They need people who will carefully listen to them and draw out their stories. Slowly, Addison began sharing more stories with me, as I continued to check in with her from time to time. Some weeks she felt guilty for speaking ill of her husband; other times she believed she was being oversensitive and unfair. But as we continued to talk, I was able to gently reflect back to her the seriousness and pervasiveness of her husband's cruelty and control. At last she did not feel crazy and was able to articulate that there was a problem and that she desired help. I could tell that praying for her to gain clarity and wisdom was a profound encouragement to her, and so we prayed together for this for many months. She would share stories with me; I would affirm the gravity of what she was enduring. Then, together, we would ask the Lord to guide her. It took about eighteen months, but eventually she was able to speak to her pastor (with me present) and ask for help with her marriage. Thankfully, the Lord had placed her in a church that understood abuse and responded well. She began to receive excellent care immediately. 7 As we pursue victims to try to help them, we must remember to be patient and careful. We should lean in and ask for more information when we sense that abuse may be present and should slow down and take the time to learn more about a woman and about her story. We may be tempted to speak into her world-but first we need to learn what her world is like. Remember that, like Addison, victims are not always able to provide us with accurate assessments of their problems. We can help them by carefully pursuing important details about their situations and gathering enough stories to make an accurate judgment about them. And remember that it takes time for victims to trust us as well as to recognize that they are being abused. I find that it takes a number of months, if not longer than a year, before most victims whom I work with are ready to take substantial steps to address their oppression. So as each of us get started working with the oppressed, we must be prepared to move slowly and prayerfully. REFLECT 1. 1. Meditate on Ephesians 4:1-2: "Walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love." How might this call for us to be humble, gentle, and patient be particularly important when we are ministering to the oppressed? 2. 2. Considering what you know about yourself, how might you be tempted to do the following things when you are working with a victim? Make assumptions based on what you know Be insensitive about her story Be impatient with the long process of victim care 3. 3. Confess these things to the Lord and ask him to help to reshape your heart for the journey ahead.  What God Says about Oppression Victims need to hear about the heart God has for them and how he stands against the things that are happening to them. The oppressed need true and lasting comfort. It is paramount that you share with victims what God says about oppression. I wrote this next section 8 so that you can share it directly with victims. I want you to read it now and then tuck it away to use later. It speaks directly to the oppressed and addresses the concerns of their hearts. I have found that the hearts of victims are often further burdened by bad teaching. If we want them to connect to God and to bring their questions to him, it is essential for us to help them to know what his Word actually says about them and their plight. When the time is right, you might choose to read this section to a victim or recount these truths for her-but you should do so while seeking to understand what she currently believes and should pray together with her that these truths will take root. The Abuse Is Not Your Fault Abusive behaviors are inexcusable. They are not the result of your words, actions, or inactions. Nothing that you have done could make you deserve or be responsible for abusive treatment-nothing ever. Jesus says, What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person. (Mark 7:20-23) Your oppressor will blame you for his anger and rage. But Jesus says that these abusive actions come from within him. Husbands will say, "My wife provoked me." But God says that the opposite is true. Abusive acts flow from an oppressor's heart, choices, and deliberate actions. Oppressors want their wives to feel responsible for their sins so that they can use fear and guilt to control them. But God says it is not your fault-not ever. We cannot make or cause someone else to sin. We all fail and disappoint our spouses at times, but there are plenty of healthy ways that they can express their hurt. There is no justification for abuse-ever!  No One Deserves to Be Treated Unjustly Oppressors hurl accusations at their victims. Hearing these relentless attacks can make you believe that you deserve heinous treatment. You may think about your failures and conclude, "I haven't been a faithful Christian, so this is God's way of rebuking me"; "When I was younger I fell into sin, and I'm paying for it now"; or "If I were a better spouse, God would not need to punish me in this way." These thoughts might leave you believing that you deserve the abuse that is happening to you. However, there is nothing that you could have done to justify oppression. Everything about oppression is unjust. When we are suffering, our hearts cry out to understand why something bad is happening to us. Sometimes we turn inward and search ourselves, asking, "What did I do to deserve this?" We may think that God is punishing us. But this thinking is false, because it fails to account for God's grace. Our merit, past or present, does not determine God's love and care for us. His love is for the unlovely and the broken. When we belong to Jesus, the grace we receive is based solely on what Jesus has done. Jesus's work is complete, and so we are forgiven-completely. In fact, God says, "I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more" (Heb. 10:17; cf. Jer. 31:34). If God does not remember your sins and failings, why would he punish you for them? Jesus himself took on the punishment for all our sins on the cross. He lovingly and willingly substituted himself so that our sins are forgiven and we can be reconciled to God. God's desire is not to punish us but to woo us to himself. He longs to lavish his loving grace on us-flaws and all (see Gal. 2:20). God Hates Violence God is not silent on the issue of violence. Passages such as Psalm 11 describe his hatred of violent people. People are made in God's image, and being brutal to them desecrates that image (see Gen. 9:6)-and so God does not hide his disdain for violence. Being married does not mean that a wife needs to stay with a violent husband. It is not a sin to get away from danger. Nothing in Scripture says that anyone needs to remain in a dangerous situation. Oppression Violates God's Design for Marriage  God designed marriage to be a place of mutual trust, sacrifice, care, and honesty. It is supposed to be a reflection of the way that Jesus loves his church-a relationship that is characterized by sacrifice (see Gen. 2:23-24; Eph. 5:25, 28-30). Oppressive people make it a place of domination. They have an inflated sense of self-worth and feel that they are owed preferential treatment and unwavering allegiance. They use manipulation and unrelenting pressure to get their needs met. When others fail them, they retaliate. Oppressors are willing to wound others in order to preserve their positions of power. This is not what God intends for any marriage. Victims often think, "So what? I'm married, so this is what I have to put up with" or "God hates divorce, so this is my reality!" But we are not called to submit to and accept rampant destructive behavior. In fact, the opposite is true. We are supposed to help our spouses to know, serve, love, and be more like Jesus (see Col. 3:12-16; 1 Thess. 5:14). That means limiting their ability to sin against us. Sometimes a separation is the only way for this to happen. When abuse is present, wives should resist domination and, if it is safe for them to do so, expose their husbands' sin (see Eph. 5:11-14). This is an act of grace for their husbands. God Sees Your Suffering Oppression is isolating. It can feel like no one, not even God, sees or cares about what is happening to you. The psalmist cries out, "You are the God in whom I take refuge; why have you rejected me? Why do I go about mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?" (Ps. 43:2). The teacher in Ecclesiastes puts it this way: "Again I saw all the oppressions that are done under the sun. And behold, the tears of the oppressed, and they had no one to comfort them! On the side of their oppressors there was power, and there was no one to comfort them" (Eccl. 4:1). It is natural for you to wonder if God sees or cares about your suffering. Yet Jesus not only sees but also understands your distress, because he too experienced suffering and oppression. "He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.... He was oppressed, and he was afflicted" (Isa. 53:3, 7). God Desires to Rescue You When God talks about oppression, he also talks about rescuing his people: "I will rescue my flock; they shall no longer be a prey" (Ezek. 34:22). God links oppression and rescue together. When he looks on oppression, he desires to deliver his people from it. He says, "I have surely seen the affliction of my people... and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters. I know their sufferings, and I have come down to deliver them" (Ex. 3:7-8). Jesus says he was sent "to proclaim liberty to the captives... to set at liberty those who are oppressed" (Luke 4:18). God encourages you to cry out to him for deliverance, as the psalmist did: "Deliver me, 0 L0RD, from evil men; preserve me from violent men" (Ps. 140:1). 9 REFLECT 1. 1. Scripture is clear when it talks about each of us being responsible for our own sin. In short, we cannot make another person sin. Why do we struggle to believe this? 2. 2. Why might we be tempted to believe that abuse is a punishment? How should remembering the way God has dealt with our sins by sending his Son to redeem us change how we think? 3. 3. How does it give you hope to be reminded that God sees the oppressed? That he desires their rescue?  2 The Helper's Calling Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another. (Col. 3:12-13) Walking with the oppressed is usually a slow and deliberate journey-one that cannot be rushed. We have to give much of ourselves so that others can find freedom. This chapter will help to prepare you for doing so. As you read through it, start praying even now that God would help you in this endeavor by filling you with tender compassion. I did not get involved with abuse ministry because it was an area of interest. It found me. I was not ready, nor was I trained, to think about how to care for oppressive marriages and the people who are trapped in them. But God kept sending me his precious daughters. One after the other, each came to me with a devastating story to tell. I was often at a loss regarding how to help-or what I could even say to someone who day after day faced unrelenting abuse. As I sought guidance in the Word and through prayer, God kept showing me that it was not enough for me to know what to do or what truths to speak. If I was going to be effective, I also needed God to shape my heart as well as the way I cared for victims. I have grown to realize that the oppressed learn about the heart God has for them both experientially and propositionally- through both relational care and theological knowledge, as precious truths of Scripture are delivered through the warm words of a friend. If we are going to offer the help and truth that victims desperately need, we need to display Jesus's heart for them. Jesus did not just share his teaching without having compassion for people, nor did he give them empathy that was devoid of truth. Both are essential. So, before we dive deeper into understanding abuse, we will think together about our calling to care well for the abused. Jesus's Compassion As Jesus walked among us, the care he had for broken people was characterized by tenderness and mercy. He healed the sick, restored sight to the blind, and spoke hopeful words to the fearful. He offered suffering people his time and personal care. The oppressed need us to do similar things-to tend to their wounds, open their eyes, and help them to find hope and safety. This is where Jesus can serve as a guide for us. Many times the Gospels say that Jesus had compassion for people. In Matthew 9:35-36, we see that Jesus was "proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." It broke his heart to see people hurting, and his compassion moved him toward them. Jesus's compassion always caused him to act-whether by healing, feeding, or providing, or by calling others to help. If we slow down and look carefully at his demeanor in passages that describe him doing this, we see a gentle Savior. For instance, in Luke 7, we see that a widow was at the gates of Nain as her son's body was being carried out. He was her only son, and his death left her desolate. And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her and said to her, "Do not weep." Then he came up and touched the bier [the bed of the dead], and the bearers stood still. And he said, "Young man, I say to you, arise." (vv. 13-14) By telling her to stop weeping, Jesus was really saying, "I am here to help you." And, without being asked, he revived her son. Without fear of being defiled by touching the dead, he moved in to help. Jesus sympathizes with the tears of his people. And his compassion goes beyond feeling empathy; out of love, he also acts. Good teaching is essential, but Jesus did not just speak fundamental truths to hurting people. He also came near to the brokenhearted, sat with them, wept with them, and heard their hearts. And he did it all with tenderness. There is no more excellent picture of this than his incarnation. Jesus did not save us from afar. He gave up all the comforts of heavenly life and took upon himself our stature and our sorrows. His love for us compelled him to come near and to enter our world and our brokenness. The next time you read the Gospels, notice other places where Jesus's gentleness is on display as he cares for the brokenhearted. What are some ways we can display his tenderness when we are sitting with a shattered soul? We need to think carefully about how we can best demonstrate God's love and not just speak about it. Oppressors are masters at using words and at telling their victims how to think. We need to be radically different. We want to lead people to see the love that God has for them. We desire for them to encounter truths that will resonate with their experience and their suffering. This requires that we listen well before we speak. That we offer gentle words that invite them into God's story for their lives. That we take our time and entrust them to the Lord. We want an exchange to happen between two people who are both in need of a Savior. The oppressed need humble helpers who display Jesus's heart. REFLECT If tasked with moving a person who had a broken leg from their house to a car, you would take great care to plan things out. You would think about how to support their weight, where you could safely hold them, how you could support the injured leg without causing more pain, and how quickly you should move with them. Likewise, while most of the wounds that oppressed people have are invisible, it is helpful to conceptualize the oppressed as being incredibly injured and tender. Thinking this way can help you to shape your approach to interacting with them. 1. 1. What are some concrete ways that you might display compassion for those who are oppressed? 2. 2. Spend a moment thinking about how you want a victim to experience your physical presence and receive your words. What are some deliberate ways that you can adapt your demeanor to accomplish this? Learning from Jesus We will discuss how to help the oppressed later in this chapter. But first we will focus on the way in which Jesus calls us to approach the afflicted. The best place to start is to spend some time looking deeper into how Jesus approaches us-his weak and needy people (see Rom. 5:6). Jesus Made Himself Little For our benefit and to woo us to himself, Jesus gave up his power and majesty and humbled himself by taking the form of not only a human but an infant. He made himself little, thereby making it safe for us to come near to him. As a man, he was someone we could relate to-he took on our form, our struggles, and our suffering. When we sit with the oppressed, we need to make ourselves little as well. Our gestures, words, and expressions must be small. An oppressed wife does not need to hear our opinions or to be told what to do. Remember that her oppressor tells her what to do and how to think. We must take a different stance-one of listening to her and restoring her ability to make choices. We see Jesus coming alongside the broken many times. He does not lecture the weak. For instance, he handles Martha and Mary very differently after Lazarus's death (see John 11:21-37). Martha approaches him with an affirmation of his power and of her faith. Jesus speaks comforting truth to her, confirming that one day Lazarus will rise. But when Jesus sees Mary fallen at his feet and distraught over losing Lazarus, he simply asks her, "Where have you laid him?" and weeps as well. Jesus comes close to the hurting, connects with their pain, and is gentle with them. REFLECT Jesus knew that in Mary's moment of distress, the cries of her heart needed to be recognized and addressed. Her pain was raw and palpable. Even though Jesus knew deeper truths, he knew that Mary's heart was not in a place to hear them. He could have rushed to focusing on the resurrection, but he sat in the sadness and allowed his own eyes to fill with tears. We will learn more about speaking truths to sufferers as the book continues. For now, our focus is on our own hearts, attitude, and approach. Please consider these questions as a means of helping you to reflect on these aspects of yourself. 1. 1. Have you been tempted to rush a sufferer through their pain, out of a desire for them to quickly achieve peace or find a solution? What did you do? How did the sufferer respond? 2. 2. Why do you think we are all tempted to do this? 3. 3. How might you instead make yourself and your words little for the benefit of a victim? What truths might you need to restrain yourself from saying so that you can connect with where this person's heart is in the moment? Jesus Came Near to the Broken Jesus touched the sick and drank and dined with sinners-he was willing to make himself unclean (according to the customs of the day) in order to restore others. In this book, we will hear many details of horrors and learn about evil that we could never imagine. In a sense, we will become acquainted with vile and unclean things. It is tempting for us to shut people down as they are talking-to limit the information that they share so that we do not have to carry sickening details around with us. Yet Scripture does not shy away from grotesque details-and we can't either. Jesus knew how important it was for sufferers that he not seek to protect himself from or be repulsed by their stories or affliction. We see this in his interaction with the woman at the well in John 4 and with the lepers and others whom he healed. The oppressed women I work with often feel unworthy, unlovable, dirty, and defiled. We counter this by not fearing their stories-by wading into their shame. This is vital for their healing. Jesus drank from the cup that was offered to him by the women at the well; his fingers touched the leper as he healed him. Jesus did not show concern for himself; his actions were focused on making those who felt unworthy feel loved, known, and cared for. We need to sit and speak with people in ways that lift the unique shame that oppression brings. REFLECT 1. 1. Can you think of a time when you were sharing a vulnerable memory with someone and they redirected the conversation away from your pain? Subtly, this showed you that they did not want to hear your heart. How did that feel? 2. 2. Conversely, can you remember a time when someone loved you well just by listening to you? Why do you think that listening to victims tell their stories helps to lift the shame that comes with domestic abuse? Jesus Loved as a Servant Jesus is a compassionate Redeemer and a faithful ally of the oppressed. He instructs us not to abuse our power or mistreat the weak. To his own disciples he said, You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. (Mark 10:42-45)  Jesus knows that those who are in leadership positions face the temptation to lord their authority over those whom they are called to care for. We see this with husbands who oppress their wives. But here Jesus instructs his disciples to be different. We who are in Christ should long to serve those who are in our care. And we must be careful-oppressed people are vulnerable. Our care for them should have the essence of service. If you are a church leader, you show that Jesus's death and resurrection give birth to a different kind of people when you shepherd with tenderness and humility. Jesus's people are characterized not by domination but by an eagerness to serve (see 1 Peter 5:1-4). This is how Jesus calls you to shepherd-and doing so will help the oppressed to gain clarity on what real love looks like. REFLECT 1. 1. Oppressed people are used to being mistreated. How do you think this makes them vulnerable to those who misuse their authority? 2. 2. When church leaders minister to the oppressed with tenderness and humility, they testify to what God's people should look like. Why do you think this helps to restore the view that the oppressed have of God and his church? Jesus Was Wounded Jesus was no stranger to relationships that hurt. The people who were closest to him never quite got him. He had to explain his mission and purpose to his own disciples again and again. In the garden of Gethsemane, when he needed them the most and repeatedly asked them for prayer, his closest disciples fell asleep. Peter and Judas went on to betray him. Walking with the oppressed will cause you relational pain and conflict. Not everyone understands the evils of oppression or the dynamics that are at work within it. As you seek to advocate for victims, some fellow Christians may disappoint you and leave you hurt and confused. Whenever this happens, our posture must be the same as Jesus's. He continued to love-and we must proceed with love for the church and for those who do not understand oppression. We, like Jesus, must never tire of trying to teach others-even oppressors. We must remain gentle. We do not want to be defensive and hardhearted, as oppressors are. We do not want to interfere with the care that the oppressed receive by allowing our agendas and frustrations to keep a church from seeing oppression in its midst. And the most important thing we need to do for victims is to acknowledge the failings of ourselves and others, and the wounds that those failings create, in a way that has a redemptive impact on their relationship with Christ and his larger church. As you work with the oppressed, you will be wounded. You will be frustrated by other Christians. And how you handle this will point victims either to or away from the church-and Christ. Consider the picture of Jesus hanging on the cross and proclaiming, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34) to be an essential guide. We need to be humble and concerned for the hearts of those who do not get it. Pray, educate, and be willing to extend mercy to those who do not yet see. REFLECT 1. 1. How can you be proactive to educate your church about abuse as you care for victims-especially if you are enlisting the help of church leaders? 2. 2. Are there people who can support and encourage you when you feel discouraged by the response of other Christians? 3. 3. Are there key people whom you might start educating now-perhaps even by sharing this book with them-so that, when help is needed, there will be more unity in your church? Entering In We just looked at the compassion Jesus had and how he displayed it to the hurting. Depending on your role in a victim's life, there may be different ways for you to do this wisely. If the victim is someone close to you, it will probably be easy for you to be moved by her suffering. But you may wonder if your sense of urgency or personal distress over her suffering could hinder the victim's own process of gaining clarity. If you are addressing a situation as a pastor or counselor, you may worry whether it would be unprofessional to show how hearing a victim's story affects you. No matter your role, I want to help you to think through what victims need from you as you enter in to their stories. Listen The most important thing for us to do is simple: listen. Our initial goal is to draw out the story of the sufferer. How do we do that? By listening. We listen well when we feel something of what victims feel-when we suffer with them. Again, this is how Jesus does it. He is moved by what he hears. Like him, we must enter into a victim's confusion, fears, and frustrations. As we listen, the stories that she tells should change and move us. Scripture puts it simply: "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep" (Rom. 12:15). We worship God when we grow in our ability to rejoice in what he rejoices in and to weep over what grieves him. At the outset, ministering to the oppressed involves lots of weeping. Our hearts will be broken again and again if we really listen. Over time, we will begin to rejoice as we see God at work and see hearts being restored. Most of my counselees would say that my tears and my noticeable concern helped them the most initially. Hearing and seeing how their stories affected me enabled them to understand that what was happening to them was not only wrong but also worth grieving over. By being moved by their stories, I built trust with them while making a clear statement that what was happening to them was not okay. You will have your own unique way of displaying concern. Express to victims the effect that what they are sharing has on you. It is heartbreaking-and they should know that your heart breaks for them (see Col. 3:12). But be careful. A victim should not be left feeling that she has to comfort you or that her story is overwhelming you. Aim for a balance of showing that you are affected without placing the burden of emotions on her-we are the ones who are asking to bear victims' burdens (see Gal. 6:2). Allow Her to Express Her Emotions We must not be surprised if we see intensity as an oppressed wife connects more deeply with the wrongs she has suffered. We should not judge her for this. If, for example, a wife reveals details of her suffering colorfully and expressively, we must stay carefully attuned to the content of what she is saying. Trying to shape the way that she tells her story or attempting to sanitize her emotions may halt her cries for help. God hates how she was treated, and we should make room for her anger. Over time we can help her to shape her cries into laments, but we must not rush this. Sometimes an oppressed wife makes excuses for her husband's brutality- especially at first. Or she may take responsibility for the oppression. This may baffle us-but remember that she may have been deceived and manipulated into thinking that the abuse is her fault. As we help her to reframe her story, we do not expect her to see her spouse's behavior with the same clarity that we do. We must be patient as she oscillates between seeing her husband's domination of her and defending his actions. The guilt and responsibility that he has laid upon her for his sin or his happiness ensnare her. She is not responsible for her husband's sin, and we must help her to see this critical truth, but it will take time. Do not force her to see what you do. Help her to discover it with you. Make Room to Hear about Your Failings As we build good relationships with victims, they will feel more free to tell us when we hurt them inadvertently as we seek to help. Living under oppression often causes victims to be on high alert. Sometimes, from a place of fear, they overlay aspects of their relationship with their oppressor onto us. They might misperceive us as being judgmental or indifferent or even misinterpret our words. These misperceptions should not affect how we interpret their creditability. If anything, it should alert us to the damage that is being done to their person. As they share these observations with us, we should be encouraged. This is a sign that they are regaining their ability to speak-and that they trust us. Even if we have been misunderstood, it is imperative for us to be humble and to listen. As victims express their experiences with us, our goal is to hear them and interact with them in ways that encourage them to use their voices to build trust with healthy people. We must not defend ourselves or shame them for feeling the way that they do after all we have done and sacrificed for them. We should just listen. This has happened many times in my counseling room. One time a victim shared with me that she feared I would be disappointed with her if she did not leave her violent spouse. The week beforehand, I had spent time going over a safety plan with her, which was good and wise to do. However, she had misunderstood me and thought that if she were not ready to leave, I would think she was a failure. She feared I would stop seeing her after giving her a firm lecture. That had never been in my mind-but at that moment it was more important for me to validate how she had come away with that impression, how brave she must have been to come back and tell me that she was not ready to leave, and how thankful I was that she had shared with me how I had made her feel. My flesh wanted to say, "After three years, you should know I would never lecture you!" But there is no gentle way to say, "You should know me better and trust me more"-and doing so would have been shaming and destructive. I listened and learned some ways in which I might better communicate as I make safety plans with future victims. These conversations take time, and they can be painful-but they are vital. We may be the first person who genuinely, humbly repents and apologizes to a victim of abuse. Their spouses certainly do not care how their words and actions affect them. And because victim care is so complicated, we are bound to make mistakes and wound those whom we are trying to help. Keep in mind that engaging in these conversations and being willing to repent of our failures is restorative and showcases the gospel. Patiently Walk This Road with the Oppressed Just like freeing a tree from brambles, disentangling an oppressed wife from an abuser will take time, will be painful, and will need tending to over and over again. Never tire of bringing a victim truth and hope. As we begin the long walk with oppressed spouses, keep Hebrews 13:3 in mind: "Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body" (KJV). An oppressed spouse lives in bondage to a cruel master. When you minister to her, enter into her life and become aware of the intensity of her sufferings as if they were your own. She cannot afford for you to be detached or to underestimate the difficulty of her circumstances. God Tells Us to Rest I have just shared many ways in which God's Word compels you to act on behalf of the oppressed. But these do not encapsulate all that the Bible says about helping. Many compassionate people dive into abusive situations and forget that helpers are called to rest as well. But Jesus understands our humanity and our limitations. He walked this earth and has seen our exhaustion, our stress, and our weariness. In Mark 6, he addresses this: The apostles returned to Jesus and told him all that they had done and taught. And he said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat. (vv. 30-31) Our bodies are finite, and we must take care of them. It is significant that although Jesus sees the needs of the people around him, he also sees the need for those who are ministering to them to rest. Victim care is long-haul ministry, and we need to engage with it in ways that we can sustain. We can rest because we can trust that God is at work. From the foundations of creation, we have been instructed to take sabbath rest. Rest is possible for us only because we know that God is still at work on our and others' behalf. Listen as King Asa cries out to the Lord for help: "O LORD, there is none like you to help, between the mighty and the weak. Help us, O LORD our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this multitude. O LORD, you are our God; let not man prevail against you" (2 Chron. 14:11). King Asa is facing pressure; he is pleading with God. He knows who has to act if Israel is to be saved, and it isn't him. We can rest knowing that ultimately God is always at work for the good of his people (see Rom. 8:28). We will feel the same urgent need for the oppressed to be rescued as Asa did. But, like him, we have to minister to them while resting in the Lord's power and our finitude. REFLECT 1. 1. Which of these five ways of entering in to a victim's story feels the most challenging to you? 2. 2. How can the patient care that Jesus shows you help you to extend the same grace to a victim? 3. 3. How can you grow in your ability to entrust God's people to his love, power, and care? How might doing so help you to rest? In what ways might you be tempted to overextend yourself when you are working with the oppressed? Connecting Victims to God's Words To victims of oppression, God often feels far off. The intensity of their abuse leaves them feeling unheard and unhelped. We want people to know God's heart for them. As Christians who walk alongside the abused, we can serve as his hands and feet. We cannot let the focus of our interactions with them be on us; we need to feature Jesus. Jesus is the physical, flesh-and- blood evidence of God's love for us. The more the oppressed see of Jesus, the more God's love for them will set them free. It is crucial that we share with each victim what God has to say about the abuse she is enduring. She will need these truths to be repeated many times. The more examples you can bring her from Scripture that display the Lord's heart for the oppressed, the better. God will grant you opportunities to share these truths that will be vital for her healing as you draw out the details of her oppressive marriage. But sharing these truths without caring for a victim's heart, or before she feels that you know her, will yield little fruit. 1 Remember that this is about capturing a person's heart-relational ministry should not feel like an impersonal theology lesson. Slow down and seek to know her heart so that you will know which truths to speak to it. Pray for victims to internalize God's words about them, their abusers, and their suffering. The more a victim can receive God's good words, the more she will be able to do battle with the false and disorienting words of her oppressor. God's words are true, nourishing, and humanizing. They stand in great contrast to the false, destructive, and dehumanizing words her abuser repeatedly speaks to her. Think about ways you can help victims to see the disparity between how God speaks and their oppressors speak-and to see which words they should value. We can help a victim to reconnect to God by showing her that the very words of Scripture capture her experience. 2 Open to passages like Psalm 69: Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God. (vv. 1-3) Verses like these give voice to the depth of a victim's trouble while capturing her exhausted, unanswered cries for help. Lead her further through this psalm, to where its tone changes to one of hope as the psalmist's cries are shaped into pleas as he remembers who the Lord is. Answer me, O LORD, for your steadfast love is good; according to your abundant mercy, turn to me. Hide not your face from your servant,  for I am in distress; make haste to answer me. Draw near to my soul, redeem me; ransom me because of my enemies! (vv. 16-18) These hopeful cries form an expectation of deliverance-one that is based on the Lord's goodness and love. Continually remind oppressed people that the God of comfort and rescue is on their side. In the chapters ahead, as we look at different types of abuse, I will provide you with specific questions to ask sufferers. But before you dive in to doing so, you need to prepare your heart to be willing to be attentive to a victim's heart. This ministry is not just about helping; it is about being with people amid their pain. Remember that our heartfelt, tender, compassionate responses are what they need in order to see Jesus and heal. In the following chapter, we will consider how the trauma of domestic abuse changes victims. As we do so, we will see how much we too need to be changed in order to help victims and glorify God through our care for them. I know that this ministry has changed me-it has sanctified me and increased my dependence on the Lord. Loving the oppressed will mold you more and more into who you were created to be. This does not happen to people unless they are willing to be self-reflective, repentant, and humble-but what God does in the heart of each of his helpers is beautiful.  Prayer for Reflection and Growth As you prepare to walk with those who are oppressed, ask the Lord to shape your heart to be more like his. The Beatitudes in Matthew 5:2-11 provide a succinct list of attributes that we should desire to characterize us more and more as we care for the vulnerable. I have truncated them and made them part of a prayer for you. Blessed are the poor in spirit. Lord, help me to be more humble and able to listen and learn from the oppressed. Blessed are those who mourn. Lord, help me to enter into the pain of the abused and to weep with them. Blessed are the meek. Lord, help me to grow in gentleness. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness. Lord, assist me with loving and speaking of your truth for the broken. Blessed are the merciful. Lord, make me tenderhearted and willing to serve your enslaved daughters. Blessed are the pure in heart. Lord, keep me honest before you in all that I say and do. Blessed are the peacemakers. Lord, help me to seek peace for those who are tormented in their homes by extending to them your peace and wisdom. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness. Lord, as I serve those who are suffering, help me to love your church, protect me from ignorant and arrogant people, and remind me that it's a privilege to serve and suffer for you.  3 The Dynamics of Abuse You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? (Matt. 7:16) Matt and Sarah routinely fought about how to spend their weekends. Sarah valued her extended family and wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. Matt desired more dedicated time when their family of four could enjoy one another. It was hard for both of them to compromise because they each feared giving up something that they valued, and they often argued about what they should do on a given weekend. While I was unpacking things with them in counseling, I learned along with them that while Sarah enjoyed her husband and children, she was also afraid of missing out on experiences with her larger family. Once she was able to work through this fear, she was more willing to give up events in order to spend time with just her immediate family. And after some wrestling and praying, Matt saw that it was not only the case that he wanted alone time with his children; he realized that he wanted quieter weekends-to be able to watch sports on TV without interruption. He did not like having so much asked of him relationally. Seeing this selfish tendency in himself allowed him to confess it to Sarah. This greatly blessed her. They began prayerfully asking the Lord to help them to discern how best to love each other and spend their weekends. What Sarah and Matt each wanted (shared family experiences and downtime) was not inherently sinful; it's when each of their desires became demands that they both sinned against each other. When they prioritized their own longings over caring for each other, things got ugly. But was this an abusive situation? Not at all. Matt and Sarah were both distressed by their disunity. They were willing to reflect on their own hearts, negotiate their differences, and trust God with what was hard about loving each other well. Matt and Sarah are an example of a typical marriage conflict. When both spouses in a marriage are willing to work and grow, counseling can address the dynamics of their shared relational struggles. If both spouses work to make Christ central, trust him, and repent of their allegiances to other things, their marriage improves.  Because this is the case, when I first started counseling couples, I looked to see how each person's sin patterns were playing off and entangling the other. When one of my first counselees, Jenny, reported that her husband showed little interest in her, I naively spent fifteen minutes brainstorming things she might do to rekindle their connection, such as planning a date night or searching for a joint hobby. I presupposed that she was a contributor to the problem; perhaps she had let her interest wane. I wrongly assumed that her husband's accusation-that Jenny was cold and failed to express love to him -was accurate and that, at root, he wanted a better marriage just as Sarah and Matt did. But when Jenny sought to implement those ideas, the results were disastrous. I began to realize that my advice had made Jenny more vulnerable to her husband's constant criticisms. Worse, it had caused her to believe that she was responsible for her husband's cruel treatment. I had sent the unintentional message that if she pursued her spouse, she would be worthy of his love and would avoid rejection. I could not have been more wrong. Why did my approach fail? It did not account for how oppression works. When a spouse is oppressive, his desires become demands-and he is willing to continually dominate the other spouse in order to get his world the way that he wants it. Oppression is so much more than an anger problem or a marriage problem. Oppression is about coercive control. Oppressive behavior is not provoked. It is behavior that accomplishes something for the abuser. It is an expression of pernicious entitlement. What Is at the Root of Oppression? We all know what it is like to feel entitled. It happens when our desires- even if they are desires for good things-turn perverse. I demand. I am owed. I have the right to insist. What I want matters most. For example, after a long day of homeschooling, I am tired. I'm eager to sit down for the evening after all the day's tasks are done. All I want is to have thirty minutes to myself and to unwind. But when my daughter creeps out of bed at 11 p.m. with a request, those reasonable desires I have can take a turn for the worse. "I worked hard all day. It's not fair that I must take care of this now. I am tired; I need time off! I just sat down!" It is so easy for these feelings to take over my attitude and to harden into a sense of entitlement. But, in fact, there is a choice before me-whether I see it or not. I can give in to my belief that I deserve rest and can respond out of frustration and anger. Or I can set aside my desires and care for my child's needs. All of us can relate to this-we are all tempted to demand what we want from others. We can choose to give in to our sinful desires, or we can repent of them and seek to serve the Lord and one another. But some people never see that they have a choice. Oppressors see only one path: the path of fulfilling their desires. They will use whatever means are necessary to get what they want. In the example above, an abusive mother might berate the sleepy child with a long list of the child's flaws or might frighten her into returning to her bed. Even if her child disobeys, an abusive mother's self- interested response to this disobedience brings harm, not discipline and growth, to the child. Such a mother would be more concerned with her own comfort than with the comfort or discipline that her child needed. She would fail to see the pain that her behavior caused to her fearful child. Oppressors feel that their efforts to get what they want are so justified that they are blind or indifferent to the effects that their demands have on others. God desires us to live in such a way that we seek to love him and others above ourselves. Oppressors demand that others love and serve them. We will consider the reasons for this in the next section. While we all struggle with entitlement, oppressors exhibit patterns of demanding and punishing that are entrenched, unbending, and unrelenting. Ordinary entitlement becomes pernicious when it leads a person to punish those who stand in the way of their demands. A toxic, entitled person deflects all blame admits no wrongdoing rationalizes punishing behaviors as being an appropriate response Entitlement can harm any relationship-but especially in a marriage, 1 pernicious entitlement creates a climate of fear, in which one spouse works hard to keep the other from being angry and punishing. Even if the oppressed spouse makes a change, it will not improve the marriage and can empower further oppression by feeding the very fire she is trying to extinguish. REFLECT  1. 1. How would you seek to resolve a conflict with someone who (a) deflects all blame, (b) admits no wrongdoing, and (c) rationalizes punishing behaviors as being an appropriate response? 2. 2. Can you think of times when you have shifted blame, failed to see or admit your sin, and felt that your anger was justified? How did this affect your relationships with the other people who were involved and with the Lord? Entitlement in an Oppressor Much confusion related to abuse comes down to misunderstandings about why a person acts oppressively toward another. It is vital to understand that toxic entitlement is at the core of oppression. Oppressors are so invested in their own needs that they believe that the primary reason other people exist is to fulfill their demands. When those people fail to do so, they penalize them. Some use aggressive tactics such as yelling, name-calling, throwing objects, or worse. Some use passive tactics such as lying, ignoring their victims, or withdrawing. Either way, they use domination and fear to get power so they can live the lives that they want. They seek to control and hurt the "offending" person. In each of the following examples, notice how the entitled person's response to the problem is intended not only to punish or blame but also to control the outcome. A husband is struggling to fix his wife's broken bicycle. He erupts into a tirade of profanity, begins throwing his tools around, and tells his wife it is her ineptness that led to this moment of rage. She learns not to ask him for help. A couple is talking about hiring a technician to do electrical work. When the wife asks about affordability, the discussion escalates into an argument. The husband is so annoyed by her questions that he abruptly storms out of the house, thinking, "How dare she question me!" The husband establishes that he is not to be challenged. A husband comes home from work on Friday afternoon and explodes when he sees a messy entryway and hears music playing. He berates his wife for her housekeeping skills and her character, then ignores her all weekend. The wife learns that she must keep the home tidy.  Oppressors believe that they are the center of the world around them. They are largely unaware of the concerns, needs, and significance of others. They earnestly believe that their view of life and relationships is true and right. But, of course, this is a distorted sense of reality. Let's take a look at six false beliefs that are common to entitled people. Entitled people may not be consciously aware of these beliefs, but they live them out functionally in their relationships and, most notably, their marriages. So you will not typically hear an oppressor articulate these beliefs but will instead need to uncover them. Depending on the individual who is holding them, some beliefs are more prominent than others, and not every oppressor holds all six. I will describe the mindset of each belief and how it affects a marriage relationship. As you read through each one, try to imagine what it is like to be married to someone who thinks that way. Key Belief #1: It's All About Me Mindset. The entitled believe that they hold a special status. Their rights matter most. This is selfishness at its most extreme. It is blind, self-focused, utterly wicked at its core, and horribly destructive. The larger oppressive people's view is of themselves, the more their vision will be eclipsed by their own needs and desires-and, in effect, the more blind they will be to how their demands affect others and the more unable they will be to realize that other people have needs and desires too. In short, oppressors lack empathy. How can you empathize with a person whom you won't take the time to understand? It is also likely that oppressors are unaware that their spouses may possess thoughts that are different from their own-and are even valuable. They demand that their spouses look at their world as if they are the center of it. Marital dynamics. Over time, the oppressed are crushed under the weight of their spouses' self-centeredness. Because oppressive people lack empathy and are clueless about how their actions affect their spouses, the oppressed are mainly unseen and not cared for. They report feeling "crushed" or "neglected." Mutual care and support in their marriage are almost nonexistent. For example, a husband spends the majority of his family's discretionary income on his hobbies. Even when his wife needs physical therapy for a hand injury, he will not change his spending patterns. Instead, he requires her to work overtime in order to pay for her own care. Key Belief #2: You and I Need to Listen Only to Me Mindset. Entitled people are always right and know what is best. The opinions of others are inconvenient, irrelevant, or inaccurate. Since other people are wrong, those who are entitled will dismiss, ignore, mock, or verbally annihilate their concerns. It is only their own knowledge or opinion that matters. When their spouses disagree with them, they will likely experience this disagreement as rejection or as being undermined-and harmful consequences result when they respond in punishing ways. Marital dynamics. It is hard to be married to someone who does not seek input or who consistently disregards it when it is offered. Entitled people typically ignore or interrupt their spouses. Sometimes they end an argument by giving in-but then later doing what they wanted to do all along. Because those who are married to entitled people have no say and their contributions are not valued, they may lack confidence, fear that their spouses will make unwise decisions, become exasperated with attempting to communicate with them, and become less and less willing to engage with them. Since no one is listening to or addressing their concerns, they feel alone and can become fearful or depressed. For example, a wife shares that she is concerned with one of her children's behavior and thinks that they should set up a consultation with the child's teacher. Her husband tells her that her concerns are ridiculous and refuses to listen to her specific worries. He implies that asking the school for help will expose her as an overprotective and anxious mom. Key Belief #3: Rules Are Not for Me to Follow; They Are to Keep Me Happy Mindset. "I have rules for you to obey in order to keep me happy-but you cannot have any expectations of me." The rules of an entitled person may sound like "You have to keep a tight budget" (but I can splurge on the latest technology) or "The house must be kept immaculate" (but I can leave my stuff where I want). The entitled person's love of personal comfort and control usually results in a double standard: "Do as I say, but not as I do." The rules that entitled people set for others are not applied to themselves. Marital dynamics. As this mindset takes over, the quantity and intensity of entitled people's rules overwhelm their spouses. Not only that, the rules continually change. Victims of another person's entitlement simply are not capable of getting all the rules right, even when they spend much of their energy contorting their lives to try to avoid the punishment that results when they violate those rules. That is because entitled people make it literally impossible to keep their rules. They are always changing things up so that the unspoken rules suit them; the relationship is a never-ending jumble of "rules" focusing on a target that is always moving. For example, a husband insists that his wife and children not talk to him while he is watching football. However, when they are sitting together watching a late-night movie, he demands that it is time for them all to help him with chores immediately. Key Belief #4: My Anger Is Justified Mindset. Oppressors' anger is justified simply because they think they are right. They do not see their anger as a problem and won't understand or confess their culpability for it. In their minds, their angry responses are reasonable, because they have the perception that they have been sinned against. Simply put, "My anger is your fault." Marital dynamics. Entitled people are master blame shifters: "I'm angry because you did not listen"; "You criticized me"; "You are trying to control me." Victims are at fault if they express any disappointment or hurt. For example, a wife is not carving the meat to her husband's liking. He screams at her in front of their guests. She replies, "Please don't yell. I'll fix it." He then shouts even louder, "I wouldn't have to yell if you weren't so stupid and just did what I told you!" As he sees it, his anger is justified by her stupidity. Keep in mind that anger is not always loud. It has many subtle forms that are equally as destructive, such as sulking, sabotaging, or ignoring. Many times, victims of entitled spouses are confused about how they contribute to their spouses' sin. Entitled people are convincing, and their victims can feel responsible for things that are not their fault. They fear making their spouses angry. This dynamic leads to a form of relational enslavement as victims oblige entitled spouses' demands in order to avoid being on the receiving end of their anger and punishment. Key Belief #5: Other People Attack Me Mindset. When someone brings up a complaint or even a concern, entitled people interpret this as an attack. They are not open to other people reminding them about anything or offering input or opinions. When someone does, they experience it as an assault. Simple requests get blown out of proportion. Suggestions of any kind are unwelcome. Marital dynamics. Entitled people have a difficult time receiving the input of others without perceiving it as a personal attack. For example, a conversation between an entitled person and his spouse on the way to church might look like this. "If you make this left, you can take the back way." "What?! Do you want to drive? Do you think I don't know how to get there?" "No; I just thought there might be too much traffic on Main Street." "What do you know about traffic? You can't even find your way home from the dentist. Since you know so much about driving, don't call me the next time you're lost!" The entitled person will not even entertain as a possibility the idea that a comment could be an attempt to help. Instead, they react to it as if they are being attacked. If a spouse does not feel safe to bring up concerns or to have a differing opinion, then her marriage is not based on honesty and unity. In fact, more and more disunity will develop in it. The entitled spouse will build up exaggerated feelings of rejection and hurt, and the other spouse will grow to fear being honest about her thoughts. When we step in to mitigate conflicts within such marriages, oppressors can be very convincing about being the ones who were wronged. It is essential for us to go slowly and learn more about situations before we seek to take sides or assign blame. Key Belief #6: I Don't Have to Appreciate What You Do, but I Demand That You Appreciate What I Do Mindset. I call this the bank account mentality. Entitled people remember all the deposits of good deeds that they have ever made. When someone has a complaint against them, they expect that person to see that their deposits are still in the black. In their minds, all their earlier deposits should cancel out any complaints. They are not interested in looking at what they are actually doing now. They would prefer to reference a point in the past when their account was in good standing. At the same time, they might not acknowledge or appreciate any of the deposits that their spouses have made. Those are just expected. Or maybe they are manipulatively appreciative for inconsequential things in an attempt to distract their victims from their controlling, perpetual dissatisfaction. Either way, there is a high imbalance in the oppressive spouse's scorekeeping. Marital dynamics. The balance sheet is always skewed in favor of the entitled spouse, and his past deposits excuse his current behavior. This keeps the other spouse on the defensive during an argument, leading the true issue to be quickly forgotten. This dynamic precludes mutual understanding and reconciliation. Eventually, there are so many unresolved conflicts that the relationship breaks down. For example, a wife brings up the fact that she feels hurt because her husband purchased only a box of tea for her for Christmas. She explains how devalued she feels, given that everyone else opened lavish gifts. He tells her that she should be grateful that she got a new car last year and has a closet full of clothes. He gives her gifts all year, and she is childish for being unappreciative. Never mind that she had been driving a car that was in disrepair for years and that, like everyone else, she requires clothes. Neither of these things are luxuries. Even if the wife had been unreasonably hurt, the rage with which her husband reacted when she expressed her heartbreak would still have been unjustifiable. These six key beliefs play off of and reinforce one another. It is difficult to untangle and dismantle such deeply entrenched, subconscious ways of thinking. Can you imagine what it is like to live with someone who holds these beliefs? It is suffocating. REFLECT 1. 1. How would it feel if your feelings and concerns were unaddressed or dismissed for years on end? 2. 2. What type of pressure would you experience if your spouse were unhappy with you every day? Or if their rules were constantly changing? 3. 3. What would it be like to create a family budget with an entitled person? To have a husband who prioritized his own financial needs and  was unwilling to listen to your concerns? Keep in mind how finances affect you, your children, and your future. Entitled People Have a Worship Problem Oppressors do not only lack empathy and punish others. Underneath the six key beliefs that are at the root of entitlement and the damaging behaviors that it causes is the most significant and detrimental distortion of all: a worship problem. Oppressors see themselves as the center of their world; their hearts say, "I was created to be worshipped, not to worship." But God is the center of all things. He created us to worship him. So when "Me, me, me!" rules all, God is dethroned, worship is impeded, and Christian growth is stunted. Oppressors require everyone else to be devoted to them-not to God. There are three ways that they do this. 1. 1. They demand to be "worshipped." Oppressors functionally believe that they should be the sole object of others' concern and care. Their needs and desires are most important, and others should lay down their own desires and preferences in order to serve them. 2. 2. They demand obedience from others. They set up rules that contribute to their own comfort and expect their spouses to abide by those rules. When the rules are violated, oppressors respond not with the forgiving grace of our one true God but rather with the burning anger of one who feels violated and justified in punishing. 3. 3. They are not obligated to anyone. Oppressors ignore God's call for us to love our neighbors as ourselves (see Matt. 22:37-39), and they feel justified in doing so. Others must love them-but they do not love reciprocally. Their marriages are not based on mutual care, because one spouse subjects the other to unrelenting desires, expectations, and demands. Self-Worship as a Distortion of True Worship Self-Worship True Worship It is all about me. All creation exists for me-to All things were created by God and exist serve my needs and my wants. to bring him glory. Therefore I am created  to bring him glory. You and I need to listen only to me. My words God's words alone are infallible and are wiser and truer than anyone else's. My perfect. I must not lean on my own thoughts are infallible and perfect. understanding of myself but must ask him to search my heart. Rules are not for me to follow; they are to keep God alone should be worshipped, and his me happy. Everyone should worship me- laws are ultimate. I am called to live by should keep my rules and bring me comfort, his rules. glory, and honor. My anger is justified. I do not require God's anger alone is fully justified and forgiveness; my anger is good and just. perfect. And he alone justifies me. Other people attack me. I do not hurt others; God alone is perfect and above criticism. I they injure me. I am already sanctified. need God's help in order to be sanctified. I don't have to appreciate what you do, but I God alone deserves our worship, as he is demand that you appreciate what I do. You owe the giver of every good gift. I am to look me honor for all that I have provided for you. to him with a heart of gratefulness and dependence. Screening for Entitlement We all struggle with entitlement. Yes-even you and me. The Bible is clear that we are selfish and prideful people. Yet people who oppress others have a uniquely severe worship problem. Even among oppressors, we will find varying degrees of punishments and see different spectrums of severity. But all oppressors have a perspective on life that does not reflect God's established reality, and this cripples their relationship with him. When this severe worship problem exists in a marriage, it is disastrous and often dangerous. When most Christians approach a troubled marriage, they think of the marriage's problem as involving two sinners who are each contributing sinful patterns to the relationship, as I did with Sarah and Matt. If we fail to take into account the possible presence of oppressive dynamics, the way I did with Jenny, we will fail to help-or, worse, will unknowingly cause victims harm. Assessing the severity of entitlement when we encounter marital conflict is one way that we can begin to detect whether abuse is occurring.  Abusive Entitlement Screening Questions When we first suspect that oppression might be occurring in a marriage, we can screen for it indirectly by attempting to see if one of the spouses is displaying signs of abusive entitlement. The following questions can help us to begin to get the lay of the land. They give us a way in that doesn't require us to mention that we suspect abuse. They can also serve to help us become aware of the climate of the marriage-something that is often challenging to assess from the outside. Read through them now and notice the aspects of abusive entitlement that they seek to uncover. Then store them for later use. You can use these questions at different times throughout the process of discovering abuse. Because understanding an oppressor's entitlement is so important, I will often ask the same victim these questions several times. I will highlight below some methods that I often use for doing so-but no matter when you ask these questions yourself, be sure to follow them up with further discussion as you seek out concrete examples of the entitlement they reveal. You can choose one or two to ask as someone is just beginning to share with you the struggles in her marriage. This is a helpful way to elicit more information about her particular situation. If you begin to suspect that oppression is present in her marriage, share that you have concerns about what you are hearing (without using the word abuse). Then go through the full