What Women Really Want (2016) PDF

 CONTENTS INTRODUCTION: Secrets from the Love Lab PART ONE: Understanding a Woman Chapter 1: What Do Women Really Want? Chapter 2: A Mind of Her Own PART TWO: Dating a Woman Chapter 3: Read My Hips Chapter 4: First Impressions PART THREE: Roma...

 CONTENTS INTRODUCTION: Secrets from the Love Lab PART ONE: Understanding a Woman Chapter 1: What Do Women Really Want? Chapter 2: A Mind of Her Own PART TWO: Dating a Woman Chapter 3: Read My Hips Chapter 4: First Impressions PART THREE: Romancing a Woman Chapter 5: Making Your Move Chapter 6: Is She More Than a Hookup? PART FOUR: Making Love to a Woman Chapter 7: Image Is Everything Chapter 8: Her Body Is a Wonderland Chapter 9: Becoming Her Best Ever PART FIVE: Living With a Woman Chapter 10: Learn to Fight Like a Girl Chapter 11: Why Does It Take So Long To Buy a Pair of Shoes? Chapter 12: Best Friends Forever PART SIX: Loving a Woman for a Lifetime Chapter 13: Is She the One? Chapter 14: Mother Nature Chapter 15: Staying Together ACKNOWLEDGMENTS ENDNOTES ABOUT THE AUTHORS INTRODUCTION  Secrets from the Love Lab THERE IS A vicious rumor going around that men don’t buy books. If you are a man and you bought this book (or borrowed it), congratulations! You are a pioneer. A stereotype-busting man among men. A soon-to-be Hero who knows how to be the man that all women wish they had. If your girlfriend or wife bought the book and left it on your nightstand, we say no harm, no foul. You did not put your own hard-earned money down for the book, but it will reward you nonetheless for any and all time you invest in it. If you are a woman reading this book, we are glad you are. We can guess what your motivations might be. Perhaps you want to vet this guide for accuracy and then give it to the man in your life (and possibly also to your brother, son, friend, neighbor, or male pet; sorry, we can’t help your pet). We want to reassure you that we’ve done the vetting for you, as this guide for men is coauthored by two highly qualified female clinicians who have done the checking under the hood. We also want to speak up for the man in your life and let you in on one of his little secrets: In the vast enigmatic world that is Woman, he is dreadfully lost and confused, and as is the case with most men, loath to ask for directions. We’re not being critical or disloyal. Men freely admit this. Women are mysterious. (Men, are we right?) Your man desperately wants to understand how to love you, make you happy, and ensure that you will desire and want him (and only him) forever. He wants to fight with you less. He wants to play with you more. He wants to know how your brain works, what makes your heart beat faster, and how to be the kind of man you need him to be. So be reassured, and feel free to read this book as well. But then give it to the man in your life, or leave it underneath the remote, or in his car, or stuff it in his toolbox, if that’s what it takes. Or you can encourage him to go out and bravely forge his own path to the bookstore and buy a copy for himself. Now, for the men. We know some secrets, and we’re going to share them with you. We’ve written this book as an easy-to-read and easy-to-use guide. We’ve also tried to write this book to be entertaining and whenever possible to include visuals and cartoons, since sometimes a picture is worth a thousand (or at least a few hundred) words. And who doesn’t love a good cartoon? So here’s the news flash: Men, you have the power to make or break a relationship. That’s right. Research shows that what men do in a relationship is, by a large margin, the crucial factor that separates a great relationship from a failed one. This does not mean that a woman doesn’t need to do her part, but the data proves that a man’s actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship succeeds or fails, which is ironic, since most relationship books are written for women. That’s kind of like doing open-heart surgery on the wrong patient. So while you may lament that you don’t know why women act the way they do, and think the way they do, and talk the way they do, and perhaps you even blame them for your lack of success with them—the truth is, it is what you do and the way you think that matters most. The bar stools of the world are filled with lonely men sitting in the rubble of their failed one- liners and wondering what’s wrong with women. We don’t want that same fate for you. We’re not going to tell you what’s wrong with women—we’re going to explain where you may have gone wrong in the past. When it comes to women, men are either Zeros or Heroes. And we know which one you’d rather be. Caveat emptor: This isn’t a how-to guide for getting women into bed. There are plenty of those, and most of them are based on shallow scams that do not lead to any kind of lasting or fulfilling relationship. This book will certainly help you seduce and satisfy women, but our goal is to help you succeed with women for a lifetime. All of the research studies show that men who are in happy, healthy relationships make more money, have more sex (yes, believe it or not, married men typically have much more and better sex than single men), live longer, suffer less chronic illness, and show less cognitive impairment—i.e., don’t lose their minds—in their later years. So feel free to use this book to get a woman into your bed by skipping right to the chapters on romancing and making love to a woman. But if you want to keep her, and not spend your old age alone and doddering around the neighborhood in utter confusion, read the chapters on understanding a woman’s mind, and heart, and the chapter on loving her for a lifetime. It would be easy if there were a sequence of buttons to push to win the heart of any woman, but there’s not. Women are complex. Every woman is different, and that’s why every woman is so fascinating. This book will help you to understand how to dial out the static and confusion that so frequently becomes the backdrop to a relationship. We know what matters most to women and what women want most from a man. Read this guide, and we promise that you will be able to dial in a more satisfying relationship for yourself and for her. How Do We Know? John Gottman, PhD, is the guy who is known for being able to predict with 94 percent accuracy whether a couple will get divorced. The scientific laboratory is his major source of knowledge. John is a researcher, and his wife, Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist who has worked side by side with John to strengthen couples’ relationships worldwide. Doug and Rachel are the coauthors of international, best-selling books about intimacy and passion, and Rachel is a physician who uses her clinical experience to help many women and men heal their hearts as well as their bodies in her medical practice. In addition to being the world’s leading marriage researcher, John has also distinguished himself by being in many disastrous relationships with women before he met Julie. We want to be perfectly clear on this point: His history with women is mostly a field littered with the corpses of failed relationships. Doug was not born a Don Juan either, although he did eventually write a novel about the famous seducer, and that book has been translated and read all around the world. So if neither John nor Doug were born blessed with a secret knowledge of women, how have they managed to stay married to amazing women for almost 30 and 29 years, respectively? It can’t be stated enough: These two are not any kind of love gurus. Everything they know about women they’ve had to learn the hard way, and in John’s case, from over 40 years of studying real-life couples. The guidance in this book comes from real-life research and real-life relationships—some bad, some good enough, and some great. A lot of this information is new to the clinical world. In the past, clinicians who wrote about relationships had only seen troubled couples, so they relied on their fantasies of what good relationships looked like. They didn’t know how men in really great, happy relationships actually treated their partners. We do. They didn’t have the Love Lab. We do. Inside the Lab In a small apartment laboratory at the University of Washington, in what came to be called the “Love Lab” by the media, John (and later Julie) used many different methods to study couples. For example, he videotaped them talking about how their days went after they’d been apart for at least 8 hours, he watched them argue, he watched them talk about pleasant topics, and he watched them spend whole days together in this small apartment. As they discussed the events of their days or conflicts between them, he measured how fast their hearts were beating, how fast their blood was flowing, how they were breathing, how much they were sweating, and how much they jiggled in their seats as they talked, all synchronized to a video time code. He had them watch their videotape and tell him what they were feeling, and sometimes he had them watch the tape again and try to guess what their partner was feeling.  He coded, one hundredth of a second by one hundredth of a second, their facial expressions, tone of voice, words, gestures, positive emotions (like interest, affection, humor, and understanding), and negative emotions (like disappointment, hurt, anger, and sadness). He also recorded their criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and many, many other interactions. Then he interviewed each couple about the history and philosophy of their relationship. He interviewed each individual about his or her own emotional history with anger, sadness, and fear. Following all this assessment, he waited 1 to 3 years and then he saw them again. Then again, and again. He and Julie have now followed couples for as long as 20 years, throughout the course of their lives, through the newlywed years, through parenting, through aging. They have followed couples through midlife, retirement, and beyond—some even into their late eighties. They’ve seen happy couples in all kinds of relationships, and they’ve seen unhappy couples break up or stay together in misery. Some of these couples wanted very interconnected, intimate relationships. Some wanted more independence from each other and more separation. Some couples fought a lot, and some avoided conflict entirely. For 40 years, they’ve watched more than 3,000 couples, and these real couples taught them everything they know about who men and women are in relationships, and what women really want out of those relationships. In short, the secrets from the Love Lab are the secrets that every man needs to know, and these are the secrets that will make sure you are a Hero, not a Zero. Now it’s time for men to roll up their sleeves and understand what it is women want and need from them, how best to provide it, and what it takes to be in a happy, loving relationship with a woman for a lifetime. In this book, we will show you the secrets of attraction, of dating, of mating, and of day-to-day living with a woman. We will map her body and decode her body language. And the best way to begin is to start right at the heart of the matter and tell you the number one thing women want from a man. Understanding a Woman  Chapter 1 WHAT DO WOMEN REALLY WANT? Understanding the Heart of a Woman The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul, is “What does a woman want?” —Sigmund Freud Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color nine. —Will Ferrell STEPHEN HAWKING, the legendary astrophysicist and a man who has solved some of the most complex mysteries of the universe, was recently asked what it is he thinks about most. His answer came as no surprise to us. Which scientific puzzle confounds the genius of Hawking? “Women,” he said. “They are a complete mystery.” If Hawking, Freud, and Ferrell, two of the greatest scientists and one of the funniest comics of our time, can’t understand women, what hope is there for the average guy? How is he to muddle through the perplexing universe that is Woman? The first thing you need to know in order to unravel this mystery is simple: All women are unique. That’s right, every last one of them is special. Ultimately, the goal is not to become the world’s greatest lover, or boyfriend, or husband, but to become the world’s greatest lover, boyfriend, or husband of your particular partner. In short, where your woman’s wants and needs contradict the data from our lab, listen to your partner. Her truth is really the only truth that matters. Yet this book will help you accelerate the learning curve, because our research also reveals that women possess aspects in common in how they play, work, dream, and love, and those are the secrets we want to share with you. The second thing you need to know is that it is not as complicated as you think. Imagine you are a tourist in a foreign land, and this book is your guided tour of the heart and mind—and, oh yeah, body—of that sovereign state. Like when visiting any foreign land, you want to be prepared—read the travel advisories, pack the right equipment, study the language, and learn as much as you can about the culture, the history, and the customs. Total immersion. You also want to learn the laws of the land; you should know what constitutes a crime and what the penalties are. Think Midnight Express. No one wants to end up in prison in a foreign country. The Land of Women is no exception. The One Thing All Women Look for in a Man What is the number one thing that women are looking for in a man? Six- pack abs? Six-figure bank account? A tall, handsome man riding a white horse? No, no, and no. The number one thing women look for is simply this: trustworthiness. That’s right, trustworthiness. Now before you go patting yourself on the back and putting this book down because you know that she knows that you are trustworthy, think again. Trustworthiness isn’t just about whether or not you are a player or, if you’re in a long-term relationship, whether or not you’ve ever been unfaithful. Although those things are fundamental and important to trustworthiness, they are not enough. What trustworthiness looks like in dating and mating is this: You are who you say you are and you do what you say you are going to do. It’s about reliability, accountability, and showing up just as you are (but with good hygiene). Why is trustworthiness so important? Why is this the quality that makes a woman’s heart soar? Think about it. Throughout history, a woman’s safety and well-being, as well as that of her children, have been dependent on her partner’s trustworthiness. This is not just some antiquated issue from yesteryear, either. Fathers turn out to be the most critical factor in the health and success of children across a wide range of influences. When fathers are not involved with their kids, there’s a five times greater likelihood that the kids will live in poverty, a three times greater likelihood that they’ll fail in school, and a two times greater likelihood that they will have emotional and behavioral problems, use drugs, get involved in crime, or commit suicide.1 Men make a difference. And men matter immensely to women and to their children, so there’s a reason women are looking for men who are trustworthy. Now you may be saying, “Hold on a minute, we’ve just met” or “I’m just looking for a date.” Well, knowing what her deep, evolutionary needs are will help you know how to win her heart for a night or for a lifetime. Just remember that she’s asking herself, even if she’s not consciously thinking about it, “Is he safe? Will he be there for me? Is he dependable? Is he trustworthy?” There is a reason that women think that firefighters are hot. (And it’s not the moustaches.) They are a symbol of all of these qualities. Firefighters are Heroes. You can be, too. This is why all of those symbolic actions of concern and protectiveness that your grandmother told you to do are actually so important. Opening a door for her, pulling out her chair, and walking on the traffic side of the street (yeah, really) all signal that you care about her and are willing to protect her. By showing up on time and doing what you say you’ll do, you tell her, “Hey, you can trust me.” People admire it or dismiss it as being chivalrous, but the truth is, you’re just signaling that you are trustworthy. But being trustworthy is not just about safeguarding a woman’s body or her children. It’s about safeguarding her heart, as well. The Two Major Complaints That Women Have In our Love Lab, we found that women have two major complaints about men. The first complaint is: “He is never there for me.” The second complaint is: “There isn’t enough intimacy and connection.” These women feel alone even when they are in a relationship. In many ways, these are related complaints. These women cannot trust their men to be there for them when they need them. Most of the time, this is about being there for them emotionally: listening to them, caring for them, and safeguarding their hearts. In contrast, men have two major complaints about women: “There’s too much fighting, and there’s not enough sex.” Sound familiar? These men are also lonely even when they are in a relationship. We found that men actually want intimacy just as much as women, but they feel that intimacy when there’s less fighting and more sex. These separate complaints from men and women are, in fact, causally related and can be addressed through a simple skill we like to call attunement. When men “attune” to their women, there is less fighting, more frequent (and better) sex, and both men and women no longer feel so alone. It is also the skill that leads to genuine emotional connection, which in turn leads to trust, which in turn leads to you giving women the number one thing they need and want. In other words, this is a big deal. In our interviews in the Love Lab, we asked men and women whether or not they felt they could talk to their partners (especially when they felt sad, angry, or in need of affection), and we discovered a fundamental fact: The fights of many couples result from men dismissing women’s emotions instead of attuning to them. You dismiss a woman’s emotions every time you try to fix them, distract her from them, minimize them, mock them, or ignore them altogether. Learn the relatively simple and fundamental skill of attunement and your relationship with women will change profoundly. (Attunement will also serve you well at work, in parenting, and in all of your relationships.) We found that men who learned emotional attunement got what they ultimately wanted from their relationships: less fighting and more sex. A Tune-Up So why does this attunement thing work for your relationships with women? Women want men who are there for them when they need them. They want men who are interested in them and who care about them. Woman need to feel respected, heard, and connected. Now before you think, “blah, blah, blah,” let’s look at this as a logical equation. Trait women want most: trustworthiness. Trust is built through: emotional connection. Emotional connection is created through: attunement. Therefore, emotional attunement = trustworthiness. So where can you buy a can of attunement? You can’t. But you can learn it. It’s not complex. It’s not rocket science. And it has a handy acronym, so the next time you’re with a woman you can think: Just A-TT-U-N-E. ATTEND. Give your undivided attention when it’s needed. This means that if a woman wants to talk to you, turn off the game, put away your cell phone, and show by your actions that you care about her and about what she is saying. Even if it is the minutiae of her day or something that seems unimportant to you, it is important to her and is a request for connection. If you are on a date, direct your attention to the woman you are with. No scanning the room, no checking out other women, no texting your buddies during dinner. Attention equals affection. Attention ultimately is how you express love. TURN TOWARD. This is not a metaphor or a new age expression. Physically. Turn. Toward. Your. Partner. Women equate intimacy with conversation that is face-to-face and eyeball-to-eyeball. Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, PhD, of Rutgers University, says, “Men regard intimacy as playing or working side by side. Their approach to intimacy probably harks back to prehistory: Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo. They faced their enemies but sat next to their friends.”2 Bottom line: Unless you and your woman are about to take down a buffalo, turn toward her while you talk. UNDERSTAND. No matter what she is saying, the goal is understanding. And how you get to understanding is by asking questions. If the woman in your life is complaining about her best friend, don’t offer a solution, don’t try to distract her, don’t think of how you can “fix” the problem, don’t make jokes, and don’t minimize the problem. Ask questions about what she is feeling and what it all means to her. This part of attuning is not about saying “I understand”; it’s about showing genuine interest and attempting to understand why this is important to her. Whether she is complaining about her mother, frustrated with her boss, or pissed off at you —let understanding be your goal. NONDEFENSIVELY LISTEN. If you are paying attention, turning toward her, and seeking understanding, you are well on your way down the path of nondefensive listening. This is especially important if what a woman is talking about or is upset about is you. Don’t react. No one likes to be criticized or feel like they are under attack. But the tricky thing is, if you counterattack, make excuses, justify, or argue, you are only going to be criticized more. Don’t interrupt and don’t forget that any feeling is fact to the person feeling it. Whether or not you agree with her reactions or how she sees reality, her feelings are real to her in that moment. You only need to listen to her express them. You were given two ears and only one mouth for a reason—so you will listen twice as much as you speak. Many a wise man has followed these words. It’s hard to underscore how important this finding was in our lab. The men who were able to “downregulate” their anger (in other words, calm themselves down and not overreact), were the men with great relationships. EMPATHIZE. For you Trekkies out there, think of empathy as a Vulcan mind meld. For those of you thinking you’ve already covered this with the whole “understanding” thing, think again. Understanding is an intellectual pursuit, while empathy is an emotional pursuit. Try to feel how a woman is feeling, regardless of whether—in your opinion—it has any Vulcan logic to it. Clue in to the emotions she’s expressing. How do you do this? You can ask her how she feels (genius). You can also read her body language. (Are her arms crossed, is her breathing shallow, is her face red? These are all signs she might be royally pissed off.) Let her know that you value how she feels and that it makes sense to you that she would feel this way. We won’t go deep into the brain science explaining why this works, but let’s just say that the emotional part of the brain calms down when it feels connected to another person and not alone. Show empathy. Show compassion. It’s not about being wrong or being right. If some part of you is screaming, “If I do this, she will roll right over me —she’ll win!” remember that attuning with how she feels doesn’t mean that you agree with everything that she says, just that you hear her—that you “get it.” And we promise that if you do this first, your discussion about how you might solve the conflict between you will go much better (see Chapter 10). You will have less fighting and more sex. Because instead of being simply pissed off at you, she will feel safe and heard, and therefore interested in and willing to solve the problem between you so you can get on with the fun of being together. Attuning is a skill, and like any skill, you get better with practice. So practice. Attune with your partner, attune with your mother, attune with your buddy, attune with your boss, attune with your dog. This simple skill, this simple process, can profoundly change your interactions with all of the women in your life, and it changes the entire dynamic of dating and mating. Most men spend their time trying to impress women, talking and talking about themselves, and end up turning women off. This is the exact opposite of what women want. To put it simply, listening is sexier than talking. Asking questions is sexier than broadcasting. Being genuinely interested in her is much more important than trying to be interesting to her. As we’ve stated, if you want a relationship with a woman to last, she needs to know who you are, and she needs to feel safe with you. Emotional safety, like emotional connection, is built through the process of attuning. When a woman makes a bid for your attention, when she reaches out to you emotionally and you meet her reach, this demonstrates your trustworthiness and emotional safety. If you shut her down, ignore her, or otherwise don’t attune (especially when she is upset), she will not feel safe with you emotionally, nor will she feel safe to be herself with you. A woman also needs physical safety. Everyone learned in kindergarten that it’s not okay to hit someone, but there are other, less obvious ways that a woman can feel physically unsafe with you. Men are often bigger than women and their voices are deeper and louder. If you use your voice or your size to intimidate or to make a point, even if you don’t intend to do this, a woman will not feel physically safe with you and will not trust you completely. You can attune all day and night, but you will never obtain Hero status in the trustworthy department if you lead with your might. I’ll Do That Trustworthiness Thing When I’m Married Perhaps you aren’t in a long-term relationship with a woman, and perhaps you have no desire to be in a long-term relationship with a woman. The trustworthiness factor is the same. Even if you are dating 10 different women you met online, there still has to be a level of trust if you want a great sex life, a fun dating life, or to have an overall good time. For women, being sexual is equivalent to being vulnerable. And nothing will stop arousal in its tracks or reverse it more quickly than fear. We’re not talking about the fear that you are going to hurt her physically, although that’s clearly a deal breaker. We’re talking about the fear that you will hurt her emotionally. The fear that she is not safe with you. It’s basic biology, and we will talk more about the fear center in a woman’s brain in the next chapter. For now, it is enough to know that if she thinks you are lying to her, being fake, not being accountable, dismissing her feelings, or just not showing up to the party in some way—your sex life will suck. And no man wants that. What Do Men Want? We’ve already defined from our research what it is men want: less fighting and more sex. But in a more general way, a man wants to be desired and to feel like the woman in his life wants him, adores him, and approves of him just the way he is. It’s no secret. You know this is true. You want approval from the women in your life. Actually, you want approval from all of the women in the world, but for now let’s settle on helping you get it from the woman or women closest to you, and then you can work on conquering the rest of the world. Men also want less conflict. Way less conflict. You don’t want to be the source of her unhappiness, and when she’s unhappy, you want to fix whatever’s broken and move on. Men feel responsible for women’s feelings. And this is where men go way, way wrong.  Women have big feelings. Men have big feelings, too, but they’re better at hiding them. And when women have big feelings, men want to jump in and make those feelings go away. Be honest—sometimes the big feelings of women scare the crap out of you. Nothing can send a grown man into a panic faster than tears that seem to come out of nowhere, make no logical sense, and call for a 2-hour “talk” to make them subside. You want to immediately get to the source of the problem, but this is not how women work. John saw a couple in therapy who struggled with this issue. The man said that whenever his wife came into a room he tensed up and scanned her body to see if there was any evidence of her being in a dark mood. He came to therapy wanting John to determine if there was something mentally wrong with his wife. The woman said that whenever she walked into a room he became like the Batmobile: The shields came up immediately, making him invulnerable, impenetrable. There was no way she could get close to him. She claimed he never listened to her. “You are never there for me when I need you,” she said. He claimed that he listened to her all the time. As John observed the couple together, it became clear that the man’s attitude toward her emotions was impatience; he had a kind of “What is it now?” attitude. He was irritable. As he listened to her, he saw himself as responsible for changing her negative, unhappy state to a more positive, optimistic one. He believed his role as her husband was to make her happy, so when she was unhappy he would suggest a way that he could solve the problem, and he’d offer how he would choose to feel if he were in the same situation. Sound logical? Big mistake. The man was full of what he saw as sage advice, like, “When the world deals you a bad hand, you just play the hand you are dealt.” The advice did nothing to help his wife feel listened to. On the contrary, it made her feel that he thought she was stupid to be distressed at all, so she felt humiliated for having been so emotional. What could this man have done differently? How could he have been there for her? Demonstrated his trustworthiness? It goes back to attunement. It always goes back to attunement. He needed to Attend–in other words, pay Attention to his wife. He needed to Turn Toward her. He needed to Understand. He needed to Nondefensively Listen. He needed to Empathize. He didn’t need to problem solve. He didn’t need to philosophize. He didn’t need to personalize. He didn’t need to fix her or her emotions or her supposed “mental problems.” He just needed to know that she wanted to feel less alone. Knowing these insights is a big relief, because it means you’re actually under a lot less pressure. And the payoff is huge. When you attune, the woman you’re with feels safe. When she feels safe, the world is your oyster and life is good. Sex is good. Your relationship is playful and happy and joyous. If you are in a close relationship with a woman, you are going to get to see all of her emotions (and all of your own emotions) in their raw, ugly beauty. Don’t let them scare you. Don’t think you can give her logical reasons why they should not be present. Acceptance is the key. As you learn to accept her emotions, you may learn to accept your own. Women often have stronger emotions than men; there’s a hormonal basis to this difference. You can see these emotional differences between the sexes in childhood play. To understand this, let’s take a look at the games John observed children playing at recess on the playground. Learn from the Children First, let’s watch the 8-year-old boys. Boys at this age tend to play run and chase games with a ball. An example is a made-up game called Mob. One boy would get the ball and it was the job of about 30 other boys to chase him as a group and take the ball away from him in any way they could. Once “mobbed,” the boy would either hang on to the ball or pass it to a friend, who then became “it” and the subject of the chase. The boys needed a large area to play this game. The main activity was running like hell. They were very serious about the game, but there was also a lot of laughter. But once in a while a boy got overly emotional. Most of the time the kids just ignored this disruption and kept playing the game, hoping it would work itself out. But sometimes the boys would deal directly with the emotion. For example, one day a kid named Brian started to cry, loudly. Another kid, Gabe, who was sort of the self-appointed captain of this semiorganized chaos, stopped everyone by shouting, “Hey everyone! Stop!” and went over to Brian. “What’s the matter?” he asked. Brian, through his tears, said, “I never get the ball.” Gabe then shouted to the other kids, “Let’s go! Only this time Brian gets the ball. Here’s the ball. Okay, you’re it, Brian. Let’s go!” And they were off. Problem solved. Emotions dealt with. The goal of the boys was to keep the ball in play no matter what the cost. Emotions just got in the way of the game. Crying was like an unwelcome leech that had landed on someone and was messing up the fun. The goal was to get rid of the leech and continue the play. This seems to be true of males whether they are 8 or 48. The goal for men is generally dispensing with the emotion so that the play and fun (relationship) can continue. Now, let’s observe the 8-year-old girls on the same playground. Lisa and Kathy are playing hopscotch when Kathy starts to cry. “What’s wrong?” asks Lisa. “You hurt my feelings,” says Kathy. “How did I do that?” asks Lisa. Kathy explains that she wanted Lisa to wear the same barrette in her hair that Kathy had on, and she had brought an extra one from home especially for Lisa. She was hoping that Lisa would wear it as a sign that they were best friends. Lisa says she doesn’t like to wear barrettes in her hair. Kathy cries harder. “But I do want to be best friends,” says Lisa. It doesn’t stop there. The girls go on to review how they first met and how they became friends. They talk about doing a sleepover, plan whose house it is going to be at, and discuss what they might do together during the sleepover. They decide to one day marry brothers, so they can become sisters. This goes on and on. The game of hopscotch is long forgotten. It is only a context for the relationship. And emotions are a way of getting closer. They are the stuff of intimacy, and that’s the real reason the girls play the game: The feeling of connection with one another. The actual game is okay, but it’s often just a mask for exploring the closeness of the relationship. For the girls, the goal isn’t the game and stopping the play isn’t a drawback or a disruption of the fun. Emotions are not a problem for girls. They are a good thing, an opportunity for intimacy. To girls, expressing the feelings requires taking a risk, opening up, and trusting one another. It’s a good sign that the relationship is deepening. Eventually, Kathy and Lisa may solve the barrette problem. Lisa may agree to keep the barrette in her pocket. But the solution, if they ever determine one, is not even important. The Bottom Line Men are always asking the question, “What are women trying to accomplish when they become emotional?” This is a hopelessly male question. Women are baffled by this question. When men say a woman is being “emotional,” they are not talking about joy, fun, play, humor, interest, excitement, adventure, lust, or passion. They are not talking about the positive emotions. Men have no problem with a woman expressing those emotions. Men have a problem with the so-called “negative” emotions, like sadness, anger, fear, disappointment, jealousy, loneliness, shame, and insecurity. These are emotions that many men would just rather not have at all, much less constantly talk about or dwell on. The majority of men believe that talking about these feelings will only make matters worse. This is not true. But most women don’t feel that way about these emotions. Let’s be clear. Let’s get to the ultimate bottom line: For a woman, there are no negative emotions. For a woman, there is no “point” to being emotional. Emotions just are. For women, they’re as natural as breathing. Emotions are opportunities for intimacy. This bears repeating. They are opportunities to build emotional connection, and they are opportunities to demonstrate your trustworthiness. Ultimately, any relationship between two people will have “issues.” No two people are going to agree on everything. The goal is not to turn the other person into you. The goal is to understand the unique, amazing, annoying, complex, frustrating, fascinating person you are in a relationship with. Wouldn’t it be boring if you were dating a clone of yourself, or worse, married to your clone? Since you can’t clone yourself what can you do? You can try to understand her. When you give up trying to change her into someone more like you, you can attune to who she really is. That’s when the real magic happens. When in doubt, remember the hopscotch story. Put a barrette in your hair and show up and attune when your woman needs you. This is what it means to understand the heart of a woman. WHAT WOMEN WANT MOST: TRUSTWORTHINESS. number one thing women want from you is trustworthiness. You demonstrate trustworthiness by being who you say you are and doing what you say you are going to do. You show up and you show up as yourself. THE SECRET OF TRUSTWORTHINESS: ATTUNEMENT. Women need to feel emotionally connected and emotionally safe. This happens through attunement. When a woman wants to connect with you, especially when she’s upset about something, you A-TT-U-N-E: You Attend to her, you physically Turn Toward her, you seek to Understand her by asking questions, you Nondefensively Listen, and you Empathize by accepting and affirming her emotions. DON’T BEAT YOUR CHEST. Women also need to feel physically safe with you. A Hero never uses his size or his voice to intimidate a woman or make a point. A lack of physical safety is a deal breaker with women. TRUSTWORTHINESS = LESS FIGHTING AND MORE SEX. When a woman feels emotionally connected to you and when you demonstrate your trustworthiness, the result is less fighting and more sex. Win-Win-WIN. YOU MIGHT BE A ZERO IF... You dismiss her emotions or immediately try to fix them. You use your voice, size, or strength to intimidate. You check your e-mail while she’s trying to talk to you or in other ways that don’t give her your attention when she needs it or asks for it. You don’t show up when you say you will. You check out other women when you are with her. You keep secrets. You lie. You cheat. You lie about cheating.  Chapter 2 A MIND OF HER OWN The Art of Understanding a Woman’s Brain LET’S BE CLEAR right off the bat—we’re not going to reinforce any stereotypes that are out there regarding the male brain and the female brain. You know the ones we are talking about. If you were to come across two brains (it could happen) and pick each of them up in your hands, there would be no way to tell the gender of either brain. One would not be blue and the other pink. One would not be made of slugs and snails and puppy dog tails, and the other of sugar and spice and everything nice. Male and female brains both are made up of three main parts—the cerebrum, the cerebellum, and the brain stem. An adult brain (of either gender) consists of about 100 billion neurons connecting at 100 trillion points. Now, male brains tend to be 10 percent bigger than female brains, but don’t let this serve as proof of any difference in gender intelligence. Male hands are about 10 percent bigger than female hands. Male torsos are about 10 percent bigger. For the most part, males are bigger than females, and the brain is no exception. As far as intelligence is concerned, brain size does not matter. So while we’ve established that the brain of a woman has the same parts as the brain of a man, it does operate somewhat differently in two important areas: rhythm and fear. Grasp the importance of these two areas and you are going to get your Hero badge for understanding a woman’s brain. Rhythm All human and mammalian bodies are rhythmic in many ways. We breathe rhythmically, our hearts beat rhythmically, our walking strides are rhythmic, our brain waves are rhythmic, our sleep–wake cycles are rhythmic, and much of our endocrine (hormone) systems are rhythmic. However, women are more complicated rhythmically than men, as their hormone levels rise and fall during each month with their menstrual cycles. That’s right. We’re going to talk about the menstrual cycle. Understand her menstrual cycle and the rhythms of a woman’s hormones, and you will understand much of what makes her tick—and what ticks her off. The holy trinity of female hormones—estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone—determines a woman’s day-to-day reality: what she values; how outgoing or active she is; what her needs are; and what, when, and even who she desires. You read that correctly—testosterone, often called the male sex hormone, is an equally important hormone for women. During the first 2 weeks of the menstrual cycle (when estrogen is peaking), women are friendlier, more talkative, more socially relaxed, calmer, and more emotionally sensitive. During the second 2 weeks of the menstrual cycle (when progesterone is peaking), women can be more irritable, more stressed, and less calm, plus they want to be alone more. They can also be more focused on their interior worlds and more creative. This is a general guideline and varies from woman to woman; it also changes as a woman gets older and goes through perimenopause and menopause. Many women experience an increase in irritability and insomnia in the perimenopause period (mid-forties to mid-fifties) that is exacerbated by stress. A Hero helps his perimenopausal partner take care of herself, get more sleep, and doesn’t take her mood personally. A woman’s needs and emotions can vary throughout her menstrual cycle, although the differences may be extreme for some women and barely noticeable for others. At ovulation, women may be more emotional and possibly more interested in sex, which we discuss in detail in the following section, “Sex and Hormones.” It is common for women to experience more emotional sensitivity, irritability, stress, and sadness when progesterone levels start to drop just before menstruation—commonly referred to as PMS, or premenstrual syndrome. This can occur just for 1 day or can last for an unpleasant 2 full weeks before menstruation begins. These symptoms can include mild to quite severe depression and anxiety. There are also physical symptoms such as headaches, backaches, cramping, and bloating. There are helpful things women can do to minimize PMS, ranging from exercise, avoiding caffeine, and taking B vitamins, herbs, or progesterone to full treatment with antidepressant therapy. As a man, you can be helpful by listening to her feelings (which are real, PMS or not), avoiding the temptation of blaming PMS for her emotional state (trust us, this will not earn you points, whether it is true or not), and not trying to fix it. Need help? Here is a common response we’ve heard, and then a suggested rewrite: WRONG RIGHT “Seems like every month or so you have “Sounds to me like you’re feeling really sad yourself a pity party, and I say, ‘Just get at the moment. Talk to me. I want to hear over yourself.’ You’ve got it pretty easy, as I what you’re thinking and feeling right see it.” now.” So although it is true that she might benefit from, say, less caffeine and more exercise, it would be better for your physical safety if you don’t mention that. Enough said? Some women really crave alone time before menstruation. One way that you can support her having some solitude is by taking care of your shared responsibilities so she can have some time to herself. In traditional cultures, there was often a place where menstruating women could go to be alone during this time of the month, where they could be relieved of tasks and have time for introspection and reflection. This tradition has been lost in the modern world, but if you can support her as she navigates the emotional tides of her hormones, you will be a Hero among men. Not every woman has a 28-day cycle (normal cycles can range from 20 to 40 days), and not every woman has the same PMS symptoms. General health, stress levels, and medications (including birth control pills) can also change a woman’s cycle, including both its length and the emotional intensity experienced during it. Bottom line: There’s no set rule that applies to all women, and your best bet is to become familiar with the cycle and needs of the woman you’re in a relationship with—while also knowing that all rules are subject to change without advance notice. What you need to remember is that the woman you were in a relationship with last week might not be the woman you are in a relationship with this week. The only constant is change. And the less you take her moods personally, the better off you will be. Believe it or not, her moods generally have nothing to do with you. “No, he’s not holding the place up. His wife’s sent him in to buy feminine hygiene products.” Hormones and Sex Hormones have a much more dramatic effect on a woman’s sex drive than most men realize. These hormonal peaks and valleys and cyclical changes in a woman’s emotional state can alter her desire for, and receptiveness to, sex. As one telling example, women tend to be somewhat more attracted to aggressive (alpha) men when they are ovulating and more attracted to kinder, gentler, more nurturing (beta) men when they are not. This may come from a natural cycle that has its evolutionary origins in women’s long-standing needs to have children that were strong enough to survive—and to find men who would love and protect their children to make sure they would thrive. These are obviously not conscious choices, and women can certainly override these unconscious impulses, but it’s important for men to know that they are not necessarily meeting the identical woman, in the living room or the bedroom, from day to day. And she does not want the identical man from day to day, either. Her needs, feelings, and thoughts may vary depending on where she is in her cycle. It’s also important to know that this fluctuating need for an alpha and a beta male at any given time does not mean a woman needs two different men. But it may mean that you need to adapt to and match the rhythm of her hormones and be both alpha and beta. This is what the Heroes do, the ones who know how to attune with their women not just emotionally, but physically, as well. She may want you to take a protector role one day, as the two of you are coming home late from a movie, and on another day, she might want you to take a nurturer role by cuddling up with her on the couch and talking about, you know, feelings. No wonder men are so lost in the land of women. Research has shown that men are aware of when a woman is ovulating, even if only unconsciously. A study published in the journal Evolution & Human Behavior tracked the tip money received from approximately 5,300 lap dances given by women in strip clubs.1 The dancers logged their menstrual cycles, their work hours, and their tip money, and it turned out that the dancers made 80 percent more money in tips when they were ovulating. They received the least amount of money when they were menstruating. And what’s really fascinating: Women who were on the Pill had no change in the amount of tips they received. (Women who are on the Pill do not ovulate at all and their hormones remain relatively constant.) It seems women aren’t the only ones driven by the hormonal changes associated with ovulation. Whether the men were unconsciously picking up on the women’s ovulation or the women’s ovulation was causing them to perform moves that increased their tips, there’s more going on below the surface than you realize. Many couples report an increased intensity to their lovemaking during ovulation, but women are by no means only aroused during ovulation. Unlike other primates, humans don’t go into “estrous” (heat), and many women are just as horny at other times in their cycle, including when they are menstruating. It should be noted that many woman have a hormonally influenced drop in sex drive with menopause, though this is by no means across the board. The good news is that women (as long as they’re getting help with vaginal dryness—a little topical estrogen goes a long way) enjoy sex just as much after menopause as before. They just may need a bit more coaxing to get there.  Another important hormone to be aware of is testosterone. And as we mentioned previously, testosterone is not the sole property of men. It is actually the engine of sexual desire in both men and women, but men have on average 10 to 100 times more testosterone than women do. Men’s brain centers for sex (found in the hypothalamus) are twice as big as the sex centers in women, and indeed most men think about sex about six times more often than women do. As comedian Billy Crystal once said, “Women need a reason for sex. Men just need a place.” And although in general men have stronger sex drives than women, this is by no means the rule. There are plenty of couples where the woman’s desire for sex is equal to or greater than her partner’s drive—and this is also normal. In men, the brain centers for sex and for vision are closely linked, which is why just looking at women turns men on. And although women appreciate an attractive man, how a guy looks is not necessarily the reason a woman is attracted to him. We will discuss this more in Chapter 5, where we get into the science of seduction. It is also the case that testosterone levels are higher in men during adolescence and young adulthood and, consequently, the sex drive peaks at those ages. For women, the sex drive doesn’t peak until the thirties, making for interesting challenges and opportunities as long-term relationships mature. Men and women often find that their sex drives align more closely as they enter their forties and fifties. Women and Fear Lynn and Mike are both in their fifties, married for more than 20 years, and full of stories about the ups and downs of their relationship and marriage. They had struggled with meeting the demands of a blended family, balancing two busy careers, and negotiating financial issues that always seemed to come up. Often, during the course of their marriage, it seemed as if they just didn’t understand each other. They struggled to find their roles as a man and a woman, a husband and a wife. Lynn believed she and Mike couldn’t grasp each other’s way of viewing the world. “It was like we spoke a different language, and you know how when you are speaking to someone who doesn’t understand English you end up yelling really loudly, thinking that will make the other person understand your language? It was like that for us. We were each speaking a foreign language and yelling louder and louder in hopes that the other person would magically understand and start speaking our language.” Lynn goes on to add, “The problem was that I was trying to relate to Mike as if he were female—a big, hairy female—and I think he thought of me as a weaker, punier version of a man. We were stuck.” Both Lynn and Mike were frustrated by a marriage that seemed to have turned more into a weird form of competitive living than a partnership. In desperation, Lynn grabbed Mike and brought him to a workshop about understanding women. Mike felt like he had been trying to understand Lynn for decades, but he went along for the ride. He imagined the person teaching the workshop would decipher the code or explain to him why women just couldn’t think rationally, like men do. The woman who was leading the workshop began by asking one question: “This is for the men, first. How many of you have ever feared for your life or your physical well-being?” After a long pause, a few of the 50 men in the room raised a hand. “When was the last time you feared for your life or your physical well-being?” There was an awkward silence for a bit, but eventually the men started raising their hands to answer. “Well, there was this one time way back in high school when I got into a fist fight,” one man explained. Another said, “Once, about 10 years ago, when I had too much to drink and ended up in a really bad neighborhood in Los Angeles. It was just for a moment.” “In Vietnam,” said a third, who was a veteran. As each of the men answered, it became clear that the awkward silence wasn’t about feeling uncomfortable answering the question, it was because they were struggling to remember a time when they felt fear for their safety. All of the examples the men gave were from 10, 20, 30, or more years in the past. Next she asked the women. “How many of you have ever been afraid for your life?” Every female hand in the room went into the air. “How many of you have been afraid in the last 6 months?” Again, every hand went in the air. “How about in the last month?” “The last week?” Every hand was raised. Finally she asked the question, “How many of you were nervous or fearful walking through the hotel parking garage to come to this workshop?” Again, every hand was raised, including Lynn’s.  Mike was stunned. He had no idea Lynn experienced fear. He wasn’t afraid, so he assumed she wasn’t afraid. He thought about the times he had told her he would meet her in the car. The times he walked in front of her on the street when they were out. “That one example,” explains Mike, “changed everything between us. I realized I had been assuming she viewed the world through the same lens I viewed the world through—and it was eye-opening.” Lynn was just as astounded that Mike hadn’t felt fear for his physical well-being in 30 years. “It was one of those things that made us look at each other differently. What else didn’t we know about each other? What else was there to learn?” In that workshop, Mike learned something critically important about women—they experience fear in a very different way than men. It is a sad reality that women feel more vulnerable in the world than men do—and by vulnerable, we don’t just mean emotionally. In this case, we are talking physically. Another sad reality is that one out of four girls has been sexually abused by the age of 18, and that number is higher (just using logic makes this true) if you consider unreported cases. In Japan, women ride a special pink train that’s just for them because they fear being groped. Fifty percent of women in the military have been raped or sexually assaulted in some way. Women are twice as likely to develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after trauma as men are, which in turn leads them to be even more fearful in the future. Women no doubt evolved this greater sensitivity to threatening situations in order to stay safe. It’s hard to know how much is nature and how much is nurture, but we also live in a world that conditions women to feel afraid for their safety and well-being. Men are typically not conditioned this way. And because of this, men and women have huge differences in how they view fear, safety, and danger. It is easy to demonstrate these sex differences in the psychology laboratory. The late Loren McCarter, PhD, a senior research analyst with the Behavioral Health Sciences Department, and his mentor, professor Robert Levenson, from University of California, Berkeley, conducted an experiment in which they fired off a gunshot behind their volunteer subjects. Levenson and McCarter were testing the startle reflex in men and women. Both genders had the same startle reflex, but different reactions to being startled. In general, men’s heart rates went up much more than women’s and took much longer to recover. The kicker to this study, however, was this: When they asked men and women what they were feeling after having been startled, women reported feeling afraid. Women felt fear. Men reported feeling angry, and some also had a desire to get even with the experimenter.2 Imagine you are driving in your car, about to take a woman out to dinner. A car cuts you off in traffic, coming incredibly close to hitting your front end. There is the initial startle both of you feel, but then you get pissed. You race up behind the driver of the other car and get as close as possible so he knows you are mad. Meanwhile, the woman next to you, who was also startled but felt fear rather than anger, is made even more fearful by your aggressive response to the other driver. What do you do? What does a Hero do in this instance? A Hero, realizing a woman’s response to being startled is quite different than his own, backs off from the other driver and turns his attention to making the woman next to him feel safe. What men need to know is that high stress causes men to get less fearful, but when women feel high stress they get more fearful and are more likely to be afraid in the future. Women are more likely to feel fear in response to a stressful situation than men are. Women also experience much more fear over the course of a lifetime, and once they feel fear in a situation, they will be even more afraid when that situation arises again in the future. Think about this. Think about the women in that workshop Mike and Lynn attended who felt fear daily. This is the reality that women live in, and a deeper understanding of this can change not only your understanding of women but your relationships with them, as well. In the first chapter, we mentioned that women need to feel emotionally and physically safe with you. This isn’t just good advice, it’s advice based on their biological and physiological needs, which are different than yours. In a critical study, University of Virginia psychologist James Coan, PhD, together with Hillary Schaefer, PhD, and Richard Davidson, PhD, monitored women in a functional MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) machine while they were subject to the threat of electric shock. In one set of experiments, each subject held her husband’s hand; in another, each woman held the hand of an anonymous experimenter; and in a third, no one held the women’s hands.3 When a happily married woman held her husband’s hand, the fear response was completely shut down in her brain (specifically the amygdala, for you neuroscientists). When she held the hand of her husband but she didn’t consider herself happily married, the fear response shut down a bit, but not all the way. When she held hands with a stranger, there was no change in her fear response. It was the same as when she held no one’s hand. These results show that your touch is very effective, and even holding hands can have a powerful effect on a woman. So what are you to do, after learning how fear and fear conditioning work in a woman? Where do you begin? For starters, when a woman is afraid, hold her hand. Even better, try to help her avoid feeling afraid in the first place.  CHEAT SHEET for HEROES RHYTHMICITY. Understand the effect of hormones on the day-to-day emotional state of a woman. Know that these influences are different in every woman and will change in a woman as she goes through different stages of her life. Her sex drive and what she needs from you will also change depending on where she is in her cycle. Ask questions to find out what she needs. FEAR. Women experience fear differently than men. Women are more easily fear conditioned, meaning that if you both go through a fearful experience, she will be twice as likely to feel fear again in a similar situation. Offering comfort to a woman when she is afraid can immediately shut down her brain’s fear response. That is, of course, assuming she’s happy with you. If she’s unhappy with you, your comfort may not be effective. YOU MIGHT BE A ZERO IF... You ask her if she’s having her period or “PMSing” when she is angry, emotional, or moody in some way. You dismiss her fear as irrational. You don’t offer comfort when she is afraid or fearful. You grope her or engage in any unwanted sexual activity. You walk in front of her rather than behind or beside her when you are walking together on the street. There’s a reason the codes of chivalry have a man walk on the outside: to protect his partner. You don’t respect her physical or emotional vulnerability. You purposely frighten her because you think it’s amusing (or because you now want to check out her startle response after reading about that study). Dating a Woman  Chapter 3 READ MY HIPS Understanding Women and Attraction JOHNATHAN SAT AT the head of the table. He spoke first, and then the other five people around him took turns speaking. When each was finished, they looked to him for approval. Every suggestion made was tentative until he validated that the course they were on was correct. He could think on his feet, strategize, and make decisions quickly and unequivocally. He held an erect and commanding posture. Anyone walking into the room would have no doubt that he was the person who held the power. Sandra had gone out with Johnathan a few times. They were nice enough dates, but she hadn’t felt a whole lot of chemistry between them. She had almost relegated him to the friend zone—but then she sat down at this table and watched him do what he did best. As she listened to him dispatch orders with confidence, fairness, and imagination, Sandra found herself, for the first time, incredibly attracted to him. She felt the spark. She saw him as the master of all he surveyed. And it was around this particular table, during this particular game of Dungeons & Dragons, that Sandra began to fall in love with the man who would someday become her husband. After all, who doesn’t fall in love with the Dungeon Master? Okay, so maybe you’ve never played Dungeons & Dragons, but you can embody the same qualities of the Dungeon Master that Sandra found so appealing. And what were the top qualities that attracted Sandra? Confidence, intelligence, and high social status. Now you might be wondering how being the Dungeon Master implies social status to anyone but a select group of role-playing nerds, but it does. Social status is contextual. In that context, Johnathan was the power broker; the commander in chief of the living room table. As Dungeon Master, he had the highest status in the room. In real life, he was a part-time barista and college student. But in that living room, in Sandra’s eyes, he was nothing less than a Hero. Mad Skills Napoleon Dynamite had it somewhat right when he said, “Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.” Now you might not have nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, or computer hacking skills, but whatever your skills, women will be attracted to the expertise you demonstrate in your particular area of interest. In other words, if you collect stamps, be the most powerful, high-status stamp collector there is. If you collect garbage, be the most fascinating, knowledgeable, and powerful garbage collector you can be. Women are attracted to men who are the CEO and president of... themselves. We’re not talking about arrogance, however. There is a big difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence will attract a woman. Arrogance will repel her faster than you can say, “Help me shave my back.” Confidence comes from being secure in your abilities. Arrogance actually comes from being insecure in your abilities. Of course, before you can tell her about your wicked collection of vintage paint by number artwork, you have to get her to talk to you. And before you can get her to talk to you, you have to get her interested in talking to you. And before you can get her interested in talking to you, you have to get her to notice you exist on this planet of 7 billion people—of which 50.4 percent are men. Sound like a lot of work? It’s not. But there’s good news and bad news. The good news is that there are a few nonverbal cues you can send that will make you appear to be confident, intelligent, and high status. The bad news is that research shows that it’s the woman who ultimately controls whether or not a man approaches her. That’s right. You may think you have the best pickup lines invented since primitive men stopped using clubs, but those lines (like the earlier clubs) are virtually useless. Now some men will want to automatically reject the research findings that show they are not exerting a supreme act of free will when they choose to approach a woman, but whether that approach happens at a dog park, bar, music festival, bookstore, or coffee shop, it is the woman who is giving your subconscious the cues that she is approachable and who beckons your “free will” into action. Long before you decide to make your move, a woman has either given you the signals that she’s interested or she’s displayed disinterest. (These are the “you don’t have a chance in hell” gestures.) Now some men choose to ignore the disinterested signals and approach regardless, and this is where the rejection happens. All men have their rejection statistics, but if you look closely at any given situation, the clues were probably there if the odds were against you. A single woman will scan a room and instantly (and often subconsciously) determine which males are attractive enough for her to send the “approach me” smoke signals to. Don’t, however, let the word “attractive” fool you. Attractive is not just about physical features—it is also about your nonverbal cues that let a woman know you are high status, a protector, a provider. In other words, the cues that let her know you are a Hero, rather than a Zero. But let’s talk about physical features first. All men worry about how they look. And here’s the sad fact: Most men, as well as most women—regardless of how objectively attractive they are— think that they are unattractive. In one study men were asked whether they thought their penis size was above average, average, or below average. Most men said that their penis size was below average—a fact that is statistically impossible. So, what physical features do women find most attractive in a man? The answer is symmetry. That’s right, symmetry. Research shows that women are most drawn to the few men on the planet with symmetrical faces. So if the left and right sides of your face match up perfectly, you will most likely be a god among mere mortals, and women will be sending approach signals to you so quickly that you will need ninja-like skills to dodge them all. It turns out that roughly 53.5 percent of men have symmetrical faces, while roughly 58.5 percent of women have symmetrical faces.1 So, what about the rest—the symmetrically challenged? Short of hiring a plastic surgeon, their best option is to show through body language that they are worthy of attention. Asymmetrical men have to send cues that will cause women to send their cues, which will then make the men think they have come up with the brave and brilliant idea of approaching these women. It’s an intricate dance, but all animals do it because of this small thing we like to call evolution. When you are at the grocery store buying your single- serving Hungry-Man dinner, you are probably not thinking about future shopping opportunities at Babies“R”Us; but all humans, including the women you are trying to attract, are biologically driven to try to reproduce with the person who will give them the most viable offspring. That’s how the species survives, and that’s how humans operate at the most basic and unconscious level. So, when you are in the frozen food aisle and a woman with a perfect hip-to-waist ratio walks by, it doesn’t matter that your plan is to stay single until you are 60 years old and to never have children—you will still find yourself, for the 100th time that day, suddenly thinking about sex. You (and she) are biologically driven, and the only thing that gives you a chance in hell of actually having that woman notice you is sending out the cues that indicate you are good mating material. This woman (and every woman) is operating under extreme evolutionary pressure to value certain qualities in a male. (Again, this is true whether the woman wants children or not.) Fail to send those cues and you can look forward to many, many nights spent eating Hungry-Man dinners alone. Take Up Space The first behavior that will make a woman pay attention is what scientists call “space maximizing.” Think about it: The person who takes up the most space is considered the socially dominant person. This is true in the social systems of animals and in the social systems of humans. This is why the CEO of a company has a large corner office or why Jabba the Hutt was sprawled on a large throne with Princess Leia (and everyone else) below him. Researchers Lee Ann Renninger, PhD, T. Joel Wade, PhD, and Karl Grammer, PhD, from the University of Vienna sought to determine the nonverbal cues that males give to increase the likelihood of females choosing them. After all, if it is the woman who initiates the approach from a man, how does she quickly and—without any background check whatsoever—choose which men to signal? Their observational studies, published in Evolution & Human Behavior,2 document the nonverbal behavior or body movements of males before they make contact with women. The men who “successfully made contact,” meaning they didn’t get slapped, shunned, or otherwise publicly rejected, had very different body language than the men who were unsuccessful in their approach. The men who were successful were space maximizers, showing their dominance in the social setting by stretching out their legs, throwing an arm around their chair, or otherwise owning the space they occupied. The men who were successful also made “significantly more glancing behaviors.” This means they looked a women in the eyes and often accompanied that with a smile. (Otherwise, staring a woman down is just creepy.) Successful men also made fewer “closed-body movements”—think of folding your arms across your chest like a schoolboy being scolded. If you are in a group of people and are practically hugging yourself, you are not going to be seen as socially dominant.3 Never stand with one arm across your torso holding onto your other arm or crossing your legs at the knee—you might be comfortable, but from an evolutionary perspective, you can kiss your offspring goodbye. Social dominance is also shown by what researchers call intragender touching. This amounts to something as simple as you slapping your buddy on the back or throwing an arm around his shoulders, mano a mano. This signals social dominance and will make you more likely to get the go-ahead signal from a woman. On the other end of the spectrum, research has also shown that if you are someone who fidgets or makes crazy, random nervous gestures with your hands, you’re going to appear less confident, less socially dominant, and therefore less desirable to women. As we said in the beginning, women are attracted to confidence. Do you think the Dungeon Master could have displayed a nervous tic while making his decisions and still gotten the girl? Not a chance. Now if this seems like a lot to remember, it will help you to think of the Clark Kent/Superman dichotomy. There is definite face symmetry shared by both, but Clark Kent was nervous; he stammered, fidgeted, fumbled, and did not get the girl. When he was Superman, he was confident, took up lots of space, and did not hesitate to go after the bad guys. His x-ray vision didn’t hurt, either, when it came time to exhibit those glancing behaviors. When we say women are looking for a Hero, rather than a Zero, you can’t go wrong if you model yourself after Superman. STRESS IS NOT SEXY Acording to research by Fhionna Moore, PhD, from the University of Dundee, women find low-stress men much more attractive than men with higher levels of cortisol (a stress  hormone). Apparently remaining calm is another one of those evolutionary advantages that women are very attracted to. If there’s a saber-toothed tiger attacking your cave, no woman wants a man who is going to freak out and end up fainting from all the excitement.4 You Know She’s Interested When... Sonja is a beautiful woman—we’re talking supermodel level and up. But Sonja is often heard to complain that she rarely gets asked out on a date. Her girlfriends tell her that men are intimidated by her, but the truth is, Sonja is simply not giving out the signals that she is approachable. To men, she is an ice queen—not because of her regal beauty, but because she doesn’t send out the nonverbal signals that indicate openness and approachability. Now, men might not consciously know that this is what’s going on (until now), but to them Sonja appears to be standoffish, or even unfriendly. Whether or not men are interested in a woman is not strongly related to her objective attractiveness, but instead to the nonverbal signals she sends out. Of course, men need to interpret the signals correctly. Psychologist Monica Moore, PhD, of Webster University, observed over 200 women at singles bars, restaurants, parties, and other places. From her observations, she created a list of 52 things women do when they flirt. Women tilt their heads, give a particular man short glances, dart their eyes if he looks, run their fingers through their hair, lick their lips, and expose their necks. These women showed their palms to the man, hiked up their skirts a bit, revealed more of their legs, turned in their seats, or caressed an object, sometimes in suggestive, even sensual ways. They walked across the room, swaying their hips, and brushed by a man, touching him fleetingly with their thighs or breasts. Their actions were often subtle, but all were definite signals that a woman was interested and approachable. Many of these gestures are ones that women do unconsciously, not even knowing that they are doing them. In short, when it comes to the intricate dance that men and women do when they are attracted to each other, meeting for the first time, and engaged in flirting, the women are in control—they are the choreographers. When Dr. Moore scored a woman’s nonverbal behaviors, they predicted a man’s approach to her with over 90 percent accuracy. If she wants you, she will put a bid in your direction. The most common bid is direct eye contact. A smile. Repeatedly glancing at you and away from you. These are the signals; what you do with them is up to you. A Word of Caution Women will also let you know through nonverbal behaviors and cues when they’re not interested. Now if you choose to approach without having gotten the signal, you are risking a high rejection percentage. Just as a woman will give clear signals when she wants you to approach, she will also give clear signals that are the equivalent of a No Trespassing sign. If you approach a woman and she continues to talk to her friend, she’s not interested. If she won’t make eye contact with you while politely engaging in small talk or she is looking over your head and scanning the room, your chances are less than zero. If she yawns or leans or turns away, you need to move on. Now there are times when a woman is interested but may be particularly shy about making eye contact. In this case, she may show other signs of social anxiety, such as stuttering when she speaks to you or saying “ummm” a lot while speaking. But she will engage in conversation. Shy or not, if she’s not interested, she will send you the cues to make that clear. Where men go wrong is thinking that she will suddenly become interested once she finds out how fascinating, rich, or muscular they are. When she says no to a dance, a drink, or a conversation it does not mean that you should try harder. Rejection sucks, but no always means no. If you find a serious lack of interest from multiple women, day after day, or night after night, take another look at the cues you are sending. The point isn’t to keep knocking on doors to find out who’s attracted to you; the point is to make yourself as universally attractive as possible. And attractive, as we’ve discussed earlier, has many, many components. Women find funny men more attractive, because humor is an indicator of intelligence. Women don’t like meekness in a man, either, because meekness makes men seem less confident and less ambitious, and therefore weaker from an evolutionary perspective.  Remember to look into her eyes, smile, stand up straight (posture indicates confidence), and don’t fidget. Channel your inner Hero, your inner Superman, and when all is said and done—if she’s not interested, don’t make it personal. If she doesn’t want you, you don’t want her. Mutual attraction is the only attraction worth having. Biology and experience draw you to certain people, and that’s something you can only exert so much control over. We’ll discuss this further in the next chapter. As John’s mother used to say, every pot has a lid, and all you can do is become the best, most attractive pot you can be. Your lid is waiting. Women are attracted to confidence and high status. Become the best “you” possible and exhibit the nonverbal behaviors that indicate social dominance, such as space maximization, male-to-male touching, relaxation, and looking into her eyes and smiling. Avoid fidgeting, poor posture, folding your arms across your chest, or crossing your legs at the knee. Women control whether men approach them by exhibiting a series of nonverbal cues and indicators. Learn the signs that indicate she’s interested. She repeatedly glances at you and looks away. She leans toward you while talking. She points in your direction with her leg, foot, or shoulders. She plays with or tosses her hair. She fidgets with a piece of jewelry (like an earring) or strokes the stem of her glass. YOU MIGHT BE A ZERO IF... You ignore the signs that she is not attracted to you and pursue her anyway. Signals of disinterest include: She doesn’t make eye contact (unless she’s shy). She yawns repeatedly when you talk to her. She leans or turns her body away from you. She looks over your head or scans the room. She tells you she’s not interested in you. Additionally, you are not helping your cause if: You think hygiene and clothing don’t matter. You think drunkenness is attractive. You don’t make eye contact or smile at a woman you’re interested in. Your posture or demeanor indicates weakness or you otherwise look like someone who can’t keep her safe. You can’t differentiate between confidence and arrogance. One is attractive to women; the other is not.  Chapter 4 FIRST IMPRESSIONS Do’s and Don’ts of Dating I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it. —Garry Shandling WHEN JOHN WAS 13 years old, he had his very first date. Her name was Linda. Poor, poor, Linda. John had no idea what a person did on a date. He thought about asking his parents, but who asks their parents for dating advice? He couldn’t ask his cousin because she was only 5 at the time, and her idea of a date involved a tea party with stuffed animals. John decided to seek information at the only place he knew to seek information—the public library. He scoured the shelves for a book about dating. There were none. He asked the reference librarian. She asked him to leave. Nearing panic, John went to the local bookstore and bought the first book he found that he thought might give him something, anything, to talk about on this date. It was a book of 10,000 jokes. He memorized about 300 of the jokes before his first date with Linda. Then Aaron came along. Aaron was 3 months older than John and wise to the ways of women and dating. It was 1955, and Aaron was John’s wingman long before the term had ever been invented. Aaron told John the jokes were a good idea, but then he also told John that the one thing he needed to know was that “girls were real slow and stupid.” He advised John to take Linda to a movie. Then he told him exactly what to do. “Put your arm over the back of her chair and move it real, real slow. Girls don’t notice this approach if it’s very slow. Then slowly let your hand drop and grab onto her breast. She will love it, and you’ll have the sex with her that night.” Aaron always called it “the sex.”  As soon as Linda opened her door, John started with, “Did you hear the one about the traveling salesman who asks the farmer if he can spend the night at his farm?” And he didn’t stop during the entire walk to the movie theater. He regaled Linda with joke after joke, right up until they sat down in their seats in the theater. The movie began, and John very suavely put his arm over the back of Linda’s chair. Slowly, slowly, he inched his hand closer. He touched her shoulder. She didn’t flinch or jump; she didn’t seem to notice at all. Aaron had been right. Girls were stupid and John was going to have “the sex.” John felt his arm start to go a bit numb and tingly from the awkward reach around the back of the seat and the stretch down toward the breast, but still, millimeter by millimeter, he advanced until his hand was poised and ready to strike. And then his arm went completely numb, he lost all sensation, and his hand landed with an unceremonious thump right on top of Linda’s breast. This, she noticed. Linda gave John a dirty look, grabbed his arm, and flung it off her body with enough force that it knocked John completely off his chair. John lay on the floor of the movie theater and realized that sex was probably out of the question and this dating thing was too hard. Climbing back into his chair, he did the only thing he really knew how to do. “Did you hear the one about the drunk who goes into a bar?” Poor, poor, Linda. Follow the Clues We assume that if you are reading this book, you are past the age of 13, but you still may be just as confused about the world of dating. As you learned in the previous chapter, women control whether or not a man approaches her by giving nonverbal cues. You may think you are in the driver’s seat, but the woman is the one who signals a green light for go or a red light for stop right there, don’t even attempt to drive that car in my direction. Now, sometimes men get confused by the signals—what if it’s a blinking red light, a yellow light, a flash of a green light? Could the signal be broken, did you miss it, should you drive forward anyway? Here’s a quick and easy test to check your signal reading ability. Let’s say you are at a crowded club (or a coffee shop, or a concert, or the dog park). You see a woman look at you, smile, and then look away. She does this repeatedly. But then you start to wonder—could there be some Brad Pitt–looking guy right behind you who is space maximizing up a storm and you don’t even know it? Is she really looking at you? How can you be sure? It’s simple. Walk to the other side of the room. Or move to another table in the coffee shop. Or the far end of the dog park. Then see if she finds your eyes and starts the glance, smile, and look away routine all over again. Unless that Brad Pitt look-alike is creepily shadowing your every move, then you can be sure she is giving you the signal to approach. Now it’s important to remember that she is only signaling her interest in saying hello. Her first impression of you (without knowing anything about you) is strong enough that she’d like to know a little bit more. It’s up to you to make your next first impression. The First Conversation We already discussed that the number one thing a woman is looking for in a man is trustworthiness, and that this means that you simply are who you say you are and you do what you say you are going to do. The goal of dating (if you are dating in hopes of finding the lid to your pot) is to find someone genuinely interested in you for who you really are, not who you are pretending to be while on a date. You don’t have to be ready to find your one true lid. There’s nothing wrong with dating a variety of lids. That is, after all, how you find out what lid is right for your pot. However, if your goal in dating is simply to have a lot of anonymous sex with anonymous women, there are probably other books that can tell you how to seduce women into bed under false pretenses. We have nothing against sex, casual or otherwise, as you will see in Chapter 9. But the premise of this book is that you are learning what every woman wants so that you can be the you that women will want most, not so you can pretend to be someone else just to score or deceive women. If trustworthiness is about creating safety (physical and emotional), the way you create safety in a conversation is by being a good listener and being genuinely interested. John failed during his first date with Linda because he didn’t show up as himself and because in all of his planning of the date he never once considered the date from Linda’s point of view. You have to put the woman, rather than yourself, at the center of any encounter or date. John also didn’t invite conversation. Instead he simply memorized what he was going to say. In 1955, jokes like John told were the equivalent of cheesy pickup lines—a means to an end that has nothing to do with the other person. Approaching a woman with a line rather than interest in getting to know her will get you nowhere fast. A woman may humor you a bit, but you are not being the man every woman wants. You are being another one of those guys. You know the ones we’re talking about. The ones who approach a woman and say, “Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call fine print!” Women are impressed with a guy who has emotional energy, who is passionate about whatever he’s talking about, and who asks questions and really listens to the answers. In the Love Lab, we found that successful couples reported that their first impressions were positive and not superficial. It wasn’t about how handsome or beautiful someone appeared to be, it was about interest, warmth, and a genuine desire to get to know the other person as a real person. Women are looking for transparency and honest conversation. If she asks you what you do for a living and you are vague, she won’t feel safe. If you are talking to her and scanning the room (or scanning her breasts), she won’t feel safe. If you ask her a question and then interrupt her answer, or you fail to ask a follow-up question related to her answer that shows you are really listening, guess what happens: She doesn’t feel safe. Women can be more tentative in conversation, especially first conversations, so put out the welcome mat of interest and invite her to talk about herself. Then make space for her to talk. Don’t hurry her along and don’t finish her sentences for her. In other words, don’t dominate the conversation. Every woman has a story and your job is to invite her to tell that story. Ask her questions about her work, her life, and her interests, and keep it positive. If she starts thinking about negative things, she’s going to associate those negative things with you. Say, for example, you ask her what she does for a living and she answers that she’s an attorney. What do you say next? A Zero will make a lawyer joke or say okay, and then ask her another question. A Hero will follow up with deeper questions: “What made you decide to go into law? What do you love about it?” Listen to her answers and ask follow-up questions. If she says she became a lawyer for her parents, and she hates the law, then you can ask her, “What would you rather be doing?” Ask her open-ended questions. Open-ended questions are answered with more than a word or two; they can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. Their answers contain longer descriptions, explanations, or mental meanderings. They turn a finite question into an infinite answer. They are invitations. If the work questions seem like they are going nowhere or are not inspiring her to tell you about herself, you can ask another open-ended question: “What do you love to do when you are not working?” You can ask her where she’s from or where she grew up—these are closed-ended questions—but then ask her what it was like to grow up there. What were high and low points about growing up there? Conversation is an art, and it’s an art that puts the other person at center stage. During this first conversation (and all future conversations), look into her eyes while she’s speaking. A study by psychologists from Clark University had strangers gaze into each other’s eyes for 2 minutes. This mutual eye gazing produced rapid and dramatically increased feelings of intimacy and affection among the strangers.1 Now don’t get all creepy about it. Remember to blink now and then—it’s not a staring contest. There’s a fine line between mutual gazing that inspires feelings of affection and relentless staring that makes her suddenly wonder if you’re a serial killer.  Another point to consider during this first conversation is the tone of your voice. Professor David Feinberg, from the Department of Psychology, Neuroscience, and Behavior at McMaster University, is the director of the Voice Research Laboratory, and his studies over the last decade have shown that lower-pitched voices in men are considered more attractive to women, and also that men with deep voices have more children.3 His research also looked at US presidential candidates between 1960 and 2000 and found that in all eight elections, the candidate with the lower voice won the popular vote. So channel your inner James Earl Jones rather than your inner Mike Tyson when speaking to a woman. Try to speak at your fundamental frequency. To find your fundamental frequency, stand in the shower and use your thumb and index finger to lightly pinch the bridge of your nose. Now hum, varying the frequency. Your fundamental frequency causes the bones of your nose to vibrate the most. Actors use this pitch range to project in a theater without causing voice strain. Anxiety makes the pitch of your voice rise. Speaking naturally within your fundamental frequency, you are more likely to get her interest and get the date. And if you run for president someday, you’re also more likely to get her vote. Be aware that this voice business is subtle. In other studies, it was a “breathy or tender” deep voice that got the girl, rather than an aggressive or intimidating deep-pitched voice.4 As always, you want to attract her, not scare her. The main point is that people like people who like them. If you like her, show her through words, actions, and your conversation and listening skills. Undivided attention is a powerful aphrodisiac. You can also draw on the power of the unconscious mind. Famed social psychology researcher John Bargh, PhD, and his team at Yale University found that people naturally match each other’s body language. (Think of a group of people all standing around in a circle, crossing their arms.) This is called “social glue.” Subjects in their lab liked the researcher more and thought the interaction went better when the researcher had been mimicking the subjects’ body postures and movements. People naturally take on each other’s mannerisms and like each other as a result. You can use social glue on a date, as well. It happens automatically if you look at the woman—and pay attention. We’re not suggesting you be overly contrived about this and don’t want you to be flipping your hair back if she’s flipping hers. Just pay attention to her words and her body language, and you’ll start getting the social bonding going. The next step is obvious: Ask for her phone number or ask her out on a date. And when you do ask, if it’s appropriate, touch her forearm while you do it. Research shows greater compliance to a request if you have “light tactile contact.”5 So touch her forearm for 1 to 2 seconds while you are asking for a dance, or her number, or a date. It’s another way of indicating your social status and confidence. Remember that it’s a light touch—gentle and brief contact. Don’t hold her arm in a death grip until she complies or come across as overly familiar. Brief. Playful. Confident. All of this advice is given under the assumption that what you are seeking is a date and eventually a relationship—not “the sex.” There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex—everyone does. But the man every woman wants isn’t a pickup artist or a hustler. He’s real. He’s a Hero, not a Zero. In the next chapter, we’ll discuss how to make your move when it’s time for seduction, but for now, all you are doing is seducing her into seeing you again. There’s a difference between men and women when it comes to sex with someone they’ve just met. Psychologists Russell D. Clark III, PhD, and Elaine Hatfield, PhD, conducted two experiments in which a male or female (of average attractiveness) approached an opposite-sex undergraduate and asked one of three questions. 1. Would you go out tonight? 2. Will you come over to my apartment? 3. Would you go to bed with me? The great majority of males were willing to have a sexual liaison with a complete stranger, but not one woman answered yes to the third question.6 Psychologist Martin Voracek, PhD, in Austria, repeated the study and found that the female acceptance rate of women was not zero, but 6.1 percent.7 Still, it’s a relatively low figure compared to the men. Of course, if you’re like Lloyd in the movie Dumb and Dumber, you may be thinking 6 out of 100 is pretty good odds. “So you’re telling me I have a chance,” he would say.  We are not telling you to ask 100 women to go to bed with you, even if you live in Austria. We’re telling you that women, for understandable evolutionary reasons, need to be more selective about their mates, so you’ll need to pay attention and build trust during every stage of the courtship dance. CEOS WITH DEEP VOICES Researchers at Duke University found that CEOs with lower voices manage bigger companies and, as a result, make more money. The research specifically found that a decrease in voice pitch of 22.1 hertz translates to an increase in company size of $440 million in assets. They also found that CEOs with lower-pitched voices earned an average of $187,000 a year more than CEOs with higher- pitched voices.2 The First Date The nonverbal mating cues have been sent, the first conversation went well, and you’ve asked her out on a date—now what? Dating is another way to demonstrate your Hero status. It’s not about how much you spend; it’s about putting her front and center. You can plan a special date that doesn’t cost a lot of money—a picnic, a hike, a trip to a free museum or cultural event. Be creative. Be playful. Plan an adventure. We’ll let you in on a little secret. Riding a roller coaster, bungee jumping, or doing something else adventurous with a little bit of fear mixed in can be helpful on your date. The physiological response to fear is quite similar to the physiological response to arousal. The right amygdala—the part of the brain where you most experience fear—is also one part of the brain where you experience sexual arousal. The two can often get confused. Hormones also play a powerful role. When you engage in an activity that is new, exciting, or dangerous, the same hormonal brew (dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine) gets released as when you fall in love. So do something exciting and adventurous together on your date— arouse your central nervous systems and arouse each other. Dating is also about continuing the conversation and getting to know each other. Ask her about her interests, her passions, her life dreams, her bucket list. Find out where she’s traveled and what she loves to do. Ask her who her best friends are, and find out what they are like and what she loves about them. Ask about her family or pets (if she has any). Ask her where she went to school, and supply open-ended questions about what learning she did that most caught her attention and imagination. Now there’s a fine line between interrogation and conversation, so be sure to really listen, rather than have it seem like you are checking off a list of questions like it’s a job interview. Body language is still important. Hygiene is also important. Being a gentleman is most important. Open doors, walk on the busy side of the sidewalk, walk in stride with her, demonstrate your protective instincts. Ask yourself how a Hero would act and you’re more likely to get another date. So be protective, be a gentleman, and also—this is most important—be fully you. Be prepared to share your own passions, your own interests, and your own life dreams. But listen first. Talk about your best friends, tell her what they’re like, and talk about where you have traveled and what you loved and hated about traveling. Unlike men, women are much more geared for collaboration, not competition, so if you are discussing something and you have opposing viewpoints, don’t tell her she is wrong. You can say, “That’s interesting. Tell me more.” After listening and responding with interest, it’s okay to say, “Okay, here’s my viewpoint,” but don’t present your differences in a way