Tehani Maielua's 20s Journal PDF

The personal journal of Tehani Maielua. A Native Hawaiian woman navigating her twenties on Oʻahu, Hawaiʻi. This journal covers a little over two years. Kēkēmapa 5, 2022 I firmly believe that twenty is the age when people start to seriously debate the question: what legacy will I leave when I die? You may have pondered the idea of your legacy when you were younger. Perhaps when you were a seventeen-year-old senior filling out college applications that asked for your academic and career goals. Stupid questions to ask a seventeen-year-olds who knows nothing about the job market. Anyway, those ideas of your legacy were just hopes and dreams. Not as real as when you think about it as a twenty-year-old. The difference is the two in twenty. Twenty means that you’re young but no longer a child. Twenty is adulthood. Barely. But, adulthood nonetheless. And the things you consider in your adulthood demand careful consideration. Here I am. I’m a twenty-year-old realizing that my legacy is completely, honestly, and a little painfully - boring. In high school, I never did anything that would piss my parents off. I was terrified of getting in trouble and always told myself that I would do all the crazy things that average people do when I was in my twenties. I thought, “I’ll be an adult by then! Free to go out and not worry about the judgment of my peers”. What I didn’t realize is that at twenty, I would be more scared, anxious, and insecure than my teenage self ever was. Looking back, I was so socially unaware as a teenager. I honestly believed that if no one knew me, no one would notice what I did. I would laugh and talk with my friends as loud as I wanted. During free periods, my friends and I did whatever stupid impulse came to us. We acted as if behind a social shield because we were in one another’s presence. Completely invisible except to one another. We would joyously scream in echoing halls and accidentally bang multiple strangers walking by because we were too engaged with one another. No apology or concern for those around us. I could never do that now. At twenty, I learned that people are always perceiving people. That might be my biggest fear. I miss the naivety of my teenage years. But, I would never want it back. I’m happy to be twenty. I just think that maybe all of this could be better. That’s my goal with this writing. I’m hoping that writing down my intention to create a better legacy will form it into existence. Law of Attraction or something like that. Here’s the legacy I’m currently leaving behind: I’m the eldest daughter, working at my childhood elementary school, and a full-time online college student currently in my third year. The oldest sister part is a whole thing that I’m too exhausted to even elaborate on right now. Just know that’s important. I work at an elementary school. I love feeling like I’m involved and helping my community. I hate little kids. The two balance out. My college journey has definitely been unexpected. During my freshman year, there was a global pandemic. I did that entire year at my Grandparent’s House. I saved so much money. I still had to take out a ten thousand dollar loan. So, can you imagine how much poorer I would be if I went in person? I did go to Arizona for my sophomore year, but only for one semester. I learned a lot about myself that semester. If I don’t have my parents reminding me, I won’t eat. Also, I hate living away from home. Since then, I’ve been studying online with no intention of going back. If I stay at home, my education is free. Nothing is better than free. That’s pretty much all the big things about my life. Now that it’s all written out, it doesn’t look too bad. Now I feel silly that I even thought my legacy was not up to par. Are there even expectations or standards of legacy? If there are, I have my twenties to learn about it. Kēkēmapa 7, 2022 I came home at three in the morning. It’s the latest I’ve ever stayed out. I also drove home slightly drunk. For legal purposes, this didn’t happen. In terms of the integrity of my writing, yes it did. I will say that it was the best I ever drove. I was with a group of my best friends and a group of people I met for the first time. An awkward but oddly relaxing mix. I played drinking games I had never heard of before. Didn’t really like it. I think I prefer dancing. It reminded me of the fact that I have never gone to a club. I wonder if I would like that? A small part of me says I would. Another small part says I wouldn’t. A big part says I would be too anxious the entire time to actually enjoy it. I didn’t wake up hungover the next morning. I did wake up craving frozen yogurt. Kēkēmapa 19, 2022 I dyed my hair red today. Ultra bold red in a box from the Walmart up the road. It didn’t turn out very ultra bold but I like it. Everyone should dye their hair red at least once. Except for natural redheads, I guess. Kēkēmapa 25, 2022 Christmas is weird when you’re older. When I was a kid, Christmas was the most magical day of the year. I was one of those kids who truly believed a magical man existed to give children gifts. I was a naive kid. Probably still am. Kēkēmapa 31, 2022 I got home at three in the morning again. I went dancing at a bar tonight. I went with a couple of friends and my friend’s co-workers. Hot tip: If you are out with a group of lesbians, all the other lesbians are going to flock to you. I had a lot of fun. I sipped my friend’s drink and we later found out there was a nail in it. Not a toenail. A metal nail that you drill. Also, an uncle excitedly screamed in my ear when the DJ started to play “Bidi Bidi Bom Bom” by Selena. Ianuali 1, 2023 New Year might just be my favorite holiday. Maybe I just love my version of New Year. I love that my family gets together to cook and eat Hawaiian food. I love popping fireworks. I love our family tradition of gathering with each other just to forgive one another before the year ends. Forgiveness has always been a constant part of my New Year. It’s time I learn to forgive myself. This year, my goal is to grow up and let myself be stupid. I spent my whole life being so scared of being dumb. When, in reality, I’ve been really dumb the whole time anyway. I’ve always been called innocent and naive. I can’t really decide which one bothers me more. I went with my cousins to the park again. This time, Kaena brought his girlfriend so I actually had someone to talk to. She and I jumped the park gate so we could use the bathroom together. I like her. We just drank and smoked weed. Typical. We saw a car doing donuts on the street and then slam into another car. Not so typical. Ianuali 13, 2023 I made out with a Navajo guy at Sandys. He went to Arizona State and lives here now for school. Never knew him in Arizona. He dropped me off at home at four in the morning. It’s now the latest I’ve ever stayed out. Ianuali 28, 2023 I lost my virginity. Navajo guy. Who would’ve thought? Not that I’d lose my virginity. That the guy I’d first have sex with would be Navajo. I always assumed he would be Hawaiian. I think that might be racist. I’m not dating Navajo guy. Honestly, we wouldn’t be good together. He would be a bad boyfriend and I would let him. Sometimes I hate that my family taught me about forgiveness. Prior to tonight (for some stupid reason), I told him a story about my old movie manager. I deeply regretted telling him and pray he never brings it up again. Sidenote, I bleed all over Navajo guy’s sheets. He said it was okay but it really was a lot of blood. I feel bad. I don’t think I’ll see Navajo guy again. That might be for the best. Navajo guy did ask me why I waited. I told him I didn’t know. I lied. I just wasn't ready before. The Navajo guy isn't from here and the odds of running into him later in life are super small. I like that. Navajo guy didn’t need to know all that. I was also just tired of being looked at as naive. I did tell the naive reason to Navajo guy. He said that wasn’t a good reason to have sex. He’s probably right. I am talking to another guy. I’ll call him Surfrider. If you’re thinking I’m a whore, I wouldn’t blame you. Now, this guy would be a really good boyfriend. Pepeluali 2, 2023 Surfrider said we should hang out and get something to eat. I don’t want to call it a date since he didn’t call it that. I’m excited. Pepeluali 5, 2023 Two days ago I told Breeze about the Navajo guy. She asked me when his birthday was. I told her I have no idea. I thought that was pretty funny. She also updated me about her and Jake. I really like Jake. He’s a good guy. When they get married, I’m positive I’m going to cry. Last night, I went over to Jake’s house to hang out. I ended up leaving early. I saw the Navajo guy again. I’m realizing I can’t keep calling him “The Navajo Guy”. So, I’m just going to call him Navajo. Anyway, I did end up seeing Navajo again. He told me I got so much blood on his shirt it looks like tie-dye. I wanted to die. He also told me about how he could never cheat because his dad is a chronic cheater. I don’t know how to take that. Navajo and I are not together. So, if he is talking to or seeing other girls, I don’t care. I just don’t know if his cheating comment even meant anything. I’ll assume it doesn’t. Last night did make me feel guilty about Surfrider. I know if I was him, I wouldn’t want to be seeing someone who plans to continue hooking up with someone else. I know Navajo’s birthday now. It was kind of funny timing. He asked when my birthday was and it turns out he was born six days before me. Pepeluali 12, 2023 Today’s the 2023 Superbowl. Eagles versus Chiefs and Rhianna is performing at halftime. I’m obviously rooting for the Eagles. Last night I hung out at Jake’s house. I spent the night drinking Breeze’s pink Moscato and playing card games. I still fucking suck at playing cards. We also played beer pong. I still suck at that too. I haven’t talked to Navajo in over a week. Safe to say that’s done. Now, I can reflect. Do I regret it? I don’t regret sleeping with him. I regret allowing him to be on my mind when we weren’t together. He was a good distraction, but simply unnecessary energy. What did I learn about men? They don’t clean up after themselves and have really watery hand soap. What did I learn about sex? Men really do believe you if you say you came, even if you didn’t. What did I learn about myself? I can be brave when I want to be. I think I’ll take a break for men for now. I’m going to Disneyland soon and the only guy I want to think about is Mickey Mouse. Pepeluali 13, 2023 The Chiefs won. Disgusting. But, Rhianna slayed. This entry actually has nothing to do with the Superbowl. After the game, I went to get frozen yogurt and ate it by myself in the car. In my defense, I am on my period. For some odd fucking reason, I can’t get over Navajo. Not so much to get over him as a person. More so that we won’t be hooking up anytime soon. I think I’m just horny? Again, in my defense, I am on my period. As I ate my frozen yogurt Navajo just kept popping back into my mind. In true me fashion, I romanticized a version of him that I imagined. To help me get over this fake version of Navajo, I will be listing all of the reasons we would’ve never lasted: He had serious mommy and daddy issues. You have to pick one. He obviously doesn’t have closure from his last relationship. He wants to live on his native land and I want to live on mine. Indigenous struggles. His hand soap was pure water. His place was always messy. Like, an unreasonable amount of mess for one person. He gave me a UTI because I don’t think I ever saw him wash his hands. Refused to take off his shirt. I thought that was weird. Always wore socks. Again, weird. He didn’t understand Hawaiʻi culture, yet judged it quite a bit. I didn’t understand what he was saying sometimes and I know he didn’t understand me at times. That’s all I can think of right now. Hopefully my brain gets the point. Pepeluali 21, 2023 It's surprising how much can change in a week. Where do I begin? Well, don't be too disappointed, but I saw Navajo again. I'm irritated with myself for being horny. I'm disgusted reading that sentence. One good thing: I'm completely over the fake version of him I made in my head. I also may be completely over him. I told my brother about the Navajo situation & he was surprisingly a very good person to vent with. I just feel like I know too much about Navajo’s life. There's no way I should know this much about someone's trauma when I've only just met them. Mika agreed. He said, "You're fuck buddies, but you're not actually friends." The next day I went out & ate dinner with another guy. He'll be "Rainbow Fish". He's local but looks haole. I took Rainbow Fish to Leeward Drive Inn & thought he was gonna get jumped by a group of local guys. I'm for sure not seeing him again. He smelt like fish. Pepeluali 26, 2023 Side note, I randomly got my period this weekend. I had it last week. It’s a heavy flow too and I’m so confused because I literally just had it. I realized I haven’t talked about work in a while. Mostly because work is the same as it always is. The students are good on some days and horrible on others. They give me headaches but will also find ways to make me proud. I know I could be a teacher if I wanted. I think it would make me happy too. On Friday, the custodian caught this fat rooster. He put it in a box and took it home to eat. Mom and Grandma’s birthday is this week. Mom is going to be fifty. She doesn’t feel fifty. Dad, on the other hand, feels fifty. We’re going to Disneyland to celebrate and I’m so excited. I saw Navajo again. We didn’t hook up. I was disappointed and very confused about what the point was. He ate (I wasn’t hungry) and talked at the beach. I know too much about this man I’m telling you. He’s an oversharer. Or I’m just a heartless bitch. I went to Jake’s again on Saturday. I’m getting better at drinking games. This time we drank Blue Hawaiians. I drank one and was done. Breeze and Lexi drank four and were all buss. Palu in the bushes kine buss. Malaki 10, 2023 Disneyland was amazing! Grandma is the type of kupuna I want to be. Malaki 12, 2023 I learned a lot about myself and for that I'm grateful. I learned that I can miss the validation a person gives me more than I miss that person. I learned that I'm emotionally unavailable, delusional, and likely have self-esteem issues. I learned that the first step in healing myself is by being honest with myself. It feels good already. I'm manifesting a spring break of healing and returning to my roots. I have a series of affirmations that I think will really benefit me in this process. Here it is: I am as bright as the Sun. I am as beautiful as the Moon. I am as kind as the Stars. I am worthy of affection. I am worthy of desire. And I do not doubt myself. I'm sitting at the mall currently but I wanted to go to the ocean. The weather wasn't working for me. I miss the sun. I shaved my legs earlier and I'm wearing shorts now. I've found myself continuing my affirmations when negative thoughts about my past or current self arise. Weird how the mind will do that. I'm now at the basketball court and affirmations are continuing to cross my mind. I think in a good way. Hopefully. I believe them a little more now. I tried saying them to myself while looking I'm the mirror. If that's weird, please don't tell me. Sitting in the car repeating my affirmations. I realized that for the affirmations to work I need an end goal for them. My end goal is to love myself and to be in a space where my love for who I am outweighs any other stresses in my life. Malaki 15, 2023 I've been to the beach three times since my last entry and it still doesn't feel like enough. Affirmations are going well. I've had myself face the reality that a lot of times, I miss the fantasy of a person rather than what we actually shared. Seems obvious right? A part of me knew it at the time. It's just that a larger part of me didn't want to acknowledge it. I saw a TikTok about sharing with the universe a "password" that only your soulmate would know. I honestly don't know if I believe in soulmates. But the idea seemed fun. Here's my password: If he says my beauty reminds him of the Moon. Now, what boy would actually say that? Speaking of TikTok, I posted a public video for the first time & random people are liking it. It's kind of funny but it also scares me that random people are seeing me. I've come a long way from someone who used to hate being perceived. Malaki 17, 2023 I'm going to hang out with a boy tonight. Let's call him Ninja. Not too sure how I feel about it. Earlier today I tried to go to a Farmer's Market by myself. I couldn't handle it. I feel like I have some sort of social anxiety. I am shy. But, I wouldn't say that's anxiety. I can talk to individual people in conversations even if I don't know them. There's just something about being out alone in public with a large group of people around me that I can not handle. Anyway, I stayed for five minutes and then left. I spent more time trying to parallel park. The boy I'm seeing tonight is on his way. I'm nervous. There's a fifty, fifty chance we'll have sex. On one hand, he's Mormon. On the other, he's driving from Laie to see me at 11 pm. Malaki 18, 2023 I'm lying at the beach right now surrounded by haoles. It's sunny so I guess that makes up for it. Ninja was a horrible kisser & his tongue tasted weird. I do not want to see him again. While I was out with Ninja, Navajo called. I really don't know what I want to think about that. Malaki 21, 2022 The third graders are learning how to read a clock and determine how much time has passed. One of my students asked who invented time. I asked the students what they thought. One said it must have been an old man. Another said it must have been an old woman. I said whoever did invent time must have been old. Now that I think about it, the person that invited time was probably young. They were probably just around someone who was old. Would the old person even realize they were getting old? The young person would notice. Malaki 23, 2023 I know I've said this before, but I am over Navajo. I'm over him and the entire arrangement. I never loved him. (Not that I ever wanted to love him. This is a segway) But, being with him made me realize that I don't know how to love in a way that's healthy. I love the way I was taught. I was raised to love unconditionally. I was raised to understand that love is forgiveness and acceptance. I still believe those things. However, I've developed a love that prioritizes my forgiveness for others over my sense of self-worth. I remember when I was young, probably five at the time, I was with my mom in her bedroom. We were talking about how much we loved each other. She told me she loved me more than all the stars in the sky. I told my mom I loved her more than I loved myself. She cried and told me not to say that. Mom tells this story sometimes. Each time she says it, I get a sense of pride in the person I was. Every person I loved, who I loved in the way I've always loved,has hurt me in some way. I honestly forgive them. People aren't perfect. Love can’t be either. I just think there must be a way to love that doesn’t hurt so much. Malaki 24, 2023 I think I'm getting sick. I’m hoping it’s just allergies. I need to eat more vitamins. Malaki 27, 2023 I’m sick and it’s not the allergies. I just saw a tarot card reading on TikTok about new love. I'm not sure how I feel about tarot cards, but I do think everything in this life happens for a reason. No matter how random it seems. The message of this particular video resonated and I oddly felt the urge to write it down here. What caught my attention was when the tarot reader said someone new could be reaching out tomorrow. It also highlighted the letter S. The tarot reader in the video emphasized that not everything in the video could possibly be for everyone. Which makes sense. The reader said to just feel what resonates with you and that’s the universe giving you a guide. Patience, faith, and worth were also values that stood out. Another random detail is a white feather. Malaki 27, 2023 I'm almost positive the new love that came into my life today was self-love. I love that. ʻApelila 1, 2023 To Haoles, ʻApelila is the first day of Spring and the first day of a new astrological cycle. They say ʻApelila is when new beginnings and changes really begin to manifest. I've never really thought of ʻApelila as significant except for all the birthdays. But, I do enjoy the sentiment. Mika and I hung out with our cousins tonight. They are so silly. Most of the silliness is because they're young. They reaffirmed that I come off as innocent and naive. In Ianuali, that would've irritated me. Now, I've accepted it. I think most people confuse my shyness for innocence. I've learned that the naivety people perceive in me is based on truth and I have to learn to accept that truth. ʻApelila 23, 2023 Well, it's been a pretty eventful weekend. I drunk-texted Ninja. I'm not as embarrassed as I thought I would be. Navajo texted me too. The interaction made me annoyed. I might have a date on Saturday with a guy I’ll call Soldier. I'm honestly confused about it but whatever. There's another boy texting me. I don't know what to call him, but he's a little weird too. At the moment, I'm at the beach with none of them. Thank god. ʻApelila 28, 2023 Supposedly I have a date tomorrow with Soldier. I'm confused with this man. We texted constantly this entire week & now I'm pretty positive he's ghosting me. I'm not hurt. Just irritated that he wasted my time. I mean at least let me fuck. I'm no better than a man. Anyway, I just got into a pretty major fight with my mom. We yelled at each other on the freeway. Mei 3, 2023 It’s finally a new month and a lot has happened. First, I actually did end up hanging out with Soldier. I asked him to pick me up because I was really tense about my fight with Mom and just couldn’t be around her. We went to his house, drank, and watched movies. He was a really awkward guy but it made me feel more confident. At the end of the night, I slept with him. He dropped me off the next morning at nine. Since then, he asked how I was doing and hasn’t texted since. In his defense, I did leave a pretty dry text. I’m debating if I should text him again or just wait for him to reach out. I guess we’ll find out. Navajo has been texting recently because he wants to fuck. If he catches me at the right time it’ll probably happen. He hasn’t yet. Every time he texts I can’t help but roll my eyes. Ninja asked me a while ago when’s the next time we can hang out. I’m just going to avoid that for as long as possible. Another thing I’m avoiding is meeting up with the other guy I’ve sort of been talking to. He needs a name at this point. I’ll call him “Canoe”. I’ve pushed back our plans twice already. Mom and I had a serious talk about our fight. It made me feel a little better. I truly do forgive her. It’s just that the conversation left me with other feelings I don’t know how to deal with. When I first started this writing, I did it to help me discover my legacy. But, as I think back, what I really wanted was to discover life. I think that I was under the impression that if I expose myself to all the things that average twenty-year-olds experience, then people would stop seeing me as naive. The truth is, I am naive. I am most naive when I try to perceive myself. Mom and I talked because she could tell that I was holding on to my hurt from our argument. After our talk, I forgave my mom but painfully realized that she doesn’t fully understand me. She really thinks she does. I’m not mad at her for that either. In fact, I’m happy she feels like she knows me so well. She just doesn’t. I’m not telling her that anytime soon. I’ll let her keep that comfort. I deeply appreciate that she recognizes my hurt, but I can’t help but be sad she doesn’t fully understand my hurt. It’s confusing. I know. I was hurt because she did all of these mean drunken things, forgot all those things, and then lied about those things as if they never happened. For instance, one mean thing she did was not accept the apology I begged for her to accept. When talking to Grandma today, Mom insisted I never gave her an apology. She then changed the story and said she remembered my apology but didn’t think it was genuine. I was mad she lied about never getting an apology. I was hurt that she said it wasn’t a real apology. It was real. I remember begging her to accept it. I remember being in that moment and reminding myself that I was raised to understand love is about forgiveness. It reminded me of other times in the past when she’s denied the apologies I’ve given. There aren’t many of these instances but they are moments I never forget. Growing up, Mom always said, “Everything will be okay once you apologize”. I would apologize and expect her grace. Only to be disappointed. Another mean thing she did was call me a disrespectful bitch. It reminded me of the other truly hurtful things she’s said about me in the past. In Elementary, she called me useless. Last year, she told my siblings that I was a mean person. Last weekend, she called me a disrespectful bitch. She doesn’t honestly believe any of these things. I know that. But, I can’t help but hold onto them. She apologized after each of these instances for her words. She even said that she knows I’ll never forget what she said. I don’t know if it's the words themselves that I’ll never forget, or the feeling that followed once they were said. The feeling of not being good enough. I hate that feeling. During our talk, Mom reminded me that we love each other and that we must forgive. I do forgive her. It’s not that hard. She doesn’t understand me but I wish so badly that she did. My siblings don’t understand me, not completely. My friends don’t understand me, not fully. I want to be understood but I don’t even understand me. Those boys I talked about earlier. None of them understand me and none of them want to. That reality hurts me sometimes. I am desperate for someone who craves a complete understanding of me. Someone who desires an understanding of me. I realize that’s a lot to ask for considering I don’t even have a full understanding. I want to know why I can’t get rid of the hurt. I want to know why I can’t stand the feeling of not being good enough. I want to know what it’ll take for me to understand myself. I want so much. The only thing I can do now is think and cry. Mei 11, 2023 Last week, I saw Navajo again. We didn’t have sex. I'm not really sure why I went. I don't know. There's a new boy in the mix. He'll be called MMA. I slept with him. I told him I don’t want anything serious and he seemed cool with it. He's a sweet boy. He is a little awkward and he definitely has an anxious attachment style. I accidentally gave him a hickey. He bit my lips so hard they were bruised. Mei 17, 2023 I was supposed to see MMA tonight, but his Mom told him to stay home. I messaged Navajo today for some odd reason. He didn't respond and there's a part of me that hopes he never does. In our last conversation, he was talking about getting me pregnant. While I'm sure it was only to get a reaction out of me, it sent me into a spiral of panic. MMA sends me good morning texts. I'm not sure if he was telling the truth about not wanting a relationship. I don't know how to feel about him. Mei 21, 2023 Last night, I went to Jake’s house and helped celebrate Breeze’s 21st birthday. I had lots of fun talking about bleaching assholes and telling my friends about my fight on the freeway with my mom. I feel like it’s time I mention Jake’s friends since I’ve got to know them better. First, Jake and Breeze are getting married. He hasn’t proposed but it’s clear to me that when they both separately picture the future, they see the two of them together. I hope I don’t cry too badly at their wedding. Next, Taron and Lexi. Their future is more unclear to me. They don’t make sense together, yet they work really well. I don’t know how to explain it. I honestly don’t know if they’re getting married. But, they’re both in love and are the type of people to not give up on the people they care for. If they do end up together, they’ll be happy.. Jake and Taron have these other friends that are slowly becoming part of my life too. Sam and Brooke are two of the friendliest people I’ve ever met. They’re a couple that makes sense. Brooke reminds me of why I’m always going to be a girls’ girl. She’s going to be a good teacher. Sam is nice too, but there’s something a little off. I don’t know. I think it’s that I heard he cheated on Brooke once. There are others but these are the only ones that matter right now. At Jake’s House, Jaydeen and Olivia showed up too. I love those two. I’m worried about them both. Jaydeen’s boyfriend makes me mad because of the way he treats her. Olivia deals with a lot in life and tries to deal with it alone. I’ll do what I can and be there for them. I really want the best for them. I want the best for all of my friends. Navajo has been popping in and out. I can honestly say it’s whatever. MMA is now a friend. We text every day. I sent him photos. Sometimes he’s needy. I’ve found myself missing his texts during times when he isn’t needy. I’m setting myself up again. I can see him becoming a real friend to me. I’m scared I’ll care for him the way I do with all my friends. We both said we don’t want a relationship. A little part hurts when he talks about how he hasn’t met the girl he’s ready to date. It’s confusing. He talks about all the things he misses and wants in a relationship, sleeps with me, then talks about how he’s not ready to date. I might do the same thing to him now that I’m thinking about it. I’m scared to care more about him. Even if it is just as friends. Sometimes I cry about it. How these boys I sleep with and talk to never want me for more than sex and the attention I give their egos. Sometimes I think that’s the type of girl I’ll always be for men. The girl who makes you feel good, but not the one you keep around. The one you’re willing to see, but not the one you take seriously. I’m not the girl you slowly fall in love with. I’m not the girl who changes your mind. I don’t want to manifest that. I am the girl who teaches kindness and compassion. I’m the girl that shows you that nice people with good intentions still exist. I’m the girl boys look at and know they deserve better. I’m the girl who makes you fall in love with life. I am a girl that a boy will love. Mei 28, 2023 It's officially summer break. I've decided that I will be committed to myself this summer. Here’s an update: MMA continues to be a good friend. I don't know if I'll sleep with him again. Soldier has randomly popped back into my DMs. Navajo continues to be someone I don't know how to deal with. All of this energy I'm using to figure out men is why I've decided to make a new commitment to myself. It's working because it's a weekend and I'm not worried about receiving male attention. I took a Plan B for the first time this weekend. It truly was an accident. The condom slipped. MMA didn't respond too well. He was concerned and apologized a lot. Anyway, the whole disaster proved to me that a healing era is much needed. Mei 31, 2023 Mei has gone by too quickly. I now have a 21-year-old best friend and a 13-year-old little sister. Time does a good job of making me feel older. Working with Kindergarteners does a good job of keeping me young. My healing is going well. I'm staying off dating apps and trying to limit my time on social media. But, I'll be honest, I'm still open to the summer romance I've been manifesting. I think it'll help if I'm more specific about the feelings surrounding my intention. Excuse me but I'll now be speaking in the present tense. Helps with the manifestation. I have a connection this summer that brings me love, joy, and peace. As an individual, I bring love, joy, and peace into my own life. My summer connection makes me feel valuable. My summer connection makes me feel there is someone who wants to know me and keep me in their life. My summer connection doesn't make me doubt or question the feelings between us. My summer connection brings me love, joy, and peace. Iune 2, 2023 I just saw a TikTok about a girl who, instead of writing down goals for a new month, writes a letter to her future self. I thought that was very sweet so I'm here to do that now. Although, if I really think about it, this whole document is kind of a letter to myself. Dear Tehani, I pray the end of Iune is treating you well. By the time you read this, you will have successfully completed another Summer Learning Hub. It's money well earned and I hope you are proud of the work you put in. Give yourself some credit. You're helping five-year-olds learn how to read and you don't even have your degree yet. Now that work is done, enjoy your summer. Rest and find peace. Here are some reminders that you might need: please cancel your life insurance, deposit your tax return, and plan for law school. I honestly have so much hope and excitement for what this summer will teach you. I also want to remind you that you are full of worth. Give Aloha to all things, including yourself. Aloha must be shared even with those we do not understand and those we have difficulty accepting. Have an amazing summer. You deserve it. Aloha nunui loa, Hani Mai Iune 6, 2023 Summer Learning Hub just started and I think it’s going well. I forgot how cute five-year-olds are. I’ve got a pretty solid self-care routine down. I journal about a bible verse and an ʻōlelo noʻeau on Sundays and Wednesdays. I try to find their meanings and use that to guide my week. Both writings remind me of my upbringing, so this practice gives me a sense of reconnection. And while my Catholic faith isn't what it used to be (and maybe it never will be), there is meaning to be found. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I work out. But, I have been trying to walk every night. Something about getting my body moving feels good. I've also gotten into the habit of listening to Ted Talks by Hawaiians. I have learned a lot so far. They remind me that as a Hawaiian, I still have much to learn. It's humbling. My most consistent habit so far has been talking to Hina. My journaling has taught me that connection with Creation is valuable. Working out has brought me more outdoors. The Ted Talks tell me that ancestors can always be found in nature. So, my Talks with Hina feel like those lessons are all tied into one. It's comforting to look at Hina and recognize her as an ancestor and a goddess. Hina's never the same when we talk. Just like me. She changes and goes through cycles. Just like me. I won't lie to Hina. There's no point. Iune 17, 2023 It's been a while. I realized that I should talk more about my gratitude and the things I'm blessed with. Not as dramatic. Iune 25, 2025 It's the end of another busy weekend. On Friday, I saw my friends. We laughed, drank, and talked about Kangas Khan. On Saturday, I slept in and had sex with MMA. I truly don't know if I want to see him again. On Sunday, I went to the beach and went to the movies. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about being kind. I hope I'm kind now. I pray I'll be kind tomorrow. Grandpa really was onto something when he said "In a world where you can be anything, be kind". Every time I try to be less kind, it never feels good. I try to be less kind when being kind hurts. But, it hurts more to hold kindness in. Being kind in spite of. That's the real goal. Iulai 2, 2023 It's a new month and I've grown. A lot happened this weekend. I saw my friends, smoked weed with my cousins, went beach, and went to a craft fair. I am fulfilled. I've relapsed a bit on the healing. I won't be seeing MMA again. If I'm honest, I didn't really care to. He texted me and said he found someone to pursue seriously. I told him I didn't want anything serious. That was the truth. But, I don't know. It still hurts a little. Iulai 6, 2023 It's three in the morning and I can't sleep. So, I'll be answering these prompts I found that supposedly deal with self-love and healing. 1 thing I need to let go of … my lack of faith in nā akua, ancestors, and the universe. I always say I trust the things that have made and surround me. I feel like I have to always reassure myself to have that faith. I'm not sure if faith is supposed to need reassurance. 2 pieces of advice for myself … try your best & always be kind. Both are equally difficult. 3 of my best talents … being able to laugh in any situation, hula (although I'm not very good), and making others laugh. 4 activities that make me feel good … swimming, tanning, reading, & listening to TedTalks of Native Hawaiians. 5 affirmations for myself … I am worthy of love. I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy of peace. I am worthy of all my desires. I am worthy of every blessing in my life. 6 people I love having in my life … obviously my two parents, two grandparents, and two siblings. They are each a piece of my heart outside of my body that I take for granted. 7 things I do to remove stress … nap, go to the beach, play Sims, go on a walk, talk to my friends, read a bible verse, and read an ʻōlelo no'eau. 8 simple things that bring me joy … rainbows in the morning, butterflies who cross my path, the sound of waves coming ashore, when I can smell the flower in my ear, when kids begin getting comfortable with me, the odd spots of cold water when I'm swimming in the ocean, finding something good at the thrift store, and laughing so hard I can't breathe. 9 things, places, or people I'm thankful for … the beaches that hold memories of my childhood, Waipahu, Breeze, Uncle Jason, Aunty Judy, drinkable water, Princess Pauahi, my childhood blanket, & the lāhui. 10 things I love about myself … my brown skin, my flat feet, my ears that look like my dad's, my nose that looks like my grandma's, my beauty mark that matches mom's, I have my family's sense of humor, I have my family's sense of pride in our family, I have my family's understanding of respect, I have my family's understanding of forgiveness, and I love that I come from Hawai'i. Iune 7, 2023 I need to release Navajo. Not so much him as a person, but the fantasy I built around him. For a long time, I felt like there was no boy in the world who looked at me as an object of desire. Navajo showed me I was wrong. But, I no longer want to be an object. I want to be the person someone chooses to love. I need to let go of my hope that Navajo will be that person to prove me wrong again. I do not want him. I want the potential he held as someone who could show me I am not my doubts. I've come to realize that I can be that person myself. Iulai 9, 2023 I am so stupid. I texted Navajo. But, I didn't go to see him so I do still have a bit of dignity. I've been texting MMA too. I really wouldn't date him. However, I would sleep with him again. I think I am in my slut era. I think "Fuck him" but then actually end up doing it. Anyway, I want to write more personal and deep things. There's a list of prompts I'll be answering. Here's the first one: What am I most afraid of others finding out about myself? I don’t think this is what I most fear others finding out, but it’s definitely up there. I am afraid my family will find out how reckless I am. I have been a responsible and quiet child my entire life. I hold a lot of pride and have built my sense of identity around being the child my family can depend on to be good. If they knew the reckless things I do, I'm afraid they'd be disappointed. I don't want them to look at me and think "I raised you better than this". I continue to be reckless and wonder how long it will be until I regret it. Iulai 10, 2023 I saw this journal prompt that helps to manifest my desires. Right now I feel tired but motivated to become a better person. I am grateful I can spend time making good memories with my family. I am proud that I did my skincare routine tonight. It shows I have the motivation to care for myself. I am calling love into my life. I want someone to choose to desire me in a way that is more than just physical. One thing I can do to help this is by having standards for who has access to my emotions. Iulai 12, 2023 Another deep journal prompt. What is the biggest lie I have ever told myself? Probably every time I said I forgave myself. I don't know how to forgive myself for the harm I've caused myself. If I could talk to myself, I don't know if I could even say sorry. Iulai 21, 2023 It’s been a while since my last update. A lot has changed. That’s usually how time goes. Turns out, I was more attached to MMA than I wanted to admit. We’re done. I honestly didn’t expect to like him. I didn’t expect to be hurt by the things he would say. Yet, here we are. We were never anything and I made sure of it. I think I hurt him too. When I was young, I never admitted when I had a crush on someone. I’ve realized it's because I am scared to be vulnerable. Terrified of being exposed and seen. I never admit when I’m hurt. I never admit when I’m truly scared. I want to use this entry to write a letter to MMA. For closure. Dear Shane, I don’t want to disturb your peace, but a selfish part of me does. I hope you keep the peace that you’ve found. I don’t know if I could have given that to you. Sometimes, I wish you gave me the chance to try. I didn’t think you were my type. You are the nice Filipino boy my parents would love if I brought home. I usually go for the boys my family would hate. The boys that are toxic. Gives me an excuse for why we could never be serious.The first night we met, we said what we would be. Friends who fucked. You said you wouldn’t date me. I said I wouldn’t date you. Then, you texted me every day. You told me good morning and good night. You told me about yourself. I gave you the nickname MMA because I knew you liked the gym and watching fights. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t know so much about you. Here’s what I never told you: It hurt when you talked about the girls you wanted to date. It would hurt when you’d stop texting me for them and return when it wouldn’t work out. It hurt to be reminded that I was the girl you didn’t want to date, but the one you would fuck. I know I told you repeatedly that I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. I know you would tell me that you were looking for a relationship. But, you never asked me to be something more. If you asked me, I would have said yes. If you looked at me like someone you wanted more with, I would have agreed. If you chose me, I would’ve picked you too. Sometimes, I think about the peace I may have had with you. A peace that was never offered. That snaps me out of it. Iulai 28, 2023 A new boy is in the mix. He'll be Bowling Boy. Not sure what's going to happen. I’m also talking to another guy. I’ll call him Mekiko. We met at Ala Moana. He had nice hair. His glasses made me smile. ʻAukake 1, 2023 I have caused a lot of chaos since my last entry. First, Bowling Boy is very sweet but the physical connection wasn't really there. He was nice to talk to though. I don't think I’ll be seeing him again. I talked to Shane again. He talked to me. Asked if I could see him again. I blew it up. I made it so that he'd never text me again. It's for the best. To get over it, I've had sex with Mekiko. We had pretty good sex. I'm afraid I'll be attached to him too. ʻAukake 5, 2023 I saw Mekiko again. I know I'll get attached to him. It's kind of odd. He's not someone I would think is my type. It's easy flirting with him. Maybe that's the part I like best. The sex is good. Because I'm a reckless idiot, I'm waiting for another boy to pick me up. ʻAukake 8, 2023 Astrologists say today is when the “Lion Gate Portal” opens up for the universe. A day of extreme energy leading up to a period of luck. Basically, this is when Hokupaʻa perfectly aligns with the Sun. This cosmic shift welcomes the energy that we wish to see in our lives. I don’t know if I believe in all astrology has to say. But, the idea that Creation has a plan makes sense to me. They say that today is when you welcome good energy into your life. I tried to do that today. I got a lot of rest. I hope my body, mind, and soul will be more at peace moving forward. I texted some boys today. I hope passion and bravery will stay with me. I texted my friends. I hope that my friends will continue to be a source of joy and happiness in my life. I cleaned my workspace and began to plan for my future. I hope this means I will have luck on my side as I enter a grown-up world. I journaled about the Bible and an ʻŌlelo Noʻeau. I hope this means that the foundation of who I am will continue to be strong and a space I can return to for support. I really like what I journal about today. It seems the theme that Creation wanted me to see was protection from wickedness. The Bible says that Ke Akua does not welcome evil. The ʻōlelo noʻeau says that a mind fortified within is protected from evil. I was a bit conflicted at first. I believe that Ke Akua is Creation just as much as he is the Creator. The spirit and power of Ke Akua is in all things. I was confused about how evil could exist. I also refused to believe that anything part of Creation could be evil. But, the Hawaiians also saw this evil. So, it must exist. Perhaps it is not as menacing as it sounds. Perhaps evil is just things not meant for you. Things not meant for you will harm you in the end. I’ve come to the conclusion that we fight “evil” (aka the things not intended in our lives according to Ke Akua) by reconnecting to Creation with our spirit, mind, and soul. I have ten minutes to manifest. I am manifesting a successful academic future. I have graduated with my bachelor's degree and am moving on to law school. I feel so proud of myself. I am manifesting a joyous birthday celebration. I feel happy and grateful to be surrounded by so much love. I am manifesting a productive and fulfilling work life. I feel glad to have the job that I do. I am also manifesting love and relationships. I feel seen and appreciated for who I am. ʻAukake 8, 2023 Here's a little roster update. Starting with Soldier and Ninja. They’re out there, but I don't really give a fuck. The soldier will randomly watch my stories. Ninja will randomly call me when he's in my area. Somehow, Soldier is worse. Nothing ended up happening with Bowling Boy. We made out in his car once but the physical chemistry wasn't there. Hope he's doing well though. MMA is out for good. I disrupted his peace and he taught me that a boy can be a sweetheart and a scrub. Navajo continues to be a side conversation. We'll text each other to hook up but nothing ever happens. I hope I never see him again. The two front runners right now are Mekiko and a new boy. He'll be Motown. Mekiko obviously wants something casual. That's probably why I'm more interested in him. I'm figuring things out with Motown but it seems like he wants a relationship. I wish I was more physically attracted to him. Mekiko is the better kisser. Motown is the better flirt. ʻAukake 29, 2023 Last weekend I turned 21. It was easily the best birthday I ever had. Mekiko slept over the night before. He was the first person to tell me happy birthday. I don’t want it to mean anything. I had a lot of firsts. My first time having sex in the shower. My first time having sex on my period. My first time having sex without protection. I don’t regret the first two. However, I do regret the last thing. It did feel better, but the guilt afterwards isn’t worth it. Next time I see him, I’ll tell him my new limits. I’ll only have unprotected sex with guys I’m exclusive with. I’m not sure how that’ll turn out. After he left, I grabbed my free birthday starbucks and knocked the fuck out. When I woke up, my cousins and Mika were on their way. They gave me free weed. I bought them beers and vapes. The first alcohol I bought was a case of Truly from the ABC Store. The old lady at the register had me in a five minute conversation about a new Tom Hanks movie that apparently sucks. When my friends came I was so excited to see them. I love having friends in my life who make my life better. I know I'm lucky. We pregamed in the room. It might have been the best part of the night. I took a lot of shots and lost track of how much I drank. We went to Moanis and Playbar. At some point, I dropped a joint and my heels broke. Moanis had nice bouncers and someone sent over a bucket. Jaydeen's boyfriend drank all of it. That's probably when it all started to go wrong. Playbar had rude bouncers and a weird dance floor. This is where Jaydeen's boyfriend really went off the rail. We went back to Moanis and then just decided to go back to the hotel. On the way back, I texted Mekiko and we slept together again. The next morning, I kicked him out and walked with my friends to McDonalds. I ate a single hashbrown and felt like I was going to vomit. My favorite part was talking with my friends in the room as we slowly recovered. We laughed, tried to make ourselves vomit, and just talked. As I write this, I'm sitting in Kunia Urgent Care because my throat is so sore. I really hope it's all okay. Fuck, I have strep throat. Kepakemapa 11, 2023 I am now strep free! I also came back from my first Vegas trip where I got to gamble. I broke even. We watched RuPaul and I loved it. We also watched Chipndales. Surprisingly, I also loved it. I can also see why Grandpa spends his money in Vegas. Kepakemapa 17, 2023 I had a pretty eventful weekend. I saw Mekiko again. He took me on base and we had sex in his room. The Marines are lucky. Their rooms are really nice. I saw him again the next night because I was really horny. We had a talk about what we're doing. We agreed to not kiss or have sex with other people and just each other. I’m not too sure how I feel about it. It’s what I wanted, but I’m not even sure it is. I know that doesn’t make sense. He told me not to catch any feelings. I told him I won’t. I actually promised. I don’t like to break promises. I won’t catch feelings for him. But, if he catches feelings for me, well that’s not my fault. Kepakemapa 23, 2023 Tonight is the Fall Harvest Moon and the final supermoon of the year. It's an Aries moon too and my moon is in Aries. So, this feels important. Life has been weird lately. I'm trying my best to understand it, but I've done well at surviving it. I want to take this time to recenter. Something I should do more often. I've been slacking lately, but from now I want to get back on track. I want to live a thankful life because I am so lucky to have so many things to be thankful for. I want to appreciate everything around me. I want to take more photos of things that make me happy. I want to prioritize myself. I read somewhere that the only thing we own in this world is the love we put into it. That makes sense. Even from a Hawaiian standpoint, our love is our mana. Mana is our personal energy. And energy cannot be destroyed. I want my mana to be strong. I want to love without fear. I want to love with kindness, forgiveness, and the purity I spent too much of this year trying to forget. This year, I told myself I wanted to grow up. I have. But, I realized it's also important to not forget oneself. I promise that the rest of this year I won't forget. I will make myself happy. I won't be lazy when going through life. Okakopa 6, 2023 I haven’t had my period since my birthday. I don’t know what to think. Well, there is one obvious thing I’m thinking about. But I refuse to think that. Okakopa 7, 2023 I’m not pregnant. A twisted part of me is disappointed. I think this is a sign I need to let go of Mekiko. I’m caring too much for a man who obviously cares only a little. A baby would be something that permanently ties me to him. I had this delusion that it would give him a reason to care. It would give him a reason to actually pick me. Selfish now that I think about it. I know I’m denying myself better care. Does it make up for it if I don’t short the care I give others? Okakopa 10, 2023 I really need to get over Mekiko. I’m starting now. I just started talking to this new boy. Like, just learned he exists a couple hours ago. He’s saying a lot of things I like. I’m going to go slow with him. We’ll see where this goes. Anyway, I heard today was a manifestation portal. So, here I go. The method I saw on TikTok said to write ten things I am thankful for in the present tense. These ten things will be things I’m calling into my life. I am thankful for my college degree. I am thankful for all the support that has helped me to complete this educational milestone. I am thankful for all I’ve learned over the years and that I have something to show for it. I am thankful for being fit and healthy. I am thankful I prioritize my health and that I treat my body well. I understand that my body's a blessing. I take care of this blessing and do not take it for granted. I am thankful for finding peace. I am not worried about the actions of others. I do not let others' opinions of me affect how I see myself. I am thankful for having a peaceful life. I am thankful for the wonderful career opportunities available to me. I am thankful that people see the worth I have to offer. I am thankful that my qualities and hard work have led me to career paths that fill me with fulfillment. I am thankful for my car. I am thankful I have property to call my own. I am thankful I can afford a car that makes me happy and gets me through life. I am thankful for my romantic relationship that makes me feel loved, valued, and assured in myself. I am not dependent on him, but I value his presence in my life. I am thankful that he is an addition to my already full life. I am thankful I have produced the creative outlets I have always dreamed of. I have published poetry and created the clothes I have dreamed of. I am thankful I do not hold myself back creatively. I am thankful for my clear skin and healthy hair. I value my skin and hair as they are. I keep them healthy. I see my skin and hair as an extension of my ancestors. I am thankful for the places I have traveled. I am always thankful when I see more of the world I live in. I am thankful for the fun and meaningful experiences I’ve had. I am thankful for my understanding of myself. I know who I am. I don’t let others change or doubt what I have come to value about myself. Yet, I recognize the things I need to change. I see my value and I value what I see. Okakopa 18, 2023 I told Mekiko bye. In a way. I kissed him more and held him tighter. I told him to smile more and to make more promises. Then, I watched him drive away. If I know what's good for me, I'll let him go and let that be the last time. I have a problem. These guys that I miss, I don't miss them. I never learned enough about them to actually miss the person they are. What I really miss is the potential they held. The possibility they had to be my forever. I miss the hope I had that they would pick me. I miss the fantasies I had of their love confessions. I've learned that you can't really change a person. You can only be kind and be you. What I have to learn is that is enough. This is hard to admit because it also means admitting how deeply I want to be loved. I know my family and friends love me. But there's a difference. I crave someone who craves an understanding of me. I'm ashamed to admit it. For now, I'll settle with telling my fantasy boys bye and wondering when I will choose myself. Okakopa 31, 2023 I guess I don't care what's good for me. I saw Mekiko again. I plan to see him again too. Here's my plan: I will leave him in early November. This way, I can enjoy my holidays and end the year with a firm foundation of myself. The truth is that I need to leave him because I like him too much. I care too much about what he thinks of me. I like kissing him too much. I like touching his hair too much. I like laughing at him too much. It's all too much. I'm debating if I should tell him how much it's becoming. If I should explain before I walk away. The thing is that he won't give a fuck. Why should I explain myself to a man who won't care? But, if I never tell him, I think I'll regret it. I'll always wonder how bad his reaction would have been. I have no hope for a good reaction from him. A reaction where he tells me he cares too. I'm not that delusional. I know what he wanted out of this because I wanted the same thing too at first. He just wanted someone to fuck at the end of a hard week. I truly don’t blame him for continuing to want that. I'm going to graduate college at the end of this year. I want a new job. I want to figure out what I'm going to do in life. I want things that have a future. Mekiko can't give that to me. He knows it. I know it. Nowemapa 1, 2023 It's the first of the month! I had a dentist appointment today to fix one of my cavities. I absolutely hate the dentist. Also, I finally paid my tuition for fall. Only two months late! This month I have many goals. There's a lot I want to do before this year ends. A couple months ago, I wrote a letter to myself to read at the end of the month. I really liked that so I'm doing it again. Dear December Tehani, It's the holiday season! I truly hope it's treating you well. There's a lot I'm hoping for you this month. Are you still on top of your school work? I really hope so. Graduation is right around the corner. Speaking of, have you ordered your leis yet? If not, you better do it now. I hope you spent this past month focusing on yourself. Did you apply to all those jobs you bookmarked? I know you want to go to law school. But, I also know you're ready for a new job. Something where you can start over and truly be independent. If you get any of these jobs, you'll need a car. Have you figured out what you want? You always said you'll get your own car after you graduate college and well, that's almost here. I'm thinking of a compact SUV. Did you dye your hair? Have you started eating breakfast? Have you been going to the beach so you're really tan at graduation? Have you been working out so you can slay the stage? Did you fix your skincare routine? I hope whatever you've been doing to make yourself look and feel better has made you happy. Remember that you are as beautiful as the Moon. Moving on to more emotional matters, did you finally leave Mekiko? I honestly hope that you did. I've been debating about whether or not it's better to ghost him or explain before I go. I'm torn because I know he won't really care and that's what's going to hurt. Losing someone for the potential future they could have had in your life is hard. It's a weird kind of mourning because nothing was really lost. So I want you to understand that. Nothing was taken from you and you have lost nothing. You are still the person that you were before him and will continue to be after. I pray you let him go with honesty, grace, and kindness. You're growing up so fast. You are as bright as the Sun, as beautiful as the Moon, and as kind as the Stars. Love, Hani Mai Nowemapa 2, 2023 I'm trying to make it a goal to journal everyday for the rest of the year. I hope this lasts longer than a week. Today I dyed my hair dark brown. I look the way I did when I was a freshman in high school. It makes me happy, in an odd sort of way. Kind of like I'm returning to who I am. Nowemapa 3, 2023 I can't believe I remembered to do this. Tonight I mopped a Cobb Salad from ChickFilA, picked my sister up from basketball, and painted at Jake's house. I had fun and I'm glad to spend time with friends. I can't wait to see all they do in life. Nowemapa 4, 2023 Very lazy day. But, I hung out with my cousins at the park. I also saw Mekiko very quickly. He had to leave because his friends needed him. I'm trying very hard to let him go. Harder than it should be. He told me that sometimes he calls me Hina. It hurt a little to know he remembers so little about me and I remember a lot about him. For the first time, I got butterflies when we kissed. Not a good sign. Nowemapa 6, 2023 I forgot to do an entry yesterday. I slept in till 12. We ate dinner at grandma's. Then, I snuck out of the house to see Mekiko. I got home this morning at 3:30. Still was ready for work though. If I stick to my guns, which I need to do, that will be the last time we fuck in the car. I didn't realize it until halfway through us being together. I kissed him more after that. I let him give me a hickey because I think it'll be the last one he'll ever give me. I need to face the reality that I mourn a man who's not going to want me the way I want to be wanted. The way I deserve to be wanted. It's not his fault and I don't blame him for not giving me what I want. It was always clear what he was looking for. I was okay with it at first and I even wanted the same thing, but not anymore. It hurts saying goodbye to a small hope I have. But, I was the same way with all the men I really cared about. I realize that I go for the men who are emotionally unavailable and that must mean I am too. I want to fix that. It's hard, but I know I can say goodbye and still be okay. Nowemapa 8, 2023 I've been crying a lot lately. Each time I think about how this weekend should be my last with Mekiko. I imagine how I'm going to kiss him knowing it's the last time I'll be doing it. I wonder if he would kiss me differently if he knew what I was planning. I also wonder if he would tell me to stay. I know he won't. And that makes me cry too. I'm still not sure what I'm going to say to him. If I'll say anything at all. If I was unafraid, I would have a lot to say. I would tell him I need to stop seeing him because I like him too much. I need to stop because I'm reaching a point in my life when I want a future. I want to be more intentional about what I'm doing. And if I keep seeing him, I'll want more than he can give. I would ask him why he doesn't want a relationship. If it is something with him or something with me. I would ask if I'm his type. I would ask what he thought about me. I would ask if he would care if I walked away. I think I know his answers. He doesn't want a relationship because of his job, he's young, and he wants to enjoy being single. It's him, but it's also me. He doesn't daydream the futures I do. I'm his type because I pursue him. He thinks I'm confusing, weird, and dumb. He really doesn't know much about me. He wouldn't care if I walked away. He wouldn't ask me to stay because that's not what he wants. I cry a lot thinking about him. I cry a lot knowing that I must let him go. I don't want to. I really don't. I have to tell him goodbye. Nowemapa 9, 2023 I'm facing a dilemma. Who do I see tonight? Mekiko or Navajo? Nowemapa 11, 2023 Mekiko spent the night. I dropped him off at base this afternoon. I'm going to see him tonight and I'm pretty sure it's the last time I'll be seeing him. Last night, I told him that this weekend would be our last. I was lying on him, my head on his shoulder, and our fingers loosely intertwined. He said alright. I can't stop crying. I wanted him to say no. To say he didn't want to end this and that he'll give me more. When I told him I like him too much, he smiled. I wanted him to say something. Anything. Something to let me know he feels the same. I feel stupid for even hoping for anything else. Hope hurts. That's a new lesson I've learned in my twenties. Right now, I'm watching Loki and it talks about how there's multiple timelines full of different choices and events. I know it's just a show, but the idea makes sense to me. Right now, I really wish I was in a universe where Mekiko said something to stop me from walking away. I wish I was in the universe where he tells me he's willing to try if I am. In this universe, I'm willing to try and he's not. I don't want tonight to be the last time I kiss him. I want there to be many nights. I want him to want those nights too. In another universe, I don't care that I have to walk away. Maybe I want to be in that universe too. Nowemapa 12, 2023 I walked away and it hurts. He held me as we slept. He put my head into his shoulder and squeezed me tighter. I hoped it was him realizing he didn't want me to go. I gave him many opportunities to tell me to stay. He didn’t. I'm crying again and I told my mom about it. She told me it's going to continue to hurt like this. But, one day, I'll be okay. I hope that day comes soon. Nowemapa 13, 2023 Last night, Mom told me I would either wake up feeling better or worse. I'm not too sure how I feel except feeling exhausted. I don't think I'm as sad as I was before. That does make me feel a bit better. Nowemapa 14, 2023 I still think about Mekiko. But, I think about myself more. Nowemapa 15, 2023 I've begun to wonder why I fall so hard for the boys I like. I think it has something to do with my name. Kaimipono means to look for goodness, for what is right, and for what is moral. When I see that goodness in a boy, that's when I begin to fall. Once I see their kindness or what makes them good, I can't unsee it. I think it becomes all that I see. I'm blinded by my recognition of goodness in them. I find that goodness whenever I can and I mistake it as love. I've never really asked for love, but I am always looking for it. Nowemapa 27, 2023 This weekend was one I'll remember. Not for a particularly good reason. I saw Mekiko twice. He texted me and I answered. He told me I looked good. That I had a glow. That I looked happy. I didn't want to say it could be caused by me letting him go. I also went to MaiTais for the first time with friends. I think I saw Navajo there. I saw another boy there too. He'll be Eagle. I can't think of anything clever for him. But, we went on a date last weekend. He was nice and he calls me when he's drunk. Don't really know what to think about him yet. Anyway, I did see Mekiko. I'm breaking my own heart at this point. Kēkēmapa 4, 2023 It's been almost a year since my very first entry. My life has completely changed. First, let's recap my last weekend. I spend my Friday night and Saturday afternoon with Mekiko. We went to a hotel. We ate dinner and breakfast together. Then, we said goodbye. Possibly forever. I don't know what else to say except it was a goodbye. But, knowing my history, it wasn’t. I just say it was the last as a comfort to myself. Kēkēmapa 6, 2023 It has officially been over a year since I’ve started this digital journal. I just reread everything I wrote here so far and holy shit so much has changed. My life has changed. The person I am has changed. For a long time I think I was scared of change. Now I see that change can be good. Another thing I realized is that I wrote a lot about boys rather than myself. My goal is to change that for this next year of journaling. This is about me. My life, my thoughts, and my feelings. This is a space where I can be selfish. I have to take it. I started off this journal feeling sheltered, naive, and too innocent. I wanted to go out and live a life of regrets. I wanted to run away from the innocence I had before. Now, I will hold on to it for as long as I can. The goodness I see in the world is not a weakness. It is something that makes me who I am. Family update: my siblings are older and now we are better friends. We still get into fights. But, we have a greater understanding of one another. I am truly blessed to have them by my side. My parents are constant. Just like the mountains and the sea. We clash in many ways, but I know that they never truly want to hurt me. That is a blessing I must hold on to. My grandparents are older but they’re still around. For that I am thankful. Uncle Jason and his family are going through rough patches. My little cousins are getting older and bigger. I honestly wish them the best and a life of happiness. Friends update: Jake is one of the girls. Him and Breeze will be with me until we are old kupunas. I can’t wait to see the life the two of them create together. I am happy my best friend has him in her life. It makes me smile even more when I know that Jake feels just as happy to be in her life too. Lexi and Teron live together and are going to be engaged soon. I don’t know if Lexi knows that all of her friends have known for months he was planning to propose. I’m happy for her. Olivia had a boyfriend for a brief moment. He didn’t treat her very well and I didn’t like him too much. I hope she finds happiness and healing. Jaydeen broke up with her boyfriend. I don’t like him. I hope she finds joy and strength. Kailana is living life and I miss her. I wonder how she’s doing often and I always pray the answer is that she is doing well. Boy update: Mekiko is my latest heartbreak. This year has shown me that as much as I say I want to change, I never do. I don’t regret it either. I am a person who cares and loves and feels. I don’t want to lose that. Even if it hurts me. The tears I shed for what was lost with Mekiko will slowly be forgotten. I am thankful I experienced something that one day I will lose. Me update: We leave for Las Vegas in a couple hours. Next week is my graduation. I am growing up and achieving milestones. I love my job now. The kids make me smile. I am proud when they show me how much they have learned. I’ve realized that my legacy is a continuation of those who came before me. It puts less pressure on me to create a legacy when I think that I am already part of one. I still try to be kind and to forgive. I am more confident and less afraid. I am still the same person, but with more knowledge of the world. I am in a place that I love. Kēkēmapa 17, 2023 Wow it’s been longer than I wanted it to be. I am now a college alumna. I feel smarter. Vegas and Arizona were more fun than I could’ve imagined. I love when life does that. In Vegas, I didn’t win any money but I also didn’t go home completely broke. Blessing in disguise. In Arizona, I got to see old friends. I know I will see each of them again. Harrison is a friend that will always stick with me. I wish Harrison all the laughter and peace in the world. My life at home has been grounded so far. Mika turned nineteen. Kanilea finished basketball. Breeze also graduated. Everything in life feels so good. Yet, I still get sad at night. Sad about things I have no business being sad over. Full disclosure, I’m sad about Mekiko and the choices I made this past year when it came to boys. I treated them worse than I thought I would. I didn’t think I would do that. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. The truth is I think I have. I need to change that. I miss Mekiko and the small comforts he’d give me. I can’t help but wonder if he misses me too. Kēkēmapa 29, 2023 Yet again, I’ve waited too long between journal entries. A LOT has happened. I think that’s a big reason why I stopped writing. But, now that I’m thinking about it, things might have been better if I did take the time to write. Less pressure on my head. I’ll do a quick recap. We started Winter Break. I’ve actually done a lot of the things I wanted to do. Like, clean my spaces and make a vision board for 2024. There’s still many more things I haven’t been able to do yet. Like, go to the beach and go out with my friends for drinks. Christmas came and went. The day after I wrote my entry, mom and I got into a big argument and stopped talking to each other. We’re fine now, but she hasn’t apologized. I didn’t either. I guess I’m not over it. Anyway, it was a small Christmas this year. I ended up seeing Motown again. Twice actually. I’m not attracted to him physically. I think that’s the last time we’ll be seeing each other. There’s a new boy in the mix. Let’s call him big baby. We were talking back when I was in Vegas and Arizona. We met for the first time a couple weeks ago. We slept together. He immediately said that he wanted to be a part of my life. My gut reaction was, “Boy, we literally just met and you don’t know me.” I didn’t say that of course. I don’t actually remember what I said, but I think I’m going to see him later today. I also have plans to see Mekiko in a few days. I love hurting my own feelings at this point. However, this time, I’m telling Mekiko how I feel. My plan is to say something like this: “I’ve realized that I have feelings for you. I can’t keep seeing you without wanting more. I can give you time to think about if more is something you want, or if you have your answer now you can tell me. You can be honest because I’ll be okay no matter the answer.” If he says no, then I’ll tell him that now is when we both walk away. If he says yes, then we talk about what’s next. I don’t know what I’m hoping for. All I want at this point is the truth. Moving on to 2024 plans, I made a list of twelve goals I have for myself this year. Here they are (I’m going to write them in present tense to help manifest. You know the drill). I have seen more of the world. I also am more rooted to the ‘āina. I have pursued more of my creative outlets and am proud of what I created. In 2024, I figured out a plan for my career and future. I know where to go because I have realized my potential. I have achieved my goal of being better at communication because I am unafraid to reveal my emotions and am clear about what I am thinking. 2024 made me a more thankful person. I am thankful for all life has given me. 2024 also brought me closer to ike kupuna as I now have a better understanding of my ancestors’ mindsets on life. I have made more of an effort to see my friends because I am so thankful for them. 2024 is a year that taught me how to trust in Ke Akua. I have ended the year with healthy habits that heal my mind, body, and soul. In 2024, I can say I am a kind and brave person. Now, I’m going to answer these end of year introspection questions that I saw on TikTok. Look at me. Really on a roll with the writing. Describe 2023 in 3 Words Growth, Memories, Experiences Biggest Lesson of 2023 There is so much I learned about myself. New experiences and difficult moments are what will teach me more about who I am. As I learn about myself, I must also work to be committed to the foundation of who I am because that foundation can heal me when I need it. Rate 2023 out of 10 Solid 10. Despite the emotional turmoil. It was a great year with many memories. Most Prominent Person of 2023 Mom Aspects of 2023 that Felt Aligned Nothing honestly. I never really knew where I was going or what to expect. This year I wanted to be reckless. Brave. I didn’t know what felt right, but I knew what felt good. If I had to say, it would be anytime I laughed because I was genuinely happy. Aspects of 2023 that no Longer Serve You Hiding my emotions and withholding my kindness. I will leave those things in 2023. Emotion You Want to Feel More Next Year Gratitude. In 2024, I am more thankful for what life has shown me and given me. I am grateful for every day and every person. One Dream You Want to Achieve in 2023 First answer that came to mind, a car of my own. Ianuali 1, 2024 I slept in until 2pm. I stayed out again with my cousins and Mika. We went to the park and played grounders like we did when we were kids. It was healing to feel like a kid again. Especially after our ho’oponopono this year. Ho’oponopono is a core memory for every Maielua kid. It's a key part of what makes us family. We gather, we pray, and we forgive. I love that it's a practice that connects me to my grandparents. I love that it taught me forgiveness. I love that it is constant. This year's ho’oponopono reminded me that I am prideful and stubborn and that I get it from my family. It also reminded me of the importance of humbling myself to Ke Akua and my family. As a family, we learned we need better communication. This year, I will be better at communication. I will humble myself so I can talk about my emotions without shame or fear. I know that whatever follows after my communication is what Ke Akua intended. It's hard to realize that the people I've looked up to my entire childhood are imperfect. It's hard to hear of the bad things they have done. It has just reminded me to live a better life. Not only for myself, but for the younger generations who may look up at me. Now onto lighter things. My first purchase of the year was a strawberry milk tea with boba and lychee jelly. My second purchase was a yellow palaka button up. The first thing I ate this year, after waking up, was a handful of cherries. Today we went to Pearlridge and saw a car accident on the way. Not a very light thing, but memorable. Ianuali 2, 2023 I went to the beach today. The water felt great and so did the sun. I always make it a point to pray to Ke Akua, my aumakua, and my kupuna when jumping in the ocean. I think that’s what the oceans are for. At the beach, a super tiny fish was swimming right next to me. The cutest experience. I also did my nails today. They are long, sparkly, and pink. One of my goals this year is to have nice nails more often. Good way to start off the year I think. Today was also the big baby’s birthday. I think he’s 26? When he told me, I made him a card. Honestly, I was excited to give it to him but I ended up not seeing him. He’s done this before. Made plans and didn’t follow through. It’s frustrating and confusing, considering he’s the one who says he wants to be a part of my life every time I see him in person. If he truly wants to be in my life, he’s going to have to make more of a consistent effort. My goal is to tell him this the next time I see him. I will tell him. Moments like these remind me of my bible verse and ʻōlelo noʻeau for the week. This week, my big takeaway was to recognize the ways Ke Akua makes himself seen in creation and in my life. When things don’t go the way I planned, I have to remember that it may be because my plans are not what creation intended to be. I have to take a step back to recognize beauty around me and be fulfilled. Also, my recent habit has been changing the ʻōlelo noʻeau in my instagram bio every month. This month’s ʻōlelo noʻeau is “Ua ola loko i ke aloha. Love gives life within.” It is a reminder to remember love. So, I will use love to remind myself not to hold resentment for the negative ways others treat me. Instead, I will communicate how I feel and not feel helpless to creation’s plan. Don’t get me wrong. I still cry and feel sad about the situation. This is simply a reminder that even the negative emotions, that I am free to feel, hold beauty as well. Ianuali 3, 2023 I saw Mekiko tonight. I also went to the beach. The beach was better. I didn't tell him what I planned to say. Partly because I don’t think it's true anymore. Ianuali 4, 2023 My ʻike for the week was to recognize the beauty of Ke Akua. I think this also means I have to recognize his plans for me and my life. Today, things didn’t go as I planned and I didn’t get what I wanted. I wanted to see the big baby today. I also wanted to buy a new beach hat today. Both didn’t end up happening. I am choosing to believe that it is because Ke Akua didn’t plan for it to happen. There is beauty in that somewhere. Ianuali 8, 2023 Very eventful weekend. I bought my new beach hat. I did secret santa with friends. I slept with Mekiko again. And we all went to visit Uncle Andrew. First off, today was very cold and rainy. I once heard that kanaka loved the rain because they believed the presence of rain marked the presence of the Gods. I think that’s pretty beautiful. I just did my bible verse and ‘ōlelo noʻeau for the week. My lesson this week was that Ke Akua hears and humbles those who do not fear him. I struggle with the “fear” bit. I don’t think I understand fear the way Christians do. To me, fear means to be scared for your life. Perhaps it is that serious. I just don’t think a loving God would do that. To me, “fear” is simply to be reminded that you are one with creation and not more. My goal this week is to remember to live humbly as I live as one with creation and Ke Akua. It’s kind of funny that humbleness was my lesson for this week because this past Friday was very humbling for me. It was humbling because I felt unwanted or undesired. Simply because the big baby blew me off again. How dare I let a man make me feel like that? Here’s my new approach: if it is meant to be, then it will happen. We are meant to see each other when it is meant to happen. I called Mekiko on Friday because the big baby blew me off. I didn’t end up seeing him but I saw him the next night. I used to have feelings for him. I used to want something with him. But now, I’m just not sure. I don’t know. I wish I did. When I saw Mekiko on the 3rd, he told me he slept with a girl back home. I told him I slept with my hoes too. I wasn’t hurt like I thought I would be. But, this past weekend, he told me that he lied. He said he only said that to see what I would say. I don’t believe him and I’m annoyed by the games he’s playing. Mekiko also told me he's not going to sleep with anyone else but that he also doesn’t care if I do. I’m taking it at surface value. He doesn’t care. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to care. I’m done denying myself from caring. I hope I write another entry soon. I also hope I have remembered to stay humble. Ianuali 26, 2023 I told Mekiko how I felt. He’s with someone else now. I got it off my chest and that’s all that matters to me right now. I’m upset at myself for waiting too long. He said if I had told him earlier, we’d be together. No use in crying over what ifs. Oddly, I’m not as sad as I imagined. Simply because I know this isn’t the end. I’ll see Mekiko again. He still kissed me. If he was sure, he wouldn’t have done that. I’m not waiting around for him though. Tonight I’m sleeping at the big baby’s house. Ianuali 28, 2023 I ended up going with Brooke and Kaena to a Taylor Swift DJ event. I saw Kailana and Jaydeen there! I had a lot of fun and I LOVE my cousins. They’re the cutest and I wish them all the love in the world. I smoked weed with Kaena. I took shots with Jaydeen. I danced at District. I found out the random guy I hooked up with works at the Republik, is Kailana’s cousin, and has also slept with Celina. I don’t know if I ever wrote this down, but the day after I fucked him, I ran into him at Ala Moana. Odd. That night, I slept at the big baby’s house. He’s an asshole. A boy too old to be acting as stupid as he is. Exactly why he’s called the big baby. He’s also a liar who’s very unhumble. He’s all talk too. Very small (you know what I mean). I don’t ever want to see him again. I called Mekiko to pick me up from the big baby’s house and take me home. He actually came. A big part of me wish he didn’t. It was a very reckless weekend. Pepeluali 19, 2024 In all honesty, I’ve been avoiding this next entry. I think I’ve been afraid to confront myself. I’m not scared anymore. A lot has changed in my life this year. I still have no idea what I’m going to do career wise. Dad is unemployed. Uncle Freddie passed away. Grandpa’s health is concerning. My life is a bit of a fog right now. Nothing is clear and it’s slowly getting hard to breathe. I’ve been sick this past weekend. Which is good because I’ve decided to take a break from men. I’ve gone on lots of first dates. Never seen any guy twice. It just doesn’t click. I hurt one boy’s feelings recently. It was my fault and I can admit that. I ended up blocking him, but I hope he heals quickly. I just don’t feel like being looked at by a man right now. I don’t want men to perceive me. I’ve learned a lot spiritually these past few weeks. For a long time, I’ve struggled with the balance between myself, God, and Hawaiian Akua. I’ve arrived at the realization that all things in life are filled with the power and love of God. Hawaiian Akua are just extensions of God’s love. I am an extension of God’s love. His love isn’t some faraway place like heaven. I don’t have to direct my prayers towards the heavens. Rather, His love is already within. Life is more meaningful and intentional when recognizing that the spirit of God is in all things we coexist with. I’ve been learning lessons of faith and how to pray. I’ve learned I am a co-creator with God. I am taking the time alone to learn. Hopefully to answer the question, what do I want in life? Pepeluali 21, 2024 Recently, I’ve been thinking about the beauty of being a kanaka. In the sense that my blood has made me into something extraordinary. As a Hawaiian, I am a child of the stars and the vast sky. My grandmother is this most amazing earth. Kalo is my elder sibling. All of that mana is in my veins. Mana that was also in many ancestors before me. That’s crazy. This beauty and power is also proof to me that God exists. Only God would allow something as beautiful as this to happen I think. Malaki 1, 2024 Once again, it’s been too long since my last entry. I’m in Vegas right now. We were supposed to see Adele tomorrow, but she’s sick so the show was postponed. I was heartbroken, but this trip has been lots of fun so far. Haven’t won any money. Figures. Tomorrow, mom is turning 51. I hope this next year is easier for her. It’s easy for me to be mad at my mom. I wish it wasn’t. I’m going to be like her one day. I know it. I should have more empathy for her in that sense. Jake is going to propose to Breeze on Sunday. I’m sad I’ll miss it. But, my excitement for her beats the sadness I feel for myself. I realized that I’m lucky to be a witness to their genuine love. I wish them so much happiness in their lives together. Makes me happy just thinking about it. I may have overbooked myself this coming week. I told a lot of boys I would hang out with them. Too many I think. We’ll see what happens with that. This time last year, I couldn’t stop thinking about a specific boy. Now, I’m ignoring that same guy’s messages. Crazy how life changes. Yet, it stays the same because I can’t stop thinking about Mekiko. I want to forget him, but I don’t. It’s confusing and I hope that soon it won’t be. That probably won’t change. Malaki 10, 2024 I know I said I've had eventful weekends in the past, but this weekend was super eventful. On friday, I went on a dinner date with a guy from HBA. He was cool. First guy to ever open the car door for me. I don't think it's going anywhere with him. I don't regret seeing him since I got a free dinner. Wish him the best honestly. However, after the HBA guy dropped me off, I was pretty horny. So, I texted Kaeo back again. I’m not sure if I ever mentioned him yet. Anyway, Kaeo is a friend of Teron that I was ghosting. I knew he would come and he did. On Saturday, I went on another date. Different guy. I’m going to call him Mustang. Great date and pretty good guy so far. First guy to ever buy me flowers. We hooked up, but didn't fuck. He picked me up at 7:30 and took me back home at 10 the next day. He was my best date this weekend. Today, I went on another date, different guy. He’ll be called Cat. We fucked. It was a solid date. It was a solid fuck. Cat is a good guy and I'm going to hurt him. He’s a cat dad. It’s not a red flag. It does give me the ick. March 14, 2023 This weekend, I am making the effort to see my friends. I’m taking charge and I’m super excited to see them. Tomorrow, I plan to see Breeze and on Sunday I’ll have breakfast with Kailana for her birthday. I’m so, so, so excited to see them both. I went on another date with Mustang on Wednesday. He got me flowers again, we raced at the park, and we watched Kung Fu Panda 4. I’m scared to get attached to him. I hope I don’t push him away. Truthfully, I don’t really know how I want to feel. I’m going on a date with another guy tomorrow. I forget his name. Really at a crossroads on how to feel about anything romantic right now. Anyway, my new goal in life is to pay off my student loans through my writing. I’m going to find journals looking for submissions and hopefully I get that bag. That would be pretty cool I think. Malaki 24, 2024 This was a very fun night. I went with Jaydeen and Kailana to Moani's. I saw the big baby. He’s still a scrub. Just embarrassing for him. We also saw a couple guys from high school. They were sweet. Tonight made me realize that I really do like Mustang. I'm scared to get attached. I'm also scared to commit. I honestly don't know. Anyway, in total I got three free drinks and I count that as a win. ʻApelila 8, 2024 Today is a solar eclipse. Just wanted to log it down. Life's been pretty weird lately, but getting better. ʻApelila 19, 2024 A couple weeks ago, Mustang and I got into an argument. It started because I thought that he didn’t care, and didn't see me as a girl he wants a relationship with. On the first night we met, he said he didn’t want to be in love again. I heard him and so every nice thing he did after that, was clouded by my perception that it wasn’t something serious. So, I talked to him about another boy. It hurt his feelings I think. I don’t know. I cried in front of him trying to explain that I didn’t know he cared. He told me it should’ve been obvious and now, I guess it was. I’ve been pushing off writing about that because there's a lot of feelings there I don’t want to confront.He wants to move to Vegas. He’s going to leave, and I know it’s not like he’s specifically leaving me, but I can’t help but feel like he is. I’m not sure if he cares the way I want him to. He tells me to stop talking when I get into a talking mood. He tells me I’m foolish and naive for the way I view things. At times, it feels like he doesn’t even really like me, just wants me there so he can cum. Side note, I did a tarot reading about the two of us. The outcome card was one meaning separation and relationship ending. Our strength card was one about being trapped in your mind and overthinking. Our weakness card was one that represents peace and harmony. I saw Mustang last night/this morning. I did it with the intention of it being the last time. I held him tighter and kissed him longer. I touched him the way he wanted to be touched and did it gently. I cried as I drove away because I didn’t say anything about it being the last time. I just let him go. He’s going to leave. I just sped up the inevitable. I’m seeing Mekiko tonight. I also saw him on Tuesday. I don’t know how I’m going to feel. But, I didn’t tell him no. I should have told him no. I should text him right now and say I can’t make it. I should actually tell him to leave me alone and that I lied when he asked if I was talking to anyone else. I’m covered in guilt. I’m the liar. It’s only my heart that’s going to break at the end of it all. So, if the lie is only hurting me, I’ll keep going. ʻApelila 22, 2024 Yesterday, I went on a date with Travis. He’s a lifeguard and graduated from Kamehameha. He’s sweet. A part of me thinks I went so I could stop thinking about Alex (aka Mekiko). I just want a sign on what to do at this point. Boys make me sad and they’re not even trying to. It’s the fact that they aren’t trying not to that makes me sad. I care about boys far too much. I wish I didn’t. Anyway, back to Travis: we kissed. Wait. I'll start from the beginning. We went golfing first. Then, we hung out at the parking lot by the bus stop. It was there that we kissed after he pushed me around on his skateboard. I told him I was cold and to hold my hands. He asked if my face was cold. I said yes. He held my face and said, “You're going to make me do something I shouldn't”. I smiled and said to do it. Then, we kissed. Mei 6, 2024 I met Travis's grandma and sister this weekend. He's a really nice guy and I can see myself falling for him. But, right now, I'm lying next to Alex. I don't feel right. I'll ignore it for now. I should go see Travis. Mei 21, 2024 Fuck me I got a speeding ticket today. I'm planning on contesting the ticket or asking for a lower fine. But, if I don't get a decision before leaving for Vegas I'll just pay for it. Ugh. Also, I am no closer to picking between Alex and Travis. If anything, it's got more complicated because now I have feelings for both. I can picture a future with both. I don't know. If I see Alex tonight, I'll tell him how I'm feeling. I probably won't, but it's still something to think about. Well I didn't tell him. He talked about how he knew my resting face. He said it’s a smirk that shows my dimple. After he said that, I completely forgot everything I wanted to say. Alex has been saying lots of things that stick with me. Last time I saw him, I told him about how my siblings say I talk like a little kid. He said he believes it. He told me that sometimes when I look at him, he laughs because I'm smiling like a little kid. I complained that I would stop because I don’t want to be like a kid. Alex said I shouldn’t stop because it’s cute. I’m twenty-one years old, a boy calling me cute shouldn’t mean this much. Mei 23, 2024 I told Alex I wanted more. I asked if he cared and wanted more too, yes or no. His answer was no. I believe the Alex chapter of my life is now closed. It simply was not meant to be. I wish him the best in life. I hope he takes care. Iune 2, 2024 I'm in Vegas right now for Kaena's 21st. Literally sitting at a machine with a pink drink waiting for my dad in the poker room. When I get back to Hawaii, things are going to change. I feel it. Iune 3, 2024 I asked Travis to fuck me when I get back. He laughed and said yes. Not sure why I'm thinking about this story at the airport, but Mustang and I once had a conversation about The Notebook. I was arguing that Ellie was an idiot for taking Noah back and that I always felt bad for the lieutenant. I said that the other guy was obviously the better choice. Mustang said, “But the lieutenant wasn't her Noah.” He argued that people always pick their Noah, even if they're not the better choice. I sometimes think Mekiko is my Noah. I'm making the better choice. I'm picking the lieutenant. Iune 6, 2024 Travis asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. He asked me while we were both naked. He seemed nervous. I’m nervous about this commitment and the seriousness of what we are. But, I'm willing to try. I asked him when he knew that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. His answer was from the first day we met. It’s funny in a way. I had said that I wanted to be the girl that a boy slowly falls in love with. Travis is the boy who was sure from the beginning. Iune 8, 2024 I didn’t tell anyone about Travis yet. I don’t know why because I am dying to tell someone. But, it is nice just having this information to myself for a while. I’ll probably tell my sister today. Also, I just paid my speeding ticket and paid off all of my student loans. I currently have no financial obligations. Just a full on scrub now I guess. Iune 17, 2024 Travis has met my family. He met them very briefly at Chuck E Cheese. It was funny to me. He's a funny guy. Iune 21, 2024 For the past few weeks, I've spent the majority of my nights in Travis's bed. I've grown more comfortable with the fact I'm in a relationship. And got better at ignoring that voice in my head that's telling me to end it and run. He's my sweet boy. I don't want to lose that. Iune 29, 2024 Right now, we're heading down to Nanakuli to go camping. Lots has happened recently. I'm going to start a new job. I miss Travis when I'm not with him. I'm seriously considering starting law school. I'm looking to buy a new car. It’s funny how easy life can change. Iulai 4, 2024 I spent the day with Travis and his family. Not a bad day at all. He smiles with his eyes when he looks at me. I wonder if I do the same. Iulai 6, 2023 I did these same prompts a year ago and I think it's interesting how things change. Also, Travis and I have been officially dating for a month. I looked back at my journal and we started talking in April. Only three months of knowing each other. I can't picture not knowing him now. 1 thing I need to let go of … taking things for granted. I need to be more appreciative of life. It really is great. 2 pieces of advice for myself … don't be afraid & try your best to be at peace. 3 of my best talents … drawing lehua, riling up Miso, and reading books to children. 4 activities that make me feel good … talking story with my friends, hanging out with my boyfriend, laying in the sun, and making lei. 5 affirmations for myself … I am beautiful. I am brave. I am kind. I am smart. I am everything my ancestors wished for. 6 people I love having in my life … Breeze, Travis, Mika, Kanilea, Grandma, and Grandpa. 7 things I do to remove stress … nap, cry, drink boba, go to the beach, cuddle with Travis, smell flowers, and watch TikTok.

Tehani Maielua's 20s Journal PDF

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