14 Questions
In an argument, what do people who spend a lot of time feeling defensive often 'hear' from the other person?
I'm right and you're wrong.
When people get into an argument, they usually want to cause trouble.
False
In an argument, people are usually trying to attack each other.
False
What is the result when two people in an argument feel defensive and try to protect themselves?
The argument escalates.
The text suggests that people in an argument usually want to resolve the issue peacefully.
True
Criticism makes people want to change.
False
Why does being defensive hurt your chances for success?
It only hurts your chances for success
When people criticize you, they are always trying to attack you.
False
What should you do when someone points out what you're doing wrong?
Listen carefully and respond with a sincere 'thank you'
What is the result of holding back hurt and anger from childhood?
You become more defensive
What do people who spend a lot of time feeling defensive often feel when they get into an argument?
They are being judged unfairly.
In an argument, people usually feel defensive because they want to attack each other.
False
What is the primary reason why parents criticize their children, according to Laurence Steinberg?
Because they believe their child will never learn without criticism
In an argument, people who feel defensive are usually trying to protect themselves from being wrong.
True
Study Notes
Defensive Behavior
- When in an argument, people often feel defensive, reacting as if the other person is saying "I'm right and you're wrong".
- This reaction stems from childhood experiences, where criticism from parents or authority figures can lead to feelings of powerlessness.
Roots of Defensiveness
- Defensiveness originates from childhood experiences, where parents may have criticized or belittled, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
Consequences of Defensiveness
- Being defensive hurts relationships and success, as it focuses on past injustices rather than present reality.
Overcoming Defensiveness
- In psychotherapy, patients may experience "transference", reacting to the therapist as if they were a figure from their past.
- Recognition and self-awareness are key to stopping defensiveness and building healthier relationships.
Action Steps to Overcome Defensiveness
- Identify people with whom you argue frequently and label them as "A" (believing they say "I'm right and you're wrong") or "B" (believing they say "I'm not wrong").
- Approach people labeled "B" and ask if they feel you say "I'm right and you're wrong", or if they're simply saying "I'm not wrong".
- Listen to their response and clarify any misunderstandings.
- Repeat the process with people labeled "A".
Defensive Behavior
- When in an argument, people often feel defensive, reacting as if the other person is saying "I'm right and you're wrong".
- This reaction stems from childhood experiences, where criticism from parents or authority figures can lead to feelings of powerlessness.
Roots of Defensiveness
- Defensiveness originates from childhood experiences, where parents may have criticized or belittled, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
Consequences of Defensiveness
- Being defensive hurts relationships and success, as it focuses on past injustices rather than present reality.
Overcoming Defensiveness
- In psychotherapy, patients may experience "transference", reacting to the therapist as if they were a figure from their past.
- Recognition and self-awareness are key to stopping defensiveness and building healthier relationships.
Action Steps to Overcome Defensiveness
- Identify people with whom you argue frequently and label them as "A" (believing they say "I'm right and you're wrong") or "B" (believing they say "I'm not wrong").
- Approach people labeled "B" and ask if they feel you say "I'm right and you're wrong", or if they're simply saying "I'm not wrong".
- Listen to their response and clarify any misunderstandings.
- Repeat the process with people labeled "A".
This quiz helps you identify how you react in an argument. Do you feel judged and defensive or do you try to assert your rightness? Understanding your behavior can improve your relationships.
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