Intimacy: Connecting with Others (PDF)

Intimacy: Connecting with others: Intimacy: Connecting with Others Humans are not meant to be loners. Decades of research finds that physical health and psychological well-being flourish if family and friends are supportive. Romantic Partners We begin with romance. Adults tend to be happiest and he...

Intimacy: Connecting with others: Intimacy: Connecting with Others Humans are not meant to be loners. Decades of research finds that physical health and psychological well-being flourish if family and friends are supportive. Romantic Partners We begin with romance. Adults tend to be happiest and healthiest if they have a long-term partner, connected to them with bonds of affection and care. MARRIAGE Traditionally, the romantic bond was codified via marriage. Marriage is not what it was only a few decades ago (see Figure 13.2): In every culture and region, marriage is later and less common (prompted more by love than by family approval), is more diverse (as in more same-sex and interracial couples), and is more equal for women (who are no longer “given away” by their fathers). However, despite these variations, most adults hope to marry, believing that society functions better and childrearing is best when couples marry (Sassler & Lichter, 2020). FIGURE 13.2 And Now? Not only are far fewer people marrying, but they also marry later, so it seemed misleading to include a bar for those born between 1980 and 2000. If we had, the rates would be under 50 percent. Most emerging adults are unmarried. Most adults seek a partner, and marriage correlates with adult health and longevity everywhere. Humans know this emotionally, although not always logically. For example, people whose marriages have become so intolerable that they divorce have a higher marriage rate than single people of the same age and circumstances. Further evidence is that, when same-sex marriages became legal in the United States, most same-sex couples chose to marry. This “high take-up rate suggests that marriage is a meaningful marker of a successful personal life” (Cherlin, 2020, p. 75). VIDEO: Marriage in Adulthood features researcher Ronald Sabatelli and interviews of people discussing the joys and challenges of marriage. THINK CRITICALLY: Is marriage a failed institution? In linked lives, spouses and partners usually adjust to each other’s needs, allowing them to function better as a couple than they did as singles. A large survey of married heterosexual couples found that the men’s average salary five years after their wedding was notably higher than for men at similar jobs who remained single. Also, their homes were more comfortable, perhaps because their wives made it so (Kuperberg, 2012). That specific detail reflects gender norms, but both spouses should be credited with improvements in each other’s lives. As already mention in Chapter 12, currently women are more likely to have jobs and men to be involved in child care, but that does not change the general finding that partners find the roles that make life better for both of them. NONMARITAL ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS Cohabitation is increasing for adults of all ages. Some couples live together for decades without marrying. That arrangement has a higher rate of dissolution, and less happiness overall, but those effects may be partly socioeconomic, since cohabitation is more often chosen when income is low (Musick & Michelmore, 2018). To some extent, cohabitation reflects age as well as income. For younger adults, it is chosen as a way to save money and postpone marriage; many older couples decide to cohabit after divorce, avoiding financial entanglements. By midlife, most cohabiting couples are neither more, nor less, happy than married couples, when income is taken into account. This varies somewhat by gender and national culture. Probably, like marriage, the sheer fact of cohabitation is not a boon or a bust: Specifics of the relationship are crucial (Perelli-Harris et al., 2019). A sizable number of adults have found a third way (neither marriage nor cohabitation) to meet their intimacy needs with a steady romantic partner. They are living apart together (LAT). They have separate residences, but they function as a couple — sexually faithful, vacationing together, recognized as a couple by other people, and so on. One Love, Two Homes Their friends and family know that Jonathan and Diana are a couple, happy together day and night, year after year. But one detail distinguishes them from most couples: Each owns a house. They commute 10 miles and are living apart together — LAT. Some LAT couples must live apart because they have jobs in separate cities, but more often they could share a home but prefer not to. LAT is chosen more often as adults grow older. When a couple under age 30 is living apart, they usually consider their separate residences temporary, expecting to share one home soon. Most LAT couples over age 50, however, prefer to keep separate homes for years (Lewin, 2018). Financial patterns are a particular issue for LAT couples. Most married couples combine their wealth; many cohabiting couples do not (Hamplová et al., 2014). LAT couples struggle with this aspect of their relationship, with the women particularly wanting to pay their own way (Lyssens-Danneboom & Mortelmans, 2014). Children often are a strong influence on adult decisions to marry, divorce, cohabit, or LAT. Cohabiters who have had children together are more likely to marry than those who have not, especially when the children start school. Children sometimes are the reason a couple stays together (“for the sake of the children”), and sometimes they keep a couple apart, as when one parent leaves a violent mate in order to protect the children. Children also keep older couples in LAT relationships. Many older parents maintain separate households because they do not want to upset their grown children (de Jong Gierveld & Merz, 2013). Some LAT couples must live apart because they have jobs in separate cities, but more often they could share a home but prefer not to. LAT is chosen more often as adults grow older. When a couple under age 30 is living apart, they usually consider their separate residences temporary, expecting to share one home soon. Most LAT couples over age 50, however, prefer to keep separate homes for years (Lewin, 2018). Financial patterns are a particular issue for LAT couples. Most married couples combine their wealth; many cohabiting couples do not (Hamplová et al., 2014). LAT couples struggle with this aspect of their relationship, with the women particularly wanting to pay their own way (Lyssens-Danneboom & Mortelmans, 2014). Children often are a strong influence on adult decisions to marry, divorce, cohabit, or LAT. Cohabiters who have had children together are more likely to marry than those who have not, especially when the children start school. Children sometimes are the reason a couple stays together (“for the sake of the children”), and sometimes they keep a couple apart, as when one parent leaves a violent mate in order to protect the children. Children also keep older couples in LAT relationships. Many older parents maintain separate households because they do not want to upset their grown children (de Jong Gierveld & Merz, 2013). PARTNERSHIPS OVER THE DECADES Love is complex. Remember from Chapter 11 that Sternberg described romantic love as having three aspects: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion often begins a romance; intimacy occurs when a couple shares secrets, possessions, and a bed; and commitment is expressed in promises — perhaps faithfulness — and then support when trouble (illness, job-loss, a difficult child) happens. The passage of time makes a difference. In general, establishing a new partnership tends to make both partners happy. For marriages, satisfaction is highest in the “honeymoon period.” Then frustration with a partner increases as conflicts — even those not directly between the couple — arise. On the other hand, over the decades of a committed adult relationship, satisfaction is more likely to improve than not (Bell & Harsin, 2018). Children tend to decrease happiness in mates, especially when the first child is an infant and again when children reach puberty. The underlying reason may be economic: The cost of children, in both time and money, may be more than the adults budgeted for (Blanchflower & Clark, 2021). There are many exceptions to this generality: Sometimes child rearing increases satisfaction and infertility reduces it. Divorce rates are higher in the first years of marriage, but long-term marriages sometimes end: “gray divorces” once were rare, but now about one divorce in four occurs when the partners are over age 50. At About This Time: Marital Happiness over the Years Interval After Wedding Characterization First 6 months Honeymoon period — happiest of all. 6 months to 5 years Happiness dips; divorce is more common now than later in marriage. 5 to 10 years Happiness holds steady. 10 to 20 years Happiness dips as children reach puberty. 20 to 30 years Happiness rises when children leave the nest. 30 to 50 years Happiness is high and steady, barring serious health problems. Not Always These are trends, often masked by more pressing events. For example, some couples stay together because of the children; so for them, unlike most couples, the empty-nest stage becomes a time of conflict or divorce. Remember, however, that averages obscure many differences of age, ethnicity, personality, and circumstances. In the United States, Asian Americans are least likely and African Americans most likely to divorce, according to the American Community Survey, although the rates vary within that community — very low among South Asian couples, higher among Southeast Asian couples. These ethnic differences are partly cultural and partly economic, making any broad effort to promote marriage for everyone doomed to disappoint politicians, social workers, and individuals. Variation in marriage and happiness is evident, as in A Case to Study. Education and religion matter, too: College-educated couples are more likely to marry and less likely to divorce no matter what their ethnic background. Some unhappy couples stay married for religious reasons, and the result may be a long-lasting, troubled relationship, or, instead, a marriage that grows stronger every year. Contrary to outdated impressions, the empty nest — when parents are alone again after the children have left — is usually a time for improved marriages. Simply having time for each other, without crying babies, demanding children, or rebellious teenagers, improves intimacy. Partners can focus on their mates, doing together whatever they both enjoy. Again, as evident in gray divorces, not always. GAY AND LESBIAN COUPLES Almost everything just described applies to gay and lesbian partners as well as to heterosexual ones. Some same-sex couples are faithful and supportive of each other; their emotional well-being thrives on their intimacy and commitment, which increases over the decades. Others are conflicted: Problems of finances, communication, and domestic abuse resemble those in different-sex marriages. The similarity of same-sex and other-sex couples surprised many researchers. For example, one study focused on alcohol abuse in romantic couples, same-sex as well as other-sex. The scientists expected that the stress of being lesbian or gay would increase alcohol abuse. That was not what the data revealed. Instead, the crucial variable was whether the couple was married or not. For both same-sex and other-sex couples, excessive drinking was more common among cohabiters than among married couples (Reczek et al., 2014). An increasing number of families headed by same-sex couples have children, some from a former marriage, some adopted, and some the biological child of one partner, conceived because the couple wanted a child. The well-being of such children depends on the same factors that affect the children of other-sex couples. A Dream Come True When Melissa Adams and Meagan Martin first committed to each other, they thought they could never marry, at least in their South Carolina home. On July 11, 2015, they celebrated their union, complete with flower girl, bridesmaids, Reverend Sidden, and all the legal documents. Family income may be crucial. On average, same-sex couples have less money than other-sex couples (Cenegy et al., 2018). As you remember from earlier chapters, low SES increases a child’s risk of physical, academic, and emotional problems. Economic stress decreases the parents’ patience and joy with their children. Another finding also relates to all partnerships: family connections. In a study of married gay couples in Iowa, one man said that he decided to marry because of his mother: “I had a partner that I lived with … And I think she, as much as she accepted him, it wasn’t anything permanent in her eyes” (Ocobock, 2013, p. 196). In this study, most family members were supportive, but some were not — again eliciting deep emotional reactions. In marriages of every kind, including interethnic marriages, in-laws usually welcome the new spouse; but when they do not, the partnership may suffer. Family influences are hard to ignore: There may be a premium or a penalty in relationships with in-laws (Danielsbacka et al., 2018). DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE Throughout this text, developmental events that seem isolated, personal, and transitory are shown to be interconnected and socially constructed, with enduring consequences. Family relationships are part of the microsystem, but the macrosystem, mesosystem, and exosystem all have an impact. Some national norms make divorce impossible. One unhappy spouse was asked if they ever thought of leaving their partner. The answer: “Divorce, never. Death, every day.” Of course, personal factors matter, too. In the United States, separation occurs because at least one partner believes that they would be happier without the other, a conclusion reached in almost half of all marriages. Indeed, fear of divorce is thought to be the reason fewer adults decide to marry. In 1990, the divorce rate was about 50 percent; in 2019, it was below 40 percent. One reason for the shift is in the age of people who marry. Since people are marrying later, there are fewer marriages at highest risk for divorce. The number of divorces after decades of marriage is increasing, but the rate is still far lower than for younger adults. Maturity encourages couples to work out their disagreements. Family problems from divorce arise not only with children (usually custodial parents become stricter and noncustodial parents become distant) but also with other relatives. The divorced adults’ parents are often supportive financially but not emotionally. Relationships with in-laws typically end when a couple splits, as do many relationships with married friends. No wonder divorce increases loneliness (van Tilburg et al., 2015). Many divorced people find another partner. Initially, remarriage restores intimacy, health, and financial security. For fathers, bonds with stepchildren who live with them, or with a baby from the new marriage, may replace strained relationships with children who live with their former wives (Noël-Miller, 2013a). That helps the fathers but not their children. Divorce is never easy, but the negative consequences just explained are not inevitable. If divorce ends an abusive, destructive relationship (as it does about one-third of the time), it usually benefits at least one spouse (Amato, 2010). Such divorces lead to stronger and warmer mother–child and/or father–child relationships after the marital fights are over. But most divorces occur not because one partner is abusive but because the spouses no longer love each other. Ideally, former lovers are still able to cooperate in child care. This realization has transformed what psychologists recommend to divorcing parents: It is best if parents share physical as well as legal custody, cooperating for the sake of the children, who live with each parent in turn (Braver & Votruba, 2018). Shared physical custody helps grandparents as well (Jappens, 2018). When mothers had sole custody, the maternal grandparents were often overburdened, and the paternal grandparents rarely saw the children. Joint custody fosters better relationships. Friends an PARENTS AND THEIR ADULT CHILDREN A crucial part of family life for many adults is raising children. That work is discussed soon when we describe Erikson’s other adult task, generativity. But before we recognize the generativity needed to meet the needs of the younger generation, we need to acknowledge that adults meet their own intimacy needs with their children. Here we focus not on adults caring for children under age 18, but on adults’ relationships to other adults. One source says that “ties between adults and parents are now more common than any other relationship in adulthood” (Fingerman et al., 2020, p. 383). Far from breaking ties with their middle-aged parents, 98 percent of adults aged 25–32 are in regular contact with at least one parent, often calling or texting every day (Hartnett et al., 2018). Do not confuse intimacy with residence. If income and health allow, adult generations prefer to have separate homes. However, a study of 7,578 adults in seven nations found that physical separation did not weaken family ties. Indeed, intergenerational relationships may be strengthened, not weakened, when adult children and their parents live apart (Treas & Gubernskaya, 2012). Consider the data on where adults choose to live. When they have the financial means to live wherever they wish, most adults move close to others in their families. One study reports that 75 percent of parents with grown children had at least one child who lived less than 30 miles away (Choi et al., 2020). Many retirees can afford to sell their homes and move to Florida or Arizona, but many stay instead in Maine, or Iowa, or West Virginia (all states with more elderly residents than the U.S. average). When the older generations move, it is often to be nearer their grandchildren. Family relationships are vital throughout adulthood. Considerable research has recently focused on boomerang children, or adults who live with their parents for a while, making a “swollen nest,” not an empty one. In the United States in 1980, only 11 percent of 25- to 34-year-olds lived with their parents for at least a few months. Every year since then, more young adults have lived with older family members, making that the most frequent housing choice (Cohn & Passel, 2018). Note that this is reciprocal. The fact that more young adults live with their parents mean that more parents live with their adult children. The myth is that older generations live with younger ones because the elders need caregiving. That is not the case: Usually the older generation owns the home, has a job, and is quite independent. Many nonparents think that adults do too much for their grown children (Barroso et al., 2019), but the people in such relationships usually value them. Indeed, because most women in the twentieth century had their first child at age 20 or so, sometimes three generations of adults live together, a 64-year-old, a 44-year-old, and a 24-year-old, each active, opinionated, and self-sufficient. Conflict increases when adults share kitchens and bathrooms, but opportunities for close friendships increase as well. FICTIVE KIN Most adults maintain connections with brothers and sisters, sometimes traveling great distances to attend weddings, funerals, and holidays. The power of this link is apparent when we note that, unlike friends, often family members are on opposite sides of a political or social divide. Even radically different views do not usually keep them apart. Sometimes, however, adults avoid their blood relatives because they find them toxic — not because they disagree on politics but because their personal interactions are hostile. Such adults may become fictive kin in another family. They are introduced by a family member who says this person is “like a sister” or “my brother” and so on. Over time, the new family accepts them. They are not technically related (hence fictive), but they are treated like a family member (hence kin). Strangers or Twins? Both. Aysha Lord (left) is a “genetic twin” to Peter Milburn (right), a father of four who had a fatal blood cancer. He was saved by stem cells donated by a stranger — Aysha — whose cells were a perfect match. Fictive kin can be a lifeline for adults who are rejected by their original family (perhaps because of sexual orientation or gender identity) or are unable to visit family (perhaps because of prohibitive immigration policies), or who resist family practices (perhaps by stopping addiction, or by joining a religious group). Fictive kin can be part of a community strategy to provide personal support. This has been documented among African Americans in the United States. When hostility and prejudice segregated and marginalized them, many African American neighbors became fictive kin. Adults were expected to guide and help each other, allowing survival and success (Glover et al., 2018). The role of fictive kin reinforces a general theme: Adults benefit from kin, fictive or