Symptom or Root Problem? PDF

•5 . Symptom or Root Problem? Recently I was on my way to the church to perform a wedding, and while I was stopped at the red light of a certain intersection, I saw a man who was standing on the street corner holding a sign: NEED FOOD. WILL WORK. That was not a particularly unusual sight to me. I p...

•5 . Symptom or Root Problem? Recently I was on my way to the church to perform a wedding, and while I was stopped at the red light of a certain intersection, I saw a man who was standing on the street corner holding a sign: NEED FOOD. WILL WORK. That was not a particularly unusual sight to me. I pass that intersection often, and I have seen countless people standing there with similar signs. That night I found myself staring at the man. He was about my height. He had a wrinkled and weathered face, disheveled hair and clothing, and he was dirty and ragged in his overall appearance and very sadlooking. I put myself in his shoes for a moment. I imagined what it must be like to stand there hour after hour, without sufficient supply in one's life, looking at people in cars who were staring back blankly. How would I feel if I were standing on that corner hungry, without work or money, without someone to care enough for me to take me in or help me? How would I feel if I were as lonely as that man appeared to be? How would it feel to be empty inside, without accomplishments or purpose, without any direction or future, perhaps with an addiction to alcohol or drugs? And how would it feel to be standing on a corner early in the evening, gazing at a man in a tuxedo on his way to someplace where he was wanted and needed? How would it feel to be ignored by that man and the person behind him and the person behind him until the light changed and yet another group of people stopped, but failed to offer assistance? 49 50 • Our Unmet Needs My attitude toward people in his situation changed dramatically in that moment. "But," you may say, "he was probably looking for a handout so he could buy a bottle of liquor." Perhaps. "He might have been a con artist, looking for a handout so he didn't have to work." Perhaps. In either case, he was a person with a need. He was a person who at some point in his past had strayed away from God's intended plan and purpose for his life. Regardless of the true motivation of that person, standing on a street corner with a sign that indicated he was begging for work and food was not what God had in mind for that person when He created him and placed him on this earth. That person was standing on that corner because he had an unmet need deep inside his heart, an inner need that was far deeper than the outer need scrawled on his handmade sign. That person had at some point in his life been given wrong direction or had listened to the wrong voices. He had made wrong choices. And the result was that he was not doing what God had destined for him to do and he was not in the process of becoming what God desired for him to become in the Lord Jesus Christ. So often we look at people's appearance and their outer behavior, and we draw conclusions about them and their motivations that may not be at all the true state of their lives. So often we fail to see the deep inner needs and drives that compel a person to say and do things that are contrary to God's purposes. And yet it is at the deep inner level of our lives that the most profound changes are needed. It is at the deep inner level that all outer, surface needs must first be addressed if the solutions we seek are to be definite, productive, positive, and lasting. THREE COMMONLY MISUNDERSTOOD NEEDS As a pastor, I have had countless people come to me with a need. Three needs often seem to loom very large in people's minds and emotions, but as great as these needs may be, they are not the real needs. Rather, they are needs that are symptoms of much deeper and more basic needs. I believe there is value in exploring these three symptomatic needs. Symptom or Root Problem? • 51 1. THE NEED FOR A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP Within marriage, nothing can be more comforting and satisfying. Outside marriage, nothing can be more disastrous. Many people have a sense of need in the area of their sexual desire. This is often expressed to me by single people, those who have gone through divorce, or those whose spouses have died. The automatic assumption seems to be: I need a sexual relationship, and the only solution for this inner frustration and desire that I feel is a sexual relationship. I certainly do not deny the reality of sexual desire that God has built into us as human beings, yet I have also come to recognize that in the majority of cases where this need is felt intensely and is expressed repeatedly, the real need is for intimacy. Ultimately the need is for a more intimate relationship with God. The person who has a need for intimacy feels estranged, cut off, separated, unfulfilled. These feelings are defined as sexual desiie, but they are really symptoms of a need to be loved in a way that is comforting, consistent, and unconditional. Only God can provide this kind of love in its purest and richest form. People often use phrases such as "if I could only be held by someone" or "if I only had someone who really knew me and really loved me completely" to express the root need, "I need to be embraced by someone who will never let go of me and never stop loving me." That Someone is God. A number of years ago I counseled a young couple who were having problems in their marriage. The man's complaint was that his wife always seemed to be too tired for sex. The woman's complaint was that her husband never took time to kiss her and hold her, butwas too eager for the culmination of the sex act. The longer we met together, the more it became obvious that the root problem was not related to sexual behavior; the root problem involved issues of intimacy and unconditional love. The husband was truly longing for affirmation. After a long day at work, he came home desiring to be appreciated, valued, and made to feel worthy. Sexual activity was the only way he had been taught to receive appreciation and value. His wife had no idea that was truly what her husband desired, so it never occurred taher to praise him for his efforts or to tell him how much she valued him as a man. The wife was also seeking affirmation. Alone all day at home with the .52 • Our Unmet Needs children, she wanted her husband to notice that her contribution to their family was valuable and appreciated. She wanted her husband to see her as a desirable woman, not merely as a housekeeper, childcare provider, and sexual partner. She wanted him to tell her in words and by deeds that he liked spending time with her, thought she was beautiful, and enjoyed being close to her. She was seeking intimacy and unconditional love. When the two young people learned how to express value to each other in ways apart from the act of sexual intercourse, their entire marriage blossomed, and before long, the issues that had first brought them to me disappeared. They were addressing the root needs and problems inherent in a marriage, not merely the surface issue of too little/too much sexual activity. Our culture sends numerous messages through all forms of media to each of us every day that say, "If you feel general uneasiness or tension, it must be the result of sexual desire." There is almost an automatic response in some people to conclude, "I feel restless, so I must need sexual intercourse." The root, however, is not a need for sexual release but a need for emotional intimacy. Transparency. Sharing. Being together. These things build intimacy. When intimacy is established in marriage, sexual behavior becomes a beautiful expression and a fulfilling activity. When intimacy is missing, sexual activity can be frustrating, and the ever-present concern about sexual behavior can be exhausting. God never intended for sexual intercourse to become a substitute for intimacy. Rather, He desires for it to be an outgrowth and an expression of intimacy. In that context, sexual activity provides joy. Ultimately only God can truly fill the vacuum in each of us for intimacy. No person can completely satisfy that need. Two people may love each other the best they know how to love, but genuine unconditional love—love that gives and gives and gives without recrimination or any tinge of retribution—is divine. When a person turns to God and seeks to build a relationship with God, when a person receives God's forgiveness and love, when a person spends time with God, shares his heart fully and honestly with God, and engages in frequent and in-depth conversations with God, such a person knows truly what it means to be in an intimate relationship. Once a person knows that, it is so much more meaningful, and so much easier, to Symptom or Root Problem? • 53 develop an intimate relationship with another person. And when both partners in a marriage understand and experience intimacy with God, and are seeking to develop intimacy with each other, richness in marriage is sure to result. 2. THE NEED TO BE MARRIED So many people have said to me down through the years, "Pastor, I just need to get married." In most cases, marriage is not a need—it is a perceived solution to one or more needs. The root needs are much more likely to be loneliness, financial insecurity, emotional insecurity, or unfulfilled sexual desire. In other cases, the person is looking to a spouse to do what only the Lord can do—in other words, be the source of emotional, spiritual, financial, material, physical, and psychological support. Let me ask you, "Who wants to get married for the sole purpose of being used by the other person to get all of his or her needs met? Who on this earth could remotely feel that it was either possible or equitable to spend one's life solely for the purpose of meeting another person's needs?" And yet many people who say with a tone of desperation in their voices, "I need to get married," are looking for precisely that—somebody to meet all of their needs for them. To this point, I have never had a person say to me, "I need to get married because I have a very strong desire to meet all the needs in that other person's life." The need to be married is a me-centered need in most cases. The reality for most people is that in marriage, some of their needs are met, and they are able to meet some of the needs of the spouse. No person, however noble, great, fantastic, or talented he may be, is fully capable of meeting all the needs of another person, and no person should expect another person to meet all of his needs. Too many marriages are in trouble today precisely on this point. People are looking to their spouses to meet the needs that only God can meet. This is also likely to be the root cause for many teen pregnancies and sexual encounters. Young people are looking for someone to meet their emotional needs for acceptance, love, and value. The young person believes that if someone has sexual relations with her, he automatically will accept her, love her unconditionally, and place high value on her and 54 • Our Unmet Needs the relationship. That is never the case—at least not in a lasting way. Words of acceptance, love, and value may be spoken. But over time, the very act of immorality erodes the underlying foundation that is required for true acceptance, genuine love, and lasting value. If you are under the impression that you can meet all of the needs of another person, I suggest you reexamine your position. Jesus Christ is the only person who could meet all of another person's needs, and even He could fulfill the needs only after His death, resurrection, and ascension to the Father in heaven. Paul taught, "My God shall supply all your need" (Phil. 4:19). God alone is capable of fully meeting your needs. Look to Him! A woman told me that she felt a great need to be married. She longed for a husband to value her, love her, and build a relationship with her. I encouraged her to trust God to bring this person across her path and, until He did, to rely upon God to meet her inner needs for validation, self-worth, and love. She did that for a while, but then a friend convinced her that she needed to get out and play the field. The young woman began to attend parties every night of the week, and many of the parties were ungodly in all sorts of ways. The men she met wanted her all right, but not as a godly wife. They wanted her sexually as a plaything for the night. Within a matter of weeks, she found herself pregnant, and in the process of her undergoing pregnancy-related medical exams, she also discovered she had a sexually transmitted disease. Her situation discouraged her further. She reasoned, What man will want me with a child and with a sexually transmitted disease?She got an abortion. That compounded the guilt she felt in her heart. She lowered her standards even more when it came to the men she dated. Eventually she hit bottom emotionally and cried out to God, "Oh, God, I have so many needs! Help me!". God heard her heart's cry, and He responded to her with all the love and forgiveness He had always had for her. Over months and years as she trusted God with her life, she slowly regained her sense of self-worth. God eventually did bring a man her way who accepted her as she was and loved her for who she was in the Lord, regardless of her past. But oh, the years she wasted and the pain she experienced. She could never undo the facts of the pregnancy and abortion in her past. She Symptom or Root Problem? • 55 could not undo completely the disease she had acquired, although she could control its effects to an extent through medication. She could not get back the years she lost or fully restore the relationships she had damaged in her rebellious choices that were against God's plan for her. And when did that sad decade of her life begin? In the instant she determined that she had to take the matter of meeting her perceived need for marriage into her own hands and do something to find and marry a man of her choosing. Her friend had convinced her that trusting God wasn't enough. She had convinced her that "God helps those who help themselves"—which is true to an extent, but which is true only if the person is helping herself in a way that is right and good in God's eyes. The young woman could have limited herself to dinner invitations and parties hosted by Christian friends. She could have chosen to go on Christian cruises and retreats, or to get more involved in church-related social activities and ministries. Her friend, however, had convinced her that it was actually good for her to go to non-Christian places because the men there were more plentiful, interesting, and exciting, and that it would all be okay in the end because she could convince any man she met at an ungodly party to accept Jesus Christ and be born again before a wedding took place. Was it the friend's fault that the woman chose the path she followed? No. The woman allowed herself to be deceived. She knew enough to say no to her friend's arguments at every turn of the road. She knew enough to choose good and refrain from evil. Her error was the age-old error— I can do this on my own, independent of God. If you are single today, trust God to bring you the spouse who is right for you. Don't compromise your standards or flirt with evil. Keep yourself pure. 3. THE NEED FOR LOVE Too many people in our world today have grown up without unconditional love from their parents. One parent or both parents may have abandoned them when they were children, either physically or emotionally. They may have felt intense loneliness as children. They may have felt that they were continually shunned, sent to be with others, put in the care of baby-sitters, or ignored while parents worked or partied. They may have felt misunderstood, underappreciated, or not valued. They 56 • Our Unmet Needs may have heard all kinds of critical assessments of their worth and their worthiness: "You'll never amount to anything," "We never wanted you anyway—you were an accident," "You never do anything right," "You are a real problem child." When children are mistreated in these ways, they grow up with an intense desire to be counted worthy. They have a strong inner need that they generally conclude is a desire to be loved. The problem is, many of these people enter relationships that fail to satisfy. In some cases, they enter marriages with a person who is just as needy as they are, and in their intense desire to receive love, they fail to give unconditional love—and vice versa—and the result is two people grasping at each other to receive the very thing that they feel they need most but that they have virtually no capacity to give. In other cases, they enter relationships seeking love, and they genuinely are given such love but they do*not know how to receive it. Thus, their feelings of neediness remain. What is the root problem? They need to be healed of the emotional wounds of the past. The real need is not to be in a loving relationship, but to be brought to a place of inner wholeness where they can truly be a partner in a loving relationship. A woman once came to me with eyes nearly swollen shut from many hours of crying. "My husband just doesn't love me," she sobbed. "Why do you believe that he doesn't love you?" "He is staying at work later and later every night. I know he's doing that so he doesn't have to be around me." "Have you talked to him about this behavior?" "Yes," she sobbed. "He said he was working longer hours to win a promotion so he could provide more for me and the children, but I know the real reason is that he just wants to be away from us and especially away from me." "Has he expressed dissatisfaction with you?" I asked. "No," she admitted. "Then why are you concluding that his long hours at work are a direct response to his feelings for you?" She cried quietly for a moment and then blurted out, "He's just like my dad." "Tell me about your father," I said. Symptom or Root Problem? • 57 "He was at work all the time I was growing up. I hardly ever saw him. When he came home he was too tired to play with me or to hug me. He never asked me how I was. He never kissed me good night or tucked me into bed." The issue became very clear. The woman had deep inner needs related to the way her father had treated her as a child, and she was transferring those needs to her husband. Her father had been a cold, aloof man. As it turns out, he was an alcoholic and was not at work nearly as much as the woman had thought; he had spent much of his after-hours time at bars and clubs. Her father's inability to express love was the real issue that was acting as an undercurrent of uneasiness and tension in her marriage. Her husband—a warm, loving, ambitious, and caring man—was not at all like her father, but she perceived that he was like her father because of surface behaviors. She was looking at symptoms, not root needs and problems. When the woman began to realize that the real issue before her was not a problem in her marriage but a problem in her past, and when she recognized that she needed to be healed of the emotional wounds she had suffered as a child before she would be in a good position to assess and then address the current issues in her marriage, she was on her way toward healing and wholeness. As the months passed and the woman worked with a good Christian counselor to gain a new perspective and to receive Christ's love and healing regarding her past, she saw the behavior of her husband in an entirely new light. Rather than be resentful of the time he spent at the office, she became thankful for his concern for her and their children. Rather than be frightened that her husband was moving away from her emotionally, she recognized that he was acting out of love for her. Rather than confront or withdraw from her husband, she had the strength to express herself directly and honestly. Together, she and her husband struck a new balance between hours spent at work and hours spent at home. The underlying root problem had not at all been an issue of love, but issues of old, lingering, and festering emotional wounds that needed to be healed. The best time to deal with emotional wounds related to one's past is prior to marriage, of course. The problem is that too often we fail to recognize these emotional wounds before we marry. We transfer the set of 58 • Our Unmet Needs feelings we have had in one relationship to a new relationship where they are often unwarranted. A woman said to me in the wake of a very painful separation from her husband, "I always knew he would leave me." "Why did you believe that?" I asked. "I just knew he would." As much as I probed, she would not admit to a reason why she held that opinion. Over time as we discussed various issues in her childhood and younger years, I realized that she had very likely drawn this conclusion about her husband and her marriage because her father had never been faithful to her mother, or to any of the other three women he had married. She automatically assumed that her husband would treat her the same way her father had treated her mother and her various stepmothers. In the end, she had been the one to separate from her husband, thinking that she would be better off to initiate what she perceived to be the inevitable outcome of their marriage rather than wait for him to leave her as she was certain he would. The real need in the woman's life was not counseling for the present marital situation, but counseling for the inner emotional wounds that she had carried in silence for more than forty years. Not all emotional wounds are experienced in childhood. Some people are scarred by the behavior of adults who have mistreated them or rejected them. Many people bring the wounds of past relationships— dating relationships, engagements, marriages—into new relationships. Some bring the wounds experienced in previous places of employment to their new jobs. Some bring spiritual wounds they experienced in previous church settings to their new church homes. Every emotionally wounded person I know is seeking love to heal his wounds. He believes that the number one need in his life is love. "If I can just find someone to love me, I'll get over that previous relationship." "If I can just find an employer who will appreciate me, I'll recover from being fired." "If I can just find a pastor who loves me enough regardless of my sins, I'll rebound from that bad church experience." The truth is, the wounded person needs to be healed of the old wounds so that he can receive love and be a full partner in an unconditional love relationship. The jilted or abused person needs to be healed emotionally before he enters a new relationship. The person who has Symptom or Root Problem? • 59 been mistreated in the workplace needs to recover from the wounds and learn from them so that he can experience happiness in a new position. The person who has been spiritually wounded needs to address the wounds and be healed so that he can find satisfaction and fulfillment in a new church setting. If healing of the past does not occur, the problems will carry over into the new setting. Words of love and appreciation will help, but they will not truly heal. Time will pass, but it will not heal. Only the presence and power of Jesus Christ in a person's life truly heal and make whole. Only God can heal deep, inner emotional wounds, especially ones that stem from early childhood. Some incidents occur at such an early age that the victim of abusive, neglectful, or hurtful behavior cannot even remember what happened or the context in which it happened. Only God sees the beginning from the ending in a person's life. Only God knows why some feelings exist in us. Only God knows how to unravel the tangled web of emotions that trap us into despair and despondency at the very core of our beings. The enemy within us is the need that demands attention, that results in nightmares, that causes us to cry out in fear or feel anxious to the point of tears in the middle of a crowd on a bright, sunny day. And the only true victor over that enemy is the power of the Holy Spirit, resident within us to heal, comfort, and give counsel. Human counselors can help, especially if they truly know the Lord Jesus Christ and attempt to live in full accord with His commandments. Ultimately the Holy Spirit will heal us of our emotional wounds. If you go into a new relationship—personal, career-related, churchrelated—with the thought, I'll find love here and everything will be all right, you are likely to be disappointed. Looking to the love or appreciation of another person to solve your problem should be a giant clue to you that the problem is not one that the other's love or appreciation can solve. The problem lies within you. Something is festering deep within. And until that "something" is addressed, cleansed, healed, or restored, you will not be in a healthy position either to receive love fully or to give love generously. Go to God and express your feelings. Ask Him to reveal the real nature of your problem and to heal you of its root cause. Ask for His guidance in finding the right Christian counselor who can help you 60 • Our Unmet Needs uncover the old wound festering within. Ask God by the power of His Holy Spirit to bring the light of truth to bear on old issues and old feelings that you have tried to bury. Put yourself into a position to be healed of the past so that you can embrace fully and successfully the future that God has for you. THE NEEDS WE KNOW AS ADDICTIONS Do you crave a cigarette? Do you need a drink? Do you think only about the next fix? Do you count the hours until you can take the next pill? In raw form, addictions are perhaps the ultimate symptomatic needs. What is an addiction? Why does a certain thing or behavior become what we think we must have in order to live or at least to live a desirable life? An addiction is a repeated form of behavior that brings some form of result that keeps a person repeating the behavior. The result may be highly destructive in the long run, but seem appealing or pleasurable in the short run. The actual result of the behavior may not be physical but emotional. Just about all the people I know who have become addicted to alcohol or nicotine have told me that they disliked their first taste of an alcoholic beverage or their first puff on a cigarette. They kept drinking and kept smoking, however, because they did like the result of having their peers think they were acceptable, cool, neat, or hip. Even knowing the long-term damage that drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes might cause to their bodies, they continued in the behavior because they liked the short-term benefits that were psychological and emotional. They also came to like the physical benefit of relaxation they felt with alcohol or nicotine, far more than they ever liked the taste of the alcohol or tobacco, the smell of tobacco on their clothes and in their homes and cars, the shortness of breath, the nausea from overdrinking, or other aspects of the habit. Positive behaviors can also become addictive because of the rewards associated with them. People who run regularly like the good feeling they get while running or after they have completed a run. People who spend quality time in prayer and meditating on God's Word have a sense Symptom or Root Problem? • 61 of spiritual withdrawal if they go for a period without praying or reading the Scriptures. The results keep a person returning again and again to any particular behavior. That is the way habits are built—good or bad. That is the way addictions start. ADDICTIONS DIFFER FROM HABITS The difference between a habit and an addiction is that a person still exerts control over a habit. Not engaging in the behavior brings no sense of irretrievable or grievous loss. In an addiction, the behavior begins to exert control over the person. A real sense of loss, a deep craving, or a sense of being deprived, is felt in an addiction. An addiction is always associated with an insatiable drive or desire, a hunger for the activity or substance, and a dependency upon the chemical or the mental hormones that are released during a particular activity. Persons often engage in habitual behaviors without thinking much about them. In addictions, persons can think of little else than the addictive behavior. The person addicted to alcohol is always anticipating to some degree the next drink. The person addicted to gambling is always looking for the next betting opportunity. The person addicted to a pre scription painkiller is always counting the minutes until the next pill can be taken. People can be addicted to numerous things other than chemical substances. I have met a few people who were addicted to keeping an immaculate house, perfect in appearance and clean in every crevice to the point that maintaining cleanliness was not only valued but also felt to pressure them to act. Such addictions are often termed compulsive emotions with obsessive behaviors. Some people are addicted to sex. Others are addicted to a particular kind of activity, such as exercise or work. Some are addicted to overeating, especially unhealthy foods. People who are addicted never started out intending to become addicted. Nobody who has become a drug addict said upon taking his first dose of drugs, "My goal is to become addicted to this drug." No person who has become addicted to gambling ever said upon placing his first bet, "My goal in life is to get to the place where I can't live without 62 • Our Unmet Needs turning virtually every activity in my life into an opportunity to place a wager." In the development of habits, however, people often say, "I want to have the habit of . . ." Habits are generally rooted in positive intention. They are outgrowths of one's will, and in most cases, they are aimed at the development of a positive trait or a healthful activity. In addictions, people tend not to be thinking. Many people who become addicted to various activities or substances later'find themselves saying, "Where was my mind? What was I thinking when I started doing this? Was I nuts?" ADDICTIONS NEVER FULLY SATISFY An addict never has enough. A person addicted to alcohol never has sufficient alcohol to last him the rest of his life. A person addicted to prescription medications never feels so good that he never needs another pill. Good habits satisfy. They bring a sense of order, balance, and harmony. Bad habits do not satisfy, but in most cases, when a person recognizes that a bad habit exists—and it is not an addiction—the remedy for the bad habit is the exact opposite behavior. The person who has a bad habit of chewing his fingernails can develop a good habit by not chewing his fingernails and by routinely manicuring his nails. The dissatisfaction that arose from having ugly nails gives way to satisfaction at having healthy, appealing nails. The person who is genuinely addicted does not feel an immediate sense of satisfaction if the addicted behavior is stopped. Alcoholics still have a desire for alcohol long after they have had their most recent drink. I have met people who quit smoking twenty years ago but still have a desire for smoking. Addictions grip the inner physical and psychological nature of a person. They are more than merely bad habits. The symptoms associated with addictions are often perceived to be needs, but the addiction itself is not the root need. The symptoms of being out of control, of being "out of it" mentally, of losing the ability to function in vital areas of life, of being forever broke, and of feeling constantly driven are all very real. Such symptoms give a strong feeling to the individual experiencing them and to others who witness them that need is present. Symptom or Root Problem? • 63 But the real need is not for a drink or the need to be freed from feeling the desire for a drink. The real need is not for a fix of some kind or to be freed from having the compulsion for a fix. The real need is something more basic to the human heart. In most cases, it is a need for acceptance. The inner drive for acceptance first leads the addicted person to take a drink. In some cases, the acceptance that is being sought is not the acceptance of another living person, be it spouse, friend, colleague, or close relative. Rather, it is the acceptance of a person long since dead or a person from long, long ago. I have met people who are addicted to compulsive behaviors because they are still seeking, at a very deep inner level, the approval of Mom or Dad. Still others are in need of self-acceptance. They engage in certain behaviors in a desire to prove to themselves that they are valuable, desirable, beautiful, or worthy. Their initial act may be one of rebellion, but in a warped and twisted way it is also an act of seeking self-acceptance. The desire is to say, "I can act on my own. I am independent. I can make this decision myself. I can engage in this adult behavior now." At the core of it all is ultimately a deep need to be accepted by God. The person who becomes addicted always has, at some point in the cycle of addiction, an unexpressed need to prove himself worthy to God and to be accepted by God. Or the person feels that he is not accepted by God and therefore seeks to deny that such acceptance is important to him. Of course, acceptance is important, and all of his efforts at denying this need in his life drive him to deeper and deeper addiction. How THESE NEEDS RELATE TO WHOLENESS Wholeness cannot be achieved unless one factors in emotional and spiritual need. A person cannot claim to be whole just because he is healthy physically, has his material needs met, and has good relationships with his spouse, children, colleagues, and friends. The person who ignores his emotional and spiritual self is not whole from God's perspective. Rather, he is missing pieces or is sorely deficient in areas of his being. God created us to be spiritual and emotional beings. In that way we are most like God—in the spiritual, inner dimension we have been created 64 • Our Unmet Needs "in His own image" (Gen. 1:27). The spiritual, emotional, psychological nature is the foremost aspect of who we are. It is the part of us that has a capacity for eternity. After having created this essential and vital aspect of man's being, God then put man in a physical body, set him in a natural environment, gave him material substance, and blessed him with human companions. When we neglect or negate the emotional and spiritual part of who God made us to be, we are immediately in a state of need, lack, want, and disharmony. The symptoms of frustration and a general restlessness of spirit—perhaps even anxiety, a lingering melancholy, a sense of things being not quite right—are symptoms of this lack of wholeness, and only when we are willing to go to the very core of who we are as human beings and invite God to do a work that makes us whole in spirit and soul are we going to experience wholeness and a lasting solution for the symptoms of our restless hearts. Any attempt to alleviate symptoms without going to the root need will have two negative results: First, symptoms will recur. The alleviation of symptoms is only temporary and never complete when symptoms alone are addressed and root causes remain. In many cases, the symptoms will multiply and spill over into other situations, circumstances, or relationships in our lives. Second, wholeness will be postponed. The underlying situation will remain and fester. A preoccupying concern with alleviating symptoms often pushes the real solution for the real problem to a future date and then a more future date and yet a future date. If you are addicted to something today, if you feel driven to have a sexual relationship, if you can think of little else other than getting married, if you feel you are starving for love, ask God to reveal the deeper inner need that is driving these symptomatic needs. Ask Him to heal you where, indeed, you are hurting the most. •6 . A Close Look at God's Promise to Meet Our Needs c.@\ Do you truly believe that God is capable of meeting your needs and that He desires to meet all of your needs? Some people ask, "If God is all-powerful and all-knowing, and if He loves me with an infinite and unconditional love—and therefore, He not only is capable of meeting all my needs but also desires to meet my needs—why doesn't God just meet all my needs right now? Whir do I still have needs? When the apostle Paul wrote from a prison cell, 'My God shall supply all your need,' why do I still have a lack of supply?" (See Phil. 4:19.) Others say, "I know God is capable of meeting my needs, but since I still have needs, God must not want to meet them." Still others question sincerely, "Why didn't God meet all my needs the moment I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior?" These are excellent questions, worthy of close examination. At the outset of our discussion about these questions, let me assure you again that God is committed to meeting all of your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. A commitment is a pledge, a statement of a sure promise. The value of any commitment is based upon two things: 1. The ability of the promise maker to fulfill the promise. 2. The integrity of the promise maker, which might also be stated as 65 66 • Our Unmet Needs the character to follow through on what has been said and do what has been promised. God certainly qualifies as One who will stand behind His commitments on both accounts. He has all of the wisdom, power, and ability necessary to fulfill His promises to us. He also has proven integrity— God has always done what He has said He would do. God is utterly faithful to His Word. He is holy and immutable; He is unchanging. His character is impeccable. There are those who say, "Well, the Bible's promises are fine for the people back then, but Paul was writing to the Philippians, not to me. Times are different now. Things have changed." Friend, all of God's Word is for you, right now, right where you are. It all applies to you. Why is this so? Because the Author of the Bible hasn't changed. The Scriptures are true today because the Author still stands by His Word! His commandments, statutes, and promises have not changed; they reflect our unchanging God. He is the same "yesterday, today, and forever" (Heb. 13:8). The only times in God's Word in which God has not done what He said He was going to do are times when God's promises were conditional and man's behavior was an intervening factor. WHAT IS THE NATURE OF THE PROMISE? The better we know God—the more intimate our fellowship is with Him—the more we will trust God to do what He has said He will do. And the more we know about a promise in the Bible, the more we understand our role in bringing a promise to fulfillment. As we study the Bible, we must ask several questions anytime we come to a promise in the Scriptures: • • • • • • • To whom is the promise given? Who is making the promise? What is God really saying? What does God desire for me to do? How does God desire to act on my behalf? What is the end goal or the purpose for the promise? What is God's motivation in making this promise? God's Promise to Meet Our Needs • 67 The more we know about the promise, the more we understand whether it is a conditional or unconditional promise. TWO CATEGORIES OF PROMISES All of God's promises fall into one of two categories: unconditional or conditional. As we read, memorize, and quote God's Word, we must be very careful to discern clearly the difference between these two categories. Unconditional promises. In an unconditional promise, God states that He will do something regardless of man's behavior. In other words, God is going to do what He desires to do with or without any input or response from mankind. Nothing will interfere with or keep God from doing what He has said He will do. An example is the promise of Jesus to His disciples that He is going to return one day. Absolutely nothing that man does or does not do can keep Jesus from fulfilling this promise in the fullness of God's timing and according to God's plans and purposes. Christ will come again. Another unconditional promise is the promise of Jesus that He would never leave or forsake His disciples. Regardless of what people do or don't do, regardless of circumstances or situations that may arise, regardless of any mediating or intervening factors, Jesus will not forsake those who have put their trust in Him. That unconditional promise stands for all disciples at all times in all places and in all situations. Conditional promises. In a conditional promise, God's actions are based in part on man's responses to God's commands. What man does, therefore, influences God's fulfillment of a promise. Too often, people take some of God's conditional promises as being unconditional. That is a very dangerous error to make, and it can lead to frustration, disappointment, disillusionment, and even doubt about the goodness of God. How so? Well, if a person regards a promise of God as being unconditional when it is actually a conditional promise, he may very well fail to meet the conditions associated with the promise because he isn't looking for any conditions. He assumes that God is going to do everything and he is required to do nothing. In his failure to meet the conditions, of course, he negates the promise. Not realizing this, however, he begins to wonder why God is taking so long to meet his need. He begins to doubt whether God really meant what He said. Soon he 68 • Our Unmet Needs doubts whether God cares or whether God is truly to be trusted on any matter. Consider a situation in which a father says to his son, "I will buy you a new car when you finish college." The son is very excited—so excited that he fails to hear the full meaning of his father's statement. The boy goes to college for two years and decides that he has had enough of college. He gets a job and starts wondering when Dad is going to provide the new car he promised. The fact is, the boy did not finish college— in the sense of completing a college degree. He just finished college from the standpoint that he stopped attending classes! The promise was a conditional one, and the error occurred because the son defined the conditions in a way the father had not defined them. Too many people make this same mistake when it comes to our heavenly Father. They decide when the conditions are met rather than trust God with that determination. The results are failure and disappointment. We must be very careful in reading God's promises to determine precisely what the conditions of a conditional promise may be. Look again at Philippians 4:19: "My God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Ask yourself, Is this a conditional promise of God, or is this an unconditional promise? This passage happens to be a conditional promise. How is it conditional? First, Paul said, "My God." If a person cannot say, 'My God"—in other words, if a personal relationship has not been established with Jesus as Savior—then this promise is not in effect. Second, Paul said that needs will be met "by Christ Jesus." If a person looks to any other person or source to meet his needs, the promise is not in effect. This promise is based upon a relationship between Christ Jesus and those who follow Him. We might call this a family promise. It is in effect only for the family of God. It is not a promise for the unbeliever or the person who does not trust Jesus as Lord of his life. Note that I did not say that this promise is limited to a particular church, denomination, or group of believers within the body of Christ. God has only one family—people who confess Jesus Christ as Savior and seek to follow Jesus as Lord. God's Promise to Meet Our Needs • 69 What about the Christian who doesn't have all of his needs met? The first place you need to look when a need is not being met is not at God or at His Son, Christ Jesus, but at yourself. You err greatly when you ask, Why hasn't God lived up to His promise? You are wise to ask instead, What am I doing that is keeping God from fulfilling this promise in my life? You may respond, "Well, I'm not doing anything to keep this promise from being fulfilled! If you knew my circumstances or my situation . . ." Let me assure you that no circumstance or situation is going to keep God from acting on your behalf. Nothing is too great or too powerful to stand in the way if God chooses to act. The real question remains, What are you doing in the midst of your circumstances or situation? Do you already have a preconceived idea about how God should act to meet your needs or whom God may use to meet your needs? I have encountered a number of people who have said to me, "Well, if he would just do such and such and she would agree to do so-and-so, then my need would be met." Or they have said, "Well, I did such and such and therefore God must do this and that." Those who make such statements are not trusting God to be their Need Meeter. Rather, they are asking God to exert His power on behalf of their wishes and commands. We are called by God to trust Him, and Him alone, to meet our needs and to be our total source of supply. Furthermore, God requires that we obey Him as a part of our trusting Him. We have the situation completely backward anytime we start expecting God to trust us to know what is right and to obey our commands so that He might prove His love for us. Our position is one of standing before God, declaring, "I trust You completely to meet my needs in Your timing and according to Your methods." Anyone who takes the stance before almighty God, "You must do things my way," is presumptuous and foolish. GOD'S MOTIVATIONS FOR MEETING OUR NEEDS What's in it for God? Why does God give to us? What are His motivations for meeting our needs? 70 • Our Unmet Needs MOTIVATED BY LOVE God's foremost motivation for meeting all your needs is this: He loves you. Yes, He loves you, loves you, loves you, loves you. I would repeat it a thousand times and more if I could. There is no bottom to His divine heart. Why, then, must we do certain things in conditional promises? Why doesn't God just pour out to us all that we need? Because ultimately God is about building a loving relationship with us. Obedience to His conditions is part of having a loving relationship with God. Obedience is evidence that we are trusting God to be the source of our lives. He wants to be the One on whom we depend for provision, the One to whom we look for wise counsel, the One on whom we rely for protection. Obedience in fulfilling God's conditions is also related to our growth and development as Christian believers. We've all heard the old song that says, "I know that you know that I know that you know . . ." That's what happens when we obey. We know we are obeying, and our obedience creates in us a greater strength to ask for what we desire and to act more quickly when God directs us. CONFORMITY TO CHRIST Often we come to a promise in the Word of God and we know it is true in our minds, but we have difficulty believing it to be true in our hearts, and especially we have difficulty believing that the promise is true for us. One of the reasons we find it difficult to claim God's promises as true in our personal lives is that we do not fully understand what God is seeking to do in our lives. We must understand that God's primary purpose in our lives is not to meet our needs but to conform us into the likeness of His Son. Many people make God out to be some kind of sugar daddy, always ready and willing to give them precisely what they crave at any particular moment. They see God as the wish fulfiller, the One who turns all of our dreams into reality, the ultimate fairy godfather, the One who makes all things just the way we desire for them to be. While it is true that God is our Father and our Provider, and while it is equally true that God desires only the best for us for all eternity, God is not present in our lives to do God's Promise to Meet Our Needs • 71 things our way. He is present in our lives so that we might desire and choose to do things His way. God does not exist for our pleasure. We exist for His pleasure. God does not exist to make all of our personal human and often shortsighted dreams come true. We exist so that we might have a part in His plan and purpose for the ages. We do not make God and then tell Him what to do for us. God made us, and He is the One who orders and directs our lives. When we approach the promises of God, we must always keep in mind that God's ultimate purpose in our lives is to conform us into the image of Jesus Christ. God desires for us the same relationship He had with Jesus—a close intimacy so that we do only what the Father directs us to do and all that we do is for His glory. Jesus was 100 percent obedient to the will of God the Father in all things. He relied exclusively upon God the Father for direction, wisdom, sustenance, provision, and power. Jesus drew His identity solely from God the Father—everything about the character of Jesus was identical to the character of God the Father. Like Jesus. That is what the Father has in mind for you and for me. He is creating in us the character of Christ. He is molding us to be obedient to His plan for us and in intimate loving relationship with Him. God meets your needs always in the context of making you more like Jesus. A FRESH AND DAILY RELATIONSHIP A prominent Hebrew name for God is El Shaddai—God who Provides. El Shaddai was a living presence to the Israelites, the God who guided them in a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, the God who gave them manna every morning, the God who provided water from solid rock, the God who protected them from Pharaoh's armies, the God who met with Moses face-to-face. El Shaddai was the Provider, their only Provider. The Israelites knew from their experiences in the wilderness that El Shaddai provided their daily needs. Jesus spoke of this also when He taught His disciples to pray, "Give us this day our daily bread" (Matt. 6:11). The prophet Jeremiah wrote, 72 • Our Unmet Needs This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. Through the LORD'S mercies we are not consumed, Because His comp assionsfail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I hope in Him!" (Lam. 3:21-24) The One who meets our needs is fresh and new in His supply every day. He doesn't give us stale leftovers. His supply is precisely what we need in the moment we need it. Everything He gives us is fresh, new, alive, vibrant, powerful. We cannot awaken on any given morning and be without God's mercies and His compassions. Regardless of what we have done or said the day before, God is with us in a fresh new relationship every morning. Every night before we go to sleep, we need to confess our sins to God and receive His forgiveness. We need to do this not so that God will awaken the next morning full of love, forgiveness, and mercy toward us, but so that we will awaken the next morning able to receive the fullness of the love, forgiveness, and mercy He extends to us. God never drags around our unconfessed sins, but we do. The burden of guilt is something we carry. It is vital that we set down the burden of those sins so we can take up the blessings that God has prepared for us to have. You can trust God to meet your needs with a provision that is fresh and good—it will be exciting and life-giving, satisfying and sufficient. AN EXTENSION OF HIS GLORY I once overheard a child offer this as an excuse for his behavior: "I just couldn't help myself." To a certain extent, God meets our needs and desires to give us good gifts because it is His very nature to do so. He cannot fail to give. He cannot fail to love. God's good gifts flow from His goodness. God's very nature of goodness motivates Him to give good gifts and to give them and give them and give them. There is no end to either God's desire to give good gifts to His children or His ability to give good gifts. And therefore, we can never fully exhaust the storehouse of good gifts that are laid up for us. God's Promise to Meet Our Needs • 73 I once took an informal poll and asked people at random to tell me the first word that came to their minds to describe the nature of God. Many people responded with these words: holy, righteous, just, absolute, eternal. A few people said loving or forgiving. But it was only after asking dozens of people this question that someone responded withgood. Most people don't seem to think of God as being good to them. They tend to think of God as being demanding, exacting, and unrelenting. They see Him as prosecutor, judge, and jury. They see Him as distant, remote, and unfeeling--the Creator, the Higher Power, the Almighty. While God certainly bears all of these titles and attributes, He also bears the attributes of faithful, merciful, forgiving, loving, kind, gentle, nurturing, providing, protecting, and good. We have a lot more ability at times to imagine other people—from close family members to total strangers—doing something good for us than we have the ability to imagine that God might truly pour out an overwhelming blessing on our lives. A provision always for good. All that God has for us is good. His supply is not only ample, but it is of the highest and finest quality. Jeremiah knew this great truth about God: The LORD isgood to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It isgood that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the LORD. (Lam. 3:25-26) God sees the whole of our lives, beginning to ending and on into eternity. He knows what is the best for us not only now but tomorrow and next month and next year and twenty years from now His gifts to us are always good for us. A good parent does not give a child a gift that will make the child unhappy. Neither does he give the child everything the child thinks will make him happy. A parent gives what he believes is best for the child, in the right amounts, at the right times. When I was a boy, there were lots of foods that I didn't particularly like. I ate them anyway. I ate them because my mother cooked them for me and she insisted that I eat them. I ate them because I was hungry and what was put before me was all that was available for me to eat. But that 74 • Our Unmet Needs still didn't mean that I enjoyed the taste of all the foods that were put on my plate. An amazing thing happened somewhere along the way to adulthood. I started liking some of the foods that I didn't like as a child. Some of the things to which I would have liked to have said "no, thank you" as a child are things I find myself ordering from menus. That same thing happens to us as we grow in our relationship with Christ and become more conformed to His nature. Some things that we didn't like when we were in an unforgiven, sinful state become things that we dearly love. Some things that we weren't all that fond of when we were babes in Christ become things that are pleasurable to us as we mature in our faith and in our love relationship with God. The opposite situation is also true. There were things that I craved and enjoyed as a child that I no longer like. I look back on some foods that I liked as a child and a teenager, and I think, Why did I ever think that tasted good? In like manner, there are things that people do when they are in sin that seem good to them at that state of their lives, but that become things they wouldn't dream of doing once they know Christ or are more mature in Christ. Our minds are renewed when we come to Christ, and a big part of that renewal is a change in the things that we define as good, desirable, pleasurable, rewarding, and satisfying. Our definition of what is good changes as we come to Christ and grow into His likeness. However, God always sees what is absolutely good for us—things that are good for us now, good for us in every area of our lives, good for those around us, and good for us through all eternity. He gives us only the things that are truly beneficial for our growth as His children and that are beneficial for the advancement of His kingdom on this earth. The question to ask yourself if you have an unmet need today is this: Is this thing that I need something that God defines as good for my life? Proactive and creative in His giving. A woman once told me that one of the best Christmas presents she ever received was a stereo record player that her parents bought for her when she was eleven years old. She said, "It had never dawned on me to ask for a stereo. I'm not sure I even knew that stereo units like the one I received had been manufactured. I certainly would not have asked for such an expensive present. But my parents in their generosity gave me a stereo, and it was a gift that gave God's Promise to Meet Our Needs • 75 me countless hours of pleasure during my teen years. My parents continued to monitor the records that I bought. Their gift of a stereo wasn't without certain limitations about how loud or how late at night I could play it. Even so, the gift was an overwhelming one to me. It was a gift they knew I would enjoy even though /didn't know how much I would enjoy it until months had passed." This is the way God gives to us. He gives us what He knows will bring us great pleasure and joy, even though we in our finite wisdom and understanding may not know fully what we need or desire. God does not wait for others to initiate the provision for our innermost needs. He assumes a proactive position in meeting our needs. God may use other people in the process, but He creates, orchestrates, and engineers the solution that satisfies. Do you believe even for a second that God is surprised by the need you are experiencing? Do you believe that your sudden lack in a certain area of your life is either a mystery or a surprise to God? To the contrary—God knows you far better than you will ever know yourself. He knew about this need in your life today long before you were ever conceived in your mother's womb. Not only did God know about that need, but He knew His provision for meeting that need. Just as your need is no surprise and no mystery to Him, neither is the provision for solving your problem or meeting your need hidden from His understanding or ability. God will not keep anything from you that you need to know. God will not withhold anything from you that is rightfully yours as His child. God will not hide any aspect of His character from you. God will not deny you any promise that He makes in His Word. God will not shut you away from any blessing that is for your eternal benefit or that is required for the fulfillment of your purpose on this earth. And best of all, God has already prepared for you all that you will need for every day of the rest of your life. •7 . The Provision of Unlimited Supply ca Do you believe there is a need that might be outside God's ability to meet it? In your heart of hearts, do you believe God is going to supply only 80 percent of your needs, or perhaps 90 percent, or even 99 percent? Not so! When Paul wrote, "My God shall supply all your need," he meant precisely that. All. Not a percentage of. Not a fraction of. All. I have heard people say on a number of occasions, "Oh, yes, I have a need in my life. But God has been so good to me . . ." What is such a person saying? In essence he is saying that he believes he has used up all of his allotted portion of blessings. His current need lies just beyond God's storeroom of supply. His current need pushes him into the category of being selfish or greedy, and therefore, he expects God to