Lesson 4 Assignment (30 pts.) PDF

Lesson 4 100 required reading Lesson 4 Assignment (30 pts.) After reading this lesson and viewing the video, answer each of the following questions. Each answer should be 50 to 100 words long, in your own words, and thoroughly explained. Each question is worth 10 points for a total of 30 possible...

Lesson 4 100 required reading Lesson 4 Assignment (30 pts.) After reading this lesson and viewing the video, answer each of the following questions. Each answer should be 50 to 100 words long, in your own words, and thoroughly explained. Each question is worth 10 points for a total of 30 possible points. 1) Discuss what a family does in response to the chaos of addiction in the family. In your discussion bring in the concept of homeostasis. 2) Discuss the six roles in a family with addiction(s). 3) Identify the addiction related organizations or places a family could get help. Addiction as a Family Affliction In family systems, addiction affects everyone. Families form systems that are much more than the individuals who comprise them. Every family has its own “organization,” and family members develop particular ways of acting and reacting with each other and with the outside world. These patterns of interaction between family members give each family system a particular equilibrium and style related to such areas as expectations (spoken and unspoken); how feelings are expressed (or not); how conflict is managed (or avoided); how family issues are communicated in the world outside the family system; and what roles and responsibilities family members are assigned—consciously and unconsciously. These factors help shape the personality styles and behaviors of each family member. Change in any part of the family system leads to changes in all parts of the system. Think of a mobile hanging from the ceiling or over a crib in a child’s room: each part is inextricably connected to the other parts such that, when one part moves, all of the other parts move in response to it. As it relates to families, this process can work in a variety of ways. For example, when one family member—for instance, a parent—is overly responsible and controlling, this influences the attitudes and behaviors of other family members. Adult partners and children both typically respond by becoming somewhat less responsible. Conversely, when a family member struggles with active addiction, he or she usually under-functions and behaves irresponsibly. This, too, shapes the behavior of other family members. They typically respond by becoming more controlling and overly responsible. Whenever a family member struggles with any serious ongoing condition, everyone in the family is significantly affected. The equilibrium or balance of the family system shifts as each member changes and adjusts accordingly. These changes usually occur incrementally, subtly, and unconsciously. The havoc active addiction creates in families and relationships stresses everyone in these “systems”—parents, children, siblings, spouses, partners, close friends, etc. Active addiction destabilizes the home environment, disrupts family life and muddling relationships, and often compromises finances, as well as mental, emotional, and physical health. Without assistance and unless family members and significant others learn and practice how to do things differently, these effects can be chronic and long-term. The addiction of a loved one brings up many difficult questions that may leave you unable to understand what is happening and why, and feeling like you are riding an emotional rollercoaster you can’t get off. You may find yourself struggling with a number of painful and conflicting emotions, including guilt, shame, self-blame, frustration, anger, sadness, depression, anxiety, and fear. No one, and no family, is immune from addiction. Like any other chronic disorder, addiction to alcohol and other drugs afflicts people regardless of age, income level, educational background, race, ethnicity, religion/spirituality, sexuality, and community. Anyone can become addicted, and anyone can become affected by another person’s addiction. No one comes into this world knowing how to deal effectively with the addiction of a loved one. Fortunately, a process of recovery is also available to the family members and significant others of addicts to promote their own health and healing. This process involves becoming consciously aware of the specific ways in which addiction affects families and relationships and learning a new set of skills that must be practiced on an ongoing basis. Recovery for family members You may be thinking, Why do I need to change anything? He/she’s the problem! Among the greatest challenges family members and significant others face in getting help for themselves is that they believe the problem rests exclusively with their addicted loved one and/or their situation and that everything will be okay if only their addicted loved one gets “fixed.” And as long as they stick to this belief, the problem usually continues to get worse. Obviously, you didn’t cause your loved one’s problem, and experience demonstrates (often painfully) that you can’t control the problem—however, there are ways in which family members often unknowingly contribute to the problem. For the family members of those struggling with addiction, the basic foundation of recovery is the conscious awareness and non-judgmental acceptance that everyone is responsible for their own behavior in any situation, and the only part of the problem that you have the ability to change is your part. The only thing you can change is you, and this is the essence of the recovery process—whether for someone in active addiction or their family members and significant others. Recovery involves learning, growth, and healing. It is a process by which a person learns and practices new patterns of living—developing the awareness and building the skills to live a whole, healthy, and healed life. Being in recovery means that a person is participating in life activities that are healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling for them. Similar to working out physically, progress in recovery requires learning how to go through a certain degree of discomfort and pain—as in no pain, no gain. Like other areas of life, the greatest growth comes from pushing yourself to go beyond the boundaries of the boxes of familiarity and comfort that you have constructed for yourself. This is a journey that can help you learn how to be okay within yourself no matter what is going on outside of you, and regardless of whether or not your addicted loved one ever finds their own recovery. Copyright 2016 Dan Mager, MSW All Rights Reserved.  Addiction and the Family System Key Terms and Concepts Find the definitions of the following key terms in required readings and resources presented in this lesson: Codependency Enabling Family homeostasis Instruction The Family System Addiction is a family disease. All members of a family can be affected by the addiction of just one of its members. As the member with an addiction changes over time, the rest of the family adjusts, whether consciously or unconsciously to this change in the family dynamic in a process called family homeostasis (Jackson, 1957). In response to the "chaos" (addiction) of the family system, members of the family seek homeostasis by taking on roles to adapt. Homeostasis refers to a family's attempt at a balance. While these roles may be seen in all families, in the family with addiction, the roles are rigid and stuck. The first role is the dependent. The dependent person is the one that has the substance use disorder/addiction (Reiter, 2015). The second role is the chief enabler, or enabler. Enabling is when a person, basically, covers for another person. More formally, it can be understood as a "behavior that inadvertently supports the addiction process by helping the alcoholic or addict avoid the natural consequences of irresponsible behavior" (Thombs & Osborn, 2013, p. 195). With addiction, for example, this can be the wife calling into work for her husband who is home with a hangover. Sometimes the enabler is referred to as the codependent. "It describes an unhealthy relationship pattern typically between two adults; often one of these persons has a substance use problems and the other does not (the codependent)... The codependent person protects the alcoholic or addict from the natural consequences of substance abuse (Thombs & Osborn, 2013, p. 192). Children raised at home with an addicted member can be greatly affected by this lack of homeostasis, or balance, within the home. Wegscheider (1981) discussed common roles that children play when being raised in a dysfunctional home, such as the "hero," "scapegoat," "lost child," and "mascot/comedian." In each role, the child acts in an attempt to balance the home environment. Fisher and Harrison (2005) explain these four roles. The hero is often a compulsive high-achiever who seeks achievement as a way to detract from the issues related to the addiction. The scapegoat child attempts to gain parental attention by acting out in defiance or irresponsibility, diverting attention from the addiction. Some children go to the other extreme and become "lost" or withdrawn and shy, requiring little attention from their family. The family mascot is often mischievous and funny to defuse the tension that accompanies family life with a person who has an addiction. These roles highlight the effects of alcohol or drug problems on children growing up within these households and may put these children at risk for developing their own issues with drugs or alcohol (Fisher & Harrison, 2005). Within the family system as a whole lie three distinct subsystems: the marital, the parent-child, and the sibling subsystems (Fisher & Harrison, 2005). Each one of these subsystems can be affected by the presence of drug and alcohol abuse. Conflict and hostility often increase in marital relationships as the addiction progresses, and the nonaddicted spouse may deal with the addiction in extremes, such as withdrawing from the marriage or showing extreme protection over the addict (Jacob, Blane, Cvitkovic, & Ritchey, 1981; Guthrie & Orford, 1976). Research indicates that parent-child relationships have high rates of enmeshment and dysfunction in homes with alcoholism or other substance abuse (Kaufman & Kaufman, 1992). Individuals can influence their siblings to engage in substance use by modeling drug behaviors or providing drugs (Kaufman & Kaufman, 1992). Help for the family can come in the way of individual substance use disorder therapy for the person with the addiction, family therapy for the entire family as well as self-help meetings. Some self-help meetings can include Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous for people with alcoholism or other drug addictions. Al-Anon meetings for family and friends of people with addictions are available, which can include Alateen meetings teenagers. Further, Co-dependents Anonymous and ACOA(Adult Children of Alcoholics/Addicts) meetings are also available. These meetings are free and the designated OPEN meetings are open to the public. You will learn more about self-help meetings in a future lesson. Assessing Your Learning Review the information contained in each of the following links before completing the assignment. "What is Critical Reading?" (opens in a new tab) "Analysis" (opens in a new tab) Addictions Studies Rubric PDF (opens in a new tab) for specific grading criteria on all assignments Graded Assignment Lesson 4 Assignment (30 pts.) After reading this lesson and viewing the video, answer each of the following questions. Each answer should be 50 to 100 words long, in your own words, and thoroughly explained. Each question is worth 10 points for a total of 30 possible points.  1. Discuss what a family does in response to the chaos of addiction in the family. In your discussion bring in the concept of homeostasis. 2. Discuss the six roles in a family with addiction(s). 3. Identify the addiction related organizations or places a family could get help. Select the following link and paste this assignment into the textbox. Select the submit button when you are ready to submit this assignment to your instructor: Lesson 4 Assignment (opens in a new tab). Review Submitting Assignments PDF (opens in a new tab) if you need help copying and pasting your assignment. Summarizing Your Learning The activity in this section Summarizing Your Learning is not to be submitted to your instructor. Instead, it provides an additional practice to help you master lesson objectives. Think about what you learned in this lesson about families and addiction. Take some time to reflect on how the concept of family systems is important to addiction counselors. References Fisher, G. L., & Harrison, T. C. (2005). Substance abuse: Information for school counselors, social workers, therapists, and counselors (3rd ed.). Boston, MA: Allyn & Bacon. Guthrie, S., & Orford, J. (1976). Coping behavior used by wives of alcoholics: A preliminary study. In G. Edward, R. D. Hawks, & M. MacCafferty (Eds.), Alcohol dependence and smoking behavior (pp. 136-143). Lexington, MA: The Haworth Press. Jackson, D. D. (1957). The question of family homeostasis. Psychiatric Quarterly Supplement, 31, 79-90. Jacob, T., Blane, H. T., Cvitkovic, J. F., & Ritchey, P. (1981). Communication styles of alcoholic and non-alcoholic families when drinking and not drinking. Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 42, 466-482. Kaufman, E., & Kaufman, P. (1992). From psychodynamic to structural to integrated family treatment of chemical dependency. In E. Kaufman & P. Kaufman (Eds.), Family therapy of drug and alcohol abuse (pp. 34-45). Boston, MA: Allyn and Bacon. Koffinke, C. (1991). Family recovery issues and treatment resources. In D.C. Daley & M.S. Raskin (Eds.), Treating the chemically dependent and their families. New Park, CA: Sage. Reiter, M.D. (2015). Substance abuse and the family. New York: Routledge Thombs, D.L. & Osborn, C. J. (2013). Introduction to addictive behaviors. (4th ed.). New York: Guilford. Wegscheider, S. (1981). Another chance: Hope and health for the alcoholic family. Palo Alto, CA: Science and Behavior Books. Wasted: Exposing the Family Effect of Addiction | Sam Fowler | TEDxFurmanU I have some people that I would like you guys to meet this is my family now for a while I felt that my family was different now I know what you're thinking you look at this picture and you think they don't look different they look perfect and polished and happy well I felt different for a very long time the reason I felt this way is because of the little boy on the left side of the screen that is my oldest brother he was diagnosed with the disease five years ago and it's changed my life in ways that I couldn't fathom before the disease I'm referring to his addiction my oldest brother is an addict and he's been struggling with substance abuse for about five years now now it's really important for me to frame this to you as a disease because that's exactly what it 1:02 is it's been a really long time for me 1:04 to grapple with that idea in my head 1:06 when I first heard about addiction and 1:08 saw it in action I thought it was 1:11 something monstrous scary but my brother 1:14 described it to me in this way he told 1:17 me that it feels like if someone put a 1:19 cup of water in front of you and you 1:21 haven't had a drink in three days you're 1:24 incredibly thirsty then they try to have 1:27 a conversation with you while sitting 1:28 right next to it odds are you're not 1:31 gonna care about what they're saying 1:32 about the relationship or about how 1:35 you're behaving the only thing you can 1:38 think about is having that glass of 1:39 water now imagine if you were in that 1:42 kind of survival mode all the time how 1:46 you would act and how you would think 1:47 and how you would feel this survival 1:53 mode is what has caused a lot of 1:56 internal psychological repercussions in 1:58 my family I learned about all of this 2:01 when I first went to a rehab when I was 2:03 in high school as far as my friends knew 2:05 I was on a fun beach vacation in Palm 2:08 Beach on my snapchat it was all pictures 2:11 of palm trees and the pool 2:12 and fun but in reality we were going to 2:15 rehab for a family weekend had addiction 2:19 center that's where they told me 2:22 something that changed my life forever 2:23 they told me that addiction is actually 2:26 more dangerous for family members than 2:29 for the addict themself and I know that 2:32 doesn't make much sense it didn't make 2:33 any sense to me at all 2:35 I didn't understand how a drug that I 2:38 wasn't using could be dangerous to me 2:42 over the years it unfolded and they 2:45 understood why the reason this is is 2:47 because in the very worst moments of 2:50 addiction and the overdoses and the 2:53 relapses the suicide threats the addict 2:57 is numb 2:58 they're completely unconscious to who 3:01 they are and what they're feeling but 3:04 the family is sober not only do they 3:08 have to watch somebody that they love 3:09 turn into somebody that they don't know 3:12 but they also have to watch them turn 3:15 into somebody that they might fear which 3:17 is what I've experienced I first 3:20 experienced the psychological effects of 3:22 the family disease that I like to call 3:25 addiction when I was 16 years old I was 3:30 16 I woke up one morning my parents were 3:33 out of town and my other brother was 3:34 gone as well and it was just me and my 3:37 oldest brother in the house I was 3:39 ecstatic because we were finally at that 3:41 age where we could be friends and we 3:43 could start getting to know each other 3:44 on a deeper level I woke up that morning 3:46 with plans of what we were gonna do that 3:48 day how we were gonna spend it bonding 3:51 and doing our favorite activities I went 3:53 to his room to wake him up for a brunch 3:55 reservations knocked on his door and 3:58 there was no answer so I walked in 4:01 that's when I saw him on the bed 4:04 motionless I thought he was just 4:06 sleeping so I went over and sat on his 4:09 bed that's when I saw him trying to 4:12 murmur words to me that didn't make any 4:14 sense and he was trying to move and cut 4:17 in and I felt his hand it was cold and 4:22 it was beating so 4:23 slow his heartbeat it's going so slow at 4:29 that moment the only thought in my head 4:31 was is my brother dying I'm sixteen I 4:35 don't know what that looks like I don't 4:36 know if this is an overdose or relapse 4:38 he's just sleepy I couldn't tell but I 4:41 knew I was too small to pick him up and 4:44 put him anywhere and taking the hospital 4:46 I didn't know who to call or what to do 4:48 and the only thing I could think is how 4:50 do I save my brother's life at that 4:55 moment I couldn't decide anymore if I 4:57 wanted to have a childhood I couldn't 4:59 decide if I cared about who I was taking 5:02 to homecoming that weekend or if I had a 5:05 math test on Monday 5:06 all of those seeing things suddenly 5:08 seemed very arbitrary when it came to 5:11 something so life and death at that 5:14 moment everything changed and I started 5:17 to harbor these feelings of fear every 5:20 day it would be a happier story for me 5:23 to tell you that that was a one-time 5:25 occurrence but it wasn't that's 5:28 something that I've experienced so many 5:30 times over these past five years and my 5:33 family has as well 5:34 the phone calls and the suicide threats 5:36 and the terrifying moments when you 5:38 think it might be your last words to 5:40 that person now imagine with me for one 5:43 moment somebody you love more than 5:45 anything in the world imagine them in 5:47 your head now imagine if every morning 5:51 every night you woke up with the thought 5:52 I went to sleep with the thought that 5:54 they might be dead the next day imagine 5:58 what that would do I can tell you what 6:01 it did to me at first it was just 6:03 anxiety then it turned into chronic 6:06 anxiety and then chronic depression 6:10 eventually and recently and turned into 6:12 suicidal thoughts of my own which was 6:15 terrifying and even more recently 6:18 self-harm which is something I never 6:21 thought I would do to myself but 6:24 addiction and seeing it in action 6:25 effects your mind in a different way you 6:28 start to become numb to the idea of 6:30 death and you start to become numb to 6:32 these terrifying events more than that I 6:35 knew that 6:36 if I came and told my family what I was 6:39 feeling or if I went and told my friends 6:41 it would seem stupid because what do my 6:44 emotions matter when somebody's life is 6:47 at stake why should I share my 6:50 experience I thought of myself for a 6:53 very long time in one word a burden I 6:58 thought that I was going to be a burden 7:00 if I opened up and shared what I was 7:02 feeling I thought it didn't matter 7:04 I decided silently to myself that I 7:08 would be anonymous that I wouldn't talk 7:11 about it but no one was going to know 7:13 about this because I didn't want to put 7:15 any extra stress on my family and my 7:18 friends put them through anything more 7:20 than they needed to go through it wasn't 7:23 just me who decided to be anonymous my 7:27 family silently and collectively decided 7:29 to do this as well we thought together 7:31 this will be the best way to conquer 7:34 addiction we won't talk about it it'll 7:37 be hidden no one will know and we 7:39 continue life as normal the show must go 7:43 on same way it always has the reason we 7:46 started doing this at the beginning was 7:48 because we wanted to save my brother we 7:50 thought that anonymity would be the way 7:52 to make him safer to put him in the 7:56 shadows so that people wouldn't judge 7:58 him differently as see him differently 8:00 maybe that he would not get a job or his 8:03 friends would leave or something like 8:05 that 8:05 but then we started realizing it wasn't 8:08 working and maybe the real reason we 8:11 wanted to be anonymous wasn't to save 8:13 him but to save ourselves there's a 8:16 stigma against addiction in our culture 8:18 that we don't like to acknowledge we 8:22 like to think of families of addicts as 8:25 almost bad families often I hear when I 8:29 say that my brother's an addict people 8:30 ask me what happened in his childhood to 8:32 make him become an addict 8:34 what traumatic event triggered this 8:36 right well I'm here to say we were 8:40 raised the same way it could have easily 8:42 been me that became an addict and that I 8:45 just equate to luck 8:48 sometimes it's not necessarily about a 8:50 traumatic event or a bad family it is a 8:53 disease inside of your brain but having 8:55 that stigma for us and thinking that we 8:57 were going to be viewed as a bad family 8:59 and that we were all bad in some way may 9:02 just want to stay hidden it's not just 9:06 my family and I that decided that 9:07 Anonymous was the best way to go Society 9:11 has done that as well think about the 9:13 biggest weapons we have against 9:15 addiction in our society Alcoholics 9:19 Anonymous Narcotics Anonymous they even 9:23 have family groups but they're all 9:25 anonymous my question is why do we think 9:30 that this helps why do we want to stay 9:34 anonymous well I believe we only want 9:37 anonymity for two reasons the first is 9:41 fear we they're afraid of the addict of 9:45 what the disease is of what they've done 9:47 about what people think of us or we're 9:51 ashamed we're ashamed to have them in 9:53 our life that they're part of our family 9:56 that we might have done something to 9:57 caused them to be this way and that's 10:00 not true we're ashamed to recognize that 10:03 this is a part of our society and for me 10:06 I was ashamed to recognize that this was 10:08 a normal occurrence in my life that was 10:11 just something that was happening after 10:14 all the years of seeing how addiction 10:16 affects families I can tell you two 10:18 things number one I am Not Afraid of 10:22 addiction anymore 10:24 I'm not afraid number two I am certainly 10:28 not ashamed of my brother I love my 10:31 brother I think he's brilliant and the 10:34 fact that he has disease saddens me but 10:37 does not make me ashamed to call him my 10:39 brother and to have him in my family 10:43 what I propose is vulnerability we also 10:49 have a belief that vulnerability equates 10:51 to weakness we think of it as our 10:54 Achilles heel something that can 10:56 completely destroy us but I think 10:59 vulnerability might be the only way we 11:01 can fix the 11:02 I'm not here to necessarily bring 11:04 awareness to addiction if you've seen 11:07 addiction in your life you know what it 11:09 can do 11:10 you're pretty aware what I'm here to do 11:14 is to give it a face different than how 11:16 you've imagined it before as I bet when 11:19 you first came in here you might have 11:20 viewed it addiction as something dark 11:22 and scary and dirty but what if I told 11:25 you addiction looks something more like 11:27 this my family we keep addiction in the 11:32 dark and that is our biggest mistake 11:35 because addiction is an interesting 11:37 disease and that it completely thrives 11:39 in the darkness that's where it does its 11:41 absolute best work darkness thrives in 11:45 the darkness which is why I think we 11:48 need to bring this problem to light 11:51 vulnerability is amazing to me it's 11:54 absolute courage vulnerability is a 11:57 mother sitting down her child's like my 12:00 mother did last summer she held my hands 12:04 and I saw her cry for the first time in 12:06 my life when she cried she told me that 12:09 she was afraid never in my life have I 12:12 had more respect for another woman 12:14 than in that moment because to admit 12:16 you're afraid to a child somebody that 12:19 you've tried to be composed around for 12:20 so many years that means the world 12:24 phoner ability is watching your sister 12:27 talk about addiction and talk about your 12:29 family in front of you and hope that she 12:31 says the right thing vulnerability is 12:34 telling the world that you've self 12:36 harmed not knowing if they're gonna see 12:38 you differently to me that is not how I 12:42 show weakness 12:43 it's how I show strength through all of 12:48 this my anxiety and sadness hasn't 12:52 necessarily come from a place of worry 12:54 it's more come from a place of feeling 12:56 voiceless feeling completely unseen my 13:01 brother's expressed this to me as well 13:03 that not only does he feel voiceless but 13:05 that no one even cares to listen no one 13:09 cares well by listening to me today I 13:13 have to thank you 13:14 because you've given me a voice now if 13:19 everyone would do me a favor and please 13:21 take out your cell phone and turn on the 13:23 light and hold it up high like I said 13:30 addiction makes you feel voiceless I 13:33 think we need to give it a voice the 13:39 world that I envision to be perfect is 13:41 not one where we completely mask 13:43 everything bad and shove it to the 13:45 ground and pretend it doesn't exist the 13:47 world that I envisioned to be perfect is 13:49 one where we can say yes these awful 13:51 things happen has happened to me it's 13:54 probably happened to you and yet even 13:57 then we can be brave and strong and 14:00 we're going to continue because there is 14:03 so much love in this world in an ironic 14:08 twist fate tonight I am also celebrating 14:11 my 21st birthday well as you can imagine 14:17 there's not gonna be any alcohol in 14:19 celebration of my 21st birthday and I 14:23 could not care less 14:24 I really couldn't because while there 14:27 will be no alcohol tonight 14:28 the lack of alcohol there will be 14:30 absolutely no lack of love because in 14:34 the end I don't think my story's been 14:35 one about pain and sadness and fear it's 14:40 been about every single person along the 14:42 way who has encouraged me and supported 14:44 me and held me up when I thought I was 14:46 going to fall down 14:47 who have given me a backbone who have 14:49 been someone to cry to someone to hug 14:51 someone to love one that is what my 14:55 story's about it's all the people in 14:58 life in my life and in your life that 15:01 make life worth living an addiction 15:04 worth surviving thank you 15:09 [Applause] 15:16 [Music] What's your Story? Family, Addiction and the Brain | Dr. Melissa Vayda | TEDxHarrisburg who do you think you are are you sure do 0:10 you really know who you are do you ever 0:15 think about the things that make you you 0:18 what stories do you tell about your life 0:21 better yet what stories don't you tell 0:24 about your life we all have secrets I 0:28 have mine I know you have yours 0:33 think about those things that make you 0:37 who you are think about those things 0:41 that make you smile that make you laugh 0:45 that make you cry how about those sounds 0:51 or smells that conjure up a memory where 0:54 do they come from 0:55 why do they happen life is full of these 1:01 things and it can be very disturbing 1:05 when you find out that the things that 1:07 have happened to you 1:09 made you into something that you didn't 1:11 think you were and that's what my story 1:16 is about today I took this journey of 1:21 self-discovery I didn't do it on purpose 1:25 most of us don't it just kind of happens 1:30 hi my name is Melissa I'm the adult 1:35 child of an addict I'm the adult child 1:40 of an addict in AAA they tell you that 1:44 admitting there's a problem is half the 1:47 battle I don't only believe that that's 1:50 true for the addict but I believe it's 1:53 true for the person who loves an addict 1:57 it took me a very long time to do that 2:01 you see children of addicts they often 2:06 pretend everything is okay 2:10 they work very hard to keep up 2:12 appearances and cover and make excuses 2:16 they get very good at it 2:19 trust me I got good at it I got so good 2:24 at it that I fooled myself that 2:26 everything was okay no a lot of us do 2:30 that not all of us have parents that 2:33 have addiction problems but this was my 2:38 issue that I had to deal with and as I 2:44 went through my life I discovered that 2:47 many of the things that we experienced 2:50 we think might make us strong I thought 2:55 made me self-sufficient and independent 3:00 but what I didn't realize was that those 3:04 very same things made me sad angry 3:13 detached and lonely 3:19 on the outside looking in we looked very 3:21 very normal I wasn't physically abused 3:27 I didn't appear to be neglected my 3:34 mother was a professional we lived a 3:37 middle-class lifestyle on the outside 3:41 looking in everything seemed just fine 3:49 but no one knew no one knew that I 3:53 practically raised my sister no one knew 3:57 that I paid the bills that I balanced 4:03 the checkbook no one knew that I was the 4:08 person that got the phone calls in the 4:09 middle of the night from the police or 4:12 from the hospital no one knew that I was 4:18 the person that held my mother's hand 4:22 while she went through withdrawal and no 4:28 one knew later in my life that I paid 4:31 for her rehab not once not twice but 4:34 three times 4:38 and no one knew that she stole from me 4:43 and no one knew that she stole my 4:46 identity what do you do with these 4:52 things what do you do with them she was 4:55 my mother 4:59 try dealing with that one for a life 5:04 well clearly it became a problem for me 5:08 because I had to figure it out 5:10 I had to figure it out these were things 5:13 nobody knew about me well I thought that 5:16 these were the things in my life that 5:18 made me strong and that we're gonna make 5:20 me an independent and self-sufficient 5:22 woman indeed I was right about that 5:28 but those other things I had no idea 5:33 that the same thing that made me strong 5:37 gave me a weakness 5:39 you see these weaknesses that come up in 5:42 our lives they bury themselves in our 5:45 unconscious mind our brain that becomes 5:49 the filter through which we judge and 5:52 interpret everything that happens to us 5:54 in our lives it's the part of your brain 5:58 that does thinking on its own 6:01 that's why you determined what good is 6:04 what bad is what's right what's wrong 6:08 the filter in your brain has been set 6:10 long before you even are aware that 6:14 things like that happen and it lives 6:17 with you for a lifetime and you know 6:20 those things that you try very hard at 6:22 you know you're doing I'm trying to be 6:26 strong and trying to be independent well 6:30 I'm not trying to be angry I'm not 6:32 trying to be sad how do things like that 6:37 happen our brain is amazing can be 6:41 amazing good and it can be amazing bad 6:45 so I took this journey and I tried to 6:49 figure out what to do with all of this 6:52 information 6:57 and I remembered many things about my 7:01 childhood and tried to reframe them the 7:04 story I tell that I wasn't planning on 7:06 telling today was about the nutty bar 7:08 you know the chocolate peanut butter 7:10 nutty bar well in my childhood that 7:14 nutty bar I used to call it the adult 7:17 apology it was what I was allowed to 7:21 have when my mother was sorry and so 7:26 what I realized with that in in my 7:29 lifetime when I was sad or upset or 7:32 destroyed about something I reach for 7:34 that nutty bar and I made a silly but 7:39 conscious decision to never eat a nutty 7:41 bar again for a bad reason they're in my 7:45 freezer at home 7:46 they're always there but the only time I 7:48 eat one is when something good has 7:50 happened in my life because I love them 7:53 I don't want to hate them 7:58 so God grant me the serenity for the 8:01 things that cannot change god grant me 8:05 the serenity for the things I cannot 8:07 change the courage to change the things 8:10 I can and the wisdom to know the 8:13 difference of all the prayers that a 8:18 little girl could know I knew this one 8:21 well because I would see my mother 8:26 staring at this tattered piece of paper 8:29 pinned to the wall repeating this over 8:32 and over again and sometimes she was 8:37 doing it in rage and anger and other 8:39 times there were tears streaming down 8:42 her cheeks at the time I had no idea 8:46 what the serenity prayer meant I was 8:50 able to pick up from it yeah that it 8:52 meant well there are some things 8:53 happened that happened in life that you 8:56 just can't do anything about and you 8:57 have to accept them so that was the 8:59 extent of my understanding at seven and 9:02 eight years old I learned now I wasn't 9:05 so far off but 9:10 not too long ago I found myself thinking 9:13 and remembering some memories about my 9:16 mother and thinking about the serenity 9:18 prayer and all of the sudden I realized 9:24 something I realized that she said that 9:28 prayer because she didn't want to be an 9:32 addict she was an addict do you have any 9:39 idea how much that simple simple 9:42 realization changed my entire life that 9:46 lens that I was looking through for the 9:50 first 40 years of my life changed colors 9:53 on me and I saw everything differently 9:59 and now here's the part where I tell you 10:01 those very tangible things that I 10:04 learned those very tangible things that 10:06 I learned that took me 40 years to learn 10:08 and I don't want it to take anybody else 10:10 40 years to learn they're very important 10:17 they're easy they're things you know 10:19 people you hear people talk about all 10:21 the time but the key is believing them 10:23 and understanding them and if and you 10:26 can dig into this if you love somebody 10:28 that has an addiction problem and you 10:31 can dig into this it will change the way 10:34 you feel about yourself about your 10:36 relationship with that person and also 10:39 how you feel about that person so those 10:43 things begin with the things we cannot 10:47 change the things we cannot change what 10:51 we can't change about addiction is that 10:54 it's a disease it is a disease of the 10:57 brain the other thing we can't change is 11:01 that it's hereditary it's a disease of 11:05 the brain and it's hereditary like water 11:10 flowing through a cavern creating a 11:13 river the longer it goes the deeper the 11:15 river gets and the harder it is for the 11:18 river then to change course that's 11:20 exactly how the 11:22 addiction pathways in your brain are 11:24 created from the neurons and they get 11:27 deeper and deeper and if it goes 11:29 untreated the longer it goes untreated 11:31 the more likelihood that it's going to 11:34 get passed on from generation to 11:35 generation 11:39 like other things I was I inherited 11:44 green eyes and freckles I inherited the 11:48 addiction gene as well my son he 11:53 inherited the addiction gene his 11:55 children will likely inherit it my 11:59 mother's father inherited it and his 12:02 father before him why doesn't it 12:09 happened more often that our doctors 12:12 asked us if addiction runs in our family 12:16 they ask us all the time do you have 12:19 high blood pressure that runs in your 12:20 family did anybody have a heart attack 12:22 in your family do you have a cancer that 12:23 runs in your family but we know those 12:25 are the standard things that are asked 12:27 when they take your health history well 12:31 here here is something that we can 12:34 change about the medical system have 12:36 them ask that question we know it's a 12:38 brain disease we know it's hereditary if 12:40 cancer runs in your family you may 12:45 behave differently you may have an early 12:46 screening you may prevent that disease 12:49 from taking control of your entire life 12:52 and science tells us that if we can do 12:56 that it's possible that we could prevent 12:59 it from being passed on to future 13:00 generations think about that think about 13:05 the responsibilities of the child of an 13:09 addict 13:13 so it's hereditary 13:15 it's a brain disease those are two 13:18 things we can't do anything about we 13:22 move on to the things that we can do 13:24 something about addiction can be managed 13:30 you know often times I found myself 13:33 trying to explain away why my mother was 13:35 an addict why she wouldn't stop what was 13:38 a matter with her 13:39 I was chalking it up to some kind of a 13:42 flaw and I went through my life with 13:44 different stages trying to explain it to 13:46 myself maybe she didn't love me enough 13:49 maybe I wasn't good enough or smart 13:51 enough maybe she just wanted to be an 13:54 addict maybe she didn't care and then 13:58 finally I got to the point where a lot 14:01 of people get I said she just had she 14:03 has no willpower 14:04 she has no willpower well let me tell 14:10 you an addict wants to be an addict just 14:15 as much as a diabetic wants to give up 14:18 peanut butter pie and almond joy ice 14:21 cream yeah they don't want to be addicts 14:25 they are addicts 14:29 you know willpower won't scare away 14:32 diabetes it is not gonna scare away 14:37 addiction either but it can be managed 14:43 when we know about it just like a 14:47 diabetic takes everyday steps every 14:51 single day to keep themselves 14:53 functioning normally an addict needs to 14:57 take steps every single day to keep 15:00 themselves functioning normally 15:03 those aren't the instructions we get 15:05 from the doctor we get all kinds of 15:07 things that for diabetic we get all 15:08 kinds of things if cancer runs in our 15:10 family or if high blood pressure runs in 15:12 our family but not one single thing if 15:14 addiction runs in our family it's one 15:18 thing we can change 15:20 the second thing that we can change that 15:23 was critical to me in my life was to 15:28 fully fully understand that an addicts 15:34 words and behaviors they have nothing to 15:38 do with you they have nothing to do with 15:43 you as personal as they may feel and 15:45 trust me there were times when I found 15:49 myself saying how could a mother say 15:51 that to her daughter as personal as they 15:54 may feel they aren't about you you 15:57 especially because your loved one you 15:59 become the barrier between the fear of 16:04 withdrawal you become the barrier 16:09 between their next fix they see you as a 16:13 barrier not as a loved one it doesn't 16:17 matter who you are it feels like torture 16:20 to them to know that they could 16:22 potentially go through withdrawal and we 16:25 know that people will do anything or say 16:28 anything to stop torture doesn't matter 16:34 who you are so as I went through my life 16:40 understanding a few key things about 16:44 addiction changed the way I view my life 16:47 it changed the stories I tell about my 16:49 life I believe that addiction is a brain 16:54 disease I believe that it's hereditary I 16:58 believe that it can be managed and I 17:02 also believe that in addicts actions and 17:05 behaviors aren't personal 17:11 so as I leave here today what I want to 17:15 say to all of you is take a step back 17:18 you might think you know who you are but 17:22 there are things about yourself you 17:23 can't see and my final words to you 17:28 tonight are may God give to each and 17:35 every one of you god grant me the 17:40 serenity to accept the things I cannot 17:42 change the courage to change the things 17:45 I can and the wisdom to know the 17:48 difference may he give that to you in 17:51 your life thank you