Lecture 10.docx

All right, up to this particular point, we have been talking about more recently the process dynamics of marriage and the family counseling. We don\'t have that much further to go on this, but this is such an important section because it really breaks down the details on how to work with marriage an...

All right, up to this particular point, we have been talking about more recently the process dynamics of marriage and the family counseling. We don\'t have that much further to go on this, but this is such an important section because it really breaks down the details on how to work with marriage and the family counseling issues in an organized way, in a thoughtful way, in a way that\'s going to draw out, as Proverbs chapter 20 and verse 5 says, the issues of a person\'s heart, as those issues or those plans or purposes that are part of the heart are like deep water, but a man of understanding is able to draw them out. So hopefully we\'re developing understanding through this process. So we\'re actually, in your notes there, we\'re on number nine. Number nine says, as you seek to accurately analyze and assess, you will also want to identify why the family problems have developed and continued as they are. And we want to break down the answer to this four different ways or four different reasons. Why have these marriage and family problems occurred? Let\'s answer it from one perspective, first of all, and that is a lack of inspiration, that\'s what we\'re going to say. What do we mean by that? We mean by that they really have no hope. Maybe they\'ve read some books on marriage and the family, maybe these books have been written by well-intentioned Christians, maybe those books have actually been written by Christians who call themselves counselors or psychotherapists or psychologists, and they\'ve tried to implement some of those things that are part of those books and things have just gone from bad to worse. Or maybe they\'ve heard seminars or they\'ve gone to marriage retreat weekends and they\'ve heard speakers speak on marriage and family issues and it still hasn\'t helped them a whole lot. In fact, they\'ve tried to go back and implement those things into their marriage and for a while things got better, but then they find themselves right back in the same problems that they had before. The reason is maybe they\'ve tried and failed or they\'ve not tried it God\'s way or this particular problem really has basically gone on too long. And so that\'s the reason why they lack inspiration, they lack hope. They may actually come to you as a pastoral counselor, as a last resort. You hate it when that happens, I always do. When they come as a last resort you would hope that they would come to you as a first resort, not as a last resort. But by this time the problems are so embedded, so deep, there\'s so much hopelessness that\'s going on. You look at it and you say, well I know God is mighty and powerful but this is going to be, it\'s going to take a while to dig out of this one. So what do we need to emphasize when something like this has occurred? Well, you have to when there is a lack of hope. You have to minister hope. And I want to take you over to a few of these passages real quickly. Of course the real common one there is 1 Corinthians chapter 10 and verse 13. This is always a wonderful, wonderful passage of hope. And I want to give you an example of how this could be used. 1 Corinthians 10 13. No temptation has overtaken you but such is as common to man and God is faithful who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able but with the temptation he will provide the way of escape also so that you will be able to endure it. Now that says to me, often I will say to the councilees, that says to me that you\'re not the only person to have ever faced these problems. There have been other people down through history, other husbands, other wives, other parents who have faced these problems before and they\'ve been able to face them successfully. There\'s nothing that you\'re facing in your marriage or in your parenting that\'s unique here. You may think you\'re unique, you may think you\'re the only one to face this particular problem. Sometimes I call that the Elijah syndrome. That\'s what he thought. He thought he was the only one. He was the only one that was left. You may think you\'re the only one but that\'s not true. There have been other people who have faced this particular problem and they\'ve been able to face it successfully. And we\'re also told here that God is faithful. He\'s not going to allow you to be tempted or tested here beyond what you\'re able to handle. That\'s part of the faithfulness of God. He knows your limits. Now you may have an idea about what your limits are and God has a different idea about what your limits are. He may take you beyond what you think your limits are but he\'s not going to take you beyond what the real limits are and that\'s what he says your limits are. God will not take you beyond what you\'re able to handle. But with that temptation he will also provide a way of escape. That doesn\'t mean, some councilmen want to interpret that as escaping from my problems. That doesn\'t mean escaping from the problems. And in fact that particular word escape is qualified by the next phrase so that you will be able to endure it. That escape means he gives you a method to deal with your problems. He doesn\'t necessarily get you out of the problem. You escape your hopelessness is the idea. You don\'t escape the problem. You now have something specific to be able to do about your problem. And he gives you the ability to be able to endure it. That\'s great. That begins to minister hope. The other passage that\'s there is Hebrews chapter 12 and verse 7. Hebrews chapter 12 verse 7. In fact my son and I were just talking about this passage today because he\'s leading a high school Bible study here at Grace tonight and this is what he\'s talking about. He\'s talking at the end of Hebrews 11 and then into Hebrews chapter 12. And verse 7 says it is for discipline that you endure. Actually one translation of this is really good. It talks about we are to endure hardship as discipline. That\'s really what this is saying. All hardship that we encounter in life, all difficulty that we encounter in life is to be endured as discipline. He\'s not using discipline in the sense here of punitive discipline. That\'s not the idea. It\'s not punitive discipline. It\'s discipline the way in which a coach would discipline a team. Like a basketball coach would discipline a basketball team or a football coach would discipline a football team or a soccer coach would discipline a soccer team. In a similar way God uses hardship to discipline us. And he says in verse 8, but if you are without discipline of which all have become partakers then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Of course he\'s writing to a group of Jewish Christians who are undergoing severe persecution for their faith and they were, some of them that were part of this assembly were thinking about renouncing Christ and returning to their Judaistic worship and that would let up all the pressure. Verse 9, furthermore we had earthly fathers discipline us and we respected them so shall we not much rather be subject to the father of our spirits and live. For they, speaking of our earthly fathers, disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them. It wasn\'t always best but it seemed best to them. But he always disciplines us for our good that we may share in his holiness. In other words all hardship that we encounter is always for our good. Wow how about that? Everything we encounter in Turner\'s hardship is for our good, that\'s right. Even when my husband or my wife is disagreeable that\'s for my good, yes. Even when my kids are misbehaving and they\'re a handful, absolutely. Verse 11, all discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful. Wow all God\'s people can say a hearty amen to that. Yet to those who have been trained by it, not punished for it, this is not punitive discipline, they\'re trained by it. Afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. So the whole purpose is to develop holiness in our lives. Why am I going through these marital problems? Why am I going through these problems with my children? One of the big problems with that question is we assume that we don\'t deserve to go through problems. That\'s a big assumption and it\'s an erroneous assumption. But all right if God is in sovereign control of all things that occur including the fine details of my life and my marriage then I must be going through these hardships as Hebrews 12 says. In order to produce greater holiness in my life, to train me in righteousness. Let me take you to one other passage that\'s a good hope passage. Let\'s go over to Romans. I want to go to Romans chapter 15 and verse 4. As you get your counselees into the scriptures, let the scriptures give them hope as well. For whatever is written in earlier times was written for our instructions so that through perseverance, that is a faithful, loyal obedience of the word and the encouragement of scripture, sometimes the word is there like the people in Hebrews chapter 11 who faced all kinds of obstacles by faith. Through the encouragement of scriptures, we might have what? We might have hope, right? That\'s right. We face the encouragement that we might have hope. Then skip down to verse 13. It says, now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Notice how God is described here in verse 13. He\'s described as the God of hope and he\'s the one who fills you with all joy and peace. That doesn\'t mean your circumstances change immediately. In other words, some husbands and wives want to be able to say to you in counselling, well, you give me a different circumstance in my marriage, Lord, and I\'ll be happy. No, no, no, that\'s not the way it happens. Different circumstances are not going to make you happy if your heart\'s not happy, if your heart\'s not full of joy. The joy comes on the inside. Just yesterday I was working with a woman in Texas who\'s getting her certification for counselling, and she\'s working with a woman in her church that is really unhappy in her marriage. She\'s extremely unhappy, she\'s extremely dissatisfied with what\'s happening, and certainly her husband is no saint. There\'s no doubt about that. He\'s got his own problems. But her unhappiness in marriage goes way back. In fact, five years prior to this, the same woman had had an affair with the pastor of the church there. And of course the pastor was removed from ministry, he\'s no longer in the ministry any longer. He was reconciled to his wife, and this woman was reconciled to her husband. But five years down the line, one of the interesting things about this is the very heart motivation that fueled her adultery in the past was still present. She stopped the external behavior of adultery, but the unhappiness and dissatisfaction in her marriage was still there because she defined her unhappiness as primarily being her husband. This is the reason why I\'m unhappy. You change my husband, I have a better husband, I\'ll be a happy person. The apostle Paul says happiness does not come in a change of circumstances, happiness comes as a result of the Holy Spirit bringing peace and joy to the heart. Same thing is true here. Verse 13 of Romans 15, now may the God of hope fill you with all joy in believing, you see we\'ve got to believe the truth so that you will abound in hope by power of the Holy Spirit. This was the problem with the children of Israel. The children of Israel wandering through the wilderness thought, you change our circumstances, you change our surroundings and we\'ll be happy. Put us in the promise line. And God says no, no that\'s not it at all. This begins in the heart, that\'s where it begins. I can still put you in the promised land, the land of milk and honey and you can still be unhappy. So you\'re not going to go there. So they all died in the wilderness. They said change our circumstances or change my wife or change my husband and I\'ll be happy. I\'ll be a happy person. And God says no, you change your heart. That\'s what makes you a happy person, a joyful person, a person who\'s at peace. Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that you will abound in hope. How? By the change of circumstances he said. No, no, no, no. By the power of the Holy Spirit. It\'s the Spirit of God who brings that in the inner man. You\'ve got to be at peace with what God is doing in your life and not believe somehow you\'re living in your marriage God\'s second best for your life. You are not living God\'s second best. The only time you live God\'s second best is when you\'re not obeying him. It\'s the only time you are. In fact you\'re not even, that\'s not even God\'s second best. Probably when you\'re not obeying him, you\'re you\'re living Satan\'s first best. So there\'s a lack of hope and there are a lot of marriages that have a lack of hope. Secondly, second thing, there\'s also a lack of inclination. What do I mean by that? That is there is an unwillingness to change. Why has there been no change? Some of that comes from the fact that there is no hope. Some of it comes from the fact that there is no willingness to change in their heart. Now, why does that happen? Sometimes they believe that the change is too costly. They have to give up something. Maybe it\'s freedom or it\'s money or it\'s their dreams. They have to give up something in order for this change to occur. And they think in the depths of their heart that that is far too costly for me. I can\'t do that. For example, do you know that some people become incredibly comfortable in their self-pity? It becomes their lifestyle. They live in self-pity and they\'re very comfortable in living self-pity. And to give that self-pity up, it\'s not worth it for them. They would have to radically change to give that self-pity up. And they don\'t want to give it up. They want to feel sorry for themselves. And they want other people to feel sorry for them. They don\'t want to give it up. They waller in their self-pity and they go from person to person talking about all their problems and how difficult it is to live with so and so, with their particular spouse. You know how hard it is? People say, oh, I feel so sorry for you. They\'re not helping them. They\'re encouraging them in their sinfulness by doing that. It\'s too costly. Grab your Bible just for a moment. Let\'s go over to Matthew chapter 19. And we\'re interested in verse 16. It\'s a great passage. This is the problem here with the rich young ruler. And someone came to him and said, teacher, what good thing shall I do that I may inherit eternal life? Wow. Most people would have thought today, your average evangelical would say, I can\'t believe somebody\'s coming and asking me how to be a Christian. That\'s wonderful. Let me give them the four spiritual laws and the four spiritual principles. Let me give them the four spiritual laws and pronounce a benediction over them and lead them to Christ and everything\'s going to be happy. Jesus saw through this. And he said to them, why are you asking me about what is good? There\'s only one who is good. But if you wish to enter life, keep the commandments. And then he said to them, which ones? Jesus said, you shall not commit murder. You shall not commit adultery. You shall not steal. You shall not bear false witness. Honor your father and mother. And you shall love your neighbor as yourself. In other words, you\'re to love others as passionately as you already love yourself is the idea. And the young man said to him, all these things I have kept and I\'m still lacking. Well, number one, that\'s a lie. If he was really, truly honest, he hasn\'t kept these things. But Jesus said to him, if you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions. Give it to the poor and you will have treasure in heaven. Come and follow me. Well, you know, that was pretty good because he opened up that last command. If you love your neighbor as yourself. He said, well, you know what? I love my neighbor just as passionately as I love myself. So it\'s going to be very easy to give my money away and give it to the poor. It should be any problem. When the young man heard the statement, he went away grieving for he was one who owed owned much property. This guy loved himself way more than he loved his neighbor. No problem with his self-esteem. Whereas my kids used to say when they were little selfish steam. No problem there. So what do you need to do here? The counseling emphasis here, you know, to show them what is motivating their heart that is not of God. That\'s what Jesus does here in Matthew 19. What is motivating their heart? It\'s not of God. Luke 14 and verse 25. Luke 14 and verse 25 says, now large crowds were going along with him. Speaking of Jesus, and he turned and said to them, if anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother, wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. Wow. Now, Jesus was not saying that we need to go around literally hating, but our love for God should be so great that our love for everyone else should almost look like hate by comparison. Our love for God trumps. Our love for our Lord trumps every other human relationship. Everything else. It\'s a much higher priority. And in fact, it\'s actually our love for God that helps us to understand how we should love our husbands and our wives and our children and our friends and our neighbors properly and loving our self less, not more, less. So we\'ve got to speak to heart issues. We\'ve got to understand the idols of their heart. So there could be a lack of hope. There could be a lack of willingness to change. And then thirdly, there could also be why are they not changing when it comes to counseling? A lack of information. Meaning, they think it\'s unnecessary to change because they don\'t see the problem. They can be blind to the hurts and the needs of their husband or wife or they do not see the harmful consequences of refusing to change. Somehow, they don\'t see it. They don\'t have the proper information to see it. They refuse to change the status quo. What\'s the reason behind that? Well, this has to do with willful or passive ignorance. They do not see the need to work on their marriage because of this ignorance. Willful ignorance is they have the opportunity to learn and study the word of God and sit under good teaching and preaching and they refuse to do it. Passive ignorance is maybe they are in a church that they\'re not taught well and because they\'re not taught well, they just don\'t know. They think they know, but they don\'t. Passive ignorance. And so they don\'t see the real need to work on their marriage. There\'s something else that\'s more important in their life than that. What\'s the counseling emphasis then? Then you need to help them see their problems from a biblical perspective, challenge their pride, encourage the need for a teachable spirit. They may think they know and they really don\'t. Hebrews chapter 5 and verse 11. Here the writer of Hebrews says, Concerning him we have much to say that is of Christ, and it\'s hard to explain since you have become doll of hearing, for though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need again for someone to teach you the elementary principles of the oracles of God, and you have come to need milk and not solid food for everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant, but solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil. Now the idea here is that if this is a willful ignorance, then like the early Hebrew Christians who have become doll of hearing, they need to be challenged to turn around and to seek solid food, more in-depth teaching from the word of God about their marriage and how to deal with their problems. Or we could also go over to James chapter 4, in verse 6, But he gives a greater grace, therefore it says, God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Submit therefore to God, resist the devil, and he will flee from you, draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, that\'s the outer man, and purify your hearts, you double-minded, that\'s the inner man. Be miserable and mourn and weep, let your laughter be turned into mourning and joy to gloom, humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and he will exalt you. So there has to be a certain amount of humility in order to be teachable. And that\'s what they need, they need to be humble, they need to be teachable, they need to change outwardly and inwardly. So there can be a lack of hope, there can be an unwillingness to change, there can be an issue of ignorance that goes on, and that\'s the reason why they\'re not changing. Or fourth and last of all, there could also be a lack of skill. An awful lot of Christians are in this camp. And they don\'t realize they\'re in this camp. What do I mean by that? They don\'t know how to communicate and solve problems, forgiveness, they don\'t know the forgiveness process for reconciliation. They don\'t even know how to, in a sense, exegete their own heart and what\'s going on in terms of bitterness and resentment and anger and all those sinful things that tend to swirl in the cauldron of the heart. So they don\'t know how to do that, and you may have to spend time and counseling showing them how to do that, and we\'ll talk about that a little bit later on in this class. The reason, there\'s poor biblical training, usually. Preaching that\'s unrelated to life, or they\'re in a good church but they\'ve refused to apply the truth, that\'s the whole point behind the little parable that Jesus uses at the end of the Sermon on the Mount, there in Matthew chapter 7, when he talks about the parable of the man who builds his house upon the rock and the man who builds his house upon the sand. He says, therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and acts upon them may be compared to a wise man that built his house upon a rock, who hears it and acts upon it. And the rain fell and the floods came and the winds blew and slammed against the house, yet it did not fall, for it had been founded upon a rock. Everyone who hears these words of mine and does not fall upon a rock, will be like a foolish man who built his house upon the sand. The rain fell and the floods came and the winds blew and slammed against the house, and it fell and it great was its fall. Sometimes I\'ll do it like this. I have a white board when I\'m counseling, and up on that white board I\'ll just draw a little illustration of this. That\'s a house, okay? And that\'s a house. We\'re going to call this house number one, and we\'re going to call this house number two. And that\'s a house. And I\'ll put up here your life. Which one is your life? Now on the surface, what is the difference between these two houses? Nothing. There\'s no difference. There are a lot of people who come to church that are like that. You can\'t tell the difference between a person who is really a Christian, and one who is not being faithful to the Lord, because they both look the same on the surface. Well, how do we know the difference between the two of them? Well, the answer is, it\'s what\'s below the surface that\'s going on here. Because they both have houses that seem to be soft and soft, and they\'re not as soft as the other houses. They seem to be solid. And probably you\'ve heard of that little children\'s song, Oh, the wise man build his house upon the rock, Foolish man build his house upon the sand, and so on and so on. I\'m not going to sing that for you. The problem with the song is, it misses the whole key to the parable. And we need to write a whole new verse to the song. It\'s a bad song because it misses the whole point. The whole key to the parable is not the house. It\'s not the whole key to it. The whole key to the parable actually is not the rock. That\'s not his point. By the way, what is the rock? Jesus Christ, be a little bit more precise. All right, the teaching of Christ within context, his teaching, right? So that\'s the rock. And the point is, house number one has what? That anchors it to the rock. Yeah, absolutely. A foundation. House number two has no foundation whatsoever. Now the critical thing about the little parable is, what is the foundation? What is it? Sand? Well, I mean, what is the foundation of house number one? Pardon me? No, the rock\'s not the foundation. What\'s the foundation of? House number one. The hearing and acting? Yes. The hearing and acting. The practice of the truth. What\'s that? The practice of the truth. In other words, I hear the truth, this person hears the truth, but they don\'t put it into practice. This person puts it into practice. This person obeys it. Now, how do we find out the difference between these two houses? The answer is, when the difficulties and storms of life come in and start to beat upon the house. And what happens? When the storms of life come. Actually, the Luke passage in Luke 6 is very specific about it. The moment it says, the storm strikes the house, it falls and its destruction is complete. In other words, it is a mess. It falls apart like a house of cards. Why? Because they heard the word, but they did not put it into practice. And there are an awful lot of marriages that are like that. They hear the word of God, and they sit under great teaching, great preaching, but they refuse to put it into practice. It doesn\'t change them as husbands, it doesn\'t change them as wives, it doesn\'t change them as parents, it doesn\'t change them as children. None of that is affected. And the question is here, for our counselee, is, which is your life? Because right now, your life looks like this. They\'ve come with all their marital problems and all their struggles and all the difficulties, that\'s the storm. And right now, everything is in a heap and rubble. Why? What\'s the difference? The difference is they have not obeyed the truth. They\'ve heard the truth, both hear, they hear it, but this one puts it into practice. This one obeys it. There\'s the difference. When there\'s a lack of skill, they have to be challenged to obey the truth. So what do you want to emphasize in counselling? You want to emphasize good training, Biblical communication, conflict resolution, roles, parenting skills. You want to help them understand this from scripture, help them identify what is it in their heart that tends to rule and reign that\'s not of God. Those are heart idols, and we\'ll talk about those heart idols later. What\'s going on in those people\'s lives? So why are they not changing? Why are they not growing? Well, that\'s part of the reason. Yes, Rod? In their life, it\'s not as if, well, I just haven\'t been taught. It\'s that they haven\'t acted on the teaching. Well, if they\'ve had a lot of experience, well, if they\'ve had poor Biblical training, they\'re still culpable because they can still study the scriptures on their own and learn it. And for some reason, they haven\'t. So I believe that they\'re still culpability, even though they may be in a very poor or weak church. And they\'ve got to renounce that. And usually you\'ll find even if they\'ve been in a weak church, even what they have learned that is good hasn\'t been put into practice. So there\'s a certain element of culpability there as well. Yeah. If there\'s a point where you find out, hey, they\'re not receiving good teaching, do you think it\'s, you know, if you\'re counseling them either on behalf of another church or maybe to the master\'s college, something like that, is there a point where you recommend them to a good church? At what point does that principle come into play? So it\'s not just sheep stealing and that sort of thing, but it\'s, you know, it\'s a legitimate benefit if you would do that. Yeah. John asked the question. If you\'re counseling someone that\'s not of your church in a different kind of context, and you find out that they\'re going to a church that\'s really not teaching the word of God well, what do you do? How do you handle that? Well, first of all, I want to find out whether or not the church is willing to accept its responsibility to shepherd these people. If they are and they\'re teachable, then I\'ll invite them. Even if I\'m a and I used to do this as a pastor in my own church, I would invite a leader or pastor of that church to come and sit in on the counseling so they can learn how to do this and then eventually take our counseling class if necessary. And if they\'re willing to do that, that\'s great. But if they\'re not willing to do that and they\'re not willing to sit in, then it communicates to me that not only do they have poor teaching, but they\'re not even interested in changing and growing themselves as a church. So I\'m going to say to them, listen, get out of that church and you find a church that\'s serious on paper. On paper, their doctoral statement may be really good, but they don\'t practice it and they don\'t live by it. So you get out of that church and get to a church that practices their doctoral statement. They do it. And I\'ve asked, you know, I\'ve suggested or counseled, council these that have gotten out of pretty decent evangelical churches because they\'re not interested in practicing the truth. Get into a church that\'s serious about your growth into holiness and Christ likeness and it\'ll change you. So, yeah, I don\'t hesitate to tell them to do that, because for their welfare, for their welfare, if that church is not teaching them and emphasizing their growth in Christ, then what good is it that they\'re there? That\'s probably one of the things. It\'s a contributing factor. It\'s not the sole reason for their marital problems, but it certainly is a contributing factor to their marital problems. All right. We\'ve just covered four areas. Why is it that people are not changing and growing through counseling situations? And we said one of the reasons is that they have no hope. Another reason is because there is an unwillingness for them to change. Another reason is they don\'t see the necessity of changing. And the last reason is because they really don\'t know how to. They don\'t. They\'ve never developed the skill, the ability to be able to do it. And so you need to teach them how. And that\'s the reason why we emphasized practicing the truth, putting the word into active obedience in a person\'s life. Now, this brings us to number 10. Number 10, as you interact with the people and reflect upon the data that you\'re gathering, you will have to decide on the best way to approach these people. All right. How do you approach them? And there\'s a couple of passages I want you to take a look at just real quickly. One is 1 Thessalonians 5, verse 14. First Thessalonians 5, verse 14, which really presents to us the question, what kind of person am I dealing with here? Paul says, We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly. So the first group is the unruly people. These are the type of people who are undisciplined in their life or they lack self-control in their life. Encourage the fainthearted. So there\'s something different we do with the fainthearted. Help the weak. Be patient with every man. Of course, you don\'t want to help the unruly or encourage the unruly. No, no, no. You need to admonish them. And that word admonish is our word that we\'ve talked about before, nuthatao, which is that combined word in the Greek of a noun and a verb. Nus is mind. Tithemi is the verb, which means to place or to put into the mind. And so the idea is when you admonish, you\'re actually placing or putting sense into the mind. That\'s the reason why it\'s a real good word to translate at counsel. You counsel the unruly. You place sense into the mind of the unruly and the undisciplined. You encourage the fainthearted. You help the weak. You\'re patient with everyone. So you have to decide what do I need to do? Should I admonish them? Should I encourage them? Should I help them? In order to do that, you\'ve got to know who you\'re dealing with. And of course, then he says, be patient with everyone, all people, whoever they are, whether they\'re unruly or fainthearted or weak. Be patient with them. That\'s true of all, everybody that you counsel. Then let\'s go back to the Old Testament. Let\'s go back to Proverbs, Chapter 9, Verse 7. Here Solomon is talking about actually wisdom in Chapter 9, and he\'s talking about lady wisdom in contrast to lady folly. And lady wisdom offers an invitation to her feast and lady folly does the same thing beginning in verse 13. But back in verse 7, it says, He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonored for himself, and he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself. Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you. Reprove a wise man, and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser. Teach a righteous man, and he will increase his learning. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. So what are we dealing with? Are we dealing with a fool, a scoffer, or are we dealing with a wise man? What kind of person are we dealing with? Because that affects how we approach them. How are you going to deal with these people? Yes, Ruman? Actually today I was talking with some friends about this verse, and we would like to know what the proverb means by a scoffer. Someone who mocks God or His word. So somebody who\... In behavior or in language. Obviously a Christian can be a scoffer. No, I think there is a time where a Christian can do that. A Christian can scoff God. I think that Peter does that when he rebukes Jesus for saying that he must suffer, and that he\'s going to be rejected by the scribes and the Pharisees. Jesus, in a sense, Peter rebukes him for that. He scoffs at that idea. And that\'s where Jesus turns and says to him, get thee behind me, Satan. Well, that\'s right after Peter\'s just made this declaration, oh, by the way, you are the Christ. Right after he makes that declaration, then Jesus says, yes, that\'s right, I\'m the Christ, and the Christ, the Messiah, must suffer rejection at the hands of men. The Pharisees, the scribes, chief priests are going to reject me. Peter says, no, Lord, that can\'t be. That\'s not my view of the Messiah. So on one hand, Peter\'s giving this wonderful\... He\'s a claiming Christ to be the Christ, and on the other hand, he turns right around and mocks Jesus and says, that can\'t be. You\'ve got it all wrong. When Peter said that, Jesus somehow corrects him, right? He said, get behind me, Satan. Oh, yes. Yes, Jesus did correct him at that particular time. How could you understand that in like Proverbs 9.7, when it says they want to correct his coffer? Because, you know, it\'s like Proverbs 13.15 says, the way of the transgressor is hard. In other words, there will be a time where even a believer can, I believe, transgress and actually be a scoffer. Now, mostly, I agree with what you\'re saying, mostly the people that are going to scoff God are going to be unbelievers. But is it possible for a time that a believer can act like an unbeliever? Yes. What I meant was more like, in Proverbs 9, it seems like it is worthless to correct a scoffer. Yes, because they\'re not teachable. That\'s right. Only a wise person is going to be teachable. It\'s worthless to correct a scoffer because they\'re not teachable. The whole problem is responsibility, unlike to a scoffer, ignoring that they\'re not teaching. Well, I\... One of the things that I love to do is take them back to Proverbs chapter one and beginning in verse\... if one of the ways you deal with a scoffer is you take them over to Proverbs chapter one and beginning in verse 24. He says, Because I called you and you refused to stretch it on my hand and no one paid attention, you neglected all my counsel, you did not want my reproof. So earlier, the scoffer scoffs at God, then God says, I will also laugh at your calamity. I will mock when your dread comes. When your dread comes like a storm and your calamity comes like a whirlwind, when distress and anguish come upon you, then they will call on me, but I will not answer. They will seek me diligently, but they will not find me. What\'s God saying? I\'m going to let you suffer the consequences of your sin. I\'m going to let you suffer that. You\'re going to scoff my counsel, then\... In fact, he talks about the scoffer up in verse 22. You\'re going to do that. You\'re going to scoff my counsel, then I\'m going to let you suffer the consequences of your sin. That\'s why later on in Proverbs 13 and 15, the way of the transgressor is hard. Proverbs 13 and 21, adversity pursues sinners. Now, generally, I\'m in full agreement with what Ruhm had saying. The person who\'s really the overall scoffer is an unbeliever. It\'s true. That\'s exactly right. Now, for a time, can a Christian act like an unbeliever? Yes. Can he even scoff at the things of God? Yes, he can do that. But that\'ll only be for a time. Then he\'s going to repent and turn around. Especially, well, you get an example of that like in 1 Corinthians chapter 5. You\'ve got the man who committed adultery with his stepmother. And he refused to be admonished for it. He scoffed at the admonishment. And Paul says, in a sense, excommunicate him, put him out of the church, turn him over to Satan, he says, for the destruction of the flesh that his soul might be saved. And then by the time we get to 2 Corinthians chapter 2, the guy repents. So eventually, he shows himself to be a believer. But there was a time when he was committing this adultery or fornication with his stepmother, where he did not act like he was a believer. Later on, he repents. He turns around. He changes. So here in Proverbs chapter 9, verses 7 through 10, we\'ve got an example of a person who\'s a scoffer. And it sets in contrast the difference between the scoffer and the wise man. By the way, Proverbs chapter 9 is a key passage because it sets up, of all the chapters in the entire book of Proverbs, it sets up the entire book because it illustrates what a life of wisdom is like, and it illustrates what a life of foolishness is like, and a contrast between the two. And it actually sets up the entire rest of the book. Proverbs 9 is key there. Proverbs chapter 2 explains to us what wisdom and understanding is, but Proverbs chapter 9 sets up the contrast between the two lifestyles. So number 11, then as you interact with people and reflect upon the data that you\'re gathering, you will have to decide on the best way to see these people. How are you going to deal with this? And this becomes a question, especially in marriage and family counseling, because you can counsel them individually, or sometimes we refer to that as concurrently. When would you want to do that? Well, if a marriage has gotten to the point where it\'s so brutal and it\'s so bad between them, and probably some of you that have been in ministry long enough by now have seen that kind of thing happen, and they\'re attacking each other, and that\'s their only way of interacting, and they\'re attacking each other, and they\'re attacking each other, and they\'re attacking each other, and that\'s their only way of interacting. The only way they know how to interact with one another is just by attacking each other. Then getting them together is not the right thing to do here first. You\'re going to have to work with them individually at first and then put them back together again. Or another reason you would want to meet with them individually, if one spouse fears the other spouse for one reason or another. Maybe a physical fear, maybe a financial fear, maybe something like that that\'s out there, and there\'s just an inordinate fear of somebody has something on somebody, or threatens somebody with some kind of harm. You may not be able to meet together. Maybe a wife is fearful of her husband because he\'s a big brute. Or maybe a husband is fearful of a wife because she\'s threatened to have him thrown in jail. And the more you put them together, the worse it gets right now. So you first have to meet with them separately, work on their attitudes towards God, their relationship to God, then their attitudes towards one another, their relationship with one another. That has to happen first. Or maybe there\'s one of the spouses that practices monopolizing all the time and essentially excludes the other spouse from interacting. I\'ve seen husbands do that with wives, and I\'ve seen wives do that with husbands. Just a couple years ago I had a, well, at least in my thinking, an infamous occasion of this where every time a husband opened his mouth to share anything in counseling, his wife would always revise it. She would always revise it. She\'d say stuff like, well, you know what he means. He means this. Or if he said something that she didn\'t like, she would act like it was really a stupid comment. Well, that\'s stupid. That\'s a dumb. That\'s dumb. So every time he opened his mouth, he was demeaned or revised. And I talked about this earlier. This is the type of, actually, this particular couple had come in because they weren\'t communicating well. She was complaining that her husband wouldn\'t communicate with her. Well, I know why, because every time he said something, it was always wrong. That\'s the reason why he\'s not communicating. Well, why would you meet with them individually? Well, sometimes some spouses can be overly sensitive or timid about what the other spouse says or does. And temporarily you may have to meet with them separately. They\'re overly sensitive or they\'re timid. Or sometimes there\'s a refusal to see the other side or to change what the other person present. You may have to meet with them individually. Or sometimes there\'s a personal problem that they\'re unwilling to discuss in front of their spouse. Maybe it\'s something of shame. And if they were to admit this in front of their spouse, it would be they would think that the world would come to an end. This would be too shameful. I can\'t handle this. Or sometimes there\'s been a misuse of information or instruction that is given concerning their spouse. Maybe they\'ve taken information that they\'ve learned in counseling, gone out and shared it with other members of the family or extended members of the family or their father or mother. And it\'s now become detrimental to the counseling process. Or you may want to meet with them individually as a prevention of their spouse from proper interaction. Or they\'re the ones, I should say, that actually prevent their spouse from proper interaction. So you want to temporarily now pull them out of the equation. Or there\'s a fragility of relationship that runs a great risk if you were to counsel them together. Just things are so fragile. I mean, it\'s almost as if this marriage is in intensive care. Emergency room of the hospital. And the heart of this marriage, the chest of this marriage is cracked open and the surgeon is massaging the heart to keep it going. And one spouse is being brutal or uncaring or and the relationship is so fragile, it\'s ready to fall apart. You may want to meet with them individually. But again, let me emphasize that when you do that, you\'re stressing the fact that this is only temporary because long term. Meeting with them individually, they just get used to that. They don\'t get to solve their problems together and they have to learn how to do that using the word of God. Oh, yeah. There\'s one spouse, a husband or wife that prevents their spouse from proper interaction. OK, that\'s what\'s happening. And number eight. All right. You may say, OK, let\'s meet with them together. Instead of concurrent concurrently, you would meet conjointly. This is where the couple comes together. Now, this is better and this is much more preferable and counseling. This is what we\'re aiming at. Because when you meet with them together, it prevents gossip or counselors misinterpretation, misunderstanding. In fact, it helps to correct any misconceptions you may have as a counselor. You\'re getting both views. You\'re getting both sides at the same time. It helps to encourage accuracy and fullness of details of their marital interactions. One spouse will remember something that occurred in more detail than the other spouse will. And so that helps you to get a more fuller picture of what\'s happening. When they meet together, you also get an insight into how they interact or react to one another. And as I said before, every marriage, every one has a pattern of behavior, habits that they fall into. Sometimes they\'re good habits. Sometimes they\'re bad habits. And you get to observe that when you\'re meeting with both of them together. What kind of pattern of interacting have they formed? Fourthly, the counselor example can be used in the counseling context when you\'re meeting together, especially if you\'re married. If you\'re married and you can use your own example. This is the way my wife would respond to me if I were to say something like this. So you can help the wife. This is the way I should respond to my wife. When this particular topic comes up, you can use your own marriage as an example. It also decreases the counselor\'s manipulation by one party because some people are really good at manipulation. This is something they practice most of their life with their father or their mother or their friends or other people that they tend to know. They\'re really good at manipulation. And they may try to manipulate you and you may be fooled by it. I\'ve been fooled by people many times. I tell them, listen, you can fool me, but you can\'t fool God. God sees everything that\'s going on. Furthermore, meeting with them together is an opportunity to practice good communication principles. It\'s an opportunity for them to use the word of God and you now or they become accountable to you and how well they\'re using those good communication principles. A little bit later on in the class, we\'re going to talk about four rules of communication. You teach couples, get them interacting and practicing good communication. Number seven, there\'s an immediate problem solving under the supervision of the counselor. Instead of allowing problems to fester and just get worse, you can actually begin to take steps to solving those problems right there immediately in front of both of them. Number eight, it stresses unity and working on a common goal together. That may be the first time in their marriage they\'ve ever really done that. Maybe it\'s been a hostile marriage. Maybe it\'s been the kind of a marriage where it\'s been very competitive, but now they have to work as a team, not as combatants. Or number nine, teaching. It becomes a teaching forum on how God intended couples should honor him through biblical problem solving. How should they as a couple best honor God through biblical problem solving? So when you meet with them together, there\'s plenty of advantages. It\'s just that in some circumstances, you may have to meet with them separately. Because the relationship is too fragile, because it\'s too volatile, and you\'ve got to get them focused on pleasing God, regardless of how their mate responds to them or fails to respond to them. And then you put them back together again, so they\'re thinking all the right things and doing all the right things, expecting all the right things. All right. Which brings us to then principle number 12 here that we want to highlight. As you interact with people and reflect upon the data that you\'re gathering, you will have to decide what to do if only one person is strongly committed and willing to work on their marriage. What are you going to do if only one person is really strongly committed to working on this? Well, you have to discern the reason for each spouse\'s response. Discern the reason for each spouse\'s response. Maybe they think it\'s the other person\'s problem. They are mostly the innocent party. That maybe they\'re thinking, I\'m mostly an innocent party. It\'s what they\'ve done. It\'s what they\'ve said. You don\'t understand what they\'ve done, they\'ll say to you as a counselor. That\'s the reason why they\'re not really willing to change because they don\'t think that they need to change at all. Fix my spouse. That\'s what you need to do. Fix my spouse. That\'s the reason why I\'m here. I want you to fix my spouse. Well, I usually say to them, listen, you\'ve been married for how long now? 15 years? Yeah. Have you been trying to change your spouse? Oh, yes. Has it worked? No. Then don\'t expect me to try to change them either. I can\'t do that. You\'ve been trying to do it for 15 years and it hasn\'t worked. But there\'s one thing we can do. We can get you to change you. You can change. Oh. Well. Or they think it\'s no use. There\'s no amount of counseling that\'s really going to change things. And this is a person who\'s absolutely, totally lost all hope. Which really calls into question the omnipotence of God. God can\'t change things in my marriage. Calls into question the sufficiency of the Word of God as well. And as a believer, that\'s dangerous. Or they want an excuse for getting out of the marriage. And they will often sabotage the effort of the marriage. And they will often sabotage the efforts made in counseling. You will have people do this to you. They\'ll come to marriage, but everything you, or they\'ll come to marriage counseling. And everything that they do, in a sense, sabotages what you\'re attempting to do in counseling. I remember years ago, at one point I was working with a couple and I sat back and I thought to myself, Why is this not working? In every other normal situation, this marital counseling should be working. And it dawned on me. It was like, God gave me special revelation. He didn\'t, but it was just like, God turned the floodlights on. Boom! This husband was coming to counseling because before he even ever entered counseling, he had decided to get out of this marriage. And the only reason he was coming was because he wanted to be able to tell his family that he tried and it didn\'t work. He wanted to save face after the divorce. When that dawned on me, I\'m going, whoosh! I know why he\'s here and I know why he\'s sabotaging everything. He doesn\'t want it to work. His mind, his life is already way past this. You say, well, did you confront him on it? Oh, yes, I did. I certainly did. And when I confronted him on it, both he and his wife were stunned. They were stunned that I said anything about it. But everything added up in that direction. And that was a turning point in the marriage counseling. He hung his head in that counseling session and he said, that\'s right. That\'s right. I\'ve already planned to divorce her. My girlfriend\'s waiting until this happens. We plan on getting married, da-da-da-da-da-da. So the only reason you\'re here is because you want to save face in front of your family. Is that it? Yeah. You realize how wicked that is? You\'re a liar. By coming here, you were saying to me, I want to work on my marriage, but that\'s not what you really came for. You came to get an excuse. And that guy broke into tears. Because I think it was the first time that all of his wickedness of his sinful inclinations and purposes and plans were all laid out on the table. And of course, his wife was devastated because she was hoping with all of her heart that they were really going to work on their marriage. And now to hear that he was there with ulterior motives changed the whole dynamic. But then when he began to repent, then it became really sweet. But you\'ll have people do this to you. They want to get out of their marriage and they\'ll sabotage every effort you make and you\'ll say to yourself, why is this not working? I don\'t understand why this is not working. Because somewhere someone\'s not really been honest. If I\'m not sure about it, sometimes I\'ll say this, you know, I\'ll say, Tom, Mary, you know what? One of you acts to me like you want to get out of this marriage and you\'re only playing the game right now. Tell me if I\'m wrong. And they look like deer that have been caught in headlights. All right. Why is this not working? Look, we\'ve tried this and we\'ve worked on this. We\'ve worked on it for from every biblical perspective I know of. This should be working, but it\'s not. So the problem is not in the truth of the word of God. The problem is not in the council. The problem has got to be in you. So what is the obstacle here? Why is this not working? You have to find that out. Or here is another thing. They\'ve already decided on a divorce and they\'ve gone to counseling in order to save face in front of the family. Well, that\'s what I was just talking about. I didn\'t click it yet, but. Or they\'ve been involved in an affair, whether declared or not. And counseling is just a formality. Or they\'ve been involved in a power struggle with their spouse, and they\'re not interested in giving an inch. To save face means I stand where I stand, and I\'m not going to give an inch on this, which is an incredibly prideful position, and certainly is not putting others before yourself. It\'s putting yourself up first. It all has to go my way or it\'s not going to go any way. It\'s that whole philosophy. It\'s my way or the highway. And when people take hard and fast positions like that, you have good reason to begin to question whether or not these people are genuine believers. When they take these hard and fast positions, it\'s my way or the highway. I\'ve got to have my way or nothing else is going to work, and we\'ve got major problems. Well, when only one spouse is willing to work on their problem, then what should your counseling emphasis or focus be? What should happen when that occurs? Well, if they think it\'s entirely the other person\'s problem, then you need to seek and illuminate the unwilling spouse. Matthew 7, 1 through 6 has to do with the log and the splinter. Remember? Jesus says there in the Sermon on the Mount, he talks about judging other people, and it\'s very easy to pick the splinter or the speck out of the other person\'s eye. It\'s not the Greek word really for splinter. They only use splinter because of the term log that\'s used there. It\'s actually speck. I really think it\'s a reference to floaties. You know, have you ever had a floatie in your eye? A little piece of dust getting in there and you can see it go across the\... Imagine if I came to you and said, here, let me pick that little floatie out of your eye. You\'d say, get away from me. And all along, I have this gigantic log hanging out of my eye. I mean, is that hyperbole or what? That is pure hyperbole. Jesus is really stretching the analogy to the point that really makes a great point, and that is we\'re really good at judging other people minutely, but we use a very, very loose judgment on ourselves. So you need to find out why this has happened. And of course, Romans 12, 17 through 21 deals with the issue of don\'t be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. That\'s our responsibility. Furthermore, if they\'re hopeless, if both are Christians, then you must help them see that there is no marriage problems beyond God\'s help. There\'s no marriage problems beyond God\'s help. I think I\'ve used this analogy before, but you need to help them to see. Listen, this problem looks like a gigantic mountain in front of them, but they\'ve got to be able to lift their eyes behind and above this mountain stands God. This problem is not bigger than God. It looks like a mountain. It looks like it\'s almost insurmountable, but God, who is there, is their God, their Lord, is bigger than this problem. This is that 1 Corinthians 10.13 issue. There is no temptation taking you except for what is common to man, and God is faithful. He will not allow you to be tempted above what you\'re able. Or if they want an excuse or if they\'ve decided on a divorce, then explain Biblical reasons for divorce. All other divorce is willful sin, and let them know how dangerous presumptuous willful sin is. It\'s one thing to sin inadvertently. That\'s a sin, and it\'s wrong before God, and it\'s something that needs to be repented. I\'m not minimizing that at all. However, the Bible does say that willful presumptuous sin has a special quality to it. Let me illustrate it by taking you over to Psalm 19. David here talks about presumptuous sin in verse 13. He talks about inadvertent sin in verse 12, but presumptuous sin in verse 13. He says, also keep back your servant from presumptuous sin. Those are very willful sins that people commit. He says, then, the very next phrase, let them not rule over me. Presumptuous sins have an unusual enslaving quality to them. The same thing is what God said to Cain in Genesis 4 and verse 7. Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, well, not your countenance be lifted up, but if you don\'t do what is right, sin is crouching at your door. It desires to have you. The idea is it desires to master you, but you must master it. Willful presumptuous sin has a mastering quality to it, an enslaving quality to it. This is something that is going to dominate them and destroy their life. If I see a spouse that is willing to walk out of counseling and go about and still get a divorce and practice willful sin, before they leave counseling, I\'ll at least repeat Proverbs 13.15 a half dozen times, if not more. By the way, Tom, do you know the way the transgressor is hard? Then I\'ll talk and counsel for a while, and then I\'ll say, by the way, Tom, did you know the Bible says the way the transgressor is hard? And you know, Tom, later on, the way the transgressor is hard, I want that ringing in Tom\'s conscience as he goes out of there, so that later on, when he goes about the sin, you know what he\'s going to remember? He\'s going to remember my voice saying, Tom, the way the transgressor is hard. And when times get tough in his life, he\'s going to remember, the way the transgressor is hard, or verse 21, adversity pursues sinners, Tom. Things are going to get tough from here. Do you know that I\'ve had counselees come back to me five years after counseling, and they finally repented, changed their life, and things got really bad for them after they went out and participated in their sin? And they\'ll say to me, hey, you know that last counseling, remember that last counseling? Oh yeah, I remember it. We had, did you know that I hated what you said to me? I said, oh yeah, it was pretty evident. But you know, that\'s the thing that worked on my conscience over the past five years. That\'s why I\'m back. The way the transgressor is hard. It\'s hard. It\'s going to get tough. Life\'s going to get tough, and that\'s what they\'ll remember every time life gets tough. They think they\'re running from their problems when in reality, they\'re carrying all their problems inside in a neat little package called a wicked heart. That\'s where all their problems is. They think they\'re getting away from their problems by getting out of that marriage, when in reality, they\'re carrying all their problems with them into that, whatever that new relationship is. The seeds of the destruction of future relationships is already there and sown in their heart. Well, number four, if number five above, that is, they\'ve been involved in an affair, repentance and recommitment to making their marriage work for Christ\'s sake has got to be the key here. That is, if their spouse will take them back, and if their spouse is willing to forgive them, then they should take them back. Forgiveness entails reconciliation. In fact, forgiveness is actually the first step in the broader reconciliation process. So if they\'re willing to forgive, they will take them back. Number five, then if number six above, that means they\'ve been involved in a power struggle in the relationship, then submission to Christ will result in repentance and a humble spirit towards their spouse. Submission to Christ will result in a humble spirit towards their spouse. Now, if then, in counseling, you have done everything that you can to help them, and you\'ve done everything that you can to help them, then you should be able to help them. Now, if then, in counseling, you have done everything that you can do to get your unwilling person involved in the counseling process, and they still resist, then the following principles are true. Grab your Bible, let\'s go over to Matthew chapter 10, and verse 34, Jesus says, In fact, if one spouse determines to live for the Lord and it alienates the other spouse, he who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for my sake will find it. In fact, if one spouse determines to live for the Lord and it alienates the other spouse, this is what Jesus is talking about, then you can\'t help it. Sometimes that\'s going to occur. Let\'s go over to Romans 12, Matthew 10, 34-39, and Romans 12, we\'re interested in verse 18, So, the spouse that is the honorable spouse, the one that stays and wants to make the marriage work, the one that wants to do things God\'s way, no matter what, they need to practice this with the spouse who is unwilling to reconcile. Verse 18, if possible, so far as it depends upon you, be at peace with all men. Sometimes it is possible, sometimes it\'s not, but he says if it is possible. So far as it depends upon you, sometimes it doesn\'t depend upon you, but as far as it does, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, vengeance is mine, I will repay, but if your enemy is hungry, feed him, if he\'s thirsty, give him a drink, for in doing so you will heap burning coals on his head, which was ancient warfare terminology. What does that mean? Verse 21, do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. In other words, instead of heaping on coals, you\'re heaping on good to that person. You\'re heaping on good. And then of course there\'s the principle there in 1 Peter chapter 3 verses 1 through 9. We\'re going to talk about this a little bit later in the class, but 1 Peter 3 is actually written to Christian spouses who are married primarily to unbelieving spouses. In verse 1 it refers to wives married to unbelieving husbands, or at least husbands who act like unbelievers. And verse 7 is written to Christian husbands that are married to unbelieving wives within contexts that are bringing hardship into their lives. So within this context you take a look at verses 8 and 9, then it says to sum up, after addressing the husbands and the wife, he says, Now this is what you say to the spouse who\'s willing to work on this. Then I always have them memorize 1 Peter 4 19. I also have them prepare their souls for the purpose of wounding a faithful creator in doing what is right. That becomes their marching orders. Those who suffer according to the will of God should commit themselves or entrust their soul\'s to a faithful creator in doing what is right. That\'s what should be happening. get the unwilling person involved and they still resist, then you need to confront the unwilling person with Matthew 10 and then help the willing spouse with Romans 12 and 1 Peter 3, 1 through 9 to teach them how to live and respond to their spouse that\'s not willing to handle things God\'s way. Now, number 13, then as you interact with people and reflect upon the data that you\'re gathering, you will have to decide what to do if only one person is strongly committed and willing to come to counseling. What are you gonna do? Well, don\'t assume when that happens that you always hear the full story, you\'re only getting one side of the story. According to Proverbs 18, 17, that\'s kind of dangerous. So always assume there\'s more to the story than what they\'re telling you, no matter how well intended that spouse may be. Ask the willing person why their spouse thinks that it\'s the other person\'s fault. That\'s a good way to get a little bit of information from the other perspective. Ask them why their spouse hasn\'t been available for biblical counseling, why is that? Ask them why they think it\'s no use to make the effort of counseling. Why is there no use to make the effort for counseling? Ask them why they\'ve been involved in the affair outside of marriage. Did you drive them into the arms of another man or woman by your attitudes, by your actions? Ask them why they\'ve been in a power struggle with their mate. Why have they been in a power struggle with their mate? Which reflects on all the things that we just talked about earlier. Why has that gone on? So you need to gather data. If you don\'t have the other spouse there, then there are other ways that you could probably get at it. So ask them why they\'ve been involved in the affair outside of marriage. Ask them why they\'ve been involved in the affair. Ask them why they\'ve been involved in the affair. Ask them why they\'ve been involved in the affair. And there are other ways that you could probably get at some of this data and have a more full view of it. Furthermore, you need to write, call, email, instant message the spouse that refuses to attend. Let them know that they are welcome anytime. Make sure they know they are welcome anytime to be a part of this process. And then you\'re supposed to work with the person that will come. And one of the things that you can do indirectly is to encourage the council to share, you gotta be careful with the teaching part, you gotta be careful with the teaching part, but share what they have learned with their spouse. If the spouse is open and receptive to hear, and sometimes these spouses are very curious, because they haven\'t been there, they\'re very curious about what\'s happened in the counseling. And counseling is not there to run down the spouse that\'s not present. Counseling is there to work on the spouse that is there, is present, to work on their attitudes and actions. That\'s what counseling is about. Now, I\'ve done this before in the past. You can also tape your sessions and send them home as an assignment. You can actually videotape it, and the spouse\'s assignment is to go home and put the DVD in the player and watch it on the television. And the other spouse that\'s usually moving through the house or gets curious and plops down the chair, and they end up sitting down listening to the counseling session. Sometimes that\'s helpful. There are certain ways that you can do this. And there are other ways that you can secure also involvement of the person who won\'t come through personal contact. Maybe you could ask them, give them an assignment. And ask the spouse that is willing to come, will you take this to your husband or wife, and will you ask them to fill out eight or 10 areas that they think are the most important areas that need to be worked on in the marriage? That\'ll give you a lot of data. And prioritize those things. They don\'t wanna go through the process of counseling. We can at least solicit their input, sometimes indirectly in counseling. Of course, when you do that, you don\'t wanna make it too difficult or too hard because the spouse is unwilling to come to begin with. They\'re not gonna wanna do a really difficult assignment. But if it\'s an assignment explaining all the problems with the spouse that is willing to come, then they may be willing to fill out a lengthy sheet. Let me tell you what\'s wrong with them. Counseling.