Exam Guide_Week 4 PDF

WEEK FOUR: From Leading the Congregation (11-14) 1. Identify the five characteristics of chronically anxious families (Chp 11. Pg 144 – 147) 1. Emotional Reactivity 2. The Herding Instinct 3. Blame Displacement 4. The Quick Fix Mentality 5. Poorly Defined Leadership or Failure of Nerve 2. What are the three characteristics of self-differentiated leaders? (Chp 11. Pg 148 – 149) 1. They define who they are and where they stand in the midst of what can be intense emotional reactivity within an organization. 2. They do well when they are able to monitor and slow down their own anxiety, and when they can step back and reflect on their own role in the team's dynamics even in the face of others' emotional reactivity. 3. They do well when they are able to monitor and slow down their own anxiety, and when they can step back and reflect on their own role in the team's dynamics even in the face of others' emotional reactivity. 3. Identify descriptors of mission. Review the relationship between mission and the environment. Refer to chapter 14. Pg 186 – 192 4. Identify the three questions of mission (Chp 14. Pg 192 – 194) a. Who are We? i. Who do others say we are? ii. Who do we want to be? b. What is our business (To what purpose has God called us?) i. Build on your strengths and performance ii. Explore outside the needs and opportunities iii. Determine what you really believe in c. How do we decide on the right mission priorities and get them done? i. Step 1: Define your community ii. Step 2: Identify the people iii. Step 3: Find the “invisible” people iv. Step 4: Analyze the intangible forces v. Step 5: Listen to your community vi. Step 6: Choose your focus of Ministry From Lectures/power point deck 1. Can you describe the 4 different phases of the forgiveness journey? a. Hurt: Acknowledging and feeling the pain caused by the offense. b. Hate: Experiencing anger and resentment toward the offender. c. Heal: Engaging in emotional work to move past the resentment and begin to let go. d. Reconcile: Restoring the relationship or finding peace with the situation, even if reconciliation is not possible 2. What’s the difference between acute anxiety and chronic anxiety? a. Acute Anxiety: A reaction to a real, immediate threat; a "wake-up call." b. Chronic Anxiety: A persistent sense of uneasiness that is often free-floating and triggers automatic, reactive responses 3. Is it true that families are simultaneously involved in four separate families whose emotional forces interlock: family of origin, nuclear family (if single, close friends), families in organization, and organization is like a “family”? Yes, it is true that families are simultaneously involved in four separate systems: a. Family of Origin. b. Nuclear Family (or close friends if single). c. Families in the Organization. d. Organization as a Family. These systems are interrelated, and unresolved issues in one can affect the others 4. Can you identify the five typical characteristics of anxiety patterns in families? a. Distance/Togetherness: Struggles in balancing closeness and separateness. b. Triangling: Drawing in a third party to manage anxiety. c. Conflict that Simmer and Erupt: Unresolved tensions leading to emotional outbursts. d. Cutting Off Relationships: Coping by severing ties. e. Over-Functioning/Under-Functioning: One person taking on too much while another avoids responsibility 5. Be able to recognize the definition of triangling to “bind” our own anxiety Triangling refers to involving a third party (person or object) to diffuse tension or bind anxiety within a relationship or system. It is a common way to manage unresolved conflicts indirectly 6. What are some triggering issues in an organization that heighten anxiety? You don’t have to memorize these but be able to recognize which have that triggering potential. 1. External threats or uncertainty. 2. Politically sensitive topics. 3. Budget shortfalls. 4. Declining or rapid growth in numbers. 5. Low morale. 6. Organizational conflict or restructuring. 7. Changes such as retirements, new hires, births, deaths, illnesses, or demographic shifts 7. Can you identify the four patterns of reactivity, such as compliance...? Is it true that we use different reactivity patterns depending upon the relationship, issue, and situation? 1. Compliance: Outward agreement with hidden resentment. 2. Rebellion: Resistance and doing the opposite of what is expected. 3. Power Struggle: Competing to win control, often escalating frustration. 4. Emotional Distancing: Withdrawing from engagement or participation. Yes, we use different reactivity patterns based on the relationship, issue, and situation 8. Two major ways to define the scale of self-differentiation: 1. Self awareness and self- understanding of both thoughts and feelings (Some of us live primarily in one or the other), and 2. In highly anxious systems, can I be myself and stay relationally connected (to some degree?). Or am I tempted to comply, engage in power struggle, etc? 1. Self-Awareness and Self-Understanding: Balancing thoughts and feelings without being defined by external expectations. 2. Maintaining Connection While Being Authentic: Staying relationally engaged while remaining true to oneself and resisting compliance or power struggles 9. Three skills/dispositions of well-differentiated leadership: define self, stay relationally connected, and self-regulated your emotions. If we don’t we’ll probably increase defensiveness, blaming, etc of others 1. Define Self: Clearly articulate values, identity, and convictions. 2. Stay Relationally Connected: Engage others empathetically while maintaining a calm presence. 3. Self-Regulate Emotions: Manage personal anxiety and avoid reactive behaviors 10. Review the model of Spiritual Leadership. Can you identify the two components of Spiritual Well-being? How about the four components of Spiritual Leadership? 1. Spiritual Well-Being: a. Calling (life has meaning). b. Membership (feeling understood and appreciated). 2. Spiritual Leadership Components: a. Vision. b. Hope/Faith. c. Altruistic Love. d. Organizational Transformation through intrinsic motivation 11. Do you know what the Triple Bottom Line is? The Triple Bottom Line refers to measuring organizational success through three interconnected dimensions: 1. People: Social well-being. 2. Planet: Environmental sustainability. 3. Profit: Financial performance Christian Leadership STRENGTHENING CHARACTER, COLLABORATION, AND ORGANIZATIONAL EFFECTIVENESS WEEK ONE Hour 1 – Leadership is profoundly contextual Hour 2 – Leaders doing theology Hour 3 – Leading from within – introduction and “best use of self” WEEK TWO Hour 1 – Life-long journey of being grounded in one’s call, vision, and mission of Christ Hour 2 – The leader’s “shadow work” Hour 3 – The leader and ”false self” dynamics -- becoming one’s true self in Christ! WEEK THREE Hour 1 – Team development & group dynamics Hour 2 – Followership Hour 3 – Conflict management Roger Heuser 1 Christian Leadership STRENGTHENING CHARACTER, COLLABORATION, AND ORGANIZATIONAL EFFECTIVENESS WEEK FOUR This week we explore principles of conflict intervention and self-differentiated leadership that are needed when organizations experience anxiety, resistance, and conflict. We will also introduce Spiritual Leadership Theory and workplace spirituality that contribute to organizational health and effectiveness. Hour 1 Conflict intervention Hour 2 Becoming a self-differentiated leader in highly anxious systems. Hour 3 Spiritual leadership theory and marketplace spirituality promote organizational health Roger Heuser 2 Session 1 Conflict intervention SESSION THREE Roger Heuser 3 OPERATIONAL MODEL OF CONFLICT INCOMPATIBLE SELF-GIVING BEHAVIORS 1. Seek to understand values, 2. See if you can articulate their understanding of issues goals and perhaps what they’re feeling methods … 3. Own your part 4. Monitor your own defensiveness perceived as ACTIONS THREAT REACTIONS of one party against another because of … TYPES OF CONFLICT SELF-PROTECTING THREATs 1. Intrapersonal 1. Physical BEHAVIORS 2. Interpersonal 2. Psychological 1. Strike back 3. Intergroup/unit 3. Positional 2. Leave 4. Organizational 4. Financial 3. Shut down 5. Environmental 5. Social identity 4. Comply Roger Heuser 4 Jerry Robinson and Roy Clifford, in Heuser/Shawchuck, Leading the Congregation, ch 10. ACTIONS THREAT REACTIONS LEVELS/OBJ OF CONFLICT 5 INTRACTABLE – to destroy 4 WARFARE – to inflict injury 3 CONTEST – to win 2 DISAGREEMENT – to protect self 1 PROBLEM – to find solution Roger Heuser 5 Levels of conflict adapted from Speed Leas, “Moving Your Church Through Conflict” in Heuser/Shawchuck, Leading the Congregation, ch 10 STAGE 1 Loss of freedom in the Tension relationship Development Changes to end confrontation win-win STAGE 2 win-lose STAGE 5 Increasing Adjustments Role lose-leave Dilemma anxiety/tension compromise cold war Conflict Cycle Self-justification Battle lines set - Fault finding in others STAGE 4 STAGE 3 conflict erupts from Injustice Triangling others Confrontation triggering events Collecting Eroding trust and communication Jerry Robinson, Jr. and Roy A. Clifford, Managing Conflict in Community Groups Roger Heuser 6 Three ways of resolving a dispute Power (the more powerful) Rights Power (determine who is right) Rights Needs & Interests (often ignored) Needs & Interests (reconciling needs and interests) David Augsburger, Conflict Mediation Across Cultures. Louisville: Westminster/John Knox Press, 1992, 58. Roger Heuser 7 INTERVENTION AT STAGES 1 and 2 Stage 1 Tension Development intervention – Communication Skills Check out what’s contributing to loss of freedom in the relationship. Misinterpretation of actions? The best two stages to Is there a developing pattern? intervene, but often are Maybe there is an issue, but one party may want least likely to wait before addressing it. Openness to one other’s stories. Stage 2 Role Dilemma Intervention – Communication & Problem-Solving Skills initiate conversation about who said/did what to whom, what people want from each other, and what they hope to see happened. In addition to listening skills in stage 1, a central skill in stage 2 is problem solving, locating what points of tension and taking steps to address the issues in ways that a mutually acceptable and personally satisfying. What are common areas of agreement? What are options? Strengths and weaknesses of each option? Is there a higher principle/need that draws people together? For example, conflict over methods, goals, values. Roger Heuser 8 Stage 3: Injustice Collecting Intervention -- How much injustice collecting has been going on? To what extent? How INTERVENTION AT STAGE 3 many other parties have been triangled? Distinguish managing conflict/differences and resolving differences. Reassure parties that the conflict will be addressed – and that you advocate a healthy process with good ground rules for advocacy and openness (What ground rules do parties offer?). What’s the level of trust/communication on each side? Are parties owning up to their part, or are they focused on blaming others? Are parties willing to meet together? Do they have concerns about meeting? Or do you need to meet separately with conflict parties? May need to slow down the conflict, establish boundaries about name calling, blaming, attacking which are just a few of offensive tactics. Perhaps ask people to take a break from fighting and engage in spiritual practices with a promise to return to the issue. Look for issues in hurt and forgiveness. Increase the psychological power base of participants to be open to more options. Coach participants in reflective listening. When all is said and done, what do parties want to see happen? Realistically, what do parties think will happen? Conflict is a social construction of reality expressed through people’s stories. Are parties ready to share their story, and to hear the stories of others? Fill in conflict understanding using the Operational Model of Conflict. Roger Heuser 9 Stage 4: Confrontation Intervention -- INTERVENTION AT STAGE 4 Review all pertinent assumptions/ground rules from earlier stages. People must believe their goals, desires, and feelings are taken seriously. People need PERMISSION to disagree without feeling guilt, EMPOWERMENT to express views with strength and feelings with clarity, and PROTECTION to keep people from being needless hurt. Invite parties to tell their story – coach other parties to engage in reflective listening. Use the operational model of conflict to understand conflict dynamics – check for agreements, clarification. If necessary, may invite parties to take a break from the conflict – eso injustice collecting – commit themselves to engage in spiritual practices for a period of time (1-4 weeks), after which we will tackle the issues that divide the parities. May need to separate conflict issues from forgiveness journey – hurt, hate, heal, reconcile – hurts eventually need reconciliation, the nature of our differences do not need reconciliation – may need to manage our differences. Roger Heuser 10 Stage 5: Adjustments Intervention -- INTERVENTION AT STAGE 5 What have members learned about themselves, about their team/dept, about God, the organization, and ways to deal with conflict. Move toward negotiating a set of new expectations about working together. What would be “ground rules” for the next conflict? Identify the difference between resolving conflict and managing differences. What will persons do the next time there is tension or role dilemma. Institutionalize permission to bring differences to the table. Roger Heuser 11 HIGH Conflict Mgt Styles Accommodator Collaborator COOPERATIVE Compromiser Thomas-Kilmann Avoider Competitor DIRECTING LOW HIGH ASSERTIVE (Personal Goal) Roger Heuser 12 Ground rules for healthy conflict … 1. It’s okay to say “that hurts” – and to check out any tension in a relationship. 2. Attack the problem -- not each other with shaming, blaming, judging. 3. Practice “both/and” thinking and look for a “third way” – try adopting their point of view and see if you’re accurate. “Here’s my take -- what do I have right? What do I have wrong?” 4. Become familiar with your defensive patterns. If things are spiraling down, take time out (if even a few minutes, or longer) for people to regain their senses of being grounded. 5. No one gets it right all the time – it’s okay to make mistakes, take back words and e-mails, and especially ask for forgiveness. 6. Become aware of triangles and injustice collecting. 7. Take responsibility for your own part of the conflict. Each conflict is a learning opportunity. 8. Maintain confidences – be trustworthy. 9. What are your short term/long term hopes and desires? … of others? Roger Heuser 13 ©️ Roger Heuser 3 P’s in managing conflict 1. PERMISSION: People can disagree without feeling “put down.” Welcome “push-back” from one another 2. emPOWERMENT: People are encouraged to express personal viewpoints… to tell their story. Listening to one another is a gift of empowerment. 3. PROTECTION: People get hurt in conflict. It’s important to set ground rules for those engaging in conflict and conversations. Encourage people to express when they feel threatened, vulnerable, or attacked. Heuser/Shawchuck, Leading the Congregation, ch 10. Roger Heuser 14 The apostle Paul offers practical, sometimes difficult, admonition… 15 but speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by every ligament with which it is equipped, as each part is working properly, promotes the body’s growth in building itself up in love.” Ephesians 4:15-16 Roger Heuser 15 The apostle Paul offers practical, sometimes difficult, admonition… “Speaking the truth” (Assertiveness) “in love” (Open to others/empathic understanding) Ephesians 4:15ff Growing into Christlikeness, promoting health Roger Heuser 16 Practicing assertiveness - Involve the other in testing your assumptions Expressing yourself: “Here’s what I’m thinking.” “I assumed that …” “I came to this conclusion because…” Asking of them: “What do you think about what I just said?” “How do you respond to my own assumptions?” “Is there any thing you would add?” “Do you see it differently?” Roger Heuser 17 Practicing openness/empathic understanding Ask others to make known their thinking “Walk me through how you came to that position?” or “How did you arrive at that conclusion?” “Can you help me better understand where you’re coming from?” “Am I correct in assuming that…” “Have you considered?” “When you say… my concern is …” Roger Heuser 18 When conflict parties are at a roadblock What do we know for a fact? Where do we agree, and where do we disagree? Acknowledge the roadblock, Each side: In all honesty, here’s what I have said or done that I think has and tease out current thinking contributed to the issues on the table. Are there other things I’ve done or said from your perspective that I haven't expressed? What do parties want – short Each side: When all is said and done, what do we really want to see happen? term and long term? Is there a short-term goal we can agree to work together? Ask questions that can reframe What don’t we know that is important to issues that would help us figure things the direction of the out? conversation What do we believe to be true, but have no evidence to back it up? Listen to others as if it’s the I don’t understand the assumptions underlying why we disagree. Are we starting first time from two different assumptions? What commitments are we willing to make that would enable us to address these roadblocks? What sacrifice are we willing to make? Roger Heuser 19 What do we want to create together? SUMMARY: Assertiveness and Open to Others 1. Express your personal integrity (speaking truth) through ASSERTIVENESS Think through you r own beliefs, values, and assumptions and how to express them without creating defensiveness Express your own values, beliefs, and assumptions in a way that invites feedback from others 2. Be OPEN to others Discover their values, beliefs, and assumptions Invite others to express their values, beliefs, assumptions, and look for commonalities. Practice reflective listening – try to restate in your own words what you heard them say. 3. Consider how you might ADDRESS what may be “undiscussables” Ask, “Is there something important that we’re not addressing?” We may interpret what someone said, but it was not what they meant 4. Try to move a conflict to defining a problem we want to address. Then move from problem definition to What are we trying to create? Roger Heuser 20 SUMMARY: Speaking the truth in love 1. “Speak the truth” through your advocacy/assertiveness Reflect often – think things through, question your own mental models Assert your own values, beliefs, and assumptions in a way that invites feedback from others 2. “in love” through openness/empathic understanding Discover their values, beliefs, and assumptions Invite others to assert their values, beliefs, assumptions, and look for commonalities 3. ADDRESS the white elephants in the room Ask often “Is there something important to this discussion that we’re not addressing?” Unexamined assumptions can become distorted “group think” -- and multiplied triangles 4. Move conflict to problem-solving, and “What are we trying to create?” Roger Heuser 21 Especially when there are… 1. Opposing Opinions Crucial 2. Strong Emotions conversations Kerry Patterson, et al., Crucial Conversations 3. High Stakes Roger Heuser 22 LEARN 1. When people feel safe, they are free to say about anything To LooK – they can be themselves and feel they belong. (Amy Edmondson) 2. When people feel unsafe, they move to silence (withhold meaning from others) or violence (force meaning on others). Common forms of silence Common forms of violence 1. Masking through 1. Controlling others by understating, sugarcoating or dominating the conversation, sarcasm. cutting others off, speaking 2. Avoiding sensitive subjects. in absolutes. Learn to recognize when 3. Withdrawing from a 2. Labeling/Dismissing people conversation altogether. or ideas. people no longer feel safe. (51ff) 3. Attacking by belittling or threatening others. (58-61) Kerry Patterson, et al., Crucial Conversations, ch 4 Roger Heuser 23 MAKE IT 1. Review for yourself: “What do I really want? What do others want? What do I want for the relationship?” SAFE 2. Is mutual purpose at risk: Do others believe I care about their goals in the conversation? Do they trust my motives? 3. When mutual respect or purpose is at risk: a. Apologize when appropriate. b. Use contrast statements, “I don’t want” with “I do want.” “The last thing I want to do is to communicate that I don’t care about our relationships…” I really believe that we can …” c. Create a mutual purpose: ”You want…” and “I want…” “So let’s come up with something When others move to that … and then we both will be satisfied.” silence or violence, step out of the content and ”Whatever we do, I don’t want this to negatively impact our help people feel safe. relationship.” ”I think we can come up with something that does not compromise Kerry Patterson, et al., Crucial Conversations, ch 5 what we both want.” Roger Heuser 24 Emotions are not imposed from outside. You create them yourself. We can “regulate” them, or “fall hostage” to them. MASTER 1. Instead of feelings being in the driver’s seat… My Stories FEEL ACT Stay in dialogue when you’re Hurt, scared, angry Silence, Cheap shot angry, scared, or hurt… 2. Walk back the steps… SEE & HEAR TELL A STORY FEEL ACT a. ACT – Notice your behavior. Am I in form of silence or violence? b. FEEL – What emotions are encouraging me to act this way? c. TELL STORY – What story is creating these emotions? d. SEE/HEAR – What evidence do I have to support the story? Kerry Patterson, et al., Crucial Conversations, ch 6 Roger Heuser 25 Break Out Sessions Personal journaling for 2-3 minutes – jot down some thoughts about the following questions: WHAT? (stands out for me? What interests me?) SO WHAT? (are the implications of the key points to what you are doing?) NOW WHAT? (may you consider doing or practicing? … etc) Roger Heuser 26 Christian Leadership STRENGTHENING CHARACTER, COLLABORATION, AND ORGANIZATIONAL EFFECTIVENESS WEEK FOUR Hour 1 Conflict intervention Hour 2 Becoming a self-differentiated leader in highly anxious systems. Hour 3 Spiritual leadership theory and marketplace spirituality promote organizational health Roger Heuser 27 Leading change in environments of complexity and anxiety… is an emotional process 28 Roger Heuser Emotions - revealed anxieties - are automatic physiological reactions to stress. Anxiety is an emotional field force – traveling through individuals and groups. 29 ©️ Roger Heuser Roger Heuser ACUTE ANXIETY CHRONIC ANXIETY “wake up” call to real threat …. free floating uneasiness that promotes automatic, reactive responses – without our thinking. Roger Heuser 30 ©️ Roger Heuser When one person becomes stressed, everyone feels some level of anxiety. Roger Heuser 31 Leaders are simultaneously involved in four separate families whose emotional forces interlock: 1. Leader’s family of origin 2. Leader’s nuclear family (close friendship circle) 3. Families in your org 4. Organization is like “a family” Friedman argues: Since the emotional processes in all of these systems are identical, unresolved issues in any one of them can produce symptoms in the others, and increased understanding of any one of them creates more effective functioning in all three. Edwin Friedman, Generation to Generation, 1. Roger Heuser 32 ©️ Roger Heuser Five Typical Patterns of Anxiety in Families (Murray Bowen) Conflict that simmers and then erupts in emotional outbursts Cutting off relationships – a way of coping with conflict Over-functioning/Under-functioning Distance/Togetherness Triangling Roger Heuser 33 Zones of Comfort Emotional triangles are basic building block on any relational system – go to other family members, Threat friends, affairs preoccupation with alcohol, hobbies, work, other addictions… Togetherness/ Separateness/ Closeness Distance Threat Sets up the dynamics of ”Pursuer” and “Distancer” – Intense energy in unresolved conflict “Over-functioner” and “Under-functioner” under the surface Surfaced in passive/aggressive behaviors Roger Heuser and emotional outbursts 34 Triangling Husband withdraw, and Wife is involved feels depressed with too many outside activities. No SINGLE CAUSE? 30 0 Intensity of Triangling Degree of emotional isolation, when I feel “cut off” from others The more husband withdraws/is depressed, the more the wife is engaged in “outside” activities…. Level of anxiety “surface” symptoms Doesn’t30 matter who 25started it! 10 15 of issues It’s a reciprocal process -- a living system! Work is now triangulated into the relationship! Roger Heuser 35 See yourmindfulcompass.com Both sides feel anxious if they “lose” your support as a leader! Supervisor (You) If you side with Loren, Now Laura sees you as the “enemy” he sees you as an ally -- siding with John – you’re weak, friendly, strong, and making unable to stake a stand right decisions Loren Laura has conflict with Roger Heuser 36 Marie’s Marie’s deceased mother father Younger brother Marie in the midst of Marie’s husband family systems operating in leadership ministry Oldest Younger daughter son Ministry colleague Ronald Richardson, Creating a Healthier Church, 33. Roger Heuser 37 Roy in the midst of family systems operating in leadership ministry. Roy’s Roy’s father mother Roy’s brother Roy Roy’s wife daughters Ronald Richardson, Creating a Healthier Church, 33. Roger Heuser 38 Family systems operating in a Leadership Team Ronald Richardson, Creating a Healthier Church, 36. Roger Heuser 39 Roger Heuser 40 Recognizing emotional forces in you…your relationships … your organization 1. Emotional reactivity - automatic reactions, little capacity to self-regulate one’s anxiety, increased defensiveness and judgment patterns, loss of resiliency and playfulness 2. Herding instinct - circle the wagons, groupthink (”stuck togetherness”), conformity that avoids offending least mature members (often the troublemaker). Anyone who thinks differently is disloyal. 3. Blame displacement - find fault and blame others, focus on pathology, lack of self-awareness to “own” and responsibly deal with issues, engage in ad-hominem arguments. 4. Quick-fix mentality - deny adaptive challenges, low threshold for pain that seeks symptom relief rather than deep change. 5. Failure of Nerve (Poorly defined leaders) leader opts to appease others (even the “noisy wheel”), avoids conflict, reluctant to take a well-defined stand or make difficult decisions, leads out of reactivity and crisis. 1-5, Edwin Friedman, Failure of Nerve, 91-92 6. Secrecy distorts reality, promotes triangles and distrust, opposes healing, and locks in pathology. 7. Invasiveness uses power to gain access and control, ignores limits and rules, invader feels entitled while invaded feel violated among other emotions. 6-7, Peter Steinke, Uproar, 33 Roger Heuser 41 Edwin Friedman, Failure of Nerve, 91-92. Anxiety Reactivity + in the system Low differentiation Roger Heuser 42 Triggering issues that heighten anxiety External threats/uncertainty Politically “hot” buttons Not meeting the budget Declining numbers --- rapid growth numbers Low morale Conflict Restructuring Changes in family (birth, death, illness, divorce…) Changing demographics Retirements New hires What triggers anxiety in you… in colleagues… in your congregation? Roger Heuser 43 We can’t do this because “they” will get upset. Roger Heuser 44 Four Patterns of reactivity 1. Which reactive patterns Outward appearance of going along with others, but inwardly Compliance (maybe unconsciously resenting being “forced”. are often expressed by others? Emotionally react to decisions that seem unfair – dragging our 2. Which are your own “go Rebellion feet, doing the opposite of what is requested. Rebels have a to” reactive patterns? strong sense of their own freedom and “rights.” 3. How predictable do you think you are to those who Power Instead of the negative (I’m not going to do that!”), we demand, know you? “You better do this!” Each side sees the other as wrong and tells Struggle them what to do. Frustration and anger are the major subjective 4. How might these experiences for people engaged in power struggles. patterns contribute to team/organizational Emotional We refuse to engage with others. We make ourselves unavailable “stuckness” – good Distancing – we stop attending meetings, or we show up but do not intentions/disappointing participate. results? Roger Heuser 45 Ronald w. Richardson, Creating a Healthier Church, p. 93ff The Differentiation of Self Scale In touch with emotions & thinking low – high (1-100) 1. Self-awareness and self-understanding of thoughts and feelings – equal access to them both. “I am not defined by what others think, expect, or demand of me.” 2. I can still stay connected to others. ” I can stay in the relationship – listening, connecting, and stating where I am” without being defensive or argumentative.” Roberta M. Gilbert, The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory. Lake Federick, VA: Leading Systems Press, 2004, 2006, 28. Roger Heuser 46 In touch with emotions & thinking The Differentiation of Self Scale low – high (1-100) Bowen believed those on the lower half of the scale… were more vulnerable to stress and less resilient, lived in a “feeling” controlled world vs objective reasoning, seek comfort and security instead of progress, seek approval, separate from, or attack others for not providing comfort and security. “Chronic disruption of the relationship system results in dysfunction and high incidence of human problems, including physical and emotional illness, and social dysfunction.” Roberta M. Gilbert, The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory. Lake Federick, VA: Leading Systems Press, 2004, 2006, 28. Roger Heuser 47 Leadership is an emotional process … By well-differentiated leader I do not mean an autocrat who tells others what to do … Rather, I mean someone who has clarity about their own life goals… ✓ who is less likely to become lost in the anxious emotional processes swirling about… ✓ who can be separate while remaining relationally connected, and therefore can maintain a modifying, non-anxious, and sometimes challenging presence… ✓ who can manage his or her own reactivity to the automatic reactivity of others and therefore be able to take stands as the risk of displeasing. Friedman, Failure of Nerve, 14 Roger Heuser 48 … when anxiety reaches certain thresholds, “reasonableness and honesty” no longer defend against illusion, and then even the most learned ideas can begin to function as superstition.” It is a highly reactive atmosphere pervading all the institutions in our society – a regressive mood that contaminates the decision-making processes of government and corporations at the highest level, and on the local level, seeps down into the deliberations of the neighborhood church, synagogue, hospital, library, and school boards. Friedman, Failure of Nerve, 2 Roger Heuser 49 “In any type of institution whatsoever, when a self-directed, imaginative or creative member is being consistently frustrated and sabotaged rather than encouraged and supported, what will turn out to be true 100 percent of the time, regardless of whether the disrupters are supervisors, subordinates or peers, is that… the person at the very top of that institution is a peace-monger. By that I mean a highly anxious risk-avoider, someone who is more concerned with good feelings than with progress… When creative, imaginative, and self-starting members of any organization are being sabotaged rather than supported, the poorly differentiated person “at the top” does not have to be in direct contact with the person being undercut.” Roger Heuser 50 Friedman, Failure of Nerve, 13, 15 Three way disruption Anxious Self “Disruptor” Anxious Anxious Environment Others Evoke Anxiety Roger Heuser 51 Reflection: How Individuated and Differentiated is my Self? Think about people in your life that fall into any of the following descriptions. People with whom you know you need People you may have over-identified with Your self-esteem will go down if they do to please & get their approval; if not, (fused into) – often you forget what you want not approve of you. If approval from them there are relational consequences to when you are with them. does not come, you will shrink in size. deal with. People with whom you have very People with whom you have a very healthy People always just “let you be” and muddled boundary with, can’t easily boundary with that permits emotional encourage you to be who you are without distinguish what are theirs & what are intimacy without fearing of losing intimacy. requiring you to conform -- in spite of what your issues. they feel People you often have conflicts with but People who just love you for who you are and People with whom you often have few remain close. encourage you to love yourself. words in exchange but still feel comfortable being together. Try to figure out what are the factors that demarcate people in these lists – what makes them and you different? What part of YOU is doing or not doing that lead to maintaining these relational patterns. Roger Heuser 52 How Am I Doing? The Strong “I/self” and “others” Pair up – share about the people you have put in the different categories on previous slide. Reflect together where you with the questions below. ✔ Are there relationships where I am able to take an “I” ✔ Do I know what boundaries between and me are mine - and position and I am able to clearly define who I am, what I yours? What work do I need to do? What work do you need stand for, what I think? Are there relationships where I to do for us to have a healthy relationship? need to work on this? How might God help me navigate cultural norms? ✔ Am I able to handle strong emotions and calm logic when circumstances dictate - without making you wrong? ✔ Am I able to transcend from my need for : Group/people attachment, Group/people approval? ✔ Am I able to maintain independence and a sense of autonomy from others; and yet can simultaneously assume a strong affiliative relationship (even intimacy) with others? person by Adrien Coquet from the Noun Project people by sultan mohammed from the Noun Project NOTE: Christian spirituality is moving from insecure human attachments to a “divine attachment” with God through Jesus Christ and the power of Spirit (Eph 3). Roger Heuser 53 ` Practically …. A well and effective differentiated person can Maintain a clearly defined sense of self and thoughtfully – adhering to personal convictions when pressured by others to do otherwise. Stay connected and open with others when the relationship gets to a sticky conflictual patch. Not interested in the “rightness” and “wrongness” in the human interaction. This means one can disagree without assigning personal stuff or blame. Dr. Mee Yan Cheung-Judge, Quality & Equality Ltd. 54 Well-differentiated Leadership Self regulate Define Stay Self Connected Define self Stay connected Monitor and manage one’s anxiety and reactive Stay connected to others Leading out of clarity about patterns as non-anxious, modifying identity, purpose, values, and sometimes challenging Reposition myself rather Self Regulate and vision presence than focus on others Willing to take a clearly Seek to understand; listen Monitor emotional defined stand for song under the triangles that trigger Open to change and capable reactivity and resistance reactivity of adapting Practice vulnerability - Think things through before Practice advocacy & accept responsibility for automatic responses openness your part Learn from your inner critic Know true/false self Don’t shut out truth tellers and other voices dynamics Ask deeper questions to Non-defensive responses to Expand “use of self” roles help people think things “personal attacks” – “I Explore family of origin through never thought of that.” “Not sure I can do anything Engage spiritual practices Coach healthy members about that.” Utilize humor and Healthy boundaries playfulness Roger Heuser 55 8 Anchors to help us stay grounded and able to work effectively in “highly anxious systems” 5. Staying calm and able to apply logical reasoning to assess the situation even in highly charged situations. 1. Knowing who “I” am. 6. Maintaining my personal commitment to 2. Holding healthy boundaries. what the system needs - staying differentiated. 3. Being less needy of group approval from others/won’t panic when I need to stay 7. Staying as much as I can to my true self – true to my personal convictions. my voice. 4. Being less “narcissistic self -absorbed” 8. Knowing I can work through “sticky of my own limitations and fears. situations” as my “I” position comes from a well-defined self. Roger Heuser 56 Guidelines for leaders 1. Engage in spiritual practices that strengthen our divine image-bearing identity as God’s beloved sons and daughters on a journey with God into Christlikeness (2 Cor 6:18). This means knowing and being known by God in our fallenness and receiving God’s transformational love being poured in our hearts (Eph 3:14-19). 2. Map out the triangle corners (persons and/or issues). Refuse temptation to diagnose others’ motives and personalities no matter what they’re doing to you. INSTEAD, Ask yourself, “What about the relationship and/or issue makes me anxious? What in the emotional system might be making others anxious? 3. Reduce your own reactivity. Become familiar with the different ways to calm yourself. A non-anxious presence can be as contagious as anxiety. 4. After becoming calm, clarify for yourself, “What do I really believe? What do I value? What important principles are at stake here?” 5. Consider the beliefs and values of others, not to argue with them but to connect with them and to demonstrate that you understand.. What’s the song beneath the words? Ask them if your perceptions are accurate? 6. If you want to influence, stay connected with others (even those in triangles). 7. Keep good boundaries on what you share with others. 8. The primary way we change emotional systems is to reposition (change) ourselves. Do a better job of defining ourselves, and become an anchor of non-anxious presence for the system. When we are less anxious, our steadiness becomes a source of stability for others. Roger Heuser 57 Break Out Sessions Personal journaling for 2-3 minutes – jot down some thoughts about the following questions: WHAT? (stands out for me? What interests me?) SO WHAT? (are the implications of the key points to what you are doing?) NOW WHAT? (may you consider doing or practicing? … etc) Roger Heuser 58 Christian Leadership STRENGTHENING CHARACTER, COLLABORATION, AND ORGANIZATIONAL EFFECTIVENESS WEEK FOUR Hour 1 Conflict intervention Hour 2 Becoming a self-differentiated leader in highly anxious systems. Hour 3 Spiritual leadership theory and marketplace spirituality promote organizational health Roger Heuser 59 MISSION VISION RELATIONSHIPS STUFF HAPPENS SPIRITUALITY STRUCTURE CULTURE THROUGHPUT Roger Heuser 60 Workplace Spirituality “There is no profit in curing the body if in the. process we destroy the soul.” Roger Heuser 61 “The creative life seeks to produce or restore the blessings of a truth that benefits more than just ourselves. It seeks to reform our souls and society. It recognizes the evils around us while not allowing them to paralyze us. To do this work well, we must always be doing inventory on our hearts and hands. Why are we making, and what are we making? The creative life honors the Spirit that inspires us while fixing our eyes on a redemptive future in which God has invited us to participate.” Sho Baraka, He Saw That It Was Good: Reimagining Your Creative Life to Repair A Broken World. New York: WaterBook, an imprint of Random House, 2021, xxii. Roger Heuser 62 What if organizations – because of their “divine image-bearing” dynamics – could not help but create a positive culture where individuals and groups at all levels of the organization were … “fully engaged and continually renewed?” No organization is static – moving perhaps in small or big ways between these two poles. Becoming self-aware of these dynamics increases our capacity for what we bring to becoming part of a productive community. The reality is that in all organizations, there are individuals and teams at all levels of the organization that are… ”overextended and underutilized.” Roger Heuser 63 Roger Heuser 64 Summary Conclusions … studies found that spirituality in the workplace to be positively related to org commitment, job satisfaction, org citizenship, loyalty, and other measures of performance. Measures of spirituality in the workplace significantly related to altruism and conscientiousness, retention, self-career management, org self-esteem, reduced inter-role conflict, reduced frustration, and ethical behaviors. “Leadership is the art of mobilizing others to want to struggle for shared aspirations.” James Kouzes and Barry Posner Authentic Leadership Development as a Root Construct Underlying all forms of Positive Leadership Develops higher-level, universal moral values and character. Helps individuals in the search for meaning and connection at work Enhances employee well-being and sustained veritable performance. 67 RELIGION vs. SPIRITUALITY Religion is concerned with faith in the claims of one faith tradition or another … Connected with this are religious teachings or dogma, ritual prayer, and so on. Spirituality is concerned with those qualities of the human spirit- such as love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of wholeness and harmony-which bring happiness to both self and others. 68 Louis Fry, Maximizing the Triple Bottom Line Through Spiritual Leadership RELIGION vs. SPIRITUALITY The common bridge between spirituality and religion is Altruistic love – regard or devotion to the interests of others. In religion this is manifested through the golden rule which is common to all major religions. 69 Louis Fry, Maximizing the Triple Bottom Line Through Spiritual Leadership Comparison of scholarly fields emphasizing values relating to human well-being Spiritual Workplace Religion Character Positive leadership spirituality (Smith, 1991; ethics & psychology (Fry, 2003) (Giacalone & Kriger & Hanson, education (Snyder & Lopez, Jurkiewicz, 1999) (Josephson, 2001) 2003) 2002) Vision Honesty Vision of Service/ Trustworthiness Optimism Hope/Faith Forgiveness Letting Go of Self Honesty Hope Altruistic Love: Hope Honesty Integrity Humility Trust/Loyalty Gratitude Veracity/Truthful- Reliability Compassion Forgiveness/ Humility ness Loyalty Forgiveness Acceptance/ Compassion Charity Respect Gratitude Gratitude Integrity Humility Civility Love Integrity Forgiveness Courtesy Altruism Honesty Compassion Dignity Empathy Courage Thankfulness/Grati- Tolerance Toughness Kindness tude Acceptance Meaningfulness Empathy/ Responsibility Humor Compassion Accountability Patience/ Excellence Meekness/ Diligence Endurance/ Perseverance Excellence Continuous Fun Improvement Fairness Process Impartiality Caring 70 Citizenship SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP Spiritual leadership theory is a causal leadership model for organizational transformation designed to create an intrinsically motivated, learning organization. The theory of spiritual leadership was developed within an intrinsic motivation model that incorporates vision, hope/faith, and altruistic love, theories of workplace spirituality, and spiritual survival/well-being. Louis Fry, Maximizing the Triple Bottom Line Through Spiritual Leadership 71 SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP Comprises the values, attitudes, and behaviors that one must adopt to intrinsically motivate one’s self and others so they have a sense of spiritual well-being through calling and membership – i.e. they experience meaning in their lives, have a sense of making a difference, and feel understood and appreciated. Fleischman, 1990; Fry, 2003; Maddock & Fulton, 1998 72 SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP The purpose of spiritual leadership is to tap into the fundamental needs of both leader and follower for spiritual well-being through calling and membership, to create vision and value congruence across the individual, empowered team, and organization levels and, ultimately, to foster higher levels of organizational commitment, productivity, and maximize BOTH human well-being and performance excellence. Louis Fry, Maximizing the Triple Bottom Line Through Spiritual Leadership 73 SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP Based in Intrinsic Motivation EXTRINSIC = EFFORT PERFORMANCE REWARD MOTIVATION (GIVE ME A REWARD TO WORK) INTRINSIC PERFORMANCE = EFFORT MOTIVATION REWARD (MY WORK IS MY REWARD) 74 Roger Heuser 75 ”Membership/Belonging” Reinhold G. Titus, “Fostering Globally Inclusive Mission Organisations: Exploring Inclusivity in Western Founded Global Mission Organizations through the experiences of senior African leaders serving in them. (MA Thesis, Redcliffe College, 2021). Roger Heuser 76 ”Membership/Belonging” Reinhold G. Titus, “Fostering Globally Inclusive Mission Organisations: Exploring Inclusivity in Western Founded Global Mission Organizations through the experiences of senior African leaders serving in them. (MA Thesis, Redcliffe College, 2021). Roger Heuser 77 QUALITIES OF SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP INTRINSIC MOTIVATION THROUGH VISION, HOPE/FAITH and ALTRUISTIC VALUES Hope/Faith (Effort) Vision (Performance) Endurance Broad appeal to key Stakeholders Perseverance Defines the Destination and Journey Do What It Takes Reflects High Ideals Stretch Goals Encourages Hope/Faith Expectation of Reward Establishes a Standard of Excellence Victory Altruistic Values (Reward) Forgiveness Kindness Integrity Empathy/Compassion Honesty Patience Courage Trust/Loyalty 78 Humility Do people (team/dept/organization) know the stories of colleagues becoming Christ followers -- their calling, giftings, and aspirations? Do people know how the calling of others has been strengthened and fulfilled through ministry, or how it has been unnoticed, trivialized, or weakened? Do people feel a personal sense of belonging? Are there steps your team/dept/org could take so that everyone feels a stronger sense of belonging ? Roger Heuser 79 Think about a nephew, niece, friend you know is exploring their vocational call to do what you’re doing. Big questions they ask you, “How would you describe your own calling and sense of belonging in your community? … “What’s it like to be a leader in your organization?” … “What gives you the deepest joy? … how about frustrations?” Roger Heuser 80 Spiritual Leadership Vision goes beyond self-interests when it expresses aspirations, encourages hope, and has People with deeply held broad support to key stakeholders. convictions of hope and faith will sacrifice Vision links personal calling with a larger purpose. personal hardship in Three questions: (1) What is our journey? (2) Why their conviction in are we taking this journey? (3) Who are we, what moving toward vision’s do we do on this journey? fulfillment. Altruistic love is a “deep caring, concern and appreciation for both self and others that produce a sense of wholeness, harmony, and well-being. … Values that tend to foster altruistic love are honesty, integrity, humility, courage, and compassion.” Roger Heuser 81 Spiritual Leadership Qualities Roger Heuser 82 Roger Heuser 83 Inner Life Practices in Christian Tradition ❑ Scripture reading ❑ Spiritual life retreats ❑ Prayer of the imagination ❑ Spiritual conversations ❑ Lectio divina (Visio/Audio) ❑ Confessional communities (Curt Thompson) ❑ Examen ❑ Conversatio Website (Dallas Willard) ❑ Centering prayer ❑ Classics and contemporary authors in Christian ❑ Journaling spirituality ❑ Nature walks Roger Heuser 84 Roger Heuser 85 Roger Heuser 86 Strategic Scorecard Model of Performance Excellence through Spiritual Leadership Strategic Management Process Internal Internal & & Mission Mission && Strategy Strategy&& External External Implementation Implementation Evaluate Evaluate Vision Vision Objectives Objectives Analysis Analysis Leading Indicators/Managing Metrics Outcome Indicators/Strategic Performance Indicators Inputs Outputs: Outputs: Customer Customer Financial Financial Inputs Processes Processes Quality Quality Satisfaction Satisfaction Performance Performance Scorecard) Delivery Service Input/Output Model BS SS Calling Calling Performance Performance Strategic Make MakeaaDifference Difference (Vision) (Vision) Scorecard Life Life HasMeaning Has Meaning Effort Effort Commitment Commitment Performance (Hope/Faith) (Hope/Faith) Learning Learning & & Categories Works Works Growth Growth Reward Reward Membership Membership (Altruistic (Altruistic Be BeUnderstood Understood Love) Love) Be Appreciated Be Appreciated Roger Heuser Leadership Process 87 FUNDAMENTAL PROPOSITIONS OF SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP Workplace spirituality is defined as: A framework of organizational values evidenced in the culture that promotes employees’ experience of transcendence through the work process, facilitating their sense of being connected in a way that provides feelings of compassion and joy. 88 FUNDAMENTAL PROPOSITIONS OF SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP To be successful in the 21st century, global, Internet age, organizations must adopt and implement the learning organizational paradigm The fundamental element/building block of the learning organization is the empowered team: Must be based in trust Must have a sense of calling and membership Must have essential characteristics necessary for an empowered team. What is required for workplace spirituality is an inner life that nourishes and is nourished by calling or transcendence of self within the context of a community or membership based on the values of altruistic love. 89 FUNDAMENTAL PROPOSITIONS OF SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP Satisfying these spiritual needs in the workplace positively influences human health and psychological well-being and forms the foundation for the new spiritual leadership paradigm. By tapping into these basic and essential needs, spiritual leaders produce the follower trust, intrinsic motivation, and commitment that is necessary to simultaneously optimize organizational performance and human well-being in learning organizations. Spiritual survival/spiritual well-being is an outcome of spiritual leadership 90 FUNDAMENTAL PROPOSITIONS OF SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP To be successful in the 21st century, global, Internet age, organizations must adopt and implement the learning organizational paradigm The fundamental element/building block of the learning organization is the empowered team that must: be based in trust have a sense of calling and membership have essential characteristics necessary for an empowered team. Roger Heuser 91 FUNDAMENTAL PROPOSITIONS OF SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP What is required for workplace spirituality is an inner life of leaders and followers that nourishes and is nourished by calling or transcendence of self within the context of membership in a community based on the values of altruistic love. By tapping into these basic needs, spiritual leaders produce the followers’ trust, intrinsic motivation, and commitment that is necessary to optimize organizational excellence and personal well-being in learning organizations. Ethical well-being (Manifested as joy, peace, serenity) is an outcome of authentically living (values-attitudes-behavior) the values of altruistic love. Roger Heuser 92 FUNDAMENTAL PROPOSITIONS OF SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP Positive human health, and psychological well-being and organizational commitment, productivity, and performance excellence are outcomes of spiritual survival/spiritual well-being. Ethical well-being (Manifested as joy, peace, serenity) is an outcome of authentically living (values-attitudes-behavior) the values of altruistic love. A. Ethical well-being + calling = spiritual well-being. B. Ethical well-being is necessary for spiritual well-being. 93 FUNDAMENTAL PROPOSITIONS OF SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP The fundamental proposition that should be tested in future research – that spiritual leadership and the learning organizational paradigm are necessary for organizations to achieve BOTH human well-being and performance excellence in the 21st century. 94 Spiritual Leadership as the Keystone Spiritual Leadership Organizational Human Commitment Dignity Productivity Calling Quality Membership Customer Ethical & Satisfaction Spiritual Well- being Financial Performance ALD, PLD Performance Employee Roger Heuser 95 Excellence Well-Being Break Out Sessions Personal journaling for 2-3 minutes – jot down some thoughts about the following questions: WHAT? (stands out for me? What interests me?) SO WHAT? (are the implications of the key points to what you are doing?) NOW WHAT? (may you consider doing or practicing? … etc) Roger Heuser 96 I I know that um his teachings discussion reﬂection is going to shine along light in New York inner soul, inner soul and um let us be open to the Lord and has we are open to the spirit. I know that the Holy Spirit do a D D transformation in your life. So without further, I hand over this time to Roger surv There's uh something about just settling in in the presence of God through uh music that just qui us and um I don't know some of you have seen the the news, but Los Angeles is really going through very diIicult time with all the ﬁres that are out of control. Um I would just like to just take a few moments, if you will, and on their behalf, um I'd like to just um do a little prayer less a dean or Isaiah. Those that weighed upon the Lord shall re know their strength. O that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength Those that weighed upon the Lord shall renew those have weighed upon the Lord. Those that wait so hard on behalf of all of those who have lost their homes or lost loveblues, pets, churches, synagogues, businesses are we ask for your grace to be their portion as they struggle to put their lives back together again, and learned not only for them, but people all over the world who are sovereign, who pray for them. aim them, aim them, will a good evening a really good to be with you again, and um I am so glad that I can be with you and share life together and I'm going to get this set up. Can I'll see that blank screen? I think so, right? Cur So, wow, we've this is the third. This is the fourth week already. and I hope you ought to wonderful Christmas break and we're getting back into this. Remember week one, we looked at leadership as being contextual understanding the environment impinging upon any organization, any family, any individual. We talked about leaders doing theology, meeting from within the, uh, we too, we looked at um the grounding of one's call mission and vision, shadow work, true self, all self, dynamics and and would they a great invitation, and a radical approach to character formation as a Christian is becoming one's true self in Christ, what an amazing journey is a lifelong journey, and then last time we met, we looked at team development group dynamics, the son of the current literature these days by um practitioners would say that that if you want to intervene in an organization, developed healthy teams, healthy teams are a key to an organizational health, where there are where there are psychological safety, there's accountability, people are are accountable to each other because they care about each other. This is a big deal. We looked at some of the current areas of ourship and we then explored conﬂict management and this week we're gonna explore some principles of conﬂict intervention. How do we intervene in a conﬂict that we said last week or last time we met? We never resolve our diIerences, all of our diIerences. We resolve some of them. many of them, but sound we don't resolve so we learn to manage them. We learn to manage her and diIerences. and what we do overstep into conﬂict territory, how do we how do we intervene so we can make things right? and then we can we'll also look at self diIerentiated leadership, but where does that mean when organizations experience anxiety or conﬂict, um that there are emotional systems going on in every relationship and every team, family, organizational dynamic, and then instead of next week introducing spiritual usual theory, I thought I would do that this week as a way to introduce us into the last week of looking at the organization as a whole and how we can um work with a spirit in making organizational organizations healthy and eIective. And so that's what we'll be doing and I conlic intervention subterntiated and spirituallyership theory. So this ﬁrst hour, how do we intervene? Look at this, look at this classroom. Oh, what is this? What is this? This would never happen in Singapore. I know, you know, you would um but here's a class from Moadway intervene. So last time I remember we talked about how one way to look at uh conﬂict is, I don't know what kind of my hair was I have a little inter conﬂict right now that airwatt place. So, the actions of one party that produces a threat, and then a threat produces a reaction of the other party. Well, the threat can be perceived as um an incompatible ballos, goals and methods. So, you know, let's say let's say Gail and I um we really value um as a husband wide, we value intimate friendship. And so our goal might be that we want to spend more time together. um but what if what if I want to go um to an art museum and she wants to go for a walk? We have the same value, but we may have a diIerent goal or a diIerent method, or we have the same goal, but we may have a diIerent method. So remember, one of the best ways to intervene in conﬂict is to ask yourself, is the confent you're having, is it if it's a value, that's harder to manage it harder to resolve, a goal is easier, the method is the easiest. So if you're having a conﬂict always begin to say, well, is this what's our goal here, or what is what do we value that we can ﬁnd in agreement with um and we said the threat then can be physical, um psychological positional, ﬁnancial, social identity, think of how this happened in and the scriptures would um Elijah running for his life from Jezebel and what Peter must have felt when Jesus said, get the behind me, Satan or positional when uh the disciples ask where they would sit in the kingdom of God, uh, the other disciples were angry with them and could be ﬁnancial threat, um certainly it was a ﬁnancial threat to analyze and Safara. So identity with a church and could begin to expand and include Gentiles, so all these are are are threats that we experience. And the natural reaction is to strike back or leave the relationship shut down, comply, and we want the Holy Spirit to help us to be self giving, self giving, seek to understand seek see if you can articulate their understanding of the issues and perhaps even what they are feeling on your part, um, let the defenses down to say, you know what? I'm I'm messed up. I'm really sorry. and and monitor your own defensiveness and conﬂict, that will go up a long ways. We talked about intrapersonal, interpersonal conﬂict.times I may have an interpersonal conﬂict, the other person has no conﬂict at all. um, but it can still all into interpersonal, intergroup, unitzational and the environment. We talked about diIerent levels of conﬂict level one, and that's what we want all these diIerent levels to to go back down into a problem to be addressed rather than a contest, a warfare and destroy these are way out of bounds for Christians dealing with conﬂict, but they happen they had happened I could tell you many stories of Christians who actually wanted to inﬂict injury on others when churches are embroiled in conﬂict or actually to destroy the others. um I'll sure when, um I was called in to uh deal with a church where ﬁve the church had had grown from a church plant to uh like 12, 1500, and just like three yearsast growth. and the uh the lead pastor was um was he's a obsessive compulsive road hard on his staI. There were ﬁve pastors. They were so frustrated. They're all gonna design, um, like in a month. all at once. It's like, went in, talked with the pastor and and he was he was such a he was a controlled freak as they say, uh he told he told me that they were he was leaving that was men. and that they were um they were reading uh 28 chapters of the Bible a day. He wouldn't be happy unless they read 50 a day. They were going, wow, what in the world. And I met with his uh and asked him meet with him and his wife and she said, he's he's intollerable to live with, and we met with a pastors of associate pastors and they were ready to is the ways we can't this is the only way we can get his attention. We're all gonna resign. I persuaded them to um to not submit their resignation, and I met with them and then met with the pastor and um in with his wife, he got and got his attention. and he decided to get help. um there were people who in the church when we met with them and interviews, um here's what they would say to me. Oh, we love our pastor, but he's gotta go. Why does he have to go? Because, um what's that word and um in the pastoral Epistles? Pugnacious, he's pugnacious. And so he said a little, what if he gets some help? Well, it doesn't make it any diIerence. He's he's gotta go. Well, it ended out where the pastor actually went into a a um Christian psychiatric help and got help, and he actually changed, but he couldn't survive the church. He and his wife worked out um the and about three years later, he started at church, two states away, like a thousand miles away. And the ﬁrst Sunday, these people who said they loved him a city had to go because he was f audacious showed up on the steps of the church of the new church passing out ﬁres, telling people where they should not go to that church. They wanted to destroy him. And um it's it's a sad story when people get to that place where they cannot control their own impulse to engage in warfare or to destroy others. So it happens. We talked about stage one in the conﬂict cycle, this is predictable, the loss of freedom, and the relationship is just that, oh, something's a little diIerent in the relationship. So we went through these the complex cycle. um so three ways of resolving a dispute, one is to use power and determine who is right as sometimes the needs and interests are actually ignored. Let's just this is subtus um

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