Clear is Kind PDF

## Clear is Kind - Clear is kind. - Unclear is unkind. ## Section Two: The Call to Courage - When the author was building their company, they found themselves sitting at a table with their team after they asked if they could meet for an hour. - The team had no agenda and the author felt a sinki...

## Clear is Kind - Clear is kind. - Unclear is unkind. ## Section Two: The Call to Courage - When the author was building their company, they found themselves sitting at a table with their team after they asked if they could meet for an hour. - The team had no agenda and the author felt a sinking "What now?" feeling. - The company's CFO, Charles, said that they needed to rumble with the author on a growing concern about how they were working together. ### The Rumble Process - The author used to feel like a rumble was an intervention but they had learned to trust the process because they trusted their team. - Charles stated that they kept setting unrealistic deadlines and working frantically to meet them, but were constantly failing. - They then would set new deadlines and would still not meet them, which led to constant chaos, burnout, and stress for the team. - When the author set a timeline and they push back, the author would become insistent that they stop pushing. This, however, was not helpful because it wasn't attainable and it wasn't a good process for everyone on the team. ### The Dinner Party - The author's team was relieved that the issue of time management was on the table and anxious to hear the author's response. - They felt a sense of relief because of the author's prior experience with their next-door neighbor Steve. - Steve was not good at estimating time and a decade ago, he had a fight with the author during a progressive dinner party they organized. - The author had decided to host a dinner party with their neighbors to raise money for their daughter's PTO, and Steve and the author were in charge of the appetizers and salad. - The guests would then walk next door to have dinner and then come back to the author and Steve’s home for dessert and coffee. - This seemed easy when it was still months away but the actual execution led to the fight. - The author explained they were standing in the dining room and told Steve it would be great and that they were excited about the new recipes, that the only things that needed to be done were preparing the house - the author would touch up the paint in the dining room and Steve would add some pops of color in the front yard. - The author wanted the yard to be a welcome and happy place to show they were "awesome neighbors who have their shit together!" - Steve just stared at the author. - The author glared back at Steve, asking: "What? Why are you looking at me like that?" - Steve responded, “The dinner party starts in two hours.” - The author, thinking they had it all planned out, said: "I know. I’ve thought about it. It’ll take you fifteen minutes to get to Home Depot, thirty minutes to pick out the right combination of flowers, fifteen minutes to get home, forty-five minutes to plant them, and then fifteen minutes to take a shower.” - Steve was shaking his head and couldn’t speak. - The author asked, "What? What's wrong?" - Steve said, “You're not good at estimating time, Brené.” - The author tried to be funny and flippant by saying, “Maybe I'm just faster than most people." - The author immediately regretted making a smart-ass joke and realized that they needed Steve to leave and go to Home Depot. - The author then asked Steve why he thought they were bad at estimating time. - Steve replied, “Well, for starters, you didn’t factor in the hour we’re going to need for the fight that’s going to break out when I say 'Hell, no, I’m not going to landscape the front yard two hours before company comes' and you respond by accusing me of never caring about the details or worrying about the little things. You'll say my lack of attention to detail is why you’re so stressed out all the time. Then you'll say something like 'It must be nice not to have to worry about the little things that make a big difference.’” - The author was shocked, embarrassed, and offended by this statement. - Being able to be open about the situation in a nice way had made the situation even worse because it was so clear. - Steve didn't try to make the author feel bad about their time management skills by being aggressive or rude. - Steve continued by stating “Your ‘must be nice’ comment is going to feel like blame and criticism, and it’s going to piss me off. All of the stress of hosting is going to escalate things. You’ll try not to cry because you don’t want puffy eyes but we’ll both end up in tears. We’ll spend the rest of the night wanting it to be over. So we’re not going to get flowers, and I think we should skip the fight, given our tight timeline.” - The author laughed and said, “Okay. That was painful. And funny.” - Steve said, “The best thing you can do right now is go for a short run and take a shower. What people see is what they get.” - The author was grateful for the opportunity to reflect on the information and see their mistakes clearer which made them more grateful for Charles. - The author shared her reflection on the experience of Steve and said “Over our years of researching and working together, we’ve learned something about clarity that has changed everything from the way we talk to each other to the way we negotiate with external partners. It’s simple, but transformative: _Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind._ I first heard this saying two decades again in a 12-step meeting but I was on slogan overload at the time and didn’t even think about it again until I saw the data about how most of us avoid clarity because we tell ourselves that we are being kind when what we are actually doing is being unkind and unfair. Feeding people half-truths or bullshit to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind. Not getting clear with a colleague about your expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind. Talking about people rather than to them is unkind. This lesson has so wildly transformed my life that we live by it at home. If Ellen is trying to figure out how to handle a college roommate issue or Charlie needs to talk to a friend about something... clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” - The author looked at their team and said, “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this. It’s not the first or even hundredth time I’ve heard this feedback about my sucky time estimation skills. I’m going to work on it. I’m going to get better.” - The author was then able to see that the team was disappointed in their response as “Okay, I get it and I'll work on it” was a common shut-down technique. - The author was thankful for the opportunity to reflect on the feedback and try to understand how the others felt on a deeper level, so the author took a deep breath and said, "Tell me more about how this plays out for y’all. I want to understand." - The author was grateful for their team's willingness to share and said "I'm glad I asked. I needed to hear what they had to say, and they needed me to hear how frustrating, demoralizing, and unproductive it was for me to continue pitching ideas and timelines that were completely unrealistic and then looking at them like they were crushing my dream when they did their jobs by being honest and saying, “That will take at least twelve months, not two months, and it will require a significant cash investment.” - The author shared that they tried to wrap things up quickly to avoid uncomfortable conversations because it's easier to say "Got it, on it," and run. - The author thanked the team for being honest and courageous, and then asked if they could circle back the next day. - The author shared that they had learned that the team was relieved to hear these honest conversations. - The author reflected on the situations they'd found themselves in needing a short break or “circling back” in conversations. - The author shared that they've never regretted taking a short break and that they've regretted pushing through when they should have circled back and taken a short break. - The author reflected on the experience of reading books about project management and shared that they had read two books about project management and felt they were going to have to learn to manage their time better. - The author reflected on a situation where they felt they needed a "Six Sigma black belt" and realized that they thought they needed to work on their time management for the sake of getting things done instead of for their happiness. - The author was reminded that they weren't actually good at time management, but that they had a difficult time realizing that. - The author reflected on their experience around the time they were studying for project management certifications and realized that they had trouble thinking like they were taking the black belt test and didn't like using sharp edges, which would take them away from their natural way of thinking. - The author reflected that they see project management not in a linear fashion but more relationally, like they might see data in their job. - The author shared that they didn't like the way project management was presented and was not a good fit for their way of thinking about things. - The author shared their experience with Star Wars and what they learned from Yoda’s wisdom about Luke Skywalker. - Yoda shared that Luke felt a dangerous kind of pressure in the cave and that he felt that he needed a weapon but Yoda told him that he would not need his weapons and that he would have to go down in the cave alone. - Luke listened, but felt he still needed to use a light saber and felt he couldn't wait to use it to defeat the dark side. - Luke went down into the cave. - Luke was confronted by the dark side, which was Darth Vader. - Luke was prepared and cut off Darth Vader's head, but once he cut it off, he realized the head was his own. - This made the author realize that they needed to consider why they felt they needed to push themselves on projects to avoid feeling like they were not enough, or that if they were to be honest about their struggles, they could be seen as not being enough. - The author shared that it felt difficult to be honest with the team because they were scared of being criticized. This fear kept them from sharing their vulnerability. - This is a common mistake we make when we’re in fear and feel driven by an emotion and it's a predictable pattern of how we assemble our armor. - The author shared the biggest pieces of their armor. - "I'm not enough." - "If I'm honest with them about what's happening, they'll think less of me or maybe even use it against me." - "No way am I going to be honest about this. No one else does it, why do I have to put myself out there?" - "Yeah. Screw them. I don't see them being honest about what scares them. And they've got plenty of issues." - "It’s actually their issues and shortcomings that make me act this way. This is their fault, and they’re trying to blame me." - "In fact, now that I think about it, I'm actually better than them." - The author realized that we all make the mistake of thinking that it’s a long walk from “I'm not enough” to “I'm better than them", but that it is just standing still. - We all still remain in fear when we build our armor. - The author stated that they didn't want to live or lead from fear. - The author shared that courage and faith are their core values and that being in fear leaves them feeling out of alignment with their values and integrity, leaving them feeling a sense of shame and self-doubt. - The author shared the quote by Joseph Campbell: “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” - The author shared that she often thinks about the scene in Star Wars where Lucas reflects this sentiment, which is why it is her favorite scene. - The author shared that they've accepted that they do not have a “project management black belt," yet they believe that the force is with them, which they believe is a better way to think about life and work. ### Treasure Hunting - The author shares that their treasure hunt is to: - Have less fear, scarcity, and anxiety. - Feel less alone. - Work together with the team towards goals that excite them. - The author shares the cave she’s afraid to enter is having to admit that there are things that she doesn’t know how to do, which she thinks other "real leaders" do and that she doesn’t want to share when she’s scared. - The author shares that when she’s scared, she feels like she makes bad decisions and that she feels stuck, scared, tired and lonely. - The author shared the experience of their team having a "circle back" meeting to discuss their feelings and that they each wrote down one thing they gave themselves permission to do or feel. - The author shared that they felt it was easier for their team to write on a post-it note, but that they prefer to write in their journal so that they could keep a reminder of what they were feeling. - The author gave herself permission to be honest with her team, listen with passion, and take a break. - The author shared that she felt permission slips gave people agency in the meetings. - People were given the chance to stay open-minded or to listen more or to ask for more time to think. - The author shared that she has heard permission slips used to get people to ask for more time or to be present but that she still has trouble being present in meetings. - The author shared that, on a personal level, she gives permission to go to the zoo and makes sure to sign the permission slip to allow her kids to go. - The author shared that she felt that writing down “Permission to speak up even though I’m the only person here who isn’t a content expert” doesn't mean that they're going to do it. - The author shared that permission slips aren't promissory notes and don't imply that they're going to deliver on what they say, but that they're valuable because they offer accountability, support, and help individuals understand everyone's perspective in the room. - The author shared that they felt it was important to share their story. - The author also felt they needed to share their vulnerability and shared what they learned from reading business books. - The author shared that her unrealistic timelines stemmed from fear, anxiety, and scarcity. - The author shared that she became even more scared when her team brought up the realistic realities of “contingencies and critical paths." - The author shared that she would push back on the deadlines that she had created and felt like she was always in the right. - The author admitted that she could not handle keeping all of the balls in the air, and she felt alone in her efforts. - The author shared that her timeline pushing came from fear and that she was not honest with her team about these feelings and that she blamed them. - The author shared her frustrations at not having success when she attempted to read books to better her project management and estimation skills. - The author shared that when her team acknowledged that she might be missing key skills, her team didn't react as she thought they would. - The author shared that she’s always been a team player and that they had set up communication processes to combat this issue and have someone to capture minutes at meetings. - The author shared the following: - We've fixed this with new communication processes that include the team continuing to meet—across all areas of the businesses—when I’m locked away writing, researching, or on the road. - We also have a new meeting minutes process. Everyone takes their own notes, but one person in the meeting volunteers to capture minutes. - The author shared that they are working on getting better at handling time. - The author shared some of the things she's learned: - Fear, scarcity, and anxiety drive her. She’s scared someone else will come up with an idea or that they're not doing enough. - She has a hard time balancing everyday work with long-term plans. - She's also trying to get everything in order, but not sharing her burden with her team. - When she realized the source of the problem, she struggled to share her fear of not doing a good job. - The author stated that her "scarcity and anxiety" may be because she does not have the business to be a leader. - The author shared that she's been scared of being honest due to the fear that her team might feel that she isn’t a great leader. - The author shared her frustration at thinking that she might be in over her head and that her team is constantly saying "You don't belong in this job. You study leadership but you can't lead! You’re a joke!" - The author shares a pattern of how we assemble our armor: - "I’m not enough." - "If I’m honest with them about what’s happening, they’ll think less of me or maybe even use it against me." - "No way am I going to be honest about this. No one else does it, why do I have to put myself out there?" - "Yeah. Screw them. I don't see them being honest about what scares them. And they've got plenty of issues." - "It’s actually their issues and shortcomings that make me act this way. This is their fault, and they’re trying to blame me." - "In fact, now that I think about it, I'm actually better than them." - The author shared that she believes that most people just stand still in the same place. - The author shared that she does not want to live in fear and does not want to lead with fear. - The author shared her core values: courage and faith. - The author shared that she felt like she was missing integrity when in fear and that she always had to figure out how to get back in alignment with her values. - The author shared that she tries to remember Joseph Campbell's quote: “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” - The author shared that she believed that this was one of the purest calls to courage for leaders. - The author shared that Campbell was also a consultant for Star Wars. - The author shared that her favorite scene was when Lucas reflects this sentiment. - The author shared that she does not have a black belt, but she believes that the force is with her. - The author shares that her treasure hunt is to: - Minimize fear, scaricity, and anxiety. - Be less lonely. - Work together with her team to have them feel more excited about their goals. - The author shared that she is afraid to admit that she doesn’t know how to do some of the things that she thinks other "real leaders" know how to do. - The author shared that she doesn't want to share her vulnerability because she’s scared that it might lead her to make bad decisions and feel stuck, scared, tired, and lonely. - The author shared that their team had a "circle back" meeting to discuss what they were feeling and that they each wrote down one thing they had permission to do or feel for the meeting. - The author said that they do this exercise by writing on post-it notes or in a journal. - The author shared that she wrote down that she wanted to be honest with her team, listen with passion, and take a break. - The author said that she believes that permission slips are powerful and that they give people a chance to speak up, stay open-minded, or listen more. - The author said that she has seen her team members ask for more time to think or say that they had permission to speak up even though they weren't the content expert. - The author said that these permission slips don't mean that they're going to do it, but that they are useful and offer a chance to increase accountability. - The author shared that she told her team about her experience reading business books and how she failed. - The author shared that her experience reading business books made her realize that her unrealistic timelines came from fear, anxiety, and scarcity. - The author shared that she became more scared when her team brought up the realities of “contingencies and critical paths.” - The author shared that she felt unprepared for the "contingencies and critical paths." - The author shared that she felt like she was always right and that she felt alone in trying to handle her workload. - The author said that she realized that she was making her team feel responsible for her anxiety by blaming them and being angry because they would try to slow her down. - The author said that she realized she wanted her team to read about project management, and she was convinced they were missing skills. - The author said that she was surprised when her team agreed with her, and that they said that this gave her brain more room for creativity! - The author and her team laughed. - The author said that they came away from the “rumble” with four key learnings: - They realized (as a leadership team) that they needed to all be a part of the process, not just a few individuals. - They needed to be more transparent about their work and share what they were working on. - They had a new process for sharing their work and writing down the meeting minutes. - They learned that they needed to do more listening and less talking to ensure they were all on the same page.