Dare to Lead: Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts PDF

# 1 NEW YORK TIMES AND WALL Brene Brown STREET JOURNAL BESTSELLER PhD, MSW BRAVE WORK. TOUGH CONVERSATIONS. WHOLE HEARTS. DA RING GREATLY A ND RISING STRONG AT W...

# 1 NEW YORK TIMES AND WALL Brene Brown STREET JOURNAL BESTSELLER PhD, MSW BRAVE WORK. TOUGH CONVERSATIONS. WHOLE HEARTS. DA RING GREATLY A ND RISING STRONG AT WORK  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 125 Hurricane Harvey hit Houston the next day. Our neighbor­ \ hood was decimated. Team members lost their homes. It was heartbreaking. The book tour launched on time, we moved in the middle of \ the hurricane cleanup, more hard things happened, more beauti­ ful things happened, and connecting with my community was a healing balm. Somehow we all managed to love and lean on each other with so much empathy and kindness through those months that shame kept its distance. Mercifully, I haven't had another injury or illness as serious as that concussion, but I did wrestle down a virus over Christmas and nurse both of my kids through mono over the past year. I'm happy to report that while I've never used "suck it up" and "push through" with anyone but myself, they are no longer in my vo­ cabulary at all. It took fifty years to let go of those shame mes­ sages, but better late than never. SHAME 101 I always start with the Shame 1-2-3's: 1. We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don't experience shame are those who lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. Here's your choice: 'Fess up to experiencing shame or admit that you're a sociopath. Quick note: This is the only time that shame seems like a good option. 2. We're all afraid to talk about shame. Just the word is uncomfortable. 3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives. 126 I Dare to Lead First, shame is the fear of disconnection. As we talked about in the myths of vulnerability, we are physically, emotionally, cog­ nitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and be­ longing. Connection, along with love and belonging, is why we are here, and it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Shame is the fear of disconnection-it's the fear that something we've done or failed to do, an ideal that we've not lived up to, or a goal that we've not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. Here's the definition of shame that emerged from my research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Shame drives two tapes: Never good enough. vVho do you think you are? These gremlinlike voices work as a terrible vise. Right when you overcome the "not good enough" whisper and muster up the cour­ age to enter the arena, the shame gremlins hit you with "Wow. You think you have what it takes to pull this off? Good luck." The Texas gremlins would say, "Don't get too big for your britches, sister." Retreating into our smallness becomes the most seductive and easiest way to stay safe in the midst of the shame squeeze. But, as we've talked about, when we armor and contort ourselves into smallness, things break and we suffocate. Here are some of the responses we received when we asked people for an example of shame: Shame is getting laid off when we're expecting our first child. Shame is hiding my addiction. Shame is raging at my kids. Shame was my response to seeing my parents' shame when I came out.  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 127 Shame is covering up a mistake at work and getting caught. Shame is failing at my business after my friends invested in it. Shame is getting a promotion, then getting demoted six months later because I wasn't succeeding. Shame is my boss calling me a loser in front of our col­ leagues. Shame is not making partner. Shame is my wife asking me for a divorce and telling me that she wants children, but not with me. Shame is getting sexually harassed at work but being too afraid to say anything because he's the guy everyone loves. Shame is constantly being asked to speak on behalf of all Latinos in marketing meetings. I'm from Kansas. I don't even speak Spanish. Shame is being proud of a completed project, then being told it wasn't at all what my boss wanted or expected. Shame is watching things change so fast and no longer knowing how and where I can contribute. The fear of being irrelevant is a huge shame trigger that we are not address­ ing at work. We may not be able to relate to the exact examples, but if we know ourselves and are in touch with our vulnerability, we can recognize that unbearable pain in other people's experiences. Shame is universal. Current neuroscience research shows that the pain and feel­ ings of rejection that shame inflicts are as real as physical pain. Emotions can hurt. And just as we have to describe, name, and talk about physical pain to heal it, we have to recognize and talk about shame to get out from under it. This is even more difficult than 128 I Dare to Lead talking about physical pain because shame derives its power from being unspoken. That's why even the word shame is tough to say. SHAME, GUILT, HUMILIATION, AND EMBARRASSMENT Another reason that shame is so difficult to talk about is vocabu­ lary. We often use the terms embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, and shame interchangeably, when in reality these experiences are very different in terms of biology, biography, behavior, and self­ talk, and they lead to radically different outcomes. Let's start with shame and guilt, because these are the two that we most often confuse, and the consequence of doing that is severe. The majority of shame researchers and clinicians agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the difference between "I am bad" and "I did something bad." Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad. When I was trying to decide how much I wanted to share with my team about how fear and anxiety were the real drivers behind my unreasonable timelines, it was shame that was holding me back. As I said in the previous section, the gremlin message was You research leadership and you can't even lead. You're a joke. It wasn't guilt: Man, I've been unfair to my team with these timelines. I've made the wrong choicefor the wrong reasons. It was shame: It's not that I've made bad choices. I am a bad leader. In our political chaos, people throw around the word shame­ less when they see someone make a self-serving or unethical deci­ sion, and attributing unconscionable behavior to alack of shame. This is wrong and dangerous. Shame isn't the cure, it's the cause. Don't let what looks like a bloated ego and narcissism fool you into thinking there's a lack of shame. Shame and fear are almost al­ ways driving that unethical behavior. We're now seeing that  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 129 shame often fuels narcissistic behavior. In fact, I define narcis­ sism as the shame-based fear of being ordinary. Grandiosity and bluster are easy to assign to an overinflated ego. It's tough to get a glimpse of the fear and lack of self-worth that are actually behind the posturing and selfishness because posturing leads to weaponizing hurt and turning it on other peo­ ple. The last thing people like that need is more shame. More ac­ countability for their behavior and lack of empathy? Yes. More shame just makes them more dangerous, gives them the opportu­ nity to redirect attention to the shaming behavior, and, weirdly, can drum up support from others who are also looking for a way to discharge their pain and an enemy to blame. Shame is not a compass for moral behavior. It's much more likely to drive destructive, hurtful, immoral, and self-aggrandizing behavior than it is to heal it. Why? Because where shame exists, empathy is almost always absent. That's what makes shame dan­ gerous. The opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing em­ pathy. The behavior that many of us find so egregious today is more about people being empathyless, not shameless. While shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, ag­ gression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying, guilt is neg­ atively correlated with these outcomes. Empathy and values live in the contours of guilt, which is why it's a powerful and socially adaptive emotion. When we apologize for something we've done, make amends, or change a behavior that doesn't align with our values, guilt-not shame-is most often the driving force. We feel guilty when we hold up something we've done or failed to do against our values and find they don't match up. It's a psy­ chologically uncomfortable feeling, but one that's helpful. The discomfort of cognitive dissonance is what drives meaningful change. Shame, however, corrodes the very part of us that be­ lieves we can change and do better. 130 I Dare to Lead Humiliation is another word that we often confuse with shame. Donald Klein captures the difference between shame and humiliation when he writes, "People believe· they deserve their shame; they do not believe they deserve their humiliation." If Sonja is in a meeting with her colleagues and her principal, and her prin­ cipal calls her a failure because of her class's test scores, Sonja will probably experience that as either shame or humiliation. If Sonja's self-talk is I am afailure-that's shame. If her self­ talk is "Man, my boss is so out of control, I don't deserve this"- that's humiliation. Humiliation feels terrible and makes for a miserable work or home environment-and if it's ongoing, it can certainly become shame if we start to buy into the messaging. It is, however, still less destructive than shame, where we internal­ ize the "failure" comment. Sonja's humiliation self-talk is "This isn't about me." When we do that, it's less likely that we'll shut down, act out, or fight back. We stay aligned with our values while trying to solve the problem. Embarrassment is normally fleeting and can usually even­ tually be funny. It's by far the least serious and detrimental of these emotions. The hallmark of embarrassment is that when we do something embarrassing, we don't feel alone. We know other folks have done the same thing and, like a blush, the feeling will pass rather than define us. Getting clear on the language is an important start to under­ standing shame. Emotional literacy is the core of shame resil­ ience, which means moving from shame to empathy-the real antidote to shame that we'll dig into more later in this section. HOW SHAME SHOWS UP AT WORK Looking for shame in organizations is like inspecting a home for termites. If you walk through a house and actually spot termites, you have an acute problem that's probably been going on for a  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 131 while. If you walk through an office or school or place of worship and you actually see shame-you see a manager berating an em­ ployee or a teacher belittling a student or clergy using shame as a control mechanism or an activist using shame as a social justice tool-you're witnessing a full-blown threat to your culture. You have to figure out how and why it's happening and deal with it im­ mediately (and without shame). What's trickier is that in most cases, shame is hidden behind the walls of organizations. It's not dormant-it's slowly eating away at innovation, trust, connection, and culture-but it's tougher to spot. Here's what to look for: Perfectionism Favoritism Gossiping Back-channeling Comparison Self-worth tied to productivity Harassment Discrimination Power over Bullying Blaming Teasing Cover-ups These are all behavioral cues that shame has permeated a cul­ ture. A more obvious sign is if shame has become an outright management tool. Is there evidence of people in leadership roles bullying others, criticizing subordinates in front of colleagues, delivering public reprimands, or setting up reward systems that intentionally embarrass, shame, or humiliate people? 132 I Dare to Lead In one of our workshops, a woman leaned back in her chair with tears in her eyes and said, "My shame is so deep I don't even know how to go there." Her colleagues listened with care as she opened up about a boss who'd repeatedly criticized her in front of others. Faith communities and schools are not exempt from shame. In our original research on shame, 85 percent of the people we interviewed could recall a school incident from their childhood that was so shaming, it changed how they thought of themselves as learners. What makes this worse is that approximately half of those recollections were what I refer to as creativity scars. The research participants could point to a specific incident in which they were told or shown that they weren't good writers, artists, musicians, dancers, or something else creative. The shame tool used in these situations was almost always comparison. This helps explain why the gremlins are so powerful when it comes to creativity and innovation, and why using comparison as a man­ agement tool stifles both. On the flip side of that finding, the same data showed that more than 90 percent of the people we interviewed could name a teacher, coach, school administrator, or faculty member who rein­ forced their self-worth and helped them believe in themselves and their ability. What do these seemingly competing findings tell us? School leaders have enormous power and influence, and how they use that power and influence changes people. For better or worse. I've met plenty of daring leaders who are committed to not using shame, but I've never been in a totally shame-free organiza­ tion. Maybe they exist, but I'd be surprised to find one. The best­ case scenario is that it's a limited or contained problem rather than a cultural norm. One of the most common scenarios that come up in the research is the shame people feel when they're fired, and how they're fired. Susan Mann has over three decades of senior leadership ex-  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 133 perience in banking, higher education, and philanthropy. Before starting her own coaching and consulting practice, Susan was the head of the global learning and development team at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Credentialed by the International Coach Federation, Susan is a founding member of the Daring Way senior faculty. (The Daring Way is our training and certification program for helping professionals offered through Daring Educa­ tion, our nonprofit entity.) Susan helps grow the leadership capacity of our company by coaching our emerging leaders. When I asked her about the very tough task of firing employees, she said this: Early in my human resources career one of my mentors taught me always to give people a "way out with dignity." Three decades later-after countless conversations advis­ ing leaders how to fire people-I feel like I have leaned into this advice hundreds of times. What does it mean to give someone a way out with dig­ nity? Remember the human and pay attention to feelings. Of course, leaders must make the thoughtful business de­ cisions that are right for the company: Lay people off, fire someone, reassign a person to a different role. Definitely do what makes sense to achieve the company's goals. And, while you're doing what you need to do, always hold the human in mind. Keep that person who will be im­ pacted by your decision squarely in front of you. This per­ son has a family, a career, and a life that will be affected. When you're delivering the news, be kind. Be clear. Be respectful. Be generous. Can you let the person resign rather than be fired? Can you provide severance pay? Ask the person how they want to let colleagues know about their departure and follow their lead on that if possible. 134 I Dare to Lead Can you allow a graceful exit, so they retain their digni­ ty? This isn't about avoiding hard decisions and hard con­ versations. It's about knowing that we all have hearts that can be hurt. Great leaders make tough "people decisions" and are tender in implementing them. That's giving people a way out with dignity. I asked Susan what gets in the way of giving people a way out with dignity. Susan replied with these answers: Armoring up: I've seen a lot of leaders get defensive when they decide to fire someone. It's a weighty decision, and I see people stay in their heads and be super rational, citing all the reasons why the decision is correct and justifiable. It's a form of self-protection. Time and money: Giving people a way out with dignity is a bigger investment of time, money, heart, energy. It requires us to slow down, be more thoughtful, and have fuller conversations. That doesn't happen as often as it should. The fall guy: Sometimes a person takes the hit for a broken system or team. The leader is looking-often unconsciously-for someone to blame for what's not going well, rather than looking at herself in the mirror and won­ dering what she could do to fix the bigger issues. Lack of vulnerability and courage: an inability to hold the duality of head and heart and engage both at the same time. I see leaders express fear about the emotion the per­ son being fired may show: "I'm afraid she's going to cry or get mad." Sometimes they're afraid they may show emotion themselves: "What if I'm so nervous I lose it?"  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 135 She concluded, "There is an art to giving people a way out with dignity. It's a huge skill to develop and it takes practice. Few companies and leaders make that skill a priority." Perhaps the most devastating sign of a shame infestation is a cover-up. Cover-ups are perpetrated not only by the original ac­ tors, but by a culture of complicity and shame. Sometimes indi­ viduals are complicit because staying quiet or hiding the truth benefits them and/or doesn't jeopardize their influence or power. Other times, people are complicit because it's the norm-they work in a cover-up culture that uses shame to keep people quiet. Either way, when the culture of a corporation, nonprofit, uni­ versity, government, church, sports program, school, or family mandates that it is more important to protect the reputation of that system and those in power than it is to protect the basic human dignity of individuals or communities, you can be certain of the following problems: Shame is systemic. Complicity is part of the culture. Money and power trump ethics. Accountability is dead. Control and fear are management tools. And there's a trail of devastation and pain. When it comes to real talk about shame, we have to set it up the right way so people feel safe. These are powerful conversa­ tions. Giving people permission to talk about shame is liberating. It shines a light in a dark corner. People realize they're not alone. Sharing their stories together normalizes shame, creates connec­ tion, and builds trust. These are the hard conversations that can point the way to desired new behaviors and culture shifts. And in 136 I Dare to Lead some cases, a healing conversation about shame can change our lives. SHAME RESILIENCE The bad news is that shame resistance is not possible-as long as we care about connection, the fear of disconnection will always be a powerful force in our lives, and the pain caused by shame will always be real. But here's the great news: Shame resilience is pos­ sible, teachable, and within reach for all of us. Shame resilience is the ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and to come out on the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compas­ sion, and connection than we had going into it. Ultimately, shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy­ the real antidote to shame. In the next section, we're going to do a deep dive into empathy and self-compassion, but for now it's important to understand that if we share our story with someone who responds with empa­ thy and understanding, shame can't survive. Self-compassion is also critically important, but because shame is a social concept--it happens between people-it also heals best between people. A so­ cial wound needs a social balm, and empathy is that balm. Self­ compassion is key because when we're able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we're more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy. Empathy Empathy is one of the linchpins of cultures built on connection and trust-it's also an essential ingredient for teams who take risks and show up for rumbles. There are five elements to empa-  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 137 thy, and we will explore each one. Meanwhile, empathy is easily confused with sympathy, giving advice, and judgment disguised as concern. To add empathy to our courage toolbox, it's important that we be able to translate it into specific skills that we can learn and practice, readily distinguish empathy from sympathy, and understand the big barriers to empathy. Let's start with a story. A couple of years ago, Suzanne-our president and COO-and I spent the day facilitating our daring leadership program at Fort Bragg. It was an amazing experience, and I had coordinated the logistics of the trip with military precision. The plan was to leave the base when we were done, drive 74.1 miles to the Raleigh­ Durham International Airport, return our rental car, grab lunch, and get to the gate with ninety minutes to spare. After running several scenarios and checking on-time flight histories, I was con­ fident I could make it homr that night for the big game. Ellen picked up a field hockey stick for the first time the sum­ mer before high school. With some encouragement from a coach she met at the open house for incoming freshmen and some gruel­ ing lessons in hundred-degree weather during the summer, she made the team her freshman year. Sadly, when it comes to land sports, Steve and I have zero ge­ netic gifts to pass down to our kids. We're swimmers and Steve is a water polo player, but we've got no turf speed. Ellen loved her coaches and her teammates. She worked hard, never missed games or practices, spent hours practicing her stick skills in our yard, and played with heart for all four years of high school. Suzanne and I were scheduled to land back in Houston two hours before the big game, which gave me just enough time to change clothes, load twenty surprise fat heads in my car, and get to the fields for senior night. (Fat heads are photos of players' faces blown up to three feet tall and two feet wide, on sticks, to hold up in the stands.) This was the final field hockey game of Ellen's high 138 I Dare to Lead school career, and during the halftime ceremony, parents give their senior daughters flowers and escort them across the field. Everything was going according to plan, and I could barely contain my excitement when I got a text from Ellen: "I can't wait to see you tonight. I can't believe it's senior night!!! OMG! How did time go so fast???" We were lining up to board when I texted back, "I'm so proud of you! I'll be home in a couple of hours. GO TIGERS!!!" There had been no movement in the boarding line when the gate agent made an announcement that our flight was delayed ten minutes due to mechanical difficulties. No sweat. I have built in sixty minutes of delays. Ifwe hit ninety minutes of deldys, I initi­ ate Plan B: I go straight to the game and my friend Cookie picks up thefat heads. Twenty minutes later, I see the pilot talking to the gate agents, and I grab Suzanne by the arm. It startles her and she whispers, "What's wrong? What's going on? Are you okay?" I'm trying to not make a scene so I whisper back, "They're going to cancel our flight. Get on your laptop right now and book the next flight." Here's one of the many great things about Suzanne: She can get shit done like no one's business. Street fight?You want her on your side. No questions asked, she starts working on flights, but the only way out of North Carolina is to fly to Atlanta, change airlines, and land in Houston at ten P.M. After she books it, she looks at me and says, "Why do you think they're canceling this flight?" Before I can even answer her question, the gate agent an­ nounces that the flight is canceled for mechanical reasons, and there's an immediate stampede to the desk. Suzanne and I find a free space to sit down, and we call back to our office in Houston. Within minutes, three people are working on getting us home in  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 139 time for the game.After forty-five minutes,Suzanne looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry.There's no way to get home in time for the game." "But if we drive..." She put her hand on my forearm."We've tried everything.I'm sorry." I said the one thing I tend to say and repeat when I'm desper­ ately overwhelmed: "I don't understand.I don't understand." Suzanne looked me right in the eyes."We're not getting home before ten tonight." I just started sobbing.I mean crying to the point that people were staring.It was a profound experience of empathy for me be­ cause Suzanne didn't care that I was losing it in public.And,more important, she didn't try to make the situation better. She just said,"This sucks.This is such bullshit.I'd walk back to Houston with you if it helped." "I don't understand," I said again,trailing off. "I know what a big deal this is for you. This just sucks. My heart is breaking too." "But this is a big deal," I explained as if she hadn't just con­ firmed that in every way possible. Suzanne looked at me and said,"Hell,yeah,it's a big deal.It is a super big deal.You did everything you could to be there.It's an important night." So often,when someone is in pain,we're afraid to say, "Yes, this hurts.Yes,this is a big deal.Yes,this sucks." We think our job is to make things better,so we minimize the pain. But Suzanne didn't minimize my pain. She had the courage to reflect back to me the truth of how I was feeling,which was that I was destroyed that I couldn't be there for this big night for my daughter. She chose practicing empathy with me over her own comfort. "I really do feel heartbroken." She had nailed what I was feel- 140 I Dare to Lead ing when she said her heart was breaking too. Looking back, I see that it was the big game and the special ceremony, but it was also the fact that Ellen was months away from leaving home for college and this was the first of many formal goodbyes to high school. It was layers of grief. I told Suzanne, "I know in the big scheme of things, it's not a big deal. When I see people crying at airports, I always think about what they might be going through, and I try to smile that I see you and I'm sorry smile. This is not a: funeral or an accident or something really bad. I don't know what's happening to me." Suzanne wouldn't have any of the comparative suffering. She wasn't going to minimize my hurt, and she wasn't going to watch me rank-order my misery: "No, it's not any ofthose things, but this is a big deal. This hurts." I've learned a lot from research about the danger of compara­ tive suffering and the race to misery. If we believe empathy is fi­ nite, like pizza, and practicing empathy with someone leaves fewer slices for others, then perhaps comparing levels of suffering would be necessary. Luckily, however, empathy is infinite and renewable. The more you give, the more we all have. That means all pain can be met with empathy-there's no reason to rank and ration. This experience with Suzanne was empathy in practice. In those bad moments, it's not our job to make things better. It's just not. Our job is to connect. It's to take the perspective of someone else. Empathy is not connecting to an experience, it's con­ necting to the emotions that underpin an experience. People often ask me how they can show empathy for someone who is going through something they've never experienced. Again, empathy is connecting to the feeling under the experience, not the experience itself. If you've ever felt grief, disappointment, shame, fear, loneliness, or anger, you're qualified. Now you just need the courage to practice and build your empathy skills.  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 141 Back at that airport, I was right on the verge of causing a scene with my crying, so I found a hiding spot at the Life Is Good airport shop. Oh, the irony. If you're the woman who was working there that day-thank you for seeing me and asking me if I was okay. But most of all, I'm so grateful that you let me sit on the floor and hide for thirty minutes. Your kindness mattered. From behind the round rack of colorful T-shirts, I texted Ellen to let her know that I was going to miss the game. I consid­ ered calling but chose to text because I didn't want to lose it with her on the phone before the game. Of course, her text was the stuff that love is made of: I'm sorry about your flight. TBH, I know you're freaking out. But this is one night, and you've come to 100 games and practiced with me and made me go to camps when I didn't want to and hosted parties and took my entire team to Galveston. That's what counts. Love you so much. I'll tell Dad to take lots of pictures. Steve, on the other hand, got the phone call from under the T-shirt rack. He just listened. When I swore that I was going to quit my job and never get on another flight, he said, "I don't blame you. You worked so hard on those giant heads and the flowers. You've been such a big support for Ellen. I'm just so sorry this is happening." And thank God again for Suzanne. Several times on the flights home, I'd look at my watch and burst into tears. She would just squeeze my hand and say "I know." Around 8:30 that night, I looked at her and said, "The game's over." She looked at me and said, "Did we get any pies yet?" She said we.. She didn't say, "That was hard, but mercifully it's over." 142 I Dare to Lead She asked if we had any pictures yet. She was still in it because I was still in it. It was so hard. But I never felt alone. Empathy is a choice. And it's a vulnerable choice, because if I were to choose to connect with you through empathy, I would have to connect with something in myself that knows that feel­ ing. In the face of a difficult conversation, when we see that someone's hurt or in pain, it's our instinct as human beings to try to make things better. We want to fix, we want to give advice. But empathy isn't about fixing, it's the brave choice to be with someone in their darkness-not to race to turn on the light so we feel better. If I share something with you that's difficult for me, I'd rather you say, "I don't even know what to say right now, I'm just so glad you told me." Because in truth, a response can rarely make some­ thing better. Connection is what heals. If struggle is being down in a hole, empathy is not jumping into the hole with someone who is struggling and taking on their emotions, or owning their struggle as yours to fix. If their issues become yours, now you have two people stuck in a hole. Not help­ ful. Boundaries are important here. We have to know where we end and others begin if we really want to show up with empathy. Theresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar in the UK, studied em­ pathy across every profession that requires deep connection and relationship, and she identified four attributes of empathy. These attributes fully aligned with what emerged from my data, but they did not address the idea of "paying attention" to the degree that it emerged in my work. To solve for that, I added a fifth attribute from Kristin Neff's research. Dr. Neff is a self-compassion re­ searcher at the University of Texas at Austin-we'll look at more of her work in a bit. While each of these components is rich for study-you'll find hundreds of books in any research library on every one of the  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 143 five-we're going to explore how these elements come together to create empathy, the rocket fuel for building trust and increasing connection. Empathy Skill # 1: To see the world as others see it, or perspective taking We see the world through a set of unique lenses that bring to­ gether who we are, where we come from, and our vast experi­ ences. Our lenses certainly include factors like age, race, ethnicity, ability, and spiritual beliefs, but we also have other lenses that shape how we see the world, including our knowledge, insights, and experience. Our take on the world is completely unique be­ cause our point of view is a product of our history and experi­ ences. This is why ten people can witness the same incident and have ten different perspectives on what happened, how it hap­ pened, and why it happened. Are there any observable, knowable, universal truths? Of course. Math and science have given us many examples. But when it comes to the swirl of human emotion, behavior, language, and cognition-there are many valid perspectives. One of the signature mistakes with empathy is that we believe we can take our lenses off and look through the lenses of someone else. We can't. Our lenses are soldered to who we are. What we can do, however, is honor people's perspectives as truth even when they're different from ours. That's a challenge if you were raised in majority culture-white, straight, male, middle-class, Christian-and you were likely taught that your perspective is the correct perspective and everyone else needs to adjust their lens. Or, more accurately, you weren't taught anything about perspec­ tive taking, and the default-My truth is the truth-is reinforced by every system and situation you encounter. Children are very receptive to learning perspective-taking 144 i Dare to Lead skills because they're naturally curious about the world and how others operate in it. Those of us who were taught perspective­ taking skills as children owe our parents a huge debt of gratitude. Those of us who were not introduced to that skill set when we were younger will have to work harder and fight armoring up in order to acquire it as adults. Perspective taking requires becoming the learner, not the knower. Let's say that I'm talking to a colleague on my team who is twenty-five, African American, gay, and grew up in an affluent neighborhood in Chicago. In our conversation we realize that we have completely different opinions about a new program we want to develop. As we're debating the issues, he says, "My expe­ riences lead me to believe this approach will fall flat with the people we want to reach." I can't put down my straight, white, middle-aged, female lens and just snap on his lens to see what he sees, but I can ask, "Tell me more-what are you thinking?" and respect his truth as a full truth, not just an off version of my truth. This is exactly why every study we see confirms the positive correlation between inclusivity, innovation, and performance. Again, it's only when diverse perspectives are included, re­ spected, and valued that we can start to get a full picture of the world, who we serve, what they need, and how to suc­ cessfully meet people where they are. I love what Beyonce said in her first-person essay in the Sep­ tember 2018 issue of Vogue: If people in powerful positions continue to hire and cast only people who look like them, sound like them, come from the same neighborhoods they grew up in, they will never have a greater understanding of experiences differ­ ent from their own. They will hire the same models, curate  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 145 the same art, cast the same actors over and over again, and we will all lose. The beauty of social media is it's completely democratic. Everyone has a say. Everyone's voice counts, and everyone has a chance to paint the world from their own perspective. She was photographed for the magazine cover by Tyler Mitch­ ell, making him the first African American photographer to shoot the cover of Vogue in its 126-year history. As we push on these issues and discover our own blind spots (we all have them), we need to stay very aware of the armor assem­ bly process here: We cannot practice empathy if we need to be knowers; if we can't be learners, we cannot be empathic. And, to be clear (and kind), if we need to be knowers, empathy isn't the only loss. Because curiosity is the key to rumbling with vulnerability, knowers struggle with all four of the building blocks of courage. Empathy Skill #2: To be nonjudgmental It is not easy to do this when you enjoy judging as much as most of us do. Based on research, there are two ways to predict when we are going to judge: We judge in areas where we're most susceptible to shame, and we judge people who are doing worse than we are in those areas. So if you find yourself feeling incredibly judgmen­ tal about appearance, and you can't figure out why, that's a due that it's a hard issue for you. It's important to examine where we feel judgment because it can quickly become a vicious shame cycle. The judgment of others leaves us feeling shame, so we offload the hurt by judging others. I see this happen often in organizations. Shit rolls downhill and ends up in the consumer's lap. I've yet to come across a company that has both a shaming, judgmental culture and wonderful cus­ tomer service. 146 I Dare to Lead Staying out of judgment means being aware of where we are the most vulnerable to our own shame, our own struggle. The good news is that we don't judge in areas where we feel a strong sense of self-worth and grounded confidence, so the more of that we build, the more we let go of judgment. Empathy Skill #3: To understand another person's feelings Empathy Skill #4: To communicate your understanding of that person's feelings I'm combining these two attributes because, when we break them down to skills, they're inextricably connected. Understanding emotions in others and communicating our understanding of these emotions require us to be in touch with our own feelings. Ideally, it also means that we are fluent in the language of feelings, or, at the very least, conversational and somewhat comfortable in the world of emotions. The vast majority of people I've inter­ viewed are not comfortable in the world of emotions and nowhere close to fluent in the language of feelings. Emotional literacy, in my opinion, is as critical as having lan­ guage. When we can't name and articulate what's happening to us emotionally, we cannot move through it. Imagine going to the doctor with an excruciating pain in your right shoulder, a pain so great that every time you feel it you're left breathless and doubled over. But when you arrive at the doctor's office, you have duct tape over your mouth and your hands are tied behind your back. The doctor is anxious to help you, but when she asks you what happened, you can only manage "Mmph. Mmph" through your tape. You're desperate to explain, but you're unable to speak, so you can't name it, you can't articulate it, you can't describe it. The doctor asks you to point to it, but your hands are tied, and all you can do is jump up and down with your eyes darting to the right. You mumble and jump until both you and the doctor are ex-  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 147 hausted and give up.This is exactly what happens when we aren't fluent in feelings. It's almost impossible to process emotion when we can't identify, name, and talk about our experiences.· And if that's not enough of a reason to dig in and start learn­ ing, emotional literacy is also a prerequisite for empathy, shame resilience, and the ability to reset and rise after a fall. For exam­ ple, how do we get back on our feet after a fall if we can't.recognize the subtle but important differences between disappointment and anger, between shame and guilt, between fear and grief? And if we can't recognize these emotions in ourselves, it's almost impos­ sible to do so with others. We're finishing a study right now on emotional literacy, and I'll give you the movie trailer. Cue the music and pretend this is the dramatic announcer voice: In a world of emotional literacy, we would be able to recognize and name between thirty and forty emotions in ourselves and others. I'm hedging on the num­ ber because we're in the final stages of confirming the exact emo­ tions, but it's safe to say that fluency in emotional conversation means being able to name at least thirty of them. The last attribute, communicating our understanding of the emotions, can feel like the biggest risk because we can get it wrong. And not if but when we are off base, we need the courage to circle back.In fact, as long as we show up with our whole hearts, pay attention, and stay curious, we can course-correct. This is why therapists are frequently stereotyped as saying "What I hear you saying is..." It's a check-in that allows someone to say, "Nope. That's not what I'm saying.I'm not sad. I'm pissed off." For example, in non-therapisty language, you could say: "I'm sorry about the project assignment. That sucks and must be so frustrating. Want to talk about it?" This question tells your col­ league that you're willing to "go there" and rumble· openly about what they're feeling. 148 I Dare to Lead Because you were willing to put emotion on the table, it gives them the opportunity to come back and say, "I don't know about frustrated. I think I'm actually really embarrassed and disap­ pointed. I mean, everyone talked about me being the perfect per­ son for it. I never imagined not getting it. Now I have to explain why I didn't get it and I don't even understand." This exchange alone builds the connection and alignment that we need to have a meaningful, trust-building, and even healing conversation. NAVIGATING THE ICEBERG One reason emotion is difficult to identify and name is the iceberg effect. Think about an iceberg for a minute. There's the part that you can see above the water, and then it potentially goes on for miles beneath the surface. Many of the emotions that we experi­ ence show up as pissed off or shut down on the surface. Below the surface, there's much more nuance and depth. Shame and grief are two examples of emotions that are hard to fully express, so we turn to anger or silence. This is an easy concept to understand, for one reason: The vast majority of us find it easier to be mad than hurt. Not only is it easier to express anger than it is to express pain, our culture is more accepting of anger. So the next time you're shutting down or angry, ask yourself what lies beneath. To review, empathy is first: I take the perspective of another person, meaning I become the listener and the student, not the knower. Second: I stay out of judgment. And third and fourth: I try to understand what emotion they're articulating and commu·­ nicate my understanding of that emotion. Empathy Skill #5: Mindfulness I borrowed the fifth element, mindfulness, from Kristin Neff. Neff describes mindfulness as "taking a balanced approach to negative  Rumbling with Vulnerability 1 149 emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exagger­ ated....We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time....Mindfulness requires that we not be 'over­ identified' with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity." The word mindfulness can get on my nerves sometimes, so I opt for paying attention. Neff's findings on mindfulness, espe­ cially the piece on not overidentifying with or exaggerating our feelings, are completely aligned with what we found in our work. Ruminating and getting stuck is as unhelpful as not noticing at all.In short, I try to practice mindfulness by paying attention to what's happening in these conversations, to the feelings they're bringing up in me, to my body language, and to the body language of the person I'm talking to.Minimizing and exaggerating emo­ tions lead to empathic misses in equal measure. WHAT EMPATHY LOOKS LIKE Whenever I'm teaching empathy, people want more certainty. Early in my teaching career, a social work student asked if I could develop an empathy decision tree: If they say this, I respond with this. Ifthey take that turn, I turn with them and say that. No such luck. Empathy is about connection, and being connected is the best navigation system.If we make a wrong turn in our attempt to be with someone in their struggle, connection is not only forgiv­ ing, it's quick to reroute. The empathy decision tree doesn't work because we're all dif­ ferent. For example, if you're sharing something difficult with someone, do you want that person to: Make eye contact? Look away? Reach out and hug you? 150 I Dare to Lead Give you space? Respond right away? Stay quiet and listen? If you ask a hundred people these questions, you'll get a hun­ dred different answers. The only solution is to connect and pay attention. After I looked at Suzanne in the airport and said "I don't un­ derstand," and she made it clear that I was going to miss Ellen's game, she pulled back a bit but stayed right with me. Coming in for a hug would have been a bad idea. I wouldn't have actually punched her or put her in a headlock, but I would have wanted to. She was locked in, engaged, and could read me well enough to know that she should look me straight in the eye, tell me that I wasn't going to make Ellen's game, and then lean back and give me some space. Suzanne and I were connected after spending the day to­ gether at Fort Bragg, but this also works if you're practicing empa­ thy with someone you don't know that well. Engage, stay curious, stay connected. Let go of the fear of saying the wrong thing, the need to fix it, and the desire to offer the perfect response that cures everything (that's not going to happen). You don't have to do it perfectly. Just do it. I had the great pleasure of working with leaders at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation a couple of years ago and getting to know Melinda, who is a champion of courage-building across the foundation and is doing tremendous work modeling how empathy and vulnerability work together to create a more connected culture. A little history on Melinda: After joining Microsoft in 1987, Melinda distinguished herself as a leader in the development of multimedia products and was later appointed Microsoft's general  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 151 manager of information products. In 1996, Melinda left Microsoft to focus on her philanthropic work and family. Today, along with Bill, she shapes and approves the founda­ tion's strategies, reviews results, and sets the overall direction of the organization. Together, they meet with grantees and partners to further the foundation's goal of improving equity in the United States and around the world. Melinda has seen firsthand that em­ powering women and girls can bring transformational improve­ ments in the health and prosperity of families, communities, and societies. Her current work focuses on gender equity as a path to meaningful change. On her experiences with vulnerability, Melinda writes: I started experimenting with vulnerability, and honestly I have been shocked at the response. Bill and I meet with all foundation employees several times a year, and these meetings are important opportunities for us to build a con­ nection with our team. Recently, I admitted during one of these sessions that Bill and I keep a list of dos and don'ts for ourselves-basically the things we need to work on to make sure we're setting the right example. So many people came up to me later and said knowing I am clear about my need to improve helped them feel OK about the things they could do better. I also started talking a little bit more about my children in these meetings. I'd always shied away from the subject, just because it felt so personal. But it's turned out to reso­ nate with a lot of employees who are also trying to balance work and home life-and who are also living their values every day at the foundation and through their parenting. I feel more connected to the individuals and the collective 152 : Dare to Lead culture of the foundation because I've taken steps to let my­ self be vulnerable. EMPATHY IN PRACTICE When we're struggling and in need of connection and empathy, we need to share with someone who embraces us for our strengths and struggles-someone who has earned the right to hear our story. Finding that right someone takes practice. And so does being that right person. When it comes to empathy, it's a matter of the right person, at the right time, on the right issues. There are six known barriers to empathy, where the practice can go sideways or you can experience an empathic miss. Every­ one knows what that feels like-when you share something with someone that is personal and vulnerable, like a struggle-or even something exciting or happy-and you don't feel heard, seen, or understood. It's a sinking feeling, where you feel exposed and sometimes right on the edge of shame. The clinical term for that is empathic failure, though I prefer empathic miss, because it's not quite as shaming. Let's look at the six big ways we tend to miss, so that we can recognize them when we experience them, and be better when we have the opportunity to connect with people in struggle. Empathy Miss # 1: Sympathy vs. Empathy Want to know what would have made me feel alone and worse at the airport? Sympathy. If Suzanne had said, "I'm so sorry. You poor thing." Or "I can't imagine how hard this must be for you." She didn't feel badfor me. She felt pain with me. Empathy is feeling with people. Sympathy is feeling for them. Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection. I al­ ways think of empathy as this sacred space where someone's in a  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 153 deep well, and they shout out from the bottom, "It's dark and scary down here. I'm overwhelmed." We peer over the edge and say "I see you," then we climb down with the confidence that we can get back out. "I know what it's like down here. And you're not alone." Of course, you don't climb down without your own way out. Jumping into the hole with no way out is enmeshment-jumping into struggle with someone while maintaining clear lines about what belongs to whom is empathy. Sympathy, on the other hand, is looking over the edge of that hole and saying: "Oh, it's bad, that looks terrible. So sorry." And you keep walking. There's a fun animated short on the difference between empathy and sympathy that the Royal Society for the Encouragement of Arts, Manufactures and Commerce developed from a short snippet of a lecture I gave in London on empathy. It's illustrated and animated by the talented Katy Davis. You can watch it at brenebrown.com/videos/. The two most powerful words when someone's in struggle are "Me too." So powerful, in fact, that Tarana Burke started one of the most important movements of our time, the Me Too movement, with these two words, backing them up with action. The move­ ment addresses the widespread prevalence of sexual harassment and assault, especially in the workplace, and is a great example of how empathy builds courage and can facilitate deep change. "Me too" says I may not have had the exact same experience as you, but I know this struggle, and you are not alone. Sympathy says Wow, that's bad, Ifeel so sorryfor you. I don't know or understand what your experience is like, but I'll grant you that it looks pretty bad and I don't want to know. Again, the difference between empathy and sympathy: feeling with and feelingfor. The empathic response: I get it, Ifeel with you, and I've been there. The sympathetic response: Ifeel sorryfor you. 154 I Dare to Lead If you want to see a shame cyclone turn extra deadly, throw one of these at it: "Oh, you poor thing." It's the equivalent of the Southern saying "Aww, bless your poor heart." When someone feels sorry for us, it magnifies our feelings of being alone.When someone feels with us, it magnifies our feeling of connection and normalcy. Empathy Miss #2: The Gasp and Awe In this scenario, your colleague hears your story and feels shame on your behalf-they might gasp, and then they will likely confirm how horrified you should be. They're appalled. They're upset. There's awkward silence, and then you have to make your col­ league feel better. Here's an example: "I finally turned in that re­ port yesterday and I was so excited.I felt so good about it and then my principal called me and told me the last two pages of it were missing.I forgot to attach them." You're hoping your co-worker is going to say, "Oh, man, I've done that.It just sucks." But instead, this person gasps and says, "Oh, God, I'd just die." And then you're rushing in to say, "No, it's okay." Suddenly, you need to make that person feel better. Empathy Miss #3: The Mighty Fall In this scenario, your friend needs to think of you as a pillar of worthiness and authenticity.This person can't help you because they're so let down by your imperfections.They're disappointed. This is the person you confide in and say, "My performance evalu­ ation did not go how I thought it was going to go and it kind of...I don't know if I'm in a shame storm, or...I'm just almost numb right now. I cannot believe that my rating was so low this quarter." This person's response is: "I just never expected that from you.When I think of you I don't think of you as the kind of person that gets that rating, I mean what happened?" Then all of a sud-  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 155 den, you're not experiencing connection in an empathic way. You're defending yourself to someone because they're disap­ pointed. (Hint: This happens frequently in childhood and is a huge driver of perfectionism.) Empathy Miss #4: The Block and Tackle Let's bring that performance review to this scenario, where your friend is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that he or she scolds you: "How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?" Or the friend looks for someone else to blame. "Who is that guy? We'll kick his ass. Or report him!" That's a huge empathic miss. I came to you because I'm in struggle about something, and you're making it easy on yourself by refusing to sit in discomfort-you're choosing instead to be pissed off at someone else or stand in judg­ ment of me. It's not helpful. Empathy Miss #5: The Boots and Shovel This is a co-worker who desperately needs to make it better so that they can get out of their own discomfort. This person refuses to acknowledge that you can actually make mistakes or bad choices. This is the person who says, "You know, it's not that bad. It cannot be that bad. You know you're awesome. You're amazing." He's hustling to· make you feel better, not hearing anything you feel, and not connecting to any emotion that you're describing. It is pretty disconcerting and reeks of bullshit. Empathy Miss #6: If You Think That's Bad... This person confuses connection with the opportunity to one-up. "That's nothing. Let me tell you about my performance evaluation in 1994, fourth quarter." Here's what gets dicey with comparing or competing. The most important words you can say to someone or you can hear from someone when you're in struggle are "Me too. You're not alone." That is different from "Oh, yeah? Me too. 156 I Dare to Lead Listen to this." The primary distinction is that the latter response shifts the focus to the other person.  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 161 I see you. You're not alone. I've been in a similar place and it's really hard. I think a lot of us experience that. Either we're all normal or we're all weird. Either way, it's not just you. I understand what that's like. EMPATHY AND SHAME RESILIENCE Now that we're building some understanding and skills around em­ pathy, let's examine the four elements of shame resilience. When we're in shame and we can share.our story with someone who re­ sponds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive. 1. Recognizing Shame and Understanding Its Triggers Can you physically recognize when you're in the grip of shame, feel your way through it, and figure out what messages and expectations triggered it? Research participants with the highest levels of shame resilience can recognize the physical symptoms of shame-they know the physiology of it, and that's a huge cue to pay attention. My saying is, "When in shame, I don't talk, text, or type-I'm not fit for human consumption" until I get back on my emotional feet. When we have understanding and awareness around shame, we're less likely to default to our shame shields, or what Linda Hartling and her fellow researchers at the Stone Center at Welles­ ley call strategies of disconnection: Moving away: Withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping secrets. Moving toward: Seeking to appease and please. Moving against: Trying to gain power over others by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame. Like all armor, these are appealing forms of self-protection, but they move us away from our authenticity and wholeheartedness. 162 i Dare to Lead 2. Practicing Critical Awareness Shame works like the zoom lens on a camera. When we are feeling shame, the camera is zoomed in tight, and all we see is our flawed self, alone and struggling. We think, ''I'm the only one. Something is wrong with me. I am alone." When we zoom out, we start to see a different picture. We see many people in the same struggle. Rather than thinking "I'm the only one," we start thinking "I can't believe it! You too? I'm nor­ mal? I thought it was just me!" Once we start to see the big pic­ ture, we are better able to reality-check our shame triggers and the social expectations that fuel shame. 3. Reaching Out One of the most important benefits of reaching out to others is learning that the experiences that make us feel the most alone are actually universal. Regardless of who we are, how we were raised, or what we believe, all of us fight hidden, silent battles against not being good enough and not belonging enough. When we find the courage to share our experiences and the compassion to hear oth­ ers tell their stories, we force shame out of hiding and end the si­ lence. When we don't reach out, we often end up in fear, blame, and disconnection. 4. Speaking Shame Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That's why it loves perfectionists-it's so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak it, we've ba­ sically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Language and story bring light to shame and destroy it. When we don't talk about how we feel and ask for what we need, we often shut down, act out, or do both.  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 163 Learning to speak shame also allows you to pick up on some of the subtle and even gaslighting language of shame. This is lan­ guage that is used to shame and to defend shaming when we're trying to explain how we feel and what we need. I'm now very cau­ tious when I hear things like: You're so sensitive. I didn't realize you were so fragile. I didn't realize that was such an issue for you. You're so defensive. I guess I'll have to watch what I say around you. It's all in your head. You seem really hostile. And I've totally banned words like loser, lame, and weak. I'm also not a fan of anything that's brutal, including honesty. Honesty is the best policy, but honesty that's motivated by shame, anger, fear, or hurt is not "honesty." It's shame, anger, fear, or hurt disguised as honesty. Just because something is accurate or factual doesn't mean it can't be used in a destructive manner: "Sorry. I'm just telling you the truth. These are just the facts." The big takeaway from this section is that empathy is at the heart of connection-it is the circuit board for leaning into the feelings of others, reflecting back a shared experience of the world, and reminding them that they are not alone. To be able to stand in discomfort with people who are processing shame, or hurt, or dis­ appointment, or hardship, and to be able to say to them "I see you, and I can hold space for this" is the epitome of courage. The best part is that empathy is not hardwired into our genetic code: We can learn it. And we need to, because as the poet June Jordan wrote, "We are the ones we have been waiting for."  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 179 PRACTICING VULNERABILITY There's an old saying that I lead by now: "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." I've learned one way to help people understand how much you care is to share your story. Practicing vulnerability has given me the courage to share my personal story, of grow­ ing up in situational poverty and a broken home, with my staff. When they hear about my journey to overcome huge obstacles, they better understand my commitment to build­ ing a supportive school environment. As a leader, I no longer check my personal life at the door. In fact, sharing stories and leading through the lens of multiple perspectives and experiences has made me more approachable and relatable to my students, staff, and community. By sharing my story and my why for leading, I helped my staff understand my purpose, passion, and com­ mitment to courage. It also gave others permission to prac­ tice vulnerability and to be brave in sharing and owning their life journey. BECOMING SELF-AWARE When I lack self-awareness as a leader and when I'm not connected with the intentions driving my thoughts; feel­ ings, and actions, I limit the perspective and insights that I can share with the people I lead. Today, through journal­ ing and seeking feedback from others, I have been able to 180 i Dare to Lead grow and refine my leadership skills in a way that is more responsive to the needs of my staff, students, and commu­ nity. Spending time in quiet reflection has become part of my weekly practice. ENGAGING IN TOUGH CONVERSATIONS Doing this work made me realize that there is no way to address the academic disparities between the different stu­ dent groups without leaning into tough conversations on an ongoing basis. I knew there was a critical and urgent need to move past the "This is the way we have always done it" attitude held by many people on our campus. To make this happen, I would have to lead these potentially emotionally charged discussions and I would need support. Ifnot me, then who? If not now, then when? My strategy was to be intentional about building enough trust and connection to talk about equity issues, and to commit to helping those who are normally silenced acquire the skills and grounded confidence to participate in these tough conversations. I invested in building high­ performing, connected teams by using strengths-based and work-personality assessments, and I developed struc­ tured protocols for hard conversations, including progress checks. I'm committed to tackling problems that threaten our mission, vision, and values, and I challenge others to call out the culture killers in our organization. We celebrate what works, and we change things that don't add value to the organization. I changed the narrative of our school by growing power with people through distributive and collaborative leader-  Rumbling with Vulnerability I 181 ship, and by empowering others to lead. Ultimately, being true to who I am as a person, respecting my journey, and owning my story have given me the opportunity to lead in a deeper, more meaningful way. l 've seen the word trust turn an openhearted person into a Transformer in a matter of seconds. Just the slightest inkling that someone is questioning our trustworthiness is enough to set total vulnerability lock­ down in motion. You can almost see it happening: Shields engaged? Check. Armor up? Check. Heart closed? Check. Defenses activated? Check. Once we're in lockdown, we can't really hear or process any­ thing that's being said because we've been hijacked by the limbic system and we're in emotional survival mode. We all want to be­ lieve that we are trustworthy, even though, ironically, many of us struggle to trust others. Most people believe they're completely trustworthy, yet they trust only a handful of their colleagues. The math just doesn't work, because believing we're trustworthy and being perceived as trustworthy by others are two different things. Charles Feltman's definitions of trust and distrust are com- 12211 222 I Dare to Lead pletely aligned with how our research participants talked about trust. In The Thin Book of Trust, Feltman defines trust as "choos­ ing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person's actions." He describes distrust as deciding that "what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or any situation)." Just reading those definitions helps us understand why we c'an go full-on Transformer when we talk about trust. How terri­ ble would it be to hear someone say, "Brem , what is important to me is not safe with you in this situation, or really in any situation." It would be awful because, true or not, it threatens how I see my­ self on one of the most important dimensions of a social species. No trust, no connection. Because talking about trust is tough, and because these con­ versations have the potential to go sideways fast, we often avoid the rumble. And that's even more dangerous. First, when we're struggling with trust and don't have the tools or skills to talk about it directly with the person involved, it leads us to talk about people instead of to them. It also leads to lots of energy-wasting zigzagging. Both are major values violations in our organization, and I bet they conflict with most of our personal values too. Second, trust is the glue that holds teams and organizations together. We ignore trust issues at the expense of our own perfor­ mance, and the expense of our team's and organization's success. And there's plenty of research to back up that statement. In a Harvard Business Review article by Stephen M. R. Covey and Doug R. Conant-two leaders who have shaped how I try to show up in my own leadership-they described how "Inspiring Trust" was Doug's number one mission in his remarkable ten-year turnaround of Campbell Soup Company. They quote information from the annual list of the "100 Best Companies to Work For,"  Braving Trust I 223 where Fortune's research showed that "trust between managers and. employees is the primary defining characteristic of the very best workplaces," and that companies with high levels of trust "beat the average annualized returns of the S&P 500 by a factor of three." My favorite part of this article is this quote: While few leaders would argue against the idea that trust is necessary for building elite performance, not nearly enougp. realize the height of its importance, and far too many disre­ gard trust-building as a "soft" or "secondary" competency. But in our joint experience, we've learned that trust is the one thing that changes everything. It's not a nice-to-have; it's a must-have. Without it, every part of your organiza­ tion can fall, literally, into disrepair. With trust, all things are possible-most importantly: continuous improvement and sustainable, measurable, tangible results in the mar­ ketplace. Trust Talk We Can Actually Hear So, if trust is a "must-have" and many leaders experience the trust conversation as a "must-avoid," what's the solve? Get specific. Rather than rumbling generally about trustwor­ thiness and using the word trust, we need to point to specific be­ haviors. We need to be able to identify exactly where the breach lies and then speak to it. The more exact we can be, the more likely it is that people can hear us, that we can give feedback on behav­ ior and stay away from character, and that we can support real change. Let's imagine that my boss, Javier, pulls me into his office and 224 ! Dare to Lead says: "I know you're really disappointed that you didn't get that promotion. There are some trust issues that are getting in the way of putting you in a more senior position." A statement like that has the real potential to spike fear, de­ fensiveness, and probably shame in me. It would more than likely blow to bits any container we've built. How and why am I only hearing about what feels like a character issue after I lost the promotion? I use this as an example because it happens every day. We're so afraid to talk about trustthat our team members don't even know it's an issue until there are irreversible conse­ quences. It's totally demoralizing. In our trust research, we started with a very interesting ques­ tion that we wanted to answer: What are we really talking about when we talk about trust? What if we could determine the anat­ omy of this big triggering word-the elements that define it-so that when Javier calls me i:o to tell me about why I'm not getting the promotion, he could give me some actionable strategies for changing what's problematic? And, better yet, he could call me in before the decision and say, "Here are some specific behaviors that need to change if you want to be considered for this senior position. Let's make a plan." To get specific, our team dug into trust and identified seven behaviors that make up the anatomy of trust. Thankful again for that operationalizinator. I came up with an acronym­ BRAVING-for the behaviors that define trust. I think it's a good name for the inventory because it reminds us that trust is a vul­ nerable and courageous process. The BRAVING Inventory There's a saying from the Asaro tribe in Papua New Guinea that I love: "Knowledge is only rumor until it lives in the bones." The  Braving Trust I 225 only way I know to get knowledge into our bones is to practice it, screw it up, learn more, repeat. The BRAVING Inventory is first and foremost a rumble tool-a conversation guide to use with col­ leagues that walks us through the conversation from a place of curiosity, learning, and ultimately trust-building. We're in the process of developing a trust assessment for teams and an instru­ ment that allows you to measure your individual level of trustwor­ thiness based on the seven behaviors. You can visit the Dare to Lead hub at brenebrown.com for more information. We use the inventory with our colleagues in a similar way to how we talk about values. Each person fills out the BRAVING In­ ventory independently, then meets one-on-one to discuss where experiences align and where they differ. It's a relational process that, when practiced well and within a safe container, transforms relationships. Let's look at the seven elements. Some are very straightfor­ ward and some require unpacking, which I'll do after the list. Boundaries: You respect my boundaries, and when you're not clear about what's okay and not okay, you ask. You're willing to say no. Reliability: You do what you say you'll do. At work, this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don't overpromise and are able to deliver on commit­ ments and balance competing priorities. Accountability: You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends. Vault: You don't share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you're not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential. Integrity: You choose courage over comfort. You choose 226 I · Dare to Lead what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply profess­ ing them. Nonjudgment: I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment. We can ask each other for help without judgment. Generosity: You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others. Unpacking vault: The subtleties of confidentiality have been one of my biggest learnings. Let's go back to the trust conversation with Javier, who has turned me down for the promotion. Instead of saying "There are some trust issues," he says "There are some vault, or confidentiality, issues." I'm shocked. I look at Javier and say, "We share a lot of propri­ etary stuff in here, and I have never once shared a single thing outside this office that you have shared with me." He nods and responds: "I believe that, but you frequently come into this office and share things with me that are not yours to share." People forget about that side of confidentiality. How many of you have had that experience where someone doesn't betray your confidence but constantly tells you things they shouldn't? When they walk out of your office, do you trust them less? Even though I have no proof that they've broken a confidence with me, I am skeptical of their ability to hold information that does not belong to them without feeling compelled to share it. When it comes to secrets, it's easy to understand our impul­ sivity-a lot of us have bought in to the myth that gossiping or secret sharing hotwires connection. But it doesn't. When I walk into a co-worker's office and spill, there might be a moment of  Braving Trust I 227 connection, but it's counterfeit connection. The second I walk out, that colleague is likely thinking, "I should be careful about what I tell Brene; she's got no boundaries." Unpacking integrity: The word integrity may be overused, wa­ tered down, and written on way too many inspirational eagle posters from the '90s, but that doesn't make the concept any less important. When I was doing the research for Rising Strong, I looked all over for a definition of integrity that reflected what we were seeing in the data. Nothing captured all three of the proper­ ties that were emerging from the data, so I developed this defini­ tion: Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; it's choosing what's right over what's fun, fast, or easy; and it's practicing your values, not just professing them. In today's culture of fun, fast, and easy, that's the biggest stumbling block to integrity. It is easy to justify shortcuts based on expediency or cost. But integrity does not work that way. I can safely say that I've never done any thing meaningful in my life that wasn't hard and that did not take time. Integrity is a big one-the perception of a lack of it, or even of a tendency to cut corners, cre­ ates instant wariness. One of the best tools for putting these new skills and tools into practice is finding an integrity partner-someone at work who we can check in with to make sure we're acting in our integ­ rity. This should be someone we can talk to when we're question­ ing how we showed up in a recent exchange or if we want to role-play a hard conversation. I have two integrity partners at work and we role-play, circle back, and practice together on a daily basis. Building courage with a partner or in a team is more powerful than doing it alone... 228 I Dare to Lead. Unpacking nonjudgment: This element is a tough one. The de­ sire to judge is strong in most of us. What's interesting is that from a research perspective, we can quantify it: There are two variables that predict when we judge and whom we judge. Typi­ cally, we pick someone doing worse than we're doing in an area where we're the most susceptible to shame: Look at him. I may suck, but he sucks worse. This is also why parenting is a judgment minefield. In our parenting, we're all screwing up, all the time­ it's such a relief to catch someone in worse struggle, even if it's just for five minutes. Going back to that filter of susceptibility to shame-when it comes to work, we're afraid of being judged for a lack of knowl­ edge or lack of understanding. We hate asking for help. But that's where it gets wild. We asked a thousand leaders to list marble­ earning behaviors-what do your team members do that earns your trust? The most common answer: asking for help. When it comes to people who do not habitually ask for help, the leaders we polled explained that they would not delegate important work to them because the leaders did.not trust that they would raise their hands and ask for help. Mind. Blown. When we refuse to ask for help, we will find that we keep get­ ting the same projects that leaders know we can do. We will not be given anything that might stretch our capacity or skill set be­ cause they don't believe we will ask for help if we find ourselves in over our heads. Within my own team, I see this play out all the time: To the team members I trust the most, I will hand over im­ portant projects simply because I know that if they're stuck, if they don't understand, if it's too much work or it doesn't make sense, they will come back to me-that makes me feel safe in del­ egation. Not only will things not get too far down the wrong path,  Braving Trust I 229 but the team member who is acknowledging a need for assistance also leaves space for me to come in and help guide. It has nothing to do with intelligence or competency or raw talent; it has every­ thing to do with a relationship of trust. When you are operating in a space of nonjudgment-I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need-then we can talk about how we feel without fear of judgment. When I start to feel that smugness of judgment welling up, I immediately think, "What's the insecurity, Brene?" Asking for help is a power move. It's a sign of strength to ask and a sign of strength to fight off judgment when other people raise their hands. It reflects a self-awareness that is an essential element in braving trust. An example of generosity: In the previous part we talked about Living BIG and why generosity requires boundaries: What boundaries need to be in place for me to be in my integ­ rity and generous with my assumptions about the intentions, words, and actions of others? To add some color to this concept, I want to share a story from Dara Schmidt, the director of the Cedar Rapids Library. Dara writes: Daring Leadership has changed the way I work with my team. It's made me a better listener and given me the tools to be brave enough to deal with the stuff that's always eas­ ier to avoid. Choosing what's right over what's easy has be­ come my mantra. All of the work leads back to self-awareness and per­ sonal accountability. Knowing who I am and what I'm about makes me brave enough to do "what's right," includ- 230 I Dare to Lead ing confronting unproductive patterns that I developed in response to long-term institutional issues. In the end, it was embracing personal accountability that gave me the courage to change. My biggest problem as a leader was that sometimes peo­ ple made me crazy. It was as if they were purposefully ignor­ ing me. So I'd respond by getting bigger and louder so I could make myself heard. When I learned what it means to assume positive intent and set boundaries, everything changed. I had to accept the fact that when I assumed negativity, it was my fault, not theirs. When I examined the times I as­ sumed negative intent, I could see those were times where either I or my organization failed to provide appropriate boundaries or guidelines. I learned to recognize "making me crazy" or "feeling frustrated" as huge red flags for my own behaviors. Now when I start to go negative, I stop. I breathe and think and stay in my integrity. When I'm ready to respond rather than react emotionally, I first ask myself if I'm the problem. When I provide clear expectations and set boundaries, people perform admirably. It's not difficult to assume posi­ tive intent when I do my part to set people up for success. I'm a better leader and a better person for it. PUTTING THE BRAVING INVENTORY INTO PRACTICE Let's start with a real example from a leader who uses the inven­ tory with his team: I recently sat down with my direct report to go through the BRAVING Inventory and talk about the strengths and areas for growth in our working relationship. When we got to R-  Braving Trust I 231 reliability-an issue surfaced about how I was often late to our meetings or needed to postpone them due to meetings with our executive team running late or being called at the last minute. It made my teammate think that I didn't prior­ itize our time together. We came up with a plan together to address this issue by building in more time between meet­ ings so I can be on time, and by getting clearer in our com­ munication about how we address meeting changes when my schedule shifts. We left feeling committed to a new way of working together that has led to deeper trust. I'm not sure this issue would have surfaced if we didn't have the BRAVING Inventory to walk us through the issues and didn't make the time to engage in the process. Without a tool and an investment of time, things fester and go bad in teams before you know it. We also encourage teams to work together to develop one or two observable behaviors for each of the seven elements. These behaviors can be specific to your work style and your culture. They should reflect how your team wants to operationalize the specific element, and each behavior should be something that you're willing to do, be held accountable for doing, and hold oth­ ers accountable for doing. We tell teams that they can each fill out the BRAVING Inven­ tory worksheet (available online) individually, then share their answers as you build the team expectation worksheet, or the team can jump straight to building the team worksheet. Both ways work. This is a great example of building trust at the same time you're operationalizing it. Also-returning to the marble jar story and the research find­ ing that trust is earned in small moments-getting specific with the seven elements of BRAVING helps us identify how and what 232 I Dare to Lead small trust-building moments ladder up to the different elements of trust. There's a terrible pattern in organizations in which leaders turn to their teams, or their investors, or their board, and say "You need to trust me." Typically, that happens in a moment of crisis, when it is far too late. Trust is the stacking of small mo­ ments over time, something that cannot be summoned with a command-there are either marbles in the jar or there are not. We don't earn trust by demanding it with "Trust me!" We earn it when we say "How is your mom's chemotherapy going?" or "I've been thinking a lot about what you asked, and I want to dig in deeper and figure this out with you." Even when you've put in the legwork to build a sturdy foundation of trust, and you've checked in with your folks using BRAVING, trust is a living pro­ cess that requires ongoing attention. And if you haven't made the investment and there's nothing substantial there, there's no way to duct-tape it together. You cannot establish trust in two days when you find yourself in an organizational crisis; it's either al­ ready there or it's not. I love what Melinda Gates shares about the marble jar and the BRAVING process: After you taught me your metaphor about marbles in a jar, I adopted it as my entire framework for thinking about trust. Every small gesture I make in support of a colleague puts one marble in the jar. But any time I undercut a colleague­ any time I betray trust-a huge handful of marbles goes out of the jar. Thinking in this way makes me more aware of the seemingly small things that lead to building trust, and also the small things that might break trust. The seven elements of BRAVING have helped me think more clearly about what those small things are.  Braving Trust I 233 For example, I focus on integrity, on matching actions to words. The foundation is a values-driven organization. If I am behaving in ways that are consistent with what we say we're all about-if I treat people equally, if I welcome open dialogue-then I am putting marbles in the jar. But if I act counter to those values-if I resist innovative approaches because I'm worried about the risk, for example-I take a lot of marbles out. I also concentrate on accountability. As the leader of the organization, there aren't as many struc­ tures to hold me accountable. I don't have regular meetings with my boss. So I have to be very careful about being my own boss, about asking myself how I'm doing and owning up to what I'm doing wrong. Again, the intention behind the BRAVING Inventory is a tool for creating the tinie, space, and intention to talk about trust in a way that's productive and actionable. It's a rumble tool, a guide, and a touchstone. The Basics ofSelf-Trust While trust is inherently relational and most pronounced in prac­ tice with other people, the foundation of trust with others is really based on our ability to trust ourselves. Unfortunately, self-trust is one of the first casualties when we fail or experience disappoint­ ment or setbacks. Whether it's conscious or not, when we're won­ dering how we ended up facedown in the arena, we often reach for the blanket statement "I don't trust myself anymore." We assume that we must have made a bad decision and therefore it is a fallacy to count on ourselves to deliver. Think about a time where you experienced a setback or a dis­ appointment-a small thing, not a big glaring failure where there 234 I Dare to Lead might be extra baggage to unpack. Instead, focus on a time where you hit a bump, and that stumbling block made you call into ques­ tion your ability to depend on yourself to follow through on what you know is important. We all have those moments. As you hold that memory in your mind, go back through BRAVING quickly and recontextualize the elements for self-trust. Boundaries: Did I respect my own boundaries in the situa­ tion? Was I clear with myself and then others about what's okay and what's not okay? Reliability: Could I count on myself? Or was my self-talk: "Brene, you know, you set these intentions at seven A.M. when you wake up. I need the exhausted four P.M. Brene to follow through on all that stuff with the same passion that you had when you popped up in the morning." Accountability: Did I hold myself accountable or did I blame others? And did I hold others accountable when I should have? Vault: Did I honor the vault, and did I share, or not share, ap­ propriately? Did I stop other people who were sharing inappropri­ ately? Integrity: Did I choose courage over comfort? Did I practice my values? Did I do what I thought was right, or did I opt for fast and easy? Nonjudgment: Did I ask for help when I needed it? Was I judgmental about needing help? Did I practice nonjudgment with myself? Generosity: Was I generous toward myself? Did I have self­ compassion? Did I talk to myself with kindness and respect and like someone I love? When I screwed up, did I turn to myself and say "You gave it the best shot you could. You did what you could do with the data you had at that time. Le.t's clean it up, it's going to be okay," or did I skip the self-love and go straight into berating my­ self?  Braving Trust I 235 You are in control of your relationship with self-trust, and you can hold yourself accountable where you might be falling short. This isn't always possible when you are working through BRAV­ ING in relationship with someone else, where the absence of trust might be muddied by ambiguity of intention. When you're on the mat with yourself, it's much easier to put a spotlight on where you need to work. As you begin to address those areas that need improvement, remember one of the founding concepts of this part: Trust is built in small moments. If you struggle with reliability, make small and doable promises to yourself that are easy to fulfill, until you get a flywheel of reliability going again. If you struggle with boundar­ ies, set small ones with your partner-like you will not be respon­ sible for both cooking and cleaning up dinner-until you are adept at putting boundaries into action in a more meaningful way. That's how you fill your own marble jar. And never forget-we can't give people what we don't have. I'll close this part with a story from Brent Ladd, who is the director of education at Purdue University for a National Science Foundation project. It's a powerful story that lives at the intersec­ tion of braving trust with others and with ourselves. Brent writes: I work at a large research university as a professional staff member. I often feel I'm in "no-man's-land" as my efforts overlap with many categories of people from researchers to instructors to administrators. Although I've "worn many hats" in my work, I have tended to work independently­ almost like a solo contractor. I'm an introvert with a big dose of Puritan work ethic and a rural cultural background that taught me a successful man doesn't ask for help, he does it himself. 236 i Dare to Lead During the daring leadership work, all of this was thrown into stark relief, as I became self-aware that I had not been doing much to build positive relationships at my workplace. I started to see that the way I went about achieving results was likely telling others in my group that I didn't really trust them. I also have a perfectionistic vibe, and I was realizing that I judged others' work harshly­ even if I kept that mostly to myself, it came through loud and clear anyway. I had even overstepped my role quite a bit at times, without even realizing it, by "helping" oth­ ers do their job better-major facepalm. This all was a big wakeup call for me. I made a commitment to start building trust and con­ nection with the people I worked with each day by simply engaging with them for a few minutes on a personal level: asking them about this or that, and genuinely being inter­ ested in their personal lives or details they wanted to share. I am a good listener and usually am able to engage well one on one. This initially felt a little weird for me and was not easy for me to do. I tend to avoid personal encounters-and have tended to divide the work world from the "rest of my life" world. Over time these interactions became easier. I made it a priority each day to engage each person in the of­ fice for however long was naturally appropriate. I started to "show up" as a colleague. I saw my co-workers less as com­ petition, or inept. I started to see everyone as people who were doing the best they could, just like I was doing. Over the last several months, trust and connection have grown. I feel more of a sense of being part of a team, and have en­ gaged in more sharing of professional efforts as a result. Running parallel with these co-worker relationship­ building efforts was becoming aware that I had a fear I had  Braving Trust I 237 held on to for quite a few years-a "cave I didn't want to enter" but now knew I needed to. My backstory on this­ years ago I had started my Ph.D. It was a dream to accom­ plish this, but unfortunately, everything went wrong that could go wrong. I ended up dropping my program, getting a divorce, withdrawing from the world for a period, return- ing home, and eventually remarrying and starting a family. I tried to return to my Ph.D. work at one point but ulti­ mately dropped it again in order to focus on my children and wife, and my full-time job. I have carried around this sense of "I'm not enough" due to the absence of achieving my doctorate. Fast-forward to a time period a few months ago when I had been track­ ing and analyzing data from a seven-year education proj­ ect that I had designed and implemented. I had discovered some very interesting patterns and outcomes. Some of these results are scant or nonexistent in the literature. I had hesitated for several years to submit this type of work to a professional conference and present it to the scientific community. The old voice saying "You don't belong in that group-you don't have your Ph.D.-they won't take you se­ riously" kept me down. But I made a decision to submit the research work I had painstakingly conducted. My abstract was selected, and I joined a conference where I knew not a single soul. I was an outsider. However, I experienced a sense of belonging-that these might be "my people," "my tribe." What resulted is that my work was taken seriously, and I received genuine interest from others in this science community. Another positive outcome of that decision is that in order for me to travel and participate in that science con­ ference, I had to let go of something that I had held on to 238 I Dare to Lead with a very tight grip for the past seven years: I had orga­ nized and run a successful annual workshop from top to bottom. Every tiny aspect of it was "under my control." The workshop had originally been planned for the same week as the conference where I wanted to present my results. I reached out to my co-workers, one in particular, and asked her if she would consider co-chairing the workshop with me. I said we could open up a larger chunk of the workshop to integrate some of her ideas. Though we'd been competi­ tive, we worked together very well, and I learned a lot from her efforts, and she learned a lot from running the work­ shop in my absence. We both gained each other's respect, and we felt like a team after that. Trust was built. Through all of this experience the last six months I have come to realize some important things. I had shown up, put myself out there, and entered the cave. Only by showing up and being vulnerable was any of this possible. I couldn't have done it as a lone wolf. I presented myself au­ thentically. I reached out and made connections. I shared. I realized that I am a part of the larger science community, and that I am enough. I don't need to attach my personal worth to what I produce. I bring a unique set of experiences and wisdom, and I can contribute as part of a team. We can never overestimate the relationship between self­ trust and trusting others. Maya Angelou said, "I don't trust people who don't love themselves and tell me, 'I love you.' There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.''  Learning to Rise I 249 The Reckoning, the Rumble, and the Revolution The Learning to Rise process is about getting up from our falls, over­ coming our mistakes, and facing hurt in a way that brings more wis­ dom and wholeheartedness into our lives. As tough as it is, the payoff is huge: When we have the courage to walk into our story and own it, we get to write the ending. And when we don't own our stories of failure, setbacks, and hurt-they own us. I call the research participants who had the highest level of resilience and reset the risers. It just fits, plus I always think about "the arena" when I hear the chorus to the song "Riser" by Dierks Bentley: I'm a riser I'm a get up off the ground, don't run and hider Pushin' comes to shove And hey, I'm afighter THE RECKONING We are emotional beings, and when something hard happens to us, emotion drives. Cognition or thinking is not sitting shotgun 250 ; Dare to Lead next to behavior in the cab of the truck. Thinking and behavior are hog-tied in the back, and emotion is driving like a bat out of hell. Picture me at the dining room table when Steve makes the damn ham announcement. Risers immediately recognize when they're emotionally hooked by something: Hey, something's got me. And then they get curious about it. We don't have to pinpoint the emotion accu­ rately-we just need to recognize that we're feeling something. There will be time to sort out exactly what we're feeling later. Some of the ways risers talked about knowing they were hooked include: I don't know what's happening, but I'm coming out of my skin. I can't stop playing that conversation over and over in my head. How did I end up in the pantry? I feel ___________ (disappointed, regret-