Dare to Lead PDF

Dare to Lead - Brene Brown Brave work, Tough conversations, Whole hearts Part 1 section 4 125-156, 161-163 - Shame messages “suck it up” or “push through” - Shame 1-2-3’s 1. Everyone has shame unless sociopath - Shame is universal - Shame pain i...

Dare to Lead - Brene Brown Brave work, Tough conversations, Whole hearts Part 1 section 4 125-156, 161-163 - Shame messages “suck it up” or “push through” - Shame 1-2-3’s 1. Everyone has shame unless sociopath - Shame is universal - Shame pain is equal to physical pain 2. All are afraid to talk about shame 3. Less we talk about shame the more it controls use - Shame gets power from being unspoken - Shame - fear of disconnection - We are awed, unworthy of love, belonging and connection - 2 Tapes: 1. Never good enough 2. Who do you think you are - Shame fuels narcissistic behavior - Shame is not a compass for moral behavior - Opposite of shame is empathy - Embarrassment, Humiliation, Guilt interchangeable with shame - Guilt drives us to apologize, change behaviors not shame - Guilt = I did something bad - Shame = I am bad - Humiliation becomes shame when you buy into the message - “This isn’t about me” - Humiliation - Embarrassment - eeting normally becomes funny - Least serious and detrimental - Don’t feel alone when embarrassed - Emotional literacy is the core of shame resilience, shame to empathy How Shame Shows up at Work - Full blown threat to culture, must be dealt with immediately - Seen as manager berating employee (superior to subordinate) - Shame slowly eats away at connection, trust, culture, and innovation fl fl  - Signs of shame (permeated culture): - Perfectionism, favoritism, gossip, back channeling, comparison, harassment, discrimination, power over, bullying, blaming, teasing, coverups - Shame has become a management tool - Creativity scars - comparisons used as a shame tool, Sti es innovation and creativity - School leaders have enormous power for better or worse and reinforce there self worth to students - People feel shame when being red - “Way out with dignity” - Be Kind - Be Clear - Be Respectful (graceful exit) - Be Generous (resign, severance) - Great leaders make tough “people decisions” and are tender when implementing them - What gets in the way of giving people away out with dignity: - Armoring up (posturing) - form of self protection - Time and money - slow down, be thoughtful, fuller conversation - Fall guy - Boss not looking within to x issues - Lack of vulnerability and courage - Boss afraid to show emotions themselves - Cover-up - most devastating sign of shame - Culture of complicity and shame - Organizations that protect reputation/positions of power: - Systemic shame - Complicity as part of the culture - Money and power trumps ethics - Accountability is dead - Controller fear are management tools - Trail of devastation and pain - Shame talks have to be set up right away - Powerful, liberating conversations - Normalizes shame, builds connection and trust - Di cult conversations that lead to cultural change ffi fi fi fl Shame Resilience - Shame resistance - Not possible, as long as you care about connection and fear disconnection - Pain from shame is real - Shame Resilience - Practice authenticity when we feel shame - Move through without sacri cing values - Come out with more courage, compassion and connection - Moving from shame to empathy, real antidote of shame - Shame can't survive if you share your story with someone who responds with empathy and compassion - Empathy is social balm to cure a social wound - Shame is a social wound - Self compassion (key) - Be gentle with oneself, more likely to reach out, connect and experience empathy Empathy - Linchpin of a culture built on connection and trust - Essential ingredient for teams who take risks and show up for rumbles - Pain is met with empathy - Connecting with emotions that underpin an experience - Is a choice to be with someone in there darkness, a vulnerable choice - Rocket fuel to create trust and increase connection - Sympathy - Not our job to make things better - Response rarely make things better, connection heals - Comparative su ering - Race to misery - Empathy Skill 1-5: 1. See the world as others see it or perspective taking - Viewpoint (lens) is a product of our history and experiences - Honor others perspective as truth even when it di ers from ours - Default - My truth is, my truth - Perspective - becoming a learner, not a knower - Knowers struggle with all 4 building blocks of courage - Diverse perspectives are included, valued, and respected ff fi ff  2. To be nonjudgemental - 2 ways to predict judging 1. Where we are most susceptible to shame 2. Judge those who are doing worse than us in that area - Areas you’re judgmental in are hard issues for you - Vicious, shame cycle o oading, hurt by judging others - Staying out of judgment means being aware of where we are most vulnerable - We don't judge in areas we are strong in 3. Understand one another’s feelings 4. Communicate your understanding of that person's feelings - 3 & 4 combined - Understanding others' emotions, and communicating them, requires us to be in touch with our own emotions - Must be comfortable in the world of emotions. Most are emotionally illiterate - Impossible to process emotions when you can't Identify, name or talk about our experiences - Iceberg e ect - show anger but feel hurt, show the top of the iceberg, but not whats blow the service - Emotional literacy prerequisite for empathy, shame resilience, and the ability to reset rise after a fall - Emotional literacy - recognize and name 30 - 40 emotions between ourselves and others - Communicating understanding is biggest risk because we can get it wrong - When wrong you must have the courage to circle back - Want to talk about it? Indicates you're ready to emotionally rumble 5. Mindfulness (pay attention) - Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so feelings are not suppressed or exaggerated - We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time - Not be over identi ed with thoughts and feelings, and swept away by negativity - Play attention to what's happening in conversations ff fi ffl What empathy looks like - Empathy is being connected and connection is the best navigation system - Wrong turn, connection is forgiving and quickly reroutes - Connect and pay attention for answers - Engage, stay curious, stay connected with strangers, let go of fear and just do it Empathy in practice - Emotional miss/ failure- you don't feel heard, seen or understood when sharing something vulnerable, positive or negative - 6 ways to empathy miss 1. Sympathy vs empathy - Sympathy - feeling for them - Drives disconnection - Looking over edge of whole, saying “that looks terrible so sorry” - Empathy - feeling with people - Fuels connection - Jumping into a whole with a clear way out - Enmeshment - jumping into a hole with no way out - 2 most powerful words when someone is struggling “me too” - Empathy builds courage and facilitates deep change - Extra Deadly Shame Cyclone - “Oh you poor thing” - “Aww, bless your heart” - Someone feels sorry for us it magni es our feeling of being alone - Someone feels with us it magni es the feeling of connection 2. Gasp and Awe - You make e ort to console listener about your story because they are appalled, upset or awkward silence 3. The mighty fall - Person can’t help you because they’re so let down by your imperfections causing disappointment - View you as pillar of worthiness and authenticity - Defend self due to disappointment - Childhood driver of perfectionism ff fi fi  4. Block and tackle - Scolded by friend or looks for someone else to blame - Avoid discomfort in conversation - Pissed o at someone else or judgment - Not helpful 5. Boots and shovel - make it better to get out of their own discontent - Refuses acknowledge you make mistakes or bad choices - Hustling to make you feel better not hearing anything you say - Reeks of bullshit 6. If you think that's bad - Confuses connection with the opportunity to one up - Comparing or competing - Most important words, “me too you're not alone” - Shifts focus on other person Empathy and shame resilience - 4 elements of shame resilience 1. Recognizing shame and understanding of strangers - Shame shields - strategies of disconnection - Moving away - withdrawing, hiding, keeping secrets - Moving toward - seeking to appease or please - Moving against - gain power by being aggressive - Shame shields move us away from authenticity and wholeheartedness 2. Practicing critical awareness - Camera zoomed in on you when your feeling shame - self critical - Zoomed out - see full picture and reality check shame triggers and social expectations 3. Reaching out - Feelings that make us feel most alone are universal - Everyone ghting battles about not being good enough or belonging - Share experiences and hear others experiences we force shame out of hiding - Not reaching out, leads to fear, blame and disconnection 4. Speaking shame - Shame loves Perfectionists, they keep quiet ff fi  - name it and speak it destroy shame - If we don't talk about it, we shut down or act out or both - Honesty, motivated by anger is brutal - Accurate and factual can be used in a destructive manor - empathy is at the heart of connection - standing with someone in discomfort, is the epitome of courage - empathy can be learned Part 1 Section 5 179-181 Practicing vulnerability - Show people how much you care by sharing your story - Practice vulnerability by sharing your stories - Leading through multiple lenses makes you more approachable and relatable Becoming Self Aware - Lack of self awareness as a leader/ not being connected with intentions driving thoughts, feeling and actions - limit perspective and insight - Journalling and seeking feed back helps to grow and re ne leadership skills - Weekly practice quiet re ection Engaging Through Tough Conversations - Move past “ the way we’ve always done it” through tough conversations - Change organization by: - Growing power with people by distributed and collaborative leadership, empowering others to lead - Change things that don't add value to the organization and celebrate what works - Lead deeper and in a more meaningful way by: - True to self - Respect Journey - Own Story fl fi  Part 3 221-238, 249-263 - Question, trustworthiness and vulnerability lockdown/shield takes place almost immediately - Locked down/ Shielded - can't hear or process anything - Trust - making something you value vulnerable to someone else’s actions - Glue that holds teams and organizations together - Trust between managers and employees is the primary de ning characteristic of the very best workplace (companies with Trust best 3x annual avg. of s & p 500) - Trust building - discarded as “soft” or “secondary” competency - Trust is the 1 thing that changes everything, all things are possible - Distrust - what's important to me is not safe with this person - Threats how we see ourselves - No Trust, No Connection - Talk about instead of to them - leads to time-wasting and zigzagging - Ignore trust issues at the expense of our own performance - More dangerous not to talk about trust (di cult, avoided conversations) Trust talk, we can actually hear - Speak speci cally about the breach of trust rather than generally - more exact more people can hear us, support real change - Distrust is totally demoralizing - De ne Trust - BRAVING - Braving Inventory - 1st inventory tool/ Process - Conversation guide - B - Boundaries - respect boundaries by asking whats okay and what’s not oaky - R - Reliability - say what you do do what you say and don’t over commit balance - A - Accountability - own mistakes, apologize, make amends - V - Vault - keep con dence of others by not sharing their stories - I - Integrity - courage over comfort, right over fun, fast or easy and practice values rather than professing them - N - Non-judgment - talks as equals ask equals fi fi fi ffi fi  - G - Generosity - most generous interpretations of intentions, words and actions of others Unpacking Vault - Counterfeit connection - Sharing other secrets to others - Makes others skeptical of their ability to trust you - Unpacking integrity - Integrity - courage over comfort, right over fun, fast or easy and practicing values rather than professing them - Fun, fast and easy is the biggest stumbling block to integrity - Cutting corners creates instant wariness and doesn’t work with integrity - Integrity Partner - someone at work that is check and balance for your personnel integrity - Building courage with a partner or as a team is more powerful than alone Unpacking Non-judgement - Desire to judge is strong and most of us - 2 variables that predict whom we judge: - (1) Someone doing worse than us (2) in an area we are weak - Parenting, we are always willing to judge a parent doing worse than ourselves - Asking for help is a power move, sign of strength to ght o judgment - Non-judgement - Ask for, giving, receiving help snd speaking freely while doing it - Re ects self-awareness, essential element of BRAVING - Earn a leaders trust by asking for help - most common answer Example of generosity - Assume Positive intent - Respond rather than react - Clear expectations and set boundaries - Assuming Negative Intent - Feelings (red ags): - “Making me crazy” - “Feeling frustrated” fl fl fi ff  Putting the Breathing Inventory into Practice - Develop 1 or 2 observable behaviors for each the 7 elements of BRAVING Inventory (rumble tool) - Speci c to work style and your culture to operationalize a element - Must be willing to: do, be accountable and hold others accountable - Work together or alone and share worksheet building trust as your operationalizing - Trust is the stacking of small moments over time - “You need to trust me” already to late - moment of crisis - Values driven organization - matching actions to words The Basics of Self Trust - Trust is based on the ability to trust ourselves - Self trust, 1st casualty of set backs, failures and disappointment - Review set backs, failures, disappointments with the BRAVING Inventory work through self trust - Build trust/ self trust: - in small moments and build on them - On a personnel level through communication The reckoning, the rumble and the resolution - Reckoning (walk into a story) - Knowing we are emotionally hooked and being curious about it - Slow down, breathe get curious instead of armoring up - “Feeling before you swing or hide” - Risers connect to the feelings in there bodies and get curious - Most people don’t make it past reckoning they o oad emotions onto others - O oading Strategies: 1. Chandeliering - Pack down pain until you lose cool or cry when a buried emotion is touched - Power-over situations - boss less likely to get into trouble, if he ips out on subordinate - Creates distrust and disengagement - Walking on eggshells puts huge cracks in our safety and self-worth ffl fl fi ffl  - cracks experienced trauma at home or work 2. Bouncing hurt - Ego says “feelings are for losers and weaklings” - Egos bouncers – anger, blame, avoidance - Ego can be a convincing and dangerous liar when it feels hurt 3. Numbing hurt - Numbing Popular form of armor - O oad emotion through numbing 4. Stock Pilling Hurt - Hold pain down until body decides enough is enough - Midlife/ midcareer, e ects are seen - Anxiety, depression, burnout, insomnia and physical pain 5. The Umbridge - Most di cult o oading strategy - Mask real pain hurt, ticking time bomb - We don't trust people who don't struggle or have hard times - Don't connect with people we don't nd relatable 6. Hurt and Fear of High Centering - Getting stuck in a way that makes it hard to go forward or backwards - Feel total loss of control, powerless, Strategies for reckoning with emotion - Box/ tactical breathing - Inhale 4 count - Hold 4 count - Exhale 4 count - Hold empty breathe 4 count - 2-3 sessions can reset ghting mode - Practicing Calm - Calm - creating perspective and mindfulness well managing emotional reactivity ffl ffi ffl ff fi fi  - Calm “super power” that heels anxiety - 2 ways (Patterns) of dealing with anxiety: - Under-functioning - Less competent under stress “fragile one” - Work on amplifying strengths and competencies - Over-functioning - Move quickly, micromanage, getting other peoples business - Become more willing to embrace vulnerabilities - Emotionally grounded - practicing calm - Anxiety - most contagious emotions but calm equally contagious - Slow speech patterns for frantic conversation and fact nd - Deep breath before 2 questions: - Do I have enough information to freak out? - Will freaking out help, if I have enough data? - Give yourself permission to feel - permission slip The rumble: conspiracies, confabulations and shifty rst drafts - Rumble (go to the mat) - In the absence of data, we'll always make up stories- self protection - Bad stories cost organizations - Brain rewards good and bad stories (half or whole) with dopamine - Shifty/ Stromy 1st Draft - 1st story we make up - Fears and insecurities romping all over making worst case scenarios - Fear lls data gaps making it a conspiracy theory - Combat SFD’s with provided information/ Facts and information/ facts will be forth coming as you can get it if not available - “Courage Culture” - Clarity reduces the ability for SFD’s - Give a reasonable amount of time to combat SFD’s 1 on 1 - Confabulation - lie told honestly - Replace missing information with something false that is believed to be true fi fi fi