Parenting for the 21st Century PDF - Family Therapy

CHAPTER 16 Parenting for the 21st Century Introduction A Short History of Parenting Key Concepts Techniques Positive Parenting for Functional Families...

CHAPTER 16 Parenting for the 21st Century Introduction A Short History of Parenting Key Concepts Techniques Positive Parenting for Functional Families A Word or Two About Blended Families and Stepfamilies Parenting Difficult Children Summary and Multicultural Evaluation Contributions to Multicultural Counseling and Gender Issues Recommended Reading M8 Introduction Not all family therapists subscribe to the idea of teaching parents. Indeed, many of the most prominent of the systemic practitioners (Bowen, Whitaker, Minuchin, Haley, and the other strategic therapists) repeatedly have declined to specify what they believe would constitute adequate parenting—and the idea of actually teaching parents to function better would not fit within their models. Among those approaches that were willing to define good parenting, three models have provided the core of the most-used programs in the United States: These models are the Adlerian-Dreikursian model; the communications models (Ginott, Gordon, and Satir); and the behavioral models (Gottman, Krumboltz, Meichenbaum, Patterson, and Skinner). There are several reasons for including a chapter on effective parenting in this book: (1) Family practitioners working in schools, hospitals, community agencies, and clin- ics are expected to address parenting issues in one form or another with most of the families they see; (2) often, the most critical stress point in a marriage is when couples first become parents (Gottman, 1999; Gottman, Katz, & Hooven, 1997); and (3) family coaching, an in- termediate step between parent education and family therapy or family counseling, is fast becoming a growth industry in the United States, Canada, and Europe. In this chapter, ! shall start with the development of parenting approaches over the last 100 years, and I will end with a presentation of the skills and techniques that more than 50 years of research  TTT TTT TATA A PU I Chapter 16 Parenting for the 21st Century 409 have validated as useful (Allen, Thompson, & Drapeaux, 1997; Brooks et al., 1988; Burnett, 1988; Campbell & Sutton, 1983; Collins, Maccoby, Steinberg, Hetherington, & Bornstein, 2000; Croake, 1983; Hammett, Omizo, & Loffredo, 1981; Krebs, 1986; Landerholm & Lowenthal, 1993; Mullis, 1999; Nystul, 1982; Pilgrim, Abbey, Hendrickson, & Lerenz, 1998; Sharpley & Poiner, 1980; Snow, Kern, & Penick, 1997; Williams, Omizo, & Abrams, 1984). M— A Short History of Parenting John Broadus Watson was an unlikely candidate to become America’s Founding Father of Behaviorism and to make this model the basis for one of the first parenting manuals in the United States. Born in Greenville, South Carolina, to an alcoholic father and a fundamen- talist, Baptist mother, John was actually named after a well-known evangelist in that part of the country (Hoffman, 1994). His mother wanted him to be a preacher, but John would have nothing of it. He did not do particularly well at school or in life until he was rescued by Professor Moore at Furman University, who got him interested in the psychological sci- ences and sent him on to the University of Chicago. Watson was heavily influenced in his early career by the classical conditioning theories advanced by the Russian neurologist and psychologist, Ivan Pavlov (1927/2003). Indeed, Watson conducted similar studies to those of Pavlov, using rats in mazes, and studying the capacity of rhesus monkeys to mimic what they saw. In 1913, Watson wrote what amounted to an academic manifesto, calling for be- haviorism to become the basis for the psychological sciences (Watson, 1925/1970). Later, at Johns Hopkins University, Watson began to combine Pavlov’s conditioning theories with Thorndike’s Darwinism. He initiated a longitudinal study of mother-child bonding and child development that included a special observation chamber he built at a Washington, DC, hospital. He became convinced that Pavlov’s model could be applied to children, and he envisioned a kind of Utopian world in which parents would use his meth- ods to raise perfectly happy and healthy children (Hoffman, 1994). It was during this period that Watson conducted his famous experiment with Little Albert and the rat. By pairing a loud noise (clanging on a metal bar), an unconditioned stimulus or UCS, with a white rat (a conditioned stimulus or CS), Watson taught Little Albert to be afraid of white mice. In this experiment, fear became the unconditioned response (or UCR) and later the conditioned response (or CR). This learning could also be generalized by using a white rabbit and even a white beard to stimulate the fear response. This experiment appeared to demonstrate that phobias, for example, were learned responses. It is not clear whether Watson or others invented the “cure,” but eventually behaviorists demonstrated that reintro- ducing the white rat (or rabbit) at a distance while calming the youngster would end the fear. Again, reducing that distance in steps while continuing to calm the child was the key, and it had to progress over many, many trials before the child could hold the animal in his lap. This process is the basis for what we now call systematic desensitization (Wolpe, 1990). Watson began to write articles on child rearing for popular magazines ranging from Cosmopolitan and McCall’s to The New Republic. In 1922, Watson was invited to offer a se- ries of lectures on behaviorism at the New School for Social Research. His courses were pop- ular with students, and he remained there until he was fired in 1926 for sexual misconduct. In 1928, Watson produced a very successful series of articles for McCall’, again on child rearing, that was published later that year as Psychological Care of Infant and Child (Watson, 1928). This was really the first widely read parenting manual available in the United States. His approach advocated treating children like little adults. He wanted parents to be objective and aloof. He was not in favor of mother-child bonding, cuddling children, or even kissing and hugging them, except in a perfunctory manner just before bed. Perhaps remembering his own mother-child experiences, he warned that too much closeness wrecked adolescents and as young adulthood approached, it could ruin a child’s vocational future. Watson was —— a a == i  410 PART 2. Theories and Techniques of Family Therapy and Counseling not even sure that children should grow up in families: He suggested that there might be some other environment in which children could be raised more scientifically with better results. In the 1930s, Watson returned almost exclusively to advertising. His children would later note that he was, as he preached, a distant father, who became quite self-absorbed in his middle years (Hoffman, 1994). Alfred Adler reached the height of his popularity at about the same time that John Wat- son was experiencing his. Adler’s (1927) book, Understanding Human Nature, was the first popular psychology book to sell in the hundreds of thousands of copies. Adler's (1930) ap- proach to children was decidedly more phenomenological in orientation, and he advocated a much more personally engaged form of parenting and teaching than would be character- istic of behaviorism for years to come. Adler rejected a psychology built on instincts and bi- ology, as in Freud’s model, or on reflexes and environmental controls, as in Watson's model. He was more impressed with the capacity of even young children to form goals and to make individual choices in the service of reaching those goals. Adler conceptualized his theory as a psychology of use. While heredity and environment played their parts, it was what the person made of these building blocks that really shaped his or her life. Even though Adler never used the language of behaviorism, in essence his approach placed an interpreting organism (the person or child) in between perceived stimuli and human response. He believed that stimuli, experiences, and activities all were perceived by individual humans and given meaning (or interpreted) before each person decided on (and chose) a response. In this sense, his learning theory is very similar to the cognitive- behavioral model we considered in Chapter Fifteen. Adler believed that all human behavior was goal-oriented. Sometimes the goals are immediate or short term, but people also strive for the more long-term life-goals of actu- alization, completion, or even perfection. Such completion goals are not inherent in the environment: They are created by the very people who strive for them. Human beings an- ticipate the ends they choose, and accept or desire whatever consequences are associated with those ends. Indeed, it is those anticipated endpoints that frame the way in which hu- man organisms interpret experiences and evaluate themselves in relation to all other stimuli to which they attend. The fundamental goal for children—and indeed, for all of us—is to belong, to have a place, to feel that we have worth and count with the people in our lives. There are hundreds of ways for individuals to meet this goal through cooperation, contribution, connection. shared competence, caring, compassion, and courage. Those who lack some or all of these capacities will have a tendency to find ways of belonging that are not so useful: They will make mistakes in how they see self, others, and life, and they may even develop useless goals. Rudolf Dreikurs (1940a, 1940b), a child psychologist and colleague of Adler’s, addressed the child’s mistaken attempts to belong when he devel- oped a typology of mistaken goals for children’s misbehavior. These goals (attention-getting, power-struggles, revenge, and demonstration of inad- equacy) were immediate, short-term motivations that accounted for mis- behavior in young children. They are used to help parents understand the purposes for their children’s disruptive behaviors, as well as to give struc- © Dr. Eva Dreikurs Ferguson ture to family interviews (see Dreikurs, 1950, and Chapter Six, on Adlerian Family Therapy, in this book). By 1948, Dreikurs had developed the first of many books on how to raise children effectively, basing his approach on the development of a democratic atmosphere and social equality between parent and child (Dreikurs, 1948/1992). His model stood in opposition te both authoritarian and permissive approaches to child-rearing. Today, we would call this approach authoritative-responsive parenting (Baumrind Rudolf Dreikurs 1968, 1995). Dreikurs and Soltz (1964/1991) would eventually team up te  Chapter 16 Parenting for the 21st Century 411 write one of the most-used parenting books of all time, Children: The Challenge; they taught us that disturbing behaviors in children were a sign of discouragement, and the antidote was the application of encouragement and the use of natural and logical consequences (Dreikurs & Grey, 1968/1989). In Chapter Fifteen, I noted the importance of Skinner’s (1953, 1974) operant-con- ditioning model: Similar to Adler’s model, Skinner believed that it was the outcome, the endpoint, or the result that really controlled and determined behavior. Behaviors that were reinforced continued and developed, while behaviors that were not reinforced diminished and eventually extinguished. Further, large, complex behaviors could be shaped by break- ing them down into smaller, more achievable actions. Usually, continuous primary rein- forcement is prescribed initially for the step-by-step shaping of new behaviors. Intermittent reinforcement, however, is the strongest behavioral motivator. Skinner shared with Adler a belief that authoritarian, aversive parenting was usually nonproductive. The use of corporal punishment, coupled with aversive interactions, seldom worked and often made family life worse rather than better. Bandura (1969) and Krumboltz and Krumboltz (1972) both noted that when a parent effectively administered reinforcements, they became another reinforcer, a social reinforcer who also could serve as a model for what was expected. It is this kind of social reinforce- ment that makes effective parenting both possible and enjoyable. We know whether parents and children are functioning well by the way they communi- cate. Effective communication is not only important to family life: It is central to every aspect of shared living. John Dewey (1916), the great American educator and philosopher, noted that there was more than a linguistic connection between the words common, community, and communication. We are a community by virtue of the things we share in common, and we come to understand what we have in common through communication. What a person thinks is understood through talk: that is, through one person expressing thoughts and feel- ings to another. When our thoughts are rational and congruent with our feelings, the actions that follow tend to make human sense. Irrational or extreme thoughts tend to produce dis- turbing and extreme feelings that lead to ineffective and often pathological behaviors. As I noted in the chapter on the human validation process model, Satir (Satir, 1983; Satir & Baldwin, 1983) introduced the notion of a nurturing triad as a foundation for par- enting: She hoped that two adults could form a team that would work in favor of the growth and development of the child. She believed that children needed a core of self-esteem if they were to become all that they could be (if they were to actualize their potential), and parents could bolster that self-esteem with positive attributions, encouragement, and by tending to the emotional development of young people. For Satir, congruent communication involved expressive clarity coupled with emotional honesty. How many of us, when we were little, walked in on a heated argument between our. parents and asked if they were fighting. If our parents responded that they were not fight- ing, that they were simply having “a discussion,’ their communication told us that our eyes and ears were dysfunctional and could not be trusted. Clarity and emotional honesty would have been served much better if the parents had said, “Yes, we are having a fight, but it is not about you. We will be okay, and you will be okay, and Mom and Dad need some time alone to work this problem out.” Satir (1987) noted that when distress increased in the family, each family member tended to adopt a communication stance that either facilitated problem resolution or ex- acerbated it. The four stress positions of blaming, placating, super-reasonable, and irrel- evant have already been described [see the Satir chapter (Chapter 6)]. They represent four ways in which individuals attempt to protect their self-worth when faced with difficult challenges; in actuality, these communication modes only make things worse. An Adle- rian psychologist from Israel, Nira Kfir (1981), noted similar stances in relation to stressful situations, calling her positions significance, pleasing, control, and comfort, respectively. il 412 PART 2. Theories and Techniques of Family Therapy and Counseling These parallel stances describe both the communication (Satir) and the goals sought (Kfir) in many parent-child interactions. Satir described congruent communications as ones in which the speaker took into account personal needs, the needs and positions of others, and the context in which communication would take place. Her use of congruent communica- tion requires what Adler called social interest, paying attention to the welfare of others as well as self. Bitter (1987) linked these two models in terms of theory, and Main (1986) ap- plied them to parenting styles. Satir was not alone in her emphasis on communication in parenting. Both Thomas Gordon (1970), a student of Carl Rogers, and Haim Ginott (1965/1994, 1969/1971) built entire parenting programs around effective communication with children. Gordon's parent effectiveness training would later be integrated with Dreikurs’ democratic approach and would serve as the basis for the two largest parent-training programs in the United States (Dinkmeyer, McKay, & Dinkmeyer, 1997; Popkin, 1993). Ginott’s communication model is now largely considered to be the foundation for John Gottman’s emotion coaching ap- proach to parenting (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997). Jane Nelson's (2006) Positive Discipline programs focus on encouragement and solution-focused outcomes (available online at: http://www. positivediscipline.com). In cases in which either parents or children exhibit extreme behavioral problems or children have special difficulties such as autism, effective parenting still requires carefully monitored programs based on operant conditioning. Gerald Patterson (Patterson, 1980; Patterson & Forgatch, 1987) was one of the first to develop modern behavioral parent train- ing models, and we still refer to his approach when the severity of behavioral interactions warrants it. Recently, the Total Transformation Program (Lehman, 2004) has taken center stage in the promotion of parenting methods for working with difficult children and ado- lescents. This model is a blend of authoritative-responsive parenting, effective communica- tion, and reinforcement theory. Presented on seven CDs and two DVDs with a workbook, the model effectively teaches parents how to respond to almost any parent-child situation or interaction. We now shall consider how these merging models contribute to our understanding of parenting and child-rearing. We also shall consider the latest recommendations for effective parenting. MH Key Concepts Let’s start with a few questions: Where did you learn to be a parent? If you are not a parent yet, what will be your sources for learning effective methods? Will you do what your par- ents did with you? Where do you think they learned to be parents? Will you read a book? Will you become part of a parent study group? What methods of discipline were used on , you? Will you keep any of those methods? Discard any? Design a whole new approach? What constitutes an emotionally and cognitively healthy child today? What can parents do that will make a significant difference? There was a tribe of Native Americans from the northwest part of the United States that used to train their children not to cry within 3 days of being born. The method they used involved the parent holding a hand over the baby’s mouth and nose when it cried until the baby passed out. Although the process “worked,” it also caused brain damage as well as other difficulties. At one time, there was a purpose to the procedure: Perhaps crying babies would scare away wild game needed for food or give away the location of a camp during periods of war. The problem was that this method was still used by some parents into the 1900s, long after its usefulness had disappeared. European heritage includes methods of parenting that are even more antiquated. We have to go back to the 16th century to find the societies in which current practices made  Chapter 16 Parenting for the 21st Century 413 sense. Those European societies were organized in strict hierarchies with kings, princes, and other nobility at the top and laborers, artisans, and serfs at the bottom. Let us say that a child in a serf’s family awakened one day, no longer wanting to cut hay for the lord of the manor. Or perhaps, the child wanted to run away or try to impersonate a nobleman. These ideas and positions could easily get the child killed, so parents had to teach that child to “know his place” Two methods from that autocratic period remain today: One is called re- ward, used as an incentive or bribe for good behavior, and the other is called punishment,” used to curtail bad behavior by imposing authoritarian control. Of the two, the latter was then and is now used more often by parents than the former. Both procedures, however, reflect a belief in the superiority of one person or set of people over others. Again, these methods, though still in prominent use, are out of date by anywhere from 300 to 500 years. Most Western cultures currently exist within democratic states where the principle of equality is prized, if not fully enacted. In these countries, there is increasing evidence that equal rights for all citizens will eventually be won. No single culture will be allowed to dominate all others. Women will be able to stand equal with men before the law. Age, creed, color, and even sexual and affectional orientation will no longer be barriers to full participation in community life and our legal systems of justice. As a set of Western nations, we still are working on these developments, but change is coming. Perhaps the last group to gain equal rights will be children. It is not lost on children, even today, that they have standing in a democratic society. Attempts at child-control and imposition of adult authority are met with rebellion, either overt or covert, from a very early age. It only takes a trip on Saturday mornings to a res- taurant or shopping center to demonstrate quickly that authoritarian parents have been re- duced to yelling, screaming, blaming, frustrated, and angry people who fluctuate between coaxing, pleading, or reminding at one moment and outbursts or even public spankings the next. To make matters worse, when things really get out of hand, these same parents then give in—in order to get a little peace and quiet. The myth of external control outside of laboratory conditions has long been known, but authoritarian models still permeate almost everything that parents do with children—and are even reinforced by some popular psy- chologists (see Dobson, 1996, 2004). An authoritarian approach is what people in many different cultures have always done. It is what many of our parents did with us. It is “normal.” There’s only one problem: It doesn't work, and it’s not effective. So what does work? Actually, a whole range of ideas, once considered outrageous, works, including: e Taking children in as partners; e Providing guidance and leadership; e Taking time for training; ¢ Treating children as growing, developing people with different needs at different times in their lives; e Giving choices; eUsing natural and logical consequences; ¢ Providing encouragement, recognition, and positive attention; e Listening and emotion coaching; e Negotiations and compromise; ° Using, direct, clear, concise “I” messages when communicating with children or di- recting children to act differently; * Modeling respect, cooperation, kindness, caring, compassion, and courage; that is, becoming what Krumboltz and Krumboltz (1972) call prestigious models. One way to characterize the range of current parenting styles is to think of them ona continuum from autocratic-authoritarian to permissive and neglectful. Somewhere in the 414 PART 2 Theories and Techniques of Family Therapy and Counseling democratic and that middle of the continuum would be models that Adlerians call might draw the Baumrind (1968, 1971, 1991, 1995) refers to as authoritative-responsive. We continuum like this: © Cengage Learning & Permissive Neglectful Autocratic/Authoritarian Democratic/Authoritative-Responsive in charge The autocratic-authoritarian model proceeds from the idea that adults are them and demand that they behave. This model of children, and that they should control way for children to be and that they should use presumes that parents know the proper children in line. Those of us raised in homes that bribes and arbitrary punishments to keep ritarian believed in traditional discipline will be very familiar with the autocratic-autho or control and low responsi veness. Here re- approach. It is characterized by high demand reciproci ty, and attachme nt in the discipli nary sponsiveness refers to the level of warmth, relationship between the parent and child. had its hey- Toward the other end of the continuum is permissiveness. This approach when John Dewey’s more progress ive approach to day in the late 1940s and the early 1950s concerns for the fragile ego of the child. Permis- education was force-merged with Freud’s it is character- siveness assumes that it is either harmful or useless to say “no” to a child, and avoid conflict —regular ly giving in to whining and istic of parents who will do anything to Crowder, 2002; Ricker & Crowder, 1998, 2000). temper-tantrums throughout the day (see Permissive parenting is characterized by high responsi veness and low demand. nt Diana Baumrind (1991) notes that there are some parents who are both indiffere calls such parents neglectf ul. This parentin g to and uninvolved with their children. She as possible. When interacti ng with them, such style ignores children and their needs as long are the parents a parent often will respond just enough to get the child to go away. They ed, seeking a goal Adlerian s call a demon- whom structural family therapists call disengag will leave them alone. Neglectf ul parents are stration of inadequacy so that the children characterized by both low demand and low responsi veness. who fall The parents who have been most effective over the last half century are those their children for living in a democra cy by in the middle of the continuum, who prepare ives, develop their own voices and opinions , helping them to develop their own perspect nces of daily living. This model, most often and learn from the natural and logical conseque to be true called democratic parenting or authoritative-responsive parenting, asks parents an active engagem ent of children based. on leaders and models in the family. It involves edging their thinking and feeling, and (a) giving them choices, (b) listening to and acknowl ive manner. This approach is character - (c) guiding them in a nonthreatening and nonpunit ized by reasonable demands and adequate responsi veness. of par- A story Oscar Christensen used to tell about breakfast will make this range he was little, his mother decided what he enting styles clearer (Christensen, 2004). When oatmeal mush and she cooked it to the would have for breakfast each morning. She made Sometimes, he consistency of paste. Needless to say, he wouldn't eat it. He played with it: it in his spoon and shoot it at his sister. swirled it in his bowl; sometimes, he would pack about him that day: She would declare Then his mother would make the second decision When the phone would ring around that he was a bad boy and send him from the table. his mother 11:00 A.M., Christensen would run to the kitchen to get graham crackers. Worse, sending him from the table earlier. So he let him get them, because she felt a bit guilty for ate the graham crackers, and then he wasn't hungry at lunchtim e. iin ANA AA (il Chapter 16 Parenting for the 21st Century 415 Now, if you contrast that with the treatment his cousins got at his aunt’s house, it seems quite different—even though the end is the same. In that house, there were 20 different cereals, because the mother could never say “no” to what the children requested or wanted. And each child was allowed to sample as many different cereals each morning as she or he wished. When his cousins were very young, the sampling could last until almost 11:00 A.M., and these kids were not hungry at lunchtime either. The parents who would be most effective in teaching their children how to handle life would offer the child a choice: “What’s it going to be: Captain Crunch or scrambled eggs?” Notice that this is not an unlimited choice in which anything goes. Even so, a child might say, “T want Frosted Flakes.” An authoritative-responsive parent could reply that he or she under- stands the child’s desire for Frosted Flakes, “.. and maybe we can have them next week, but this morning we have Captain Crunch or scrambled eggs: Which is it going to be?” Some parents worry that the child will choose not to eat at all, but that is also an ac- ceptable choice to make—even for a 3-year-old. The natural consequence of not eating is that the child will get hungry and, perhaps, make a better decision about breakfast the next morning. Okay, let’s say the child chooses Captain Crunch. If this child plays with the ce- real long enough, it will lose its crunch and taste worse than oatmeal mush ever hoped to taste. Once the milk is poured on, however, the decision is irreversible: There is no way to er re-crunch a soggy Captain, so the child will play with it. Now the parent gives the child a second choice for the morning: “What do you want to do, eat properly or get down from the ne table?” If the child gets down from the table, as any kid with taste buds will do, then that’s it SE ae eg until noon. The parent does not have to feel guilty: The child made the choice. It is a logical consequence and, again, the child has the opportunity to make a different choice the next morning. The authoritative-responsive or democratic parent also takes time for training. In these models, adults try to anticipate what the child will need to know and provide both experi- ence and guidance. How do we train a child, for instance, that a stove is hot? Our parents probably slapped our hands away from the stove. My aunt, who had a degree in child de- velopment, would slap her child’s hand and say, “No, hot!” You can see what a difference an education can make. It’s possible, however, to realize when a child is big enough to push a chair up to the stove and get close to the burners. Wouldn't that be a great time to, perhaps, try an experiment where she or he holds a hand over the burner as it gets hotter? In the end, the children still may burn themselves once or twice: Experience is a potent teacher. But when parents take time to train, some childhood pains can be avoided. Perhaps the most important aspect of the child that parents need to train relates to the development and expression of emotions (Goleman, 1995, 2006; Gottman & DeClaire, 1997). When children are very young and just learning to talk, teaching them the actual, words for different emotions is essential. Words link feelings to meaning. School counsel- ors often use large charts with many faces attached to different emotions to help children identify emotions, but parents can do the same thing by drawing a feeling-face or set of feeling-faces on fingers and letting children choose what they feel inside. Noticing that chil- dren express different moods and experience different levels of emotions is the first step in attaching words to the emotional diversity within. Emotion coaching (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997)—that is, when parents engage chil- dren and adolescents in teaching them to value emotional experience and language by ac- tively listening for it and reflecting it back to them—has been demonstrated to have many positive effects. Children who are emotion-coached form better attachments with family and peers; they are better problem solvers and do better in both math and reading (even when adjusted for IQ); when faced with stressful circumstances, they stay calmer longer; and when they are at rest, their hearts actually function more efficiently (lower heart rates). Emotion coaching also seems to provide some protection from infectious illness. It also helps young people maintain better moods (with less swings), and it alleviates almost all of 416 PART 2. Theories and Techniques of Family Therapy and Counseling the negative effects of divorce, except sadness. And the good news is that parents who emo- tion coach tend to have more validating marriages and get divorced far less often than the rest of the population. Gottman and his colleagues have demonstrated all of this in longi- tudinal studies conducted in their laboratory settings in Seattle, Washington (see Gottman, Katz, & Hooven, 1997). A study by Jackson, Henrickson, and Foshee (1998) produced similar results for authoritative-responsive parenting, including high levels of academic success among European-American and Mexican-American youths. They also noted that this approach to parenting lowers levels of substance use or violence—especially in relation to the children of neglectful parents. In contrast, children of authoritarian parents were more obedient and almost never questioned authority, but they also had low self-esteem and less social com- petence in school. These children often reported elevated levels of psychological distress. Earlier in this chapter, I noted that Rudolf Dreikurs (1940a, 1940b, 1948/1992, 1950) identified four goals for children’s misbehavior: attention-getting, power struggles, revenge, and demonstrating inadequacy. Each of these immediate goals for children’s misbehavior is part of a larger goal: to belong. They are mistaken but common ways that children seek to count and be valued within the family and in their community. Parents without training tend to react to mistaken behaviors in ways that actually reinforce useless, negative pat- terns and lead to ineffective interactions. Indeed with some children, punishments (such as, spanking) can actually become a reinforcer of negative behavior (Krumboltz & Krumboltz, 1972). We see this happen when defiant children continue or increase misbehavior imme- diately after an aversive response has been applied. With training and guidance, most parents can learn authoritative-responsive ways to raise their children effectively and actually prevent the emergence of more-difficult and de- structive behaviors (and goals) as young people get older. Some of the most effective inter- ventions include the use of natural and logical consequences (Dreikurs & Grey, 1968/1989), encouragement (Dinkmeyer & Dreikurs, 1963/2000), active listening and reflection (Ginott, 1965/1994, 1969/1971, 1975; Gordon, 1970), giving choices and guiding children through problem solving by asking questions. As I have mentioned already, all of these ideas and interventions are central to the most evidence-based parent-education programs in the United States: Total Transformation (Lehman, 2004), Positive Discipline (Nelson, 2006), STEP: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (Dinkmeyer, McKay, & Dinkmeyer, 1997), and Active Parenting (Popkin, 1993). The latter two of these video-based programs is also available in Spanish. For some of the most important research on these programs, see Abbey, Pilgrim, Hendrickson, and Buresh (2000); Bernino and Rourke (2003); Ciurczak and Co. (2003); CLAS (Culturally and Linguistically Appropriate Services) Review (2001); Fashimpar (2000); Mullis (1999); and Pilgrim, Abbey, Hendrickson, & Lerenz, (1998). Mm Techniques Let’s look at two sets of interventions and techniques that have been proven effective in rais- ing children. The first set is for families in which the parents are functional partners and need to understand psychoeducational approaches to child-rearing. The second set is for families in which one or more of the children exhibit extreme and/or disturbing behaviors that threaten the development of the child, as well as the overall functioning of the family. Positive Parenting for Functional Families Parenting styles that are common in more harmonious families generally include the ef- fective interventions that follow. These family processes are also encouraged when coun- selors or therapists are engaged in what behaviorists call functional family counseling or  TT ss immmmiammne ii (ill Chapter 16 Parenting for the 21st Century 417 , 1981), or trained consultation (see Alexander & Parsons, 1973, 1982; Barton & Alexander to provide leaders are engaged in family coaching; that is, using a psychoeducational model people might need to be effective parents. essential information that otherwise competent from coaxing, remindin g, bribery, yell- These interventions are dramatically different efforts at control. These democrat ic, ing at children, spankings, groundings, and other and they act as a preventat ive ap- authoritative-responsive interventions can be learned, proach to child rearing. Encouragement. One meaning of encouragement is to build courage, and this courage ement is needed as family members face life's problems and tasks. In one sense, encourag placing value on the child as she or he is a reinforcement of strengths and capabilities. It is but also acknowle dges effort and im- grows. Encouragement recognizes a job well done, standpoin t (Krumbol tz & Krumboltz , provement. Whether approached from a behavioral Dreikurs, 1963/2000 ), this kind of re- 1972) or an Adlerian perspective (Dinkmeyer & and inforcement is directed more at the development of the child than the shaping encourag ement is not is bribery, arbi- accomplishment of parent-desired behaviors. What learn to trary praise, coaxing, reminding, or demanding. It is having faith that children can as the root to the handle life, thereby helping children have faith in themselves: Such faith, like, “Try it word encouragement suggests, comes from the heart. It is expressed in phrases and see”; “You can handle this”; “I know you can work it out,’ or “I believe in you.” Accentuating the Positive. In general, children—like the rest of us—tend to grow as permissiveness; better in a positive environment. A positive environment is not the same that even they it is not the same as never saying “no” or saying positive things to children when they have at least one parent know are not true. It does mean that children do better has faith in their abilities, and can who enjoys having them around, values who they are, often refer to as a strengths per- communicate these to the child. This is what social workers tely five positive attributio ns spective. It is even measurable: If children receive approxima grow in more productiv e ways (see to every negative one, they simply have a better life and positive Gottman & DeClaire, 1997). Unfortunately, as Hart and Risley (1995) have noted, status goes down. That is, the reinforcement of children tends to decrease as socioeconomic get it the least. Accentuat ing the children who most need positive reinforcement too often members do well; (b) appreciat ing positive is (a) noticing what children and other family want to unique talents and contributions; (c) paying attention to those things that families see continue; and (d) minimizing mistakes and frustratio ns. Natural Consequences. A natural consequence is what results when parents ask the eat breakfast: question: “What would happen if I did nothing?” For instance, a child won't If no other food is served or The natural consequence is that the child will get hungry. different choice the next morning allowed until noon, the child will most likely make a circumstances than (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964/1991). This idea can be used in many more to school in parents generally think. It can be employed when a child is about to go off school rules. It can be used when clothing that is less than adequate for the weather or the children leave their lunches behind, forget their homework, or are late for dinner. Logical Consequences. A logical consequence is a parent-initiated consequence that ce is designed to help children learn the needs of a given situation when a natural consequen avenue, it may be necessary is either too dangerous or inadequate. If a family lives on a busy ce for children to learn to play only in the yard and not in the street. A natural consequen happen or the child might get of playing in the street would be either that nothing would in this case, the parent sets a hit by a car. Neither result will provide needed learning. So, street, the parent brings the child limit (play only in the yard) and if the child goes into the a a 418 PART 2. Theories and Techniques of Family Therapy and Counseling inside until she or he can remember to stay out of the street. Behaviorists like to specify a time that the child will stay in (say, 5-10 minutes), but it works just as well if the child says when he or she is ready to resume play. If a second movement to the street occurs, the parent brings the child in for twice as long, and keeps doubling the time for subsequent oc- currences until the child either learns where to play or is inside until the age of 32. In either case, the child is safe, which was the real goal in the first place. This consequence follows directly from the needs of the situation and is therefore logical—as opposed to arbitrary. It is focused on what the child needs to learn, not simply on what the parent demands. It can be implemented with little or no talking, and requires no arguments, outbursts, or aversive interactions (Dreikurs & Grey, 1968/1989). Active Listening and Reflection. Thomas Gordon (1970/2000) was Carl Rogers’ stu- dent, and he was the first person to coin the term active listening. Active listening is choos- ing to engage the child from his or her perspective, to see through a child’s eyes, experience life as the child does, and to mirror or reflect back the child’s ideas and feelings by para- phrasing them. Active listening is designed to communicate understanding to one’s child before helping the child with suggestions, advice, or problem solving. It is most important when it mirrors the child’s feelings in such a way as to affirm and acknowledge significant for emotions in the child (Ginott, 1965/1994, 1969/1971, 1975): This is also the foundation much of what we now call emotion coaching. Child: John hit me. Father: You were playing outside with John and something happened that led to John hitting you. Child: Yes, and I don’t even know why. Father: It surprised you when John hit you and hurt your feelings too. Child: I don’t want to play with John anymore! Father: You're really angry at John right now. When children have problems, active listening tells them we understand. It acknowl- edges their feelings and lets them evolve until some new possibilities emerge and problem solving is then possible. |-statements. An I-statement states how the parent is feeling or what the parent needs in response to a specific problem. Perhaps an adolescent is playing a CD extremely loudly when a parent is trying to talk on a phone, complete some work at home, or just resting. An I-statement might be something like: “I am feeling stressed, because I am trying to talk on the phone to my sister, and the music is so loud that I cannot hear. Is there a way you can still listen to your music and I can talk to my sister too?” An I-statement keeps the owner-. ship of the problem with the speaker. It avoids blame, criticism, and power struggles, and asks the child to negotiate a win-win settlement to the problem. Who Owns the Problem? Gordon (1970) also provides a guide for determining who owns a family problem and what actions should be taken. Ifa child has some need that is not being met or that is actually thwarted, then the child owns the problem, and the parent is wise to engage in active listening. For example, a child does not like her teacher at school: This is unfortunate, but it does not stop the parents from meeting their needs. The problem belongs to the child, and active listening is the best response. Let’s say that a child dresses for school in shorts in the middle of the winter in Canada. The shorts apparently are not bothering the child, not yet anyway, and they certainly do not interfere with the parents’ needs. In this case, there is no problem. The parents should stay out of it and allow natural consequences to teach the child whatever lesson is still to be learned.  a Chapter 16 Parenting for the 21st Century 419 There are times, however, when child or adolescent behavior seriously interferes with parental needs, as in the loud-music situation mentioned earlier. In these cases, Gordon suggests I-statements. I-statements invite and almost always are followed by negotiation. Giving Choices and Negotiations. When children are small, parents often have to decide what is best for them and let children have only limited choices. Sometimes, the choices are between or among a small number of options: Rather than “What do you want to do today?” a parent might say, “We can go to the park, go bike riding, or go swimming. Which would you like to do?” Even when a choice is so severely limited as to have no be- havioral options, the parent can frame the situation as a choice of style or attitude. “It’s time for bed. Would you like to go up to bed on your own or would you like me to carry you upside down over my shoulders?” If it hasn’t happened already, about the time a child leaves elementary school for mid- dle school, it is time to start negotiating in good faith most of the issues that come up. The child will have certain needs and desires as will the parents, and sitting down to work out win-win situations is important for the well-being of the family. Negotiation is central to the development of good relations and positive decision making in young people, from pre- adolescence until the child leaves home. The same behavioral agreements and mutual con- tingency contracts that have been effective with couples also have a place between parents and older children. Emotion Coaching. No one is currently more well-known for applying science to cou- ples and families than John Gottman (Gottman, 1994, 1996, 1999; Gottman & DeClaire, 1997; Gottman, Katz, & Hooven, 1997). At the heart of his approach to parenting is an emphasis on raising emotionally intelligent children. This starts when parents first engage their infants, try to feel what the child is feeling, and begin to use words both to name the emotions and validate them. Of all the different emotions a child might have, it is by far easier to acknowledge happiness, joy, excitement, delight, and other positive emotions than it is to reflect and validate frustration, anger, rage, hurt, fear, or other negative and some- times frightening emotions. It is these latter emotions, however, for which coaching and validating are most important. With very young children, parents can start by drawing different emotional faces on a piece of paper or on the fingers of their hands. Asking little children to find a picture for how they feel is a good way to start teaching them about emotions. There are also relatively inexpensive charts available that have 50 or more faces and feelings on them and that can be used for the same purpose. As young people become adolescents, it is especially important to help them identify what they are feeling, first within family relationships and then within peer relationships. Using active listening to acknowledge and validate these emotions is of- ten needed before inviting youngsters into problem-solving discussions. Functional families focus on individual as well as family development: Freedom to grow is encouraged by giving children opportunities to experiment, contribute, challenge, | and try new behaviors. Parents guide rather than control. They use the techniques above to foster learning rather than compliance. The parents collaborate with each other, and they invite children into appropriate collaborations too. A Word or Two About Blended Families and Stepfamilies Everything that we have learned about family systems tells us that, like other systems, they are designed for self-maintenance (or family homeostasis), self-renewal, and creative evolvement. When a new person enters an existing system, there will be those parts of the ll 7 420 PART 2 Theories and Techniques of Family Therapy and Counseling system that try to get the family to return to its original form. We often see children of di- vorced parents who never quite give up the hope that their biological mothers and fathers will get back together. Still, there are also parts of the system that will engage in renewal and evolvement. Stepparents increase the possibilities of renewal and evolvement if they enter the system as an explorer. How does the system work? What are the rules and processes that help it work? A stepparent may be the new spouse of the children’s parent, but not their Can father or mother. A stepparent might have an opportunity to be a friend, but that will require patience, Can caring, active listening, encouragement, accentuating the positive, and natural more than logical consequences—at least initially. Brady-Bunch families never function as smoothly as they appear to do on television. Accepting that there will be difficulties, a long transition period, and two-steps back, now and then, for every step forward is an important awareness Get to bring to the process. At least initially, if a serious intervention or discipline is required, Get! the original parent in the system should handle it, and the stepparent should be released by the spouse from any expectation that she or he should take the place of a missing or divorced parent. Get A Chart for Growing Children Up. _ It is possible to take the techniques and interven- Get tions listed above and place them in relation to desired learning outcomes for children and Eats adolescents. In Table 16.1, I have provided a list of desired behaviors along with training processes and consequences appropriate for the different age levels in children. This is a guide that counselors and therapists can employ easily when engaged in functional-family Eats counseling or consultation. Eats Parenting Difficult Children When problems in the family and/or the behaviors of children become severe and extremely disturbing, cognitive-behavioral family therapists almost always rely on highly structured operant-conditioning processes, as well as the behavioral management practices developed by Gerald Patterson (Patterson 1985; Forgatch & Patterson, 1998) and his associates at the Oregon Social Learning Center. Taken together, these techniques are central to cognitive- behavioral family therapy and include: Primary Reinforcement. Primary reinforcement involves the use of candy and other physical rewards with young children to shape and condition desired behaviors. For ex- ample, if a child likes chocolate pudding, the parent can use this reward as an incentive for the child to act in a certain way or learn a new behavior. Social Reinforcement. Behaviorists quickly learned that the people providing pri- mary reinforcement are, themselves, also reinforcing. The attention, praise, encouragement, and caring that the person provides are often more important than any physical reward. Pairing words like “good job” or “you were great” or “what a nice effort you made” with a child’s actions not only reinforces the child, but also makes the parent a prestigious rein- forcer and a positive influence in the child’s life. Continuous Reinforcement. In the early stages of shaping new behaviors or maintain- ing current ones, reinforcement has to be applied at the same time that the desired behavior occurs and, initially, the reinforcement should happen every time the desired behavior oc- curs. When a child is ready for bed on time every night, the parent plays a game with the child. As long as the child likes playing the game with the parent, getting ready for bed is reinforced. It also takes on the power of being a family routine: It is normal and expected.  ee ii ET il Chapter 16 Parenting for the 21st Century 421 Living in Harmony With Our Children: Table 16.1 Training and Growth Throughout the Day and Throughout Childhood Desired or Expected Behaviors in Children Age Training Process and Consequences Can sleep through the night 1-2 yrs. Gradual and natural process (pay attention to child's need for closeness or personal space.) Can sleep through the night 3+ yrs. If a pattern of waking or getting up at night develops (not due to sickness or other physical problems), let the child cry it out for a minimum of 15 minutes to see if she or he goes back to sleep. Gets up when awakened 1-4 yrs. Call child once; have a morning routine. Gets self up A+ yrs. Get the child an alarm clock and make her or him re- sponsible for getting up. Gets self dressed 4-6 yrs. Choose clothes the night before with the child, and then leave the child to dress self in morning. Gets self dressed 6+ yrs. Put clothes where child can get them, and stay out of it. Eats a good breakfast 1-2 yrs. Breastfeed if at all possible and gradually introduce healthy solid foods. Eats a good breakfast 2-4 yrs. Breastfeed as desired and give child a choice of solid foods: Once the choice is made, stick to it. Eats a good breakfast 4+ yrs. Teach the child to make various breakfasts and then stay out of it. Brushes and flosses teeth 1-2 yrs. Do it with them; make it fun; do not turn the process into a serious operation. Brushes and flosses teeth 2-4 yrs. Make it a game; do it with them after meals; gradually increase the thoroughness of the cleaning. Brushes and flosses teeth 4+ yrs. Make it the child’s responsibility; eliminate sweets and sugar from the house if the child fails to brush and floss regularly. Cleans room 2-5 yrs. Make it a game; do it with the child initially; model a clean room in the adults’ bedroom. Cleans room 5+ yrs. Give the responsibility to the child; keep adults’ rooms ; clean; close the door to the child's room if it stays dirty. Keeps the house clean 2-4 yrs. Ask the child for help; involve the child in daily chores; make it fun. Keeps the house clean A+ yrs. Have a family meeting; have everyone choose a chore or chores they will do for 1 week; then switch the chores around. Has a good memory A+ yrs. Never remind a child; let the child learn from the conse- quences of forgetting. Is able to communicate well and O+ yrs. Talk as often as possible to the child, from infancy to effectively adult life, using as wide a range of language in every- day contexts as possible. (Continued on next page) mi = a aaa —— AN ATA  y Therapy and Counseling 422 PART 2. Theories and Techniques of Famil (Contd.) |, _SS Table 16.1 Desired or Expected nces Age Training Process and Conseque Behaviors in Children ally asks the child to 1-4 yrs. Involve child in daily play that gradu Is creative and inventive toy could be or another way to think about what else a play a game. sy pect rent things; to think in Encourage children to try diffe Is creative and inventive prob lems in their own way; to de- new ways; to solve to follow and develop velop a personal style; to dream; serene75) their talents. nd the child of the 5+ yrs. Set a morning routine; don't remi Leaves on time for school they will need for school; get child on time or anything the way when it is time to go. issue; then act to im- Say “no” once; don’t debate the Respects parent when parent says, plement “no.” " “no an appropriate conse- 2+ yrs. Stop talking immediately; enact Does not talk back to parents ngage from all conversation and quence if needed: dise leave room. c “no”—even if the All whining results in an automati Does not whine at home (including the child alone. parent wants to say “ves”; leave temper tantrums) c “no”—even if the 3+ yrs. All whining results in an automati Does not whine in public (incl uding take the child home. parent wants to say "ves"; temper tantrums) and stop until child is 3+ yrs. Pull over to the side of the road Does not whine or misbehave calm; get out of car if nece ssar y. in the car (including temper tantrums) child in daily peer play. Rives cate As early as possible, involve the ren Gets along well with other child else. ee Remove the victim; say nothing Does not fight with other children any complainers that 2+ yrs. Stay out of the child's fights; tell ren Does not fight with other child they can handle it. respond; walk away. jae | Don't listen to any tattling; do not Does not tattle on other children any reason; if the child Never spank or hit a child for Does not hit other people or anima ls | O+ yrs. for a time-out; if | hits, say “no” and remove the child to | pets are abused, tellthe child that the pet will have w through with the | go to a new home, and then follo ssary (threats never work). consequence, if nece es in the hamper with 2-4 yrs. Make a game of it; put dirty cloth Puts dirty clothes in the hamper the child in wash ing the clothes. the child; involve all possible; only wash A+ yrs. Wash only once a week if at Puts dirty clothes in the hamper clothes that are actua lly in the hamp er. ipal and teachers at 5-10 yrs. Work with PTA or PTO and the princ Handles homework s schoo l to elimi nate home work, since it has your child' ! to serve any educational not been shown in 50 years purpose in the prima ry grade s. and place for home- 5+ yrs. With the child, agree on a time zone during that time; Handles homework work; estab lish a no-n oise home work only if you are asked help the child with e, don't ask about it (it is the child's to help; othe rwis responsibility). (Continued on next page  Chapter 16 Parenting for the 21st Century 423 Table 16.1 (Contd.) Desired or Expected Behaviors in Children Training Process and Consequences Reads books and other written O+ yrs. Read to the child every day until the child can read to materials you; then share the reading. Is able to do arithmetic and 0-2 yrs. Play recordings of Mozart's string concertos and other mathematics well classical music on a daily basis. Is able to do arithmetic and 2+ yrs. Never do for the child what the child can do for self; mathematics well (continue with allow the child to solve problems and learn from conse- music) quences of behavior; allow the child to make and cor rect her/his own mistakes; if possible, teach the child to play a stringed instrument. Enjoys history and geography 5+ yrs. Tell the child stories; have the child interview the grand- parents and listen to their stories; take a walk every day; travel as much as possible (start with the child’s town, then the state, then places beyond the state; and in each place ask about the history and develop- ment of this location). Comes home on time 6-12 yrs. Negotiate a time to come home and then expect the child fairly close to that time; late arrival results in not going out the next time. Comes home on time 12+ yrs. Ask: “What time can | expect you in?” and then, once established, leave it up to the child. Has good friends 3+ yrs. Invite your children’s friends into your home as often as possible; make your child's friends welcome; discuss the value of friendship with older children; have friends yourself and invite them into your home often. Is emotionally well developed 0-3 yrs. Name different emotions you see or experience with your child; vary your expression of emotion; talk about emotions; don't yell or scream at the child. Is emotionally well developed 3+ yrs. Listen to your child’s expression of emotion and reflect (paraphrase) it back to her or him; ask the child to tell you as much as possible about what the feeling is; ask additional questions to help a child problem solve around feelings of sadness or anger (especially those aimed at the parent) emotion coaching. Sets the table for dinner 1-3 yrs. Make it a game; encourage the child. Sets the table for dinner 3+ yrs. When the child chooses this chore for a week, serve dinner only if and when the table is set. Cooks dinner/supper 2-4 yrs. Involve the child in the preparation of meals; have fun and be patient. Cooks dinner/supper 4-8 yrs. Have the child be responsible for parts of the dinner. Cooks dinner/supper 8+ yrs. Have the child take a night in which she or he cooks the dinner or supper. Cleans up the dishes after eating 2-6 yrs. Make clearing the table a game and win the child's help. (Continued on next page) 424 PART 2. Theories and Techniques of Family Therapy and Counseling Table 16.1 (Contd.) Desired or Expected Behaviors in Children Training Process and Consequences Cleans up the dishes after eating 6+ yrs. When the child chooses this chore for a week, prepare food the next day only if the kitchen and the dishes are clean. Does daily or weekly chores 0-3 yrs. Involve the child in daily work; make it fun. Does daily or weekly chores 3+ yrs. Have a family meeting once a week; allow the child(ren) to choose the chores they want to do for 1 week. Takes a bath 0-4 yrs. Make it fun; take it slowly; gradually give the cleaning over to the child. Takes a bath 4+ yrs. Establish a bath-time routine; then stay out of it. Goes to bed on time O+ yrs. Establish a bedtime routine, including a constant bed- time; if the bath is finished and pajamas are on, then read them a story. Stays in bed at night 2+ yrs. Once the parent has said “goodnight,” that’s it; no more talking until the next morning except in a parent- perceived emergency. Stays in bed at night 3+ yrs. If the child gets up at night on a regular basis and comes to be with the parent, the parents should lock their bedroom door and not respond. Sources: © James Robert Bitter, 2004; Dreikurs & Soltz (1964/1991); Glasser (1969); Gottman & DeClaire (1997); Main (1986); Ricker & Crowder (1998, 2000). Intermittent Reinforcement. The strongest kind of reinforcement is intermittent; that is, the reinforcement is applied at intervals rather than every time. In child rearing, it is used to teach patience, persistence, and more complex behaviors. Children who are reinforced in- termittently tend to produce the behavior more often in an effort to keep the reinforcement coming. Most intermittent reinforcement is related either to behavioral production (a fixed or varied ratio) or to a (fixed or varied) amount of time between reinforcements. If I would like my child to learn to play happily with others rather than to get upset and angry, I might start by using continuous reinforcement, noticing every time the child achieves this goal for 10 or 15 minutes. As the child starts to get the hang of give-and-take and happy engagement, I might recognize it only every so often or after a number of different play situations. At such times, an effective reinforcement might be giving the child a big hug and saying, “It was so neat to see you playing happily with John. The two of you were having such fun” Shaping. Shaping is the process of teaching a larger, more complex behavior by start- ing with small, gradual steps that lead in successive approximations (Bandura, 1969) to the desired endpoint. Shaping involves providing reinforcement for each approximation in the behavioral sequence that the child makes. Commonly used in potty-training children, it is also the basis for using allowances to help children learn to handle money. Young chil- dren might get a small allowance every week just to get used to having money. Later, par- ents might want children to have a plan (or budget) for their money and provide additional funds as the child is able to demonstrate planning and responsible money management. When dealing with complex school problems and educational requirements, shaping makes progress possible when the more complex learning seems overwhelming. Helping children break a complex school assignment into separate tasks and acknowledging their efforts and achievements at each step along the way is another example of shaping.  aan Chapter 16 Parenting for the 21st Century 425 Behavioral Extinction. Behaviors that are ignored and/or not reinforced tend to stop or extinguish rather quickly. This is especially true when continuous reinforc