Leaders Must Invest Time Attending to Fears and Feelings PDF

Leaders must either invest a reasonable amountqf. time attending to fears and feelings, OR SQUANDER AN UNREASONABLE AMOUNT OF TIME TRYING TO MANAGE INEFFECTIVE AND UNPRODUCTIVE BEHAVIOR. section In the past, jobs were about muscles, now they're about brains, but in the future they'll be...

Leaders must either invest a reasonable amountqf. time attending to fears and feelings, OR SQUANDER AN UNREASONABLE AMOUNT OF TIME TRYING TO MANAGE INEFFECTIVE AND UNPRODUCTIVE BEHAVIOR. section In the past, jobs were about muscles, now they're about brains, but in the future they'll be about the heart. [---Minouche Shafik,]{.smallcaps} director, London School of Economics **Ihave a thirteen-year-old son, which means I've seen** **every spy thriller and Marvel movie ever made *(Black*** ***Panther* and *Guardians of the Galaxy* at least three** **times). When I think about how and why we self-protect** **against vulnerability, I picture those movie scenes where,** **even after penetrating the heavily fortified perimeter, you** **find there are ten more obstacles to navigate to get to the** **treasure. You've got the infrared security beams, floors** **that drop out beneath you, hidden traps, and of course you** **have the fake contact lens to get past the retina scan. Once** **you shimmy, leap, and fight your way past those impossible** **hurdles, the holy grail is within reach. After all of these** **Herculean power moves, the camera zooms in to show the** **small, unassuming stone that holds within it all the power** **in the world, or the magical elixir that grants its owner im­** **mortality.** At the center of all our elaborate personal security measures and protection schemes lies the most precious treasure of the human experience: the heart. In addition to serving as the life­ giving muscle that keeps blood pumping through our body, it's the universal metaphor for our capacity to love and be loved, and it's the symbolic gateway to our emotional lives. I've always talked about living with an unarmored heart as wholeheartedness. In *The Gifts of Imperfection,* I define whole­ heartedness as "engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, *No matter what gets done and* *how much is left undone, I am enough.* It's going to bed at night thinking, *Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes* *afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am brave, and* *worthy of love and belonging."* Wholeheartedness captures the essence of a fully examined emotional life and a liberated heart, one that is free and vulnera­ ble enough to love and be loved. And a heart that is equally free and vulnerable to be broken and hurt. Rather than protecting and hiding our heart behind bullet­ proof glass, wholeheartedness is about integration. It's integrat­ ing our thinking, feeling, and behavior. It's putting down the armor and bringing forth all of the scraggly, misshapen pieces of our history and folding in all of the different roles that, when falsely separated, keep us feeling exhausted and torn, to make a complex, messy, awesome, whole person. I love that the Latin root of the word *integrate* is *integrare,* "to make whole." Today we pay a lot of lip service to the idea of "bringing your whole self to work"---yet the organizations that actually allow em­ ployees to do that are few and far between. I don't see a tremen­ dous amount of meaningful, actionable support for integration and wholeheartedness in most companies. The slogan is easy. The behaviors to support the slogan are not. There are definitely some companies that embrace whole­ heartedness, but what I often observe is that many organizational cultures and leaders still subscribe to the myth that if we sever the heart (vulnerability and other emotions) from our work, we'll be more productive, efficient, and (don't forget) easier to manage. Or, at the very least, we'll be less messy and less\... well, human. These beliefs lead us to consciously or unconsciously build cul­ tures that require and reward armor. In teams and organizations where heart and emotion, espe­ cially vulnerability, are seen as liabilities, the culture or in some cases individual leaders strike a bargain with our grifter egos to lock up the heart and seal off feelings. They reward armor like perfectionism, emotional stoicism, the false compartmentalizing of our lives and our work, keeping things easy and comfortable instead of embracing the necessary tough and awkward conversa­ tions, and they value all-knowing over always learning and stay­ ing curious. The problem is that when we imprison the heart, we kill cour­ age. In the same way that we depend on our physical heart to pump life-giving blood to every part of our body, we depend on our emotional heart to keep vulnerability coursing through the veins of courage and to engage all of the behaviors we talked about in the prior section, including trust, innovation, creativity, and accountability. And when we become disembodied from our emotions to the point that we literally don't recognize which physical feelings are connected to which emotional feelings, we don't gain control, we lose it. Without our understanding or consent, emotions start driving our decision making and behavior while thinking is tied up in the trunk. On the other hand, when the heart is open and free and we're connected to our emotions and understand what they're telling us, new worlds open up for us, including better de­ cision making and critical thinking, and the powerful experiences of empathy, self-compassion, and resilience. Ego is an eager and willing conspirator when it comes to lock­ ing away the heart. I think of my ego as my inner hustler. It's that voice in my head that drives pretending, performing, pleasing, and perfecting. The ego loves gold stars and craves acceptance and approval. It has no interest in wholeheartedness, just self­ protection and admiration. Our ego will do almost anything to avoid or minimize the dis­ comfort associated with feeling vulnerable or even being curious, because it's too risky. *What will people think? What if I learn* *something unpleasant or uncomfortable about myself?* While the ego is powerful and demanding, it's just a tiny part of who we are. The heart is giant by comparison, and its free, wholehearted wisdom can drown out the smallness of needing to be liked. I love how the Jungian analyst Jim Hollis describes the ego as "that thin wafer of consciousness floating on an iridescent ocean called the soul." He writes, "We are not here to fit in, be well balanced, or pro­ vide exempla for others. We are here to be eccentric, different, perhaps strange, perhaps merely to add our small piece, our little clunky, chunky selves, to the great mosaic of being. As the gods intended, we are here to become more and more ourselves." Protecting our ego and fitting in is why we reach for armor in situations where we think being liked or respected is at risk be­ cause we may be wrong, or not have all of the answers, or might get in over our heads and not look smart enough. We also go on lockdown when our emotions maybe perceived by others in a way that we can't manage or control. *If I'm honest about how I'm feel­* *ing, will I be misunderstood, judged, seen as weak? Will my vul­* *nerability change the way you think of me or my ability?* All of these situations lead to the biggest threat to our ego and our sense of self-worth: shame. Shame is the feeling that washes over us and makes us feel so flawed that we question whether we're worthy of love, belonging, and connection. It's such a powerful ex­ perience and so potentially debilitating that I will spend the next section walking us through shame and its antidote, empathy. But back to the armory: The irony across all self-protection is that at the same time as we're worrying about machine learning and artificial intelligence taking jobs and dehumanizing work, we're intentionally or unintentionally creating cultures that, in­ stead of leveraging the unique gifts of the human heart like vulner­ ability, empathy, and emotional literacy, are trying to lock those gifts away. There are some things that machines and algorithms do better than us for the simple reasons of computing power, quicker elimination of variables that humans either don't see or won't read­ ily dismiss, and the fact that machines have no ego. They don't need to be right to protect their self-worth, so they don't defend or ratio­ nalize, they simply recalculate and recalibrate in an instant. The hopeful news is that there are some tasks that humans will always be able to do better than machines if we are willing to take off our armor and leverage our greatest and most unique asset---the human heart. Those of us who are willing to rumble with vulnerability, live into our values, build trust, and learn to reset will not be threatened by the rise of the machines, because we will be part of the rise of daring leaders. Armored Leadership --------- ----------------------------------------------- *Ol.* DRIVING PERFECTIONISM AND FOSTERING FEAR OF FAILURE *02.* WORKING FROM SCARCITY AND SQUANDERING OPPORTUNITIES FOR JOY AND RECOGNITION *03-* NUMBING *04.* PROPAGATING THE FALSE DICHOTOMY OF VICTIM OR VIKING, CRUSH OR BE CRUSHED *05-* BEING A KNOWER AND BEING RIGHT *06.* HIDING BEHIND CYNICISM *07.* USING CRITICISM AS SELF-PROTECTION *Ob'.* USING POWER OVER *09.* HUSTLING FOR OUR WORTH *10.* LEADING FOR COMPLIANCE AND CONTROL *11.* WEAPONIZING FEAR AND UNCERTAINTY *12.* REWARDING EXHAUSTION AS A STATUS SYMBOL AND ATTACHING PRODUCTIVITY TO SELF-WORTH *^l^3-* TOLERATING DISCRIMINATION, ECHO CHAMBERS, AND A "FITTING IN" CULTURE *14-* COLLECTING GOLD STARS *\>5-* ZIGZAGGING AND AVOIDING *16.* LEADING FROM HURT --------- ----------------------------------------------- Daring Leadership MODELING AMD ENCOURAGING HEALTHY STRIVING, *oi.* EMPATHY, AND SELF-COMPASSION PRACTICING GRATITUDE AND CELEBRATING *02.* MILESTONES AND VICTORIES SETTING BOUNDARIES AND FINDING REAL COMFORT *03.* PRACTICING INTEGRATION-STRONG BACK, SOFT *04.* FRONT, WILD HEART BEING A LEARNER AND GETTING IT RIGHT *05.* MODELING CLARITY, KINDNESS, AND HOPE 06. MAKING CONTRIBUTIONS AND TAKING RISKS *07.* USING POWER WITH, POWER TO, AMD POWER WITHIN *08.* KNOWING OUR VALUE *09.* CULTIVATING COMMITMENT AND SHARED PURPOSE *10.* ACKNOWLEDGING, NAMING, AND NORMALIZING COLLECTIVE FEAR AND UNCERTAINTY MODELING AND SUPPORTING REST, PLAY, *12.* AND RECOVERY CULTIVATING A CULTURE OF BELONGING, INCLUSIVITY, *13.* AND DIVERSE PERSPECTIVES GIVING GOLD STARS *14-* STRAIGHT TALKING AND TAKING ACTION *15.* LEADING FROM HEART 16. Brene Brown The Vulnerability Armory As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vul­ nerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed. We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions, and be­ haviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear. Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection---to be the person who we long to be---we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen. Below are sixteen specific examples of armored leadership that emerged from our current research, along with the daring leader­ ship response to each. The remainder of this section defines each type of armor and then digs into what it means to dare to lead. *How do we put down the armor, and how do we inspire our* *teams to do the same?* The first three---perfectionism, foreboding joy, and numbing--- were the top forms of armor in the original research we did on vulnerability (published in *Daring Greatly),* and they made it onto this list as well. The remaining thirteen emerged as the most common forms of self-protection we see in organizations; how­ ever, I find that they have major application across my life and probably will in yours. 1. Armored Leadership Driving Perfectionism and Fostering Fear of Failure For obvious reasons, I've been writing about perfectionism for as long as I've been writing: *Researcher, heal thyself.* There are also some not so obvious reasons: As a shame researcher, I've learned that wherever perfectionism is driving us, shame is riding shotgun. Like vulnerability, perfectionism is surrounded by mythol­ ogy. Below is what I've learned over the years and shared in some of my other work. Let's start with what perfectionism is *not:* Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excel­ lence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. Perfectionism is not the self-protection we think it is. It is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it's the thing that's really preventing us from being seen. Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule following, people pleasing, appear­ ance, sports). Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: *I am what I* *accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform.* *Perfect. Prove.* Healthy striving is self-focused: *How can* *I improve?* Perfectionism is other-focused: *What will* *people think?* Perfectionism is a hustle. Perfectionism is not the key to success. In fact, research shows that perfectionism hampers achievement. Perfec­ tionism is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis, or missed opportunities. The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people's expecta­ tions, and being criticized keeps us outside the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds. Last, perfectionism is not a way to avoid shame. Perfec­ tionism is a function of shame. Here's how I define perfectionism: Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: *If I look perfect* *and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the* *painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame.* Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because perfection doesn't exist. It's an unattainable goal. Perfectionism is more about perception than internal motivation, and there is no way to control perception, no matter how much time and energy we spend trying. Perfectionism is addictive, because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it's because we weren't perfect enough. Rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to look and do every­ thing just right. Perfectionism actually sets us up to feel shame, judgment, and blame, which then leads to even more shame and self-blame: *It's my fault. I'm feeling this way because I'm* *not good enough.* Daring Leadership Modeling and Encouraging Healthy Striving, Empathy, and Self-Compassion Conversations about perfectionism within trusting and brave teams can be healing and powerful. The goal is to get very clear about where, as a team, we're the most likely to get swallowed by perfectionism, how it shows up, and how we distinguish perfec­ tionism from healthy striving for excellence. Are there ways that we can check in with one another that work for everyone? Are there flags, warning signs, or indicator lights that we can all take responsibility for spotting? I've seen teams that are willing to have these conversations make profound changes, grow closer, in­ crease their performance, and build trust in the process. 2. Armored Leadership Working from Scarcity and Squandering Opportunities for Joy and Recognition When I'm speaking to big groups, I always ask: When something great happens in your life, how many of you start to celebrate only to find yourself thinking, *Don't get too happy, that's just inviting* *disaster?* Arms fly up. You got promoted, you're really excited. You got engaged. You found out you're pregnant. You found out you're going to be a grandparent. Something wonderful happens, and for a brief second you let the joy wash over you---and then five seconds later, the excitement is gone and you're panicked about a bad thing that's going to happen to counter the positive. *When's* *the other shoe going to drop?* For the parents reading this: How many of you have stood over your child while they were sleeping and thought, *Oh, God, I* *love this kid more than I knew was possible,* and in that same second felt fear wash over you and pictured something horrible happening to your child? Statistically, it's about 90 percent of us. Why do we insist on dress-rehearsing tragedy in moments of deep joy? Because joy is the most vulnerable emotion we feel. And that's saying something, given that I study fear and shame. When we feel joy, it is a place of incredible vulnerability---it's beauty and fragility and deep gratitude and impermanence all wrapped up in one experience. When we can't tolerate that level of vulnerability, joy actually becomes foreboding, and we immedi­ately move to self-protection. It's as if we grab vulnerability by the shoulders and say, "You will not catch me off guard. You will not sucker-punch me with pain. I will be prepared and ready for you." So when something joyful happens, we start planning on being hurt. We start planning to deal with the fear of disappoint­ ment. Is this helpful? Of course not. We cannot plan for painful moments---we know this for a fact, because people who have been forced to live through those mo­ ments tell us that there is no amount of catastrophizing or plan­ ning for disaster that prepares you for them. The collateral damage of this instinct is that we squander the joy we need to build up an emotional reserve, the joy that allows us to build up resilience for when tragic things do happen. At work, foreboding joy often shows up in more subtle and pernicious ways. It shows up by making us hesitant to celebrate victories, for two primary reasons. The first is that we're afraid if we celebrate with our team, or have a moment where we just breathe, we're inviting disaster and something will go wrong. You can likely identify with that feeling of getting a project up and out the door and then refusing to celebrate it with high-fives because you think, *We can't celebrate right now because we don't know if* *it's going to be perfect, we don't know if it's going to work, we* *don't know if the site will stay up \...* The second way foreboding joy shows up at work is withhold­ ing recognition. We don't want our employees to get too excited because there's still so much work to be done. We don't want them to take their foot off the gas, to get complacent. So we don't cele­ brate achievements. We think we'll do it someday, but these same factors persist in the wake of joy. This is how foreboding joy shows up at the office, and it is a costly mistake. Daring Leadership Practicing Gratitude and Celebrating Milestones and Victories What is the one thing that people who can fully lean into joy have in common? Gratitude. They practice gratitude. It's not an "attitude of gratitude"---it's an actual practice. They keep a journal, or make a note of what they're grateful for on their phones, or share it with family members. From the day the finding about gratitude emerged from the data, our family put it into practice at the dinner table. Now, after we sing grace (summer camp style), we each share one specific instance of gratitude with the table. It's changed us. And it's given us an invaluable window into our kids' lives and hearts. Embodying and practicing gratitude changes everything. It is not a personal construct, it's a human construct---a unifying part of our existence---and it's the antidote to foreboding joy, plain and simple. It's allowing yourself the pleasure of accomplishment, or love, or joy---of really feeling it, of basking in it---by conjuring up gratitude for the moment and for the opportunity. It's allowing yourself to recognize the shiver of vulnerability--- that "Oh, shit, I have something worth losing now" feeling---and to just sit with it, and be grateful that you have something you want, in your hand, that it feels good to hold and recognize. Something as simple as starting or ending meetings with a gratitude check, when everyone shares one thing they're grateful for, can build trust and connection, serve as container-building, and give your group permission to lean into joy. Earlier this year I gave the opening keynote address at Work- Human, an HR conference put on by Globoforce, a provider of recognition programs and solutions. I said yes to the invitation to speak because recognition has emerged from our daring leader­ ship data as essential to developing brave leaders and courage cul­ tures. I had read several articles that show recognition is a factor in increasing employee engagement, satisfaction, and retention in an increasingly competitive global talent market. But I hadn't read any case studies, so I jumped into some of the leader and peer recognition work that Globoforce has been doing. Globoforce worked with Cisco to use recognition to boost em­ ployee engagement by 5 percent, and with Intuit to achieve and sustain a double-digit increase in employee engagement over a large employee base that spans six countries. Hershey's recogni­ tion approach helped increase employee satisfaction by 11 per­ cent. And for Linkedln, retention rates are nearly 10 percentage points higher for new hires who are recognized four or more times. Whether we're leading a group or a member of the team, whether we're working in a formal or informal recognition pro­ gram, it is our responsibility to say to the people who work along­ side us: "We've got to stop and celebrate one another and our victories, no matter how small. Yes, there's more work to be done, and things could go sideways in an hour, but that will never take away from the fact that we need to celebrate an accomplishment right now." 3. Armored Leadership Numbing We all numb. We all have different numbing agents of choice­ food, work, social media, shopping, television, video games, porn, booze (from beer in a brown paper bag to the socially acceptable but equally dangerous "fine wine" hobby)---but we all do it. And when we chronically and compulsively turn to these numbing agents, it's addiction, not just taking the edge off. Statistically, every person holding this book is affected by ad­ diction. If it's not you, then it could be a friend, colleague, or fam­ ily member. No matter who or how, if you're paying attention, you've had a front row seat to the pain, the suffering, and the costs. According to the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc., 70 percent of the estimated 14.8 million Amer­ icans who use illegal drugs are employed, and drug abuse costs employers \$81 billion annually. There is no us and them when it comes to numbing---we all do it. The question is to what degree. And, when we're talking about the pain surrounding addiction, it's never a self-contained storm, it's a tornado. Numbing or taking the edge off doesn't have the same conse­ quences as addiction, but they are nonetheless severe and life­ altering for one reason: We *cannot* selectively numb emotion. If we numb the dark, we numb the light. If we take the edge off pain and discomfort, we are, by default, taking the edge off joy, love, belonging, and the other emotions that give meaning to our lives. Think of hard emotions as thorns with very sharp points. When they prick us, they cause discomfort, even pain. Just the anticipation or fear of these feelings can trigger intolerable levels of vulnerability in us. We know it's coming. For many of us, the first response to the vulnerability and dis­ comfort of these sharp points is not to lean into the discomfort and feel our way through, but to make it go away. We do that by numbing and taking the edge off the pain with whatever provides the quickest relief. Again, we can anesthetize with a whole bunch of stuff including alcohol, drugs, food, sex, relationships, money, work, caretaking, gambling, staying busy, affairs, chaos, shop­ ping, planning, perfectionism, constant change, and the Internet. I've been sober for over twenty years, and I've always strug­ gled to figure out where I fit into the recovery system. We're al­ most back to the Berenstain Bears---nothing fit quite right. I wasn't quite drunk enough for the old-timers at AA; the OA peo­ ple sent me to a meeting on codependency; and there they said I needed to start with AA. I wanted to take the frustrating process as a sign that I was just fine and celebrate with a few beers, but I knew better. My life was out of control, and a family history exer­ cise during my final month of grad school was an unexpected ad­ diction shitshow, so I asked a friend to take me to a meeting. Two meetings in, my first sponsor said, "You have the pupu platter of addictions---a little bit of everything. Just to be safe, it would be best if you just quit drinking, smoking, comfort eating, and getting in your family's business." *Awesome. I'll definitely have some free time for meetings.* I never found "my" meeting, but I did quit drinking and smok­ ing the day after I finished my master's degree on May 12, 1996, and I haven't touched alcohol or tobacco since. Confession: I still fantasize about smoking when I'm driving and Bob Seger or the Rolling Stones come on. If you see me holding a pen like a ciga­ rette driving down the road, know that there's something great on the radio. I ultimately worked the AA program for a year, and let me just tell you, all the slogans are true. It does look like a *Saturday Night* *Live* skit where there are ten posters hanging in a row on a wood- paneled wall in a church basement, but they are the damn truth, and if you live by them, they will rock your world. A friend of mine, who is also in recovery, said, "Leave it to a bunch of drunks in recovery to unlock the secrets of life." Among them: Wherever you go, there you are. You're only as sick as your secrets. Easy does it. One day at a time. Live and let live. To thine own self be true. HALT: Don't get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Let go and let God. (I knew I was in trouble when my therapist reminded me that this is the saying---not "Let go and let Brene." *Ouch.)* Daring Leadership Setting Boundaries and Finding Real Comfort Our research shows that participants named vulnerability, resent­ ment, and anxiety as the biggest drivers of numbing, and resentment is almost always related to a lack of boundaries. We're knee-high in vulnerability now, and we'll dig into anxiety in a later section, and then the relationship between resentment and boundaries in the part on trust-building. For now, stay on the lookout for resentment in your life when you're into hour three on Facebook, when you are about to finish off the entire pint of Ben & Jerry's, or when you have just spent most of your paycheck online shopping. The bottom line? Like most of you, I wasn't raised with the skills and emotional practice needed to rumble with vulnerabil­ ity. So I resorted to numbing---over time I basically became an anything-to-take-the-edge-off-aholic. But there are no specific programs for that, so I cobbled together a plan of meetings, a great therapist, and new spiritual practices that work for me. In the end, the cure for numbing is developing tools and prac­ tices that allow you to lean into discomfort and renew your spirit. First, when we're feeling that edge, instead of asking our­ selves "What's the quickest way to make these feelings go away?," ask, "What are these feelings and where did they come from?" Second, figure out what brings you real comfort and renewal, not just numbing. We deserve real comfort. The author Jennifer Louden calls our numbing devices "shadow comforts." When we're anxious, disconnected, vulnerable, alone, and feeling help­ less, booze and food and work and binge-watching endless hours of TV feel like comfort, but in reality they're only casting their long shadows over our lives. Louden writes, "Shadow comforts can take any form\.... It's not what you do; it's why you do it that makes the difference. You can eat a piece of chocolate as a holy wafer of sweetness---a real comfort---or you can cram an entire chocolate bar into your mouth without even tasting it in a frantic attempt to soothe yourself---a shadow comfort. You can chat on message boards for half an hour and be energized by community and ready to go back to work, or you can chat on message boards because you're avoiding talking to your partner about how angry he or she made you last night." What emerged from the data on numbing was exactly what Louden speaks to: "It's not what you do; it's why you do it that makes the difference." The invitation is to think about the inten­ tion behind our numbing choices and, if helpful, to discuss these issues with family, close friends, or a helping professional. Curbing comfort eating is a lifelong project for me, but I still work the steps and keep the posters hanging in the church base­ ment of my mind. One of my most important self-care behaviors is my daily walking routine. So one tangible thing I do to avoid numbing with food is keep a Polaroid picture of my walking shoes in the pantry. *Am I actually hungry, or would a walk bring me* *more real comfort?* I've also spent over a decade working on setting and maintain­ ing appropriate boundaries, especially with regard to my over­ achiever role as family caretaker. I may never get my Six Sigma project management certification, but I've earned a black belt in boundaries. Funny story: Apparently my secret nickname with one of our external partners was BB---not for my name, but for "Bound­ aries Brown." When they learned that the secret was out and I knew about the nickname, they were embarrassed and apologetic. My reply: "No apologies necessary. Best compliment of my life." At work, we need to support healthy rumbles with vulnerabil­ ity, to respect boundaries, and to practice calm in the sea of anxi­ ety. And when it comes to addiction, employers with successful employee assistance programs report improvements in morale and productivity and decreases in absenteeism, accidents, down­ time, turnover, and theft. Employers with long-standing pro­ grams also report better health status among employees and family members. 4. Armored Leadership Propagating the False Dichotomy of Victim or Viking, Crush or Be Crushed Winner or loser, survive or die, kill or be killed, strong or weak, leaders or followers, success or failure, crush or be crushed. Sound familiar? This is the philosophy of people who subscribe to the paradigm of Victim or Viking. In this binary world of paired op­ posites, you're either a sucker/loser who always gets the short end of the stick, or you're a Viking who refuses to be victimized. You'll do whatever is required---control, dominate, exert power, shut down emotion---to ensure that you're never vulnerable. This win-lose zero-sum power dynamic is pervasive in some professions, but it's also attributable to how people were raised. If it was your primary model growing up, you are liable to believe in a false and extreme dichotomy: that if you don't do the crushing, you won't survive. When I interview people who operate from a Victim or Viking perspective, I often ask them to define success. While survival or winning may mean success in some contexts, when you strip away real threat, survival is not living. We all need to belong, and we all need love, and neither is possible without vulnerability and inte­ gration. Daring Leadership Practicing Integration---Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart The opposite of living in a world of false binaries is practicing integration---the act of bringing together all the parts of ourselves, as we talked about earlier. We are all tough and tender, scared and brave, grace and grit. The most powerful example of integration--- a practice that I wrote about in *Braving the Wilderness* and that I try to live by---is strong back, soft front, wild heart. Here's what my teacher Roshi Joan Halifax says about the integration of strong back and soft front: All too often our so-called strength comes from fear, not love; instead of having a strong back, many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine. In other words, we walk around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence. If we strengthen our backs, meta­ phorically speaking, and develop a spine that's flexible but sturdy, then we can risk having a front that's soft and open\.... How can we give and accept care with strong- back, soft-front compassion, moving past fear into a place of genuine tenderness? I believe it comes about when we can be truly transparent, seeing the world clearly---and let­ ting the world see into us. For me, that strong back is grounded confidence and bound­ aries. The soft front is staying vulnerable and curious. The mark of a wild heart is living out these paradoxes in our lives and not giving into the either/or BS that reduces us. It's showing up in our vulnerability and our courage, and, above all else, being both fierce and kind. 5. Armored Leadership Being a Knower and Being Right Having to be the "knower" or always being right is heavy armor. It's defensiveness, it's posturing, and, worst of all, it's a huge driver of bullshit. It's also very common---most of us have some degree of knower in us. Too often we stereotype the knower as the irritating but lovable Cliff Clavin from the TV show *Cheers.* Unfortunately, needing to know everything is pretty miserable for the knowers and everyone around them. It leads to dis­ trust, bad decisions, unnecessary rumbles, and unproductive conflict. It sounds pretty easy to replace the armor of knowing with becoming a curious learner, but for many people the need to be a knower is driven by shame and for some even trauma. Being the knower can save people in hard situations, and it's easy to buy into the belief that being a knower is the only value we bring to relationships and work. Knowing can also become a culture problem when only some people are valued as knowers. Others don't speak up because they're not "senior enough" or it's "not their place." One leader shared that he had been with his new company for six months and had never contributed in a meeting. He was brought in because of his twenty-plus years of experience, yet he was expected to be quiet in the meetings because of cultural norms that valued only the contributions of tenured leaders. Daring Leadership Being a Learner and Getting It Right There are three strategies that I've seen work to transform *always* *knowing* into *always learning.* First, name the issue. It's a tough conversation, but clear is kind: *I'd like for you to work on your* *curiosity and critical thinking skills. You're often quick with an­* *swers, which can be helpful, but not as helpful as having the* *right questions, which is how you'll grow as a leader. We can* *work together on this.* Knowers often have a lot of people talking behind their backs, and that's unkind. Second, make learning cu­ riosity skills a priority. Third, acknowledge and reward great questions and instances of "I don't know, but I'd like to find out" as daring leadership behaviors. The big shift here is from wanting to "be right" to wanting to "get it right." After these sections on rumbling with vulnerability, we're going to break down the skills and tools for curiosity and learning. 6. Armored Leadership Hiding Behind Cynicism Cynicism and sarcasm are first cousins who hang out in the cheap seats. But don't underestimate them---they often leave a trail of hurt feelings, anger, confusion, and resentment in their wake. I've seen them bring down relationships, teams, and cultures when modeled by people at the highest levels and/or left unchecked. Like most hurtful comments and passive-aggressiveness, cynicism and sar­ casm are bad in person and even worse when they travel through email or text. And, in global teams, culture and language differ­ ences make them toxic. I mean, the word *sarcasm* is from the Greek word *sarkazein,* meaning "to tear flesh." *Tear. Flesh.* In a world roiled by incessant and tumultuous change, swamped by boatloads of fear and anxiety and rampant feelings of scarcity, cynicism and sarcasm are easy and cheap. In fact, I'd say that they're worse than armor---we use cynicism and sarcasm as get-out-of-contributing-free cards. Daring Leadership Modeling Clarity, Kindness, and Hope The antidote to sarcasm and cynicism is threefold: 1. Staying clear and kind. 2. Practicing the courage to say what you mean and mean 3. If what's under cynicism and sarcasm is despair, the anti­ Again, while a cynic might argue that someone who clings to hope is a sucker, or ridiculously earnest, this type of armor typically comes from pain. Often, people's cynicism is related to despair. As the theologian Rob Bell explains, "Despair is the belief that tomor­ row will be just like today." That is a devastating line. The problem with cynicism and sarcasm is that they are typically system- and culturewide---it's just so easy to take shots at other people. As brave leaders, it is essential not to reward or allow it. Reward clarity and kindness and real conversation, and teach hope instead. 7. Armored Leadership Using Criticism as Self-Protection As Roosevelt said, "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better." Open, honest discussion, in which everyone feels free to offer suggestions and contribute, stimulates creativity. But innovation is hindered by allowing crit­ icism from the cheap seats---from those who aren't willing to get down into the arena. There are two forms of criticism that can be a little harder to recognize: nostalgia and the invisible army. Sometimes when a new idea hits the table, the knee-jerk reaction is "That's not how we do it" or "We've never done it that way." People use history to criticize different thinking. We can also use the invisible army: *"We* don't want to change course," or *"We* don't like the direction you're taking the project." I hate the invisible army, and if you use it with me I will drill you down on exactly who makes up your *we.* On more than one occasion, Chaz has had to stop me from saying "What? You got a mouse in your pocket?" Voicing and owning our concern is brave. Pretending that we represent a lot of folks when we don't is cheap-seat behavior. Criticism often arises from fear or feelings of unworthiness. Criticism shifts the spotlight off us and onto someone or some­ thing else. Suddenly we feel safer. And better than. Daring Leadership Making Contributions and Taking Risks At the end of the day, at the end of the week, at the end of my life, I want to say I contributed more than I criticized. It's that simple. If you find yourself leading a team or culture in which criticism outweighs contribution, make a conscious and resolute decision to stop rewarding the former. In fact, turn contribution into a rumble skill. In our company, you aren't allowed to criticize without offering a point of view in return---if you're going to tear something down, you have to offer a specific plan for how you would rebuild it to make it stronger and more substantial. In fact, even if there's nothing to criticize, we still require everyone who comes into any meeting to come with a prepared point of view and then share it. This supercharges contri­ bution and puts everyone into the arena, where the stakes are high. Your point of view can shift as new data emerge, but you still have to participate and risk a little dirt and blood on your face. The peo­ ple who count are the people who are putting themselves out there and making contributions, cheap seats be damned. 8. Armored Leadership Using Power Over In a 1968 speech given to striking sanitation workers in Memphis, Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr., defined power as the ability to achieve purpose and effect change. This is the most accurate and important definition of power that I've ever seen. The definition does not make the nature of power inherently good or bad, which aligns with what I've learned in my work. What makes power dan­ gerous is how it's used. Organizational life is inherently hierarchical, with very few exceptions. Those at the top hold a majority of the power, thanks to their proximity to the ultimate power holder (the CEO, founder, president, or board of directors)---the higher up you are, the more likely you are to have access to the meetings behind closed doors, the private spaces where the biggest decisions are discussed and made. Hierarchy can work, except when those in leadership posi­ tions hold *power over* others---when their decisions benefit the minority and oppress the majority. What's perhaps most insidious in *power over* dynamics is that those who are powerless typically repeat the same behavior when the tables are turned and they are promoted into power. We see this in hazing rituals, and we see it in the perpetuation of poli­ cies that do not support the disenfranchised. *Why should I care* *about young working mothers when nobody cared about me?* The phrase *power over* is typically enough to send chills down spines: When someone holds power over us, the human spirit's instinct is to rise, resist, and rebel. As a construct it feels wrong; in the wider geopolitical context it can mean death and despotism. Daring Leadership Using Power With, Power To, and Power Within In their publication *Making Change Happen: Power,* Just Asso­ ciates, a global interdisciplinary network of activists, organizers, educators, and scholars, defines three variations of power within the context of social justice and activism. They are equally help­ ful in organizations, as they present pathways where team mem­ bers can maintain their own agency and recognize their own sources of power, in a way that ladders up to the greatest good. In our culture, we often talk about "empowering" people, but it's a nebulous concept that's difficult to define. What does that actu­ ally mean? I think these three elements make clear the work we need to do. Power with "has to do with finding common ground among different interests in order to build collective strength. Based on mutual support, solidarity, collaboration, and recognition and re­ spect for differences, *power with* multiplies individual talents, knowledge, and resources to make a larger impact." Power to translates to giving everyone on your team agency and acknowledging their unique potential. It is "based on the belief that each individual has the power to make a difference, which can be multiplied by new skills, knowledge, awareness, and confidence." Power within is defined by an ability to recognize differences and respect others, grounded in a strong foundation of self-worth and self-knowledge. When we operate from a place of *power* *within,* we feel comfortable challenging assumptions and long- held beliefs, pushing against the status quo, and asking if there aren't other ways to achieve the highest common good. 9. Armored Leadership Hustling for Your Worth When people don't understand where they're strong and where they deliver value for the organization or even for a single effort, they hustle. And not the good kind of hustle. The kind that's hard to be around because we are jumping in everywhere, including where we're not strong or not needed, to prove we deserve a seat at the table. When we do not understand our value, we often exaggerate our importance in ways that are not helpful, and we consciously or unconsciously seek attention and validation of importance. We put more value on being right than on getting it right. It creates franticness instead of calm cooperation. Daring Leadership Knowing Your Value Daring leaders sit down with their team members and have real rumbles with them about the unique contributions they make, so that everyone knows where they're strong. Remember too that sometimes we overlook our own strengths because we take them for granted and forget that they're special. I'm a strong storyteller, the provenance of my upbringing---I some­ times forget that I'm uniquely equipped to do this because it's easy for me. Tuck your team members in around the areas where they quickly achieve flow---those are typically where they are particularly primed to contribute value. As Ken Blanchard, the author of the 1982 bestselling leadership guide *The One Minute Manager,* explains, "Catch people doing things right." It's much more powerful than collecting behaviors that are wrong. Getting clear on our value and our team members' values will revolutionize our company and create lanes where none might have existed before---instead of a ten-person race, we start to de­ velop a coordinated relay in which team members baton-toss to each other's strengths instead of vying to run the whole stretch alone. Once everyone understands their value, we stop hustling for worthiness and lean into our gifts. 10. Armored Leadership Leading for Compliance and Control Note: The compliance we're talking about is not legal, safety, or pri­ vacy compliance or organizational compliance (e.g., vetting part­ners, wearing a hairnet, setting the alarm code on your way out, or putting in a vacation request with two weeks' advance notice). The armor of compliance and control is normally about fear and power. When we come from this place, we often engage in two armored behaviors: 1. We reduce work to tasks and to-dos, then spend our time ensuring that people are doing exactly what we want, how we want it---and then constantly calling them out when they're doing it wrong. The armor of compliance and control leads us to strip work of its nuance, context, and larger purpose, then push it down for task comple­ tion, all while using the fear of "getting caught" as moti­ vation. Not only is this ineffective, it shuts down creative problem solving, the sharing of ideas, and the foundation of vulnerability. It also leaves people miserable, question­ ing their abilities, and even desperate to leave. The less people understand how their hard work adds value to bigger goals, the less engaged they are. It becomes a self- fulfilling prophecy of failure and frustration. 2. When we operate from compliance and control, we also have a tendency to hold on to power and authority, and push only responsibility down. This leads to huge align­ ment issues for people. They've been asked to do some­ thing that they don't actually have the authority to ac­ complish. They're not set up for success, so they fail. This just reinforces our power and resentment loop: *I knew* *I should have done it myself. I'll be responsible for this,* *you just do these small tasks that you can handle* versus *Let's dig into how we could have set you up for success. I* *know I have apart.* Daring Leadership Cultivating Commitment and Shared Purpose Daring leaders, even in compliance-driven and highly structured industries like banking, healthcare, and the food industry, create and share context and color. They take the time to explain the "why" behind strategies, and how tasks link to ongoing priorities and mission work. Rather than handing down black-and-white mandates stripped of story, they hold themselves responsible for adding texture and meaning to work and tying smaller tasks to the larger purpose. We used to utilize the Apple DRI model, appointing someone as the "directly responsible individual" for a specific task and re­ cording their duty in the meeting minutes. But what we learned is that despite the team member's willingness to own it and be held accountable for executing, they didn't always have the authority to be successful. We're currently switching to a TASC approach: the Accountability and Success Checklist: 1. T---Who owns the task? 2. A---Do they have the authority to be held accountable? 3. S---Do we agree that they are set up for success (time, 4. C---Do we have a checklist of what needs to happen to ac­ We also borrowed the Scrum technique of "What does 'done' look like?" when we assigned tasks, responsibilities, and deliver­ ables. It was a *huge* improvement for us, but we needed to tweak it because it didn't address the need for tying deliverables to our pur­ pose. For example, I'm out of town with my colleagues Murdoch and Barrett facilitating a daring leadership workshop. I ask them to collect one role-play scenario from everyone participating in our two-day training while I'm meeting with the CEO. I want to use these scenarios the next day. Later that evening, they slide a folder stuffed with handwritten scenarios under my hotel door. I wake up the next morning and panic. Now I have to sort through them and type them up. I'm frustrated with Murdoch and Barrett, and they have no idea why. The next time, I ask for the same thing, but Murdoch replies with "Sure. What does done look like?" I say, "Please type them up, and you and Barrett should pick three that are specific enough to be meaningful but general enough to apply across the group. It would be helpful if I could get them before eight [p.m. so]{.smallcaps} I can review them tonight." Huge improvement. But wait\... Same scenario, but instead of saying "Sure. What does done look like?" Murdoch says "Sure. Let's paint done." Rather than slinging directives *West Wing* walk-and-talk style, we find Barrett and talk for five minutes. I say, "Here's my plan. I want to collect scenarios from the participants today so we have new role-plays for the group tomorrow. I don't want to reuse the ones we brought and used today. They're really struggling with these hard conversations, and the more specific the scenar­ ios are to their issues and culture, the more helpful the role­ playing will be. My plan is to have you collect them and sort through them tonight, looking for ones that are specific but have broad appeal. I'd like y'all to type up three of them and make cop­ ies. Instead of breaking the group into pairs, I want to do triads with one person observing and supporting. So, if we have three role-plays for each group, they can each take a turn." Murdoch and Barrett think about it for a minute, then Barrett says, "One issue is that everyone here today is from operations. Tomorrow is the marketing team. Will that affect the relatability of the role-plays?" Me: "Dammit. It totally changes what I'm thinking. Thank you." Paint done. For us, it's significantly more helpful than "What does done look like?" because it unearths stealth expectations and unsaid intentions, and it gives the people who are charged with the task tons of color and context. It fosters curiosity, learn­ ing, collaboration, reality-checking, and ultimately success. One more scenario: [Ben:]{.smallcaps} Hey, Brene! Please pull all of the invoices together for me by four o'clock. [Brene:]{.smallcaps} Okay. Two hours later: [Brene:]{.smallcaps} Here you go! [Ben:]{.smallcaps} What is this? [Brene:]{.smallcaps} It's your invoices. [Ben:]{.smallcaps} I needed them back to 2005, and in date order. Now I'm not ready for my meeting with the CFO. [Brene: How]{.smallcaps} was I supposed to know that? BEN AND BRENE ARE VERY FRUSTRATED. Paint done and TASC [Ben:]{.smallcaps} Hey, Brene! Please pull all of the invoices together for me by four o'clock. [Brene:]{.smallcaps} Okay. Paint done for me. [Ben:]{.smallcaps} Pull everything back to 2005, and put them in date order. [Brene:]{.smallcaps} That's the whole picture? [Ben:]{.smallcaps} Yeah. I need to track the expenses for two books. [Brene:]{.smallcaps} Wait. I don't understand. We didn't track expenses on invoices before 2007. You'll need separate receipts. [Ben:]{.smallcaps} Can you get those too? [Brene:]{.smallcaps} Yes, but not by four. What specifically do you need for your meeting? Paint done. [Ben:]{.smallcaps} I'm trying to make the point that the shift in how we for­ mat our invoices actually changed expense categorizations. [Brene:]{.smallcaps} I don't think you need to pull everything. There's a better way to do that. And I can get it done and put it in a graph for you by four. [Ben:]{.smallcaps} Thanks so much. That would be awesome. What sup­ port do you need from me to get this done? Anything that you can think of that will get in your way? [Brene:]{.smallcaps} I'll need to clear my plate for the next two hours. [Ben:]{.smallcaps} I'll take care of that if you'll jump on it. [Brene: You]{.smallcaps} got it. [Ben:]{.smallcaps} I really appreciate it. TASC: The Accountability and Success Checklist 1\. Task---Brene owns the task. 2\. Accountability---Ben has given Brene the necessary 3. Success---Their conversation ensured that Brene is set up 4. Checklist---Check! We want people to share our commitment to purpose and mission, not to comply because they're afraid not to. That's ex- hausting and unsustainable for everyone. Leaders who work from compliance constantly feel disappointed and resentful, and their teams feel scrutinized. Compliance leadership also kills trust, and, ironically, it can increase people's tendency to test what they can get away with. We want people to police themselves and to deliver above and beyond expectations. Painting done and using a TASC approach cultivates commitment and contribution, giving team members the space and the trust to stretch and learn and allowing joy and creativity to be found in even the small tasks. 11. Armored Leadership Weaponizing Fear and Uncertainty In times of uncertainty, it is common for leaders to leverage fear and then weaponize it to their advantage. Unfortunately, it's been an easy formula throughout history---in politics, religion, and business---that if you can keep people afraid, and give them an enemy who is responsible for their fear, you can get people to do just about anything. This is the playbook for authoritarian leaders here and around the globe. In the short term it's relatively easy for leaders to stir up scar­ city and promise to deliver more certainty with easy answers and a common enemy to blame. But in the face of complex problems, that certainty is quite literally impossible to fulfill. Daring and ethical leaders fight against this brand of leadership. Daring Leadership Acknowledging, Naming, and Normalizing Collective Fear and Uncertainty In the midst of uncertainty and fear, leaders have an ethical re­ sponsibility to hold their people in discomfort---to acknowledge the tumult but not fan it, to share information and not inflate or fake it. Daring leaders acknowledge, name, and normalize dis­ cord and difference without fueling divisiveness or benefiting from it. When we are managing during a time of scarcity or deep un­ certainty, it is imperative that we embrace the uncertainty. We need to tell our teams that we will share as much as we're able when we're able. We need to be available to fact-check the stories that our team members might be making up, because in scarcity we invent worst-case scenarios. We need to open up the room for rumbling around vulnerability. There is incredible relief and power in naming and normaliz­ ing fear and uncertainty. We have to find the courage to look back at the people who are looking at us for leadership and say, "This is difficult. There are no simple answers. There is pain and fear that would be easy to unload on others---but that would be unfair and out of our integrity. We will walk through this in a way that makes us feel proud. It will be hard, but we will do it together." 12. Armored Leadership Rewarding Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Attaching Productivity to Self-Worth I wrote about this armor in my 2010 book, *The Gifts of Imperfec­* *tion,* at a time of cultural crisis around busyness and sleep depri­ vation. Things might be moderately better now---there's definitely a growing awareness that insufficient sleep contributes to diabe­ tes, heart disease, depression, and even fatal accidents---but we still struggle as a society around pegging our self-worth to our net worth. When worthiness is a function of productivity, we lose the ability to pump the brakes: The idea of doing something that doesn't add to the bottom line provokes stress and anxiety. It feels completely contrary to what we believe we want to achieve in life---we convince ourselves that downtime, like playing with our kids, hanging out with our partners, napping, tooling around in the garage, or going for a run, is a waste of precious time. Why sleep when you can work? And aren't treadmill desks supposed to be a replacement for a long Sunday run anyway? (I actually don't have anything against treadmill desks, as we all sit too much.) Daring Leadership Modeling and Supporting Rest, Play, and Recovery The work of Dr. Stuart Brown, a psychiatrist, clinical researcher, and founder of the National Institute for Play, would argue that this lack of downtime, this lack of play, has a deleterious effect on our output in the office. In our desperate search for joy in our lives, we missed the memo: If we want to live a life of meaning and contribution, we have to become intentional about cultivating sleep and play. We have to let go of exhaustion, busyness, and pro­ ductivity as status symbols and measures of self-worth. We are impressing no one. What's more, according to Brown's research, play shapes our brain, fosters empathy, helps us navigate complex social groups, and is at the core of creativity and innovation. In some ways, it helps our overheated brain cool down. To weave this into office culture, leaders need to model appropriate boundaries by shut­ ting off email at a reasonable time and focusing on themselves and their family. Do not celebrate people who work through the weekend, who brag that they were tethered to their computers over Christmas break. Ultimately, it's unsustainable behavior, and it has dangerous side effects, including burnout, depression, and anxiety---it also creates a culture of workaholic competitive­ ness that's detrimental for everyone. As Stuart Brown says, "The opposite of play is not work---the opposite of play is depression." 13. Armored Leadership Tolerating Discrimination, Echo Chambers, and a \"Fitting-in\" Culture In my 2017 book, *Braving the Wilderness,* I share this definition of true belonging: True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn't require you to *change* who you are; it requires you to *be* who you are. The greatest barrier to true belonging is fitting in or changing who we are so we can be accepted. When we create a culture of fitting in and seeking approval at work, we are not only stifling individuality, we are inhibiting people's sense of true belonging. People desperately want to be part of something, and they want to experience profound connection with others, but they don't want to sacrifice their authenticity, freedom, or power to do it. Daring Leadership Cultivating a Culture of Belonging, Inclusivity, and Diverse Perspectives Only when diverse perspectives are included, respected, and val­ ued can we start to get a full picture of the world: who we serve, what they need, and how to successfully meet people where they are. Daring leaders fight for the inclusion of all people, opinions, and perspectives because that makes us all better and stronger. That means having the courage to acknowledge our own privilege, and staying open to learning about our biases and blind spots. We also have to watch for favoritism---the development of cliques or in/out groups. I often do focus groups with employees, and about half the time I hear people in their thirties, forties, fif­ ties, and even sixties still talk about the "cool kids at work" and the "popular table in the cafeteria." Sometimes the quality that defines the "in group" is achievement or seniority, and sometimes it's identity. Daring leaders work to make sure people can be themselves and feel a sense of belonging. Previously mentioned daring lead­ ership strategies that promote this sense of belonging include rec­ ognizing achievement; validating contribution; developing a system that includes power with, power to, and power within; and knowing your value. 14. Armored Leadership Collecting Gold Stars It is natural to want to be recognized for our achievements. Early in our careers, when we're individual contributors, collecting gold stars is fine---particularly if it's driven by healthy striving rather than perfectionism. It can, in fact, be essential for figuring out where we add the most value when we're still at a stage where we're figuring out where we're strong (see "hustling" above). But once we transition into management or leadership roles, winning medals and stockpiling ribbons is no longer the goal, and it can be counterproductive to effective leadership. Daring Leadership Giving Gold Stars It sounds counterintuitive, but what got us promoted in the first place, and what made us indispensable to the organization, can get in the way of good leadership skills. Rewarding others rather than seeking to be rewarded is the only way to continue to grow within an organization, and to fully embody the mantle of daring leadership. In a daring leadership role, it's time to lift up our teams and help them shine. This is one of the most difficult hurdles of ad­ vancement, particularly for those of us who are used to hustling, or don't know exactly where we contribute value once the areas where we contributed value before are delegated to those coming up behind us. For this reason, it is essential that leadership be one of the explicit priorities for anyone in a role with direct reports---it cannot be a tacked-on assumption or done in our spare time. Bill Gentry talks about the need to "flip the script" when we find ourselves in a new role as a leader. His book *Be the Boss Ev­* *eryone Wants to Work For: A Guide for New Leaders* is smart, practical skill-building for those of us who are reluctant to give up our star collecting. 15. Armored Leadership Zigzagging and Avoiding When I was in third grade, we lived in New Orleans, and my par­ ents took me and my brother fishing in a swamp. When we got there, the caretaker of the land said, "If a gator comes atcha, run a zigzag pattern---they're quick but they ain't good at makin' turns." Well, we were only there five minutes before a gator snapped off the end of my mom's fishing pole. Mercifully, it never tried to chase us; had it, I assure you that we would have all zig­ zagged back to the car like crazy. Zigzagging is a metaphor for the energy we spend trying to dodge the bullets of vulnerability---whether it's conflict, discom­ fort, confrontation, or the potential for shame, hurt, or criticism. I tend to zigzag in times of vulnerability---like when I need to make a difficult call, I'll write a script, then I'll convince myself that the following morning is definitely better, then I'll draft an email because that would clearly be superior to a call. I run back and forth until I'm wiped out. And I still need to make the call. Daring Leadership Talking Straight and Taking Action We all know that it saves a tremendous amount of time and men­ tal capacity to just turn around and face whatever is at our heels head-on. The other advantage of stepping into the discomfort? It's actually much less scary and intimidating to appraise the situa­ tion from a face-first position, rather than looking back over our shoulder while running. In those moments, we need to stop and breathe---bring clarity and awareness to what we're trying to avoid---then get clear about what needs to be done to step into vulnerability. When we find ourselves zigzagging---hiding out, pretending, avoiding, procrastinating, rationalizing, blaming, lying---we need to remind ourselves that running is a huge energy suck and prob­ ably way outside our values. At some point, we have to turn to­ ward vulnerability and make that call. A couple of years ago, I spoke at a global leadership event for Costco. I was sitting at a table in the front row watching their CEO, Craig Jelinek, take questions from Costco leaders. The ques­ tions were tough, and 90 percent of the time, Craig's answers were as tough or tougher. I've seen a lot of CEOs take unvetted ques­ tions, and more often than not, when the questions have hard an­ swers, the leader zigzags like there's a gator in hot pursuit. You hear a lot of non-answers: "Great question. Let me give that some thought." "Wow. Good idea. Someone write that down so we can do some discovery." "Well, that's one way to frame the question \..." But on this cold morning in Seattle, there was no zigzagging, just straight talk: "Yes. We did make that decision and here's why \..." "No. We're not going this direction and here's how we got to that decision..." I started thinking, *Damn. I have to get onstage after this* *open question-and-answer session, and these people are going* *to be bristly.* When Craig was done, the audience leapt to their feet, clap­ ping and cheering. I was shocked. I turned to the woman sitting next to me and said, "That was really hard. He did not give them the answers they were looking for. Why is everyone cheering?" She smiled and said, "At Costco, we clap for the truth." We love the truth because it's increasingly rare. So let me give you a truth here: In case you find yourself in the swamp, you should know that humans can easily outrun alligators, which reach a max speed of 10 miles an hour and have no endurance. But they do have teeth. Lots of teeth. 16. Armored Leadership Leading from Hurt I've learned to live by the saying "You can never get enough of what you don't need." It's not easy, especially when it comes to BBC crime procedurals, chips and queso, and approval. One of the patterns that I've observed in working with leaders is that many people lead from a place of hurt and smallness, and they use their position of power to try to fill that self-worth gap. But we just can't fill a self-worth gap by leading and using power over people, be­ cause that's not exactly what we need. To put it in simple terms, we work our shit out on other peo­ ple, and we can never get enough of what it is we're after, because we're not addressing the real problem. In general, it's fair to say that we're all working our stuff out on people all day long. But when you add the leadership power differential, it gets dangerous. "Leading from hurt" behaviors include feeling no value from our partner or our children, so we double down on being seen as "important" at work by taking credit for ideas that aren't ours, stay­ ing in comparison mode, and always knowing instead of learning. The most common driver of the hurt that I've observed is from our first families. The first-family stuff can look like seeking the ap­ proval and acceptance from colleagues that we never received from our parents. Also, if our parents' professional failures and disap­ pointments shaped our upbringing, we can spend our careers try­ ing to undo that pain. That often takes the shape of an insatiable appetite for recognition and success, of unproductive competition, and, on occasion, of having zero tolerance for risk. Identifying the source of the pain that's driving how we lead and how we show up for other people is important, because return­ ing to that place and doing that work is the only real fix. Projecting the pain onto others places it where it doesn't belong and leads to serious trust violations. Our long, hard search for whatever it is that we need never ends and leaves a wake of disconnection. Daring Leadership Leading from Heart Let's go back to this sentence from section 2: "Leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings, or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage in­ effective and unproductive behavior." Well, leader, heal thyself. We also have to invest time attending to our own fears, feel­ ings, and history or we'll find ourselves managing our own unpro­ ductive behaviors. As daring leaders, we have to stay curious about our own blind spots and how to pull those issues into view, and we need to commit to helping the people we serve find their blind spots in a way that's safe and supportive. Like all of us, most of the daring, transformational leaders I've worked with have overcome hurtful experiences---from childhood illness and painful family histories to violence and trauma. Many are in the middle of deep struggles like marriages that are failing, children in rehab, or health crises. The difference between leading from hurt and leading from heart is not what you've experienced or are currently experiencing, it's what you do with that pain and hurt. One of the most powerful examples of leading from heart that I've witnessed was Tarana Burke's response to Harvey Weinstein's arrest. Tarana is the senior director at Girls for Gender Equity and founder of the Me Too movement---a movement to end sexual violence. In an interview with Trevor Noah, Tarana said, "This is not really a moment to, like, celebrate how the mighty have fallen." She explained that the focus should be on healing the survivors and recognizing their courage. In a world full of rage and hate, Tarana, who is a survivor of sexual assault and has dedicated her career to helping other sur­ vivors, said, "It doesn't bring me personal joy, this is not really what it is about." She explained, "It's not about taking down pow­ erful men, and it is not a woman's movement either---that's an­ other sort of misconception. It's a movement for survivors." Again, foreshadowing the work we will do together in the part on learning to rise, when we own our hard stories and rumble with them, we can write a new ending---an ending that includes how we're going to use what we've survived to be more compassionate and empathic. When we deny our stories of struggle, they own us. They own us, and they drive our behavior, emotions, thinking, and leading. Daring leadership is leading from heart, not hurt. Putting Down the Armor Roosevelt's speech makes no mention of armor or weaponry--- there are no shields glinting in the afternoon sun, no sabers, swords, or rifles. It would appear that the unarmored person in the arena is fighting with wits, bravery, and bare hands. Roosevelt is talking about grappling, person to person. That's where the credit goes: to the person "whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly." The credit goes to the person in the arena---and the greatest arena in a world overrun with fear, criticism, and cynicism is vulnerability. As long as I've studied vulnerability (which dates back to my dissertation research in 1998), I will always think that the very best example of vulnerability is saying "I love you" first. Talk about taking off the armor! Just thinking about that moment takes my breath away. Like many of you, I've taken that risk and had the indescribable experience of hearing "Oh, my God! I love you too!" And I've been on the shitty end of "Aww, thank you! But I think we're on different pages." PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE In those moments, it's hard to remember that the brokenhearted are the bravest among us because they got past their egos and busted their hearts out of that prison so they could love. Yes, there's pain. And more dust and sweat and blood. It's hard. And when we don't understand that the willingness to risk hurt or fail­ ure is courage, or we don't have the skills to rumble and recover, it's easy to reach for the armor and weapons at the mere whiff of vulnerability. As our work around the world has taught us, the fear of vul­ nerability and all that comes with taking off the armor---the fear of being judged or misunderstood, of making a mistake, being wrong, and experiencing shame---is universal. The leaders interviewed for this book represent organizations across the globe, from film stu­ dios, tech companies, and accounting firms to military commands, schools, and community-building organizations. How is it possible that the fear of taking off the armor is universal? *People, people,* *people everywhere are just people, people, people.* A couple of years ago we held a training in London, and the participants came from more than forty countries. As we waded into the topics of vulnerability and shame, one of the participants stood up and said, "Our shared experiences of these emotions is so shocking. It's what we have in common more than anything else." The cultural messages and expectations that fuel feelings of vulnerability and even shame may be different, but the experi­ ences themselves, as well as their ability to alter who we are and how we show up, are universal. One powerful universal truth that has stood the test of global research: If *shame and blame* is our management style, or if it's a pervasive cultural norm, we can't ask people to be vulnerable or brave. Shame can only rise to a certain level before people have to armor up and sometimes dis­ engage to stay safe. Another learning about the universal applicability of the dar­ ing leadership findings came from the people we interviewed who lead distributed global teams. They talked about the importance of having ongoing difficult and vulnerable conversations about the different cultural messages and expectations that corrode trust and psychological safety in a team when they are not identi­ fied and discussed. One participant, who is a champion of daring leadership in her company, leads a team of highly skilled analysts located all over the world who are diverse not only in terms of culture but also of age and gender identity. She said, "One of the most important and most challenging parts of my job is surfacing what's getting in the way of our team's communication and performance. Last year, I noticed a pattern of our team in Hong Kong not participating in video conference meetings. They're major contributors, so I couldn't figure out why they were holding back. I reached out to them without our other colleagues on the line and said, 'We need to hear from you in these meetings. Not participating is not working. What can I do to sup­ port your participation?' " She told me there was a long pause before one man spoke up and said, "We've asked many times to receive the agenda in ad­ vance of the meetings. When we get the agenda ten minutes be­ fore the meeting starts, it feels disrespectful. If you really wanted our contribution, you would give us time to review and prepare." She explained that this type of frank conversation was a norm. "These are almost always conversations about cultural norms and differences. No one wants to talk about these issues because they're awkward and uncomfortable. But I know it's crit­ ically important, and it's my job as a leader to push through the discomfort. It's never easy, but we're always grateful and stronger when we're done."