The Art of Witty Banter Be Clever, Be Quick, Be Interesting - Create Captivatin (Patrick King) (z-lib.org).epub
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The Art of Witty Banter: Techniques to Be Clever, Be Quick, Be Interesting – Have Captivating Conversation By Patrick King, Social Interaction Specialist at www.PatrickKingConsulting.com As a FREE show of appreciation to my readers, I’ve got TWO great resources for you:...
The Art of Witty Banter: Techniques to Be Clever, Be Quick, Be Interesting – Have Captivating Conversation By Patrick King, Social Interaction Specialist at www.PatrickKingConsulting.com As a FREE show of appreciation to my readers, I’ve got TWO great resources for you: >> CLICK HERE For The Flawless Interaction Checklist and Better Conversations Worksheet! << The Checklist describes in-depth the 7 essential components to exceptional interactions and conversations between you and everyone from a stranger to your partner – and The Worksheet puts a few of those components to the test with practice exercises that will instantly upgrade any conversation. Learn how to: Make people comfortable Connect easily in any context Develop killer eye contact Prepare for any social situation Appear as intuitive as a mind reader Never run out of things to say Practice and drill all of the above CLICK HERE to download your FREE copy now! Table of Contents The Art of Witty Banter: Techniques to Be Clever, Be Quick, Be Interesting – Have Captivating Conversation Table of Contents Introduction Chapter 1. HPM, SBR, meet EDR Chapter 2. Never Speak in Absolutes Chapter 3. Think Before You React Chapter 4. Practice Free Association Chapter 5. Break the Fourth Wall Chapter 6. The "Us Against the World" Technique Chapter 7. Create a Conversation Resume Chapter 8. Set Boundaries on the Conversation Chapter 9. Derail Your Train of Thought Chapter 10. Use Fallback Stories Chapter 11. The “Thought Experiment” Technique Chapter 12. Make the Other Person an Expert Chapter 13. Master Saying "What were you saying?" Chapter 14. More Effective Compliments Chapter 15. Use Double Explanations Chapter 16. Witty, Good-Natured Teasing Chapter 17. The Witty Comeback Machine Chapter 18. Go Beyond the Literal Conclusion Speaking and Coaching Cheat Sheet Introduction When I was growing up, my favorite television show wasn’t one of the conventional cartoons like G.I. Joe or X-Men. People tend to assume I had a very sad childhood when I say this, but it’s not that I was deprived of cartoons by draconian parents. Cartoons were typically aired early on weekend mornings, which meant that you had to go to bed early the night before to get up in time for the shows. I always overslept, so I never saw the cartoons. Why was I oversleeping? I overslept because I always stayed up late to watch David Letterman, the host of The Late Show with David Letterman for over 30 years. I didn’t know it at the time, but of all the late night television hosts, David Letterman was one of the most legendary. I just watched because I thought his Top Ten Lists were funny in an adult way that I couldn’t quite understand. He would talk about economics, and though I didn’t quite grasp the specifics, I knew the general feeling he was trying to convey and would laugh when my older brother laughed. It wasn’t until I grew older that I started to really notice the subtle tactics he used to energize boring guests and turn dull segments in funny ones. In particular, it was his ability to banter wittily with his band leader, guests, and even himself in a self-deferential way that was the engine of the show. Letterman was like Teflon – he was so smooth and slick, he could always go with the flow, nothing ever seemed to faze him, and he was never without a witty quip or two. It seemed as if he could joke about anything and his jokes never seemed forced or out of place. It didn’t work as well for me when I tried emulating Letterman the next day at school, but it did get me thinking about what constituted a person who was conversationally so slick and smooth they were Teflon. How can you not just always have something to say, but have something witty and clever to say? Witty banter is many things at once – disarming, charming, intelligent, and quick. It almost sounds impossible when you think about the feelings it imparts to others. But it’s a skill just like pitching a baseball or underwater basket weaving. Once you know the patterns and root actions, you can practice and improve them. And once you practice enough, they become instinct and habit that come easily to you because they are second nature. This book is going to be one of your best tools for becoming adept at the kind of witty banter you’ve always wanted to master. You’ll learn what makes a statement clever, how to deliver it quickly, and how it all comes together to make you someone of note and worth talking to. Chapter 1. HPM, SBR, meet EDR For those of you who have a passing familiarity with any of my books, one of my favorite topics to cover is HPM, and more recently, SBR. What are these strange acronyms? Put simply, they are six distinct types of responses you can use for practically any topic that arises in a conversation. HPM and SBR are quite helpful because if you are stumped or you can see an awkward silence creeping around the corner, you can essentially use HPM and SBR as ice breaking cue cards to find topics to talk about, and ways to respond to people. It also makes sense to refer to them as a “plug and playable” because all you need to do is plug in one of these responses and bingo – it just works. The right responses can go a long way to jump-start and add new life to your conversations. It doesn't matter how good a conversationalist you are because awkward silences are always lurking around the corner. Using HPM and SBR, you can always find a way to work around these impending conversation killers. Here’s a quick review for those of you that are new to HPM and SBR and wondering when I’m going to stop talking in annoying acronyms and codes. HPM HPM stands for History, Philosophy, and Metaphor. This means in response to a question or statement directed at you, you reply with your own statement that evokes History, Philosophy, or a Metaphor. HPM tends to draw on your memories, experiences, and opinions, which is a bit different from the other acronyms you’ll be learning about in this chapter. It’s more internal and personal, while others are more external and in the moment. History means you reply with your personal experience regarding a topic. For example, if someone tells you a story about skiing, this is a prompt for you to reply with: That reminds me of the last time I skied… That’s just like the first time I skied as a child… What a coincidence, my mother’s friend went skiing last week and had a blast... Philosophy, on the other hand, involves your personal stance, take, or opinion on a specific topic. For example, if someone tells you that same rousing story about skiing, this is a prompt for you to reply with: I’ve always loved skiing because… I’ve hated skiing ever since… Skiing is so fun! My favorite hobby. I don’t know how I feel about skiing. On one hand… Metaphor, on the other hand, involves what the conversation topic reminds you of. If you’re hearing the same story about skiing for the third time in the same day, you might not want to talk about it again. Thus, this is a prompt for you to subtly change the topic to something that’s related or … not so related. This works as long as you can preface it with some sort of transition. That reminds me of … That’s just the opposite of snowboarding, isn’t it? That makes me think of… Isn’t that similar to… Keep in mind that HPM is more focused on you, what you think, and what your experiences are. It really has nothing to do with the other person, it has to do with what the topic at hand evokes from you – a memory, an opinion or feeling, or a jumping off point from which to change the subject. Seems pretty easy and intuitive, right? The point is that everyone has these things – everyone has personal stories and experiences, everyone has opinions and stances on subjects, and everyone can envision how one topic is related to or reminiscent of another topic. It’s just that we are lazy conversationalists that don’t realize the broad scope of what’s available for us to talk about. Here’s a quick review on SBR, which you’ll find is similar but probably easier to use quickly on your feet than HPM. It’s external, which means everything that you need to continue any conversational topic is right there in front of you. You’ll see what I mean. SBR SBR stands for Specific, Broad, and Related. To any statement or question directed to you, you can reply with one of these types of statements. Specific involves asking targeted questions regarding the topic you're talking about. This kind of response allows you to drag the conversation forward or take it deeper by pulling out fine details. Suppose you want to get into the nitty-gritty of what’s being talked about. Let’s take the skiing story example we used earlier: What kind of slopes did you go down? How was the snow? How many times have you skied recently? Broad means you ask broad questions about the topic. These create context and are great springboards to sub-topics. This enables the conversation to proceed smoothly from the main topic to a sub-topic and all the way to a completely new topic. Get the background and the general lay of the land here. Where was this? Who did you go with? When was this? How did you drive there? Finally, Related refers to asking about something that is either directly or broadly related to the subject of your conversation. The great thing about "related" is that it allows you to explore issues tangential to the topic of your conversation. I love when it’s snowing outside. I love taking weekend trips. Isn’t it great, getting physically active as much as possible? The unifying characteristic of the SBR conversation strategy is that it focuses primarily on the topics you're talking about. That is, you’re taking the exact topic that’s in front of you, digging deeper into it, and essentially letting the other person guide you through questions. So that was a fairly direct and straightforward set of rules, right? Now you have six responses you can pop into just about any situation, almost as if you’re reading off of cue cards and can just say “Oh, hmm… philosophy… well, the way I feel about that is….” After a bit of brainstorming and paying attention to the fact that everyone’s brain works a little bit differently, and different cues will prompt different things for people, I developed three more frameworks that are usable in just about any situation – EDR. Using these nine frameworks together adds a whole lot of engagement, personalization, depth, and intrigue to a conversation that might otherwise have begun and ended at “Hey, how was your weekend?” EDR EDR is the last part of the nine frameworks that you can use to answer just about anything. It straddles HPM and SBR – you can use what’s in front of you, but it’s even better if you draw internally and speak about your own thoughts and opinions. EDR stands for Emotion, Detail, and Restatements. E (emotion) means when you respond to a statement made in conversation you state someone else's emotion or emotional state. You mention what you believe their emotional response is. For example, "It seems like you're really excited about that." If it's not 100% apparent and clear to you what the other person's emotional state is, you can make a statement summing up an assumption to see whether you're right or not. You don’t have to be correct, the point is that whether you are or not, they will correct you and automatically explain their actual feelings. “I went skiing last weekend!” “You sound really excited about that.” If you were wrong… “Actually, I’m not. Here’s why…” If you were right… “Totally, it’s very thrilling to be on the slopes.” Think of this like being a very open minded counselor who just wants to talk about other people's feelings. When you state someone’s emotions, you appear to be very in tune with them and engaged in their well-being. To emphasize, what makes this approach particularly effective is that you talk about other people's emotions, not yours. As I've mentioned in my previous books, people like to be the center of attention. The more attention you give them, the more they're likely to talk. With E, you allow them to take the limelight and express their emotions. People appreciate this because most people like to feel they matter, and they aren’t often given a chance to feel that way. D (detail) means when you respond to a topic, you do so by asking for details and how they relate to the person with whom you're speaking. This is similar to the S in SBR. You get the details and you also get an overview of how it impacts them. For example, the key journalistic "5 Ws" work perfectly here. The 5 Ws, just in case you don't know, are who, what, where, when, and why. The 5 Ws work perfectly because they allow you to tie in different details to the person with whom you’re speaking. Think of yourself as a detective sifting through different clues to solve a mystery. For example, "When did you start doing that?" "How did that make you feel?" and so on. R (restatements) means when you respond to a topic, you do so by restating or summarizing what the other person said and then throw it back at them. This is very effective because it lets the person you're speaking with know loud and clear that you're paying attention to them. You’re paying so much attention that you can’t get their words out of your mouth! As I mentioned above, people like to feel they matter. What better way to show that appreciation than simply letting them know, in clear terms, that you were listening to what they had to say and you want confirmation of your understanding of what they’ve said. When you restate what they say, you are essentially validating them twice. First, the simple act of summarizing what they said already validates them. It lets them know that you were listening to them. On top of that, you ask for their permission or confirmation to see if you’ve understood them correctly. This creates a tremendous sense of comfort and validation for the other person. “I went skiing in the mountains last weekend.” “So you went skiing in the mountains last weekend?” “So you went skiing in the mountains last weekend?” “So you went skiing in the mountains last weekend?” This prompts them to elaborate on their statement without your having to say much. All you did was say the exact same thing back to them, with a slight emphasis on a different word to indicate that you are curious and want clarification on an aspect of what they’ve said. Each of these three versions is a distinctly different assertion or question, but you are using their exact words. Think of this like a psychologist prompting a patient for deeper and more personal discoveries and insights. By using EDR in addition to HMP and SBR, you now have nine ways to respond to people about anything. Which of the nine feel easy and natural to you and which feel difficult? Pay careful attention, because as previously noted, some of these are more about your own thoughts and internal workings, and others are about the situation in front of you and the other person. So if you skew too much in one direction, it can mean you’re either a conversational narcissist or someone who provides no value or substance. Chain them together and with these nine techniques you will pretty much never run out of things to talk about. Chapter 2. Never Speak in Absolutes Notice the irony in the chapter title? I used the word “never” to warn against using the word “never.” One of the most common ways to kill any kind of conversation, regardless of how interesting the topic might be, is when one of the people talking reduces their questions to absolutes. I know this because I was once set upon with absolute questions by a cousin at a family. He was eight at the time, so it was excusable, but I’ll never forget how it felt when someone kept talking to me in absolutes. He asked me what my favorite ice cream flavor in the entire world was. I thought for a while and said rocky road. He started howling that I had horrible taste and demanding to know how I could forget Neapolitan. It was a tortuous conversation full of long pauses and subsequent judgment of my tastes and opinions. Years later, he would discover that he was lactose intolerant, so the joke is on him. Of course, there are more common absolute questions that you’ll come across in your daily life. The point is that they are incredibly difficult to answer off the cuff, and open you to unnecessary internal debate and judgment from others. They usually appear very innocent. For example, "What's your number one favorite movie of all time?" That’s a pretty innocuous question on its face, but it is an absolute question. It puts people on the spot and usually leads them to answer with, "Oh, I'm not sure, let me think about that," then never finish their thought. "What's your favorite band?" "I don't know, let me think about that." Or, "Hmm...I'm not sure. What's yours?" The problem here is that you're asking for an absolute answer. When you do that, you give the other person no wiggle room and, worse, you’ve given them the difficult task of coming up with a definitive answer to your question. What is my favorite movie? Your question will fail, the conversation will stall, and you may never get back on track. Most people like to tell the truth, and if they are tasked with something that requires them to really dig deep and come up with an honest answer to an absolute question, it just takes too much work. About 1% of people will have these things on the tip of their tongues for whatever reason, but the rest won’t know how to respond. The bottom line: using absolute statements, answers, and questions makes conversation difficult for people and leads to premature death. (Of the conversation, not the people involved.) One primary rule of thumb for conversation is to make it easy for the other person, which of course makes it easy for you. If you can get people engaged and interested with topics they can easily converse about, then you’ve just created a great situation for yourself. Moreover, it’s obvious that no one wants to carry the burden of a conversation. No one wants to fill in all the blanks, prevent all the silences, and direct the entire conversation. If your line of questioning ends up putting the burden on the other person as if it were a job interview, that other person is either going to disengage quickly, or bounce everything back to you with a “What about you?” response. Then you’re going to have to deal with the mess you’ve created. When you ask somebody "What's your absolute favorite (fill in the blank)?" you're putting them on the spot. You’re really asking them to dig down and think, and worse, to commit to something they may not have strong feelings about. This might be fine once or twice, but imagine how they will feel after a while if every question you ask is along similar lines. They will start to feel as if they’re at a job interview or in an interrogation instead of a pleasant social interaction. They will feel as if they’re being put in a position of carrying the burden of the conversation – a responsibility they don’t particularly want. It’s very tiring. So what’s the solution here? Let’s see how we can modify those absolute questions into questions that are far easier to answer and won’t stymie people or stall the exchange. Here’s a common absolute question: What’s your favorite movie? Put boundaries around the question and make it non-absolute and people will be able to answer the question far more easily. Transform this question into: What are your top few movies? Or What are some good movies you’ve seen recently? Or Any comedy movies you consider pretty decent and can recommend? By doing this, you're not tying somebody into an absolute commitment or an absolute statement. There are several qualifiers here based on number or time, and when people don’t feel pressured to come up with an absolute answer, they can relax and answer just about anything. Each qualifier and boundary makes the question easier (and more fun) for them to answer. If you were to say, "I think Forrest Gump is the greatest movie of all time," you might spark an argument or judgment about your taste. But if instead you said, “I saw Forrest Gump recently and it was pretty good,” it’s unlikely anyone will argue with you unless they truly hate Tom Hanks and feel-good movies. They’re not debating your taste or seeing an opportunity for judgment. If they do disagree, it doesn’t matter to you because they haven’t told you that your taste is terrible. They just disagree on something that is a “decent” movie to you, which neither party will find offensive. In this way, it also opens up dialogue and allows people to say what they want, such as they disagree with you and why! That’s how conversations take off. A good conversationalist’s talent is making sure the other person is comfortable. One crucial way to ensure the other person’s comfort is to be conscientious about making it easier for the other side to answer. Remember, you're not really looking for a right or wrong answer. You’re just looking to move the conversation along. Who knows what the best movie is? I mean the best is totally subjective because what may be the best for you might turn out to be a flat out horrible bore to someone else. Keep your eyes on your overall objective for the conversation, which is to create a mutual environment of comfort and enjoyment. The last part of this chapter is to make sure that you have an answer to the questions you’re asking. If you are going to ask an absolute question, then you’d better have a good answer to it. A lot of people who ask difficult questions are often caught flat footed when the difficult question is bounced back to them. And actually, you should have two sets of answers ready. The first answer is to the absolute question. “My hands-down favorite movie is….” Your second answer should be looser: “I don’t have one favorite movie, but a couple of good ones I saw recently are….” Keep in mind that avoiding absolute questions means sharpening your question-asking skills. It forces you to stand in the other person’s shoes and see things from their (conversational) perspective. You have to take into consideration how the conversation feels from their side and not just throw out a question that happens to be stuck in your head, that ends up being extremely difficult to answer. Chapter 3. Think Before You React I had been talking to another lawyer for about five minutes at a networking event and I was growing wearier by the second. She seemed to think our conversation was a high-stakes poker game because her face and voice were as flat as the desert. At times, there wasn’t even a blink to indicate that she had heard what I said. To exit the conversation, I told her that I needed to visit the restroom, and I’m not sure she heard that either. Reactions are extremely important in conversation. A conversation without reactions from the other party is like a movie without background music. At first, things seem fine, but you quickly notice that it feels empty and something is missing. You feel as if you’re speaking to a wall you can’t read, and one that you’re not even sure is listening to what you are saying. Reactions show people that you are more than just physically present; you are emotionally and intellectually present. As with many things, reactions have a cumulative effect. If during a five minute conversation, the other person does not react to one or two statements you make you might not notice. But suppose that person doesn’t react ten times in a row to something you’ve said? Wouldn’t you start to feel anxious, as if you’ve said the wrong thing and they are punishing you with their complete lack of reaction? So what do I mean by reacting? It can be something as simple as raising your eyebrow and saying, “Oh” or even just nodding. Small acknowledgements (reactions) like these during conversation should not be underrated. You don’t have to be an expert at reacting, or make a big show of it, you just need to let the other person know you’re listening and engaged. Even so, there are a few ways you can optimize your reactions so that people trust you and will feel instant rapport. The first element is to make sure you react with the appropriate emotion. Imagine that you tell a story about breaking your arm, and the other person reacts with anger. Was that the reaction that you wanted (or expected) to receive? No, you probably shared that story because it was either funny or pitiful (or both). Depending on the tone of your story, you were either looking for a laugh or sympathy or a little of both. “Wow, that really sucks,” or “Wow, that’s hilarious, but it sucks too.” Anger as a response to your story just wouldn’t make sense. The easiest way to make sure you react appropriately to a story, statement, or question is to take a step back and ask yourself “What is the primary emotion being shared here?” and then give that back to them! Here’s a tip – the vast majority of emotions people share and want reciprocal, congruent reactions to are: joy, annoyance, anger, sadness, humor. Note that three out of five are negative. For example, “Did I tell you about how this guy cut me off in traffic earlier today?!” That’s a combination of annoyance and anger. This is something that becomes instinctual and nearly instantaneous after a little bit of practice. Just think, “What emotion do they want?” What you’re really trying to determine is what emotion they feel so you can respond in kind. When your responses accurately fit what the other person is saying (and feeling), it tells them you understand them – that you can walk a mile in their shoes. You create a lot of subconscious comfort when you react in a way that accurately corresponds to their feelings. The second way to make your reactions great is to react just a little slower than you think you should. In general, a strong reaction is better than no reaction at all. If you are stone faced and unreactive, people feel as if they are speaking to a wall. But reacting too quickly can impart a similar feeling. The other person may feel you are just patronizing them and are not truly interested in what they have to say. Imagine a scenario where you are excited to share something about your weekend. The person you are sharing with is nodding vigorously the whole time you’re telling your story. In fact, they are almost interrupting you with their excitement. Right after you share something, they exclaim, “I know!” or “Yeah, totally! I get it!” At some point, it becomes pretty clear that there is no way they could have processed what you said; they are just acting with fake enthusiasm because that’s what they think they should do. Did they even hear what you said amidst all that nodding and exclaiming? Because they reacted too quickly, you assume they only listened for a few "trigger words" and were reacting out of reflex or habit, not in response to your actual words. If you react too quickly, no matter your reasons for doing so, it makes you look dismissive. It makes the person you're speaking with feel as if you’re ignoring them. You can say "I get it" all you want, but the message is that you don't get it and you're just trying to get them to stop talking. That's not a great way to build mutual comfort in a conversation. When you react too quickly, it also makes people feel rushed. If you constantly bob your head and say, "Yes, yes, yes, I get it," they feel tremendous pressure to speak quickly and finish up what they're saying. From their perspective, it is as if you’re saying you’re bored and already know the conclusion, so hurry it up already! In turn, most polite people don't want to bore you. They also don't want you to feel as if you're waiting too long for your turn to speak. So they’ll rush, stumble over words and likely, perhaps unconsciously, feel annoyed. Whatever the case, you end up creating a serious disincentive for them to freely express themselves and feel comfortable doing it. Instead, they feel they're caught in a race and have to speak really quickly and be done with it because you are waiting your turn to speak. If you have a problem with reacting too quickly or overreacting, try the 2-second rule. Wait 2 seconds after the person is done speaking before you say anything. It makes it look as if you are processing and considering what they’ve just said. You say you don’t know what to do or think about during those two seconds? Well, how about what was just said and how it relates to you? And how it relates to the rest of the conversation in general? Throw on a thoughtful face, rest your hand on your chin, and people will never question your engagement again. You don't want to overreact, nor do you want to react too quickly. Chapter 4. Practice Free Association There are times when it doesn’t really matter how good a speaker you are, or how interesting or engaging you might be as a person – or for that matter, how interesting and engaging the person you are speaking to is. Sometimes conversations just get stuck. It’s no one’s fault; it just happens. We can get stuck in topics we don't care about, or a conversation can turn into what feels like an interview making it feel shallow and awkward. When we try to think of different things to talk about, it becomes difficult, like trying to climb out of a hole. When we find ourselves in a conversation where we’re tangled up in a tough or impossible topic, we end up feeling frozen and trapped, which creates anxiety and frustration. The more we try to get out of the rut of the conversation, the more stuck we feel. So let’s simplify conversation. Conversation is a series of statements, stories, and questions. After one person contributes one of those elements, the other person responds in kind, either on the same exact topic, or a topic that is in some way related to the original topic. That’s where free association comes in. Isn’t conversation just a series of free association exercises? For example, if someone says something to the effect of, “I love cats soooo much!” and you know nothing about cats, you might find it difficult to contribute anything to the conversation. If you absolutely hate cats because a cat blinded your right eye when you were a child, this might just be a conversation killer or it might launch you into a bitter rant that will also kill the conversation. You might not have anything to say about cats, but what if you took away the statement and context and focused on the word and concept of cats? With simple free association, you can find a way to quickly and efficiently breathe new life into the conversation, regardless of how deeply stuck it may feel. Just free associate five things about cats. In other words, blurt out five things (nouns, locations, concepts, statements, feelings, words) that flashed into your brain when you heard the word “cats.” Allow your mind to go blank and zero in on the word "cats." Stop thinking of the word "cats" as a trigger to past experiences and memory. Instead, start looking at it as a fresh concept unconnected to what you've experienced before. Play a word association game with yourself. What does "cats" make you think of? We're just talking about purely intellectual connections. It doesn't matter what you feel, what your emotions are. It doesn't matter what your experiences were, whether you were traumatized or not. It has nothing to do with that. This is just a purely intellectual challenge to try to rapidly fill out a list of what "cats" as a concept can be tied to. For most people, when the word "cats" is mentioned, they think of kittens, cuddles, sand boxes, cheetahs, lions, fish, sushi, fur, dogs, allergies, the musical, etc. Keep in mind that there is no right or wrong answer here. It’s all free association. What's important is that you're rapidly filling out that list of things that you can intellectually connect with the word "cats." You’ll notice that doing this is much easier than coming up with a responsive statement or question to the declaration, “I love cats sooo much.” Yet, your task and challenge is exactly the same – where do you go with what the other person said? With that framework and perspective, it’s much easier to disassociate from the actual statement and free associate with the subject matter. Doing this will train your brain to think outside the (cat) box, approach conversation in a non-linear way, and see the many possible directions one simple concept or word can take you. Now suppose that someone proclaimed their love for car racing, and suppose that you know nothing about that either. What are the top five or six free associations that come to mind for car racing? For me, it’s a mixture of (1) NASCAR, (2) gas, (3) tires, (4) The Fast and the Furious movies, (5) Japan (don’t ask me), (6) Mustangs. Here’s the magic part – each of these six associations are perfectly normal topics to switch to that are still in the flow of the conversation. “I love watching car racing! It’s so fun!” “You mean like NASCAR, or illegal street racing?” “I always wondered what kind of gas mileage those cars get.” “Do those cars have specialized tires? I don’t think my car’s tires could take that!” “So are The Fast and the Furious movies your favorites?” “I heard they do some kind of drift racing in Japan – do you mean like that?” “I always imagine car racing happens with huge, powerful Mustangs. Is that the kind of car races you watch? Try free association with the words “coffee” and “trains” and think about how much easier it is to construct questions and generally converse about something once you can form a mental map of the topic and its related topics. You just feel unstuck. Of course, the best way to do this is not to try it the first time when you're in an actual conversation. Practice free association consciously for several times throughout the course of a week. The more you do it, the better you get at it. Here’s how to practice: on a piece of paper, write five random words. They can be anything – a noun, verb, memory, or even an emotion or feeling. Suppose the first word you write is “napkin.” As quickly as possible, write three associations for that word. Take the last word you came up with, and then as quickly as possible, write three associations for that new word. Repeat three times, and then move to the next set of words. Napkin -> table, spoon, fine dining. Fine dining -> France, Michelin Star, butler. Butler -> Jeeves, white gloves, Michael Jackson. And so on. Practicing free association is an excellent foundation for good conversation because conversation is about relating unrelated things, making connections, and going with the flow of topics. Next time you're struggling for something to say, take a step back and tap into your previously practiced free association skills. Just as with anything else that has to do with conversation skills, you can only master it if you try it enough times. The best part of all this is that you can do it instantly. You get caught in a stream of consciousness flow. Always remember there is no right or wrong answer. If you believe there is, you’ll be putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. Chapter 5. Break the Fourth Wall The fourth wall is a term in television, movies, and plays where the character steps out of his role and addresses the audience directly. Think of it as an actor being surrounded by three walls on the stage. There are, of course, the back wall and the two side walls. The fourth wall is the space directly in front of the actor. When the actor speaks directly to the audience, he is breaking the fourth wall. If you’ve ever seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off with Matthew Broderick, he breaks the fourth wall constantly by addressing the audience as if he is aware that he is being watched. This is a comment referring that refers to itself. It is self referential. How does this apply in conversation? Imagine that your conversation is a television show in which you are both characters and you are reading your conversation from a script. To break the fourth wall would mean stepping out of the conversation and making an observation about the conversation or topic or something else concerning the context of the conversation. You are breaking the fourth wall of the conversation by commenting on the conversation itself in an observational or analytic way. You are commenting on it as if you were studying it from the outside. For example, "Wow, this conversation has really taken an odd turn, hasn't it?" or "Did you just make a reference to the Spice Girls and '90s boy bands?" Breaking the fourth wall is a comment on the conversation itself and is observational. It is best said with curiosity and intrigue, because the context is that you are so surprised in a good way that you were compelled to comment. You had to break character and pay a compliment where it was due. On that note, you shouldn’t comment on negative things because that will come off as judgmental and as if you are looking down on the other person. For example, breaking the fourth wall to say something like “Did you really just make a comment on holistic medicine?” That will look like an attack, where breaking the fourth wall positively is in effect praising them for something. When we feel that our opinion or statements are being attacked, it's too easy and often tempting for us to believe that we, personally, are being attacked. Breaking the fourth wall can put you in hot water as far as this perception goes. This might not be your intention, but if you're careless, your fourth wall comment might easily come off as offensive. Your intrigue should be paired with facial expressions, gestures, and even your body posture. If you do it right, breaking the fourth wall shows a higher level of self-awareness. It calls attention to something that you noticed about the other person, and in most cases, it’s something the other person did consciously or was proud of. With the above example, it’s very likely that someone consciously made a reference to a ‘90s boy band because they thought it was entertaining – they’d be very glad to know that you also thought it was entertaining. It also tells the other person that you are paying attention to what's happening at a deeper level of the conversation. If anything, it makes you look deep, complex, and smart. Just as with other techniques I’ve covered in this book, don't overdo it. In many cases, people are in such a rush to try to look smarter than they actually are that they end up using the fourth wall in a disastrous way. Instead of getting both parties in the conversation to laugh at the conversation, or at least feel a tremendous amount of comfort, you end up looking patronizing, condescending, or even downright insulting. These effects are the mirror opposite of what you are trying to achieve and do not help you. Bad example: “Are you really directing the conversation toward yourself again?” Bad example: “Just a side note, I think it’s funny that you were the butt of that joke.” So when do you use it? Here are two easy occasions and contexts where you can break the fourth wall with a strong, positive impact. First, it can be used to point out what both people are thinking but not saying. This might seem pretty straightforward, but you need to read the other person clearly and know that you are thinking the same thing. You are essentially calling out an unspoken inside joke. If not, you might end up unintentionally making fun of them. “Did you say what I think you just said? Yes? Okay, then we can both ignore it and move on.” But if you are not on the same page, you will introduce confusion and make the other person feel that you might be hiding something from them. Suppose that someone makes an unintentional sexual pun and then realizes what they’ve done when they lock eyes with you. “You really said that, didn’t you? Can’t escape that one!” Second, you can use the fourth wall conversation tactic to point out your opinion on the conversation or what is happening at the moment. Make sure that your opinion, however, is positive, entertaining, or preferably both. If the conversation has escalated into loud laughing and vigorous fist-pumping, then you might comment, “This conversation has really escalated, hasn’t it?” Conversely, if you are confused about where the conversation topic is headed, you might say, “Frankly, I have no idea where this conversation is headed, but I like it.” Chapter 6. The "Us Against the World" Technique People like to feel as if they belong. It’s is a universal desire. Regardless of what culture we come from, regardless of what geographic region we are from, we all like to feel as if we're part of a greater collective. Some of us need to feel we’re part of a greater global ecosystem and others just want to feel included and accepted by their soccer team, or even just the person they’re talking to. This is a tremendous psychological reservoir you can tap into to help you become a better conversationalist. Granted, that’s a pretty high and lofty description for the simple “us against the world” technique, but it does all those things at once in someone’s mind. What does the technique look like? Simple: “Boy, it is really loud in there. Can you believe all these people getting deaf in there?” It doesn’t seem like much, but it’s quick and effective. That statement creates an in-group that is special and separate from the rest of the room or world. You’ve essentially created your own group that contains the two of you – the two of you possess special knowledge, share the same thoughts, are above the rest of the people milling about, and are essentially the only two sane people. It’s you two against the rest of the world, which has gone crazy. It’s the same feeling when you witness something incredibly odd, and you and a stranger lock eyes and exchange knowing glances. You’re calling out a commonality in thought process or current environment and making it clear that only you two have that commonality. When you comment to them out loud, you make it clear that you view them as being on the same level of understanding and train of thought as you. And whether or not they agree, they will feel inclined to agree and join your in-group. Another way to think about it is that you have created your own inside joke. When you are truly part of an in-group that consists of two people, you have unique, exclusive shared experiences that you can talk about at a later point. “Hey, remember when we met and our eardrums almost blew out?” As you can see, using the “us against the world” technique can be subtle and easy. But it’s also easy to miss the mark. And if you miss the mark, you will sound as if you’re just making an observation about something obvious with no good reason to do so. It turns a proper usage of the technique like “Can you believe the types of awkward small talk people are trying here?” into “Yeah, these events are awkward.” What you need to do is take stock of how you can create an in-group with someone. Generally, you want to observe (1) what is noteworthy at the moment to comment on, (2) what you share in common contextually and not personally, and (3) general emotions that you probably share based on the context. For noteworthy things to comment on, you might say “Yeah, I saw that Michael Jackson lookalike too. Can you believe it?” For sharing a common context, you might say “Can you believe how aggressive everyone is here?” For general emotions that you probably share, you might say “Glad I’m not the only one here who…” or “Yeah, it’s exhausting in there, isn’t it?” When you use the "us vs. the world" conversation technique, it allows you to draw on similarities you may have with the person you are speaking with. It also teases out similar thought patterns that both of you may share. You do this by simply recognizing and highlighting them. In reality, you two probably aren't different from everyone else in that geographic space or context but your comments can make it seem as if you are. By calling out this perceived similarity, you openly create a feeling of closeness and kinship. At least, the other person thinks you are thinking along the same lines, and on the same level, as they are. This is tremendous because the number one rule in likability is to make people feel that you are like them. Regardless of color, religious, ethnic, and other differences we prefer people who are similar to us at some level. This taps into that psychological reservoir I mentioned in the beginning of this chapter. We'd like to create a psychological "safe spot" for us and people similar to us. These are our friends; these are people we can rely on, and people we can trust. This is such a deep and profound psychological truth for human beings because it's hard wired into our DNA. Imagine yourself on an African savannah 50,000 years ago. Imagine walking through that grassland and having an "Us vs. the World" mindset. With that mindset in operation, you could identify allies that would help your family or tribe members stay alive. Now, imagine the opposite situation. Think of what would happen if you didn’t think that way. You’d probably end up as lunch to a local lion. Use this basic psychological truth to your advantage by creating a perception of similarity. The reality is that you two aren't really all that different from the rest of the people around you. But by using this technique, you create an artificial feeling of closeness and similarity that leads to a higher level of likability. It also creates the impression that you are an observant person. It makes you look observant enough to notice these things and call them out. And this is why you're on the same wavelength. Where does this all lead to? Well, it leads to the other party being encouraged to further share their thoughts with you. They feel they belong and that feeling creates a higher degree of comfort which pushes the conversation along. Chapter 7. Create a Conversation Resume Although I’ve been lucky enough to not have had a job interview for a few years now, I still remember the feeling of dread before walking into an interview. You sit down nervously, put on your best fake smile, and laugh at jokes that aren’t funny. You dive into a spiel about your background and why you think you’re a great fit for the company or firm, and then the questions begin. There are certain questions you know you’ll be asked, and then there are questions that you hadn’t even thought would come up. But you’ll have rehearsed your answers enough to make sure that whatever question is lobbed at you like a grenade, you’ll either be able to answer it directly, wing it, or re-direct to something – all to put you in the best possible light. You want to make your best impression on this person you’re meeting for the first time, so what do you do? You go over your resume, you think about positive and glowing anecdotes, and most important, you have all of these primed and on the tip of your tongue to blurt out whenever appropriate. What's on your resume? Typically, you list your accomplishments, talking points, notable achievements, personal history, and often you will be prepared with matching stories to go with the stuff on your resume. That's how interviews go. Normally, people don't blank out when the interviewer asks them about a particular item on their resume. They come prepared with a funny story, a lesson learned, or some sort of personal accomplishment or achievement they got from that particular experience. And yet, in normal conversation, many of us find that our minds go blank or we quickly run out of things to say. The overall thrust of this chapter is to connect how we prepare for a job interview with normal conversations and socializing. Do you view a conversation or social event as something to actively prepare for? Probably not. But as with an interview, you also want to make the best impression you can with the people you meet – so why not prepare? Think of conversations as something that you can prepare just as you would a job interview. This means that you have to create a conversation resume you can refer to before you head into a social situation or conversation. A little bit of preparation goes a long way. When you have this conversation resume, you’ll have interesting parts about yourself ready to talk about as instead of just one-word answers or not being able to show how interesting and engaging you can be. It’s the difference between someone asking about your weekend and you giving an answer like, “Okay, I just watched TV all weekend” and having a more thoughtful answer that will interest others and prompt them to ask you more. Creating a conversation resume also helps your social confidence. A little bit of predictability goes a long way in bolstering your confidence. Let's put it this way, if you always end up in a social situation where you're caught completely flat footed, your confidence naturally takes a hit. It's so easy to feel embarrassed when you're unprepared and run out of things to talk about. By having a conversation resume ready, you feel armed and ready to handle people because, if all else fails, you can revert to something you articulated on your conversation resume. Now that’s confidence – knowing that if everything hits the fan, you’ll still be fine. It’s this kind of incremental victory builds your confidence. At the very least, because you've prepared for the conversation, the things you will talk about won't feel unpredictable, they will feel familiar. As a result, you’ll feel more in control of the conversation. Another great advantage to using conversation resumes is the sense of control you have over your identity. You can cultivate the type of person you want to project to others. As I mentioned earlier, if you run out of things to talk about, things can get awkward very quickly and the identity you present to others might not be the identity you like. This really is just a roundabout way of saying that you're making the wrong first impression. The whole assumption behind making a great first impression is that it's an impression you would want. It's an impression that you would want to project to other people because it highlights your strengths and minimizes your weaknesses. How do you want to present yourself? As an active, outdoorsy person? Or perhaps as an artsy, sophisticated person? Maybe a professional businessperson with interests in the stock market? Then rack your brain for experiences, thoughts, and stances on those topics and fill your conversation resume with them for easy use. When you go into conversations unprepared, the identity you project is usually not one of your choosing. Who would want to look like a fool, who would want to look like a fumbling stutterer? By coming into the conversation with a conversation resume you can pick and choose what to bring up and prepare it beforehand. You can position the persona that you are creating in the minds of people you are conversing with. The Ingredients of a Conversation Resume So what exactly goes into a conversation resume? Here is just a guide; you can come up with your own list, but this works for me and is a great place to start. It won’t be easy to come up with these on the fly, but that’s precisely why it’s so important to construct this before the fact. You won’t be able to think of these, and some of these are buried so deep in your brain they’ll never come up organically, and neither will the impression you want to convey to others. 1. 5 unique experiences 2. 5 most interesting accomplishments 3. 5 greatest accomplishments 4. 5 interesting things that happened that week – the more recent, the better 5. Your 3 most interesting weekends in the past 2 months 6. Your opinion about the top 10 current events or pop culture news 7. 5 things you like to do in your free time and why 8. 3 facts about your career or job that would be interesting to a layperson 9. 1 funny fact about your hometown, your childhood, and your teenage years 10. 3 most embarrassing/funny moments from the past year 11. 5 pieces of evidence to support the impression you want to convey (if you want to convey an outdoorsy and rugged impression, what are 5 experiences or desires to support that?) You get the idea. You could keep going, but what we’re doing here is taking an inventory of your best hits and making them easy to place into a conversation. Take the time to write these out and go over them regularly. Review them before you go into a social setting, just like you review a normal resume before an interview. Think about how you can work them into conversations. It doesn't have to be like actual work, you don't have to break a sweat mentally conjuring up situations. But if you have an opportunity, try to quickly think of situations and opportunities in the course of a normal conversation where these can fit in. Even if you don't think about them, knowing that you have these ready at the back of your mind enables you to speak more naturally and make it happen organically. You’ll be able to add personal experiences and details. You’ll get personal, deep, vulnerable, and sharing-oriented. Taking this first step in a conversation will almost always encourage the other person to open up, so you’ve created a situation that is far beyond shallow small talk. Compare this with a normal situation of spitting out stock answers, which often come off as flat, dull, and boring. Unlike a job interview where the focus is on you and you're trying to spotlight all your accomplishments and skills so you can get the job, in a conversation it's actually the other way around. Keep both parties involved and resist always making yourself the focus and constantly saying things like “that reminds me of a time I…” just because you now have elements to color your conversations. Chapter 8. Set Boundaries on the Conversation To this point in the book, we’ve focused on techniques for how to directly build rapport with people who are relatively engaged and willing. These techniques will enable you to resurrect dead conversations as well as breathe new life into struggling ones. But those techniques can only go so far. That is, if you are dealing with someone who is in a rush to go to the bathroom, or just wants to go home, you might be out of luck. It’s much easier to speak to someone who has just arrived at a party, versus someone who has been there for four hours and now just wants to go home and watch Downton Abbey. It’s not personal, and it has nothing to do with your efforts, skills, or presentation. They just aren’t in the mood to chat. That’s where this chapter comes in. We’re going to talk about putting boundaries on conversations themselves to open people up and make them more receptive to you no matter the situation. Generally speaking, if people are busy, it's hard to even get a conversation going. These “boundary” approaches enable you to quickly get a dialogue going with anyone. The word "boundaries" is normally negative to most people. You might be thinking that the particular boundaries I have in mind involve cutting off the conversation or otherwise limiting it in a profound way. Not exactly. You’re not putting a boundary on the conversation topics, but on the conversation’s length and the other person’s investment in it. Often people are on guard during conversations. They may not open up to you because they are feeling busy or tired or think that talking to you will be too much of a commitment. Therefore, a very common and surprisingly effective conversation boundary is simply to say, "I have to go in 10 minutes, but…" or "I just want to ask you about this one small thing before I go…" Can you see why this might work in making people more receptive and open when they might not be otherwise? People are guarded because they don’t know if they’ll enjoy the conversation, and if they don’t, or they don’t feel in the mood, then they’ll have to withstand it for a while and resist the urge to walk away even though they want to. In other words, people don’t want to be annoyed for an extended period of time. A short period of time, however, such as a conversation with boundaries, is something that just about anyone feels okay about. They’ll think that if it turns out to be an annoying or otherwise unenjoyable conversation, at least it will only be “10 minutes” or “one small thing.” Of course, this is assuming that things take a turn for the worse. They won’t for you, but I’m just describing why setting boundaries on conversations work to open people up. By setting boundaries ahead of time, you give other people an out. Maybe they're just too busy. Maybe they don't have the time. Maybe they don't have the energy level or motivation to speak with you at some length. Whatever the case, when you set a boundary right up front, the other person is more likely to say, “Sure, why not” because they know the conversation has limits. You also breathe tremendous ease into the conversation. Make your "boundary statement" right at the beginning of the interaction. This establishes a restriction on their commitment. They know coming in that talking with you will not drag on for hours. For wh
