Lecture 3.docx

Grab your Bible, let\'s go over to Genesis chapter 2 and verse 24. We\'re interested here in Genesis 2, 24. After God has created both Adam and Eve, then he gives us a little brief commentary on the husband-wife relationship. But even though it\'s brief, it\'s jam-packed with all kinds of significan...

Grab your Bible, let\'s go over to Genesis chapter 2 and verse 24. We\'re interested here in Genesis 2, 24. After God has created both Adam and Eve, then he gives us a little brief commentary on the husband-wife relationship. But even though it\'s brief, it\'s jam-packed with all kinds of significance and importance. He says in verse 24, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. So there is three critical elements that are listed here in verse 24. There\'s the element of leaving, there\'s the element of being joined to, or some translations say cleaving, and then there\'s the element of becoming one flesh. Just for the sake of sound, some have translated this leaving, cleaving, and weaving together. But those are the three critical elements. And you can see that God ordained from the very beginning that the parent-child relationship is to be a temporary relationship. The parent-child relationship is to be a temporary relationship. And a little bit later on in the class, I\'m going to elaborate more on that because I think this is such a critical passage, but what should take precedence over the parent-child relationship is the husband-and-wife relationship. That is the most important. Priority. The husband and wife relationship. That\'s the thing that takes precedence over every other relationship. So from this verse we learn that in the family, the husband and wife relationship takes precedence over every other human relationship. So there\'s our three elements. There is the leaving. So in that sense, parents should make it easy for their children to leave the home, not make it hard. Maybe you\'ve seen families that are like that, parents who hold on to their kids as if they were going to have them for the rest of their lives. And they don\'t do their children a favor by doing that. Children are to be reared to leave the home, not stay in the home. I think this is vital, even though all children have a responsibility. To honor their parents, the Bible is saying here that as children grow older, they should no longer be kept in that home. They need to be graduated out of the home because the husband and wife relationship is a much higher priority. And then the husband and wife should cleave to one another or as the new American Standard translates this, be joined to one another. This is a commitment that exceeds any other human relationship or commitment. And in fact, later on in\... Proverbs chapter 2 and verse 17 and Malachi chapter 2 and verse 14, God even refers to the marital relationship as a covenant. It\'s a covenant relationship. And the husband and wife relationship is actually the word for cleave is the word that means to weld together or to be glued together in that sense. So the husband and wife relationship should be glued together. Back in ancient times, if they would have had the word superglue, I\'m sure that that would have been used here. They need to be superglued together. So to pull that relationship apart, you\'d have to take skin with it, right? Which would be very painful. Now, they should be glued together. And God later calls it a covenant, a barit, okay? Which shows how sacred that commitment is. The basis of the relationship is not some kind of primarily an emotional, romantic relationship. That\'s not the basis of the relationship. Now, that can be the outgrowth of the right kind of commitment. But the basis of the relationship is being welded together. Is there that commitment, that covenant together, that sacred promise? That is the thing that bonds that husband and wife together. There is a sacred vow that they have made before God that they consider to be unbreakable. Nothing on the earth should break that vow. Third, then there is one flesh. And this is more than just involving a physical relationship in marriage. I think that it obviously includes that. But the idea here is that they comprehensively share their life together. They comprehensively share their life together. That\'s part of becoming one flesh. You know, it\'s really interesting to watch couples as they grow older and they\'ve had a mutually satisfying marital relationship, they start to look like each other. They start to talk like each other. One of them starts a sentence and the other one finishes a sentence. They look alike, they talk alike, they eat the same things, they\'re so used to being together all the time. That is a couple that comprehensively shares their lives together. Now, modern feminism today hates that. You should never lose your individuality in a relationship. And of course, the reason why they say that is because some of that is self-protective, because when a divorce does occur, then it makes it even more painful. So you, in a sense, always keep yourself as an individual or you keep some distance with that other individual, no matter how close you may feel to them. So that if something does happen tragically and that relationship ends, you\'re not hurt as bad is the implication. But that\'s not God\'s idea at all. Setting yourself up to where you\'re preparing for a possible divorce doesn\'t that heighten the possibility of a divorce Well, I would think so. I mean Let me repeat a statement if you\'re setting yourself up for the possibility of divorce doesn\'t that heighten the probability of divorce? I would think it would I mean You rather than planning to live together for an entire lifetime Rather than doing that you\'re actually planning Contingency plans in case you get out, you know, or you feel that you have to divorce the other individual No, that should be Divorce should only occur And we\'ll talk about this a little bit later as well should only occur for two reasons number one unrepentant adultery this was Jesus talks about in Matthew chapter 19 and I realized that there are popular Bible speakers all over America today that take exception to that and rule that out only because it They say that it\'s referring to only the espousal period of the Jewish law But that is very unconvinced Unconvincing to me because I don\'t believe it\'s a true scholarly approach to what\'s going on in Matthew if that\'s the case Then then Jesus would have been very much more clearer with his words But this is only referring to the espousal espousal period but Unrepentant adultery is one of them and the other one is the abandonment of an unbelieving wife. That\'s 1st Corinthians 7 So those two exceptions, if an unbelieving wife husband or wife partner abandons you, then can you get a divorce? Should you remain locked perpetually in this relationship even though they are no longer being a husband or wife to you? No. No. God in His mercy and grace enables you to get out of that and by implication, especially it\'s clear in 1 Corinthians 7, that you can remarry. You can do that. But all these other things that people set up, joint bank accounts or not joint bank accounts, separate bank accounts in order in case of\... There\'s a separation ever in the future so that I can protect my own resources. And there\'s numerous other steps, prenuptial agreements, you know, which is planning for failure. That\'s what you\'re planning to do. So, the point however here is that the husband and wife relationship is first priority. I believe that if you talk with any of our four children growing up, they will tell you that my priority was first to their mother and then to them. And if you were to talk about my wife, they would say her priority was first to me and then to the kids. And what that does is, that doesn\'t mean that I love my children any less than you do, but that enables them to leave the home. You rear them to leave, not stay. You rear them with this idea. They\'re only there temporarily. 18, 20 years maybe. 25 years, 30 for some of them. But they\'re only there temporarily. Okay? And then they go. That\'s what God intended from the very beginning. Alright, third. The third thing that we need to see here is that the Bible teaches that the family is to be a place where people are shown respect, where people are honored. Now, if there ever was an important principle here in our day and age, this is such a key one, because oftentimes the family has so deteriorated to the point where if you want to be disrespected and dishonored, it happens in the family. That\'s a terrible thing, even for many Christian homes, Christian families. Deuteronomy 5 verse 16 talks about honor your father and your mother. Honor your father and mother. Amen. This verse is repeated on several occasions in exact form in the Bible. For example, you can see this in Mark chapter 7 and verse 10, Ephesians chapter 6 and verse 2. Honor your father and your mother. This is something that God has always intended his children to do. Honor their parents. I realize that may not, as a person grows older and becomes an adult on their own, that may not always mean obeying them. In fact, to obey them\... would, if that would mean to dishonor God, then the most honorable thing that you can do for your parents is honor God first and disobey them. But the point is, you must honor your parents. Honor your father and your mother. Also, you find this emphasis on children honoring their parents, presented in several different ways in scripture. You can see this in Proverbs 19, verse 26, and Proverbs 20, verse 20, Proverbs 23, verse 22, and Proverbs 30, verse 17. Those are several different passages that focus upon a child\'s responsibility to honor their parents. Um\... Now, there are also plenty of other verses in the Bible that talk about the way that children are to honor and treat their parents. They\'re commanded to honor father and mother. However, there are other verses that make it clear that a family is a place where every family member receives appropriate honor and respect. For example, we can see this in 1 Peter 3, 7 and Ephesians 5, 33. Wives are said, in Ephesians 5, 33, are told to respect their husbands. And the word respect there is the word phobos, which is often translated fear, but it doesn\'t mean fear is in terror, but to reverence them or highly respect them. Wives are told to do that with their husbands. 1 Peter 3, 7, husbands are told to live in an understanding way or in a knowledgeable way. In the Greek language, it\'s gnosis. Live in a knowledgeable way with your wife and treat her with respect as a weaker vessel and as an heir with you of the gracious gift of life. So you are supposed to treat her with respect and honor her and treat her like a, we\'ll talk about this later, that little phrase, a Delkha, a piece of fine china, is the idea. So husbands are to respect and honor their wives. Wives have a responsibility to respect their husbands. In 1 Timothy 3 and verse 4, fathers relate to their children in such a way that they elicit respect from their children. Here is qualification of overseers in the church. And there Paul talks about the fact that part of the qualification of an overseer is that a child must respect his father. Then you have Colossians chapter 3 and verse 21, Ephesians 6-4. One of the ways that parents can exasperate and provoke their children to a wrathful lifestyle or to a lifestyle of anger is by treating your children with disrespect. When you disrespect a child, you bring up that child in a very angry lifestyle. Treat him with disrespect. 1st Peter chapter 2 and verse 17, honor all men would certainly include family members. Paul talks about honoring all men. 1st Timothy chapter 5 and verse 4. Piety must begin at home, and in context here, piety is especially related to the way that a person treats other family members. And Ephesians chapter 4 and verse 32, exhorts us to be kind and tender-hearted to our enemies. Now if that\'s true of our enemies, how much more should it be of the way that parents treat their children and vice versa, or the way that children treat their parents? So in dealing with the question, you can see at the top of the screen, what is the family? The family really is a place where every family member is to be respected and honored. Husbands need to respect and honor their wives, wives need to respect and honor their husbands, parents need to respect and honor their children, children need to respect and honor their parents. That\'s the way the home should be. Boy, but that\'s not the condition of most homes, is it? You see a lot of homes that are, there\'s constant turmoil and strife and anger and bitterness. Back ten years ago when my wife and I moved to California, the first year we were here we stayed in a condo. I\'m going to try desperately never to do that ever again in my life. But we stayed in this condo and it was up on a second floor in this compact condo area while we were looking for a permanent place to live and stay. And, of course, the windows of our condo, when they were open during the summertime and a beautiful breeze would come through, the condos near us, their windows weren\'t that far away. And we could sit there at the dinner table and listen to what was going on in the other homes around us that were relatively close. And we were horrified. You could hear fights and quarrels and arguments and people getting angry at one another and cursing and swearing. And both of us looked at each other and said, my goodness, if this is the condition of the family in America today, we are in deep trouble. We can hear it on the right side of the condo and on the left side of the condo. This was terrible stuff. The angry stuff that was going on. And I know I\'ve been in counseling long enough to know that this happens in so-called Christian homes as well. People who profess to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, those kind of things are going on all the time. So, the family is supposed to be a place where every member is respected, every member is honored. That\'s the way the family is to be. When you get someone in the family that for one reason or another, whatever their motivation may be, is physically or sexually abusing someone, another member of the family, that is the height of dishonor. disrespect. God never intended that to be the case. God never wanted people in the family, never designed the family to be a place where people objectified one another and dishonored the Lord Jesus Christ by using and abusing people for your own interests or your own pleasures. That was never to be the case. I\'m helping to supervise a counselor right now and this particular counselor is this woman who is a wonderful gal. She graduated from our Master of Arts in Biblical Counseling program there at the college and she\'s working in a church and she\'s working on her NANK certification right now. So I\'m supervising her through some of her counseling and she is counseling a woman and her daughter, this little girl is about 11 years old, and about a year ago an extended family member sexually abused her repeatedly. And of course, this little girl, they didn\'t even know that it happened and the way they discovered it was, little girl was having pretty serious stomach problems and they took her to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed her with irritable bowel syndrome. And usually that occurs in older people, but it doesn\'t occur in adults. I mean, in young children, I mean, it doesn\'t occur in young children, especially this little girl who\'s under the age of 12. Why would a little girl have irritable bowel syndrome? Well, they began to probe and they found out that this had happened. And here she had taken all that occurred and stored it on the inside. She had stuffed it on the inside. And as a result, she was having bad dreams. She wasn\'t sleeping well at night. All these consequences had occurred. Now, formally, this particular person had been a trusted family member, extended family member, not a part of the immediate family. But obviously, after they found this out, this person was no longer a trusted family member and now is having to face consequences, legal consequences as a result of this. So, the point is this. All these kind of things, both these families by the way, both claim to be Christians. where the sexual abuse occurred in the extended family members home, that family claimed to be Christians, they went to church together, where the home, the actual little girl is, their family is a Christian. So there is a serious breakdown in the Christian home when these kind of things are happening. God never intended that to be the case here. The homeless would be a place where you sought refuge, you found safety, where you were respected, where you were honored. It\'s not a place where somebody who is bigger, stronger than you are takes advantage of you. I was never supposed to be the home, and yet in our sinful depravity, you\'re going to find yourself as pastoral counselors having to deal with this, I\'m afraid, more often than you\'d like. How do you deal with that? How do you handle that kind of thing? Which now brings us to number four. Number four is the Bible now teaches us that the family is a classroom in which the most important lessons of life are taught and learned. Back several years ago, Edith Schaefer, who was the wife of Francis Schaefer, the famous Christian philosopher, a graduate of Westminster Seminary, she wrote a book on the family and she talked about the family. She said, we ought to think of our family as a relay race in which we as parents are passing a baton of God\'s truth to them. And then she went on to point out the fact that every parent is passing something on to their children and every family some flag or baton is being passed to the next generation. Every child is being taught something in his family and unfortunately the flag or the baton that is being passed in many cases if not most families is not the truth of the word of God but some distortion of the word of God or something that\'s opposite the word of God or opposed to the word of God. Well that was not God\'s intention for the family and should not be the case in the homes of those of us who claim to be Christians. God intended the family to be a classroom or a relay race where truth not error is passed on from generation to generation. So you could say that there is a sense in which the family is analogous to a relay race.. You can see this reflected in Deuteronomy chapter 4 verses 9 and 10. The responsibility to pass on what they\'ve learned to the next generation. You can see also the same thing in Deuteronomy chapter 6 verses 6 through 25 how God intended them to pass these things on. Also, Joshua 4, verses 21 through 24 is the same. In fact, that probably is a good place to touch down there in the Old Testament. So grab your Bible just for a moment. Let\'s go over to Joshua 4, verse 21. Joshua 4, verse 21. He said to the sons of Israel when your children ask their fathers in time to come saying what are these stones? Then you shall inform your children saying Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground For the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordan before you until they had crossed just as the Lord your God had done To the Red Sea which he dried up before us until it he we had crossed That all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty so that you may fear the Lord your God forever So, again, their responsibility was to pass from one generation to the next generation the truths of what God had done, the great events. Psalm verse 78 verses 2 through 7 is another passage that really emphasizes the home being a classroom or a relay race Grab your Bible again. Let\'s go over there to Psalm 78 Verse 2 This is a psalm of Asaph. He says, I will open my mouth in a parable, I will utter dark sayings of old, which we have heard and known, and our fathers have told us. We will not conceal them from their children, but tell them to generation to come the praises of the Lord. And his strength and his wondrous works that he has done, for he established a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers, that they should teach them to their children, that the generation to come might know even the children yet to be born, that they may arise and tell them to their children, that they should put their confidence in God and not forget the works of God, but to keep his commandments. So God takes this passing of the truth of the word from one generation to another generation as a critical, critical\... Responsibility. Joel chapter one, verses two and three, God says, \"\'Hear this, O elders, and listen, \"\'all inhabitants of the land. \"\'Tell your sons about it, and tell your sons \"\'to tell their sons and their sons the next generation.\'\" So that\'s why we say the family\'s a classroom. Or you\'ve got the entire book of Proverbs from chapter 1 all the way to chapter 31. Most of that book is a father and mother passing on wisdom to their son. That\'s the responsibility. A father and mother passing on their wisdom to their son. And of course, the concept that parents should be supervising the education of their children must stand out here. That doesn\'t mean necessarily that the parents should always do all of the education of their children. Even Jesus went to the temple. But it does mean that the parents should supervise all of it. Again, Edith Schaefer states that the family should be an educational control center, and by that she means that the parent should supervise the whole educational process of their kids. That means they must make sure that the children are taught the right things. Through family Bible study, the family should provide good reading material, make sure that you attend a good church, make sure there are good opportunities in Sunday school and youth groups, and these are places that don\'t just entertain children, but they teach children the word of God. This also means you must know that their children are being taught what they\'re being taught in school. Who are your children hanging out with? What television shows are they watching? What movies are they watching? What are their reading material? It doesn\'t mean that we eliminate all non-Christian reading. We can read and interact with the world. It does mean we ought to know what reading, what they are reading, what they are watching, and to discuss those things with them. Teach them how to think, how to evaluate those things biblically. So what is the family? Well, according to God\'s word, the family is a classroom par excellence in which the most important truth of life is to be taught. That\'s the family. Let\'s pick up with number five. Not only here as we were just talking about the family is a classroom in which the most important truths about life are taught, but the fifth area is that the family the Bible teaches is really a place of safety of refuge in the time of storm. In fact, there are going to be some stormy times in our lives. That\'s just part of living on this earth. Some of you have already had some pretty stormy times in your life. But you\'re going to also have to counsel people who have some fairly stormy times in their lives too. You can see this in John chapter 16 and verse 33. John chapter 16 and verse 33. Jesus says, these things I have spoken to you so that in me you might have peace, in the world you will have tribulation but take courage I have overcome the world. So Jesus says there is a place where you have to realize that in this world there\'s going to be hardship and turmoil especially if you want to live the Christian life consistently. Proverbs chapter, or I mean Psalms chapter 90 in verse 10, as for the days of our lives they contain 70 years or if due to strength 80 years, yet their pride is but labor and sorrow for soon it is gone and we fly away. So life is going to be full of labor and life is going to be full of sorrow. I can just feel myself becoming depressed as I read these passages, but the Bible is being very realistic. Also Genesis chapter 47 verses 8 and 9. So Joseph says that his life has been unpleasant. And relatively short, at least compared to his forefathers before him. Well, and then there\'s Job, chapter 14, and verse one. And verse one. Man, Job says, who is born of woman, is short-lived and full of turmoil. Short-lived and full of turmoil. That\'s the way life is. So life is going to be full of all kinds of storms. Some of them are going to be expected storms, and some of them are going to be unexpected storms. And those storms can come in various forms. For example, family members can experience social rejection or even ridicule because of maybe your Christianity. Or there just may be something that another person just doesn\'t like about you. They blame it on the fact that you have incompatible personalities. Or there\'s something that somebody doesn\'t like about a member of your family. I remember several years ago our oldest daughter, Christa, had a, when she was in about second grade, she had another girl who was a year or two older than her who just decided to make Christa\'s life miserable. And so when Christa get on the bus in the morning to go to school there was this girl and she would trip her and she would knock her books out of her arms and she would take her homework and write all over it, scribble all over it. And. Krista was always rather tall for her age and. She was taller than this girl. I knew this girl. She lived a couple blocks up the street from us. And as a human father, I wanted to say to Krista, Krista just turn around and. Just one time and that\'ll settle the whole issue. Alright, she won\'t do it anymore. But. In our family Bible study together we had been studying Romans 12 and my wife says, Why don\'t we put Romans 12 into practice? Don\'t be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good. Yes, that\'s what we need to do. And so my wife and Krista decided on a plan that they\'d spend the evening making up big chocolate chip cookies. My wife has got this to die for chocolate chip cookie recipe. It\'s really good. Maybe before the end of the semester you\'ll get to experience some. Yes, I think you need to. You need to, just really, really good. And so\... They made a big mound of chocolate chip cookies, nice, warm and hot, and covered them over with aluminum foil, and Krista and I walked two blocks up the street to Rachel\'s house. And I stood on the sidewalk and Krista walked up to the house and knocked on the door. And lo and behold, of all the people in the family, Rachel came to the door. She was shocked to see Krista standing there. Krista said, my family and I were making some chocolate chip cookies and thought you and your family would like these here. And she set them in Rachel\'s hands and Rachel\'s looking at them like they\'re a bomb. You know, like this. And Rachel doesn\'t say a word. And Christa says, well, have a good evening. And she turns around and walks back to the sidewalk with me and then we walk home. So on the way home I\'m saying to Christa, you know, nothing may ever happen from this, but what you\'ve done today, you\'ve really pleased God in this. We\'ll make a long story short. Eventually Rachel became Christa\'s really good friend. And Rachel started coming to church with Christa. And as a result of Rachel coming to church, then her whole family started coming to church and her mom and dad became believers. And eventually Rachel and her family moved up to Wisconsin. And Christa, for years after that, would get letters from Rachel. This was long before emails. Letters from Rachel saying, and she would always sign it, your best friend Rachel. And it all started over chocolate chip cookies. Overcoming evil with good. Well, there are going to be times in which\... The members of your family are going to face social rejection and ridicule. The family should be a place of refuge from that. A safety place. A place where they\'re not going to be criticized. Furthermore, secondly, people are going to place unrealistic expectations on them. In other words, for children, they may not get the grades that they want in school. They may not make it on the basketball team or the football team. They may not make it on the cheerleading squad or in the music group that they want to be in or in the theatrical thespian group that they want to be in. For husbands, wives may come in the form of a loss of a job or\... some kind of major financial setback\... or through a child\'s radical disobedience, unexpected. But somehow there may be unrealized expectations that are occurred in the family and when that happens, the family should be a place of comfort, a place of safety. During those times of storm. Or there may be unrealistic, unreasonable expectations or demands placed upon people. There may be a teacher or a coach. That may expect certain things of your child that your child is not able to produce. Or there may be, if you\'re counseling a husband whose boss expects him to perform and make sales that he\'s incapable of really doing. This boss is putting unrealistic expectations or demands on him. He wants him to make more money for the company. So, sometimes that will happen. That will cause major storms in a home and a family. Or there can be major financial setbacks. The car breaks down at always the most inopportune time. Or somebody gets sick or ill or they have to go to the hospital. I can remember when our twin boys were born, this was over 22 years ago, that they were, when they were first born, they were placed in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit of the hospital, the NICU. And each day that they were in the hospital, it cost \$1,000 a day per child. When I got the hospital bill, which did not include the doctor\'s bill, that was in addition to that. It was more than I paid for my home. The Neonatal Intensive Care Unit of the hospital. And they had only been in there a week. It was over \$65,000 for a week. And that was back in 1987. I can\'t imagine what it would be today. For more information, visit neonatal.gov. That was a huge amount of money. I had only paid \$60,000 for our house. Back then, I thought that was a lot of money. It sounds really cheap today, but after one week in Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at the hospital, \$65,000 they\'re charging me plus the doctor bills. Oh, financial setbacks. We belong to this pastor\'s insurance company in the state of Ohio, and our case was used as a case that illustrated why they were going into financial bankruptcy. Our case was used as illustration. We couldn\'t help that. First, when my wife got pregnant, we had no idea that she had twins. And then that those twins were going to be born a month premature, and would have to spend a week in the neonatal intensive care unit at the hospital. None of that was our choice. It was totally in God\'s hands. He knew. It did bankrupt that care system, which was kind of sad. We weren\'t the only one. There were other major claims to that system too. So sometimes there\'s financial setbacks that occur in homes and families. Sometimes there\'s physical illnesses and disease that come on people. Several years ago my father was diagnosed with leukemia, a particular type of it called myelodiphylastic syndrome. And that sort of came on him out of nowhere and he was a rather healthy guy and went downhill very quickly. Just out of nowhere. So health problems, I\'m sure you can probably share many examples or stories that come out of your family or background where those kind of things have happened. That\'s a major storm that comes into a family. Well, then there are spiritual challenges, weaknesses or a time where you believe that God seems so distant, so far away. Maybe it happens with you as a parent, maybe it happens with your spouse, maybe it happens with one of your children. That\'s a major storm in life. How are they going to handle that? Well, the family should be a place where there\'s security, there\'s peace there, there\'s comfort there. It\'s a place of refuge for a person who\'s facing spiritual challenges, weaknesses. Our kids have had that. One of our kids back about four or five years ago went through a very serious time of questioning about his walk with God and about Christianity and about the Bible. And my wife and I prayed intently and worked with that kid over and over and over again. And there were times where we thought that that kid was not going to come out of it. But they eventually did praise God And if I were to bring that kid in front of you, he\'d talk about his love for the Lord. That\'s good But I\'ll tell you until those things get ironed out. It\'s a major storm in the family There\'s challenges, there\'s weaknesses, God is distant, in a class this size, you guys that have kids, I dare say that you\'re at some particular point, there\'s some of you that are gonna go through some really hard times spiritually with those kids. And you have to patiently and lovingly and faithfully work with those kids. Until they see their way through biblically, through this dark valley and time. Well, then you can see here, see, the family is to be a place of safety and a place of refuge as well. A place of safety and refuge. You can see this in Proverbs chapter 14 and verse 26, and the fear of the Lord is strong confidence, and his children will have refuge. His children will have refuge. So you can see at least in the family of God, he is his children\'s refuge. Psalm 103 and verse 13, the responsibility of the Father here is to show mercy and compassion to his children. Not to be harsh and demanding and order his kids around, but to be merciful and compassionate. That doesn\'t mean he isn\'t firm. He can be very firm, but he can be merciful and compassionate in his firmness. And then there\'s Proverbs chapter 31 verses 11 and 12 that indicates that a wife should relate to her husband in such a way that the heart of her husband may safely trust in her. Should relate to him in such a way that he will never have to seek dishonest spoil. Proverbs chapter 14 and verse 1 talks about a wise woman is one who builds up her family. She doesn\'t tear it down. Proverbs 31 verses 26 through 28. This woman opens her mouth with wisdom. The law of kindness is upon her lips. She looks well to the ways of her household. Her husband and her children raise up and praise her. Ephesians 533. She\'s the type of woman that esteems and values and admires her husband. She highly respects him and if Ephesians 533 says she reverences him. Psalm 128 verse 3. She is to be a fruitful vine in her home. And Titus 2. She\'s supposed to be busy at home for her family\'s sake. Genesis 2 18. She\'s supposed to be a suitable helper. is the idea. Well, then we also have Proverbs chapter 5 verses 15 through 20 that says that the husband should rejoice with his wife. He should refresh his wife. He should use his abilities to bring satisfaction to his wife. He should bless his wife. He should be enthusiastic about his wife, and he should be enthusiastic with his wife. That\'s his responsibility. Deuteronomy chapter 24 in verse 5, responsibility of the husband is here to spend time with his wife and to make her his priority, bringing her happiness. You show me a wife that is the priority of her husband and I will show you a very happy woman. Thank you. Victoria just pointed to herself. A very happy woman. Ephesians chapter 5, verse 28 and 29. A husband has a responsibility to nourish and cherish his wife. That is, meet her needs. Build her up in ways that she needs to be built up. We\'re not talking about artificially building up self-esteem. That\'s not what it\'s talking about. It\'s talking about encouraging her in her strengths and helping her in her weaknesses. That\'s what it\'s dealing with. That\'s building her up. So, that\'s Ephesians 5, 28, 29. In 1 Peter 3, 7, he is to dwell with his wife according to knowledge and treat her with respect as a weaker vessel and as an heir with him with the gracious gift of life. 1 Timothy 5, 8. It talks about if any man doesn\'t provide for a family, and I think providing includes more than just financial support, but there also needs to be the quote unquote emotional support that needs to be there. When they have problems, it\'s his problem. When they have struggles, they know that they can bring it to him. That\'s what a family is supposed to do. And there are a lot of verses in the way that a child should minister to their parents. Psalm 128 and verse 3, like olive branches is the way that a child should be to their parents. An olive branch yielded olives that were good to eat, supplied oil for lamps, very useful little fruit. The book of Proverbs makes it clear that in God\'s kind of family, children are concerned about the well-being of their parents. They seek to bring joy to their parents and a wise son, Proverbs 15-20 says, makes his father\'s heart glad. A wise son makes his father\'s heart glad. Sometimes I talk with young people about the fact it\'s their responsibility. They are the ones who are responsible for their parents\' disposition. They can make their parents very happy, or they can make their parents very sad. So there you have at least a partial description of what a family is intended to be. It is the antidote to loneliness. The family is a place where a husband and wife make their relationship to each other a priority issue. And then the family is also a place where people are shown respect, where people are honored, and the family is supposed to be a place of safety, of refuge during the stormy times of life. That\'s what the family ought to be according to scripture. So, that answers our question, what is the family? But let\'s move on. What type should the church provide when it comes to counseling a family? What type of counsel, in other words, should a church provide? Part of the answer to that question is ongoing counsel. Through the regular teaching ministries of the church, in order to be an asset to that family, the church should be teaching. How? Well, through the preaching services, both formally and informally. When I was still functioning as a senior pastor, once a year we would have a family enrichment conference. And our family enrichment conference was always in January. In January, all of our attention turned to family-oriented issues. I\'d break away from my normal sermon schedule and we\'d spend the entire month of January focusing on family things. And it\'s interesting, over the 15 years I was pastor there, we charted out our growth spurts as a church. And there were two times of the year we had growth spurts. One was in August and September when new people were moving into the air and new people came to our church. Starting school again, getting adjusted into school. That was our first growth spurt. The second growth spurt was always in January. And the only thing that we could attribute it to was the family enrichment conference. Where people in the community got excited about the fact and the word began to spread that this church is really interested in families. And seeing good families and godly families. So people started coming. So preaching, both formally and informally, on family issues is vitally important for the church. Secondly, there has to be classes, like in Sunday school or special elective classes, that deal with family issues. Here at Grace, we have those all the time that are going on. Parenting classes, marital classes, premarital classes are all going on. Special Bible study groups for young families or middle-aged families or elderly couples are vitally important as well. Or special seminars and marriage conferences. But you\'ve got to be careful of the national marriage conferences and weekends that tend to be heavily psychological. A lot of these very prominent national marriage conferences that claim to be Christians. Be very, very cautious of those as a pastor. some of those Conferences are really not biblical at all and you could actually do more harm to the couples in your church By sending them to those conferences or having your church attend them and you spend the next five years just Repairing the damage that some of those conferences do There are weekend retreats and single church group or groups of churches That you can theme on marriage and the family issues There\'s also discussion groups for couples and parents that you can provide usually every time here at grace when we have a some kind of Emphasis or stress that\'s laid upon parenting or marital issues the Area that\'s picked to present. This is usually packed out Because people are interested in hearing what does the Bible have to say about these things? you Also, I think a church as a as pastoral students you need to understand that the church also needs to make sure that Good resources are available. Let me explain why because a lot of the resources in your average Christian bookstore is really bad and Sometimes you have to warn families in your church stay away from that stuff I sometimes I\'ve told families as a pastor I would rather you read the secularly literature than read the supposed Christian literature on it The reason why is because the Christian literature purports that it\'s biblical And so when they read it in a book and they think that it\'s biblical when in reality it\'s not it\'s some kind of psychological notion Then they believe it more because they think it\'s biblical At least their guard is up when they\'re reading the secular literature So you need to make good resources available good books and literatures for loaning and borrowing encouraging Christians to buy good books book reviews and church newsletters and websites and bulletin boards and evening services talking about that making sure that you\'re reading Ahead and you understand what they are And then sharing them with your congregation or making audio recordings and videos available for loan or purchase or providing good family devotional material and since there is a Multitude of very harmful and misleading material in the Christian market and providing this good material is very imperative You know the material that you\'re That you\'re recommending is good. That\'s vitally important that you understand it You\'ve got to make sure it\'s good before you Share it with your congregation And you can provide warnings concerning harmful or misleading material in order to help the body of Christ gain some kind of discernment as well so there\'s a sense in which you are the sieve as a pastor and which either good or bad material is going to pass through and get to your flock. I realize your flock has a lot of voices talking at them on Christian radio and Christian television on in the area Christian bookstores and the books that they read. So you\'re not the only voice in their life, but you should be the primary influential voice other than the scripture itself. And if that\'s the case, then they should respect your recommendation on what is good and what is right. What\'s going to be helpful for a good marital relationship? What\'s going to be helpful in my parenting? What\'s going to encourage me to be more godly in the way that I treat my husband or my wife? What is that literature that\'s going to do that? And then there is third, encouraging family development through the way that the church activities are scheduled as well. The church should make sure that it plans its programs and activities in such a way that it gives people time to be at home together. You know, there are some churches that have so many activities, people aren\'t able to be at home together. There\'s always something. On Monday night, there\'s church visitation. On Tuesday night, there\'s a board meeting. On Wednesday night, there\'s a wana. On Thursday night, there\'s Bible clubs. On Friday night, there is family Bible studies. And it ends up the family has no time together. That\'s not good. We shouldn\'t schedule so many things that are going on in the church that the family doesn\'t have an opportunity to really be together. That shouldn\'t be happening. So, we have to be careful there. Yes? Are there any other related questions? I know there\'s a lot of discussion going on right now with people on all the way to extremes like Bodhi Bakam and others who would say don\'t do separate ministries so the family can be together. Yes. I mean obviously there\'s a balance to be struck. What do you see is the guiding principle that churches should use? Wow, that\'s a really good question. Because he\'s really asking a question about there are some voices out there in Christianity that go to the other extreme and say that the church is really doing the wrong thing when we have anything that takes a person away from the family. And that\'s essentially some of those voices. Well\... I think that there are some of those voices that are saying almost idealizes or they turn the family into an idolatry item. I mean\... It\'s almost as if they worship the family and that the family is the only institution. It\'s not the church is too Now I agree we can go to one extreme and over schedule a family where they can\'t meet together but I think we can also go to the other extreme and what usually happens in your average Christian home is if There is not good Bible studies Going on in the church good opportunities for service going on in the church Then those families are going to gravitate to a ministry where there is Because they know it helps them in the family it complements what the family is doing So I think that there\'s going to be a balance between complementary ministries That sometimes take people out of the out of the home without overdoing it and at the same time We give them an opportunity to also be at home together Now, we also have another thing going on in our American culture that hinders this And part of me sometimes, at least I understand the argument of families being so busy and out of the home And that is, I think we\'ll talk about this later when it comes to parenting here in the class But a lot of parents get their kids involved in every conceivable thing Karate, swimming lessons, ice skating, hockey I mean, it\'s unbelievable So mom and dad in the evenings after school are running all of creation That\'s just as harmful as the church over scheduling things for the home and family Swimming lessons, football ballet lessons, gymnastics, on and on. This list grows higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher. And the kids are never home. They\'re always running somewhere. And. Um. That is even I believe more detrimental than the church over scheduling. Long run, long term for the family. Every parent thinks that their kid\'s gonna be some super duper ballet. Ballerina or super duper soccer player or unbelievably fantastically talented violinist. Every parent thinks that and thinks that their kid\'s gonna just really excel and it\'s really devastating when you learn that your kid is just really average. Alright, and there\'s nothing wrong with average. But, so we don\'t want to go from one extreme to the other. We don\'t want to, I turn the family into an idol. And on the other hand, we don\'t want to ignore the church either. Because long after those kids are out of your family, they\'ll still have the church. And it\'s important that they have that kind of link for the church. Well, in addition to this\... More than that, it should be encouraged that married couples to date regularly. Urge them to have a weekly family night. Now, one of the reasons why we\'re saying that is because remember, it is the husband and wife relationship that takes priority over the kids\' relationship. Mom and dad need a time away. They need a time together. All their time should not be centered around the kids. Not long after our twins were born, several weeks after we had spent so much time with those kids, making sure that they were healthy and growing normally and everything was okay with them, not long after that happened, I eventually said to my wife, we got to get away and get you away from these kids. You know how hard it was to get her away from those kids? Because she had really centered her life around those twins because they were such little babies to begin with, but they began growing pretty rapidly. But it was hard to pull her away. We\'ve got to get away. We\'ve got to go on a retreat or get away for a weekend. And then after I finally got her away and we spent the weekend together and came back, she said, wow, it\'s the best thing we\'ve ever done. But trying to get her away from the kids was really hard. So\... Then another way you can do this is through the modeling of the church leaders themselves, it should be evident that their marriage and family is a priority too. The pastors, the pastoral staff, the elders of the church, and their wives all should model this as a priority, that the family is a priority. That\'s the reason why in most of our church policy, our church policy, most of our ministry or church policy was if you\'re an elder, you can only do one or two things besides being an elder. If you get yourself in any more ministries than that, then that\'s an overcommitment and it\'s gonna pull you out of the family way too often. Your ministry as an elder is going to be demanding enough, let alone teaching a Sunday school class or helping out in a Wana. There\'s gonna be a hole. You\'re not gonna have a whole lot of time with your family. Or B, how they interact with each other is also important. That is, the way in which staff families, elders families interact, husbands and wives, the way they talk to each other, the way they refer to one another, whether or not they really respect one another and love one another is really critical for modeling for the rest of the church. And then churches need to make sure that their relationship is not\... Well, by giving other couples and families opportunities to spend time with their families through hospitality, they\'re not so busy that they have no time to spend with their spouse or family. And that\'s why I think for church leadership there means to be some kind of policy that you Only can be involved in a very limited number of ministries Otherwise it will really affect your family Which really brings us to our next point, and that is really restricted service involvement. So churches really need a policy that sets limits on the number of service opportunities that a member can fulfill to keep marriage and family a priority. For example, if he\'s an elder and a Sunday school teacher, then he\'s not permitted to sing in the choir or to work in the children\'s ministry. He\'s not permitted to do that. If he\'s an elder or a Sunday school teacher, then he\'s not permitted to sing in the choir or work in the children\'s ministry. Because no matter how dedicated he may be and how faithful he is to the church, it\'s going to hurt his family. Yes, Jenny? Does this be a policy throughout the whole church, not necessarily just for elders, but for church members? Yes. Yeah, it can be a policy for everybody in the church. Yeah. Now we had some exceptions, though. We had single people who didn\'t have family responsibilities, and they could be involved in far more activities than\... than the people who are married. And you know, it\'s very interesting. I think that the apostle Paul speaks to that very issue a little sort of indirectly, but nevertheless it\'s there. Grab your Bible just for a moment. Let\'s go over to 1 Corinthians chapter seven. And 1 Corinthians seven. He says, sirs we want to Verse 32, he says, And then he says, this I say for your own benefit, not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord. So the implication here, Jenny, is that single people don\'t have the responsibilities that married people do. And so they can more wholeheartedly give themselves over to the Lord. So you don\'t want to make this such a general policy in the church that single people can\'t. get more involved than married people. That\'s really critical, I think. Then, in addition to this, there are also spontaneous efforts of fellow Christians. For example, you\'ve got the passage like Hebrews chapter 3 verses 12 and 13 says, Take care brethren that there not be in any one of you an evil unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God, but encourage one another day after day as long as it is still called today, so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. Now you notice, it is the church\'s responsibility to look out among itself to make sure there\'s not someone among them that has a sinful or evil unbelieving heart. And then later on in Hebrews 10, 24 and 25, he says, and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see a day drawing near. That is the day of Christ\'s return. So, there are these spontaneous efforts of fellow Christians also that can be an encouragement and a help to families, to marriages. We\'re dealing with how the church can be an asset with a family. That\'s what we\'re dealing with. What type of ministry should that church provide family members? So, so far we\'ve said ongoing counsel. B, there\'s also special care counseling. Through structured counseling. Sometimes this can be in the form of preventative or preparatory nature. Special care counseling. We can see examples of that. The Apostle Paul there with the Ephesian elders in Acts 20, verses 28 through 31. Especially in verse 31 where the Apostle Paul says, How I did not cease to admonish you for three years, night and day, with tears, he says. So, he was admonishing them to remain faithful to the word. And then sometimes your counseling takes on remedial or corrective nature. This is when a family has gotten into trouble, when a marriage is beginning to fall apart. Or when a home is breaking down and there\'s broken relationships. Maybe one family member has been abusive to other people within the family, physically or sexually. And then, Escalation 6.1 says, We\'re supposed to be called alongside in a restorative type of way to help a brother who has fallen into any kind of trespass. Or actually, the word there in the Greek is prolombano, is overtaken in any kind of a\... Or I think the English sometimes translates it, caught in any trespass. But the idea is that they\'ve been overtaken in it. So, we\'re supposed to come along and restore them. Fit them back so that they are functioning better as a marriage and as a home and as a family. That\'s our responsibility. And it\'s up to you as a pastor who desires to have a church with godly families that are interested in glorifying the Lord, it\'s up to you to make sure that these kind of ministries are going on to supplement that family, especially if the family begins to get into trouble. What are you going to do? Most pastors choose to punt. They\'ll send their hurting families out to some neighborhood psychologist or psychiatrist. And even though that psychologist or psychiatrist may mean well, and even though that psychologist or psychiatrist may even call themselves a Christian, does not mean that they are going to deal with their problems biblically. In fact, given their training and background, nine chances out of ten, they\'re not going to deal with it biblically. In fact, they\'ll do more harm than good to the marriage and do more harm than good to the family.