Hopeless Romantic PDF

I had bigger dreams, and bigger thoughts. I've never had a doubt of what I wanted. I believed happiness was your favorable career, your hobby and your family. Nothing more is happiness, even money. I never wanted to get a lover to share our life with. My life is mine and yours is yours, don't change...

I had bigger dreams, and bigger thoughts. I've never had a doubt of what I wanted. I believed happiness was your favorable career, your hobby and your family. Nothing more is happiness, even money. I never wanted to get a lover to share our life with. My life is mine and yours is yours, don't change or come into mine. Even though I don't want anyone, me with an unfavorable appearance I wouldn't get anyone. To be honest, boys stopped talking to me when I cut my hair. They hated me for some reason and I felt apart and far from my friends. They had similar interests, except me who couldn't find anyone with similar interests as mine. For a moment, I close my eyes and imagine someone who is compatible with me -it can be anyone. I knock myself off telling that, there's no one. That's for sure. Like, who would want a nerdy looking boy with an introverted personality who's actually a girl? I wondered why some girls at my college were scared to even talk to me? Crushing on me? Like what did they like in me, they started crushing? I wasn't worth it at all. More than that, it felt embarrassing and weird. To be honest, I pretty much hate myself. Most of the things about me were wrong, bad and lazy. I hate the fact that I'm introverted. That's the reason, I couldn't befriend or talk to any of my crushes. Even when I was dolled up, No one asked me out nor befriended me that much. Crushes were small and I went on over time -that senior girl, my classmate, some random girl who I think she's pretty from an angle, and that one guy who's always loud. My crush on him still hasn't been overcome. It's been seven years, and I still feel nervous hearing his name or seeing his face. Currently, I don't know how but he's dating one of my close friends. They were extremely compatible and probably had similar interests. I wasn't shocked, I knew it was coming. Cmon? They both went to the cinema together even before they got together. He always asks for her and they looked like a really great couple. The sad thing was she is a good friend, a great partner. And I can't get angry at her. I was glad that she had someone to put her shoulder on. I was guilty and ashamed of myself. After I cut my hair, he avoided me and I couldn't even look him in the eye. Therefore, except me, he talked and befriended the whole class. I was literally invisible and just a background character in his eyes. I don't know why he never looked or talked with me, even the other guys at least talked about something or other. But he never even spoke a word to me after I decided to change. Was it my appearance? I was sure that he hated me because I had an unappealing appearance. Before I decided to cut my hair, he talked to me and kind of befriended me. In my last years of school, he barely came to class because of his admission in another Institute. He was literally perfect in everything. He excelled in sports, studies and socializing. I was neither good at them. He was the loudest, the most extroverted and the most loved boy in school. During our farewell, I hated that. Not my thing. But I still enjoyed some of it. The boys came in suits and the girls in sarees. And there I was in a blue shirt and a black pants. People would definitely confirm I was a lesbian, and they really did. I looked like a buffoon in between everyone. And he became cool and suddenly attractive. I hadn't thought of him handsome but that day he was. It was never an Infatuation, I started to like him after a few months of his arrival. He was in a black suit, similar to the boys. He talked with every one of them, except me. Of course, why would he want to talk to me? It's better to just think of me as a rock. He sat at the front, wearing coolers and commenting loud. A girl was close to him, I wasn't jealous for sure because she has a boyfriend. Except her, it was that close friend who was close with him and girlfriend now. If people asked me to sing a song, that one song I would always say. It always came right into my mind. And he sang that same song at our farewell. No one suggested the song, he chose that song to sing. I read somewhere that girls usually avoid their crush and boys do that too? For a second I hoped it was true, and the next second I felt it wasn't the case for my crush. It was really easy to talk to me, I think. He could talk with me, but never in his life. For a period, I was extremely crushing on him that I knew everything about him. In math class one time, the teacher asked our favorite ice cream. I raised for chocolate. And he raised for blackcurrant. From that day on till now, my favorite ice cream flavor is blackcurrant. Even I changed my favorite color. He likes green so I like green. Other times, our interests matched. He sometimes talked out the words I had on my mind. I remember him saying he loved drinking hot pure milk,..me too! I never said anything aloud. Even if I said that, he wouldn't consider it. I'm a rock to him, remember? He loved science, and I loved arts. He had appeared in my dreams countless times. Sometimes he was my husband, and beside him I was the old me who loved to dress up. Other times, it was some rando or a Chinese angel, it was the best dream I had. Anyways, thinking about him is useless. It is a delusional thought of him with me. Sometimes I just wanna have a conversation with him, or just say ‘hi’ to him. I would be glad if he even looked at me. I wouldn't even know if he was compatible with me. I don't think he is a cinephile or video gamer. I don't think he knows how to play instruments or loves art. He loves biology and sports. I don't have much interest in either of them. I have let go of him long back, but that small thing tingling in my heart never let go. Another fact is that he's a year younger than me. But it never looked like it, because of his height. The happiest I was amidst him, his girlfriend/ my friend said something that he wanted to say to me. I previously had a thought of filming a short film with my classmates. I wanted to know who and all want to be a part of it. So, I sent a google file of choices and the short film news. And he responded 4 times in a row. I got four responses from him. He first wanted to be a part of it, but then didn't want to. And my friend said that he was sorry to not be a part of my filmmaking and he wished to be in it but he couldn't because of his higher studies and exams. I was so out of the world after hearing it. I couldn't recall what exactly she told me, but it made me happy that for once he saw me as a human. He could have ignored it. He could have not thought of saying that to me. Then, something is there right? I'm being delusional again. I'm just hopeless for his attention and friendship. The reason he ignores me, I guess it's my hairstyle. One of my brothers told me to grow my hair, because I looked pretty in that. So, should I grow it out just for his attention? I want someone who likes me for who I am. If that's his case, I don't want him as a boyfriend. Just a one on one face to face conversation is enough. When he first came as a new student, I didn't like him. He was staring blankly at us like a creep and I was disgusted for some reason. I don't know when it started, but after a few months I started to like him. I've seen and read stories of the guy talking or liking a girl like me. That's fictional, and it doesn't happen in real life. Or did they think I was a lesbian, and ignored me? First of all, I'm not gay. Second of all, gays are people too. You can't just ignore them just because they like the same sex. Third of all, people assume I'm rude, scary and bold because of my hairstyle. I'm scary at times but not rude and definitely not bold. As I've said, I can't even talk to my crushes. I can understand that guys like girls who look like ‘girls’. Therefore, I've no chance of him talking with me. The word ignorance can be defined as, Me and my friend (my crush's current girlfriend) were sitting on the platform near the ground. The boys and he came towards us. He had a five star, and asked my friend if she wanted it. She took one, talked with them and they went to play. Was I even there? For just the sake of humanity, he could've asked me. They just ignored me. Did I have a superpower or was it intentional? He even talked with my sister, but not me? I can't just wait for him to come and talk to me. But I can't even say his name or look at him. I become a rock when he's near. To be honest, my friend wasn't even attractive but had a great personality. He of course went for her personality. He is a funny person therefore he fell for a funny girl. What about me? Did I have a very bad personality, that it was best to just ignore me? I've heard from my friend that he wasn't the greatest boyfriend and all, but at least she got what she liked. Except for my career, I never had a chance to talk with someone I liked. As I said, he was an extrovert, so he would talk with everyone even with the person he hates. But he wouldn't talk with rocks or invisible silent beings who can't even look him in the eyes. The funny thing is, my friends have no idea. Except for him, I've told them about my previous crushes. God, he is not even attractive but I still fell for him? Sure girls like people who just ignore them. I'm not an exception. I'm just like the same hopeless romantic as everyone else. Closing this on as my ‘First Love’. So embarrassing but I don't really care. For seven years, and counting this year, I lived as a rock in the eyes of that one boy.