Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High PDF

PRAISE FOR CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS "Relationships are the priority of life, and conversations are the crucial element in profound caring of relationships. This book helps us to think about what we really want to say. If you want to succeed in both talking and listening, read this book." -Dr. Lloyd J. Ogilvie, chaplain, United States Senate "Important, lucid, and practical, Crucial Conversations is a book that will make a difference in your life. Learn how to flour ish in every difficult situation." -Robert E. Quinn, ME Tracy Collegiate Professor of OBHRM, University of Michigan Business School "I was personally and professionally inspired by this book-and I'm not easily impressed. In the fast-paced world of IT, the success of our systems, and our business, depends on crucial conversations we have every day. Unfortunately, because our environment is so technical, far too often we forget about the 'human systems' that make or break us. These skills are the missing foundation piece." -Maureen Burke, manager of training, Coca-Cola Enterprises, Inc. "The book is compelling. Yes, I found myself in too many of their examples of what not to do when caught in these worst-of-all worlds situations! GET THIS BOOK, WHIP OUT A PEN AND GET READ Y TO SCRIBBLE MARGIN NOTES FURIOUSLY, AND PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE THE INVALUABLE TOOLS THESE AUTHORS PRESENT. I know I did-and it helped me salvage several difficult situations and repair my damaged self-esteem in others. I will need another copy pretty soon. as I'm wearing out the pages in this one!" -James Belasco. be s t sell ing author of Flight of the Buffalo, - l!l1trl!prl!l1eur. professor. und l!xl!cutive director of the Financial Tilllrs Knowkdgc Diuloguc "Crucial Conversations is the most useful self-help book I have ever read.I'm awed by how insightful, readable, well organized, and focused it is. I keep thinking: 'If only I had been exposed to these dialogue skills 30 years ago... ' " -John Hatch, founder, FINCA International "One of the greatest tragedies is seeing someone with incredible talent get derailed because he or she lacks some basic skills. Crucial Conversations addresses the number one reason execu tives derail, and it provides extremely helpful tools to operate in a fast-paced, results-oriented environment." -Karie A. Willyerd, chief talent officer, Solectron "The book prescribes, with structure and wit, a way to improve on the most fundamental element of organizational learning and growth-honest, unencumbered dialogue between individuals. There are one or two of the many leadership/management 'thought' books on my shelf that are frayed and dog-eared from use.Crucial Conversations will no doubt end up in the same con dition." -John Gill, VP of Human Resources, Rolls Royce USA Crucial Conversations Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and AI Switzler MCGRAW-HILL New York ChIcago San FrancIsco LIsbon London Madrzd MexIco CIty MIlan New DelhI San Juan Seoul Singapore Sydney Toronto Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Crucial Conversations : tools for talking when stakes are high / Kerry Patterson... [et al.]. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 0-07-140194-6 1. International communication. 2. Interpersonal relations. I. Patterson, Kerry, 1946- BF637.C45.C78 2002 153.6-dc21 2002001129 McGraw-Hill A Division of The McGraw·Hill Companies Copyright © 2002 by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a data base or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 DOC/DOC 0 9 8 7 ISBN 0-07-140194-6 This book was set in R Life Roman by Patricia Caruso of McGraw-Hill Professional's DTP composition unit in Hightstown, N.J. Printed and bound by R.R. Donnelly & Sons Company. McGraw-Hill books are available at special quantity discounts to use as premiums and sales promotions, or for use in corporate training programs. For more information, please write to the Director of Special Sales, Professional Publishing, McGraw-Hill, Two Penn Plaza, New York, NY 10121-2298. Or contact your local bookstore. We dedicate this book to Louise, Celia, Bonnie, and Linda- whose support is abundant, whose love is nourishin and whose patience is just shy of infinite. And to our children Christine, Rebecca, Taylofi Scott, Aislinn, Carat Seth, Samue Hyrum, Ambefi Megan, Chase, Hayley, Bryn, Ambefi Laura, Becca, Rachael, Benjamin, Meridith, Lindsey, Kelley, Todd who have been a wonderful source of learning. Contents FOREWORD XI ACKNOWLEDGMENTS XV CH. 1: What's a Crucial Conversation? And Who Cares? 1 CH. 2: Mastering Crucial Conversations The Power of Dialogue 17 CH. 3: Start with Heart How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want 27 CH. 4: Learn to Look How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk 45 CH. 5: Make It Safe How to Make It Safe to Talk about Almost Anything 65 CH. 6: Master My Stories How to Stay in Dialogue When You 're Angry, Scared, or Hurt 93 X CONTENTS CH. 7: STATE My Path How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively 119 CH. 8: Explore Others' Paths How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up 141 CH. 9: Move to Action How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Action and Results 161 CH. 10: Putting It All Together Tools for Preparing and Learning 179 CH. 11: Yeah, But Advice for Tough Cases 193 CH. 12: Change Your Life How to Turn Ideas into Habits 215 ENDNOTES 229 INDEX 231 Foreword This is a breakthrough book. That is exactly how I saw it when I first read the manuscript. I so resonated with the importance, power, and timeliness of its message that I even suggested to the authors that they title it "Breakthrough Conversations." But as I read deeper, listened to the tapes, and experienced the insight borne of years of experience with this material, I came to under stand why it is titled Crucial Conversations. From my own work with organizations, including families, and from my own experience, I have come to see that there are a few defining moments in our lives and careers that make all the difference. Many of these defining moments come from "crucial" or "breakthrough" conversations with important peo ple in emotionally charged situations where the decisions made take us down one of several roads, each of which leads to an entirely different destination. I can see the wisdom in the assertion of the great historian Arnold Toynbee, who said that you can pretty well summarize all of history-not only of society, but of institutions and of people in four words: Nothing fails like success. In other words, when a challenge in life is met by a response that is equal to it, you have success. But when the challenge moves to a higher level, the old, once successful response no longer works-it fails; thus, nothing fails like success. XII FOREWORD The challenge has noticeably changed for our lives, our fami lies, and our organizations. Just as the world is changing at frightening speed and has become increasingly and profoundly interdependent with marvelous and dangerous technologies, so, too, have the stresses and pressures we all experience exponen tially increased. This charged atmosphere makes it all the more imperative that we nourish our relationships and develop tools, skills, and enhanced capacity to find new and better solutions to our problems. These newer, better solutions will not represent "my way" or "your way"-they will represent "our way." In short, the solu tions must be synergistic, meaning that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Such synergy may manifest itself in a bet ter decision, a better relationship, a better decision-making process, increased commitment to implement decisions made, or a combination of two or more of these. What you learn is that "crucial conversations" transform peo ple and relationships. They are anything but transacted; they create an entirely new level of bonding. They produce what Buddhism calls "the middle way"-not a compromise between two opposites on a straight-line continuum, but a higher middle way, like the apex of a triangle. Because two or more people have created something new from genuine dialogue, bonding takes place-just like the bonding that takes place in family or marriage when a new child is created. When you produce some thing with another person that is truly creative, it's one of the most powerful forms of bonding there is. In fact the bonding is so strong that you simply would not be disloyal in his or her absence, even if there were social pressure to join others in bad mouthing. The sequential development of the subject matter in this book is brilliant. It moves you from understanding the supernal power FOREWORD XIII of dialogue, to clarifying what you really want to have happen and focusing on what actually is happening, to creating conditions of safety, to using self-awareness and self-knowledge. And finally, it moves you to learning how to achieve such a level of mutual understanding and creative synergy that people are emotionally connected to the conclusions reached and are emotionally willing and committed to effectively implementing them. In short, you move from creating the right mind- and heart-set to developing and utilizing the right skill-set. In spite of the fact that I have spent many years writing and teaching similar ideas, I found myself being deeply influenced, motivated, and even inspired by this material-learning new ideas, going deeper into old ideas, seeing new applications, and broaden ing my understanding. I've also learned how these new techniques, skills, and tools work together in enabling crucial conversations that truly create a break with the mediocrity or mistakes of the past. Most breakthroughs in life truly are "break-withs." When I first put my hands on this book, I was delighted to see that dear friends and colleagues had drawn on their entire lives and professional experiences to not only address a tremendously important topic, but also to do it in a way that is so accessible, so fun, so full of humor and illustration, so full of common sense and practicality. They show how to effectively blend and use both intellectual (1.0.) and emotional intelligence (E.O.) to enable crucial conversations. I remember one of the authors having a crucial conversation with his professor in college. The professor felt that this student was neither paying the price in class nor living up to his potential. This student, my friend, listened carefully, restated the professor's concern, expressed appreciation for the professor's affirmation of his potential and then smilingly and calmly said, "My focus is on , XIV FOREWORD other priorities, and the class is just not that important to me at this time. I hope you can understand." The teacher was taken aback, but then started to listen. A dialogue took place, new understanding was achieved, and the bonding was deepened. I know these authors to be outstanding individuals and remarkable teachers and consultants, and have even seen them work their magic in training seminars-but I didn't know if they could take this complex topic and fit it into a book. They did. I encourage you to really dig into this material, to pause and think deeply about each part and how the parts are sequenced. Then apply what you've learned, go back to the book again, learn some more, and apply your new learnings. Remember, to know and not to do is really not to know. I think you'll discover, as have I, that crucial conversations, as powerfully described in this book, reflect the insight of this excerpt of Robert Frost's beautiful and memorable poem, "The Road Not Taken": Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;... I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. - Stephen R. Covey Acknowledgments We are deeply grateful to many. First, to our colleagues at VitalSmarts, we express apprecia tion for creativity, discipline, competence, and friendship. Thanks to Charla Allen, James Allred, Mike Carter, Benson Dastrup, Kevin Koger, Kevin Sheehan, Jed Thompson, Mindy Waite, and Yan Wang. Also we appreciate our colleagues for their indispensable help in teaching and testing these ideas: Bemell Christensen, Larry Myler, Bev Roesch, and Steve Willis. And to our associate friends who have worked hard to change lives and organizations with these concepts-and provided invaluable feedback for refining them: Mike Allen, Karol Bailey, Pat Banks, Mike Cook, Brint Driggs, Simon Lia, Mike Miller, Jim Munoa, Stacy Nelson, Larry Peters, Betsy Pickren, Mike Quinlan, Ron Ragain, James Sanwick, Kurt Southam, Neil Staker, Joe Thigpen, and Michael Thompson. Thanks to our agent, Michael Broussard, for getting us the opportunity to share our message. And thanks to our editor, Nancy Hancock, a world-class partner in producing this book and a master of crucial conversations. And one final, sweeping, large thanks. So many have helped us over the years, that we add this admittedly blanket thanks to the clients, colleagues, friends, teachers, and associates on whose shoulders we stand. 1 The void created by the failure to communicate is soon filled with poison, drive and mlstepre$entation. -c. NORTHCOTE PARKINSON What's a Crucial Conversation? And Who Cares? When people first hear the term "crucial conversation," many conjure up images of presidents, emperors, and prime ministers seated around a massive table while they debate the future of the world. Although it's true that such discussions have a wide sweeping and lasting impact, they're not the kind we have in mind. The crucial conversations we're referring to in the title of this book are interactions that happen to everyone. They're the day-to-day conversations that affect your life. Now, what makes one of your conversations crucial as opposed to plain vanilla? First, opinions vary. For example, you're talking with your boss about a possible promotion. She thinks you're not ready; you think you are. Second, stakes are high. You're in a meeting with four coworkers and you're trying to pick a new marketing strategy. You've got to do something different or your company isn't going to hit its annual goals. Third, emotions run strong. You're in the middle of a casual discussion with your spouse and he or she brings up an "ugly incident" that took place at yesterday's neighborhood block party. Apparently not only did you flirt with someone at the party, but according to your spouse, "You were practically making out." You don't remember flirting. You simply remember being polite and friendly. Your spouse walks off in a huff. And speaking of the block party, at one point you're making small talk with your somewhat crotchety and always colorful neighbor about his shrinking kidneys when he says, "Speaking of the new fence you're building... " From that moment on you end up in a heated debate over placing the new fence-three inches one way or the other. Three inches ! He finishes by threat ening you with a lawsuit, and you punctuate your points by men tioning that he's not completely aware of the difference between his hind part and his elbow. Emotions run really strong. What makes each of these conversations crucial-and not sim ply challenging, frustrating, frightening, or annoying-is that the results could have a huge impact on the quality of your life. In each case, some element of your daily routine could be forever altered for better or worse. Clearly a promotion could make a big differ ence. Your company's success affects you and everyone you work with. Your relationship with your spouse influences every aspect of your life. Even something as trivial as a debate over a property line affects how you get along with your neighbor. If you handle even a seemingly insignificant conversation poorly, you establish a pattern of behavior that shows up in all of your crucial conversations. By definition, crucial conversations are about tough issues. Unfortunately, it's human nature to back away from discussions we fear will hurt us or make things worse. We're masters at avoid ing these tough conversations. Coworkers send email to caI.:h other when they should walk down the hall and talk turkey. Bosses leave voice mail in lieu of meeting with their direct reports. Family members change the subject when an issue gets too risky. We (the authors) have a friend who learned through a voice-mail message that his wife was divorcing him. We use all kinds of tactics to dodge touchy issues. But it doesn't have to be this way. If you know how to handle (even master) crucial conversations, you can step up to and effec tively hold tough conversations about virtually any topic. Crucial Conversation (kroo shel kan'viir sa'shen) n A discussion between two or more people where ( 1 ) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong. HOW DO WE TYPICALLY HANDLE CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS? Just because we're in the middle of a crucial conversation (or maybe thinking about stepping up to one) doesn't mean that we're in trouble or that we won't fare well. In truth, when we face crucial conversations, we can do one of three things: We can avoid them. We can face them and handle them poorly. We can face them and handle them well. That seems simple enough. Walk away from crucial conversa tions and suffer the consequences. Handle them poorly and suf fer the consequences. Or handle them well. "I don't know," you think to yourself. "Given the three choic es, I'll go with handling them well." We're on Our Worst Behavior But do we handle them wel l? When talking turns tough, do we pause, takc a deep brcuth, u nnl.>uncc to our innerselves, "Uh-oh, 4 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS this discussion is crucial. I'd better pay close attention" and then trot out our best behavior? Or when we're anticipating a poten tially dangerous discussion, do we step up to it rather than scam per away? Sometimes. Sometimes we boldly step up to hot topics, monitor our behavior, and offer up our best work. We mind our Ps and Os. Sometimes we're just flat-out good. And then we have the rest of our lives. These are the moments when, for whatever reason, we either anticipate a crucial conver sation or are in the middle of one and we're at our absolute worst-we yell; we withdraw; we say things we later regret. When conversations matter the most-that is, when conversations move from casual to crucial-we're generally on our worst behavior. Why is that? We're designed wrong. When conversations tum from routine to crucial, we're often in trouble. That's because emotions don't exactly prepare us to converse effectively. Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to handle crucial conversations with flying fists and fleet feet, not intelligent persuasion and gen tle attentiveness. For instance, consider a typical crucial conversation. Someone says something you disagree with about a topic that matters a great deal to you and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. The hairs you can handle. Unfortunately, your body does more. Two tiny organs seated neatly atop your kidneys pump adrenaline into your bloodstream. You don't choose to do this. Your adrenal glands do it, and then you have to live with it. And that's not all. Your brain then diverts blood from activi ties it deems nonessential to high-priority tasks such as hitting and running. Unfortunately, as the large muscles of the arms and legs get more blood, the higher-level reasoning sections of your brain get less. As a result, you end up facing challenging conversations with the same equipment available to a rhesus monkey. WHAT'S A CRUCIAL CONVERSATION? 5 We're under pressure. Let's add another factor. Crucial con versations are frequently spontaneous. More often than not, they come out of nowhere. And since you're caught by surprise, you're forced to conduct an extraordinarily complex human interaction in real time-no books, no coaches, and certainly no short breaks while a team of therapists runs to your aid and pumps you full of nifty ideas. What do you have to work with? The issue at hand, the other person, and a brain that's preparing to fight or take flight. It's lit tle wonder that we often say and do things that make perfect sense in the moment, but later on seem, well, stupid. "What was I thinking?" you wonder. The truth is, you were real-time multitasking with a brain that was working another job. You're lucky you didn't suffer a stroke. We're stumped. Now let's throw in one more complication. You don't know where to start. You're making this up as you go along because you haven't often seen real-life models of effec tive communication skills. Let's say that you actually planned for a tough conversation-maybe you've even mentally rehearsed. You feel prepared, and you're as cool as a cucumber. Will you succeed? Not necessarily. You can still screw up, because practice doesn't make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect. This means that first you have to know what to practice. Sometimes you don't. After all, you may have never actually seen how a certain problem is best handled. You may have seen what not to do-as modeled by a host of friends, colleagues, and, yes, even your parents. In fact, you may have sworn time and again not to act the same way. Left with no healthy models, you're now more or less stumped. So what do you do? You do what most people do. You wing it. You piece together the words, create a certain mood, and otherwise make up what you think will work-all the while 6 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS multiprocessing with a half-starved brain. It's little wonder that when it matters the most, we're often at our worst behavior. We act in self-defeating ways. In our doped-up, dumbed-down state, the strategies we choose for dealing with our crucial con versations are perfectly designed to keep us from what we actu ally want. We're our own worst enemies-and we don't even realize it. Here's how this works. Let's say that your significant other has been paying less and less attention to you. You realize he or she has a busy job, but you still would like more time together. You drop a few hints about the issue, but your loved one doesn't handle it well. You decide not to put on added pressure, so you clam up. Of course, since you're not all that happy with the arrangement, your dis pleasure now comes out through an occasional sarcastic remark. "Another late night, huh? Do you really need all of the money in the world?" Unfortunately (and here's where the problem becomes self defeating) , the more you snip and snap, the less your loved one wants to be around you. So your significant other spends even less time with you, you become even more upset, and the spi ral continues. Your behavior is now actually creating the very thing you didn't want in the first place. You're caught in an unhealthy, self-defeating loop. Or consider what's happening with your roommate Terry who wears your and your other two roommates' clothes (without asking)-and he's proud of it. In fact, one day while walking out the door, he glibly announced that he was wearing something from each of your closets. You could see Taylor's pants, Scott's shirt, and, yes, even Chris's new matching shoes-and-socks ensemble. What of yours could he possibly be wearing? Eww! Your response, quite naturally, has been to bad-mouth Terry behind his back. That is until one day when he overheard you WHATS A CRUCIAL CONVERSATION? 7 belittling him to a friend, and you're now so embarrassed that you avoid being around him. Now when you're out of the apartment, he wears your clothes, eats your food, and uses your computer out of spite. Let's try another example. You share a cubicle with a four-star slob and you're a bit of a neat freak. In Odd Couple parlance, you're Felix and he's Oscar. Your coworker has left you notes written in grease pencil on your file cabinet, in catsup on the back of a french-fry bag, and in permanent marker on your desk blot ter. You, in contrast, leave him typed Post-it notes. Typed. At first you sort of tolerated each other. Then you began to get on each other's nerves. You started nagging him about cleaning up. He started nagging you about your nagging. Now you're beginning to react to each other. Every time you nag, he becomes upset, and, well, let's say that he doesn't exactly clean up. Every time he calls you an "anal-retentive nanny," you vow not to give in to his vile and filthy ways. What has come from all this bickering? Now you're neater than ever, and your cubicle partner's half of the work area is about to be condemned by the health department. You're caught in a self-defeating loop. The more the two of you push each other, the more you create the very behaviors you both despise. Some Com mon Crucial Conversations In each of these examples of unhealthy self-perpetuation, the stakes were moderate to high, opinions varied, and emotions ran strong. Actually, to be honest, in a couple of the examples the stakes were fairly low at first, but with time and growing emo tions, the relationship eventually turned sour and quality of life suffered-making the risks high. These examples, of course, are merely the tip of an enormous and ugly iceberg of problems stemming from crucial conversations 8 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS that either have been avoided or have gone wrong. Other topics that could easily lead to disaster include Ending a relationship Talking to a coworker who behaves offensively or makes sugges tive comments Asking a friend to repay a loan Giving the boss feedback about her behavior Approaching a boss who is breaking his own safety or quality policies Critiquing a colleague's work Asking a roommate to move out Resolving custody or visitation issues with an ex-spouse Dealing with a rebellious teen Talking to a team member who isn't keeping commitments Discussing problems with sexual intimacy Confronting a loved one about a substance abuse problem Talking to a colleague who is hoarding infonnation or resources Giving an unfavorable performance review Asking in-laws to quit interfering Talking to a coworker about a personal hygiene problem OUR AUDACIOUS CLAIM Let's say that either you avoid tough issues or when you do bring them up, you're on your worst behavior. What's the big deal? How high are the stakes anyway? Do the consequences of a fouled-up conversation extend beyond the conversation itself? Should you worry? WHAT'S A CRUCIAL CONVERSATION? 9 Actually, the effects of conversations gone bad can be both devastating and far reaching. Our research has shown that strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power-the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics. So here's the audacious claim. Master your crucial conversa tions and you'llkick-start your career, strengthen your relation ships, and improve your health. As you and others master high stakes discussions, you'll also vitalize your organization and your community. Kick-Start Your Career Could the ability to master crucial conversations help your career? Absolutely. Twenty-five years of research with twenty thousand people and hundreds of organizations has taught us that individu als who are the most influential-who can get things done, and at the same time build on relationships-are those who master their crucial conversations. For instance, high performers know how to stand up to the boss without committing career suicide. We've all seen people hurt their careers over tough issues. You may have done it your self. Fed up with a lengthy and unhealthy pattern of behavior, you finally speak out-but a bit too abruptly. Oops. Or maybe an issue becomes so hot that as your peers twitch and fidget them selves into a quivering mass of potential stroke victims, you decide to say something. It's not a pretty discussion-but some body has to have the guts to keep the boss from doing something stupid. (Gulp.) As it turns out, you don't have to choose between being hon est and being effective. You don't have to choose between candor and your career. People who routinely hold crucial conversations and hold them well are able to express controversial and even 1 0 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS risky opinions in a way that gets heard. Their bosses, peers, and direct reports listen without becoming defensive or angry. What about your career? Are there crucial conversations that you're not holding or not holding well? Is this undermining your influence? And more importantly, would your career take a step forward if you could improve how you're dealing with these conversations? Improve Your Organization Okay, so individual careers may sink or swim based on crucial conversations, but how about organizations? Surely a soft-and gushy factor such as how you talk to one another doesn't have an impact on the not so soft-and-gushy bottom line. For twenty-five years we (the authors) explored this very issue. We (and hundreds of others) searched for keys to organizational success. Most of us studying the elusive topic figured that some thing as large as a company's overall success would depend on something as large as a company's strategy, structure, or systems. After all, organizations that maintain best-in-class productivity rely on elegant performance-management systems. Widespread productivity couldn't result from anything less, could it? We weren't alone in our thinking. Every organization that attempted to bring about improvements-at least the companies we had heard of-began by revamping their performance-management systems. Then we actually studied those who had invested heavily in spiffy new performance-management systems. It turns out that we were dead wrong. Changing structures and systems alone did little to improve performance. For example, one study of five hundred stunningly productive organizations revealed that peak performance had absolutely nothing to do with forms, pro cedures, and policies that drive performance management. In WHAT'S A CRUCIAL CONVERSATION? 11 fact, half of the highflyers had almost no formal performance management processes.! What's behind their success? It all comes down to how people handle crucial conversations. Within high-performing com panies, when employees fail to deliver on their promises, col leagues willingly and effectively step in to discuss the problem. In the worst companies, poor performers are first ignored and then transferred. In good companies, bosses eventually deal with problems. In the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable-regardless of level or position. The path to high productivity passes not through a static system, but through face-to-face conversations at all levels. Solve pressing problems. The best companies in almost any critical area are the ones that have developed the skills for deal ing effectively with conversations that relate to that specific topic. For example: Safety. When someone violates a procedure or otherwise acts in an unsafe way, the first person to see the problem, regard less of his or her position, steps up and holds a crucial con versation. Productivity. If an employee underperforms, fails to live up to a promise, doesn't carry his or her fair share, or simply isn't productive enough, the affected parties address the problem immediately. Diversity. When someone feels offended, threatened, insulted, or harassed, he or she skillfully and comfortably, discusses the issue with the offending party. Quality. In companies where quality rules, people discuss problems face-to-face when they first come up. Ellery other hot topic. Companies that are best-in-class in inno vation. teamwork, change management, or any other area that 12 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS calls for human interaction are best-in-class in holding the rel evant crucial conversations. What's the relationship between success in a key area and crucial conversations? Companies that make impressive improvements in key performance areas (and eventually master them) are gen erally no different than others in their efforts to improve. They conduct the same awareness training, print the same banners, and make the same speeches. They differ in what happens when someone does something wrong. Rather than waiting for a poli cy to kick in or a leader to take charge, people step up, speak up, and thrive. Equally important, if it's a leader who seems to be out of line, employees willingly speak up, the problem is solved, and the company moves on. So what about you? Is your organization stuck in its progress toward some important goal? If so, are there conversations that you're either avoiding or botching? And how about the people you work with? Are they stepping up to or walking away from crucial conversations? Could you take a big step forward by improving how you deal with these conversations? I m prove You r Relationships Consider the impact crucial conversations can have on your relationships. Could failed crucial conversations lead to failed relationships? As it turns out, when you ask the average person what causes couples to break up, he or she usually suggests that it's due to differences of opinion. You know, people have differ ent theories about how to manage their finances, spice up their love lives, or rear their children. In truth, everyone argues about important issues. But not everyone splits up. It's how you argue that matters. For example, when Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman (two noted marriage scholars) examined couples in the throes of WHAfS A CRUCIAL CONVERSATION? 13 heated discussions, they learned that people fall into three cate gories-those who digress into threats and name-calling, those who revert to silent fuming, and those who speak openly, hon estly, and effectively. Mter watching dozens of couples, the two scholars predicted relationship outcomes and tracked their research subjects' rela tionships for the next ten years. Sure enough, they had predicted nearly 90 percent of the divorces that occurred.2 Over time, cou ples who found a way to state their opinions about high-stakes, controversial, and emotional issues honestly and respectfully remained together. Those who didn't, split up. Now, what about you? Think of your own important relation ships. Are there a few crucial conversations that you're current ly avoiding or handling poorly? Do you walk away from some issues only to come charging back into others? Do you hold in ugly opinions only to have them tumble out as sarcastic remarks or cheap shots? How about your significant other or family members? Are they constantly toggling from seething silence to subtle but costly attacks? When it matters the most (after all, these are your cherished loved ones), are you on your worst behavior? If so, you definitely have something to gain by learn ing more about how to handle crucial conversations. Revitalize Your Community Next, let's look at our neighborhoods and communities. If the fate of an organization is largely determined by how pivotal conver sations are habitually handled, why should the communities that surround them be any different? The truth is, they aren't. The difference between the best communities and the good or the worst is not the number of problems they have. All commu nities face problems. Once again, the difference lies in how they deal with problems. In the best communities, key individuals 1 4 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS and groups find a way to engage in healthy dialogue. They talk through important issues. In contrast, communities that fail to improve play costly games. During community meetings peo ple insult one another, become indignant, and act as if indi viduals with differing views are sick or deranged. Battles ensue. In addition to how people behave in public forums, private behavior affects community health as well. Take, for example, the problem of crime. You might be shocked to discover a rather tragic statistic. Not everyone in prison is a career criminal who was born into a horrible family, then shaped by abuse and neg lect into a seething sociopath. In fact, over half of the people who are convicted of violent crimes are first-time offenders who commit crimes against friends or loved ones.3 How could this be? Violence is often preceded by prolonged periods of silence. Most inmates once held a job, paid their bills, and remembered their friends' birthdays. Then one day, after allowing unresolved problems to build up and then boil over, they attacked a friend, loved one, or neighbor. That's right, convicted first-time offenders are often not career crimi nals. They're our frustrated neighbors. Since they don't know what to say or how to say it, they opt for force. In this case, the inability to work through tough issues devastates individuals, ruins families, and poisons communities. What about where you live? What crucial issues does your community face? Are there conversations that people are not holding or not holding well that keep you from progress? Is crime skyrocketing? Do your community meetings look more like the Jerry Springer show than an energetic forum for healthy communication? If so, both you and the community have a lot to gain by focusing on how you handle high-stakes discussions. WHArs A CRUCIAL CONVERSATION? 15 I m prove Your Personal Health If the evidence so far isn't compelling enough to focus your attention on crucial conversations, what would you say if we told you that the ability to master high-stakes discussions is a key to a healthier and longer life? Immune systems. Consider the groundbreaking research done by Dr. Janice Kiecolt-Glaser and Dr. Ronald Glaser. They studied the immune systems of couples who had been married an aver age of forty-two years by comparing those who argued constantly with those who resolved their differences effectively. It turns out that arguing for decades doesn 'f lessen the destructive blow of constant conflict. Quite the contrary. Those who routinely failed their crucial conversations had far weaker immune systems than those who found a way to resolve them well.4 Of course, the weaker the immune system, the worse their health. Life-threatening diseases. In perhaps the most revealing of all the health-related studies, a group of subjects who had contracted malignant melanoma received traditional treatment and then were divided into two groups. One group met weekly for only six weeks; the other did not. Facilitators taught the first group of recovering patients specific communication skills. (When it's your life that's at stake, could anything be more crucial?) After meeting only six times and then dispersing for five years, the subjects who learned how to express themselves effectively had a higher survival rate-only 9 percent succumbed as opposed to almost 30 percent in the untrained groUp.5 Think about the implications of this study. Just a modest improvement in ability to talk and connect with others corresponded to a two-thirds decrease in the death rate. We could go on for pages about how the ability to hold cru cial conversations has an impact on your personal health. The evidence is mounting every day. Nevertheless, most people find 1 6 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS this claim a bit over the top. "Come on," they chide. "You're say ing that the way you talk or don't talk affects your body? It could kill you?" The short answer is yes. The longer answer suggests that the negative feelings we hold in, the emotional pain we suffer, and the constant battering we endure as we stumble our way through unhealthy conversations slowly eat away at our health. In some cases the impact of failed conversations leads to minor problems. In others it results in disaster. In all cases, failed conversations never make us happier, healthier, or better off. So how about you? What are the specific conversations that gnaw at you the most? Which conversations (if you held them or improved them) would strengthen your immune system, help ward off disease, and increase your quality of life and well-being? SUMMARY When stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions start to run strong, casual conversations become crucial. Ironically, the more crucial the conversation, the less likely we are to handle it well. The consequences of either avoiding or fouling up crucial con versations can be severe. When we fail a crucial conversation, every aspect of our lives can be affected-from our careers, to our communities, to our relationships, to our personal health. As we learn how to step up to crucial conversations-and handle them well-with one set of skills we can influence virtu ally every domain of our lives. What is this all-important skill-set? What do people who sail through crucial conversations actually do? More importantly, can we do it too? 2 Give me a lever long enough and I shall move the world. -ARCHIMEDES Mastering Crucial Conversations The Power of Dialogue We (the authors) didn't always spend our time noodling over crucial conversations. In fact, we started our research into orga nizational and personal excellence by studying a slightly different topic. We figured that if we could learn why certain people were more effective than others, then we could learn exactly what they did, clone it, and pass it on to others. To find the source of success, we started at work. We asked people to identify who they thought were their most effective 1 8 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS colleagues. In fact, over the past twenty-five years, we've asked over twenty thousand people to identify the individuals in their organizations who could really get things done. We wanted to find those who were not just influential, but who were far more influential than the rest. Each time, as we compiled the names into a list, a pattern emerged. Some people were named by one or two colleagues. Some found their way onto the lists of five or six people. These were the good at influence, but not good enough to be widely identified as top performers. And then there were the handful who were named thirty or more times. These were the best-the clear opinion leaders in their areas. Some were managers and supervisors. Many were not. One of the opinion leaders we became particularly interested in meeting was named Kevin. He was the only one of eight vice presidents in his company to be identified as exceedingly influ ential. We wanted to know why. So we watched him at work. At first, Kevin didn't do anything remarkable. In truth, he looked like every other VP. He answered his phone, talked to his direct reports, and continued about his pleasant, but routine, routine. The Startling Discovery After trailing Kevin for almost a week, we began to wonder if he really did act in ways that set him apart from others or if his influence was simply a matter of popularity. And then we fol lowed Kevin into a meeting. Kevin, his peers, and their boss were deciding on a new loca tion for their offices-would they move across town, across the state, or across the country? The first two execs presented their arguments for their top choices, and as expected, their points were greeted by penetrating questions from the full team. No vague claim went unclarified, no unsupported reasoning unquestioned. MASTERING CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS 19 Then Chris, the CEO, pitched his preference-one that was both unpopular and potentially disastrous. However, when peo ple tried to disagree or push back on Chris, he responded poorly. Since he was the big boss, he didn't exactly have to browbeat people to get what he wanted. Instead, he became slightly defen sive. First he raised an eyebrow. Then he raised his finger. Finally he raised his voice-just a little. It wasn't long until people stopped questioning him, and Chris's inadequate proposal was quietly accepted. Well almost. That's when Kevin spoke up. His words were simple enough-something like, "Hey Chris, can I check some thing out with you?" The reaction was stunning-everyone in the room stopped breathing. But Kevin ignored the apparent terror of his col leagues and plunged on ahead. In the next few minutes he in essence told the CEO that he appeared to be violating his own decision-making guidelines. He was subtly using his power to move the new offices to his hometown. Kevin continued to explain what he saw happening, and when he finished the first crucial minutes of this delicate exchange, Chris was quiet for a moment. Then he nodded his head. "You're absolutely right," he finally concluded. "I have been trying to force my opinion on you. Let's back up and try again." This was a crucial conversation, and Kevin played no games whatsoever. He didn't resort to silence like his colleagues, nor did he try to force his arguments on others. As a result, the team chose a far more reasonable location and Kevin's boss appreci ated his candor. When Kevin was done, one of his peers turned to us and said, "Did you see how he did that? If you want to know how he gets things done, figure out what he just did." So we did. In fact, we spent the next twenty-five years discov ering what Kevin and people like him do. What typically set 20 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS them apart from the rest of the pack was their ability to deal with crucial conversations. When talking turned tough and stakes were high, they excelled. But how? Kevin wasn't that different. He did step up to a tough issue and help the team make a better choice, but what exactly did he do? Did he possess learnable skills, or was what he did more magical than manageable? To answer these questions, first, let's explore what Kevin was able to achieve. This will help us see where we're trying to go. Then we'll examine the dialogue tools effective communicators routinely use and learn to apply them to our own crucial conversations. THE "ONE THING" If you've seen the movie City Slickers, you may remember a scene where the crusty character Curly explains that if you want to suc ceed in life you have to do one thing. Then, in typical Hollywood fashion, he explains that he's not about to tell you what that one thing is. You have to figure it out yourself. We won't pull a Curly. We'll reveal the one thing. When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open. That's it. At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular. It's the one thing, and it's precisely what Kevin and the other extremely effective com municators we studied were routinely able to achieve. Now, to put a label on this spectacular talent-it's called dia logue. di·a·logue or di·a·log (di' a-lOg", -log) n The free flow of meaning between two or more people. MASTERING CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS 2 1 H ERE'S HOW DIALOGUE WORKS Despite the fact that we've shared the one thing, we're still left with two questions. First, how does this free flow of meaning lead to success? Second, what can you do to encourage meaning to flow freely? We'll explain the relationship between the free flow of mean ing and success right here and now. The second question-what you must do to stay in dialogue, no matter the circumstances takes the rest of the book. Filling the Pool of Shared Meaning Each of us enters conversations with our own opinions, feelings, theories, and experiences about the topic at hand. This unique combination of thoughts and feelings makes up our personal pool of meaning. This pool not only informs us but also propels our every action. When two or more of us enter crucial conversations, by defi nition we don't share the same pool. Our opinions differ. I believe one thing, you another. I have one history, you another. People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool-even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. Now, obviously they don't agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open. As the Pool of Shared Meaning grows, it helps people in two ways. First, as individuals are exposed to more accurate and relevant information, they make better choices. In a very real sense, the Pool of Shared Meaning is a measure of a group's IQ. The larger the shared pool, the smarter the deci sions. And even though many people may be involved in a choice. when people openly and freely share ideas, the 22 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS increased time investment is more than offset by the quality of the decision. On the other hand, we've all seen what happens when the shared pool is dangerously shallow. When people purposefully withhold meaning from one another, individually smart people can do collectively stupid things. For example, a client of ours shared the following story. A woman checked into the hospital to have a tonsillectomy, and the surgical team erroneously removed a portion of her foot. How could this tragedy happen? In fact, why is it that ninety eight thousand hospital deaths each year stem from human error?! In part because many health-care professionals are afraid to speak their minds. In this case, no less than seven people won dered why the surgeon was working on the foot, but said noth ing. Meaning didn't freely flow because people were afraid to speak up. Of course, hospitals don't have a monopoly on fear. In every instance where bosses are smart, highly paid, confident, and out spoken (i.e., most of the world), people tend to hold back their opinions rather than risk angering someone in a position of power. On the other hand, when people feel comfortable speaking up and meaning does flow freely, the shared pool can dramatically increase a group's ability to make better decisions. Consider what happened to Kevin's group. As everyone on the team began to explain his or her opinion, people formed a more clear and com plete picture of the circumstances. As they began to understand the whys and wherefores of dif ferent proposals, they built off one another. Eventually, as one idea led to the next, and then to the next, they came up with an alternative that no one had originally thought of and that all wholeheartedly supported. As a result of the free flow of mean ing, the whole (final choice) was truly greater than the sum of the original parts. In short: MASTERING CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS 2 3 The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy. Not only does a shared pool help individuals make better choices, but since the meaning is shared, people willingly act on whatever decisions they make. As people sit through an open discussion where ideas are shared, they take part in the free flow of meaning. Eventually they understand why the shared solution is the best solution, and they're committed to act. For example, Kevin and the other VPs didn't buy into their final choice simply because they were involved; they bought in because they under stood. Conversely, when people aren't involved, when they sit back quietly during touchy conversations, they're rarely committed to the final decision. Since their ideas remain in their heads and their opinions never make it into the pool, they end up quietly criticizing and passively resisting. Worse still, when others force their ideas into the pool, people have a harder time accepting the information. They may say they're on board, but then walk away and follow through halfheartedly. To quote Samuel Butler, "He that complies against his will is of his own opinion still." The time you spend up front establishing a shared pool of meaning is more than paid for by faster, more committed action later on. For example, if Kevin and the other leaders had not been committed to their relocation decision, terrible consequences would have followed. Some people would have agreed to move; others would have dragged their feet. Some would have held heated discussions in the hallways. Others would have said noth ing and then quietly fought the plan. More likely than not, the team would have been forced to meet again, discuss again, and decide again-since only one person favored the decision and the decision affected everyone. 24 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS Now, don't get us wrong. We're not suggesting that every decision be made by consensus or that the boss shouldn't take part in or even make the final choice. We're simply suggesting that whatever the decision-making method, the greater the shared meaning in the pool, the better the choice-whoever makes it. Every time we find ourselves arguing, debating, running away, or otherwise acting in an ineffective way, it's because we don't know how to share meaning. Instead of engaging in healthy dia logue, we play silly and costly games. For instance, sometimes we move to silence. We play Salute and Stay Mute. That is, we don't confront people in positions of authority. Or at home we may play Freeze Your Lover. With this tortured technique we give loved ones the cold shoulder in order to get them to treat us better (what's the logic in that?). Sometimes we rely on hints, sarcasm, innuendo, and looks of disgust to make our points. We play the martyr and then pretend we're actually trying to help. Afraid to confront an individual, we blame an entire team for a problem-hoping the message will hit the right target. Whatever the technique, the overall method is the same. We withhold meaning from the pool. We go to silence. On other occasions, not knowing how to stay in dialogue, we rely on violence-anything from subtle manipulation to verbal attacks. We act like we know everything, hoping people will believe our arguments. We discredit others, hoping people won't believe their arguments. And then we use every manner of force to get our way. We borrow power from the boss; we hit people with biased monologues. The goal, of course, is always the same-to compel others to our point of view. Now, here's how the various elements fit together. When stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong, we're often at our worst. In order to move to our best, we have to find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pools of meaning- MASTERING CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS 2 5 especially our high-stakes, sensitive, and controversial opinions, feelings, and ideas-and to get others to share their pools. We have to develop the tools that make it safe for us to discuss these issues and to come to a shared pool of meaning. And when we do, our lives change. DIALOGUE SKILLS ARE LEARNABLE And now for the really good news. The skills required to master high-stakes interactions are quite easy to spot and moderately easy to learn. First consider the fact that a well-handled crucial conversation all but leaps out at you. In fact, when you see some one enter the dangerous waters of a high-stakes, high-emotion, controversial discussion-and the person does a particularly good job-your natural reaction is to step back in awe. "Wow! " is generally the first word out of your mouth. What starts as a doomed discussion ends up with a healthy resolution. It can take your breath away. More importantly, not only are dialogue skills easy to spot, but they're also fairly easy to learn. That's where we're going next. We've isolated and captured the skills of the dialogue-gifted through twenty-five years of nonstop "Wow! " research. First we followed around Kevin and dozens like him. Then, when conver sations turned crucial, we took detailed notes. Afterward we compared our observations, tested our hypotheses, and honed our models until we found the skills that consistently explain the success of brilliant communicators. Finally, we combined our philosophies, theories, models, and skills into a package of learn able tools-tools for talking when stakes are high. Now we're ready to share what we've learned. Stay with us as we explore how to transform crucial conversations from fright ening events i nto i nteractions that yield success and results. It's t he mosl important set of skills you'll ever master. 26 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS HERE'S WHERE WE'RE GOING Here's what we'll focus on in the remainder of the book. First, we'll explore the tools people use to help create the con ditions of dialogue. The focus is on how we think about problem situations and what we do to prepare for them. As we work on ourselves, watch for problems, examine our own thought processes, discover our own styles, and then catch problems before they get out of hand, everyone benefits. As you read on, you will learn how to create conditions in yourself and others that make dialogue the path of least resistance. Next, we'll examine the tools for talking, listening, and acting together. This is what most people have in mind when they think of crucial conversations. How do I express delicate feedback? How do I speak persuasively, not abrasively? And how about lis tening? Or better still, what can we do to get people to talk when they seem nervous? And how do we move from thought to action? As you read on, you will learn the key skills of talking, listening, and acting together. Finally, we'll tie all of the theories and skills together by pro viding both a model and an extended example. Then, to see if you can really do what it takes, we provide seventeen situations that would give most of us fits-even people who are gifted at dialogue. As you read on, you will master the tools for talking when stakes are high. 3 More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. -WOODY ALLEN Start with H eart How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want It's time to tum to the how of dialogue. How do you encourage the flow of meaning in the face of differing opinions and strong emotions? Given the average person's track record, it can't be all that easy. In fact, given most people's long-standing habit of cost ly behaviors, it'll probably require a lot of effort. The truth is, people can change. In fact, thousands of people we (the authors) have worked with over the past decades have made lasting i mprovements. But it requires work. You can't simply drink a magic potion and walk away renewed. Instead, you'll need to take a long hard look at yourself. I n fact, this is the first principle of dialogue-Start with l leart. That is, yourown heart. If you can't get yourself right, 28 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS you'll have a hard time getting dialogue right. When conversa tions become crucial you'll resort to the forms of communication that you've grown up with-debate, silent treatment, manipula tion, and so on. WHEN WE DON'T WOR K ON ME FIRST Let's start with a true story. Two young sisters and their father scur ry into their hotel room after spending a hot afternoon at Disney land. Given the repressive heat, the girls have consumed enough soda pop to fill a small barrel. As the two bursting kids enter their room, they have but one thought-to head for the head. Since the bathroom is a one-holer, it isn't long until a fight breaks out. Both of the desperate children start arguing, pushing, and name-calling as they dance around the tiny bathroom. Event ually one calls out to her father for help. "Dad, 1 got here first! " " I know, but 1 need to go worse! " "How do you know? You're not in my body. 1 didn't even go before we left this morning! " "You're so selfish." Dad proposes a plan. "Girls, I'm not going to solve this for you. You can stay in the bathroom and figure out who goes first and who goes second. There's only one rule. No hitting." As the two antsy kids begin their crucial conversation, Dad checks his watch. He wonders how long it'll take. As the minutes slowly tick away, he hears nothing more than an occasional out burst of sarcasm. Finally after twenty-five long minutes, the toi let flushes. One girl comes out. A minute later, another flush and out walks her sister. With both girls in the room, Dad asks, "Do you know how many times both of you could have gone to the bathroom in the time it took you to work that out?" The idea had not occurred to the little scamps, but the instant it does, it's obvious what both immediately conclude. START WITH HEART 29 "Lots of times, if she hadn't been such a jerk." "Listen to her. She's calling me names when she could have just waited. She always has to have her way ! " DON'T LOOK AT M E ! Laugh as we may at this story, these two kids behave no differ ently from the rest of us. When faced with a failed conversation, most of us are quick to blame others. If others would only change, then we'd all live happily ever after. If others weren't so screwed up, we wouldn't have to resort to silly games in the first place. They started it. It's their fault, not ours. And so on. Although it's true that there are times when we are merely bystanders in life's never-ending stream of head-on collisions, rarely are we completely innocent. More often than not, we do something to contribute to the problems we're experiencing. People who are best at dialogue understand this simple fact and tum it into the principle "Work on me first." They realize that not only are they likely to benefit by improving their own approach, but also that they're the only person they can work on anyway. As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape-with any degree of success-is the person in the mirror. There's a certain irony embedded in this fact. People who believe they need to start with themselves do just that. As they work on themselves, they also become the most skilled at dia logue. So here's the irony. It's the most talented, not the least tal ented, who are continually trying to improve their dialogue skills. As is often the case, the rich get richer. START WITH HEART Okay, let's assume we need to work on our own personal dia lugue skil ls. Instead of buying this book and then handing it to a 30 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS loved one or coworker and saying: "You'll love this, especially the parts that I've underlined for you," we'll try to figure out how we ourselves can benefit. But how? Where do we start? How can we stay clear of unhealthy games? Although it's difficult to describe the specific order of events in an interaction as fluid as a crucial conversation, we do know one thing for certain: Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens. They maintain this focus in two ways. First, they're steely-eyed smart when it comes to knowing what they want. Despite con stant invitations to slip away from their goals, they stick with them. Second, skilled people don't make Sucker's Choices (either/or choices). Unlike others who justify their unhealthy behavior by explaining that they had no choice but to fight or take flight, the dialogue-smart believe that dialogue, no matter the circumstances, is always an option. Let's look at each of these important heart-based assumptions in turn. A MOMENT OF TRUTH To see how the desires of our hearts can affect our ability to stay in dialogue, let's take a look at a real-life example. Greta, the CEO of a mid-sized corporation, is two hours into a rather tense meeting with her top leaders. For the past six months she has been on a personal campaign to reduce costs. Little has been accomplished to date, so Greta calls the meeting. Surely people will tell her why they haven't started cutting costs. After all, she has taken great pains to foster candor. Greta has just opened the meeting to questions when a man ager haltingly rises to his feet, fidgets, stares at the floor, and then nervously asks if he can ask a very tough question. The way START WITH HEART 3 1 the fellow emphasizes the word very makes it sound as if he's about to accuse Greta of kidnapping the Lindbergh baby. The frightened manager continues. "Greta, you've been at us for six months to find ways to cut costs. I'd be lying if I said that we've given you much more than a lukewarm response. If you don't mind, I'd like to tell you about one thing that's making it tough for us to push for cost cuts." "Great. Fire away," Greta says as she smiles in response. "Well, while you've been asking us to use both sides of our paper and forego improvements, you're having a second office built." Greta freezes and turns bright red. Everyone looks to see what will happen next. The manager plunges on ahead. "The rumor is that the furniture alone will cost $ 1 50,000. Is that right?" So there we have it. The conversation has just turned crucial. Someone has just poured a rather ugly tidbit into the pool of meaning. Will Greta continue to encourage honest feedback, or will she shut the fellow down? We call this a crucial conversation because how Greta acts during the next few moments will not only set people's attitudes toward the proposed cost cutting, but will also have a huge impact on what the other leaders think about her. Does she walk the talk of openness and honesty? Or is she a raging hypocrite like so many of the senior executives who came before her? Will We Get Hooked ? How Greta behaves during this crucial conversation depends a great deal on how she handles her emotions while under attack. Sure, when she's giving a speech or writing a memo, she's all for candor. She's a veritable cheerleader for candor. But what about now? Will Greta thank the fellow for taking a huge risk and being honest? 32 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS If she's like most of us, Greta will defend herself. When we're in the throes of high-stakes conversations, new (and less healthy) motives often supplant our original, more noble ones. If you are standing in front of a potentially hostile crowd, it's a good bet you will change your original goal to the new goal of protecting your public image. "Excuse me," you might respond. "I don't think that my new office is an appropriate topic for this forum." Bang. You're dead. In one fell swoop you've lost buy-in, destroyed any hope for candor in this particular conversation, and confirmed everyone's suspicion that you want honesty-but only as long as it makes you look good. FIRST, FOCUS ON WHAT YOU REAllY WANT In reality, Greta didn't give in to her raging desire to defend her self. After being accused of not following her own advice, at first she looked surprised, embarrassed, and maybe even a little upset. Then she took a deep breath and said: "You know what? We need to talk about this. I'm glad you asked the question. It'll give us a chance to discuss what's really going on." And then Greta talked turkey. She explained that she felt the office was necessary but admitted that she had no idea what it would cost. So she sent someone to check the numbers. Meanwhile, she explained that building the office was a response to marketing's advice to boost the company's image and improve client confidence. And while Greta would use the office, it would be primarily a hosting location for marketing. When she saw the figures for the office, Greta was stunned and admitted that she should have checked the costs before signing a work order. So then and there she committed to drawing up a new plan that would cut costs by half or canceling the project entirely. START WITH HEART 3 3 Later that day we asked Greta how she had been able to keep her composure under fire. We wanted to know exactly what had been going on in her head. What had helped her move from embarrassment and anger to gratitude? "It was easy," Greta explained. "At first I did feel attacked, and I wanted to strike back. To be honest, I wanted to put that guy in his place. He was accusing me in public and he was wrong." "And then it struck me," she continued. "Despite the fact that I had four hundred eyeballs pinned to me, a rather important ques tion hit me like a ton of bricks: 'What do I really want here?'" Asking this question had a powerful effect on Greta's think ing. As she focused on this far more important question, she quickly realized that her goal was to encourage these two hun dred managers to embrace the cost-reduction efforts-and to thereby influence thousands of others to do the same. As Greta contemplated this goal, she realized that the biggest barrier she faced was the widespread belief that she was a hyp ocrite. On the one hand, she was calling for others to sacrifice. On the other, she appeared to be spending discretionary funds for her own comfort. It was at that moment that she was no longer ashamed or angry, but grateful. She couldn't have asked for a bet ter opportunity to influence these leaders than the one offered up by this penetrating question. And so she moved to dialogue. Refocus your brain. Now, let's move to a situation you might face. You're speaking with someone who completely disagrees with you on a hot issue. How does all of this goal stuff apply? As you begin the discussion, start by examining your motives. Going in, ask yourself what you really want. Also, as the conversation unfolds and you find yourself start i ng to, say, defer to the boss or give your spouse the cold shoul der, pay attention to what's happening to your objectives. Are 34 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS you starting to change your goal to save face, avoid embarrass ment, win, be right, or punish others? Here's the tricky part. Our motives usually change without any conscious thought on our part. When adrenaline does our thinking for us, our motives flow with the chemical tide. In order to move back to motives that allow for dialogue, you must step away from the interaction and look at yourself much like an outsider. Ask yourself: "What am I doing, and if I had to guess, what does it tell me about my underlying motive?" As you make an honest effort to discover your motive, you might conclude: "Let's see. I'm pushing hard, making the argu ment stronger than I actually believe, and doing anything to win. I've shifted from trying to select a vacation location to try ing to win an argument." Once you call into question the shifting desires of your heart, you can make conscious choices to change them. "What I really want is to genuinely try to select a vacation spot we can all enjoy-rather than try to win people over to my ideas." Put suc cinctly, when you name the game, you can stop playing it. But how? How do you recognize what has happened to you, stop playing games, and then influence your own motives? Do what Greta did. Stop and ask yourself some questions that return you to dialogue. You can ask these questions either when you find yourself slipping out of dialogue or as reminders when you prepare to step up to a crucial conversation. Here are some great ones: What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? Once you've asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: START WITH HEART 3 5 How would I behave if I really wanted these results? Find your bearings. There are two good reasons for asking these questions. First, the answer to what we really want helps us to locate our own North Star. Despite the fact that we're being tempt ed to take the wrong path by ( 1 ) people who are trying to pick a fight, (2) thousands of years of genetic hardwiring that brings our emotions to a quick boil, and (3) our deeply ingrained habit of try ing to win, our North Star returns us to our original purpose. "What do I really want? Oh yeah, I guess it's not to make the other person squirm or to preen in front of a crowd. I want people to freely and openly talk about what it'll take to cut costs." Take charge of your body. The second reason for asking what we really want is no less important. When we ask ourselves what we really want, we affect our entire physiology. As we introduce complex and abstract questions to our mind, the problem-solv ing part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats. When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious blood to the parts of our brain that help us think, and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight. Asking questions about what we really want serves two important purposes. First, it reminds us of our goal. Second, it juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused. Com mon Deviations As we step up to a crucial conversation, fully intending to stim u late t he flow of meaning, many of us quickly change our origi Ilal objectives to much less healthy goals. For instance, when G reta fel l under public attack, her immediate reaction was to do 36 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS whatever it took to save face. Other common, but not·all-that healthy, objectives include wanting to win, seeking revenge, and hoping to remain safe. Wanting to win. This particular dialogue killer sits at the top of many of our lists. Heaven only knows that we come by this deadly passion naturally enough. Half of the lV programs we watch make heroes out of people who win at sports or game shows. Ten minutes into kindergarten we learn that if we want to get the teacher's attention, we have to spout the right answer. That means we have to beat our fellow students at the same game. This desire to win is built into our very fiber before we're old enough to know what's going on. Unfortunately, as we grow older, most of us don't realize that this desire to win is continually driving us away from healthy dia logue. We start out with the goal of resolving a problem, but as soon as someone raises the red flag of inaccuracy or challenges our correctness, we switch purposes in a heartbeat. First we correct the facts. We quibble over details and point out flaws in the other person's arguments. "You're wrong! We're not spending anywhere near a hun dred and fifty thousand dollars on the furniture. It's the redesign of the office that's costing so much, not the fur niture." Of course, as others push back, trying to prove their points, it's not long until we change our goal from correcting mistakes to winning. If you doubt this simple allegation, think of the two antsy young girls as they stared each other down in the cramped bath room. Their original goal was simple enough-relief. But soon, caught up in their own painful game, the two set their jaws and committed to doing whatever it took to win-even if it brought them a fair amount of personal discomfort. START WITH HEART 3 7 Seeking revenge. Sometimes, as our anger increases, we move from wanting to win the point to wanting to harm the other per son. Just ask Greta. "To heck with honest communication! " she thinks to herself. "I'll teach the moron not to attack me in pub lic." Eventually, as emotions reach their peak, our goal becomes completely perverted. We move so far away from adding mean ing to the pool that now all we want is to see others suffer. "I can't believe that you're accusing me of squandering good money on a perfectly fine office. Now, if nobody else has any intelligent questions, let's move on! " Everyone immediately clams up and looks a t the floor. The silence is deafening. Hoping to remain safe. Of course, we don't always fix mis takes, aggressively discredit others, or heartlessly try to make them suffer. Sometimes we choose personal safety over dialogue. Rather than add to the pool of meaning, and possibly make waves along the way, we go to silence. We're so uncomfortable with the immediate conflict that we accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation. We choose (at least in our minds) peace over conflict. Had this happened in Greta's case, nobody would have raised concerns over the new office, Greta never would have learned the real issue, and people would have continued to drag their feet. SECOND, REFUSE THE SUCKER'S CHOICE Now, let's add one more tool that helps us focus on what we real ly want. We'll start with a story. The faculty of Beaumont High School is hashing out possible curriculum changes in an after-school meeting that's been going on for hours. It's finally the science department's turn to present. Roycc, a chemistry tcacher who's been at Beaumont for 38 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS thirty-three years, considers himself the elder statesman of the school. He's much more fond of war stories than he is of neutrons and electrons, but the administration kind of turns a blind eye, because the guy's a fixture. At the principal's cue, Royce clears his throat and begins to yammer on incoherently about the similarities between curricu lum development and battle preparations. His antics are so embarrassing that the audience quietly heaves their shoulders as they futilely try to stifle their laughter. Next, it's Brent's, the new guy's, turn. A couple of weeks ago, the principal asked him to outline the science department's pro posed curriculum changes. Brent met with his colleagues (even Royce), gathered suggestions, and came ready to present. As Brent begins, Royce starts demonstrating bayonet offen sives with a yardstick, and Brent snaps. Slamming his fist on the table, he shouts, "Am I the only one who wonders why we even allow this fosil to talk? Did he miss a pill or something?" A room full of stunned faces turns toward Brent. Realizing that his colleagues must think he's possessed, Brent utters those words we've all come to hate, "Hey, don't look at me like that! I'm the only one around who has the guts to speak the truth." What a tactic. Brent slams Royce in public, and then instead of apologizing or maybe simply fading into the shadows, he argues that what he just did was somehow noble. Two ugly options. This pernicious strategy is particularly well suited for keeping us off track. It's known as a Sucker's Choice. In order to justify an especially sordid behavior, we suggest that we're caught between two distasteful options. Either we can be honest and attack our spouse, or we can be kind and withhold the truth. Either we can disagree with the boss to help make a better choice-and get shot for it-or we can remain quiet, starve the pool, and keep our job. Pick your poison. START WITH HEART 3 9 What makes these Sucker's Choices is that they're always set up as the only two options available. It's the worst of either/or thinking. The person making the choice never sug gests there's a third option that doesn't call for unhealthy behavior. For example, maybe there's a way to be honest and respectful. Perhaps we can express our candid opinion to our boss and be safe. Those offering up a Sucker's Choice either don't think of a third (and healthy) option-in which case it's an honest but tragic mistake-or set up the false dichotomy as a way of jus tifying their unattractive actions. "I'm sorry, but I just had to destroy the guy's self-image if I was going to keep my integrity. It wasn't pretty, but it was the right thing to do." Open You rself to Change Not only do Sucker's Choices set us up to take ineffective actions, but they close us down to change. They present our brain with problems easily solved with restricted blood flow. After all, if we are simply choosing between fight and flight, who needs much creative thought? They also keep us stuck in ineffective strategies by justifying our attacking or retreating behaviors. Why alter our behavior when we're the only one savvy enough to keep quiet? "Stand up to my boss? What turnip wagon did you just fall off?" "Tell my spouse that her parental style is too controlling? No way. I'll pay for years." In a similar vein, why would you ever change when you think you're the only one around with an ounce of integrity? "Somebody has to state the ugly truth. It's the only way I can look myself in the mirror." I n summary, Sucker's Choices are simplistic tradeoffs that keep us rrom thinking creatively of ways to get to dialogue, and t hat justify our silly games. 40 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS So how do we break away from perverted logic that keeps us trapped in hurtful behavior? Search for the Elusive And The best at dialogue refuse Sucker's Choices by setting up new choices. They present themselves with tougher questions questions that turn the either/or choice into a search for the all important and ever-elusive and. (It is an endangered species, you know.) Here's how this works. First, clarify what you really want. You've got a head start if you've already Started with Heart. If you know what you want for yourself, for others, and for the relationship, then you're in position to break out of the Sucker's Choice. "What I want is for my husband to be more reliable. I'm tired of being let down by him when he makes commit ments that I depend on." Second, clarify what you really don't want. This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe. What bad thing will happen if you stop pushing so hard? Or if you don't try to escape? What hor rible outcome makes game-playing an attractive and sensible option? "What I don't want is to have a useless and heated conver sation that creates bad feelings and doesn't lead to change." Third, present your brain with a more complex problem. Finally, combine the two into an and question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence and violence. START WITH HEART 41 "How can I have a candid conversation with my husband about being more dependable and avoid creating bad feel ings or wasting our time?" It's interesting to watch what happens when people are pre sented with and questions after being stuck with Sucker's Choices. Their faces become reflective, their eyes open wider, and they begin to think. With surprising regularity, when people are asked: "Is it possible that there's a way to accomplish both?" they acknowledge that there very well may be. Is there a way to tell your peer your real concerns and not insult or offend him? Is there a way to talk to your neighbors about their annoying behavior and not come across as self-righteous or demanding? Is there a way to talk with your loved one about how you're spending money and not get into an argument? IS THIS REAllY POSSIBLE? Some people find this whole line of thinking comically unrealis tic. From their point of view, Sucker's Choices aren't false dichotomies; they're merely a reflection of an unfortunate reality. "You can't say something to the boss about our upcoming move. It'll cost you your job." To these people we say: Remember Kevin? He, and almost every other opinion leader we've ever studied, has what it takes to speak up and maintain respect. Maybe you don't know what Kevin did or what you need to do-but don't deny the existence of Kevin or peo ple l ike him. There is a third set of options out there that allows you tu add meaning to the pool and build on the relationship. 42 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS When we (the authors) are in the middle of an on-site work shop and we suggest there are alternatives to Sucker's Choicesj someone invariably says: "Maybe you can speak honestly and still be heard in other organizations, but if you try it here, you'll be eaten alive! " Or the flip side: "You've got to know when to fold if you want to survive for another day." Then in a hail of "I'll say!" and "Here, here! " many nod in agreement. At first, we thought that maybe there were places where dia logue couldn't survive. But then we learned to ask: "Are you say ing there isn't anyone you know who is able to hold a high-risk conversation in a way that solves problems and builds relation ships?" There usually is. SUMMARY-START WITH H EART Here's how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals-particularly when the going gets tough. Work on Me First Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself. Focus on What You Really Want When you find yourself moving toward silence or violencej stop and pay attention to your motives. Ask yourself: "What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?" Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: "What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?" And finally, ask: "How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?" START WITH HEART 43 Refuse the Sucker's Choice As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Sucker's Choice. Watch to see if you're telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on. Break free of these Sucker's Choices by searching for the and. Clarify what you don't want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue. I have known a thousand scampsi but I never met one who considered himselfso. Self-knowledge isn't 50 common. -OUiDA learn to look How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk Let's start this chapter by visiting a crucial conversation. You've just ended a heated debate with a group of people you supervise. What started out as a harmless discussion about your new shift rotations ended up as a nasty argument. Mter an hour of carping and complaining, you finally went to your separate comers. You're now walking down the hall wondering what happened. I n a matter of minutes an innocent discussion had transformed into a crucial conversation, and then into a failed conversation and you can't recall why. You do remember a tense moment when you started pushing your point of view a bit too hard (okay, maybe way too hard) and eight people stared at you as if you had just bitten the head off a chicken. But then the meeting ended. 46 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS What you don't realize is that two of your friends are walking down the hallway in the opposite direction conducting a play-by play of the meeting. They do know what took place. "It happened again. The boss started pushing so hard for per sonal agenda items that we all began to act defensively. Did you notice how at one point all of our jaws dropped simultaneously? Of course, I was just as bad as the boss. I spoke in absolutes, only pointed out facts that supported my view, and then ended with a list of outlandish claims. I got hooked like a marlin." Later that day as you talk to your friends about the meeting, they let you in on what happened. You were there, but somehow you missed what actually happened. "That's because you were so caught up in the content of the conversation," your buddy explains. "You cared so deeply about the shift rotation that you were blind to the conditions. You know-how people were feeling and acting, what tone they were taking, stuff like that." "You saw all that while still carrying on a heated conversa tion?" you ask. "Yeah," your coworker explains, "I always dual-process. That is, when things start turning ugly, I watch the content of the con versation along with what people are doing. I look for and exam ine both what and why. If you can see why people are becoming upset or holding back their views or even going silent, you can do something to get back on track." "You look at the 'conditions,' and then you know what to do to get back on track?" "Sometimes," your friend answers. "But you've got to learn exactly what to look for." "It's a form of social first aid. By watching for the moment a con versation starts turning unhealthy, you can respond quickly. The sooner you catch a problem, the sooner you'll be able to work your way back to healthy dialogue, and the less severe the damage." LEARN TO LOOK 47 You can't believe how obvious this advice is-and yet you've never thought of such a thing. Weirder still, your friend has. In fact, he has a whole vocabulary for what's going on during a cru cial conversation. It's as if you've been speaking another language. WATCH FOR CON DITIONS In truth, most of us do have trouble dual-processing (watching for content and conditions)-especially when it comes to a cru cial conversation. When both stakes and emotions are high, we get so caught up in what we're saying that it can be nearly impos sible to pull ourselves out of the argument in order to see what's happening to ourselves and to others. Even when we are startled by what's going on, enough so that we think: "Yipes ! This has turned ugly. Now what?" we may not know what to look for in order to turn things around. We may not see enough of what's happening. How could that be? How could we be smack-dab in the mid dle of a heated debate and not really see what's going on? A metaphor might help. It's akin to going fly fishing for the first time with an experienced angler. Your buddy keeps telling you to cast your fly six feet upstream from that brown trout "just out there." Only you can't see a brown trout "just out there." He can. That's because he knows what to look for. You think you do. You think you need to look for a brown trout. In reality, you need to look for a brown trout that's under water while the sun is reflect ing in your eyes. You have to look for elements other than the t hing that your dad has stuffed and mounted over the fireplace. I t takes both knowledge and practice to know what to look for and then actually see it. So what do you look for when caught in the middle of a cru cia l conversation? What do you need to see in order to catch pro blem s before they become too severe? Actually, it helps to watch fot' three different co n d itions : the moment a conversation 48 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS turns crucial, signs that people don't feel safe (silence or vio lence), and your own Style Under Stress. Let's consider each of these conversation killers in turn. learn to Spot Crucial Conversations First, stay alert for the moment a conversation turns from a rou tine or harmless discussion into a crucial one. In a similar vein, as you anticipate entering a tough conversation, pay heed to the fact that you're about to enter the danger zone. Otherwise, yoti can easily get sucked into silly games before you realize what's happened. And as we suggested earlier, the further you stray off track, the harder it can be to return. To help catch problems early, reprogram your mind to pay attention to the signs that suggest you're in a crucial conversa tion. Some people first notice physical signals-their stomach gets tight or their eyes get dry. Think about what happens to your body when conversations get tough. Everyone is a little bit dif· ferent. What are your cues? Whatever they are, learn to look at them as signs to step back, slow down, and Start with Heart before things get out of hand. Others notice their emotions before they notice signs in theit body. They realize they are scared, hurt, or angry and are begin ning to react to or suppress these feelings. These emotions can also be great cues to tell you to step back, slow down, and take steps to turn your brain back on. Some people's first cue is not physical or emotional, but behavioral. It's like an out-of-body experience. They see them selves raising their voice, pointing their finger like a loaded weapon, or becoming very quiet. It's only then that they realize how they're feeling. So take a moment to think about some of your toughest con versations. What cues can you use to recognize that your brain LEARN TO LOOK 49 is beginning to disengage and you're at risk of moving away from healthy dialogue? learn to look for Safety Problems If you can catch signs that the conversation is starting to tum cru cial-before you get sucked so far into the actual argument that you can never withdraw from the content-then you can start dual-processing immediately. And what exactly should you watch for? People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on safety. They pay attention to the content-that's a given-and they watch for signs that people are afraid. When friends, loved ones, or colleagues move away from healthy dialogue (freely adding to the pool of meaning)-either forcing their opinions into the pool or purposefully keeping their ideas out of the pool they immediately tum their attention to whether or not others feel safe. When it's safe, you can say anything. Here's why gifted com municators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning-period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear that people aren't buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding. Both these reactions-to fight and to take flight-are motivated by the same emotion: fear. On the other hand, if you make it safe enough, you can talk about almost anything and people wi1l lis ten. If you don't fear that you're being attacked or humiliated, you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive. Think about your own experience. Can you remember receiv ing really blistering feedback from someone at some point in your l i fe, but in this instance you didn't become defensive? Instead, you absorbed the feedback. You reflected on it. You allowed it to influence you. If so, ask yourself why. Why in this instance were 50 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS you able to absorb potentially threatening feedback so well? If you're like the rest of us, it's because you believed that the other person had your best interest in mind. In addition, you respected the other person's opinion. You felt safe receiving the feedback because you trusted the motives and ability of the other person. You didn't need to defend yourself from what was being said. On the other hand, if you don't feel safe, you can't take any feedback. It's as if the pool of meaning has a lid on it. "What do you mean I look good? Is that some kind of joke? Are you rib bing me?" When you don't feel safe, even well-intended com ments are suspect. When it's unsafe, you start to go blind. By carefully watching for safety violations, not only can you see when dialogue is in danger, but you can also reengage your brain. As we've said before, when your emotions start cranking up, key brain func tions start shutting down. Not only do you prepare to take flight, but your peripheral vision actually narrows. In fact, when you feel genuinely threatened, you can scarcely see beyond what's right in front of you. Similarly, when you feel the outcome of a conversation is being threatened, you have a hard time seeing beyond the point you're trying to make. By pulling yourself out of the content of an argument and watching for fear, you reen gage your brain and your full vision returns. Don't let safety problems lead you astray. Let's add a note of caution. When others begin to feel unsafe, they start doing nasty things. Now, since they're feeling unsafe, you should be thinking to yourself: "Hey, they're feeling unsafe. I need to do some thing-maybe make i

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