Understanding Anger Management, PDF

expressed in words or actions. We feel something and it causes a reaction (How Can I Manage My Anger, 20W). Get to the Root of the Problem Anger is the fruit of rotten roots. One of the primary roots of anger stems from the family. Angry people come f...

expressed in words or actions. We feel something and it causes a reaction (How Can I Manage My Anger, 20W). Get to the Root of the Problem Anger is the fruit of rotten roots. One of the primary roots of anger stems from the family. Angry people come from angry families because they learn from their role models and carry on the same behavior in their own lives, eventually passing it on to their children. Other Roots of Anger Include... Injustice When people mistreat us but there's nothing we can do about it, we get angry because we feel it isn't fair. As much as we'd like to change the situation or the person who's treating us badly, we can't. People can't change people; only God can change people. So it's best to put our energy into praying for the offender. Strife Hidden, repressed anger, begins with judgment, gossip, backbiting and thinking too highly of yourself. Strife is often exhibited in arguing, bickering, heated disagreements and angry undercurrents. Impatience Often produces anger when we can't get what we want when we want it. When our 93  progress is hindered or slowed down because of others, it's easy to become impatient. Most ofus struggle with impatience on a daily basis simply because of today's fast- paced world. Abuse of any kind Sexual, physical, verbal, emotional or mental abuse almost always leads to anger. They're all injustices, which eventually leave the abused feeling helpless and angry. Abuse of any kind can't be ignored. We must deal with it and process it before we can get free of it. Unmet needs Can also produce anger. We all have needs that can and should be met by those closest to us; however, they don't know and understand our needs unless we communicate with them. But even then they may sometimes fail to meet our needs. Therefore, the answer is · to go to God with our needs and not to other people. Jealousy Anger caused by jealousy was one of the first negative emotions mentioned in the Bible. Genesis4 tells us that Cain killed his brother Abel because he was jealous to the point of being angry. Although this is one of the more extreme results of jealousy, it reminds us of how dangerous jealousy can be. In today's society many people feel their status is dependent on their job or position in the church. Because of this mindset, they're afraid someone else may get promoted ahead of them. Jealousy causes them to try to be important in the eyes of man. If you have this problem, 94 understand that God has you where you are for a reason. He knows what's in your future, and He may have you in training for it right now. There's a big difference between being able and being ready to do a specific thing. So don't despise the days of small beginnings. Remember, we must answer to God. Our rewards come from obeying the specific callings He's placed on our lives, not from the great things we accomplish as far as the world is concerned (How Can I Manage My Anger, 2010). Other roots that lead to anger include fear of confrontation, insecurity, and feeling controlled by a job or other people and their problems. I used to get mad at people who controlled me until God told me one day, "You're just as guilty as they are because you're letting them do it." We shouldn't put excessive pressure on ourselves by making too many commitments just because we don't want to say no to someone (How Can I Manage My Anger, 2010). Masks of Anger Sometimes we use masks to cover up the things we don't want anybody to see. If we're harboring anger, we think masking it keeps others from knowing the real us. So we hide behind a variety of masks in an attempt to trick people into thinking we're something or someone we're not. I've discovered that people respect you more if you share your real self with them rather · t h"d verything After all people can tell when something isn't right. You may than trymg o 1 e e , think you're hiding your anger, but it'll eventually find a way to come ou-t either in voice tone, h \d h \der mask When someone makes body language or attitudes. Some people uset e co -s ou. 95  them angry, they may say they've forgiven them, but they become cold, showing no warmth or em.otio.n m dea1m · g w1.th that individual These people live a lonely existence. Because they're so afraid of being hurt, they avoid close, meaningful relationships. This is a classic example of "choosing your pain." They'll choose the pain ofliving an isolated, lonely life instead of working through the p oblem, determined to develop good friendships. Other people like to use the silent-treatment mask. They say they're not angry with you, yet they refuse to talk to you, or they only communicate when it's absolutely necessary, usually with a grunt or nod. When people avoid being with, touching, or doing things for the person they're angry with, they're hiding behind a mask, which isn't the answer (Meyer). Face the Truth... And Choose Your Pain If you want the great and mighty things God has for you, you must get to the root of anger and deal with it. Get rid of the masks and face the things that happened in your life that made you the way you are today. Admit that you can't change by yourself. Until the root is removed, it'll continue to produce one bad fruit after another. Too often we spend our lives dealing with the bad fruit of our behavior, but we never dig deep enough to get to the root of the problem. ActuaIIy, when we're faced with anger, we must choose our pain. Digging deep to take care of the bad root is painful, but it's the only lasting way to take care of the problem. We can either suffer positively, doing what's right or we can go with the devil's plan. But remember, the same devil who tempts you to follow your human feelings will later condemn you for doing it. You must decide if you want the pain that will take you intoa new realm of 96 glory or to keep your same old pain and try to hide it while it's rotting inside you (Meyer). Peter tells us to be well-balanced and temperate, withstanding the devil at his onset ( 1 Peter 5:8-9). When you begin to feel anger, it's the perfect time to exercise the fruit of self- control. You may have a good reason to be angry, but don't use it as an excuse to stay that way. Instead of denying or justifying it, ask God to help you deal with it in a positive way. Romans 12:21 gives good advice: Do not let yourself be overcome by evil, but overcome (master) evil with good. When Satan attacks you, instead of getting mad, go bless someone. Responding in a positive way is the direct opposite of what the enemy wants you to do, defeating his plan to keep you upset. It doesn't come naturally, and it isn't always easy, but when we do what we can do, God will do what we can't do. Do not be quick in spirit to be angry or vexed, for anger and vexation lodge in the bosom of fools (Ecclesiastes 7:9). lfwe hang on to anger, we're just being foolish. We must turn the anger and the people who caused it over to God and let Him take care of it....Vengeance is Mine, I will repay (requite), says the Lord (Romans 12:19). Trust God and He will take care of you and protect you. You can't change your past, but when you give it to God, He'll use it to bring you a better future (Meyer). Is Anger Sin? ls all anger sin? No, but some of it is. Even God Himself has righteous anger against sin, injustice, rebellion and pettiness. Anger sometimes servesa useful purpose, so it isn't n· Obviously we're going to have adverse feelings, or God wouldn't necessarily a1ways a Sl. , have needed to provide the fruit of self-control. Just being tempted to do something is nost in. 97 It's when you don't resist the temptation, but do it anyway, that it becomes sin. God sometimes allows us to feel anger so we'll recognize when we're being mistreated. But even when we experience true injustices in our lives, we must not vent our anger in an improper way. We must guard against allowing anger to drag us into sin. Ephesians 4:26-27 tells us, When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down. Leave no [such] room or foothold for the devil [give no opportunity to him]. Refuse to give the devil any opportunity to get a foothold in your life through anger (Meyer). All anger, regardless of its cause, has the same effect on our lives. It upsets us, causing us to feel pr-essure. Keeping anger locked inside and pretending it doesn't exist can even be dangerous to our health. Most of the time we're only hurting ourselves, and the person who angered us isn't even aware ofit. Sowe must take responsibility for our anger and learn to deal with it. Process it and bring closure to it, and that will relieve the pressure. I have been through some rough times in my life, and for many years those experiences caused me to feel miserable. I was so mad about the abuse in my childhood that it was making me bitter and hateful. I was angry with everybody, but one day God confronted me and said, "Joyce, are you going to let that make you bitter or better?" That got my attention, and I eventually had to find who do injustices in our lives and to love the unlovely (Meyer). Take Steps Toward Freedom People are born to be free; it's a gift from God. We're not to be free from responsibility, 98 but free to be led by the Holy Spirit. Any time our freedom is taken away or given away, we experience anger. Are you willing to go through whatever it takes to be free, or do you want to stay in the mess you're in for the rest of your life? If you want to be free, just start doing what God wants you to do, one step at a time, and you'll eventually walk out of your messes. When we are battling anger, we must realize that...we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places (Ephesians 6:12). When Satan makes you angry, remember that he's trying to keep you from accomplishing the will of God in your life (Meyer). In 2 Timothy 4:5, Paul told Timothy to be calm, cool and collected and to keep performing the a positive way to process my anger. That was a place of new beginnings for me. When you face your anger and decide to deal with it God's way, you can overcome it. The Holy Spirit gives us the power to be stable and walk in the fruit of the Spirit. We have the power to forgive those duties of his ministry. That's good advice for all ofus. When we get angry, we should calm down and start doing what God has called us to do. You can be bitter or better- it's up to you! If you're mad about something, instead of letting it ruin your life, tum it into something good. Overcome evil and anger by praying for those who hurt and abuse you. Forgive them and be a blessing to them. It may not be easy at first, but when you make the decision and stick with it, God will take care of the rest (Meyer). Question: How can I manage my anger? What can I do to overcome a temper problem? Answer: First, realize that anger itself is not wrong and being angry is not always a sin. Galatians 5:20, which is part of the list of the "works of the flesh" we are to 99  overcome, mentions "outbursts of wrath." By contrast, verse 23 mentions the spiritual fruit of "self-control." Ephesians 4:26-27 adds a few more pieces to the puzzle, "Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil." Being angry to the point of sin comes naturally to us, bit God offers to help in our anger management struggle. These verses tell us that being angry to the point of sin comes naturally to us, that Satan encourages the wrong tendency even beyond our human nature and that we can control or manage anger with the help of the Holy Spirit. God does not say that we should try to squelch anger altogether; in fact, the Bible shows that this passionate emotion can motivate us to proper action. The challenge is in anger control. This is accomplished through the process of overcoming (How Can I Manage My Anger, 2010). The Process of Overcoming an Anger Problem God promises to forgive those who repent, confess their sins, tum from them and tum toward a life of obedience. Most people stop at just feeling sorry when they get caught, but that doesn't cut it. We also have to exercise the will to stop doing what's wrong and put forth effort again to do what is right. Living the Christian way oflife requires work. Sadly, many religious teachers convey that all that one needs to do is ask for forgiveness. We need to know what we've done wrong and what God calls right or righteous. While most assume they know these matters, the truth is, most do not! People who truly want God's help must become educated about His will (Why Do I struggle With Sins I've Repented Of). What happens after we repent of a sinful outburst of anger and ask for forgiveness? 100 Because we still live in this present evil world and still have human nature, we will sin again. The apostle Paul candidly spoke of his ongoing struggle against human nature in Romans 7:14- 25. The necessity to fight this battle should not discourage us, for, as Paul brings out, we can count on victory through Jesus Christ. Many people do not realize that God's forgiven ss does not remove our human nature, that negative tendency within all people to commit sins like losing our temper. Our human nature is a product of sins that we committed in the past, the effect on our lives of the sins committed by others and the general influence of Satan over the entire world (Why Do I struggle With Sins I've Repented Of). Using the strength of God's Spirit to struggle against negative pulls helps us to develop godly character. By way of analogy, pulling against resistance is the only way to strengthen muscle tissue. On the other hand, muscle tissues atrophy and weaken if they have no weight to pull against. The human spirit is similar, in that a struggle to do what is right strengthens one's character. But a person who never encounters struggles in life will be weak. Further, having to do spiritual battle to achieve anger management motivates us to continuously seek God and His help. That's healthy, lest we become proud and independent. When Christians sin, we need to repeat the initial repentance process: acknowledge the sin before God; ask for His forgiveness and help to change (1 John 1:8-10) (Why Do I struggle With Sins I've Repented Of). Christ inspired Paul to write: "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled" (2 Corinthians 10:4-6) (Why Do I struggle With Sins I've Repented Of). 101  Battling temper temptations Christ is telling us plainly that the battlefield on which we win or lose against temptations is the battlefield of thought. We have to learn to recognize wrong thought - temptations to react violently, to plot revenge, to seethe with rage - whether generated by our own natures or inserted into our minds through any one of numerous aspects of "this present evil age" (Galatians 1:4) (How Can I Manage My Anger, 2010). Frankly, because modem Christianity misinforms them, most people who think of themselves as Christians never received the benefit of forgiveness and spiritual help. They think they are converted when they aren't. They have been misled by false teachers into believing that all they need to do is pledge their lives to Christ, expecting Him to simply take over for them. This is far from what the Bible teaches about conversion, so these people never experience the spiritual help that God would like to give to them (How Can I Manage My Anger, 2010). You might consider whether you have God's Spirit in you in the way that He promises to give it to Christians. Review our booklet, Transforming Your Life: The Process of Conversion, for a study of the Scriptures that explain the process. It includes repentance, faith, baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Spirit through the laying on of hands and, finally, continuing in the Christian way oflife (How Can I Manage My Anger, 2010). In conclusion, here are four simple but effective things that all Christians need to do in order to be able to overcome. They apply to anger control too. They are: 1. pray to God instantly when you find yourself tempted-before you actually sin; 102  2. pray regularly and at length at least once every day, in order to maintain a relationship with your heavenly Father; 3. study the Bible every day to learn and be reminded of His will; and 4. meditate often, focusing your thoughts on this specific subject of anger for several minutes, thinking about when you have lost your temper and picturing yourself doing better at anger management. Chapter 8 Chapter Outline: This chapter tells the reader how forgiveness is a necessity to a healthy and devoted life to God. Anger and Forgiveness By Dr. Charles Stanley Letting Go of Anger "Memory Verse: Ephesians 4:30-32 Introduction: There is awesome power in forgiveness. It is God's solution for bitterness, resentment, and hostility. You and I need the freedom found only through sincerely and completely forgiving others. 103 Definitions a) Anger is a strong feeling of intense displeasure, hostility, or indignation as a result of a real or imagined threat, insult, frustration, or injustice toward yourself or others important to you. b) Forgiveness is giving up resentment against someone else, along with your right to get even, no matter what has been done to you. c) Unforgiveness is the deliberate, willful refusal to give up one's resentment and right to get even, based on the attitude that someone must pay for the wrong done. Obstacles to Forgiveness a) Lack of desire: You don't want to forgive. b) Rehearsing what happened: Some people continue to dwell on the hurtful experience. c) Pride: We may believe the other person should initiate reconciliation. d) Fear: Some resist forgiving to avoid looking weak, being misunderstood, or feeling rejected. e) Negative advice: Well-meaning friends don't always offer godly counsel. f) Partial forgiveness: People try to pick and choose which offenses can be pardoned. g) Relying on emotions: Don't make the mistake of waiting until you feel like forgiving. h) Expecting quick results: Forgiveness can take time. i) Justifying the other person's actions: Some people will rationalize what happened so that they don't have to forgive. Scriptural Teaching a) Our fellowship with God suffers when we refuse to release others from their sins against us (Matthew 6:14-15). 104  Bear with each other and forgive on another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 2. Be ready to forgive over and over again. Matthew 18: 21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? "Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." 3. To avoid making others be overwhelmed. 2 Corinthians 2:5-8 If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent-not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, 111  therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. 4. Love will lead to forgiving others. 1 Corinthians 13:4 - 6 Love is patient, love is kind It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 5. Priority when it comes to forgiving others. Matthew 5:23-24 "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." 6. Forgive others rather than judge others. Luke 6:37 Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. John 8:7 112 When they kept on questioning him, e straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." 7. A remarkable example of forgiveness. Acts 7:59-60 While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit." Then he fell on his knees and cried out, "Lord, do not hold this sin against them." When he had said this, he fell asleep. 8. Jesus is our Model. Luke 23:33-34 When they came to a place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals - one on his right, the other on his left, Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." 9. Jesus' command to us. Luke 17:3-4 So watch yourselves. "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and ifhe repents forgive him. lfhe sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him." 113  10. How to treat enemies. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Romans 12:20 I believe that your life will be blessed through forgiving others. Would you like to choose to forgive for the benefit of others? Maybe your decision can bring an opportunity of redemption for others." Question: What is forgiveness? Fr. Jonah: To forgive means to restore a bond of love and communion when there has been a rupture. Sin ruptures our relationship with God and others, as also do offenses taken and given among people. When the bond is broken with other people, we tend to objectify them and judge them, not seeing them as persons, but only as objects of our anger and hurt. This is our sinful reaction. We categorize people in terms of their transgression against us. The longer we nurture the anger and alienation, the more deeply the resentment takes hold in our heart, and the more it feeds on our soul. Resentment is a cancer that will destroy us if we don't forgive! It also leaks out and damages our relations with others when we slander and gossip about those who have offended us and try to draw others to our own side. Of course, no one should want to hear such things - but we do (Jonah). 114 :,es not mean justifying the offensive action or accepting it as right, nor does it mean Lstifying one's own anger or sinful reaction. Forgiveness means laying aside our judgments of te other person and our own sinful reactions, and accepting others for who they are (Jonah). God's forgiveness ofus and our sins against Him is unconditional and absolute. God :,es not reject us, objectify us, or bear anger or resentment against us. These are, I think, our ojections onto God of our own issues and judgments against ourselves when we sin. God )es not punish us. Rather, by alienating ourselves from God, we punish ourselves and ascribe liS punishment to Him. We tum in on ourselves in anger and self-hatred, and thus shatter our rsonhood, cutting ourselves off from His love. By asking God for forgiveness, we open ourselves to His love and acceptance, His grace 1d compassion. These were there already, but we neglected them. By confessing our sins, we Lrrender these areas of our lives where we have justified our self-alienation from God. pentance means not only turning away from sin, but also turning to God. Judas was morseful for his sin - but hanged himself. We need not only to be remorseful, but also to 1en ourselves to God (Jonah). 11estion: How are reconciliation and forgiveness related? Fr. Jonah: Reconciliation presupposes forgiveness. If we forgive someone, we need to be open to reconciliation, if possible. Reconciliation is forgiveness in action - the actual restoration of the interpersonal bond between two people, in mutual acceptance of each other for who each one is. Forgiveness and reconciliation can lead to a stronger bond than previously existed. Each 115 time an offense occurs, we can learn more about both the other and ourselves. This can lead to a deeper knowledge and understanding of each by the other, and thus can also lead to a more authentic bond of intimacy. Reconciliation should always be the goal. Sometimes we feel unable to reconcile - to put forgiveness into our actions and restore a relationship. If the person has severely abused us or our trust, it may not be wise to do so. Or perhaps the person is gone or dead. We can still forgive them, pray for them, and accept them - if only at a distance. We need to look at what is in ourselves that prevents us from reconciling - some fear or expectation of the other. But it is crucial to remember that forgiveness is only fulfilled in reconciliation (Jonah). An example of God's forgiveness - and a model for our own - is the parable of the Prodigal Son. Think of the hurt of the father as the young son withdrew into the most selfish kind of rejection and rebellion. The father never ceased to love the son, and was watching and waiting for his return. When the son came to himself, and became aware of his own sin- but not of how much he had hurt his father- he returned. Still thinking only of himself and his own needs, he rehearses how he will ask his father to receive him and make him an employee. But his father doesn't even let him finish his little rehearsed speech. He embraces the son and holds him to himself. He has a robe and ring brought, restoring him as son and heir. He kills the fatted calf as a sacrifice of thanksgiving to God. He neither demands nor wants an apology, nor does he permit any justification or even self-denigration on the part of his son. Rather, he forgives his son from the abundance of his love, casting away any resentment or bitterness, and accepts him for who he is -his beloved son. This is how God forgives us! So we must forgive each other and be reconciled (Jonah). 116  Fr. Jonah: The deeper the bonds of love and intimacy, the sharper the pain of alienation through offenses. The more we truly know someone, the more cutting off the bond oflove cuts to the core of who we are. We cannot define ourselves solely in an individualistic, autonomous manner. This is a falsehood, our own egocentrism. Who we are, as Christians, as persons, is a mystery hidden in Christ of our union with one another. A husband and wife are one flesh in Christ. "My brother is my life," said St. Silouan. There is a sacred bond of love in friendship, whether in the world or in a monastery. We must be very watchful so as to preserve that bond. But the greater the intimacy is, the greater is the likelihood of deep offenses occurring-because intimacy presupposes vulnerability. This, however, is an aspect of how we grow in knowledge of one another---constant forgiveness and reconciliation. We come to know and accept the other person for who they are. We hopefully begin to recognize our projections and expectations and drop them. Then, we come to know ourselves better through others. Forgiveness is hard-but it is infinitely sweeter when we reconcile with someone we deeply love. It is hard because it makes us look at our selfishness, our judgment, our expectations, and ourselves. It also shatters the illusions and false objectifications that we have had of the other person, not to mention of the offense itself. When we have old wounds, even from childhood, we are all the more likely to project onto others our ideas and expectations, which are even more distorted by the old resentments. This is delusion. Our old wounds and resentments may be completely unconscious. They may have been caused by an entirely different person. For example, we project our issues with our parents onto those with whom we 117 develop a close bond. This is the normal dynamic not only of newly married couples, but also of employees with bosses, of students with teachers-and especially, of novices and monks or nuns with their abbot or abbess. When we transfer old unresolved issues onto someone, our idea of that person has very little to do with the person him- or herself. We dredge up old issues with them, and put all the energy of the old resentment into it. This, of course, can destroy relationships (Jonah). How do you get out of this? I'm not sure - other than by patience, perseverance, and unconditional love. You have to somehow break through the delusion and see who the person really is. Ifwe arerepeatedly irritated by a person we are close to, it is not their problem, but rather our own. The irritation is our reaction. They are being who they are - and if we have not realized that yet, then we must simply accept them with their character flaws and all. The other person is responsible for his own sins. But I alone am responsible for my reactions (Jonah). We have to let go of our resentments of other people, and especially of those closest to us. First, we need to ask ourselves if we want to be angry, bitter, resentful, and unhappy. Then we must look at and take responsibility for our own reactions. We can only change ourselves. Then, we need to try to see the other for who he/she really is, with strengths and weaknesses, sins and foibles, and simply love him/her. This is the basis of forgiveness. Then, we must resolve not to let these things get in.the way of that love. We also have to know ourselves. Ifwe admit our own sins and shortcomings, how can we judge anyone else for their sins and failings? It is utter hypocrisy (Jonah). Letting go seems hard, but once we do it, we have the most freeing sense of having been liberated from slavery to these demons. First, we need to pray, and ask God to show us 118 ourselves, and to help us to love and forgive. Next, we need to be quiet, and let God show us. He will! Then, we need to be watchful, so that we do not allow ourselves to nurse resentment and bitterness (Jonah). Question: What about when I've forgiven, then see the person or hear of him or her, and the old hurt/anger returns afresh? Does this mean I haven't forgiven? Fr. Jonah: When we still have an angry reaction to someone, it means that we still have some resentment against them. Forgiveness comes in stages. We may be able to forgive partially, but the roots of the resentment are deep in our passions. So, we still have work to do. This is especially true when it is someone close to us, who really matters to our life. An offense can threaten a relationship that is part of our very identity, so the roots of our reactions can be very deep. Our forgiveness is relative to the degree to which we are free from our continued angry or hurt reaction. When we can love and accept someone without remembrance of the wrong, and without a reaction of anger and hurt, then we have truly forgiven. Another aspect of this is when we are projecting our expectations onto a person, and they continue to disappoint us. This should show us that our expectations are simply our own selfishness, and that we are failing to love the other unconditionally. We must take responsibility for our own anger and hurt, and simply let the person be him/herself (Jonah). Question: If the other party refuses to acknowledge an offense or show any remorse for his or her part in the breach, what should I do? Fr. Jonah: The way of humility is to ask forgiveness, and in turn, at least 119  internally, forgive the offender. It does no good to hold onto offenses and to remember wrongs. Let them know how important the relationship is to you. But then the ball is in their court. You cannot force anyone to forgiveness. Question: We often work through things verbally - yet we feel guilty when we discuss struggles or anger with another person. Is there a proper place for talking about a problem we're having, with a friend or confidant? Fr. Jonah: One role of a spiritual father or mother is to be able to help you work through your anger with someone. It is much easier to talk to your friends and acquaintances, but what that leads to is often a disaster: gossip and slander, self- justification and blaming, seeking sympathy, judgment and condemnation. And soon the person whom you resent is excluded from the community. One should never use a group of friends to talk through resentments and bitterness; while they may support your position, they will seldom make you see or take responsibility for your own sin in the breach. Guilt in such a case is very healthy, because you have sinned. How seldom it is that we will admit our responsibility for our own reactions among our friends! Ifwe have a close confidant, then perhaps we can talk it through with them. But they need to be impartial, and you must never try to justify yourself or force the other to judge the one who offended you (Jonah). Question: How do we cultivate a spirit of forgiveness and reconciliation, so that offenses don't stick? Fr. Jonah: We can cultivate a spirit of forgiveness by "never allowing the sun to go down on our anger." This is a fundamental monastic and Christian precept. If we allow a resentment to take root, it is our sin, no matter what the other person 120  has done to us. Now, we are only human, and this is part of our fallenness. But, when we see it happening, we need to stop ourselves, recognize that we are no different and sin no less than the other, and forgive. Even to seventy times seven, day in and day out. When someone says or does something to offend us, intentionally or unintentionally, we do not need to react in any way. We can simply take it in, and respond appropriately. This is the principle of non-reaction. It is based on the realization that our reactions are purely our own responsibility, and not caused by a provocation. The provocations will come, but we can choose to react or not, respond or not. There is a story in the desert fathers about a young novice who was told by his elder, "Go and yell at the rock." So, for half a day, he went and yelled at a rock, insulted, berated, and cursed it. He went back to his elder, who told him, ''Now, praise and flatter the rock." So he went back and praised, flattered, and said nice things to the rock. He went back and his elder asked him, "How did the rock react when you praised it?" "It didn't," he said. "How did it react when you screamed at it and cursed it?" "It didn't react," he said. "So," said the elder, "should you also be impervious to praise or calumny, and react to both in the same way, as did the rock" (Jonah). Much of the spiritual life is dedicated to one goal: complete self-mastery, especially in relation to control over one's reactions. The more mature we are, spiritually, the greater control we have over our reactions. In other words, we have to be watchful over our thoughts, and maintain a spirit of love and compassion. When our thoughts accuse others, and we begin to be upset, then we need to cut off the thoughts and recognize that they are temptations. They are more about me than about the other person. The more we let our thoughts against the other 121 fester, the harder it will be to rid ourselves of them, and resentments will develop. The basic principle of non-reaction, not only in deed, but in thought and feeling, and maintaining a spirit of peace, is the key. With this underlying attitude, it becomes difficult to get us to take offense, and thus, there is seldom a need for forgiveness or reconciliation. This, however, is a mark of very great maturity, and few there are that possess it (Jonah). Question: When I've had a serious disagreement with someone, and we have difficulty speaking comfortably to one another, what should I do? Fr. Jonah: Ifwe have had a serious disagreement, and cannot speak comfortably with one another, then we need to humble ourselves and ask forgiveness for having offended the other. We have to take responsibility for our part. Then it is up to the other to forgive in return. Always return forgiveness when it is asked. Question: What are the roots of unforgiveness? What does it do to me if I harbor bitterness? What does it do to the other person? What are the corresponding healing virtues for this passion? Fr. Jonah: The roots ofunforgiveness are pride, vainglory, arrogance, and conceit. If I refuse to forgive someone, it is my sin. I can no longer pray the Lord's Prayer without damning myself, nor approach the Chalice. We refuse to forgive because we feel justified in our resentment and bitterness. We cast all the blame and criticism on the other, and blind ourselves to the reality of our own faults. Thus we live in delusion. To harbor bitterness is unadulterated pride and conceit, and we alienate ourselves from Christ. Resentment and bitterness are cancer in the soul, which will destroy us if we do not forgive and become 122  reconciled. Such bitterness is often the root of addictions, which are simply attempts to anesthetize the pain of our own self-condemnation. We torment ourselves with the remembrance of wrongs and wallow in our self-pity, thinking ourselv s the innocent victims. Seldom is this the reality, except in some cases of abuse. When we have rage built up within ourselves, which has been stored up perhaps for years, maybe as the result of abuse or victimization, the process becomes far more complex. It takes a long time to work through such rage, so that our reactions do not come out sideways (Jonah). Christ is the ultimate example of complete forgiveness, of non-reaction, and of authentic humility. He did not revile and curse His captors and tormentors, those who slandered Him, bore false witness against Him, even tortured and crucified Him. "As a sheep led to the slaughter, and as a blameless lamb is dumb, so He opened not His mouth." We have countless examples of Christian martyrs bearing all kinds of torments and sufferings for Christ's sake, in a spirit of forgiveness, peace, and reconciliation (Jonah). When we truly are innocent victims of someone else's sins, the only thing to do is to forgive them. If we harbor resentment, we repeatedly victimize ourselves with the sin of the other every time we remember their wrong and indulge in our resentment. Forgiveness is the only way to healing. Sometimes people refuse to receive our forgiveness. To refuse forgiveness is pride and conceit, self-justification. If someone does not want to be forgiven - often because he cannot or will not forgive himself - our forgiveness and compassion is like "burning coals heaped on his 123 head." So also is God's forgiveness ofus: not to judge or condemn us, but to lead us to repentance (Jonah). The burning coal of love is torment when we refuse to accept forgiveness or forgive ourselves. We cannot accept love when we hate ourselves. But it is precisely this divine love which will heal us because it exposes our self-hatred. In self-hatred we are too ashamed to accept forgiveness, are closed in on ourselves, fearing that exposure of ourselves to ourselves. And so we act out. But ifwe can turn, repent, and begin to let in the love of God and of others, then that love can begin to transform our souls (Jonah). We can only fight against the spirit of pride, unforgiveness, and self-condemnation with humility, love, and compassion. Humility does not mean bowing and scraping. Rather, it is being nakedly honest with oneself and others. We have to speak the truth in love; but we can only do this in the brutal honesty of humility, seeing our own sins and realizing the other is no different from ourselves. We can address offenses, but ifthere is no love in our speech and attitude, there is no truth, only facts. And facts do not heal, only love and compassion (Jonah). Question: What does real reconciliation look like? How come we see so few examples of this in action, in the Church, and so many instances of broken fellowship and relationships? Fr. Jonah: Real reconciliation means complete and authentic acceptance of one another, despite sins, offenses, and transgressions: an authentic bond between persons in a spirit of love and humility. There will always be sins and offenses. We must never allow ourselves to criticize and judge one another, \)ecause it is always hypocrisy. We only judge others because we see in them our own faults and insecurities mirrored back to us. But ifwe can live in mature forgiveness and 124  communion with others, in humility accepting one another as God accepts us, then our communities and churches will be transparent - revealing the Kingdom of Heaven, filled with divine grace. The sad reality of our churches and lives, marriages and friendships, is that we are fallen, broken, and passionate. We justify ourselves in arrogant conceit, and refuse to forgive or to see our own faults. So our communities shatter, marriages break up, and friendships end. Ultimately, this is because we put the gratification of our egos as the main criterion of relationships, rather than the humble and unconditional love of the other that is demanded by the Gospel (Jonah). Question: How often is the lack of forgiveness at the heart of our parish battles, of our marriage problems, and of our problems with our kids? Fr. Jonah: Lack of forgiveness is the core of almost all our parish battles. Marriage problems and relationships with our kids also have lack of forgiveness at the core. Resentments build up and fester, we heap selfish expectations on one another and can't see one another for who we really are. So it's no wonder that relationships break down. To have a spirit of forgiveness means to be authentically open to one another, despite wrongs and sins. Ifwe can do this, there is nothing that cannot be healed." Chapter 9 Chapter Outline: This chapter provides scripture to read in order to sustain a happier life 125 shared with God. These examples are used to be able to prevent or control ones' anger. Bible Verses "There are always going to be times in your Christian life when you become angry or sad. However, as a Christian, you can't let these angry emotions change your life. If you're looking for help with anger issues or dealing with someone else with anger problems, you can use the Holy Bible to help with your anger. It's hard to do, but turning to God can make you a more peaceful person. The Bible can be a great tool to help combat being quick to anger. By reading these Bible verses about anger, you can find a better way to cope with your problems. Although these Bible verses on anger may not be your cure, they should help soothe your soul and put you back on the right path" (Bible Verses On Anger). Scriptures to Help with Anger (Tomlinson, 2009). 1. "A quick-tempered man acts foolishly, and a man of wicked intentions is hated" (Proverbs 14:17). 2. "He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, but he who is impulsive exalts folly" (Proverbs 14:29). 3. "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 126 15:1). 4. "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city" (Proverbs 16:32). 5. "The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression" (Proverbs 19:11). 6. "Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, Lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul" (Proverbs 22:24-25). 7. "But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, 'Raca!' shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, 'You fool!' shall be in danger of hell fire" (Matthew 5:22). 8. "Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil" (Ephesians 4:26-27). 9. "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you" (Ephesians 4:31-32). 10. "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God" (James 1:19-20). 11. "But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth" (Colossians 3:8). 127 12. "Do not say, "I will recompense evil"; Wait for the LORD, and He will save you" (Proverbs 20:22). 13. "A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back" (Proverbs 29:11). 14. "But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient" (2 Timothy 2:23-24). 15. "Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing" (I Peter 3:8-9). 16. "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you" (Matthew 6:14). 17. "Do not hasten in your spirit to be angry, for anger rests in the bosom of fools" (Ecclesiastes 7:9). 18. "You shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD" (Leviticus 19:17-18). 19. "Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret-it only causes harm" (Psalms 37:8). "And he looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, and 128 said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." He stretched it out, and his hand was restored" (Mark 3:5). Chapter 10 Why Is It Important to Have Faith? Faith is an expression of hope for something better. More than a wish, it is closer to a belief, but not quite. A belief is rooted in the mind. Faith is based in the heart. We act in faith when there is no guarantee, no certainty. No one knows what kind oflife an infant will have, yet people continue to have children. No one can know how life with our mates will turn out, yet we continue to have faith our relationships will last a lifetime (Dobrin, 2012). Faith speaks the language of the heart. It is an expression of hope that goes beyond the conscious mind. All that we hold precious rests upon a faith in people, their potential not yet fulfilled. The evidence of history points us in a different direction-the world is full of ugliness, brutality, and injustices. Yet there is also tenderness, kindness and concern and that takes the bigger part of our hearts. Without faith in ourselves we would hold ourselves cheap, and without a faith in others we could never live as free people. This is the water that quenches parched souls. Here is a famous parable: Once a traveler came across an old woman who was stooped 129 over what appeared to be thin sticks. He asked the woman what she was doing. "I am planting orange trees," she explained. The traveler thought this was a waste of her time. "Why do you bother?" he asked. "You are an old woman. These saplings will take years before they will be old enough to bear fruit. You will be long gone by then." "True enough," she answered. "But I don't plant these trees for myself but for those who will come after me, just as those before me planted the trees that bear the fruit that I eat today" (Dobrin, 2012). Why is it Important to Have Faith in God? Your theme for tonight is "We have come this far by faith, trusting, and leaning on the Lord." And through it all through joy and pain, through sunshine and rain, it was God who brought us (you) through. God has never nor will He ever fail anyone who put their trust in Him for Romans 10:11 says, "Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed." In Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." In a nutshell, faith is believing and trusting God at his Word without any questions or doubts. In Mark 11:22-23 it says, "Have faith in God. For verily I say unto you, that whosever shall say unto this mountain, "Be thou removed and be cast into the sea'" and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith, shall come to pass, and shall have whatsoever he saith." In Hebrews 10:38 says, "The just shall live by faith, but if any man draws back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him." 2 Corinthians 5:7 says, "For we walk by faith, not by sight." It is a blessing and important that we as Christians to live and walk by faith 130 because in Hebrews 11:6 says, "Without faith, it is impossible to please God; for He that cometh to God must believe that He is, and He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him." In Psalm 53, it says that "The fool has said in his heart, "There is no God." The reason why the fool has said in his heart that there is no God is because their hearts are hard, and will not believe that there is a God unless they see God with their naked eyes. But John 20:27 says, "Blessed are they that have not seen, but yet believe" (Mccall, 2006). Why is it Important to Have Faith in God? It is by faith that we are saved by the grace of God. Ephesians 2:8-9 says, "For by grace are you saved through faith, and not that of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, lest any man should boast." Romans 10:9 says, "If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus, and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, thou shalt be saved." Acts 16:31 says, "Believe on the Lord Jesus, and thou shalt be saved." It is through faith in God that we overcome the world. I John 5:4-5 says, "For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world, and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God." When we pray to God we must pray in faith (Mccall, 2006). James 1: 5-8 says, "if any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wravering. For he that wavereth. For he that wavereth (doubts) is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive anything from the 131 Lord. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." Matthew 21:23 says, "And all things whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." It is through faith that we have the peace of, and the peace of God. Isaiah 26:3 says, Thou wilt keep in him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee." (Mccall, 2006). Bibliography Keywords - anger in the bible 1. Anger Bible Verses. (n.d.). BibleStudyTools.com. Retrieved July 3 l, 2014, from 132