Jack Schafer; PhD; Ph.D. Marvin Karlins; Ph.D - The Like Switch

• This briefing document is about how to build rapport, foster liking, and influence others using understanding of human interaction.
• It uses Dr. Jack Schaefer's book, "The Like Switch", which comes from his background as an FBI behavioral analyst.
• The core ideas involve non-verbal communication, "the friendship formula", "the golden rule of friendship", and various "laws of attraction".

Friend vs. Foe Signals

• Brains are constantly scanning for non-verbal cues to assess if someone is a friend, neutral, or foe.
• This scan of the environment determines if the individual is approachable, non-threatening, or to be avoided.

Friend Signals

• Eyebrow Flash: Quick up and down movement, signals "I am not a threat", brains look for this signal within 5-6 feet of meeting someone.
• Head Tilt: Tilting head exposes carotid artery, shows trust, signals trustworthiness and attractiveness.
• Real Smile: Upturned mouth corners, raised cheeks, wrinkles around eyes, indicates genuine happiness and warmth.
• Eye Contact: Brief (one second) eye contact followed by a smile, indicates interest and approachability, prolonged staring can signal aggression.
• Mirroring (Isopraism): Subtly mirroring body language creates rapport and familiarity when you first meet someone.
• Whispering: Indicates a close personal relationship.
• Food Forking: Sharing food from someone's plate suggests closeness.
• Expressive Gestures: Reinforces verbal communication and signals engagement.
• Head Nodding & Verbal Nudges: Signals engagement and encourages speaker.
• Focused Attention: Minimizing distractions and showing genuine interest.

Foe Signals

• Urban Scowl: Tense facial expression that repels others.
• Unnatural Eyebrow Flash: Exaggerated/prolonged raise, perceived as unfriendly.
• Elongated Gaze (Stare): Prolonged eye contact is perceived as aggression.
• Elevator Eyes: Sweeping head-to-toe gaze, felt as intrusive.
• Tightened Jaw Muscles, Narrowed Eyes, Furrowed Eyebrows: Indicates threat.
• Aggressive Stance: Wide stance, arms akimbo, signals readiness for fight.
• Attack Signals: Clenched fists, widened stance, flared nostrils, red face.
• Insulting Gestures: Culturally specific gestures to convey offense.
• Scrunched Nose: Signals disgust or dislike.
• Face Mask: Non-medical context, acts as a foe signal.
• Invasion of Personal Space: Standing too close or intrusive eye contact.
• Asynchronous Posture: Lack of mirroring acts as a foe signal.
• Backward Leaning, Crossed Arms, Lip Compressions: Indicates conversation not well-received.
• Eye Rolls, Cold Stairs, Prolonged Eye Closure/Aversion, Limited Touching, Negative Headshakes, Fake Yawns, Eye Squints, Self-Pining, B** Flip.**

Friendship Formula

• Key elements influence relationship development: proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity.
• Proximity: Physical nearness increases interaction and relationship potential, sitting with someone daily.
• Frequency: Number of interactions, increased interactions strengthen connections.
• Duration: Time spent with someone, longer durations increase influence.
• Intensity: Emotional connection and sharing of personal information.
• These elements can be regulated to strengthen or decrease relationships.

Golden Rule of Friendship

• If you want people to like you, make them feel good about themselves.
• Focus attention on the other person and their needs, not your own ego.
• Empathic Statements: Acknowledge feelings to show you are listening.
• Active Listening: Pay close attention and demonstrate genuine interest.
• Asking for Favors: Allows the person doing the favor to feel helpful.
• Primacy Effect: The first impression shapes how someone is perceived.

Laws of Attraction

• Law of Commonality: Attracted to those with shared interests.
• Law of Contemporaneous Experience: Sharing the same present interests or attitudes.
• Law of Vicarious Experience: Commonality through family or friends' experiences.
• Law of Misattribution: Associate good feelings with those present when they arise.
• Law of Curiosity: Creating intrigue to draw people in.
• Law of Physical Attractiveness: Attractive individuals perceived more positively.
• Law of Humor: Appropriate humor increases likability.
• Law of Availability Scarcity: Unobtainable people are more attractive.
• Law of the Rocky Road: Relationships starting with dislike can be stronger.
• Law of Buttering Down the Boss: Initially neutral then positive creates a stronger connection.
• Law of Personality: Tailor interactions based on personality types.

Speaking the Language of Friendship

• Rule #1: Listen, give others opportunity to talk without interruption and display non-verbal cues of interest.
• Rule #2: Observe, pay attention to non-verbal signals before, during, and after interactions. Recognize cues like lip purses (dissension), lip bites (hesitation), lip compressions (reluctance), and lip touching (uneasiness).
• Rule #3: Vocalize, tone of voice, speed, and intonation impact message reception.
• Lowering voice at end of sentence signals the end of your turn.
• Strategies:
  • Give a Face-Saving Way Out: Allow someone to concede gracefully.
  • Status Elevation: Compliment someone to make them feel important.
  • Seek Advice: Makes the other person feel valued.
  • Elicitation: Obtain info without asking direct questions.

Navigating Digital Relationships

• Apply friend/foe signals online, be mindful of your digital footprint, be authentic, perform veracity tests to gauge honesty.
• Veracity tests:
  • The "Well" Technique: Starting a response to a direct yes/no question with "well" indicates deception.
  • The "Land of Is": Avoiding a direct yes or no.
  • Bolstering Statements: Overemphasizing credibility.
  • The "Why Should I Believe You?" Technique: A direct challenge to assess truthfulness.

Practical Application

• Friendship formula and techniques used in intelligence and everyday scenarios.
• Common enemies can be a powerful catalyst for forming alliances.
• Focus is on signaling non-threat, making others feel good and understanding their perspective.

Key Components of Friendship Formula

• Proximity: Physical nearness, increases interaction likelihood.
• Frequency: Regular interaction builds familiarity.
• Duration: Time spent influences impact.
• Intensity: Shared experiences contribute to bond strength.

Importance of Non-Verbal Communication

• Signal your brain automatically processes to determine if someone is approachable.
• Eyebrow Flash: Signals you are not a threat.
• Head Tilt: Signals trust and attractiveness.
• Real Smile: Signals happiness and confidence.

Friend Foe Continuum

• Conceptual scale of how we perceive others.
• Initial contact places person in a "stranger zone".
• Brains interpret verbal and non-verbal cues.

How To Apply The Golden Rule of Friendship

• Make them feel good for successful relationships.
• Focus your attention on others so they associate good feelings with you.
• Involve actively listening, empathy, and focus the conversation on the other person.

Primacy Effect

• First impressions influence subsequent judgments.
• Creating positive initial impression, establish a filter of how others perceive you.

Elicitation Techniques

• Subtle ways to get info without direct questions.
• Based on human needs to be correct or correct others.
  • Presumptive Statements: Can be either right or wrong to encourage correction and explanation.
  • Third-Person Perspective: Asking about hypothetical situations or experience.

Damaging Non-Verbal Signals

• Create a threatening or unapproachable barrier.
  • Elongated Gaze: Prolonged eye contact seen as aggressive.
  • Elevator Eyes: Intrusive head-to-toe gaze.
  • Facial Tension: Tightened jaw, furrowed eyebrows.
  • Aggressive Stance: Wide stance, arms akimbo.
  • Insulting Gestures: Offensive gestures.
  • Scrunched Nose: Dislike or disgust.
  • Closed Body Posture: Crossed arms, leaning away.

Digital world

• Apply relationship building techniques.
• Online posts are permanent and public.
• Pretending to be someone you're is bad.
• Avoid sarcasm, understatements, or double meanings.
• "Well technique" or evasive language as potential deception indicators.