Shame 101: Understanding Human Emotions

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Questions and Answers

What is a common way shame is used as a management tool?

Firing employees with dignity

Comparing employees' performances (correct)

Giving rewards to outstanding employees

Publicly reprimanding subordinates (correct)

What percentage of people interviewed recalled a school incident that was so shaming it changed how they thought of themselves as learners?

90 percent

70 percent

80 percent

85 percent (correct)

What is a key factor in stifling creativity and innovation?

Comparison (correct)

Fair rewards

Positive feedback

Public recognition

What percentage of people interviewed could name a teacher or administrator who helped them believe in themselves?

90 percent Signup and view all the answers

What does 'giving someone a way out with dignity' entail?

Considering their feelings and well-being Signup and view all the answers

What is a sign that shame has become an outright management tool?

Leaders bullying others Signup and view all the answers

What is a common outcome of shame in a culture?

Decreased morale Signup and view all the answers

What is a characteristic of a 'crent/vify scar'?

A shaming incident that affects self-worth Signup and view all the answers

What is a key aspect of firing someone with dignity?

Considering the individual's feelings Signup and view all the answers

What is a common behavior in cultures where shame permeates?

Favoritism Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary difference between shame and guilt according to researchers and clinicians?

Shame is about who you are, while guilt is about what you do Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of confusing shame and guilt?

Severe consequences Signup and view all the answers

What is the driving force behind narcissistic behavior according to the author?

A fear of being ordinary Signup and view all the answers

What is the ultimate goal of talking about shame?

To get out from under its power Signup and view all the answers

What is the common misconception about shame in the context of unethical behavior?

Shame is the absence of conscience Signup and view all the answers

What is the universal aspect of shame?

It's an unbearable pain Signup and view all the answers

What is the reason shame is difficult to talk about?

Because it derives its power from being unspoken Signup and view all the answers

What is the relationship between shame and fear in the context of unethical behavior?

Shame and fear are often the driving forces behind unethical behavior Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary way to overcome shame?

By talking about it Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of shame on an individual's self-worth?

It diminishes self-worth Signup and view all the answers

What is the only exception to experiencing shame?

Those who lack the capacity for empathy and human connection Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary fear associated with shame?

Fear of disconnection Signup and view all the answers

According to the research, what is the definition of shame?

The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection Signup and view all the answers

What are the two tapes that shame drives, according to the text?

Never good enough and Who do you think you are? Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of armoring and contorting ourselves into smallness due to shame?

Things break and we suffocate Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary motivation for people to talk about shame?

To alleviate the discomfort and control shame has over their lives Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary purpose of human connection, according to the text?

To give and receive love and belonging Signup and view all the answers

What is the seductive response to shame, according to the text?

Retreating into our smallness Signup and view all the answers

What is the main purpose of empathy according to the author?

To connect with the emotions of the other person Signup and view all the answers

Why did the author's friend Steve listen on the phone call without saying much?

Because he wanted to show empathy and let the author express their emotions Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of trying to fix someone's problem instead of showing empathy?

Both people get stuck in the problem Signup and view all the answers

Why is it important to maintain boundaries when showing empathy?

So we don't take on the other person's emotions Signup and view all the answers

What did the author's friend Ellen text in response to the author's cancelled flight?

That's what counts Signup and view all the answers

What did Suzanne do to show empathy to the author on the flights home?

She squeezed the author's hand and said 'I know' Signup and view all the answers

What is empathy, according to the author?

Connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of showing empathy to someone in pain?

Connection is what heals Signup and view all the answers

Why did the author's friend Steve not try to fix the problem on the phone call?

He knew empathy is not about fixing, but being with someone in their darkness Signup and view all the answers

What did the woman working at the Life Is Good airport shop do to show kindness?

She let the author sit on the floor and hide for thirty minutes Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary outcome of shame, according to the content?

Destructive, hurtful, immoral, and self-aggrandizing behavior Signup and view all the answers

What is the driving force behind making amends or changing behavior that doesn't align with our values?

Guilt Signup and view all the answers

What is the difference between shame and humiliation, according to Donald Klein?

People believe they deserve their shame, but not their humiliation Signup and view all the answers

What is the hallmark of embarrassment, according to the content?

We know others have done the same thing and it will pass Signup and view all the answers

Why is shame particularly dangerous?

Because where shame exists, empathy is almost always absent Signup and view all the answers

What is the core of shame resilience?

Emotional literacy Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of shame in organizations?

Destruction of innovation, trust, connection, and culture Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary difference between shame and guilt?

Shame is internalized, while guilt is external Signup and view all the answers

What is the outcome of shame on an individual's belief in their ability to change?

It corrodes their belief in their ability to change Signup and view all the answers

What is the impact of shame on empathy?

Where shame exists, empathy is almost always absent Signup and view all the answers

What is one of the key aspects of empathy in social media?

Everyone has a chance to paint the world from their own perspective Signup and view all the answers

Who was the first African American photographer to shoot the cover of Vogue?

Tyler Mitchell Signup and view all the answers

What is the key to rumbling with vulnerability?

Curiosity Signup and view all the answers

Why do we judge others, according to research?

Because we are more susceptible to shame in those areas Signup and view all the answers

What is crucial for empathy, shame resilience, and the ability to reset and rise after a fall?

Emotional literacy Signup and view all the answers

What happens when we can't name and articulate our emotions?

We can't move through our emotions Signup and view all the answers

What is necessary for understanding emotions in others and communicating our understanding of these emotions?

Being fluent in the language of feelings Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of staying in judgment?

Shame and a vicious cycle Signup and view all the answers

What is essential for moving through our emotions?

Emotional literacy Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary focus of delivering the news in a kind manner?

To know that we all have hearts that can be hurt Signup and view all the answers

According to Susan, what is a major obstacle to giving people a way out with dignity?

Armoring up and getting defensive Signup and view all the answers

What is the key to building confidence and reducing judgment?

Building self-worth and grounded confidence Signup and view all the answers

What is a sign of a shame infestation in an organization?

A culture of complicity and shame Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of a culture that prioritizes reputation over human dignity?

Shame is systemic and complicity is part of the culture Signup and view all the answers

What is the outcome of giving people permission to talk about shame?

It shines a light in a dark corner and builds trust Signup and view all the answers

What is a key aspect of developing shame resilience?

Normalizing shame and building trust Signup and view all the answers

Why is it important to give people a way out with dignity?

To respect the human dignity of individuals Signup and view all the answers

What is the outcome of a culture that uses shame to keep people quiet?

A trail of devastation and pain Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary benefit of having real talk about shame?

It points the way to desired new behaviors and culture shifts Signup and view all the answers

What is the difference between shame resistance and shame resilience?

Shame resistance is not possible, but shame resilience is Signup and view all the answers

What is the main reason why empathy decision trees do not work?

Because people are different Signup and view all the answers

Why did Suzanne not initiate a hug with the author at the airport?

Because she knew the author needed some space Signup and view all the answers

What does Melinda Gates focus on in her philanthropic work?

Gender equity Signup and view all the answers

What was the response of foundation employees after Melinda Gates admitted to keeping a list of dos and don'ts?

They admired her vulnerability and felt more connected to her Signup and view all the answers

What is the main aspect of empathy according to the author?

Being connected with someone in their struggle Signup and view all the answers

Why is it important to maintain boundaries when showing empathy?

To avoid emotional exhaustion Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of trying to fix someone's problem instead of showing empathy?

The person feels frustrated and unheard Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary goal of empathy?

To provide emotional support and connection Signup and view all the answers

Why is it important to engage with someone and stay curious when practicing empathy?

To understand the person's emotions and needs Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of showing empathy to someone in pain?

They feel heard and understood Signup and view all the answers

What is shame resilience about?

Moving from shame to empathy Signup and view all the answers

What is the antidote to shame?

Empathy Signup and view all the answers

What is the reason for the cancellation of the flight?

Mechanical reasons Signup and view all the answers

Why is self-compassion important in shame resilience?

It helps us be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame Signup and view all the answers

What is Suzanne's characteristic that helps her get things done?

Her ability to get things done quickly Signup and view all the answers

Why is empathy important in shame resilience?

It's a social concept that happens between people Signup and view all the answers

What is the function of empathy in cultures?

To build trust and connection Signup and view all the answers

What is the speaker's response when they realize they won't make it to the game on time?

They start sobbing Signup and view all the answers

What is Suzanne's approach to the speaker's emotional pain?

She reflects back the truth of how the speaker is feeling Signup and view all the answers

What is the essential ingredient for teams who take risks and show up for rumbles?

Empathy Signup and view all the answers

What is easily confused with empathy?

Sympathy and giving advice Signup and view all the answers

What is the speaker's realization about empathy?

Empathy is infinite and renewable Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of sharing our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding?

Shame can't survive Signup and view all the answers

Why is the speaker heartbroken about not being able to attend the game?

Because it's a big deal and they want to be there for their daughter Signup and view all the answers

What is Suzanne's response to the speaker's comparison of their situation to others?

She refuses to engage in comparative suffering Signup and view all the answers

What is the goal of adding empathy to our courage toolbox?

To translate empathy into specific skills Signup and view all the answers

What is the significance of the game and ceremony for the speaker?

It's the first of many formal goodbyes to high school Signup and view all the answers

What is the importance of understanding the barriers to empathy?

To understand the big barriers to empathy Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of Suzanne's approach to the speaker's emotional pain?

The speaker feels heard and understood Signup and view all the answers

What does the speaker learn from Suzanne's behavior?

That empathy is infinite and renewable Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary goal of perspective-taking in empathy?

To honor people's perspectives as truth even when they're different from yours Signup and view all the answers

Why is it important to respect diverse perspectives in a team or organization?

To create a culture of inclusivity and innovation Signup and view all the answers

What is a common mistake people make when trying to understand someone else's perspective?

Believing they can take off their own lenses and look through the lenses of someone else Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of not including diverse perspectives in a team or organization?

Hiring and casting the same people repeatedly Signup and view all the answers

What is the role of empirical evidence in understanding human emotions and behavior?

It offers insights into the complexity of human emotions and behavior Signup and view all the answers

What is the importance of teaching children perspective-taking skills?

It allows them to understand and respect different viewpoints Signup and view all the answers

What is the relationship between inclusivity and innovation?

Inclusivity has a positive correlation with innovation and creativity Signup and view all the answers

What is the key aspect of acquiring perspective-taking skills as an adult?

It requires becoming the learner, not the knower Signup and view all the answers

What is the significance of Dr. Neff's research in the context of empathy?

It adds a fifth attribute to the understanding of empathy Signup and view all the answers

What is the main challenge of perspective-taking in a culture where majority perspectives are dominant?

It requires unlearning the dominant perspective and becoming open to other lenses Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary reason why people struggle to recognize and name emotions?

They are unable to differentiate between various emotions Signup and view all the answers

What is the iceberg effect in the context of emotions?

The tendency to suppress emotions beneath the surface Signup and view all the answers

What is the fifth element of empathy according to the author?

Paying attention Signup and view all the answers

Why is it important to recognize and name emotions in ourselves and others?

To build trust and connection Signup and view all the answers

What is the purpose of asking 'What I hear you saying is...' in a conversation?

To clarify understanding Signup and view all the answers

Why do people often turn to anger or silence instead of expressing shame or grief?

Because our culture is more accepting of anger Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of not being able to recognize and name emotions in ourselves and others?

Difficulty in getting back on our feet after a fall Signup and view all the answers

What is the benefit of 'going there' and rumbling openly about emotions in a conversation?

It builds trust and connection Signup and view all the answers

Why is it important to circle back and course-correct when we misunderstand someone's emotions?

To maintain a connection Signup and view all the answers

What is the key aspect of communicating our understanding of someone's emotions?

To have the courage to circle back and course-correct Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary difference between empathy and sympathy?

Feeling with people versus feeling for them Signup and view all the answers

What do the two words 'Me too' convey in a struggle?

I know what it's like down here, and you're not alone Signup and view all the answers

What is the outcome of empathic failure?

A sense of shame and disconnection Signup and view all the answers

What is the role of empathy in building connection?

Empathy fuels connection and builds trust Signup and view all the answers

What is the difference between climbing down into the hole with someone and jumping into the hole with them?

Climbing down is enmeshment, while jumping in is empathy Signup and view all the answers

How can we practice empathy?

By being present and listening to others without judgment Signup and view all the answers

What is the outcome of an empathic response?

The person feels heard, seen, and understood Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary goal of empathy?

To understand the person's perspective and feel with them Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of not having the right person to share with?

A feeling of disconnection and loneliness Signup and view all the answers

What is the role of empathy in facilitating deep change?

Empathy fuels deep change and creates courage Signup and view all the answers

Study Notes

Shame 101

Shame is a universal and primitive human emotion that everyone experiences, except those who lack empathy and human connection.
Shame is the fear of disconnection, which is the fear of being unworthy of connection, love, and belonging.
Definition of shame: the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.

Shame vs. Guilt, Humiliation, and Embarrassment

Shame: "I am bad" (focus on self)
Guilt: "I did something bad" (focus on behavior)
Humiliation: feeling degraded or belittled, but not internalized as shame
Embarrassment: fleeting, doesn't define self, and can be funny

Shame at Work

Shame can be hidden behind the walls of organizations, but can be detected by behavioral cues such as:
- Perfectionism
- Favoritism
- Gossiping
- Back-channeling
- Comparison
- Self-worth tied to productivity
- Harassment
- Discrimination
- Power over others
- Bullying
- Blaming
- Teasing
- Cover-ups
Shame can be used as a management tool, which is detrimental to culture and innovation

How Shame Shows Up

In schools, shame can be used to control students, leading to lifelong scars
Comparison is a shame tool that stifles creativity and innovation
Leaders have the power to influence people's self-worth, for better or worse

Firing with Dignity

Giving people a way out with dignity is essential when firing employees
Leaders should be kind, clear, respectful, and generous when delivering the news
Firing with dignity is not about avoiding hard decisions, but about being tender in implementation

Shame Resilience

Shame resistance is not possible, but shame resilience is teachable and within reach
Shame resilience is the ability to practice authenticity, move through shame without sacrificing values, and come out with more courage, compassion, and connection
Empathy is the real antidote to shame, and self-compassion is key to reaching out and connecting with others### Empathy and Connection
Empathy is connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience, not the experience itself.
Empathy is not about fixing, it's about connecting with someone in their darkness.
Research has identified four attributes of empathy:
Perspective taking: seeing the world as others see it.
Being non-judgmental.
Understanding another person's feelings.
Communicating understanding of that person's feelings.

Empathy in Practice

Suzanne showed empathy to the narrator by not minimizing their pain and choosing to reflect back their emotions.
The narrator learned that empathy is not about making things better, it's about connecting.
Empathy is a choice, and it's a vulnerable choice because it requires connecting with something in oneself that knows that feeling.

The Importance of Perspective Taking

Perspective taking is about honoring people's perspectives as truth even when they're different from ours.
We can't take off our own lenses and look through someone else's, but we can ask questions and respect their truth as a full truth.
Inclusivity, innovation, and performance are positively correlated because diverse perspectives are included, respected, and valued.

Non-Judgmental Attitude

Judging others often stems from our own shame and vulnerabilities.
We judge in areas where we're most susceptible to shame, and we judge people who are doing worse than we are in those areas.
Staying out of judgment means being aware of where we feel judgmental because it can lead to a vicious shame cycle.

Understanding and Communicating Emotions

Understanding emotions in others and communicating our understanding of these emotions require us to be in touch with our own feelings.
Emotional literacy is critical, and being fluent in the language of feelings is essential for empathy, shame resilience, and the ability to reset and rise after a fall.
We need to be able to recognize and name at least thirty emotions in ourselves and others to be emotionally literate.

Communicating Empathy

Communicating our understanding of someone's feelings can feel like a risk because we can get it wrong.
When we show up with our whole hearts, pay attention, and stay curious, we can course-correct and have meaningful conversations.
Rumbling openly about emotions and being willing to "go there" can build connection and alignment in conversations.### Understanding Emotions
Shame and grief are hard to express, so we often turn to anger or silence
It's easier to express anger than pain, and our culture is more accepting of anger

Empathy Skills

Empathy is about connection and understanding
I take the perspective of another person, staying out of judgment and trying to understand their emotions
Communicate understanding of their emotions

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is taking a balanced approach to negative emotions without suppressing or exaggerating them
It requires not being over-identified with thoughts and feelings, avoiding negative reactivity
Practice mindfulness by paying attention to conversations, feelings, body language, and the body language of others

What Empathy Looks Like

Empathy is about connection and being connected
There's no formula or empathy decision tree, as everyone's responses differ
Connect, stay curious, and stay engaged to practice empathy

Empathy in Practice

When struggling, we need to share with someone who embraces our strengths and struggles
Finding the right person takes practice, and so does being that right person
Empathy is about the right person, at the right time, on the right issues

Barriers to Empathy

There are six known barriers to empathy, including empathic failure or miss
Empathic miss can make us feel alone, exposed, and shameful

Empathy vs. Sympathy

Empathy is feeling with people, while sympathy is feeling for them
Empathy fuels connection, while sympathy drives disconnection
"Me too" are powerful words that show empathy and understanding

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Description

This quiz explores the concept of shame, a universal human emotion. It discusses the importance of acknowledging and dealing with shame in a healthy way.