Podcast
Questions and Answers
What is a common way shame is used as a management tool?
What is a common way shame is used as a management tool?
- Firing employees with dignity
- Comparing employees' performances (correct)
- Giving rewards to outstanding employees
- Publicly reprimanding subordinates (correct)
What percentage of people interviewed recalled a school incident that was so shaming it changed how they thought of themselves as learners?
What percentage of people interviewed recalled a school incident that was so shaming it changed how they thought of themselves as learners?
- 90 percent
- 70 percent
- 80 percent
- 85 percent (correct)
What is a key factor in stifling creativity and innovation?
What is a key factor in stifling creativity and innovation?
- Comparison (correct)
- Fair rewards
- Positive feedback
- Public recognition
What percentage of people interviewed could name a teacher or administrator who helped them believe in themselves?
What percentage of people interviewed could name a teacher or administrator who helped them believe in themselves?
What does 'giving someone a way out with dignity' entail?
What does 'giving someone a way out with dignity' entail?
What is a sign that shame has become an outright management tool?
What is a sign that shame has become an outright management tool?
What is a common outcome of shame in a culture?
What is a common outcome of shame in a culture?
What is a characteristic of a 'crent/vify scar'?
What is a characteristic of a 'crent/vify scar'?
What is a key aspect of firing someone with dignity?
What is a key aspect of firing someone with dignity?
What is a common behavior in cultures where shame permeates?
What is a common behavior in cultures where shame permeates?
What is the primary difference between shame and guilt according to researchers and clinicians?
What is the primary difference between shame and guilt according to researchers and clinicians?
What is the result of confusing shame and guilt?
What is the result of confusing shame and guilt?
What is the driving force behind narcissistic behavior according to the author?
What is the driving force behind narcissistic behavior according to the author?
What is the ultimate goal of talking about shame?
What is the ultimate goal of talking about shame?
What is the common misconception about shame in the context of unethical behavior?
What is the common misconception about shame in the context of unethical behavior?
What is the universal aspect of shame?
What is the universal aspect of shame?
What is the reason shame is difficult to talk about?
What is the reason shame is difficult to talk about?
What is the relationship between shame and fear in the context of unethical behavior?
What is the relationship between shame and fear in the context of unethical behavior?
What is the primary way to overcome shame?
What is the primary way to overcome shame?
What is the result of shame on an individual's self-worth?
What is the result of shame on an individual's self-worth?
What is the only exception to experiencing shame?
What is the only exception to experiencing shame?
What is the primary fear associated with shame?
What is the primary fear associated with shame?
According to the research, what is the definition of shame?
According to the research, what is the definition of shame?
What are the two tapes that shame drives, according to the text?
What are the two tapes that shame drives, according to the text?
What is the result of armoring and contorting ourselves into smallness due to shame?
What is the result of armoring and contorting ourselves into smallness due to shame?
What is the primary motivation for people to talk about shame?
What is the primary motivation for people to talk about shame?
What is the primary purpose of human connection, according to the text?
What is the primary purpose of human connection, according to the text?
What is the seductive response to shame, according to the text?
What is the seductive response to shame, according to the text?
What is the main purpose of empathy according to the author?
What is the main purpose of empathy according to the author?
Why did the author's friend Steve listen on the phone call without saying much?
Why did the author's friend Steve listen on the phone call without saying much?
What is the result of trying to fix someone's problem instead of showing empathy?
What is the result of trying to fix someone's problem instead of showing empathy?
Why is it important to maintain boundaries when showing empathy?
Why is it important to maintain boundaries when showing empathy?
What did the author's friend Ellen text in response to the author's cancelled flight?
What did the author's friend Ellen text in response to the author's cancelled flight?
What did Suzanne do to show empathy to the author on the flights home?
What did Suzanne do to show empathy to the author on the flights home?
What is empathy, according to the author?
What is empathy, according to the author?
What is the result of showing empathy to someone in pain?
What is the result of showing empathy to someone in pain?
Why did the author's friend Steve not try to fix the problem on the phone call?
Why did the author's friend Steve not try to fix the problem on the phone call?
What did the woman working at the Life Is Good airport shop do to show kindness?
What did the woman working at the Life Is Good airport shop do to show kindness?
What is the primary outcome of shame, according to the content?
What is the primary outcome of shame, according to the content?
What is the driving force behind making amends or changing behavior that doesn't align with our values?
What is the driving force behind making amends or changing behavior that doesn't align with our values?
What is the difference between shame and humiliation, according to Donald Klein?
What is the difference between shame and humiliation, according to Donald Klein?
What is the hallmark of embarrassment, according to the content?
What is the hallmark of embarrassment, according to the content?
Why is shame particularly dangerous?
Why is shame particularly dangerous?
What is the core of shame resilience?
What is the core of shame resilience?
What is the result of shame in organizations?
What is the result of shame in organizations?
What is the primary difference between shame and guilt?
What is the primary difference between shame and guilt?
What is the outcome of shame on an individual's belief in their ability to change?
What is the outcome of shame on an individual's belief in their ability to change?
What is the impact of shame on empathy?
What is the impact of shame on empathy?
What is one of the key aspects of empathy in social media?
What is one of the key aspects of empathy in social media?
Who was the first African American photographer to shoot the cover of Vogue?
Who was the first African American photographer to shoot the cover of Vogue?
What is the key to rumbling with vulnerability?
What is the key to rumbling with vulnerability?
Why do we judge others, according to research?
Why do we judge others, according to research?
What is crucial for empathy, shame resilience, and the ability to reset and rise after a fall?
What is crucial for empathy, shame resilience, and the ability to reset and rise after a fall?
What happens when we can't name and articulate our emotions?
What happens when we can't name and articulate our emotions?
What is necessary for understanding emotions in others and communicating our understanding of these emotions?
What is necessary for understanding emotions in others and communicating our understanding of these emotions?
What is the result of staying in judgment?
What is the result of staying in judgment?
What is essential for moving through our emotions?
What is essential for moving through our emotions?
What is the primary focus of delivering the news in a kind manner?
What is the primary focus of delivering the news in a kind manner?
According to Susan, what is a major obstacle to giving people a way out with dignity?
According to Susan, what is a major obstacle to giving people a way out with dignity?
What is the key to building confidence and reducing judgment?
What is the key to building confidence and reducing judgment?
What is a sign of a shame infestation in an organization?
What is a sign of a shame infestation in an organization?
What is the result of a culture that prioritizes reputation over human dignity?
What is the result of a culture that prioritizes reputation over human dignity?
What is the outcome of giving people permission to talk about shame?
What is the outcome of giving people permission to talk about shame?
What is a key aspect of developing shame resilience?
What is a key aspect of developing shame resilience?
Why is it important to give people a way out with dignity?
Why is it important to give people a way out with dignity?
What is the outcome of a culture that uses shame to keep people quiet?
What is the outcome of a culture that uses shame to keep people quiet?
What is the primary benefit of having real talk about shame?
What is the primary benefit of having real talk about shame?
What is the difference between shame resistance and shame resilience?
What is the difference between shame resistance and shame resilience?
What is the main reason why empathy decision trees do not work?
What is the main reason why empathy decision trees do not work?
Why did Suzanne not initiate a hug with the author at the airport?
Why did Suzanne not initiate a hug with the author at the airport?
What does Melinda Gates focus on in her philanthropic work?
What does Melinda Gates focus on in her philanthropic work?
What was the response of foundation employees after Melinda Gates admitted to keeping a list of dos and don'ts?
What was the response of foundation employees after Melinda Gates admitted to keeping a list of dos and don'ts?
What is the main aspect of empathy according to the author?
What is the main aspect of empathy according to the author?
Why is it important to maintain boundaries when showing empathy?
Why is it important to maintain boundaries when showing empathy?
What is the result of trying to fix someone's problem instead of showing empathy?
What is the result of trying to fix someone's problem instead of showing empathy?
What is the primary goal of empathy?
What is the primary goal of empathy?
Why is it important to engage with someone and stay curious when practicing empathy?
Why is it important to engage with someone and stay curious when practicing empathy?
What is the result of showing empathy to someone in pain?
What is the result of showing empathy to someone in pain?
What is shame resilience about?
What is shame resilience about?
What is the antidote to shame?
What is the antidote to shame?
What is the reason for the cancellation of the flight?
What is the reason for the cancellation of the flight?
Why is self-compassion important in shame resilience?
Why is self-compassion important in shame resilience?
What is Suzanne's characteristic that helps her get things done?
What is Suzanne's characteristic that helps her get things done?
Why is empathy important in shame resilience?
Why is empathy important in shame resilience?
What is the function of empathy in cultures?
What is the function of empathy in cultures?
What is the speaker's response when they realize they won't make it to the game on time?
What is the speaker's response when they realize they won't make it to the game on time?
What is Suzanne's approach to the speaker's emotional pain?
What is Suzanne's approach to the speaker's emotional pain?
What is the essential ingredient for teams who take risks and show up for rumbles?
What is the essential ingredient for teams who take risks and show up for rumbles?
What is easily confused with empathy?
What is easily confused with empathy?
What is the speaker's realization about empathy?
What is the speaker's realization about empathy?
What is the result of sharing our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding?
What is the result of sharing our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding?
Why is the speaker heartbroken about not being able to attend the game?
Why is the speaker heartbroken about not being able to attend the game?
What is Suzanne's response to the speaker's comparison of their situation to others?
What is Suzanne's response to the speaker's comparison of their situation to others?
What is the goal of adding empathy to our courage toolbox?
What is the goal of adding empathy to our courage toolbox?
What is the significance of the game and ceremony for the speaker?
What is the significance of the game and ceremony for the speaker?
What is the importance of understanding the barriers to empathy?
What is the importance of understanding the barriers to empathy?
What is the result of Suzanne's approach to the speaker's emotional pain?
What is the result of Suzanne's approach to the speaker's emotional pain?
What does the speaker learn from Suzanne's behavior?
What does the speaker learn from Suzanne's behavior?
What is the primary goal of perspective-taking in empathy?
What is the primary goal of perspective-taking in empathy?
Why is it important to respect diverse perspectives in a team or organization?
Why is it important to respect diverse perspectives in a team or organization?
What is a common mistake people make when trying to understand someone else's perspective?
What is a common mistake people make when trying to understand someone else's perspective?
What is the result of not including diverse perspectives in a team or organization?
What is the result of not including diverse perspectives in a team or organization?
What is the role of empirical evidence in understanding human emotions and behavior?
What is the role of empirical evidence in understanding human emotions and behavior?
What is the importance of teaching children perspective-taking skills?
What is the importance of teaching children perspective-taking skills?
What is the relationship between inclusivity and innovation?
What is the relationship between inclusivity and innovation?
What is the key aspect of acquiring perspective-taking skills as an adult?
What is the key aspect of acquiring perspective-taking skills as an adult?
What is the significance of Dr. Neff's research in the context of empathy?
What is the significance of Dr. Neff's research in the context of empathy?
What is the main challenge of perspective-taking in a culture where majority perspectives are dominant?
What is the main challenge of perspective-taking in a culture where majority perspectives are dominant?
What is the primary reason why people struggle to recognize and name emotions?
What is the primary reason why people struggle to recognize and name emotions?
What is the iceberg effect in the context of emotions?
What is the iceberg effect in the context of emotions?
What is the fifth element of empathy according to the author?
What is the fifth element of empathy according to the author?
Why is it important to recognize and name emotions in ourselves and others?
Why is it important to recognize and name emotions in ourselves and others?
What is the purpose of asking 'What I hear you saying is...' in a conversation?
What is the purpose of asking 'What I hear you saying is...' in a conversation?
Why do people often turn to anger or silence instead of expressing shame or grief?
Why do people often turn to anger or silence instead of expressing shame or grief?
What is the result of not being able to recognize and name emotions in ourselves and others?
What is the result of not being able to recognize and name emotions in ourselves and others?
What is the benefit of 'going there' and rumbling openly about emotions in a conversation?
What is the benefit of 'going there' and rumbling openly about emotions in a conversation?
Why is it important to circle back and course-correct when we misunderstand someone's emotions?
Why is it important to circle back and course-correct when we misunderstand someone's emotions?
What is the key aspect of communicating our understanding of someone's emotions?
What is the key aspect of communicating our understanding of someone's emotions?
What is the primary difference between empathy and sympathy?
What is the primary difference between empathy and sympathy?
What do the two words 'Me too' convey in a struggle?
What do the two words 'Me too' convey in a struggle?
What is the outcome of empathic failure?
What is the outcome of empathic failure?
What is the role of empathy in building connection?
What is the role of empathy in building connection?
What is the difference between climbing down into the hole with someone and jumping into the hole with them?
What is the difference between climbing down into the hole with someone and jumping into the hole with them?
How can we practice empathy?
How can we practice empathy?
What is the outcome of an empathic response?
What is the outcome of an empathic response?
What is the primary goal of empathy?
What is the primary goal of empathy?
What is the result of not having the right person to share with?
What is the result of not having the right person to share with?
What is the role of empathy in facilitating deep change?
What is the role of empathy in facilitating deep change?
Study Notes
Shame 101
- Shame is a universal and primitive human emotion that everyone experiences, except those who lack empathy and human connection.
- Shame is the fear of disconnection, which is the fear of being unworthy of connection, love, and belonging.
- Definition of shame: the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.
Shame vs. Guilt, Humiliation, and Embarrassment
- Shame: "I am bad" (focus on self)
- Guilt: "I did something bad" (focus on behavior)
- Humiliation: feeling degraded or belittled, but not internalized as shame
- Embarrassment: fleeting, doesn't define self, and can be funny
Shame at Work
- Shame can be hidden behind the walls of organizations, but can be detected by behavioral cues such as:
- Perfectionism
- Favoritism
- Gossiping
- Back-channeling
- Comparison
- Self-worth tied to productivity
- Harassment
- Discrimination
- Power over others
- Bullying
- Blaming
- Teasing
- Cover-ups
- Shame can be used as a management tool, which is detrimental to culture and innovation
How Shame Shows Up
- In schools, shame can be used to control students, leading to lifelong scars
- Comparison is a shame tool that stifles creativity and innovation
- Leaders have the power to influence people's self-worth, for better or worse
Firing with Dignity
- Giving people a way out with dignity is essential when firing employees
- Leaders should be kind, clear, respectful, and generous when delivering the news
- Firing with dignity is not about avoiding hard decisions, but about being tender in implementation
Shame Resilience
- Shame resistance is not possible, but shame resilience is teachable and within reach
- Shame resilience is the ability to practice authenticity, move through shame without sacrificing values, and come out with more courage, compassion, and connection
- Empathy is the real antidote to shame, and self-compassion is key to reaching out and connecting with others### Empathy and Connection
- Empathy is connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience, not the experience itself.
- Empathy is not about fixing, it's about connecting with someone in their darkness.
- Research has identified four attributes of empathy:
- Perspective taking: seeing the world as others see it.
- Being non-judgmental.
- Understanding another person's feelings.
- Communicating understanding of that person's feelings.
Empathy in Practice
- Suzanne showed empathy to the narrator by not minimizing their pain and choosing to reflect back their emotions.
- The narrator learned that empathy is not about making things better, it's about connecting.
- Empathy is a choice, and it's a vulnerable choice because it requires connecting with something in oneself that knows that feeling.
The Importance of Perspective Taking
- Perspective taking is about honoring people's perspectives as truth even when they're different from ours.
- We can't take off our own lenses and look through someone else's, but we can ask questions and respect their truth as a full truth.
- Inclusivity, innovation, and performance are positively correlated because diverse perspectives are included, respected, and valued.
Non-Judgmental Attitude
- Judging others often stems from our own shame and vulnerabilities.
- We judge in areas where we're most susceptible to shame, and we judge people who are doing worse than we are in those areas.
- Staying out of judgment means being aware of where we feel judgmental because it can lead to a vicious shame cycle.
Understanding and Communicating Emotions
- Understanding emotions in others and communicating our understanding of these emotions require us to be in touch with our own feelings.
- Emotional literacy is critical, and being fluent in the language of feelings is essential for empathy, shame resilience, and the ability to reset and rise after a fall.
- We need to be able to recognize and name at least thirty emotions in ourselves and others to be emotionally literate.
Communicating Empathy
- Communicating our understanding of someone's feelings can feel like a risk because we can get it wrong.
- When we show up with our whole hearts, pay attention, and stay curious, we can course-correct and have meaningful conversations.
- Rumbling openly about emotions and being willing to "go there" can build connection and alignment in conversations.### Understanding Emotions
- Shame and grief are hard to express, so we often turn to anger or silence
- It's easier to express anger than pain, and our culture is more accepting of anger
Empathy Skills
- Empathy is about connection and understanding
- I take the perspective of another person, staying out of judgment and trying to understand their emotions
- Communicate understanding of their emotions
Mindfulness
- Mindfulness is taking a balanced approach to negative emotions without suppressing or exaggerating them
- It requires not being over-identified with thoughts and feelings, avoiding negative reactivity
- Practice mindfulness by paying attention to conversations, feelings, body language, and the body language of others
What Empathy Looks Like
- Empathy is about connection and being connected
- There's no formula or empathy decision tree, as everyone's responses differ
- Connect, stay curious, and stay engaged to practice empathy
Empathy in Practice
- When struggling, we need to share with someone who embraces our strengths and struggles
- Finding the right person takes practice, and so does being that right person
- Empathy is about the right person, at the right time, on the right issues
Barriers to Empathy
- There are six known barriers to empathy, including empathic failure or miss
- Empathic miss can make us feel alone, exposed, and shameful
Empathy vs. Sympathy
- Empathy is feeling with people, while sympathy is feeling for them
- Empathy fuels connection, while sympathy drives disconnection
- "Me too" are powerful words that show empathy and understanding
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Description
This quiz explores the concept of shame, a universal human emotion. It discusses the importance of acknowledging and dealing with shame in a healthy way.
