Shame 101: Understanding Human Emotions
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Questions and Answers

What is a common way shame is used as a management tool?

  • Firing employees with dignity
  • Comparing employees' performances (correct)
  • Giving rewards to outstanding employees
  • Publicly reprimanding subordinates (correct)

    • What percentage of people interviewed recalled a school incident that was so shaming it changed how they thought of themselves as learners?

  • 90 percent
  • 70 percent
  • 80 percent
  • 85 percent (correct)

    • What is a key factor in stifling creativity and innovation?

  • Comparison (correct)
  • Fair rewards
  • Positive feedback
  • Public recognition

    • What percentage of people interviewed could name a teacher or administrator who helped them believe in themselves?

    <p>90 percent</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What does 'giving someone a way out with dignity' entail?

    <p>Considering their feelings and well-being</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is a sign that shame has become an outright management tool?

    <p>Leaders bullying others</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is a common outcome of shame in a culture?

    <p>Decreased morale</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is a characteristic of a 'crent/vify scar'?

    <p>A shaming incident that affects self-worth</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is a key aspect of firing someone with dignity?

    <p>Considering the individual's feelings</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is a common behavior in cultures where shame permeates?

    <p>Favoritism</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the primary difference between shame and guilt according to researchers and clinicians?

    <p>Shame is about who you are, while guilt is about what you do</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of confusing shame and guilt?

    <p>Severe consequences</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the driving force behind narcissistic behavior according to the author?

    <p>A fear of being ordinary</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the ultimate goal of talking about shame?

    <p>To get out from under its power</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the common misconception about shame in the context of unethical behavior?

    <p>Shame is the absence of conscience</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the universal aspect of shame?

    <p>It's an unbearable pain</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the reason shame is difficult to talk about?

    <p>Because it derives its power from being unspoken</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the relationship between shame and fear in the context of unethical behavior?

    <p>Shame and fear are often the driving forces behind unethical behavior</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the primary way to overcome shame?

    <p>By talking about it</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of shame on an individual's self-worth?

    <p>It diminishes self-worth</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the only exception to experiencing shame?

    <p>Those who lack the capacity for empathy and human connection</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the primary fear associated with shame?

    <p>Fear of disconnection</p> Signup and view all the answers

    According to the research, what is the definition of shame?

    <p>The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What are the two tapes that shame drives, according to the text?

    <p>Never good enough and Who do you think you are?</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of armoring and contorting ourselves into smallness due to shame?

    <p>Things break and we suffocate</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the primary motivation for people to talk about shame?

    <p>To alleviate the discomfort and control shame has over their lives</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the primary purpose of human connection, according to the text?

    <p>To give and receive love and belonging</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the seductive response to shame, according to the text?

    <p>Retreating into our smallness</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the main purpose of empathy according to the author?

    <p>To connect with the emotions of the other person</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why did the author's friend Steve listen on the phone call without saying much?

    <p>Because he wanted to show empathy and let the author express their emotions</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of trying to fix someone's problem instead of showing empathy?

    <p>Both people get stuck in the problem</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why is it important to maintain boundaries when showing empathy?

    <p>So we don't take on the other person's emotions</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What did the author's friend Ellen text in response to the author's cancelled flight?

    <p>That's what counts</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What did Suzanne do to show empathy to the author on the flights home?

    <p>She squeezed the author's hand and said 'I know'</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is empathy, according to the author?

    <p>Connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of showing empathy to someone in pain?

    <p>Connection is what heals</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why did the author's friend Steve not try to fix the problem on the phone call?

    <p>He knew empathy is not about fixing, but being with someone in their darkness</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What did the woman working at the Life Is Good airport shop do to show kindness?

    <p>She let the author sit on the floor and hide for thirty minutes</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the primary outcome of shame, according to the content?

    <p>Destructive, hurtful, immoral, and self-aggrandizing behavior</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the driving force behind making amends or changing behavior that doesn't align with our values?

    <p>Guilt</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the difference between shame and humiliation, according to Donald Klein?

    <p>People believe they deserve their shame, but not their humiliation</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the hallmark of embarrassment, according to the content?

    <p>We know others have done the same thing and it will pass</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why is shame particularly dangerous?

    <p>Because where shame exists, empathy is almost always absent</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the core of shame resilience?

    <p>Emotional literacy</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of shame in organizations?

    <p>Destruction of innovation, trust, connection, and culture</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the primary difference between shame and guilt?

    <p>Shame is internalized, while guilt is external</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the outcome of shame on an individual's belief in their ability to change?

    <p>It corrodes their belief in their ability to change</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the impact of shame on empathy?

    <p>Where shame exists, empathy is almost always absent</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is one of the key aspects of empathy in social media?

    <p>Everyone has a chance to paint the world from their own perspective</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Who was the first African American photographer to shoot the cover of Vogue?

    <p>Tyler Mitchell</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the key to rumbling with vulnerability?

    <p>Curiosity</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why do we judge others, according to research?

    <p>Because we are more susceptible to shame in those areas</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is crucial for empathy, shame resilience, and the ability to reset and rise after a fall?

    <p>Emotional literacy</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What happens when we can't name and articulate our emotions?

    <p>We can't move through our emotions</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is necessary for understanding emotions in others and communicating our understanding of these emotions?

    <p>Being fluent in the language of feelings</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of staying in judgment?

    <p>Shame and a vicious cycle</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is essential for moving through our emotions?

    <p>Emotional literacy</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the primary focus of delivering the news in a kind manner?

    <p>To know that we all have hearts that can be hurt</p> Signup and view all the answers

    According to Susan, what is a major obstacle to giving people a way out with dignity?

    <p>Armoring up and getting defensive</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the key to building confidence and reducing judgment?

    <p>Building self-worth and grounded confidence</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is a sign of a shame infestation in an organization?

    <p>A culture of complicity and shame</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of a culture that prioritizes reputation over human dignity?

    <p>Shame is systemic and complicity is part of the culture</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the outcome of giving people permission to talk about shame?

    <p>It shines a light in a dark corner and builds trust</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is a key aspect of developing shame resilience?

    <p>Normalizing shame and building trust</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why is it important to give people a way out with dignity?

    <p>To respect the human dignity of individuals</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the outcome of a culture that uses shame to keep people quiet?

    <p>A trail of devastation and pain</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the primary benefit of having real talk about shame?

    <p>It points the way to desired new behaviors and culture shifts</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the difference between shame resistance and shame resilience?

    <p>Shame resistance is not possible, but shame resilience is</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the main reason why empathy decision trees do not work?

    <p>Because people are different</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why did Suzanne not initiate a hug with the author at the airport?

    <p>Because she knew the author needed some space</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What does Melinda Gates focus on in her philanthropic work?

    <p>Gender equity</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What was the response of foundation employees after Melinda Gates admitted to keeping a list of dos and don'ts?

    <p>They admired her vulnerability and felt more connected to her</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the main aspect of empathy according to the author?

    <p>Being connected with someone in their struggle</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why is it important to maintain boundaries when showing empathy?

    <p>To avoid emotional exhaustion</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of trying to fix someone's problem instead of showing empathy?

    <p>The person feels frustrated and unheard</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the primary goal of empathy?

    <p>To provide emotional support and connection</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why is it important to engage with someone and stay curious when practicing empathy?

    <p>To understand the person's emotions and needs</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of showing empathy to someone in pain?

    <p>They feel heard and understood</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is shame resilience about?

    <p>Moving from shame to empathy</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the antidote to shame?

    <p>Empathy</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the reason for the cancellation of the flight?

    <p>Mechanical reasons</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why is self-compassion important in shame resilience?

    <p>It helps us be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is Suzanne's characteristic that helps her get things done?

    <p>Her ability to get things done quickly</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why is empathy important in shame resilience?

    <p>It's a social concept that happens between people</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the function of empathy in cultures?

    <p>To build trust and connection</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the speaker's response when they realize they won't make it to the game on time?

    <p>They start sobbing</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is Suzanne's approach to the speaker's emotional pain?

    <p>She reflects back the truth of how the speaker is feeling</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the essential ingredient for teams who take risks and show up for rumbles?

    <p>Empathy</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is easily confused with empathy?

    <p>Sympathy and giving advice</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the speaker's realization about empathy?

    <p>Empathy is infinite and renewable</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of sharing our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding?

    <p>Shame can't survive</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why is the speaker heartbroken about not being able to attend the game?

    <p>Because it's a big deal and they want to be there for their daughter</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is Suzanne's response to the speaker's comparison of their situation to others?

    <p>She refuses to engage in comparative suffering</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the goal of adding empathy to our courage toolbox?

    <p>To translate empathy into specific skills</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the significance of the game and ceremony for the speaker?

    <p>It's the first of many formal goodbyes to high school</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the importance of understanding the barriers to empathy?

    <p>To understand the big barriers to empathy</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of Suzanne's approach to the speaker's emotional pain?

    <p>The speaker feels heard and understood</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What does the speaker learn from Suzanne's behavior?

    <p>That empathy is infinite and renewable</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the primary goal of perspective-taking in empathy?

    <p>To honor people's perspectives as truth even when they're different from yours</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why is it important to respect diverse perspectives in a team or organization?

    <p>To create a culture of inclusivity and innovation</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is a common mistake people make when trying to understand someone else's perspective?

    <p>Believing they can take off their own lenses and look through the lenses of someone else</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of not including diverse perspectives in a team or organization?

    <p>Hiring and casting the same people repeatedly</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the role of empirical evidence in understanding human emotions and behavior?

    <p>It offers insights into the complexity of human emotions and behavior</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the importance of teaching children perspective-taking skills?

    <p>It allows them to understand and respect different viewpoints</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the relationship between inclusivity and innovation?

    <p>Inclusivity has a positive correlation with innovation and creativity</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the key aspect of acquiring perspective-taking skills as an adult?

    <p>It requires becoming the learner, not the knower</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the significance of Dr. Neff's research in the context of empathy?

    <p>It adds a fifth attribute to the understanding of empathy</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the main challenge of perspective-taking in a culture where majority perspectives are dominant?

    <p>It requires unlearning the dominant perspective and becoming open to other lenses</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the primary reason why people struggle to recognize and name emotions?

    <p>They are unable to differentiate between various emotions</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the iceberg effect in the context of emotions?

    <p>The tendency to suppress emotions beneath the surface</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the fifth element of empathy according to the author?

    <p>Paying attention</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why is it important to recognize and name emotions in ourselves and others?

    <p>To build trust and connection</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the purpose of asking 'What I hear you saying is...' in a conversation?

    <p>To clarify understanding</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why do people often turn to anger or silence instead of expressing shame or grief?

    <p>Because our culture is more accepting of anger</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of not being able to recognize and name emotions in ourselves and others?

    <p>Difficulty in getting back on our feet after a fall</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the benefit of 'going there' and rumbling openly about emotions in a conversation?

    <p>It builds trust and connection</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why is it important to circle back and course-correct when we misunderstand someone's emotions?

    <p>To maintain a connection</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the key aspect of communicating our understanding of someone's emotions?

    <p>To have the courage to circle back and course-correct</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the primary difference between empathy and sympathy?

    <p>Feeling with people versus feeling for them</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What do the two words 'Me too' convey in a struggle?

    <p>I know what it's like down here, and you're not alone</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the outcome of empathic failure?

    <p>A sense of shame and disconnection</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the role of empathy in building connection?

    <p>Empathy fuels connection and builds trust</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the difference between climbing down into the hole with someone and jumping into the hole with them?

    <p>Climbing down is enmeshment, while jumping in is empathy</p> Signup and view all the answers

    How can we practice empathy?

    <p>By being present and listening to others without judgment</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the outcome of an empathic response?

    <p>The person feels heard, seen, and understood</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the primary goal of empathy?

    <p>To understand the person's perspective and feel with them</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of not having the right person to share with?

    <p>A feeling of disconnection and loneliness</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the role of empathy in facilitating deep change?

    <p>Empathy fuels deep change and creates courage</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Study Notes

    Shame 101

    • Shame is a universal and primitive human emotion that everyone experiences, except those who lack empathy and human connection.
    • Shame is the fear of disconnection, which is the fear of being unworthy of connection, love, and belonging.
    • Definition of shame: the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.

    Shame vs. Guilt, Humiliation, and Embarrassment

    • Shame: "I am bad" (focus on self)
    • Guilt: "I did something bad" (focus on behavior)
    • Humiliation: feeling degraded or belittled, but not internalized as shame
    • Embarrassment: fleeting, doesn't define self, and can be funny

    Shame at Work

    • Shame can be hidden behind the walls of organizations, but can be detected by behavioral cues such as:
      • Perfectionism
      • Favoritism
      • Gossiping
      • Back-channeling
      • Comparison
      • Self-worth tied to productivity
      • Harassment
      • Discrimination
      • Power over others
      • Bullying
      • Blaming
      • Teasing
      • Cover-ups
    • Shame can be used as a management tool, which is detrimental to culture and innovation

    How Shame Shows Up

    • In schools, shame can be used to control students, leading to lifelong scars
    • Comparison is a shame tool that stifles creativity and innovation
    • Leaders have the power to influence people's self-worth, for better or worse

    Firing with Dignity

    • Giving people a way out with dignity is essential when firing employees
    • Leaders should be kind, clear, respectful, and generous when delivering the news
    • Firing with dignity is not about avoiding hard decisions, but about being tender in implementation

    Shame Resilience

    • Shame resistance is not possible, but shame resilience is teachable and within reach
    • Shame resilience is the ability to practice authenticity, move through shame without sacrificing values, and come out with more courage, compassion, and connection
    • Empathy is the real antidote to shame, and self-compassion is key to reaching out and connecting with others### Empathy and Connection
    • Empathy is connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience, not the experience itself.
    • Empathy is not about fixing, it's about connecting with someone in their darkness.
    • Research has identified four attributes of empathy:
    • Perspective taking: seeing the world as others see it.
    • Being non-judgmental.
    • Understanding another person's feelings.
    • Communicating understanding of that person's feelings.

    Empathy in Practice

    • Suzanne showed empathy to the narrator by not minimizing their pain and choosing to reflect back their emotions.
    • The narrator learned that empathy is not about making things better, it's about connecting.
    • Empathy is a choice, and it's a vulnerable choice because it requires connecting with something in oneself that knows that feeling.

    The Importance of Perspective Taking

    • Perspective taking is about honoring people's perspectives as truth even when they're different from ours.
    • We can't take off our own lenses and look through someone else's, but we can ask questions and respect their truth as a full truth.
    • Inclusivity, innovation, and performance are positively correlated because diverse perspectives are included, respected, and valued.

    Non-Judgmental Attitude

    • Judging others often stems from our own shame and vulnerabilities.
    • We judge in areas where we're most susceptible to shame, and we judge people who are doing worse than we are in those areas.
    • Staying out of judgment means being aware of where we feel judgmental because it can lead to a vicious shame cycle.

    Understanding and Communicating Emotions

    • Understanding emotions in others and communicating our understanding of these emotions require us to be in touch with our own feelings.
    • Emotional literacy is critical, and being fluent in the language of feelings is essential for empathy, shame resilience, and the ability to reset and rise after a fall.
    • We need to be able to recognize and name at least thirty emotions in ourselves and others to be emotionally literate.

    Communicating Empathy

    • Communicating our understanding of someone's feelings can feel like a risk because we can get it wrong.
    • When we show up with our whole hearts, pay attention, and stay curious, we can course-correct and have meaningful conversations.
    • Rumbling openly about emotions and being willing to "go there" can build connection and alignment in conversations.### Understanding Emotions
    • Shame and grief are hard to express, so we often turn to anger or silence
    • It's easier to express anger than pain, and our culture is more accepting of anger

    Empathy Skills

    • Empathy is about connection and understanding
    • I take the perspective of another person, staying out of judgment and trying to understand their emotions
    • Communicate understanding of their emotions

    Mindfulness

    • Mindfulness is taking a balanced approach to negative emotions without suppressing or exaggerating them
    • It requires not being over-identified with thoughts and feelings, avoiding negative reactivity
    • Practice mindfulness by paying attention to conversations, feelings, body language, and the body language of others

    What Empathy Looks Like

    • Empathy is about connection and being connected
    • There's no formula or empathy decision tree, as everyone's responses differ
    • Connect, stay curious, and stay engaged to practice empathy

    Empathy in Practice

    • When struggling, we need to share with someone who embraces our strengths and struggles
    • Finding the right person takes practice, and so does being that right person
    • Empathy is about the right person, at the right time, on the right issues

    Barriers to Empathy

    • There are six known barriers to empathy, including empathic failure or miss
    • Empathic miss can make us feel alone, exposed, and shameful

    Empathy vs. Sympathy

    • Empathy is feeling with people, while sympathy is feeling for them
    • Empathy fuels connection, while sympathy drives disconnection
    • "Me too" are powerful words that show empathy and understanding

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    Description

    This quiz explores the concept of shame, a universal human emotion. It discusses the importance of acknowledging and dealing with shame in a healthy way.

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