Relational Value: Inclusion and Exclusion

Relational Value

• Relational value is the extent to which others value and consider their relationships with someone.
• High relational value leads to feeling accepted and appreciated.
• Low relational value can make people feel unwanted.

Inclusion and Exclusion

• Maximal inclusion involves others eagerly seeking someone's company, which is rare.
• Active inclusion means others welcome someone and consider them important.
• Passive inclusion means others are welcoming but prioritize someone low.
• Ambivalence means others don't care whether someone is included.
• Passive exclusion involves others ignoring someone but not avoiding them.
• Active exclusion involves others ignoring and avoiding someone.
• Maximal exclusion involves others ordering someone to leave.
• Exclusion is most painful when someone desires acceptance from others who deem them inept or inadequate.
• Unrequited love occurs when someone desires acceptance but it is not reciprocated.
• Feeling hurt arises when someone's relational value is lower than they expect or desire.
• Mild rejections can feel as severe as extreme rejections.
• A decrease in acceptance can be more painful than outright rejection.
• Relational devaluation is the decline in others' regard or acceptance, leading to feelings of hurt, sadness, and anger.

Pain

• Emotional pain and rejection activate the same brain areas as physical pain.
• Acetaminophen may alleviate social rejection pain similarly to how it alleviates headaches.
• Individuals with high anxiety about abandonment experience more hurt from relational devaluation.
• Individuals with high avoidance of intimacy experience less pain from exclusion.
• People with low self-esteem are more easily hurt and self-esteem predicts responses to rejection.

Ostracism

• Ostracism, or the "silent treatment," involves ignoring someone.
• Ostracism is used to punish, avoid confrontation, or cool off.
• Victims of ostracism often do not understand why they are being ignored.
• Ostracism is perceived as damaging to relationships.
• Ostracism threatens the need to belong, damages self-worth, and reduces perceived control.
• Ostracism causes confusion and unhappiness and is considered dehumanizing
• Ostracism can lead to stress, indicated by increased cortisol levels.
• After ostracism, some try to repair the relationship, while others seek new connections.
• Ostracism can lead to aggression.
• High self-esteem may lead to ending relationships after ostracism.
• Low self-esteem can lead to holding grudges and ostracizing others.

Jealousy

• Jealousy arises when someone feels threatened by the potential loss of something they value.
• Jealousy involves feelings of hurt, anger, and fear.
• Reactive jealousy occurs when there is a realistic threat to a valued relationship.
• Suspicious jealousy arises without a clear, realistic threat due to insecurity or anxiety.
• Reactive jealousy stems from a real threat, while suspicious jealousy stems from unfounded concerns.
• Dependency increases jealousy as does a feeling of inadequacy.
• High self-esteem decreases jealousy.
• The less desirable partner is more prone to jealousy.
• Preoccupied people are more prone to jealousy.
• Dismissing people are not prone to jealousy.
• High negative emotionality increases jealousy.

Personality and Jealousy

• Agreeable people are less prone to jealousy.
• People with dark triad traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy) are more jealous.
• Narcissists and Machiavellians are likely to cheat.
• Psychopaths may intentionally make their partners jealous.

Jealousy - Evolutionary Perspective

• Jealousy evolved to protect close relationships.
• Jealousy provides reproductive advantages.
• Paternity uncertainty leads men to be more jealous of sexual infidelity.
• Women react more to the threat of emotional infidelity.
• Secure and preoccupied people express their concerns and try to repair their relationships.
• Fearful and dismissing people avoid the issue.
• Women improve themselves to fight for their relationship.
• Men protect their egos, threaten rivals, and may leave the relationship.

Coping with Jealousy

• Reduce irrational thinking and enhance self-esteem to cope with jealousy.
• Improve communication and clarify expectations.
• Establish limits and increase relationship satisfaction.

Deception and Lying

• Deception is intentional behavior that creates a false impression.
• Concealing information involves omitting details.
• Diverting attention involves changing topics.
• Half-truths involve stating something partially true while omitting key details.
• Lies involve intentionally providing false information.
• Most lies are self-serving.
• Men lie about income and ambition.
• Women lie about orgasms.
• Lies often protect others' feelings.
• Victims of lies are greatly affected.
• Insecure attachment styles increase lying.
• Motivation, guilt, and fear influence lying.
• Lies are shorter and less detailed than truths.
• Spotting inconsistency is the only way to know someone is lying.
• Lairs distrust the receiver of lies.
• Truth bias is assuming a partner is truthful.
• Lying affects relationships even if undetected.

Betrayal

• Betrayal involves hurtful actions by trusted individuals.
• Betrayal includes sexual and emotional infidelity.
• Other forms of betrayal are revealing secrets, gossiping, and breaking promises.
• Caring and trust are important in intimacy, which makes betrayal hurtful.
• Older, better-educated, and religious people are less likely to betray.
• Men betray romantic partners and business associates more.
• Women betray friends and family more.
• Betrayal lowers relationship satisfaction.
• Revenge is not advisable.

Forgiveness

• Forgiveness involves giving up the right to get even.
• Forgiveness involves giving up a grudge and a willingness to exit from a cycle of abuse.
• High anxiety and avoidance of intimacy decrease forgiveness.
• Secure and agreeable people are more forgiving.
• High negative emotionality decreases forgiveness.
• High self-control promotes forgiveness.
• Contrition facilitates forgiveness.
• A desire to continue the relationship increases forgiveness.
• Revenge does not promote better behavior, but forgiveness can.
• Forgiveness reduces hurt, pain, anger, and blood pressure.