Chapter 10

Relational Value

• Relational value is the degree to which others consider their relationships with someone to be valuable and important.
• It is painful when relational value is lower than expected.
• High relational value leads to feeling accepted, respected, and appreciated.
• Low relational value leads to feeling unwanted.

Inclusion and Exclusion

• Maximal inclusion means others are eager to be with someone which is rare.
• Active inclusion means that others want and welcome someone
• Passive inclusion means others are welcoming but someone is a low priority.
• Ambivalence means others do not care whether someone is included or not.
• Passive exclusion means others ignore someone, but do not avoid them.
• Active exclusion means others ignore and avoid someone.
• Maximal exclusion means others order someone to leave.
• Reactions to inclusion or exclusion depend on the desire to be accepted and the meaning of acceptance or rejection.
• Exclusion is most painful when desiring acceptance, especially when deemed inept, insufficient, or inadequate.
• Unrequited love occurs when someone likes others and wants their acceptance, but the feeling isn't mutual.
• Feeling hurt arises when relational value is lower than desired.
• Mild rejections can feel as bad as extreme rejections, including decreases in acceptance in the range of ambivalence to active inclusion.
• Relational devaluation is the decrease in others' regard or acceptance, leading to feelings of hurt, sadness, and anger.

Emotional Pain

• Emotional pain and rejection activate similar brain areas as physical pain.
• Acetaminophen can reduce the pain of social rejection, similarly to how it alleviates headaches.
• Attachment style influences reactions to emotional pain or relational devaluation.
• High anxiety about abandonment leads to increased hurt.
• High avoidance of intimacy results in less pain from exclusion.
• Lower self-esteem increases the ease of experiencing hurt feelings, self-esteem predicts reactions to potential rejection.

Ostracism

• Ostracism is being ignored, also known as the silent treatment, which can be used to punish, avoid confrontation, or cool off.
• Victims of ostracism often don't understand why it is happening.
• Ostracism damages relationships, threatens social needs like belonging and self-worth, and reduces perceived control.
• Ostracism is dehumanizing and causes confusion and unhappiness.
• Victims exhibit signs of stress, such as increased cortisol and a distorted perception of time.
• Responses to ostracism include working on the relationship or seeking new partners or friends.
• Ostracism can lead to aggression.
• Sensitivity exists to even slight hints of social rejection.
• High self-esteem individuals may end relationships and seek new partners after experiencing ostracism.
• Low self-esteem individuals may hold grudges and ostracize others in return.

Jealousy

• Jealousy is a complex emotion arising from the perceived threat of losing something valued, such as a relationship, attention, or affection, and involves feelings of hurt, anger, and fear.
• Reactive jealousy occurs from a realistic threat to a valued relationship, like infidelity.
• Suspicious jealousy arises without a clear threat, driven by unfounded worries and insecurities, causing vigilance and mistrust.
• Reactive jealousy stems from actual or potential betrayal.
• Suspicious jealousy stems from unfounded insecurities, causing anxiety.
• There is no difference between men and women, the differences exist between individuals
• Dependency, low alternatives, inadequacy, low self-esteem, and being less desirable increase jealousy.
• High self-esteem and certainty reduces the chance of jealousy
• Preoccupied attachment increases jealousy.
• Dismissing attachment decreases jealousy.
• High negative emotionality increases jealousy.
• Agreeable people are not prone to jealousy because they are cooperative
• Dark Triad Traits: Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy increase jealousy

Evolutionary Perspective on Jealousy

• Jealousy evolved to protect close relationships.
• It motivates behaviors like fending off rivals, satisfying partners, and maintaining relationships.
• It offered reproductive advantages, and is a natural, ingrained reaction.
• Men experience paternity uncertainty, unlike women.
• Men are more jealous of sexual infidelity; women react more to emotional infidelity.

Responses to Jealousy

• Secure individuals express concerns and try to repair the relationship.
• Preoccupied individuals express concerns and try to repair the relationship.
• Fearful and dismissing individuals avoid the issue or deny distress.
• Women improve themselves for their men and fight for the relationship.
• Men protect their egos, threaten rivals, pursue other women, and may end the relationship.

Coping with Jealousy

• Reduce irrational thinking.
• Enhance self-esteem.
• Improve communication.
• Agree on limits.
• Increase satisfaction and fairness.

Deception and Lying

• Deception is intentional behavior creating a untrue impression.
• Concealing information omits details that communicate the truth.
• Diverting attention changes topics abruptly.
• Half-truths are statements that mix truth with omissions.
• Lies are intentionally false information to deceive, manipulate, protect oneself, or avoid consequences.
• Most lies serve the liar by warding off embarrassment, guilt, or obligation, or seeking approval or marital gain.
• Men lie about income and ambition, while women lie about orgasms.
• Most lies protect others feelings or advance their interests.
• Lies occur when brutal honesty would be harmful.
• Liars often underestimate the effect of their lies.
• Insecure attachment styles are associated with more lying.
• Lying depends on motivation, guilt, and fear.
• Lies are shorter and less detailed.
• Detecting lies relies on inconsistencies in communication style.
• Deceivers often distrust others, projecting their dishonesty.
• Truth bias is assuming a partner is truthful, which can lead to missing lies.
• Every lie affects relationships.

Betrayal

• Betrayal constitutes disagreeable, hurtful actions by trusted individuals that cause harm.
• Betrayal includes sexual infidelity, emotional infidelity, revealing secrets, gossip, and breaking promises.
• Caring and trust are hurt by stresses and strains
• Betrayal is less frequent in older, educated, and religious people.
• Men betray partners and businesses more, women betray friends and family more.
• Betrayal lowers relationship satisfaction.
• Revenge is not advisable because it proves less satisfying than anticipated and perpetuate a cycle.
• Those high in negative emotionality are more likely to seek revenge.

Forgiveness

• Forgiveness is abandoning the right to seek revenge, giving up grudges, not condoning actions and communicating willingness to move past a hurt
• High anxiety and high avoidance of intimacy individuals forgive less easily.
• Secure and agreeable individuals forgive more easily.
• High negativity and low self-control hinder forgiveness.
• Forgiveness occurs with contrition, a desire to continue the relationship, and genuine remorse.
• Revenge fails to improve behavior, while forgiveness can, reduces pain, replaces anger, and lowers blood pressure.