Living in Two Worlds: Self-Preoccupation

Chapter 2: Living in Two Worlds

• Humans exist in two worlds, the external (reality) and internal (thoughts)
• Self-talk can affect how experiences are perceived

Self-Preoccupation

• Self-preoccupation is constant self-focus that pulls individuals out of the present
• Can cause daydreaming and missing parts of lectures
• Self-preoccupation hurts memory, such as the next-in-line effect during presentations
• Self-preoccupation increases test anxiety, and crowds out learned material
• Self-preoccupation causes overthinking automatic actions, leading to choking under pressure such as in sports or public speaking

Butler & Baumeister (1998) Video Game Study

• Performance was observed with either a supportive or neutral audience
• Supportive audiences increased pressure, resulting in worse performance despite feeling better about the experience
• High private self-consciousness (thinking about yourself a lot) was linked to worse performance

Home-Field Disadvantage

• Performance drops during final games at home as a result of pressure and increased self-awareness

Intuition & Insight

• Intuition is automatic, unconscious processing
• Intuition is sometimes ignored due to overthinking
• Wilson & Schooler (1991) found people who thought too hard about jam rankings did worse than those who used gut feeling

Problems with Preoccupation

• Preoccupation affects sleep (insomnia) and sex (dissatisfaction due to overthinking)

Flow & Spontaneity

• Flow is deep focus; spontaneity is acting naturally
• Getting lost in painting or playing music is an example
• Meditation helps by quieting self-talk and relaxing the mind/body

Chapter 3: Through the Eyes of the Ego

• The ego affects how people view themselves and the world, leading to biased, inflated views

Better-Than-Average Effect

• Individuals rate themselves as better than others
• This applies to traits like kindness, intelligence, and driving
• An example is thinking you're more ethical than the average person

Optimistic Bias

• People believe bad things are less likely to happen to them
• An example is thinking you're less likely to get divorced or have an accident

Alicke et al. (1995, 1997)

• Comparing ourselves to individuals rather than the average person reduces bias
• If someone outperforms us, we assume they must be really superior

Mere Ownership Effect

• People like things more just because they own them
• This applies to pets, items, names, etc
• Thinking your dog is more loyal than other pets is an example

Pelham et al. (2002)

• There can be implicit self-esteem biases where people live and work
• People named Dennis are more likely to be dentists

Judging Others

• People judge less harshly when something is shared
• If you share a birthday with a bad person, you view them more positively

False Consensus Effect

• Believing others agree with you more than they do
• Common with negative behaviors such as thinking everyone lies on their taxes

False Uniqueness Effect

• Believing good traits are rare
• Thinking your intelligence or taste is one of a kind is an example

Bias Blind Spot

• Believing that you're less biased than others
• Others are delusional, you're just rational might be a thought

Meta-Bias

• Thinking one is unbiased causes problems in relationships
• People overestimate what they can teach and underestimate what they can learn

Cost of Distortion

• Downsides of biases include harming relationships, leading to unrealistic goals, or preventing growth

Upsides of Positive Illusions (Taylor & Brown)

• Reduces stress, increases happiness, and improves motivation and persistence
• Enhances relationships by projecting a good view of ourselves onto others

Cultural Differences

• Western cultures show more self-enhancement
• Collectivist cultures show modesty but still try to maintain a positive self-image

Chapter 4: Making Ourselves Miserable

• The self is often the root of emotional pain

Self-Imaginings

• Imagining bad future scenarios or what-ifs
• An example is worrying about losing a job that hasnt happened

Undesired Present

• Being unhappy with your current reality
• An example is wishing you were at a party instead of studying

Threats to the Ego

• Feeling attacked when our ideas or self-image are questioned
• Can feel like physical pain

Imagining Significant Others

• Loved ones' actions affect us
• Jealousy, pride, and shame stem from the behavior of others

Tessers Self-Evaluation Maintenance Model

• Feeling bad when close others do well in something that is cared about
• If a partner does better on a shared goal, it is a threat

What To Do About It

• Change what domain matters
• Say we dont care anymore
• Reduce closeness
• Work together as a team to reframe it

Self-Conscious Emotions

• Emotions that arise from awareness of others judgment
• Includes social anxiety, guilt, pride, shame, and envy

Attribution & Emotions

• Depression depends on whether we blame ourselves or the situation
  • Behavioral self-blame yields better outcomes than characterologic
• Guilt is when an individual did something bad (action-focused)
• Shame is when an individual is bad (self-focused)
• Secondary emotions are feeling bad about feeling bad

How to Improve

• Reframe self-talk
• Use cognitive therapy
• Practice Buddhist or Taoist mindfulness

Chapter 5: When Selves Collide

• Relationships are part of who we are
• People include others in their self-concept

Self-Concept

• Includes social roles and relationships

Inclusion of Other in the Self (IOS)

• People take on traits, goals, and identities of close others

How to Measure IOS

• Match-Mismatch Reaction Times (Aron et al., 1991): Faster responses to traits that match between self and partner
• IOS Scale: Visual circles show how close two people are

Confusion in Memory

• People confuse traits of themselves and their partners, showing overlap

IOS with Brands

• People rate brands (like Apple) similarly to how they describe themselves
• Overlap leads to faster me/not me judgments

Correlations with IOS

• Higher IOS = more satisfaction, empathy, and commitment
• More "we" words mean longer relationships

Dangers of Extreme IOS

• Losing self-identity if the person leaves
• Giving them control over your emotions

Self-Expansion Theory (Aron & Aron, 1986)

• People want to grow, and relationships help us do that
• Measured by the Self-Expansion Questionnaire (SEQ)
• Self-descriptions become more diverse when people fall in love

Activities that Encourage Self-Expansion

• Novel and challenging tasks (e.g., obstacle courses) increase bonding
• These activities help prevent boredom and improve satisfaction

Long-Term Benefits

• Couples who do self-expanding activities show better satisfaction years later (Aron & Orbuch, 2009)

Other Contexts

• Work: Learning new things increases job satisfaction
• Fiction: Relating to a character helps us grow mentally

Conclusion

• The self is powerful and shapes how we think, feel, and connect
• Too much focus on ourselves creates anxiety, jealousy, and depression
• People grow best through strong, healthy relationships and mindful self-awareness