Biblical Marriage Counseling Primer

A Theological Primer for Biblical Marriage Counseling

• This primer is for biblical marriage counseling.
• The author uses examples of couples, Travis and Britney, who have been married for over a dozen years.
• They have struggled with communication and understanding each other.

Marriage God's Way

• Couples fight because they miscommunicate.
• Couples fight because they misunderstand each other's roles and responsibilities.
• Biblical counseling for married couples involves a solution focused or soul-u-tion focused approach.
• Biblical communication principles and a biblical understanding of marital roles can be misused in self-centered ways.

Maturing as a Biblical Marriage Counselor

• Two common diagnoses of couples' marriage problems are:
  • We fight because we miscommunicate with each other.
  • We fight because we misunderstand each other.
• The author provides diagnosis and treatment solutions for the problems.
• Counselors can help couples discover the root cause of their problems and teach them how to apply biblical principles correctly.
• Self-centered marital goals versus gospel-centered marital goals need to be examined carefully by counselors for effective biblical counseling.

Seeing the Gospel-Centered Marital Foundation in Ephesians

• Ephesians 1:1–23 discusses glorifying God as the foremost goal of marriage
• Ephesians 2:1–3 discusses our total depravity and the need for God's grace in marriage
• Ephesians 5:21–33 is often the main passage that marriage counselors explore, but a deeper understanding of marriage comes from Ephesians 1–2 and following

Fall—Our Core Problem in Marriage

• Marital heart disease: Problems in the home begin with the problems in our heart.

Grace from God for Salvation and Sanctification

• For marital healing and growth, couples need a gospel-centered approach to view marriage.
• Grace is what is needed for biblical marriage, not self-improvement.
• Grace is the necessary foundation for salvation and sanctification in marriage.

God's Ultimate Purpose of Marriage: Glorifying God

• The ultimate purpose of marriage is to glorify God.
• Marriage can become a testament to the glory of God's grace.
• The Bible shows 3 ways that marriage glorifies God:
  • Representing Trinity.
  • Reflecting Christ and the church
  • Nurturing each other to be more like Christ

Oneness in Marriage Pillar #1: Leaving

• The couple should shift their core loyalty from parent to spouse.
• Leaving implies disengagement from previous allegiances and a mutual devotion toward each other

Oneness in Marriage Pillar #2: Cleaving

• The Hebrew word "united" implies permanence and continuous attachment.
• Cleaving emphasizes the commitment and bond between spouses.
• Practicing cleaving is dependent on responding to God's desire
• The desire for one's spouse, if misdirected, can be viewed as a demand rather than a need.

Oneness in Marriage Pillar #3: Weaving

• Weaving focuses on the merging of two separate individuals into one.
• It is meant to emphasize the unity and wholeness of marriage
• Husbands are to nourish and cherish their wives, supporting their every need
• Wives should respect their husbands

Oneness in Marriage Pillar #4: Receiving

• Accepting each other is vital, not needing to have a perfect spouse and not needing your spouse to complete you.
• Couples can become more like Christ by accepting each other's imperfections

A Gospel-Centered Application of the Four Pillars of Oneness in Marriage

• Every marriage should be a picture/representation of the Trinity
• Couples should use the scripture of Genesis 2:23-25 as a guide to address heart motivation
• Addressing the heart is primary

Exposing the Marital Log in My Eye

• Marriage counseling can help couples reconcile their inner sinfulness with God's grace.
• Diagnosing marital issues requires looking at one's own shortcomings rather than focusing on the shortcomings of one's spouse.
• Sin blinds us to the log in our own eye.

What Really Causes Our Marital Fights and Quarrels?

• James asks, "What causes fights and quarrels among you?" to emphasize that the source of relational conflict is found within the individual (a self-centered, sinful heart).

• The root source of marital conflict is self-centered desires, demands, and sin.

• Self-centered desires, demands, and sin in our heart.

God's Prescription for Marital Harmony: Relational Repentance

• Sinful behaviors in marriage like shame, blame, and claims are rooted in our self-centeredness.
• Repentance and relational shift is needed for harmony, rather than solely focusing on changing the behavior of a spouse.

Mind Renewal for Marital Renewal

• Renewal of the mind is needed to shift from self-centered desires to Christ's sacrificial love.
• God calls the married couple to be other-centered instead of self-centered and to live in grace love for each other

The Resurrection-to-Life Power behind Death-to-Self Marriage

• A reminder to couple that they must turn toward Christ for the power to live out a marriage of grace, not self-power.
• Repentance and resurrection are needed for a life-giving and fulfilling marriage.
• The power from God can transform marital conflict and restore a couple's relationship.