Day 1: Listen - PDF

Day 1: Listen Before you even think about your responses to other people, you need to sharpen your listening skills. Have you ever had a conversation with someone whose body is there, but their mind is not? Frustrating, isn’t it? Poor communicators think that “listening” is merely the act of waitin...

Day 1: Listen Before you even think about your responses to other people, you need to sharpen your listening skills. Have you ever had a conversation with someone whose body is there, but their mind is not? Frustrating, isn’t it? Poor communicators think that “listening” is merely the act of waiting for their turn to speak all while mentally composing their response. This is a grave mistake. Listening is so much more – it’s a way of providing someone else the chance to share their thoughts and ideas, to build emotional intimacy, and to show empathy. Today, you’re going to learn the basics of great listening, and then undertake an exercise that will allow you to put these tips into practice. Listening isn’t simply about giving another person the chance to vocalize what’s on their mind, although this is valuable in its own right. Listening is also the first step towards personal change. Psychotherapist Carl Rogers, one of the most influential psychologists of the 20th century, noted that when someone gives us the chance to talk about what has happened to us and how we feel about it, we start to realize the best way to change our thoughts and behaviors. Although taking advice from someone else can be useful, we are most likely to change for the better if we work through our problems out ourselves. Being able to talk freely to an understanding listener is one of the most effective ways of achieving this. If your conversation partner rambles, or their thoughts don’t seem to make sense, hold your tongue and give them the space they need. They might want to talk to several other people first before implementing a plan, or they may need to process the issue in their own time. Try not to get frustrated! Extend to others the patience you would like to receive in return. Top tips that will make you an outstanding listener 1. Use non-intrusive verbal and non-verbal signals to encourage them to keep talking: Nodding, and saying, “Uh huh” and “I see” are short, unobtrusive signals that encourage further disclosure. Silence is also okay – sometimes, someone needs a few moments to get their thoughts organized before continuing the conversation. Give them space. 2. Let them keep going until they run out of steam: When I learned to listen properly, I was amazed to discover that a lot of people desperately want someone to slow down and hear what they have to say. This is especially true if they feel angry, upset, or need to work through a problem. One of the most useful, fundamental – and difficult – listening skills of all is to keep quiet and let the other person hold the floor. If you are dealing with an angry or frustrated individual, they won’t be able to think clearly until they have offloaded everything that’s on their mind. 3. Do not play the role of armchair psychologist: To some extent, everyone is a psychologist. We all like to come up with our own theories about why so- and-so is so angry all the time, why our cousin always falls for men who treat her badly, etc. Analyze away – on your own time. When someone shares important information with you, do not speculate about their personal motivations, or why they behave in a particular manner. At best, you’ll come across as a bit too nosy. At worst, your conversation partner will feel patronized and angry. At you. 4. Do not interrupt with unsolicited advice: Even if you’ve been in the same situation or faced the same problems as someone else, do not offer your ideas or solutions unless asked for them. There are few things more annoying than unwanted advice or suggestions. Resist the urge to tell them that you know exactly what they are going through. To put it bluntly, you don’t. Two people can have a similar experience, yet their personality types, upbringing, and previous life events mean that they will not experience the same emotions. If your conversation partner asks for your input, then go ahead – but gauge their response. If they appear open to your feedback, continue. However, if they start frowning, crossing their arms, or give any indication that your advice isn’t helpful or welcome, stop and ask whether they want you to continue. Remember, no one is obliged to follow your recommendations. Put your ego to one side. Once you have contributed, it’s up to the other person to strategize their next move. Furthermore, they may not be divulging the whole story, and they will need to take other facts and considerations into account when drawing up a plan of action. 5. Re-phrase someone else’s words, but don’t parrot them back: You may have heard that repeating someone’s words back to them shows that you have been listening. This is true – to a point. A fine line exists between reflecting understanding and quoting someone verbatim. I’ll use an example to illustrate the concept. Suppose that your friend said the following: “I’ve been feeling quite lonely lately. It seems like my family doesn’t care what I’m doing or whether I’m even happy.” Here are two potential replies. Which do you think would help your friend feel truly heard, and which would make them feel really annoyed? “So, you feel like they aren’t giving you much attention right now?” Or “You’ve been feeling lonely lately, and like your family doesn’t care what you’re doing?” The second response shows that you heard the actual words, but it also sounds downright weird! Your friend might wonder if she’s been talking to a parrot instead of a normal human being. I prefer the first response since it reflects an absorption of the meaning behind the words in addition to the words themselves. 6. Check your assumptions: We all tend to view the world through the lens of our own preferences and experiences. For example, if you are close to your parents and enjoy talking to your mother on the phone every week, you are likely to be upset on someone else’s behalf if they tell you that their own mother is very ill. But if your conversation partner happens to have a distant relationship with their parents, they probably won’t expect an overly sympathetic reaction. In fact, your sympathy might make them feel uncomfortable. What’s the lesson here? Do not project your own feelings onto someone else. Let them tell you what a situation means for them personally. Under no circumstances should you tell them how to feel. Accept everyone’s differences, and that no one will react in exactly the same way under the same circumstances. Put It Into Practice. Your challenge for today is to phone a friend or relative you haven’t seen or spoken to in a while, and then use the conversation as an opportunity to practice your active listening skills. You don’t need to be on the phone for hours, just try a 20-minute catchup. Ask them what they’ve been doing lately and strive to listen attentively. You might be shocked to discover how often you slip into bad listening habits. Afterwards, reread this chapter and make an honest assessment of how you did. This exercise also comes with a nice bonus. By phoning your friend or relative, you can build and improve your relationship. Recall the last time someone called you up unexpectedly and truly wanted to know how you were doing. It felt good, didn’t it? You felt valued. The person you call is going to feel the same way. Maybe you could even make it a habit to phone them on a regular basis. Day 2: Count The Number Of Times You Interrupt Other People If you had to identify the most annoying communication habit ever, what would it be? Admittedly there are a lot of contenders, but most of us agree that being interrupted is among the most irritating. Today, you’re going to examine how often you interrupt other people, and then work on giving your conversation partners the time and space they deserve. Interrupting people is easy to do. For example, if you participate in a heated discussion, you might want to jump right in to exert your voice. If you’re passionate about an idea, your enthusiasm might bubble to the surface. But that’s where the challenge lies. Even if your ideas are excellent, your conversation partner will be too annoyed to give them the attention they deserve if you interrupt. By your interruption, you’re insinuating that your thoughts and ideas are more important than theirs. As you know from personal experience, interruptions derail your train of thought. Interruptions also make someone feel disrespected. If someone values you and your ideas, they will at least have the courtesy to let you finish speaking, right? You need to apply the same principle when actively listening to others. Interrupting can completely kill your chances of developing a good relationship with someone else, and that’s not an exaggeration. If they feel as though you are more interested in steamrolling over them with your personal point of view instead of getting to know them, they will start to withdraw from you. Here’s how to kick the interruption habit: 1. Set targets and give yourself rewards: Set a realistic goal and choose a small reward as a suitable incentive. For example, you could promise yourself that if you make it through the day interrupting people fewer than ten times, you will pick up your favorite magazine or candy bar on the way home. 2. Stick up signs: The simplest solutions can be the best! I keep a small sticky note on my computer monitor to remind me not to interrupt others. It features a sketch of a closed mouth just beneath an ear. I glance at it when I’m on the phone or webcam. It reminds me that if I strive to grow my relationships – and my business – I need to let other people speak. 3. Write down any points you want to make in advance: While you can’t take notes during an unplanned conversation, you can take a list with you to a scheduled meeting. When you know that your key points are strategically bulleted on a piece of paper, it’s easier to refrain from interrupting. In formal meetings, you can also make notes of your thoughts when someone else is speaking. Once they have finished, you can then refer to your notes and ask for clarification. 4. Remember that your silence is just as influential as your voice: No one likes a showoff or a person who appears to love the sound of their own voice. On the other hand, everyone respects someone who lets other people speak and exercises caution when offering their own opinion. If the thought of keeping quiet terrifies you, consider that your interruption habit might spring from a sense of insecurity. Some chronic interrupters feel the pressure to prove that they have thoughts of their own or even that they have earned a place in the room. Does this sound familiar? If so, your interruption habit might be more than just an annoying quirk. It might be time to examine any underlying feelings of inferiority and address them, either by yourself or with the assistance of a qualified therapist. 5. Practice biting your tongue: The phrase “bite your tongue” can be taken literally here. When you feel the urge to interrupt, sandwich your tongue between your teeth. The sensation will act as a constant reminder not to butt in. Cultural differences The advice I’ve given in this chapter assumes that you, and those around you, have been raised in a culture that interprets interruptions as a sign of rudeness. Most Westerners would agree that it’s good manners to let someone else finish speaking before responding. However, it’s useful to remember that there are cultural differences in how people perceive interruptions. For instance, some cultures regard interruptions and cross-talk as normal. To give two specific examples, those of Italian descent tend to see interruptions as an acceptable way of showing interest in a topic. Meanwhile, people raised within Japanese culture often believe that it is acceptable to interrupt someone to ask for clarification. When you meet someone, who seems especially quick to interrupt, consider the possibility that there is a culture gap. It isn’t appropriate to ask someone to describe their family’s heritage, but just knowing that these differences exist can help you remain calm and patient. You can bridge the gap by making an explicit request such as, “I’ve got something really important to say and don’t want to forget anything, so if you have any questions, could you please save them for the end?” Put It Into Practice Today’s exercise is really, really simple – or at least, it’s simple in theory. Count how many times you interrupt other people in all your conversations, and then use the tips above to stop yourself. Ideally, you should try to talk with at least three people. If you can do this while in a group, even better. The first time I tried this exercise, I was dismayed to discover that I struggled to even let people finish their sentences. My intentions weren’t to be rude or annoying, but my conversation partners must have been thoroughly irritated. Unless I make an effort to keep myself in check, I still catch myself interrupting others a bit too often. It’s a tough habit to break, but your friends and family will thank you for it. Who knows, you might learn something new if you master the art of keeping your mouth shut. Day 3: Become An Inclusive Communicator When it comes to politics and social issues, we all have our own opinions. Yet one thing most of us can agree on is that everyone, regardless of their background or individual characteristics, deserves to be treated with respect. Today, you will learn about the importance of inclusive communication. What is “inclusive communication” anyway? In a nutshell, a good inclusive communicator takes care not to alienate or offend an entire group of people based on their personal attributes. They do not make assumptions based on an individual’s characteristics. Inclusive communication acknowledges and values diversity. Mastering this skill is increasingly important in the 21st century. Thanks to globalization, people from all backgrounds now work and socialize together. Inclusive communication builds harmonious relationships between individuals, and it even boosts business performance. Research reflects a positive correlation between gender diversity, ethnic diversity, and profit in organizations. Tips for inclusive communication 1. Don’t emphasize a characteristic if it isn’t necessary to do so: For example, let’s suppose that you are telling your team that an employee from another department is scheduled to work with them on a new project. This employee, a man called Sam, happens to be gay. It would not be appropriate to say, “Sam, the gay guy from Department X, will be joining us on Monday.” Sam’s sexual orientation is not relevant to his work, so drawing attention to this characteristic is not necessary. 2. Don’t assume a person’s gender or sexual orientation: Choose gender- neutral terms if possible. For example, if your manager is leaving the company and you do not yet know the gender of their replacement, it is more appropriate to use “they” in reference to the possible candidates instead of “he” or “she” until a permanent replacement is selected. Do not assume that a person is heterosexual. It is better to use terms like “partner” or “significant other” instead of “boyfriend,” “wife,” and so on. 3. If you need to talk about someone’s disability, do so in neutral terms: It’s true that many people with disabilities do suffer as a result, but it is presumptuous to make statements such as “Peter suffers from epilepsy” or “Mary is afflicted with schizophrenia.” 4. Focus on a person, not any disabilities they might have: Do not define someone by their condition or illness. For example, it is better to say, “Pat has depression” rather than “Pat is a depressive” or “Pat is depressed.” 5. Do not uphold stereotypes: Making assumptions based on someone’s nationality, ethnicity, or other characteristics is offensive because it shows a lack of respect for someone’s individual talents and personality. This philosophy stays true even of positive stereotypes. For example, if you meet a Chinese accountant, it would be inappropriate to suggest that Chinese people naturally make good accountants because “Asians are so good at math.” 6. Show respect for race and ethnicity through proper capitalization in written communication: For instance, “Native American”, “Black”, and “Torres Strait Islanders”, should always be capitalized. If in doubt, look up the term in a dictionary or use a reputable online resource. 7. Be mindful of context: Bear in mind that in some instances, it is acceptable for members of a group to use words that would be offensive if used by outsiders. For example, some members of the LGBT+ community refer to themselves as “queer.” However, this word is usually considered offensive if used by a heterosexual person, and not all LGBT+ people accept it in the first place. If in doubt, any “loaded” terms that have historically been used to insult or belittle others are best avoided. 8. Avoid patronizing individuals or groups of people: If you have a disability, you might have heard someone describe you as “brave” or “inspiring” for carrying out normal day-to-day tasks such as cleaning your home, going to work, or exercising at the gym. I have a cousin who walks with a cane following a car accident several years ago. Several well-meaning people have praised him for being “an inspiration”. Their intentions are good, but my cousin just feels patronized. Do not assume that just because someone has a disability that they want to be recognized for merely existing! Is inclusive communication really necessary? I respect the fact that some people think inclusive communication is “too politically correct.” However, wherever your personal views land, you can quickly find yourself in trouble if you do not use inclusive communication. For instance, using sexist language in the workplace could land you in hot water with HR, or earn you a reputation as someone who doesn’t keep up with modern etiquette. Why making offensive jokes is harmful, even if you really are “only joking” Over the years, I’ve met a few people who claim that it’s acceptable to make offensive jokes, or stereotype groups of people, as long as you don’t really hold offensive views. But here’s something to think about – people who do support negative stereotypes and hold racist, sexist or other offensive views will feel justified whenever they hear such “jokes.” This means that racism, sexism and other forms of bigotry go unchallenged. Do not make jokes that rely on disparagement humor, and let others know that you don’t find them funny. Put It Into Practice Exercise I Do you express assumptions or stereotypes (whether positive or negative) when talking about particular groups? The next time you take part in a conversation that includes a discussion about other people, consider whether your choice of words is respectful. Could you be a more inclusive communicator? If applicable, make a note of where and how you could improve next time around. Exercise II Switch on the TV (or go on YouTube) and find a show that features a lot of dialogue. Watch it for 15-20 minutes. Are the people taking part in the conversation upholding any negative views or beliefs about particular groups? Do you hear similar language in your everyday interactions? If so, how could you challenge it? Day 4: How To Expand Your Vocabulary You will be judged more favorably in social situations if you can demonstrate a broad vocabulary. Most people assume higher levels of education and intelligence when a person knows the meaning of many words and can use them correctly within the scope of normal conversation. Those who understand and appreciate complex words and phrases are at a real advantage, both personally and professionally. Today, you will learn why a big vocabulary is a valuable asset, and how to add more words to your personal dictionary. Why your vocabulary really does make a difference There is a link between vocabulary and occupational success. A study by linguistics and education researcher Johnson O’Conner found that people who achieve high scores on vocabulary tests are significantly more likely to obtain high-level positions in the workplace. This finding still applies when gender, age, and level of schooling are controlled. Even more interesting, vocabulary test performance predicts success – it’s not just a byproduct of working in senior positions or encountering with educated people. So, what’s going on here? In a nutshell, a strong vocabulary is the best foundation for communication, and communication is the starting point for success. When you have more words at your disposal, you are in a better position to deliver exactly the right message. The richer your vocabulary, the more accomplished you will become in communicating nuanced ideas, and in understanding new lines of thought and reason. Someone with a wide vocabulary can tailor their oral and written communication to a range of audiences, meaning that they can grow productive relationships with others that allow them to flourish. A wide vocabulary also allows you to absorb information from complex sources, which provides you with the tools you need to improve your personal and professional skills. For example, if you are comfortable reading and interpreting high-level textbooks, you are more likely to benefit from advanced education and training than people who only recognize common everyday words. When you are familiar with complex words, your reading speed will also improve, because you won’t have to pause to define a word. Obvious, right? Here are a few strategies that will help you out: 1. Use a new word every day: Get into the habit of looking up a new word each morning, and then using it at some point during the day. If it’s a particularly obscure word and you can’t fit it into a conversation naturally, at least tell someone that you learned a cool new word, and then tell them what it means. 2. Use apps and online games to expand your vocabulary: There are hundreds of free apps and games designed to help users learn new words. One of my favorites is Free Rice (freerice.com). It’s a simple multiple-choice game that tests your vocabulary. The more questions you get right, the more difficult the questions become! If you give an incorrect answer, the site will show you where you went wrong. As an added bonus, for every correct answer you give, the site’s founders donate a small amount of rice to people in need. PowerVocab (vocabulary.com), 7 Little Words (7littlewords.com), and Words With Friends 2 (zynga.com) are all popular apps that make learning new words simple. 3. Become a word enthusiast: Learning words in isolation will help grow your vocabulary but gaining a deeper appreciation of a word’s structure and roots will put you in a good position to understand new words you encounter in the future. When you first learn a word, break it down to its constituent parts. For example, the word “orthostatic” means “relating to or caused by an upright posture”. If you break the word apart, you’ll see that it’s a fusion of “ortho” which means “straight”, and “static” which means “concerned with bodies at rest”. Learning the definitions of prefixes and suffixes will help you decipher new words. 4. Read widely: This is the classic piece of advice for anyone who wants to sound intelligent and educated. Don’t stick to the same books and magazines that you normally read. Challenge yourself by exploring new topics, and by reading denser and more challenging text. Set aside at least 15 minutes of reading time each day. In my opinion, there’s no excuse not to read – not only does it improve your vocabulary, but it will also help you become a well-rounded individual capable of conversing with virtually anyone. 5. If you aren’t sure what a word means, ask. It’s normal to feel embarrassed when someone uses a word that you don’t recognize, but it’s a golden opportunity to learn something new. If someone tries to make you feel inferior on the basis that you don’t happen to know what a word means, then that’s their problem. If you really can’t ask at the time, at least make a note of the word and look it up later in your dictionary. Put It Into Practice Exercise I Today I want you to learn five new words, and then incorporate them into your spoken or written communication. Exercise II Take a look at the apps and websites mentioned in this chapter and commit to using one of them for at least five minutes each day for a week. Day 5: Swap “But” For “And,” & Embrace “Yet” Sometimes, it’s the little things that make a huge difference. Today, I’m going to draw your attention to “but”, “and”, and “yet.” The words we choose shape not only how other people see us but how we see ourselves. When you master the art of positive communication, the world will start to appear more welcoming. You will begin seeing opportunities rather than problems, and other people will be drawn to your proactive, upbeat personality. You don’t have to believe that these tips will work – just put them into practice and see the difference for yourself. “But”, “and”, and positive communication How often do you hear people say “but” statements? Here are a few examples: “I’d love to go on vacation, but I’m scared of flying.” “I’d like to go back to school, but I don’t have any free time.” “I want to run a marathon, but I’m so out of shape.” In each of these statements, the speaker ascribes a particular explanation to a problem or situation. They assert that because they are scared of flying, they can’t go on vacation, or that they have no free time so they can’t go to school, or that they are out of shape and therefore cannot run a marathon. What most people don’t realize is that a typical “but” statement is unnecessarily limiting and negative. This becomes more apparent if you take out “but” and then insert “and” instead. Take the first example in the list above – “I’d love to go on vacation, but I’m scared to fly.” Swap “but” for “and” and you notice the difference immediately: “I’d love to go on vacation, and I’m scared to fly.” The revised version suggests that the speaker just so happens to be afraid of flying, plus they want to go on vacation. It’s a subtle difference but it matters! It implicates that the person has a desire plus a problem to be solved, rather than a desire that will be thwarted by their problem. When I start working with a client, I often notice that they parrot the same old “but” statements repeatedly. They become our own personal stories – excuses that we don’t question. We assume that they are true and take them to heart as the gospel truth. These intrinsic beliefs become somewhat akin to a script. The more you repeat them, the further entrenched you are in the role of someone who would love to change their life yet cannot do so because they are held back by a single factor beyond their control. When I teach my clients to drop the “buts” and swap them for “and” instead, I usually see a rapid transformation. Within a few minutes, this mindset shift starts to show in their expression. Hope replaces desperation as they realize that the way you frame a situation makes all the difference when coming up with solutions to a challenge. Another problem with using “but” “But” can also make people defensive. As soon as we hear that little word, most of us assume that criticism or bad news is on the horizon. For instance, if you were to tell someone that you understand their point but want to use another approach, they are likely to feel threatened and criticized. However, telling them that you understand their view and want to use another strategy will usually elicit a more positive response. It implies that you value their input, even though you won’t put it into action. This technique generates a sense of closeness and mutual allegiance. The power of “yet” Simply putting “yet” on the end of a negative statement can transform its meaning. Let’s look at a few examples: “I don’t know enough about this topic to pass the exam.” “I don’t know enough about this topic to pass the exam yet.” “I can’t get a girlfriend.” “I can’t get a girlfriend yet.” “I just don’t earn enough money to buy a house.” “I just don’t earn enough money to buy a house yet.” Using “yet” signals to yourself and others that you haven’t given up. You are acknowledging that things might change. You may not understand exactly how you will make these changes come to pass, but you are at least open to the possibility. It immediately transforms you into a more positive, optimistic person – at least in the eyes of others. This technique doesn’t just work in conversation. It is also effective when it comes to your own self-talk. It promotes a sense of positivity and potential, while still encouraging you to remain realistic. It acknowledges your current situation and problems but makes it clear that you are on the right track. Put It Into Practice There are two exercises for you to try today. Exercise I Whenever you catch yourself making a negative statement that includes the word “but”, substitute “and” instead. Don’t be surprised if your optimism turns out to be contagious. This one little change will make you sound confident and positive. This will inspire others. If you aren’t able to try this out in conversation, use it as a journaling exercise instead. Give yourself five minutes to write down any “but” statements you’ve been making recently. What happens if you use “and” instead of “but”? Personally, I feel less helpless in the face of my difficulties when I make this simple swap. Exercise II Go on a “Yet Hunt”. Whenever you make a negative statement or bemoan that you are lacking some kind of resource, stick a “yet” on the end. You could also silently add a “yet” to the end of other people’s sentences and see for yourself how it changes their meaning. You might be tempted to start telling others that they’d feel better if they started using “yet” more often, but this is best avoided unless you’re certain they value constructive feedback. Day 6: Watch Your Pronouns Unless you are reciting a monologue, you need to always consider the needs of your conversation partner. Never bore them. Break this rule at your peril. There’s no point in getting your views across if no one is going to be listening to them anyway. Do you like to talk about yourself? You’re normal! If you were to ask the average person whether they enjoy talking about themselves and listening to the sound of their own voice, they would probably say “Me? No, of course not”. But let’s get real – most of us love talking about ourselves. In moderation, that’s perfectly okay. You are living your own life, so it’s natural that you find your own experiences fascinating. In addition, people who never reveal anything about themselves are not perceived as trustworthy. The best communicators know how to balance self- disclosure with respect for other people. Limit your “I”s A fascinating research study carried out in 1988 at the University of California found a link between narcissism and the number of times a person used “I” during a five-minute monologue. The subjects, 24 men and 24 women, were allowed to speak on a topic of their own choosing for several minutes. Their monologues were recorded, and the researchers then counted the number of times each person used first person pronouns. The participants who achieved higher scores on measures of narcissism tended to use “I” more often. So, does this mean that “I” talk is a reliable indicator of narcissism? Not quite. Later research has shown that there actually is no relationship between the two. What does this mean for those of us who want to make a good impression? Here’s the important part – although psychologists disagree on whether “I” talk is really related to narcissism; the average layperson picks up on it. In other words, a psychologist might realize that “I” talk doesn’t necessarily mean you are narcissistic, but most other people will. In conclusion, it’s safe to say that avoiding excessive “I” talk will benefit you. When to use “I” Too much “I” talk will not endear you to anyone, but sometimes it’s the best approach. Here’s when you should use it: 1. When you are being assertive: If you are standing up for your rights, using “I” draws a firm line between you and someone else, allowing you to state exactly how the situation makes you feel. Let’s suppose that your partner fails to do their fair share of the household chores. Instead of listing their faults in an aggressive manner and telling them that they need to change immediately, it would be more effective to use “I” talk to explain how their actions have made you feel. Someone can argue with your interpretation of their actions, but they can’t argue with your own feelings. “I” statements are less inflammatory than accusations beginning with “you.” To continue with the above example, it would be better to say, “I feel undervalued when I come home to find that you have not cleaned the kitchen after you promised to do so” than “You don’t do anything, and the house is a complete mess!” 2. When you want to introduce a potentially controversial opinion: If you are talking about a sensitive topic, such as religion or politics, it’s a good idea to communicate to everyone listening that you can tolerate other people’s opinions. Your views are your own and do not represent those of everyone else. To avoid appearing rude, do not present your opinion as fact – preface it with an “I.” Countless arguments could be prevented if only people took a second to acknowledge that not everyone feels the way they do, and that differences are okay. 3. When you want to claim credit for an idea: In most cases, it’s to your advantage to work with others when coming up with a plan or new idea. You will be more popular if you are willing to work as part of a team. However, sometimes it’s better to establish that you alone deserve the credit. For example, if you are aiming for a promotion at work and your manager values self-sufficiency, use “I” when talking about your ideas. Cut down on “I” talk, and use “we” talk instead The word “we” instantly conjures up a feeling of solidarity. “We” talk emphasizes similarities and common experiences, which generates a sense of intimacy. You can do this in such a subtle way that no one will notice. You don’t have to change the meaning of what you say. Simply make a few minor adjustments. Look at the examples below to see how this works: “I think the meeting starts at three.” “We have to be at the meeting room by three, right?” “I remember the summer of 2012. It was really hot.” “We had a really hot summer in 2012.” “I think that house will be too expensive.” “We need to find out whether that house will be too expensive.” Put It Into Practice Exercise I Today, you are going to count the number of “I”s you use. Don’t worry if you start to lose track. It’s not necessary to cut “I” out completely. Just challenge yourself to remain aware of what you are saying. Exercise II Sit in on a conversation and monitor the number of times each party starts a sentence with “I.” Keep two running tallies for a few minutes, one for each individual. Are the numbers roughly even? Do they both seem happy with the way the conversation flows? This exercise works particularly well if you can observe two strangers, because you won’t have any preconceptions about their personalities or the events they are discussing. Whenever I’ve tried it, I usually notice that if one person uses a lot of “I” talk, their conversation partner will start to sound bored. Bear this in mind the next time you catch yourself saying “I” too often. Day 7: Offer A Helping Hand Giving and receiving help is part of being human. Lending a hand to someone who needs practical or emotional support is rewarding, and it can enrich your relationship. Unfortunately, offering help isn’t always simple. Today, you’ll learn how to reach out to someone in need. Why asking someone if they need help can get complicated There is a fine line between offering someone help and making comments that imply they are incompetent. Unless you approach the issue in a sensitive way, the other party may feel patronized. They might also suspect that you are trying to meddle in their lives. On the other hand, withholding help can make you appear cold and aloof. Here are a few tips you can use to strike the right balance: 1. When offering someone help, tell them exactly why you are reaching out: When you do this, the other person will understand that your offer is motivated by a desire to make their life easier. Make it clear that you don’t want to order them around. For example, let’s suppose that your friend has recently moved into a house that requires extensive structural and cosmetic work. When you visit them in their new home, you note that the place is a complete mess. Your friend appears tired, almost on the verge of tears. They tell you that the house is proving to be a far bigger project than they’d anticipated. You want to offer to help your friend, but you don’t want to patronize them by implying that they can’t possibly undertake the work alone. Which of the following questions do you think would work best in this case? “Do you need help with this place?” OR “Hey, I’ve noticed that you seem really tired lately, and this house is a pretty big project. I’d love to help you. Could I come over this weekend and lend a hand with the wiring?” The latter is more sensitive, because it shows your friend that you have taken the time to understand the problem they face. It suggests that you have taken an inventory of their situation and are not just making a misguided offer of help because you think they are incapable of doing the job themselves. 2. Ask “How can I help?” or “Can I help by doing X?” instead of making a vague offer of assistance: Does the following situation sound familiar? You’ve had some bad news. You tell someone else about it. They say, “Just call me if you need help”, or “If I can do anything, let me know”. These offers are well-meaning, but they are vague. They also sound formulaic and platitudinous. It’s hard to know whether they have been made just for the sake of politeness. What’s the lesson here? If you are offering help, make your offer specific. Failing that, at least ask a question that gives the other person a chance to let you know what they need. Think about the day-to-day challenges someone in their situation might face. For example, if your friend’s child is in hospital, you might realize that shopping for groceries and keeping the house clean may seem overwhelming under the circumstances. You could ask, “Can I help by doing a grocery run?” or “Would you like me to come over and do the housework for you?”. The same principles apply in the case of minor problems. If your colleague appears overworked and stressed one morning, don’t just stand there and say, “You look busy, so let me know if you need help.” It would be better to say, for example, “Can I help by doing that filing for you?” or “Would you like me to take the notes for this afternoon’s meeting?” 3. Focus on helping a person change their circumstances, not their character: Sometimes, a person’s problems are caused by their character deficits. For instance, if your friend has lost their job because they are habitually late and tend to daydream while sitting at their desk, they have caused their own problems by failing to adhere to basic standards of behavior expected of an employee. However, your role in this situation is not to “fix” their character, or to lecture them on how to live their life. Yes, profound personal change is possible – but it must come from the individual, and it may require professional assistance. You could help them look for a new job or help them to research training providers if they want a change of career. It is futile to tell someone about their own faults and then expect instant change. They probably already know what they need to work on and will not appreciate your amateur psychoanalysis. In fact, they will probably resent your attempts to interfere, and it could damage your relationship. Offer practical help or offer to listen, but never try to “help” by remodeling someone’s personality. 4. Don’t offer emotional help or support unless you know you can remain nonjudgmental: Offering to help someone by “talking over a problem” or “just listening” is great – if you have the right skills. Be honest with yourself. If your friend or relative faces a huge problem, can you trust yourself to stay quiet and listen, even if they choose to do something you don’t agree with? (This is especially important if their next steps could have a direct impact upon your personal life.) If you are not able to listen, help them find someone else who can be relied upon to hear them out. Ideally, this person will not have any emotional investment in the situation. 5. Be flexible if you want to offer money: If you have a friend or relative who is in financial trouble, you might want to help out. (Assuming, of course, that you can afford it) However, many people are sensitive when it comes to the topic of money and are reluctant to accept it from friends and family. Don’t be surprised if someone turns down your offer of financial aid. If someone is too proud to accept a gift of money, or if it goes against their principles, you could either offer a loan instead (at no interest) or provide them with opportunities and services that will help them get back on their feet. For instance, you could offer to babysit their kids for free while they attend job interviews or set them up with professional contacts in your field.  Put It Into Practice Do you know someone who has been having a hard time lately? Call them up and offer your help. Make sure you know in advance what you are capable of giving and that you don’t promise more than you can deliver. Day 8: Practice Saying “Thank You” “Thank you” is one of the most important phrases in our language. Human relationships are built on shared interests and good communication but also on mutual acts of service. For example, close friendships are based on an agreement (usually left unspoken) that each friend will listen to the other in times of need. Today, you are going to think about how often you give thanks to those who offer help. Even self-made men and women need a helping hand or two on their way to success. No one likes whiny, ungrateful individuals who refuse to acknowledge their good fortune. There are few things more annoying than someone who has so many reasons to be thankful but complains all the time. Even more unpopular are those who receive help from others but rarely bother to acknowledge it. It doesn’t matter how much status you have, or even how famous you are – you are never “too good” to stop and give thanks to everyone who helps you out. It’s an easy way to develop a reputation as a happy, positive individual that everyone wants to be around. 1. Build on a bare “Thank you:” A simple “Thank you” is always appreciated, but there’s a quick trick that will ensure you leave a lasting impression. Using a few extra words, tell someone precisely what has filled you with gratitude. For example, suppose a colleague has agreed to attend a meeting on your behalf and take notes because you are urgently needed on a project. Most people would take the notes and say, “Thank you so much!” That’s fine, but what do you think might happen if you were to use one of the following phrases instead? “Thank you for taking the time to make those notes for me.” “Thank you for standing in for me and getting that information.” “Thank you for taking such detailed notes, that was so helpful of you.” These alternatives are specific and personal. This tactic will make the other person feel more appreciated for what they have done, which will enrich your relationship. It also prevents you from taking others for granted. For example, if your partner fixes dinner most evenings, you may find that over time you stop showing a noticeable degree of appreciation. Making an effort to show how much you value them will nurture your relationship. 2. Offer to repay their kindness: If someone has gone out of their way to help you, offering them assistance in return will demonstrate your appreciation. Most people won’t take you up on it, but they’ll still be pleased that you asked. Ask, “How can I return the favor?” or “Is there anything I can do in return?” You could also tell them that if there’s anything they need in the future, they can call on you to help. Remember, relationships are built on give and take. In a healthy friendship, both parties are willing to give and receive support. 3. Never reject a compliment: I think most of us are occasionally guilty of brushing off a compliment or piece of praise. Even a well-timed compliment can be enough to make some of us blush with modesty but arguing with someone trying to compliment you is rude. The only appropriate response is a sincere “Thank you” “I’m so glad you think so” or similar. What if you suspect that someone is merely trying to flatter you, or is giving you a sarcastic compliment? You should still say “Thank you” because you’ll win no matter what. If they are giving you a true compliment – you win. If they are being sarcastic or manipulative and you say “Thank you” before changing the subject, you still win because you haven’t allowed them to drag you down to their level. Gratitude and mental health Saying “Thank you” will also make you feel grateful for what you have, which in turn will make you happier. Research shows that “gratitude listing” – literally writing down what you are thankful for – improves mood and well- being. This is even true for people living with a chronic health condition. When you make a point of thanking other people, you will automatically start noticing what goes well in your life. It helps you develop a growth mindset, which encourages you to identify opportunities instead of obstacles. Unsurprisingly, research has also shown that people who are thanked for their efforts enjoy greater mental health than those who feel underappreciated. Put It Into Practice Exercise I Today, your challenge is to find opportunities to express thanks and gratitude. There are bound to be at least a few people to thank. Let everyone know how much their help means to you. Even if someone just holds the door open, look them in the eye and say, “Thanks a lot!” If you are lucky enough to be on the receiving end of a significant act of kindness, let the other person know how much you appreciate them. Exercise II If possible, take it one step further and make time to tell a loved one how much you value their ongoing help and support. You could even call them up just to tell them how wonderful they are! One day, I realized that I had never told my mother how much I appreciated all the support she’d given me during my college years, especially those times I struggled to stay motivated. That night, I called to let her know how vital her love and help had been on my academic journey. I told her that although I should have made that call years ago, I figured it was better late than never. She was surprised, but then burst into happy tears. Never underestimate the power of a sincere “Thank you.” Day 9: Stop Trying To Score Points I’ll admit it, I like being right – and I’m not the only one who feels this way! We all have our own points of view, and it’s gratifying when we know (or rather, think we know) best. The trouble comes when we set out to prove the validity of our opinion just for the sake of scoring points or making someone else confess that they were in the wrong all along. Don’t be too harsh on yourself if you’ve ever spent hours trying to browbeat someone into accepting your perspective on an issue or situation. We’ve all done it. It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I gave up on the idea of “winning” every and any debate. When I was younger, I thought that I had somehow lost, or shown myself to be weak, unless I forced my poor opponent to concede that I was “right.” Half the time, I didn’t even care that much about the topic under discussion. My key concern was proving how much better I was than everyone else in the room. Looking back, I’m embarrassed for my younger self. He was so busy trying to convince everyone of his so-called intelligence that he missed out on the chance to build some good friendships and romantic relationships. I used to wonder why my dates rarely developed into something more. It seems so obvious in hindsight! Not many women tolerate self-righteous men who enjoy telling them why their views are totally wrong. Needless to say, a confrontational approach doesn’t lay the groundwork for a good friendship or romantic relationship, and it can drive your relatives crazy, too. It’s fun to have a debate every now and then, but frequent sparring is exhausting. You know the old saying, “Sometimes, it’s more important to be happy than it is to be right”? That’s what I’m talking about here. Let go of the inconsequential little arguments and save your reasoning abilities for the stuff that actually matters. Let me be clear on what I mean in this chapter. I’m not talking about those instances where you actually need to change someone’s mind. For example, if your spouse wants to move to the city whereas you think it’s far better for both of you to remain in the country, you would need to make a case against the move. That’s common sense. If you want other people to like you and open up to you, it’s unwise to impose your views on them for the sake of winning an argument. By all means exchange opinions and ideas but watch out for that moment you make the transition between constructive conversation and petty debate. Why point scoring is, well, pointless Bear in mind that point scoring rarely works anyway. The harder you push someone, and the more aggressive you are in insisting that you are in the right and they are in the wrong, the more likely it is that they will start to shut down. There is a sound neurological reason for this phenomenon. When we find ourselves in a threatening situation, our fight or flight reflex kicks into high gear. Activity levels in the parts of the brain responsible for logical thought and reasoning drop, and the areas related to conflict are triggered to act. The result? We become less and less interested in actually evaluating the evidence someone else provides and instead concentrate on fighting back. This is why two people can be having a rational conversation one minute then a short time later be shouting and screaming at one another. Even if you do “win” an argument, you might suffer in the long run. You can never be certain whether someone gives in because you have managed to convince them of your point of view, or they have just stopped engaging with you because they are tired of the whole situation. Conflict can lead to resentment when there are issues left unresolved. Just because you have apparently succeeded in bulldozing your opponent doesn’t mean that they are going to forget it any time soon. If you want to preserve your relationship, make sure that any important underlying issues have actually been resolved. Tune in to your emotional state. If you feel tense, angry, or want to punch a wall, it’s a safe bet that whatever comes out of your mouth isn’t going to be helpful or constructive. Another key sign that you are more interested in scoring points than having a fruitful discussion is a sudden realization that you can’t even remember what started the fight in the first place – and you don’t even care! If you still aren’t convinced, think how much more relaxed you’ll feel if you drop the idea that you always have to have the last word. Wouldn’t it be nice to know that if someone holds a view that doesn’t align with your own, you are under no obligation to start dissecting everything they say? If you crave the excitement of a fiery argument, then why not join a philosophy discussion group or debating society? Choose a more constructive outlet for your dramatic nature. Don’t let it ruin your relationships. Put It Into Practice Today, you are going to let other people be wrong. If you have to spend time with someone who holds views different to your own, this will be a challenge – but that’s the whole point. You are not going to waste your time and breath telling them why their opinion is null and void. Where has that gotten you in the past? Nowhere, probably. What does point scoring do for your relationships? Nothing! If you have to excuse yourself from a situation to avoid an argument, then so be it – but try and tough it out. This exercise will show you that the world doesn’t cave in when other people see things in a different way. You’ll soon learn that there is enough room in the world for opinions of all kinds. No one has a moral obligation to agree with you. You don’t have a duty to convince them of your views either. Day 10: Ask Questions That Get Results When you need to uncover information fast, what do you do? Ask questions, of course! It should be so simple, shouldn’t it? Unfortunately, as you know, it’s not always easy to get clear answers from other people. You can’t force anyone to answer you, but you can greatly increase your chance of a good result by refining the way you ask questions. Here’s how to get answers: 1. Build up gently to high-pressure questions. No one likes having an important question sprung upon them. Show some empathy for their position. For example, let’s say that you want to ask your manager some questions about your chances of receiving a raise next year. Rather than charging in and asking immediately whether you think your salary will receive a boost, ask them whether it’s a good time to talk about your position at the company and prospects for the future. 2. Decide whether an open or closed question is better. We’re often told that asking open questions – those beginning with “Why” and “How” – is a better approach than asking closed questions that can be answered with a “Yes” or “No.” It’s true that the former will yield more in-depth responses, but this isn’t always a good thing. For instance, if you are talking to someone who is renowned for rambling on without getting to the point, it might be best to use a closed question instead. 3. Use a four-part structure when helping someone deal with a problem. Questions don’t just help you obtain information. They are also a good way of helping someone through a crisis. Empathy and sympathy will only take you so far. Asking the right questions will help someone come up with a plan of action that gets to the root of the problem. Executive coach Irene Leonard recommends taking a four-step approach: A. Ask someone questions that will help them hone in on their issue. “What seems to be the issue here?” is a good starting point. B. Obtain further information. Once you have established the underlying cause of their distress, you can then use prompts to get the full story, if necessary. Questions like “Can you tell me more about that?” and “What else can you tell me?” are useful in this context. C. Ask them questions that establish their ideal outcome. Specifically, encourage them to tell you what a successful resolution would look like. Ask them what they want to happen, what their priorities are, and their preferred way of solving the problem. For instance, do they want to figure things out alone, with a friend, or with the assistance of a third party? D. Ask them questions that help them pin down their next steps. For instance, you could ask them whether they have any firm ideas with regards to how they plan to proceed and how they will know when they have met their objectives. 4. Don’t lead people to a particular answer. If you want to know what someone really thinks of an idea, you need to ask your question in a neutral way. In other words, you need to avoid asking leading questions. Think about how you phrase them. Here are three examples of terrible questions that encourage an individual to give a particular kind of answer: “Does everyone agree that we should streamline the department?” “Don’t you think that we should spend Thanksgiving at Peter’s house this year?” “Shouldn’t we put this into action as soon as possible?” If you asked these questions, you’d be making your own biases plain. If someone disagreed strongly, they may raise objections, but most people like an easy life. Consequently, open questions can encourage poor decision- making at both home and work, which can be disastrous. This is even more likely if you have a strong personality, because not many people will be willing to tackle your assumptions and challenge your thinking. Let’s look at a better way to ask those questions: “What does everyone think we should do with regards to the department’s structure?” “Where do you think we should spend Thanksgiving this year?” “When do you think we should put this plan into action?” 5. Don’t force people to pick between two or three options. This approach assumes that you have already thought of all the available options. There might be viable alternatives, but you will never know if you ask questions in this format. It’s more effective to simply ask someone for their suggestions, or open with a broad statement like, “How would you handle this situation?” 6. Prepare for the unexpected. Never assume that you know in advance what someone is going to say. Give them your full attention and be ready with a few phrases you can use if they share some shocking information. “Thank you for telling me – I need time to process that,” “This is a surprise, can I have a minute to take that on board?” and “I’ll admit this has shocked me a little, but I’d like to talk about it further,” can all help smooth over an awkward situation. There’s even more advice on the art of asking questions in my book The Science of Effective Communication: Improve Your Social Skills and Small Talk, Develop Charisma and Learn How to Talk to Anyone. Put It Into Practice Today, you are going to put the above principles into practice when asking questions. If you have been meaning to get some clarification on an issue for a while and haven’t gotten around to it, now is the perfect time! These questions don’t have to be of great significance. The objective is to practice getting the information you need and to have a positive conversation at the same time. Remember to put your listening skills to good use whenever the other person provides an answer. Day 11: Refine Your Voice & Speaking Style It’s not just what you say but how you say it. Speaking at a suitable volume and pitch will make other people more inclined to listen to you. We all know people who aren’t especially brilliant or interesting but still know how to engage a crowd. These folks use their voices to grab their audience’s attention. You should do likewise. It’s not just actors and singers who can develop their voices. Anyone who wants to leave a positive impression should learn how to make the most of their vocal cords. Today, you are going to discover your personal vocal range, and fix some of the most common speaking mistakes everyone makes from time to time. It doesn’t matter how fascinating your message, it won’t get through if no one is listening. A dull, monotonous voice will kill your communication dead. Here’s how to make your voice more exciting and easier on the ear: 1. Lower the pitch of your voice. Research has demonstrated that people who speak in a low pitch are perceived as more confident and competent than those who talk in a breathy voice. This applies to both men and women. Like it or not, people can and will judge you based of your speaking voice. Practice sitting and standing up straight, taking deep breaths, and then counting slowly from one to five as you exhale. You can also experiment with pitch by repeating the same word or sound (such as “No”) at various intervals. It’s a good idea to learn how to breathe properly, regardless of whether you are seriously interested in developing a good speaking voice. I know what you’re thinking – doesn’t everyone know how to breathe? Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. Most of us breathe from our chests, not our diaphragms. Taking up yoga and breath-based meditation practices will help relax your muscles and ensure a consistent flow of oxygen around the body, which is great for your health. 2. Use vocal exercises to develop a smoother voice. If your voice tends to quiver, particularly when you are under stress, you need to practice keeping it smooth and stable. Take a deep breath in, then exhale at a steady rate while making a hissing sound. Repeat this several times. Tongue twisters also help you practice speaking in an even tone – try saying “three free throws,” “strange strategic statistics,” or another difficult phrase repeatedly until it becomes easy. Repeat these exercises a few times per day. Here’s another exercise that will help you develop a sharper, cleaner voice. Moving up and down your vocal range say, “ney, ney, ney, ney, ney” ten times over. Repeat this exercise daily. 3. Cut out any verbal tics. I used to say “um” a lot. At the time, I knew that I didn’t sound as confident as I would have liked, but I had no idea that it was so noticeable until a friend kindly pointed it out. I was embarrassed at the time, but she helped me realize that if I wanted to be taken seriously, I’d have to work on eliminating my verbal tic! Aside from “um,” other frequent offenders include “er,” “like,” “yuh,” and “y’know.” They are okay in moderation, but if you use them repeatedly, your listeners will assume that you aren’t really sure what you are talking about. If you happen to have any video or audio recordings of yourself lying around, watch or listen to them. Count the number of times you use the words and phrases listed above. The results might surprise you, but they will spur you to action. If you don’t have any material to work with, ask a friend to make a discreet recording when you are distracted. 5. Stick to short sentences and choose short words where possible. Whatever the education level of your audience, they will find short sentences easier to digest. Use technical terms if necessary but pick short words if it’s practical to do so. Ideally, you should speak in sentences that you can get through on a single breath. 6. Master the art of the pause. Effective speakers know that pauses lend extra weight to their message. For example, a brief pause between two points provides your audience with a chance to appreciate their importance. Pausing after a rhetorical question will give them a moment in which to consider the broader point you are making. 7. Vary the pitch and tone of your voice. Keeping your voice relatively low will make you sound more authoritative. However, speaking in a monotone will just bore everyone around you. Let yourself express some emotion. For example, it’s fine to raise your voice in surprise or to adopt a softer tone when comforting a friend. Put It Into Practice Today, I’m assigning you two challenges. Exercise I Make sure you have at least ten minutes to yourself, or else those around you might assume you’ve gone crazy. Find an article or book and read it aloud for a minute. Record yourself speaking, then listen to it. Pay attention to your volume and pitch. We don’t tend to really listen to the sound of our own voices, so you may be in for a shock the first time you play it back! Appraise your voice. Do you speak softly, loudly, or somewhere in between? Are you high-pitched, low-pitched, or “average”? Using your recorder, experiment until you know how it feels to speak in a steady, even voice at a relatively low pitch. Try the vocal exercises outlined above. Exercise II The second challenge is to practice speaking in a different tone of voice when in conversation. If you already know the other person, don’t change your tone completely - they will just want to know why you suddenly sound completely different. Most of us can’t help but respond differently to voices of varying pitches and inflections. You may be surprised at how everyone around you reacts. Day 12: Focus On Behavior, Not Character Today’s challenge won’t just improve your communication skills, it’ll also give your social intelligence a boost. You’re going to learn a simple trick that will help you resolve arguments, get your needs met in a relationship, and stay on everyone’s good side. Do you happen to know someone who seems popular with everyone, yet at the same time refuses to sugarcoat the truth? These folks have the ability to give criticism without making enemies and to patch up any disagreements within minutes. I had a boss like this a few years ago. Everyone respected him. He had a reputation as a straight shooter and could be a bit blunt sometimes, but he was pretty popular. I’d watch him carefully in meetings, trying to work out how he got the balance right. He was calm and polite, but I sensed there was more to it than that. One day, I worked up the nerve to ask him for a few tips. I had recently moved into a management position and was trying to learn how to call out unacceptable behavior in my team without earning myself a reputation as a mean or harsh boss. “Ah,” he said. “One rule. Focus on their behavior, not their character.” I asked him for an example. “Well,” he went on, “Last week I had to write someone up for wasting a lot of time on social media when he should have been working on a big project. He was being lazy. But I never used the word lazy and I never implied that he was wasting time.” “Instead, I talked about the facts. I explained why his conduct was inappropriate. I talked about the exact number of hours that he’d been spending online, and I actually had a printed copy of his contract on the table during our meeting. It clearly stated that he was not allowed to use company networks for personal communication. He agreed he’d messed up, and that was pretty much the end of it.” In hindsight, it sounded so obvious. My boss didn’t assassinate anyone’s character. All he did was take a moment to gather his evidence and ascertain the facts. He focused on what someone had actually done rather than their personality or attitude in general. He spelled out the consequences someone would face if they didn’t change their behavior, but he never took the opportunity to rip someone apart. This doesn’t just work in professional settings. Use it whenever you need to call someone out on their behavior. It’s an awesome technique because it stops people from getting defensive. If you start analyzing their personality and passing harsh judgements on their character, you will find yourself drawn into an argument about what they are “really” like. This is a total waste of time and will harm the relationship. Let’s take a look at two examples that show the value in emphasizing actions and consequences instead of personality and threats. Example 1: Your teenage son’s room is a mess. You want him to clean it up. Don’t say: “Your room is a total mess. I can’t believe how lazy you are. You’d better get it straightened up right now, or you’ll be in trouble!” Instead, you could say: “Your room is messy and needs a cleaning. This is my home, and you must respect that. I expect you to have cleaned it by the weekend, or you will not be allowed to use the car on Friday night.” Example 2: You are a manager. A member of your team has been late three mornings over the past two weeks, and you want them to start turning up for work on time. Don’t say: “You obviously don’t care about your job, and you are letting the team down. Start getting here on time!” Instead, you could say: “You have been late three times over the past fourteen days. As you know, it is important for the sake of the team’s performance that everyone is here on time. If you are late again, you will receive a written warning.” By the way, this doesn’t have to be a conversation about a serious, life- altering event. For example, let’s suppose that a friend asks you out for dinner but then asks you to pay for everything. They promise that they will pay you back once payday comes around, but then they don’t make contact. This leaves you feeling hurt and underappreciated. You might be thinking, “So-and-so is really selfish! They always take people for granted!” However, using the approach outlined in this chapter, you’d talk only about their actions. Telling them that you think they are a selfish leech might be satisfying for a few seconds, but is it going to help your friendship? Nope! Stick to the facts. If you have to make a request (in this case, for your money), keep calm. Focus on what you want, why you need it, and the time frame in which you expect it to happen. Finally, there’s another advantage to this technique. When you talk about someone’s behavior as opposed to their character, you are signaling that it’s what they do, rather than who they are, that matters. This can encourage them to try harder in the future, especially, if you also take care to compliment them on everything they have done right. Whether they admit it or not, most people thrive on praise. Positive acknowledgement always goes down well. Put It Into Practice Today, you are going to have a conversation with someone who has recently hurt or inconvenienced you. This serves two purposes. First, it will help clear the air and get your relationship back on track. Second, it will give you the opportunity to practice talking about a problem in terms of someone’s actions. You are not going to make character judgments, create drama, or drag up the past just for the sake of hurting them.