Rob Brezsny - Pronoia is the antidote for paranoia (2005) PDF

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me sere =eee aoe pes=i SAC: ae H 2 excels cs) Ricnite nl ae eee if Se ae How the Whole World Is Consp aaron = ) a aS AS | 8 og a8 ees “sam siete PSS. # Oe 5: r) | | | i 2 | ° =< 4 : ; | to Shower You with Bless Se RN s 7s eee poe hn i : Bie ‘A a Pt oe & CRE age Re RY OL Some  Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2021 with funding from Kahle/Austin Foundation https://archive.org/details/pronoiaisantidot0000brez PRONOIA ls the Antidote for Paranoia  PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia How the Whole World ls Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings ROB BREZSNY and the Beauty and Truth Laboratory os Frog, Lid. BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA Copyright © 2005 by Rob Brezsny. All rights reserved. No portion of this book, except for brief review, may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise— without written permission of the publisher. For information contact Frog, Ltd. c/o North Atlantic Books or Televisionary Publishing. Published by Frog, Ltd. and Televisionary Publishing P.O. Box 150247 San Rafael, CA 94915 www.beautyandtruth.com Frog, Ltd. books are distributed by North Atlantic Books, P.O. Box 12327, Berkeley, California 94712 Cover design by Catherine Campaigne Printed in the United States of America Distributed to the book trade by Publishers Group West North Atlantic Books’ publications are available through most bookstores. For further information, call 800-337-2665 or visit our website at www.northatlanticbooks.com Substantial discounts on bulk quantities are available to corporations, professional associations, and other organizations. For further details and discount information, contact our special sales department. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Brezsny, Rob. Pronoia is the antidote for paranoia : how the whole world is conspiring to shower you with blessings / by Rob Brezsny. Daa wch: Summary: “In this how-to book, Rob Brezsny builds a case for cagey optimism, a perspective which engages rather than represses difficulty and views the universe as inherently friendly’—Provided by publisher. ISBN 1-58394-123-1 (pbk.) 1. Optimism. 2. Life. 3. Blessing and cursing. |. Title. B829.B74 2005 149'.5—dc22 2005002872 4567 89 Data 09 08 07 06 05  [nsTRUCTIONS 4. Start at the beginning of this book and read it in a sequential fashion straight through to the end; OR Start in the middle of the book and read here and there, trusting your instincts to find exactly what you need, exactly when you need it; OR ignore the above suggestions and improvise your own approach. Zi Commune with the book as if it were made of music as well as writing. Let the recurring melodic and rhythmic themes guide your passage. 3. Regard yourself as my coauthor. Keep a pen or pencil with you as you read, and add your comments and drawings with abandon. There are numerous questions and assignments to spark you. Chapter 16 is entirely yours, and you'll find lots of empty space for your use in the 14 “Pronoia Therapy” pieces. But feel free to scrawl and doodle anywhere. 4. | invite you to begin your contribution to our collaboration on this page. You could tell a good and beautiful lie, or brag about how smart you are in the way you love, or describe the circumstances in which you were most dangerously alive. Jot down the five things you most want to accomplish in the next 20 years. Name the people you'd like to see naked. Write the first two sentences of your 500-page autobiography. TABiE ere Olneinns Chapter 1 Bravo, Viva, Kudos, Whoopee, Eureka, Hallelujah, Abracadabra 2 THIS IS A PERFECT MOMENT * Primordial Gossip 4 GLORY IN THE HIGHEST * Secrets of Pronoia Us THE EXPERIMENT * Dionysian Manifesto. 9 DEAR GORGEOUS GENIUS * Love Letter 10 PRONOIA THERAPY * Pronoia Therapy SF Chapter 2 When they say “Be yourself,” which self do they mean? 12 BABY WIPE COMMUNIQUE * Medicine Story 22 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (Night vision goggles and Sharon Doubiago) 7a YOUR INALIENABLE RIGHT TO FRESH OMENS * Guerrilla Oracle 23 BURN, BABY, BURN * Guerrilla Oracle 24 FREE PRONOIA THERAPY * Pronoia Therapy SF Chapter 3 We’re searching for the answers so we can destroy them and dream up better questions 26 LUMINOUS TEASE * Love Letter 24 EVIL IS BORING * Dionysian Manifesto 29 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (How to Start Your Own Country) 30 SUBVERT COLONIALISM * Guerrilla Oracle 31 SLAM * Special Offer 32 | HAVE A DREAM * Primordial Gossip 33 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (Jung, Whitman, King) 34 DREAMY PRONOIA THERAPY * Pronoia Therapy oO THE MISSING EVERYTHING * Guerrilla Oracle 36 WHAT IS THE BEAUTY AND TRUTH LABORATORY? * Medicine Story 39 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (Hand-loomed Turkish shower curtains) 40 LIBERATED FOR YOUR USE oF Chapter 4 Everyone who believes in the devil is the devil 42 DROWNING IN LOVE * Guerrilla Oracle 43 THE UNIVERSE IS MADE OF STORIES * Dionysian Manifesto 45 WELCOME TO THE SHOW * Primordial Gossip 46 PNN 1: PRONOIA NEWS NETWORK 50 GAZING INTO THE ABYSS OF HAPPINESS * Dionysian Manifesto 31 YOUR AWAKENING TREE * Guerrilla Oracle 52 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (Ralph Waldo Emerson: Make your own Bible) 53 UNABASHED PRONOIA THERAPY * Pronoia Therapy 58 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (“All | ever wanted in life”) Chapter 5 Let’s go wash some water 60 BEYOND GOODNESS * Guerrilla Oracle 61 A DANGEROUS TABOO * Secrets of Pronoia 64 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (Iroquois Thunderbird Clan) 65 LAZY WORK * Guerrilla Oracle 66 ORIGINS OF THE HOMEOPATHIC MEDICINE SPELLS * Secrets of Pronoia 67 HOMEOPATHIC MEDICINE SPELL #1 68 WORLD KISS * Primordial Gossip 70 VOLCANIC PRONOIA THERAPY * Pronoia Therapy 71 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (William Blake’s poem) 72 LET’S MAKE MORALITY FUN * Special Offer (gs HOW PRONOIA WORKS * Secrets of Pronoia 74 LIBERATED FOR YOUR USE Chapter 6 “Il vow to interpret every experience as a direct dealing of the Goddess with my soul” 76 WHAT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR YOU TO ASK TODAY? * Love Letter 77 BIGGER, BETTER, MORE INTERESTING PROBLEMS * Dionysian Manifesto 78 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (The mosquito that kept you up all night) 79 INTIMATE PRONOIA THERAPY * Pronoia Therapy 85 PNN 2: PRONOIA NEWS NETWORK 89 THE RICH GET RICHER * Guerrilla Oracle 90 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (The Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu) 91 FURTHER EVIDENCE * Special Offer 92 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (Boris Pasternak’s poem) Chapter 7 Everyone’s a nobody—and nobody’s perfect 94 YOU ARE ALMOST EVERYTHING * Love Letter 95 BIN LADEN’S WIFE’S BRA * Guerrilla Oracle BRAIN-SGRA “96 MBLIN MEDITATION G * Primordial Gossip 98 REAP THE BENEFITS OF YOUR SCRAMBLED BRAIN * Primordial Gossip 99 APOCALYPSE VERSUS APOCALYPSE * Dionysian Manifesto 101 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (When you ate Peruvian figs) 102 HYPE-OCALYPSE * Dionysian Manifesto 103 PRONOIA’S VILLAINS * Secrets of Pronoia 104 YOU’RE A GOOD KILLER * Guerrilla Oracle  105 AMBIDEXTROUS PRONOIA THERAPY * Pronoia Therapy 109 HOMEOPATHIC MEDICINE SPELL #2 110 LIBERATED FOR YOUR USE Chapter 8 When did you first realize you are the rain’s teacher? 112 FEAR OF BEAUTY? * Secrets of Pronoia 113 SHADOW SCHOOL * Dionysian Manifesto 115 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (The necessity of meeting God in darkness) 116 FLIP-FLOP THE TRAUMATIC IMPRINT * Medicine Story Ve LOVE BOMB * Primordial Gossip 118 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (Cock-a-doodle-doo) ie) SUBTERRANEAN PRONOIA THERAPY * Pronoia Therapy 124 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (The decisions you didn’t make) 124 YOUR SACRED ADVERTISEMENT 20 PNN 3: PRONOIA NEWS NETWORK 130 ART LESSONS * Guerrilla Oracle 130 SOARING AND SCROUNGING * Guerrilla Oracle Chapter 9 Pe Visualize at the moment of orgasm Put your deity’s name here 132 ALL | ASK OF YOU * Love Letter 133 WHAT IF YOUR DESIRES ARE HOLY? * Dionysian Manifesto 135 THE ORGASMIC ROOTS OF PRONOIA * Medicine Story 144 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (Sacred underwear) 145 DEVOTIONAL PRONOIA THERAPY * Pronoia Therapy 149 PNN 4: PRONOIA NEWS NETWORK 154 RADICAL EVERYTHING * Guerrilla Oracle _ Chapter 10 Only you can prevent the genocide of the imagination 156 PRAYER FOR YOU * Love Letter 159 FOUR DIGNITIES OF THE WARRIOR’S PATH * Guerrilla Oracle 160 CRIMES THAT DON’T BREAK ANY LAWS * Primordial Gossip 163 CRIMES THAT DON’T BREAK ANY LAWS: THE THEORY * Primordial Gossip 164 DO-IT-YOURSELF PRANK * Primordial Gossip 165 THE PERILS OF ENCHANTMENT * Guerrilla Oracle 166 RECEPTIVITY REMEDIES * Dionysian Manifesto 170 YOUR CHALICE * Special Offer Al YOU ARE A DISSEMINATOR OF PRONOIA * Secrets of Pronoia v2 PNN 5: PRONOIA NEWS NETWORK  Neg FLEXIBLE PRONOIA THERAPY * Pronoia Therapy 181 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (Atheist prayer) 182 LIBERATED FOR YOUR USE Chapter 11 Stronger than hate, wetter than water, deeper than the abyss, more exotic than trust 184 TUMMLER AND ONDINNONK * Love Letter 185 WELCOME HOME * Primordial Gossip 186 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (Titian painting) 187 CONFESS YOUR FUNDAMENTALIST VIRUS * Primordial Gossip 188 THE LIMITS OF INTERWEAVING * Guerrilla Oracle 189 THE MORE ACCIDENTAL, THE MORE TRUE * Dionysian Manifesto 191 RAUCOUS PRONOIA THERAPY * Pronoia Therapy 196 HOMEOPATHIC MEDICINE SPELL #3 197 THE 80 PERCENT RULE * Dionysian Manifesto 198 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (Deena Metzger’s prayer) SF Chapter 12 This engineering moves you to sing. _These advertisements make you smart. These TD) tebe rhythms ba free all Ls aNprisoners of childhood. iidlictes UcaSea Ue eAald 200 YOUR HOROSCOPE * Love Letter 201 SURRENDER TO THE CONSPIRACY * Guerrilla Oracle 207 SACR DV ISEMENT (Telepathics Anonymous 210 YOUR DREAMS * Dionysian Manifesto “211 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (Chris (Chris Roc! Rock’s testimony) he PNN 6: PRONOIA NEWS NETWORK 218 EASY PRONOIA THERAPY * Pronoia Thera Chapter 13 The 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Bore God The 12th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Bore Thyself 220 YOUR SLEDGEHAMMER AND WATERCOLOR BRUSH * Love Letter 221 SACRED UPROAR * Secrets of Pronoia 223 DO-IT-YOURSELF PRONOIA * Secrets of Pronoia 224 EVIL FEARS LAUGHTER * Dionysian Manifesto 226 HOMEOPATHIC MEDICINE SPELL #4 227 THE SCIENCE OF THE INVISIBLE * Dionysian Manifesto 230 22ND-CENTURY PRONOIA THERAPY * Pronoia Therapy  236 PNN 7: PRONOIA NEWS NETWORK 241 HOW IS ENLIGHTENMENT LIKE A MILLION-DOLLAR VACATION HOME? * Guerrilla Oracle 242 EXEMPTION FROM ENLIGHTENMENT * Special Offer Sf Chapter 14 You Are a Fucking Lucky Plucky Good-Sucking Genius 244 IT’S BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS * Love Letter 245 PERSONA TURNOVER * Guerrilla Oracle 246 YOUR BRAND NEW NAME * Special Offer 247 MA STAR, YOU’RE A STAR * Dionysian Manifesto 249 I’M A BRAT, YOU’RE A BRAT * Dionysian Manifesto 249 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (Carl Jung about Jesus) 250 YOU’RE A PROPHET * Dionysian Manifesto 251 YOUR PROPHECIES * Dionysian Manifesto 252 HOMEOPATHIC MEDICINE SPELL #5 253 | ME WED * Primordial Gossip 256 LIBERATED FOR YOUR USE Chapter 15 “Ever since | learned to see three sides of every story, I’m finding much better stories” 258 YOUR GRADUATION INSCRIPTION * Love Letter 267 ANTI-DSM-IV, or THE OUTLAW CATALOG OF CAGEY OPTIMISM * Premium Bonus Tener =. Denatt ae ae hen. >. o>) haere eo 270 SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (“I Don’t Know”) 2a OUTLAW PRONOIA THERAPY * Pronoia Therapy “275 WALKING UPHILL BACKWARD * Secrets of Pronoia 276 INVITATION TO THE DANCE *Special Offer_ 2h YOUR ASSIGNMENT * Guerrilla Oracle 278 AUTHOR’S THANKS _278 __ ABOUT ROB BREZSNY_ Sf Chapter 16 You Are My Coauthor —wTVWrcDAWwD WY rSERAPY Experiments and exercises in becoming a radically curious, wildly disciplined, ironically sincere Master of Sacred Uproar Report your answers & research results here Celebrate Unhappy Hour at least once a month. Dur- ing this ritual blowout, you have license to complain and rant about everything that's driving you crazy. Get a sympathetic listener to be your receptacle or deliver your blast straight into the mirror. If you prefer, write it all down. One way or another, grouse nonstop about your secret shame, raw sorrow, bottomless wrath, unspeakable guilt, and unnerving twists of destiny. Feel free to unleash guttural moans or rueful cackles. If performed regularly, Unhappy Hour serves as an exorcism that empties you of psychic toxins. Pronoia will then have a chance to flourish as you luxuriate more frequently in rosy moods and broad-minded visions. Describe a past event when you let yourself wan- der to the edge of unreasonable joy. Then imagine a future adventure that might once again bring you there. If you’ve ever watched The Simpsons TV show, you’ve probably heard Homer Simpson's favorite toast. “To alcohol,” he proclaims, “the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.” My own salute is dif- ferent. “To the Divine Trickster formerly known as God,” | say, “the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.” Compose a prayer in which you simultaneously curse and thank the Primal Source. The English language is in a state of rapid ferment. New words are barging into the dictionary at an unprecedented rate, even as old familiars fall into dis- use. There’s one exception to this trend: profanity. Hoary favorites like “fuck,” “shit,” and “asshole” have gained an acceptance unthinkable 30 years ago, but fresh curse words are rarely coined. At the Beauty and Truth Lab, we find the over- used classics inadequate for expressing our evolving 19  Write or draw your responses below rage at injustice, ignorance, and ugliness. Furthermore, as deadening clichés, they don’t satisfy the pronoiac mandate to use language with sonorous precision. There’s another problem. Anger has become one of the trendiest emotions of all. In moderation it can be a righteous force for constructive change. But its hack- neyed omnipresence means the vast majority of its out- breaks are trivial. The paucity of colorful obscenities is aggravated by an abundance of frivolous fury. How can you purge the clichéd ire that dilutes the useful, inspired stuff? One good method is to make fun of it by expressing it bigger than life. Try this. Go alone to a place where it’s safe to feel blind rage. Envision a person or thing you love to hate, then unleash the fol- lowing mantra 15 times in the most vulgar tones pos- sible: “You miasmic heap of shaved-off cemetery warts. You mangled preen of politicians’ tongue scabs. You brackish tripe of experts’ ego tinkles. You fragile crap of orphaned tyrants. You demented cluster of fickle weasel vows. You curdled slosh of rotting fracas- spawned opinions.” Now how about if you get to work helping us coin a new generation of profanities? For more inspiration, see “New Curse Words” at www.halfbakery.com/idea/ New_20Curse_20Words. Feminist writer Elizabeth Hilts redeemed the misog- ynist word “bitch” in her book Getting in Touch With Your Inner Bitch. Gays proudly appropriated the previ- ously derogatory word “queer” to describe themselves, thereby celebrating their outré power. In this tradition, the Beauty and Truth Laboratory proposes to reclaim the curse, “Go fuck yourself,” turning it into a sincere wish that the person to whom it is addressed will indulge in life-affirming, self-administered pleasure to the point of rapture. Now go fuck yourself. ”Americans live inside their own private echo cham- bers,” says syndicated writer Matt Zoller Seitz, “end- lessly revisiting things they already know they like and avoiding exposure to anything new and different.” Your assignment is to ask yourself if you fit Seitz’s descrip- tion, and then—if you do—to escape your private echo chamber. So for instance, if you’re a tattooed pagan performance artist, attend a rodeo or NASCAR race; if you’re a Christian Girl Scout leader, listen to Ani DiFranco or Radiohead, or read Noam Chomsky’s radical cri- Intimate Therapy Pronoia 80 Experiments and Exercises  Take notes and make comments below tiques of American foreign policy. If you’re an atheistic intellectual, take a workshop in ecstatic Sufi dancing or a class in Buddhist meditation. TER your Own ass 22 times a day for the next 22 days. There’s no single right way to perform this exercise, So experiment. My favorite technique is to jump off the ground with both feet and snap my heels forcefully backwards against the target area. Qabalist teacher Ann Davies told a story about a U.S. Army general negotiating with a cannibal chief in New Guinea during World War II. The general wanted the chief to rally his tribe to help American troops fight the Japanese. The chief refused, calling the Americans immoral. The general was shocked. “We are not immoral!” he protested. “The Japanese are immoral!” The cannibal chief replied, “The Japanese and Ameri- cans are equally immoral. You both kill far more people than you can eat.” Using this tale as your impetus, describe how parts of your own moral code are not rooted in an absolute standard of what’s good and evil, but rather bound by the idiosyncrasies of your culture and histor- ical era. In 752 A.D., the Japanese Empress Koken wrote a lyrical poem in praise of the eupatorium plant, whose leaves turn a vivid shade of yellow in summer. Recently, scientists demonstrated that the lovely foliage of the eupatorium is caused by a disease virus. In my view, this shouldn't diminish our appreciation of either the poem or the plant. Beauty sometimes forms in response to a wound. Give examples from your own life. Cancer cells are constantly developing in our 1 bodies. Luckily, our immune systems routinely kill them off. Similarly, our minds always harbor pock- ets of crazy-making misconceptions and faulty imprints. They usually don’t rise up and render us insane thanks to the psychic versions of our immune systems. How can you stay strong in your ability to fight off sickness and madness? You know the drill: Eat healthy food, sleep well, get physical exercise, mini- mize stress, give and receive love. But as an aspiring pronoiac, you have at your disposal other actions that can provide powerful boosts to your immune system. Here are examples: Scheme to put yourself in the path of beautiful landscapes, buildings, art, and creatures. Therapy Pronoia Intimate Experiments and Exercises © sare  Pick a few assignments to work on or do them all Exercise your imagination regularly. Get in the habit of feeding your mind’s eye images that fill you with wonder and vitality. Eliminate uhs, you knows, | means, and other junk words from your speech. Avoid saying things you don’t really mean and haven't thought out. Stop yourself when tempted to make scornful assertions about people. Every night before you fall asleep, review the day's activities in your mind's eye. As if watching a movie about yourself, try to be calmly objective as you observe your memories from the previous 16 hours. Be espe- cially alert for moments when you strayed from your purpose and didn't live up to your highest standards. With a companion, sit in front of a turned-off TV as you make up a pronoiac story that features tricky benevolence, scintillating harmony, and amusing redemption. Speak this tale aloud or write it down. Take on an additional job title, beautifier. Put it on your business card and do something every day to cul- tivate your skill. If you’re a people person, bring grace and intrigue into your conversations; ask unexpected questions that provoke original thoughts. If you’re an artist, leave samples of your finest work in public places. If you’re a psychologist or sociologist, point out the institutions and relationships that are working really well. Whatever you do best, be alert for how you can refine it and offer it up to those who'll benefit from it. If you’re going through a phase when you feel you have nothing especially beautiful to offer, or if you think it would be self-indulgent to inject your own aesthetic into shared environments, turn for help to great artists and thinkers. Sneak O’Keeffe or Chagall prints onto unadorned walls in public places, for instance. Memo- rize poems by Rilke and Hafiz, and slip them into your conversations when appropriate. Program your cell phone so that its ring is Vivaldi’s Stabat Mater in C Minor. Scrawl passages from Annie Dillard’s Teaching a Stone to Talk on the walls of public lavatories. 1 1 Write an essay on “What | Swear I’ll Never Do Again as Long as | Live—Unless | Can Get Away With It Next Time.” 1 Take off your mask. You say you’re not wearing a mask? But you are. The muscles of your face are so accustomed to displaying your familiar emotions, they’ve gotten stuck. Raw new emotions are aching to show themselves, but can’t dislodge the incumbents. Pronoia Intimate Therapy 82 Experiments and Exercises  Dig deeper and play harder Start an exercise program. Gaze into the mirror and make hundreds of rubbery faces. Loosen and tone your muscles. Flush those ancient expressions. 1 Many concepts we use to interpret our experi- ence originated in books written by people who are long gone. That’s why philosopher Norman O. Brown (who died in 2002) says in his book Apocalypse and/or Metamorphosis, “The bondage to books compels us not to see with our own eyes; compels us to see with the eyes of the dead, with dead eyes. There is a hex on us, the authority of the past; and to exorcise these ghosts is the great work of magical self-liberation.” Melville Davisson Post (who died in 1930) echoes the theme in his book Uncle Abner, Master of Myster- ies. “It is the dead who govern. Look how they work their will upon us! Who have made the laws? The dead! Who have made the customs that we obey and that form and shape our lives? The dead! All the writers, when they would give weight and authority to their opin- ions, quote the dead. Our lives follow grooves that the dead have run out with their thumbnails!” Whose dead eyes do you see with? What would it be like to see the world without them? 1 Create or obtain a symbol of your most incon- solable pain. Mail it to us at the Beauty and Truth Laboratory. We will conduct a ritual of purification dur- ing which we will burn that symbol to ash as we pray for your relief. While this may not eradicate your anguish entirely, we’re confident it will provide a tangible heal- ing that you'll feel the benefits of within a month. Send a representation of what hurts you most to Angst Incin- erator, PO. Box 150628, San Rafael, CA 94915. Charles Darwin said the “survival of the fittest” 1 is a central factor in the process of evolution. What exactly did he mean by that? He makes it clear in his book, The Origin of Species: “It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the ones most responsive to change.” What would you have to do to make yourself superbly fit according to Darwin’s definition? ”\Watch out for the dark side of your own ideal- 1 ‘oye and of your moral sense,” says Howard Bloom. “Both come from our arsenal of natural instincts. And both easily degenerate into an excuse for attacks on others. When our righteous indignation breathes the flames of anger against a ‘villain,’ we all too often Therapy Pronoia Intimate Experiments and Exercises jee)(ge)  You know what to do and you know how to do it become a fang in nature's scheme of tooth and claw.” What's the dark side of your idealism and morality? 1 vA”*Whether | shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.” So begins Charles Dickens’ novel David Copperfield. Buy a blank book and write that sentence at the top of page one. 1 Thank you for not smoking while communing with this subliminal prod. Thank you as well for not burping, drooling, picking your nose, getting drunk, spilling food on yourself, thinking nasty thoughts about anyone, and letting your mind leap from undisciplined ideas to out-of-control feelings like a mean monkey on methamphetamine. All such behaviors would interfere with your ability to register on deep subconscious lev- els the meaning of this subliminal prod, which is: Some- times you’ve got to be a bit of an asshole in order to avoid getting burned by the ass-souls. Do you agree? Provide evidence pro or con. 1 Computer programmer Garry Hamilton articu- lated the following “Game Rules” on his web- site, www.c2.com/cgi/wiki?GarryHamilton. Give examples of how they have worked in yout life. 1. If the game is rigged so you can’t win, find another game or invent your own. 2. If you’re not win- ning because you don’t know the rules, learn the rules. 3. If you know the rules but aren’t willing to follow them, there’s either something wrong with the game or you need to change something in yourself. 4. Don’t play the game in a half-baked way. Either get all the way in or all the way out. 5. It shouldn’t be necessary for others to lose in order for you to win. If others have to lose, re- evaluate the game’s goals. 2? Here’s the catch about pronoia: Life always gives you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it, but it doesn’t necessarily give you exactly what you want, exactly when you want it. Talk about the dif- ferences between what you want and what you need. 1 Write a letter to the person you'll be one year 2 from today. Tell this Future You that you’ve taken a vow to accomplish three feats by then. Say why these feats are more important to you than anything else. Describe them. Brainstorm about what you’ll do to make them happen. Draw pictures or make collages that cap- ture your excitement about them. Intimate Pronoia Therapy jee) Experiments and Exercises Inexorable Beat of Naked Heroism Freedom For more than The ancient Celts used to go into battle stark 30 years, Freedom House naked. They believed that only utter vulnera- has evaluated the global bility demonstrated their total trust in the state of civil liberties, demo- gods, who alone could make them invincible cratic institutions, and inde- and who alone determined whether they pendent media. Its research would live or die. This brazen yet humble suggests that the world is show of confidence often provoked primal steadily becoming more free. fear in their enemies. In a press release issued in In 2002, 600 women from Nigeria’s oil-rich December 2002, it reported Niger Delta invoked a similar approach to that of the world’s 192 na- combat, launching a protest against U.S. oil tions, 117 were electoral giant ChevronTexaco. The women wanted the democracies. “All provide Green Business Rising Toyota plans to company to plow back some of its profits into considerable political space use gasoline-electric hybrid engines in all of their impoverished community, from whose and media access for oppo- its vehicles by 2012. The company pioneered land it was taking the oil. To drive home their sition movements,” it said, hybrids in 1997, when it first sold the Prius, a demands, they threatened to commit a tradi- “and allow for elections that car that gets 50 miles per gallon of gas and tional shaming gesture—taking off their meet minimum international emits 40 percent less carbon dioxide than a clothes. Nigerian tribes regard public displays standards of ballot secrecy traditional engine. The third largest auto- of nudity by wives, mothers, and grandmoth- and vote tabulation.” maker in the world, Toyota has inspired the ers as a damning protest that casts shame on In a more thorough analy- top two to play catch-up. General Motors those at whom the action is directed. sis published in 2003, Free- and Ford both introduced their own hybrids The tactic worked. To prevent the show of dom House said that the 89 in 2004. nakedness, ChevronTexaco gave in to the most free countries control women, agreeing to hire villagers and build Rapture Update The World Health 89 percent of the world’s schools and electrical and water systems. Organization reports that over 100 million Gross Domestic Product. It During the invasion of Iraq in 2003, groups acts of sexual intercourse, involving more concluded that the majority of American, English, and Australian women, than 200 million partners, take place on the of the planet’s economic, inspired by the Nigerians, registered their earth every 24 hours. According to the technological, and military dissent through mass nudity. “In complete Beauty and Truth Laboratory, if even one out resources belong to democ- vulnerability there’s a mighty well of power,” of every two of those communions is moti- racies. (Source: www. said Australian singer and peace activist Grace vated by love, the planet is continuously freedomhouse.org) Knight. awash with tender ecstasy. Kis Almost More Good Luck Than You Can Bear “The rise of modernity served many extraordinary purposes: the rise of democracy; the banishing of slavery; the emergence of PNN is brought to you by liberal feminism; the differentiation of art and What If Everything’s Alive? Emily Dickinson's passion. science and morality; the widespread emer- Yua is a term the Yupiit people of Alaska use She “could never under- gence of empirical sciences; an increase in for the spirit that inhabits all things, both stand why the most in- average life span of almost three decades; the animate and inanimate. A rock, for instance, tense human experiences introduction of relativity and perspectivism in has as much yua as a caribou, spruce tree, or had to be relegated to the art and morals and science; the move from human being, and therefore merits the same margins of human soci- ethnocentric to world-centric morality; and measure of compassion. If a Yupiit goes out ety,” wrote Edward Hirsch the undoing of dominator social hierarchies.” for a hike and spies a chunk of wood lying in American Poetry Re- —Ken Wilber, A Brief History of Everything on a frozen river bank, she might pick it up view. “She read poetry and put it in a new position, allowing its and wrote every day be- previously hidden side to get fresh air and cause she needed a daily sun. In this way, she would bestow a blessing dose of ecstasy, the ela- on the wood’s yua. (Source: Earl Shorris, tion and exhilaration po- “The Last Word,” Harper’s, August 2000) etry provides.” aes 85  PRONOIA NEWS NETWORK PPPPTTTTTTETITT Tre Gross National Happiness Best Story and Storyteller of the Calculated annually, the Gross National Prod- Millennium uct (GNP) is the standard by which countries What was the best story of the previous gauge their prosperity. In an age when other millennium? Not Dante’s The Divine Com- values are subservient to the obsession with edy or Cervantes’ Don Quixote or Tolstoy’s material wealth, the GNP is in essence a meas- War and Peace or Joyce’s Portrait of the ure of the current worth of the Holy Grail. Artist as a Young Man, at least according to In recent years the Buddhist nation of Booker Prize-winning author A.S. Byatt. Bhutan has rebelled against this vulgarity, Writing in The New York Times, she named proposing a different accounting system: The Thousand and One Nights as the most Gross National Happiness (GNH). While it Epic Collaboration surpassingly brilliant tale of the last thou- takes into consideration economic develop- You are a metropolis of 50 sand years. ment, it also includes factors like the preserva- trillion citizens, says biolo- In full agreement with Byatt’s assessment, tion of the environment, enrichment of the gist Dr. Bruce Lipton. the Beauty and Truth Laboratory further culture, and quality of governance. Each of the cells in your names Scheherazade, narrator of The Here’s an example of how Bhutan has body can be considered a Thousand and One Nights, as the craftiest raised its GNH. Its scenic beauty could poten- sentient being in its own heroine in all of world literature. She saves tially generate a huge tourist industry. But right. They all act together her own life and those of countless other strict limits have been placed on the numbers as a community, perform- women as she diverts her husband from his of foreign visitors, ensuring the land won’t be ing an ongoing act of murderous compulsion through the gentle trampled and despoiled. prodigious collaboration. pyrotechnics of her imagination. By the time she has finished telling her tales, drawing from her profound understanding of human nature, she has borne three children and humanized the misogynist tyrant who had terrorized the kingdom. War No More Here are some of the long- After three decades of a The 10-year civil war in A few years ago East Timor running wars and conflicts civil war in which half a Sierra Leone, which killed up was described as an “un- that have had significant million lives were lost, the to 50,000 people, came to an imaginable, apocalyptic ruin” breakthroughs since 2000: Angolan government and the end in a celebration that by UN peacekeepers. More Rwanda and the Demo- UNITA rebel movement included a symbolic bonfire than 200,000 people had cratic Republic of Congo signed a cease-fire. of thousands of weapons died during a 25-year struggle signed a peace agreement to The ethnic Tamil Tigers gathered from both govern- to separate from Indonesia. end a conflict that killed 2.5 separatist rebels and the Sri ment troops and rebels. But after finally gaining its million people and thus was Lankan government signed a Ethiopia and Eritrea nego- independence, the new often referred to as “Africa’s cease-fire agreement and are tiated and signed a peace ac- nation is now prospering in World War.” engaged in peace talks. cord, ending their border war. peace. Adoration Reborn Domestic Bliss “The insulted waters of New York City are again sacred passages, as they once “For the first time in history, more were to Native Americans for millennia. Raw sewage no longer pours into vital than half of central city households waterways, and industrial pollution has largely been checked. We are witnessing are homeowners. This increase has the ecological resurrection of our rivers and bays, from the return of wood-eating been led by African-American and gribbles and shipworms that devour our piers to winter visits by a small seal Hispanic families, whose community. People are coming down to the water again to see rare birds, to kayak homeownership rates have been and to swim. And responding to an ancient call, they’re coming down to the water increasing the fastest.” to pray. Among the worshipers are Hindus, Shintoists, African Americans of the —www. goodnewsnetwork.org Yoruba-influenced Spiritual Baptist faith, Wiccans, Zoroastrians, Christians, and Jews.” —Erik Baard, Village Voice, www.villagevoice.com/issues/0223/baard.php 86 PRONOIA NEWS NETWORK Breaking the Pronoia Taboo “Know what you want and all the universe “The world is full of magical things patiently conspires to help you achieve it.” —Paulo waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” Coelho, The Alchemist —Bertrand Russell “The task of genius, and humanity is nothing “Love the earth and the sun and animals, if not genius, is to keep the miracle alive, to despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, live always in the miracle, to make the miracle stand up for the stupid and the crazy, devote more and more miraculous, to swear alle- your income and labors to others, hate giance to nothing, but live only miraculously, tyrants, argue not concerning God, re- think only miraculously, die miraculously.” examine all you have been told at school or —Henry Miller, The Colossus of Maroussi church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh “The soul should always stand ajar, shall be a great poem and have the richest That if the heaven inquire, fluency.” —Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass He will not be obliged to wait, Or shy of troubling her.” “Love is the most difficult and dangerous PNN is made possible in —Emily Dickinson, Poem 1055, Complete form of courage. Courage is the most desper- part by the renegade Sufis Poems of Emily Dickinson ate, admirable, and noble kind of love.” who say they’re as likely to —Delmore Schwartz bask in the sweetness of “Humankind was put on earth to keep the enlightenment while heavens aloft. When we fail, creation remains “There is always some madness in love. But cooking a frozen burrito in unfinished.” —Rabbi Menachem Mendel, there is also always some reason in madness.” a microwave oven under known as the Kotzker Rebbe —Friedrich Nietzsche the fluorescent lights of a convenience store as “T hunger for your sleek laugh and your hands “In the world there is nothing more submis- when they’re meditating the color of a furious harvest. I want to eat sive and weak than water. Yet for attacking on a straw mat in a remote the sunbeams flaring in your beauty.” —Pablo that which is hard and strong nothing can mountain sanctuary. Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets surpass it.” —Lao Tzu Future Studies e~ en Ow ew Co “Consider the oak beams in the ceiling of College Hall at Gender Revolution Legalized Oxford. Last century, when Sweden has been a pioneer in bringing gender largely due to legally mandated quotas. the beams needed replacing, balance into government. Forty-five percent of Rwanda’s new constitution calls for 30 carpenters used oak trees that its parliament is female. percent of decision-making positions to be had been planted in 1386 Other nations have finally begun to follow held by women. In the parliamentary elections when the dining hall was first its lead. In 2003, the Welsh assembly became of 2003, that quota was exceeded, as women built. The fourteenth-century the first legislative body in history to have as captured 49 percent of the legislative seats. builder had planted trees in many women as men. Meanwhile, Denmark, The corporate domain is proceeding toward anticipation of the time, Finland, Norway, Iceland, the Netherlands, equality more slowly. Norway is the first and hundreds of years in the Germany, Argentina, Costa Rica, South Africa, only nation to pass laws mandating female (Dist representation on corporate boards, requiring future, when the beams and Mozambique have at least 30 percent of would need replacing.” their parliamentary seats filled by women, a 40 percent quota. —Danny Hills, Wired From the Field Beauty and Truth Laboratory researcher Ariel Guzman saw this sign at a beauty salon in Ohio: “If truth is beauty, why doesn't anyone have their hair done at the library?”  PRONOIA NEWS NETWORK This perfect moment is brought to you by by the mummified middle finger of Science Poetry Galileo’s right hand, which is “Our skin shares its chemistry with the maple leaf and on display at a museum in moth wing. The currents our bodies regulate share a Florence, Italy. May it inspire. molecular flow with raw sun. Nerves and flashes of you to flip the metaphorical lightning are related events woven into nature at differ- bird at anyone who proudly ent levels.” —Richard Grossinger, Planet Medicine embodies the kind of high- level idiocy Galileo had “I am part of the sun as my eye is part of me. That I am to endure. part of the earth, my feet know perfectly, and my blood is part of the sea. There is nothing of me that is alone THIS DAY IN PRONOIAC and isolate, except my mind, and we shall find that the HISTORY : mind has no existence by itself, but is only the glitter of The World Wildlife Fund has the sun on the surface of the waters.” —D.H. Lawrence, fought to save endangered Apocalypse and the Writings on Revelation species since 1961. Its logo features a panda bear. The World Wrestling Federation launched in 1962, and has made a fortune selling staged combats between MIRABILIA REPORT Mirabilia n. beguiling ephemera, steroid-inflamed loonies. One inexplicable joys, changes that inspire quiet awe; from the Latin mirabilia, of its best-selling items is the “marvels.” “Undertaker Big Evil Red Devil T-shirt.” So which of @ The sky not only isn’t falling —it’s rising. The top of the troposphere, the these WWFs won the skir- atmosphere’s lowest layer, is slowly ascending. mish between the two? The good guys. A court ruled that the panda lovers had a supe- @ Less than 25 percent of American households are composed of nuclear rior claim to the initials WWF. families. The devils had to change their name. It’s now World @ The largest living thing in the world is a 2,400-acre underground fungus Wrestling Entertainment. in Oregon. It has no name yet. Sf @ Anarchists claimed responsibility for the March 2001 earthquake in the Black South Africans fought Pacific Northwest, saying the deed was accomplished with a spell cast by for 40 years to dismantle the the Green Fire coven of anarchist witches. oppressive system of apartheid. One of their most @ For $900, you can arrange for the manufacture of 12 action figures that potent weapons was toyi- look like you. toyi, a militantly exuberant form of singing and dancing. It served to mobilize the @ Some Christians really do love their enemies, as Jesus recommended. energy of crowds at the large protest demonstrations that @ In 2001, 16 refugees from the Dominican Republic were lost at sea for ultimately broke the will of 12 days while fleeing across shark-infested waters to a better life in Puerto the white minority rulers. Rico. To save themselves from death by dehydration, they sucked milk Imagine how confounded from the breasts of a nursing mother who was among them. their authoritarian minds must have been when con- @ More than four million Americans believe they’ve been abducted by fronted by thousands of extraterrestrials. On average, Americans eat 18 acres of pizza every day. high-spirited activists pas- sionately singing and danc- @ Anthropologists say that in every culture in history, children have played ing in unison. the game hide and seek. 88 GUERRILLA ORACLE The Rich Get Richer 7 ear Beauty and Truth Laboratory: Help! My old Buick’s transmission is dead, my credit cards are maxed, my kid’s got to see the dentist real bad, and the one-speed bike | ride everywhere is about to collapse. I’m working two low-paying jobs already, although | just applied for a more lucrative gig as a strip- club dancer, only I’m having so much mysterious pain in my joints I’m not sure how sexy my gyrations will be. Please clue me in to some tricks that will help me keep a pronoiac attitude in the midst of the mess that is my life. —Pickled” Dear Pickled: Here’s the first thing | want to tell you: Pronoia does not assume that material comfort is a sign of divine favor. The universe is an equal-opportunity provider, conspiring to shower bless- ings on every one of us in the same abundance. But while the bless- ings may come in the form of money and possessions, they’re just as likely to consist of other gifts that aren’t as concrete. Here’s a hypothetical example. Let’s say you have the gift of feeling at home in the world no matter where you are. The universe has determined that it’s the exact skill you need in order to fulfill the specific purpose you came to earth to carry out. Having a presti- gious job and big salary, on the other hand, might be exactly what you don’t need. The question of what gifts are essential revolves around your precise role in the universal conspiracy to perpetrate blessings. The second meditation I'll offer you is a passage from the Gospel of Matthew: “Whoever has, shall be given more and more, while who- ever has nothing, even what he has will be taken away from him.” Pronoiac translation: Whatever you choose to focus your atten- tion on, you will get more of it. If you often think of everything you 89  lack and how sad you are that you don't have it, you will tend to receive prolific evidence of how true that is. As you obsess on all the ways your life is different from what you wish it would be, you will become an expert in rousing feelings of frustration and you will attract experiences that assist you in rousing frustration. If, on the other hand, you dwell on the good things you have already had the privilege to experience, you will expand your appre- ciation for their blessings, which in turn will amplify their beneficent impact on your life. You will also magnetize yourself to receive fur- ther good things, making it more likely that they will be attracted into your sphere. At the very least, you will get in the habit of enjoying yourself no matter what the outward circumstances are. Bear in mind that you are a great wizard. You can use your pow- ers to practice white magic on yourself instead of the other kind. The most basic way to do that is to concentrate on naming, savoring, and feeling gratitude for the blessings you do have—your love for your kid, the pleasures of eating the food you like, the sight of the sky at dusk, the entertaining drama of your unique fate. Don’t ignore the bad stuff, but make a point of celebrating the beautiful stuff with all the exuberant devotion you can muster. Kaohinani is a Hawaiian word meaning “gatherer of beautiful things.” SACRED ADVERTISEMENT “The Rich Get Richer” is brought to you in part by the gesture recorded in a photograph of the Dalai Lama playfully messing with Desmond Tutu's cap at a gathering of Nobel Peace Prize winners. Guerrilla Oracle The Rich Get Richer  Special Offer MISSSTON REVEALEN 2% AS TN yj Sati Pu y tu eB VY } Re Ni GE an TING n our quest to insinuate pronoia into dinner table dis- bered those on positive emotions in the psychological cussions taking place all over the world, we bring the literature. The ratio was 21:1. following pieces of evidence to your attention. SA SF Exhibit C Exhibit A Even those supreme perpetrators of pop nihilism, The The bible of the mental health community is a 943-page New York Times and The Washington Post, have a bet- textbook called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual ter ratio than the psychological literature. They average of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, or DSM-IV. Pub- only 12 negative stories to every one that might be con- lished by the American Psychiatric Association, it’s a strued to be non-negative. Most other daily newspa- standardized catalog of psychological disorders that pers maintain a similar proportion. therapists use to evaluate and treat their patients. Sur- Many of their non-negative stories, however, cover prise! This ultimate word on the state of the human psy- success in two specific fields: finance and sports. For che describes countless pathological states, but there’s example: NASDAQ is up today; the Atlanta Braves won not a single entry referring to good mental health. their eighth straight game. Remove these feel-good sto- You might imagine that shrinks would be mildly ries from the equation, and the media’s Curse Quotient interested not only in fixing what’s wrong with their rises closer to that of the psychological literature. patients but also in helping them cultivate what feels good. But how can that happen if the feel-good states Sf aren’t even recognized as important enough to name? Exhibit D SF In his book, Omens of Millennium, Harold Bloom hints Exhibit B at the “reductive fallacy” that serves as a shibboleth for intellectuals. Picture yourself, he says, in conversation David G. Myers and Ed Diener authored an article called with a bright, literate acquaintance who asks you about “The Science of Happiness,” which appeared in the someone you know well: “Tell me what he or she is really September/October 1997 issue of The Futurist. “What like.” You reflect a moment and give a brief description causes happiness?” they inquired. “This question not of your impressions, but your acquaintance isn’t satis- only went largely unanswered during psychology’s first fied: “No, | mean really like.” And now you grasp the century, it went largely unasked.” They note that from actual question: “What is the very worst thing you can 1967 to 1995, essays on negative emotions far outnum- say about him or her that is true?” 91  Sf SF Exhibit E Exhibit F Thousands of amazing, inexplicable, wondrous, and Wes Nisker wrote a book called /f You Don’t Like the even supernatural events occur every day. And yet most News... Go Out and Make Some of Your Own. are unreported by the media. The few that are cited are ridiculed. Why? Here’s one possible reason: The peo- SF ple most likely to believe in miracles are superstitious, uneducated, and prone to having a blind, literalist faith Exhibit G in their religions’ myths. Those who are least likely to believe in miracles are skilled at analytical thought, well- If you have encountered examples of the following evi- educated, and yet prone to having a blind, literalist faith dence, tell us about it. Send your testimony to the in the ideology of materialism, which dogmatically Beauty and Truth Laboratory at [email protected] asserts that the universe consists entirely of things that or PO. Box 150628, San Rafael, CA 94915: can be perceived by the five human senses or detected 1. bliss that flows toward you because you’ve by instruments that scientists have thus far invented. made a habit of expecting it and cultivating it; The media is largely composed of people from 2. good news that’s really interesting; fascinating the second group. It’s virtually impossible for them to stories that provide an antidote to the media’s obses- admit to the possibility of miracles, let alone experience sion with hardship, anguish, deterioration, and death; them. If anyone from this group manages to escape peer pressure and cultivate a receptivity to miracles, it’s 3. states of emotional wealth and psychological because they have successfully fought against being health: raw material for the manual that will be the cor- demoralized by the unsophisticated way miracles are rective for the DSM-IV; the missing half of the story; framed by the first group. 4. mirabilia: mysterious revelations, rejuvenating At the Beauty and Truth Laboratory we’re immune prodigies, ineffable breakthroughs, beguiling ephemera, to the double-barreled ignorance. When we behold sudden deliverance from boring evils; astonishing synchronicities and numinous breakthroughs 5. plain old everyday miracles; that seem to violate natural law, we’re willing to con- sider the possibility that our understanding of natural 6. the good news you’ve gone out and created. law is too narrow. And yet we also refrain from lapsing into irrational gullibility; we actively seek mundane expla- nations for apparent miracles. What exactly are the 13 Perfect Secrets from the Beginning of Time, according to you? SSCRED ADVERTISEMENT The research of the Beauty and Truth Laboratory is made possible in part by the largesse of Boris Pasternak’s poem, “Bacchanalia,” which includes these words: “How much courage is needed to play forever, as the ravines play, Special Offer as the river plays.” 92 Further Evidence  a a] Fveruone § a nobody — a nebedus perfect  Love Letter You Are Almost Everything You taste delicious Animals understand you Your importance is unusual The funny faces you make are interesting to look at You fight for power in all the right ways Gratitude pours out of you You have strong feet No one can overflow as well as you can You are famous with God A lost tribe salutes you from the other side of the veil You belong to yourself 94 GUERRILLA ORACLE —_ Clues to the Rebel Grail — Snes Bin Laden’s _Wiife’s Bra _ - or over two decades, Peter Jouvenal worked as a journalist and cameraman who filmed war-torn hot spots, including Iraq in the Gulf War and Afghanistan during the Soviet invasion. He eventually retired from that gig and bought a restaurant in Kabul. He has few regrets, but one came after the fall of the Taliban in 2001. While exploring the organization’s deserted safe houses, he happened upon a place where Osama bin Laden and his wife had lived. Among the items the cou- ple left behind was one of her bras. In retrospect Jou- venal realized he should have pocketed the exotic piece of lingerie; a tabloid newspaper would have paid him a fortune for it. But because he had spent his entire career dealing with more mainstream news media, the idea didn’t even occur to him at the time. Keep this cautionary tale simmering in the back of your mind. Maybe it’ll alert you whenever you’re about to overlook a valuable thing you'd normally consider worthless.  Primordial Gossip BRAIN~ SMLBLING [LEDITATION elax. Put yourself in a comfortable position. Amazing but true: You are both a billionaire and a Breathe deeply. Let the tension stream out of wise counselor. This blend of wealth and sagacity has your head and neck and shoulders. Imagine that led you to become a philanthropic healer. Through cash your worries are flowing out of you into the good earth donations and gifts of insight, you have helped thou- below. Say “ahhhhh” in your softest tone. sands of people transform themselves into gorgeous geniuses skilled at expressing their souls’ codes. Dissolve the constricted energy in your chest and belly and pelvis, and let it trickle away. Allow the stress Relax even more deeply. Tune in to the understand- in your legs and feet to evaporate. With each breath, ing that you are a furiously curious soul full of orgiastic send out a wave of love to your entire body. Relax even compassion for everything alive. You are an ongoing more deeply. Become aware that all of the disquiet within experiment in lyrical logic, a slow explosion of uncanny you is departing. Your knots are unraveling. Your con- delight, a sacred agent devoted to breaking the taboo gestion is dissipating. against feeling crafty joy. Now close your eyes and imagine that it’s a bright Now say this: / have only barely imagined the bless- and warm summer day at the beach. You’re sitting ina ings that await me. As interesting and as full as my life cozy chair. The sky is a deep, infinite blue. A balmy is, ’m ready for it to become even more so. breeze caresses your cheeks. Your body feels strong and serene. You’re in harmony with the flow of life. Look With this declaration, you have given the future per- around you. See the sparkling white sand. Feel the gen- mission to transform you into a more awakened version tle waves swirl around your ankles. of yourself than you ever knew was possible. As you bask in this beauty and calm, imagine that Continue your cooperation with the glorious fate you’re reading the Wall Street Journal and listening to that’s coming your way. Speak the following affirma- the soothingly riotous music of a klezmer polka band tions, which have been scientifically formulated to free playing free-form jazz with a hip-hop beat. Nearby is a you of all rigid beliefs that might cause stupidity: shopping mall you have recently bought and converted | kick my own ass and wash my own brain. into a country club for poor people. A satellite phone and ! push my own buttons and trick my own pain. a wireless laptop are by your side because you must ! burn my own flags and roast my own heroes. always be available to conduct late-breaking business ! mock my own fears and cheer my own zeroes. deals, buy or sell stocks, or give spiritual advice. 96  Nothing can stop me from teasing my shadow. are becoming aware that each of your heart’s beats I'm full of empty and backwards bravado. originates as a gift of love directly from the Goddess My wounds are tattoos that reveal my true beauty. herself. Any residues of hatred that had been tainting ! turn tragic to magic and make bliss my duty. your libido are leaving you for good. You are becoming telepathically linked to the world’s entire host of secret ! honor my faults till they become virtues. teachers, pacifist warriors, philosopher clowns, and | play jokes on my nightmares bodhisattvas disguised as convenience store clerks. till I'm sure they won't hurt you. I sing anarchist lullabies to lesbian trees In other words, you’re on the verge of détente with and love songs with punch lines your evil twin. And you’re ready to submit to a multiple- to anonymous seas. choice test, which goes like this: | won't accept gifts that infringe on my freedom How does it make you feel when | urge you to con- | shun sacred places that stir up my boredom. fess profound secrets to people who are not particu- | change my name daily, pretend to be nobody. larly interested? Does it make you want to: | fight for the truth if it’s majestically rowdy. a. cultivate a healthy erotic desire for a person you’d normally never be attracted to in a million years; Gravity fucks me and | fuck it back. The sun is my sex slave, the moon smokes my crack. b. stop helping your friends glamorize their pain; | pump up my conscience with idiot laughter. I'm living happily, in love ever after. c. imitate a hurricane in the act of extinguishing a forest fire; | brag about what ! can't do and don't know. d. visualize Buddha or Mother Teresa at the | take off my clothes to those | oppose. moment of orgasm; I'm so far beyond lazy, | work like a god. e. steal something that’s already yours. I'm totally crazy; in fact that's my job. The right answer, of course, is any answer you It’s all true. You’re completely wacko. Throbbingly, thought was correct. Congratulations. You’re even succulently, shimmeringly insane. And that’s good news. smarter than you knew.. This understanding frees you up to sing in the acid To seal your victory, repeat the following affirma- rain and cultivate global warming in your pants. You are tion: “Stressed” is “desserts” spelled backward. in prime condition to study the difference between stu- Now remain here for a while in this state of super- pid insecurity and smart insecurity until you get it right. natural relaxation. As you begin to return to normal wak- You realize beyond a doubt that everyone who believes ing consciousness, don’t return to normal waking in the devil is the devil. You feel a longing to stick out consciousness. Instead, practice feeling the confidence your tongue and cross your eyes and put on your most that you can invoke the scent of wild honey in a sunlit beautifully ugly face as you sneak up on yourself from meadow any time you feel an urge to. behind and whisper “boo!” And you see the healthy wis- dom of now and then inserting into your conversations In honor of your enhanced power to be yourself, | the following quote, uttered by the Baron in the film The hereby reward you with a host of fresh titles. From now Adventures of Baron Munchausen: “Your reality, sir, is on you will be known as the Senior Vice President of lies and balderdash, and I'm happy to say | have no Strawberry Fields and Hummingbirds, and the Deputy grasp of it whatsoever.” Director of Green Lights and Purple Hearts. Consider yourself, as well, to be the new Puzzle-Master Supreme, And congratulations. Every cell in your perfect ani- the Chief Custodian of Secret Weapons, and Field Com- mal body is beginning to purr with luminous gratitude mander of Free Lunches and Poetic Licenses. for the enormity of the riches you endlessly receive. 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